CFB W/ Tom Fornelli and Andy Staples, Fyre Fest + Worst Mt Rushmore Ideas

Hey, Pardon My Take listeners, you can find every episode on Apple Podcasts, Spotify, or YouTube. Prime members can listen ad-free on Amazon Music.
On today's Pardon My Take, college football preview with our good friends Tom Frinelli and Andy Staples. They give you some picks, some winners, some preview of each conference, some insights, because college football's back.
We also have Fyre Fest of the Week. Mount Rushmore of worst Mount Rushmore topics we could do.
And a special bonus. Jake has compiled our worst picks of the year to end Mount Rushmore season.
I didn't have many. And then at the end of all of this, the exit interview with Jill.
Jilly Football. We say goodbye.
Although she's going to be around, but we say goodbye officially to the summer intern, Jilly Football, the shooting star. Before we get to all of that.
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Okay, let's go. Boy! Boy! Now in the street there is violence And then a lot of work to be done No place to hang alone washing And then I can't blame all on the sun Oh no We're gonna We're gonna rock down to electric avenue.
And then we'll take it higher. Oh, we're gonna rock down to electric avenue.
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Today is Friday, August 30th.

Are you ready, Hank?

Are you ready for what I'm about to say?

I don't think so.

Football is back.

For the 16th time.

Actually, we're like the 8th out of 16 future ones

because we do footballs back when the preseason starts. We do football back when week zero.
Now this, college football. We're going to do it for Thursday.
We're going to do it Sunday, Monday. And then also the first color rush game of the year.
That's going to be football. You hate it, Hank.
Football is back. Football is back, kind of, though.
Right now it really is. Although we're recording this at 2.53 as the crow flies right now.
Yeah. So we're going to do a little choose your own adventure, but I'm looking at the slate of games for tonight.
Not great. And it looks like Clemson beat the shit out of Georgia Tech.
Smoked them. Texas State covered against A&M.
Okay. Because Alexis Texas.
I lost money on that. Okay, yeah.
Well, you didn't know that Alexis Texas gave a pump up speech to the Wildcats or the Bobcats or whoever they are at Texas State. And then I'm going to go with BYU covered against Utah.
But Utah won? The Mormonoff, yeah. Okay.
Yeah. So, yeah, we're doing this a little early.
This is actually like our last, basically our last early show that we're going to do until after the Super Bowl. Yay.
Yay. Yay.
We're going to be here every night, Hank. We love it.
You love it. So football's back, college football.
I did wake up this morning and I know, Hank, we're joking, but I do wake up every time, quote unquote, football is back with an extra pep in my step because you wake up and you're like, there are real college football games. I'm going to bet on all these.
I'm going to watch it. Saturday has the worst slate of college football games except Oregon and Auburn, and I'm going to watch every single one of them, and I'm just ready for it to be here.
But you know what? It's not even about the slate of games. It's just whenever you see the colors of a football powerhouse back on the field again, it feels great.
The song. The song, the college game day.
Yep. Me waking up at 10 a.m.
Perfectly on the dot. It's actually 9 a.m.
Does Desmond Howard have to choke a bitch? Desmond Howard will have to joke a bitch. Yeah.
It's going to be a great weekend. I'm very excited about it.
And it's Labor Day weekend, which means that we don't have to work until Monday night. So there will be shows Tuesday, Wednesday, and Friday of next week.
And I can't wait to get that extra Sunday in. I can't wait.
Even the Lord rests. I can't wait.
So the other football is back. Brandon Whedon is back.
Well, let's just say the three kings of backup quarterbacks all converged on Indianapolis today. Brandon Whedon.
You had, let's see, who else? You had Brock Osweiler. Brock Osweiler.
Cliff Brock Osweiler Matt Castle and Matt Castle all in Indy on the same day vying for the backup spot to Swag Kelly do you think Swag Kelly knows that one of these guys is going to take his job or he's like hey what's up man Swag Kelly doesn't know much you want to go party later Swag Kelly lives his life second to second so I don't think he Swag Kelly got this in the bag. Do you think Swag Kelly is scared of vacuum cleaners like your dog is? Oh, absolutely.
He sees one. He's like, uh-oh.
Yeah, got to get out of here. PTSD here.
Yeah, do you think? You're going to get chased out of a house that I shouldn't be in wearing a costume. So I saw those three names, right? The Osweiler, the Castle, and Whedon.
And I have to imagine that they've run into each other in airports before, auditioning for the exact same backup. Yeah.
There's like a club. There's a secret society of backups.
It's like Amy Adams and Isla Fisher running into each other in the audition room for the same role. This type of thing has to happen all the time for them.
They probably just do the Jeep wave to each other, the backup quarterback wave. They're probably all staying.
Just taking off your baseball cap and rubbing your head and putting your cap back on. They're probably all staying at Jim Sorge's house.
Yeah. They're just like, hey, Jim, the backups are here.
Let's all just hang out and trade stories of the times we didn't play. Yeah.
I'm excited, though, whatever happens to the Colts backup quarterback situation this year because, man, that is a murderous row of guys that aren't very good. Let me ask you a question.
Now that the dust has settled, what would you put percentage-wise that Andrew Luck plays another down in the NFL? I like this game. Because I have, after the dust has settled and everyone got their takes off and we did the whole thing, I just feel like he might come back next year.
I would put it at 9%. Really? That low? Yeah, less than 10.
Single digits. Okay.
Because I could see him being like, you know what? I feel good. I took a year off.
I traveled. I did architecture.
I did all the stuff. In the NFL or the XFL? No, in the NFL.
NFL. XFL, I would put it at 25%.
He wouldn't play in the XFL. Why not? Not even for his dad.
Because he's a lead of the elite. He's not going to play in the XFL league.
Even if his dad was like, hey, Andrew, we can make this league together. We can build it.
Does his dad have equity in the XFL? What if his dad was like, you can't get touched? Then maybe he would. Andrew Luck gets to wear a red jersey.
Could you imagine if they did that, if the XFL was like, hey, we want the ratings. Every team quarterback?

No.

Yeah, and it's two-hand touch with Andrew Luck.

What if they just made Andrew Luck all-time quarterback?

That's what he's saying.

Yeah, for whatever game he was in.

Yeah, that's a good idea.

He plays both sides, two-hand touch.

I've been saying for the longest time about the XFL,

if they want success, they need to get two-thirds of the golden triangle

of Johnny Manziel, Colin Kaepernick, and Robert Griffin, and Tim Tebow.

It's a weird, fucked-up triangle.

But if they can get two-thirds of those guys playing in the league,

the If they can get two-thirds of the golden triangle of Johnny Manziel, Colin Kaepernick, and Robert Griffin, and Tim Tebow, it's a weird fucked-up triangle. But if they can get two-thirds of those guys playing in the league, then people will watch.
Add Andrew Luck to the list. So if they get two-thirds of the triangle of those four plus Andrew Luck, that league's going to be a success.
Okay, so I'm going to put the percentage. You know what I'm going to do? A little trick, a little media trick for you out there.
I'm going to say there's a hundred percent chance that Andrew Luck plays another snap in the NFL oh that's good you know why because I can basically keep saying it for the next 10 years and by that time I'll be dead and yeah and just be like so my I put an expiration date on my own life and Andrew Luck's like potential of who you know who's out Andrew Luck, that will last far longer. So not to take down your take too much.
Well, you can't because you don't know. We'll have to wait for 20 years.
You listen to what this interesting Connect the Dots is. We're not conspiracy guys, but we're Connect the Dots guys.
There is a doctor out there. He specializes in holistic medicine, you know it's legit uh he thinks that andrew luck's shoulder didn't heal correctly because indianapolis was the first city in the country to get 5g service okay and he thinks that all the data swimming through that city interferes with the regeneration of stem cells oh so he thinks that andrew luck's shoulder, is actually never going to repair because of that.
I didn't know that

Alex Jones got his platform

back. He's had a long...

Well, actually, he did on YouTube.

And he's got a big line

of male enhancement products

that I've sampled out there. The humanoids

in Indianapolis. Alex Jones is

basically a doctor, if you want to get down to it.

But then I thought to myself, wait, but he's got the flip phone. So like, how does the data work? But then I was like, you know what? Maybe your cell phones...
Then you were like, I'm too high for this. Maybe your cell phones that connect to the 5G service, maybe those draw all the Wi-Fi and all the data into them.
If you have a flip phone, it just goes into your body instead. So I'm going to say, you know what?

I'm going to say 0%.

Okay.

The other side. You say 100%.
Well, you already said 9%. One of us is going to be right.
Yeah, exactly. It's a zero-sum game here.
He's either going to play again or he's not, and it's going to happen in 20 years. By that time, I'll be long gone.
Yeah, I just don't see it happening. Okay, so the other news we had was the NCAA ncaa continues to be the ncaa and so explain this to me you you briefly explained to me before the show and it's essentially college football and the ncaa just keep finding ways to get in the news for ridiculous stories that everyone universally says is bullshit yeah so this is why it took me a second to truly believe this uh but Virginiaia tech's offensive lineman brock hoffman he transferred there i believe from coastal carolina a transfer to tech to be closer to his mom who is recovering from she had brain surgery she had a tumor and so he did the medical hardship thing where he wanted to be closer to his family and the ncaa won't let him play this year because he's 106 miles away.
His parents' house is 106 miles away from Blacksburg, and you have to be within 100 miles. And they just issued that ruling like a month ago after he had already transferred.
So now everybody is being like, NCAA, what the fuck? What are you doing? And do you know how badly you have to fuck up to make me feel sorry for Virginia Tech? Right. Like normally when I heard the NCAA is screwing Virginia Tech football over.
I was like, yes. And then they said, because one of their players, mom had a brain tumor and he wants to be closer.
And I was like, damn it. I can't, I can't side with the NCAA on this one.
So I actually think the NCAA depicts these stories specifically. They're like, we need to find a way where everyone would think our ruling is completely unjust and bullshit rule that way so everyone talks about that and not the fact that we make billions of dollars and you know like extort everyone and and and basically run a uh entire corporation that is bullshit right if you can put a couple high profile fuck-ups out there right like this one uh getting rid of the ncaa video game still waiting on that to come back then people will spend their time complaining about that and asking jay billis to commentate on that as opposed to just being like hey what's up with the cartel right and and then what they'll do is they'll be like you know what after further review we're gonna let this kid play it's the old roger goodell banning celebrations in the end zone have everyone say the no fun league and then being like guess what i'm giving you the celebrations back yeah Yeah, you can have it.
Don't say I didn't do anything for you guys. Yeah, you're right.
It's like the actual cartel in Mexico having that $2 billion shipment intercepted that was going to Chris Long probably in Philadelphia, and they're just like, hey, we'll sacrifice this $2 billion if we can keep flooding El Paso and keep flooding all these border areas. It's a red herring.
Yeah. We're on to you, NCAA.
Well done. You're not that smart.
Okay, so before we get to our FireFest and our Mount Rushmore, quick word, barstoolgold.com slash PMT, we have next week a firefighter coming into the studio, and we're going to interview a firefighter in the studio. Hank, what were you going to say? We might do the Mount Rushmore thing, too.
We might do the Mount Rushmore thing, too. It might be the month after.
So make sure you go to BarstoolGold.com slash PMT. Bonus episode next Thursday.
Look at the new hats we just put on sale that PFT is modeling currently. And the Cocho hat, shirts, or sweatshirts.
We got some new stuff coming up. We got a whole fall line.
We got short-sleeved sweatshirts, sweatpants. Wait, short-sleeved sweatshirts? Yeah, they're over there.

Shut up.

Like Belichick style?

Go get them.

Go get them.

Throw me one.

Go get them.

Let's finish the show.

PFT's going to get them.

I'm going to live narrate.

PFT is searching for...

Ready?

Ready to do a snap.

Not like...

And then we'll...

We'll cut back with you guys wearing it.

No.

Oh.

No, no, no.

Keep this all in.

Hell yeah.

Okay.

Yeah, yeah, yeah. Keep going.
Because it it's funny it's stupid and it's funny okay bubba how's your voice oh hell yeah oh these are sick okay all right we're back hold on i'm gonna do the snap again there we go and have it be like pft is slowly putting his on and we're back we're wearing our pardon my take the i feel like i could throw a challenge flag right now right if you short sleeve sweatshirts sneaky the best way to look like an athlete without being one like you put it on and people just say whoa where are you coming from what kind of training regimen are you doing it's awesome. You guys look like you're part of an organization.
Right. I am part of an organization.
Yeah, sir. The least organized organization of all time.
But yeah, if you wear one of these shirts, a matching pair of sweatpants and then earbuds like we're going to squat 500 today, you're basically on an NFL team at that point. Yeah, I feel very good about this.
Okay. Fire Fest of the Week.
Hank, why don't you start? All right, boys. I mean, you guys don't have this problem.
I've been grinding away for the past two months. Ever since my ad read, I took a notice of my followers.
Shout out to everyone that has followed me since then. Henry Lockwood won on Instagram.
I finally got to 100K, and I was like, all right, I'm going to apply to be verified. I figured once I get to triple that will you know push me over the edge to get verified i finally applied we have gas a social media guy who's like supposed to be in with instagram like has all these connections and i like hit him up was like yo can you you know help me out grease the wheels a little bit still got rejected no that's a shame no blue check mark and i don't want one on twitter like that's you know same that dumb.
But Instagram, it's a good look. It is a good look.
Why is it a good look? Just, I don't know. Like, when you slide into other people's DMs? It's just a power move.
Whose DMs do you want to be sliding into? No, if you like celebrities' pictures and stuff, they'll be like, oh, who's this blue checkmark? Like, oh, shit. Oh, it's Hank Lockwood.
Yeah. Damn.
Okay. He's the one who's been sliding into my DMs.
And liking every bikini picture that I take. My name is Sophie Turner.

But now that's just, I'm never going to get that recognition.

So Rachel Bush won't reply to your DMs. Damn.

It's your Firefest of the week.

That sucks.

Okay.

Sorry, Hank.

Thank you.

Yeah.

I apologize for your hardship.

I appreciate that.

Thank you.

PFT, what's yours?

Maybe, Hank, maybe it's because your name is Henry Lockwood 1 instead of just Henry Lockwood.

Like something nice and clean like that. Well, it's at Henry Lockwood 1.
The numbers is really a JV move. Make sure you get that in there one more time.
Yeah. My Fyre Fest of the Week is I have had to come to terms with something recently.
I think it's actually like a good life skill to have. Okay.
But it's tough to pick up. I've had a hard time learning how to not disagree with somebody who's making a valid point just because I don't like them.
No. Do you know what I'm saying? That's stupid.
It's tough. Oh, you're saying, wait, hold on.
You're saying someone you dislike, they say something that is correct. Yes.
And you now agree with them? And no. And now I find, I find myself not wanting to agree with them because I don't like them.
But then I realize that they're making. I'm trying to.
No, don't. That's so stupid.
So you're basically saying you have learned to not be petty. Exactly.
No. Petty wars, dude.
It's tough. It's sleek.
My inner pettiness is fighting against my brain. It's like my brain and my balls.
Do you want to say who you're speaking of specifically? Well, yeah, it's basically like every conspiracy theorist in the world, the QAnon people, are saying that Jeffrey Epstein was murdered and that he didn't commit suicide. And I'm like, I kind of agree with it.
I think they're 100% correct, but I don't like them. And so how do I stop myself from thinking that way? That's what this that way this country's all about though yeah so what are you going to do to to fix this uh i'm going to go back in time and murder jeffrey epstein myself so that way i know exactly what happened because the report just came out today that two of the the cameras that were monitoring his prison cell just happened to be malfunctioning just at that point in time allegedly yeah allegedly yeah pete come on pete imagine if pete was just the the center of the jeffrey imagine if pete was the clinton's like assassin he'd be pretty good at it that's okay now i'm yeah now i'm now our relationship with pete is fucked up yeah just keep an eye on now we hate pete now he's gonna kill us because we know too much um but yeah it's a tough skill to pick up and i think i'm learning it no you can't do it just fight against it if you don't like someone yeah you just have to disagree with them at all costs they could tell you dogs are cool and you'd be like fuck that maybe martin was right about jacking up that drug price ten thousand percent yeah no wait i need to mind.
No, don't. Open minds are for suckers.
All right, my Firefest, I got two. One is Hard Knocks, which we talked about on Wednesday, having to watch it an hour later because we don't have cable.
That's, I now know what it's like. You know the old saying, like, walk a mile in another man's shoes? I know how stupid it is for all you anti for all you cord cutters out there

yep you're dumb you're stupid you're dumb you should have listened to us yeah um and then my other one is uh jay cutler announced that he's going to opening night packers at bears and it's a pre-fire fest i think people are gonna boom oh really yeah be a real shame i don't i I don't know.

I think it's going to be a mix.

But I think what would be great is if everyone just yelled out in unison, don't care. But I don't think that can be done.
So I think people are going to boom, and it's going to just depress me. I think that Chicago Bears season ticket holders are within their rights to boo Jay Cutler.
No, don't. He holds all the records.
I think that if it, hey, you were the one that was defending.

You were standing indie fans.

You were a big time.

No, I'm not saying they shouldn't.

I'm saying it will.

It will bum me out as a Jay Cutler guy.

I'm not going to say, oh, my God, how could you?

I'm saying it's going to bum me out if it happens.

You need to make sure to take to Twitter if that happens and just let everybody know

that it's not your right.

Keep it classy, guys.

It's not your right.

Stay classy, Bears fans. Yeah.
God damn it. Yeah, that's going to.
We got to get Jay on the show. Put his body on the line for your franchise.
Yeah, really. We're going to get Jay on the show.
I'm going to work as much as I can. And by that, I mean I'm going to text him once every month and he'll never reply until he comes on.
He had a fake MCL injury that he played through for you. That was real.

Let's do our Mount Rushmore.

Should we do Jake first?

Should Jake tell us the worst Mount Rushmore answers we had?

Does he have a compilation?

Let's do that.

So, Jake, we're going to do the Mount Rushmore.

The finale of Mount Rushmore season is going to be the Mount Rushmore of worst Mount Rushmore topics we could do.

That we haven't done.

I have some breaking moves. No, we could do, yeah.

I have some breaking moves. Breaking moves.
Breaking moves. As first reported by Woj on Twitter, Spencer Hawes had a workout with the 76ers today.
They brought him in for a workout. I've just heard from Spencer Hawes.
It went well. Nice.
We'll see. Hell yeah.
So the workout went well. That's Breaking Moose.
And that was brought to you by Chocolate Milk for real recovery. That tastes real good.
And we scooped Woj on it. That's what's most important.
Where was Leroy on that? I don't give ironclad scoops to Leroy. I give the half-ass ones that have like a 10% chance of coming true.
By the way, Leroy was right and wrong simultaneously. No way.
He was Schrodinger's dog. He said that the game, the FSU game, was going to be moved to Friday night to accommodate the storm.
Turns out it wasn't. That was gracious to them to accommodate the storm.
Yeah, they said we're going to welcome you here, but we're going to get the game in Friday. That was incorrect on his part, but he corrected his scoop and said they're actually moving the game to Tallahassee on Saturday instead.
Shout out Leroy for nailing that one. Wow.
One boop. One boop.
All right, Jake, our worst Mount Rushmore responses as decided by the AWLs. Yeah, so first off in general, everyone's colors because...
Why one was great red good pick oh right oh yeah remember when we're like oh yeah red sick pick dude yeah i think that was mine right sucked yeah yeah uh joc's levy on pick yes uh-huh but see that's where it's like that was the best pick but it was the worst but it was the best yeah uh pFT Goodell as a future guest. Yep.
That sucks. I think everybody would listen to it.
Get off of that. I'm surprised that people didn't say just all of PFT's picks.
They're all going to. If Goodell came on, everyone would be like, you guys are pussies.
You didn't ask him any hard questions. We literally couldn't.
We had a gun to our head. I would try to jerk him off.
I would try to sexually assault him. Okay.
When Hank said that people who clap on planes aren't psychopaths. It's true.
Oh, that was wrong by the AWLs. I think you should clap on planes.
Always. It's a feat.
It's a modern miracle. It really is.
Big Cat wanting Cardi B on the show. Ooh.
Why is that a bad? Another bad pick. Damn.
These are the bad, worst Mount Rushmore picks. I saw a tweet the other day that said Cardi B just talks like she's ordering in the drive-thru all the time.
Pretty funny. That's pretty good.
Just yelling really loud. Yeah.
Yeah. How convenient is that? Okay.
In the Mount Rushmore of meets, Hanks meet up for tickets before the big game. This is like – I forgot about that one.
That's a pretty good one. Yeah.
Okay. Last year, but PFT's Hornet got a lot of popular likes.
Dude, that was the best pick I've ever had in a Mount Rushmore. And then overall, there's a conspiracy.
All of PFT's fourth answer is when he tosses out something horrible, so when he loses, he can blame it on that. Not the fact that he stinks at Mount Rushmore.
Ding, ding, ding. Okay.
Let's do it, though. Mount Rushmore of worst Mount Rushmore topics.
Some of these we might do next year. We'll see.
Mount Rushmore season is always fun, but it always feels right around the time when it ends. It's like, yeah, it was ready to go.
There's a reason it's special. If your birthday was every day, you wouldn't give a shit when you turn a new age.
Yeah. So it's like Mount Rushmore season's great when it happens.

And then by the end of it, we're all ready to go home, be on our way, start with football

because football's back.

Okay.

Mount Rushmore of worst Mount Rushmore topics.

I go first.

I think it's me, then PFT, then Hank.

Yeah.

All right.

Let's go.

I think it would be a really bad Mount Rushmore topic if we did the Mount Rushmore of racial

slurs. Fuck, I had that one.
Okay. That's a great bad Mount Rushmore topic.
Yeah, that would be a bad one. Hank, do you agree or disagree? Of course I agree.
That it would be good or bad? Bad. Okay.
Bad? Bad? Very bad. Why would it be bad? Because we would get in a lot of trouble.
Your picks wouldn't be good? No. Because we'd get canceled.
I don't even know any racial slurs, so I'd have to research. Right, same.
So they would be bad because we'd just be like, my first pick is? I don't see color. I don't have one.
Yeah. Okay.
Okay, that's good. We can get Richie on here for that one.
Okay. My first pick, I'm going to go Mount Rushmore of things we would change about each other.
Ooh. Because that would get.
Don't have any for that either. Yeah, because we wouldn't have anything.
I think everyone's perfect. That might be a good one.

That might be...

It would be bad for the show's health.

It would be good for the listeners.

It would be bad for the future of the show.

But the listeners would love it in the moment.

I don't think...

Intention would be ripe.

Yes.

Yes.

Okay.

Hank, you have two.

The Mount Rushmore of Patriots.

Okay.

Wow, you really don't like the Pats, huh? Damn. I just feel like people would get upset if we did that.
Okay. Okay.
And the Mount Rushmore of Astrological Signs. Ooh.
Okay. Okay.
Is there only 12, right? I don't know. Yeah.
Yeah, that would probably be bad. That would probably be bad.
Well, 13 with Equimini. Yeah.
The best. Hank, come on.
You don't know Equimini? Mm-mm. pft my next one i'm gonna go with mount rushmore of worst beyonce traits just because the bayhive would get after yeah that was and we would get yes that would that would be a roasting okay um I'll go so I have two now how about the Mount Rushmore of most gruesome

childhood Yes, that would be a roasting. Okay.
I'll go. So I have two now.
How about the Mount Rushmore of most gruesome child abduction cases? Do you guys have any on the top of your head? I mean, right off the bat. You got to go Lindbergh, baby.
Okay. Yeah.
That would be bad. The goat.
Balloon boy. That would be bad.
See, I can't even say the goat. It would be bad.
Yes, it would be bad. It's the woat.
Okay, and then my third pick will be Mount Rushmore of reasons why the pay gap between men and women is actually understandable. That would be a bad one.
That would be a really bad Mount Rushmore. That would be a bad one to do.
A really bad Mount Rushmore. We're just talking problematic Mount Rushmore.
Yeah, it would be really, I mean, it would be bad. It would be very bad.
Okay. Okay.
And we, again, don't have any answers for that uh what are you looking at me for when you told me about this you're like yeah we'll just think of ones that we might actually do in the future but no i said they're just very worst ones offensive you we could do it if you wanted i don't want i don't want to either okay they're the worst mount rushmore topics yes we would never do them okay okay my next one is you said beginning that we might do these actually. No, well, you kept on saying we should do them for the gold episode.
I was like, okay, well, we can try but you didn't explain that you were going. Okay, my bad.
Okay, my next one is Mount Rushmore of true facts about why vaccines are bad. Yes, okay.
That would be a bad one. Do you want to take a second, Hank? No, I'm good.
Big Cat would fucking crush that one. Mount Rushmore of types of hats.
Okay, okay. That's also a bad one.
Well, actually, I mean, now that I'm thinking about it. You got your sombreros.
Sombreros. You got your dad hats.
Bucket hat. Uh-huh.
Yeah, that's bad. Your hat on the hats.
Yeah, no, actually, as we're saying it,'s bad okay top hats or like where like you wear multiple hats like my political what is it like political people wear two different hats are you talking about the maga no like different hats and different branches of government red hats yeah yeah you know what i'm talking about okay uh and then my last i actually don't like he wears multiple hats that's a thing that people say Jack of all trades, master of none My last one I will go with It's a great hat The Mount Rushmore of the worst Mount Rushmore's we could do So you just pulled the trump card on all this So we're getting very meta with this Yeah that actually is a good one though I think this has been going swimmingly i wanted to do a more contentious one okay so this is my last one i'm going to go with mount rushmore of dreams that we've had because nobody likes hearing about somebody else's dreams yep i had that as well um all right my last one i did have a crazy one last night though okay go ahead i won't you want me to get? I dreamt that we were doing this Mount Rushmore, and it went way off the rails. How about Mount Rushmore? My last pick, Mount Rushmore of favorite porn cream pie scenes.
I mean, yeah. That would suck, wouldn't it? You got to go with Tiana Trump on that one, right? Wouldn't that suck? Wait, say it again? Mount Rushmore of favorite cream pie porn scenes.
I mean, that could be very educational. OG Mudbone.
Uh-huh. Alexis Texas.
It's sports related. All right.
What other ones do we have that missed the list? Religions. Religions would be bad.
Uh-huh. Gifts.
No, I think gifts would actually be good. I would be very tough to explain it, though.
The video that we would make out of it would be good, I think. would actually be good.
No, it would be very tough to explain it, though.

The video that we would make out of it would be good, I think.

Best fantasy drafts we personally had.

In 2006, I got Danian Tomlinson in the fourth round.

That's pretty good.

How about Mount Rushmore of...

Oh, episodes of M.A.S.H.

Agreed.

I don't think I've ever seen an episode. No, I haven't either either That's one of those shows that we would really lock in on the 70 plus audience Uh huh Mount Rushmore of vegetables We don't really eat a lot of vegetables No, fuck that Mount Rushmore of tragedies where over 100 people died Uh huh Mount Rushmore of things that can melt steel beams Yeah Mount rushmore terminal illnesses yeah these are all great bad choices that would suck it would suck these are all really bad right these are all very very bad mount rushmore of people on pardon my take yeah yes yeah uh mount rushmore of uh authors i don't think we'd do well on that You want to try? You want to try to put together a list? Billy Shakespeare.
Just one. R.L.
Stine. R.L.
Stine. Gary Paulson.
J.K. Rowling.
Okay. Done.
I didn't even get one in there. So what was our Mount Rushmore? Julian Edelman.
Gary Paulson. Tom Brady.
Billy Shakespeare. R.L.
Stine. Julian Edelman.
J.K. Rowling.
I was going to say Mike Greenberg for mine. What's the book of his name?

My wife won't let me watch sports.

Yeah, it was like my wife makes me wear gloves to type this book.

Yeah, we could just do a reading.

How about Mount Rushmore favorite Mike Greenberg passages from his book?

Oh, it's definitely the one where he talked about getting into his hotel

and not having Wi-Fi and trying to jerk off to internet porn.

No, sorry, it wasn't internet porn. It was the hotel dirty movies that they show.
Yeah. And then going down to the lobby and seeing that on your list when you check out.
What about Mount Rushmore Creed songs? I mean, there's that too played out. There are so many higher my own prison Mount Rushmore of NPR hosts Ira Glass Ah, fuck I think that's it There's only one It's all one song Basically, you make them in a factory It's so great when you hear an NPR voice You're like, wow, that's perfect The way NPR works is they just have somebody That just injects them with methamphetamines every four hours and just keeps them going.

Yeah, but then also maybe doses them with NyQuil so they have that subdued voice.

Yeah.

They have to have that laid back, subdued, I could fall asleep at any moment.

Yeah, like they're concussed but also unmet.

Right, right.

All right.

Vote on the last Mount Rushmore of the year.

Hank, wouldn't you say this is contentious by how mad you are at me?

Nah.

Wouldn't that...

Didn't we solve Hank's issue with what he wanted to do?

I think so.

Like, you're furious.

You took the gloves off for this one.

Yeah.

You keep giving me the finger.

Hank really didn't like the...

Hank liked none of them except for your cream pie one.

Yeah.

His eyes really lit up for that one.

Why didn't we do that one?

Yeah.

Hold on.

I got a couple picks already.

All right.

Before we get to our interviews, we got Tom Fernelli first, then Andy Staples.

There's making a sandwich, and then there's crafting a sandwich.

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Simple, but unbelievable. So next time you're at the deli don't settle get the best boar's head committed to craft since 1905 discover the craftsmanship behind every bite at boarshead.com all right here he is our good friend tom franelli okay we now welcome on our good friend and college football writer it is tom Tom Fernelli.
He's also... Oh, shit.
You just tweeted a second ago. Were you tweeting while you were talking to us? You just tweeted your lock of the week a second ago.
While you were talking to us. Oh, that was timed.
Oh, okay. It was scheduled in TweetDeck? I thought you were...
Okay, all right. So he's a...
What a trick I like to use. Yeah, CBS Sports writer.
He has his picks on sports line, which you should get. And you can see all Tom's picks.
He does great college football gambling. And I didn't realize this because you didn't make an announcement of why you were going to the athletic, but you write on the athletic.
I don't write for the athletic. I host a white socks podcast.
I'm your competition now. Got it.
Yeah. How many people listen to that white socks uh intriguing upwards of 15 or 16 everyone who goes to the game gets a free subscription yeah okay yeah they actually hand out episodes yeah all right let's do some college football because tom actually is very very smart when it comes to college football his picks are always sharp uh where do you want to start? Actually, I'll tell you where I want to start.
Are we going to buy the Nebraska hype because I'm sick of it? What's your level of hype? They're my dark horse this year, but I feel like they're everyone's dark horse this year. Here's my level of hype.
Adrian Martinez is going to get invited to Manhattan. They're going to win the big 10 west and it's going to be the 80s and 90s all over again and people nebraska fans think i bash on them i actually like like nebraska but i just am not ready it's one of those programs that you are what you are and holding on to the glory days is so silly to me so go ahead tell me I'm wrong well Nebraska's like become the Big Ten's version of Texas in which everybody's always proclaiming it's back and it hasn't been back yet so I get why you're tired but I do think that Nebraska could win the Big Ten West this year and I also think that if you look at them Adrian Martinez could be the best quarterback in the Big Ten and I think that's a big reason why people are so overhyped on him.
I picked him to win the division, but I also think that there are six teams in that division that can win the division. Illinois is the only one that doesn't really have a chance.
If Minnesota wins the Big Ten West, I'm not going to be surprised. Well, a little surprised, but it wouldn't be that big of a shock.
So when I look at it, that offense is going to be very good. Scott Frost, wherever he's gone, the offense has been great.
And the defense should be improved with another year of experience, although that's still kind of a wait-and-see kind of thing. But if that defense takes a step forward, as far as talent level goes and as far as how explosive that offense can be, compared to the rest of the teams in that division, they have an advantage there.
So, yeah, I think they're a legit threat to win the West. I think they're a little too popular.
So I agree with you on that. Tell me this, Tom, because I always struggle with this one with college football when we're judging going into the season.
When a defense stinks, but then they're like they're returning 10 out of 11 starters. Where do you usually weigh in for what they are? Because that happens all the time.
We're like, well, they're returning a lot of starters, but they fucking sucked. It depends who the starters are.
If I would rather have, if my secondary sucked last year, but all four of them are back, that's good. If my defensive line sucked last year and all four of them are back and there's nobody that's able to take the job, that's not great.
I'd rather have new guys in those positions, whereas secondaries, I feel like, are important, and the more experience you get, the more valuable it is. So if you're young and stupid, you're going to make mistakes that you might not make your sophomore and junior year.
So it depends who's back, but at the same time, like you said, it is one of those situations like, yeah, we have 10 starters back from a defense that allowed 44 points a game last year. Oh, boy.
So it's really hard to judge judge just based on that how good they're going to be so i look at the secondary and i look at the defensive line that those are the two most important things to me as far as which starters are back interesting before we go any further i feel like i've wanted to ask this question for you for the last two years but now it's gotten so far that i'm embarrassed to ask it but i'm going to ask it anyways uh what is the cartoon dog in your avatar that you always post? Who is that? It's Mr. Peanutbutter from BoJack Horseman.
Okay. That's one of those shows that I know I would like if I actually sat down and took the time to watch it because everybody talks about it.
I just haven't gotten around to it yet. Give it time.
Get through football season, and then when you're fiending for more football in, like, what, February 3rd or so, just try it for a little bit and see how you like it. I think you will enjoy it.
What is the significance when you post the picture of the avatar of Mr. Peanut Butter or whatever? Does that mean you just won a bet or you lost a bet? It doesn't really mean anything.
I mean, the winning the bet is the Donald Duck gift. Mr.
Peanut Butter just kind of became a meme because people associate it with me now because I think more people follow me than probably watch BoJack Quartzman at this point. So I think that they just, like you, a lot of people don't know who it is.
They think it's just my avatar. So I just use it and have kind of, I don't know what's the correct word.
I'm just kind of taking control. Yeah, there we go.
I've appropriated the cartoon culture. Okay, I'm glad that we cleared that up because it's been bugging me for a while.
Earlier you said that you think six teams can win the Big Ten West. Yes.
Is that accurate? Do you really believe that? Yeah, I mean, I think you look Nebraska, we already went over. I think Wisconsin can win the division again.
I don't think that they're going to be as bad as they were last year. Iowa is still going to be good.
Northwestern is still Northwestern. It's a team that's going to win games by three points, but it's somehow going to find ways to win them.
Purdue could take a huge step forward. And I think Minnesota, if you look at what P.J.
Fleck has done, he's really increased the talent level of that roster over what it had been in previous regimes. And they have a really good quarterback, I feel like, in Tanner who could kind of, you know, emerge as one of the top quarterbacks in the big 10.
So when you look at that division top to bottom, like I said earlier, Illinois is the only team you look at and say, I don't see a path for them there. But you look at everybody else, if things break, right.
Like they're not like a baby, a title contender in the conference. I don't know if they would beat Ohio state or Michigan in the championship game, but every team in that division is at least capable of beating every other team in that division.
So are we saying now that there's a chance the Big Ten is better than the SEC? Can we get that rivalry going? You can say it. I'm not going to agree with it.
But yeah, I mean, I think that if you look at the top of the conferences, I think the SEC still clearly better than everybody else but once you get past those top three or four teams you know just three or four of them then yeah the Big Ten is pretty much on the level with the SEC outside of Ohio State and Michigan I mean the only thing I'll say in defense of Wisconsin obviously I'm biased this is the perfect situation where last year they were ranked number four everyone said this is the best offensive line in whatever history or you know they had the they had the sports illustrated spread and jonathan taylor the hype was too much wisconsin succeeds when they are right where they need to be and that's ranked like anywhere from 15 to 25 and they can sneak up on a few people so i'm basing it solely on that yeah and plus the defense went to shit because the defense was really good in 2017 and they

lost a lot of important people.

We all just kind of overlooked it for all the reasons you just mentioned.

Hey, it's a Wisconsin offensive line.

They've got Jonathan Taylor is the best running back they've ever had.

We'll just ignore all the sacks and defensive, you know, the tackle for losses and the

interceptions that left that defense and think that they'll just be able to maintain it.

And Wisconsin is not a program that can lose that kind of production and just maintain it, at least not on the defensive side of the ball. So it was somewhat of a reset year, I think, defensively.
I think Jim Leonard's still a very good defensive coordinator, so I expect that unit to improve again in 2018. I don't know if it's 10, 11, 12 win improvement, but I do think that with what they do on offense, they have their formula, they follow it, it works for for them if the defense can take another step forward like we saw in 2017 this is a team that could easily end up winning the division and getting to indianapolis jim jim leonard leonard is my favorite badger of all time oh he's the best he's the best he's the best better than jim sorgie uh just because jim leonard the punt returns and like leonard never got choked out right there when i was in school and all that stuff so he he's a legend I want to do the other side of the Big Ten real quick everyone's saying Michigan is the best team in the east obviously they have the coaching change at Ohio State I Jim Harbaugh is never going to be on the hot seat because Michigan has no moves besides him but what happens to Michigan this year if they don't beat Notre Dame beat Michigan State beat Ohio State which they haven't been able to do and since he's been there I think that I don't know if he'd be on the hot seat but I do think the natives will start getting restless and start wondering if they can maybe you know exhume Bo Schembechner's corpse and have him run the program again it's just because it is the perfect situation for them where you look at Ohio State Ryan Day's in charge now so that's a brand new thing we saw what happened last time Ohio State had a coach resign and they brought in you know one of his assistants to run it they went six and six and now they've got the transfer quarterback in Justin Fields who has all the talent in the world but you know nobody's actually seen him do it and you look at Michigan they've got Shea Patterson a veteran quarterback they've brought in Josh Gattis to run the offense they're modernizing it they're going to you know move quicker they're going to spread things out it's not going to be three yards in the cloud of dust stuff that we kind of seen through most of Arbaugh's tenure so they're in a position and they get those games at home Notre Dame's at home Ohio State's at home so you you get that sense that if it isn't this year man I don't know when it's going to happen I have them winning the Big Ten though I have them getting to the playoffs so think it happens this season.
Okay, so last question on Michigan because I've been asking a lot of people this and I would love your take on it. Fourth quarter, Michigan's down a touchdown, four minutes left in the game.
Do you actually think that Josh Gaddis is calling the plays? Because that's really what the season kind of comes down to, to me. Like, Michigan has all the talent.
I think they're going to be very good will it be jim harbaugh calling the plays when the rubber meets the road or will it be josh gaddis i think it's going to be gaddis i think that harbaugh is going to entrust the offense to him and he's i think i think jim kind of had an epiphany where he saw that what he was doing wasn't working it's not all that dissimilar to what saban did a few years ago know, Saban's got a lot of national titles. So if Nick Saban could look at his office and say, you know, I've got to change things up if we're going to compete, if we're going to stay at the same level, I think Jim Harbaugh is just as smart as Saban, and he can look at his office and say, hey, this clearly isn't working for us.
It hasn't been able to do what I want it to do. We have to change.
And maybe Josh Gaddis is the guy. That said, there's still a lot of questions about Gaddis because while he was at Alabama last year, he wasn't the primary play caller.
So this will be his first season calling play. So there's a lot of questions there, but I do think that Harbaugh is serious about turning the control of the offense over to him.
Interesting. So if we go to the team down south, Ohio State, what is their biggest weakness besides institutional credibility? There's a lot of questions.
I mean, Ryan Day took over for three games last year, but Urban Meyer was there. So the wins go on Ryan Day's record.
But the fact was, Urban Meyer might not have been on the sidelines for the games, but he was in the building. He was helping put the game plans together.
Who are you kidding? He was just controlling things just as much as ever. Ryan Day was just doing his normal job, and he was the guy that got to throw the challenge flag if he wanted to.
But we haven't seen him do it over the course of the season, and like I mentioned too, with Justin Fields, we haven't seen Justin Fields take on the role of being the five-star quarterback yet. Even at Georgia when he was playing and there was hype around him, it was still Jake Fromm's team, so he didn't have all that pressure on his shoulders to carry it.
And there's a lot of pressure at Ohio State because there's still plenty of talent elsewhere. That defense is still going to be really good.
They've got plenty of five stars at receiver, five stars at running back, five stars on the line. Everywhere you look, it's probably the most talented roster.
It's up there with Alabamas in the country. So this is still going to be a very good team.
It's just, as we saw, when Jim Trestle resigned and Luke Fickle took over, he took over a very talented team and the bottom fell out. I don't think that's going to happen.
I think that with Ohio state this year, they still should be fine long-term. We could start to see a little, maybe slippage, but I still think that the roster right now is just too good, or I guess too big to fail.
It's just, I don't know if they could go to Ann Arbor at the end of the season if they're going to win that game. Okay, so let's go out west.
I want to talk a little Pac-12 with you. Oregon-Auburn obviously is going to be a huge game for the Pac-12.
Everyone's picking Utah as their dark horse, which makes me scared of Utah. Larry Scott has ruined the Pac-12.
Do you see there's any way that a Pac-12 team gets into the college football playoff, or will this now be what it will be, three years in a row that they get left out? I think it's, if Oregon wins against Auburn on Saturday night, I think they've got a very good shot, because I think that would be a very good sign for them going forward. But when I look at this conference as a whole, I think the team that's most likely to get there, honestly, is Washington, the last team that did get there.
They've got USC at home. They get Oregon at home.
They get Utah at home. They get Washington State at home.
The only really tough road contest that they have is Stanford. The problem that Washington is going to face and the problem that any Pac-12 team is going to face is the narrative surrounding the conference.
They can't afford to fuck up. They have to win every single game.
If they lose a game, they will find an excuse to keep them out. And especially if it's not, you know, a, if it's not a one point loss to Oregon or another top 10 team, the committee will look for reasons to keep the PAC 12 out and put an SEC team in or another big 10 team in because the PAC 12 just hasn't shown in recent years that it could win these games.
When Washington got there a few years ago, it got crushed by Alabama. So they not only have to go undefeated, but they have to be very impressive while doing it.
And that's the Pac-12's problem right now. And the other biggest problem is that USC has been so mediocre over the last five years.
They really need that dominant program to emerge, but they're too busy worrying about starting games at 9 a.m. local time for some reason i hate that it's it's the worst idea of all time i don't why do they think that's a good idea for in terms of like even revenue generation i don't get it the thought process is if we start games at 9 a.m or noon eastern the east coast will watch the games they'll have more exposure but the people on the east coast are already watching the teams that they watch so if you're an sec fan why the hell are you going to watch an oregon game when you know auburn's playing or whoever you root for if you're an ohio state fan why are you going to watch usc play at night at 11 a.m instead of the buckeyes it's it's just a really dumb idea from a conference that has floated out a lot of really dumb ideas well larry scott's an idiot and he's basically running the the entire conference into the ground it sucks because i love college football and i love when there is that team out west that feels it just feels different when usc or oregon is in the mix uh it's just gonna i think the only thing that's gonna fix it is urban meyer's gonna go coach usc yeah so what's the over under like six weeks seven weeks when is the first official report linking urban meyer to usc going to come out i'm surprised it hasn't come out yet but if if you look at usc schedule look they start off against fresno state on saturday night which is a game they should win because i think fresno state's replacing a lot of important players but then they get stanford at byu utah at washington at November, all by mid-October.

So there's a very good chance they've lost four or five games halfway through the season,

and Clay Helton is going to be out of the door at that point.

And somebody we don't know, it might be Graham Harrell, the offensive coordinator,

is going to take over as the interim coach.

But as soon as that begins, the Urban Meyer talk will start in earnest.

And I think that a lot of people want to deny it and say that it's just too obvious but i think it's too obvious for a reason because we've seen meyer do this before and i don't think urban meyer is is serious about not coaching as maybe he thinks he is yeah right right right he can say all the right things right now but once the game starts well it's not even gonna hate being on tv yeah i was gonna say it's not the game starting it's the fact that he's on tv that he's gonna hate he's gonna be like to be like, this sucks here. I'm going to put a name out there for you.
Ready? Not a lot of people are talking about it. USC starts to tank.
Lane Kiffin. It's the return.
It would be funny. I don't think it happens, but it would be hilarious when they realized, shit, we probably shouldn't have fired him because things really haven't been any better since we got rid of him.
We maybe should have kept him around. Because, I mean, he did take over that program when it was under NCAA sanctions, and I don't think he really did get a fair shake because if you look at how USC's been since then, he was recruiting well, he just wasn't winning the games, and he had a limited amount of scholarships he was able to get out.
You give him the full slate of 85, maybe he puts together a winning team. Okay.
Can you tell me why we were so very wrong about Herm Edwards last year? Because we had a lot of fun at old Herm's expense when he was still, like, appearing on first take a month and a half into his tenure as head coach at ASU. But then somehow he put together a pretty good season by being, like, the CEO of that program.
Why were we so wrong about him? We were so wrong because our expectations were super low. I mean, it was just the idea that they were hiring him straight out of ESPN after he'd been at ESPN for what felt like two decades and hadn't been on the sideline in forever.
And last we saw him on the sideline, it's not like he was winning a ton of games in the NFL that we thought, oh my God, Arizona State's going to win like three games a year. This is going to be a huge embarrassment.
He's going to get fired. And then they go seven and six and you're like're like hey this this wasn't that bad but the truth is seven and six isn't very good it's really no better than todd graham was doing that got todd graham fired at arizona state in the first place looking seven and six yeah well todd graham had good because it was five more wins than we expected that's all it was right and todd graham also had the uh clear headset which if you are a school like yeah if you're a school like school like Arizona State, you need a look, and that was the look.
And Herm's got a look, but it's more of a look of bewilderment a lot of the time. Right.
All right, so my last question, actually I have two last questions. One is, please tell us that it's not going to be Clemson, Alabama, even though it's going to be Clemson, Alabama.
What's your final four? My final four is Clemson, Alabama, Oklahoma, and Michigan. Oh, nice.
I picked Oklahoma and Clemson to be in the final. I think Oklahoma beats Alabama in a semi this year just because, and we saw with Dylan Moses' injury today, he's out for the year, torn ACL.
That's a huge loss for Alabama at linebacker. And you look at their problem last year, that defense dipped off.
Now they're losing one of their best defenders. I think that this year, Oklahoma's defense is going to be better.
I think the offense is still going to be very good. I think maybe they catch Oklahoma in a semifinal and they get revenge on them.
Jalen Hurts' revenge game. That would be great.
I got goosebumps thinking about that. I actually lied, by the way.
I have two more final questions. Then you have two have more final questions tom knows after we're under on four five final questions i think we'll be probably probably four and a half you i take the over you take the all right give me your uh lock of the week uh lock of the week i talked about it earlier i've taken usc uh minus 13 and a half against fresno like i said i think I think that we're just underrating the Trojans,

but Fresno State won 22 games the last two years,

but everybody on that team that mattered is gone,

and Fresno State is not a team that's just going to reload.

So USC is going to be by far and away the most talented team on that field Saturday night.

Okay, and then give me 30 seconds about Illinois football

so that we can say we talked about them.

Liddyville, is Liddyville still going?

Yeah, Liddyville's still going.

Lovey is recruiting very well.

He's got a bunch of four and five-star kids.

Interesting.

Look at the recruiting rankings.

24-7 sports does their talent rankings of rosters.

Illinois, now the eighth most talented roster in the Big Ten,

more talented than the Wisconsin Badgers.

Tom, that's interesting.

Lovey Smith just showed up and started recruiting well.

Interesting. Huh.
Are you done? interesting. Lovie Smith just showed up and started recruiting well.
Hmm. Interesting.

Huh. Are you done?

I know what you're lying,

but I hope it's true. One more thing.
Yeah, I know.

That's the thing. That's the best part about being a college sports fan is that

I actually kind of wish Wisconsin cheated.

Everyone kind of hopes that their team

cheats. Sure.
Who cares? Nobody cares

if your team wins games. Does Lovie still have the beard?

Yeah. Yes.
Fuck yeah. I can't wait to see Lovie in the snow with that beard again.
And new facility at Illinois. Yes, it's a very nice new facility, too.
They finally caught up to everybody else. Yeah.
Okay, go ahead. All right, give me your low-man trophy watch list.
Who are the best fullbacks in the country? Last year, I think you told us Chandler Cox and Ben Mason and Alec Ingold. I'm devastated that Ben Mason's no longer playing fullback this year.
I think, you know, Gillaspie is gone. I don't know who replaced him at Texas A&M, but it's your usual suspects.
There's only a few teams that are still using the fullback. So I think we have to look at LSU.
We have to look at Texas A&M. Michigan's not going to have a fullback.
Ben Mason's going to play fullback, though.

He's going to go both ways.

No, he's going both ways.

But they're going to be in a shotgun most of the time.

Maybe he'll be a goal-line fullback.

So I'm rooting for Ben Mason.

I want Ben Mason to win the low man to be the first two-way player to win the low man.

I want him to get a couple touchdowns, a couple fullback assists,

and I want him to get a few sacks.

Okay, that'd be something.

That'd be awesome.

My last question, is Texas back? No. All right.
They might be third place in the Big 12. Really so what part of the team don't you believe in because they got a coach that well I guess he doesn't kiss the players anymore.
He should start kissing the players more. I don't think they're going to be bad it's just I don't I think that while they're they're improving they're improving at the same rate that Oklahoma is still improving.
So I just think there's still a huge gap between them and Oklahoma. I think Oklahoma is on a level of its own.
And then Texas is kind of fighting with Oklahoma State, Baylor, and Iowa State to be the second-best team in that conference. Okay.
And then we had one last question, so I guess we hit the over. Yep.
You got it? Do you question i have a question no i've learned a lot this this this interview okay so you want to read through my tweets hank he's actually figure out something to ask he's doing that right now so uh we'll cut this part out the rivalry between hank and tom stays stays uh lit are you excited here's my last question tom are you you noticed... You need to tweet more information and not links.
I'm not clicking through any of these. That wasn't a question.
That was just a critique. Is Hank being mean? I'm taking a mental note, Hank.
Once the season starts and I have information to tweet out, you'll be the first to know. Thank you.
I guess that's it. I do have a question.
Did you know that since 2000, there have been seven teams that turned the ball over seven times in a game and still win the game? The last time in the NFL was when East Carolina turned it over seven times in a 28-23 win over UAB. Thanks, Hank.
You know, it's funny you bring that up because Hawaii almost pulled off that same feed on Saturday night, but they finished with only six. But that's a really interesting fact, Hank.
Thank you for that. Way to go, Hank, Hank.
So one of my favorite parts about college football season is Big Ten guys,

like media guys, having these little side battles against SEC guys.

Why are you bringing that up with me and Tom here?

Because we're going to have Andy Staples on.

Yeah, yeah, yeah. But it's not a battle.

Big Ten's better.

No, but I like the media.

Like picking out your opponent, going head to head.

I want to give Tom an open floor to trash Andyy staples and then we'll let him trash you tom i won't let him trash you just so you know i got your back are we talking about noted food blogger andy staples i didn't know he covered college football i don't remember the last wrote about it yes i like it got him i like it got him um i won't let him trash you tom worry. Big 10 guys got to stick together.
And he probably doesn't even know who I am. Well, we'll let him know.
Yeah. We'll fucking buzz that tower.
We'll deliver the message. Yeah, we'll buzz that tower.
Mr. Ivory Tower, big shot.
Yeah. The athletic.
Does he work for the athletic? Yeah. Oh, yeah.
You guys all work for the athletic. He's got a podcast now, too.
So you've got a lot of competition now, boys.

So between the two of your athletic podcasts, you get like a thousand downloads?

Yeah, probably.

Fingers crossed.

I'm a good week.

Check still clears.

Tom, you totally fucked up not doing a why I'm going to The Athletic.

I'm not going to The Athletic. I'm just freelancing, co-hosting a White Sox podcast.
That's what they all say. CBS Sports is like, yeah, Tom, go produce content for another company.
Yeah, they allowed me to. They're very nice.
They're very accommodating at CBSSports.com. You ever think about maybe when you get a little too high, The Athletic is just a dark star, a black star.
What do they call that? Black hole. Black hole.
And it's just sucking every media member in there.

And eventually we will all work for the athletic.

Oh,

it's going to be like the Amazon of sports writing.

Right.

And then it's just state controlled sports writing.

And then they just take it out of your paycheck every month.

You don't even have to like your taxes.

Five ninety nine a month goes to the athletic.

Fuck.

I didn't even think about that till now.

Jesus.

All right.

All right.

Tom,

thank you.

Everyone follow him at Tom Fornelli. F-O-R-N-E-L-L-I.

Yes, he is Italian.

Don't make Italian jokes.

Or you can just follow me.

Or just follow Hank.

Hank has all of it.

Follow Tom Fornelli at H-E-N underscore E-A-S-E.

Yeah, but he really does have great picks, and he's very, very sharp.

So do follow him.

Tom, thank you very much.

We'll hopefully talk to you again this season. Thank you very much.
I look forward to coming back. Love you, Tom.
Love you too. That was quick.
That interview with Tom Fernelli was brought to you by Let Go. Let Go is the fastest growing mobile marketplace to buy and sell locally.
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We use let go here and you guys should do. And now we're going to kick it over to Andy Staples, who has not let himself go.
He's actually in great shape. OK, we now welcome on andy staples you can find him on the athletic on sirius and that's it now you've moved why did you join the athletic this is a theme of uh your interview and tom fornelli's interview we realized everyone eventually their fate in media is going to join the athletic so you're on the athletic now it's It's sort of like Demolition Man.
You know how all restaurants are Taco Bell? Yes. Now all sports writing is the athletic.
That's the way it works. So, no, I just, some of my best friends are there.
They're like, hey, come over, write whatever you want, do it the way you want to. I was like, okay, really good so uh and and it seems like people are willing to buy it which you know i didn't know if people want to pay for stuff and it seems like people are willing to pay for stuff so i'm i'm kind of happy about that okay so uh p you you can write whatever you want and i'm happy you said that because i have a bone to pick with you.
I've got to get it out of the way right now. One, you cursed Wisconsin with your huge feature when you went and ate with the offensive line, and then they had a terrible year after being ranked fourth.
And then two, you wrote a very interesting article, which I really liked, this thought experiment. If you put Dabo or Nick Saban on any Power 5 team, which ones would win a national title in the next five years? And you specifically said Wisconsin was not on that list.
So fuck you, man. Yes, it was a compliment to Barry Alvarez and Brett Bielema and Paul Christ that I think they have got Wisconsin about as close to the ceiling as you can be.
That's why. Because the natural talent base just isn't there.
You've got to have some natural talent base to be a national title consider. Now, I included Nebraska on that list because the brand name is so big that I think they can get people to come.
I just don't know with Wisconsin. I feel like they've got them.
When they were rolling 10-11 wins every year I think that's the ceiling right there Damn So that actually I had the on Wednesday's show I said a hard pill to swallow is the fact that Wisconsin will never win a national title I love college football you love college football we all love college football do you think it's a fair criticism of college football to say there's really only maybe 10 teams that win a national title in our lifetime I think it's the most valid criticism of college football because that's the complaint I get the most is people feel like it's preordained and from from different fan bases, you get this what's in it for me because their team's not going to compete for the national title. And it seems like that group at the top has gotten even smaller.
I actually have something coming up about this this week. A reader asked me the same thing.
He's like, is there anybody else that's going to join the club? Because right now, I think I can name five teams that can win the national title this year. And I'm not sure there's anybody else.
Alabama, Clemson, Georgia, Ohio State, Oklahoma. No Michigan in there, I noticed.
I've got to see Michigan beat Ohio State first. I really do.
I don't get the people who are saying, well, Urban Meyer is gone. Now Michigan is going to win the Big Ten.
Well, the talent gap that was exposed very wide during that game last year is still there. Penn State has actually recruited better than Michigan has.
So if anybody is going to come and step in because Urban Meyer is not there anymore, I would guess it would be Penn State, which has a coach, James Franklin, who has already actually won the Big Ten. But with Michigan, I just need to see it.
The other ones that I think maybe could join that club, I think LSU is getting closer, but I don't think they're there yet. I think Texas might be getting there.
Auburn's the interesting one because Auburn's the weirdest team in the country. They're the highest ceiling, lowest floor.
Their ceiling is national championship. Their floor is five and seven, and they pay Gus Malzahn $28 million to go away.
But they have the talent to win. So jumping back to your original take that you just brought up about how you think that you could take any coach, basically put them anywhere in the United States.
No, just Dabo and Nick Saban. Sorry, you could put Dabo and Nick Saban anywhere in the United States.
Power 5. I actually think that at any Power 5 school, they could win no matter where it was because you don't necessarily need to just stick to regional recruiting anymore, especially if it's a guy that's got championships.
You could be based in the Upper Peninsula of Michigan and still be able to recruit in Southern California if you've got Nick Saban's track record, right? No, because you're still going to run into people for whom proximity to home is the most important thing. That has always been the biggest factor in recruits' decisions overall, and it still is.
Now, it's less important now. But you do have to think about how you grew up, where you grew up.
Kids who grew up in the South are very unlikely to go north and freeze. It's just not not in their dna for the most part now you'll get a few of them but it would be hard sitting there in the up to get players from georgia to come play there because somebody closer to home is going to offer them something almost as good and And they just don't like being cold.
Yeah, that's actually a good counterpoint. I hate to say this.
I was born in South Carolina. We moved to Florida when I was seven.
I've never lived north of Knoxville, Tennessee, and Knoxville was too cold for me. If you tried to convince me to move to Madison when someone said I could live in Athens, Georgia,

it's not happening. Yeah, okay, I can see that.
Being cold does suck. Yeah, it does.
Eight months out of the year in New York is trash. I mean, bare weather makes you a man.
It does make you a little bit excited stepping outside and getting slapped in the face by God. You guys say this, but we say this now in Florida.
When I walk out my door and you can drink the air when it's 95 degrees, it's 100% humidity. That's what makes you a man.
No. That's tough.
That just makes you annoyed. Yeah, and you stay in your AC all day.
No, no. We just take our clothes off.
It's Florida. Yeah, that's true.
We have no qualms about nudity. No laws now.
Yeah, do enough bath salts, you think it's winter. So speaking of Florida, you're a big Florida homer.
It obviously clouds your journalistic integrity a little bit. Are you able to say that Philippe Frank sucks? Stinks.
Nope. Stinks.
It's funny. They got so mad at me last week, all those Florida people, because I predicted they'd go 8-4.
And then the Miami game happens and they're like, oh, 8-4

is too good. You're going to be like

6-6.

And yeah, gone in

on Felipe Franks. He's fine.

He's not a great college

quarterback. He's fine.

He's gotten much better.

The old Felipe Franks would have

thrown five picks and gotten sacked five times the other night. The new one only threw the two.
It's progress. That's huge.
Are you like Paul Feinbaum and you think Miami is a third-world program? No, but I don't think they can get back to where they were dominating before. It's so weird because they have so much talent around them, but the politics of recruiting in Miami are so nasty.
I wouldn't want to be Manny Diaz trying to recruit in Miami because every time you offer somebody, like 10 other people get mad. And then every time you don't offer somebody, like 100 people get mad.
There's no winning there, but I do think Manny's going to be good at Miami,

and I think that quarterback could be pretty good if somebody would block.

Yeah, he actually did impress me.

I was like, there's no way Miami feels like we haven't had a good quarterback

in forever, but he was impressive in a loss.

I want to talk real quick about the SEC and Georgia.

Is this the year that Georgia finally can get over the hump and beat alabama and uh kind of exercise those demons or is there maybe a dark horse in the sec that we're not even thinking about you can freely say lsu because we are coach o homers oh of course all right i know i know how you feel about coach o so but okay so here's my thing georgia is farther from the rest of the East than Alabama is from the rest of the West. So I think Georgia probably has an easier path of going undefeated through the regular season than Alabama does.
Now, do they get over the hump is another question. They should have won the last two times they played.
You know, I still can't, like, my mind is still blown at the whole Justin Fields fake punt thing. How they ended up losing that game, I don't know.
But you think if they play again, eventually they are going to break through. Because, as we've seen the last couple times, the talent level is not that different.
My dark horse, I love LSU. I need their offensive line to be a little bit better, but I feel like they've improved everywhere else since Coach O took over.
Auburn's the one. If this Bo Nix kid, the true freshman, can play, the quarterback, they got the best defensive line in the country maybe, they could be really and they could beat alabama in the iron bowl in auburn and then all of a sudden everything's different i mean i'll tell you right now he can play he's the son of uh uh patrick nicks right patrick nicks right and bo nicks close your eyes bo nicks quarterback in the sec great name I mean that's that's it right there

I don't even have to tell you anything else about him he's going to be successful absolutely I mean

he's Patrick Nix's kid named after the best player to ever play at Auburn and my favorite

athlete as a child growing up except for Steve Sanihill who's the greatest college football

player of all time but yeah your name Bo you play forurn. You got the right last name.
Your dad was a coach. He's Coach's kid.
Yeah, I love it. Written in the stars.
He's sold. He's coach on the field.
Yeah. Well, they don't have one on the sidelines, so it's a good thing he's under center.
There you go. Is he getting fired this year? People are piling on Gus.
So, I don't think so because I think they're going to turn out pretty good. But their schedule is so hard that if they drop a few and they're sitting there at like 8-4, maybe because they get these itchy trigger fingers at Auburn.
They were ready to do it last year. They were owed him like $32 million.
Yeah. He looks like such a nerd like he's got a bad look to him.
He has a very fireable face. Well, and part of it is Gus is all about, you know, ball and waffle house.
He doesn't care about anything else, and it makes it very hard to make him lovable. And I think they were trying to make him a little bit more lovable this offseason.
Eh, you're going to work. The only thing Auburn fans actually love is winning.
So if you do that, great. If you don't do that, they'll write you one gigantic check to leave.
Okay, so the check thing, I wanted to actually ask you a question here. I think a lot of people, maybe the casual fan doesn't fully understand how it works, and maybe I don't, but I'm going to throw because I think I understand you can correct me when a team wants to fire a coach it really could only take one or two huge boosters who basically say they'll come to the table and write the check am I right yes and there's there's a story that enough people have told me is true that I believe it that when Kevin Sumlin was at Texas A&M, and the time his buyout was $20 million, and the way his contract was written was that they had to pay it in one lump sum within 60 days of his firing, which that's not normal.
Usually you pay it out over a few years. So this was a big ask, $20 million in one shot.
People stepped up and were willing to write those checks now they didn't do it that year they wound up doing a couple years later but people were willing to write those checks they had the guys that had enough juice who could just you know enough in checking right now to make that happen it's crazy and gus is actually a similar situation doesn't gus have a clause where if he gets fired, he gets $13 million within 30 days? I believe so. I mean, they had him in a pretty tough situation when Jimmy Sexton did that contract.
Because, and this is a very Auburn way of doing things. It's 2017.
They're going into a gauntlet that includes Georgia and Alabama

in two games

in three weeks.

The thought is, if he loses both those games,

he's fired. Well,

he wins both those games.

Suddenly, Arkansas opens.

Gus is from Arkansas. People actually

believed he might want to go back to Arkansas.

And they just

gave him whatever he wanted. It's crazy.
They should just let him go let him go to Arkansas that's such a sweet gig to be a head coach yeah but isn't it crazy just to think like there are fans out there boosters who if your coach is on the hot seat he is on the hot seat literally because some rich dude some oil dude in Texas or some guy who you who has a huge corporation in Alabama is saying, I will write a check for $15 million to get rid of this guy. It's insane.
And I'm pretty sure that checks a tax deduction, which is awesome. Oh, hell yeah.
You can get a tax deduction for firing a football coach? Yes. I believe so.
I'm shocked that T. Boone Pickens has kept old Gundy around for that long.
That's a life goal, though, to be like, hey, I can just fire my coach. Yeah.
They've had their – T. Boone knows he's got a good thing in Gundy.
Oh, he does. He may have easily slide into the DMs of the Tennessee AD and say, hey, yeah, I'll talk to you.
But at the end of the day, we know his mullet will stay in Stillwater as long as they just throw a couple more dollars on the contract. Yeah, but T.
Boone also loves a tax deduction. Just add those dollars.
He's a big fan of that, yeah. Just add those dollars.
He's got wind farms for that. Yeah, that's true.
That's true. Who is the best former SEC quarterback transfer in the nation right now? Blake Barnett at USF.
I want to see Justin Fields at Ohio State. Because all indications were he was pretty good in practice last year.
But couldn't beat out Jake Fromm. Which, look, if you don't beat out a guy who led his team to the national title game

as a true freshman, there's no shame in that.

So Justin Fields has a big skill set.

I am interested to see him in that offense that did Ryan Day runs

because he – I mean, he can throw like Dwayne Haskins,

but he can move like JT Barrett.

If you put those things together and he processes well, it's going to be hard to stop. Do you believe – I was never a big Jalen Hurts guy, but I believe in Lincoln Riley and making it very easy for the quarterback in that system.
I don't think he's going to be Baker or Kyler, but are you buying into the fact that Oklahoma is going to just basically roll on from this? Yeah, Lincoln will find a way to emphasize what Jalen does well and minimize what he doesn't do well. I will say, if you go back to that SEC championship game last year, there were some throws he made.
He would not have made those throws his freshman or sophomore year. So there was some improvement last year that if that has continued, we may be a little surprised at how well he throws the ball.
Because I felt like, I went back and watched his first game at Alabama against USC last year because I was curious. And watching him throw the ball in that game, it was almost like he'd regressed over the next two years.
And then when you saw him again playing against Georgia, he then looked like he'd actually made some progress So I'm not Not so sure Jalen's going to be Just a run it and dink and dunk Throw guy I think he's going to be able to throw a little bit in this offense He also squats like 600 pounds Have you ever seen that video? No that's insane Better or worse than LeBron Dude it is insane how much Jalen Hurts can squat. Do you know? Yes.
Even squat Twitter didn't have any criticism for that. No, seriously.
I've never seen a team so hyped. He went parallel at least.
That's saying something because squat Twitter will get after you. Yeah.
Andy, I got one last question for you. Give me your final four in the champion.
And, I mean, obviously you're going to just say Clemson, Alabama. Yeah, I have the most boring Final Four known to man.
I have Clemson, Alabama, Oklahoma, and Ohio State with Clemson winning another national title. Great.
Good. Another electric season in the books.
I know. I love college football, though, so I don't care.
I'm going to watch every fucking game. What are the odds? Just give odds just give me some daylight here Andy give me some daylight here What are the odds that LSU gets in the Final Four It's not impossible But they got to block better It's not impossible though If they can beat Alabama They can beat anybody That's the one They have enough talent everywhere else They just just got a block okay and they need the sec to not screw them over on these like terrible missed calls like they did last year with oh who is it devin white and del pit all that shit free devin white free devin white and white yes yes free devin white um all right oh did you want to ask me if you wanted to bash tom oh yeah so tom.
So Tom bashed you when we had him on, and I love the nice little SEC Big Ten media beef. So why don't you say some bad shit about Tom? Make him feel like a real asshole.
Well, I mean, if I actually read anything Tom ever wrote, I'd probably have more to say. Oh, let's go.
He actually burned you pretty well. He was like Andy Staples, the food blogger.
Well, he's right about that. I'm better at that than writing about football.
I would say I'm going to score this one-to-one. You guys both got a nice burn that didn't hurt anyone's feelings, and it's been a good time.
Mr. Fornelli is wonderful, and I hope he'll come on my radio show again.
There you go. I think he won't now.
There you go. You can always have Hank on if Tom went to basically the same guest.
Done. Andy, thank you so much, man.
Hopefully we see you at a game this year. Alright, thanks guys.
See you, man. Thank you.
That interview with Andy Staples is brought to you by Peloton. Why does Men's Health call the Peloton bike the best cardio machine on the planet? Well, let's break it down.
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It makes for a great gift as well. Okay, let's get to some segments.
First up, we have Embrace the Bait. Carly Lloyd is going to try out for an NFL team in 2020.
She says that she's open to it. So she hit a 55-yarder in practice at the Eagles training facility.
Okay. It was like a five-step approach to it as opposed to like a two- or three-step approach like Morton Anderson did.
But Morton Anderson says he's going to teach her how to hit the middle because the middle never changes now i'm assuming that there are a lot of people who are very mad at the idea of this even happening there are okay why would you think that because i just know the internet in 2019 and i for one am all for this because it's entertainment like if she makes a team awesome if she doesn't awesome we get to talk about something in the middle of the year. Yeah, who cares if she doesn't make a team? Like, it is.
Right. She should get a tryout.
Why not? Right. She could be awesome.
I have no problem with that. Now, I think she could actually play quarterback for some teams out there.
Probably. Like the Bucs.
The Colts. Yeah.
Well, no. Swag.
Yeah. But this is one of those stories that if you have a very, like, both sides, right? If you say, she's going to make the team, guaranteed, or this is an affront to football, how could you let her come out for a tryout? You're a loser.
This is a story that it's similar to Earmuffs PFT, Tim Tebow playing baseball. Yeah.
Like, just let him play. It's a great idea.
Thank you. It you it's a great idea right and tim tebow would have a fun time with the crossbar as well um so i agree i think like let her kick why not i think that women actually might have a natural advantage in their bodies when it comes to kicking because they don't have those clumsy testicles that you squish sometimes when you kick true it's like guys can we can rest beers on our chest more effectively it's's just how God designed us.
They're probably designed to be kickers. I'm all for it.
Let her kick. Let her kick.
Let her kick. Why not? Let her kick.
I mean, as a Bears fan, would you give her a shot? Yeah. I would give anyone who's ever kicked a ball ever a chance.
Okay. That's just like Morton Anderson.
Actually, Morton Anderson should be on the Bears why not right I mean let Carly let it be a situation where maybe Carly for 2020 is on the Bears and same with Morton and she it's like a Brett Favre and Rogers thing like you're not ready yet let her let her learn under him and game speed and then we'll pass the torch anyone who can kick a field goal at any kind of efficiency should be on the Bears. What I love about this argument is people saying that she wouldn't be able to tackle players on a kickoff.
Well, let somebody else handle the kickoff. But have you seen kickers try to – like, as a former kicker, I can make these jokes.
Right. And it's not pretty.
We aren't good at tackling naturally. That's like part.
It's part of our DNA.

I shy away from.

It's just one of those stories that like, why would anyone care either way?

Just let like if if she's awesome, that's really cool story.

If she's not.

Okay.

She's not.

Who cares?

Yeah.

There's a lot of kickers out there who are floating around.

There's probably like 100 kickers out there who are just waiting for a spot and trying

to get a tryout.

Why can't she just be in that pool?

I agree.

Let Carly kick.

Hank, your thoughts.

Damn, we are so progressive.

Definitely let her kick.

Fuck yeah.

Damn.

Just pat ourselves on the back.

Good job.

Good job.

Anti-Nazi pro-woman football player.

Kickers in the NFL.

Yeah.

Love it.

When do we get all the retweets and the likes from the blue checkmark? Does that happen now? Yes. We've made it.
Okay. Also, just like she's used to having Rose set her up.
Just have Rose be her holder. BC word, Bicette.
What? After my fire fest. It's kind of fucked up.
Yeah, that's true. What'd you say? The B word.
The blue check. Oh, okay.
Oh, yeah. Sorry, Hank yeah sorry hank thoughts and prayers okay hank you just totally derailed the whole thing because you aren't verified on instagram and you can't slide into dms um sabermetrics pft yeah interesting sabermetrics we talked about the seven-year bump and how some players are still waiting derrick carr is hitting the-year bump this year right the classic one Jay Cutler's uh not immune to it um so somebody actually put the stats together out there shout out the Geico Gecko I don't know if that's the real it's a real one if it's the commercial Gecko uh but they put together a spreadsheet and they found out that 19 out of 22 quarterbacks entering year seven had a better touchdown per attempt percentage.
Everyone except for Jay Cutler had a better completion percentage. 15 out of 22 had a better interception per attempt percentage and yards per game, and 16 out of 22 had a better yards per attempt.
I got to admit, all those numbers just washed right over me. I'm just hung up on the fact that we actually haven't seen the Geico Gecko for a long time, and what if he is just a football Sabermetrics guy now? I could see that.
I'm trying to think the last time we saw the Geico Gecko. I can't remember it.
So do you think he got laid off and this is his job now i don't know i could see flow being a number cruncher too yeah i could see flow putting together some i didn't it's just one of those things when you say four numbers in a row i lose track okay so basically the seven-year bump is real and gecko gecko guy now we know where he is he confirmed it yeah all so i agree with you those percentages don't make sense to me when I hear Geico Gecko guy now, we know where he is. He confirmed it.
Yeah. So I agree with you.
Those percentages don't make sense to me. When I hear Geico Gecko, I just think 15% or more off car insurance.
That's true. And here's a question for the team.
Do you think the voice of the Geico Gecko has used that in a pickup line? Absolutely. Hell yeah.
Has it worked? Yes. 15 minutes.
Yeah. And all it could take.
He's like, hey, you see that commercial at a crowded bar? Smells like stale farts. Peanuts on the floor.
Boom. Commercial comes on.
Can't even hear it because it's music's playing. And he's like, you see that gecko? I'm the voice behind it.
I think he would just tell girl. Like he would walk up to a girl and say the the Geico commercial like, oh, sorry, sorry, sorry, I'm so caught up in my work.
What do you do for work? Oh, I'm the Geico Gecko. Funny you should ask.
Absolutely. One time I worked with a guy on a temp job that was the voice of the dogs that did the Jingle Bells, the dogs barking Jingle Bells song.
That was his that he recorded like 10 years ago. And every now and again he'd just go, people would look at me like why do you keep saying woof he's like oh that's actually my dog impression that i did when i was the voice of the dog singing jingle bells we need to write this down hank for a future barstool gold episode we need to interview like a medium famous voice from a commercial like a commercial acting voice where he's got one claim to fame and that's him i would love to get the gecko center guy he's actually though he's a weirdo and also he has done a ton and he's still working i want the guy does he do well he does all the sports there's if i think he also does like one call the radio stuff either way I want the guy who it was 10 years ago and he's now just

Jared Well, he does all the sports there. So I think he also does one call the radio stuff.
Either way, I want the guy who it was 10 years ago and he's now just Jerry from Subway. Yeah, he was like that guy interview him.
Yeah. Oh, no, his his video cameras outside.
So turned off. Shit.
Mount Rushmore of reasons why Jared from Subway wasn't really that bad. Yeah, that would be enough.
That on the worst. Mount Rushmore ofared holding a different pants jared's held up okay um jadevian clowny free agency we should get the guy from uh cnn this is cnn oh i bet he'd be good yeah interesting interview jadevian clowny maybe the cars were kids whole thing the whole band they're probably grown up we'll separate that one from the jared interview now it my head.
All right, Jadavian Clowney update. There's five teams he wants to be traded to, and he says no to the Dolphins.
So he's doing this like Antonio Brown did, where he's willed himself into becoming a free agent through his contract situation. So, yeah, he said he doesn't want to go to the Dolphins, but he met with the Dolphins, even though he's on the Texans.
So I don't know what that's all about, collecting info behind the scenes. I don't know.
But he wants to go to the Eagles, the Seahawks, and I think those are the two ones that he really wants to go to. This is a classic case of the Dolphins.
You can't, if you were the Dolphins, you cannot make it known that you want Jadavian Clowney just in case he says,

I don't want to go to the Dolphins.

You cannot let yourself be out there like that.

This is like a Buffalo Bills situation where AB was on the Bills for three hours.

He's like, ew.

Yeah.

And then he's like, no, I'm not allowing myself to be traded to the Bills.

Right.

Like, don't go ask the girl out because she could say, you're gross and I would never

go out with you.

Yeah.

General rule of thumb, don't say that you're interested in another player if you are a team in the AFC East. Right.
Ever. General rule of thumb, don't ever let yourself become emotionally available.
Ever. For other people to crush that emotion.
Right. That's why we're dicks all the time to everyone.
Just put up a hard facade and just tell everyone to fuck off. Talking soccer.
Before we get our exit interview with Jill, we had talking soccer, Eric Cantana, who is a legend of the game. As soccer fans, we know that.
You pronounce that beautifully, by the way. Yeah.
He had the Swanser a wagon. They won 6-0 midweek.

In the championship league?

I think this is actually the FA Cup first couple rounds.

Anyway, he did a speech for the Champions League draw.

What the fuck was he on?

Can we put actually the audio in?

Yeah, let's put the audio in there.

As flies to wanton boys, we are for the gods. They kill us for the sport.
Soon the science will not only be able to slow down the aging of the cells. Soon the science will fix the cells to the state.

And so we become eternal. Only accidents, crimes, wars will still kill us.
But unfortunately, crimes and wars will multiply. I love football.
Thank you. What the fuck was he on? Whatever it is, it sounds excellent.
I love soccer. Yeah.
Ending it with saying, I, yeah. It tied it together.
For a second, I thought he was going to go off the rails a little bit, but then he brought it back to football at the end. And all the stuff about flags or flies to wanton boys, it was very bizarre.
Basically, Eric Quintana thinks that we're going to evolve as a species to the point where we don't die ever unless we're killed by something.

Right.

And then ending it with I love football is such a sneaky, great move.

Like Jeb Bush should have said, I love football instead of please clap.

Yeah.

Because people would have clapped.

That's just a great campaign slogan for anybody.

Yeah.

I love football.

I love football too.

Okay, cool.

That guy's smart.

We should put that on a shirt.

Yeah.

I love football. Sunday fun day.
What a cool shirt that would be. All right, let's do an exit interview with Julie football.
Don't talk to me until I've had my mimosa. Hmm.
Okay. Exit interview with Jill plus some roasts.
We thought, Jill, we let you know that the internship was ending this week. We thought we were going to do this on Thursday, and then you haven't come in until today.
I thought you Irish goodbye to us, Jill. I was very worried.
I felt bad. Yeah, we were worried.
Nice racial slur, Hank. Ooh, yes.
No, I had a lot of other interviews. You know, CBS Sports called, ESPN.
Yep, fuck them. Al Michael called personally, wants me to be on Monday Night Football.
I mean, I had things to do. Okay.
So you came in. You showed up.
You basically like a poof of smoke. Baked some food.
Some awesome cookies. You did the classic move where I called it a grandma move.
And I'm sorry for that because you're not actually a grandmother, correct? I am not a grandmother. Okay.
Soon to be, hopefully hopefully someday. Listen, Jill's kids.
The clock is ticking. Get to fucking.
She did the cookies with the Reese's cooked into them, which is a cousin to the sugar cookies with the Hershey Kiss into them. That's amazing.
You have to be over 60 years old to cook that. And it's always great.
Always great. Thank you.
Are any of your kids in danger of having kids? In danger? Yeah. Are you starting to pressure them? In danger.
The pressure is on. The pressure is on.
Get to watching those cream pie scenes. Are any married? Nobody's married.
Okay, so then you have a big problem. We got to get that happening first.

Okay.

So Jill, your entire internship, what'd you learn?

Again, you're welcome to come back anytime.

I think we'll see you.

You'll just pop in.

Oh, you better.

Okay.

You better ask me to come back.

Yes.

I'm around.

Well, we might not ask.

You might just open door.

Well, I will show up. We will ask, but you also can show up anytime you want.

Absolutely.

I will.

Okay.

With cookies. Yeah.
By the way, I saw show up. We will ask, but you also can show up anytime you want.
Absolutely, I will. Okay, so.
With cookies. Yeah.
Anything you, by the way, I saw Jill at like 11 o'clock this morning. She was drinking a Truly.
Hell yeah, party girl. Last day of school.
Last day of school. You got senioritis.
Yeah. All right, so what did you learn before we do roasts and everything else? Okay, well, I learned Twitter.
Yes. I learned Twitter and how crazy it is it is crazy you know i mean you i would say 99 of it was really positive but then you have the dicks who just want to be dicks you know so you know i learned that and i song well i also learned that pizza douchebag yeah pizza douche Douchebag, yep.
And possibly the assassin for the Clintons. Yes.
Yeah. Yes, I'm all about that.
I am in with that one. Let's expand it to Illuminati.
Yeah, Illuminati. Yeah.
By the way, you have 60,000 Twitter followers. That's all in one summer.
That's pretty insane. I'm impressed.
Whoa, I know. I mean, I'm...
And I have to say, meeting some of these Jilly Beans on the street has been amazing. I mean, I'm and I have to say, I meeting some of these Jilly beans on the street has been amazing.
I mean, so keep saying hi to Jill if you're Jilly Beanie. Oh, yes, absolutely.
I will stay on Twitter because I love it. It's kind of like a backhanded skill that we taught you in Twitter.
Like, congratulations, we ruined your brain. Here's the worst app that's ever been made, but we're all addicted to it.
Jill, you are legitimately very good at Twitter. I'm looking at your Twitter right now.
Did you see this one? She's great. Excuse me, ma'am.
Do you know if this train stops at the courthouse in Arkansas and it's this old guy who's wearing a seersucker outfit? You just came up with that. That's actually a fire tweet.
Thank you. Great job on Twitter.
I watch a lot of old movies. Yeah, you're going to keep doing Twitter.
Do you have any worse Mount Rushmore's we could do? Did you have any ideas that sprung up during that? Actually, you kind of mentioned them today. Which ones? I kind of like the hat one.
I thought that was kind of, you know. Yeah, that was really bad but good.
and the the diseases are they yeah that would be a bad one that would be awful really bad um all right so you had twitter

you did twitter you learned twitter you are a great intern anything else before we do these

roasts we're doing a roast you want to roast us like you can oh yeah come on okay well can i just

say that again that i'm not mad but i am disappointed that the internship is over yep

Thank you. You'd like to.
Come on. Okay.
Well, can I just say that, again, that I'm not mad, but I am disappointed that the internship is over. Yep.
And I'm waiting for my, what, $75,000 check? Yes, per episode. Game check.
Yeah, it's a game check. Yep.
You know? It's on the way. Okay.
Yeah, you'll get it. By the way, 99.9% of that goes to your union dues, which is us.
Oh, that's right. I am.
Which is me. You know, which I will, what do you call it? Strike.
Oh, you'll strike. You'll put a big rat in front of the office? Absolutely.
I'll do whatever's needed. Okay.
But I want to also say that you do realize statistics show that when someone retires- Oh, my God. I don't know.
This is me. That they die.
Well, this is me. So I think you're kind of killing me.
You're going to Joe Paz? You're going to Joe Paz? Paterno. Bear Bryant.
Bear Bryant. I mean, come on.
Okay. It's only a matter of time.
You're not allowed to do any strenuous activity for the next week because I don't want to be liable for this Second we're leaving an open door So you can come in if you want to We're not retiring you We're not pushing you out the door So don't put that evil on me Jill I'll go the other way I think it would be a fucking power move If you just died right in our face in two weeks Okay I'll come in and die Just throw that out there yeah i'll just come in and die and make sure you break through a funeral pyre and then fuck you guys i think that's like a very you know yeah yeah that's a very funny last move to just be like fuck you guys why the internship uh you know and boom i'm dead you know it's hard to roast you guys though i mean come on we love you i have love you. I have to say one thing.
I have a lot of things to say, but one thing I don't know, half the things you ever talked about, I didn't understand. Fair.
Agreed. I was nervous doing my first times on the podcast.
I never had a microphone in my face before. That's fine.
But I really want to know what really is a car stick oh hank i pretended but i have no idea and nobody nobody has told me whatever you pretend it is probably exactly it's under the galaxy brain like qualification so it's understandable not many people in this world fully understand the capabilities of it but essentially it's a it's like a it's like a army knife, basically. There's so many things that you can do with it that it's almost limitless.
It's really like the human brain. We've only locked a small percentage of its uses.
As we invent more things, the car stick will become more useful to interact with those things. So really, it's just an investment in the future.
Have I sold you? How many can I put you down for? Let's get you in a position. Do you drive? I do drive.
Have you ever dropped your cell phone in between the seats and the center console? I have. And how hard was it to get that phone out of that spot? Borderline impossible, would you say? Actually, it was quite easy.
It was tough. No, okay.
It was tough. So to deal with that almost near impossibility, and a stick was invented, that helps you fish out your phone.
Yeah, right. Okay.
That's it. No, yeah, no, that is what it is.
Yep. Okay.
It's the car stick. It seemed like you don't believe me, but that's actually- I don't believe you.
No, that's it. That's what it is.
That is it. Well, thank you.
Not all of us are blessed to have such skinny arms and a toned physique as you, and we get our chunky little wrists caught in between the gear shift and the seat. So it's tough for many of us.
Well, I keep a back scratcher in my car. You have a car stick.
Yes. That is a car stick.
Pretty much. Yeah.
There you go. You're good to go.
Or the car stick can be the back scratcher. Yes.
Like I said, Swiss Army knife. It's everything.
All righty. Spatula.
Murder weapon. Yep.
Mini hockey stick. Mini hockey stick, which is really what it actually is.
Yeah. Flyswatter.
Yep. Ooh.
Carjack. What else is a car stick? Spoon.
Yep. It could definitely be a spoon.
Spoon. Or if you're stuck in an extremely tiny boat.
Splint. You need a splint.
Yes. If you broke your leg and you need a splint, you just tape the car stick to your leg.
This is blowing my mind. Uh-huh.
Yeah. That's pretty much it.
There's actually only like 50 left on sale in our warehouse, so if people want to buy them. I can't believe those didn't sell out.
No, they sold out. This is the probably fifth The rerun.
Oh, okay. Oh my.
Alright, Hank, let's end with some roasts. My one-stop shop for all Packers news.
Yep. Hey, spot the lie.
That wasn't funny. By the way, did you see Aaron Rodgers today? He was dressed up like the orderly.
Oh, my God, really? He looked exactly like him. He's so funny.
It was pretty funny because that movie just came out. I wonder if he'll stop doing practical jokes and actually listen to his coach for once.
Julian Edelman's chubby older brother, a greasy drug guy, and a bearded 14-year-old with a cat talk about the Bachelorette and sometimes sports. That's not true.
So I'm Julian Edelman's chubby older brother? That's not a bad spot. That is awesome.
I will. Sign me up.
Julian Edelman could put on 50 pounds and still be a man rocket. A fatso I'm willing to bet my net worth will be a terrible father.
Oh. Yes.
Yes, go off. A grungy hobbit with possibly no eyeballs.
Yep. And a vacation-addicted millennial that can't make one joke about the Utah Jazz.
You still owe us that joke. You still owe us that joke.
For every conspiracy theory imaginable. I mean, that one is pretty good.
That jazz joke is a brisket. Yeah.
You got gotta let it fucking cook in the oven. You put it in your green egg? Yeah.
You're just waiting for it to come out? Also, I'm not a hobbit because hobbits actually can grow body hair. Yeah, and he does have eyes.
They're just little moldy eyes. He's just really good to skull fuck.
And they make you want to puke. Yeah.
An Instagram model's boyfriend, Jesus' drug guy, and a recovering chonkaholic asked famous guests how much money they make. Okay.
Jesus' drug guy. Hell yeah.
I'd listen to that show. Jesus' drug guy.
Yeah, that's awesome. I can turn water into wine like that.
There's a lot of nice ones here. Great party trip.
Damn. Thanks, guys.
We appreciate that. This podcast has impacted my life for the better.
Constant laughs were for waitable guys you'd like to get a beer with. You actually may learn a thing or two in the process.

I'd probably order a Diet Coke,

but yeah.

I would drink his beer.

Actually, Diet Cherry Coke.

Yeah.

A cat guy, a wannabe cat guy.

I always do enjoy when we're out for beers,

though.

It's a power move when you order the Diet Coke.

Oh, I'm just like, yeah, Diet Coke,

maybe a little grenadine on top.

I'm not driving.

A cat guy, a wannabe cat guy that could use some Roman swipes

and a drug guy talk about life and sports-ish.

The most reliable journalist of the crew

is a dog that doesn't delete tweets.

Please boop.

Okay.

Okay, that was a good one.

Let's do two more.

Two pretty alright guys,

mostly funny some of the time

the one guy Hank needs H.H. for his brain.
I don't know why you're laughing. I know you don't because you need HGH for your brain.
You can't understand it. This is not helping your case, Hank.
Sad people. I'm just, there's so many nice ones.
It's like, give us one. End us with one nice one.
Produced by the least qualified person at the company, transgender Freddie Mercury, and Animal the Puppet simultaneously jerk off to their Twitter following. That's pretty good.
That's very accurate. All right, end with one nice one.
Okay. This is by Al is the Goat, July 18, 2019.
It says, great. Thank you, Al is the Goat.
Al is the Goat. Appreciate it, buddy.
You're the Goat. No, wait.
You are the Goat. You're the Goat for me.
Yeah. It says great.
Thank you, Al. Al's the goat.
You know you're the goat.

No, wait. You are

the goat. You're the goat for acknowledging

the goat. Alright, everyone have a safe, long

weekend. We'll be back on Tuesday.

Recap all college football and then

back again on Wednesday. Yep.
Thank a Labor Union

member for giving

you this weekend.

You're welcome. Love you guys.
Thank me.

Thank you, Big Cat. You're welcome.
Thank you, Hank. You're welcome.
Thank you, Bubba. You're welcome.
Love you guys. Thank me.
Thank you, Big Cat. You're welcome.

Thank you, Hank.

You're welcome.

Thank you, Bubba.

You're welcome.

You're welcome.

Love you guys.

Don't make fun of my voice.

Bye. Today's another day to find me shying away.

I'll be coming for your love again.

Take on me.

Take me on.

I'll be coming.

I'll be coming. Cause I, cause I am I'm gonna believe you do what you do When you want me instead of you Cause I, I am

Still on beat

Showing up to the streets

Come on, you know me

Cause that's who I am