Topher Grace, Jared Goff With Some Emergency News, Mt Rushmore Of Ages

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I mean, where else can you pair wall-to-wall hoops with hard-to-find whiskey? Only at Twin Peaks, the number one sports bar. On today's part in my take, we have Topher Grace in studio.
The guy who got me out of jury duty all that time ago. That 70s show, Black Mirror, Black Klansman.
I watched Black Klansman. I liked it.
Yeah, it's a really good show, right? When we talk in the interview, I didn't see any of the things he'd been in, but he's very good. Him playing David Duke was kind of chilling.
Yeah, so interesting convo with him. He's a fan, so it was a fun interview.
We also have Firefest of the Week, Mount Rushmore of Ages, and some license to Jill. Jilly Football has finally come back home.
She's gone for a month, and she just showed up one day day so we have her back on the show. She's like a cat finding her way back to the old barn.
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Okay, let's go. We'll be it higher.
Oh, we're gonna rock down to Electric Avenue. Part of My Take, presented by Barstool Sports.
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$5 for dollars the aspca today is friday august 16th i think mike glennon is the starting quarterback for the oakland raiders mike glennon looks good but now what are your horses big cat because we haven't seen nate peterman true he's yet to get in so we're watching it the game's on we're going to get a little treat for ourselves buried in the second half of the show. The Nate Peterman factor is coming out.
But, yeah, Glennon looked good. Derek Carr looked good.
Kyler Murray looked pretty bad. Wow.
Three for eight. You know what, though? Spin zone.
Kyler Murray, three for eight, 12 yards. Guess what? The quarterback that you replaced, that's a great stat line for him, Josh Rosen.
That is perfect, Josh Rosen. You're just – the torch has been passed.
So we're ready to declare after this first half maybe Kyler Murray's a bust. Bust.
After watching this, the question has to be asked, is he maybe too tall? Because he was a lot better when he was 5'9". Now he's – yeah.
Now he's 5'10". 11, 10.
He turned his back on our community. I did notice that Cliff Kingsbury is standing next to him a lot on the sidelines.
I think that's just a selfish play by Cliff to try to look tall. Look swaggy for his Tinder profile pic.
My favorite part about preseason is it is preseason for our knee-jerk reactions. Because I feel like I'm getting back in the flow.
I said Mike Glennon was the worst quarterback ever uh-huh now um I'm wondering if Mike Glennon is the future for the Oakland Raiders or if the Bears should trade for him and Kyler Murray is an absolute bust and the Falcons I don't like their offensive line boom I said it Jets are gonna win the Super Bowl Jets look great there's all my hot takes all the Jets have an awesome color scheme this year they looked good kind of Oregonish yeah anytime a team plays color green, it takes half a second off their 40 time. That's just a fact.
I didn't make that up. Oh, and the Packers stink.
And Aaron Rodgers and Matt LaFleur don't like each other. Okay, also every Bengals.
So much so Aaron Rodgers didn't even play tonight. That's right, yeah.
Interesting. Trouble in paradise.
He sat out. With a stiff back.
Interesting. Because he claims he's been carrying the team the last six years.
Yes. But wait,

what year was Glennon drafted?

Is he getting the six-year bump? Oh,

shit. I feel like the six-year bump

and the seven-year itch are two

sides of the same STD coin. I think

Mike Glennon was drafted

in 2013.

Someone do the math.

But then it's like

2000. But then is it the 2013? It counts as one, but there was no year zero because there's no year zero.
15, 16, 17. This is the seven.
This is a seven year itch for him. Good thing.
I got six year bump car, seven year itch. Mike Lennon.
Yes. So, yeah, we're just going to overreact to all of the preseason games.
Preseason week two starting to look like some of the play you know like some of the starters stay in for more than just yeah a series it feels like football it's like creeping back slowly creeping back I did notice watching the Bengals R words game that every single Bengals quarterback looks like Andy Dalton when they're on the field yes he's just been there so long and I think the red red hair, orange helmet thing kind of contributes to it a little bit. It doesn't matter.
If you're a white quarterback that's out there, you look like Andy Dalton. It's like the Giants wide receivers.
I always think every single one of them is still a Monty Toomer. Yeah, and Plaxico Burris too.
They have two kinds. If they have a tall guy, he's Plaxico.
If they have like a six foot one guy, he's Toomer. I agree with that.
So yeah, preseason week two. I don't know.
The only other NFL news we had was Todd Gurley got a cat. Finally.
Finally. Fucking Todd.
So. Todd finally took the time to text into the cash app, reached out to the ASPCA, got his little fucking cat.
Cute cat, by the way. It is.
Bow tie. That's fucking funny.
And he does like a little voice for the cat for the cat too that's cute but i will say that acquiring a cat is the first step towards retirement yeah you don't get a cat unless you're thinking about retiring second cat is he's retired absolutely because then you're like i got all this time and i need another cat i got two cats to conversate with third cat you're never getting married and you're just gonna live rest of your life. You're just a cat person and you're committed to that lifestyle.

Cat guy.

So, with Todd Gurley getting a cat, the most famous person who is going to get a cat but

has yet to get a cat now is Henry Lockwood.

Well, no, I don't have to get a cat at all.

Todd Gurley was a man of his word, much like I would have been if Duke had lost the bet,

which I made, which they won.

But did seeing Todd Gurley get a cat?

Did they win the championship?

They did not lose before the Elite Eight. But they did in the did they lose in the Elite Eight yeah not by 20 did did seeing Todd with that cat just like the biggest smile on his face did that make you be like you know what I could picture myself I I was ready to get a cat trust me I like I have accepted it if it if I had made the bet and lost I would have got a cat I'm a man of my word I'm a man of honor.
All I'm saying is the world is waiting for Todd Gurley to get a cat, and now that that's happened, the world is waiting for LeBron Lockwood. Yep.
We need LeBron. Bronny Bronny.
Would you feed LeBron Taco Tuesday? No. Would you let LeBron get an Instagram? Every day is Taco Day in the Lockwood household.
Taco Tuesday has been canceled, dude. Yeah, you can't do that.
You cannot do that. LeBron, he was extra with his Taco Tuesday this week.
It was offensive. It's too much.
I can't watch it. I had to delete Instagram.
So, yeah, that's basically what's going on on the NFL front. That's it.
The other thing I noticed was I always love the preseason announcing crews because they're always from one of the teams you know so you get like uh andrew siciliano usually does a game and they're always wearing the team polo shirts and they're looking like they're like the uh like a catering team for the the owner's funeral or something yes yes they're out for like a golf outing or something yeah they're ready to go oh boogers out there all right so hopefully we get nathan peterman we're gonna get some nady peterman man also uh training camp fights are big time back in all the nfl this is right when teams are ready to go because i you know either camp's about to break or just broke kyle long recurring guest friend of the program who we have his back no matter what he took a helmet off and started bashing someone so and then that's fair totally. With the helmet? Yeah, we think that's a cool move.
That's what, yeah. Anyone else? That is the Kyle Long hat trick right there.
Wrong. But Kyle, dude, that probably looked really sweet.
It did, yeah. And then Mike Vrabel got into the middle of a fight, I think, against the Patriots.
So Mike Vrabel was obviously just trying to instigate a fight so he could get in there and break it up. I mean, we've told this story, but when we saw Coach Rabel at the Combine two years ago, he came up to us and he slapped my back so hard that I think I swallowed my own tongue.
So I think he just, like, when he gets to the facility every morning, he's just coming up to guys and like, let's go, and just smacking guys's the human body's contact is mike it is yeah and he's always rocking that that sweater vest thing which makes him look even more jacked than he is yeah he's intimidated i think he just won he was challenging bill belichick to step in and break up the fight too trying to do just like an alpha off could you imagine no belichick would kill him mike vrabel mike Yes. Okay, Mike.
It's like a master always beats the sensei type deal. Hold on.
Mike Vrabel versus Bill Belichick. Steel cage match.
Ernie Adams on Bill Belichick's side. He has a knife.
I was going to say Ernie Adams poisons Vrabel's food before. But who wins? Ernie Adams.
Ernie Adams with a knife. You know what? Bill Belichick's the type of guy that has like one move that he like hits your neck and you just die yeah the kill Bill yeah yeah five finger point or whatever it is yeah he's the old kung fu master that can still

catch a fly with chopsticks and the young guy that's all jacked up can't do it I yeah I would

agree with that I also think that if Ernie Adams was involved he would know about a food allergy

that Mike Vrabel didn't even know that he had yet true and he'd like shake his hand with some

peanut dust on it here's his weakness yeah yeah that's true okay so that would be a match

Let's true. Okay.
So that would be a match. Bring back Celebrity Deathmatch.
Yes, please. All right.
Before we do. Oh, no.
We have to talk a little. We actually have two more things we're going to do before we get to our Fyre Fest.
First, thoughts and prayers to Boogie Cousins. Actually sucks.
That does suck. Like, I actually feel bad for Boogie Cousins.
Tore his ACL. He is the flip side of...
We always love when a guy bets on himself. He's the flip side of that because not only did he take a one-year contract with the Warriors, they didn't win a ring.
He then takes another one-year contract with the Lakers, tears his ACL. He could have probably made a ton of money if he doesn't tear his Achilles with the Pelicans two years ago.
So that sucks. It does suck.
It's tough because Boogie's a pretty likable guy. Yeah.
I like him. He plays with a lot of passion.
He's got a big ass. He's got a bad attitude sometimes, but that's fine.
I like a guy with a bad attitude. I'm trying to figure out a way, and maybe you guys can help me out with this.
It's got to be LeBron's fault somehow. Got to be.
I'm trying to think how it possibly could be LeBron's fault. Maybe it's all the chalk that he throws around.
Maybe it created a slippery floor environment. That's true.
Were they on the same floor? Yeah. I have to assume that they were.
You have to. It was in practice.
But... Well, LeBron's shooting his movie.
I don't think he even shows up to practice. Oh, so maybe...
Okay, so Boogie not having good competition against him made him kind of let his guard down a little bit. He landed that plane.
Did you guys see, too, that LeBron needs a body double for the basketball scenes in Space Jam? Really? Did he show his dick? Because, yeah, he definitely needs a stunt cop. He did do that.
People forget that LeBron showed his dick for the whole country. Not as impressive as one might think.
The good news, though. Still like nine times bigger than mine.
The good news, small dicks are back. Oh, that's true.
Small dicks are back. Small dicks are back.
Shout out to me and all the other small dick guys. Dad bods and small dicks.
It's our decade. Why? What do you mean? Why? Vice decided it.
Vice said, yeah, come on. Generation Z declared small.
Some writer with a small dick at Vice determined to write a think piece about why small dicks are actually good. That's all you need, though.
That's all you need. Hey, less distance for the sperm to travel.

Big dicks are such a show-off move.

You get hurt.

All kinds of things that go wrong.

Yeah.

People with big dicks die earlier, too. Yeah, you can get them trapped in the end of an escalator.

You can trip on itself.

Uh-huh.

When you're going fishing, you could get it caught by accident.

You could be in porn and just get paid a lot of money to just be in porn. Not actually.
There's actually not a lot of money that's porn. That's true.
You could break your hand by getting too many high fives from people in the locker room. Yeah, exactly.
It sucks. Yeah, if you have a big dick, you have to be the big dick joke guy.
That's a lot of pressure. Yeah, absolutely.
That's a lot of pressure. So, the good news, the silver lining of Boogie's injury roster spot for mellow yep roster spot for mellow and at this point i think mellow is probably the same size as boogie so uh-huh you don't just play him in at center yeah you could you could stretch center stretch five what about gilbert arenas no one's tossed that name out i know he lives in la i wonder why no one's no one's really thought about agent zero in a while um but seriously mellow mellow come on do it mellow just fucking do it do it for the people uh the other news we had conor mcgregor punched a guy but not in an octagon again and it was an old guy yeah he was probably like 70 years old he didn't want to drink conor mcgregor's whiskey so mcgregor went into this bar i presume it's in ireland yeah it like an Irish move.
Yep. And he put down a bar.
Yeah. Drinking in a bar.
Excuse me. A total Irish move pub.
And he put down a cup in front of like five people to give them a shot of whiskey. The old man pushed it away.
He put another cup in front of the old man pushed it away again. And then Connor hit him with a left hook.
And the dude just chewed it and just sat there and kept going on with his day. Connor's got no power.
No power anymore. No power.
It's good advertising for proper 12, though, because it's like if you don't drink this whiskey, Conor McGregor might knock you out. He might show up and punch you in the face.
That's as good an excuse as any to drink proper 12. Actually, if they want it, if Conor wants to get out of this, they just need to make that a viral ad.
He just goes around to bars and punches people and be like, look, it was all part. We were filming an ad.
Yeah. Sorry.
We forgot to get a release from this guy. Yeah.
Our bad. Every time you go into a bar and you order Jameson, you're putting your life in jeopardy.
That's actually a good strategy. Or maybe, maybe he could spin it.
Like, uh, the guy called him Chris. And that's, that's like saying the N word in Ireland.
Yes. And so you're allowed to fight somebody after that.
The crazy part about Conor McGregor, I feel like everything, every bad news that comes out about him happened three months ago. So this happened in April.
Conor McGregor must just be like, what do you got on your schedule, Conor? Oh, well, this video is probably going to come out. This news is going to come out.
I did this back in October, so that's got to come out. Yeah, he's got a calendar of scandals that are going to make the press.
You know what he must do? Think about this right now. The next Conor McGregor story that breaks that's a scandal has already happened.
Yeah, it's probably happening right now as we speak. No, that's December's scandal.
Conor, don't do it. I'm trying to help you out right now.
If you're listening, go home. Stay by yourself.
Yeah, he's got a full schedule ahead of him for sure.

Connor, I don't know.

I don't know what he's up to.

Just like if he's not fighting somebody, if he's not actively engaged in a boxing match

or the lead up to a boxing match.

And that noise that you hear right now.

Here we go.

Is another fire truck.

And Pete said that these windows will be fixed by when?

By today?

Today.

Guess what?

They didn't get fixed.

You know what I'm going to do?

I'm going to fucking...

I'm so mad, I'm going to give Pete 100 Madden codes.

All Business Pete tweeted them.

Oh, shit.

Actually, I saw somebody tweeted them today,

but didn't have a message.

It was just,

at All Business Pete.

Just do that.

No message.

Yes.

At all.

Just at All business Pete tweet.

Or just press enter a bunch of times and write one letter.

Yeah.

Yeah.

Fill up his fucking timeline.

Yeah.

Yeah.

Yeah.

Like just dot, dot, dot, dot all the way down.

So he can't.

Yes.

Do that.

We will retweet that if you do that.

Yes.

So what was my train of thought?

Oh, yeah.

It was if Conor McGregor doesn't have a real fight that he's training for,

if he's not going to box somebody or he's not going to have a UFC fight,

he just he can't go out places.

Thank you. do that.
Yes. What was my train of thought? Oh, yeah.
It was if Conor McGregor doesn't have a real fight that he's training for, if he's not going to box somebody or he's not going to have a UFC fight, he just he can't go out places because he's got all that aggression that he has to get out. He just needs to stay home.
Yes. Put him in a padded cell.
Stay home and just chill out. Make sure the guards check on him all the time though.
All the time. All the time.
All right. Let's get to our fire fest before we do that.
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You can watch every single interview we do, every single episode we do.

You can watch it right now on Barstoolgold.com slash PMT.

FireFest of the week.

Hank, start.

Go ahead, Hank.

Okay.

So as I've talked about in some of my past FireFests, I moved a couple weeks ago.

But before I moved, I dropped off a huge bag of laundry at the laundromat down the street from my house. And I haven't got around to picking it up yet, but it's got, you know, it's like my a list of, of clothes.
It's like my, and so I've been in my new apartment, like just putting together outfits like, fuck, I need to get that, that bag, that big bag. Yesterday I had some time.
It was like nine o'clock. The place I thought closed at 11.
So like fuck it got on the train probably took me 45 minutes i got there every the hours of operation for this laundromat are sunday monday tuesday thursday friday saturday 11 to 11 and on wednesday it's open 11 till 7 p.m and it took and so it's just like i've wasted like two hours for no reason reason. And now it's like am I going to go back this weekend? Probably not.
Am I going to go next week? Hopefully. But it's like that that bag of clothes it could just be gone.
At what point do they just get to keep it? It's getting close. It's been like two and a half weeks.
Yeah. They got to they got to start auctioning that stuff off.
I feel like it's theirs right now. Yes.
They absolutely have it. Was there anything really great that you needed? Yeah, well, it's like...
You don't have, like, expensive clothes. No, but I mean, you know the...
I mean, Big Cat, you wear five shirts every single day. Whoa, whoa, whoa! Imagine if you dropped off...
Whoa, I just said you didn't have expensive... Whoa! That was really uncalled for.
I'm just saying, you know how... Damn! It doesn't matter about expense.
It's about clothes you like. There are a bunch of shirts that Hank has from Hank has from colleges that he's never been to.
You could have just said that. I've been to a lot of colleges, BFD.
You got your t-shirts? You have a very random assortment of college shirts. I've been to a random assortment of colleges.
Yes, you have, which is like you've been everywhere, man. So what's the solution? You're just going to, I think you need to.
I mean, probably next week, maybe, but it's like. Realistically, am am i gonna spend two hours on the weekend to take the train back to brooklyn whatever like maybe can you just hire somebody yeah have someone go get them someone slide into hank's dm's we'll get his clothes that that seems get the guy from silicon valley to go over there and be like hey i'm hank lockwood you have my clothes do it come on someone someone will help you out um my other Fyre Fest of the Week, all of this is kind of like, I feel like it's kind of basic complaining about this, but there's been no snacks at this office all week.

What has been going on with that?

They're upstairs.

They're hoarding them upstairs.

Really?

The business people.

Yeah.

Damn.

Sometimes it's like, if there's no snacks one day, you're like, all right, next day

it's going to be stacked.

Yeah.

And every single day this week, I've been like, what the fuck?

That's what's going on. It's upstairs.
They've got like a little squirrel's nest up there that they hide them under fuck damn we need more snacks um breaking moves breaking moves all right i just got a text i got a text from jared goff we have to call him right now. We have to call him right now.
This Breaking Moves is brought to you by Chalk and Milk for Real Recovery. That tastes real good.
What's up? Okay, we have some breaking news. We have our special LA Rams insider, the best reporter in the building.
It is Jared Goff. Jared, what did Blake shaved his head shaved shaved so not just not just cut how short is it it's it's it's like baby peach fuzz right now oh my god what he looks like he looks like a young Jason Statham oh I like that's great spin zone.
That's a great look for him. What? The Transporter.
It is. I think he was getting a little hard time from some of the guys yesterday and took it upon himself to get rid of it.
I love that shit. He's like if the Transporter didn't actually drive his own car.
Yeah. He just had automatic going for it.
What? Now, Jared, how much of... He looks great.
He looks great. I'm sure he looks looks he listen we gave him a hard time we love blake he always looks great he's a great looking guy looks great but how much do you think that promo uh on whenever your game was saturday night played into it where he had to do a ball flipping promo without a hat on and And everyone was like, ooh.
You know, I won't speak for Blake there, but there's been some talk around the building almost every day about it. And now did he give you a warning or did he do it in the building or did he just show up one day, boom, Blake has shaped his head? He sent us a picture last night, just bald.
Oh, my God. We have to see that picture.
Yeah, you're going to have to text me that picture. Can you share that? You're going to have to text me that picture.
I feel like I shouldn't be doing this. This should be Blake.
I feel like I've been coerced into this. Blake should be breaking this news.
He'll send you the picture, I'm sure. Well, all right, so we should explain the reason why we're talking to Jared and not Blake.
Blake is currently on a plane to Hawaii for the Rams preseason game. I texted Blake.
He responded on the plane, and he just responded with a Joe Rogan gif when I said Blake, question mark, and it was just the Joe Rogan gif with his shaved head. I mean, this is the biggest news I think that's ever happened.
Yeah, huge NFL news. Well, I'm glad to be the one breaking it, but I thinkake has a lot more information on this than i would but he does look like joe rogan okay okay do you know what he did with his hair did he donate it to locks of love it was not much still uh yeah you know i don't know how much that would have done he should you know what he could have donated to somebody like me who's faceballed we'd make great facial hair you put on your on your cheek so it'll look good yeah yeah damn it might not it's really not much okay but still this is a huge news and i mean we're going to try to get blake on maybe early next week because he's on the plane but uh what would you say zero to ten how would you rate him now as a as a good looking dude he's a he's of 10 bald guy right now.
Yeah. Oh, you said the B word, too.
So it's official. You think he's going to Bic at any point coming up? Again, this is some big news for me to be the one breaking.
I don't want to put any words in his mouth because it can still grow back. But he is down to a shred right now.
Is he going to grow the stubble? because that's a good look with a stubble and then the shaved head yeah it looks great i'm telling you it looks really good oh man damn all right well how's camp going i guess we should ask you one question camp's been great all right okay great sounds sounds great did you watch yourself on hard knocks no oh well remember jared hasn luck on Hard Knocks, so that's the whole sun thing. I'm not too fond of Hard Knocks.
You've got PTSD. Post-traumatic sunrise disorder.
Oh, man. That's enough for me.
Yeah. All right, Jared.
Thanks so much. Breaking news from our LA Ram insider.
Appreciate it, man. Thanks, Jared.
No problem, guys. All right.
See ya. Okay, that was some crazy breaking news.
I bet Blake looks awesome. I mean, you have to get a glow up if you're going to Hawaii in the first place.
I'm happy for him. Legitimately happy for him.
You know what? Be comfortable in your own skin, Blake. Yes.
And this has been a long time coming. And it really has.
So I can't wait. Hopefully we'll get him on next week.
We'll do maybe a Wikipedia of baldness. Yep.
And just figure it out. Love that.
This is a new. Well, he's embraced it.
As Scott Van Pelt says, he went home. He came home.
Yes. PFT, what is your fire fest? My fire fest of the week is the fact that it is fantasy football season.
And that means that I am stuck in quite the text thread of everybody else in my league oh yeah and not only are is everybody just like replying with small little jokes but they're also huge on the emphasizing things the laughing at things those extra buttons okay serve no extra purpose and i i fucking hate those extra buttons because they fill up my phone notifications and i would rather be using a samsung galaxy on an airplane than have to look at one more of those fucking things all right so let's let's let's talk about these notifications because i think everyone does them or everyone's in a text group that has people doing the haha the heart the yes exclamation point i agree with you they're annoying but they also do serve a purpose when you just don't want to say anything yeah like if you're on a group text and someone sends a picture and you're like, I don't want to say anything, but I want everyone to know that I've acknowledged this and I'm not being rude, I'll throw an exclamation. I'll throw a heart.
They're great for the person that's using them, and they're awful for everybody else, especially if it's on a group thread. Right.
Yeah, it's tough. It's draining my battery.
It's buzzing my pocket absolutely nonstop with them. I don't want to say that the person who invented that should die, but the person that invented it should have to go live in Brazil for the rest of their lives.
Okay, got it, got it. When did that come? That's new, though.
But Steve Jobs probably still invented it. Yeah, he invented it from his lair in Brasilia.
Yeah, it's something that's been... In the rainforest.
It was in his brain for a really long time. My other fire fest of the week is Leroy has diarrhea.
Oh, shit. Yeah.
I had... And he's not always making it all the way outside.
So, that sucks. Yeah.
I had a similar situation on Saturday night. You had diarrhea? No.
And you didn't make it outside? My son slept through the night for the first time ever. Of course, Stella had diarrhea.
I was up every single hour. That night? Yeah, she knew.
It was perfect. The worlds collided.
It was the perfect night. Stella was like, I need some attention at this point, so I'm just going to crap on the floor.
That'll make Dad come out and play with me for a second. It sucked.
It sucked. It's always tough when your dog's got the squirts.
I actually think SpendZone for Leroy,

he got scoop wrong earlier this week.

He's doing that

to try to deflect

from the fact that

he missed a scoop.

Because he can't be mad

at somebody.

He knows the ultimate excuse.

He's literally sick

to his stomach

for getting something wrong.

Exactly, yeah.

That's a great dog.

He's committed.

Alright, my fire fest is

I lost in the AFC Championship game

in my Madden

face of the franchise.

That sucks.

Yeah.

That sucks. Rookie year though, right? The AFC face of the franchise.
That sucks. Yeah, that sucks.

Rookie year, though, right?

The AFC Eagles of Madden.

I got drafted by the Broncos.

John Elway loved my size.

And I lost to the Browns, who had a home playoff game, AFC Championship.

They were 14-2.

I usually reset, but I played so poorly I was disgusted with myself.

I didn't reset the console. I just ate that loss, knowing that the second year will be even sweeter when I hit that.
I'm going to demand a trade first. But wherever I land, I'm going to win the Super Bowl with that team.
I love that feature. You get on the local sports talk radio in Madden and then you complain about something.
Yes. And then you demand a trade.
It's so nice to simulate that. I'm definitely going to do that.
How many minute quarters do you do for that? Six. Really? Yeah.
And I should say the first round I did reset the the xbox twice when i was down to the colts couldn't lose the colts first round no you can't no absolutely had to had to cheat my way to the afc you have to give something to build on that right and you you learn more from a loss than you do for a win right and so you'll be you'll be great next season uh i you know just put put in the work this offseason yeah you the world has not heard the last of clyde titanius that's my guy's okay yeah you might want to change that well i mean it's a pretty good name clyde titanus it's with a k some would beg to differ why uh by the way landry jones was in the news this week and landry jones is such a sick quarterback name he is he is he's he's xfl right yeah him and colt mccoy when those two were playing against each other in college, it's like those are two fucking quarterbacks right there. Yes, I agree.
All right, let's do our Mount Rushmore before we do that. When your home system or appliance breaks down, American Home Shield will help fix or replace the covered item, no matter its age.
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Okay, let's do our Mount Rushmore. We're doing Mount Rushmore of ages.
Who's up first? Oh, I am. This is Big Cat, yeah.
I am. And then I'm second, right? Yep.
Okay, cool. You ready? Yeah.
Okay. I'll start with 21.
21, you can drink. Everyone's excited.
Everyone had a fake idea in college, but when you turn 21, that first time you walk in the bar and you're like, yep, that's really me, there's no thrill like that. It's pretty sick.
Yeah, I like 21. I'm going to go with 18.
Because 18, you're graduating from high school. Yeah.
You probably have a fake ID, or at the very least, you have somebody in your friend group that has a fake ID. Correct.
And I would actually say that buying alcohol underage is more thrilling than buying alcohol when you're 21. Shoulder tapping? No.
Sure. No.
But hold on. Hold on.
It just hits different when you're under 21. I agree with you.
The first month, though, when you're actually 21 is like thrilling to walk around and just buy shit and be like, yes. Like you want people to card you.
Yeah. You know that feeling when you're like, yo, card me.
Do it. Ask me.
Okay. Dare me.
Counterpoint, when you're 18, you still have turning 21 to look forward to. That's still an exciting thing in your future.
All right, Hank, you got two. I'm going to go with 19 for the first one.
Probably been through a year of college. You're like, you're drinking a lot.
You're having fun with your friends. You're comfortable.
It's not like, you know, freshman year awkwardness or whatever. You're winning the World Cup for France.
And you can go as hard as you want. Or losing games for the Celtics.
Yeah. And if you fuck up, anyone can fuck up at 19, and you can have a second chance.
You can fuck them, and be like, oh, well, he was 19. So we can get past that.
So you basically have a get-out-of-jail-free card. What age would you say you can fuck up and be like, well, still a kid i think that stops 32 uh 34 hopefully okay all right i mean i use that all the time it's like i'm just a little 40 baby birthday boy yeah like hey i'm just a kid uh-huh i haven't learned probably the the worst age i think blink 182 got it right 23 yeah you're out of college but you should have had a job for like a year and a half right you can't can't use youth as an excuse anymore.
It's true. All right, Hank, your second age.
12. Ooh.
You're young. Good one.
Your body and your mind are still pure. All you care about is like sports.
You're not worried about girls or drama. You don't really know what's going on in the world.
You just care about like the sports that you play. Well, obviously, I mean, you care about girls, but it's not like, I don't know.
You're not getting laid when you're 12. Unless you're a PFT, you're not getting laid when you're 12.
I didn't say anything about that. I actually had this written down, too, because it's also the year that you're the oldest kid in Little League.
Yes. That's a great year.
There was actually a year when I was 12 for whatever reason. Like, the cutoff was in September.
And then whatever reason, when I was 12, they moved the cutoff back to May. So I had a year when I was 13 on the Little Diamond and I was like the same size dimensions as I was oh you fucker it was the greatest year of my life it's great that's that's like three perfect games I had like 20 runs and then my fucking dad wouldn't let me play summer league like go to Williamsport because he said it was unfair what yes otherwise you would have won the Little League.
Probably. You should have told us this when your dad was here.

Yeah.

I mean, I just remembered it.

We would have beaten him up.

That's messed up.

We would have fought him.

I'm still bitter about it.

I am too now.

I don't like that at all.

I'm also first-time bitter.

I'll show you my team picture, Tolares.

I'm literally six feet tall.

You're Andy Reid.

Yeah.

Worst age, 34, when I found out that Hank could have gone to Williamsport.

Yeah.

Jesus.

Come on, Hank.

Fuck.

That would have been so sick.

All right.

Also, when you're 12, you don't know that you're short yet. You still think like, hey, I'm kind of average size.
Maybe my growth spurt's coming. Yeah.
Not relatable. It's very relatable.
Everybody will say it's relatable. My next, I'm going to go eight.
Oh. Eight.
When you're eight, you love cartoons. Yeah.
You're on all the time. There's a special channel that you can just turn to, watch cartoons.
You think you know everything about every sport that you're watching. Everything's exciting when you're eight.
Every single little thing that you see is new. It's fun.
You have zero responsibility. And I mean zero responsibility.
You can still get away with pooping yourself if you have to every now and again. Like once a year.
It's not a big deal if you poop yourself when you're eight. Well, no, actually, I think that's, I actually agree with Hank.
I don't think you can poop yourself when you're eight. That's right when kids start remembering.
Not intentionally. And you can get a nickname that will stick forever.
You still think that's sick. You can't poop yourself from like six to 22.
Yeah, I definitely pooped myself at least once when I was six. Yeah, of course.
But I'm saying once you, maybe seven. That's like third grade.
Yeah. Once you get to where kids can remember and give nicknames, you can't risk that.

Recess kicks ass.

Dude, eight pooping yourself.

Yeah, that's PFT.

I like it.

I like it.

That was a bad year for you.

I like the age of eight.

I'm not saying I poop myself.

I'm so you're definitely not.

If you had poop yourself on the playground underneath the monkey bars.

Yeah.

This is winter's class.

All right.

I'll go with 25. Peak strength.
That is the human body is at your peak strength. You are a couple years out of college, but you're still young.
Is that scientific? Yes, it's scientific fact. We were in your 25.
That's why BYU always fucking wins games. They stink, but they're all 25.
I can't tell you. I thought it was because they were warm and men.
Dead serious. 25 is your peak strength, and you're a few years...
Hank, look it up. It is.
I trust you. Swear to God.
You're a few years out of college. You probably have a little bit of a secure income, but you're also young enough where you can still be a fuckhead all the time.
Still a little bit of half-brain situation. And you can rent a beach house.
Yes. And a car.

And a car.

And a car.

That's a huge moment. Get that convertible.

That's a huge moment.

All right.

I'll go for my third.

I'll go with 10 because it's awesome when you can do both hands and you're just like,

boom, 10.

I'm this many.

I'm this many.

I'm this many.

Five and five, baby.

That's huge.

And you also just feel like that's a big moment when you go from nine to 10.

Yeah.

Like, all right, cool.

Two candles on the cake. Yeah.
Two candles. You you can start you know usually you can uh maybe go on

the 10 foot hoop that kind of stuff you kind of graduate to like playing some real sports like

organized sports literally more t-ball little league becomes real all those things are fun

but you still have that youthful you know energy and play t-ball when you were nine hank

yikes you ever think about when you were like a kid there's coach pitch looking back

Thank you. Still have that youthful energy.
Did you play T-ball when you were nine, Hank? Yikes. You ever think about when you were a kid? It was coach pitch.
Looking back. 10 and 11.
Or no. 11, 12.
Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah. But 10 is right when you're starting to get serious.
The kids are pitching. Eight, nine.
Kids are pitching when you're 10. Yeah.
When you think about being a little kid, being a little kid is basically just being on acid. Because you just walk around and everything is cool imagination.
is cool imagination exactly yeah all is life even better when you're eight yeah yeah oh but when you're 10 that is the first taste you get in life at looking down on people probably riding a bike with no training wheels yeah you might be going to a camp maybe probably not sleep away camp but maybe if you're kind of a badass you know if you prove you can handle it right do your chores you cannot cry for a week straight. Right.
You still believe in Santa? Yeah. By the way, it's real.
Santa's real if your kids are in the car. Yeah, you're right in that good spot.
All right, PFT, your last one. My last one, I'm going to go with 70.
Good one. Getting nice and old, but it's right at that point.
Is that when the APR hits or whatever? I think that's 65. 65.
Yeah. So actually, I'm going to go back to 65.
Thanks, Hank. My hand wasn't off the piece yet.
So yeah, when you're 65, you get the retirement benefits hitting. You're in the golden age of your life, hopefully retired.
And it's your first taste of just like not giving a fuck anymore. Okay.
Your kids might be out of the house. Okay.
Yeah. Pretty good.
Just go golf all day. Yeah.
You don't like golf. you think you're gonna start liking golf i think i'm gonna have to i think those are the rules like i'm gonna be lonely if i don't play golf i don't think i'm ever gonna like golf i'm probably not gonna get to 65 but that's fine uh hank your last two last two i will go with 23 which is the worst stage which is already according to already said our And us.
Yeah, but I don't think so. Okay, great.
Go off. And I'm going to go with four.
Four. Four.
It's the last year before you're stuck going to school every single day of your life. You're just playing all day, every day.
It's not really school, though. Yes, it is.
It's a whole more school. Yes, it is, dude.
The monotony of waking up five days a week and having to deal with teachers and structured classrooms, it's not great for everyone. I feel like school is...
When you're four, all you have to do is play games, watch Teletubbies, and just chill. You get a snack.
Yeah. Yeah, it's great.
Yeah, I agree with Hank. I think that that is your last year of complete and total freedom in your life, is when you're four.
Correct. Peterman, by the way, just got a nice first down.
Of course he did. Beautiful first down.
All right, Pete, do your last pick. My last pick is going to be...
So you already took... I'm going to go 34.
Oh. I feel pretty good right now.
Our age. Everything's great.
Everything's gooch when you're 34 for me. Okay.
Except for the minor missteps like your dog having diarrhea. Yes, that does suck.
In my weekly fire fast. Sorry for you.
And you lose money gambling on sports. And then there's like six months where there's no football on tv and you get upset about that besides that being 34 is fucking awesome it is awesome um okay my last pick if you're 23 like you're independent like you probably had to move home or you're still on the 23 thing like you still on most people moved home had to move home after college and like then they're but you don't have any money then you can go out on your own but that's you're fun.
It's like you're out living on your own. You're experiencing life in a new way.
Yeah. Also, Hank – It's your first taste of adulthood.
Hank, your 23 experience is vastly different from – No, I'm trying to talk from the most of the normal – Like people that I'm thinking of from a college person's perspective. My last pick, I'm going to go with 100 because if you get to 100, people fucking like think you walk on water.
They think you're Jesus. They're like, this is incredible.
You are 100 years old. Everyone throws you fucking parties.
You probably get in your local newspaper. Guy turns 100.
And men don't usually turn 100, especially tall guys like myself. So 100 would be pretty awesome.
It might live to be 100 anyways. And if you're 100, people will just laugh at everything you say no matter what.
Yeah, it's a joke because they're like, we got to. He's alive.
Right. You should.
We should start a podcast with somebody that's 100 because everybody would have to laugh at any single word. Seriously, if you've ever been around someone who's 100, everyone's just in awe that they're alive.
And they're just like, this is so sick that you're still here. And like, oh, my God, what was it like 100 years ago? Yeah.
Do you remember the Titanic? They guess that you have all these nice secrets and stories. And like, hey, what's the trick to learning to be 100? And then you always get that one old person on the news that's like bourbon and chocolate.
Yeah. I drink vodka every day.
That's like a week's worth of content for the local news right there. You can go viral at 100 for just existing.
Yeah. That's pretty sweet.
Just opening your mouth. And probably someone wipes your ass.

You can shit yourself.

Yeah.

All the time.

You probably don't have to walk everywhere.

Somebody pushes you around.

Yeah.

Do we miss any? I was going to throw in Jurassic Age, but I thought that was cheating.

Yeah.

You know, I thought about doing something like the Bronze Age.

Yeah.

But that was cheating.

The Ice Age.

I actually think 30 is awesome, too, because you become young again.

The Ice.

You dread 29, and then when you turn 30, you're like, you know what?

It's not that bad.

I was the same way.

When I was 29, I spent my whole year being like, fuck, I'm almost 30, almost old.

By the time I got there, I was like, this isn't so bad.

Yeah, and you're young again because people who are 38 are old and now you're 30.

You're like, I'm never going to get there.

By the way, mid-30s doesn't start until you're 35.

37.

37 is when mid-30s start. Early 30s for us.
Yeah. Hank, are you 25? 26.
Oh, that's why you were upset, because you missed your peak physically. No, I haven't.
I don't know. Hank's physical peak was when he was 12 years old.
Yeah, you just walked right past your physical peak. No.
You didn't do anything last year that was impressive physically. Well, I was in that fight the year before, so I was like, I had to take some time off.
Yeah, so I was 24. So imagine if you fought when you were 25.
You could have gone all the way. I know.
Could have been a champion. Any others? I mean, I don't know.
27 is pretty sweet, too. Although that's actually when you start to get, like, next year, Hank's going to get his quarter-life crisis.
It's going to be awesome to watch. Yeah, what do you do when you get your quarter-life crisis? Start a fantasy football podcast.
There you go. Yeah, you should do that, Hank.
You should. Good idea.
You should. Fantasy Football Factory.
That's a good... Did you just come over that? Featuring Hank Lockwood.
Hammer and Hank Lockwood. Who would be his co-host, though? Roan.
Roan. Roan.
Roan. That's a great idea.
Okay. So we get credit for that idea if you do it.
Yes, you guys can be executive producers if that podcast happens. Do I have to be an executive producer as my title, Hank? Maybe like the vice president of football operations? Can PFC be head fluffer? What is that? You just get everyone excited about fantasy football before you're like, hey, Le'Veon Bell in the third round.
Oh, yeah. No, I can do that.
Antonio Brown is six-round sleeper. You get everyone just super fucking horned up for Fantasy Football.
I'm great at getting people all lubricated and then vastly disappointing them. Yeah.
I'll be head grip. I've always wondered what the fuck that guy does.
Best boy. Best boy grip.
Best boy and grip. What do they do? I always just assumed they hold the camera.
It's like lighting shit, but it's not the actual. You hold.
I see it very literally. They're just gripping.
I think you put sandbags on camera stands. I think that's exactly right.
That's exactly right. All right.
Let's go do Topher Grace before we do that. All protein bars generally taste the same, but not one bars.
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Hockey is on.

And no matter the city, no matter the team, no matter the game, whether it's face-off or penalty shots, regular season or playoffs, win or lose, no matter what happens, no matter where it happens, New Amsterdam vodka is there quick add on liam said 16 because you can drive oh big miss i didn't get my license i was like 16 that's a good one big miss for city kids just don't get that that's a big miss good one and now topher grace um ready hank all we go. Oh, you want to throw those on? Do I have to? Yes.
What do you do? Sound effects? If you trust talking into a mic, you don't have to. But some people, they forget and they go over here.
Guys, I have a podcast now. I know how to do this.
Is your hair too perfect? Is the hair thing? Could a guy like you... I'm looking at your hair right now this is let's start this is okay you look i can swear on this yeah fuck shit motherfucker bitch okay take it down a notch damn fuck you look great dude your hair looks great what about this you see this great head of hair see this guy i don't like what i'm seeing over here oh like this the guestidated? Wait, take off the hat, dude.
Let's see. Intimidated? You know him from that 70s show from a million movies? Dude, let's not talk about me when we're seeing this.
And we just went right in. We just raw-dogged it in there.
People are like, what's going on? We didn't even know the interview started. I'm looking at two of the most gorgeous heads of hair.
That's true. It's a shame that we're in podcasting.
By the way, I need to thank you before we really get going because you got me out of jury duty. So I dropped your name.
Yeah, yeah. No, I dropped your name.
Yesterday I was in jury duty and they were going to pick me for the thing. And I said, can I talk to you personally? And I explained my job and I explained I had Topher Grace coming in.
And the guy said who? No, the lawyer said he should. I think he said.
I stopped listening. But he was like, he should have been in the new Spider-Man or something.
So I don't know. I got me out of jury duty once.
I went into... What's that area you get held in and then you get called? Jail.
Prison. You're like, maybe I'm going to be on a jury today.
And then you get brought with 60 people and they kind of whittle it down into 12. I was in that room and they brought out this guy who was there on murder and i was like oh man i'm not working right now this would be kind of cool to get like a murder trial and like as an actor it's like good research maybe 40 bucks a day 40 bucks a day yeah exactly so uh the guy comes out and i i know it's like you know innocent until.
This guy was guilty, no matter what. I could just tell from looking at him.
Really big, guilty-looking guy. And they said, everyone stand up.
Do you swear to, you know, not judge him or whatever? You know, yeah, I said, sure. You know, and then as we sat down, he kind of looked at me and winked and went like, big fan.
was like oh my oh my god i can't go on i can't be on this yeah like i'm actually now you think he's innocent yeah oh no i mean imagine we voted him guilty and then from the juror box i was like it wasn't it wasn't me yeah yeah love you yeah don't hunt me down after yeah well so your tover grace the murderers are your number one fans would you say or say, yeah, I get a lot of love from murderers. A lot of love.
One out of one murderers that you've met have been a big fan of yours. Yes.
Not true. Not true.
Oh, you're just kidding. Funny story.
Funny story. It is impossible to be, to like complete, because you do have to go in there and say, okay, I'm not going to judge anything.
I was sitting in front of two lawyers, and one of the lawyers was this smooth-talking Italian guy in a white suit, and I was like, I'm going to believe whatever he says, because he's just selling it. He was like a used car salesman.
I was like, this guy's awesome. So I don't know how anyone has a jury that's not.
I think you do it more like, yeah, like American Idol or The Voice or something like that, where it's like, who do you like the most in terms of presentation? Yeah, actually, everybody should just sit around in the jury pool. Do the buzzing around at the end.
Perfect. You're innocent.
We always talk on the show, if you're going to be a lawyer, you have to have some look in the courtroom. You have to have a look.
The white linen suit, that's one look. A cowboy hat, if I see a lawyer talking as a cowboy hat, I'm like, that guy knows what he's talking about.
How about a little sailor outfit with a little jaunty... Yeah, like sailor cap and you sing a little bit yeah like a gimp suit with a ball no one's gonna forget that no hell no hell no um all right so it is topher grace we did a terrible job interviewing welcome to the show by the way i don't know how the fuck i'm on here i am allergic to sports okay i i don't even watch them i'm i mean i'm just gonna fool any i mean this is gonna surprise anyone we've had nerds on the show before yeah that's okay but someone told me about your show and then i listened to it and i said i want to do it your celebrity interviews are wait so you listen to it even though you don't like sports that's the highest compliment they told me about it and i have a friend who said oh it's really great who's like one of your diehards your friend brad pitt no it's uh the actually producer of my podcast and he said that's if you're going to go on a podcast, that's the one to go on.

So you can steal all our tricks.

Yeah.

Shout out that guy.

Yeah, so I'm just kind of here taking notes.

Note number one, when you have a guest on that might be more famous than you,

start out by nagging him.

So my first question to you is,

what's it like having the most lax bro name of all time?

Lax bro?

Yeah, lacrosse guy.

Topher Grace.

What's up, Topher? Hey, Topher's out here. You know, I did go to boarding school in New England.
No doubt. You think? We didn't even have to read your Wikipedia for that.
Yeah, I wanted to. What kind of lawyer was your dad? That's the closest.
That's the closest to being in sports I am is my nickname. Yeah.
That's right. Do you think you'd have success if you were Chris? Because that is your name.
No, definitely not. No, the only thing that has made me successful is my nickname.
I'm positive. I mean, I'm.
Yeah, there's nothing to do with the acting. You think it was a tongue-in-cheek question, but I'm telling you, Topher Grace is different than Chris Grace.
That's just a different vibe. Yeah.
That's a different vibe. I'll tell you, I went to boarding school in New Hampshire.
I actually went to two. I went to one in Massachusetts here.
And the first day, the hottest girl in school said, you should go by Topher. I got on by Chris Grace my whole life.
And I thought it was a little bit, you know. I wanted to go by Christopher.
No one would call me Christopher. So I think I was joking around like, oh, maybe I should go by Topher.
And then just the hottest girl in the school said, this is eighth grade. She said, you should go by Topher.
I was like, okay. Yeah, done.
That was it. And then, boom, your career's born.
Do you send her any residual checks? Yeah. Is she getting a little taste of that? She's my wife.
Oh. No, no, I'm just kidding.
Oh, okay, damn. I don't know where she is.
Well, you brought up residuals. Yeah, she's dead.
I wrote this down. You brought up residuals.
What's that residual check on That 70s Show look like? How many zeros are we talking? look it's great it's actually what allows me in all honesty to do like some of the projects i've been doing lately you know you don't make a lot of money on because there are like the spike lee movie i did yeah uh that you know when it when it came out everyone was so excited about it when you're starting to make film like that, it's hard for them to even get the money to make that movie. So truly, I'm like more grateful.
I was just grateful to get that show. I'd never acted before that show.
It was a weird thing. Someone saw me in a play at that boarding school.
Really? Yeah, that was my first like audition. And so I thought like I hit the lottery, but now I realize I really hit the lottery.
Cause I,

you know,

everyone on that show,

we don't have to do anything unless we're, you know,

we like,

I'm doing a black mirror right now.

It's just cause I love it.

Right.

Cause I don't have to think about,

you know,

when I'm getting paid or anything.

Yeah.

You did have that as a flex.

I saw that I was reading some stuff and you said,

I have,

I have enough money from the 70 shows to do whatever.

I don't think I said it like that.

I think the guy who was writing the article did a headline. I'll pull up the quote exactly.
It says, I have so much fuck you money, fuck you everyone. We read the headlines.
Yeah. It does.
Does it not say that? It says, tell for grace, I've got fuck you money. Guys, I got some good news.
Slide up into yourself, you little bitches. I'm going to do whatever I want.
Barstool sports. You can't tell me shit.
I fucking own it now. I bought it on the way in.
That's fine. I own you guys, and this is my show now.
So that's the deal. New format.
It's more of a kind of a morning chat show. No sports.
No sports. We're talking about board games.
Yeah, yeah. All right, so that 70 shows.
Can we talk about that 70 show? Is it annoying? That's my first question. No, no, no.
Is it annoying when people talk about that 70 show? No, I love it. It was like, imagine if you, I'd only been in one or two high school plays and then I went out to USC to go to college and the girl who did the sets, her parents were producers.
And I knew them as Lindsay's mom and dad. And they said, would you want to come try out for this show? And I thought, oh my God, could you imagine if I just went to an audition and got a television show? And then when I got it, it was very scary because I had no idea what I was doing.
But what an amazing ride to be on something that you love as your first thing and to do it with a group of amazing people. I still love talking about it.
Yeah. It's very cool to watch a group of actors kind of grow together on a show.
It kind of brings in the audience at home a little bit you feel like you're part of the team in like a weird way as as they're growing up so that was in that was set in what 1976 is that right started in 76 76 so i did the math that would be like if somebody were to make a show right now it would be the 1999 show like the millenn the Millennium show, which makes me feel old as shit. Dude, my mind is going to explode when, I'm trying to think, it started in 76 and we did it in 98.
Then it would be... Oh, it would be closer.
Like, think about when it's 2020 or 2022, when it would be the same distance. I remember thinking the 70s were so crazy

and these bell bottoms,

and that's how kids are going to think about 1998

in about one year.

It would be like that 9-11 show in like three years,

which would be a decidedly different approach

to making a sitcom.

Hard pass.

Hard pass on that one.

I want to get in real quick to Black Klansman

because I thought that was one of the best.

Also the 70s. Yeah, one of the best movies that I've seen in a long time in theaters.
Is that true? Yeah, it was really good. I haven't seen it yet.
It was very strong. We're trying to neg you.
Yeah. We can't.
I can give you a compliment and then he has to shut it down. I've never seen that movie.
Yeah, fuck that movie. But it was good.
And I thought it was interesting because it showed two very different forms of racism at the same time, with some of the hillbillies that were the Klan guys. And then there was you, who was playing the polished racist.
Which is kind of what's more prevalent today. David Duke, yeah.
Yeah, I think the movie was like how America has been, which is the first half of the movie is really focused on kind of that classic take on racism and then the second half like kind of what david duke did to america is what he does to that film which is when he got on the scene he made it more palatable yeah uh and uh spike did an amazing job of kind of yeah showing what kind of uh the conventional ideas and then what the kind of what grew into the present day version of it. So when you were playing David Duke, just like an all time slimy guy, was that one of those things where you leave the set at the end of the day and you just feel bad about yourself, like what you've been doing all day? Because like it would be I'd imagine that'd be tough to separate the role from like, now i'm off the clock i can stop being an asshole well look i'm not normally one of the

people who like brings it home with them like i'm not a method actor there are actors i've worked

with where they're like in character the whole time and uh and they're they're really fraught

with the you know i've never had that ashton kutcher he's the same guy time method he's still

the same guy.

Yeah, he might have a method.

But like,

but mostly,

uh,

you know,

you know,

you know,

you know,

you know,

you know,

you know,

you know,

you know,

you know,

you know,

you know,

you know,

you know,

you know,

you know,

you know,

you know,

you know,

you know,

you know,

you know,

you know,

you know,

you know,

you know,

you know,

you know,

you know,

you know,

you know,

you know,

you know,

you know,

you know,

you know,

you know,

you know,

you know, you know, you know, you know, you know, you know, you know i've never had that ashton kutcher he's the same guy time method he's still the same guy yeah he might have a method but like but mostly uh it's i'm never like that like i don't come home and bring it home with me but that was the first time i think because we shot all the clan stuff in one week and you know in the film it's uh spread out um you'll see when you yes i'm excited yeah but um you're excited to watch that part to watch that part yes and be like he brought this home with him it was uh it was it's messed up i mean it's really if you go to that much trouble like we did to really recreate that kind of stuff and and the research was heavy yeah you know because it's just thinking about stuff you don't want to think about. And you're also watching the news today.

I mean, at the time, it was, I guess, Trump's first year in office.

And you're seeing how what happened in that time directly affected.

I mean, literally, we started when Charlottesville was happening.

So it was really the whole thing was really heavy.

But Spike's the rest of the time on set was really fun because he uh and the movie has some have some levity to it yeah there were times that's a a big time movie where you're watching the theaters and there are some times when you want to laugh because it's funny and you like look around you're like is it okay to laugh spike would say that when we went to like we had the premiere in brooklyn and it was amazing he's like the king of brooklyn and you couldn't hear certain lines because people were laughing over other lines. And then we went and showed it at the Academy in Los Angeles.
It does the Academy Awards. And it was like an all-white audience.
He said at the beginning, I was like, this is why this guy is so smart. He goes, it's okay to laugh, guys.
You're right. White people, it's okay to laugh.
It's a comedy. But still, they were cautious.
Yeah, you're wiggling around in your seat in those parts. But I thought it was really, really good.
I'm very excited now. That was a great promo, PFT.
Now can we talk about a movie that I don't like that you were in? Yeah, Interstellar. Interstellar.
Traffic. What's up with all the camera filters and traffic? You don't like traffic? It's like you're – well, no.
I actually love traffic. I good traffic.
I actually love traffic. I hate interstellar.
I have plenty of movies that are bad. Do you want to do interstellar? But traffic's not one of them, man.
I love traffic. Just how come you're in – in the scenes in Mexico, it's like dark yellow, and then in the United States, it's like dark blue.
There's red, white, and blue, that movie. All that stuff.
There was yellow. There was yellow in Mexico.
No, that's the red part, right? Did you have fun playing that role? Were you just like – Yeah. You get to talk fast all the time, pretend you were on coke?

You know what it was?

When I got the role on –

Pretend.

Boarding school.

That I was method by coincidence.

When I got the role on 70's show, I thought it started to become a hit at that point.

And I was like two years in.

I was like, oh, I still feel that way about playing David Duke. or I kind of play like a Jack Dorsey type of character in Black Mirror but I was like I think I can do um but I've amassed enough goodwill that's what a sitcom does you know when you think about like Richie Cunningham or uh you know Chandler you know it's like it's hard to see these people as bad guys so to play him it really challenges the audiences.
And I remember that was because we had to grow our hair out for 70's Show, and that's the first one, Traffic, that I cut my hair short for. And I didn't even like – people didn't even know I was in it.
Like I was at the Golden Globes, and people were saying, like, good job to the rest of the cast. And they didn't know I was in the film.
At first I was bummed, and then I realized, oh, no, this is good to have kind of two separate. Yeah.
Still, you know, I love doing Black Klansman, and I just did a comedy that Jon Stewart's directing, and it's much more of a comedy, and I loved that. That's interesting that you think that, like, the people are so attached to that 70s show that you can play awful characters, awful people, and people will not hold it against you the same way well i worked with ron howard once and i was like this guy he's the greatest and he is the greatest he's the greatest human and the nicest guy but also like you know he was opie he was richie cunningham you know like i just like he's imbued with you know he walks in the room and you give him so much like oh this must be a nice guy i I think it really messes with the audience in a fun way when – especially playing David Duke.
People were like, how do I feel about this? So what about Interstellar? What about it? I didn't like it on the second watching. You liked it the first time? Yeah, I did.
I did. The second watching, I was like this movie kind of stinks.
I think I've only seen it once. All right, so you're good now.
All right, so don't watch it again. No, then we're good.

That's the Interstellar talk.

Don't watch it the second time.

What happened to you the second time?

I don't know.

I thought it was kind of cheesy.

I just had something happen.

I love Christopher Nolan.

I love the Christopher Nolan Batmans, but something about that, I don't know.

But don't watch it the second time.

You're fine.

Explain to two idiots what exactly is cons or cans or whatever the fuck you call it.

Okay, I didn't know until I went. Okay.
Which is time give it to us cons 101 can can 101 it's like a can of coca-cola yep yeah be relatable to these you guys know a can of coca-cola right a little bit more can down the road can natty light yeah yeah cans breasts yeah yeah that kind of exactly yeah got it got it uh i didn't i'd never been i thought it was like really hoity-toity i'd kind of see people over there i'd say what is the big deal and then if you ever go to can try to be one of the leads of a movie that has received that well okay good tip it was the most unbelievable it was what i thought hollywood was gonna be like when i was a kid and i went to planet hollywood or or like disney world or something i was like oh hollywood's probably so much fun and then you learn sadly it's a real grind you know it's a job and then i went over there i thought no this is it it's like palm trees and tuxedos you're out on someone's yacht and that film so no one knew that film was coming out it was very very quiet. Like no one even knew I was playing David Duke in it.
It was really a secret. And then when they showed it, it got a 10 minute standing ovation at the end.
Holy shit. Which is, for me, like a one minute standing ovation is like obnoxious.
Right. And a 10 minute, like people are throwing roses.
The best part of the standing ovation is there's a camera on you at the end of the film. So you watch this film with 2,000 people and then up on the big screen they have a camera on you so boom, you see Spike Lee's face.
It's in the room you're in and everyone's cheering and throwing bouquets and then it went over to John David Washington and people are on their feet applauding and then the camera went to me and the applause just kind of died down and it was kind of quiet and it went over to like Laura Harrier and people started screaming again and I was like okay I think it's because I did a good job but it might be because I did a bad job. You can't give a standing ovation to David Duke no matter what.
Yeah yeah so I didn't know how to respond to it but I kind of I thought that thought – that to me was my favorite. I bought the poster of the Cannes 2018.
Yeah, yeah. I forgot the name already.
So it is as cool. It's not Cannes.
It is Cannes. So it's as cool as everyone thinks it is because it's one of those mysterious things to people who watch movies, people who enjoy media.
You just think like, oh, all these people go to France. They dress in tuxedos.
Leo pulls up on his yacht

with like 20 girls.

Yeah,

they lightly kiss each other

on the cheek

and drink champagne

and boom,

hits get made.

By the way,

I think it is the gamut.

I think people have flops

that get booed over there.

Really?

Yeah,

well,

that's what was so scary

when we were showing the film.

They said sometimes

people are booing,

just sit through it.

I was like,

oh my God,

what is this going to be?

But they love cinema,

so they are really there. They're not there for some commercial reason.
They're there because they want to see the movies. How do you get tickets to be in the audience at Cannes? That's the only way I knew how to just be in a movie? I was lucky.
There were only two American films that year, and I happened to be in both of them. I shot them a year and a half apart, but I happened to be in both of them.
So I got like a – if you had only known me then. So really the tip is to be in both of them.
Just a weird... I shot them a year and a half apart, but I happened to be in both of them.
So I got like a... If you had only known me then.
Yeah. So really the tip is to be in two movies at Cannes when you go.
If you can try to swing it, guys. Try to be in the only two American films.
Fuck. You know, yeah.
Oh, you've never been to the south of France? Yeah, that sounds pretty awesome. I highly recommend it.
Damn. I think it could be really bad.
There's also a real hustler kind of Vegas energy going on at the same time where people are trying to get their films financed so it really runs the gamut i think there's like i mean this year the ticket would have been once upon a time in hollywood that was the you know like one kind of emerges as the one but uh i'm sure i'll never have that experience i mean if you talk to i mean i've read interviews with interviews with Steven Spielberg and he said like premiering E.T. at Cannes

is still like his favorite

Hollywood experience.

That's awesome.

I can't imagine

what it's like

trying to get an Airbnb

in Cannes that week.

It's like you're basically fucked.

You have to stay in Switzerland

and make the commute down.

We should go sometime.

Yeah,

let's be in a movie.

Let me tell you something.

From what I can tell

the tone of the show,

it is perfect for Cannes.

Oh,

we are?

Yeah.

That's what I thought.

What kind of movie

do you think we can make

to get into Cannes?

We've got some ideas,

but I don't know

if they're like art house enough.

My tuxedo's like

Thank you. tone of the show.
It is perfect. Oh, we are? Yeah.
That's what I thought. What kind of movie do you think we can make to get into Canada? We've got some ideas, but I don't know if they're like art house enough.
My tuxedo's like seven years old. One's called Boner Dogs.
Yeah, wait, wait. Stop.
Hit me with these ideas. Go.
Oh, Boner Dogs. I mean, we can pitch you with Boner Dogs, but it seems like it'd be too elevated.
Pitch me now. Give me the elevator pitch.
First question, do you know Adam Sandler? Have you ever worked with Adam Sandler? Adam and I are dying for something to do, and we said if it could have to do with dogs, that would be great. Talk to me.
It's called Boner Dogs, and it's about this dog that always has a boner, and it's got he's like the leader of a pack of sled dogs, and they get lost. Can I ask you a question before you go any further? Have we seen it before? No.
No, we haven't. Okay, this is kind of a brand new concept.
It's like a mix between Debbie Does Dallas and Snow Dogs. And Rudolph.
Yeah, well, before I go any further, let me just say the dogs are voiced by Zac Efron. He's attached to it.
Correct. Loosely attached.
I heard his episode. Yeah.
Oh, there you go. Ice Cube is loosely attached.
Loosely attached. Adam Sandler is what we're hoping for.
Kevin James, Chris Farley, Chris Rock. Rob Schneider.
Rob Schneider are all voices of the dogs. David Spade.
David Spade is the voice of the boner. And the dog gets lost in the wood.
The voice of the boner. And the only way that he can get back is by following the trail of his little red lipstick that's guided them out there in the snow.
So it's like a move off. I kind of got emotional at the end there.
It all came around. At first it was funny, and then it got so emotional that the dog got lost.
It's the whole thing about don't boner shame and all that stuff. Kids will learn from this.
Guys, I am 100%. This is why you did that 70s show.
To finance this. So when are we going? Be the sugar daddy.
I got another one for you. You ever see that movie Roma? Yeah.
I didn't. But someone told me that it started as the guy's life starts.
Is that right? Right, yeah. So I was thinking we just make a movie where it starts where it's like 3-2-1 action and then it goes through the whole person's life and then comes back around and he's like 3-2-1 action so it's a never ending movie.
Wait, I don't get that dude. That didn't make sense.
What did I say the first time I did that? This is very confusing. I'm confused myself.
Wait, 3-2-1 action and the person is born? So it starts out with an old guy going 3-2-1 action, and then it goes to a baby, and then it's just a year long. I got it.
Yeah, no, it starts with the guy being like 3-2-1 action, and then it's a baby, and then it's the baby growing up to be a grown adult, and the grown adult becomes a director, and at the end of the movie, he's like, okay, all the things that happened in this movie led me to this moment 3, 2, 1, action boom, back to a baby but it's an actor baby no, it's the same baby, it just keeps going loop loop loop that doesn't make sense, so if he's a director what if it was a movie inside a movie literally he's born and he lives and then you get to the end and he's like, now I'm at a point where I want to do the movie of my life.

So it starts all over.

I got it.

I got you.

I'm having a brain monsoon right now and I'm going to top your idea and make it way better.

This is free.

OK, if it's really good, we'll cut it from the podcast. So if you missed the whole thing, it was really let this wash over you.

OK, a guy.

He says three to one action. It's a baby grows up to be a director he says three two one action that baby grows up to be a director then he says three two one action so it's another one at the end add another that's what you did yeah that's true you cut your story off short.
That's true. I wanted more.
So then we, or you know what?

I mean, I was going to pitch three, but I feel like, I don't know if people would sit

through that.

No, but the whole point of it is, three is self-indulgent at that point.

The whole point of it is, it's like an eight-hour movie, and then we jack up the price for popcorn.

So we just make all the movie money that we make is actually through the popcorn backdoor.

I got to say, that idea, I am in no way touching. It's terrible.
I love Boner Dog. Okay.
That's fine. That's fine.
I don't even watch you on Boner Dog. Listen, I help with the Boner.
I'm the fluffer for the Boner. I've heard that you are getting really into remixing movies.
Is that what you call it? Remixing? I don't know. We don't call it've uh i have to answer all these questions about it now but it started as i gave bad notes on a film i was producing in editing because as an actor you're never in editing yeah and you don't know you're going like what took you so long in there like we just shot the whole thing like why don't you you know what and then when i went into editing i realized oh my god this is such a process that i i bought avid editing machine online.
And I learned how to cut. And the only way to cut with it is to get, you know, I cut something out of Atonement, if you remember that film.
Yeah. It was really short.
It was like my idea. Is that Keir Knightley? Yeah.
So in order to get enough footage to, like, make a movie out of a ton of footage, I took that new Star Wars, the one that Natalie Portman's in, those three Star Wars movies, and I cut them into one. I mean, this is the nerdiest hobby ever.
It's literally like... You sure you're not a sports guy? You've gone viral.
I'm adding scenes to atonement. Yeah.
No, that's the best reaction. Yeah, I'm not a sports guy.
I don't know how to unwind. And it has nothing to do with my career.
I don't want to edit anything I'm in. But it really is relaxing to kind of shift.
It's like going in the garage and doing woodworking or something. And it does teach you a little bit about the job.
It's like when a director takes an acting class to be a better director or something. You learn a little bit.
But mostly, I don't know.

You look at The Hobbit.

I did The Hobbit.

And that should be one film.

Did you guys watch The Hobbit?

Yeah.

It should be one film, right?

Yeah.

Wait, The Hobbit.

No, I saw Lord of the Rings.

Yeah, I was going to say Game of Thrones.

Yeah.

After your whole, what was that thing called?

Breaking Bad.

The director.

The never-ending movie.

That was what it's called. Great title.
Parentheses, buy as much popcorn as you can eat. Are you going to be director? I could cut that down.
No, I don't like directing. I would be bad at editing anything I'm in.
I just really like doing it as a – I mean, it's really nerdy, and it is as nerdy as it and um it's not because honestly to make the you know correlation to sports world we have a guy in this office who breaks down film in the middle football film in the middle of the summer like that's if you're a sports fan you probably have similar hobbies whether it be fantasy or yeah we want to get into it on a deeper level right and stuff i only do with stuff that i'm kind of a fan of and I just want to like,

you know,

play around with it and have my own control over it

and it's really fun.

You should remix

every single Nick Cage movie together.

You know what I'm thinking of doing is,

this is going to be too boring.

No, no, no.

Please, please.

We'll tell you about it.

Putting all these 70s films together.

So like,

All the President's Men

and Parallax View

and like trying to,

yeah,

trying to make them all

one dope 70s film

which would be kind of cool.

That 70s movie.

Yeah,

that's the reason I won't do it

is because people will call Thank you. President's Man and Parallax View and and yeah trying to make them all one dope 70s film which would be kind of cool that 70s movie yeah that's the reason I won't do it is people that's where we call yeah I won't do it for that reason yeah if we get out in front of it I'm so glad when I played not that's not yeah don't make this joke the never-ending movie part two yeah no no the here we come can your movie should be don't make the joke you want to is.
Yeah, that, yeah. I shouldn't do it.
Just do a bunch of 80s movies just to fuck with people. What was it like working on set with people that were hooking up, like your co-stars that you knew? They weren't hooking up.
They weren't. You didn't do your research, PFT.
I refuse to believe that. I think that you guys were sworn to secrecy and you've done a hell of a job.
Why would they swear us to secrecy in 1999 and then get married and have kids in 2016? Everyone makes weird packs when you're 17. I've seen American Pie.
I've seen a lot of teen movies. You have to make a pack when you're a senior in high school.
I think that you guys made a pack. Let's not tell anyone.
Yeah. Because when me and Big Cat made out that one time, it totally ruined things with hank the whole dynamic was all for like at least a week and a half so like i still got a little something's going on in here yeah someone someone wrote an article that said what really happened behind the scenes of that 70s show do you should i read the different paragraphs you know don't even comment on it i'm trying to promote all right first one love love far from first sight it actually talks about them not uh being you know lovers and then it goes down and down leo's disappearance eric's buddy topher grace supposedly hated the rest of the cast that's just one i just read randomly um that's not true i love them we we get together i i love them i mean the the thing that i think people think sometimes is because I was new.
I mean, so new. Like, I remember the first take of the pilot.
I'd only just had an audition. So that was the first time I ever acted.
They said, like, bring a headshot and a resume to the audition. I said, okay, what is that? It's like a picture of you so we know who you are.
I said, okay, so my resume was like Suncoast Video and Dunkin' Donuts and shit. And the picture was me and my friends at Six Flags.
I mean, they were like – Wait, what are the roller coaster pictures? No. That's taken as you got it.
That would have been great. That would have been great.
So the first episode, the director said, like, great job on that first take, but you weren't looking towards any of the cameras. I was so green.
That was the only direction. Not be more this way or that way.
You've got to face the cameras so they can see your face. That's a very low-level direction.
I was so messed up the first couple of years that a lot of the cast was more fun and would kind of go out more, I didn't even date anyone the first couple of years. I was so trying to do a good job on the show.
So I think sometimes people say, well, you're not as close to them. And it really makes me sad because they're all still grateful.
You know, I have this podcast and Wilmer just came on it and we have a blast together. So myth busted.
Myth busted. Myth best friend.
No, I just hate it. No, that does suck.
Imagine if someone said, oh, you hate your friends from high school, and you go, no, I love them. Yeah, I peaked in high school.
I love my high school friends. Myth Busted.
Black Mirror. So you're in an episode of Black Mirror.
What made you want to do the show, first of all? Do you like Black Mirror? Yes. Yeah.
I feel like you don't watch anything, man. No.
You haven't watched Black Mirror. I do watch a lot of sports.
All right. do watch a lot of sports Black Mirror is a great show in the fact that it is very unsettling to watch but I always want to watch the next one it's so unsettling for me I don't watch it fair enough this one will be very unsettling I actually have a list of shows that I just know that I'll get to.
I just binged all Stranger Things.

I knew I'd get to it.

All three seasons at once.

It took me...

I watched Game of Thrones the whole thing a month before.

So I will watch Black Mirror.

It's definitely on my list of shows.

Have you even seen that 70 show?

Yeah, I have.

Of course.

So it was the four people in New York that were...

Right?

No, that was...

There were four guys in LA, and it was Vince. Phoebe.
Phoebe. No, it was the four people in New York that were, right? No, that was...
There were four guys in LA, and it was Vince.

Phoebe.

No, it was Vince.

Johnny Drama.

Turtle.

Phoebe.

Yeah, E.

He was always fucking up.

He thought he was smarter than he really was.

Okay, so then let's flip it.

Sell me on Black Mirror.

Oh, well, yeah, I should definitely sell you on it.

Season five. Wait, seriously? Yep.
Fuck. Shit.
oh well yeah i should definitely uh sell you on it uh season five um seriously yep um you know it's like uh for anyone who hasn't watched it it's uh this guy charlie brooker writes every episode and he's like a modern day rod serling he's brilliant i don't know if you watched the twilight zone yes also a good show yes if you haven't watched twilight zone you know it's late, but on it and this is like uh similar that it's an anthology like that and it's about technology and people have the same debates they have with twilight zone which is which one is the best one you know you're doing well when people are debating which one is the best one right they're all kind different, and some of them are some of my favorite episodes of television.

Some of them really, like, take me a couple hours to get over.

Yeah, some of them really hit you at a deep level, yeah.

But they're very, very good.

I think my favorite was the guy that fucked the pig.

That was pretty good.

That is a divisive one, yeah.

Spoiler alert. Spoiler alert.

Yeah, fucked the pig.

You can tell me anything.

He fucked a pig at the end.

That's fucked up.

It has to do with technology.

It does. Yeah, the pig is actually a hologram.
So do you normally fuck pigs? To me, it's about if it feels right. I do want to talk about your podcast.
So you do a podcast here. We found Common Ground.
We have a podcast. I'm not even going to fucking ask if you've heard my podcast.
There's no way. If you haven't seen Black Mirror or Game of Thrones.
Tell me what the name of the Black Mirror episode is, because otherwise I won't know which one to skip. That is called Smithereen.
Okay, Smithereen. Gotcha.
And it's great. I really am really, really proud of it.
I am going to watch it. I will watch Smithereen.
Yes. All right.
Can't wait to hear what you guys think when we're not on the air. We'll review it.
Yeah, yeah. We'll review it.
But I have a podcast, which is to say with Black Klansman. I did this thing called The Hot Zone, which is out of Bola, and then doing Black Mirror.
I've been doing a lot of really just heavy stuff. And I went and did Anna Faris' podcast, which is a great podcast.
And her producer took me out to lunch and said, I want to do your podcast. I said, I don't want to do a podcast.
I'd be boring and my life is really boring. He said, no, I'll come up with a kind of a thing to do on it.
His format, which I think is great, is that every week we go on a different adventure. I have a friend like I had in Wilmer Valderrama the other day.
We brought in, the guest never knows what's going to happen. He brought in biggest trailer announcer in the world we learned to announce trailers we had Whitney Cummings, we did a lie detector test we had Zach Levi we married a couple we got ordained so it's great for going, what a boring guy.
And we don't have to hear about this guy's life.

And so with this, we get to talk for a little bit.

And then we...

That's good because everyone has a podcast.

Like, we make the joke that we're just two douchebags with a podcast because literally everyone has one.

But to do something that's totally different...

Well, I honestly, sitting here, you guys are...

I mean, I really mean this.

You guys are so entertaining in how you do it.

When I started listening to your thing, some people have that gift. Like, I don I don't have that gift to just like open up the universe and pull out something funny and whatever.
And, uh, you guys just how we're talking, you know what I mean? Now this isn't a very sincere show, but you guys seriously are very funny that way. And like, uh, I don't have that, but I'm really glad he came up with it.
I think I, I love going with these people on these adventures and, and it's great. And I'm a dad.
So it's like I get out of the house once a week. Same.
You could take us to... I'm a dad now.
Tell you what, just release us into the Alaskan wilderness with a pack of sled dogs. You can come along.
What if you guys came on minor adventures? What if you guys came on minor adventures? I would do it. It'll be like the live action version of The Lion King, except it'll come out before the animated boner dogs.
You can't know what the adventure is going to be, but I bet it would be something that would put you guys in a really bad position. That's fine.
Wait, hold on. I do not respect my body in the least.
I will put it through anything. Can we minor adventure you on your show, too? No.
Like, you minor adventure us, and then we make you watch a Big Ten basketball game. You would love it.
Oh, my God. You come on my show, and we'll watch an entire game of something.
I'm the worst, by the way. I am like the only redeeming quality I have about sports is that I admit it.
That's true. Like I hate when people aren't into sports, but they're kind of like watching a game and trying to be like, come on, a little bit of defense.
Yeah. Right.
But they don't know what the fuck's going on. Vince Vaughn's like that.
He is? Yeah. is yeah well he likes sports but he was standing next to us at an lsu game on the sideline and he would just like lean over occasionally and be like you got to get off the field on third down yeah you gotta try to establish the run here i don't know what that means but you guys do and you went no that's not right yeah well it's just like it's a basic bitch thing to say yeah it's like you know day one stuff yeah you saying it up front was good because we do have some people who come on and sometimes we're like, oh, so what team are you rooting for? He's like, you know, the Yankees and the Mets.
And we're like, that's not true. Like, you keep...
No, you don't. Like, I'm a New Yorker.
It's like, oh, no, I don't think so. All right, my last question, SeatGeek question, put in promo code TAKEY at $10 off to go see some sports.
SeatGeek, Maybe we'll do that. Maybe we'll go to a game together.

Put in promo code.

What an adventure that would be.

Do you have anything specific on your rider that's cool that you can tell us about?

It's not on my rider.

This is just a piece of advice for any actors who are maybe coming up in the game is day

one, pick someone on the crew, slap the shit out of them really hard.

Because what that does is, and for no reason, right?

so they go

Thank you. Rob Schneider would be great at that job yes so you don't have anything specific when you're in your trailer Topher Grace doesn't have to have this you know you gotta make one of two choices I really meant what I was saying about that Black Lans movie like I was a local hire on that meaning they were into me playing the part but they're like ah we're gonna hire someone out of York.
And I love that script so much and really want to do things that were, that really meant something to me that I said, no, no, I'll pay for my plane ticket to New York. So you're either kind of in that camp where you're essentially losing money doing things you really care about, or you're, I don't know the other world.
I really don't know that world. Your tip is to get in a syndicated sitcom and then get rich enough to have enough money to fly yourself to jobs and take other people's jobs.
And also when people come at you with litigation in terms of slapping them, just have enough lawyers to basically... For one army of lawyers to intimidate them, deal with your neck injury.
I'm Topher. Yeah, I'm Topher.
That's what I do when I slap them. I say, I'm Topher.
Yeah, I'm Topher. That makes the slap even worse.
Right, right. I'm not Chris.
I'm not Christopher. I'm Topher.
Yeah. I'm Topher.
That's what I do when I slap them. I say, I'm Topher.
Yeah.

That makes the slap even worse.

Right.

Right.

I'm not Chris.

I'm not Christopher.

I'm Topher.

You just got slapped by a dude named Topher.

That's how bad your life is right now.

I love it.

I love it.

All right, Topher.

Thank you so much.

Thank you for having me on, guys. It was a pleasure having me on.

I got like six things I got to watch now.

Right?

Starting with season one of Black Mirror.

Well, no, that 70s show. I got to watch that.
And then Black Mirror. Well, the thing with Black Mirror.
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Twilight's a Twilight's a Twilight's a Twilight's a Twilight's a There's things I've got to watch now. Right? Starting with season one of Black Mirror.
Well, no, that 70s show.

I've got to watch that.

And then Black Mirror.

Well, the thing with Black Mirror.

The Twilight Zone.

We should say.

Twilight Zone.

You can just pick and choose.

You don't have to watch season one, two, three, four, five.

Yeah, you can watch mine first.

Oh, perfect.

It's not going to order.

Done.

Smithereen.

I'm going to watch it tonight.

Awesome.

Thank you, man.

It's a lie, but you knew that.

I had a feeling you were going to watch it tonight.

Yeah, all right.

All right.

I just want to make sure we're on the same wavelength.

I think we crushed this.

Look forward to going on your podcast. Thank you.
Look forward to having you on my podcast and not you right hey what's going on there pal we saw you at the hockey game on do i know you guys i'm ryan whitney i got a drink named after me not a big deal pink whitney that's what i thought see you fellas i invented the thing you pigeon pink whit Whitney for legendary moments. Okay, let's get to some segments.
Nathan Peterman is putting together a perfect drive. Highlight reel.
He's 7 for 7 right now, and he just ran for a first down. He's run for two first downs.
He's about to throw a touchdown, too. I wish we had Jake Marsh here right now because this is going to be a huge moment here.
Also would hit my over. That's true.
Which I need very badly because I have not done well otherwise. Yeah, he just needed a change of scenery.
He needed to get out west. He needed to learn under the tutelage of John Gruden.
Yeah, the QB whisperer. Oh, Nathan.
Nope. Nope.
That was a great handoff. We'll update that.
One thing people don't talk about enough with Nate Peterman is how crisp those handoffs are. Yes.
Just always gets it right. He really knows how to do it.
Yeah. All right.
First segment, we have drunk idea Aaron Rodgers. He wants to slash the beer prices at Lambeau Field so people will be louder.
Now, I'll just say this, PFT, and I want your take, but it's a sad, sad day when the Packers need to find gimmicks to be louder. Just sad.
That's true. Or I'm just going to say it out loud.
It's sad. Also a sad day for the Packers need to find gimmicks to be louder.
Just sad.

I'm just going to say it out loud.

It's sad.

Also a sad day for the Packers fans to find gimmicks to get drunk.

Yes.

That is a part of the culture in Wisconsin.

Yikes.

I'm just saying. And Minnesota.

If you have to ask Green Bay fans to be louder, maybe just move the whole franchise.

Touchdown Raiders.

Hand off Peterman.

Hand off Peterman.

Yeah.

Wow.

Just pure class from Nate Peterman right there. Move the whole yeah move the whole franchise get out of there um he could also just slash beer prices by just drinking half a beer like he does when he's courtside that's true that's a really easy way to save money on beers just never finish a full one they should just give away free beer why not for like a playoff game what's to stop them yeah just let everyone gets well actually if you give away free beer then people would just pass out but to a point yeah how about free beer every time aaron rogers and matt lafleur give each other like a glance that says that they don't like each other again they'd pass out pass out yes all right next up we have i don't even we didn't have a segment for this this but Brian Cashman got pulled over.
He did, yeah. And so that was weird.
He is the king of he had, I think it was an affair or was involved in something. Remember that video of him rock climbing or climbing up a building or something? Brian Cashman does something weird every couple years just to remind you that he's around.
Because otherwise he's just just been the Yankees GM forever and his name's Cashman. The Cashman is quite a nickname, too.
For the Yankees GM. Yeah, for the Yankees GM.
Right. I saw him.
They pulled their guns on him because it was his car. He had a car that he found out was stolen.
And then he went vigilante on it. It's a very weird situation that's going on.
That's what I'm saying. Cashman gets in weird situations every few years.
He does find himself in a strange place. They had their guns pulled on him.
He was compliant when it happened. But it was kind of scary watching the body cameras.
But as far as jailbird uniforms go, he could have earned his pinstripes. But he didn't.
Here it is. That's true.
That's a good point. Yeah this i remembered it incorrectly yankees gm cashman scales down building in connecticut what that happened okay he scaled down a building because he was like i don't know if he was rock climbing or yeah i think he was rock climbing he's just a weird dude he was rock climbing on the side of a building yeah what building was this that you can rock climb i don't know but he's but he's a weird-ass dude.
Window washing? No, but he... He is Spider-Man.
He did it five times. What the fuck? He wore reindeer antlers on top of a wig of spiked hair.
What? Okay, Cashman's weird. This segment's called Brian Cashman, Weirdo.
Big time weirdo. Yeah.
All right, next up we have an oh, you think? Bryson DeChambeau said that Brooks Capra could kick his ass. Yeah.
You think? No doy. No shit with your little newsy hat.
Thanks for letting us know, scientist. Blake Capra would punch him in his face so hard that his hat would spin around like it was in a cartoon and make a slide whistle.
He'd cave his skull in. Yeah, fuck you, Bryson DeChambley.

Get out of here, dude.

I just wish he'd quit already.

Scram.

Beat it. Beat it, man.
Beat it, chump. Get the fuck out of here.

I hope that Brooks Koepka beats his ass.

Yeah, me too. That's what golf's been missing, really.

I'll hold Bryson DeChambeau's hands

behind his back while Brooks just kicks his ass.

How about I hold Blake Koepka's hands

behind his back and he still kicks Bryson's ass? Probably going to happen. All right.
There's a man, Mark Davis, looking so sweet. Look at that camel toe, that moose knuckle.
He is so hot. The shadows on that thing.
That looks like the elephant graveyard that the Lion King isn't allowed to go into. How can a man have all that swag? It's too much.
You ask that. How can one person have all that swag? God damn, that was awesome.
By the way, save for some for the rest of us mark how can one person have all god damn that was awesome by the way save for some for the rest of us that was actually the headline i used on the tweet did you see the joe west kiss no he he he smooched some some uh fan last night like through the netting casanova like so some some dude was like hey there's joe west he's a famous um uh honey go get a picture with him and he she went walked up and he just smooched the fuck out of he's like the joe biden of umpires yeah i think you're also giving him too much credit that the the dad was like take i bet you he was just walked over and was talking to them and she was like can we take a picture no he was probably like you want to take a picture with country joe yeah he's like let me see that cheek you like my music i don't think he was summoned over i think he was just over there why don't you give give my big weird neck flap a little smoochy smooch? I'm a smoochaholic. That's Joe West.
I'm going to start doing the bullfrog thing when they're horny and just expanding my neck skin back and forth. You'll find it irresistible, baby.
Are you worried about the Cubs? Bryce just had to walk off Grand Slam. Wait, what the fuck? Yeah.
Yeah. Bryce Arford just had to walk off Grand Slam.

You caught him in the middle of one of his little streaks.

I thought you saw that already.

They were up 5-0.

Yeesh.

Sorry.

I'm sorry for breaking that news.

Oh, my God.

I'm sorry Hank had to break that news, too.

He hates it. Hank hates delivering bad news like that to you.

What the fuck?

This is a real reaction.

Hugh Darvish was awesome tonight, too. You know, it's even worse that his dog's named Wrigley, and he did that to you.
Fuck! Yeah. Double doink.
Cubs are so bad on the road. They're so fucking bad on the road.
Six runs in the ninth? Nice. Fuck.
Okay. All right, let's just go to license.
Next segment. Oh, yeah.
PR 101 Ohio State. I'm bummed out because the Cubs do this.
You started the show. You thought it was over.
No, it was 5-0 when we started the show. And I was like, fuck.
Hank really killed the show's vibe right there. PR 101 Ohio State said, tried to do the, fuck them.
They trademarked the word, duh. You covered up for Urban Meyer.
Yeah. Shame.
Yeah, just trademark it. Trademark the word, sorry.
Shame. We'll do better next time.
Shame, shame, shame. I actually had an idea about this.
Tell me if you think this would work. So Texas should just trademark the phrase horns down and the motion horns down.
That way, when everybody does it, they can actually sue them instead of just crying about it. Whatever.
Let's do license to Jill. I think that's a good idea.
Thanks. Hey, Hank and I are going to finish

the show by ourselves before we get to License to Jill.

Hank, what should LSU trademark?

Geeks.

Just a grunt. LSU should trademark

grunting and neck.

Suck that tiger dick,

bitch. Oh my god.
He hit that fucking ball to the moon. Jesus Christ.
They should just trademark tiger penises. Just any time you see a tiger's dick, if it's in the wild, if it's in the book of his memoirs talking about Perkins Waitress.
And he fucking walked. He ran around the bases so fast.
Just do license to jail. Okay, we're going gonna wrap up this week's pardon my take with our friend our intern our podcast mom she's back from a vacation that puts hanks to shame who the fuck knows where you went jilly football you just literally left one day didn't see it for a month and popped right back up out of nowhere.
Where'd you go? Well, I can't tell you that. Okay, great.
So how was it, at least? Can you tell us that? Marvelous. What was the best thing you did on your vacation? I learned how to use a gravity bomb.
Oh, shut up. If you did that without us, I'd be so mad at you.
I didn't use it. I just learned how to.
If she were to try to use it. You watched.
Okay, so you have been on in like four weeks. So you must have something you're disappointed in with us.
Well, yes. I'm a little disappointed and obviously not mad, of course.
Right. You would never be mad.
Because I would never be mad. Nope.
We're perfect.

But I'm a little disappointed in your flip-flopping.

With interest.

Anti-vax.

Yeah.

Oh, yeah.

I was.

Pick a side, coward.

I was an anti-vaxxer.

Now I vaccinated my child.

Although, you made the right decision.

Are you sure?

Absolutely.

Okay.

Absolutely.

I would never let my kids play with your kid if they weren't vaccinated.

I mean, your kids are like fucking 40, Jill.

I wouldn't let my kid play with your kids.

My kid's six weeks old.

I'll see you next time. I would never let my kids play with your kid if they weren't vaccinated.
I mean, your kids are like fucking 40, Jill. I wouldn't let my kid play with your kids.
My kid's six weeks old. Listen, the science is still out.
I'm disappointed in Big Cat as well because if you're going to pick a side, you have to stick to it. It's true.
You can't trust somebody that waffles no matter which way the wind's blowing. I was always an anti-vaxxer, and then I had a kid, and I was like when the rubber meets the road, I pussied out and got vaccinated.
Okay. But I'm also a little bit disappointed in what kind of example are you setting for your son? Succumbing to peer pressure.
Yeah, true. I mean, you know, granted he's little.
Very little. But you got to keep it steady.
Yeah. Yeah.
You're right was it was it tough because i've actually heard that it's tough watching your kid get vaccinated for the first time no he was chill he's a chill ass baby oh that's great he is like literally he cried for like maybe 20 seconds then he was back to just normal he's just fucking chill baby very strong he just he just hangs out yeah i love that positive vibes only good yeah good see it didn't hurt him no be fine yeah all right so that's what you're not mad but disappointed in with me what about pft anything how could i be i've been great okay i've just been great jill i heard i just knew the entire time that she was gone i was like she's listening i need to be on my p's and q's yes we cleaned the place up by the way right when we found out that you were coming back oh shit got to tidy up in here. I also noticed that she's listening.
I need to be on my P's and Q's. Yes.
We cleaned the place up, by the way, right when we found out that you were coming back. We're like, oh shit, got to tidy up in here.
I also noticed that Jill's Not Mad Disappointed was just from the last episode. So it makes me think maybe you didn't listen to anything except the last episode.
Oh, but I did post them on my Twitter. Post what? You retweeted our episodes? I did.
Give them more exposure. I gave you what I was disappointed in.
Okay. And one was the disgusting, I don't know if I can look at them again, the Snickers with Nikki Bella.
What about the cockroach legs in Snickers? What? You don't remember that? No. No, I forget every show immediately afterwards.
What are we talking about here? This is from Grit Week, so it was a long time ago.

Jesus Christ, how long have you been gone?

Someone brought up Snickers.

They did.

I forget who it was, but you were like, you know there was a cockroach and a snicker?

Yeah.

And then we looked it up and talked about it.

Oh.

See, I forget every show immediately after we say it.

Jill's memory is better than ours.

And then there was...

Miss Gravity Bong over here.

Yeah.

Another one that...

I can't remember. I was on the boat boat we were drinking on the boat okay vancouver very dangerous not telling you where i was no i didn't go there no sorry okay so there was a couple things that i put on twitter okay so i also heard that you learned some new words yes Yes, I did.
Yes, I did. Will you tell them to us? Okay.
Yep. I play in a game.
It's called Telestrations After Dark. It's a game.
It's a game for, you know, you can play many players. And I learned from my 18 and 21-year-old niece and nephew.
Golden shower.

Uh huh.

Yeah, very nice.

Never heard of it before.

Get pissed off.

You've only done it.

You've never heard of it.

Uh huh.

You've done it.

Have I done it?

I don't know.

Do you know that for sure?

Are you?

Okay.

Everyone's gotten pee on them sometimes.

Mm hmm.

Okay.

And the other word.

Taint.

Yeah.

Taint.

Oh, you didn't know what a taint was?

Everyone's got one.

The cat's got a juicy one.

Yeah, I have a juicy ass taint. Do you really? Yeah, it's in a song.
That blew my mind. Okay, did I have a juicy taint? Yeah, because that's not what, it's not in the dictionary.
What did you call it? I don't know that I did. The gooch? The gooch? The grundle? Maybe, maybe No man's land? No man's land What about a Cleveland steamer? That's new Okay, that's similar to a golden shower Is it really? Just having a crap on your chest Oh, like poop person Yeah, scat Remember poop girl? The guy that wanted her to poop in front of her? Oh, Gun Girl.
No. This was early this summer.
Never mind. Okay.
Yeah, we just don't remember anything. By the way, did you guys know this Blippi guy who is a YouTuber for children? He's the same guy who did the Harlem Shake where he shat in his friend's asshole i did not know that's the fun fact i learned this week all right i figured that was appropriate for this discussion you said that like we had any idea awesome video have you guys ever seen that harlem shake video no i mean all right let's watch it shitting into somebody else's asshole i'm gonna find it and we're gonna watch it live that poop's gotta be really confused it's one of the I finally made freedom.
Oh no, I'm back here again. It's one of the funniest videos I think I've ever watched.
But he is, turns out, like six years later, he makes videos for little kids. Which is kind of weird, right? That is a very strange career path for him.
Yes. I would think so.
All right, we can cut this, but I'm going to find this.

Well, you just milkshake ducked Blippi for me.

Yes.

I'm such a big fan.

Okay, here we go.

Wait, this is an ad in Russian.

Is this guy Russian?

No.

Oh.

It's just the only remnants of the video is Russian.

Like, they just took it down offline. Oh, it's on a Russian site.

Oh yeah, I have seen that.

Yeah, I've seen it.

Starts out normal enough.

That's what I

do in my bathroom.

Yep.

You do this.

Oh. Oh.
He pooped in his friend's asshole. That turns, like, out of the frying pan into the fryer.
Let's go to dinner. Okay.
All right. I don't know how we got here.
Want to do some license to Jill? But, yeah, that guy makes YouTubes for little kids. How did did we get there we went from taint to gooch to golden shower golden shower cleveland steamer yeah you can connect the dots okay okay what do we got for license to jill today well i have a lot of questions yes okay hi jilly i just finished moving my grandma out of her house, and while moving her, I realized she was a giant hoarder.
Do all people over 60 have a hoarding problem? Well, yeah. Yeah.
Who knows if something's going to come back in style? Correct. Yep.
You don't want people stealing from you? Yep. Yep.
And you think, I'm going to save all of this for my children. Right.
Yeah. They don't want anything.
I don't know if my future. You don't have the heart to give it up.
Right. My relatives might want 70 jumpsuits that are just laying around.
I'm a hoarder. Yeah.
Big time. Yeah.
Big time hoarder. There's nothing wrong with hoarding.
I have a new pile that's starting. It's not mature yet.
How come when people just collect random stuff, they're called hoarders, but when they collect dollars, they're called rich?

Ooh.

Ooh.

It's the exact same thing.

Damn.

And they try to get rid of it.

Blow your mind.

I wish this person luck trying to clean out grandma's house.

Yeah.

Yeah.

Yeah.

As long as there are no dead cats in there.

That's always a bummer. When you're watching hoarders, it's like a nice like a nice light show sometimes it's like wow that guy's got a lot of old newspapers you're like oh shit here's a cat skeleton from 17 years ago yeah that creeps me out the tip is to die before people have to clean up your mess because that way you don't feel guilty about it that's what i'm planning to do okay good good plan all Here's another one.
How can I break the stigma and revolutionize my dorm's atmosphere? I don't know that I can answer this one. Yeah.
It depends on, I don't know, what kind of a dorm you live in. Trip chamber.
Maybe a trip chamber would spice things up a little bit. I mean, is it co-ed? Oh, want to feel old? Trip Chamber guy is probably going into his senior year of college.
There's no chance he graduated from his freshman year. He dropped out.
Fuck, dude. You know what he's doing? That's how it blew my mind.
Trip Chamber guy definitely did one year, and then he got an apartment in the same college town, but he's not going to school anymore. And sold everyone drugs.
Yeah. I don't know him.
Yep. You don't have to.
He's probably the guy that taught you about the Gravity Ball. Probably the coolest guy we've ever met uh-huh who haven't we haven't met you want to spice things up in your dorm room like make it a little bit different go out get a poster of the boondock saints get the belushi poster bob marley the kiss poster with the two girls kissing the pink floyd uh with the backs of all the ladies in it and i think you'll be good to go stand a little bit.
Yep. Okay.
Maybe an aerial of your college's football stadium. Oh, yeah.
Just to really make it artsy. Okay.
I didn't live in a dorm, so that's okay. You're a mystery, so you don't know where the fuck you are from, where you go, where you went to college.
None of this makes sense. Okay.
Okay. Next.

Let's see. Sup, Chill Jill and the boys.
Now that summer's winding down, what are you looking forward to most this fall? Besides football. Okay.
I was going to say football. That's bullshit.
Is there anything else besides football? You tell me. You tell me.
What are you looking forward to? I like, as soon as it's September, the weather needs to go down, like get colder.

And come Saturday, you find the Michigan bar.

No, that's football.

That's okay.

That's all I got.

I love football.

She's talking about the bar.

She's talking about the bar that you-

But it's nice outside.

Yes.

And you go into a bar and you sit there and you cheer on Go Blue, the Wolverines. Yeah, I like that.
That's what I like to do. And then you go outside, and it's beautiful out.
Leaves are changing, so that's what I like. There is nothing better than that fall Saturday afternoon where you maybe watch your team play the 2.30 or 3.30 kickoff, and then you still got a little bit of light.
That's beautiful. I also like soup season.
Soup season's right around the corner. Ooh, that's good.
Vest season as well. Cover up my tits with some vests.
Oh, I wish vests would come back. Oh, they're coming.
Don't worry. Just wait.
Yeah, D-Ray brought them back. I love vests.
What about, so you like soup. I'm really glad.
I love soup. I'm very glad to hear that.
Do you like pumpkin spice lattes? You can look forward to that too. Oh, you're not a basic bitch? Pumpkin spice, Uggs.
I just like my lattes plain. I might start rocking Uggs this season.
We should just become basic bitches. I have Ugg slippers.
Hell yeah. I have Ugg slippers.
PSLs only. I like it.
PSLs and DSLs. That's what I do.
Okay. All right.
Next one. Okay.
Do you have any advice on how to take a seemingly unexcused leaf of absence from work and still keep your job like nothing happened? Good question. Excuse me.
Is that personal? No, no, no. I'm just, you know.
No, absolutely not. Would that be directed at me? No.
Well, how would you do it? Be sick? You could be sick for a long time. You could be sick for a long time.
You got mono. Mono's a good excuse.
Mono's a good excuse. I like mono.
I also like saying that you got sprayed by a skunk. Oh, that's a good one.
If you say, I used that in college one time during exam week. I said I got sprayed by a skunk and nobody will will ever question you on that.
But did they give you, like, you know, Oh, no, I just failed it. Get back with tomato soup? I just failed it, but I felt less bad about not going to class that day.
Oh, I never thought about that. I did say, like, hey, I can't come, can't take the test.
I have to go to Walmart and buy a lot of tomato soup and then shower in the dorms, all that. I made entire lie about it and they bought it but then i just never took the test so yeah that's the part that i forgot about is rescheduling oh there is that but yeah skunk it free advice to anybody use it never be questioned and what about you um i just got some breaking news that i gotta share we're gonna actually you already know it when you've already listened to it but I lost my train of thought some breaking news that I got to share.
We're going to actually. You already know it when you've already listened to it.
But I lost my train of thought. Okay.
Breaking news. But we're going to.
I got to say it in the other part of the show. Okay.
Because we might have to call someone. I want to know who.
I want to know what it is now. Yeah.
I want to know what it is. So do I.
Will you cut this? Why? Because we're going to do it at the beginning of the show. Yeah.
but then by this point, though, I've already heard it anyway. Who cares?

Blake buzzed his hair.

Oh, really?

All the way?

Jared just texted me.

He took it down?

I don't know.

But I'm, yeah.

Man, end of an era.

Yeah, we're going to have to call him.

He bicked it?

I don't know.

He said...

Are they playing tonight?

No, no, he's not.

He finally gave in to the bald life. He went buzz.
Oh, my God. Yeah, so, I mean, this is big news.
So I guess you got to the point where we heard it, but we'll talk about it at the beginning. We've already talked about it.
Right. Blake's going to be shaved bald driving a Tesla.
Right. He's going to look like the ultimate libertarian.
I apologize. I apologize.
That's huge. Yeah, he needs he needs a vest yeah and uh maybe some cargo pants and he's jeff bezos yeah some small like very narrow rectangular sunglasses yes yeah and then he's over the world he needs to take a selfie of himself in his car and have that be his twitter avatar yes so sorry jill i lost my train of thought but that's pretty big news yeah that's pretty big news let's do one more okay one more last one um okay sup jill there's a duffel bag with five million dollars the catch is if you accept the money there will be a snail that's life's life's mission is to touch you it will always know where where you are.
And if it touches you, you die. Do you take the money or no? It's a normal snail, not anything crazy.
What do you do? What do you do? Take the money. Stomp on the snail.
But you touched it. You touched it.
You're dead. You're dead.
But my shoes. Shoot it.
Oh, it didn't say anything. I thought it would be skin.
I don't think so. Pour salt touched it.
You touched it. You're dead.
But my shoes shoot it. No.
Oh, it didn't say anything. I thought it would be skin.
Pour salt on it. Oh.
By $3 million worth of salt, pour it on the snail, you have $2 million left over. Or take just a container and put it over the snail.
Trap the snail. What if it was like hunting? You didn't know where it was.
That's the thing. It started out in a separate place.
Oh, I'd still want the money. Okay.
I'd still want the money. But like, oh, you're in your...
And their snail's pace goes really slow. Yeah, but you're in your beautiful pool and then you get out of it and whoops, there's just a snail just on the ground.
Stepped on it. Dead.
No, I'd take the money. Take the money.
All right. I would live the fast life.
I want nothing to do with this snail.

I would let the money be.

It'd be in your head all the time.

All day.

All day.

All the time.

You'd just be constantly being like.

But if you could kill it, then you'd be good.

If you could kill it, yes.

But if you can't kill it.

But you could kill it different ways.

Yes.

But you have to like.

You have to see it before it sees you.

Right.

Ooh.

And there's many snails.

There's different snails I know.

Right.

You're familiar with them.

You're the snails species.

You've seen a few.

I've. Right.
You're familiar with them. You're the snails species.
You've seen a few. I've seen a snail.
Yeah. A snail or a few.
I'm going to respect the snail. Yeah.
Okay. Not worth it.
Bad juju. Bad juju.
Don't kill a snail. All right, Jilly.
Thank you. Appreciate it.
Don't go leaving. I mean, are you going to go on vacation again? Oh, the internship's coming to Annette.

Summer's over almost. It is.

We'll talk about that next week.

Okay.

Thank you.

Thanks, Jill.

Love you guys. I know that we are upside down

So hold your tongue and hear me out

I know that we will make the breaks

So hold your tongue Hear me out. I know that we would make some breaks.
So what?

Yeah.

Don't.

Oh.

Oh.

Oh.

Oh.

Oh.

Oh.

Oh.

Oh.

Oh.

Oh.

Oh.

Oh.

Oh.

Oh.

Oh.

Oh.

Oh.

Oh.

Oh. I'm not afraid of my feet I'm not afraid of my feet Thank you.
I am a fire gasoline Come pour yourself all over me We'll let this place go down in flames Only one more time You kill the lights, I'll draw the blinds. Don't throw the sparkle in your eyes.

I know that we were made to break some water.

Don't matter what I do.

I'm gonna stay in my life.

We can do it.

I'm gonna save you

I'm not I don't want to talk to you guys about something kind of serious. Let's get serious.
Impaired driving costs lives. Drunk driving costs lives.
It costs more than that too. It can wreck families.
NHTSA is using no big deal. They're telling you, you think it's no big deal to drive drunk.
Well, guess what? You're totally wrong.

Drive sober.

You get pulled over.

And listen up, because they're starting a brand new campaign that has just begun, and

it's running through September 2nd.

Cops across the U.S. are going to be increasing enforcement on impaired drivers everywhere.

I'm talking everywhere.

So listen to NHTSA.

If you feel different, you drive different.

DUI covers more than just alcohol. It covers drugs as well.
If you drive different, you can get a DUI. Never drive high.
Drive high. Get a DUI.
You can't trust yourself if you've been drinking. If you drink, don't drive.
If you drink, don't ride on a motorcycle. Ride sober.
Get pulled over. NHTSA wants you guys to get home safe.
Enjoy yourselves. Have a great time, especially

over Labor Day weekend. Throw back a few pops if you want, but don't get behind the wheel of a car.