The 2019 Takies With Blake Griffin, Brooks Koepka, Blake Bortles, And Many More Celebrities

Hey, Pardon My Take listeners, you can find every episode on Apple Podcasts, Spotify, or YouTube. Prime members can listen ad-free on Amazon Music.
As we progress through the season, every fan knows that big wins are hard to come by and tough losses are even harder to accept. But you know what isn't hard to accept? Discover.
Believe it or not, Discover is accepted at 99% of places that take credit cards nationwide you heard that right 99 so make a good call for your wallet and get discover based on the february 2024 nielsen report learn more at discover.com credit card on today's part in my take the 2019 takeies are here yes it is that time of the year where there are no sports going on so we have our award show the most important award show in all of sports the 2019 takeies we have a ton of awards i think we have 24 awards that we're handing out tonight we have uh rising star of the year we have worst take of the year mike tomlin quote of the year still a live person of the Year. We have Worst Take of the Year, Mike Tomlin Quote of the Year, Still Alive Person of the Year, and of course, Blake of the Year.
So a lot of good, good stuff coming your way. Ever had one of those days when it's just too cold to keep working? Nah, neither has Ariat.
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Okay, let's go. Hang out on Washington, and then I can't blame all on the sun.
Oh, no, we're gonna rock down to Electric Avenue, and then we'll take it higher. Oh, we're gonna rock down to Electric Avenue, and then we'll take it higher.
Part of My Take, presented by Bar School Sports. Welcome to Part of My Take, presented by the Cash App, the first takey winner of this show.
The Cash App, go download it right now, put in code BARSTOL, you get $5 and $5 to ASPCA. Today is Fri-yay, July 12th, and we have the 2019 takeys.
It's just a pleasure to be here. There's been so many great takes that have taken place this year.
So many great Blakes that have existed this year. So many great sports moments, memories, faux pas, Calipari's.
Just a great year for sports in general. Great year for sports, I want to say, because we're being nice to each other this year.
You guys look great. It's a black tie affair.
We're dressed to the nines. You look great, Hank.
You got a great pin. What does that pin say? It says Duke's year.
Oh, okay. That's nice.
This past year or this year? Both. Well, we'll get to it.
It's Schrodinger's year. Yes, exactly.
You nailed it. Schrodinger's year.
All right, we got to do a couple things before we get to the takeies. The first is Mike Vrabel, Coach Vrabel,

who is football guy of the week,

some week that he won, recurring guest,

has one-upped all of our bets.

So whether it be eating horse poop,

whether it be cutting off a finger,

whether it be getting a cat,

Mike Vrabel said that if he wins the Super Bowl,

he'll cut off his dick.

Well, what he said was he would cut off his dick

to win the Super Bowl.

So this is like some alternate universe where some spirit, or or maybe the devil it sounds like a deal with the devil where he pops up through the ground in the middle of broadway in nashville and says coach rabel if you remove your penis i will grant you a super bowl ring and his response was well i've been married for 20 years my wife would probably be psyched so yeah so yeah i'd do it i don need my dick anymore. Also, I think that we were going to get to a point in science in the next 20 years.
Like, we're not going to probably figure out this whole climate change thing. But getting, like, dick replacement surgery, that might have already happened.
Yeah, no, it has happened. Oh, okay.
Because there was some billionaire. Remember, he went overseas and he died during the surgery to make his dick bigger.
Oh, so then they took his dick and gave it to someone else? I assume that they give it, that it's like a transplant thing where they give it to somebody who has the big dick. Yeah.
And then that, well, it's probably a corpse. So they probably take a corpse with a giant dick.
And Milton Berle, they cut off Milton Berle's dick. Yep.
And then they replace it with a tiny dick as he's buried. Either way, it is disappointing that Coach Rabel did not say this on our show.
That's all I say that is that is pretty that's really the part that's all i thought about i didn't think hey that's crazy a man said he would cut off his own dick to win a super bowl nope i'm like hey come on coach you listen to the show you're a current guest you're a football guy of the week and you saved it for what your fucking offensive lineman's podcast yeah i would feel disres, if I was a defensive lineman or a defensive back on that team and he didn't say that on my podcast. True.
I'd be like, what, you're showing favoritism towards the big uglies up front. That's pretty messed up.
Also, if you were Tim Tebow, or I'll spin it this way, if you were the thousands of Filipino orphans who had Tim Tebow cut their dicks off and they don't get any titles. That's kind of messed up.
That's true. Vrabel's like rubbing salt in that wound.
Yes. This deal should work for everyone.
It should be transferable to everyone. That's right.
For your favorite team. Belichick's the kind of guy who would cut off his dick one year too early instead of one year too late.
That's why he's won all those titles. Vrabel is chasing a ghost.
Yeah. We also have Bagel Boss guy who's taken over the internet I don't really know what else to say except PFT would you like to comment as our resident short guy I would like to comment thank you big cat because we need to wait who is the Bagel Boss guy is this five foot tall guy who went viral because he freaked out at Bagel Boss apparently someone at Bagel Bossel Boss.
That's a restaurant? What a great name for a bagel place. Right.
It's apparently someone behind the counter said, would you like a mini bagel? Which was the trigger. He also ordered a whole wheat bagel with a slice of Swiss and egg whites.
So one of the worst bagel orders of all time. Yeah, it's pretty weird.
Kind of deserved the mini bagel dig there. He went viral.
He basically challenged everyone at Bagel Boss to a fight. And then some guy just came in.
It wasn't even like a wrestling move. He just kind of sat on him a little bit.
Yeah, it was almost like a Yokozuna. It was just inertia.
The guy just walked into him and the guy fell down and got pinned to the ground. It looked like if you've ever seen nature videos or like a Steve Irwin video, where he takes down a small mammal so he can tag it and then release it.
That's what it looked like. I call this guy Salt Bagel.
You guys remember Salt Bagel? Yes, we do. With the little sprinkle thing? Yes.
But yeah, Big Cat, thank you for asking me if I'd like to speak for him. I would like to speak for him because- As a short guy.
We need to self-police, okay? We need to self-police ourselves because things are getting out of hand here that guy does not speak for all undersized people out there short people he speaks for himself undersized people um and maybe you know this might be so you're disavowing from the short community as the head spokesman i can't i can't speak for the short community because i'm not one but i'm saying if i were like two inches shorter this is what i would say uh i would say that this person does not speak for the entire community. Got it.
And I'm challenging him to a fist fight. So I'm trying to track him down.
I'm officially challenging him to rough and rowdy if I can find this guy. That's a fair fight, too, height-wise.
Yeah, it is. You know what I would do? I would do that thing.
Remember when those soccer players got into the scuffle and the guy did the head thing, like you're so short thing? I would do that to him because I would feel like a giant against him. And I would defeat him easily.
But yeah, Bagel Boss guy, he's canceled. Oh.
There's no other way to say it. You canceled him.
I think Humanity canceled Bagel Boss guy a long time ago. Yeah, he's not a good guy.
But I'm glad that there was somebody there that took matters into their own hands.

By videotaping.

Yes, by videotaping.

And giving it to all of us.

And uploading it for all the clicks.

That's the real hero here.

You know who I really blame?

Carbs.

You don't see this type of thing happening in a jerky store.

Yeah, or Just Salad.

Or Just Salad.

Where Hank's been just going every day.

If you're keto and you're short, you don't act out like this.

By the way, Hank, I still can't get over it. I know I make this joke every day, but the fact that the restaurant's called Just Salad is so genius.
Every day I go, I'm going to get salad. Just Salad? Yeah, and it's like, yeah, Just Salad.
Like, they have anything else? No, it's Just Salad. Her name is Just Salad.
It's not a bad name, but I like the idea of going to a salad place knowing that I can go off the rails. You crush that joke every day.
Because I'm so confused that there's actually a place called Just Salad. That's crazy.
You nail it on the head every time. You set yourself up for it.
Where are you going? I'm going to get lunch. Also, if we want to, let's get out of being nice.
You have a little bowl that you walk around with that says Just Salad, which is a weird move. You get two free extras.
You just walk around with your bowl all day. Yeah, you are kind of like a walking billboard for vitamins.
You're flaunting your salad. I eat meals like hours at a time.
It's not just a sit and eat. You just flaunt your just salad bowl.
I'm sorry for interrupting you, P.O.T. Okay.
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Has Sam Decker signed yet?

I don't believe that he has.

Okay, Sam Decker Watch still going on.

We will get him signed.

Sam Decker Watch 2019.

Breakers season?

Oh, no, no.

He's an NBA player.

Come on, Hank.

He's an NBA player. I mean, the offer's on the table.
Yeah, if he wants to talk. If he wants it.
But Oh, no. No.
He's an NBA player. Come on, Hank.
He's an NBA player.

I mean, the offer's on the table.

Yeah.

Oh, if he wants it.

If he wants it.

But really.

Yeah.

He's going to get signed.

We're just making sure that everyone remembers.

You know what?

I've actually heard.

Let's try this.

Yes.

I've heard from numerous teams.

So Leroy's reporting a lot of sources right now saying that there's a bidding war going

on for Sam Decker.

I heard the Suns.

Between four mystery teams.

Yeah.

The Suns, the Wizards, the Bucks. Mm Lakers.
The Lakers. And the Clippers.
Yeah, so it's getting really spicy. It's a Los Angeles battle for Decker.
Damn. And then the other thing we were going to do real quick before we get to the 2019 takeies, let's do a little Fyre Fest of the week.
We actually a mount rushmore inside of the takey's because we have some very special guests that are presenting some of these awards for us presenting the winners so the russian russian nesting doll yeah you have an award you'll be shocked to see some of the names that are that are part of the 2019 takey's let's call it star studded would be an understatement yes under. Understatement.
Hank, you want to start with your fire fest of the week?

Not really.

Okay.

So why don't you start?

No, you go.

No, no.

I don't think you have not have yours yet.

Do you not have one?

I have one.

What a fire fest of the week.

Of course I do.

Okay.

My fire fest of the week this week is just the fact that I don't get to read ads today.

Oh, I got that high.

As you guys know, I'm sure. I mean, I didn't realize like, you know, I'm usually just behind the scenes, clicking buttons when the show's over.
It's really nothing. The high after, you know, reading ads and just being in front of the mic, it was, it was something else in these past few days.
I've just been kind of like, I don't know what to do with myself. Do you want to just read an ad for a company that's not a sponsor just to like, uh, to get back into, into the practice of it? How about, read an ad for Chalk and Milk? Oh, okay.
Breaking Moose. Hank is going to read a Chalk and Milk ad right now.
Breaking Moose. This is the dumbest way we've backed into an ad ever because we did not plan any of that.
So I was in the gym the other day with Ennis canter i saw him there he was working out okay enos enos like penis i think it's that rhyme yeah and he had a cockamamie way of doing the bench press it was like weird you know he had he had different weights on different sides keckamime and uh that was crazy but luckily i gave him some. I said, even if you hurt yourself doing this kakamime way of bench pressing,

you can drink a chocomime and you'll get better.

Wait, wait.

Did he actually have different weights on each side?

Yeah, it was kakamime.

He was probably just making a mistake.

Because I think we've all done that at some point in the gym

where you put like a 25-pound weight on one side and a 35 on the other.

And you're like, oh, yeah, this is insane.

And then you start lifting it, and it's all kakamime. Yeah.
Now comes the part that we aren't supposed to read builtwithchocolatemilk.com okay nice great job by the way were you actually there with i'm back was canter actually there uh no uh wow what a roller coaster of a story that was the word you just said that you were supposed to queue me up for the for this week your words are cock mime and it's canter but i just did it. That was good.
That was good. That was really good.
You had me fooled. I thought that he was working out with a basketball player.
By the way, you don't think I would have mentioned that in passing? Yeah, you definitely would have. Well, we don't talk off the air.
We're like Mike and Mike, where the three of us don't speak to each other. Yeah, the end of the years of Mike and Mike.
Did you... The reaction to your ad reads was fantastic because it was either I was stunned.
It was either like very, very much against or very, very much pro. I thought everyone was going to be against so the fact that there was anyone that was positive felt a lot.
I got a lot of Instagram followers at HenryWalkwood1. Shout out to everyone that followed me.
So it's been a good, it's been a good few days. It's like the old Howard Stern thing.
They say that the people that didn't like him listened twice as long as people that did. So people were probably, the ones that hated you, that tweeted at us complaining, were probably rewinding and listening to the ads multiple times.
Correct. So good job, Hank.
Great job, Hank. Thank you, guys.
We'll mix in a couple Hank ads here and there. Wow.
Yeah. That would mean a lot.
Okay. It was also a lie.
PFT, what do you got? My Fyre Fest of the Week is so I had to fill out a credentialing thing for, I'm going to the next DNC debates. We stick to sports on part of my take, but I'm covering the 2020 election.
Cops are coming for you right now. They are, because I'm not sticking to sports.
But I had to fill out a credentialing thing, and probably 99% of it was numbers-based, where I had to put in social security number, because there's a lot of security things that go into checking people's backgrounds before they let them in. So it's probably a four or five-minute credentialing process, which feels like two hours when you're on your phone trying to fill this stuff out.
And all the numbers, it was the horizontal keyboard that popped up on my phone to do all the numbers. And it made me really miss that moment like moment you want to talk about a mount rushmore thrills the thrill that pop that that you get inside your body when the normal telephone keyboard pops up on the screen that you get to put numbers into your phone i don't know who the engineers are that developed that but uh tip of the cap to you because this was the worst five minutes of my week by far that sucks yeah that sounds terrible that's the worst thing i had to do yeah this week that sounds like it that's a fire fest awful stuff awful stuff um all right and then you know what happened i submitted and then it it didn't let me send it through because it's like oh you didn't fill this one part out correctly had asterisks all over the place i had to go back and resubmit certain parts with the numbers awful awfulful.
Oof. Awful.
All right. My fire fest is, it's actually a regret for something I did, but I wish I hadn't.
So I was walking with my son. Yes, I had a baby.
No big deal. Sex once.
But there was a spider on his stroller, and I thought for a second, let this spider bite my son so I can be the father of Spider-Man. Okay.
But then I killed the spider. But ever since, I've been thinking I just messed with, like, the laws of nature, and I kind of fucked up Marvel forever.
Also, your son is going to grow up without immunity to spiders. True.
Because you're supposed to eat, what, like eight? Eight a year. I remember I ate all my spiders in 2014.
A spider a week gets you on fleek. Do you think I should have let the spider bite my son? I think just a little bit, just like one fang.
There was a moment, and this is a really stupid thing to admit, but there was a moment where I stopped and I was like, yo, is Spider-Man about to be created again? Well mean you've said you've said privately off the air that you're not going to vaccinate your son which is you know this is not this is in keeping with that it's in keeping with that no no no poking of any sort if it's a needle if it's a fang you you misunderstood i'm only going to vaccinate him with spiders okay so we're just gonna get all the spiders in the world here's what you what you do. You inject a spider with a tiny bit of the MMR vaccine and then you let the spider.
Yeah, just bite your son. That way it's more like of a homeopathic natural way to vaccinate.
This is fucked up to think about because I've been watching Stranger Things too and that's, oof, that show's fucked, man. Kids like that show? Yeah.
Yeah, kids love that show. Fuck.
By the way, I'd be scared forever. You guys need to get to get on the big little lies train we need to talk about that show okay i will i will watch on point i will watch meryl streep such a bad bitch i'm starting to respect her when's the finale uh probably not for a few weeks all right i'll try to catch up i will try to catch up okay yeah um all right they're hour-long episodes yeah okay oh and and it flies by you can do it hank go by...
How many episodes in season one? I think there's seven. I'm going to make a promise to you I will catch up by the season finale.
Okay. I'll watch a few episodes this weekend.
It's funny watching Nicole Kidman because when she gets really upset, she slides back into her Australian accent. It's like me when I don't really have anything else to say.
I slide into an Australian accent. That's exactly what she does.
Okay. Should we do it? Should we do the takeies? Crikey.
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Do we have some, like, dramatic music or something that we're going to play underneath this? Maybe the music. Oh, do the music that they...
Chunk? No, no, no. Do the music that they do when they're walking up to get the Super Bowl trophy.
Yes. What is that? No, I was about to do.
That's just Roger Goodell sweating and breathing. Yeah, do that.
So we're all touching the Super Bowl trophy right now, and we're about to do it. The 2019 takeies.
You ready? I was born ready. I'm going to just keep talking while I get my notes up.
Are you ready? I'm also pulling my notes up, so I'm almost ready. I'm ready for the two.
Ladies and gentlemen, welcome. Yes, here we go.
This feels good. To the Pardon My Take studio presented by Cash App.
It is the 2019 Takey Awards. 24 takeys we are giving out today, and we are starting.
The first takey is going to the Rising Star of the year. This is going to three guys nominated for their rising star in the hot take world.
The first is Paul Pierce, who has been an absolute lightning bolt. If he famously said, I think this series is over after the Milwaukee Bucks beat, or sorry, the Celtics beat the Bucks in the first game of a game they then lost in five.

I don't know where Milwaukee goes from here.

Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa.

So is this over?

No, listen.

I think it's over.

Then he said that he pooped his pants afterwards to throw people off the scent.

He has been a true, true rising star.

Then we have Ryan Hollins.

You would probably recognize him as a guy who is on first take when Kellerman or Stephen A aren't on. And he's had a lot of takes, but none better than saying Giannis can't be in the MVP conversation in December.
Agreed. I don't know why I agree, but it feels right.
He just was very adamant that don't even talk about it. A big man.
A big man can't win the MVP. Don't put Giannis' name in your lips.
When Max Kellerman looks at you like your takes are terrible and disgusts me, you've got a problem. Yes.
Physically disgust. That's when you know you're a rising star.
True. The weird thing is, I bet you that Ryan Hollins would get along really well with Stephen A.
Smith when takes like those. Like Max Kellerman, he is too intellectual.
He thinks before he speaks, which is his big problem. If you're in the take game, you've got to be firing these takes out from your gut, from the bottom of your intestines.
It doesn't matter which hole they come out, but it's got to come from within you. It's not coming from your brain.
It's true. And then the final nominee is Jay Williams, a recurring guest, but he had to take Duke can beat the Cavs in the fall.
Duke lost 24 hours later to Gonzaga in the Maui Invitational. Yeah, that's tough.
They didn't even make a final four. That's tough.
That's really tough. And I love when a take like that gets busted up that quickly.
And on top of all that, shout out to Jay Williams, because someone has to carry the torch going forward to do name college team that's really good can beat the worst team in the professional league. Yeah, no, we need to have that every year.
I'm waiting for a billionaire to step in and make one of these games actually happen. This feels like an Elon Musk situation, right? Where he rents out the Rose Bowl and he gets, let's call him probably Clemson.
He'll get Clemson out there. Well, no, Georgia was the best team in college football.
So it'll be Georgia against, let's say, the Cleveland Browns. No, we can't do the Browns.
That'll piss off Browns fans. Okay, the Bengals and the Browns.
An all-star team of the Bengals and the Browns mixed together, coached by Hugh Jackson. Yes.
It is true, though. It's like when you see, you know when they'll write the story about a rookie phenom that it takes a couple months for them to catch on.
Like, hey, is this guy really this good? The saying, Duke can beat the Cavs, is like Jay Williams' arrival moment. He's just letting everyone know, hey, I'm here now to just spew some bullshit out here.
I'm for real. Who's the winner? Alright, so the winner is Hank, your boy, Paul Pierce.
Congrats, Paul. Paul Pierce.
The truth. Congratulations.
The truth. Tell us no lies.
He is the truth. He also, I love the truth, but do you guys see his outfit at the ESPYs? No.
It's tough. Really? It was wrinkly.
It looked like if I went to the ESPYs. Yeah.
I have one suit that I wear when I have to wear a suit, and it's like, oh, shit, suit night. Let me take it out.
Don't get it dry cleaned. Just put on a shirt that doesn't even really match.
It's funny. That's what he looked like.
I'm kind of the same way. A little bit overweight.
It was too tight. I'm sure, Hank, if you were invited to, what is the most formal occasion you could conceivably ever be? The Oscar Awards, maybe? The Oscars? The Dunkin' Awards.
The Dunkin' Awards. But if it was the Oscars, if it was like a black tie gala at the White House, you would probably still forget to iron your suit until like five minutes before and you spray some water on it.
Like put it in the shower while you're showering, hoping the steam takes it out. It doesn't matter.
We're so incorrigible when it comes to our suit behavior. Big Cat taught me how to fold suit pants.
Oh, that's true. Way back in the day.
I did. I still remember to this day.
I did. That's right.
You fold them in half. Yeah.
By the way. No, but the crease.
Yeah, the crease. You got to get the crease.
As an aside for the ESPYs, at what point is it awkward that, like, T.O. keeps going to the ESPYs? Oh, he's got to think it got a thing.
I thought he was there for a reason. I did too.
And they showed him. I was like, dude, what? What are you doing right now? There are certain guys that have a ticket for life to the ESPYs.
I feel like T.O., whenever he wants to show up, he can do it. A guy like Dennis Rodman, they'll probably let him in whenever because he's going to wear something ridiculous.
But then they sit him probably all the way in the back. Oh, for sure.
You're T.O. I mean, yeah, you're a Hall of hall famer but this is all about the guys who are playing now but he's basically a part owner of espn giving all the all the air time that he gave him back in like 2004 2005 true i thought that was weird though um all right what do we got next all right for a second award of the year this is brand new award this is the baker taker of the year so baker mayfield is the quarterback whose face has spawned a thousand takes this year all across the media landscape.
We've got three very, very well-deserving nominees. The first is my favorite person in the entire world, Mike Greenberg.
So Mike Greenberg, he tweeted this out. This is back in, I believe this was September.
He said, Baker Mayfield's agent should demand a trade. That kid has some magic, and they're going to ruin him.
For the good of the sport, the hashtag Browns should let him go. Oh, you loved it for the good of the sport.
Loved it for the good of the sport. That's really what made the take for me.
This isn't about Baker. No, it's not about Greeny.
No, it's not about Greeny. It's a bigger thing.
This is about football succeeding. This is the health and wealth of football in general needs to be saved by getting Baker Mayfield off the Browns.
Our second nominee goes to Colin Cowherd. This is more of a lifetime achievement award in Baker taking because he's been on a tear for the last year and a half.
I'd say he can't keep Baker's name out of his mouth.

Yep.

But I'd say the best one that he had was when he brought Baker on his show and confronted

him face to face like a man about how he celebrated with the band after a touchdown

when he was in college.

And then Baker was like, well, you didn't show the other five touchdowns that I threw

where I went and celebrated with my teammates.

And Coward was like, still don't like it. Yep.
Still can't be sold. I still don't like it.
Yeah. Don't like it, Baker.
Yes. And then the third nominee is Jason McIntyre for getting mad about Baker Mayfield returning to his phone after the game.
All time. Going to his phone, checking his messages instead of, I guess, talking to Jason McIntyre.
A game that he didn't start, he took over, so it was improbable that he was in the game and the first win the Cleveland Browns had in like a year and a half. Yep.
And oh my God, he looked at his phone and answered a couple text messages from his family. Yep.
So the winner of the inaugural Baker Taker of the Year award goes to... Uh-oh.
the king of morning drive time radio and television Mike Greenberg

for year old baker taker of the year award goes to uh-oh the king of morning drive time radio and television mike greenberg for uh saying that his agent should demand a trade after like one loss thank god for the good of the sport for the good of the sport that's the good of the that's what put it over the top yes absolutely uh by the way before we get to our next uh takey we are dressed stop and you wouldn wouldn't know that unless you have BarstoolGold.com slash PMT. Good point, Big Cat.
Who are you wearing? We're wearing tuxedos. I'm wearing, this is Sharpie.
This is Ralph Lauren. A shirt by Sharpie.
And a special, have we released the Cuddler yet? Yes, it came out today. Holy shit.
If you have barstoolgold.com slash PMT, the cuddler episode is unreal. We had our intern, Jake, PMT Sports Biz.
Pretty hot. Get cuddled.
Whoa, Hank. Hank.
It was hot. It was non-sexual.
It's a non-sexual cuddler. She said non-sexual.
It's therapeutic touch. Actually, no, you know what? Hank's okay saying that because we're not supposed to sex shame.
We're supposed to openly talk about the fact that Hank has a boner when he watched Jake and the cuddler cuddle. Hank, it's a normal healthy thing.
In fact, I'm glad that you have a boner for the first time in, what, three years? That's actually something that we should celebrate on this show. We are.
We're being nice. No, Hank, that's awesome.
We're open. I'm going to give a taking award for Hank's first boner to Hank.
Wow. And your little boner.
So go do it, barstoolgold.com slash PMT. All right.
Speaking of boners, the next takey is the Rick Pitino premature celebration of the year. We have three nominees for this.
Hugh Jackson trying to go for two in overtime when the game was already over. I watched that back.
It was off a field goal, too, which is even more interesting. Yeah, so you can't be up by three.
You'd rather be up by five, right? The chart says to go for two after a field goal. Unreal.
Colin Cowherd, who was nominated for the previous award, didn't win. He had my big conclusion by the middle of the second quarter, the Bucs games uh the bucks and the raptors aren't beating golden state this warriors team now if you stopped right there you'd be like okay that's fine you know golden state's still the one but hold on this warriors team without boogie or kd in a beat up iggy would beat milwaukee and sweep toronto yeah it's tough.
Sweep Toronto. That's tough, Colin.
So that's tough. And then we had, finally, Auburn fans for the final four rolling Toomer's corner without realizing that Kyle Guy was fouled on a three-point attempt, and then they lost the game.
The time-lapse video of that is all at the same time very entertaining and also heartbreaking. Yes.
Very, very entertaining. So the winner is...
Especially because you see that video in football season all the time and what happened couldn't happen in a football game really. Yes.
The winner is Auburn fans for Rolling Tumor's Corner. Please, if you're an Auburn fan, please accept this.
Tweet us saying that you accept it. War Eagle.
All-time moment War Eagle. Still the bad.
If Auburn, if you're trying to think about where to go to college, all you got to be like, hey, do you want to be able to walk around and say War Eagle for the rest of your life? War Eagle is pretty badass. That's a selling point right there.
Now, if you're an Auburn student, would you rather that Harvey Updike had succeeded in poisoning all the trees immediately so that that video and that celebration didn't exist? I think they did. I think they had to replant a couple.
So yeah, I need an update on the tree status down there. Are those the real trees? Are they fake trees? I don't know.
Are some of them poisoned? Yeah. All right.
So that was the Rick Pitino premature celebration of the year take. You know what sucks is that all the toilet paper is up in the tree and and then they're sad and they're crying, and they have to climb into a tree to wipe themselves, wipe their tears off.
Yes, exactly. That's terrible.
All right, next up. The next award is for the Boston Sports Heartbreak of the Year.
It's been a tough year for Boston sports fans. I think only two out of your four teams won national championships, or excuse me, world championships.

And the Bruins, they lost in the Stanley Cup final.

So you got to experience three finals.

Only two out of the three were victories.

So it was a tough year.

The first nominee for Boston Sports Heartbreak of the Year

was Rob Gronkowski and his fake retirement

because he's definitely coming back.

Definitely coming back. Definitely coming back.

That's tough.

Dude, when he saw the long neck guy.

That amazing video, he was shook.

And then also at the ESPYs last night, he was doing a panel with D. Wade.

I think it was Lindsey Vonn maybe and him.

And Lindsey Vonn was like, oh, we're a bunch of old people.

And he took great offense to that.

The long neck video was so funny. People were tired.
Oh, I'm tired. I'm washed up.
He was like, you know we're a bunch of old people and he took great offense to that the the long neck video was so funny like people retire like oh yeah I'm like I'm you know I'm washed up he was like no no no it was also just a moment where everyone's been saying Rob Gronkowski is going to be like the next superstar in Hollywood and then within like three months of being retired he's doing a monster energy promo with long neck and he's like whoa what he's like I don't go I don't know about this. I think that Rob could be a great...
Hank, are you drinking? Yeah, he is. It's the Takey's.
Hank is... I just looked over at Hank slugging a fucking 24-ounce.
I mean, I'm not going to spoil it. We had Doug Marone in here earlier, and they brought a bunch of beers, and it's like...
No, Hank, toss me a beer. It's fucking the Takey's, but wearing tuxedos.
Toss me a beer, Hank. I'll have a beer, too.
I'm going to have a beer at the Takey Awards. It comes but once a year.

Oh, Jesus.

And it's our great sponsor,

Bud Light.

That's right.

Beautiful.

All right.

Where are we?

Oh, I got the Bud Diesel.

Let's go.

All right.

So we're in the middle

of the Boston Sports

Heartbreak of the Year.

That was a great moment

in Takey history.

Hank, are you drinking?

I was like,

what are you drinking?

Hey, it's Doug Marone's guy.

He handed me one.

I was like,

oh, you know. It's rude to be like, no.
It is. It is.
Thank you, Hank, for doing that. The second nominee is the split second when the Patriots and Patriots fans didn't realize that Dee Ford was offsides.
That was a long split second. That was a very long split second where it looked like they might have lost an AFC championship game.
But fear not, they ended up winning that game because Dee Ford was, in fact, like a half-yard offsides.

The third nominee for Boston Sports Fans Heartbreak of the Year

is the one World Series game that the Red Sox lost.

Yeah.

And having to stay awake for the 18-inning game.

Was that the game they lost?

No.

No.

Okay, so it's really two things.

That would have been a tragedy.

You guys ended up winning, but still, that moment where you lost one game, that must have been very tough for you guys. What game was it even? I don't know.
It didn't matter. So the winner of the Boston Sports Heartbreak of the Year goes to the split second when they didn't know D4 was offside.
Because that was like they lost. They weren't going to win a Super Bowl that year.
Oh, no, they did lose the 18-inning game. Oh, they did? Did you have – Hank, were you on live stream when D4 was offside? You sunk, right? No, I was hiding in the other room.
I wasn't watching. Jesus.
All right, next up we have worst take of the year. This one is a loaded, loaded class here.
First up, Dave Gettleman, the quote machine, with his take. We didn't sign Odell to trade him on January 2nd.
And then March 12th, Odell Beckham traded to the Browns. So signed him and then traded him.
Porn star Kia Maria, who you will remember not from her videos, but from her dinner with Jimmy Garoppolo. Just a date.
Just a date. That time of night when you put your scrunchie on, that Instagram, she said after the date, everything I touched turns to gold.
Get ready for the 49ers to kick ass and win. Mark my words.
Everything that I touched turns to gold. So basically her house is filled with like a bunch of dudes that look like C-3PO.
Golden dildos. Just from their waist down.
Exactly. Piers Morgan Piers? Piers? Piers Morgan for his England soccer tweet when he said Ms.
Rapinoe sure does love herself. Can't wait to see our lionesses dent that stupendous ego.
What happened? Looks like we won another World Cup. Dos Acero.
By the way, he's still going. It's like two to one, though.
Because, like, yesterday, he said, someone said, did the U.S. women's team win the World Cup? I hadn't noticed.
That was obviously being sarcastic because they were very bitter. And he wrote, don't worry, they'll soon tell you again and again and again.
Shut the fuck up, Piers. Hey, Piers, go pick the ball up out of the ocean, you limey fuck.
Piers Morgan is like an uncircumcised version of Tucker Carlson. Alright, so, and then, oh, finally, Bill Simmons, for his take about the Celtics, they're going to win 67 games, and they're going to be up by 30 points in a lot of them.
Celtics won 49 games and bounced in the second round. Attacking that little extra part at the end, they're going to be up 30 points in a lot of them.
In a lot of them. Yeah, that's just spiking the football when you haven't even scored yet.
So we have the winner. I'm actually going to change the winner.
Ooh. Because reading these, I think we did it wrong.
We had the winner as David Gettleman. I think the winner should be Piers Morgan.
All right.

Because he's such a fucking insufferable idiot, and he's still going.

The fact that he's still going and still whining about it, we should give him this takey.

Here's how you know Piers Morgan sucks, is that everyone on all sides of every aisle hate him.

Yes.

Absolutely hate him.

Yes.

Doesn't matter if you're left, right, center.

It's like the whole world loving the dab.

Yeah.

Everyone can just agree on it. It's exactly like that.
Okay. Long live the dab.
Okay, next up. The next category is the song of the summer of the year.
This is a very prestigious award. Last year, I believe, it went to drink paint.
Yep. We gave it to ourselves, not being self-congratulatory at all.
Nope. We conceded.
The nominees are Chonk. Parentheses, It's Chonk.
Okay, good song. That's by part of my take.
Good song. Featuring Sonny Digital and Tyler I.M.
and Roan. The next nominee is...
Shout out, Roan. It's Louisiana.
Who cares? Who cares? It's Louisiana. Nice.
I reversed those. Yep.
That's also by us.

The next one is, you know what?

It was going to be love watching NFL football.

I'm striking that out because I think it's been nominated before.

Yeah.

It didn't win.

So I don't know if it can win again.

Okay.

I don't know if it can not win again.

It's the who keeps getting Brad Pitt.

He's never won.

No.

Meryl Streep gets nominated every year.

Meryl Streep does. But Buffalo Bills.
George Clooney. He's never won.
No. Meryl Streep gets nominated every year.
No, Meryl Streep does. Buffalo Bills.
George Clooney. He's never won one.
Okay. Martin Scorsese.
Until the Departed. With the rat at the end.
That was the rat. The next nominee is Song of the Summer.
So that's a song that's yet to be released by Pump Punk. No one's ever heard it? It's coming out either early next week or late next week.

Okay.

And?

And the last nominee is Old Town Road by Lil Nas X.

Ooh, good song.

Good song.

Not by us.

Not by us.

And the winner of Song of the Summer of the Year goes to Chonk.

It's Chonk.

Oh.

By us.

Hey, cheers, boys.

Cheers, boys.

We did it.

Cheers.

We're drinking.

Cheers.

The best thing about having your own award show is you can just give yourself a shitload of awards.

Yeah, exactly.

Exactly.

Shout out to Sonny Digital.

Shout out to Sonny Digital.

We have a one-song-per-year contract with them.

Yep.

Also, can I just say...

He's got new music out, too.

It's fire.

Go listen.

On July 27th, Pop-Ponk is playing a show at Mulcahy's inside Long Island. Onside Long Island.
Wait, Onside? Yeah. Onside Long Island, Mulcahy's.
Onside. July 27th, there are tickets still available.
Go buy them. Go buy them.
We're going to have a fire set list. And you'll hear a song in the summer.
You will. Okay, next up we have, speaking of Chonk, Chonk Athlete of the Year.
We all love Chonk athletes. This one was a star-studded year for Chonk athletes.
Zion Williamson, who, by the way, did you guys see that picture of him sitting on the sideline the other day in just a regular shirt? I feel like every rookie, they go through their rookie year looking like how they did in college, and then it's the summer after your rookie year. That's the make or break year.
You think so? Give him a full 365. He's already a man.
Like skinny guys. No, but skinny guys that come in, they're skinny, and then they put on the weight the year after.
It's true. They get the nutritionist quotes.
You know what they say? They always say that money just makes you more of who you used to be. It just amplifies your personality traits that you had before.
Zion was was already a little chunky he got his money now he's big chunky and he's in vegas

and i've said he's one one bad weekend in vegas away from real chunk uh andy ruiz who who was

an electric factory boxing heavyweight champion of the world very chunky third nipple too third

nipple vlad jr uh who won the 2019 home run derby. Yep.
And Kelvin Benjamin Jr. gets a Lifetime Achievement nominee.
And the winner is Zion Williamson, the chonkiest boy there is. Kelvin Benjamin was one Popeye's biscuit away from winning this award.
Yes, he was. I love how chonk Zion is.
Yeah. And I've said it before.
Zion is like the rare dude from Duke that everyone is going to root for. I think he would actually get worse if he lost weight.
Yeah. There's something about his body.
He's got power. He's got power that he can just jump into.
Absolutely. You know, it doesn't look as much like an offensive foul if a fat guy runs into you as opposed to like a big jacked up dude runs it's

true uh all right what do we got next uh the next award is for the aaf week of the year so do we remember what aaf stands for alliance as fuck alliance of american foot alliance of american football right yes okay uh great league we all enjoyed it sad to see it go but love to watch it leave. The nominees are week one.
Remember that guy from Arizona State got his head taken off? He got jacked up. That was awesome.
Mike Burr says Sissy. You remember when they did the thing where they placed the ball at the 25-yard line or whatever in week one? I was like, wow, that's different.
You remember when they had the person up in the booth, the ref, and they let us watch them?

They let us watch their neck rolls make a decision?

You remember when we could gamble on football in February

and we realized that in week one?

And we lost because we bet the over,

and it was really stupid to bet the over on a game

when no one knows how to play and everyone quarterback sucks.

And I'm pretty sure Trent Richardson had one touchdown

and 2.6 yards per carry.

Yep.

Okay, so that's the first nominee.6 yards per carry. Yep.
Okay.

So that's the first nominee.

The second nominee.

Good memories.

I was a boat outside.

They're just fucking with us now.

Blake's pulling up.

Bortles is coming up here for the Blake of the year.

The second nominee for AAF week of the year goes to week eight.

The last week.

Oh, for the.

I don't know what happened that week.

Trent Richardson had one touchdown and average 2.6 yards per carry. All right, who won? The winner of AAF week of the year goes to week one.
Ooh. When we were very, very excited to have football back after a long, like, one-week hiatus.
Yes. Anecdotally speaking, I would say we remembered week one a lot more than week eight just from all the stories we had there.

Yes.

We will always have that one week.

Yes.

All right.

Next up, we have ratio of the year.

Okay.

And this one is going to be fun.

So we try to keep it not in politics because you could get a ratio.

Ratios are just a dime a dozen when it comes to the

political twitter so we try to stay in the sports world we have some very good nominees uh dan mclaughlin who tweeted after tyler skaggs really uh tragic and unfortunate death he wrote tyler skaggs was pitching pretty well this year which is a small thing compared to dying at 27 but a shame for him he didn't get to finish a good season. 3,834 replies, 107 retweets.
Now, let's be clear that you might know this Dan McLaughlin character. He's more in the public conscious as the baseball crank.
Baseball crank. The baseball crank, and he's got an all-time avatar, too, of just a grumpy baseball face.
Now we have the boat coming. The boat's getting pulled over.
I guarantee you the baseball crank had, had him on his fantasy team. That's why he tweeted that.
Yes, he absolutely did. All right.
So that one's up there. We had the famous bleacher report, one nation, one team picture that they tweeted out after the women's won the world cup.
It had 1500 replies. One retweet.
Wow. I don't know when that was in the course of it, but holy shit, that's unbelievable.
I'm surprised that there weren't more retweets on it just because it was just a great tweet. Yes, it was a great tweet.
We have Danny Cannell, our friend, recurring guest, provocateur. He wrote, when did marijuana become good for you? Crazy how fast certain narratives move in our society with little or no scientific proof is it better than opioids probably that's a bold statement uh but let's slow down treating weed like a wonder drug with no downside risks he had 3.5 thousand uh replies and 500 retweets he got some nice retweets that's good retwe yeah.
And then the last one we have is Peter Gammons, who in October tweeted, in the eighth inning of what may be a do-or-die game with the tension of a Game 7, Neanderthal Fenway Park fans chanting Yankees, and he did dot, dot, dot, so he didn't actually say suck. Okay, good.
Thank you, Peter. Family website.
What is it? Ass... Tookus.
No, no. What does Stephen A.
Smith allow on his timeline? Ass. Damn.
Hell. Or allowed on his timeline.
Mild profanity. No other profanity.
So chanting Yankees suck are eerily like those who chant lock her up at a political rally designed to demean female assault victims trauma. Whoa.
That tweet takes a hard turn. Whoa.
I didn't see that one coming 3405 replies 179 retweets uh so some heavy competition here the winner is baseball crank for using uh tyler skaggs unfortunate death to bitch about his fantasy team. It's pretty good.
By the way, shout out to Baseball Crank because he did, in that thread, have a very, very good clapback. Dante Stallworth replied to him, dude, delete this shit.
What the fuck? And he replied, you may not be the best authority to lecture anyone on untimely death. Okay, moving right along.
So good job, Baseball Crank. You got one win back.
Number 10. Number 10.
The 10th award of the night. This is the Mike Tomlin quote of the year.
Mike Tomlin, he is a quote machine. I hope Mike Tomlin wins.
How's that beer? It's pretty good. Yeah, Bud Diesel getting heavy over there.
So the nominees are Mike Tomlin for inventing the standard is the standard. Ooh.
The second nominee is Sean McVay for saying the standard is the standard. Oh, a wild card.
Yeah. The third nominee for Mike Tomlin quote of the year is Chargers head coach Anthony Lynn for saying the standard is the standard on the sidelines.
Okay. And then the last nominee is Mike Tomlin again for saying,

we need volunteers, not hostages.

Ooh, good one.

And the winner of the inaugural Mike Tomlin quote of the year award goes to

Mike Tomlin.

Yes.

For saying the standard is the standard for inventing that.

I bet on him. All-time football guy quote right there.
Not sure what it means. It sounds cool.
It makes me want to play football. Standard is the standard.
The standard is the standard. Hey, I'll drink to that.
The standard is the standard. Right? Hank, tip it up.
Salud. Okay.
We're going to take a quick break for a sponsor. When we come back, we have our celebrity guests who are going to announce some of the winners.
Some of them, probably the biggest star-studded guest show we've ever had. Would I say, is that fair, boys? Is that fair? Yes.
Okay, no one's listening. It's fair.
Is that fair? Okay, PFT, you got a couple ads before we do that? Okay, and we have an emergency takey that we're issuing right now. This is off script.
It was not part of the plan. As a matter of fact, you might notice that things look a little bit different.
If you're watching this podcast, it's because Big Cat went home. This takey award is for most inconveniently timed Woj Bomb of the year, and it goes to Woj for right now, for just breaking right after we're done taping.
The Takey Awards broke the news that Russell Westbrook has been traded to the Houston Rockets for Chris Paul and a handful of draft picks. So we're getting a reunion of sorts of Russell Westbrook and James Harden, but there's still just one ball in Houston, unless Darryl Morey figures out some weird sabermetric way to divvy up the ball.
So for further analysis on this trade, we actually have a very special guest. It's Big Cat, who left and went home because we were done with the takeies, and he called in.
Big Cat, are you with us? What do you make of this trade? This fucking league. This fucking league.
You think you can sleep when there's a woge it's what a week after that all the uh free agents have happened we finish the take you finish a long episode that everyone's gonna love and then woge decides hey now's the convenient time for me to drop this news this motherfucker woge i'm getting sick of him but here's what i gotta say tft there's only one ball, and I'm excited for Russell Westbrook and James Harden to fight over that ball. And I actually think Chris Paul has to retire now, right? Like, you can't do the, hey, me and James Harden actually have a great relationship.
What are you guys all talking about? All these reports are false. Have Daryl Morey say, hey, actually, these guys are fine.
We're going to roll the ball back out there and try again next year, and then get traded to the Oklahoma City Thunder for basically a guy who will hold the ball even more in Russell Westbrook this motherfucking league. This motherfucking league.
Kevin Durant has just ruined the Oklahoma City Thunder again, so credit to him for breaking the team twice. Russell Westbrook, probably the biggest hype beast in the NBA, going to Houston, home of NASA.
Even he realizes that NASA is the new hot trend. So shout out to him.
This fucking league. The last thing I have to say is this is a classic case of something that we've always learned.
If you've watched sports long enough, I think this is something that if you're like a a younger sports fan you don't realize it for a while because you're naive and you just don't understand how maybe the whole world works but anytime and this counts for coaching front office whatever it may be anytime someone says our relationship is fine and these media reports are false they are lying they are always lying and it always ends up a trade. The fact that people tried, like the Houston Rockets tried to convince everyone that James Harden and Chris Paul didn't hate each other's guts is absolutely laughable.
We all knew it was laughable at the time, but it's one of those all-time lessons that you learn every now and then, how much these front offices and the owner and everyone will lie to the public to try to put it back together and then trade Chris Paul to Oklahoma City. So how quickly before Russell Westbrook kills James Harden? I think murder's in play here.
Yeah, this might be one of those things, though. They basically went to college together because they were both young together on Oklahoma City, so they could be like, hey, remember those days when we could drink a ton and we went out all the time.
That could be, it could be nice for a little bit. I think it's the more, the more interesting thing is Chris Paul.
Basically like this is, I don't know what he's going to do. I have no idea what Chris Paul's going to do other than, uh, Hank, if you're listening, shout out our waitress, Raven and Oklahoma city at the Chili's who offered us mushrooms.
The one time we been to oklahoma city maybe just go to chilies all the time and see if she'll just uh give you mushrooms you put out the drug guy vibe i i understand why she tried to offer that to you yeah we didn't take them so uh but yeah we should go back to the takey's but this is crazy okay well back to the regularly scheduled show fuck you you, Woj. Fuck you, Woj.
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Hey, what's going on there, pal? We saw you at the hockey game on. Do I know you guys? I'm Ryan Whitney.
I got a drink named after me. Not a big deal.
Pink Whitney? That's what I thought. See you, fellas.
I invented the thing, you pigeon. Pink Whitney for legendary moments.
Okay, we are back for the second half of the takeies, and we have a very special surprise for you. We've been alluding to it.
We have some of the biggest A-list celebrities, our friends, who we contacted, possibly paid on a random website, whatever it may be to call in and give us the winners of these awards so should we do it should we get back to it yep all right pft you're up all right the first award with a guest presenter this is the award for retirement of the year okay very very important category the nominees are urban me Meyer for retiring for good forever. Definitely.
Walking away from the sport. No chance.
Retirement, period. Yep.
Second nominee, Vontae Davis from the Buffalo Bills. Retired at halftime.
Drove away from the stadium. Went home during an NFL game this year.
All-time power move. Third nominee, Magic Johnson for walking away so he could tweet.
Yep. Addicted to that posting life.
And not telling anyone. Not telling anybody.
Not telling Cheney Buss. Just showing up and saying, hey, man, I got to get these tweets off.
Yeah, I got it. You understand.
I'm Magic. The final nominee is me.
Yes. For quitting jeweling.
I retired from that jewel life. Not vaping, jeweling.
Not vaping, jeweling. I wrote down vaping, and you're like, no, no, no, just jeweling.
Now, I'm leaving myself a window like Urban Meyer. I have a clause in my contract.
If I were to vape again, it would not be with a jewel. So blue vape in this case would be USC.
Or Notre Dame. Yes.
Okay, got it. Notre Dame would be the white smoke.
But yes, I have quit jeweling officially. So let's go to our very special presenter and wait by the way before we do this you should have said this so how it worked was we each got four awards to get a special presenter so this is your award yep hank and i don't know who the special presenter is so we're going to react to every single one after it's a surprise yep and we'll say that beforehand so this surprise to me.
This is my guy. Hank, want to play it? Hi.
This is Devin Kajust. Here to announce the takey for retirement of the year.
And the winner is drum roll. Do I not have a drum roll anywhere? Drum roll.
Hey, babe. Do you mind giving me a drum roll really quick? Yeah! Vontae Davis for retiring at halftime of a Buffalo Bills game and driving home from the stadium.
Follow your heart, Vontae. Follow your heart.
Hey, Jake, by the way, you're pretty dapper, man. All jokes aside, super dapper.
Hope you're having a dapper day with dapper vibes. No, I didn't in the eye it's just a shadow i know i just want to let you know it's all good and all jokes aside i don't know who vante davis is you just i feel like i should google this situation so serious on that note have a dapper day much love and And why not be great? Go for it.

What the fuck?

Well, first of all, I got very confused when he said, hey, Jake.

And I was like, is there someone sitting in his kitchen right now?

No, but it's actually PMT Sports Biz.

Jake was the one who sent out all these requests that we didn't pay for.

Maybe paid for.

Devin Caduce, he's going to buy a bunch of crystals with that. Well, you know what's crazy is that he says that he doesn't know who Vontae Davis is.
I looked it up. The Browns actually played the Bills in preseason this year.
Vontae Davis is a cornerback, so Devin Kajust definitely went up against Vontae Davis. Yikes.
That might have helped you make the team oh okay um thank you to devin kajust our good friend who called in on his own accord uh next up we have apology of the year two nominees here star-studded nominees though the first is lebron james who put out an Instagram with the rap quote,

we've been getting that Jewish money, everything is kosher.

And then when trying to apologize, said,

so I actually thought it was a compliment,

and obviously it wasn't through the lens of a lot of people.

My apologies, it definitely was not the intent, obviously, to hurt anybody.

So he actually thought that was really nice.

Yeah.

Yeah.

So that's a good apology. As a Jewish person Jewish person yourself yes do you take that as a compliment from anyone else sure from LeBron fuck no okay fuck no uh the other nominee is Urban Meyer who had the best apology of all time when he apologized to Buckeye Nation, but not Courtney Smith, the person

who actually had to go through terrible, terrible things.

And then when everyone said, hey, dude, you apologize to Buckeye Nation, but not Courtney

Smith.

He fixed his words and he said, I'm sorry we're in this situation.

So that's really nice, too.

So he apologized for his apology without really apologizing for anything. Yes.
That's tough to do. I'm sorry we're here.
I'm sorry that I have to quit my job and then have to take a year off and be an analyst and then go to USC or Notre Dame. Okay.
So let's go to the winner and our guest presenter. Hi.
I'm Smush Parker. Here to announce the takey for Apology of the Year.
And the winner is Urban Meyer. Way to go, coach.
While I have you here, I just want to let you guys know that I, everybody knows about my beef with Kobe. And I posted not too long ago on my Instagram page, Smush Parker Elite.
It's my Instagram page not too long ago. I posted an apology and a letter of prayer that I said for Kobe.
So if you guys want to check it out, you guys can check it out there. Smush Parker Elite Instagram page.
He sounds like Hank plugging his Instagram. Yeah this was my this was mine I contacted Smush Parker

and I wrote

that he needs to say and while

we're doing apologies I want to finally

apologize to Kobe Bryant he then just

decided I'll just plug my Instagram

for 30 seconds respect yes smart move

that's what you got to do in those situations

yeah respect Smush Parker all right Urban Meyer

nice taking his Urban won two no

he was nominated several times this year yes

yes but he just took one home so way to go

Urban Meyer congrats taking. Has Urban won two? No.
He was nominated several times this year. Yes, yes, but he just took one home, so way to go, Urban Meyer.
Congrats, Coach. All right, PFT, what do you got? Okay, my next one, this is for Calipari of the Year.
Ooh, Calipari. Calipari of the Year.
Coach Cal of the Year. Yes.
No, no, Coach Jim C. Yeah, yeah, no, no, just a Cal.
Cal of the Year. Cal of the Year.
The nominees are John. Oh, who's he? John Calipari.
Oh, the coach. John Calipari.
Yes. Yes.
Oh, no, the one that we were saying on Kentucky Sports Radio was J Cal. J Cal.
Of the year. Yes.
Either Jim Calhoun or John Calipari. So John is nominated for Calipari of the year.
He had a pretty good year. He had the moment where he had all of his number one picks, their jerseys in frames behind him just randomly while he's getting interviewed on ESPN for the seating.
And you know what? There's nobody that really makes a Hawaiian shirt pop like Coach Cal. That's true.
Because it looks so much different from his normal Jay Wright style pinstripe suit. Yep.
The flowers really pop on John. The next nominee for Calipari of the year is Megan.
Megan Calipari for being ride or die on Twitter, defending her brother, her dad, her mom. Awesome.
You name it. Just any, if any Italian in America is attacked on social media, the Calipari sisters, they will go in on you and you will regret your words.
But Megan, especially, she takes no prisoners., the Calhive. And the final nominee for Calipari of the Year goes to Brad Calipari.
Yes. He was demonstrating swag all year long.
He was rocking turtlenecks on the sidelines. He was wearing the chains.
He's looking really, really dapper. You want to talk about a dapper dude? We're talking about Brad Swag.
Yep, Brad Swag. And here to introduce the Calipari of the Year is somebody that I don't know.
Okay. So who did we contact for this? Let's find out.
Hank, was this you? Yep, this was me. Hi.
This is Bob Vance, Vance Refrigeration. Here to announce the take heed for Calipari of the Year.
And the winner is Dr. Aaron

Siciliano Calipari.

Wow.

Go Dawgs.

Go Dawgs. Interesting.

There's another shout out, Jake.

Okay, so

Calipari that wasn't even nominated

one. That's how fierce they are.

Holy shit. Yeah.

What an upset. I mean, they're going to be

listening to that. She'd probably listen to it like,

what the fuck? Why wasn't I nominated on Calipari?

Well, she just won. Yeah.

My vote would have been for Megan. I just want that on the record

because she will attack you on Twitter.

I think they should all win. Yes.

Okay, so all the Caliparis win

so that we stay on the right side of the Calipari family.

John, why don't you come on the podcast?

So we'll see if they're going to have that award taken away in a couple years because of violation. I was like, okay, John, maybe you won't come on the podcast.
All right. Next up, we have Cat Owner of the Year.
This is a spicy one, folks. Nominated first nominee, Marlon's Man for owning way too many cats.
I think he like not just cats nine giant cats what are they giant what are the names of them giant persians no that's not the name of the giant persian cat no i'm pretty sure he's got they they are enormous enormous cats and very disgusting to look at and he held them up malamar oreo, Oreo 4, Fluffy, Truffles, Tribbles, Father Cat, Sun Cat, Monster Vader. Did you make those names up, PFT? No, these are their...
You're reading the blog. I power ranked as cats.
These are the real names. Number one was Malamar.
Malamar is a unit. I don't know Monster Vader, dude.
But if you look at the cats, Oreo 4 is a good-looking cat.

What type of cats are they?

So these are, let's see.

Unbelievable.

Well, he's Cat Owner of the Year nominee.

Next up, I think they're...

I don't know what type of cats they are.

All right.

Next up, we have Hank, who almost became a cat owner.

Almost.

Twice, and then killed both of them. So you're nominated for Cat Owner of the Year.
And then our final nominee for Cat Owner of the Year is Shane Dawson. You probably remember Shane Dawson because he went viral on Twitter.
And he went viral for his cat tweet that said, I didn't fuck my cat. I didn't come on my cat.
I didn't put my dick anywhere, anywhere near my cat. I've never done anything weird with my cats.
I promised myself that I wasn't going to make apology videos after last year's thing. So I'm just trying to be as short and honest with this as possible.
What was last year's thing?

Last year's thing? That was probably having something to do with coming on his cat.

Yeah, but he didn't. He didn't come on his cat

or fuck his cat. He didn't put his dick anywhere near

his cat. So the

winner, let's go to our celebrity

guest presenter.

Jake.

Hi, it's Andy Dick here to announce

the, I guess it's called

the takey. I'm with Leah Kekner.
It's just Lee. Just Lee.
Like Vivian. You're right.
Lee. What? Psycho.
Lee Majors. I don't know.
Who is this? Andy Dick. The one that got stabbed in the shower.
Vivian Lee. What does he do? She got stabbed in the shower in Psycho.
I don't think she was in Psycho. Who's Vivian Lee? Which one is she? Gone with the wind.
Yes. You're very good at that.
Over there in a corner for 50 points. For 50 points.
So I'm here to announce the winner for the cat owner. Meow.
I heard you. Meow.
Pussy. Meow.

Do you have a can?

I think this is Andy's job.

I have the winner right here.

It's just sitting at home.

It's a good takey slope.

What is the unsipment?

I wanted to keep it a secret until this moment.

Oh, my gosh.

I'm so excited.

I know.

Right?

Do you want me to hold the camera on you?

Yes.

You have to hold it like this. So you can't see.
As soon as you give us the winner, we'll cut it off. But we gotta keep going.
I need to know. It's an important category.
What the fuck is going on? I should've worn my tie. I like how you look.
Well, this is an awards show. Oh.
For the taggy.

Oh, you should have worn a tag.

For the catty owner of the year.

From Jakey.

There's a lot of whys in that.

Tossing some whys, yeah.

And the winner is...

Holy shit.

Come on, Andy.

Play it off music.

You got a drum roll.

We do need to play.

He's the first person to get played off before presenting.

Cat owner of the year gets to takey home a takey.

Okay.

Shane Dawson.

Oh, there we go.

We'll cut it there.

All right.

Thank you.

Thank you, Andy Dick, for presenting that. Yeah, I guess that was a presentation.
Good job, Andy. Holy shit.
And to, I mean, Shane was the only one that confirmed didn't fuck their cat. Yes.
The other ones have not released statements, so we don't know if Hank's fucked a cat or not yet. Or cummed on his cat or put his dick anywhere near his cat.
All right, let's move it along. We got the next one.
PFT, that's you. This is a very prestigious award.

We did it last year.

This is for Lib Cuck of the Year.

So you'll recall Chris Long won it last year.

This year, the nominees are Danny Cannell for Lib of the Year for irresponsibly acknowledging

that marijuana might not be as dangerous as opiates.

Yes.

Danny, you can't say that with any certainty.

You're just trying to play it up for the hipster cool liberal crowd not on my watch danny the next nominee is chris long just for being just libery in general yes he just libs all the time and then the final nominee for lib of the year is blake bortles whoa for driving a tesla okay the electric car pre the Year is nominated. Single-handedly saving the world.
Okay. So let's go to our presenter here.
Let's see who it is. Hey, this is Ken Bone.
I'm not wearing a red sweater because it's the middle of July and it's hot. But it is Ken Bone.
Anyway. I'm here to announce the takey for Lib of the Year.
And the winner is Chris Long. Congrats on back-to-back victories and for donating your salary just so you wouldn't be tempted to spend it on hot leaf.
Ken Bone has no idea what that is. Holy shit.
Did you do that one? That was me, yeah. Yeah, that was great.
Shout out Ken Bone. That was great.
Alright, so congratulations to Chris Long. He's actually won it three years in a row.
Yeah. That's three years in a row he's won LibCuck of the year.
Very, very impressive. Unbelievable.
And anytime somebody in any store comes across the Libman Mops, it's a brand of Mops, I always get tweets with Chris Long tag, like, found Chris Long. Yeah, found Chris Long hanging out in the store.
All right, next up we have Canadian of the Year. This one is quick.
We have Kawhi Leonard, who won the NBA title, and he's Canadian now because he lived in Canada for a year.

The offensive lineman who chugged a beer in the stands during a CFL game.

We think that was this year, but we don't remember.

And Mark Trestman, who is a noted Canadian football coach who now has a job in the XFL.

So let's go to our – is this a celebrity? Yeah, our celebrity. Let's see who won.
Hi, this is Melody Dahu here to announce the takey for Canadian Accent of the Year. And the winner is Kawhi Leonard.
Thank you so much. Have a good day.
Bye. Okay.
Who's. Okay.
You got to walk us through that one, Hank. Well, we set a budget.
We only had $250 each. That we didn't use.
To make these happen, if you will. Yes.
And so I was basically at my... I was up.
I only had like $10 left. And I just typed in Canadian.
And I found a Canadian women's hockey player. But was she doing a Canadian accent? Well, we wrote, Jake wrote in the thing, please do a heavy Canadian accent.
So that's why she wrote Canadian accent of the year. She misread.
But that wasn't even a Canadian accent. That was like someone who doesn't know how to speak.
Well, no, she just has an accent. Yeah.
But that wasn't an accent. Do you think that was an accent? Problematic cat.
She's from Canada.

Okay, well, she should have just talked.

She did.

She did.

That's her normal voice.

That's not her normal voice.

Yeah, it is.

That's a fake voice.

Dude, you're digging yourself deeper in this hole.

Admit that's a fake voice.

All right, next up, we have UPFT.

Yes, this is a classic award.

We gave it out last year, and we have a defending champion ready to try to reclaim the crown. This award goes to 19-year-old of the year.
The nominees are Mbappe. He's 19.
Yep. The next nominee is Jason Tatum.
He's 19. Okay, 19.
He's a young 19, too, which is an important distinction. He won't be 20 for at least three more years.
And the third nominee is Christian Plosicic. Yes, also 19.
From the U.S. not women's soccer team, also 19 years old.
Team that lose every big game. And so let's go to our guest.
Whoever could this be to present an award for someone who remains 19 years old for so much longer than everybody than everybody else hey this is perry i was here to announce the takey for 19 year old of the year

and the winner is mbappe for his work in the field of remaining 19 year olds we're so proud

of you and keep up the good work all right who did that one that was me okay so that was uh

perry ellis on the show, recurring guest.

All these people are recurring guests now. Also, shout out to Hank because Hank wanted to do this award too and also had the same idea to get Perry Ellis.
Okay, so you guys split that. You guys split that.
You split that. All right, next up we have trend of the year.
Big year for trends. The nominees are planking,bing eating ass eating tie pods and jerk off clubs let's go to our celebrity hi everyone this is bruno mars the chihuahua who's announced the takey for trend of the year and the winner is the rain city jacks out of seattle just to clarify this is bruno mars the chihuahua okay so that was me yeah uh i initially tried to contact jamal anderson thought that would be appropriate for a uh award given to a place where you can go and jerk off with some bros and just hang out.
But we ended up,

I ended up running out of money,

so to speak to this thing we did.

And so I found Bruno Mars,

the Chihuahua,

and I thought it would be funny to have Bruno Mars,

the Chihuahua talk about the rain city Jacks.

There were a couple of animals that I considered contacting to deliver

words,

but I wasn't sure how that was going to work.

If it was just going to be like a picture or video of the dog,

I wanted to bark at a Bruno Mars. Yeah.
Would have been nice. Yeah.
I was going to do a cow, but. Yeah.
Oh. I didn't.
Were there? Yeah. But it was the same thing.
I didn't know if it was like, I mean, that was kind of bullshit. Yeah.
Well, I mean, Bruno Mars. The Chihuahua.
That's pretty famous. At least like give a bark, dude.
Yeah. Yeah.
No, I agree. Are you allowed to name animals after celebrities then make money off that name? I think so.
That's awesome. I think that's what Bruno Mars.
The Chihuahua just did. What a great loophole.
And like every porn star ever. That's also true.
They're named after animals? Well, they're named after celebrities. Yeah.
Oh, okay. Okay.
PFT. So the next award goes to the category of Invention of the Year.
So what is the best invention of 2018-19?

Well, the nominees are Mike Francesa for Inventing Fantasy Baseball yet again. Yes, so let's put that in there real quick.
I can create a game in 15 minutes for you. Let's say I create a game where you get to pick five players tonight in the major leagues.
and if your five players

based on numeric totals

have better options where you get to pick five players tonight in the major leagues. And if your five players, based on numeric totals,

have better offensive numbers for the night than any other five players,

you win $50,000, and the fee is $10 to get in.

People will buy that.

They'll play it like crazy.

They will play it all night. And the other nominee, wow, I can't believe this, it's Hank for his invention of Lystraquil.
Wow. So let's go to our celebrity presenter and find out who won.
So this was me. Oh, and you're giving it to yourself.
As a celebrity presenter? You're your own celebrity presenter presenting an award to yourself. Yes, I reached out to Nick Coletti.
He was the one that was supposed to be presenting this to me. He did not get back.
So here to announce the winner for Invention of the Year is the winner of the Invention of the Year. Me.
Way to go, Hank. Way to go, Hank.
You did it. Thank you.
Way to go, Hank. Good job.
Hank, have you actually tried Listerquil? Yes. It's in beta.
It's in beta stages right now. We're doing some test trials.
Trying to get it out to the public in the next 6 to 12. Nice.
Get some valuations going. 6 to 12 years? Yeah.
We'll get there. Alright, we're getting close to Blake of the Year, by the way, folks.
We have a few left here. Next up, we have Athlete Chug of the Year.
The nominees are Aaron Rodgers. We just threw that in there because someday hopefully he'll come on the show even though he didn't do a chug and it was disgusting.
Christian Yelich, David Bakhtiari from the Green Bay Packers, and PFT, you were generous enough to say that I should be on there for completely outfading you in my chug during the... That was your exact words.
We're being nice to each other. No, that was your words.
You're like, hey, you outfading me. We're being nice to each other.
I nominated you for the category. I appreciate that.
You just said that I was impressed with your chug. Okay, let's get to the celebrity who's going to tell us who won.
Hey, everyone. Too nice nice again.
Basically, I'm your chugging expert here to announce that take he for chug of the year. And the winner is David Bach T.
Er E. Nailed it.
Got it. Chug up your court side in 2.55 seconds.
Got it. No way.
Was it a point? Oh my god, I wish I was there. I would have said, gang injured.
Jake, you're no joke, bro. I might have to retire.
Shout out, Marge. It's not about you.
Yeah, shout out, Marge. Somebody check on Shoe Nice.
If you don't know Shoe Nice, go YouTube Shoe Nice right now. I didn't know him until like a year and a half, two years ago.
Really? Holy shit. What a great YouTube channel.
Dude can chug glue. Yeah.
Lots of it. He just ingests everything.
He ate like 30 tampons once. It was fucking wild.
Shoe Nice. What a legend.
Legend. Legend of the game.
Got back in one hour. Really? Yeah.
Yeah, Shoe Nice probably didn't have a lot going on. Okay, PFT, you've got the next one.
Yes, this award is for Robot of the Year, and the nominees for the takey are Jason Witten. We all know that he's been quite a robot.
He's back to the league. He sprouted hair, which is kind of not robot-like, but everything that he did from that point forward was decidedly robot.
Yes. The second nominee is VAR, the video assistant review system that FIFA put into place right before the Women's World Cup.
I hated it until I loved it, and now I really love it. It helped me win a lot of bets.
For some reason, VAR just loved me. It's actually really good if you bet the over.
Yes. Because of all the goalkeeping infractions on penalty kicks, things like that.
Yep. It's a great, great thing for the over.
Great robot. The final nominee is Kawhi Leonard for Robot of the Year.
Yes year yes before his little laugh and the winner for robot of the year is var the system i hated before i loved now i'm like fuck it turn it all over to the computer let's do it so who was going to be a celebrity presenter uh i had a couple lined up uh the first was going to be jay cutler okay but not the quarterback the bodybuilder jay cutler um if you if you're not familiar with, just Google Jay Cutler and do an image search. That's the Jay Cutler I was talking about.
And then I reached out to Stitches the Rapper down in Florida. I put that brick in your face.
What are you going to do with it? I'm selling blow. So maybe he will.
Maybe by the time you're listening to this, you heard it. You know what? In retrospect, I sent a project to a guy who's famous for just talking about how how much he loves cocaine yeah so well he should have got it back right away then either immediately or he's dead yeah never again there's no in between with stitches uh speaking of dead we have our second to last award before we get to blake of the year it is the still alive person of the Year.
Huge award.

Big time nominees.

First up, Tommy Lasorda, who is still alive.

And because of our visit with death a couple years ago, I think we deserve a little credit.

We have Penny Marshall, who's still alive in my mind, because I didn't realize she died when I mentioned her on Monday's show.

And then we have... You only died the last time somebody says your name.
Right. So we're keeping your memory around.
Still alive. And then we have the pitchers from the Mets, who the Mets did a 1969 remembrance of the championship team.
They did a montage to the sellout crowd, and it included some passed away members like Gil Hodges and Tug McGraw, and it also included Jim Gosker and pitcher Jesse Hudson, who are still alive. Still alive, people of the year.
So those guys are nominated. Let's go to our celebrity guest, who, by the way, I didn't realize was still alive.
Hey, this is Badass Billy Gunn, former DX member member former wwe superstar and now hall of famer now aw producer i am here to announce the takey i hope i pronounce that right if i didn't i apologize takey for the still alive person of the year and the winner is drum roll something like that. I can't a drum roll so i'm just gonna go like this the winner is tommy lasorda who is very much alive at the taping of this if you're not down with that i've got two words for you suck it love it the ass man billy gunn i made sure to put in that note that as of the taping of this so he's still alive it He is still alive.
And shout out to Tommy Lasorda, our good friend, for being still alive. I don't like the fact that Billy Gunn said that he was a former WWE superstar.
Yeah, always. I feel like you're once and always, right? For life.
For life. All right, last one before we get to Blake of the Year.
Yeah, so that's the last of the celebrity presenters. From now on, it's strictly part of my take.
This is a very important award, inaugural award. This takey is for Doink of the Year.
And the nominees are the first Doink. That was a good Doink.
Really loud. I still think it was going in after the first Doink.
Really loud Doink. I thought it was going in.
Nice little sound off that one. The second nominee for Doink of the Year for 2018-19 is the second doink.
That one I didn't think was going in. That one was a heartbreaker.
Yeah, that one was like, this isn't going in. That was the kill shot.
Yep, the second doink. Double tap.
The winner of the inaugural Doink of the Year award goes to the second doink. That was the one that really made it special.
That was the one. That one deserved to win.
Because if it was just a single doink, that happens all the time. Yeah, yeah, yeah.
Well, sometimes four times in a game. But the second doink really made it really pop.
It did. It did deserve to win the second doink.
Okay. Let's get to the most important award of the year.
It is the Blake of the Year Award. We actually did this a day before to try to throw them off the scent

because the rules were very clear.

We're going to call you at some point this week,

and we didn't want to call them on a day that we taped the show,

so let's do it.

Okay, we have two awards left.

The second to last award is the Blake of the Year Award.

This is probably the biggest award that we do every year.

Well, listeners of the Year Award, but yes.

I mean, this is a big one, though.

Yes, it's a big one.

This is a huge one.

Now, Blake Bortles is two-time champion.

No, one time.

Back-to-back.

We'll be right back. award that we do every year.
Well, listeners of the year award, but yes. I mean, this is a big one, though.
Yes, it's a big one. This is a huge one.
Now, Blake Bortles is two-time champion. No, one time.
Back-to-back. Well, by default, he won Blake of the Year.
When? The first year of the takeies. Did we give it out? By default, he won.
Okay, I think we should only give him one. I think we should only give him one.
He didn't officially win the win. He's got one.
He's trying to defend his crown. He was running unopposed last year, though.
No, two years ago. Two years ago.
Yes, so Blake Bortles is the defending champion for Blake of the Year. We are going to do it exactly like we did it last year.
It is, I call each Blake. PFT has the stopwatch in his hands.
The minute he hears a dial tone or a ringtone, he starts the stopwatch. The minute we hear the Blake answer and say a word, we stop it and we will then calculate all the results from the three Blakes and then call back each Blake and get their thoughts on the competition.
And again, we have Blake Bortles, Blake Griffin, and Blake Koepka. Okay, now before we get into it, do we want to put some money on it i think that'd be fun have a little side bet going okay uh so i tell you what or a cat i feel like or maybe a cat is the one that's made i don't i don't i think me and you might have to big cat's the one calling what does that have to do with this you never know fix the book no he's not gonna fix you're so woke on like every bet that i've made.
Okay, you guys make a bet. Okay, here's the bet.
You two make a bet. Tell you what.
Hank and PFT, bet. I bet it's going to be...
I got Bortles. I got Brooks.
20 bucks. You do? You're going with a South African champion.
All right, so I have Blake Griffin. 20 bucks? What does the winner get? Oh, 20 bucks.
Cash app. Everyone goes in $20.
Cash app. Perfect.
Okay. Let's go.

How should we decide who gets to call first?

I guess it doesn't really matter.

Let's see.

Jake, you decide.

I think it should go seniority.

So it should go Brooks has to get called first, then Blake Griffin because he hasn't won yet,

then Blake Bortles.

Okay.

All right.

Hang on.

Let me get the stopwatch set up.

Okay.

We're good.

Brooks going.

Okay.

Let me see. Thiswatch set up.
Okay, we're good. Let me get Brooks going.
Okay. Let me see.

This is nerve-wracking.

Okay.

Let me know when you hit send so I can be ready to listen.

Okay.

I am hitting the call button right now, but you're not hitting it until you hear.

Okay.

All right.

This is Brooks Koepka, Blake of the Year nominee number one. Whoa, that was good.
That was great. Okay, Blake.
Blake, excuse me, Blake. You just answered in 7.9 seconds.
You were the first one that we called. Well, we'll see.
I'll call you back because we're now going to call the other Blakes and we'll let you know if you won. That's going to be tough to beat.
That's going to be tough to beat. Holy shit.
I love the fact that I was looking at my phone at this point. Oh, fuck.
You were the long shot. We'll call you back.
We'll get it and we'll call you back. We'll let you know.
Okay. All right, 7.9 seconds.
Holy shit. Let me jot that down.
I didn't expect that. That is cool.
I did not expect that. Damn.
You know what, though? Like, Brooks shows up for major tournaments. He does.
This is a big competition. This will be...
If this was Blake of the month, he would have sent it directly to his machine. I'm going to say it right now.
I don't think Blake Griffin will be able to recover if he loses Blake of the year to Brooks Brooks I really don't think he will be able to recover okay oh my god I did not expect that 7.9 seconds wow okay all right so now we got Blake Griffin now this one there's been reports reports. We'll talk to him afterwards.
There's been reports that he is very nervous about this. Oh, he's extremely nervous.
He was getting chirped at the foul line this year. He was getting chirped at the foul line.
He said to me that every time he goes into a parking garage or an elevator, he has a panic attack because it's been two days since we told him they were going to call. I mean, for the next year, if he loses again, everybody is just going to be saying to him, like, tough break on Blake of the year again.
Dude, I'm nervous for him. I'm legit nervous for him.
He could become the Buffalo Bills of Blake's. Oh, my God.
Okay, here we go. All right, ready? All right, I am getting the call set up.
Tell me when you hit send. And I'll listen.
I'm hitting holy shit oh my god 2.8 seconds oh my god all right we'll call you back but as of right now you are in the lead brooks kapka picked up in 7.9 seconds which was incredible that was that water performance no no you picked up in 2.8 brooks kapka picked up in 7.9 we're like that's gonna be tough to beat holy shit all right we'll call you back okay oh my god okay all right he's got to be i think that was the relief of not having to hold his phone for the entire red next two days. Holy shit.
Okay. Now, if Blake Bortles wins this, it will be the greatest performance of all time.
This would be legendary stuff. I am nervous.
This is his Hall of Fame moment if he's able to rise above this competition. And if he doesn't pick up, he's going to be – he will be like the Toronto Raptors,

that one year a team just won out of randomly,

and we look back in history and we're like,

oh, remember when Bortles won it?

He'll be an also-ran, yeah.

Okay, you ready?

Yep.

Okay, here we go.

The call is being placed.

What's the problem?

It's just sitting there saying calling mobile. Oh, no.
We have a new Blake of the Air. Wow.
If he doesn't even pick up. The wireless customer you are calling is not available.
Please try again later on let me just double check because there he did change his phone number nope that's his oh unbelievable big time choke job out of blake what a choker did he ignore you he might he might have sent him to the machine it just went no i mean i'll try again right now let's let's see again just to uh Hold on, let's wait till... They've him to the machine.
It just went. No.
I mean, I'll try again right now. Let's see again.

Just to.

Hold on, Lise.

They've already started the parade.

They've already started the parade.

Let's try one more time just to make sure he's okay.

There actually should be a parade for Blake in the air. Do you think there was anything weird that happened there?

Because it said the call.

Yeah, the answering machine sounded a little generic to me.

And it took so long to ring.

Should we give him another shot, Hank?

But now he's expecting it. Let's just see.
Let's just time this one and see. It's going.
Something's up with his phone right now. He might be on a plane.
He might be in the Tesla. There's something up with his phone this is devastating not surprised the boat devastating i don't know what's up with his phone i mean i think he's just not picking up although that's not an answer that's only like three rings there's no way blake has an answer was that two rings it's only two rings that goes the machine which tells me that that's only like three rings.
Well, there's no way Blake has an answering machine. Was that two rings? It's only two rings that goes to the machine, which tells me that that's not a normal phone that we're getting through to.
Oof. Now, do we have, is this like a, are people going to say that something was afoot? We have to have this be a good competition.
Did Blake Griffin sabotage Blake Bortles' phone?

Should we call it?

I don't know if we can call it officially.

Can you text Blake?

This is like after a Kentucky Derby.

You gotta go back and check the

tape to confirm. Yeah, what is it called?

What was it called at the Derby?

This is... What?

Objection. This is...
No, it's

an inquiry. Inquiry.
Yeah, it's not an objection yet.

It's an inquiry into

Blake Bortles' phone number.

I don't know. This is...
What? Objection. This is...
No, it's an inquiry. Inquiry.
Yeah, it's not an objection yet.

It's an inquiry into Blake Bortles' phone number.

I don't know what to say.

I really don't know what to say. When was the last time you called him?

Should we call Jared and see if he's with him?

Yeah.

Okay.

Maybe let's count Jared as Blake of the Year.

Maybe Jared will win Blake of the Year.

Okay, hold on.

All right. Here we go jared blake griffin what a performance hello hey are you with blake right now no damn he lost blake of the year do you know if there's anything wrong with his phone oh i don't he lost it right now yeah he just lost it i just tried to call him and he didn't pick up twice and blake griffin picked up in two seconds don't don't tweet anything out about it yet though because i don't think you we're not releasing the results until friday yeah don't hey please don't go and tell espn at the espies on the red our Blake of the Year award.
There's an embargo. Well, he was just texting me a minute ago.
Jesus. This is devastating.
You know what? We are clearly showing a little bias here because we're giving him every shot, but I think he lost. I think he lost.
There was just something fishy. It's his own fault.
Yeah. Have you tried to call his phone, and does it go to the wireless customer? It's not available right now.

Probably.

He might be working out too. I'll give him the benefit of that.

He could be working out.

That's not an excuse.

I'm also not buying it.

Yeah, that's also not an excuse.

Thank you, Jared. We'll try to track him down.
Hopefully he's okay.

I hope he's okay too.

I heard from him about an hour ago.

But who knows? We'll talk to you later man jared unbelievable all right so i guess that's it i think we have to call it yep that's it i don't think there's i think the only explanation is he could possibly be in a no cell area right still that's his fault we'll try one last time this doesn even count, but we'll try one last time just to talk to him. No, yes.
Something's up with it because all the other calls, even Jared's call, went straight through. His phone, he lost it.
He lost. Blake Bortles has lost Blake of the year.
Unbelievable. An award named after him.
Stunning. Wow.
You know what? You hate to see dynasties in, but like we talked about with the Warriors earlier this year, this is when it happens. It's like when you least expect it, when they're at the peak of their powers, you know, one little thing goes wrong and next thing you know, it's over.
And all we have to do is look back and think about what might have been. Yeah.
so what we'll do now is we're going to call the winner and the runner-up back. Poor Brooks right now.
Yeah, that was great showing. You guys really gassed him up.
We did. I mean, 7.9 was good.
It was a good showing. We didn't expect it.
I'm very excited. I'm already looking forward to next year.
Especially for a newcomer. You know what, though? Good for Blake Griffin.
Oh, he earned it. He earned it.
He deserved it. He put in the time this offseason.
Bortles, he has his championship that he can look on on his mantle. He's always going to have that.
Can't take it away. Banners fly forever.
Overall, I think this was a great competition. Great competition.
Hello? Blake. Blake Griffin.
Yes. It is our pleasure to award you the 2019 Blake of the Year Award.
Congratulations, buddy. What a performance.
What a performance. You answered in 2.2? 2.2 seconds? It was 2.8 seconds.
2.8 seconds. And Brooks Koepka answered in 7.9 seconds, and Blake Bortles, in an absolute stunner, did not answer.
Oh, wow, the pressure was too big, huh? Yeah. The moment was pretty solid.
Yeah, so we know that you put in the work this offseason. You were ready for it.
You had contingency plans in place just in case you were at a spot where you didn't have your phone in your hand um would you like you know would you like to say any words or uh thank us for giving you this this uh dubious honor um gosh i i didn't prepare like a speech or anything um first off i'd like to thank uh my family uh for believing me this whole time i uh you know obviously there's been a lot a lot of ups and downs and a lot of a lot of naysayers a lot of haters but um you know somehow we made it here and um i don't know man i i'm gonna lost the word you know now do you know which family member gave you the name blake uh i believe it was my Okay Okay. Okay, shout out, Mom.
I mean, listen, Mom, if you're listening, you're the real B-O-T-Y. Yes, that's true.
You are the real Blake of the Year. Blake, in discussing Blake of the Year, you were saying that you were making sure everything was set, you were not leaving anything to chance.
Can you talk us through the process that you went through this week to make sure that you were the winner of Blake of the Year? Yeah, you know, Monday morning when I was notified, I just kind of quickly put in a plan of action. I showered with my phone every day.
I actually hired somebody to hold my phone during workouts and be ready to answer and yell at me so I could sprint over. Yeah, how much did you pay that person? Well, we actually haven't figured it out yet.
I'll probably end up getting some Jordan gear or something like that. Oh, get lost in the mail? Give it to him.
Yeah, exactly. I'm sure he'll get there next year.
I think I actually, I'm tracking down you guys' stuff. But, yeah, he was in charge of my phone during workouts.
Shout out, Patrick. You know, the rest of the day was kind of on me.
But like I said, I showered with my phone. It's been on loud this whole time.
I've annoyed everybody because my ringer keeps going off. But, I mean, at the end it's worth it you know what I mean after missing out last year because I was serving our country you know good things happen to good people I guess well and it was an amazing performance might I add 2.2 seconds we were in shock we thought Brooks Koepka had it one was 2.8 with 7.9 when you got the call what happened those 2.8 seconds? What was going through your head? I mean, as soon as I saw Big Cat's name on the screen, I hit accept.
I'm actually just finished the workout, so my phone was still connected to the speaker. So I quickly had to switch the audio over to speakerphone.
That could have cost you. Yeah, I mean, it did.

I probably could have shaved a couple seconds off or maybe a second off if I hadn't had to do that.

But, you know, whatever.

We're here.

What a performance.

Very proud of you.

Yes.

So you can't announce it until we announce it on Friday,

but congratulations again.

Blake of the Year to you. Fantastic work.
And I think we're going to see you in a couple weeks, right? You're going to be in New York City? I'll be there Sunday night. Oh, you know what? We'll throw a parade for you.
Yeah, we'll have a parade. We'll do Canyons of Heroes, and we'll have a parade for you for Blake of the Year.
Great. I'm looking forward to it.
Thank you guys for giving me another chance. I don't know it's like i said i don't know what to say yeah you're lost for words hey listen all i'm gonna say is enjoy this blake but just so you know next year's coming and there will be some hungry blakes that will be looking to take back the title so have fun maybe in the moment take it all in but there will be yeah yeah well i'm gonna i'm gonna celebrate tonight but 364 more days until next next week Save the moment.
Save the moment. Take it all in.
But there will be – I will. Yeah.

I will.

I'm going to celebrate tonight, but 364 more days until next Blake of the Year.

That's right.

Eyes on the prize.

Yes.

All right, Blake.

We'll talk to you later, man.

All right, Les.

Thanks.

Hello?

Brooks.

What up?

Brooks. Brooks.

It pains us to inform you that you finished in second place for the 2019 Blake of the Year Award.

Second out of third, so not bad.

Alright, not too bad. Not too bad for a first-timer.

No, actually, we'll tell you exactly how it went down.

You got the first call. You answered in 7.8 seconds, which we thought was fantastic.

We were gassing you up. We thought it wasn't going to be beat.
We called Blake Griffin next. He answered in 2.8 seconds.
And so he did kind of wipe the floor with you. I mean, he set a course record.
Yeah, he did. It's never been done that quickly.
But walk us through your first time competing in Blake of the Year and the emotions you're going through knowing that you did not in fact win blake of the year i'm actually quite pissed right now i'm actually pissed yeah it's set in i literally had my phone i literally had my phone in my hand about 10 seconds before that oh where was your phone when we called it was i was just chilling in bed and it was laying next to me oh no sliding doors moment yeah i'm starting to think cell phone service might no because we started the clock once it started to ring yeah so the connecting part wasn't an issue now i'll give you a little consolation prize here you are the first inaugural winner of the south african lake of the year award yes so you do get a takey for that. I did win something, I guess.

So, yeah, I mean, I can tell you when we first broke the news to you,

you were happy that you were just, you know, second out of third.

But now that it's set in that you were that close,

it's got to be painful because this is an important, you know, event.

And you won't have a chance to compete in it again until next year.

I know.

I've got to wait a whole year.

Yep. A whole year.
But I did get smoked, which I'm actually quite pissed at. Yes, smoked.
Absolutely smoked. Big time, not even close.
No. Now, would you be more upset, though, if you had lost, if you had put together a great performance and you had picked up in three seconds flat and gotten beat by .2 seconds, wouldn't that sting a little bit more than getting just blown out of the water? Yeah, absolutely.
Yeah, if you're going to get beat, you might as well just get lapped. Yeah.
Because there's nothing worse than getting your heart ripped out. It's a bad beat, man, like last second buzzer beater.
Yeah, you were waiting after the 18th green to see how Blake Griffin was going to finish, and it turns out he shot an eagle. Yeah, you had no chance.

Do you have any strategies going forward next year's competition?

Are you going to maybe look at how you dealt with this year's competition and try to figure out a way to win this?

I mean, it's a tough, tough award to win.

Blake Griffin went to lengths.

He had a kid holding his phone while he was training all week.

Yeah, that's what I'm thinking.

I think I just need to hire someone to hold my phone and answer every call now i think that's the way forward yes i will stay behind the scenes just so that you know next year we're counting it on when you say hello so if so if somebody else picks up the phone says hi that isn't a blake that doesn't count as as the end of stopwatch. So it has to be you.
Yeah, I mean, this kid that I hire next year is going to have to be standing within a step of me everywhere I go. Yeah.
Or he could just have a Blake Koepka soundboard queued up on his computer. Yeah, hello, hello.
That's true. So, Blake slash Brooks, one last question from me.
We're not going to release this until Friday, so don't say anything. Don't tell anyone that you finished second in Blake of the Year.
But when we do release it and Brandlis Chambliss finds out, what do you think his reaction is going to be? He's going to be pumped. He's got to be.
I mean, I'm a loser. It's a big-time told-you-so moment for Brundle this year.
Brandy the Chamby. Also, shout-out to you for getting your new logo, which you promised us.
Awesome-looking logo. Very nice.
Yeah. Is it good? I get the approval? You get the approval.
The old one is gone. It's a new Brooks Koepka, Blake Koepka.
And, you know, unfortunately, you've never won anything with this new logo, but maybe next year. Yeah, yeah.
Good luck at the ESPYs tonight, too. Are you at the ESPYs? Yeah, I'm at the ESPYs.
Oh, shit. I wouldn't get my hopes up.
The people, the talent scouts over at ESPN, they don't know shit. So don't worry about that.
Wait, do you think you're going to win? I'm definitely not going to win golfer of the year. What are you up for? Athlete of the year and golfer of the year.
I got a better chance of winning athlete of the year than I do golfer of the year because Tiger Woods. Okay.
I'm going to throw this out there. If you win any award and you say, I first want to thank part of my take, subscribe and unsubscribe right now we might have to reconsider blake of the year yeah yeah just gonna throw that out there you can still win it i think honestly i think that yeah that might be that might trump all yeah listen i'm gonna have to go to the committee with that because that's clearly extenuating circumstances uh i think man.
I think Blake will get a tattoo of our logo on his face.

I think if I win male athlete and I walk on stage and just say that and walk off,

that's the ultimate mic drop right there.

You'd win.

That's a six-second subtraction from your time.

Yes.

Oh, at least, yeah.

Okay, well, just food for thought.

Have fun tonight, and hopefully we'll see you soon, man. All right, sounds good.
Later, boys. All right, thanks.
Thanks, Brooks. Later.
Okay, I've gotten word from Blake Bortles. What did he say? Here.
Like an hour later. Hello? Blake, it's over.
Yep. I regret regret to inform you you finished in third place for the 2019 it does that's it we ran it we called it rang and unfortunately blake when you listen to the tape we wanted to give you every chance to defend your title we i think we showed a little bit of our bias which is not going to sit well with the other blakes but i texted i didn't get a text back for like 20 minutes are you okay yeah hey can you hear me yeah are you are you okay yeah no i'm at riv'm at Riviera, and I have no service.
They don't have phones in there, so, yeah, I was fucked. That's tough.
That counts, so I was ready. That's kind of an excuse.
That's kind of interesting that Blake Bortles was on the golf course and Blake Kepka was just chilling at home in his bed. Interesting.
Is that a little warm? No, he came in second. Blake Kepka picked up the phone in 7.8 seconds.
Blake Griffin picked up the phone in 2.8 seconds. God, dude.
You know, I've had my phone on loud, and I've been working out the different things I do in the weight room. I take my phone and set it down next to me.
So, like, I've been ready. Yeah, I sensed a little bit of animosity in your voice when you thought that Blake Koepka had won the award.
Would you have been upset if a newcomer had won? Yeah. I mean, nobody likes the new kid on the block winning.
I mean, I guess some people do. Like, I'm a fan of watching Tiger continue to win, you know? Ooh, shots fired in the Blake community.
Wow. I like this.
Rivalry is good for the game. Yes.
No. Koepka's in.
So what are you going to do? I mean, our thought was that you got a little comfortable with the title. You thought the Blake of the year was going to last forever, and you were just going to keep winning it year after year, and then boom, you don't even pick up.
You know, I think it's just a minor setback for a big comeback, similar to my career. So, you know, that's kind of what I'm hoping for.
Hell yes, that's true. That is true.
I mean, again, when you listened to the tape, we showed our bias. We wanted you to win.
We were rooting for a back-to-back Blake of the year. Would have been dynasty talk.
That's always good for ratings. Yeah, always good.
But there's nothing better than just a good back-and-forth rivalry, though. True.
You know what? If this was a seven-Blake series, I feel like you would take four out of seven. Yeah, everybody lays an egg.
Next year's going to be intense knowing that it's all squared up with the Blakes and Brooks is a newcomer. Right.
Brooks has definitely got to get on the board. But I'm surprised at that.
What was it, 2.7 seconds? 2.8. 2.8 real quick.
Incredible. 2.8 seconds.
Yeah. What fun.
He was on it. He was practicing all week.
He had a kid hold his phone while he was training. Oh, dude, Jesus.
Hey, I'm sorry I let you guys down. That's okay.
It's okay. Are you at least shooting well today? No, I was actually in the bar drinking, and then we're headed out to play now.
All right, we'll hit him straight, all right? All right, talk to you guys later. All right, later.
I like how Jared really tried to set him up. He's probably working out.
Yeah, he's doing 12-ounce curls. Dude, he texted me, he's like, you're blowing it, Blake, you're blowing it.
I think there was a huge amount of our fans that were rooting for the back-to-back title, the Dynasty talk. There's murmurs of it.
But Blake Griffin, again, he deserves it because that was an incredible performance. Now, it'll be interesting as the show progresses and we get more Blakes involved.
Are we going to team up, Blake? Are there going to be super teams, big threes of Blake's be interesting yeah if we just do call all three and they all have to we do an aggregate time yeah maybe a home and away aggregate yeah you know champions league i like that scoring um but yeah so credit to blake griffin blake of the year 2019 what a performance well deserved blake well deserved blakes all around Bortles, not really. I can't be mad at him.
Okay, that's our show. Thank you guys for listening, as always.
Listening all the way through the end. It's always great to see our fans interact with these type of shows.
It means a lot, honestly, that you guys stick around and you see everything through, especially these long shows. I know they can drag on sometimes, but it's important because the biggest awards are always at the very end.

So thank you guys for listening all the way through.

And we'll see you Monday.

I think we got Doug Marone and Ice Cube.

There we go.

All right.

Love you guys. Take care.
you think we forgot do you actually think we forgot shame on you for thinking that we forgot? Do you actually think we forgot? Shame on you for thinking that we forgot about you. Of course you won award-winning listeners of the year.
Three-peat. Three-peat.
That's a dynasty. That is now officially a dynasty for the award-winning listeners out there.
I know the Daddy Gang, there was a lot of buzz about them going into this year. But we're going to stick it.
Listen, no question about it, head and shoulders above all other podcast listeners. Just when you hold up the three, make sure you do it with the American way.
This way, otherwise you won't be allowed in Wrigley Field anymore. Also, if you're listening, let's let people sweat it a little bit.
If people got mad, we want to see. We want the people that didn't listen all the way through to show themselves.
Yes, and permission to go there. But this obviously started as a joke that we gave out an award-winning listener of the year.
But we actually do think that you guys are the best listeners in the world. So you do deserve this award.
And we actually do very much love you. I know that PFT says it every show.
But I'm going to say it right now. I love you guys too.
And thank you for always supporting us and listening. And congrats.
Get drunk all weekend. You have permission from us.
Get fucked up. You know what we should do? Let's do one of those things like when Andy Reid writes a note on a Thursday night game to the entire city of Kansas.
What is it? Kansas City to get out of work early. Sorry, I've had a full pounder of Bud Light here.

Yes.

Play this for your boss on Monday morning.

Play this for your boss,

and we're going to write a letter

saying that you have our permission

to duck out early on Friday

and get wasted all weekend.

Yes.

Love you guys.

See you guys Monday.

Love you, love you, love you.

Love you.

Love you.

Hank, are you going to say it?

Love you guys.