Dr. Phil, Jacoby Brissett, Mt Rushmore Of Area 51 Raiders And Meats

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On today's part of my take, we have two guests and two Mount Rushmores.

Yeah, we're in the dog days of summer, but that doesn't mean we're not going to keep producing great shows for you.

We have Dr.

Phil.

We have Jacoby Brissette, who has gone crazy on Twitter, but we also may have started a new club with him.

And we have the Mount Mount Rushmore of Athletes You'd Like to Storm Area 51 with and the Mount Rushmore of Meats.

So pack show, guys on chicks as well, Hot Sea, Cool Throne, the regular Wednesday stuff.

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Okay, let's go!

Now in the streets, there is violence.

And then I love the song

to be done.

Looks behind a low washing.

And then I can blame all on the sun.

Oh, no.

We're gonna rock down to Electric Avenue.

And then we'll take it higher.

Oh, we're gonna run down to Elite Trake Ivenue.

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Help some animals.

Today is Wednesday, July 17th, and I have jury duty.

As right now.

Right now.

You are currently in a Brooklyn jury pool.

Bring your floaties.

I figured this would be something very easy to get out of.

Dude, I've done it.

I've already got, so, so I've, I skipped it the first time.

Then the second time they sent me a notice and I went and I said, hey, it's football season.

They're like, hey, we get it.

You're a football guy.

They looked me up and down.

And I said, why don't you come back?

When's a good time?

I was like, how about after the Super Bowl?

I skipped that time by accident.

And then now we're on the fourth time.

I feel like I'm fucked.

You just need to show up wearing a Blue Lives Matter t-shirt because then they'll just kick you off the jury, right?

You can't sympathize with law enforcement or you can't sympathize.

Either go as a cop or go as a criminal.

Go drunk, wear rollerblades.

There's different things I've been thinking about.

Yeah.

Doing it.

Blading would be good.

What if I just went and like played YouTube videos loud with no headphones in the whole time?

And when they asked me questions, be like, hold on one sec.

I just want to finish this prank real quick.

Can't you just say that you're very religious and judge not lest you be judge?

That's true.

That's true.

There's a lot of it's against my religion to be a juror.

Yeah.

How about

we have to do interviews and we have to produce content for the people?

Yeah, just be like, listen, judge, Madden ratings just came out.

I have to pour through all of these and analyze which players were snubbed and which players should feel good about themselves.

I'll understand.

So that is the big story that's going on.

Not my jury duty, but Madden ratings, because we are in the throes of the dog days of summer and people are mad about Madden ratings.

So much so.

Did you see Demarcus Lauren?

Lawrence, who just signed, I think, $65 million?

He got guaranteed.

I wouldn't give a fuck at that point.

Would not give a fuck, but he said, you're not going to disrespect me and get away with it.

So he's coming after video game development.

That's a threat to Madden.

And Trubisky was ranked the 20th best quarterback with a rating of 75.

That was okay.

Pat Mahomes, number one?

I think so.

I think there was a few people who got 99s.

I think it was DeAndre Hopkins, Khalil Mack.

Aaron Donald.

Aaron Donald got a 99.

There was one other person who got a 99, but who cares?

It's the ultimate ultimate who cares July story, Madden ratings.

Yeah, as somebody that hasn't played Madden since they lost me when they did the passing vision.

I couldn't get back into it after that.

Very tough.

Yeah.

That was when the real gamers showed up.

Exactly.

Not to brag.

Oh, you're a good guy.

Oh, I still Madden guy?

I still Madden for about a week a year.

I buy it.

I do a season.

I turn it off every time I'm about to lose.

And then...

Yeah, I just forget about it after that.

Yeah, once they started doing the live games where they put you in a lobby and then you hear like 12-year-old white kids call you the N-word.

At that point, I was like, I think, I think this is really past me.

Yeah, I'm not part of this culture anymore.

Yeah, so Madden ratings.

If you want to know what's buzzing, Madden ratings and old face pictures.

I mean, two hot topics right now.

Hot topics.

Now, the old face stuff, I'm very interested to see.

Can they do videos on that now, or is it just limited to the pictures?

Because what I want to do, I want to take the Snapface baby picture app, the baby picture filter, do Stephen A.

Smith, and then put the old face on that and see if it turns young Stephen A.

Smith into present-day Stephen A.

Smith.

Ooh, a little time traveling.

Yeah.

I don't like the old faces because I just see it like someone old faced me and I was like, that's probably going to be in like four years.

I just look at the rate of aging that I'm doing.

I was like, yeah, that's me.

I'm old.

Yeah.

I'm old right now.

I'm going to be that old soon.

Somebody showed me their picture today, and

I was like, wow, that's pretty good.

That's a pretty good old face.

And it was the picture before they'd put the filter on it.

Oh, yikes.

Yeah.

Yikes.

Not great.

Yeah, so a lot of buzz.

But we have a big show for you because we have two Mount Rushmores and two interviews.

So what's better than that?

I wonder if you can put the old face on Mount Rushmore on like the stone carvings.

Oh, make them even older?

Mm-hmm.

Yeah.

I can do old face with dogs now.

Don't want to do it.

You don't want to do that.

You could do it with Jesus.

We always talk about Jesus as the ultimate what could have been guy if he didn't get injured.

Maybe you could see what 60-year-old Jesus would look like once he got problematic and didn't catch up with technology.

Canceled on Twitter.

What about Mbappe?

He's probably impervious to the old face.

It's always going to compute.

Yeah.

We'll never grow old.

He's Peter Pan.

Yeah.

All right.

Should we do the Mount Rushmores?

Let's just hop right in.

Let's just jump right into it.

Yeah.

So one thing we will promise you on this show is we're not going to create content out of, we're not going to squeeze blood from a rock.

No.

Right.

We did the Madden Rings.

We did the jury duty, and we did cool throne.

We're going to do Hot Sea Cool Throne.

We're going to do that.

Actually, you know what?

There was a big story today.

Oh, yeah.

Blake of the Year runner-up, Brooks Kepka.

Oh, yes.

Is ducking Tiger Woods Calls.

You guys got to chill.

That's your hot seat cool thrown.

All right, we'll wait to talk about it.

We're going to save it for you, Hank.

It's a little nice of us.

It's a teaser.

Here's another teaser.

You can watch us on part of my take or barstowgold.com slash PMT.

Watch our interview with Dr.

Phil.

Watch our interview with Jacoby Broussett.

In the van.

Watch us get contentious on these Mount Rushmores.

So what is the order?

I believe I start this time.

Yes.

Because Big Cat went first last time, right?

Did I?

I went first last time.

Hank went.

I went first last time, so I go first this time.

No.

Because Hank went first the first time.

I went first the second time.

Remember when I was doing that?

No, but I went second.

We should be able to figure this out.

Yeah, I go first.

Can we just

play one second?

Yeah,

yeah.

It always goes this way.

Okay, so you go first.

I go first on the first one.

I'm not bullied into it, Hank.

No, I go first on the first one, then you go first on the second one.

It's one of these two ways.

So if the cat went second, then he would go.

I go first.

Okay, right.

Or third.

All right, so Mount Rushmore, first one we're going to do is the Mount Rushmore of athletes you you would like to storm, have on your side storming Area 51.

So someone tweeted this.

They did a terrible job.

We're going to do a better job.

The only rule is they have to be alive, and it can be old athletes, current athletes, whatever.

Still alive, though.

Still alive.

Tommy Lasorda is in game.

Still alive.

All right.

My first pick.

I'll just take Dennis Robin because he knows he went to North Korea.

He can figure out, you know, diplomatic stuff.

He will be able to talk to the aliens.

That's a good point.

And he would have those aliens kissing our ass by the time he was done with them.

Yeah, there's a pretty good chance that the aliens are like 90s Bulls fans.

Just like Kim Jong-un.

Very strong.

It might just be Kim Jong-un in Area 51.

Who knows?

Who knows?

Well, they might not be 90s Bulls.

Do you think they have TV in Area 51?

Yeah, for sure.

They can watch everything.

Probably live.

Okay.

Anytime.

Actually, that wouldn't be a bad gig if you were an alien.

You crash land on a planet and they just give you like red zone, TV, snacks.

Pretty good deal.

Pretty good life.

Pretty good deal.

All right, PFT, you're up.

All right, my my first one, Bill Walton.

Ooh.

Bill Walton would be a trip.

Not only would he be so excited to meet the aliens, he'd probably just have them eating out of the palm of his hand.

They would probably get along real well.

Dangerous concern.

Yeah, are you worried about him getting to, like, if you're storming area 50?

Not at all.

Not at all.

And also, they might not have his chair.

Nobody's going to shoot Bill Walton.

He's going to storm it with his chair.

He might be the first one shocked because he's so tall.

Yeah, nobody.

Who was the guy in

the Bond video game?

Odd job.

No.

No, the other Jaws.

You're thinking he's like Jaws?

Yeah.

Well, then bonus for me because they're targeting him and not me.

True.

Good point.

All right, Hank.

You got two.

Oh, fuck.

I forgot I had two.

My first one is Kevin Garnett.

Okay.

Pull up with the Uzi.

M16s.

A couple joints, all of them.

Silencers.

Okay.

He would just go ham.

My second one, I guess I'll go with Sam Cassell.

Ooh.

Just because, you know, maybe if there is any type of like, maybe these guys are like us, they'll see Sam Cassell and be like, all right, that's an ally.

Very good call.

Yeah, I said that on the last show.

But good job, Hank.

I know.

I like that.

Yeah.

Use what you got.

My second one.

Are you the first person to say Sam Cassell looks like an alien?

Yes.

I was.

I think he knows of.

I literally said when they're storming Area 51, they should have Sam Cassell under a tarp, like that scene in Independence Day where Will Smith shows him, should I leave this here with you guys and just be on my way?

And they let him in.

No.

Did you have him on your list?

Yeah.

You had him on your list?

I did.

Let me see your list.

No, I'm not going to let you see my list.

Exactly.

You're going to steal all of them.

Go ahead.

All right.

My second one is going to be Adam Orson.

Ooh.

Because he's got all the weapons.

He's got the survival bunker.

He knows how to get by hard times.

He does.

That's a good one.

He does not.

He does not.

All right.

I'm going to go with

Usain Bolt because he'll just run past everyone.

Tough to catch.

Because we're storming Area 51.

We don't know what's going to happen with the aliens.

We've got to get in there first.

Usain Bolt, number one.

So I got the speed, and then I'll go with some muscle.

I'll go with James Harrison.

That's good.

Always plays, always scary to aliens, humans, whoever may be.

Carbon-based life forms, at least.

He just shows up with his gray sweatsuit, and you know it's on.

That's a good pick.

Okay.

My next one, I'm going to go with Jim Brown.

So I don't know if you guys have seen the movie Mars Attacks.

He can't even stand.

He can barely stand.

Have you seen Mars Attacks?

He beats the fuck out of no less than three dozen aliens by himself.

But what about today?

I'm talking about, I'm going on a track record of success here for Jim Brown when it comes to dealing with aliens.

Problematic.

But you.

Well, he's.

Listen, I'm not saying I want to hang out with Jim Brown.

You endorse Jim Brown.

I'm saying that I would like Jim Brown to beat the fuck out of aliens so they don't beat the fuck out of me.

Yeah.

You endorse Jim Brown.

Hank.

What do you got?

Bobby Hole in there, too?

My last two, right?

I will go with CT from the challenge.

Ooh, good athlete.

Beast mode.

He's not going to go down until he takes out as many as he can.

Good athlete.

He will go out fighting.

Hell yes.

And then my last one, I guess I'm going to go with Kyle Long because I feel like he's woke.

Like he's kind of, he probably knows some things about Area 51s that, like, the regular folk might not.

And he's just a beast.

Yeah.

He's good at video games, too, so he could be a juice when it comes to shooting lasers and different things.

Yeah, like a week over a ship, and it's like, what do we do in this ship?

And he's like, I know.

He's like, I got this.

I've played Microsoft Flight Simulator.

That's good pick.

I can fly this UFO.

That's a good pick.

All right, PFT, your last pick?

My last one's going to be Marshawn.

Marshawn Lynch, tough to bring down in any situation.

Would probably just smoke the aliens out, make them real chill.

Yep, just hang out and have a little hang sesh back there with them.

Um, okay, that's a good pick.

I like that pick, Marshawn Lynch.

Um, all right, my last pick, I'm gonna go with,

and let's not let's throw out what we recently saw on the beach,

but Coach O because there will be a moment where things will get down and be like, I don't know if we can do this, and we'll all look to Coach O and he'll get us back up.

Yeah, so he'll get us ready to go.

What do we got for honorable mentions?

I had uh I had Saquon on, that's good, good, Tough to bring down as well.

Indomic and Sue.

Indomic and Sue.

Step on their crotches.

Gronk would be good because you show up, and if they're aliens, Gronk will laugh at their jokes and immediately be like, these guys aren't so bad.

You know, Gronk is a perfect glue guy that you have around that.

He'll probably start shotgunning beers and

smashing monster energies over his head.

Yeah, I don't care who you are.

If you see Rob Gronkowski stand up on like a couch, if you're in the middle of Area 51 and you're an alien, you see him stand up and just start partying.

Yep.

And like just bring LM FAO along with him and just get a party going in there.

Yep.

Tom Brady.

I just like to spend some time with him.

Okay.

Because you'd like to die with Tom Brady.

Personal pick, yeah.

Uh-huh.

I don't hate that.

The personal pick.

What about Nick Sabin?

Because he's might, I think if there's anyone who knows about aliens already, it's Nick Sabin.

He would try to recruit them.

Right, right.

He would have them easily, you know, he'd get him in.

What does he get by everyone?

Like a Dodge Viper?

He'd buy him a Dodge Viper.

He'd get a Mercedes dealership.

Oh, yeah, yeah.

No one cares about uncovering that.

But yeah, the Mercedes dealership.

You'd get him probably like a three-down lineman on the defensive line, ready to go.

We should just storm,

like we should storm Alabama's weightlifting facility and see what's really going on.

What's going on there?

But point of order, Nick Saban, I don't think he's an athlete.

He did play college, did he not?

I'm pretty sure he did.

Oh, yeah.

He's like plumbers.

I mean, if CT's on there,

CT is an elite athlete.

Oh, I know he was playing college in like the 50s.

He was like a 5-foot-eight defensive,

like a MAC school.

Yeah.

What about Charles Barkley?

Another guy who everyone loves Charles Barkley.

Just to hang out with?

Yeah, I'd put him in Hank's bucket where it'd be cool to hang out with Charles Barkley if I was going to die, anyways.

Right, right.

He'd probably crack a good couple jokes right before the aliens skull fuck shit.

Yeah.

Sammy Watkins.

He's been talking about the spaceship coming back.

Yep.

He's probably in tune with those guys.

Shaq.

Okay.

But again, that is a major case of Jaws.

So he's so big that he would take any bullets.

How about this one?

How about Jim Harbaugh?

Maybe like a little

curb your enthusiasm where he looks at his dad in the eyes and they're like, are you me?

Are am I you?

And kind of one of those situations.

I also just think Jim Harbaugh, like, he would never lose a fight against an alien.

That's right.

Yeah.

I mean, the original satellite camp was probably the spaceship that brought him down here in the first place.

Yeah.

Exactly.

Did you see that hilarious video?

It was a picture of the Harbaughs having a kid throwing contest in their pool.

It was great.

It was perfect in all ways because it was, I think it was Jim and John, and they were throwing the kids up in the air, seeing who could throw the kids to the highest.

So you know that Jim was taking it very, very seriously.

And then the perfect edition was, and Jack is on the sidelines judging.

So Jack Harbaugh was at the edge of the pool giving official ratings on which kid went higher.

And you know that there was a fight there, too.

I would have paid so much to be there just so I could be like, hey, how about throwing me?

And Jim would be like, yeah, let's do it.

Let's do it.

I'll give it a shot.

Let's toss you up in the air.

All right.

Good.

Anything else?

Bubba, who do you have?

Bubba, do you have a mic?

You have a mic that works?

Flip the switch.

Flip the switch, Bubba.

This is a momentous occasion.

Probably Kyrie.

Oh, yeah.

There we go.

Bad teammate, though.

Or

the Baylor guy who was the meme.

Oh, Sean Ommen.

The super jack guy.

Oh, Sean Oakman.

Well, he's also problematic.

Bubba also problematic.

Although, I think he was.

No.

Was he exonerated?

Yeah.

I'm pretty sure he might have been.

I'm pretty sure he might have been.

That's a really definitive statement by me.

All right.

Let's do our second Mount Rush more.

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So today we're talking Mount Rushmore of meats, BBQ eats, favorite food items, throw on the charcoal grill.

Okay.

My first one, this is easy.

Wings.

Buffalo wings.

Whoa, okay.

Yeah, you had to take

the top meat on a nice drum, the top meat that everybody forgets.

That's how you can separate the amateur wing eaters from the pros.

Yep.

Hank.

I will go with bacon.

Whoa, okay.

That one going.

to be a basic pick.

You didn't see.

What?

I did not think with pick three I would get steak.

I didn't.

It's a value pick.

Hank is just like.

You're one of the epic bacon sriracha guys.

That's fine.

Yeah.

I just didn't think it.

All right.

I mean, bacon is great for pretty much any meal.

Like any meal.

You can have it for breakfast.

It's great.

If you have it with lunch on a burger, it's great.

If you have it on dinner for some side, it's great.

Okay, so I'll take.

How many meats that versatile?

I'll take

steak and sausage.

Okay.

Those are my two picks.

Yeah, sausage is good.

A hot Italian sausage.

The problem with sausage is sometimes it needs something to go along with it.

Almost always.

Yeah.

Okay.

My number two, I will go with Kobe beef.

Oh, okay.

I had this.

I went to a

steak?

Yeah, but it's different.

I went to like

a Japanese barbecue.

It's reclining, laying down.

It's meat you put on the grill for like 10 seconds.

It's meat that

melts teammates under the bus.

Yeah.

Also, Kobe beef problems.

Problematic, very bad.

Problematic beef.

Yeah.

The most problematic beef.

Also, Kobe Beef is one of those things that's gotten thrown around a lot recently where it first came out.

It was like, oh, it actually meant something.

Now it's like, you can just slap the label Kobe on anything.

Right.

Right.

Nutella beef.

Right.

You guys are haters.

Whoa.

Oh, okay.

Bacon and Kobe Beef?

Yeah.

Hank, I'm just predicting you're going to get buried in this one.

As the guy who complained that reclining was like laying down, I could make the argument that Kobe beef is steak.

It could be.

They also, I mean, Kobe Beef is the cow.

No, steak is steak.

Kobe beef is beef.

I'm talking the whole cow.

I bought the whole fucking cow.

Steak.

For a Mount Rushmore meats, that's pretty.

Oh, I just go forever.

I got a lot of meats.

You done, Hank?

Are you done criticizing my answers?

Nope.

Not at all.

All right, my next one is.

Hey, gentlemen's game.

My next one is going to be a fish that you caught with your bare hands.

Yes.

Because

they always taste better if you grab them yourself out of the river when they're swimming downstream.

Dude, how about that guy who tweeted me a picture being like, hey, my dad caught a fish with his bare hands?

That thing was dead.

He just fucking grabbed a dead fish that was just floating on the top of the water.

I mean, people, the internet was pouring in with support for me, telling me how easy it would be.

So, shout out to you guys.

Okay.

Okay.

And then I got one.

I also, a guy from Alaska hit me up and was like, if you come out, we can do it.

So, you know, if you need me to take another vacation, I could go out there and make it happen.

I will.

You truly don't believe me.

I will allow that.

But you can only be in Alaska for one day.

But days are like three days there.

That's true.

Good point.

Yeah, good point.

The land of the midnight sun.

You can land, stay for a day,

and the sun goes down.

Fine.

Well, no, that could be.

I don't care.

He can just go forever.

So we'll lose Hank.

Yeah, that was a heart of the deal.

It'll be like into the wild.

Christopher McKinley.

Yeah, Hank will end up in the back of a school bus.

My last one is going.

Fuck, I don't know what to choose here.

No, you have two more, but you have one right now.

Okay, yeah.

So my second to last one, as I was saying, is going to be...

I'm going Ribs.

Good pick.

Ribs is a great pick.

Yeah,

ribs is incredible.

It's a wonderful pick.

You can do so much.

They're so versatile.

Nothing like a nice, crispy rib with the sauce just dripping off it, falling off the bone.

Ribs.

Okay.

Ribs.

Ribs.

I'll go with brisket.

Oh, okay.

Okay.

You like those burnt ends?

I knew you did.

All right.

My last pick.

I'll go with

human liver with some fava beans and a nice candy.

put that on there.

Jake, put that on there.

Benjamin Ratspell, a fledgling killer's first flight.

Go ahead.

I will go with the meetup for tickets before the big game.

Oh, the meetup.

The meetup.

Okay.

Little Hezzy hay.

Hezzy hay.

Here we go.

You got it.

All right, PFT, your last pick.

My last one, I'm going to go with jerky.

Just jerky.

Just jerky.

Any kinds?

Well, I like beef jerky.

Okay.

You know what's really good is South African Biltong.

Their beef jerky.

They do it a little bit differently in South Africa.

Yep.

You have a basic pick.

Yeah, you're right.

Jerky is a real basic pick, Hank.

It's wonderful for a road trip.

You can eat it on your couch.

You can eat it with your hands.

You don't have to worry about getting messy with some of these other stuff, like ribs.

Bacon can get too greasy.

You definitely can't eat bacon with your bare hands.

True.

Chip a tooth while you eat it.

Yeah.

No, not if it's cooked properly.

You don't need no teeth to chew that beef.

Wait,

did I pick four or three?

I think you did three.

You did fava beans and liver.

All right, I'll do a hot dog for my third.

Yeah, I just only did one pick there.

Yeah, okay.

All right, I'll do hot dogs.

Hot dogs, three.

Lip soft.

So hot dogs my third pick.

Human liver with fava beans and an ice chianti spring.

Those nitrates going.

That was a great Mount Rush pick.

That one was contentious.

We missed a couple, though.

How about lamb?

Little veal?

Veal scalpini.

No, you want to talk problematic.

Let's talk about veal.

Okay.

It's tough.

It's just little baby calves.

You never get to see the light.

And they're delicious.

They're good tasting.

No one did.

Oh, you did Buffalo Wings, so I guess that's chicken.

What about a little crab or lobster?

Does that count?

Crab's good.

What about spam?

Do you guys like spam?

Nope.

Fried spam is delicious.

Nope.

It is.

It's good.

Fried chicken.

Fried chicken, we could have done fried chicken.

Spam is so on brand food.

I love to fry my chicken, then just throw it on the grill.

What does that mean, Hank?

Spam is on brand food.

She's right up there with like the 100,000 boxes of corn flakes and spam.

Are you just calling me poor?

You want to make us some spam?

I'm just saying it's just, it's very on-brand.

Spam is not bad.

Spam is bad.

No, it's not.

Yeah, I'm pretty confident saying spam is bad.

Not at all.

It's okay.

That's a hill-all diet.

It's government meat.

It's very cost-effective.

Spam and eggs is a delicious breakfast treat, especially if you're a bad person.

How often will you eat spam?

Once or twice a year for special occasions.

When was the last time you had spam?

I had spam in a breakfast taco not too long ago.

I think it was like six months ago, seven months ago.

Interesting.

Yeah.

I don't believe your spam frequency.

Twice a year is not that unprecedented.

I don't think you do it twice a year.

Okay.

Make sure you tweet every time you have spam from here on out.

I will.

I'll let you know.

So keep you tracked.

Absolutely informed about that.

All right.

That was a contentious two-mount rush for us.

We good?

I'm good.

We're going to want to hug it out, bitch.

No, I'm great.

All right.

Let's do hot seat cool throw and then let's get some interviews.

My hot seat is Pinstite Prestige.

Ooh.

Yeah.

So last night, newly acquired Yankees, Edwin and Carson Oscion.

Fuck.

Yeah.

He had a home run in a game that they lost.

Two home runs.

Two home runs.

And the MLB tweeted out that the parrot has earned his pinstripes, but they lost the game, and the home runs meant nothing.

Yeah.

I feel like

you have to.

And it's fucking July.

It is July.

He's been on the team for like a year.

And it's a game against the Rays.

Yeah.

As one of the members.

Oh, that's right.

So he can't.

He's technically a Rays player.

Yeah.

He's a carpet bagger.

You can't earn your pinstripes until you stop getting paid from your former employer.

I went back.

I just searched Incarnacion and Pinstripes and just retweeted everyone who said he finally earned his pinstripes.

Wait, so good point, Hank.

Did A-Rod ever truly earn his pinstripes if he was getting paid by the Rangers?

He got the new deal.

But did he re-earn his pinstripes after that?

I think so.

That's because when he won.

He won in 09?

Yeah, I think it was 09.

Okay.

All right.

I feel like if you're going to earn your pinstripes, it has to be, you have to hit one walk-off home run, right?

That's how it works.

I would say so.

Two home runs in a game, not pinstripes.

Three, if you hit a third, now you're Mr.

October.

Yep.

Yeah.

Or you could just be like Mickey Mantle.

I feel like he earned his when he got a blowjob underneath the stadium steering one day.

Remember when Derek Jeter, like when the

World Series went into November and everyone's like, Mr.

November?

That fucking sucked.

All right.

Yeah, that did suck.

What's your cool throw?

My cool throwing was Old People's Faces, but we talked about that, so I'm going to go with Brooks Kepka's chances for the 2020 Blake of the Year competition.

Yes.

Blake Bortles has won.

Blake Griffin has won.

So they're resting on their laurels.

They don't have the drive that they probably once had.

Correct.

And Brooks Kepka is just, he keeps it coming with his Blakeisms.

He has, if you call it.

Yeah, he had two today.

So he had Tiger texted him asking to play a round of golf before the British Open.

He just ghosted him.

So he cares more about the Blake of the Year than he does about Tiger Woods.

And then he did an interview where he basically just said, I don't practice

for regular tournaments.

If you see me playing golf, that's when I'm playing golf.

I would say that.

That's how I feel about working out.

It's smart of him to not just open up text messages from Tiger Woods, though.

True.

Because you're never going to catch a stray text when it's a Blake of the Year time that's just a picture of the dick.

Tiger Woods probably misfires on a couple dick picks at least three or four times a year.

Correct.

Or it's like meetup plans.

You don't need those out there, too.

No, you don't.

Yeah.

All right.

That's it, Hank.

Great job.

Thank you.

Good job, Hank.

I like your hot seat and your cool throw.

Thank you, PFT.

You're welcome.

My hot seat is the standard.

Uh-oh.

The standard is on the hot seat because today, Mike Tomlin, I think this was on NFL Live.

Somebody tweeted it at me.

So shout out to that person.

Shout out to you, dude.

Mike Tomlin said, the journey is the journey.

So we're replacing standard with journey, I think, this year.

I like that.

Yeah.

The journey is the journey.

Don't stop leading.

It's the journey.

Yeah.

Yeah.

The lights go down in the city.

It's not when you get there.

It's the journey.

The journey is the journey.

That's a big-time Bill Walton quote right there, too.

Yeah, that's good.

That's good.

I like that.

My other hot seat is the Monterey 5 because, as I've been telling you guys, I've been watching Big Little Eyes.

Yep.

And let me tell you, Meryl Streep is not going to be a good person.

No spoilers.

I'm just saying, Meryl Streep is wrecking people.

She's so her little passive-aggressive comments.

She is the all-time GOAT when it comes to passive-aggressive comments.

You ever see Steve Spurrier press conference when he's talking about Tennessee and they just beat the fuck out of him by like 40 points?

He's like, I reckon that's the closest game we've ever had with those guys.

That's what Meryl Streep does, like with these little snide remarks.

She's absolutely owning it.

She's going to make somebody do something they regret by the end of the season.

Calling my favorite nuts.

You guys need to watch Big Little Eyes.

That's what I'm getting at.

My other, well, no, I had the baby filter, so I'm taking that off.

My cool throne is future Hall of Famer Matt Stafford.

Oh!

Because Golden Tate, in an interview today, said that the best quarterback he ever played for was Matt Stafford, not Russell Wilson.

Well, he's got some history with Russ.

Allegedly, he has history with Russell Wilson.

He didn't say Nick Foles?

Is Russell Wilson going to be a Hall of Famer?

Mark Carson Wentz.

Russell Wilson will be a Hall of Famers.

Yeah, he's a Hall of Famer.

So two Hall of Famers he's played for.

Yeah, listen, you cuck future, you get in anywhere you want.

Well, actually, he has three future Hall of Famers now because he's playing with Eli.

True.

Yeah.

Great point.

He's the Hall of Fame maker

at various times in his career.

And possibly Daniel Jones.

Imagine if Daniel Daniel Jones went to the Hall of Fame.

I mean, there's a

chance he can take.

Oh, hey, that was a fucking killer.

That was good.

I can't wait for a training camp to get started just for all the pictures of Daniel Jones standing next to Eli Manning that we're going to get.

They always have that stupid open-mouth look.

It's going to be great.

My other cool throne is Game of Thrones.

Uh-oh.

Because they led...

all TV shows with 32 Emmy nominations.

That's actually the most all time.

So the final final season turns out it was awesome.

So critically acclaimed.

All you idiots that say that it sucked, you're wrong.

Mm-hmm.

Because Emmys matter more than your stupid opinions.

32 Emmy nominations.

It'd be great if they didn't win, though, wouldn't it?

There's so many that are just bullshit, though.

Like set design and all that crap and like costumes and

how many corpses you can blow up with dragon.

They probably are going to win an Emmy for like Dragonfire.

I mean, set design, you want to talk about it.

That one's legit.

If you want to talk about legit, we're spanning decades here.

We've got Starbucks Cup showing up.

We've got Jewel Pod showing up.

We've got bottled water showing up on set.

It's true.

It's a good point.

Mind-bending.

It's a good point.

All right.

My hot seats is

cups at Wrigley Field.

So it's been a big to-do.

The cup snakes at Wrigley.

Basically, at the end of games at Wrigley, the bleachers, people will put all their empty beer cups together and make the biggest cup snake they can do possible.

Our guy, Eddie, who has a podcast called Chicago Dog Walk Barstool, he works for Barstool.

He had a

security guard on named Ligma Balls.

Well, he just

interviews random people.

Yeah, he interviewed Ligma Balsack, and Ligma Balsack says, Is that Polish?

Yeah, that's Polish.

They said they are trying to stop the cups, and he got all into it.

Ligma Balsack then got fired, which is hilarious because at some point in the last week or so, there's been a meeting in the Cubs' offices, executive suites, being like, we got to do something about this Ligma ball sack guy.

But it gets better because the Cubs VP of Communication, Julian Green, who you might remember was accused of harassing journalists who wrote bad things about Addison Russell.

He wrote an email to us and to Eddie and said,

so now Barstool Sports.

Eddie and Carl are going to go on a crusade for a guy who goes by Ligma ball sack.

He wrote this email.

So this is the VP of communications had to write

for the Ligma ball sacks, and I said nothing because I was not a Ligma.

For a guy who goes by Ligma ball sack and make him a martyr under the guise of an emergency news brief, Eddie says they don't care about the snakes, but Barstool is selling $20 shirts that say, Come and take it.

You can buy those shirts right now in the Barstool Sports Store.

Thanks for the promotion there, Julian.

If this is the posture Barstool is going to take with our business and ex-employees, then we will have no interest in not only future opportunities with fans, players, etc., but flag our vote of no confidence with the other clubs and Major League Baseball.

I have received numerous messages from colleagues from around the league, including recently from the Cardinals, who call this BS.

And he goes on to keep going, but he threatened to take away the access we don't even have and cited the Cardinals as saying, yeah, that fun thing that every fan is doing in the bleachers, that's bullshit.

A vote of no confidence is the biggest pile of nothing that I've ever heard.

Like Like

reprimanding somebody by saying we had a vote of no confidence in you.

And I don't even know what that means, but that's just something that someone invented to make their job seem like it was powerful.

And let me just remind you, we're talking about cups.

We're talking about cup snakes where people are actually recycling.

They're doing a favor to

the Wrigley Field staff.

They're collecting all the cups for them so they don't have to go around and get them after the game.

So the cubs are actually destroying the environment.

Yes.

The cubs are ruining the planet.

Not really, Julian Green.

Hmm.

Not so green.

Credit to the Chicago guys.

I'm looking on our website store, and these shirts are ⁇ they have like 15 shirts.

Oh, they're so funny.

Why doesn't somebody just take a cup snake and then wrap it against itself so it becomes a big cup circle?

That would be good.

That would be tougher to remove.

Caught in it.

And it's just one of those classic things where if the Cubs security did nothing,

no one would care.

And if they just let a couple cup snakes get built, people would probably forget about the cup snakes.

But the fact that they're aggressively, I don't even blame the security guards, they're just doing their job.

They're probably, you know, college kids working in the summer.

I blame the people on the business side, not the baseball side of the Cubs, who are so out of touch with the fans.

And they send emails basically saying we're going to give you a vote of no confidence over cups.

That's tough.

Cup snakes.

That's very tough.

Talk about cupsnakes.

So, what's the way out of this?

I don't know.

I was saying the only, I was saying the best way out of it is if the Cubs had any self-awareness, they'd have Theo dress up like St.

Patrick and go and get rid of all the cupsnakes in the bleachers.

Make it fun.

Yeah.

But they don't.

It's not even Theo's fault.

I don't have anything to do with this.

I don't really see a way out of it.

No.

Because either they say, okay, we're going to have cupsnake night and the winner gets like season tickets.

Yes.

That's really the only way.

That is.

It's like going 100% the other way in the other direction.

I tell you what, the way to not do it is have your VP of communications email Eddie and Carl and say, we're giving you a vote of no confidence and the Cardinals have our back.

What if they just, what if they went like police state with it and started tasing people that made cup snakes?

I wouldn't.

It's actually, it's a public menace.

Yeah.

It's a danger.

These cup snakes, get these cup snakes out of my damn bleachers.

I do not like the fact that they are preventing people from recycling, though.

Yeah.

It's bullshit.

That is bullshit.

We're trying to save our planet.

As an environmentalist myself, it's the hottest summer ever.

Yeah.

That's right.

That's a fact.

Again, and it'll be even hotter next year.

If you don't stop throwing away all these cups.

Correct.

So way to go, Cubs.

You screwed that.

And again, the Cubs' business side.

The baseball side knows what they're doing.

It's the guys, Crane Kenny and Julian Green.

You screwed this one.

And thanks for taking away the access we never had.

Yeah.

So you got us.

All the Cubs interviews we've ever done is in personal relationships.

You got us.

You're not going to let us ever get anyone.

I was going to say it'd be a real shame if we didn't have to talk to Cubs players all the time on this show.

We haven't talked to anyone for a long time.

I know.

Cool Throne, SEC officiating, because they have a Twitter account now.

Oh, good.

So this will be a good way.

So they created a Twitter account for SEC football,

the most sane fans in the world.

And they basically were like, hey, welcome to Twitter, guys.

We're here.

They said, hello, world.

This account will serve as your source for rules, videos, statistics, and activities inside the SEC Video Center.

Go easy on us.

If you don't think that the SEC officials are going to be doctoring videos to make it look like Devin White hit that guy in the head a lot harder, you don't know Southern football.

I love that someone thought this was a good idea.

They're like, hey, what if we got in touch with the fans on this Twitter thing?

That would be good.

It's really no win for them.

So the responses are very funny.

A lot of like, hey, I'm an Alabama fan.

It's my check cleared yet.

But the people who, like, one guy just said, hey, can you please provide an explanation for the missed holding call against Sidney Rice vs.

Tennessee in 2006?

Good question.

They just went off on all these random things that have happened in the last like 30 years.

I've been talking about that.

Yeah, well, you know what?

At least that fan base probably doesn't have high amounts of internet activity compared compared to others I don't know if they all just have a Twitter account just to tweet at SEC football officials yeah that and recruits recruits and like high school kids and officials yeah getting into message board this actually could be brilliant though if we're talking about SEC fan bases I feel like they're the most likely to find like the officials private personal accounts and go after them.

So this is just like, hey, no, attack us.

Right.

It's a shield.

Shield.

Quick going after Cletus Blakeman's profile.

Okay, that's actually fair.

It could be a shield so that they can get away with all this stuff.

I'm going to reserve judgment until we hear from our guy, Paul.

Fine bomb.

Until he instructs us how to deal with this.

Bam hasn't played anybody, Paul.

All right, let's get to our interview with Dr.

Phil.

Then we're going to do Jacoby Brissette after the...

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Okay, here he is, Dr.

Phil.

Okay, we now welcome on Dr.

Phil.

You know him.

You've seen him on TV.

You might have read some of his books.

How many books do you have right now?

Well, let's see.

I've got a couple of Baldachis.

I've got...

Oh, you mean my books?

Yeah, your books.

I've written nine, actually.

Nine.

Yeah.

Okay.

Nine.

Which is your favorite?

Self matters.

Yeah, it's a lot of work to do, but it was a lot of work to write, too.

But that's my favorite, probably.

Okay.

By the way, we should just set the stage here.

We are at your house in our van.

Right.

It's raining out.

So if you hear the rain, that's why.

It's a little ambient noise that will probably set everyone at peace.

Yeah, did you see me pull in?

Yes, you were driving your convertible.

Your convertible in a driving rainstorm.

And it starts dousing you.

I was just coming up the hill and all of a sudden, bam, it just got me.

I figured I could get here quicker than I could stop and put up the tops.

Yeah, well, you know what they say about the weather in L.A.?

Yeah.

If you don't like it, just wait five minutes.

Yeah, but I mean,

it's supposed to rain.

It's supposed to rain like again in like, I don't know, November?

Yeah.

Well, you're right.

That's the thing.

When it rains in L.A., you just say, hey, we needed the water.

Yeah, it's only when you take your convertible out.

That's when it rains.

Okay, so Dr.

Phil.

I gotta say, I like your studio here.

Thank you.

This is a very vintage VW van, right?

Sweet.

Yeah, 1982, I think.

It's a good year.

Before Big Cat jumps in, I have one quick question about the rain.

Is it true that it makes people have to use a bathroom?

I hope not.

Yeah, because we're kind of jammed in here.

Yeah, well,

we've got a bathroom right above it, so if you get desperate, let me know.

Okay, we're going to ask a lot of doctor questions just so you know.

I also want to do something where I'm going to try to Dr.

Phil you during this interview at certain points.

Good luck with that.

Okay, well, game on.

Yeah.

Game on.

All right, I want to start with something.

So we are a sports podcast.

You played football growing up.

Not very well, but

you played in college.

That's pretty damn good.

And you also were part of a team that lost 100 to 6.

That's correct.

Although I didn't play in that game.

Oh, I have an excuse.

You're throwing your teammates under the bus, though.

No, I have an excuse.

That was in 1968 against the University of Houston.

And my excuse is that's the year that something called the the Hong Kong flu, which is kind of like the bird flu now, came through and absolutely decimated our team.

So we were completely wiped out by the Hong Kong flu.

So we were scheduled to play the University of Houston.

Bill Yeoman, the coach at Houston, said, look, don't cancel the game.

We know y'all are sick.

We know you don't have enough players.

But don't cancel the game.

It'll cost us a fortune.

Come down.

We'll play the game.

We're not going to run the score up on you.

So we go down there with 23 players.

The guy that played quarterback had not taken a snap since the seventh grade.

Oh, my God.

And he runs the score up 100 to 6.

Can you believe that?

And you weren't there.

And then that was.

I was in the infirmary at the University of Tulsa with a lot of my teammates.

We were like puking our guts up and

listening to it on the radio, thinking, oh, God.

Was that the end of your football career?

No, I mean, I did play later against OU that year.

We got beat 77 to 7.

Oh, okay.

And the headline, I think, was, OU Frosch

extra points enough to beat Tulsa.

I don't know.

That's mean.

I mean, that's chicken.

That's true.

Come on.

That's true.

Yeah, it was true.

Yeah, 11-7.

I did the math in my head.

Yeah, thanks.

Were you a captain on the team?

Yes, I was, actually, sadly.

I feel like you would be a pretty good halftime speech giver.

Yeah, well, the coach did that.

And usually we were getting our ears beat off.

but you know we were you know we had some good games but we had some bad games but I enjoyed football I have to tell you remember how the coaches used to tell you men this will teach you about life and I used to think oh yeah this will teach you about football not about life but as it turned out it actually did yeah I believe it so you you kind of consider yourself or I guess a lot of doctors do consider themselves coaches in a way how do you know when you're talking to somebody when to grab them by their face mask and yank them over to you and just when to give them a hug

well everybody's different you know you don't um I never confront just to be confronting.

I never support just to be supporting.

I do whatever I read in the moment somebody needs to make a meaningful change in their life.

What do I need right now?

Oh, you seem to be doing pretty good.

You seem like you're pretty happy.

Uh-huh.

Yeah.

You seem pretty chill.

You're hanging around in a van.

Yeah, so just a high five is what I need.

How did this van get out here, by the way?

We drove it.

Very carefully.

You drove this from New York.

No, no, no.

We rented it.

Yeah.

From down from like 40 minutes away from L.A.

Hey, Dr.

Phil, are you happy?

About what?

Life.

Yeah, I'm pretty happy in my life.

How about you?

I'm good.

Yeah?

Yeah.

What are you happy about?

Life.

What about your life?

Things are going pretty well right now.

Yeah, you got a relationship?

Yeah, I am actually going to have a child in a, I don't know when this will air, but in a month.

Oh, you're expecting?

Yeah.

First?

Can you tell?

Look at my belly.

First?

Yes.

Boy or girl?

Boy.

Oh, you know.

Do you want me to name him Phil?

Have you picked a name?

If you give me $1 million, I will name him Phil.

I don't care what you name him.

Okay.

I wouldn't give you 50 cents.

I know.

Hey, Dr.

Phil, I noticed you deflected there.

Are you sure you're happy?

I'm very happy.

He's Dr.

Philly.

I'm silence there.

Uh-oh.

I'm Dr.

Philling you.

There was some silence.

I was waiting for you to come up with some.

No, no, the silence spoke volumes.

Yeah, we'll be back.

All right, so back to sports.

That was the first.

You passed that test.

Okay.

First Dr.

Phillip.

A squeak by?

Yeah, you squeak by.

You did a segment once on your show about fanatical sports fans.

I did?

Yeah, you had a guy on who was a Cowboys fan who said

the Cowboys need me as a fan.

They need me as a fan.

So at what point is

being a fan of a team detrimental to one's life?

Well, you know, I have a simple definition for whether something is abnormal or not.

I mean, if you go to the library and you look up normal, there's nothing there.

You look up abnormal, there's stacks and stacks of books, rows and rows of books.

But if you look up normal, there's like one little pamphlet laying down.

Nobody knows what normal is.

But something's abnormal if it disrupts your life, if it interferes with your pursuit of goals, if it interferes with your relationships, if it interferes with your job, your career.

I mean,

if it interferes, then that's abnormal.

And so if you have an obsession with something, whether it's video games, sports,

your job, gambling, whatever, yeah, if it disrupts your pursuit of healthy goals, then that's abnormal.

And there are fans that get that way.

Okay, what about doesn't disrupt my normal life, but totally affects my mood for weeks and months at a time.

That's not good.

Are you sure?

Because I feel like that's

more of a fan.

That's just like a hard, you know, you wear it like a coat of honor.

You're taking yourself too seriously.

He didn't necessarily say it made him feel worse.

It just changes his mood from maybe he feels better.

Yes, he did.

He said it disrupts his mood.

yeah it does in a positive way though yeah when we win yeah yeah but what happens when you lose bad really bad really bad spiral because i'm a cowboy fan and i quit him every sunday and then i swear i'm never going to watch him again then every sunday morning i'm back again right yeah i i quit him then i'm back again every sunday morning hey i've got a really dumb question why is it called a shrink

Well, I think the idea was that you're shrinking somebody's head, so you're getting in there and pulling everything back together.

Okay.

And from what I know, when it comes to speaking with shrinks, goal setting is very is that offensive to use the S-word?

Shrink?

No.

Okay,

I didn't know.

I didn't know that.

I think some people it probably is.

They probably think it's condescending.

It doesn't bother me in the least.

Okay, so I know that goal setting is very important.

But for guys like us, like if we set a goal and then we don't hit it, that sucks.

So why would I want to set a goal and then not hit it?

Well, you wouldn't.

You wouldn't want to set a goal and not hit it, particularly if you're fragile.

Not fragile, strong.

Fragile, actually.

Nobody hits all their goals, right?

So what do you do if you set a goal, you're really excited about it, and then you fall a little bit short?

Well, you adjust and

go after it again.

I mean, you probably made some progress, right?

Probably, yeah.

So you've got a new base to start with, and you set it up a new plan and go after it again if it's still something you want.

Okay.

What about this?

So we deal with this a lot.

We're, you know, we have a a successful podcast.

We're online a lot.

We oftentimes will just read the one or two negative things and gloss over the 98 positive things out of 100.

How do you fix that?

Well, look,

everybody's got haters, right?

Yep.

And

everybody wants to be liked by everybody.

You wish everybody thought everything you did was great.

But they're just not.

You just have to tell yourself, no matter what you do, I don't don't care.

You could change.

You could read what those haters said and change everything that they say, accept every criticism, and do your podcast again.

Either they or somebody else would find something wrong with it.

I guarantee you there are people out there that they're going to hate no matter what you do.

So you might as well just do what you want.

What is the mentality of a hater?

Let's put down the haters because that's how I like to fight back.

Like, you're a loser, dude.

Well, there are those people that just sit in their mother's basement, haven't seen sunlight for weeks,

go off, don't do doodly squat,

and they just find fault with other people and disparage the efforts of others.

I mean, there are those people that do that, and they get off on it.

I call them keystroke bullies.

Oh,

okay.

And you know something?

They would never say that to you in an elevator.

That's true.

They'd probably

have an electric truth, yeah.

Yeah, if they were in an elevator, they wouldn't say, hey, you suck.

Your podcast is shallow.

It's terrible.

It's horrible.

They wouldn't say that to you.

They wouldn't say that to you if they were walking down the street.

But they're anonymous, so they'll say it to you on a keyboard.

Interesting.

So you actually have a podcast now, too.

Yeah, I have a couple.

Do you have any questions for us about how to be a successful podcaster?

Yeah, how have you?

What do you guys attribute to yourself?

Step one, because you really are successful at this.

Buy a van.

That's number one.

Yeah.

Step two, we don't take ourselves too seriously.

Right.

As you you can probably pick up on this interview.

Yeah.

I think people like to laugh and get a distraction from the serious parts of life, and that's what we try to do.

We never get too serious.

We never talk about subjects that will make people

upset.

And not even upset.

I'm talking more like we just like to keep everything on the lighter side of life.

I think you skipped something that I think makes you successful.

Go right to it.

I think both of you are really curious.

I think you're naturally very curious.

I am.

Because you ask questions that suggest to me that you really do want to know about people or other people.

So there's a natural curiosity that to me makes you sound very authentic.

Yeah.

Okay.

It makes you sound like you really genuinely are interested in whoever you're talking to.

That's true.

We want to know really how we can get better at gambling.

Yeah.

That's good if you're going to be a gambler.

We're not very good.

A goal is to get less bad at gambling.

That's what I like to do is set very nebulous goals.

So that way I can just say, yeah, I hit that one.

I got a little bit better, probably.

Yeah.

And you lost less money, right?

Yeah, right.

Quantifiable.

Yeah, in 2015, my New Year's resolution was to drink more apple juice.

Yeah, I had to go.

I'd have like two glasses of apple juice, and it was more than the year before.

I should put that in a book?

Yeah, you can do that.

You should put that in the book.

That's your 10th book right there.

Small goals.

Take the low-hanging fruit.

Yes.

Apples, squeeze them, drink the juice.

I like that.

Yeah.

Is there something to be said, though, for doing just the bare minimum when it comes to goals?

Like, I like to set really low goals and then sort of, like, roll over the bar.

Yeah, and then that way you don't ever have to face failure.

Rejection.

Correct.

You're always self-affirming.

Yes.

I like it.

Is that bad?

Long run, it probably doesn't pay real well.

Wait, is that bad what you just said?

No, it's good if it works for you.

Okay.

Okay.

I'm not sure it pays the rent, but

it seems to be working for you pretty well.

Yeah.

You were able to rent this van.

Are you comfortable right now?

I'm okay no in your life oh i thought you meant here no because you guys are pretty comfortable are you comfortable and cozy

uh yeah i'm pretty comfortable are you comfortable in your own skin dr phil yeah i'm pretty comfortable in my own skin how about you i'm i'm pretty comfortable in my own skin yeah how about you i'm pretty comfortable with my own skin are you comfortable in his skin oh no i'm not talking are you wait are you talking about are you talking about docking you like hanging out with him yeah yeah yeah you like hanging out with him yeah we're buddies we're best of friends oh yeah does one of you think the other talks too much?

Yeah, I think we both think that about the other person, so it works out.

Exactly.

That's a good balance.

It's real Jack Spratt and his wife that eat no lean situation.

Our biggest problem is our producer is kind of got a bad attitude.

Yeah.

Mm-hmm.

Was he trying to cut you off?

Does he bring thunder into things?

He takes a lot of vacations.

No, yeah, and he also yawns really loudly, like aggressively.

Ready for this?

That's actually just what it sounds like.

What would the Dr.

Phil life strategy for that be?

I'd fire him.

Okay.

Damn.

Yikes.

Well, Dr.

Phil, sorry, Hank.

That's Hank right there.

I wouldn't care if he had kids, cat, dog.

I'd just

fire him straight up.

Yeah, okay.

So Dr.

Phil's orders.

But then you'd find out that nobody was here in your podcast because that producer is what gets you on the air.

Whoa.

And then you'd go back and hire him.

Plot twist.

And then he would say, hey,

you're going to have to pay me more to get me back.

Damn.

Because when I got out, I felt really free.

Damn.

So it's going to be a high price, right, Hank?

Yeah.

You just gave our producer a raise for it.

I'll represent you.

Yeah.

Okay.

You know what?

You just picked up Hank's name that quickly.

I said it once.

I feel like that is a trait of successful people.

They remember people's names very quickly.

Would you agree?

Who said that?

I seriously do, though.

No, you have to pay attention.

Right.

I think people just like hearing the sound of their own name, too.

Right.

It just also makes them feel better.

Whoa, he was listening to that.

I have a hypothetical situation.

So I did my research on you.

I found out that you were a pilot.

Right.

You still have your license?

I do.

Okay.

Situation here.

You're on a passenger jet.

The pilot starts having a nervous breakdown.

What is your action?

Do you go up and try to counsel him through his nervous breakdown?

Or do you say, out of my way, flyboy?

I got the sticks.

Dr.

Phil's landing this bird.

Buzz the tower.

I would really go up and try to calm him down so the co-pilot could do his job.

Okay.

Because Because there's two of them up there, you know.

That's true.

So you would choose.

If both of them were in a meltdown, I would just try to distract this guy so he didn't do something really stupid.

All right, so let's pretend that this little role play.

PFT and I are the pilots.

Trying to calm him down.

What the hell?

I'm so stressed out.

I can't fly this plane anymore.

Fuck this all.

I'm in the middle of the day.

So much touchy gambling.

Get this guy out of here.

I've just done the Microsoft flight simulator.

What the fuck?

Are you Dr.

Phil?

See, there's something about me that's different than other people.

When I get on a plane, everybody gets gets on a plane and they just step on and turn right, go to their seat.

I never do that.

I get on and look left because I want to look at who's flying that airplane.

Well, every single time I have never gotten on a plane that I didn't look the pilot in the eye.

Dr.

Phil, if you got onto a plane and looked at me and then looked at Dan and then continued on to that plane, that says more about you than it would about us.

You get right back on.

You got yourself into that situation.

All right, everybody.

Follow me.

Yeah, we're out of here.

Oh, here's a good question.

Have Have you ever wanted to be a psychiatrist for a mafia boss?

No.

Not at all?

Not even after watching The Sopranos?

No.

You're afraid you'd fuck them?

Yeah, I'm afraid I would.

I'm afraid I would wind up floating with the fishes.

Ooh, that's a good point.

I'd say something, I wish I hadn't said,

piss them off.

Next thing you know,

they're standing by your car in the parking lot.

It's interesting you say that because you are very direct.

That's kind of what you're known for.

I'm pretty direct.

Have you ever, ever, does that ever cause tension with some of your patients that you've had in the past?

All the time.

People, sometimes it's very difficult to hear the truth.

And I don't think I'm the repository of all knowledge, but I'm going to tell people the truth as I see it because I think they deserve that, right?

I mean, if people, I think,

particularly now, I think if people are willing to write in,

And people that I talk to on Dr.

Phil have written in an average of, I think, something like 28 times or something by the time they get on

they go to all that trouble pack up get on a plane fly out here willing to go public and sit down talk to me they I think they deserve clarity I don't think they should go home wondering what I think about their situation I think they at least deserve to know clearly what my opinion is they don't have to agree with it hear it if it won't stick withstand challenge throw it out but they shouldn't go home think wonder what he thinks

Interesting.

I think I should be clear.

Yeah.

Say something about millennials.

They stink.

Well, millennials are a little different because they've grown up in a different, a completely different world than I grew up in.

I mean, even when I started Dr.

Phil, the first tweet had not been sent.

There were no smartphones.

There wasn't social media to speak of.

They've grown up in a completely different world.

I mean, I've got two boys.

They don't know what a library is.

They don't know it's a a big book with buildings.

Everything is Google.

What's a big building with books?

Wikipedia.

Yeah, they just don't know.

They find it on the internet.

So they've grown up in a completely different world than I grew up in.

So they are different.

It's the biggest shift from one generation to the next since the Industrial Revolution, in my opinion.

Ah, interesting.

I mean, it's, I think we get, so we're actually, the plot twist there is that we actually are millennials.

Right.

So I wanted you to say something really bad, but you didn't.

But I agree with you.

It's very hard for, I feel like we get a bad rap for the most part.

Yeah, I don't think it's necessarily bad.

It's just different.

You guys grew up.

I took typing in high school.

And now typing for you guys, I mean, it's like reading your ABCs.

You guys are so much more tech savvy than we are.

It's just unbelievable.

But

I don't have a bad opinion of millennials.

It's just a different world you grew up in.

Yeah.

What about Fortnite?

You had someone who was addicted to Fortnite on your show?

Yeah.

How'd that go?

Well, you know, actually, there is a lot of research that suggests that the pleasure centers light up and some of the same pathways light up from

video game addiction as light up from other types of addiction.

That you really can get so involved.

and so dependent on playing some of these games that it can be very painful to stop.

Yeah.

I mean, I know a lot of people that are addicted to their phones.

Yeah.

Because in general, how do you break addiction?

Because right now, I'm afraid to look at that little thing on my iPhone that tells me how much screen time I've had in a given day.

Mine's like eight hours.

I will not watch it.

I found that.

Yeah,

it's average per day.

It's scary.

Yeah, it is scary.

How do you break that addiction?

Well, you know,

that's a myth.

People think you break habits.

You don't break habits.

What you do is replace one behavior with a different behavior.

So start smoking.

Yeah, you start smoking or gambling, something like that.

It'll get you off your phone because you can't use your phone at the gambling table.

That's a great point.

That's a way to get off your phone.

That's right.

They pay you the big book.

Good advice, man.

That's right.

I had a tweet I wanted to throw out there just because we were coming clean.

This is, you know,

client, what is it, doctor-patient confidentiality

between us right now?

There is no such relationship between us.

Right now, nope, I said it.

I declared it, so it is.

I wrote in 2014, Dr.

Phil on Sports Center talking about Cleveland's love-hate relationship with LeBron.

I'll just put my head in the oven instead.

I don't know if that was about you or LeBron, but I wanted to just get it out there.

So, what did you, you wrote that?

I wrote that.

What did you mean?

I don't know.

I don't know if it's because I hate LeBron or I hated you at the time.

I have no idea.

But I thought it needed to be addressed.

Do you like Cleveland?

No.

Do you like LeBron?

No.

Do you like me?

Yeah.

Okay.

You must have been talking about LeBron then.

Okay, I guess I was.

Don't you think they had a love-hate relationship with him?

Yeah, so explain that.

You loved him.

Explain explained that he was.

And then when he leaves, I mean, they just, they hate him because

the number one need in all people is acceptance.

Number one fear is rejection.

He rejected the cities and I'm out of here.

So they all felt rejected.

We're not good enough.

You're leaving us.

So that hurts.

So they really had a love-hate relationship with him.

That's very interesting.

Because they all felt a connection to him.

Yeah.

So he comes back and you think the whole city is like,

I don't know if I'm ready to love again.

Like a little skeptical.

Your dad comes back in after spending two years down in Miami getting cigarettes.

And now he's out here in L.A.

Yeah, you love him?

You know, I don't know why he came here.

I don't know why they moved all that money.

Movies.

Maybe so.

Yeah, there's a lot.

I mean, it's a bigger commercial market, right?

La La Land.

Yeah, so you can get a lot of it, more endorsements.

Yeah, Tinsel Town.

He's got a good job to the boo.

He's got the biggest endorsement deals probably you can ever get, but he's in a bigger market.

So, yeah, probably more entertainment, I guess.

We talk a lot about the clutch gene on our show, but I think what it is really is mental toughness, right?

Can you build mental toughness in a person that doesn't happen already?

Sure.

How do you do that?

Well, it's a matter of somebody observing themselves perform under pressure.

And so they attribute to themselves the ability to perform under pressure.

You only do...

We form our self-image by watching ourselves do what we do.

So if you see yourself fold under pressure, then you attribute to yourself, I fold under pressure.

But if you see yourself take the shot and make it, you go, hey, I held up under pressure.

You see yourself make that critical pass under pressure.

You say, when it got down to it, I stayed cool.

I executed.

I'm a clutch player.

You only know that by observing yourself do it.

That's how we form our self-image.

We make self-attributions based on self-observation.

Something related.

Do they serve ice cream on your private plane?

No.

Really?

No.

Why?

Because there's no freezer.

Oh, why not?

But they don't.

What kind of cut-rate private plane is that?

Come on, Dr.

Phil.

There's no freezer.

You're not an ice cream guy?

No.

Well, I love ice cream.

Yeah?

Yeah.

So let's get it on the private plane.

A-Rod's got it on his private plane.

What's the point of having a private plane without ice cream?

That is pretty punk, isn't it?

Right.

I'll have to look into that.

Right.

Like, I just want to eat ice cream on my private plane.

I'm a PJ.

You should do that.

I don't have a private plane plane.

Can I do it on yours?

Problem-solved.

Yeah.

Okay.

I'll even look at

the pilots for you.

Okay.

Yeah.

He'll be your pilot eyeball guy.

Yeah.

Yes.

Yes.

I know them very well.

Yes, man.

Okay, fine.

So, can you do us a favor?

We have a running bit.

It's called Big Ben's Walking Boot.

Ben Rothesburg, you always get hurt.

And your voice sounds very similar to what we use for the voice for a walking boot.

Really?

Yeah.

It's like a, oh, Ben.

I suspect you tell that to everybody.

No, no, no.

Hey, Ben.

Oh, Ben.

Your touch sees are looking mighty cold.

Just smuggle up

this boot.

So can you just say, hey, Ben?

Do you want to put this boot on?

Hey, Ben, you want to put this boot on?

Yeah, that's exactly right.

That's it.

That's it.

That's perfect.

That's Big Ben's walking boot.

There you go.

And scene.

That was great.

You nailed that.

How much, serious question, would you attribute your success to your voice?

Because it's very smoothing, soothing, and smooth.

Really?

Yes.

I would think people wouldn't find that to be the case.

No, it's comforting.

But I tell you what, it is different than most people on television, right?

Right.

And I look different.

In Hollywood, everybody looks like Johnny Depp or something, right?

Nobody looks like this.

I've seen better heads on a nickel beer.

This is, I mean, nobody looks like this on TV, right?

Tony Kornheiser.

Yeah.

Yeah.

I mean, at least it's distinct.

Joe Flavi.

Larry David.

Right?

Dr.

Phil.

Dr.

Phil.

I read an article that said.

I read an article that said 78% of men would rather amputate a part of their body than be bald.

Yeah, I'd agree with that.

It depends on which part.

Well, is it a question?

Well,

it's tough to ask me.

Well, no, it's tough to ask me because I actually gambled, made a bet last year that I'd cut off my pinky if the Texans won the Super Bowl.

So I would very much give away the tip of my pinky.

Would you cut off your little toe rather than be bald?

100%.

Not even a question.

You wouldn't even think about it.

Are you serious right now?

Yeah.

See,

listen, the little toe doesn't do anything.

I'm going to teach you a lesson, Dr.

Full.

You ready for this?

I'm ready.

I'm away.

You are fabulously successful, insanely wealthy.

How do you know that?

Well, we're sitting in your house, and it's very big.

But insanely wealthy, very successful.

Top of your profession.

Me sitting here, I can always be like, but I'm not bald.

Yeah.

So that's like, that's the only way a hater like me can get one over.

Right.

So that's where, that's where it comes in.

That's the psyche of it, you know?

Yeah.

But I decided a long time ago, you have to embrace weaknesses, I guess.

So I decided to make it a trademark.

You got me there.

Well, actually, we got me there.

Make it a trademark.

Yeah.

I mean, the first book I wrote, Oprah said, you'll find it.

It's got his big old bald head right there on the front of it.

I thought, well, what the hell?

That's me.

Yeah.

So I just embrace it.

So I'll put my big old bald head on every book.

Yeah, no, that's true.

Trademark is big.

Scott Van Pelt, he's bald.

Good point.

Did you see so many people?

Yep.

He's all successful, successful, though.

He might go bald.

That's the key to success.

Maybe that's the deal.

Just go bald.

Okay, I retract my pinky toe offer.

I would take my pinky toe back and go bald.

What about a toupee?

You ever thought about it?

Never.

Just for a day?

Never.

You shaved the mustache.

What was up with that?

Well, Oprah shaved it.

Yeah.

What was the story behind that?

We were at Radio City Music Hall, and she just wanted to shave it off.

And you said, okay.

Oprah's still the boss?

Hell yes.

Yeah.

You want to shave it off?

Okay.

Yeah.

So is there that dynamic?

It It was just a goof.

It was a lot of fun.

A goof, but is there that dynamic?

Because obviously Oprah helped you get your start.

Is there that dynamic that she's kind of always,

not the boss, but seen in that light?

She did not help me get my start.

Okay.

There would be no Dr.

Phil without Oprah.

She didn't help me get my start.

She gave you your start.

She created me.

Yes.

She created my start.

Absolutely.

100%.

There would be no Dr.

Phil without Oprah.

Right.

And she's one of my best friends in the world.

We've been friends for 25 years.

We knew each other for several years before I was ever on her show.

So do you, you brought up your voice earlier.

Do you actually do any training to keep that Texas accent?

Do you go spend time in Texas?

Do you watch Dallas reruns?

No, I'm actually this country.

Yeah.

Is that far anyway?

I was in Texas and Arkansas Monday and Tuesday of this week.

You don't have to go back very often for it to just stay in full bloom, trust me.

Yeah, because you should keep that.

The second Dr.

Phil walks out on stage, like, sad, dude, so let me know what you're all bummed out about today.

That's when I'm changing the channel.

Yeah, my, my, uh,

my, my son was in Arkansas a few weeks ago, and he called an Uber driver, and it was a taxi that had scraped taxi off the side.

And he got in, and the guy said,

You want cold beer?

There you go.

He said,

What?

He said, You want cold beer?

I'm having one.

And he said, Really?

He said, Yeah, we DSR here.

He said, What do you mean?

He said, We do shit right.

There you go.

So that's my people.

Put that in your book.

That's my people.

Do shit right is a great title for your next book.

Yes.

Do shit right.

D.I.

Eating ice cream on a private plane.

That's right.

Oh, go ahead, PFT.

I was just going to say, what's up with MK Ultra?

The what?

MK Ultra.

Are you familiar?

Nope.

So back in like the 70s, a bunch of psychiatrists and psychologists, they were working for the CIA.

They dosed people with LSD.

Mm-hmm.

And then they brainwashed them.

Would you like to apologize?

Yes.

On behalf of the profession, that was a real chicken shit thing to do.

Yeah, it was

fuck.

I would have been part of that.

Yeah, that would have been cool.

Yeah, no, that's not that's not good.

Yeah, um, so we in our line of work, we get a lot of cease and desists, lawsuits, whatever.

You've been in litigation before.

How do you fight off the haters like that?

When you get a like a cease and desist, do you just throw it in the trash like we do?

Uh, you know,

people bark, let them bark.

You know,

you got to tell the truth as you see it.

And I'm not one to disparage others.

I just don't really do it.

I tell the truth as I see it.

If that steps on people's toes, I'm sorry.

But I'm not someone to single somebody out and disparage them.

That's just not what I do.

It's not my personality.

I'll talk about issues.

I'll talk about my beliefs or opinions.

But I don't usually attack an individual.

Okay.

Have you ever attacked an individual?

I actually don't know the answer.

Have you ever been in a fight?

I'm actually thinking.

I have no idea the answer.

No, not publicly.

No, I don't do that.

I mean, I don't go on the air and say, so-and-so is a jerk.

Fuck this guy.

No, I don't do that.

Right.

When was the last time you got in a fight?

Oh, gosh.

That had been probably in college football.

Oh, it's been a while, huh?

You think you'd still scrap?

Oh, yeah.

I mean, I moved like a cat.

That's the last question we were going to ask.

Garfield.

Yeah, There we go.

Zanya.

Yeah.

I hate Mondays.

Yes, that's perfect.

I think we're here on a Wednesday.

That's perfect.

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Can you give us just like some tips or life strategy?

You have a book called Life Strategies.

Can you dumb it down for dumb guys like us?

Just be like, hey, here's the key to happiness.

Money.

Power.

Range Rovers.

Being taller than you are.

Yeah, video games.

Ice cream on private jets.

Getting stronger.

Do you want us to write a book for you?

I think you pretty much covered the list.

I think you've got it.

Not being happy with your money, so you need more money.

Being able to bench a shitload of weight.

Yeah.

My advice, seriously, is if you want to get ahead in this world, figure out why people do what they do and don't do what they don't do.

If you figure that out, you got an edge on the world.

Think about that.

If you figure out why people do what they do and don't do what they don't do, then you understand the dynamics of life.

That makes a huge difference.

I've been focused on that since I was 12 years old.

That's fascinating.

Everybody in this van, when you said that, all did the same thing, by the way.

We all looked up, trying to think of what they don't do, what they don't do.

Now I think I got it, and I think I know why I don't do what I don't do.

Don't do.

And now that I've conquered that, I can conquer anything.

I don't smoke weed on Sundays.

Why not?

Because we have to work.

Yeah.

I don't drink on Saturday nights.

Well, that's a lie.

I have to work on Sundays.

That's a lie.

I don't drink as much on Saturday nights as I do on Friday nights.

I started to say, I was going to have totally bullshit flags.

Yeah, yeah, no, no.

I was thinking, I'm not believing that.

I'm not a good lie detector.

You've been lied to before.

I'm not believing this.

I don't do things I don't want to do.

Yeah.

I don't believe that either.

Yeah, no, that's what you do.

You're married.

I always do stuff that I have to do.

You've got a baby on the way, so I don't believe that.

You always got to do stuff that I want to do.

I have one last question for you.

You've already asked your last question.

No, he asked his last question.

So this is what's great about having two people interviewing.

You get always unlimited last questions.

It always goes.

How come reverse psychology never works?

It does work.

Gotcha.

Damn.

Boom.

Wow.

You just got Dr.

Phil.

You just got Dr.

Phil.

You just got Dr.

Phil.

I was softening you up for that first.

That was easy.

Dr.

Phil, that was easy.

That was really easy.

Can you answer Adderall?

Each get a last question.

Yeah, you regret the fact that we both get last questions.

I think both of you are on Adderall.

And I seriously doubt that you have prescription scores.

Fuck.

no comments.

If you do, you should not have prescription scores.

Okay,

you think our minds work too fast.

Yeah.

Yeah, no, this is, it's kind of scary.

I think you're overspeeding the computer here.

When we get cooking, this is not out.

This is biker crank right here.

This is just, this is good old-fashioned three hours of sleep, baby.

I do want to apologize for something because I was scheduled to do this in New York, and I got stuck in ridiculous traffic.

And so I showed up late.

So I said, I will, you said you were coming to L.A.

and I said, I'll do it when we're in L.A.

And you're making

it.

No, I don't say something, but I'm not going to do it.

Yeah.

So I apologize that I wasn't there on time, and I appreciate you guys coming here instead.

And how much do you wish that we didn't reschedule?

How much do you wish you had just never said it?

Because we just embodied you at the end.

I was glad.

I was glad that you came.

And I think this is very inventive that you do this in the van.

Yeah, thank you.

Are you going to spiral after this?

Like, is this going to be a...

Do we need to

help you out here?

Are you happy?

I think I'll muddle through.

Are you sure you're happy?

I think I'll muddle through.

That's your sixth last question.

Yeah, like imagine if we get a story tomorrow.

Dr.

Phil spirals because he got bodied in the back of a van by two idiots.

Yeah.

And then how are you going to feel?

You're going to be going, yeah.

Oh, yeah.

Oh, yeah.

Oh, yeah.

We will fit like that.

Oh, we will take so much credit ass.

Oh, in the back of a van.

You better believe it.

You think that 100 to 6 lost no strutting around?

You know the type of guys we are.

Yeah.

You know this, Dr.

Phil.

Where do I send the cease and desist letters?

I'm going to throw it away.

Directly to the trash.

Special five round phone.

Put out the middleman.

Yeah, exactly.

Do you want to plug your podcast one last time?

No, you don't want any of our listeners.

No.

Oh, you guys can plug it for me sometime.

Dr.

Philip.

Thanks.

You've got multiple.

I've got Fill in the Blanks, which is an interview.

That's fucking smart.

And then I got

a bunch of people.

Yeah, my son did that.

And then I've got Dr.

Phil Analysis of Murder.

Oh, and

Analysis of Murder by Dr.

Phil.

We're looking inside the heads of murderers.

Do you remember when you did this GIF?

This.

You remember that one?

No.

You got.

Here, I'll show it to you.

It's the best gift of all time.

Yeah.

No service.

No service?

No, that's just

smart because then he knows we can never get that gift.

You can never get the gift.

No one in your house can ever get the gift because you have no service.

You got jamming service out here?

Yeah.

Jamming software?

Yeah.

Does Dr.

Phil get serious?

You know which one it is.

You know which one I'm talking about.

You know which one it is.

You guys will never get out of here alone.

You know which one it is.

Here, I'll do it again.

It's what you're going to do right after this interview.

Does anybody have service?

It's what I'm doing inside now.

Screaming for help.

I'll look it up later.

I'll probably get it.

Okay.

That's a great gift.

All right, Dr.

Phil, thank you so much.

Last question.

No, just kidding.

Appreciate it.

All right, guys.

See you later.

Thank you.

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And now for something completely different.

Okay, we now welcome on quarterback, backup quarterback for the Indianapolis Cults, also Super Bowl champion, Jacoby Brissette, and most importantly, Jacoby, we're going to talk about football, but I think the thing that everyone has in their mind right now is

what's going on with your Twitter account right now.

We've got to go through these questions first.

I think my Twitter was hacked.

That's where all these questions are coming from.

I guess that's what everybody blames it on.

It was hacked by Kyrie Irving.

Yeah.

What's going on already?

Yeah, so

let's start there.

We do want to talk a little football, but your Twitter questions have been electric recently.

Have you gotten answers today?

I'm going to read a couple of them out loud, and we can dive into anyone you want, but like, sitting here, what shape is the sky?

Whoa.

Yeah,

that's funny.

One of my, so I'm in this group chat.

It's called the Finer Things Club, so I have to shout them out.

It's three other dudes.

One name's Jack, Josh, and Travis.

And we just bounce these dumbass ideas off each other's head.

And, you know, Josh texted me that this morning, and I was sitting there thinking about it and I just asked well, do you have an answer?

Like I was just thinking about that earlier too like the sky just takes up whatever enclosure that it's in right?

It's like a gas.

Is it a circle?

I don't know.

Yeah, I still I still have yet to get an answer.

Everybody keeps saying it's flat or

it's

the sky is flat.

I like that.

The earth's not flat.

The sky is.

The sky is flat.

What about you you asked the question.

This is how we you came across our radar.

We've been asking this question a lot the last couple years.

If the sun is hot, how is outer space cold?

Have you got an answer to that?

Yeah, so NASA reached out to me and gave me some very elaborate answer that left me even more confused, but it kind of clarified it a little bit.

The answer didn't justify me, so I still oppose that question.

You know, most of the answers I get is me getting a drug test and

getting ready to get a randomly drug test.

I'm like, well,

y'all have given me enough time to prepare, so I should be good.

I mean,

that's kind of what NASA does.

They answer your question by making you more confused.

That's their strategy.

They're like, hey, don't ask all these hard questions.

Instead, put on this really stylish shirt that says NASA on it and just believe everything that we tell you.

Yeah.

It's not always the case.

So, like, some people say space is a vacuum, right?

Well, if space is a vacuum, I think you actually brought this point up.

I've never put my hand inside of a vacuum.

I don't know what it feels like in in there.

Exactly.

I put other parts of my body in a vacuum.

Yeah.

Yeah.

I ain't going that far.

What about

which part of the pig's skin is actually a football?

That one gave me a big-time whoa.

Yeah.

So

Wilson Football reached out to me about that.

And they kind of,

they

explained that it was never pig skin, it was cow skin.

Because I went and I asked, and I said, so where'd the stand, let's toss the pig skin come from?

And it was actually cow skin.

So I said, so now I was thinking to myself, now I should just go around and just start saying, like, let's go toss the cow skin around.

But it's not made out of cow skin anymore.

So it was another elaborate answer.

That's so weird.

I don't know why they called it pig skin then.

That's kind of bullshit to me.

Yeah, I think a lot of the answers are bullshit.

Well, how about this one?

This is one that we've been debating on the show.

I think we've been in constant debate on this show for the last three years about this one.

Does a straw have one hole or two?

So I was going to ask that question this morning, but my club, one of my club members, told me that I shouldn't,

but

I have yet to know that answer.

I would go two,

but he told me that it was an easy answer, so

I didn't ask the question, but I would say two holes.

Wait, why is your club trying to silence you?

I think you need.

Are you woke about your club stopping you from asking the hard questions?

No,

I give them a lot a lot more respect than I should is what you're saying.

But

if they can answer the questions, then I kind of don't answer them.

I don't ask them because they're kind of, I'm kind of the smartest person in that group.

So therefore

they should be able to answer the question.

Have you asked any of these questions to your buddy Andrew Luck?

I feel like Jim Ursa would have some interesting perspective on some of these questions.

No,

Andrew doesn't have Twitter, so I doubt he probably sees it, but I'm going to have to give him a call and see what he'll give me some historic background on all of these topics.

So I have to block off like four hours of my day.

Are you in Andrew Luck's book club?

Hell no.

Yeah, okay.

Do you want to be in Blake Bortles' Wikipedia Club?

Even more, hell no.

What?

Wait, you didn't even let me explain it.

All we do is we look up two random Wikipedia pages once a month, and Blake Bortles calls in and we talk about them.

Yeah, I'm going to have to pass on that.

That's that's I'd much rather read an actual Wikipedia just isn't.

I'd much rather watch, I meant uh read off Axe Jeeves than Wikipedia.

And Ask Jeeves Club.

And Jacoby Brissette Ask Jeeves Club.

We can do something.

If we can start that back up, then I'm all for that.

But wait, let me ask you that.

Ask Jeeves is around.

Wow, you're going to bring Ask Jeeves back from the dead.

Ask Jeeves.

I'm trying to.

You can't quote Google anymore, so you got to go XG's.

I never got a bad grade on my paper from XG's.

I just typed in askjeeves.com.

It took me to ask, so I could ask, let me ask Jeeves real quick.

What shape is the sky, Jeeves?

And it says,

oh, it's just like a Google search.

But it takes me to some real woke YouTube videos, so I might have to check those out later.

See, the government's probably hacked XG's, though.

You can't really.

You gotta be careful what you search these days.

Yeah, I like that.

So I was just checking out the new Madden ratings today.

Have you looked at your own rating yet?

No, but actually, my brother just sent it to me like five minutes ago.

Yeah.

I think it's fucked up.

They only have you, your awareness is only a 74.

But the fact that you're asking me bullshit myself.

Yeah, you're asking these tough questions.

I feel like they're really underselling.

You should be like at least in the 80s on awareness.

You're 71 overall.

My thing is, who's giving these ratings out from Madden?

Like, that's the real question I should ask tomorrow.

Yes.

I think it's bullshit.

I'm sure.

I'm sure.

I thought it was just Madden.

It's just John Madden.

John Madden tapes.

He just throws the numbers out there.

He doesn't know me.

Well, he's probably watched your tape.

That is true.

That is true.

We probably have a couple people that work on the Madden franchise that listen to the show.

If you're listening right now, please explain to me how Jacoby Brissett's awareness is only a 74.

We'll get that up to 200.

But

they gave me a 79 speed, which is a total lie because I ain't that fast.

So I'll take that.

Tell him to keep the speed up.

Okay.

Do you swear in front of Andrew Luck?

I think I swear in front of everybody.

It's a

bad trade.

I'm trying to change it.

Y'all aren't helping, though.

Does Andrew Luck swear in front of you?

Because he doesn't.

The mic'd-up Andrew Lucks are always the funniest

when he pats people on the back and says, good job, nice sack.

And he's overly, overly nice.

Is he putting on an act or is that just how he is?

No, he is kind of dorky like that.

I mean, he has his moments where he kind of spazzes a little bit, but for the most part, he's actually like that dorky.

Yeah.

So

it's kind of not fake.

I like that.

What is so?

You get to go on

one of the coolest, I would say, guy trips every year with Tom Brady when he takes all those guys to the Kentucky Derby.

What is that trip like?

You guys all hop into a private plane together and go to the Kentucky Derby?

Well, we all meet each other there.

The first year we did,

what was it, my rookie year, and then last year, because I was in Indy, and

they were in Boston.

So I drove up because it's like a two-hour drive from me.

So I drove up.

But

it's a great trip.

You don't remember it.

You just go back to your text messages and see what the hell everybody was saying.

But it's a great trip.

Did you win any money on the horses this year?

This year, no.

I think everybody in our group probably lost besides Matt Castle.

Yeah, and Dan.

But the year before, I won, so I was kind of like ready to bet everything thinking that I was going to do the same thing again, and Dan, I left empty-handed.

So, this,

don't take offense for Andrew Luck in this question, but I have to ask, you come in.

I probably won't.

You come in the game for Hail Marys.

Does Andrew ever look at you like, man, you're kind of the alpha of that relationship if it's strictly a throwing the ball the farthest thing?

Does he take any offense to that the fact that you get called in to throw the ball

60 yards down the field no that was just one time uh but i i still consider myself the alpha in a group yes but uh yeah that was that was just one time and uh you know it was so crazy because he was just like cool with it and i was just like wait what the hell just happened because it happened out of nowhere i kind of knew it was gonna happen like probably like the series before because they said for me to help marry i'll go in and throw and then you know andrew was like all right cool I was like, you sure?

And then it was just one play.

So, but he made sure that I never did it again.

So

I guess he kind of took control of that.

How far can you throw a football?

Last time I thrown it, like, completely, I was probably 75.

That's pretty far.

Did you see Odell Beckham?

He threw the ball like 90 yards.

Yeah, I kind of questioned what size ball that was, though.

Okay.

Question everything.

Okay.

I mean, mean, listen,

I'm not doubting his athletic ability, but

that looked far as hell.

Yeah.

If he can do that, then he should probably switch positions and get another 100 mil.

Yeah.

Did you hear what Mike Vrabel said about winning a Super Bowl, that he would cut his own penis off for it?

Yeah, that was actually pretty funny.

He probably would, though.

You should hold him to that.

I hope every team just loses so they can win.

No, I'm rooting for the Titans to win the Super Bowl now because he'll have to cut it off.

Have you asked, would you ask Coach about that?

To cut his dick off?

Yeah.

I wouldn't ask any dude anything about his

penis nor will I tell him to do that if we win.

That's a little too far.

We learned that with Doug Marone.

You can talk about it in your own dick cutting it off for Super Bowl, but never talk about another man's penis and cutting that off for the Super Bowl.

Yeah, and I don't think it's really worth it, to be honest with you.

Like, I mean,

kids, Super Bowl I mean yeah

which one's more important that's true um when you were traded from the Patriots to the Colts did Belichick sit you down and tell you why or anything

uh

yeah he said because at the time Julian had got hurt and it was we're looking for a receiver and that was pretty much it and he I was just froze sitting in front of him I wasn't talking.

He wasn't talking after he told me why, so I just got up and left.

Wait that's it?

You still haven't talked to him since then?

No, I saw him at the Derby.

So it was all good.

That's like you guys just ended the conversation and walked out.

Well, yeah, he was just like, all right, good luck.

You know, I was like, all right, I guess.

I don't know what the hell is going on right now.

And then I had to get on the flight and go to Indy.

I love it.

I love it.

All right.

My last question.

Because you are a very curious guy, do you have any questions for us?

Questions for you guys.

Well, are y'all going to give me answers or tell me that I just need to get drug tested?

Probably the latter.

Yeah, give it a shot.

Listen, I'm not a drug guy, but I'm not going to cast aspersions on you if you are.

All right, so I have

a couple that I have.

I got all of my thoughts and my notes on my phone.

So if 2% milk is 2%, what's the other 90%, 98% of it?

Paint.

That's a good question.

That I don't know.

Hank, you know?

Chocolate?

Butter.

Oh, butter.

Butter.

Okay.

Butter.

There you go.

That was our our producer, Hank.

He just answered that one for you.

Next question.

Gosh, all right.

Yeah.

Who was the translator between Caveman and the language that we speak now?

The Rosetta Stone.

Ooh.

Yeah.

Dude, we had a guy on the podcast who created the Game of Thrones language.

He literally just created it out of thin air.

So we're pretty much just talking gibberish, is what you're saying.

Yeah, to other people, yeah, for sure.

Yeah, it's just our special kind of gibberish that we agree that would make sense to us.

It'll fuck your mind up if you think about it too.

Yeah, it was like, everyone, be cool.

Just go along with it.

I hear you.

All right.

My last question, and I'll let y'all answer this one.

This Area 51 shit.

Yeah.

What's y'all take on that?

Well, we went into it

on Monday's podcast, but we think it's a setup.

We think it's a setup.

We don't know who's setting up who.

So it's either a setup by the government to get the crazy crazy people offline or it's a setup by the aliens to get rid of all the people who believe in aliens

i think y'all need to be drug tested

all right jacoby brissette thanks man we're gonna start the ass jeeves club so uh you're gonna have to you're gonna have to call back in when we do our ass jeeves club all right

Perfect, man.

Thanks for having me.

All right.

Thanks, man.

That interview with Jacoby Brissette was brought to you by Rough and Rowdy 9.

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Okay, let's get to some segments.

First up, we have Bachelorette Talk for guys that don't watch The Bachelorette, but Hank watched The Bachelorette.

It was Fantasy Sweet.

Okay, you gotta watch that.

You had to watch it.

Yep.

Okay, you get a pass.

This is why we watch.

Yeah, this is why we watch.

Basically, like watching porn.

Sky stuff.

Yeah,

it was electric.

It was a great night of TV.

It's like softcore porn.

Yeah, Mike, you know, you make your predictions before you're like, it was four people going in because Hannah pulled an unprecedented move of bringing four instead of three.

She was just like, I want four guys.

Yep.

The first guy, Pilot Pete, he got it in the windmill.

What do you mean?

What does that mean?

That's where the fantasy suite was, was in a windmill.

Inside the window.

Inside a windmill.

Like Don Quixote.

So they went on a date.

I thought you were talking about mini golf here.

No, no, no.

They went on a date.

You know, he confessed his love, all that shit, and then they went in a windmill and did it twice.

Banged?

Twice?

Yeah.

Yeah.

Pilot Pete, save some for the rest of the day.

They made sure to note that twice.

How romantic is that, though, if you're inside a windmill and you just know that all these birds are dying outside from all the blades knocking them down, they also cause cancer, right?

True, that is true.

Yeah, not a great place for it, anyways.

Go ahead.

Congratulations on nutting twice, pilot people.

Yeah, sorry that you nutted so fast the first time.

Uh-huh.

And then Tyler C, who's like the heartthrob of the season.

Yep, of course.

You don't tell us that.

Yeah, they were doing like a little massage session.

He kicked out the masuses and started doing it himself.

Started making out, getting hot and heavy.

But then Hannah was like, you know, our relationship's too physical.

I like you a lot physically, but I don't, you know, I don't want to go in the fantasy suite because that's all our relationship is.

And he was like, that's fine.

I respect you.

I hate you as a person, essentially.

Yeah, but he was like, but he, he, you know, he, he, he was like, I respect you, whatever.

I just want to sleep with you and talk all night, blah, blah, blah.

So then the next morning, she was like, yeah, you know, great night.

Like, we didn't do anything, but like, he, he was very respectful.

Wow.

So that was an upset.

That was a big time upset.

I'm calling bullshit on that because if a girl says, like, I love you physically,

but then I don't want to be physical with you, that is, that just doesn't make any sense at all.

No, he just, she just hates him as a person.

And then Jed spent basically

his entire date.

Tennessee Jed.

Is he?

Yeah, Tennessee Jed.

He spent the entire date shitting on Luke P.

Like the entire time was just like, I can't believe you're still talking about Luke P, blah, blah, blah, blah.

I thought you were meaning like literally in the fantasy suite.

There's like Cincinnati Steamer on it.

No, some real.

It's like a date.

They go on a date, and then she pulls out the card and she's like, do I want you?

She makes a choice of whether or not to go to the fantasy suite.

Oh.

So on the date, she was shitting on Luke P the whole time.

It didn't seem like it was going good.

But at the very end, he somehow slid his way into that fantasy suite.

And got it on?

And got it on.

Fuck yeah.

Jumping back to the massage thing real quick, that would actually piss off a lot of girls if she was getting a massage from a professional and you're like, hey, get out of here so I can take over.

Yeah.

You haven't seen Tyler C, though.

Yeah, you have to.

I haven't.

What's he like?

He manrocket.

Manrocket?

Man rocket.

He's not manrocket.

All right, last Luke P?

Luke P then tried to slut shame Hannah P.

Was like, yeah, you probably, like, because he's a religious guy.

And he was like, I'm going to be, he's like, let's talk about sex.

I'm going to be a virgin until we're we're married.

Like, you probably had sex this week.

And she was like, what the fuck?

Fuck you, Luke Pete.

He just got absolutely shit on.

She made him leave.

Like, basically, was like, get the fuck out of here.

I hate you.

Like, I don't want to talk to you, blah, blah, blah.

And he was like, go, girl.

He did the thing where he, like, wanted to talk, but she was like, I, I have nothing else.

Like, he's like, can I talk?

She was like, no.

No.

But he wouldn't get up and leave.

Oh.

Bad move.

Fuck that.

And then his final move before he got in the car was, can I pray over you?

And she was like, no.

Yes.

Gonna pray on it.

It's a good move.

Bless your heart.

It always fucks P.

He's like, I'm sorry, can I please just pray on you?

She's like, No, get the fuck out of here.

She wouldn't even let him pray.

Well, guess what?

You can, you don't need somebody's permission to pray for him, right?

It's true.

Well, no, if you want to pray on them, pray on them.

Oh, he was saying P-R-E-Y, not P-R-A.

He wanted to pray on it, he wanted to creep around outside of it.

Yeah,

a little, a little, so she went two for four.

A little fun nugget for you guys.

I know, you know, you're very invested in the season,

but it's come out, it's been leaked that both Pete and Jed have had girlfriends for like the entire season.

Oh, so the two guys are like, Is that cheating?

Yeah, no, not if it's on TV.

I don't think so.

Well, Jed was cheating.

Not if it's in a windmill.

Jed is the guitar player, so he told his girlfriend, he's like, oh, I'm going to go try and make it famous.

And now he's

in the final two.

Smart.

But I heard Luke P.

Didn't I see some tweets that Luke P might come back?

He was in the next week on.

There's no way.

Luke P is done.

There are a few places where

cheating is not cheating.

I would say a windmill.

Pretty much anything that is on a mini golf course, like a clown's head.

If you fuck inside of a clown's head, that's fair play.

The first night of Real World, when everyone's like, yeah, I'm here, but I have a boyfriend or girlfriend back home, they get so drunk, yeah, and then and then they end up like marrying the person.

Well, so just if you're drunk, if you're drunk, it doesn't count, correct, correct, not cheating.

So, Luke, Luke P?

No,

Tennessee Jet as jetted Pete and Tyler.

Got it.

All right, who you guys are?

Also, if you guys got if you're an SEC football coach in the back of a motorcycle, that's fine too.

Also, you can just get rehired.

Yes, absolutely.

PFT?

Uh, I'm gonna go with uh, yeah, uh, who's the Man Rocket?

Tyler, but he didn't fuck.

Yeah, it's fine.

He's just saving up for later.

Got it.

Good.

Yeah, if you're not.

The good thing about not fucking is you can't be accused of being bad at fucking.

Yeah, exactly.

She'll be less able to compare him to the other guys that she fucked if there's a little bit of distance in between that.

That's smart.

That's a smart move.

All right.

Let's do thoughts and prayers for Big Baller Brand.

Yeah.

So what happened?

They are selling their shirts that used to be $50 for $5 now.

So I'm not a math guy, but I think that's 90% reduction.

I I never ever saw this coming.

It sucks.

It's like, you know, you think that the United States is a good place for businesses and for big ballers.

Well, not with all this regulation because something, I don't know what the problem was, the big baller brand, because the business plan was solid.

They had great spokespeople getting free advertisement all the time.

And now they're just relegated to the discount racket Kohl's.

Yeah, damn.

Never, never saw this coming.

The rise and fall of big baller brand.

Can't wait for the 30 for 30 on this one.

Woo!

It's going to be a short, but

I can't wait for it.

It's going to be like one of those 90-second ones that they play in between a rerun of the OJ one.

Yeah, basically, once LeVar Ball realized that only one of his sons was good at basketball, then that's what I'm saying.

That went still out.

Yeah, yeah, exactly.

All right.

Take Quake before we get to guys on chicks.

PFT, let's do yours because yours is actually way better than mine.

Okay, this comes to us courtesy of Twitter user Lady Pale Rider.

Cool name.

She says: unpopular opinion: white people love dogs so much because deep down they miss owning slaves.

They love the owner and master dynamic, desperate for something to control.

That is heavy.

Yeah, that's very, very heavy.

Now, very heavy.

I'll say this.

I don't really control my dog.

I actually control his opposite.

Stella does

whatever the fuck she wants.

Leroy is way, way more in control of this relationship.

Yes.

Power dynamic.

Yeah.

Stella does literally whatever she wants, whenever she wants.

He could kill me if he wanted to at any given second.

And he's true.

And he doesn't because he loves me.

Think about it.

I actually am a servant to Stella because every day I wake up and I give her food at the exact same time.

And then she goes back in bed and hangs out all day.

And then I come home and I give her food again.

That's right.

Do dogs love being pets so much?

Waited on because they miss owning slaves?

Yes.

They have just butlers that follow them around.

Yeah.

I pick up my dog's shit.

Yeah.

Good point.

Good point.

I throw a tennis ball for her.

She never gets it.

We're getting very mad about this.

All right.

Yeah.

That was a good take-quick, though.

That was shit.

All-time.

You got to really dig deep.

You got to get deep in it.

You got to be someone

who can't be bothered with Madden ratings.

As a white guy, I love owning dogs so much because they just love me.

Right.

And I just, I need to be loved.

And boops.

And boops.

And boops.

You forget about the boops.

Boops.

All right, guys on chicks to wrap up Wednesday.

Dearest cat daddy Hank and PFT.

My boyfriend is atrocious at driving.

He constantly zones out, misses turns, and slams on his brakes at the last second.

He also doesn't believe in shortcuts.

What a monster.

I prefer driving the both of us, but sometimes, due to circumstance, he takes over.

How do I tell him he sucks at driving without crushing his ego?

Go, Bills.

You just, I feel like this is just one you got to go down with.

You can't do it.

Yeah.

Yeah.

You got to just

let him be reckless and hope that when he dies, you're not in the car.

At what point do you get worse at driving as you get older?

I think when do you peak?

It's like 65

is when you start being like, I don't need to, I'm going to just go directly into this parking spot without lining it up.

I'm going to drive

only in strip mall parking lots.

Like, you get one.

I remember my grandfather used to just get from point A to point B solely in strip mall parking lots.

You wouldn't go on the road.

That's good.

Yeah.

You stacked up.

You're clear of a lot of stuff.

Yeah, that's when you get old.

One other option, you could just sit in the back seat and yell at him.

You can say whatever you want to the driver if you're in the back seat.

True.

But if if you're side seat, that's when it becomes an issue.

Yeah, sit behind him.

Mm-hmm.

Because drivers will always try to save themselves.

So if you're sitting shotgunned, you're more likely to die.

That's science.

Okay.

Hey, PMT, how long do you have to date someone before you can start wearing your retainers to bed again?

Like, together, you have two retainers?

No, she probably has like a bedtime.

Like, she's probably sleeping with her boyfriend and wants to start wearing her retainer to bed.

I got...

Well, here's the real answer is after you have sex, you can do whatever you want for the rest of the night.

Because

the guy's just going to fall asleep and he won't care what it is you do.

True.

I was going to say.

I thought she was talking about the metaphorically, like, how long in a relationship?

Before you can bust out the retainers and be like, hey, putting on my putting on my head brace here to keep my teeth straight.

Do people actually wear their retainers?

I stopped wearing mine.

I think people do it at night.

Yeah.

I think so.

Just so they don't grind their teeth.

I'm going to say

the

first time he shits around you, like where you can smell that he has taken a shit recently, then you guys are safe.

Yeah.

Or

I mean,

if we're talking about like moving in together, living together,

the second that you start storing feminine products at his house, like some tampons, toothbrush, what have you.

Once you're tampons.

Once you make a little nesting spot for your cotex inside of his medicine cabinet, at that point, you own the house legally.

Toothbrush, all-time feminine product.

Chicks love brushing their cheeks.

Guys, gross.

Couldn't be me.

Mouthwash.

That's all you need.

I just eat, like, I eat another meal.

Trying to get rid of the taste of laughter.

Two little trident.

Boom.

Done.

My boyfriend is a grade A mama's boy to the extreme.

Uh-oh.

He's 22, and his mom still makes him bring his younger sister along whenever he does anything.

And his mom makes

the conversation cut off because I missed the the rest of it.

Fuck.

Okay, well, we'll fill it in.

No, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, get it.

Hold on.

His mom makes his little sister watch when they have sex.

Him and that's fucked up.

I'm going to say that's fucked up.

Listen, I don't care if you're Ted Cruz, what kind of porn you're watching out there.

It's not the place of a little sister to watch you and your mom have sex.

That's between you,

your mom, and your dad.

Yeah,

you have the right now to bring this up and be like, enough is enough.

All right, last one.

Sup, Big Cat PFT, and Grizzly Bear Hank.

Ooh, nice.

Okay.

That's because I can catch fish with my hands.

We can't, yes.

My guy friends at college told me that they had a thing called a penis reveal when they all moved in freshman year.

Is that a real thing?

Never mind dumb for thinking that they did that.

Why did he fucking let this secret out?

No, it's normal, yeah.

I mean,

I thought everybody knew that.

Literally, before we even came up with a name for this podcast, we showed each other's dicks.

You have have to know what you're working with, right?

You have to know exactly what everyone's got.

Yeah, it's actually a lot like a gender reveal.

Right.

You just pop a balloon and there's a picture of your dick inside.

It'd be like not knowing, like, okay, this guy is good with his hands.

This guy is, you know, can dunk.

This guy could do.

You need to know everyone's dick size so that if you ever get in a tricky situation, you know who to call upon.

I think it's weird that women don't show them their each other like their vaginas.

Well, they do.

When they move in at the pillow parts.

Oh, the pillow fights.

Yeah, that's true.

Exactly.

Okay.

See everyone.

Rye.

Love you guys.

I

need

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