David Spade, DeAndre Jordan, Mt Rushmore Of Airport People And Monday Reading

Hey, Pardon My Take listeners, you can find every episode on Apple Podcasts, Spotify, or YouTube. Prime members can listen ad-free on Amazon Music.
On today's Pardon My Take, we have a twofer for the people, David Spade and DeAndre Jordan. DeAndre Jordan's going to get us Kevin Durant, David Spade, a legend of the game.
He's got a new show coming out. We also have Who's Back of the Week,

Mount Rushmore of annoying airport people

with a personal story from our producer, Bubba.

The award-winning listeners are going to be the judge, jury, and executioner.

He knows.

I told him.

I told him.

And we're on.

I told you.

They're going to decide your punishment.

Okay.

Your fate is in hand.

So I just told them again.

I just told them for the first time.

I'll see you next time. them uh and we're on i told you they're going to decide your punishment okay all right so i just told them again i just told them for the first time uh the we are on the road and we'll get to all of that the barstool golf time app makes it easy for golfers to find the best tee times at the best prices stop searching all over google for your next tee time start searching multiple courses in your area from one.
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now. Okay, let's go.
Hey! We're all on the sun, oh no We're gonna rock down to Electric Avenue And then we'll take it higher Oh, we're gonna rock down to Electric Avenue It's Pardon My Take, presented by Barstool Sports Welcome to Pardon My Take, presented by the Cash App Go download it right now, put in code BARSTOOL. Get $5 and $5 to ASPCA.
Today is Monday, July 29th, and we are in a hotel room in Detroit. Yes.
So welcome to the show. And guess what? I know what you're thinking right now.
You're like, shit, the guys are on the road. They're doing some training camp interviews for next week's training camp tour week.
This is going to suck because you won't get any sirens during the episode. Fear not.
We have one of the best sirens of all time in the David Spade interview. It's a doozy.
It was loud. He actually stopped in the middle of the interview and he looked around.
He was like, is this a bit? Are we doing a bit right now? We're like, kind of. That's the beauty of our show is we take the very worst accidental qualities and then turn it into an intentional bit.
Right. So, yeah, it was a joke.
Pranks on you, David. So I know you were probably like, oh, my God, these guys are in a hotel room.
I might not get pulled over on the way to work today. Nope.
He's still going to get it. So we have two interviews coming up.
up and also if you're wondering if we all share

a hotel room on the road we do yeah so we're building the fort and we're going to pod maybe podcast later on this week from there yeah exactly so uh the other big news our guy brooks koepka blake koepka is the greatest golfer of all time brooks this year when the saint jude tournament So I don't understand how it works, but I just know that this one triggered all the other finishes, and now he won it all. So he's in first place overall and first place in FedEx points, which means something.
He can't be caught. It's not bad.
You want a shitload of money. It's not bad to be in first place in FedEx.
That's all I know. Right.
Don't really know how that playoff system works. Basically, just golf wants to stay relevant through football season.
Right. And the way they could do it is they're like, hey, let's just do a playoff.
Basically, it comes down to our guy. We've never had a number one golfer for the show until this past year.
And funny enough, he also is the number one golfer in the world. Funny how that works.
It comes down to our guy against the world. Right.
The world is miles behind. We are fucking the center of the earth right now.
Skull fucked the world. I'm putting my...
Via Brooks kept his beautiful sweet biceps. Putting my dick in a geyser and just spewging down into the mantle of the crust.
The big one? Oh, yeah. Yeah, if California slides in the ocean tomorrow, it's because I nutted too hard.
I want to say this right now. If you ever want to get super high and get really scared, look up the Super Volcano.
Yeah. That shit's going to blow.
We're all fucked. Yeah, we're all.
He's the bottom line when he comes to Super Volcano. Except Brooks.
He's got so much money, he can build a biodome and we can maybe be invited into it. He's also in South Africa, which is as far away from Montana as you can possibly get.

True. So Brooks is the best.

Training camps continue to open. By the

way, I have not seen a tweet from Brandel

Chambles.

Every time I go in to

type his name into Twitter, I don't even

know how to spell it because I mess it up so many times.

Bricksless Chamblos. Yeah, Brandy

Chambles. Brandy Chastain.

He has yet to tweet or take off his top. And so we're going to wait for that.
Not confirmed. But Gucci gang rides on.
Brooks is the golfer of the year. We'll get him back on soon to talk about just dominating the fuck out of the golf world.
Which we don't care about. The shitty part about having a golfer that's our friend that's so good at golf is like, I don't want to him on every week he wants too much like he we don't need to talk to blake every single week but the nice thing is brooks doesn't like golf as much as we don't like golf yeah so it's like we're we are the we're the original punk rock rockers of golf yeah fuck you go we hate golf but we win it all the time um All right, so other news.
We had more training camps. All the training camps have started.
That official moment where every single training camp has reported, Adam Schefter usually does a tweet like, the Texans, the Raiders, the Broncos, and the Seahawks all report tomorrow, and then all 32 teams have reported, and it's like, yes, we're here. It feels good.
We're starting some training camp tour interviews. Next week, football will officially be back on this show.
And Antonio Brown's still a jackass and he came in a hot air balloon. That's pretty great, though.
I kind of like that. Except for the fact that he didn't practice the first day.
You can't get any more ridiculous than that. I'm trying to think.
Gruden was not happy. Transportation that's more likely to piss off John Gruden than arriving in a hot air balloon and i don't think that one exists like a zip line maybe a zip line from like the top of the golden gate bridge all the way into the stadium yeah i don't if you had been carried in by like by by like a group of sick children like he was cleopatra yeah maybe that would have pissed maybe a hoverboard of some kind some kind of drone I feel like John Gruden doesn't like anything that's new technology wise so yeah maybe like oh maybe if Antonio Brown showed up as a Tupac hologram he's like I'll be here later if hologram showed up yeah that would probably piss him off a lot by the way let's squad on that that will happen eventually in the next like 10 years a hologram will arrive for the player and then they'll show up later i can't the greatest entrance i can't wait for the football coach whoever it is to react to that yes um well one day football is just going to be played by holograms yes and you know it's going another thing football is gonna be plagued by the other big story is every running back ever thinking that they still deserve money and that football is uh still in like 1984 well so i get it with ezekiel elliott this is the take i'm willing to squat on okay i would pay ezekiel elliott first i would pay him before dac i'd pay him before amari i agree with i think he's worth it melvin gordon he's awesome but i don't know that he's worth as much as he wants to be paid ezekiel elliott has been the best running league, numbers-wise, barring his suspension.
He was suspended for, what, how many games? Well, when he jumped into the Salvation Army thing and stole all the money off. No, no, no, but didn't he miss the start of a season? Yes.
Yeah, right. But if you look at all his numbers...
He can really take the top off of Ezekiel. The last three or four years, he's been worth it.
I would agree... I don't know.
I wouldn't pay any running back. I wouldn't pay any running back.
You just have him work for free. Yeah, I would not.
Internship. Tell you what, we'll give you a job for the experience.
You can make slideshows for us. It'll be like the Bleacher Report model of running backs.
Obviously, I'd pay him, but I wouldn't pay him the max money. I mean, Todd Gurley's knee is never.
That's a story we're just not talking about well careful careful shafter remember todd girley you don't know his hipaa cam newton doesn't know how to throw because his shoulders come out of his socket a million times todd girley's knee doesn't work anymore yeah so yeah you're right there are a lot of holdouts and then you got trent richardson i think he's just breaking up with the redskins he holding oh no he's just breaking up with him wait so he's still under contract wait wait you just said Trent Richardson. I'm sorry, not Trent Richardson.
I was like's just breaking up with the Redskins. Is he holding? Oh.
No, he's just breaking up with them.

Wait.

So he's still under contract.

Wait, wait.

You just said Trent Richardson.

Sorry, not Trent Richardson.

I was like, is Trent Richardson holding out?

No, Trent Richardson has been holding out for the last four years from the NFL.

And because they just won't pay him enough money.

Yeah.

Someone.

Which is anything above zero dollars.

Someone will be like, you know what?

Let's end this holdout.

Trent Richardson, come on back.

My holdout, I'm currently a free agent. Yeah.
But I'm holding as well no trent williams has broken up with the redskins uh because they he doesn't trust their team which is just fair very smart probably fair probably the smartest thing any nfl player has ever done but he had like the the reason that he doesn't trust their medical staff is he had like an off-season scalp surgery yeah and then uh they misdiagnosed it and his his doctor was like yeah you need the scalp surgery he's like okay i'm not playing for the team anymore so i don't know what's going on there never mind what nothing i was yeah no one i'm not gonna go there yeah no no um the other story is the moving on the the no one's going to play wide receiver for the Giants. That's great.
Well, Tate's suspended for four games. Who else got – someone got – Corey Coleman.
The fact that they were saying Corey Coleman's out for the year. Like, dude, Corey Coleman stinks.
He's always out for the year. He's not good.
He's been on like six teams, and he was a Baylor wide receiver. Right, so it's Corey Coleman.
Shepard is out, too, because he broke his thumb because Eli Manning's arm's too strong, and he threw a pass and it broke his thumb. Yep.
And if I was going back through the list of Giants wide receivers that have played with Eli Manning, there's something wrong with Eli. Eli injures his wide receivers.
Or has them shoot themselves. Yeah.
So, no, let's go through the list because that was on my list. Plaxicoris shot himself yes okay number two uh yeah hakeem nicks he was just constantly injured he came into the league injured never got right uh you go down the list even further uh victor cruz who said he's ready to be come back ted cruz yeah but he's ready well he's quit a while ago well now he's going to come back he's at esp he sees the depth chart, he's like, yeah, I could work there.
But yeah, Torres Patello-Tendon. Odell Beckham, he was always hurt.
JPP had hand injuries as well. Not a wide receiver, but still counts.
Not a wide receiver, but still was one of the locker room devastations caused by Eli Manning. Well, here's the thing.
You're probably sitting here saying, oh my God, what are the Giants going to do? Well, I'll tell you what they're going to do because they've made an official statement that the Giants... Have Saquon play every position.
No, the Giants are going to stick with Eli Manning as long as they're in playoff contention. So Eli Manning's no longer the starting quarterback.
Well, no, until week seven. Yeah.
I mean, they are not in playoff contention as of right now. They are.
They're not in playoff contention. It's...
Oh my God. They're at the top of the league.
Yeah, top of the table. Undefeated.
That's true. Alphabetically speaking, are they in first place in the NFC East? I don't know how they do it.
So there's the R words. No, the Cowboys are in first place.
Yeah, the Cowboys are in first place. Cowboys are in first place in the NFC East.
They're already out. Giants are wildcard, though.
Giants are wildcard. Let's do our who's back, and then we'll get to our Mount Rushmore of annoying airport people.
Hank, start with our who's back. My who's back of the week is LeBron Ball.
So he was at his son's AAU tournament. I like it, Hank.
Go off. Son was playing in the championship of some AAU shit.
LeBron got in the layup line. Yeah, he did.
Literally in the layup line. It was like throwing down dunks.
He should have got a technical foul. Like they scored.
He ran on the court, was celebrating with the team. You're not allowed to dunk in the layup line.
That is a technical foul. No, and you're definitely not allowed to run on the court as a fan.
He's just there watching your son play and you're just running on the court. You should get arrested.
Most people will get kicked out of the... It's a player safety player safety issue yes how come when you see a guy go up on a baseball field from the stands to try to shake the batter's hand in a hilarious video how come that guy gets arrested and lebron james just gets to go back on the sidelines it's a player safety issue it's also a basket safety issue he could have broken the goal delayed the game who knows how long and he's in the locker room celebrating team after.
It's like, if you're going to care that much, you should just coach. And if you're not going to coach, you should let the team celebrate as a team.
It's selfish. It's fucked up.
I feel bad for the kids. He's essentially a shooter from Hoosiers.
Who's that? Dustin, what was it? I always get it wrong. Hoffman.
No, it's not. Dennis Hopper.
Yeah, Dennis Hopper. He's drunk's drunk walking on the court and he's embarrassing his son that is Hoosiers that is a plot to Hoosiers and you know what this is just a microcosm we see in our society of just drunk pitch invaders everywhere yeah he's a symptom I don't blame LeBron I blame the culture of sports blogs out there that glorify that dude I blame LeBron you know what let's take a stand that clip is so funny of him dunking in the layup line and people are mad because the the like i i tweeted about how i will never do that to my son because i'm a good father and i won't dunk in any layup lines but people are saying that uh all you lebron haters just hate on everything it's a cool moment i don't know man seemed pretty dangerous seemed like he was taking time away from the kids seemed like the rim probably the next dunk that goes down the backboard's going to come down yeah to get prepared for the game you're not to play lebron's not playing in the game well no see as a lebron stand i kind of see the other side because he'll take any chance to get on the court with teammates that he hasn't alienated yet yeah so like the fact that these kids don't hate him wait we will you don't think he's tried to trade Bronny Jr.'s teammates yet? I don't know.
I can't confirm. I don't know.
I'm saying I haven't seen the reports. Okay, so the alternate sides, because we'll give, in fairness, both sides, it would probably be cool to have LeBron James dunking in your layup line if you're like a kid who's never going to

amount to anything in basketball yeah but imagine like you're a kid who just plays in an AAU team you're not going to go to college to play basketball you can be like that one time LeBron dunked in the layup line but that point is erroneous simply because I don't like LeBron imagine shooting like a hairball and having to worry about drunk LeBron lashing out at you and like telling him to pass the ball.

Imagine if he fell into a kid

and he tore his ACL.

If he did like a air ball and having to worry about drunk LeBron lashing out at you and like telling him to pass the ball. Imagine if he fell into a kid and he tore his ACL.
If he did like a windmill 360 and fell into a kid. I mean, it could happen.
It could happen. It really could.
It really could. And the fact that he did two dunks.
You know how – One dunk is okay. One dunk spur of the moment.
You're excited. You want to get out there.
And the first dunk that he did, he didn't even really touch the rim rim he like jumped above it and did the Dwight Howard like throw down thing that's not even that cool if you're going to go out there and do a dunk do a windmill throw it off the backboard he realizes his first dunk sucked and probably took away from the motivation of his team right exactly he coached on that team by the way uh well I mean he's the coach is definitely looking over his shoulder well yeah that's what coaches do around lebron i'm always always like uh-oh uh he's probably just doing these dunks to hide from the fact that taco tuesday is racist well let's also talk about the fact that yeah have you seen that take people have that take i i typed in lebron taco tuesday to watch the video and it auto-completed lebron taco tuesday is racist well i I would be more offended because tacos. Well, one, we all know they're awesome.
He does not name like meals. It's racist because.
Well, he did. No, no, no, no, no.
A little bit of a. At the end of one.
They gave tacos the worst day of the week. Yeah.
It should be a taco. Taco Friday would be awesome.
That's true. That's true.
Taco Saturday night. Pretty dope.
That's great, too. Nothing racist about that.
Once you start saying Taco Tuesday, Taco Wednesday brunch. It's problematic.
It's very problematic. It's problematic.
All right, PFC, what do you have? Well, my who's back of the week was going to be Eli because he's out there breaking his receiver's hands. But instead, I'm going to go – I'm going to switch up.
Skip Bayless is back. Oh.
Skip Bayless has, he has been hurting recently because Stephen A. Smith has been getting all the spotlight.
Everyone's talking about Stephen A. Smith.
He's about to get $10 million from ESPN. Yep.
He's everywhere. He's forgetting players' names that haven't even been born yet.
He's killing it. Skip Bayless had to get his name in the news, so he did an interview, I think it was with the Sporting News, on Friday, and he came out as a communist skip bayless is a communist he was like i'm a communist man i've never gotten along well with the white establishment man i don't play by the rules so shout out skip bayless 20 million dollars in his career of just being a hot take artist exactly it pays pretty well i mean like he doesn't like lebron james and lebron james he's gotten many coaches fired and he's a job creator so as a communist skip bayless is fighting back against the bourgeois there we go class uh but yeah so it's it's actually interesting because steven a smith has been talking about donald trump recently and and like glowing terms because i guess donald trump gave steven a smith some good advice early in his career okay, Skip Bayless is coming out hardcore left.
This is all tying back to my theory that they just want to get back together and debate. They're even debating against each other when they're not talking to each other.
They should just go so hard on each political spectrum that they meet in the middle. Or the other end.
Come out the ass end. The horseshoe theory.
Yeah, they come out the ass end. And they just become fascists.
Yeah, we're all the same when we put people in camps. Right, exactly.
That kind of bullshit, yeah. Yeah, so Skip Bayless, I think he's, I mean, let's be real.
I can see a world like 10 years from now, 15 years from now, where the two candidates for president are Skip Bayless and Stephen A. Smith.
And then they run together. And then they're co-presidents.
Yeah, they're debating, and they realize that they love debating each other so much in the final debate that they just kiss and form a super ticket. I think you just remade House of Cards Season 8.
There we go. I don't know what happened in Season 7, but I assume we had it open for Season 8.
I'm sure there's a plot opening. We can't talk about House of Cards.
All right, my who's back is Hank growing up. So Hank tweeted today that he's working on a two-day hangover.
And our little boy's all grown up. So you're 26 now? 26.
This is right when it's – you still have your prime drinking years still left. Maybe not prime drinking years.
That's a little bit younger. But you still have some years left.
However, the two-day hangover, once it pops up up it will always stay in your mind and i said the three-day is when it's over i i remember vividly i went on a bachelor party like three years ago and i was still hung over on wednesday and i was like that's it yep but you this is like the first time you had uh heartburn a couple years ago it's so great watching you grow up i I'm very proud of you. Yeah, we went to Chapel Hill like last week

for Rough and Rowdy and I was like, damn, it's been

like four years since I've been here as a

21-year-old. Fuck, like I'm old.

It's all starting to hit me. Two-day hangover.

Hank, I would say that, yeah, 26

is like, that's prime drinking years.

You have,

here's what's going to happen.

Since you got your first two- I don't think so. I couldn't.

Since you got your first two-day hangover, Big Cat's cat's right it's gonna it's gonna be in the back of your head correct the next time that you drink and that's what makes it even worse and you're gonna get more and more of them because you'll start drinking and then you'll think oh shit i'm gonna be hung over for two days you're and then you'll psych yourself into actually having the two-day hang you're like derrick rose after his first first ACL going up for a dunk being like, will it happen again? It's always going to be in that like 100% explosiveness is now gone. You're at 95 and it might go down.
I think I'm at like 60. Okay.
We should start betting against LeBron like three days after holidays because he's at that age when he's going to get the three day hangover. Only Taco Tuesday.
All right. Before we get to get to our mount rushmore good boys what if the guys who made some of the most outrageous r-rated comedies like super bad and sausage party decided to make an r-rated comedy starring 12 year old boys well they did and the result is this hilarious new movie good boys good boys follows three in over their heads sixth graders as they skip school one day to do whatever it takes to learn how to kiss before their first middle school party.
The thing is, they're just completely clueless about all the inappropriate situations they get themselves into along the way, like accidentally getting involved in a drug deal, causing crazy car crashes and mistaking sex toys nunchucks. You've definitely never seen a movie like this before.
It's so funny watching these innocent 12 year olds try to navigate an adult world full of sex, drugs, violence, and profanity. It's super inappropriate and R rated, but there's also a sweetness to the movie with the boys friendships at the center of it all.
And ever since South by Southwest early audiences and critics have been raving about good boys saying that you'll laugh for 90 minutes straight. They're calling it delightfully inappropriate, wildly raunchy, and undeniably sweet.
Check out Good Boys in theaters August 16th. All right.
Mount Rushmore of annoying travel people. Can I airport people? Set some ground rules up front.
Sure. You said travel people right there.
Airport people. Does this include on the plane? Yeah.
Okay. Yeah.
All right. It's a full trip.
It's the minute you show up to the minute you get back in a car. Gotcha.
Before we do that, though, we need the AWL's help. So Bubba, our fourth producer, our fourth member of the show.
Who we love. Who we love.
He had a little bit of a Jimbo today. So we flew to Cleveland.
We had a big interview for training camp week next week. And Bubba was just nowhere to be seen.
We were supposed to meet. He and I were supposed to meet at the front door so that we could pay for the check bags.
Texted him, texted him, called him. Nothing.
He called me 10 minutes before our flight saying, I slept through my alarms and I i'm not here and he had like half the equipment that we needed for the interview in his bags now i i do understand that bubba's had issues in the past with alarms because when we're on grit week i was in the room across the hall from him and every morning his alarm would wake me up and i'd have to go into his room and his phone would be right next to his head going off but he would be asleep I'd be like Bubba get your phone and he then he'd wake up and turn it off so we talk a lot of shit about Hank not being a morning person but he is growing up yeah he's growing up he hasn't got hangovers and heartburn he might puke on the plane from takeoff and motion sickness but he'll be there on time but Bubba missed this one so Bubba do you want to you want to explain what happened real quick to the people um because this is I mean trust is at all time low you know that yes you know that no I'm very well aware um yeah I'm just the worst like morning person ever I didn't even do anything last night like I didn't go out we texted at 11 with a plan 11 p.m and no i was literally

like sitting on my couch when i texted you like had my bag packed and everything just i usually go i have to go um like laptop alarm and phone alarm laptop alarm is a crazy wow that's an insane move yeah all right so put a program on my computer so it like never closes So what happened?

Both went off?

Did you wake up with both alarms just blaring?

Yeah. What the fuck is wrong with you, dude? There's just something wrong with me.
I'm like the heaviest sleeper ever. I actually had an idea to address this exact sort of thing because I know a lot of people that sleep through alarms.
There should be a pain alarm. Like an alarm where when it goes off, it buzzes you.
I would use it you either that or like admits like a little bit of pepper spray into the room so you wake up your eyes are watering kind of like smelling salts for you okay so that might be one of the solutions actually you know what so this is what we're gonna do i'll mace you every morning at eight o'clock all right so the first thing is we need people to figure out a way to get bubba to never have this happen again the second thing we're gonna do is you have a punishment and we're all gonna decide we're all gonna throw one out there and then the AWLs are gonna get to decide the fourth and then we're gonna vote on it okay so I guess my punishment actually will be you have to wear a shock collar just around yeah for a week he doesn't really talk that much though well if he falls asleep we'll shock him tell you what you'll have to wear a shock collar, and we'll ask you a lot of questions. Yeah.
And we'll... Yeah.
Okay. We'll shock you once.
We'll tase you once. More than once.
That's probably not right. No.
Okay. So, my idea is do something with a shock collar.
Okay. Open-ended.
Shock collar involved. What is yours, PFT? Mine is that for a week...
Let's call it a week and a half. You have to take Uber Pools everywhere you go instead document it.
And screenshot it. And document it.
And then tell us the stories about the fun people that you got to meet along the way. And explain to people why you're wearing a shock collar while you're in them.
Mine is that you have to sing Take On Me for the end of the show. That's a pretty good one, too.
Full rendition. Full send, full song.
How about Electric Avenue, too? Okay. Both.
I don't know. I want people to listen to the show.
Okay. All right.
So take on me full rendition acapella? Yep. Okay.
All right. And so now the fourth option will be the best tweet that gets the most likes when we tweet out the show and you get to this part.
And then we will put it in a poll in the afternoon and we'll decide. Well, Bubba, do you have any suggestions? No.
For what your punishment should be? You're just going to take your punishment. Yeah.
Yeah. Okay.
All right. That's what I do around here.
Yeah. Okay.
That's very true. Maybe we'll get...
You know what? Instead of shock collar, because that's probably too mean, like hazing-like, let's just say you have to take... Let's say you have to go to a sleep study on your own dime.
That would be my choice. So you have to go get a sleep study and figure out what the fuck is wrong with you.
That sounds expensive. Yeah.
I don't even know what that is. It is.
Yeah. Well, I'll find it and you'll go to it.
Okay. Okay.
So that will be my choice. Sleep study for Bubba.
And then the fourth is for the AWS. All right.
So Mount Rushmore of annoying travel people off the board is already the producer that just sleeps through both of his alarms and misses a big interview. Who goes first before we figure out who goes first for mount rushmore don't forget that you can watch this entire contentious mount rushmore and our interviews with david spade and deandre jordan on barstool gold to do that go to barstoolgold.com slash pmt that's barstoolgold.com slash pmt you can watch all episodes of part of my take plus every month we do a bonus episode with some type of specialist or someone interesting in the world that's barstoolgold.com slash PMT and now back to Mel Rushmore shoot I went first last time so I think I think it's you and then then you then me then Hank yeah okay alright my first pick I'm gonna go with I kind of to do this because uh it's a little bit of my brand but i'm just gonna go the uh complainer the airline complainer at the gate who has decided that this travel like whatever happened to them is the worst thing in the world and it's not like every other travel minor inconvenience you've had they yell they scream they berate people they make a scene and they make it so much worse for everyone else.
Yeah. My favorite is when there's like a hardcore storm and the plane's not taking off and they get pissed off about it.
How could this plane not be going off? Well, dude, look the fuck outside. Listen, if there's, if you're at the airport and there's an hour long or more travel delay, yeah, that's God telling you to go drink an airport beer.
Yes. So the travel complainer is my number one.
Obviously, they're going to tweet too. They'll probably stand there and tweet as well.
And then I'll have to help them if they have a blue checkbook. Imagine tweeting at an airline if you don't have a blue checkbook.
That's why I never do it. Or do it.
Yeah. So travel complainer, number one.
All right. My number one, this I think is a pretty common one for a lot of people.
Okay. The barefoot person on the plane.
The person who puts their feet up and there are just toes everywhere. It's just gross.
I don't care how clean your feet are. When I look at a foot I assume it's dirty and I imagine the smell even if it doesn't stink.
Question. Socks on, shoes off cross country.
That can be appropriate. I think that's fair.
Over three hours, I think it's okay. At times, as long as you keep your feet under the seat.
Yeah, like if you have a night flight, if you have a red eye, that's fair. That's fair.
But the second that you bring your feet, your stocking feet above knee level, then we've got problems. Like, bro, if you're going from Jersey to Pittsburgh, keep the fucking shoes on.
Right. Okay.
Hank, you got two. I got two.
Who flies from Jersey to Pittsburgh? I don't know. That's probably just a stinky flight.
No, fucking... Dude, Goodfellas.
Oh, is that Goodfellas? Is that what they're good? I thought you were going to say that was a cocaine transportation. Probably Ross Tucker.
Yeah. I think he makes that flight a lot, too.
I will go with an easy one. I feel like this is common, too.
The people that get up way too early, like, this flight is about to board. We're going to start with first class and people in the armed services and then everyone just stands up.
Wait, wait. Are you saying that you don't think that troops should be allowed to board? No, I'm saying if you're in group five and they What if there's a war that happens at the other end of the flight and they need to get off first? You're in group five and the first thing they always say is we're going to start boarding with first class and the troops, which is very fair.
The troops should go on first before first class. That's not what I'm saying.
I'm saying if you're in group five and you go and then stand and just wait at the gate, I hate you. I do that and you do that.
Big Cat. You do that, Hank.
No, Big Cat bullies people into doing it. Yes, confirmed.
Yes. Hank was some self-hatred.
We do that together. No, here's the behind the scenes.
We're the biggest thieves, bro. Here's the behind the scenes because there are very few things that I don't like about you guys because I like most of the stuff that the stuff that you do okay but let's get it out there i don't like the fact that big cat will always go like three boarding groups ahead of his assigned all right here's what yeah this is i you know and then he but he does bully people he bullies hank into going with it's a free hey so hank does it yeah no no i like to live life on the edge big cat i'm a little bit of bit of a wild boy.
Sometimes if I'm in group five, I'll just fucking go up there. Same.
But that's the same thing. That's the exact same thing.
No, no, no. I don't wait.
Oh, I don't wait either. No, I don't wait, PFC.
I take my turn. No, no, no.
Wait. I don't wait for my turn.
Let's clarify. I stand up and just go on to the point.
Because what you're saying is I agree that I do what Hank just said. We do that together.
We just say, fuck it. We're just going to go with group one.
But we don't go and stand and pound right up at the door. No, you don't clog the aisle.
No, no, no. I don't do that.
You just break the law. Yeah, we break the law.
Yeah, you just break the law. That's good clarification.
I'm fine with what we do, Hank. What did you say? Yeah.
That's a bad boy life. Yeah, wild boy.
Listen, I know that this is probably going to be bad because now if everyone does it, it will never work. Yeah, they never like hey you're group five not group two they just don't they don't you just get to go I think I think it's a dirty move okay you guys need to have some sympathy for the airlines and the employees that work there I mean that's fine uh I hope the next time you tweet in an airline they're like fuck you we're not gonna help you out at help you out at all because you break our rules.
Well, I never tweet for myself, so it's for anyone else. It's helping someone else out.
People that sit next to me that are larger than 6'4". Oh, nice cutoff.
Okay. Safe.
A little bit heightest. Yeah.
That's fine. Why? I mean, what does the Mount Rushmore have? Yeah, yeah.
No, no, that's fair. Annoying travel.
Annoying travel people. Yeah.
I love when I sit next to like to like a 580 because it's like you don't need space i know it's great they're so small we'll put you in my pocket uh my next one is going to be uh well it's a close relative of what hank just said the guy that oh people that don't know how to exit a plane i think i mentioned this on another mount rushmore it's Exodus. That's my favorite chapter of the Bible.
But no, when you get up to leave a plane, the second that it lands, and you clog the fucking aisle, and nobody can get out of their seats, there's a reason that there's an order to get out of the plane. Did you use that one before? Yeah.
Yes, I just said it was one of the... We were talking about airlines, but this is an annoying travel person.
It's a good pick. It is my...
He needs all the help you can get. Shut the shut the fuck up it is actually i was going to do this number one but then i thought about feet okay and then i was like yeah that's good person has to be all right uh my next pick i'm gonna go hot food on the plane guy who brings it in with him dude if you're bringing like a whole chinese food and then popping it open right when we sit down you're an asshole and it smells everywhere that's the worst just eat it outside is it possible for hot food to smell good on a plane no i don't think so i think it could be like the best smelling meal in the world cinnabon and in the no even the cinnabon yeah in the the context of a plane yeah you smell it and you assume the worst also a tuna like if so dude if you do a tuna that's you should be canceled shrimp you

shouldn't eat shrimp yeah you see people do that though or people will bring like a tupperware with

like their leftover food from home beans like what are you doing um all right so that's my next one

and i'll go with my third pick i'm gonna go with uh cell phone talker on the plane or at the gate

super loud no one can go anywhere and you're just having a full on conversation in everyone's face. It's the same person everywhere.
Like that person just goes through their life and they're just an asshole with everyone they get in touch with. Okay.
All right. My next one is going to be the person that drives the little motorized cart through the airport with the smallest, most silent horn ever invented.
They don't even really have a horn. It's just a guy going like, and they almost run you over every single time.
Catch you off guard. And those things go pretty quick, too.
They go like probably 15, 20 miles an hour. Yeah.
They could kill somebody. Yes.
Yes, that's a good pick. All right, Hank.
You got your last two. The person who, when it's at the gate, they put their seat and luggage on the seat next to them so that the seat's not open.
So if there's nowhere to sit and then you have to go and be like, hey, is someone sitting there? Can you move your shit? I want to sit down because this is a fucking seat, not a place to put your bag. That's annoying.
That's a good one. Very good one.
Okay. And then my last one, I don't know.

People that don't clap when the plane lands.

That's a good pick.

We just came 30,000 feet in the sky.

You were just flying in the air, and the pilot landed on the ground safely.

Hank, you just traveled hundreds and hundreds of miles in the air,

and you're not going to clap and appreciate what the pilot just did for you?

Let me ask you a question, Hank. You just went on vacation to the, to Bermuda, Bahamas, it's tough for me to keep track.
Everyone clapped when they landed, right? Oh yeah. Yeah.
When you go to an island vacation, everyone claps. It's awesome.
It is great. There's also nothing better than like, sometimes I ironically will just start a clap.
Like I'll do one just to see if I can get it going. I do that that in movies sometimes too.
It's tough. Unless you're going on vacation, like an island vacation or Vegas, people will clap for the Vegas land.
No, but sometimes they're all drunk. Sometimes I'll just start a one-two, and then they'll get five or six people.
I agree with you. You've got to clap.
People that didn't live in the immediate post-9-11 era will never understand this, but for the next year, when your plane would land, everybody would clap. Oh, yeah.
It was like such a relief. And chant USA.
Yeah, chant USA. For real? Yeah, no.
Not really, but kind of. I flew like a...
There was a plane crash in New York that happened like a month after 9-11. Sully? Is that you? Everybody thought it was terrorism, right? And so I flew that day right after that plane crash.
Nobody knew if it was terrorism or not. And when we landed, everybody stood up and applauded, high-fived their neighbor.
Like Cal Ripken standing up. We did it together, yeah.
The pilot made a lap around the plane on a horse in Wade Boggs. So my last pick, this is an easy one, a person that shits in the airplane bathroom.
Okay. Especially if you happen to be in that last room but you now hank just made this look well you're a shitter in airplane i've never shit in an airplane bathroom dude what like wait oh air i thought you meant airport okay all right yes airport bathrooms airport bathroom every time i get off the plane yeah okay hank may look like he's a serial airport bathroom shirt i'm i am of the belief that when you have to poop, you poop.
PFT? True, but you can always do it. Stop Boris's office.
True. No, I know.
I held it. I held it.
That's a direct refutation of Hank's point. People shit on me for shitting in jail, and it's like I was in jail for 13 hours.
I had to poop. I'm on the plane for five hours you're gonna poop like okay you could you could hurt yourself we don't poop it ruins the traveling

experience for everybody um all right my last pick is going to be the tsa guy who asked too

many questions the agent when you have to give them your id they oh you ever get the one where

it's like what's your name or where are you flying and it's the easiest question but you always blank

you're like uh oh shit what is my name because you think you're in trouble that one always fucks me up it always spins me out like the you get up there and they're like uh so where are you flying you're like tim's house you're like what like i mean uh fucking minnesota i don't know and you have a connecting flight sometimes you're like do you want to know which airport i'm laying over in i don't know what what it is about the tsa because they just for some reason, they're not even cops, you're not even real cops, but you're like, do you want to know which airport I'm laying over in? I don't know what it is about the TSA because they just, for some reason, they're not even cops. You're not even real cops.
But you show up and they're like, what's your name? And you like stutter because you just can't get it right away because you don't expect it. You know what the worst is when that happens when you're flying out of the Vegas airport and you're at the start of a three-day hangover and your brain doesn't connect to your mouth just yet? The worst.
Yeah, that was tough. I was trying to explain what the hell.
I had a keg tap in my bag when I was flying back, and they were asking me what that was, and I just couldn't get the word out. And so, you know what? I just said, just throw it away.
Dude, there's always one TSA agent who just thinks he's like an FBI agent and just grilling everyone and just doing the whole thing where it just fucks everyone up. All right.
Any honorable mentions? I had the person who stands on the moving walkway. Come on.
Like the whole reason for the moving walkway is that you feel like you're going super fast. At least move to the right.
Cheetah. The small talker in the seat next to you.
I just don't even. I won't even acknowledge that.
But if it's like a nice Midwestern older woman older woman that's like being very nice you get stuck with that oh it's actually worse if the two people next to you are doing the small talking that's where I'll entertain it if it's like an older lady I'll make an effort I'll make a real good effort yeah yeah well I'm a feminist when it comes to talking with old ladies um how about the how about the guy in the in the bathroom at the airport with way too much luggage? And like, you can't even get to the urinal because he's got like six bags that he brought in with him to the bathroom. Right, his roller suitcase is taking a leak.
I know you probably aren't traveling with anyone, but it's still a fucking annoying thing to do. How about the guy that yells at people for cutting in line when they're going to be late for their plane? That guy's the worst.
Nope, The person who decides to be late because they can't fucking time it out right. Actually, you know what guy really sucks? Is the traffic policeman that's right outside in the arrivals area and he won't let you park for longer than like 30 seconds? Yep.
That guy sucks. You're like, no, my person's coming out.
They're here like one minute and they're like, move along. You're going to get a gonna take it sucks um all right i think we got them all oh armrest warrior that's kind of like what hanks the big guy thing but if you get stuck in against an armrest warrior and you're just i kind of welcome those battles really i mean they're thrilling you have sharp elbows yeah they're thrilling for a minute you would dominate really stuck into it um that's that kind of sucks big time uh like john jones those things.
Now, my theory is you let the person who's in the middle seat take the armrest. Or at least let them have more domain.
You can take the front of the armrest. You can slide it in the front.
Correct. I agree with that.
Okay, let's do our interviews. That was contentious.
That was pretty good. That was a good collaboration.
What should we do first?

David Spade? DeAndre Jordan. DeAndre Jordan.
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First of all, thank you for bringing all this stuff. You're welcome.
Eat all of it. So what are we pushing today? We're actually, we use Duncan all the time.
They're a sponsor of ours as well. The Beyond Sausage breakfast sandwich that's coming to Manhattan soon, right? Or is it already here? It's here.
Okay, it's here. So we're going to eat all this stuff.
Did us donuts yeah i got donuts okay we got donuts now the beyond sausage that's like the is that the the vegan stuff yeah are you a vegan i am since when since like last april okay so you're not like i mean i'm not like years in but i'm a year in so i got like my little year like little you got your one token gave myself a token. Do you mistake at all? No comment.
Okay. All right.
That's fair. At least I can see it in your eyes.
At least I can see it in your eyes. You'll come back.
I'm like blinking. You'll come back.
It's actually a question I've often wondered about athletes because you hear, okay, you can't take in enough protein to be able to recover or build muscle. Have you found any issues with that? How do you get your protein no i'm still i'm still strong as hell okay so that's be the judge of that yeah i'm excited we can arm wrestle later you want to fight i mean maybe well i actually have to apologize to you because i said that you are very old on a podcast about a month ago you're only 31 i don't know i think maybe because i have no idea why i said that maybe because you went dallas to to the Knicks last year and you got lost in the shuffle a little bit.
Yeah, yeah. So it was like I'm used to seeing you just in the mix.
And then it was like, I don't know where DeAndre Jordan is. I'm used to seeing me in the mix too.
Was that a tough year? Last year was kind of a blur. But it was a learning experience.
It was good for my mental patience. Yes.
So I'm excited about this year though. What about the Knicks going to the Knicks? There was a prevailing theory that the Knicks traded for you just so that they could then sign you.
Oh. And then you saw how the Knicks run things, and you're like, maybe not.
I didn't say that. No, I said that.
I just said that. I had a cool time when I was there, man.
The Knicks fans are great. New York fans in general are awesome.
They're passionate as hell. They know the sports.
They know the game. And they'll call you out if you're not playing the right way, which is great.
But, I mean, I'm excited about the things that the Nets are doing and the organization and the guys that we've got. So I'm excited about that.
Did you ever see James Dolan's band play? I did not. He didn't make you guys sit and watch his band practice? He did not make us sit and watch.
You didn't get to that part of the pitch? I did not. That was the closing.
Yeah. That's what he used as the closing deal.
He's like, do you have any requests? Well, if it's not George Thurgood's song, I don't know. It's bad to the bone.
All right. Well, I'm sorry for calling you old because you're younger than I am.
It's okay. But that's kind of what we do in this industry.
A lot of times we just open our mouths and say what comes to the top of our head. I do that a lot, too.
And then you get a backup player. I get texts for it, but it happens.
But it really was. I'm used to seeing you out there.
And then last year was, like you said, a blur. And then when you switch teams and both teams don't make the playoffs.
Because usually when a guy gets traded, it's like, oh, he's going to a playoff team. Then you get to see him.
So, yeah, that must have sucked being on a team that didn't make the playoffs. Usually you go to the playoffs.
Are you going to get a three-point shot? Because we had your guy Blake Griffin in here. He's got a three-point shot.
Yeah. You need a three-point shot.
Everybody's developing that part of their game. I'm obviously doing it, but I also want to stay on the floor.
If I'm just shooting three-point shots just to shoot him and I'm missing him, then I'm old. Because I'm going to disappear.
There's a lot of guys who just... Russell Westbrook just shoots three-point shots just to shoot him.
This league, you can't comment on all of this stuff because anything you say, then everyone will tweet it and be like... Does that bother you ever against me.
Yes. Yeah.
Does that bother you ever? The state of the NBA, Twitter, and Instagram that like. I just try to stay away from that, man.
I look at you guys' Instagram and then I follow it. Then I'm like, okay, I can laugh at this.
Right. You know what I'm saying? But I can't.
You were part of like the origin story of this league. In that free agency period, was it 2015? yeah when emojis flying back and forth that's when most people like really figured out how to properly use emojis yeah we wanted to save our characters you know what i mean you only get 110 of them or whatever it is so we wanted to save them that's right so there was the report at the time uh from uh front of the program chris broussard that uh mark cuban was driving aim aimlessly around Houston looking for you.
Trying to find your house. Can you confirm that Mark Cuban did not know where you lived? I can neither confirm nor deny those allegations.
I feel like Mark Cuban knew where you lived. I think that he knew where I lived.
He's got shooters. He knows where everyone is.
That whole process, though, it's so weird how the NBA works where you can – free agency starts, everyone says where they're going, and then you can't sign for a few days. So that few days was where your decision kind of changed.
Did you have any regrets with how that played out? I don't regret how it played out or the decision that I made second. I kind of just wish that it would have been faster.
Right. You know what I mean? Because those days were very slow, and it just took a lot of time.
But I was happy with the decision I made going back to the Clippers. I even ended up in Dallas for like half the year.
Yeah, for a stop. Yeah, so that was cool.
I got to go to all the Cowboys games because I'm a Cowboys fan. But other than that, it was a time.
Do you think they should pay Dak? I'm a Cowboys fan. Yeah, no, should they pay Dak? Why not? Like max money? As long as we can keep the team.
Well, that's the thing. So we got to pay Zeke too.
Yeah. Exactly.
I feel like Zeke is a more unique talent, even though the position of running back has been devalued.

I still think that Zeke is one of those rare guys that you should pay a lot of money to.

I think in those situations, you've got guys that can affect the game

so much in those different positions, receiver, running back, quarterback,

that I think they'll come together and figure out a way to make it all.

Yeah.

Okay.

When you went back to the Clippers, when they were giving their pitch to you, did they do the fake retirement of your jersey into the rafters? Oh, yeah, for sure. That's their move that they did for everybody? You're like, oh, yeah, that's it.
Here it comes. Even if it's like my fourth year in the league, and they're like, we're going to retire your jersey.
It's like, yeah, yeah, let's do it. Yeah, okay.
And they're like, oh, we got them. Yeah, Clipper for life.
Plains jersey is still up there in the rafters. It actually, it makes it so, it makes it mean so much less knowing that they do that for

everybody now.

Yeah.

I mean, if they recruited you, you'd probably get Jersey up there.

Exactly.

Yeah, man.

That's kind of lame.

How much does Hackershack suck?

For me, it used to suck a lot.

Yeah.

It used to suck big time.

I used to try to like hide and shit.

I mean, it's hard for you.

No, you can swear.

I can go to hell.

Fuck.

Fuck.

Fuck.

Fuck.

Fuck.

Fuck.

Fuck.

Fuck.

Fuck.

Fuck.

Fuck.

Fuck.

Fuck.

Fuck.

Fuck.

Fuck.

Fuck.

Fuck.

Fuck.

Fuck.

Fuck.

Fuck.

Fuck.

Fuck.

Fuck.

Fuck.

Fuck.

Fuck.

Fuck.

Fuck.

Fuck.

Fuck.

Fuck.

Fuck.

Fuck.

Fuck.

Fuck.

Fuck.

Fuck.

Fuck. for you.
No, you can cuss. I can cuss.
Fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck, shit. God damn it.
Shit. Those motherfuckers fouled me too much.
Yeah. That's what I was going to say.
Yeah. I don't like this, but after years of that, I got a little better at it this past season, and I'm shooting the ball a little bit better.
Are you one of those guys? Because I always am fascinated with guys who may struggle a little bit at the free throw line. Do you hit them all in practice? I hit a lot of them in practice.
Yeah. I mean, I don't know.
I think it's the 20,000 people, the thinking about, you know, you want to do it this way. Then you start to think about a million things instead of thinking about the shot.
So I think this season, for the first time, I actually didn't think about anything else but shooting the basketball,

and then it helped me out a lot.

Every single guy who's not good at free throws is like,

well, he makes them all in practice.

And I believe it.

It's a totally different thing when you're out there in the game.

It's a mental game.

Yeah, I want to play a little game with you real quick.

It's called Behind the GIF because you are a very gifable athlete.

You've got one of the best NBA gifs out there.

I'm going to show it to you.

And it's you just making this face like, huh?

Oh, yeah, yeah.

Oh, yeah.

Yeah, I remember that.

Like a bad fart.

Yeah, like a bad fart.

What were you thinking during that gif?

Do you remember?

I was like, I just had a bad fart, and I hope I don't have my white tights.

That was that face.

Yeah.

Now, there's another one where you're in the stands.

I'll pull this up. or you're on the bench,

and you just say, what the fuck?

And you're being held back.

Do you remember this one?

You're very expressive face.

Very expressive.

All-time F-bomb that you dropped right there.

I remember that.

That was against San Antonio.

Jamal Crawford, you guys know Jamal Crawford.

Yeah, yeah.

Crazy handle, put the ball between somebody's legs and then made the dude fall, So I was just kind of, I've never seen that shit in a basketball game, a real NBA game before. So that was pretty intense.
And then it was also embarrassing for the guy. Yeah, that was like the reaction that you see in the N1 mixtapes.
Like someone gets crossed up so bad and the announcer goes, my God, son. And then everybody runs on the court and says it's over and then the game's actually over.
The game should have been over at that point. I thought we all should have got kicked out, but they let it go for another three minutes, so it was cool.
Lob City was obviously an unbelievable time in Clippers history. Why do you think it ultimately you guys didn't get to the promised land and why was that Chris Paul's fault? Good question.
Thank you. I love Chris Paul, just for the record.
Okay, yep. You can look right in the camera.
Yeah, I love you, Chris. No, I think that we had a lot of injuries.
You guys had a lot of injuries? Yeah. You know, Blake got hurt in the playoffs.
I'm not blaming on anybody. I love those guys.
Blake toughs out injuries in the playoffs. He'll wrap his entire leg up.
He'll play with a fake leg. We caught the injury bug a little bit, man.
Even guys like JJ, sometimes we had a little injury bug. But we just couldn't get over that hump.
And it sucks because we had a lot of talent and we really wanted to. But, you know, whatever.
Yeah, you guys are one of those teams that while watching it, I'll always remember Lob City and be like, that was so exciting. And then, unfortunately, it doesn't ever show up and like, hey, they went to the final or something like that.
But then we see it all the time with the NBA. I mean, the fact that Russ, James Harden, and KD are now gone from the thunder, all three of those guys, when everyone thought they were going to win titles year and year.
Yeah, it's crazy. You also played on some pretty solid USA basketball teams.
Yeah. So who was your favorite teammate that you got to play with on those teams that you haven't been on a team with in the NBA? Ooh, man, that's tough.
I'd probably say like Paul George, Jimmy Butler, because obviously I'm teammates with Kevin and Kyrie now. Whatever, those guys.
I'll see them a lot. Yeah, yeah.
But yeah, probably Paul George, Jimmy Bollett. Those guys are just great on both sides of the basketball.
They play extremely hard. Shit talkers.
Yeah, yeah. I love playing with guys like that.
Jay Butt. Jay Butt.
Yeah, actually, we're going to start rebranding it. So when people are talking about the Nets' new big three, we're always going to say that it's DeAndre Jordan, and then he recruited.
Wait, you guys didn't say that already? No, we did. Oh, okay.
We did, but I'm saying to you so that you know. It's DeAndre Jordan and he recruited Kyrie and KD.
Yeah, you got it. And you know what? Listen, as a really good recruiter yourself, we're trying to recruit Kevin Durant to this podcast.
Oh, okay. Been in talks.
You know what? I'll reach out and I'll see what I can do. Yeah, just be like, hey, I had so much fun.
This is such a cool place to be. And they let you curse on- And they let you curse.
They didn't call you a baby back bitch. We don't do that anymore.
Right. Or they don't call me old anymore.
Yeah, we don't use the O word for you. I said he could slap me if I- The O word.
Yeah, the O word. But we have in the past said some words about him, but we've changed our tune.
And so, yeah, we want him on the podcast. Good, good.
We'll figure that out. I got a prediction.
You're going to turn Kyrie Irving into a vegan, like within a month. Ooh.
You know what? One month of hanging out with Kyrie and he's going to be militant anti-meat. Yes.
Good. He's going to join Queens.
He's going to be

throwing fake blood

onto Russell Westbrook

when he's walking

into the arena.

You're going to

change him into a

vegan just in time

for you to go back

to steaks.

Yeah.

Yeah.

Are you all settled?

Okay, cool.

I'm done.

Yeah.

Good.

Good.

Go ahead.

Here's a good question.

What's the most

amount of dunks

that you've ever

had in a game?

Probably like nine

or ten.

Damn.

That's sick.

And I only ended up with like 22 points or something. That's so awesome.
What's your favorite amount of dunks that you've ever had in a game? Probably like 9 or 10. Damn.
That's sick. And I only ended up with like 22 points or something.

That's so awesome.

What's your favorite dunk of all time?

Man, that's tough.

So many.

Of mine?

Mine is my next one.

Oh, shit.

I probably had to say like Vince Carter on that 7'2 guy in the Olympics.

Oh, the French guy? Yeah, yeah. That was sick.
That was tough to beat have you ever been jumped over not yet if I think I will be on here full-time if that happens so yes guys yeah you'll officially be old and yeah I'll be old for sure it's a good canary in a coal mine situation Larry if you get teabagged by somebody you're done it's over it's over I'm gonna retire I'm gonna go to yeah New Zealand actually we own a team in New Zealand so you team in New Zealand, so you can come play. Perfect.
Nobody can jump over you down there. Whatever you want.
Only the kangaroos. Yeah.
All right. So we'll get that in the ecosystem.
DeAndre Jordan loosely attached to the New Zealand Breakers. No big deal.
Loosely attached. Loosely attached to New Zealand Breakers.
All right. I have one last question.
It's a SeatGeek question. You put in promo code TAKE.
You get $10 off. You can go watch deandre play basketball next year ten dollars off promo code take um so who is the hardest guy to guard in the post post guy to post guy i'm a post guy oh man that's tough man you got so many good guys you got like joel and bead you got demarcus Cousins, you got...
Toughest one, though.

Freak.

Freak.

Freak.

Guy's moves are just like, I can't... See, if I say one guy, then the other guy's going to blow.

I'm going to try to kick his ass next year.

That's okay.

That's what this show's all about.

Yeah.

All right.

This league.

Yeah, I'll probably have to say a guy like Joel Embiid, man.

A lot of shots fired at the Greek freak.

Oh, you're going to have to play him a lot, too.

I know, yeah.

This league.

I'll probably have to say Joel Embiid. He's a big guy.
He can face up, back to the basket, super skilled, extremely strong. So a guy like that probably.
Disrespect coming at Frank Kaminsky right now. DeAndre just unbelievable.
DeAndre just wrote on my notepad, but Joel Embiid can't get in shape. And so I'm just reading that from what you just wrote to me.
I wrote that in a different language. Yeah, you wrote, Joel Embiid can't get in shape, so I'll probably dominate him next year.
This league. Petty Wars.
Yeah, he actually wrote a hashtag on the notepad. Yeah.
There's no electronics on there. Yeah.
That's crazy. Exactly.
All right. Yeah, I think that's about it.
Yeah, so thank you for coming by, Duncan. Check it out.
The Beyond Sausage breakfast sandwich is now available in Manhattan. Yep.
You brought the donuts for us. Best of luck next year Best of luck next year.
Can you please tell Kevin Durant to come on the show? Kevin, you're going to come on the show. He's probably listening to this right now.
He probably is listening. So let's finish with saying some nice things about him.
Kevin, you know what? Ever since you trimmed your goatee, you look a lot less like Mangy. Yeah.
Kevin, even though you don't like the nickname, I still think Slim Reaper was the greatest nickname of all time. Kevin, we love you.
Return my phone calls and texts. Oh, shit.
You can't even get a text back? Damn. All right.
DeAndre Jordan, thanks so much, man. Thanks, man.
Appreciate it, guys. That interview with DeAndre was brought to you by LetGo.
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And now for something completely different.

Okay, we now welcome on the man, the myth, the legend. Welcome on.
We do. We welcome you on.
Yeah. It's David Spade.
Welcome. He has a new show coming out July 29th on Comedy Central.
Yo. Lights out with David Spade.
I'm excited for it. Hookie.
Yeah. You want to explain it to the people? I know what it is, but you want to explain it to the people.
I don't even know what it is. First of all, it started with, it was like an Instagram show.
It was just a once-a-week show. I did a pilot about, like, here's me on Instagram.
Look at how funny I am. But I thought it's all about DMing and people, and now it's maybe not great for kids and just the whole world.
And then we can do – we can shit on all these news stories because everything filters through Instagram or Facebook or Twitter. So you're like, well, you're not going to talk about this.
Well, of course you can because any sports comes on there. Everything you do in your life can be on there.
You can trick it. It's going to show up.
CNN will be in there, everything. So it was sort of a tricky way just to do a regular show about everything, but add the Instagram because we're all looking at it, sending each other dumb things, barstool stuff I send to my friends.
That's definitely a dumb thing. You're a big barstool commenter, I've noticed.
Oh yeah, it's comment on too. You love the emojis in the comment section.
I do say stuff sometimes. I forget that it opens me up to get 100 shit on yep but uh that's you know that's the game it's showbiz baby yeah i got my start just commenting on articles oh you just comment it's funny though i think it's funny so uh you you say it the showbiz the game you've been in showbiz for ever too long no i didn't say too long okay good did you, good.
Was that something you were thinking? There's been some testing recently. Okay.
But your career has been incredible because SNL in 1990 to this day where you're doing an Instagram show. Have you had a moment where you're like, man, I can't believe I'm still doing this in all the iterations that I've had? Hanging by a thread, yeah.
It's hard because when you see people do well, I'm happy for anyone doing well and breaking through, and then I think the hardest part is, that's the first hardest part, just to get known, just to get anybody to know who the fuck you are. And then to stick around, it's hard to tread water that whole time because there's always better shit, you know? I'm glad it's showbiz.
If you're a running back, you're fucked. you know what i mean they're like holding out and you're like get paid while you can get paid not for long getting a gimpy knee and i and there's also a weird thing that is not like levy on bell the only way we're different oh yeah you're mad at him no oh i was mad yes you're very mad at him no you had him on your fancy team right oh i mean we're we're jumping around, but I've of mad at him.
Yes. You're very mad at him.
No. You had him on your fantasy team, right? Oh, I mean, we're jumping around, but I, of course, drafted him first like a knucklehead.
And then I go, all right, it's been cute, but get back on that motherfucking team. Right.
Right. Run that ball down the middle because I'm losing.
You can't win if you've lost your best guy. Yes.
And then someone wanted to trade me Antonio Brown. Nobody cares about your fantasy.
And they wouldn't let it. My asshole buddy, who's the commish, of course, he goes, no, no.
No one would let this happen. I go, who cares? Either I'll win or he'll win.
It doesn't matter. All right.
They always think you got too much. Yeah.
So I'm not allowed to win. Yes.
You know what I mean? Yeah. No one's rooting for Daniel.
I was playing in Sandler's League. It was Sandler Rock and all these guys.
Who's allowed to win?

Mm-hmm.

It wasn't.

Yeah.

Who's allowed to win?

Like the intern that plays with us.

What are the stakes for that fantasy league?

What's the buy-in on that?

It's not anything.

That's the worst part.

Oh, really?

Yeah.

What the hell?

You'd hope that you guys would play for like $100,000.

It's too scary because if Adam wins, I'm not fucking paying you.

Right, right, right.

You're too rich. Because he has more money than God.
Oh, it getting worse too oh really he just keeps making i'm at that house when there's solid gold bricks being dropped off for his kids but what we said i was saying oh i'm not like i'm not because i take gigs for low money just to keep things going the right way i want them or you, you know, there's a lot of things. You can do a movie that's cool but you don't get paid a lot.
Or you can do this because you want to gamble and you bet on yourself. Go, I'll take less money.
I think this will work. That kind of stuff.
So I've been trying to do that for a while. I still make money here and there.
And I do stand-up. But it's really sort of this Rubik's Cube of trying to stay in the mix right and you have to be funny every fucking time you do anything that's what these people don't understand that's why they go oh you did good when you're on ellen or fallon i go that's not i mean i'm lucky it's not a mistake though there's people that just go what do i got today this and this blah blah blah you know run on Fallon.
Then I got to beep over to Stern. But I try to be funny because sometimes that's the only time in the last 10 years someone saw me.
Right. Four minutes on Fallon.
Right. And then they re-decide if they like me.
So how did you prepare for this interview? Absolutely zero. But I didn't really know what I was doing.
I was too focused on, you know. Stern.
Yes, I had the view this morning.

No, we get it.

No, the view I had put no thought into because I can't.

I don't even know what they're just going to ask me a bunch of stuff,

and there's no pre-interview.

I don't want one.

Stern, I can't really because it was an hour 20 yesterday.

But he sort of knows me well enough that he can get me going.

I just don't want to do the same stories.

Sometimes he forgets, and he goes, No, you and Eddie Murphy. I go, no, not that one again.
People think it's a rerun. So I came up with a couple of doozies yesterday.
Just made them up. Can you tell them again here? They're really getting worn down because then Fallon asked me about them.
Tell us a story we've never heard. Before it goes on the Daily Show, we'll put out a clip of this tonight.
Yeah, it can even be what you had for breakfast today because we don't know. Here's a dumb one.
I used to skateboard in Arizona, and I was a fucking full loser. I had some components of a cool dude.
I had white blonde hair, long. I had a fucking sweet Alva board, some Power Flex 5s, Bennett hijackers.
Had a bones brigade, like a rail on it, a little tailbone. Wasn't really any good, but I could skate a little bit.
So then I was a busboy to feed my skating habit of needing grip tape once a year. It was a pretty low budget.
But I was a busboy. At first I was a dishwasher.
Three bucks an hour. Seven hour shift for 21 bucks.

And still, when they walk me through the kitchen and gigs now, like, we'll take you through the back.

When I smell that gross kitchen, it exactly throws me back to when I was in that kitchen every day forever.

You know what I mean?

And it makes me, and I'm like, thank God I'm not doing that anymore.

$21 check before taxes. So then I got bumped up to busser and i did that forever and one time i go can i be a waiter and he goes you don't got the stuff what fucking stuff this is the hard part right you know what i mean like the bus boy lugs the work the waiter the the easiest waiter job is the bottle service girl yes stops in the beginning hey have you seen my, have you seen my tits? Look at my ass.
Everything good here? All right, what do you want? 18 bottles. And then sell you up.
And then they split for about nine hours. And then the bus boy packs the ice and everything.
Then she comes in at the end. Here's your bill.
It's the five grand. Then there's the 20% tip added in.
But then there's an extra tip. Then there's a secret tip.
Then there's a tip some people do if they're fucking cool. And I'm like, God damn, I didn't see you once tonight.
And then you're like, you're an asshole if you don't keep adding. Yeah, there's the portion of the tip that if you don't tip, they'll tweet it out that David Spade doesn't tip.
Yeah, they're like, look who fucked us over. Super Chisler.
Chisler. When you were a busboy, did you sometimes, like, if you took all the food off the table, take it back to the kitchen, you're throwing it out.
If somebody hadn't touched their fries at all, you would mack on that, right? Mm-hmm. Or you'd take a little bite.
First of all, they could have been all over them. I would eat.
Yeah. There's nothing I would not eat.
Right. Yeah.
I didn't even eat dinner. I'd just go, I'll just eat at work.
I'll just eat the rest of that guy's steak, the rest of that guy's potatoes. Anything.
Drink, drinks. I don't give a shit.
Finishing the drink. This was before there was germs.
Yes. Exactly yes it was a long time ago yeah and so i creates that's a good angle because i did do that i uh i ate everything and then uh oh also oh then it was father's day weekend and a sunday which was like the the culmination of two horrible days of the busiest days they gave me tables 40 through 48 which is not for fucking amateurs.
Let me tell you right now. That's the roughest section.
But I was still just busing. What was the name of this place? That was the Quilted Bear.
The rough section of the Quilted Bear. That sounds pretty good.
On a Sunday don't even fuck around. If you're from Arizona and Scottsdale you would know.
Do not go in there on a Sunday. So I go in there.
My boss is a dick, of course, like everyone's boss. And so I'm over there, total skater, always hungover, always like, can't lift shit.
So then I get more than three glasses. He goes, you can't pop more in there.
And it was more of a traps problem back then in the back. It was sort of weak across the board.
So then I go and there's a shark special. So first I go, stop talking to the tables.
I don't like it. And I go, they do like it.
I go, I'm sort of like, you know, I'm like a fun guy. Yeah, yeah.
Bump me up to waiter and he goes, nah. So then of course right after he tells me, I go over there and they go, hey dude.
They don't even know if I'm the waiter. They go, how's the shark? I go, I got a motto.
I don't eat them, don't eat me i don't eat them they don't eat me and i hear this can i talk to you and i go fuck so i turn around he yanks me over he goes what the fuck you doing i go i'm fucking killing is what i'm doing great line yeah i go i don't eat them they did you hear that and he goes yeah they don't like you to talk to them i go oh is that why i'm getting applause breaks at my fucking tables dude are you jealous you don't want to follow me and then uh i either quit or he fired me either way i was not working yes yeah i mean being a busboy that's that's a short career path i was a busboy at a crab shack for a summer and that is like that is the worst possible job that you can have except when you bring the crabs back to the kitchen to throw them away you know exactly which ones weren't touched. But I would still get yelled at.

If you can get a freshie, that's hot.

They'd be like, no, that crab belongs to the guy at the table who paid for it.

I was like, he threw it out.

It's my crab now.

You can't tell me to not touch this crab.

I agree with you.

I like that, man.

That's cool.

So how did you get from bussing tables at the Quilted Bear

to thinking, oh, I should try to make a career out of comedy? Doing jokes, yeah. Well, I will say that I'm nice to bussers now because I was man of the people.
That valet parked forever. All I remember about valet parking is, other than it sucked, sometimes I'd stay up late doing drugs or something and then I'd have to do a long shift and one time it was on a hill.
And when you're a valet parker, picture picture this at home you drive and you're hustling every goddamn car and you run back now I gotta run up a hill and then down no one cares no one cares it's like where's my car but I'm like hoofing up this hill like I'm at the combine then I get my door and to open it you have to throw it open with your left and it's so heavy uphill that my arm gave out after half the day because i'm such a spindly little fucking pussy pants so i'm like and i go oh and then the rest thing i'm trying to do with my right arm and then i go mom i can't do this anymore this is a dangerous job it's before workman's comp i would have been suing everyone oh hell yeah fuck now it's just like you know like spider-man iing anyone. So, I'm nice to busco, because now busboys are cool to me too.
They go, hey, Joe Dirt, you know, like they know me. And they always try to help me at their level.
You know, like people you see out in the world, he goes, you need more bread or water, you let me know. Some ice cubes.
Yeah, they're covered, man. I got you.
Yeah, I'm your guy. Say no more.
As much bread as you want, up to one loaf. Moist towelettes.
Yeah. A wet rag.
Anything. You come to me.
What's the character you get recognized the most for? I would say it's Joe Dirt. Yeah, people yelling Joe Dirt lines at you.
Then Tommy Boy. Bench warmers.
Grown-ups. Does it make you sad at all that, like, Tommy Boy, we're both 34 years old.
So Tommy Boy was like. Is that right in the pocket for you guys? That was the movie.
Oh, really? Oh, good. Right, like, the movie.
But now we're at a point where I'm sure there's kids, 20-year-old kids, who are like, Tommy Boy, what? Yeah. Come on, man.
That's a classic. They don't know Farley.
I mean, people have asked me, and that's hard. Well, girls, I go, I don't know anything.
Right. They're like, I go, they crank Zeppelin.
I go, Zep. And they're like, huh? Huh? I go, Led Zeppelin, Zeppelin.
Well, this is probably because you're dating 20-year-olds. But yeah.
And then I go, you know Led Zeppelin? They're like, dude, I don't know who Maroon 5 is. All right, I'm young and you're old.
Is there a problem? I'm like, no, I'll get you out of mommy. mommy so uh all good the the one thing i know you probably are sick of everyone who you've ever done an interview with bringing up chris farley but the one thing i wanted to just ask quickly you guys are in the pocket okay yeah we loved it so your chemistry that was it you know what i mean like we a lot of people listen to this podcast because of our chemistry was it as good you guys have chemistry yeah we do yeah you wouldn't notice but I'll see it toward the end, I'm sure.
Now we just fucked before you got in here. This poor one was lost.
Oh, she's got questions for you later. That's her podcast.
Oh, I thought you just... That's Jill.
No, no. Jill, write that down.
I thought she was so polite that she was lost. She goes, I don't want to leave until the end.
No, no, no. So was your chemistry off screen, just as good on screen? I mean...
Yeah, that was how it was based, is Lauren, our boss, would watch us walk around. And I would say like, Farley would go, they have a McDonald's in Madison too.
I go, oh, I think it's on wheels. And it comes down here.
No, it doesn't. No, it doesn't, dumb fuck.
And he goes, let's go to the ATM. And then he goes, and he pulls out $20.
And he go let's go to dinner he goes i have to go to the atm again i go dude take 200 out at a clip fuck why are you taking 20 at a time he goes yeah i go are you wisconsin dundee you're in new york now you know i'm arizona yeah i don't know anything either but i know to take 200 outside to go there and get uh knifed every Right. I go, ATMs are not where I want to hang at midnight, dude.
Right, right. Grab and go.
And then Lauren would watch me make fun of him. And then he'd see him come and go, David, say, make fun of me for what I'm wearing.
And I go, Jesus. So after a while, and then in read-through, I'd make faces at him when he was bombing which is pretty much never and then uh

and then lauren goes why don't you write a movie about how you guys are and so he assigned two writers from snl which is a big deal because i wasn't even on that much chris was already like star blowing up yeah and i was on a little enough but he was like yeah yeah and then Fred Wolf took it over

another writer there, one of our buddies

and then we went up to Toronto and then me, Fred, Chris, and Pete Siegel, the director. No one even cared.
They just go, give them some money. Paramount has a deal with Lauren.
Just go. But they weren't there every day, so we just go, add in jokes, add in housekeeping, add in, does my face look fat? Like just trying to add something to make scenes because it's a movie about selling brake pads like you could never pitch that right who would care it's the dumbest idea if you go two guys sell brake pads they're from ohio and everyone's like right yeah that's sort of it uh-huh i don't want to give it all away but that is it that's all of it so so we we would spice it up and go what do we got tomorrow what if if you wore a clip-on? We just do one throwaway joke.
And you don't know that later on those will be remembered. Forever.
You don't know. Yeah.
No idea. And so Farley, when I hit him with a board in the face, by the third time he goes, fuck you.
I go, I have to hit you, dude. I don't even know what to do.
I don't even know if it's balsa wood anymore. I think we ran out.
Now it's straight up two by four. It's oak.
Yeah. Solid mahogany.
And I don't even know what to do i don't even know if it's balsa wood anymore i think we ran out straight up two by four oak yeah solid mahogany and i don't know uh but during the movie we'd be so tired and we'd go back and forth on this little puddle jumper private jet which is basically an mri with wings we were both like in there jammed it wasn't it wasn't like i'm some rapper right just like staring at each other pissed off about to get in a fight. Because SNL, good nights.
Hey, Tom Hanks, thank you. Get in a car straight to the airport, straight to Toronto.
Shoot at 7 in the morning, cramming lines. Come back for a read-through.
Go back. Come back for rehearsal on the show.
And doing that for weeks since getting freezing out. We just started to go bananas.
Sounds exhausting. And if someone said it's going to be a hit, then you could hang in there.
Right. But no one knows.
What the fuck are you doing in Toronto? I go, I don't even know. We're just screwing off.
But that kind of answers the question because you guys were such good friends. Right.
And those are the moments when you're tired. And we were good at looking out for each other.
Like I go, Chris, why don't you do this like you do at the office that's funny just we'll throw that we'll find a way to put it in there and even the director who's great but sometimes he goes i don't get this has nothing to do with the story i'm like i know we just we don't either but just i think this is what it makes us crack up yeah and so and then he goes what did you say to me the other day and we're like oh right right right okay put that in there and Okay, put that in there. And that's looking out for each other because you know, I know if he's good, it helps me.
If this movie takes off, I'm in it with him. So that's how it worked.
And then Black Sheep was a little trickier because they wanted to split us up with the new director. And we kept saying, well, it's better when we're together and fighting and yelling at each other.
But it still worked out. We had a lot of parts of Black Sheep we liked, but they threw away 40 pages.
I wish I could find them. That was the funnest.
I still like Black Sheep. Yeah, Black Sheep had good stuff.
It just would have been more. It probably would have been better.
Who knew? But who knows? So when you got your start on SNL, from what I remember about your career, I read some stuff about you a long time ago. I forget exactly where I saw it, but you were doing a lot of writing for the show and a lot of the stuff that you were writing was going to Dana Carvey, right? Yeah.
Or whoever. Yeah.
I have to imagine that that's got to be frustrating because you're trying to get as much screen time as possible. You're a cast member.
You're trying to get on the camera and for whatever reason, it's not working out. Was there any point where you thought maybe I'll just quit? Maybe this is not worth the effort, me being up here? Yeah, I even told my guys I wanted to quit.
It was too hard. I was in a fraternity and I was hazed.
This is the same thing. I'm not the main guy.
Sandler's doing better now. He came on right after me, but he was doing better.
Schneider was doing Copy Machine. Dana's crushing, but I look like Dana.
So if a sketch came up like Macho Camacho Man, and then Sandler goes, don't you forget about the Macho Man. He does a bit, and he looks like him.
If I thought of this, someone looked like Dana Carvey, then Dana gets it. Right.
So I'm like stuck. Schneider got to play people that I could, you know.
So first of all, you're about your look. It's a crapshoot.
And then, and Dana's great. So Ross Perot came up.
I could do that. And they go, we want Dana to do Ross Perot and Bush.
I'm like. Like, come on.
That's like, now you're breaking the rules. You're giving a break.
That's why I feel bad sometimes now when they bring in stars on SNL to play all these parts because I'm sure the cast is like, hey, it's hard enough to get those little crumbs. Yeah, right.
But they go, no, Matt Damon's playing them this week. I'm like, oh, this is cheating.
Yes. But it's the way it is.
Do you take a little pride knowing that SNL, it didn't dip after because they had Will Ferrell and all that after, but there was definitely a in time where everyone was like this is the time everyone says they have their times they liked like if you like that time that was great for you and people say those were good years we didn't really feel it then but I do love Will Ferrell maybe after those years there wasn't enough as a group. You know what I mean? I think they've had waves.
There's always good people on it. But maybe because when I just look back at the writers we had, they're all well-known.
So great writers, and then you have a great or a lot of good people. I mean, forget me, but everyone who's on hold up their end and more they get on they all went on to be big stars so that's just the beginning so you're catching like their rookie year which is great to see everyone you're just like you don't know it but you see a sketch and you're with you know even gap girls it's me farley sandler and then there's maybe schneider and alec baldwin's in it and you look back at a photo and you go oh my god how fun was that right everybody was good you throw anybody a line they're good they come up with stuff Chris Rock's next to you if you need a joke what would I say here he's like well and he says something like later you go I'm getting freebies from Chris Rock right it's almost like looking back at the dream team at the basketball you know where you're like wait that was where you're like, wait, that was the, like, Magic and MJ and Bird.
All hanging together, yeah. And, like, you keep going.
You're like, shit, all these guys were together. We definitely could have outsketched Yugoslavia.
Yeah. Use no timeouts.
Spain. When you were in that moment, did you realize how fun it was? Or was one of those things where later on you're like, damn, that was really, that was a good time for us.
You always try to have fun with it, and there's waves of it.

But the underlying stress of not knowing if you're coming back and not knowing if you're – you never feel like you're doing enough.

So there's always someone going, hey, there's another batch of assholes

at the improv.

Bring them in.

More than willing to fly themselves in tomorrow.

And you'd hear about them having auditions, and you're like,

wait, they're having auditions?

We have enough people.

We have too many. Maybe they're getting rid of some people.
people and that was every year I had to get rid of my apartment and then come back and get another one and once I got fired back it was just tough but that's the way it is over there it's always been the same and anybody I just saw dinner with Molly Shannon and Bill Hader and Will Forte and Tim Meadows and we just all all have the same story. I mean, they were like right after me, but exactly the same.
Right. I want to jump back to something you said earlier, which was you're talking about different projects you can do, might not pay as much.
Do you ever feel that with the more money you're paid for a certain project, there's like a burden of a higher expectation for what you have to deliver? Sure. Sure.
I mean, it's like even in sports when they do that, you know, they pay them a lot. They usually sign they're about to fucking bomb.
Leave you on bill. Earn your contract.
Yeah. Remember Flacco? I think he got a ton.
Yeah, he's great. Great contract.
Won the Super Bowl. After.
He won the Super Bowl. Then he got the contract.
Then they backed the truck up for him. Then they're like, shit, this contract contract sucks who's the Joe Flacco of comedy right now it's funny I just like this setup I don't even know the answer who's getting wildly overpaid for a piss poor performance they usually don't because they'll start adjusting it quickly yeah because they don't like uh one time I I don't know no go ahead go ahead you're free to speak nobody listens to the show I asked Lorne about a cast member that did a movie that bombed and I said are they going to get another movie and he goes not every studio wants to lose 20 million and work with an asshole she said some do not all of them who was it it definitely wasn't McGruber and it wasn't Tim Meadows with...
The ladies' man? Yeah, because he's a nice guy. Yeah, he is, and I like that movie.
Fuck, who was that? I can't even remember who it was. Oh, yeah, neither can we.
I want to introduce you to our podcast mom. This is Jill.
Yeah. Oh, Jill.
Hi, Jill. She's our intern.
I'm sorry, I thought you were just being polite, and you were in the wrong room, and you were mad. Yeah.
Well, I'm always mad. Disappointed more than mad.
And you're someone's mom?

Our mom.

Our podcast mom.

Yeah, we hired her.

We just wanted to,

I was about to say elderly,

but I didn't, Jill.

We wanted an older intern.

So she's our intern for the summer.

She's 69 years old.

So she's got some questions for you, I think.

Yeah, they're actually the Seeky questions.

Promo code TAKE.

Get $10 off.

Go.

Okay. Sure.
I have a lot of questions, but I won't go to all of them. Okay.
Who is the most unappreciated cast member at SNL? What a good thought. Good question.
David Spade. What a good question.
Wow, there's so many that are good.

I don't know.

Maybe I'd say Molly Shannon, who I think is so funny and so lovable and likable in person.

And she always works.

She did Superstar.

I don't know.

She's always on a show. So I just think people should always be giving her props because she always was sweet and would crack me up.

God, there's too many.

Sherry Oteri, she did such a good job.

And sometimes it's just, this sounds like I'm commenting on her career, but it's just so hard.

Usually after the show, you will get a chance to do your own show.

Like they will give you, but if it doesn't pop right away, then you're just right back in the mix of auditioning. It's just hard.
But she was so funny on SNL and just so character-y. But like Dana, sometimes when you're so good at characters, they go, just play this.
And it's hard to just play Dana. You're just a regular guy.
And that was easier for me. I'm sort of my own persona and that's why it was harder on SNL and then the flip side, it's a little easier out in the real world.
Are you saying Master of Disguise didn't take off? I think Master of Disguise was what he does. One of the greatest movies of all time.
Yeah, and people like it. I see Dane a lot in town.
Which town? In Los Angeles and almost every time we're at dinner, someone will something a master disguise yeah like he hated you know he doesn't love it but uh jill we're he's actually tight for time okay all right yeah all right yeah i have to go another real quick real quick we gotta pitch him the boner dogs all right so what yeah you're already in you're he's in. The pitch was done.
Okay, go ahead. So what was it really like working with the great comedic actor, Alf? Alf? I know you were in one episode of Alf.
I was in Alf. That was my first big gig.
Alf to your viewers. Okay.
Oh, that's right. They're so young.
Yes. They don't know.
Was it a relatable question. It was even younger.
He was an alien life form.

I think that's what ALF stood for.

He lived in his basement.

He looked like a dog or something.

Hey.

So I was on ALF and Bernie Brillstein, legendary manager, got me this job.

I was just signed with Brillstein.

He goes, you're going to be on ALF.

It's great.

It's a big show.

And I go, yeah.

And he goes, you're going to play a stand-up comedian.

So I practice Mac all week at the improv.

I go on.

I do my 10 minutes.

I'm going to go at the improv I go on I do my 10 minutes I tell my mom watch the show we all watch it so the show is Alf is watching TV is there a train yeah it's the loudest dumbest fucking podcast studio in the world fuck sorry number one it's so stupid that's actually the loudest fire engine that we've ever had. It's the dumbest thing ever.
That's not one of ours. Everybody down.
We moved in here, and you can hear everything. This is something the real estate agent forgot to mention.
Yeah. They took us specifically.
You can only visit between 3 and 3.15 in the afternoon. Jesus Christ.
So I do the show. I do my hilarious stand-up act.
But it's being filmed for TV. So Alf's at home with his family, and they go, what's on TV? I hear there's a new funny comic.
And then they turn it on, and it's literally one of my jokes. And then Alf goes, this guy sucks.
And he turns it off. That's it.
You're on Alf. That's it.
And Jill remembers. And I remember going,

that's showbiz, baby. Yeah, that's it right there.
Alright, you do have to

wrap, so we'll just give you a dealer's choice

here. It's

Boner Dogs or This is Farty.

You can decide which one you want to be loosely

attached to. We already have Zac Efron,

Adam Sandler,

Ron Schneider,

Lawrence Taylor is attached to it. Dan Patrick.
We have someone already playing the part of the boner. Ice Cube.
In Boner Dogs. I like Boner Dogs.
It's hookier. Okay, so you're in.
This is easy. And you're good friends with Adam Sandler.
We actually made this script for Adam Sandler. Well, I realize I'm not the lead anymore, but if Adam...
No, you can be the boner. You can be the boner.
He can be the dog of the boner. It's a tough call.
It's an animation. You're Adam's dick.
Oh, it's animated. Yeah, so Adam will be the dog, and you'll be the boner.
I'm like the little red lipstick. Yeah, exactly.
They get lost in the woods, and his boner brings them all the way back. It's kind of like a Hansel and Gretel meets Rudolph the Red-Dosed reindeer.
They're lost in the woods. They all make fun of him because he's got a boner all the time.
And he just drags him. He leaves a track behind.
You like it? I would make fun of him. Okay.
You like it? It feels like it needs a bit of a handmaid's tale. Okay.
Okay. I mean, he can wear one of those little, like, white bonnets.
The boner can have. So he can't chew on his boner.
Yeah, yeah, yeah. There you go.
There you go. Yeah, yeah, yeah.
Yeah, I like it. Self-sucking boner.
All right, well, maybe a... You're loosely attached.
The fact that we met you, you're loosely attached. Yeah, I like it.
It's yes. David Spade, thank you so much.
We appreciate it. Lights out with David Spade.
Check it out. July 29th.
Every night at 1130. Every night at 1130.
You didn't let me finish. Every night at 1130 after the Daily Show.
Oh, that's a good time. I honestly didn't know you.
Thank you for doing that. And welcome to Boner Dogs.

It's going to be great.

In theaters soon.

What is a GHC?

What did you say at the end?

What's that?

What's your name?

PFT.

Oh.

Yeah.

I thought it was three other letters.

GHB?

Yeah, I said GHB, but I got them all wrong.

I got every letter wrong.

Yeah.

Hey, one last question.

Do you have big dick energy?

BDE?

Yeah.

BDE?

I have the illusion of BDE.

That's even better than BDE. Do you have big dick energy? BDE? Yeah, BDE.
I have the illusion of BDE. That's even better than BDE.
All you need. Yes.
By the time they get there, I go, too late. Yeah.
That interview with David Spade was brought to you by the Barstool Store. The summer collection is here.
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Okay, let's get to some segments. First up, we have a Just Chill Out Man for Sean Lee.
Yes. So he didn't get hurt, though.
He did not get hurt. Confirmed.
So this is from jane slater she said uh what kind of guy is cowboys linebacker sean lee well he tells us he was staying in santa barbara ahead of training camp which is 45 minutes away from oxnard but he flew home to dallas just to get on the team charter and fly back jesus just chill out the word try hard gets thrown around a lot these days, I think. Oh, man.
But I think in this case, there's never been a more try hard move than Sean Lee doing this. But there's a spin zone.
Okay. For every four hours that he's in the air, it's four hours that he's not pulling his hamstring.
I was going to say, maybe he just wanted to be with his teammates for as long as possible while not being injured. Yeah.
They should just put him on the International Space Station and bring him down on Sundays.

Enjoy this.

Like that old dude from Contact that just stayed up in space so that he could live as

long as possible.

He's a billionaire.

Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah.

He stayed up there for forever.

I was thinking of, what was the George Clooney movie?

That was Gravity.

Gravity, yeah.

Where he flew around the Earth in a space suit.

And I thought he was still alive.

Yeah.

No, but seriously, like, Sean Lee, just keep him trapped in a closet somewhere. Hold on.
I thought they got him back. Wait, did you, do you still think he was still alive? I guess I just misremembered the movie.
When he showed up and he would like, he literally knocked on the outside of the space. He was outside the space and then went all the way around the earth and then showed up and yeah, it was like, Sandra, I'm here.
He like knocked on the spaceship door. And Sandra was dreaming.
movie all right good we got cleared that up okay cleared up sean lee keep him away from all sorts of walking running yes existing yeah in a gravitational state being unless it's sunday um all right the next one we have is way to stay relevant baseball trevor bauer could have also been a just chill out, man. Just chill out, man.
Trevor Bauer got pulled from the game and threw the ball over the center field fence. I don't think it was after he got pulled.
He was getting pulled. He was in the process of getting pulled.
Terry Francona came out of the dugout. He turned around.
He whipped it over the center field fence. But then immediately was like, my bad, coach.
My bad. Andry francona was like are you fucking serious dude it was the best your problem it was the best when he put his hand up he's like hey that one's on me like hey yeah we know i threw that ball we know trevor we got you what what a what a psycho he is and i don't like i go back and forth because every now and then trevor power does something that will piss off um some parts of like the the stodgy stoke stogy stogy stogy stogy uh baseball media where i'm like you know what i kind of like trevor power because he's making some people that i don't like mad but then he does shit like this and you're like what is wrong with this guy no he's he's probably the dumbest player i was was saying earlier.
He's a dumb, smart person. But I think he's more dumb because he thinks that he's smart.
Right. But he's actually really dumb.
Right. But I was thinking about this earlier.
I think that he might be exactly what baseball needs. We always talk about baseball.
We don't have a face of the game. Lean into marketing this dumbass.
He's basically like if Mr. Bean played baseball.
Lean into marketing a mean-spirited Mr. Bean.
But still spoke. But actually spoke.
Sometimes, but didn't make sense. Right.
Yes, sounds come out of his mouth. How many people listen to the show know who Mr.
Bean is? 60%. Under.
Under. I'd say under.
40%. Way 40 way under 60 all the dads listening know yeah shout out my dad he knows mr bean yeah that's about it florio knows mr bean i'm gonna get a text from florio be like i love that guy remember when he got his head stuck in a turkey yeah classic gag but yeah trevor bauer i kind of agree with you i like he does things that are just so dumb sometimes.
You're like, this guy's an asshole. But you're right.
Baseball kind of needs that. Yes, baseball hasn't really had an asshole for a long time.
They've had dicks, they've had pussies, but they haven't had assholes. And that's what I think when I like Trevor Bauer, it's that he pisses off the guys who won't vote for Greg Maddux' unanimous Hall of Fame.
You know what I mean? Those guys who suck and kind of ruin baseball from a media standpoint. When Trevor Bauer makes them mad, I'm like, team Trevor Bauer.
When he does shit like this, what's this guy's problem? I don't think I'm ever really on Trevor Bauer, but I like having somebody that I don't like. You like knowing that he exists.
Yeah, exactly. He's a a watchful protector.
Well, I wouldn't know. I don't know what he protects.
Like, he cut his hand off with a drone. He's that ball.
He's the worst. That ball, yeah.
That ball did not. That ball.
That thing's not getting hit anywhere. No.
It's true. He just died out there in center field.
Joe West tried to call it strike three. Beautiful.
But, yeah. If you gave Trevor Bauer $10 billion and he tried to become Bruce Wayne with all these whacked out inventions and shit, he would just blow up the earth within two days.
Well, he'd cut his head off with a drone by accident. Hopefully, he would die before he killed everybody else in that point.
But yeah, baseball. Market Trevor Bauer.
He's a dickhead. Nobody really likes him.
But you know what? We like to not like people. Right, exactly.
It makes us talk. It's provocative.
It gets the people going. He's a provocateur provocateur yeah um all right last up we have a monday reading uh let's just hop right into it uh the title is i'm pregnant and struggling with my husband's lack of support regarding my in-laws behavior how can i improve the situation some info i've been happily married for 10 years now i'm still very much in love that's how it always starts by the way and he's like i guys don't worry i still love my significant other it's just there's a big thing that is really bothering me and i'm writing into reddit for it what i'm seeing is that there are a lot of people out there like the story always starts with i'm in love yeah all that must mean like the normal relationships are just between people that don't love each other right right all right and he's my best friend and we normally never argue i'm not even sure if this was an argument, but it left me feeling lonely, unsupported, and isolated from his side of the family.
So that's pretty common. The relationship with his parents has been strained.
They own a number of mouse figurines. They are made from different materials and one is a giant paper mache called Timothy.
Each of them has a whole character profile with backstories, personal preferences, family relations, and all of them are seen as part of the family. Timothy is seen as a grandchild.
So they've done like 23andMe on all these different mice figurines. Now, are these mice figurines, are they homemade? Some are, some aren't.
Some aren't, some are, Some aren't. Okay.
They basically just saw Ratatouille and took it too far. It's like the Avatar people who wanted to be an Avatar after they saw it.
Yeah. They got depressed.
They were upset that they didn't have a rodent that cooked them meals. Right.
So they got, yeah. Got it.
All right. What unsettles me is that they constantly talk as them with other mice or each other slash guests.
I need to know what the mouse voice sounds like. Ready? They'll use a high-pitched tone and they'll talk in a manner that little children would use.
For instance, my husband's father will squeakingly say, my tummy hurts, I am hungry, while wiggling a mouse plushie in my face. I'm then expected to answer the mouse and get it, not him, something to eat.
So then they just like fake feed the mouse?

They do this constantly.

And then food falls on the ground,

which leads to real mice.

Real mice.

They do this constantly.

In fact, most of the time,

the mice are talking, not them.

Till now, I've never said anything judgy,

but I usually avoid talking to the mice

and instead address the person talking.

That's kind of a you problem.

Off to the fucking mice.

Yeah, so play along. Like you're a guest in somebody's house yeah at least pretend to take interest in their mice figurines the other thing is like you should probably tell your partner about the mice and the voice situation before they meet the inline like that should be that's a big time like hey there's my parents are great they're loving they exclusively talk to each other in mouses.
Right. They think that they're mice figurines.
That should actually be in her Tinder bio. Yeah.
I've never talked as a mouse. His parents have noticed this and have often tried forcing me into it.
They are visibly upset that I won't participate and have gifted me mice figurines on several occasions that I haven't used. They just want to get you in on the party.
I actually sound like very nice people. Everybody has interest.
If an alien came down from outer space and saw us like paying so much attention to football and watching hard knocks and breaking down all 22 for no reason on Twitter, they would probably be like, these guys are a bunch of weirdos. They talk in football guys saying colloquialisms.
They're literally talking as a walking boot. Exactly.
Yes. There's zero difference.
Sometimes this mouse thing seems pretty cool. There's zero difference between what we do and these people pretending that their mouse figurines are part of their family.
I understand that it's probably them welcoming me into the family, but I'm just too creeped out by it. When they visit us, they force me to get them out of the closet, the figurines I'm assuming, and not and display them and i feel invaded by that at the same time i feel silly about feeling invaded by inanimate objects so the mouse is alphaed her yes totally yeah absolutely so you're letting the mouse have power over you right now today it escalated when we announced that i am pregnant and my father-in-law replied that it would be wonderful.
If it was a mouse. Dope.
To soon have two grandchildren. By the first, he meant Timothy.
Oh my God. For the first time, I got angry and said that he didn't have a grandchild yet and that my child wasn't comparable to a papier-mâché mouse.
They got very angry and I got screamed at as Timothy for disrespecting him. Oh, they screamed in Timothy's voice for disrespecting him.
Damn, Timothy got a temper. You know what though? I think that's kind of healthy.
A lot of times, people don't open up with their emotions and you need to have like an anthropomorphic mouse or just like some people do it with sock puppets. This is a very healthy way of getting your feelings out there.
It just happens to be through a fake mouth. Yeah, all right.
It's fine. Instead of supporting me, my husband stayed silent the whole time because he fucking loves the mice.
And later told – his brother is Timothy. And later told me that many people's stuffed animals talk and that he can't understand how I'm so tolerant in everything but this.
I was crying at the point, but he didn't comfort me, which is very unlike him. And how I know that he is truly upset as well.
He should have just come up with the mouse and been like, you need a hug? I've been very sad as I'm family oriented. No, you're not.
No, you're not family oriented at all. And I've always regretted that I don't feel included in his side of the family.
His parents have always acted cold towards me, although I've made an effort to take a genuine interest in their lives and to build a bond with them. Again, no, you're not.
This is like the most important thing in the world to them. And you hate it.
You hate it so much that you're writing posts about it online. Now, so Timothy is the grandchild, right? Yeah, yes.
So that means that her husband is Timothy's father. If it's a grandkid i think it's stepbrother maybe kind of situation it feels like i think you i think timothy maybe yeah that's where this is all coming from oh she secretly resents timothy because timothy is the son from his first marriage that's weird okay from a shame house okay after my outburst it's obviously uh even worse i feel lonely and unsure and i don't know how to act anymore or how to make him understand that i need him to do something if you're lonely it sounds like there's a bunch of fucking mice that will talk to you no like you shouldn't be lonely in a house full of mice also mice like doing doing the voice it's the most happy thing in the world yeah there's a reason mickey mouse is the most universally beloved character of all time you can't be upset and be a mouse.
Do you think this guy has ever gone off to his wife and been like, Hey, wanna do email tonight? I'm scared that he will Let me see those titties. Those titties look good for me.
How about a little 69? I'm scared that he will reject me for being difficult and putting him in an uncomfortable position. But at the same time, I feel like I can't stand this anymore.
I'm scared that they'll do this to our child. Oh.
Yeah. Oh.
Listen up. You bringing this child in the world, that child's best friend is going to be a mice.
Well, how about this? How about you just agree to name your kid Mickey if it's a boy or Minnie if it's a girl. Or Timofey.

Like Timofey Moskov.

Moskov.

Yeah, exactly.

There you go.

So I'm looking for advice on how to deal with the situation.

Should I press the issue

or accept the situation

and try to avoid them?

How should I deal with this

once our child is born?

I think you roll with it

because...

You gotta fucking be a mouse person.

Here's the thing.

You're actually lucky

because you found

one of the most interesting families

in the world

to welcome you in with open arms and they want to share their most prized possessions they want to share their love with you not only that's very rare not only that but you're lucky because guess what you don't have to actually ever have a conversation with your in-laws you just have to have a conversation with their figurine mice that's a fucking godsend you never have to be like oh when are you having kids well're obviously having kids, but like, oh, how's work doing? Just fucking talk to Timothy the mouse and you're good. You're left alone.
Or you could go the other way and try to blow the family up by having an affair with Timothy the mouse. Or getting a cat.
Bringing it to everything. Being like, here's my cat.
Just throwing it at the mice. My name's Brickles.
I'm a'm here i'm mighty hungry and i'm looking to take care of some mice what a power move if she just fucking adopted like 10 feral cats i'm a i'm a barn cat just dominated timothy either way um i think just have an affair with timothy and see how the parents react to that see who they choose. If they kick Timothy out or they kick you out.

Yeah, exactly.

All right.

That's our Monday reading.

Wednesday, we have Nikki Bella.

Very, very fun interview.

And a Mount Rushmore with a recurring guest from the first two months of Pardon My Take History.

An old, old time recurring guest.

So get ready.

Love you guys I'll be coming for your love again.

Take on me.

Take on me.

Take me on.

Take on me.

I'll be good in a day or two So fearless to say I'd say no else But I'll be stumbling away So my life is okay Stay after me It's so much better To be safe than sorry Take on me Take on me Take me on Take on me I'll be good

It's a day or so Take on me, I'll be good

It'll take yours, you

It's Pardon My Take presented by Barstool Sports.