David Spade, DeAndre Jordan, Mt Rushmore Of Airport People And Monday Reading

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Speaker 1 Terms apply.

Speaker 1 On today's part of my take, we have a twofer for the people, David Spade and DeAndre Jordan. DeAndre Jordan's going to get us Kevin Durant.
David Spade, a legend of the game.

Speaker 1 He's got a new show coming out. We also have Who's Back of the Week, Mount Rushmore of Annoying Airport People with a personal story from our producer, Bubba.

Speaker 1 The award-winning listeners are going to be the judge, jury, and executioner. He knows.
I told him. I told him.

Speaker 1 And we're on, I told you. They're going to decide your punishment.

Speaker 1 Okay.

Speaker 1 All right, so I just told him again. I just told him for the first time.

Speaker 1 We are on the road, and we'll get to all of that.

Speaker 4 When cool, creamy ranch meets tangy, bold buffalo, the whole is greater than the sum of its sauce. Say howdy, partner, to new Buffalo Ranch Sauce only at McDonald's for a limited time.

Speaker 1 Okay, let's go.

Speaker 1 Look at the hannah, no

Speaker 1 It's part of my tape presented by Barstool Sports.

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Get $5 and $5 to ASPCA. ca today is monday july 29th

Speaker 1 and we are in a hotel room in detroit yes so welcome to the show and guess what i know what you're thinking right now you're like shit the guys are on the road they're on they're doing some training camp interviews for next week's training camp tour week this is going to suck because you won't get any sirens during the episode fear not we have one of the best sirens of all time in the david spade interview it's got to be it's a doozy doozy.

Speaker 1 It was loud. He actually stopped in the middle of the interview and he looked around.
He was like, Is that serious? Is this a bit? Are we doing a bit right now? We're like, kind of.

Speaker 1 That's the beauty of our show: we take the very worst accidental qualities and then turn it into an intentional bit. Right.
So, yeah, it was a joke. Pranks on you, Dad.

Speaker 1 So I know you were probably like, oh my God, these guys are in a hotel room.

Speaker 1 I might not get pulled over on the way to work today. Nope.
He's still going to get it. So we have two interviews coming up.
David Spade

Speaker 1 Jordan. If you're wondering if we all share a hotel room on the road, we do yeah so we're building the fort

Speaker 1 and uh we're gonna pod maybe podcast later on this week from there yeah exactly so uh the other big news our guy brooks kepka blake kepka is the greatest golfer of all time

Speaker 1 this year when the st.

Speaker 1 Jude tournament so I don't understand how it works but I just know that this one triggered all the other finishes and now he won it all so he's in first place overall and first place in FedEx points which means something He can't be caught.

Speaker 1 He wants to go to money. It's not bad to be in first place in FedEx.
That's all I know. Don't really know how that playoff system works.

Speaker 1 Basically, just golf wants to stay relevant through football season. And the way they could do it is they're like, hey, let's just do a playoff.
Basically, it comes down to our guy.

Speaker 1 We've never had a number one golfer for the show until this past year. And funny enough, he also is the number one golfer in the world.
Funny how that works.

Speaker 1 It comes down to our guy against the world.

Speaker 1 The world is

Speaker 1 miles, miles behind. We are fucking the center of the earth right now.
Skull fucked the world. I'm putting my Brooks kept

Speaker 1 putting my dick in a geyser and just speging down into the mantle of the crust. The big one? Oh, yeah.
Yeah. If California slides in the ocean tomorrow, it's because I nutted too hard.

Speaker 1 I want to say this right now. If you ever want to get super high and get really scared, look up the super volcano.
That shit's going to blow. We're all fucked.
Yeah, we're all

Speaker 1 Except Brooks. He's got so much money, he can build a biodome, and we can maybe be invited.

Speaker 1 He's also in South Africa, which is as far away from Montana as you can possibly get. True.
So Brooks is the best. Training camps continue to open.

Speaker 1 By the way, I have not seen a tweet from Brandel Chambles.

Speaker 1 Every time I go in to type his name into Twitter, I don't even know how to spell it because I mess it up so many times. Brixless Chamblas.
Yeah,

Speaker 1 Brandy Chambies.

Speaker 1 Brandy Chastain. He is yet to tweet or take off his top, and so we're going to wait for that.
Not confirmed. But Gucci Gang rides on.
Brooks is the golf of the year.

Speaker 1 We'll get him back on soon to talk about just dominating the fuck out of the golf world. You know what the shitty part we don't care about.

Speaker 1 The shitty part about having a golfer that's our friend that's so good at golf is like I don't want to have him on every week. He wants too much.
Like,

Speaker 1 we don't need to talk to Blake every single week. But the nice thing is, Brooks doesn't like golf as much as we don't like golf.
Yeah. So it's like,

Speaker 1 we are are the we're the original punk rockers of golf. Yeah.
Fuck you, golf. We hate golf, but we win it all the time.

Speaker 1 Yeah. All right.
So other news.

Speaker 1 We had more training camps. All the training camps have started.
That official moment where every single training camp has reported.

Speaker 1 Adam Schefter usually does a tweet like the Texans, the Raiders, the Broncos, and the Seahawks all report tomorrow. And then all 32 teams have reported.
And it's like, yes, we're here. It feels good.

Speaker 1 We're starting some training camp tour interviews. Next week, football will officially be back on this show.
And Antonio Brown's still a jackass, and he came in a hot air balloon.

Speaker 1 That's pretty great, though. I kind of like that.
Except for the fact that he didn't practice the first day.

Speaker 1 You can't get any more ridiculous than that. I'm trying to think

Speaker 1 of transportation that's more likely to piss off John Gruden than arriving in a hot air balloon. And I don't think that one exists.
Like a zip line.

Speaker 1 Maybe he had zip lined from like the top of the Golden Gate Bridge all the way into the stadium. Yeah.
I don't know. If he had been carried in

Speaker 1 by a group of sick children, like he was Cleopatra, maybe that would have pissed him off. Maybe a little bit more.
Hoverboard of some kind, some kind of drone.

Speaker 1 I feel like John Gruden doesn't like anything that's new technology-wise. Right.
So, yeah, maybe like, oh, maybe if Antonio Brown showed up as a Tupac hologram, it was like, I'll be here later.

Speaker 1 If holograms show up, yeah, that would probably piss him off a lot. Yeah, by the way, let's squat on that.
That will happen eventually in the next 10 years.

Speaker 1 A hologram will arrive for the player, and then they'll show up later. I can't do the greatest entrance.
I can't wait for the football coach, whoever it is, to react to that. Yes.

Speaker 1 Well, one day football is just going to be played by holograms. Yes.
And we know it's going.

Speaker 1 Another thing football is going to be played by, the other big story, is every running back ever thinking that they still deserve money and that football is still in like 1984.

Speaker 1 Well, so I get it with Ezekiel Elliott. This is the take I'm willing to squat on.
Okay. I would pay Ezekiel Elliott first.
I would pay him before Dak. I'd pay him before Amari.
I agree with you.

Speaker 1 I think he's worth it. Melvin Gordon, he's awesome, but I don't know that he's worth as much as he wants to be paid.

Speaker 1 Ezekiel Elliott has been the best running back in the league, numbers-wise, barring his

Speaker 1 suspension. He was suspended for, what, how many games? Well, when he jumped into the Salvation Army thing and stole all the money.
No, no, no, but didn't he miss the start of a season?

Speaker 1 Yes.

Speaker 1 Yeah, right. But if you look at all his numbers, he can really take the top off.
The last three or four years, he's been worth it.

Speaker 1 I would agree. I don't know.
I wouldn't pay any running back. I wouldn't pay any running back.
You just have him work for free. Yeah.
I wouldn't. Internship.
Tell you what.

Speaker 1 We'll give you a job for the experience.

Speaker 1 You can make slideshows for us. It'll be like the bleacher report model of running backs.
Obviously, I'd pay him, but I wouldn't pay him more. I wouldn't pay him the max bunny.

Speaker 1 I mean, Todd Gurley's knee is never.

Speaker 1 That's a story we're just not talking about.

Speaker 1 Todd Gurley. Carefully.
Remember Todd Gurley? You don't know his HIPAA. Cam Newton doesn't know how to throw because his shoulders come out of his socket a million times.

Speaker 1 Todd Gurley's knee doesn't work anymore. Yeah.
So, yeah, you're right. There are a lot of holdouts, and then you got Trent Richardson.
I think he's just breaking up with the Redskins. Is he holding?

Speaker 1 Oh, no, he's just breaking up with him. Wait, so he's still under contract.
Wait, wait, you just said Trent Richardson. Oh, sorry, not Trent Richardson.
I was like, is Trent Richardson holding out

Speaker 1 our movie? Trent Richardson has been holding out for the last four years from the NFL. And because they just won't pay him enough money,

Speaker 1 which is anything above $0. Someone would be like, you know what? Let's end this holdout.
Trent Richardson, come on back. My holdout, I'm currently a free agent, but I'm holding out as well.

Speaker 1 Now, Trent Williams has broken up with the Redskins because he doesn't trust their team, which is just

Speaker 1 very smart,

Speaker 1 probably the smartest thing any NFL player has ever done. But he had like, the reason that he doesn't trust their medical staff is he had like an off-season scalp surgery.
Yeah.

Speaker 1 And then they misdiagnosed it, and his doctor was like, yeah, you need the scalp surgery. He's like, okay, I'm not playing for the team anymore.
So I don't know what's going on there.

Speaker 1 Never mind. What? Nothing.

Speaker 1 Yeah, no, we're not going to go there. Yeah, yeah.
No, no. No.
The other story is the

Speaker 1 moving on.

Speaker 1 No one's going to play wide receiver for the Giants. That's great.
Well, Tates

Speaker 1 suspended for four games.

Speaker 1 Who else got someone got Corey Coleman? The fact that they were taking Corey Coleman's out for the year, like, dude, Corey Coleman stinks. He's always out for the year.
He's not good.

Speaker 1 He's been on like six teams, and he was a Baylor wide receiver. Right.

Speaker 1 So it's Corey Coleman Shepard is out too because he broke his thumb because Eli Manning's arm's too strong, and he threw a pass and it broke his thumb.

Speaker 1 And if I was going back through the list of Giants wide receivers that have played with Eli Manning, there's something wrong with Eli. Eli injures his wide receivers.
Or has him shoot themselves.

Speaker 1 Yeah, so no, let's go through the list because that was on my list. Plaxco Burris shot himself.
Yes. Okay, number two,

Speaker 1 Hakeem Nicks. He was just...
constantly injured. He came into the league injured, never got right.

Speaker 1 You go down the list even further. Victor Cruz.
Who said he's ready to come back? Ted Cruz.

Speaker 1 Yeah, but he's ready to come back. Well, he's quit a while ago.
Well, now he's going to come back. He's at ESPN right now, but once he sees the depth chart, he's like, yeah, I could work there.

Speaker 1 But yeah, Taurus Patello Tyndon. Odell Beckham, he was always hurt.
JPP had

Speaker 1 hand injuries as well. Not a wide receiver, but still.
Not a wide receiver, but still

Speaker 1 was one of the locker room devastations caused by Eli Manning. Well, here's the thing.
You're probably sitting here saying, oh, my God, what are the Giants going to do?

Speaker 1 Well, I'll tell you what they're going to do because they've made an official statement that they've Saquon play every position.

Speaker 1 No, the Giants are going to stick with Eli Manning as long as they're in playoff contention. So Eli Manning is no longer the starting quarterback.
Well, no, until week seven. Yeah.

Speaker 1 Well, I mean, they are not in playoff contention as of right now. They are.
They're not in playoff contention. It's oh my gosh.
They're at the top of the league. Yeah, top of the table.
That is.

Speaker 1 Undefeated. That's true.
That's true. Wait,

Speaker 1 alphabetically speaking,

Speaker 1 are they in first place in the NFC?

Speaker 1 I don't know how they do it. So there's the R-words.
No, the Cowboys are in first place. The Cowboys are in first place.
Cowboys are in first place. They're already out.
They're already out.

Speaker 1 Giants are wild card, though. Giants are wildcard.
Let's do our who's back, and then we'll get to our Mount Rushmore of annoying airport people. Hank, start with our who's back.

Speaker 5 My who's back of the week is LeBron Ball.

Speaker 1 So

Speaker 1 he was at his son's AAU tournament. I like it.
I like it, Hank. Go off.

Speaker 5 Son was playing in the championship of some AAU shit. LeBron got in the layoff line.
Yeah, he did. He was literally in the layoff line.

Speaker 1 It was like throwing down dunks.

Speaker 5 He should have got a technical foul. Like they scoring

Speaker 5 the rain on the court, was celebrating with the team.

Speaker 1 You're not allowed to dunk in the layup line. That is a technical foul.

Speaker 5 No, and you're definitely not allowed to run on the court as a fan. He's just there watching your son play and you're just running on the court.

Speaker 5 You should get arrested.

Speaker 1 Most people will get kicked out of the player safety issue. Yes.
How come when you see a guy go up on a baseball field from the stance to try to shake the batter's hand in a hilarious video?

Speaker 1 How come that guy gets arrested and LeBron James just gets to go back on the sidelines it's a player safety issue it's also a basket safety issue he could have broken the goal delayed the game who knows how long and he was in the locker room celebrating with the team after it's like if you're gonna care that much you should just coach and if you're not gonna coach you should let the team celebrate as a team he's he's selfish it's it's just it's fucked up i feel bad for the kids he's essentially a shooter from hoosiers uh who's that dustin uh what was i always get his wrong hoffman no it's not des hopper yeah des hopper yes he's drunk walking on the court, and he's embarrassing his son.

Speaker 1 That is Hoosiers. That is plot to Hoosiers.
And you know what? This is just a microcosm of what we see in our society of just drunk pitch invaders everywhere.

Speaker 1 He's a symptom. I don't blame LeBron.
I blame the culture of sports blogs out there that glorify that sort of thing.

Speaker 5 I blame LeBron.

Speaker 1 You know what? Let's take a stand. That clip is so funny of him dunking in the layup line.
And people are mad because

Speaker 1 I tweeted about how I will never do that to my son because I'm a good father and I won't dunk in any layup lines. But people are saying that all you LeBron haters just hate on everything.

Speaker 1 It's a cool moment. I don't know, man.
Seemed pretty dangerous. Seemed like he was taking time away from the kids.

Speaker 1 Seemed like the rim probably, the next dunk that goes down, the backboard's going to come down. Yeah,

Speaker 1 just get prepared for the game you're about to play. LeBron's not playing in the game.

Speaker 1 Well, no, see, as a LeBron stand, I kind of see the other side because he'll take any chance to get on the court with teammates that he hasn't alienated yet. Yeah.

Speaker 1 So, like, the fact that these kids don't hate him. Wait, wait, wait.
You don't think he's tried to trade Brownie Jr. as the teammates yet? I don't know.

Speaker 1 I can't confirm.

Speaker 1 I don't know. I'm saying I haven't seen the reports.

Speaker 1 Okay, so the alternate sides, because we'll give a, in fairness, both sides, it would probably be cool to have LeBron James dunking in your layup line if you're like a kid who's never going to amount to anything in basketball.

Speaker 1 Yeah, but imagine. If you're a kid who just plays in an AAU team, you're not going to go to college to play basketball.

Speaker 1 You can be like, that one time LeBron dunked in the layup line, but that point is erroneous simply because i don't like lebron imagine shooting like a ball and having to worry about drunk lebron lashing out at you and like telling him to pass imagine if he fell into a kid and he tore stacey

Speaker 1 if you did like a windmill 360 and fell into a kid i mean it could happen it could happen it really could it really could and the fact that he did two dunks you know what you know how one dunk one dunk is okay one dunk spur of the moment you're excited you want to get out there and the first dunk that he did he didn't even really touch the rim he like jumped above it and did the dwight Howard throwdown thing.

Speaker 1 That's not even that cool.

Speaker 1 If you're going to go out there and do a dunk, do a windmill, throw it off the backboard, he realizes his first dunk sucked and probably took away from the motivation of his team. Right.
Exactly.

Speaker 1 Is he a coach on that team, by the way?

Speaker 1 Well, I mean, he's the coach is definitely looking over his shoulder. Well, yeah, that's what coaches do around LeBron.
I'm always, always like, uh-oh.

Speaker 1 He's probably just doing these dunks to hide from the fact that Taco Tuesday's racist. Well, let's also talk about the fact that, yeah,

Speaker 1 have you seen that take? People have that take i i i i typed in lebron taco tuesday to watch the video and it auto-completed lebron taco tuesday is racist

Speaker 1 well i i would be more offended because tacos well one we all know they're awesome you just not name like this racist because

Speaker 1 well he did no no no no no a little bit of a

Speaker 1 they at the end of one they gave tacos the worst day of the week yeah it should be tacos taco friday would be awesome that's true that's true taco saturday night pretty dope that's great too nothing racist about that.

Speaker 1 Once you start saying taco Tuesday, Taco Wednesday brunch, it's problematic. Very problematic.
It's problematic.

Speaker 1 PFT, what do you have? Well, my who's back of the week was going to be Eli because he's out there breaking his receiver's hands.

Speaker 1 But instead, I'm going to go, I'm going to switch up. Skip Bayless is back.
Skip Bayless has he has been hurting recently because Stephen A. Smith has been getting all the spotlight.

Speaker 1 Everyone's talking about Stephen A. Smith.
He's about to get $10 million from ESPN. He's everywhere.
He's forgetting players' names that haven't even been born yet. He's killing it.

Speaker 1 Skip Bayless had to get his name in the news, so he did an interview. I think it was with the Sporting News on Friday, and he came out as a communist.
Skip Bayless is a communist.

Speaker 1 He was like, I'm a communist, man. I've never gotten along well with the white establishment, man.
I don't play by the rules. So shout out to Skip Bayless.

Speaker 1 He's got $20 million in his career of just being a hot take artist. Exactly.
It pays pretty well.

Speaker 1 I mean, like, he doesn't like LeBron James, and LeBron James, he's gotten many coaches fired, and he's a job creator. So as a communist, Skip Bayless is fighting back against the bourgeois

Speaker 1 class. But yeah, so it's actually interesting because Stephen A.
Smith has been talking about Donald Trump recently in like glowing terms because I guess Donald Trump gave Stephen A.

Speaker 1 Smith some good advice early in his career. Now Skip Bayless is coming out hardcore left.
This is all tying back to my theory that they just want to get back together and debate.

Speaker 1 They're even debating against each other when they're not talking to each other. They should just go so hard on each political spectrum that they meet in the middle.
Or the other end.

Speaker 1 They come out the ass end. The horseshoe theory.
Yeah, they come out the ass end. We're all the same.
They become fascists. Yeah, we're all the same when we put people in camps.
Right, exactly.

Speaker 1 That kind of bullshit. Yeah.
Yeah, so Skip Bayless. I think he's, I mean, let's be real.

Speaker 1 I can see a world like 10 years from now, 15 years from now, where the two candidates for president are Skip Bayless and Stephen A. Smith.
And then they're together. And then they're co-president.

Speaker 1 Yeah, they're debating, and they realize that they love debating each other so much much in the final debate that they just kiss and form a super ticket.

Speaker 1 I think you just remade House of Cards season eight. There we go.
I don't know what happened in season seven. Yeah, they cancel it.
We had it open for season eight. I'm sure there's a plot opening.

Speaker 1 We can't talk about house of cards.

Speaker 1 All right, my who's back is Hank growing up.

Speaker 1 So Hank tweeted today that he's working on a two-day hangover. And our little boy's all grown up.
So you're 26 now? 26. This is right when it's...

Speaker 1 You still have your prime drinking years still left. Maybe not prime drinking years.
That's a little bit younger, but you still have some years left.

Speaker 1 However, the two-day hangover, once it pops up, it will always stay in your mind. And I said the three-day is when it's over.

Speaker 1 I remember vividly, I went on a bachelor party like three years ago, and I was still hungover on Wednesday. And I was like, that's it.
Yep.

Speaker 1 But you, this is like the first time you had a heartburn a couple years ago. It's so great watching you grow.

Speaker 2 I'm very proud of you.

Speaker 5 Yeah, we went to Chapel Hill like last week for a rough and rowdy and I was like, damn, it's been like four years since I've been here as a 21-year-old. Fuck, like, I'm old.
Yes.

Speaker 5 It's all starting to hit me. Two-day hangover.

Speaker 1 Hank, I would say that, yeah, 26 is like, that's prime drinking years.

Speaker 1 You have,

Speaker 1 here's what's going to happen. Since you got your first two days.
I couldn't. Since you got your first two-day hangover,

Speaker 1 Big Cat's right.

Speaker 1 It's going to be in the back of your head the next time that you drink. And that's what makes it even worse.
And you're going to get more and more of them because you'll start drinking.

Speaker 1 And then you'll think, oh shit, I'm going to be hungover for two days.

Speaker 1 And then you'll psych yourself into actually having the two-day hangover. You're like Derek Rose after his first ACL going up for a dunk, being like, will it happen again?

Speaker 1 It's always going to be in that like 100% explosiveness is now gone. We should start 95 and it might go down.

Speaker 5 Think about like 60.

Speaker 1 Okay. We should start betting against LeBron like three days after holidays because he's at that age when he's going to get the three-day hangover.

Speaker 1 Only Taco Tuesday. All right, before we get to our Mount Rushmore, good Boys.

Speaker 1 What if the guys who made some of the most outrageous R-rated comedies like Super Bad and Sausage Party decided to make an R-rated comedy starring 12-year-old boys? Well, they did.

Speaker 1 And the result is this hilarious new movie. Good Boys.

Speaker 1 Good Boys follows three in over their heads, sixth graders as they skip school one day to do whatever it takes to learn how to kiss before their first middle school party.

Speaker 1 The thing is, they're just completely clueless about all the inappropriate situations they get themselves into along the way, like accidentally getting involved in a drug deal, causing crazy car crashes, and mistaking sex toys, nunchucks.

Speaker 1 You've definitely never seen a movie like this before. It's so funny watching these innocent 12-year-olds try to navigate an adult world full of sex, drugs, violence, and profanity.

Speaker 1 It's super inappropriate and R-rated, but there's also a sweetness to the movie with the boys' friendships at the center of it all.

Speaker 1 And ever since South by Southwest, early on audiences and critics have been raving about Good Boys, saying that you'll laugh for 90 minutes straight.

Speaker 1 They're calling it delightfully inappropriate, wildly raunchy, and undeniably sweet. Check out Good Boys in Theaters, August 16th.
All right. Mount Rushmore

Speaker 1 of annoying travel people. Can I? Airport people.
Set some ground rules up front. Sure.

Speaker 1 You said travel people.

Speaker 1 Airport people. Does this include on the plane? Yeah.
Okay. Yeah, yeah.
It's a full trip. It's the minute you show up to the minute you get back in a car.
Gotcha.

Speaker 1 Before we do that, though, we need the AWL's help. So, Bubba, our fourth producer or fourth member of the show who we love who we love

Speaker 1 he had a little bit of jimbo today so we flew to Cleveland we had a big interview for training camp week next week and Bubba was just nowhere to be seen we were supposed to meet he and I were supposed to meet at the at the uh front door so that we could pay for the check bags texted him texted him called him nothing He called me 10 minutes before our flight saying, I slept through my alarms and I'm not here.

Speaker 1 And he had like half the equipment that we needed for the interview in his backs.

Speaker 1 Now, I do understand that Bubba has had issues in the past with alarms because when we were on Grit Week, I was in the room across the hall from him, and every morning his alarm would wake me up, and I'd have to go into his room, and his phone would be right next to his head going off, but he would be asleep.

Speaker 1 And I'd be like, Bubba, get your phone. And then he'd wake up and turn it off.
So we talk a lot of shit about Hank not being a morning person, but he is growing up. Yeah.
He's growing up. Growing up.

Speaker 1 He hasn't been able to get the best. He's the flyovers and heartburn.

Speaker 1 He might puke on the plane from takeoff and motion sickness, but he'll be there on time. But Bubba missed this one.
So Bubba, do you want to explain what happened real quick to the people?

Speaker 1 Because this is, I mean, trust is at an all-time low. You know that.
Yes. You know that.

Speaker 7 No, I'm very well aware.

Speaker 7 Yeah, I'm just the worst morning person ever.

Speaker 1 I didn't even do anything last night. Like, I didn't go out.
We texted at 11 with a plan, 11 p.m.

Speaker 7 No, I was literally sitting on that couch when I texted you, like had my bag packed and everything.

Speaker 1 Just usually go.

Speaker 1 I have to go

Speaker 5 like laptop alarm and phone alarm.

Speaker 1 Laptop alarm is a crazy thing. Wow.

Speaker 1 That's an insane movie. Yeah.

Speaker 7 I put a program on my computer so it like never closes.

Speaker 1 So what happened? Both went off? Did you wake up with both alarms just blaring? Yeah.

Speaker 1 I swear,

Speaker 1 there's just something wrong with me. I'm like the heaviest.
Okay, I actually had an idea to address this exact sort of thing because I know a lot of people that sleep through alarms.

Speaker 1 There should be a pain alarm. Like an alarm where

Speaker 1 when it goes off, it buzzes you. You could use it.
Either that or like emits a little bit of pepper spray into the room so you wake up, your eyes are watering.

Speaker 1 Kind of like smelling salts for yourself. Okay.
So that might be one of the solutions. Actually, you know what? So this is what we're going to do.
I'll mace you every morning at 8 o'clock.

Speaker 1 Well, all right. So the first thing is we need people to figure out a way to get Bubba to never have this happen again.

Speaker 1 The second thing we're going to do is you have a punishment and going to decide, we're all going to throw one out there, and then the AWLs are going to get to decide the fourth, and then we're going to vote on it.

Speaker 1 Okay? So, I guess my punishment actually will be: you have to wear a shot collar. Just around? Yeah, for a week.
He doesn't really talk that much, though. Well, if he falls asleep, we'll shock him.

Speaker 1 Tell you what, you'll have to wear a shot collar, and we'll ask you a lot of questions. Yeah.
And we'll, yeah, okay. We'll shock you once.
We'll tase you once.

Speaker 1 That's probably not right. But, okay, so my idea is do something with a shot collar.
Okay. Open.
Shock collar involved. What is yours, PFT?

Speaker 1 Mine is that for a week, let's call it a week and a half, you have to take Uber pools everywhere you go instead of document it and document it. And screenshot it.
And document it.

Speaker 1 And then tell us the stories about the fun people that you got to meet along the way. And explain to people why you're wearing a shot collar while you're in them.

Speaker 5 Mine is that you have to sing Take On Me for the end of the show.

Speaker 1 Full that's a pretty good one, too. Full rendition.
Full send, full song. How about Electric Avenue, too? Okay.
Both. I don't know.
I want people to to listen to the show

Speaker 1 okay all right so take on me full rendition a cappella yep okay all right and so now the fourth option will be the best tweet that gets the most likes when we tweet out the show uh and you get to this part and then we will put it in a poll in the afternoon and we'll decide well bubba do you have any suggestions no for what your punishment should be punishment yeah yeah okay all right That's what I do around here.

Speaker 1 Okay. That's very true.
Maybe we'll, you know what? Instead of shot collar, because that's probably too mean, like hazing.

Speaker 1 Like, let's just say you have to take, let's say you have to go to a sleep study on your own dime. That would be my choice.

Speaker 1 So you have to go get a sleep study and figure out what the fuck is wrong with you. That sounds expensive.
Yeah. I don't even know what that is.
It is. Yeah.
I'll find it and you'll go to it. Okay.

Speaker 1 So that will be my choice. Sleep study for Bubba.
And then the fourth is for the AWS. All right.
So Mount Rushmore of annoying travel people

Speaker 1 off the board is already the producer that just sleeps through both of his alarms and misses a big interview.

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Speaker 1 Shit.

Speaker 5 I won money last time.

Speaker 1 So I think it's you.

Speaker 1 Me, then you. Then me.
Then Hank. Yeah.
Okay. All right.
My first pick.

Speaker 1 I'm going to go with, I kind of have to do this because it's a little bit of my brand, but I'm just going to go the complainer, the airline complainer at the gate.

Speaker 1 who has decided that this travel, like whatever happened to them is the worst thing in the world and it's not like every other travel minor inconvenience you've had.

Speaker 1 They yell, they scream, they berate people, they make a scene, and they make it so much worse for everyone else.

Speaker 1 Yeah, my favorite is when there's like a hardcore storm and a plane's not taking off, and they get pissed off about it. How could this plane not be going off? Well, dude, look the fuck outside.

Speaker 1 Listen, if you're at the airport and there's an hour long or more travel delay, that's God telling you to go drink an airport beer. Yes, so the travel complainer is my number one.

Speaker 1 Obviously, they're going to tweet too. They'll probably stand there and tweet as well.
And then I'll have to help them if they have a blue check.

Speaker 1 Imagine tweeting at an airline if you don't have a blue check. Oh,

Speaker 1 that's why I never do it. Never do it.
Yeah. So, travel complainer, number one.
All right. My number one:

Speaker 1 this is, I think, a pretty common one for a lot of people. Okay.
The barefoot person on the plane. The person who puts their feet up and there are just toes everywhere.
It's just gross.

Speaker 1 I don't care how clean your feet are. When I look at a foot, I assume it's dirty and I imagine the smell, even if it doesn't stink.
Question:

Speaker 1 Socks on, shoes off, cross-country.

Speaker 1 That can be appropriate. Okay.
I think that's fair. Over three hours, I think it's okay.
At times, as long as you keep your feet under the seat.

Speaker 1 Yeah, like if you have a night flight, if you're a red-eye, that's fair. That's fair.
But the second that you bring your feet, your stockinged feet above knee level, then we've got problems.

Speaker 1 Bro, if you're going from Jersey to Pittsburgh, keep the fucking shoes on. Right.
Okay. Hank, you got two.
I got two. He flies from Jersey to Pittsburgh.
I don't know.

Speaker 1 That's probably just a stinky flight. Oh, fucking dude.
Goodfellows.

Speaker 1 Oh, is that Goodfellow? Is that what they're going to do? Yeah, I thought you're going to be a cocaine transport. Probably Ross Tucker.
Yeah. I think he makes that flight a lot too.

Speaker 5 I will go with the easy one. I feel like this is common, too.
The people that get up way too early, like, this flight is about to board.

Speaker 5 We're going to start with first class and people in the armed services. And then everyone just stands up.
Wait, wait.

Speaker 1 Are you saying that you don't think that troops should be allowed to do it? No, I'm saying if you're in group five and they start to get started.

Speaker 1 What if there's a war that happens at the other end of the flight and they need to get off first?

Speaker 5 You're in group five, and the first thing they always say is we're going to start boarding with first class and the troops, which is very fair. The troops should go on first before first class.

Speaker 5 That's not what I'm saying. I'm saying if you're in group five and you go and then stand and just wait at the gate, I hate you.

Speaker 1 But I do that and you do that.

Speaker 2 Big Cat.

Speaker 1 You do that, Hank. No, Big Cat bullies people into doing it.
Yes, confirmed. Yes, Hank.
Hank was yourself. Hatred people.

Speaker 1 No, here's the behind the scenes.

Speaker 1 Here's the behind the scenes because there are very few things that really like that I don't like about you guys because I like most of the stuff that you do.

Speaker 1 But let's get it out of here. I don't like the fact that Big Cat will always go like three boarding groups ahead of his assigned group.
All right, we're ready. Here's what I'm ready.

Speaker 1 But he does bully people. He bullies Hank into going without anything.
So Hank does it. Yes, no, no, no, no, no.

Speaker 5 I like to live life on the edge, Big Cat.

Speaker 1 I'm a little bit of a wild boy. Sometimes if I'm in group five, I'll just fucking go up there.
Same. But that's not.
That's not.

Speaker 1 That's the exact same thing. No, no, no, no.

Speaker 5 I don't wait.

Speaker 1 Oh, I don't wait either. No, I don't wait, PFI.
I take my turn. No, no, no, wait.
I wait for my turn. I just clarify.
I just go on.

Speaker 1 Because what you're saying is I agree that that I do what Hank just said. We do that together.
We just say, fuck it. We're just going to go with group one.

Speaker 1 But we don't go and stand and like pound right up at the door. No, you don't clog the eye.
No, no, no, no. I don't do that.
We just break the law. Yeah, we break the law.
Yeah, you just break the law.

Speaker 1 Good clarification. I'm fine with what we do, Hank.
Wouldn't you say? Yeah. That's a bad boy look.
Yeah, wild boy.

Speaker 1 Listen. I know that this is probably going to be bad because now if everyone does it, it will never work.
Yeah. But they never,

Speaker 1 they never like, hey, you're group five, not group two. They just don't.
They don't.

Speaker 2 You just get to go.

Speaker 1 I think it's a dirty move. Okay.
You guys need to have some sympathy for the airlines and the employees that work there.

Speaker 2 That's what I'm saying. That's fine.

Speaker 1 I hope the next time you tweet at an airline, they're like, fuck you. We're not going to help you out at all because you break our rules.
Well, I never tweet for myself, so it's for anyone else.

Speaker 1 It's helping someone else out.

Speaker 5 People that sit next to me that are larger than 6'4.

Speaker 1 Oh, nice cutoff. Okay.
Safe. A little bit heightist.
Yeah. That's fine.
Why? I mean, what's this?

Speaker 5 Mountain Rushmore off?

Speaker 1 Yeah, yeah. No, no, that's not.

Speaker 1 Ordering travel people. Yeah.
I love when I sit next to like a 5-8 dude because it's like, you don't need space. I know.
It's great. They're so small.
They'll put you in my pocket.

Speaker 1 My next one is going to be.

Speaker 1 Well, it's a close relative of what Hank just said. The guy that

Speaker 1 people that don't know how to exit a plane. I think I mentioned this on another Mount Rushmore.

Speaker 1 It's exodus. That's my favorite chapter of the Bible.

Speaker 1 But no, when you get up to leave a plane the second that it lands and you clog the fucking aisle and nobody can get out of their seats, there's a reason that there's an order to get out of the plane.

Speaker 1 Yes, I just said it was one of the, we were talking about airlines, but this is annoying travel. It's a good pick.
It is. He needs all the help he can get.
Shut the fuck up.

Speaker 1 It is actually. I was going to do this number one,

Speaker 1 but then I thought about feet. Okay.
And then I was like, yeah, that's good.

Speaker 1 All right. My next pick, I'm going to go hot food on the plane guy who brings it in with him.

Speaker 1 Dude, if you're bringing like a whole Chinese food and then popping it open right when we sit down, you're an asshole. And it smells everywhere.
That's the worst.

Speaker 2 Just eat it outside.

Speaker 1 Is it possible for hot food to smell good on a plane? No, I don't think so. I think it could be like the best-smelling meal in the world.
Cinnabon.

Speaker 1 And in the, no, even a Cinnabon, in the context of a plane, you smell it and you assume the worst. Also, a tuna.
Like, if so, dude, if you do a tuna,

Speaker 1 that's you should be canceled. Shrimp.
You shouldn't eat shrimp. Yeah.
You see people do that, though. Or people will bring like a Tupperware with their leftover food from home.
Beans.

Speaker 1 Like, what are you doing?

Speaker 1 All right. So that's my next one.
And I'll go with my third pick. I'm going to go with

Speaker 1 cell phone talker on the plane or at the gate. Super loud.
No one can go anywhere. And you're just having a full-on conversation in everyone's face.

Speaker 1 It's the same person everywhere. Like, that person just goes through their life and they're just an asshole with everyone they get in touch with.

Speaker 1 Okay.

Speaker 1 All right.

Speaker 1 My next one is going to be the person that drives the little motorized cart through the airport with the smallest,

Speaker 1 like most silent horn ever invented. They don't even really have a horn.
It's just a guy going like, yeah, yeah. And they almost run you over every single time.
Catch you off guard.

Speaker 1 And those things go pretty quick, too. They go probably 15, 20 miles an hour.
Yeah. They could kill somebody.
Yes. Yes.
That's a good pick. All right, Hank.
You got your last two.

Speaker 5 The person who, when it's at the gate, they put their seat and luggage on the seat next to them so that the seat's not open. So if there's nowhere to sit, and then you have to go and be like,

Speaker 5 hey, is someone sitting there? Can you move your shit? I want to sit down because this is a fucking seat, not a place to put your bag.

Speaker 1 That's annoying. That's a good one.

Speaker 5 Okay. And then my last one.

Speaker 5 I don't know. People that don't clap when the plane lands.

Speaker 1 That's a good pick. We just came.
I freaking love

Speaker 1 it.

Speaker 5 30,000 feet in the sky. You were just flying in the air and the pilot landed on the ground safely.
Hank, you should have traveled hundreds and hundreds of miles in the air,

Speaker 5 and you're not going to clap and appreciate what the pilot just did for you.

Speaker 1 Let me ask you a question, Hank. You just went on vacation to Bermuda, Bahamas?

Speaker 1 It's tough for

Speaker 1 Bahamas.

Speaker 1 Everyone clapped when they landed, right? Oh, yeah.

Speaker 1 When you go to an island vacation, everyone claps. It's awesome.
It is.

Speaker 5 There's also nothing better than, like, sometimes I ironically will just start a clap. Like, I'll do one just to see if I can get it going.

Speaker 1 I do that in movies sometimes, too. Yeah, it's tough unless you're going on vacation, like an island vacation or Vegas.
people will clap for the Vegas land. No, but sometimes they're all drunk.

Speaker 5 Sometimes, like, sometimes, if like, I'll just start like a one-two, and then they'll get like five or six people off spectral.

Speaker 1 I agree with you. People that clap, people that didn't live in the uh immediate post-9-11 era will never understand this.
But for the next like year, when your plane would land, everybody would clap.

Speaker 1 Oh, yeah. It was like such a relief.
Enchant USA. Yeah, chant USS.

Speaker 1 Not really, but kind of. I flew, I flew like

Speaker 1 there was a plane crash in New York that happened like a month after 9-11. Sully? And

Speaker 1 everybody thought it was terrorism, right?

Speaker 1 And so, I flew that day right after that plane crash. Nobody knew if it was terrorism or not.
And when we landed, everybody like stood up and applauded, like, high-five their neighbor.

Speaker 1 Like, we got Ripkins standing up. We did it together, yeah.
The pilot made a lap around the plane on a horse with way bodge.

Speaker 1 Um, my, so my last pick, this is an easy one: uh, person that shits in the airplane bathroom.

Speaker 1 It's okay, especially if you happen to be in that last row. But you

Speaker 1 look like well, you're you're a shitter in an airplane bathroom. I've never shit in an airplane bathroom.
Dude, what?

Speaker 1 Oh,

Speaker 1 I thought you meant airport. Okay, all right.
Yes, airport bathroom. Airport bathroom.
I poop every time I get off the plane.

Speaker 1 Yeah. Okay.
Hank may look like he is a serial airport bathroom.

Speaker 5 I am of the belief that when you have to poop, you poop.

Speaker 1 PFT? True, but you are

Speaker 2 true.

Speaker 1 No, I know. I held it.
I held it.

Speaker 1 That's a direct refutation of Hank's point.

Speaker 5 Like, people shit on me for shitting in jail. And it's like, I was in jail for 13 hours.

Speaker 1 I had to poop.

Speaker 5 I'm on the plane for five hours. You're going to poop.

Speaker 1 Okay, you're going to poop. You're going to hurt yourself.
You don't poop yourself. It ruins the traveling experience for everybody.

Speaker 1 All right. My last pick is going to be the TSA guy who asked too many questions.
The agent, when you have to give them your ID,

Speaker 1 you ever get the one where it's like, what's your name? Or where are you flying? And it's the easiest question, but you always blank. You're like, oh, oh, shit, what is my name?

Speaker 1 Because you think you're in trouble. That one always fucks me up.
It always spins me out. Like you get up there and they're like, so where are you flying? And you're like, Tim's house.

Speaker 1 You're like, what? Like, I mean, fucking Minnesota. I don't know.
And you have a connecting flight sometimes. You're like, do you want to know which airport I'm laying over in?

Speaker 1 I don't know what it is about the TSA because they just, for some reason, they're not even cops. You're not even real cops.
But you show up and they're like, what's your name? And

Speaker 1 you like stutter because you just can't get it right away because you don't expect it.

Speaker 1 You know what the worst is when that happens when you're flying out of the Vegas airport and you're at the start of a three-day hangover and your brain doesn't connect to your mouth just yet?

Speaker 1 The worst. Yeah, that was tough.
I was trying to explain what the hell. I had a

Speaker 1 keg tap in my bag when I was flying back and they were asking me what that was and I just couldn't get the words out. And so, you know what? I just said, just throw it away.

Speaker 1 Dude, there's always one TSA agent who just thinks he's like, he thinks he is like, you know, an FBI agent and just grilling everyone and just doing the whole thing where it just fucks everyone up.

Speaker 1 All right. Any honorable mentions? I had the person who stands on the moving walkway.
Come on. Like, the whole reason for the moving walkway is that you feel like you're going super fast.

Speaker 1 At least move to the right.

Speaker 5 And Cheetah. The small talker and the seat next to you.

Speaker 1 I just don't even, I won't even acknowledge that. But if it's like a

Speaker 5 Midwestern older woman, that's like being very nice.

Speaker 1 Stuff like that.

Speaker 1 It's actually worse if the two people next to you are doing the small talking. That's worse.
I'll entertain it if it's like an older lady. I'll make an effort.
I'll make a real good effort.

Speaker 1 Yeah. Yeah, well, get some for coffee.
I'm a feminist when it comes to talking with old ladies.

Speaker 1 How about the guy in the bathroom at the airport with way too much luggage? And

Speaker 1 you can't even get to the urinal because he's got like six bags that he brought in with him to the

Speaker 1 roller suitcase is taking the leaves. Like, I know you probably aren't traveling with anyone, but it's still a fucking annoying thing to do.

Speaker 1 How about the guy that yells at people for cutting in line when they're going to be late for their plane? That guy's the worst. Nope.

Speaker 2 The person

Speaker 1 absolutely wants to be late because they can't fucking time it out right.

Speaker 2 Actually, you know know what

Speaker 1 guy really sucks is the traffic policeman that's right outside

Speaker 1 in the arrivals area, and he won't let you park for longer than like 30 seconds. Yep.
That guy sucks. You're like, no, my person's coming out.
They're here. Like one minute.

Speaker 1 And they're like, move along. You're going to get a ticket.
Sucks.

Speaker 1 All right. I think we got them all.
Oh, armrest warrior. That's kind of like what Hank's the big guy thing.
But if you get stuck against an armrest warrior and you're just...

Speaker 5 Oh, I kind of welcome those battles.

Speaker 1 Really? I mean, they're thrilling for a bit. You have sharp elbows.
Yeah, they're thrilling for a minute. You would dominate.
If you really stuck into it,

Speaker 1 that kind of sucks big time.

Speaker 1 I like John Jones on those things. Now,

Speaker 1 my theory is you let the person who's in the middle seat take the armrests, or at least let them have the backwards of the arrest. The war domain.
You can take the front of the stream.

Speaker 1 Yeah, you can slide it in the front. Correct.
I agree with that.

Speaker 1 Okay, let's do our interviews. That was contentious.

Speaker 1 That was pretty good. That was a good collaboration.

Speaker 1 What should we do first? David Spade? DeAndre Jordan. DeAndre Jordan.
So DeAndre Jordan is coming up in a second. What's up, guys?

Speaker 1 It's Big Cat here, making my Irish entrance with proper number 12 Irish whiskey. How do you make an Irish entrance? You ask?

Speaker 1 It starts with a shot of proper number 12 Irish whiskey because real friends don't let friends Irish exit a party without a story to tell.

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Mix it up with some ginger ale for a classic and refreshing proper ginger.

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Speaker 1 So get out there and make your Irish entrance. Anything else just wouldn't be proper.
Order. Okay, here he is.
DeAndre Jordan. And then after that, David Spade.

Speaker 1 Okay, we now welcome on a very special guest. It is DeAndre Jordan.
He is here with Duncan.

Speaker 1 First of all, thank you for bringing all this stuff. You're welcome.
Eat all of it. So what are we, we're pushing today? We're actually, we use Duncan all the time.
They're a sponsor of ours as well.

Speaker 1 The Beyond Sausage breakfast sandwich that's coming to Manhattan soon, right? Or is it already here? It's here. Okay, it's here.
So we're going to eat all this stuff. Did you bring us donuts?

Speaker 1 Yeah, I got donuts. Okay, we got donuts.
No, the Beyond Sausage, that's like the, is that the vegan stuff? Yeah. Are you vegan? I am.
Since when? Since like last April.

Speaker 1 Okay, so you're not like for years. I mean, I'm not like years in, but I'm a year in, so I got like my little year, like little you got your one token.
I gave myself a token. Yeah, yeah.

Speaker 1 Do you miss steak at all?

Speaker 1 No comment. Okay, so all right, that's fair.
At least I can see it in your eyes. At least I can see it in your eyes.
Like, you'll come back. I'm like blinking at you.
You'll come back. Yeah.

Speaker 1 It's actually a question I've often wondered about athletes because you hear like, okay, you can't take in enough protein to be able to recover or build muscle. Have you found any issues with that?

Speaker 1 Like, how do you get your protein? No,

Speaker 2 I'm still strong as hell.

Speaker 1 Okay. So that's.
I'll be the judge of that. Yeah, I'm excited.
We can arm wrestle later if you're a fucking idiot. I mean, maybe.

Speaker 1 Well, I actually have to apologize to you because I said that you are very old on a podcast about a month ago. You're only 31.
I don't know. I think maybe because, I have no idea why I said that.

Speaker 1 Maybe because you went Dallas to the Knicks last year and you got lost in the shuffle a little bit.

Speaker 1 So it was like, I'm used to seeing you just in the mix. And then it was like, yeah, DeAndre Jordan.
I used to see me in the mix, too. Was that a tough year?

Speaker 1 Last year was kind of a blur.

Speaker 1 But it was a learning experience. It was good for my mental patience.
Yes.

Speaker 1 So I'm excited about this year, though.

Speaker 1 What about the Knicks going to the Knicks? There was a prevailing theory that

Speaker 1 the Knicks traded for you just so that they could then sign you.

Speaker 1 And then you saw how the Knicks run things, and you're like, maybe not. I didn't say that.
No, I said that. I just said that.

Speaker 1 I had a cool time when I was there, man. The Knicks fans are great.
New York fans in general are awesome. They're passionate as hell.
They know the sports. They know the game.

Speaker 1 And they'll call you out if you're not playing the right way,

Speaker 1 which is great.

Speaker 1 But, I mean, I'm excited about the things that the Nets are doing and the organization and the guys that we've got. So I'm excited.

Speaker 1 Did you ever see James Dolan's bandplay?

Speaker 1 I did not. He didn't make you guys sit and watch his band practice? He did not make it.

Speaker 1 You didn't get to that part of the pitch?

Speaker 1 I did not. That was the closing.
Yeah.

Speaker 1 That's what he uses as well. That was the closing deal.

Speaker 1 He's like, do you have any requests? Well, if it's not George Thurgood's song, I don't know. It's you can pad to the bone.

Speaker 1 All right, well, I'm sorry for calling you old because you're younger than I am. That's okay.
But that's kind of what we do in this industry.

Speaker 1 Like, a lot of times we just open our mouths and say what comes to the top of our head. I do that a lot.
And then you got to back up. I don't know what the text for it, but

Speaker 1 it happens. But it really was.

Speaker 1 I'm used to seeing you out there. And then last year was, like you said, a blur.

Speaker 1 And then when you switch teams and both teams don't make the playoffs, usually when a guy gets traded, it's like, oh, he's going to a playoff team. Then you get to see him.

Speaker 1 So that, yeah, that must have sucked being on a team that didn't make the playoffs. Usually, you go to the playoffs.
What uh, are you gonna get a three-point shot?

Speaker 1 Because every guy, we had your guy, Blake Griffin, in here, he's got a three-point shot. Yeah, you need a three-point shot.
Everybody's developing that part of their game.

Speaker 1 Uh, I'm obviously doing it, but I also want to stay on the floor.

Speaker 1 Like, if I'm just shooting three-point shots just to shoot him and I'm missing him, like that's kind of cool, then I'm old, yeah, because I'm gonna disappear, yeah.

Speaker 1 Or you're, yeah, I mean, there's a lot of guys who just, I mean, Russell Westbrook just shoots three-point shots just to shoot him,

Speaker 1 right?

Speaker 1 So, this league, you get you can't comment on any of this stuff stuff because anything you say, then everyone will tweet it and be able to. And it will be used against me.
Yes.

Speaker 1 Does that bother you ever?

Speaker 1 The state of the NBA, Twitter, and Instagram that like... I just try to stay away from that, man.

Speaker 1 I look at you guys' Instagram and then I follow it. Then I'm like, okay, I can laugh at this.
Right. You know what I'm saying? But I can't.

Speaker 1 You were part of the origin story of this league.

Speaker 1 In that free agency period, was it 2015? Yeah. When there's

Speaker 1 emojis flying back and forth. That's when most people really figured out how to properly use emojis.
Yeah, we wanted to save our characters. You know what I mean?

Speaker 1 You only get 110 of them or whatever it is. So we wanted to save them.
That's right.

Speaker 1 So there was the report at the time from a friend of the program, Chris Broussard, that Mark Cuban was driving aimlessly around Houston looking for you. Trying to find your house.

Speaker 1 Can you confirm that Mark Davis did not know, or that Mark Cuban did not know where you live? I can neither confirm nor deny those allegations.

Speaker 2 I feel like Mark Cuban knew where you lived.

Speaker 1 I think that he knew where I lived. He got shooters.
He knows where everyone is. He knows where everyone is.

Speaker 1 That whole process, though,

Speaker 1 you know, it's so weird how the NBA works where you can, free agency starts, everyone says where they're going, and then you can't sign for a few days.

Speaker 1 So that few days was where your decision kind of changed. Did you have any regrets with how that played out?

Speaker 1 I don't regret how it played out. Or the decision that I made second.

Speaker 1 I kind of just wish that it would have been faster. Right.
You know what I mean? Because those days were very slow, and it just took a lot of time.

Speaker 1 But I was happy with the decision I made going back to the Clippers. And I even ended up in Dallas for like half the year.
Yeah, for real. So it stopped.
Yeah, so that was cool.

Speaker 1 I got to go to all the Cowboys games because I'm a Cowboys fan. But other than that,

Speaker 1 it was a time. Do you think they should pay Dak?

Speaker 1 I'm a Cowboys fan. Yeah, no.
Should they pay Dak? Why not? Like max money?

Speaker 1 As long as we can keep the team together. Well, that's the thing.

Speaker 2 So you got to pay Zeke, too. Yeah.
Exactly.

Speaker 1 I feel like Zeke is a more

Speaker 1 Zeke talent, even though

Speaker 1 the position of running back has been devalued. I still think that Zeke is one of those rare guys that you should pay a lot of money to.

Speaker 1 I think in those situations, you got guys that can affect the game so much in those different positions.

Speaker 1 Receiver, running back, quarterback, that I think they'll come together and figure out a way to make it all ready for them to themselves.

Speaker 1 When you went back to the Clippers, when they were giving their pitch to you, did they do the fake retirement of your jersey into the rappers?

Speaker 1 Oh, oh, yeah, for sure. Yeah, that was that's their movie they did for everybody.
You're like, oh, yeah, that's it. Here comes.

Speaker 1 Even if it's like my fourth year in the league and they're like, we're going to retire your jersey. It's like, yeah,

Speaker 1 let's do it. Yeah.
Okay. And like, oh, we got him.
Yeah. Cooper for life.
Yeah. Jersey's still up there in the rafters.
Yeah.

Speaker 1 It actually, it makes it so, it makes it mean so much less knowing that they do that for everybody now. Yeah.
It's like, I mean, if they recruited you, you'd probably get jersey up there? Exactly.

Speaker 1 Yeah, man. That's kind of lame.

Speaker 1 How much does Hackashack suck?

Speaker 1 For me, it used to suck a lot. Yeah.
It used to suck big time. I used to try to hide and shit.
I mean, it's hard for you to get. But you can cut.
I can cut off.

Speaker 1 God damn it. Shit.
Those motherfuckers follow me too much. Yeah.
That's what I was going to say.

Speaker 1 Man, this is, I don't like this, but

Speaker 1 after

Speaker 1 years of

Speaker 1 that,

Speaker 1 I got a little better at it this past season and I'm shooting the ball a little bit better.

Speaker 1 Are you one of those guys? Because I always am fascinated with guys who may struggle a little bit at the free throw line. Do you hit them all in practice? I hit a lot of them in practice.
Yeah.

Speaker 1 And then I don't know. I think it's the 20,000 people, the

Speaker 1 thinking about, you know, you want to do it this way. Then you start to think about a million things and instead of thinking about the shot.

Speaker 1 So I think this season for the first time, I actually didn't think about anything else but shooting the basketball. And then

Speaker 1 it helped me out.

Speaker 1 Every single guy who's not good at free throws is like, well, he makes them all in practice.

Speaker 1 Yeah. And I believe it.
It's a totally different thing when you're out there in the game. It's a mental game.
Yeah. I want to play a little game with you real quick.
It's called Behind the Gif.

Speaker 2 Okay.

Speaker 1 Because you were a very giftable athlete. You've got one of the best NBA gifts out there.
I'm going to show it to you. And it's you just making this face like, huh? Oh, yeah, yeah.
Oh, yeah.

Speaker 1 Yeah, I remember that. Like a bad fart.
Yeah, like a bad fart. What were you thinking during that gift? Do you remember? I was like, I just had a bad fart, and I hope I don't have on white tights.

Speaker 1 That was that face.

Speaker 1 Now there's another one where you're in the stands. I'll pull this up, or you're on the bench, and you just say, what the fuck?

Speaker 5 and you're being held back do you remember this one very

Speaker 1 expressive face very expressive

Speaker 1 all-time f-bomb that you dropped right there i remember that that was against san antonio uh jamal crawford

Speaker 1 you guys know jamal crawford crazy handle put the ball between somebody's legs and it made the dude fall so i was just kind of i've never seen that shit in the game in a basketball game a real nba game before so that was pretty intense and then it was

Speaker 1 It was also embarrassing for the guy. Yeah, that was like the reaction that you see in the N1 mixtapes.
Yeah. Like someone gets crossed up so bad and the announcer goes, my God, son.

Speaker 1 And then everybody runs on the court and says it's over, and then the game's actually over. The game should have been over at that point.

Speaker 1 I thought we all should have got kicked out, but they let it go for another three minutes. So it was cool.

Speaker 1 Lob City was obviously an unbelievable time in

Speaker 1 Clippers' history. Why do you think it ultimately you guys didn't get to the promised land? And why was that Chris Paul's fault?

Speaker 1 Good question. Thank you.

Speaker 1 I love Chris Paul just for that. Okay.
Yep. You look right in the camera.
Yeah, I love you, Chris.

Speaker 1 No, I think that we had a lot of injuries.

Speaker 1 The injury bugs had a lot of churches. You know, Blake got hurt in the playoffs.

Speaker 1 No, we don't know.

Speaker 1 I'm not blaming on anybody.

Speaker 1 I love those guys. I love those guys.
Every tough side injuries in the playoffs. He'll wrap his entire leg up.
This guy wasn't the one that's going to play. He'll play with the big leg.
Yo, yeah.

Speaker 1 Yeah, so those guys, we caught the injury bug a little bit, man. Those guys, even guys like JJ sometimes, we had a little injury bug, but we just couldn't get over that hump.

Speaker 1 And it sucks because we had a lot of talent and we really wanted to. But, you know.
Yeah. Whatever.
Yeah.

Speaker 1 You guys are one of those teams that, while watching it, you'll always always remember Lob City and be like, that was so exciting.

Speaker 1 And then, unfortunately, it doesn't ever show up in, like, hey, they went to the final or something like that. But then we see it all the time with the NBA.

Speaker 1 I mean, the fact that Russ, James Harden, and Katie are now gone from the Thunder, all three of those guys, when everyone thought they were going to win titles

Speaker 1 year in the year. Yeah.
Yeah. Yeah.
It's crazy. You also played on some pretty solid USA basketball teams.
Yeah.

Speaker 1 So who was your favorite teammate that you got to play with on those teams that you haven't been on a team with in the NBA? Ooh, man, that's tough.

Speaker 1 I'll probably say like Paul George, Jimmy Butler, because obviously I'm teammates with Kevin and Kyrie now. So

Speaker 1 whatever, those guys. I'll see them a lot.

Speaker 1 But yeah, probably Paul George, Jimmy Butler. Those guys are just great on both sides of the basketball.
They play extremely hard. Shit talkers.
So

Speaker 1 I love playing with guys like that. Jay Butt.
Jay Butt. Yeah, actually, we're going to start rebranding it.

Speaker 1 So when people are talking about the Nets' new big three, we're always going to say that, like, it's DeAndre Jordan, and then he recruited.

Speaker 1 Wait, you guys didn't say that already? No, but no, we did. Oh, okay, okay.
I mean, the most important part.

Speaker 1 But I'm saying to you so that you know, it's DeAndre Jordan, and he recruited Kyrie CKD. Yeah, you got it.
And you know what? As, listen, as a really good recruiter yourself,

Speaker 1 we're trying to recruit Kevin Durant to this podcast. Oh, been in talks.
You know what? I'll reach out and I'll see what I can do. Yeah, just be like, hey, I had so much fun.

Speaker 1 This is such a cool place to be. And they let you curse on

Speaker 1 call you a babyback bitch. But we don't do that anymore.
Right.

Speaker 1 Or they don't call me old anymore.

Speaker 1 Yeah,

Speaker 2 we don't use the O-word for you.

Speaker 1 I said he could slap me if I. The O word.
Yeah, the O-word. But we have, in the past, said some words about him, but we've changed our tune.

Speaker 1 And so, yeah, we want him on the podcast. Good, good.

Speaker 1 We'll figure that out. I got a prediction.
You're going to turn Kyrie Irving into a vegan. Like, within a month.
Ooh. You know what? One month of hanging out with Kyrie.

Speaker 1 He's going to have militant anti-meat. He's done.
Good. He's going to join Queens.

Speaker 1 He's going to be throwing fake blood onto Russell Westbrook when he's walking into the arena. You're going to change him into a vegan just in time for you to go back to stakes.
Yeah. Yeah.

Speaker 1 Are you all settled? Okay, cool. I'm done.
Yeah. Yeah.
Like, good, good.

Speaker 1 Go ahead. Here's a good question.

Speaker 1 What's the most amount of dunks that you've ever had in a game? Ooh. Probably like nine or ten.
Damn. That's sick.
Yeah, and I only ended up with like 22 points or something. That's so awesome.

Speaker 1 What's your favorite dunk of all time?

Speaker 1 Man, that's tough. So many.
So many. Of mine?

Speaker 1 Mine is my next one.

Speaker 1 I probably had to say like

Speaker 1 Vince Carter on that 7-2 guy in the Olympics. Oh, the French guy? Yeah.
That was sick. Yeah, that was tough to beat.
Have you ever been jumped over? Not yet.

Speaker 1 I think I will be on here full-time if that happens. So guys.
Yeah, you'll officially be old and we'll have you. I'll be old for sure.
It's a good canary in a coal mine situation, Larry.

Speaker 1 If you get teabagged by somebody you're done it's over it's over i'm gonna retire i'm gonna go to

Speaker 1 yeah new zealand actually we own a team in new zealand so you can go down

Speaker 1 nobody can jump over you whatever you want only the kangaroos yeah all right so we'll get that in the ecosystem deandre jordan loosely attached to the new zealand breakers no big deal loosely attached loosely attached to the new zealand breakers

Speaker 9 Aldi is now on Uber Eats. So whether your fridge is empty and you're too tired to shop, or you just ran out of essential ingredients, don't worry, we got you.

Speaker 1 Get 40% off your first Aldi order on uber eats with code new uldi 25 orders 30 or more save up to 25 and it's 1231 see out for details um so who is the hardest guy to guard in the post post guy to post guy i'm a post guy oh man that's tough man you got so many good guys you got like joel and bed you got

Speaker 1 demarcus cousins you got toughest one though freak freak

Speaker 1 Freak.

Speaker 1 Guys moves are just like, I can't. See, if I say one guy, then the other guy's going to be like, like I'm gonna try to kick his ass next year.

Speaker 1 That's okay. That's what this show is all about.
Yeah. All right.
This league. Yeah, I'll probably have to say a guy like Joel and B, man.
That's a big guy at the Greek freak.

Speaker 1 Oh, you're gonna have to play him a lot, too. I know, yeah.

Speaker 1 I probably have to say Joe L. man.
He's a big guy. He can face up, back to the basket, super skilled, extremely strong.
So a guy like that, probably.

Speaker 1 Disrespect coming at Frank and DeAndre just unbelievable. DeAndre just wrote on my notepad, but Joel and B can't get in shape.
And so I'm just reading that from what you just wrote to me.

Speaker 1 I wrote that in a different language. Yeah, you wrote Joel can't get in shape, so I'll probably dominate him next year.
This league. Petty Wars.
Yeah, he actually wrote a hashtag on the notepad.

Speaker 1 There's no electronics on there. Yeah, that's crazy.
Exactly.

Speaker 1 All right. Yeah, I think that's about it.
Yeah, so thank you for coming by, Duncan.

Speaker 2 Check it out.

Speaker 1 The Beyond Sausage breakfast sandwich is now available in Manhattan. You brought the donuts for us.
Best of luck next year. Can you please tell Kevin Durant to come on the show?

Speaker 1 Kevin, you're going to come on the show. He's probably listening to this right now.
He probably is listening. to this.

Speaker 1 Let's finish with saying some nice things about him. Kevin, you know what? Ever since you trimmed your goatee, you look a lot less

Speaker 1 mangy. Yeah.
Kevin, even though you don't like the nickname, I still think Slim Reaper was the greatest nickname of all time.

Speaker 1 Kevin, we love you. Return my phone calls and texts.
Oh, shit. You can't even get a text back?

Speaker 1 Damn. All right, DeAndre Jordan, thanks so much, man.
Thanks, man. I appreciate it, guys.

Speaker 6 I'm not going back to college to be your friend. I'm I'm going so I can get Uber One for students.
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Speaker 1 And now for something completely different.

Speaker 1 Okay, we now welcome on the man, the myth, the legend. Welcome on.
We do. We welcome you on.
Yeah. It's David Spade.
Welcome.

Speaker 1 He has a new show coming out July 29th on Comedy Central. Yo.
Lights out with David Spade.

Speaker 1 I'm excited for it. Hookie.
Yeah. You want to explain it to the people? I know what it is, but

Speaker 8 you want to explain it to the people. I don't even know what it is.
It's

Speaker 8 it's I first of all it started with it was like an Instagram show. It was just a once-a-week show.
I did a pilot about, like, here's me on Instagram. Look at how funny I am.

Speaker 8 But, but I thought it's all about, you know, DMing and people and how it's maybe not great for kids and just the whole world. And then we can do, we can shit on all these news stories because

Speaker 8 everything filters through Instagram or Facebook or Twitter. So

Speaker 8 you're like, well, you're not going to talk about this. Well, of course you can because any sports comes on there.
Everything you do in your life can be on there. You can trick it.

Speaker 8 It's going to show up. CNN will be in in there.
Everything.

Speaker 8 So it was sort of a tricky way just to do a regular show about everything, but add the Instagram because we're all looking at it, sending each other dumb things, barstool stuff I send to my friends.

Speaker 2 That's definitely a dumb thing.

Speaker 1 You're a big Barcelon commenter, I've noticed.

Speaker 8 Oh, yeah, it's comment on too.

Speaker 1 You love the emojis in the comment section.

Speaker 8 I do say stuff sometimes.

Speaker 8 I forget that it opens me up to get 100% shit on. Yep.
But that's, you know, that's the game. It's showbiz, baby.

Speaker 1 That's how I got my start. Just commenting on articles.

Speaker 8 It's funny, though.

Speaker 1 I think it's funny.

Speaker 2 So

Speaker 1 you say it, the show biz, the game. You've been in showbiz forever.
Too long? No, I didn't say too long. Okay, good.
Did you, was that something you were thinking of?

Speaker 8 There's been some testing recently.

Speaker 1 Okay, so, but your career has been incredible because, you know, SNL in 1990 to this day where you're doing an Instagram show.

Speaker 1 Have you had a moment where you're like, man, I can't believe I'm still doing this in all the iterations that I've had?

Speaker 8 Hanging by a thread, yeah. It's hard because when you see people do well, uh,

Speaker 8 I'm happy for anyone doing well and breaking through, and then I think the hardest part is that's the first hardest part, just to get known, just to get anybody know who the fuck you are, and then to stick around.

Speaker 8 It's hard to tread water that whole time because there's always better shit. You know, I'm glad I'm not, I'm glad it's showbiz.
If you're a running back, you're fucked. Yeah, that's true.

Speaker 8 You know what I mean?

Speaker 1 They're like holding out, and you're like, get paid while you can, getting paid, not for long, getting a gimpy knee.

Speaker 8 And I, and there's also

Speaker 8 a weird thing that is not like Le'Veum Bell. The only way we're different.

Speaker 1 Oh, yeah, you're mad at him. No.
Oh,

Speaker 8 I was mad at him.

Speaker 1 Yes. You're very mad at him.
No.

Speaker 1 You had him on your fantasy team, right?

Speaker 8 Oh, I mean, we're jumping around, but I, of course, drafted him first like a knucklehead. And then I go, all right, it's been cute, but get back in that motherfucker.

Speaker 1 Right, Tom. Right.

Speaker 8 Run that ball down the middle because I'm losing. You can't win if you've lost your best guy.
Yes. And then someone wanted to trade me, Antonio Antonio Burke, nobody cares about that.

Speaker 1 And they wouldn't let it.

Speaker 8 My asshole buddy, who's the commish, of course, he goes, no, no, no one would let this.

Speaker 1 I go, who cares? Either I'll win or he'll win.

Speaker 8 It doesn't matter.

Speaker 8 They always think, you got too much. Yeah.
So I'm not allowed to win. Yes.
You know what I mean? Yeah.

Speaker 1 No one's rooting for Daniel.

Speaker 8 I was playing Sandler's league. It was Sandler Rock and all these guys.

Speaker 8 Who's allowed to win?

Speaker 8 It wasn't him. Yeah.
Who's allowed to win? Like the intern that plays with us?

Speaker 1 What are the stakes for that fantasy league? What's the buy-in on that?

Speaker 8 It's not anything. That's the worst part.

Speaker 1 Oh, really? Yeah. What the hell? You'd hope that you guys would play for like $100,000.

Speaker 8 It's too scary because if Adam wins,

Speaker 1 I'm not fucking paying you. Right.

Speaker 1 You're too rich. He has more money than God.

Speaker 8 It's getting worse, too.

Speaker 1 Oh, really? He just keeps making it.

Speaker 8 I'm at the house when there's solid gold bricks being dropped off for his kids.

Speaker 8 But what was that? I was saying, oh, I'm not like Levy Bell because I take

Speaker 8 gigs for low money

Speaker 8 just to keep things going the right way I want them. Or, you know, there's a lot of things.
You can do a movie that's cool, but you don't get paid a lot.

Speaker 8 Or you can do this because you want to gamble and you bet on yourself. Go, I'll take less money.
I think this will work. That kind of stuff.
So I've been trying to do that for a while.

Speaker 8 I still make money here and there, and I do stand-up, but it's really sort of this Rubik's cube of trying to stay in the mix.

Speaker 1 Right.

Speaker 8 And you have to be funny every fucking time you do anything. That's what these people don't understand.

Speaker 8 That's why they go, oh, you did good when you're on Ellen or Fallon. I go, that's not, I mean, I'm lucky.
It's not a mistake, though. There's people that just go, what do I got today?

Speaker 8 This and this, blah, blah, blah. You know, I got to run on Fallon, then I got to beep over to Stern.
But I try to be funny because sometimes that's the only time in the last 10 years someone saw me.

Speaker 8 Right. Four minutes on Fallon.
Right. And then they redecide if they like me.

Speaker 1 So how did you prepare for this interview?

Speaker 8 Absolutely zero. But

Speaker 1 I didn't really know what I was doing.

Speaker 8 I was too focused on, you know, Stern and

Speaker 1 the view this morning. No, we got it.

Speaker 8 No, the view I had put no thought into because I can't. I don't even know what they're just going to ask me a bunch of stuff and there's no pre-interview and I want one.
Stern, I can't really because

Speaker 8 it was an hour 20 yesterday.

Speaker 8 But he sort of knows me well enough that he can get me going. I just don't want to do the same stories.
Sometimes he forgets and he goes, no, you and Eddie Murphy? I go, no, not that one again.

Speaker 8 I don't think it's a rerun.

Speaker 1 Yep.

Speaker 8 So I came up with a couple of doozies yesterday.

Speaker 1 Oh, just made them up. Can you tell them again here?

Speaker 8 They're really getting worn down because then Fallon asked me about them.

Speaker 1 All right, so tell me. Are you a story we've never heard? Yeah, before it goes on the daily show, we'll put out a clip of this tonight.

Speaker 1 Yeah, it can even be what you had for breakfast today because we don't know.

Speaker 8 Here's a dumb one. I was a East escape board in Arizona, and I was a fucking faux loser.
I had some components of a cool dude. I had white blonde hair, long.

Speaker 8 I had a fucking sweet Alva board,

Speaker 8 some Power Flex Fives, Bennett hijackers.

Speaker 8 Had a bones brigade, like rail on it, a little tailbone.

Speaker 8 Wasn't really any good, but I could skate a little bit. But so then I was a busboy to feed my skating habit of needing grip tape once a year.
It's pretty low budget.

Speaker 8 But I was a bus boy. First, I was a dishwasher, three bucks an hour.
Seven hours a year for $21.

Speaker 8 And still, when they walk me through the kitchen in gigs now, like we'll take you through the back, when I smell that gross kitchen, it's it's exactly throws me back to when I was in that kitchen every day

Speaker 1 forever. You know what I mean?

Speaker 8 And it makes me, and I'm like, thank God, I'm not doing that anymore. $21 check before taxes.
So then I got bumped up to buser. And I did that forever.
And one time I go, can I be a waiter?

Speaker 8 And he goes, you don't got the stuff. I'm like, what fucking stuff?

Speaker 1 This is the hard part. Right.

Speaker 8 You know what I mean? Like, the bus boy lugs the work. The waiter,

Speaker 8 the easiest waiter job is the bottle service girl.

Speaker 1 Yes.

Speaker 8 Stops in at the beginning. Hey, have you seen my tits? Look at my ass.
Everything good here. All right, what do you want? 18 bottles? And then like sell you up.

Speaker 8 And then they split for about nine hours. And then the bus boy packs the ice and everything.
Then she comes in at the end. Here's your bill.

Speaker 2 It's the five grand.

Speaker 8 Then there's the 20% tip added in. But then there's an extra tip.
Then there's a secret tip. Then there's a tip some people do if they're fucking cool.
Yeah.

Speaker 8 And I'm like, goddamn, I didn't see you once tonight. And then you're like, you're an asshole if you don't keep adding out.

Speaker 1 Yeah, there's the portion of the tip that if you don't tip, tip, they'll tweet it out that David Smith.

Speaker 8 Yeah, they're like, look who fucked us over.

Speaker 1 Super Chisler. Yeah.
Chisler.

Speaker 1 When you were a bus boy, did you sometimes, like, if you took all the food off the table, take it back to the kitchen, you're throwing it out, if somebody hadn't touched their fries at all, you would mack on that, right?

Speaker 8 You'd take a little bite. First of all,

Speaker 8 they could have been all over them. I would eat,

Speaker 8 there's nothing I would not eat. Right.
I didn't even eat dinner. I'd just go, I'll just eat at work.
I'll just eat the rest of that guy's steak, the rest of that guy's potatoes.

Speaker 8 Anything, drink, drinks. I don't give a a shit.
Finishing. This is before there was germs.

Speaker 1 Yes. It was a long time ago.
Yeah.

Speaker 8 And so I. Creates.
That's a good angle because I did do that.

Speaker 8 I ate everything. And then,

Speaker 8 oh, also, oh, then it was Father's Day weekend and a Sunday, which was like the culmination of two horrible days of the busiest days.

Speaker 8 They gave me tables 40 through 48, which is not for fucking amateurs. Let me tell you right now.
That's the roughest section. But I was still just bussing.

Speaker 1 What was the name of this place?

Speaker 2 That was the Quilted Bear.

Speaker 1 Quilted Bear, the rough section of the Quilted Bear. Very good.
The Quilted Bear.

Speaker 1 On a Sunday, fuck around Scott.

Speaker 8 If you were from Arizona and Scott, you would know. Do not go in there on a Sunday.
So I go in there. My boss is a dick, of course, like everyone's boss.

Speaker 8 And so I'm over there, total skater, always hungover, always like,

Speaker 8 can't lift shit. So then I get more than three glasses.

Speaker 1 He goes, you can find more in there.

Speaker 8 And it was more of a traps problem back then and a back.

Speaker 8 It was sort of weak across the board. So then I go, go and it's and there's a shark special.

Speaker 8 So he first I go, stop talking to the tables. They don't like it.

Speaker 1 And I go, they do like it.

Speaker 8 I go, I'm sort of like, you know, I'm like a fun guy. You self-bump me up to waiter.
And he goes, nah. So then, of course, right after he tells me, I go over there and they go, hey, dude.

Speaker 8 They don't even know if I'm the waiter. They go, how's the shark? I go, I got a motto.
I don't eat them.

Speaker 1 They don't eat me. You don't eat me.

Speaker 8 I don't eat them. They don't eat me.
And I hear this, can I talk to you?

Speaker 1 And I go, fuck.

Speaker 8 So I turn around. He yanks me over.
He goes, what the fuck are you doing? I go, I'm fucking killing is what I'm doing. Great lie.
Yeah, I go, how do you, did you hear that?

Speaker 8 And he goes, yeah, they don't like you to talk to him. I go, oh, is that why I'm getting applause breaks at my fucking tables, dude? Are you jealous? You don't want to follow me?

Speaker 8 And then I either quit or he fired me. Either way, I was not working that fast.

Speaker 1 Yeah, I mean, being a bus boy, that's a short career path. I was a bus boy at a crab shack for a summer.
And

Speaker 1 that is the worst possible job that you can have. Except when you bring the crabs back to the kitchen to throw them away, you know exactly which ones weren't touched.
Yeah.

Speaker 1 But I would still get yelled. They had a freshie.

Speaker 1 They'd be like, no, that crab belongs to the guy at the table who paid for it. I was like, he threw it out.
It's my crab now. You can't tell me.
He waved his rights. I agree with you.

Speaker 8 I like that, man.

Speaker 1 That's cool. So

Speaker 1 how did you get from bussing tables at the Quilted Bear to thinking, oh, I should try to make a career out of comic books?

Speaker 8 Yeah. Well, I will say that I'm nice to busers now because I was man of the people.

Speaker 8 Valet parked forever. I remember all I remember about valet parking is other than it sucks.
Sometimes I'd stay up late doing drugs or something, and then I'd have to do a long shift.

Speaker 8 And one time it was on a hill. And when you're a valet parker, picture this at home, you drive and you're hustling every goddamn car and you run back for it.
Now I got to run up a hill and then down.

Speaker 8 No one cares. No one cares.

Speaker 1 It's like, where's my car?

Speaker 8 But I'm like, hoofing up this hill like I'm at the combine. Then I get my door and to open it.
You have to throw it open with your left.

Speaker 8 And it's so heavy uphill that my arm gave out after half the day because I'm such a spindly little fucking pussy pants.

Speaker 1 So I'm like, and I go, oh,

Speaker 8 and then the rest thing I'm trying to do with my right arm. And then I go, mom, I can't do this anymore.
This is a dangerous job.

Speaker 8 This is before a workman's comp, I would have been suing everyone in Spanish. Oh, hell yeah.
Fuck now. It's just like, you know, like Spider-Man.
Phew, peep, peep, suing anyone.

Speaker 8 So I'm nice to bus go because now bus boys are cool to me too. They go, hey, Joe Dirt, you know, like they know me.
And they always try to help me at their level.

Speaker 8 You You know, like people you see out in the world, he goes, You need more bread or water?

Speaker 1 You let me know. Some ice cubes?

Speaker 8 Yeah, you covered, man. I'm your guy.

Speaker 1 I got you. I'm your guy.
Say no more.

Speaker 8 As much bread as you want, up to one loaf.

Speaker 1 Moistowless. Yeah.
Say no more. Ice, a wet rag.
Anything. You're coming to me.

Speaker 1 What's the character you get recognized the most for?

Speaker 8 I would say it's Joe Dirt.

Speaker 1 Yeah. People yelling

Speaker 1 at the runs at you.

Speaker 8 Then Tommy Boy,

Speaker 8 Bench Warmers, grown-ups.

Speaker 1 Does it make you sad at all that, like, Tommy Boy, we're both 34 years old. So, Tommy Boy was like.

Speaker 8 Is that right in the pocket for you?

Speaker 1 That was the movie. Really? Oh, good.
Like, the movie.

Speaker 1 But now we're at a point where I'm sure there's kids, 20-year-old kids, who are like, Tommy Boy.

Speaker 1 Yeah. Come on, man.
That's like a bad thing.

Speaker 8 They don't know Farley.

Speaker 1 I mean,

Speaker 8 people have asked me, and that's hard. Well, girls, I don't know anything.

Speaker 1 I mean, they're like, I go,

Speaker 8 they crank Zeppelin. I go, Zepp.

Speaker 1 And they're like, huh?

Speaker 8 I go, Led Zeppelin, Zeppelin.

Speaker 1 Well, this is probably because you're dating 20-year-olds.

Speaker 1 And then I go, you know, Led Zeppelin?

Speaker 8 You're like, dude, I don't know who Maroon 5 is. All right.
I'm young and you're old.

Speaker 1 Is there a problem?

Speaker 8 I'm like, no, get you out of mommy.

Speaker 1 So, all good.

Speaker 1 The one thing I know you probably are sick of everyone who you've ever done an interview with bringing up Chris Farley, but the one thing I wanted to just ask quickly.

Speaker 8 You guys are in the pocket.

Speaker 1 Okay, yeah, sweet.

Speaker 1 Yeah, we loved it. So your chemistry, that was it.
You know what I mean? Like, a lot of people listen to this podcast because of our chemistry. Was it as good? You guys have chemistry? Yeah, we do.

Speaker 1 You wouldn't notice. But

Speaker 8 I'll see you toward the end, I'm sure.

Speaker 1 Yeah, we just fucked before you got in here.

Speaker 1 This poor one was lost. Oh, she's got questions for you here.
Oh, I got questions. I had a podcast problem.

Speaker 8 Oh, I thought you just.

Speaker 1 Jill writes that down. I thought she was so polite that she was lost.

Speaker 8 She goes, I don't want to leave till the end.

Speaker 1 No, no, no. So, was your chemistry off-screen just as good on-screen?

Speaker 8 I mean, yeah, that was how it was based: Lauren, our boss, would watch us walk around, and

Speaker 8 I would say, like,

Speaker 8 Farley would go, they have a McDonald's in Madison, too. I go, oh, I think it's on wheels and it comes down here.
No, it doesn't. No, it doesn't, dumb fuck.
And he goes, let's go to the ATM.

Speaker 8 And then he goes, and he pulls out $20 and he goes, I go, let's go to dinner. He goes, oh, I have to go to the ATM again.
I go, dude, take $200 out at a clip. Fuck, are you taking $20 at a time?

Speaker 8 He goes, yeah. I go, are you Wisconsin, Dundee? You're in New York now.
You know, I'm from Arizona.

Speaker 8 I don't know anything either, but I know to take 200 out, so I don't have to go there and get knifed every five seconds.

Speaker 1 I go, ATMs are not where I want to hang at midnight.

Speaker 8 Grab and go. And then Lauren would watch me make fun of him.
And then he'd see him come and go, David, say, make fun of me for what I'm wearing.

Speaker 1 And I go, Jesus.

Speaker 8 So after a while, and then in read-through, I'd make faces at him when he was bombing, which is pretty much never.

Speaker 8 And then

Speaker 8 Lauren goes, why don't you write a movie about how you guys are? And so he assigned to writers from SNL, which is a big deal because I wasn't even on that much. Chris was already like

Speaker 1 blowing up. Yeah.

Speaker 8 And I was on a little enough, but he was like, yeah, yeah, yeah. And then Fred Wolf took it over, another writer there, one of our buddies.

Speaker 8 And then we went up to Toronto and then me, Fred, Chris, and Pete Siegel, the director. No one even cared.
They just go, give them some money. Paramount has a deal with Lauren.
Just go.

Speaker 8 But they weren't there every day, so we just go, add in jokes, add in housekeeping, add in, does my face look fat? Like, just trying to add something to make scenes.

Speaker 8 Because it's a movie about selling brake pads, like you could never pitch that.

Speaker 8 Who would care? It's the dumbest idea. If you go, two guys sell brake pads, they're from Ohio, and everyone's like, right?

Speaker 5 And you're like, that's sort of it.

Speaker 1 Uh-huh. I don't want to give it all away, but well, that is it.

Speaker 8 That's all of it.

Speaker 1 So, so we would spice it up and go, what do we got tomorrow?

Speaker 8 What if you wore a clip-on, we just do one throwaway joke?

Speaker 8 And you don't know that later on those will be remembered forever. No, you have no idea.
And so, and

Speaker 8 Farley, when I hit him with a board in the face, by the third time, he goes, Fuck you.

Speaker 1 I go, I have to hit you, dude.

Speaker 8 I don't even know what to do. I don't even know if it's balsam wood anymore.

Speaker 1 I think we ran out and held

Speaker 1 straight up two by four.

Speaker 1 Yeah,

Speaker 8 solid mahogany. And I don't know.

Speaker 8 But during the movie, we'd be so tired and we'd go back and forth on this little puddle jumper private jet, which is basically an MRI with wings. We were both like in there jammed.

Speaker 8 It wasn't like I'm some rapper. Right.

Speaker 8 Just like staring at each other pissed off about it getting a fight because s and l good nights hey tom hanks thank you get in a car straight to the airport straight to toronto shoot at seven in the morning cramming lines come back for read-through go back come back for rehearsal on the show and doing that for weeks and it's getting freezing out

Speaker 8 we just started to go bananas because if someone said it's going to be a hit then you could hang in there right but no one knows what the fuck you doing in tornado i go i don't even know we're just screwing off and but that kind of answers the question because you guys were such good friends.

Speaker 1 And, you know, those are the moments when you're tired.

Speaker 8 And we were good at looking out for each other. Like, I go, Chris, why don't you do this like you do at the office? That's funny.
Just, we'll throw that. We'll find a way to put it in there.

Speaker 8 And even the director, who's great, but sometimes he goes, I don't get, this has nothing to do with the story. I'm like, I know.

Speaker 8 We don't either, but just, I think this is what it makes us crack up.

Speaker 8 And so, and then he goes, what did you say to me the other day? And we're like, oh, right, right, right. Okay, put that in there.

Speaker 8 And that's looking out for each other because, you know, I know if he's good, it helps me.

Speaker 8 If this movie takes off, I'm in it with him. So that's how it worked.
And then Black Sheep was a little trickier because they wanted to split us up with the new director.

Speaker 8 And we kept saying, well, it's better when we're together and fighting and yelling at each other. But, you know, it still worked out.

Speaker 8 We had a lot of parts that Black Sheep we liked, but they threw away 40 pages. I wish I could find them.
That was the funnest.

Speaker 1 I still liked Black Sheep.

Speaker 8 Yes. Black Sheep had good stuff.

Speaker 8 It just would have been more. It probably would have been better.

Speaker 8 Who knew? But, you know, who knows?

Speaker 1 So when you got your start on SNL,

Speaker 1 from what I remember about your career, I read some stuff about you a long time ago.

Speaker 1 I forget exactly where I saw it, but you were doing a lot of writing for the show, and a lot of the stuff that you were writing was going to Dana Carvey, right? Yeah, or whoever, yeah.

Speaker 1 I have to imagine that that's got to be frustrating because you're trying to get as much screen time as possible. You're a cast member.

Speaker 1 You're trying to get on the camera, and for whatever reason, it's not working out.

Speaker 8 Was there any point where you you thought like maybe i'll just quit maybe this is not worth the effort me being up here yeah i even told my guys i wanted to quit it was too hard it's like being i was in a fraternity and i was haze and fucking this is exactly the same thing i'm not the main guy i'm uh sandler's doing better now he he came on right after me but he was doing better schneider was doing copy machine

Speaker 8 dana's crushing but i look like dana

Speaker 8 so if if a sketch came up like macho camacho man

Speaker 1 and then sandler goes don't you forget about the Macho Man?

Speaker 8 He does a bit, and he looks like him.

Speaker 8 If I thought of that, someone looked like Dana Carvey, then Dana gets it, right? So I'm like stuck. Schneider got to play people that I could, you know.

Speaker 8 So, first of all, you're about your look, it's a crap shoot.

Speaker 1 And then,

Speaker 8 and Dana's great, so

Speaker 8 Ross Pro came up. I go, I could do that.
And they go, We want Dana to do Ross Pro and Bush. I'm like,

Speaker 2 Come on, that's like now you're breaking the rules.

Speaker 1 You're giving up.

Speaker 8 That's why I feel bad sometimes now when they bring in stars on SNL to play all these parts because I'm sure the cast is like, hey, I get nothing. It's hard enough to get those little crumbs.
Yeah.

Speaker 8 Right. But they go, nope, Matt Damon's playing them this week.
You're like, oh, fuck.

Speaker 1 Because it's cheating. Yes.

Speaker 1 But it's the way it is. Do you take a little pride knowing that

Speaker 1 SNL it didn't dip after because they had Will Farrell and all that after, but there was definitely a point in time where everyone was like, this is.

Speaker 8 Yeah, everyone says they have their times they liked. Like, if you like that time, that was great for you.
and uh

Speaker 8 and people say those were good years we didn't we didn't really feel it then but I do love Will Farrell maybe

Speaker 8 after those years there wasn't enough as a group you know what I mean I think they've had waves there's always good people on it but maybe

Speaker 8 because when I just look back at the writers we had they're all like well-known so great writers and then you have a great

Speaker 8 or a lot of good people. I mean, forget me, but everyone's on there

Speaker 8 could hold up their end and more. They all went on to be big stars.
So

Speaker 8 that's just the beginning. So you're catching like their rookie year, which is great to see everyone.

Speaker 8 You're just like, you don't know it, but you see a sketch and you're with, you know, even Gap girls. It's me, Farley, Sandler, and then there's maybe Schneider and Alec Baldwin's in it.

Speaker 8 And you look back at a photo and you go, oh my God, how fun was that? Right. Everybody was good.
You throw anybody a line. They're good.
They come up with stuff. Chris Rock's next to you.

Speaker 8 If you need a joke, what would I say here? He's like, well, and he says something, you're like, later you go, I'm getting freebies from Chris Rock, right?

Speaker 1 It's almost like looking back at the dream team at the basketball.

Speaker 2 Yeah.

Speaker 1 You know, where you're like, wait, that was the like magic and MJ and Bird. And like, you keep going.
You're like, shit, all these deaths are together.

Speaker 8 We definitely could have out-sketched Yugoslavia.

Speaker 1 Yeah.

Speaker 1 No timeouts, Spain.

Speaker 1 When you were in that moment, did you realize how fun it was? Or was one of those things where later on you're like, damn, that was really, that was a good time for us.

Speaker 8 You always try to have fun with it, and there's waves of it. But the underlying

Speaker 8 stress of not knowing if you're coming back and not knowing if you're, you never feel like you're doing enough. So there's always someone going, hey, there's another batch of assholes at the improv.

Speaker 8 Bring them in.

Speaker 8 More than willing to fly themselves in tomorrow. And you'd hear about them having auditions and you're like, wait, they're having auditions.
We have enough people. We have too many.

Speaker 8 Maybe they're getting rid of some people. And that was every year.
I'd get rid of my apartment and then come back and get another one.

Speaker 1 And once they got there, they were back.

Speaker 8 It was just tough but that's the way it is over there always been the same and anybody I just saw dinner with Molly Shannon and Bill Hayter and

Speaker 1 Will Forte and Tim Meadows and we just all have the same stories I mean they were like right after me but yeah exactly the same right I want to jump back to something you said earlier which was you're talking about different projects you can do might not pay as much do you ever feel that

Speaker 1 with

Speaker 1 the more money you're paid for a certain project, there's like a burden of a higher expectation for what you have to deliver?

Speaker 8 Sure. Sure.
I mean, it's like even in sports when they do that, you know, they pay him a lot.

Speaker 8 These are the signs they're about to fucking bomb.

Speaker 1 Leave you on back. Earn your contract.
Yeah.

Speaker 8 Remember Flacco? I think he got a ton of stuff.

Speaker 1 Oh, yeah, he's great.

Speaker 1 Great contract. Won a Super Bowl.
After.

Speaker 1 He won the Super Bowl. Before any contract.
And they backed the truck up. And they're like, shit, this contract sucks.
Who's the Joe Flacco of comedy right now? It's funny.

Speaker 8 I just like this setup. I don't even know the answer.

Speaker 1 Who's getting wildly overpaid for a piss-poor performance?

Speaker 8 They usually don't because they'll start adjusting it quickly. Yeah.
Because they don't like.

Speaker 8 One time I...

Speaker 1 Nope. Go ahead.
Go ahead. You're free to speak.
Nobody listened to the show.

Speaker 8 I asked Lorne about a cast member that did a movie that bombed.

Speaker 8 And I said, are they going to get another movie? And he goes, not every studio wants to lose $20 million and work with an asshole.

Speaker 1 She said, some do. Not all of them.

Speaker 1 Who was it? It definitely wasn't McGruber. And it wasn't that.
And it wasn't Tim Meadows with. The Ladies' Man? Yeah.
Because he's a nice guy. Yeah, he is.
I like that movie. Fuck.
Who was it?

Speaker 8 I can't even remember who it was.

Speaker 1 Oh, yeah, neither can we.

Speaker 1 I want to introduce you to our podcast mom. This is Jill.
Yeah. Oh, Jill.
Hi, John. Jill, she's our intern.

Speaker 8 Sorry, I thought you just were being polite and you were in the wrong room and you were mad.

Speaker 11 Well, I'm always mad.

Speaker 1 She's disappointed more than that.

Speaker 8 You're someone's mom?

Speaker 1 Our mom.

Speaker 1 Our whole podcast mom. Yeah, we hired her.
We just wanted a, not, I was about to say elderly, but I didn't, Jill.

Speaker 1 We wanted an older intern so she's our intern for the summer she's 69 years old so she's got some questions for you i think yeah they're actually the seeki questions promo code take get ten dollars off go

Speaker 11 okay sure i have a lot of questions but i won't go all to all of them okay who is the most

Speaker 11 unappreciated member cast member at snl what a good what a good thought good question

Speaker 1 hmm david spade what a good question um

Speaker 8 Wow, there's so, you know, there's so many that are good.

Speaker 8 I don't know. Maybe I'd say

Speaker 8 Molly Shannon, who I think is so funny and so lovable and likable in person.

Speaker 8 And she always works.

Speaker 8 She did superstar. You know, I don't know.
She's always on a show. So I just think people should always be giving her props because she always was sweet with crack me up.
God, there's too many.

Speaker 8 Sherry O'Terry,

Speaker 8 she did such a good job. And sometimes it's just,

Speaker 8 this sounds like I'm commenting on her career, but it's just so hard. Usually after the show, you will get a chance to do your own show.

Speaker 1 Like they will give you...

Speaker 8 But if it doesn't pop right away, then you're just right back in the mix of audition. It's just hard.

Speaker 8 But she was so funny on SNL and just so character-y.

Speaker 8 But like Dana, sometimes...

Speaker 8 When you're so good at characters, they go, just play this. And it's hard to just play Dana.
You're a regular guy. And that that was easier for me.
I'm sort of my own persona.

Speaker 8 And that's why it was harder on SNL. And then the flip side, it's a little easier out in the real world.

Speaker 1 Are you saying Master of Disguise didn't take off?

Speaker 8 I think Master of Disguise is

Speaker 1 one of the greatest movies of all time.

Speaker 2 Yeah, and people like it.

Speaker 8 I see Dan a lot in town.

Speaker 8 Which town? In Los Angeles. And almost every time we're at dinner, someone will say something about Master of Disguise.

Speaker 1 Yeah.

Speaker 8 Like, he hated it. You know, he doesn't love it.

Speaker 1 Jill, he's actually tight for time.

Speaker 1 Okay, all right. Yeah.
All right. So we're going to see you.
One more going on. Real quick, real quick.
Because we've got to pitch him the boner dogs. All right.
So

Speaker 1 what? Yeah, you're already in. You're in.
Yeah, he's in. That was the pitch was done.

Speaker 1 Okay, go ahead.

Speaker 11 So what was it really like working with the great comedic actor, Alf?

Speaker 1 Alf?

Speaker 11 I know you were in one episode of Alf.

Speaker 1 I was in Alf. That was my first big gig.
Alf to your viewers. Okay.
Oh, that's right. They're so young.
Yes, they are. They don't know.
This was a very related.

Speaker 8 Base alien. It was even young.

Speaker 1 Here's an alien life form. I think that's what I do.
He looks like a dog that looks like that. Yeah.

Speaker 8 You look like a dog or something.

Speaker 8 Hey, so I was on ALF and Bernie Brillstein, legendary manager, got me this job. I was just signed with Brillstein.
He goes, you're going to be on ALF. It's great.
It's a big show. And I go, yeah.

Speaker 8 And he goes, you're going to play a stand-up comedian. So I practice my act all week at the improv.
I go on. I do my 10 minutes.
I tell my mom, watch the show. We all watch it.

Speaker 8 So the show is Alf is watching TV.

Speaker 1 Is there a train on the show? Yeah, it's the loudest, it's the dumbest fucking podcast studio in the world. Fuck.
Sorry.

Speaker 8 Number one.

Speaker 1 It's so that's actually the loudest fire engine that we've ever dumbest thing ever.

Speaker 8 That's not one of ours. Everybody down.

Speaker 1 We moved in here and you can hear everything.

Speaker 8 This is something the real estate agent forgot to mention.

Speaker 1 Yeah, they took us specifically. They're like, you can only visit between 3 and 3.15 in the afternoon.
Jesus Christ.

Speaker 8 So I do the show. I do my hilarious stand-up act, but it's being filmed for TV.
So Alf's at home with his family and they go, what's on TV?

Speaker 8 I hear there's a new funny comic, and then they turn it on and it's literally one of my jokes. And then Alf goes, this guy sucks.

Speaker 1 And he turns it off. That's it.
And

Speaker 1 that's it. And Jill remembers.

Speaker 8 And I remember going,

Speaker 8 That shoe biz baby.

Speaker 1 Yeah, that's it right there. All right, you do have to wrap.
So we'll just give you a dealer's choice here.

Speaker 1 It's Boner Dogs, or this is Farty. You can decide which one you want to be loosely attached to.
We already have Zach Efron,

Speaker 1 who is

Speaker 1 Adam Sandler.

Speaker 1 Lawrence Taylor is attached to it. Lawrence Taylor.
Yeah, Dan Patrick.

Speaker 1 We have someone already playing the part of the boner

Speaker 1 in Boner Dogs.

Speaker 8 I like Boner Dogs. It's hookier.
Okay, so you're in.

Speaker 1 This is easy. And you're good friends with Adam Sandler.
We actually made this script for Adam Sandler.

Speaker 8 Well, I realize I'm not the lead anymore, but if Adam Sandler. No, you can be the boner.

Speaker 1 You can be the boner. We're

Speaker 1 for you. You can be the voice of the boner.
It's animation. You're Adam's dick.

Speaker 8 Oh, it's animated.

Speaker 1 Yeah, so Adam will be the dog, and you'll be the boner.

Speaker 8 I'm like the little red lipstick.

Speaker 1 Yeah, exactly. They get lost in the woods, and his boner brings them all the way to the

Speaker 1 kind of like a hand song. Gretel meets Rudolph, the red-nosed reindeer.
They're lost in the woods. They all make fun of him because he's got a boner all the time.

Speaker 1 And just drags the dog and drags and leaves a track behind. You like it?

Speaker 8 I would make fun of him.

Speaker 1 Okay. You like it?

Speaker 8 It feels like it needs a bit of a handmaid's tail.

Speaker 1 Okay. Okay.
Woven in. I mean, he can wear one of those little white bonnets the boner so he can't chew on his bones so he can't chew his bony guy yeah yeah yeah yeah

Speaker 1 self-sucking boner all right well

Speaker 1 yes maybe

Speaker 1 you're loosely attached the fact that we met you you're loosely attached

Speaker 1 yes uh david spade thank you so much we appreciate it lights out with david spade comic set till july 29th

Speaker 8 every night at 1130.

Speaker 1 every night at 1130

Speaker 1 every night at 1130 after the daily show

Speaker 1 i honestly didn't know you thank you for it thank you for doing that and uh welcome to Boner Doug. It's going to be great.
In theater soon.

Speaker 8 What is a GHC? What did you say at the end?

Speaker 1 What's that? What's your name? PFT. Oh.

Speaker 1 Yeah.

Speaker 8 I thought it was three other letters. GHB?

Speaker 2 Yeah, I said GHB, but I got it wrong. GHB.

Speaker 1 I got every letter wrong. Hey, one last question.
Do you have Big Dick Energy?

Speaker 1 BDE? Yeah, BDE?

Speaker 8 I have the illusion of BDE.

Speaker 1 That's even better than all of you.

Speaker 1 All you need.

Speaker 8 Yes. By the time they get there, I go, too late.

Speaker 1 That interview with David Spade was brought to you by the Barstool store. The summer collection is here.
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They're awesome. Go to store.barstoolsports.com to shop now.
Okay, let's get to some segments.

Speaker 1 First up, we have a Just Chill Out Man for Sean Lee. Yes.
So he didn't get hurt, though. He did not get hurt.

Speaker 1 Confirmed. So this is from Jane Slater.
She said,

Speaker 1 what kind of guy is Cowboys linebacker Sean Lee?

Speaker 1 Well, he tells us he was staying in Santa Barbara ahead of training camp, which is 45 minutes away from Oxnard, but he flew home to Dallas just to get on the team charter and fly back. Jesus.

Speaker 1 Just chill out. The word try-hard gets thrown around a lot these days, I think.
Oh, man. But I think in this case, there's never been a more try-hard move than Sean Lee doing this.

Speaker 1 But there's a spin zone. Okay.
For every four hours that he's in the air, it's four hours that he's not pulling his hamstring.

Speaker 1 I was going to say, maybe he just wanted to be with his teammates for as long as possible while not being injured. Yeah.

Speaker 1 They should just put him on the International Space Station and bring him down on Sundays. Enjoy this.
Like that old dude from

Speaker 1 Contact that just stayed up in space so that he could live as long as possible. He's a billionaire.
Oh, yeah. He just stayed up there for forever.
I was thinking

Speaker 1 that was a George Clooney movie. That was Gravity.
Gravity, yeah. Where he flew around the Earth in a second.
And I thought he was still alive. Yeah.

Speaker 1 No, but seriously, like, Sean Lee, just keep him trapped in a closet somewhere. Hold on.
I thought they got him back. Wait.

Speaker 1 Do you still think he was still alive?

Speaker 5 I guess I just misremembered the movie.

Speaker 1 When he showed up and he literally

Speaker 1 was outside the space station and then went all the way around the Earth and then showed up and yeah, it was like, Sandra, I'm here. He knocked on the spaceship and door.
Sandra was dreaming.

Speaker 1 Oh, yeah. I misremembered the movie.
All right, good. We cleared that up.
Okay, clear it up. Sean Lee, keep him away from all sorts of walking, running,

Speaker 1 existing

Speaker 1 in a gravitational state.

Speaker 1 Unless it's Sunday. All right.
The next one we have is Way to Stay Relevant Baseball. Trevor Burrus.

Speaker 5 Could have also been a just chill out, man. Just chill out, man.

Speaker 1 Trevor Burrus Bauer got pulled from the game and

Speaker 1 threw the ball over the center field fence. I think it was after he got pulled.
He was getting pulled. He was getting in the process.
He was getting pulled. Terry Francona came out of the dugout.

Speaker 1 He turned around. He whipped it over the center field fence.
And then immediately was like, my bad, coach. My bad.
And Terry Francona was like, are you fucking serious, dude? It was the best.

Speaker 1 That was your problem. It was the best when he put his hand up.
He's like, hey, that one's on you. Yeah, like, hey.

Speaker 1 Yeah, we know i threw that ball we know trevor we got you what what a what a psycho he is and i don't like i go back and forth because every now and then trevor bauer does something that will piss off um some parts of like the the stodgy stoke stogy stodgy stodg stogy stodgy stogy stodgy uh baseball media where i'm like you know what i kind of like trevor bauer because he's making some people that i don't like mad but then he does shit like this and you're like what is wrong with this guy no he's he's probably the dumbest player.

Speaker 1 I was saying,

Speaker 1 I was saying, I was saying,

Speaker 1 but I think he's more dumb because he thinks that he's smart, right? But he's actually really dumb, right? But I was thinking about this earlier. I think that he might be exactly what baseball needs.

Speaker 1 We always talk about like baseball.

Speaker 1 We don't have a face of the game, like lean into marketing. This dumbass, he's basically like if Mr.
Bean played baseball, lean into marketing like a mean-spirited but still spoke, yeah, but still

Speaker 1 spoke. Sometimes, but didn't make sense.
Right. Like, yes, sounds come out of his mouth.
How many people listening to the show know who Mr. Bean is?

Speaker 1 60%.

Speaker 1 Under. I'd say under.
40%. Way under.
60%.

Speaker 1 All the dads listening know. Yeah.
Shout out my dad. He knows Mr.
Bean. Yeah.
That's about it. Florio knows Mr.
Bean. I'm going to get a text from Florio.
Be like, I love that guy.

Speaker 1 Remember when he got his head stuck in a turkey? Yeah.

Speaker 1 Classic gag.

Speaker 1 But yeah, Trevor Bauer, I kind of agree with you. Like,

Speaker 1 he does things that are just so dumb sometimes. You're like, this guy's an asshole.
But you're right. Baseball kind of needs that.
Yes, baseball hasn't really had an asshole for a long time.

Speaker 1 They've had dicks. They've had pussies, but they haven't had assholes.

Speaker 1 And that's what I think when I like Trevor Bauer, it's that he pisses off.

Speaker 1 the guys who won't vote for Greg Maddox Unanimous Hall of Fame. You know what I mean? Those guys who suck and kind of ruin baseball from a media standpoint.

Speaker 1 When Trevor Bauer makes them mad, I'm like, Team Trevor Bauer. When he does shit like this, like, what's this guy's problem?

Speaker 1 I don't think I'm ever really on Trevor Bauer, but I like having somebody that I don't like. I like you, you like knowing that he exists.
I like, yeah, he's a watchful protector.

Speaker 1 Well, I wouldn't know, I don't know what he protects. Like, he cut his hand off with a dream.
That ball. He's the worst ball.
Yeah, that ball did not. That ball's not getting hit anywhere.

Speaker 1 No, it's true. It just died out there in center field.
Joe West tried to call it strike three. So beautiful, right?

Speaker 1 But yeah,

Speaker 1 if you gave Trevor Bauer $10 billion and he tried to become Bruce Wayne with all these whacked out inventions and shit, he would just blow up the earth within two days.

Speaker 1 Well, you'd cut his head off with a drone by accident. Hopefully he would die before he killed everybody else in that point.
But yeah, baseball, market Trevor Bauer. He's a dickhead.

Speaker 1 Nobody really likes him. But you know what? We like to not like people.
Right, exactly. It makes us talk.
It's provocative. It gets the piece of it.
It's a provocateur. Yeah.
All right.

Speaker 1 Last up, we have a Monday reading.

Speaker 1 Let's just hop right into it. The title is, I'm Pregnant and Struggling with My Husband's lack of support regarding my in-laws' behavior.
How can I improve the situation? Some info.

Speaker 1 I've been happily married for 10 years now. I'm still very much in love.
That's how it always starts, by the way. And he's like, guys, don't worry.
I still love my significant other.

Speaker 1 It's just, there's a big thing that is really bothering me, and I'm running into Reddit for it.

Speaker 1 What I'm seeing is that there are a lot of people out there, like, the story always starts with, I'm in love.

Speaker 5 Yeah.

Speaker 1 That must mean like the normal relationships are just between people that don't love each other. Right, right.
All right. And he's my best friend, and we normally never argue.

Speaker 1 I'm not even sure if this was an argument, but it left me feeling lonely, unsupported, and isolated from his side of the family. So that's pretty common.

Speaker 1 The relationship with his parents has been strained. They own a number of mouse figurines.
Yeah. They are made from different materials, and one is a giant paper-mâché called Timothy.

Speaker 1 Each of them has a whole character profile with backstories, personal preferences, family relations, and all of them are seen as part of the family. Timothy is seen as a grandchild.

Speaker 1 So they've done like 23 and me on all these different mice figurines. Now, are these mice figurines, are they homemade? Or are they? Some are, some aren't.
Some aren't, some are, some aren't. Okay.

Speaker 1 They basically just saw Ratatouille and took it too far. It's like the Avatar people who wanted to be an Avatar after they saw it.
Yeah, they got depressed.

Speaker 1 They were upset that they didn't have a rodent that cooked them meals, so they got, yeah, got it.

Speaker 1 All right, what unsettles me is that they constantly talk as them with other mice or each other slash guests. I need to know what the mouse voice sounds like.

Speaker 1 They'll use a high-pitched tone and they'll talk in a manner that little children would use. For instance, my husband's father will squeakingly say, my tummy hurts.
I am hungry.

Speaker 1 While wiggling a mouse plushie in my face. I'm then expected to answer the mouse and get it, not him, something to eat.

Speaker 1 So then they just like fake feed the mouse? They do this. And then the food falls on the ground, which is real mice.
Real mice. They do this constantly.

Speaker 1 In fact, most of the time, the mice are talking, not them.

Speaker 1 Till now, I've never said anything judgy, but I usually avoid talking to the mice and instead address the person talking. That's kind of a you problem.
Talk to the fucking mice.

Speaker 1 Yeah, so play along. Like, if you're a guest in somebody's house, at least pretend to take interest in their mice figurines.

Speaker 1 The other thing is, like, you should probably tell your partner about the mice and the voice. situation before they meet the inlet.
Like, that should be. That's a big time.

Speaker 1 Like, hey, there's, my parents are great. They're loving.
They exclusively talk to each other in mouses. Right.
They think that they're mice figurines.

Speaker 1 That should actually be in her Tinder bio. Yeah.

Speaker 1 I've never talked as a mouse. His parents have noticed this and have often tried forcing me into it.

Speaker 1 They are visibly upset that I won't participate and have gifted me mice figurines on several occasions that I haven't used. They just want to get you in on the party.

Speaker 1 They actually sound like very nice people.

Speaker 1 Everybody has interest. Look,

Speaker 1 if an alien came down from outer space and saw us paying so much attention to football and watching hard knocks and breaking down all 22 for no reason on Twitter, they would probably be like, These guys are a bunch of weirdos.

Speaker 1 They talk in football, guys, saying some colloquialisms. They're literally talking as a walking boot.
Exactly. Yes, there's zero difference.
Mouse thing seems pretty cool.

Speaker 1 There's zero difference between what we do and these people pretending that their mouse figurines are part of their family.

Speaker 1 Look, I understand that it's probably them welcoming into the family, but I'm just too creeped out by it.

Speaker 1 When they visit us, they force me to get them out of the closet, the figurines I'm assuming, and not the people, and display them. And I feel invaded by that.

Speaker 1 At the same time, I feel silly about feeling invaded by inanimate objects. So the mouse is Alphader.
Yes. Totally.
Yeah, absolutely. So you're letting the mouse have power over you right now.

Speaker 1 Today it escalated when we announced that I am pregnant and my father-in-law replied that it would be wonderful. If it was a mouse.
Nope.

Speaker 1 To soon have two grandchildren. By the first, he meant Timothy.
Oh my god.

Speaker 1 For the first time, I got angry and said that he didn't have a grandchild yet, and that my child wasn't comparable to a paper-mâché mouse.

Speaker 1 They got very angry, and I got screamed at as Timothy for disrespecting him. Oh, they screamed in Timothy's voice for disrespect.
Damn, Timothy got a temper. You know what, though?

Speaker 1 I think that's kind of healthy.

Speaker 1 Like, a lot of times, people don't open up with their emotions, and you need to have like an anthropomorphic mouse or just like some, some people do it with sock puppets in therapy.

Speaker 1 This is a very healthy way of getting your feelings out there. It just happens to be through a fake mouse.
Yeah, all right.

Speaker 1 Instead of supporting me, my husband stayed silent the whole time because he fucking loves the mice and later told his brother is Timothy and later told me that many people's stuffed animals talk and that he can't understand how I'm so tolerant in everything but this.

Speaker 1 I was crying at the point, but he didn't comfort me, which is very unlike him. And how I know that he is truly upset as well.

Speaker 1 He should have just come up with the mouse and been like, do you need a hug?

Speaker 1 I've been very sad as I'm family-oriented. No, you're not.
No, you're not family-oriented at all.

Speaker 1 And I've always regretted that I don't feel included in his side of the family.

Speaker 1 His parents have always acted cold towards me, although I've made an effort to take a genuine interest in their lives and to build a bond with them. Again, no, you're not.
No, you're not.

Speaker 1 This is like the most important thing in the world to them. To them, and you hate it.
You hate it so much that you're writing posters online. Now, so Timothy is the grandchild, right? Yeah, yeah.

Speaker 1 So that means that her husband is Timothy's father.

Speaker 1 If it's a grandkid, I think it's a stepbrother, maybe, kind of situation. It feels like I think you, I think Timothy, maybe, yeah.
That's where this is all coming from.

Speaker 1 Oh, and she secretly resents Timothy because Timothy is the son from his first marriage. That's weird.
Timothy from Michele Mouse. Okay, after my outburst, it's obviously even worse.

Speaker 1 I feel lonely and unsure, and I don't know how to act anymore or how to make him understand that I need him to do something.

Speaker 1 If you're lonely, it sounds like there's a bunch of fucking mice that will talk to you.

Speaker 1 Like, you shouldn't be lonely in a house full of mice. Also, mice, like, doing the voice, it's the most happy thing in the world.
Yeah.

Speaker 1 There's a reason Mickey Mouse is the most universally beloved character of all time. You can't be upset and be a mouse.

Speaker 1 Sue, do you think this guy's ever gone up to his wife and been like, hey, want to do anal tight?

Speaker 1 I'm scared that he will drag you. Let me see those titties.
Those titties look good

Speaker 1 for me. Hey, how about a little 69? I'm scared that he will reject me for being difficult and putting him in an uncomfortable position.
But at the same time, I feel like I can't stand this anymore.

Speaker 1 I'm scared that they'll do this to our child. Oh, yeah.
Oh,

Speaker 1 listen up. You bringing this child in the world, that child's best friend's going to be a mice.
Well, how about this?

Speaker 1 How about you just agree to name your kid Mickey if it's a boy or Minnie if it's a girl? Or Tima Fey. Like Tima Fei Mazgoff.
Mouse cough. Yeah, exactly.
There you go.

Speaker 1 So I'm looking for advice on how to deal with this situation. Should I press the issue or accept the situation and try to avoid them? How should I deal with this once our child is born?

Speaker 1 I think you roll with it because you got to fucking be a mouse person. Here's the thing.

Speaker 1 You're actually lucky because you found one of the most interesting families in the world to welcome you in with open arms. And they want to share their most prized possessions.

Speaker 1 They want to share their love with you. Not only that.
That's very rare. Not only that, but you're lucky because guess what? You don't have to actually ever have a conversation with your in-laws.

Speaker 1 You just have to have a conversation with your figurine mice. That's a fucking godsend.
You never have to be like, oh, when are you having kids?

Speaker 1 Well, Well, now you're obviously having kids, but like, you know, oh, how's work doing? Just fucking talk to Timothy the mouse and you're good. You're left alone.

Speaker 1 Or you could go the other way and try to blow the family up by having an affair with Timothy the Mouse. Or

Speaker 1 getting a cat.

Speaker 1 Bringing it to everything. Being like, here's my cat.

Speaker 1 Just throwing it at the mice. My name's Brickles.
I'm a cat. And I'm here.
I'm mighty hungry and I'm looking to take care of some mice.

Speaker 1 What a power move if she just fucking adopted like 10 feral cats.

Speaker 1 I'm a barn cat. Just dominated Timothy.
Either way,

Speaker 1 I think just

Speaker 1 have an affair with Timothy and see how the parents react to that. See who they choose.
If they kick Timothy out or they kick you out, yeah, exactly. All right, that's our Monday reading.

Speaker 1 Wednesday, we have Nikki Bella, very, very fun interview, and a Mount Rushmore

Speaker 1 with a recurring guest from the first two months of Pardon My Take history. An old, old-time recurring guest.
So get ready. Love you guys.

Speaker 1 Take

Speaker 1 on

Speaker 1 me.

Speaker 1 Take on me. Take

Speaker 1 me.

Speaker 1 Take on me.

Speaker 1 I'll be

Speaker 1 God.

Speaker 1 It's a day of you.

Speaker 1 So needless to say

Speaker 1 I didn't

Speaker 1 bumpy, stumbling away.

Speaker 1 Show me, life is okay.

Speaker 1 Stay after me.

Speaker 1 It's almost better than we say. Sorry,

Speaker 1 take on me. Say

Speaker 1 me,

Speaker 1 take on me.

Speaker 1 I'll

Speaker 1 be

Speaker 1 God

Speaker 1 is yours too.

Speaker 1 It's Card and My Take presented by Bar School Sports.