Comedian Jeff Ross + Chris Long For Episode 500

Hey, Pardon My Take listeners, you can find every episode on Apple Podcasts, Spotify, or YouTube. Prime members can listen ad-free on Amazon Music.
On today's Pardon My Take, the 500th episode. Number 500.
What is that in Spanish? Cinquenta y tres. Cinquenta y tres.
Well, it's the 500th episode. 500.
500. We've made it.
I don't know how we've made it. We're going to talk a little bit about that.
We're going to talk about NBA Finals first. We have comedy roast master Jeff Ross.
Hilarious story he tells us about his prank war with Cousin Sal, which he still is like, to this day, a little like scars there. Tom Cruise actually fixed it for him, so he tells that whole crazy story.
We have the first... Quinentos.
Quinentos. You Googled it? No, I just remember.
Yeah, okay, you Googled that. We have the first...
Bubba's just shaking his head like, bro, you just Googled that. I have a good memory.
We have the first ever Part of My Take guest, Chris Long, back on for fastest or best four minutes. Four good minutes.
Four good minutes. Four good minutes.
Yeah, that was for the first show or the second show if you're counting. We tried that and it filled spectacularly.
So we have all that, a packed Friday show for you. We're going to get right back to the show.
Evergreens are the backbone of every attractive landscape and you can trust Proven Winners Color Choice shrubs for easy care, year-round beauty. From the irresistibly tidy and round tater tot arborvitae to the classic good looks of sprinter boxwood to the colorful perfectimundo azaleas, you'll find a Proven Winners Evergreen for every taste and every space.

Look for them in the distinctive white containers at your local garden center, or learn more at ProvenWinnersColorChoice.com. All right, back to part of my take.
Okay, let's go. Boy! Boy! Now in the street there is violence

And I know We'll be it higher. Oh, we're gonna rock down to Electric Avenue.
It's Part of My Take, presented by Barstool Sports. Welcome to Part of My Take, presented by the Cash App.
Go download it right now and put in the code BARSTOOL and you get $5 to the ASPCA.

Today is Fri-yay, May 31st.

And it's our 500th episode.

Yay.

We'll get to that in a minute.

The more important news, Kevin Durant's got to be feeling real good right now.

Very conflicted, Kevin Durant.

Real good.

And I'll jump right into the Skip Bayless takes.

That sound you hear is Kevin Dur durant's calf magically healing healing itself so um i guess skip bayless can hear muscle fibers just weaving themselves yeah so kevin durant got us got to look at that game and be like hey maybe you do need me because we finally have a uh we have a new nba finals and we have a finals that looks like it might be a series because the Raptors, we the North, shout out all the people at Jurassic Park that were there from like 10 a.m. on.
The Raptors win game one and... 10 a.m.
It was more like 3 a.m. It was crazy.
They all took the day off. It was crazy.
Does Canada get Thursdays off? When the Raptors make it to the NBA Finals, you get every single day off in Canada. I like it.
So the Raptors win. Pascal Siakam was insane.
Kawhi was Kawhi. And the Warriors have to basically...
I was actually very impressed by the Raptors' defense, and the Warriors now have to say, ooh, hopefully Kevin Durant will come back, or most likely they'll just become the Warriors again and probably win the rest of the series. So they didn't shoot very well.
They shot like 33% or something from the field. Not great for the Warriors.
That's probably not going to last. And it's one of those circumstances where it's like, hey, if we're going to get beat by Marc Gasol, Siakam.
Marc Titus, yeah. Marc Titus, Gasol, Fred Van Skeet shooting ropes.
Dude, Fred Van Skeet is awesome now. He is very, very, he's good.
After he he had the kid Do you know what he has too? A child No, he also has a booty Fred Van Vliet's got a little junk in the caboose He's one of those guys that He'll do that dribble up And he can kind of box you out like 40 feet from the basket A little P.J. Tucker action going on with him It's nice good.
The Warriors, the thing about the Warriors is they're never out of it. So even when they were down by 11 points in the fourth quarter, I was like, Hank, we got this.
Because me and Hank made some basic bitch bets tonight, and I just took the Warriors straight up. I was like, Warriors, wait, the Warriors are good, and the Raptors, they lose in the playoffs.
I bet on the Raptors. Shout out Toronto, because I know they think we've been dogging them all uh postseason which we kind of have but whatever the raptors hold court on game one drake was all over the place it is the drake series they even had a sit down i think with adam silver good by the way like i i think drake's kind of annoying but it's still good for an nba finals where it's like you get to see him reacting.
He might be banned because he touched Steph Curry. He picked something off of his hair, and he then wrote on Instagram, Steph Curry hair lint for sale on my eBay right now.
Username Draymond shouldn't wear 23. He mean-mugged him on the way out, got in Draymond's face on the way out.
I think Drake, when heke when he touches nick nurse it's weird but this stuff i kind of like yeah that's what i was saying going into the series it's good to have drake stirring shit up on the sideline i need drake more involved i need him in the post game i need him like answering questions he wore the team he wore del curry's raptor jersey i want this league i want to see him with his illegitimate child like Riley Curry on his lap. Yep.
Both answering questions together. He takes the Petty Wars to like the final level.
This is the final boss of this league slash Petty Wars. That was Pusha T, right? That said he had the illegitimate kid that he wouldn't acknowledge.
Yeah, we don't talk about that. Did he? He didn't respond to it.
We squashed it. We squashed it.
We squashed it. Yeah.
Bless up. We also had the classic rest versus rust rust wins so the warriors did look rusty in the first quarter i think they scored the the fewest points they'd had in a quarter uh in the first quarter of these finals this playoffs so they looked rusty coming in boogie cousins made a couple appearances and i don't i mean if we're sitting here right now like hey who do you still think's gonna win the series i obviously still think it's gonna be the warriors but i'm just excited that it's going to at least go five and we at least push that bet hank of the how many more nba games are there going to be i think it will go six at least um so credit to the raptors i still don't think anybody can beat the bucks credit to the right yeah yannis monster I don't think so.
Credit to the Raptors for showing up. We the North.
And one last thing on the game from me real quick. Toronto's victory was a total team effort.
Kawhi scored 23 and Fred Van Vliet scored 15 off the bench. As a team, they played outstanding defense.
Thanks, Magic. He's so good, man.
Magic is really, really good. He's so fucking good.
So we were watching it, and the Raptors maintained a pretty healthy lead. They kept some distance throughout basically the entire game.
Once or twice, the Warriors got within five or six points. Yeah.
But it was a pretty healthy lead, and I asked you, I said, do you think that if it was the four of us, me, you, Hank, Bubba, and we'll throw in— Let's throw Mark Titus. Mark Titus.
No, we can't put Mark Titus in here. We have to have a bad basketball player.
Okay, let's throw in Russillo. So let's say Mark Titus now.
No, Russillo now. Russillo? Yeah, he's pretty bad.
He's pretty bad. So if it was the five of us and we had a 100-point lead against the Golden State Warriors at the start of the fourth quarter, could we hold him off? Yes.
I don't think so. Absolutely.
We wouldn't be able to dribble. Five fouls each? What? So you're saying to just waste time? That's not enough fouls.
Wait, but we'd have to get the ball in. Yeah.
We'd have to inbound. I don't think I could inbound the ball.
I don't think we could inbound the ball. I could bring it up.
Just throw alley-oop. I do.
Oh, hey, you think you could bring it up? Hey, I was doing the math. I was crunching the math.
How long we could just keep getting eight seconds and then having them get the ball back and shoot right away, and I think they would probably still win. No, easy.
We win by 30. Yeah, I think what we'd have to do is just foul a shitload, but the problem is that stops the clock.
Yeah, I just don't. I think we would still lose, and it would be hilarious how bad we would look because I don't think we'd get the ball in half the time.
I mean, I'd get at least a couple dunks in there. Just throw the ball.
I was saying the strategy would be to just throw the ball to half court and try to get a hand on it. Basically play Hail Mary game where we try to get a hand on it and then just let chaos ensue and hope that that takes enough time over time to waste the clock.
You know what we do? We just have Rusillo throw the ball full court, aim for the backboard on the other end of the court. Who knows where the ball is going to bounce after that.
That wastes at least a couple seconds. I don't think it starts, though, until someone touches the ball.
Not even if it hits the backboard? I don't know the exact rule. I'm pretty sure you have to actually touch the ball for the clock to start.
Okay, we need to actually figure this out. Because I don't think that's ever been done either.

I think his arm would get tired.

I actually don't think he'd be able to do that. Yeah, he doesn't really work out as much anymore.

Yeah, so I'm saying we'd probably still lose.

Hank, you think your handles are sick enough to cross up Klay?

And his passing.

We don't need to pass.

Think about the matchup.

Think about the matchup. Steph Curry would be on PFT.
Definitely. Klay.
And his passing. We don't need to pass.
Think about the matchup. Think about the matchup.

Steph Curry would be on PFT.

Definitely.

Klay would be on you.

Okay?

Liam would probably have Iggy.

I'd have Draymond on me.

Or no, probably Draymond on Rosillo.

That's what you do.

You just have to get inside Draymond's head a little bit.

Maybe actually, if I was...

Actually, you know what?

Mismatch.

Kevon Looney, I would take him down. So you're right.
Just get it to me In the low post It'd be good fundamental drill Moving without the ball I actually do think I'm stronger Than Steph Curry I could box Steph Curry out No Yes Dude he's like 8 inches taller He's 6 feet tall He's 6'3 I'm 5'9 and a half He's 6'3 So he's like It's not about who's the tallest It's about who's the the lowest. That's right.
I've got a much bigger ass.

I've seen Aisha's ass.

I don't think you guys know.

Steph does not know how to handle an ass like mine.

I think you guys are thinking we could just throw the ball in and not dribble.

And just run around.

No, we would.

Hope they don't call travels.

The key factor is 100 points in 12 minutes.

Yeah, I mean, it's a lot of points.

But they would just basically play four on.

They would just cover everyone and have Steph just stand at the corner three and they'd steal it, throw it to him, swish. Steal it, throw it to him, swish.
If he traded Rosillo for Dele, he's a warrior killer. Oh, then we're fine.
He's a fucking warrior slayer. We're great.
They'd put everyone on him and we would just feast. So, yeah, this is going to be, I mean, I'm excited for like this series now because of what the raptors did so they need kevin durant back i i'm gonna say it i'm gonna say kevin durant you gotta come back man something to keep an eye on iggy might be hurt oh yeah our world injured iggy is iggy is like sean lee he's always a various state of hurt he's teetering on the edge yeah once you get to a certain age it not like, is he hurt? It's just like, can he get to like 75%? I did like the vest that he was wearing tonight, though.
Yeah. It looked like the Kool-Aid man fucked a bottle of Tang.
Absurd. He basically went to Goodwill and found the most ripped up sweater and then ripped it up more.
I said it looked like the couch from Snick. Hand up.
That's not a great take. It looked more like the couch from The Wire.
Oh, yeah. Yeah.
Nice little orange. Yeah.
Yeah, it was a very... He looked like he was old school Tom Jackson Broncos.
Yeah, and it had a little slit. Just a little tiny slit for him to stick his head through.
Like a poncho, yeah. Yeah, it kind of looked like...
If you took the couch from the... If you made a fleshlight out of the couch from The Wire, that's what what it looked like it looked like the sweater that you put on if you just smoke like out of a bong for four days straight never leave your house and then someone rings your doorbell yeah and you're like oh shit i gotta get dressed real quick yeah and your dick's just hanging out the bottom you know what it is it's the classic i'm hung over on my couch all day saturday and then the delivery guy came the chinese delivery guys at the door it's your zach efron meets sean Payton kind of close I have to cover myself up with whatever's available yeah a little callback there um so we have a series the Stanley Cup final we also have a series the Blues have won their first Stanley Cup final game in the history of their organization they're 1-13 all time and that listen I know Blues fans will say I'm being mean right now i'm just stating facts credit to you 1 in 13 all time that's impressive i lay le bleu want to know in the last one it's pretty good yeah are you worried hank no no not at all not not even a little bit not even enough to like watch the games what do you mean did you watch the game last night? I was living and dying.
It was a good game.

It was fucking physical as shit. And the third period, I know I'm not obviously a diehard hockey fan, but third period tie game is as heart-stopping as it can get for sports.
There is nothing like a Stanley Cup final or a playoff hockey late third tied game pipe. when it hits the pipe

it's like that is

time stands still for a minute yeah or a breakaway or like yeah an odd man rushing it's just time stands still though when you have that pipe and you're just like oh fuck overtime hockey just sucks ass if you're rooting for one of the teams yeah it is awful even though even though there is like that feeling of like you have super anxiety when it's tied in the third period, and then you have that slight moment of taking a deep breath when it goes into overtime, but then you're like, oh, fuck. Yeah.
Now it's overtime again. Yeah, now you're right back into it.
I think I'm rooting for St. Louis, and here's why.
I want to see what new kinds of fucked up food and celebrations St. Louis does that I don't know about yet, because I learned something new about the St.
Louis culinary tradition every year, whether it's their pizza, which my understanding is like saltine cracker with ketchup and then like a lunchable cheddar, or not cheddar, whatever the yellow American cheese. In the sun for a little bit too.
You just leave it outside on your driveway for about eight hours, and that's their pizza. Be nice to St.
Louis. They won their first Stanley Cup final.
Listen, I'm rooting for them because I want to see what kind of weird traditions they get. Yeah.
Yeah. Or the cutting the bagels.
Top-wise. Top-wise? Yeah.
I don't even know what to fucking call that. Yeah.
What do you say, Hank? No. I mean, they just got Panera stolen from them, but they're in denial about that one.
Well, they still call it St. Louis.
And the Rams, too. That's what I'm saying.
Yeah. Bread company.
But it's not. Either way, that's going to be...
That's a good series. I mean, that's...
Like, it's not Panera. I mean, it's not St.
Louis Bread Company. Well, it is in St.
Louis. Oh, really? It's a regional thing, yeah.
Outside the city walls. They still have that on the restaurants.
They just knew that if they called it St. Louis outside of St.
Louis, everybody would be like, I'm not eating at the St. Louis restaurant.
Right, right. They tried that with Skyline Chili, but it didn't take on.
It used to just be Cincinnati Diarrhea. And then they were like, let's try to make some mouse.
No, it was called Skyline Diarrhea. Yeah.
Now they're like, hey, let's just call it Chili and see if anybody eats it. Okay, so that's going to be a good series.
The one thing I loved about the first two games of Stanley Cup Final is the two games were so opposite. The Bruins were dominant in the first game, outshot them by a million, and the Blues were just so physical in the second game.
So I love series when it like basically the way the games are played just shifts every single game. And now there are not going to be any penalties called from this point on.
Right. Game three and after in the Stanley Cup, the boys swallow the whistles.
Okay. So 500 episodes.
We are here. We said we'd get to it.
So we're at our 500th episode. I still't believe 500 someone actually we didn't even know we walked by and mikey podcast was like you know it's the 500th episode today i don't even know if he knows like it could be for all we know it could be like 505 it could be 482 i mean the math kind of checks out on that sure right maybe i don't know i can't add up those kind of numbers but it's's crazy that we're here.
It's crazy where we started. It's even crazier that month over month we've grown literally every month, which I still can't believe that.
We look at it every time. We're like, how does this keep happening? This summer is going to be the ultimate test.
Because after the Women's World Cup, there are no sports until training camp starts. But Hank was looking at last year, Grit Week, to this year, Grit Week, and it.
Year over year. Yeah.
That's what we care about. So credit to all of you guys who have listened, who've shared, who've sent it to people, who've enjoyed doing this with us.
I just want to say, I don't know if we've improved that much, but I think that our listeners have improved. Oh, big time.
They might be in line for most improved podcast listeners this year. Well, the takeies are coming up.
They are. But it's been crazy.
I don't really know what else to say other than... Thank you.
I think we still pinch ourselves every now and then. We're like, wait.
So this is still working really, really well? Like, we're still at the top of the sports? Like, what? If we were to think back over the 500 episodes,

what are,

besides,

besides, besides that noise,

besides building

a new podcast studio

next to a,

I guess a bobsled track.

What was that?

They're running a bobsled.

Oh yeah,

we're in our new studio

for 500,

which is crazy.

But what are the worst ideas

that we've had?

Probably saying

suck my dick

instead of hello.

Terrible.

That was a pretty bad one.

We held on to Harambe

for a little too long.

Yeah, but we were selling the-

We were moving some fucking product.

We were fucking moving.

Yeah.

As I say in the biz-

We tried to get rid of Harambe, and then our merch people were like,

you're moving products.

Keep it going.

They were like, hey, guys, do you have any more Harambe's?

Do you have any more dead gorillas we could fucking prop it off of?

We considered killing a gorilla.

We were moving weight.

We were moving weight. We were.
We took, you know what?

We held on to Harambe much better than

his zookeepers did. Yes, yes.

We owe the people,

it's been a long time since we've done a part of my bake.

We owe them that. I feel like you just want to get

high. Yeah.
Well, duh.

Don't you? Yeah, I do.

Listen, I'm dealing with a broken, not anymore, much broken rib yeah an official broken rib okay from the x-ray okay like we we podcast through some shit on this show yeah we do we podcast through a lot of shit um and so you got bit by a dog i got bit by a dog that didn't miss a day forever ago um we should so we're gonna do our interview with chris long He was our first guest ever. For people who remember the start of this show, it was drastically different.
It was. So when we first started, we were going to tape it in the like at 10 a.m.
Monday, Wednesday, Friday. And what's this noise now? It's a plane land earthquake.
They built an airport at Madison Square Garden. Everyone tweet all business Pete tomorrow.
Be like way to build a podcast dude no don't do that but maybe maybe do um just once we we started the show we were going to do 30 minutes tight every day from or sorry monday wednesday friday we're going to tape it at 10 a.m and put it out at noon that didn't last more than a week because we're like this is stupid my brain doesn't work in the morning no it's really dumb we also one of the dumbest things we were going to do and this was the why we had chris long back on we were going to do instead of five good minutes from pti four good minutes we interviewed chris long you can go listen to the episode and we didn't even get a question in because the four minutes were up we also had a shitload of of sound effects, the reggaeton. Yeah, put in a reggaeton.

Which I don't mind.

Hank, when we switch topics on our segments tonight, toss in the reggaeton.

Yeah, just for old times sake, for the real ones.

And so for the 500th episode, we have Chris Long back on for exactly four minutes.

And here is our first ever guest, longtime friend, now two-time Super Bowl champion winner, and retired quitter, pot smoker, Chris Long. Okay, we now welcome on the very first guest we ever had on Part of My Take.
It is Chris Long, now two-time Super Bowl winner. He had zero when we first had him on.

Man, time changes.

So the first time we ever had Chris on, we did fastest four minutes.

PFT and I had a genius idea to do the PTI bit, but one minute faster.

Yeah, like the whole eight-minute abs type thing.

Yeah, we're like, we'll just do interviews for four minutes.

We had Chris on.

We barely got through the intro. We got, like, one question one question in yeah my parents came to the door and like that's right how he was on the first show yeah yeah i was like god i was like dad i'm on a important show and he was like yeah whatever son and it wasn't at the time it was not but is it at this point yeah very oh culturally i think more important then.
Culturally, we are probably the most important show for people who don't know what the fuck they're doing and kind of just fuck around for a living. Or teenagers slash 23-year-old dudes with the white hats with the letters of their colleges.
Cox, yeah. Cox was an awesome one.

The Peckers. I had the university hangover.
If I had a dude, if I had a dollar for every dude that fit that demo, it'd stop me and said AWL, bro. Well, you now, in fairness, you live in a fucking college town, Chris.
Yeah. Chris is wondering why all these college kids keep coming up to him as he walks through the quad.
That's true. So Big Cat brings up a good point

When you first came on the show, you had zero rings. Now you have two.
How much of your success do you attribute to coming on Part of My Take? Great question, PFT. Thank you.
7%. I'll take it.
7%. Which is a lot.
That's more than a lot of people. I mean, like, if you break it down to, like, people are entities that have had to do with my success, that's pretty high up because you've got to, you know, slice the pie up.
So it's 92% Howie, 1% you, 7% us. How much? Yeah, are we more or less than your high school football coach? Oh, than John Blake? Yeah.
No, he was, right good answer uh so chris another question for you how impressed are you with what we've accomplished uh it's kind of dumbfounding go on i mean this is uh you're calling me you were like hey man we're doing our I kind of thought to myself, I was like, are they good? Like, are they getting canceled? Is this like some final episode? Well, you never know. You're a noted pot smoker, so you were confused, probably.
Oh, maybe. No.
I don't smoke pot with the sun out, dude. You texted me pretty early today.
Only on rainy days. Yeah, yeah, yeah., so go on.
Keep telling us how awesome we are. Well, no.
At first, I thought they were probably canceling the show, but then I looked up all the metrics, and you guys are like, I'm really proud. Thanks, man.
That's really nice. That was really nice.
That's very nice. While we have you on, do you want to respond to Danny Cannell not knowing whether or not pot was more dangerous than opioids? Yeah, we'll crush up a bunch of opioids and go grab some white owls and burn that up and see what happens.
Actually, don't do that. I'm going to say don't do that.
You're going to get somebody killed, Chris. Obviously not.
But with some of the response I've been getting online, you can't be sure. Yeah, it's true.
People are dumb. For everyone out there, opioids are way, way more addictive and bad for you than marijuana.
But we're just asking questions. Yes, we're just asking questions.
So, Chris, in a serious note, you obviously just retired. I wanted to ask you how that process went.
It's obviously a huge decision in your life to walk away from the game of football. What went into that? Well, actually, it's funny because it kind of came down to – Oh, shit.
All right. I knew you were going to do this.
I knew you were going to do this. No, no, no.
It was four minutes. Sorry, Chris.
Thanks for coming on the show. Yeah.
Thanks, man. Guys, man.
Guys. Yeah.
Guys. Wait, we can't hear you.
We got the playoff. Are you having BoFa on later? Yeah.
What? Chris, I can't hear you. Are you having BoFa on later? Who? Who's BoFa, Chris? BoFa who? Yeah.
BoFa needs nuts. Okay.
Gotta go. That was a good one.
You know what? That's perfect to end it on a joke directly from 2016. Hey, guys, you're getting played off of your own fucking show.
Oh, you just got burned so bad, bro. You're getting played off, bro.
All right. See you, Chris.
Thank you. Bye, Chris.
So we got to the bottom of that. We got to the bottom.
It was great to hear in-depth stuff about his retirement. He's got some big plans for his post-planning career very excited to see how that turns out yes he actually he taped that from his parents house yeah so he really is a little reversal of fortune there he started out being interviewed by me and you who are bloggers living in your mom's basements and now he's doing it don't do drugs kids nope you'll end up back in your parents you only get.
Yes. Actually, you know what? Somebody pointed out to me that I think the second time we had Chris on, when he signed with – no, this is further down the line.
When he did sign with the Eagles, you said that you would get a tattoo, an Eagles tattoo if you won a Super Bowl with them. Oh, well, yeah, I don't think I said that.
We make a lot of promises. Yeah, yeah, that probably is not going to happen.
So I need to get my – I need me to get our Blakeortles tattooed. Then maybe once the ink starts, we'll talk about the further going more tattoos.
If we followed through on all of our tattoos and the ideas that we had. Come on.
There's got to be a little bit of leeway. We're literally staring each other in our ass homes right now with Christian Yellich.
We've got to have a little leeway with things we say. We look like the first person that got killed in the entire series of Oz.
The real things we say, the finger cut, you eating poop, Hank getting a cat, those are the real things. So we'll keep doing those.
We should do Firefest of the week before we get to Jeff Ross. Yes.
You ready for it? You're damn right I'm ready for it. Why don't you start? Because you broke your rib.
Okay. Yeah.

So my Fyre Fest of the week, I broke my rib.

I hope it's not you breaking your rib.

No, I broke my rib.

Oh, okay.

Did I say that before the interview?

Yeah, you did.

Okay.

So it's broken.

You said it like 16 times today.

I'm also quitting Juul, which is official.

You've also said that like 16 times.

I haven't Juuled at all today.

Also, one thing.

Actually, you know what?

That is going to be my Fyre Fest of the week.

Me not supporting you?

Because Big Cat is not supporting me.

I'm trying to extend my life.

Because I don't think you're serious.

I threw away my Juul Chargers.

Okay.

So now you're serious.

I'm trying to extend my life. Because I don't think you're serious.
I threw away my Juul charger stuff. Okay, so now you're serious.
I'm switching to analog cigarettes. Hold on.
In fairness to my side of these things, you kept on saying you were going to quit Juul, and literally every time I turned around, you were Juuling. Because you told me I couldn't do it.
You were like, you picked the worst time to do it. Because you were ready.
You did. Now I'm ready.
Okay, now now I will support you you were you admit grit week was the worst time to ever try it mentally prepared me you're sitting in a van all week and you're just juuling your face off now I'm ready to support you you're gonna kick this habit if you see me dueling I give you permission you can slap me in my face oh okay shouldn't have said that but yeah The drunk BFT is going to get in a fight this weekend. No, not listeners.
You. Oh, me.
No, I think everyone can. If you catch me dueling, slap me.
That's actually a great way to quit. Yeah.
You're going to get drunk on Saturday night. If you see me with that motherfucking thing on me, slap me right in my jaw.
Get him. Get him.
I'm not going to get drunk, though.

Okay.

But if you do, you jewel.

Now, Hank doesn't believe that I won't drink.

Let's focus on... Wait, let's refocus here.

One step at a time.

One step at a time.

Don't worry about drinking.

Worry about jeweling.

Yeah, I'm quitting respecting Hank, too.

Oh.

When did you start?

I do respect you, Hank.

Got it.

Not anymore, though.

Can you be careful, PFT?

Because what's going to happen is someone's going to come up to you and be like,

hey, you want to hit my jewel?

Hand it to you.

Slap you.

I'm one you, Hank. Got it.
Not anymore, though. Can you be careful, PFT? Because what's going to happen is someone's going to come up to you and be like, hey, you want to hit my jewel, hand it to you, slap you.
I'm not going to take it. Okay.
So I'm saying make a mental note to yourself. So my other FireFest of the week.
I'm going to text you at like 1 a.m. on Saturday.
My other FireFest of the week is the summer that I've become not short because I grew a couple inches in the last year. Oh, yeah.
This tweet got dropped. You ready for this? Sophie Turner, Zendaya, and Priyanka Chopra have spoken.

Ladies, this summer, we are only falling for short kings.

Ooh.

Tough.

Tough for me.

Sucks for you.

Not being short anymore.

Are they all, like, married?

I'm just saying.

It's tough for me.

That would be such a classic.

Be like, oh, the women who are taken.

Like, we love short guys.

Yeah, by short guys.

That's what I'm saying.

They're all married to short guys.

Are they?

Yeah.

You sure?

Yeah, I'm pretty sure. How tall is the Jonas guy? He's real short.
Is he? Under six feet. Oh, okay.
Yeah. Way short.
Real short. Couldn't be me.
Real short. Tiny.
Just a shitty time for me to choose to not be short anymore. What musician is over six feet? Yeah, that's true.

A lot of them.

Phil Lesh.

Yeah.

Real fucking tall.

Tommy Lee.

Frontman, though.

Phil Lesh and Friends.

The guy from Better Than Ezra is like six foot eight.

Marilyn Manson.

Wow.

Sucks his own cock.

Yeah.

And really tall.

So he's actually half as tall as he usually is normally.

Yeah.

He's bent in half. He's a broken rib guy, too.
Front man. Yeah, but he did it on purpose.
You should try to suck your own dick. I'll try.
You don't have a broken rib unless you can. I'll give you a shot.
That would actually be very painful for me because my throat's not big enough. What did you say? Put that on Barstool Gold.
Yeah. Speaking of Barstool Gold.
Good call, Hank. Thank you for reminding me, Hank.
If you want to watch PFT suck his own cock. I'll do that live on Barstool Gold.
Slash PMT. No, we did an interview today.
Awesome. That'll be out soon with the head groundskeeper of the Boston Red Sox.
Asked him a lot of questions. Crazy story.
He got hit by a car three times. Yeah.
And he has a dog, and he has a whole story about a PTSD dog, and he talks about that, and it's awesome. We never even mentioned the fact that Bubba got hit by a car, though.
That's right, yeah. You guys could have bought it.
Bubba, you could have a dog, too. Yeah, you could get a dog.
You have a dog? Bubba still doesn't have a mic, by the way. We have one, but it doesn't work.
All right, Hank, what's your fire fest? My fire fest of the week was that I was at the doctor's two days ago. And first of all, the fact that every time I have to get a prescription refilled, I have to go to this doctor just so she can be like, oh, how's it going? I can be like, good.
And that's it. I can't just call and get it refilled.
I have to go in. And then I was in there.
I was supposed to go at 12. I was like.
She wants to make sure that you can still get it hard. They were 30 minutes late.
not for that it's for adhd got it uh they were 30 minutes late calling me and then when they called me there i really i forgot about this like a stupid 10 copay realized that i didn't have my atm card on me so i the cleaning people just walked in the door this is the shit show of an office so i just needed 10 bucks cash cash to do this stupid doctor's appointment. Didn't have $10 cash, so I basically wasted like three hours.
Wait, so you couldn't just run to the ATM? I didn't have my ATM card on me. Hank, this is a real simple.
These are like adult movies. Yeah, no shit.
But here's your simple solution. You just walk out.
It's fire fest. It's fucking buying a ticket, go to a festival, and then showing up and not being able to go.
It's going to a doctor's appointment, making the appointment, be like oh you need 10 bucks and it's like i have money good point fair point i have a credit card i have an atm card not with me i own money yes but i couldn't get it and i couldn't be like can i get an iou for like whatever that's crazy they wouldn't just be like hey i'll come back like later today with ten dollars did you have your phone on you you could have cash apped him nope damn or you probably just could have gone out to the street and drawn on a cardboard sign like, I with $10. Did you have your phone on you? You could have cash apped him.
Nope. Damn.
Or you probably just could have gone out into the street and drawn on a cardboard sign like, I need $10 for my Adderall, and I'll give you one. And within about 30 seconds, you'd have 10 takers.
Yeah. You would have actually just made enough money to not have Adderall.
That's a good point. You're so rich, you just don't have those problems.
You could just quit. With attention deficit.
Gone to Mexico. You're so rich that you don't need to have your attention on anything.
You would have had an attention surplus disorder. Right.
That's goals. Yeah.
To get that rich. Yeah.
All right. My fire fest.
Good one, Hank. By the way, we shouldn't badmouth the cleaning people because it's 1.30 in the morning.
We shouldn't. Also, we shouldn't badmouth.
It is kind of – we're kind of in their zone.

Yeah. Like, we're in their world, not they're in our world.
But, all right, so my FireFest – Maybe if we had that recording thing outside, Pete. Oh, interesting.
On air? Yeah, on air. My FireFest of the week is – it's actually a two-week FireFest because I've been, like, trying to chase this high that I got.
I got in a confrontation at the airport two weeks ago where a person came and tried to cut the entire TSA line because they were late for a flight, and I had words with the person. I was like, oh, did you just find out the flight was today? And they're like, I'm in a rush.
I was like, yeah, so is everyone. It's a fucking airport.
They're like, you're a real asshole. And it was thrilling.
And when you get in a confrontation like that, it's like the rest of your life is meaningless you're so i'm just like i'm like a dead person walking around like dead behind the eyes i just need the confrontation look i'm fucking drinking white dragon tea monster right now just to try to catch a high yeah you're going to be asking to speak to a lot of managers yeah it's it is like i'm not a big confrontation guy but like i for some reason i was just feeling a little frisky it was a friday i was like fuck it i'm just gonna tell this person off we're trying to cut the whole line and ever since it's just like the flowers don't smell as sweet nothing tastes as good i'm just looking to get in another verbal not physical mind you a verbal confrontation with no threat of violence i mean that's pretty much the much the best. That's pretty much how everything goes in New York.

Yeah.

Everything is a little mini confrontation.

Hey, fuck you.

Hey, fuck you.

Even if somebody's being nice in New York,

they're aggressively nice.

Right.

They're like, wait,

you're holding up the whole line here for the subway.

You can't get, you don't have enough cash or car.

Here, take my fucking car.

Yeah.

You loser.

But you know what I'm talking about?

That buzz you get from like one of those,

like just exchanging of,

maybe it was maybe more than, no more than like 25 seconds of words pass back and forth. But that buzz will last a while because you're like, oh, that was great.
I felt good. Yeah.
Now, did you judge the crowd reaction around you? Were they on your side? Didn't even look back. I was well, I was the reason why I did it was I was the next person in line.
So they physically like cut me. You know, they run past run past everyone else, and they stepped in front of me.
And I was just like, did you just find out your flight was today? What's going on here? Because it is bullshit. You know that the person could have gotten there on time.
They're just late because they were late. You know when your fucking flight is.
Right, except I've been in that person's shoes many, many times yeah but you always make it come on i mean i can tell i can understand that at an airport if somebody's like late for a flight but if it's at a bukkake party and they step in front of me i'm like hey i'm sorry i'm sorry i was 18 i got my ticket here wait but but you under you also would understand someone saying something like you like we live in a society you't just cut. I'm more of a...
I will always have respect and courtesy towards somebody who is abhorrently late. By the way, totally able-bodied.
Like, wasn't any issue here. Moving quickly.
All that stuff. Not in their brain.
Well, yeah, true. Not in their brain.
That's fine. I went to the wrong airport the other week.
It happens to us. That, again, yeah, is an adult thing.
Yeah, it is. That's a wild adult thing.
Listen, some of us are like Peter Pan. We don't grow up quite as fast as the rest of you.
All right. So that was our Fyre Fest of the Week.
Bubba, do you have one? Oh, Bubba doesn't have a mic. That's his Fyre Fest of the Week.
We literally got in our new studio. There's a mic sitting in front of him, but it doesn't work.
So Bubba, that's your Fyre Fest of the Week right there. You can lip lip sync your FireFest.
Here, Bubba, start talking. Actually, there's no camera on you.
I was going to give you your FireFest as you were talking. Also, you are the got hit by the car guy, and then you got cucked today.
Big time. Yeah.
By a way more successful guy who's been hit by three cars. He's also older.
He's also older. You can still strive to get hit by shoot to get hit by two more cars yeah i believe in you um all right let's get to jeff ross so comedian roast master jeff ross joined us we talked about roast we talked about uh his prank war with cousin sal tom cruise being able to mediate it it was a wild interview before we get to that it is summertime and we got bird dogs bird dogs are gym shorts with a built-in silky soft inner liner that makes underwear obsolete you can work out in them or you can do absolutely nothing in them you can swim in them bird dogs dry faster than a bathing suit and they are super comfortable i actually just ordered like seven new pairs of bird dogs for summer uh pf or pft and hank i got a question for you what's up how important is it to have a pair of nunchucks handy i'd say very important in case some asshole tries to give you shit for cutting a line very important so go to birddogs.com right now enter promo code take and they'll throw in a pair ofucks.
You didn't know you needed nunchucks. Now you got nunchucks.
Yeah, you heard that right, nunchucks. They'll give you an actual, listen, I'm just going to read what they said, okay? You'll get an actual murder weapon along with your pair of birddogs.
That's birddogs.com, promo code TAKE, and boom, a free pair of nunchucks with your pair of Bird Dogs. You will not take these things off, I promise you.
Seriously, guys, we don't say everything out there is the best, but Bird Dogs are really the best. We wear them all summer long.
You will see our booties popping in our Bird Dogs, and they got that extra liner, so you can go underwear and liner in case you have a Hank. We call it a Hank when you poop your pants.
That's a hank uh all right birddogs.com promo code take do it right now okay here he is comedian roast master jeff ross okay we now welcome on the roast master jeff ross what's up in studio he's got's got a new Netflix show out.

It's called Historical Roast.

He's roasting people throughout history.

Abraham Lincoln, Cleopatra, Muhammad Ali, and Frank.

Yeah.

How'd that one go?

Terrible.

She was pissed.

So I actually wanted to, like, this is a genius idea because you can basically roast people and they can't come back.

She screamed for the first time in her life. Jeez.
It was cathartic. The kids were off and running.
Yeah. So this new show, like, what gave you the idea? Was it just you just ran out of live people to roast? What happened? No, live people want to be roasted more than ever.
That's the fun part about it. But, you know, people say, like, who's your dream roast? So I made a list of heroes, people I cared about.
I did notice that there are no villains. You didn't roast any villains throughout history.
There are villains on the show, though. On the dais, right? Yeah.
So you get to roast Hitler. But Hitler's not the star of the show.
Frank roasts almost turned into a Hitler roast. Yeah.
As it should. Sometimes that happens.
When we roasted Pam Anderson, it turned into a Courtney Love roast love roast oh yeah it was all time so these things happen at roast did you like purposely select you were like i don't want to have any villains as the stars of these roasts because you always say like you roast the ones that you love right that's a good thought and yes we debated that a lot we had a very uh intense writers room about what what's the right way to roast history.

As fake news evolves into fake history, you go,

huh, what do we really want to say with our chance to say stuff?

Right.

But I feel like down the road we could wind up doing a villain roast.

Yeah.

I'm not against it.

I just feel like season one of a show, you want to be very clear what you're doing.

Right.

Who just missed the cut?

Ted Bundy.

Okay.

That would have been an easy one.

What about Albert Einstein?

No, we weren't going to do villains this time.

Okay.

He married his cousin.

And invented the atom bomb.

Yeah.

That's true.

It's season three.

Albert Einstein.

Tune in.

Season three.

So check it out.

It's on Netflix now.

You can watch the whole thing.

I wanted to start kind of not at the beginning, but somewhere around the beginning where I was reading up on your career. And, uh, you know, you talked about having thick skin as a kid and getting roasted by your uncle.
And what were the mean things that your uncle would say? Cause it sounded like he was like, really would go after you when you were a little kid my uncle murray i've been thinking about him a lot lately um is he still with us no he died at 92 okay just a few years ago and i wrote about him i thought about him a lot on memorial day because you know my friends and i we were walking around downtown to some of the memorial day statues down in lower manhattan like monuments and Memorial Day you think about veterans and my Uncle Murray was an army medic in World War II oh wow you know back when people we didn't save them the way we do now right kind of like they just die put morphine in them and just try to make give them a happy end you make them laugh while they're dying it's like the saving private Ryan when they yeah they just like literally all put their hands over the big bullet hole and they're like, this will work. Like Patch Adams.
You just put a big red nose on. He was dumbfounded by modern medicine.
And he also liberated a concentration camp with his army. Murray Lifshultz, Jewish soldier in the U.S.
Army. Respect.
That's fantastic. Yeah, right.
He got away with it. He could say anything.
I couldn't say shit to him sorry i couldn't say anything you can't say shit fuck fuck cunt bitch i couldn't say any of that to him because he was the man and he was also like i worked in this catering hall i was a little kid but family business so he would just make fun of me for being a daddy's boy and you know just teasing me over my buck teeth and my goofy hair and i was a little kid yeah 10 years, 11 years old. And he was my hero.
So when he made fun of me, it hurt. So he did hurt your feelings.
Oh, yeah. Eventually, what was the point where you're like, actually, this is kind of fun.
We're just busting balls. Or did you never get to that point? Never felt that way until I was a man.
Really? Yeah. As a boy, I didn't know any better.
He was just like mean. They called him Mean Murray.
Even his grandchildren call him Mean Murray. Yeah, it's like a defense mechanism almost.
Like you realize as you get older that you've got this, you know, almost traumatic experience of your uncle just roasting you every day. And you're like, no, he was just joking the whole time.
You convince yourself that like, ah, it's a way to bust balls. Did he ever do that right before he died? Like, hey, I want to tell you something real quick, Jeff.
It was just a joke. You know what? He knew that I grew up and learned all that.
And then for his 90th birthday, an entire family got together and roasted him. Oh, wow.
So he did, to his credit, dish it out, but he could take it. He could take it, too.
I said, Uncle Murray's taking a big trip soon to that urn on top of the fireplace. And he loved it.
Right. He had, like, his cousin, you know, he was the man.
Right. People like getting roasted.
They love being in the hot seat. Yeah.
Have you ever dealt with somebody that really doesn't like to get roasted? I guess so. But it's's like for the most part

you roast volunteers

like the whole fun of it

is to get people

that are up for it

right

unless they're a passed away

historical figure

right

you have to resurrect them

they have no choice

right

Bob Saget plays Abe Lincoln

and I told Bob

ahead of time

on the historical roast show

and I told Bob

ahead of time

that I think

Lincoln

everything I read about Lincoln

is he has a great sense of humor

so you know

I think Lincoln would like this

right Thank you. on the historical roast show, and I told Bob ahead of time that I think Lincoln, everything I read about Lincoln is he has a great sense of humor.

So, you know, I think Lincoln would like this.

Right, right.

A full house divided with Bob Saget.

Right.

It's interesting, the roast thing to me, because if I've always,

like the Ann Coulter one was one that stuck out to me where

if the person getting roasted doesn't play along,

it becomes not fun so quickly.

Right.

You know?

And she was thin-skinned.

Right.

And this frustrates me.

People are so sensitive.

You're going to come to a roast.

What do you want?

It goes soft?

Right.

That's almost meaner.

Yes.

If I ignore you at a roast, it means either you can't take it or I don't care about you.

Well, there was one.

I think it was Dan Aykroyd. Dan Aykroyd was on thed and dan akroyd was on the dais but chevy chase was there and nobody went to it because chevy i guess doesn't have a lot of friends and so all the jokes were just about how nobody liked chevy chase and you could tell he was like he was a little bit pissed off about the whole thing yeah it seemed like it from what i could tell what what what other comics told me is that he It just like cranky the whole day wasn't taking it well probably didn't do any coke that day this is probably like a good lesson for life is to be able to if you're going to talk smack you got to be able to take it right right um by the way this is a philosophy not just in roasting this is in life yeah i agree i do a podcast called thick skin which isn't a roast

podcast it's about going through life being able to absorb what life brings at you and i do feel like like shout out to my uncle murray and like all the bullies and assholes in your life right now like in a way they're preparing you for something more profound more important later on Right.

I mean, you guys, like, you think you'd be able to roll on sports if somebody, if you didn't, you know, like, the best, I think, sports people, sportscasters are failed or people who, like, played sports and got, like, you know what it's like to lose. Right.
I agree. Like, I was on the worst high school football team in New Jersey, the Jonathan Dayton Bulldogs.

Like, we didn't win one game in the four years that I went to high school.

Yeah.

Like, I think, I'm surprised there aren't 50 comedians from Springfield, New Jersey.

You guys got the shit kicked.

Tony Romo's a good example.

He never won a big game.

Right.

You know?

By the way, he has a great sense of humor.

Great sense of humor.

He once drove me 100 miles an hour through the streets of Dallas. Really? Yeah.
Why? Just because? He was hungry. I was performing down there, and Amy Schumer is friends with him.
She invited him to our show. I was on a bill with a bunch of comics, and Tony was like, you hungry? And nobody else was up for it, but I was like, sure.
And his buddy was wasted in the passenger seat,

and I was actually in a follow car actually behind him,

and there was like two of us just trying to keep up with Tony Romo,

and out of nowhere he pulls over, not even in a red light,

he just pulls over to bus stop.

His buddy gets out to throw up,

and Tony just grabbed the door, closed it, and left him there,

and the guy showed up at the restaurant an hour later. That's perfect.
Was he wearing that blue hat with nothing on it? He might have been. Okay.
Yeah. That blue hat.
I did some investigative research a few years back. He's in a Pizza Hut commercial and they gave him a blue hat and he's been wearing it ever since.
Literally a free hat that he's just been wearing ever since. Maybe it's part of his deal.
Yeah. I think he just likes free shit.
Even rich people like free shit. He's just like, I love this free hat.
I think it's like you put a hat on every once in a while and it just fits perfectly to your head. You don't care what the fuck it says on it.
You're going to roll with that hat for the rest of your life. David Tell gave me this bitch hat.
I like that one. That looks pretty good.
And I've been wearing it every day. What about those shades? Where are those from? I like those.
I'm on my way to the Elton John premiere for Rocketman. Those look good.
That looks pretty good, too. I'm getting out swagged over here on the sunglasses.
You look infinitely more hungover when you put those two things on. Yeah.
Like, you are hiding the worst hangover of all time. You should be wearing, like, Uggs and holding a Starbucks.
It was like, oh, last night was a movie. Oh, my God.
You should be on Call Her Daddy. Oh, my God.
Oh, man. You were part of a roast that's kind of been lost to history, I think.
I think it was a roast of Mike and Mike. Oh, yeah.
And Dana Jacobson got on stage in that one. Wow.
And I've never heard of one event sabotaging somebody's career as much as her performance. Did she not come back from that? I don't think so.
No, she didn't come back. Oh, really? You haven't back really you haven't been following up on her no but i think so she was on cold pizza at the time or first and ten or whatever they first take it was first day it was before first so i think it was cold pizza and um she got up there and i think she said some stuff about notre dame but no videos i don't think ever came out yeah you never really heard about that and and and uh those guys are still working though yeah oh Oh, yeah.
So they're on top of it. But, you know, it always takes one.
Like maybe she – I remember her guzzling vodka. Yeah.
And it was just like the whole thing kind of turned. I mean it was a good comedy show up until then.
I believe I was hosting it actually. It was in Atlantic City.
They sold thousands of tickets. So it was like a real – it had like a prize fight feel.
It was a great show, actually. And, you know, it's always fun when you see people that aren't used to roasting like roast.
That's how the roast started when old-time comics like Milton Berle would curse, and no one ever heard that before. So it was like, whoa, that was fun.
You know, it's like you're driving a race car all of a sudden. And then out of nowhere, in the middle of the show, that woman started, like, upending the whole thing.
It turned into, like, some kind of punk rock thing. That's crazy.
It, like, lost the comedy, and it became too, I don't know, like, floppy. Is that the only time that's ever happened where it's like...
One person can sabotage a roast. Has anyone else done that? Oh, man.
Let me think. Well, Courtney Love tried.
The situation? But Jimmy Kimmel really calmed her down. Oh, yeah.
The situation was so bad. The situation almost did.
Yeah. When we roasted the Donald Trump.
Yes. The situation refused to take his sunglasses off.
You know how hard it is? Yes, that sucks. You're already kind of douchey.
Now you're insulting people wearing sunglasses. Yeah, I know.
And Snoop told me to wear them. I'm like, you're not fucking Snoop.
Like, take your sunglasses off. No take your sunglasses no what a dickhead yeah what a fucking asshole anyone who doesn't take off their sunglasses fuck that guy by the way he still thinks he did well oh yeah yeah in jail i saw him that before that i saw him last year and he was like yeah man i did my thing i didn't mess up like i stuck with it i was out of my comfort zone i'm like you still think you killed 15 years later 10 years, 10 years later.
I kind of respect that, though, like that level of lack of self-awareness. Yeah, where you just go through your life being like, I'm the funniest fucking guy in the world.
Like, this is awesome. Everything I do is awesome.
You got him right to jail. Yes, yes.
What part do you think you played in normalizing Donald Trump? Good question. Good question.
I just had to say that. Sorry.
Probably a significant part. The other one we do is, if you could go back in time, would you still vote for Donald Trump? Yes.
Okay. In that rose, didn't he tell you that you couldn't fuck around with his finances? You couldn't joke around? People say that, that there were rules about...
Oh, really? It's one of those stories that's been repeated so many times, think we just think it's true now a lot of the writers did interviews and said you know that he was sensitive about his finances and maybe he was but not to the roasters i think for his own speech maybe he wanted to trump up his finances right right so which anybody would do of course unless you know unless you're negotiating a contractor, you always brag about how much money you have. Yeah.
Right. Until somebody's trying to sell you something, and you're like, I don't know, it's been a bad month.
Can't afford that. So I didn't begrudge him that.
I mean, his whole thing, it always seemed like a facade to me. Like, he's trying to be the richest guy in the world.
Right. If he isn't, he's living like that.
The richest, richest people don't talk about their finances. You don't know their names.
You don't even know who they are. Right, exactly.
They are completely invisible to the regular public. I know somebody whose dad is one of the richest guys in New York, in America.
No one knows this guy. And they all do their rich people drugs that no one else has access to.
Like the everlasting gobstopper that they can have that just live forever. I'm convinced that all rich people have access to these designer drugs that are so fucking cool that no one will ever hear about.
Not Steve Jobs. Yeah, that's true.
Actually, no, he's in Brazil, right? He is. No, Argentina.
He's alive. Argentina, yeah.
They say he lasted a lot longer than he might have. True.
Alex Trebek, he's got all that money on the board every single show. He's in remission now.
True. Shout out to Alex.
Yeah, shout out to Alex Trebek. I like that.
You're already showing some compassion, some vulnerability, guys. I like that.
Do you ever find yourself being like, I'm just going to be the nice guy today? Because everyone's like, Jeff Ross, Roastmaster, ha-ha, you rip people to shreds. You ever walk around being like, hey, I like that shirt, man.
I used to have that, and then my dad got a job. It's the only way I could get away with roasting.
It was nice most of the time. Oh, okay.
That makes sense. I don't walk around roasting my way through life.
That would be funny if you did. It would be a good movie, but I don't know if it would be a good life.
Do people expect that from you? Just sitting down talking to you like, come on, make fun of me. Why don't you make fun of me? Yeah, go ahead, roast us.
Not even like in this situation. You guys, you know what's going on, but like i'll be walking to the airport you know newark airport one time and some guy's like my brother just got out of jail he's in the bathroom when he comes out start making fun of me it's like come on man kidding me first of all it's like energy like i'm tired after a i'm sure like my brain is like i it's a lot of heavy lifting to even turn that on.
Yeah. So what I do is it's like a superpower.
I don't take it out when it's absolutely necessary. So what did you say to the guy when he came out of the bathroom? I left.
Oh. That's a roast in itself.
I didn't take the bait. Yeah.
Just saying that you're not roast worthy. That actually cuts pretty deep right there.
As opposed to you two guys who look like you get dressed in the dressed in the dark yeah no we're unroastable because we care so little about ourselves well the thing we do is we've made every joke about ourselves that can be made so the self-deprecation i mean i know that i look like a golf shirt well here's what here's a golf shirt if it was made by if it was made by a tennis player can i explain it to you can i Can I explain it to you? It's because I'm a little heavy,

and if you wear enough designs,

it's like an optical illusion.

I get it, like the carpets in Las Vegas.

People are just looking at it like,

is he fat?

Yeah, is he fat?

I can't tell.

It's an optical illusion.

All these weird things on his shirt.

All right, well, if you're out there wondering,

he's a little fat.

He's about as fat as me.

I went to the gym today.

You did?

Yeah.

How'd it go?

It was all right.

I haven't gone on in a long time. I can tell.'re bet we're getting into shape for the summer for next summer yeah all summer yeah so you do obviously like a lot of roasting are there any projects that you want to work on that maybe have gotten sidetracked because somebody's like no you're the roast guy like have you wanted to get into writing or dramatic film i do that stuff as a hobby.
For a long time, I was like, yeah, I want to do this and that and branch out. But, I don't know, roasting became so fun.
I felt pigeonholed for a while. Dave Chappelle actually gave me a pretty healthy pep talk about it probably about 10, 12 years ago where he's like, that's your lane, bro.
Make it a highway. Make it a six-lane highway.
And he's right. No one really does that.
And I don't know, man. I'm on an Amazon show as an actor called Sneaky Pete, and I'm on a cartoon called Tangled.
So when that stuff comes up, I don't usually audition. It's just usually like, oh, Jeff, you know.
So it's like if I don't have to write it and I don't have to make fun of anybody, it's like work that's like a weekend that's like a day off right your brain's not on the brain you're talking about and I love that kind of stuff right I don't have to turn that muscle on I could just show up and be funny in character or it's it's like I don't know I could do that it's just easier right so I don't know if anything's been sidetracked because I really do love roasting. I feel like it's my purpose and it's also a movement.
Like it's everywhere now. Like I get tweets in languages I don't understand.
Do you think that it has picked up steam in almost like a response to kind of comedy has been under fire by like people on Twitter and all these? You know, there's been a lot of changing of culture. Do you think the pendulum swinging back is roastive kind of comedy has been under fire by like people on twitter and all these you know there's been a lot of changing of culture you think the the pendulum swinging back as roasts have kind of picked up steam yeah i that's a good that's a good observation i think as we become so sensitive i say we society you know by the way you can't even put roast jokes on twitter yeah you i read that you basically said you do not tweet anything provocative whatsoever you just promote shows because It's lame, I know.
Right. You know, you don't pick up followers that way, but, and I do warn comedians sometimes, like, dude, it's not a safe space right there.
Right. Well, that's funny.
It's like the reverse of a safe space. We're made in a safe space when people are talking about not having safe spaces.
Right. Yeah.
Now you gotta go to a comedy club. It's like a temple of free speech.
Yeah. You've got to perform for people who want it.
And then people taking it out of – the thing I've also noticed people take comedy. We had Jimmy Carr in here a couple months ago, and he was saying that his biggest problems have been when people have basically taken the comedy show and then written it and put it in a paper.
Right. And it takes all context out of it.
Right. And that's kind of what Twitter is a little bit, when you can't really read the context or what is being said behind it because it doesn't have inflection and tone and all that shit.
And then you have to actually go back and see who's saying it. And are they joking? Especially with comics, because they could be joking.
They could be posing as a character. You know, so none of it's real and all of it's real like right like an expert doesn't matter any more than some nincompoop who's like on heroin it's just a tweet right i'm going through it now like this historical show you know we roast Anne Frank and i got ahead of it and i talked to jewish journalists about why i was doing it and then somebody who who in Amsterdam who lives near the Anne Frank house who hasn't even seen it will weigh in.
Right. And then suddenly that gets amplified until it's like a newspaper article in Jerusalem.
I'm like one Twitter user from, you know, the Anne Frank house. Like, what? Right.
Right. Why does anybody's opinion matter more than anybody else's? That's a good point.
Somebody who died 80 years ago. It's a question of context and environment, I guess, because on Twitter, the audience is literally everybody with a smartphone, right? So they all have – they see what it is and they all look at it in a different way from whatever angle it affects them.
When you're doing like a roast of Shaq, for example, everybody that's up there on stage the they've agreed to be on that stage and we're all going to bust balls and we've agreed that we're not going to take any of this personally but if you had tweeted out any of those jokes that you made about shack holy shit you're be out of the business your career would be over immediately without a doubt so it's i it's just like a you have to take everything in context some people they are comedy writers and they write that are meant to be consumed by reading them. Some people are comedians that get on stage and do what you do.
And I think if you try to take one, if you took a very solid essayist who's like a – you call him a humorist. That's what you call somebody that makes jokes but isn't funny, I guess, is a humorist.
But if you took a humorist and delivered those lines on a stage, I would be like, this guy sucks. And if jokes and put them on twitter they'd be like fuck this guy right right you know so it's all about like consuming in the right environment yeah know the room you got to know your room yeah work the room know the room the room could be twitter the room could be madison square garden or this you know it's like this is your room yeah you guys know your crowd you know what they want want to hear.
They probably don't want their sports, their comedy watered down. It's like when I do my shows.
I'm in Vegas next weekend with Attell. He's like, oh, we might get backlash on Twitter.
I'm like, fuck that. This is where we do this.
Let's go full tilt boogie. People are not coming to Vegas for some watered down comedy.
Well, and also when you get in your own head like that and start thinking about that, we listen to constructive criticism.

But if you start listening to every single person who has something to say, you'll start just changing everything you do and going away from what works.

And I've done stuff.

I have had that happen to me.

And the work suffers.

Yeah.

It becomes not great for anybody. Right.
Right. I'm of cousin sal never met him we were supposed to have him on the show we didn't work out he when jimmy was here in brooklyn can you tell me the history behind your prank battle because i've heard parts of it from sal's perspective but and tom cruise like litigated it what it was it was an all-time be careful here because i don't want to like restart anything so you know sal and i no please do that would be great for our podcast so don't be selfish you fucking hate sal that's what you said we cut that out he knows that he came to my historical roast premiere last week and he i heard him laughing and we're all good now we're good pals i'm super excited for him and all the stuff he's doing and you ask about the history but i think it's brought us better friends okay where we truly i mean we always loved each other but now it's a more open affection how did it start it started when i was a writer fresh to la for the man show okay comedy central my best job you could ever have right here's like a dozen guys locked in two rooms coming up with the craziest shit you can put on tv right and it's all dolled up with tv cameras and girls jumping on trampolines and and we're all making money and we're all in LA for the first time and it was just a blast and Sal was the resident troublemaker he would you know you'd come back from lunch and there'd be there'd be like you know the screws on your desk would all be pulled out you know or he would like you know I was dating this chick she came to pick me up and before she could even you know let me know that she was waiting outside sal would go outside take his shirt off and take pictures with her in her car as if he'd been you know he would just do stuff like that and you know it grew into stuff he would do on jimmy kimmel live like i guest hosted and one time i looked out the uh you know that they go a lot live from the parking lot and there's sal spray painting the punch lines to my stand-up jokes that i'd done the night before on the show onto my brand new white porsche and it's not like i wasn't a rich guy this was my first nice car you know what i mean he knew that you know what i mean that's fucked up so'll be stuff like that where it's just you know like i i was guest hosting the show for five straight nights once and i was also filming csi during the day like seven in the morning to eight at night then i'd rush then i'd drive from the valley to hollywood to kimmel show and i was like the guest co-host back when it was live live so I had 45 minutes basically to shower um um basically eat something and walk on set that I didn't rehearse or anything I was sort of like sidekick kind of guy and I had I'd always order a steak or a hamburger and inevitably just as they handed me I had this little window to gobble it down just as they would hand it to me sal would walk out of a closet and just slap it out of my hand onto the floor so i'd have to go on stage hungry every time i think sal's like penultimate moment or ultimate moment was um besides the awesome hilarious prank stuff he does on jimmy kimball live to like regular people right his his personal pranks are deeper and very thought out right and i was on dancing with the stars this is going back a while now i took it very seriously i was all in i'd never been on prime time abc i really wanted to knock cha--Cha, the quick step.
I lost 20 pounds doing it. I was in love with Edita, my partner.
We were going to win. Right.
Back then, they would get the cast-offs. The night you got thrown off live Dancing with the Stars, you went right over to Jimmy Kimmel's show, and you'd be the guest the lead guest still in your costume or whatever so the opening day of the show we're doing a run through and edita had just had her nails done we'd done this dance 500 times to precision but She got her nails done so now everything's three quarters of an inch longer on her hands so her her marks are a little off right like we had these very intricate moves where she's like like white moving you know like yeah right around and i'm going under her legs and over her and it's like it's like a wow kind of a moment and we do blocking I'm just in a kiss shirt my like sister's in the audience and uh we're just you know rehearsing for cameras basically one last run through all right sure and uh editor hits her last spot and slices my eye my cornea is scratched I flop on the floor everyone thinks I'm kidding I can't open my eye I'm kidding.
I can't open my eye. Half an hour goes by.
I can't open my eye. And they, like, send some PA with a, you know, a little Toyota Corolla or something to drive me to the emergency room.
I'm like, oh, my God. From hero to zero.
What am I doing? Right. You know? And, yeah.
It was sad. It was very i couldn't i couldn't see much i go to this emergency room then they send me to a doctor and next thing i know i'm on my way back with an eye patch back to the show at abc and kim will text me says you know if you you got you You know, you got to dance.
The show must to dance. The show must be brave.
You'll be a hero. You've got to dance injured.
And I'm like, huh. And I run it by my partner, Edita, and she says, if you can walk, you can dance.
That's good. That's a football guy.
And I said to the producer, I say, I'm going to dance. The show must go on.
He goes, the show goes on whether you dance or not. Right, right.
You're not that important, Jeff. Yeah.
And I'm like, you know what? I'm dancing. I'm doing it.
I'm going to do this. It's going to be good.
I know my moves. I don't want to miss it.
I've been working two months, and I dance, and, you know, it was bad. People thought it was a telethon we raised a million dollars for and i'm like all right my family shows up they're all wearing eye patches in solidarity i'm like all right you know maybe i can make something of this and i know that the kimmel show gets the results slightly ahead because everybody else the guest kicked off right on their show.
Yeah. I don't know to what extent they get them or what time or anything, but it's the same network.
I'm assuming there's some collusion. And it's me and Kim Kardashian are the last two up there with our partners, right? They're voting people off.
She's one of the biggest stars in the world, and there I am. And about an hour before, I get a text from Sal saying, you're safe.
Oh, my God. Oh, my God.
And you're actually, this is the guy who's been pranking you all along, but you believe it. This is, yeah, this is true.
Okay, that's the thing about prank wars. It's always with somebody that you're actually this is the guy who's been pranking you all along but you believe it this is yeah this is true okay that's the thing about prank wars it's always with somebody that you're actually close with yeah so not every interaction that you have is a prank right right well of course we were the best of friends right and also like they were helping me like i'm safe right so now i can like relax a little bit make some jokes i don't need to prepare any closing speech tell all your family i'm safe right told everybody told editor so now i'm like one eye i'm reading the text i'm safe i'm safe are you sure yes so now i'm up there in the lights the music ted bergeron it couldn't be more exciting i'm gonna move on i'm gonna get to do my second dance the quick step which i'm really good at it's gonna be frank sinatra i get a kick out of you you know it's like and uh they just click everybody off one by one cloris leachman warren sap they're all they're all in they're all in gets down to me and kim and i'm like you can see me whispering in editor's ear don't worry don't worry and then they call Kim Kardashian she moves on to the next show and you can just see me at this point I feel like Sal couldn't have lied they must have changed their mind mind.
Oh, no, you're still believing it. I'm still believing it.
And then it starts to sink in as the cameras come to me. And Ted Bergeron's like, any final thoughts as you leave the competition? I'm like, I just got here.
I don't even have barely, what, huh? I got nothing. So now I'm on the second episode of the number one show in the world on ABC, and I have nothing to say.
Famous for your quick wit. Yeah.
Yeah. And finally I got frustrated with the scoring, and I said, speaking of ballroom, these pants are really tight, and I walked off.
That's a pretty good line. Yeah.
And I do remember after that dance, I should have known I was the worst one, even though I wasn't sure.

I remember Chris Rock calling me in my trailer before the show also, saying, stop worrying about the dancing and start thinking of some jokes, which was good advice, which I did not necessarily take.

Right.

So I go over to the Kimmel show, and now I'm ready for battle.

I'm so mad.

And Sal's nowhere to be found, of course.

Fuck.

Yeah, so it took a long time.

We were mad at him.

I was mad at him.

I just couldn't take it.

So you actually were mad.

Like, it was a real anger.

It wasn't a prank war.

It went on for not days, weeks, maybe even a couple months. I'd see him at Sunday football over at Jimmy's house, and we would sit on opposite sides.
Because he does a big football Sunday where you have a bunch of people, Adam Carolla, Bill Simmons. Yeah, you'd go over there, and you'd see TV movie stars and rock stars and actors and you know he still had his old all his old regular

schmucky guys like me too freaking tom cruise walks in and he'd just been on jimmy's show so we're not we we understand but we're still like he's he really walking in up the up the stairs right now with his mother sal and i are still like looking at each other from across the room. We haven't really talked or even anything.

And it's, like, weighing on me.

And then Sal just comes over, and he sits next to me on the couch,

and he whispers in my ear, he goes,

maybe we should let Tom Cruise settle this for us.

And he did?

And, you know, I just shrugged my shoulders and i'm i think it was sarah silverman was there she jumped up on the coffee table and like brought the whole thing to attention right like like all right everybody gather around court is in session court is in session tom cruise has played many lawyers he's about to settle the feud and you know i think she was just trying to help me out, take the tension out of it. Right.
It was painful, not just for me and Sal, but for the group. Right.
For the community, for the friendships. And we laid out what happened.
And, of course, Jimmy keeps trying to interrupt and help Sal along with his story because sal sometimes will not necessarily tell

things in the most sympathetic way of course but you know jimmy has a very scholarly lawyerly way of explaining what so between the two of them i'm like oh boy now i gotta make my case and i explained that this was high stakes that i worked really hard that this was something i I took him, you know, I said, we're all friends.

This is a career um move i wanted to do well i wanted to come off funny i didn't want to be caught it's okay to get voted off but you want to be prepared showing a little vulnerability if you have inside information which they claim it isn't use it to help me right not to embarrass me that was the case i made and that that and everything else that i've said is and how much i love these guys and trust sal and tom took a minute he consulted with his mother who was not happy with the amount of cursing that had been going on and uh tom ruled in my favor said sal you you really hurt jeff's feelings and you owe him an apology wow and sal you could see he did not expect that outcome he expected come on get over it guys being dudes you know and no but as sal mumbled this half an apology I'm sorry and Tom stopped him halfway through

and made him do it, enunciate it, pronounce it, shake my hand. We hugged it out.
And somewhere there's a picture. I'll have to find it and post it of Tom Cruise holding a football.
And Sal and I have our hands on it. Like the orb.
Yeah. And, yeah, I mean, the rest is history.
That's great. So I noticed that you omitted quite conveniently all the pranks that you pulled on Sal to lead up to this point.
Because I'm sure Sal just wasn't like, I'm going to fuck with Jeff on his big TV show. I don't have that in me.
I don't know how to prank people. Everything I do, and Sal and I have debated this before.
When I make fun of people, it's to their face. I don't prank people.
I don't really sneak up on people. I don't talk behind people's back.
If I'm going to take you down, it's going to be face-to-face. That's what a roast is.
Right. That's his version of roasting.
Right. Which is spray-painting shit on your plate.
Yes. I roasted you so good, you fucker.
It's a classic prank. We're just mean as possible.
Yeah. All right, you got to go.
You have historical roasts. Check it out on Netflix.
Jeff Ross. So my last question was Seeky Question.
Come see me at a hotel in Vegas next week. Yeah, where else are you going to be? We're going to be at the Mirage June 7th and 8th and then we're going out to Palm Springs to Harris, SoCal and the Morongo.
Okay, nice. So check him out.
He's on tour right now. Promo code TAKE for the SeatGeek purchase.
So you can go to Jeff Ross comedy show. Love it.
Go to SeatGeek. Put in promo code TAKE $10 off.
Are you kidding me? You still get the money. I love that.
You still get the money, but people get $10 off. Free beer.
That's really cool. Thank you.
Yeah, I just did that for you. Wow.
That's the only time we've ever done that deal. You just bought a round from my whole audience.
Yes, exactly. Now they'll think you're funny.
You guys are all right. The jokes will be better.
Yeah, exactly. So the last question is, you have probably the three most absurd hairstyles of all time.
Full bald man, cornrows juifro how did you pull all three of those off i'm not even halfway done bro oh you got more in the life life is long man life is long i'm working on the countertop oh hell yeah hell yeah is that your next you're like the next evolution of your career is just get jacked as hell grow your hair out that does happen to people yeah i think i've always kind of had the exact same body since I was about 13. That's good.
I don't like it when people get into too good a shape. No.
Which is why we're not promising anything. It's not great for comedy.
It would be funny if you just fluctuated. Like one year you're like, I'm jacked, and the next year you're 400 pounds.
It would be good. But every time I try to get in shape as a comedian, I do feel better.
But i'm like i could be writing jokes right now why am i in this fucking gym this sucks yeah this is not for me yeah and i never found like fatter or skinnier it changed my career at all right it really just makes the you know rodney yeah yeah he walked around in a bathrobe yeah exactly he's a good looking dude i'll You guys were a lot of fun. Get no respect.
I got one last question for you. Hey, shoot.
Fire away. Back to real quick Donald Trump stuff, because say what you want about— There's no real quick Donald Trump shit.
No, no. I'll get in and out.
Trust me. Look at you slipping your agenda into the end of the podcast.
No, I'm not. You're not going to know where I'm going with this one.
Oh, all right. But say what you want about him.
But he basically gets on stage, and he roasts the other people that he's debating. He just insults them until they shrink into a little pile.

Have you ever been in touch with anybody that's like, Jeff, I want you to write some material for my debate against Donald Trump?

And would you?

You should.

I have been asked that, yes.

Would you do it?

I'm not going to say, but I have done that kind of stuff.

Oh, wow.

Oh, okay.

Political operative. Also, you were mean to Blake Griffin.
He's a good friend of ours, so fuck off. What a legend.
Fuck off. What? The Detroit joke was pretty good.
I beat him. Yeah, but he beat you in life.
That's true. He beat us all in life.
No, he's a good friend of ours, so I just had to stop it. By the way, it's so rare.
I love when a superstar, not just a professional athlete, a superstar is like, bring it. Yes.
He is exactly. We roast him whenever he's on our show.
He's been on our show probably like 10 times. Never.
So funny. And he's actually funny.
He's not athlete funny. There's athlete funny, then there's funny funny.
You mentioned Shaq before, right? Yeah. I did that Shaq roast a long time ago, that Emmitt Smith roast that Shaq produced.
Yeah. And at rehearsal, and this is the mark of a true champion this is what i love when i see this i i was nervous i didn't have the reputation i have now you know this is like 2001 right or two yeah and and i said shack you know i have a lot of really over-the-top jokes for the night this is a rehearsal and i never would normally do this but shack respect you know like he he flew me out he's producing this charity event i go you know you and emmet like i'm sure it seems like you have a great sense of humor shack but emmet is he going to be okay with because i'm going to go in man i can't hold back it's just he he goes man no one ever asked me to hold back on the court i'm not going to ask you to hold back at a roast and he shook my hand looked me in the eyes and I was like man I love this guy game on game on Blake was the same way yeah he is in that tradition of smack talk but yeah I also know when I'm kidding and playing and I can take it yes and I'm so freaking good I'm so fucking good nothing hurts yep there you go thank you Jeff Ross thank you so much thanks for having you so much thanks for having me had fun yeah appreciate your thoughtful questions yes check out historical roasts on netflix very funny i haven't watched it but very funny we roast muhammad ali you do it's a goat roast he gets roasted by bruce lee and babe ruth oh wow i like that yeah it's a really cool show sports fans will love kobe there we go ali roast yeah all right thanks jeff that interview with jeff with Jeff Ross was brought to you by Freefly.
A couple weeks ago, this company Freefly Apparel sent me a hat. They sent me underwear.
They sent me shorts. They sent me a shirt.
It is silky, silky smooth. Very, very soft.
I'm actually wearing the hat right now. I like it.
Their underwear is beautiful. It's soft.
It's very convenient. It's just awesome looking.
I love the stuff that they sent me. It's way too swaggy for a guy like me to be wearing.
But you know what? You got to step up in the world sometimes. You look good.
You feel good. You feel good.
Your podcast good. And so I love Free Fly.
They're great. The first impression, I took them out and I was like, this is quite literally the softest shirt that I've ever felt in my life.
And you know what? They're made out of bamboo, if you can believe that. Buttersoft bamboo.
Buttersoft. Let's trademark them.
The team behind Freefly are a wife and husband duo of Nike marketers and her Montana fishing guide brother, basically Jeff Fisher. They identified a big problem.
Outdoor clothing was too complicated and too uncomfortable. Together, they quit their jobs and made it their mission to create the most comfortable shirt imaginable.
Freefly's bamboo clothing has natural UPF sun protection, wicks away moisture, and won't hold odor. The clothes fit well, and they come in a natural color palette with subtle branding.
I love Freefly from fishing to hitting the gym or lounging around the house. This stuff is primo.
Freefly is now my go-to clothing. You have to check it out today.
And guess what? Father's Day is right around the corner. Gear up for adventures with your dad.
You can get 20% off when you visit freeflyapparel.com. Use promo code PMT.
That's freeflyapparel.com. Use promo code PMT and get 20% off.
The interview is also brought to you by Shady Rays. I love Shady Rays.
They're quality sunglasses for less than expensive brands and they have the best warranty. That's right.
They have free lost and broken replacements no matter what happens. So yeah, you heard me.
If you lose your sunglasses, if you go on a river trip, you're on the lake, they fall into the water, you can hit up Shady Rays and they will replace them for free. You just have to pay the small shipping and handling fee, but they replace the sunglasses for free.
The shades are polarized. They're made to hold up no matter what you do outside.
So if you want to save a Benjamin, you might want to give them a shot. And even with that strong of a warranty, they still manage to make quality eyewear that I can tell you.
Holding in my hand, it seems just as good as any expensive pair that I've ever worn. The lenses look perfectly clear, and most Shady Rays cost just $45.
And one of the best parts, Shady Rays also provides 10 meals to fight hunger in America with every order placed. So you buy a pair of sunglasses, you're feeding 10 families.
That's incredible. They provided over 4 million meals to date.
They stand by their product. They do what it takes to get it right.
Free returns and exchanges. Either love the shades or Shady Rays will pay to ship them back.
That's it. And exclusively for our listeners, they gave us the best deal they have to offer.
It's a Black Friday level deal that they're giving us. Use promo code PMT and you get 50% off two or more pairs.

Buy one, get one free.

You can get two pairs for $45 and they're quality sunglasses.

It's the best deal that they offer at Shady Rays.

Redeem only at ShadyRays.com.

Promo code PMT.

Okay, let's get to some segments.

First up, we have a not afraid to go there from Dougoug gottlieb doug gottlieb he went there he went there not afraid to doug gottlieb went after our player rj hampton signed with our team the new zealand breakers he tweeted rj hampton agreeing to sign in new zealand a month ago and only telling colleges this week about is as classless as they come. I blame his parents.
Call the coaches. Tell them your decision.
They all would have wished him well and moved on. What a DB.
I'm assuming that's not defensive back. Yeah, that's a douchebag maneuver.
Yeah. Wow.
Doug got strong words from Doug Gottlieb on that one. Yeah.
Classless.

18 year olds make mistakes, but not not anymore. Only like they now RJ Hampton.
He is a DB. We'll find out in 20 years when RJ grows up, if he has a successful career in the media, getting invited on Colin Coward show once a month.
Right. At that point, we can judge whether or not he was classy as an 18 year old shit is so fucking stupid because every single coach in college athletics pretty much i mean there's a couple guys out there who who are not like this but almost every single coach is climbing the ladder let it cutting scholarships for more talented players recruiting over their scholarship limit that happens all the all the time.
They'll like, hey, end of the bench guy, you lose your scholarship because we found someone else for it. They will move on instantly.
Jimbo Fisher literally quit on FSU because he knew he was going to Texas A&M. He didn't tell anyone that.
All these coaches are looking out for themselves. All these coaches, they'll tell you one day, I want to be here for for life and then the next day they're fucking gone but no an 18 year old has to tell these colleges that basically control him because he would have gone the draft if he was allowed to go to the draft that no i'm actually gonna go play for the new zealand breakers poor bill self poor coach k how will they find another five-star recruit i think the big takeaway here is he should have also let the journalists know beforehand.
Yeah, true. So he didn't give us a heads up.
He didn't give Doug Gottlieb. Dude, he didn't even tell his owners.
Yeah, we didn't know until 30 days after he signed. Yeah, so why should Bill Self know? Exactly.
Well, Doug Gottlieb should know. I'm going to make a change in myself.
Whenever I make a decision to eat lunch, I'm going to be like, hey, Doug, just letting you know I'm having potbelly for lunch could you let chipotle yeah mcdonald's subway all these organizations know because they were all vying for my money and for my business so just pass that along to them let them know um but then rj today now he's doing recruiting force a little forward thing that he's doing he offered lamello ball he said come to new zealand bro and lamello ball just tweeted back saying i'm gonna talk with my people yeah which i assume is us yeah it's us so i think lamello is trying to get in touch with us yeah that's this league for australia yeah that's not a league this is a league one last thing about doug gottlieb it's not a secret that doug gottlieb wants to be a college coach like he wanted the oklahoma state job when it was available I think it was last year or the year before. He knows how this game is played.
College coaches, college basketball coaches especially, are like the tightest fraternity out there. Like you see like Jim Boeheim's only friend is Coach K.
Like all these guys, they get together. They all like, you know, get along.
They all have each other's backs. This is such a shameless move by Doug Gottlieb to basically be like, yeah, these players are out of control.
Let me in your fraternity coaches. Fuck off.
The real victim here is Kansas basketball. Yeah, exactly.
How will they get another five-star recruit? Never. And look, I like it.
I want to go. That's a bucket list item to go see a game at Kansas.
But when you have a bunch of people agreeing with Doug Gottlieb

that all have Lawrence, Kansas in their Twitter title,

it's like, dude, you're just mad because you lost them, which I get.

And again, I do not begrudge coaches going up the ladder,

but don't fucking tell me an 18-year-old can't do the same thing.

Fun little fact, whenever you see somebody doing the hat thing

where they're picking which hat from the college they're going to go to,

they don't know where they're going to go until the second

they put that hat on their head.

So it's not like they couldn't have let anybody else know about it before that time. So like on that hand, I kind of understand what Doug's saying.
It's like it's tradition in this country to make these choices at the very last second. It's so stupid.
I just can't stand when like adults are trying to basically control 18 year old kids and to call out his parents is like such a weird fucking move dude just a weird weird move i don't know and look obviously i'm biased because he's our player oh yeah but i think i'd have a similar reaction even if it was someone else because it's just a crazy move to call an 18 year old a douchebag for wanting to make a decision for himself yeah and i don't really understand why Doug, if it's not for the coaching purposes,

why Doug would be very upset about that.

It's the coaching thing.

He wants to ingratiate himself to the coaching fraternity.

Consider it done.

Yeah, everyone else out there,

Coach K is looking at that and he's like,

that Doug Gottlieb, he knows what he's talking about.

Or you can just...

These kids are fucking out of control.

If you're a kid out there,

just whisper your choice into Jay Billis' ear.

So you told somebody. Yeah.
And then he's not going to tell anyone else. Correct.
Correct. By the way, Brad Calipari.
Yeah. We should put him on the radar, too.
He's on our radar. He's on the transfer portal.
I've indicated that we have preliminary interest in Brad Calipari. Just for the swag.
Just a reminder, next Thursday we're hosting Kentucky Sports Radio. And to say everything is falling into place perfectly between rj hampton and now brad calipari going into the transfer portal it's going to be the the best two hours we've done on that station yeah we've only done six hours on that station but it's going to be great the best two uh uh save metrics you have save metrics yeah so this was sent uh by friend of the program ryan winfield he's he did a little number crunching it's the offseason football, so he needed to kind of get in the game a little bit, had some time to kill, recovering from a vasectomy.
Hopefully the boys are good, Ryan. He put together a spreadsheet.
Wait, this was a vasectomy saber metric? This is a vasectomy saber metric. He should have gotten it in March when all real guys do it.
No, but there's a waiting list probably. That's true.
It's too hot of a thing right now. So he put together a spreadsheet of over-unders by announcers in the NFL.
Okay. Who do you think, out of all the major announcing teams, and I'm saying the ones that do 17 to 25 games a year, who do you think had the highest percentage of overs? Monday Night Crew.
No, charles davis and kevin burkhardt you said the fucking the main ones well they do a game every weekend oh i know but that's not the main game i was okay i'm not talking about prime time joe buck no the ones that the ones that do like let's say that's not 12 to 20 games a year interpretation of that because there are a lot of there are a lot of b teams that that only come out for like one or two games. Right.
Okay. Just tell me the main four.
Okay. So Al Michaels and Chris Collinsworth, they only hit the over 33% of the time.
That's actually a friend of the program. Tom Fornelli always says Sunday night unders, Monday night overs.
Yeah. It's a little mind fuck.
I always say that. Yeah.
Hank always says that. Edit that out.
Say Hank always says that. It's a mind fuck because you live to hear Al Michaels just say, and this one is over.
Right. And so every time he says that, you're like, oh, it must happen all the time.
Only 33% for those guys. If you go down the list for Troy Aikman, 60% of the time.
Okay. With him and Joe Buck, it hits you over.
Let's see what else we have here.

Let's see.

The worst one is Al Michaels and Chris Collinsworth.

That's by far the worst one.

Kevin Harlan, Rich Gannon only hit the over 35% of the time.

So if you're looking to make money on the over, go for Sam Rosen and Chris Carter, Kevin Burkhart, and Charles Davis.

Just give us the mean booths.

Jim Nance and Tony Romo, what do you think about them? I don't know. 53%.
Only 35% of the time. Damn, I was right with the numbers.
Yeah. Just reversed.
Yeah, very right. Just completely wrong.
Well, 53, 35. You're exactly right.
Yeah. The Monday night booth, only 43% of the time.
Oh. Hits the overs.
Better than the Sunday, though. But now that Booger's up in the booth, that could all change.
could all change the dynamic switches. There could all change.
So yeah, that's just, it got me going. Got me thinking about football.
How far back does it go? It just this season. Huge sample size.
Just a season. I thought this was like historical.
No, it is historical. It is historical, but I thought it was like a 10 year sample size.
He's, he to get like seven vasectomies to do all that math. Well, if you have to get another vasectomy.
Next person get a vasectomy, do 2017. Yeah, and let's keep going back and back and back.
Let's get 10-year sample size, then we'll compile it all. Yep.
Someone set up a Google spreadsheet where we can put it all into it. All right.
Thank you, Ryan. I mean, that's a hilarious way to spend a vasectomy.
Yeah's like fuck well i'm just gonna dig deep into this that's what guys that when we can't nut we just start doing math right right because it's the most distracting it takes up all our time um oh i had a quick tim tebow update oh he got struck out by a positional player okay i don't care like i said i don't care bring him up sometimes you have to listen He got gassed by a positional player. Do you see it? Tebow rises to the level of his competition.
So it doesn't surprise me that he would strike out against a bad pitcher. Last up, we had a bad visual for Scottie Pippen because he's suing a five-year-old.
Yeah, it's a tough look. But I read it, and I actually agree with him.
So essentially, he has a property in Florida. He rented it out.
The people trashed the house. And part of the trashing of the house was someone took crayons to all the walls.
And it was most likely a five-year-old. So, boom, you're getting sued.
I like that. You'll think twice before doing that again.
You'll never learn if you don't get sued by Scottie Pippen. Yeah.
No tipping Pippen. Come on.
You better get that five-year-old. I want to see that five-year-old on the stand.
Do they do that for like six suits? Oh, yeah. You fucking better believe they do.
Okay, let's get that five-year-old on the stand. Yeah.
Let's see her handwriting. Let's match her handwriting up against the wall.
Show me on this house where the crayon touched the wall. Yeah, exactly.
And just go do it, and then we'll match him up. Yeah, Scottie Pippen.
Well, you don't get rich by not suing five-year-olds. Correct.
I mean, you have to sue everyone. Save every penny.
I hope to someday be at a point where I can just start suing everyone. I would like to sue Riley Curry for not showing up in this postseason and facing the media.
I'd agree. I'd agree.
Frontrunner. If this is your first part of my take, you probably think I have a pretty big ax to grind with Riley Curry the number of times I brought her up.
I was going to say, you're right. You're absolutely right.
I don't like the fact that she goes out there after a win, and she gets a hot dog. Pulls the curtains and does all the cute shit.
And then after a loss, she doesn't have to answer for a poor performance. Nope.
Nope. She's nowhere to be found.
She's probably asleep. Mm-hmm.
Probably past her bedtime. Yeah.
Oh, isn't it convenient that the game started at 1030 at night? Yeah. Jesus Christ.
I can't believe that they start so late.

In Newfoundland, it started at 10.

Yeah.

All right, Hank.

FAQs.

Let's finish up episode 500.

Do you hear that noise?

It's a bowling alley.

We're upstairs from bowling alley.

I feel like that's a subway, but the subway is not near here.

Oh, yes, it is.

It's right underneath us?

That is the subway.

That's the subway.

Okay, so we built the studio on top of a somewhat operational subway. Sup, PFT? How many times have you cut your hair since the show debut? Zero.
Whoa, not even a trim? No, I have. I've had to trim it a couple times.
Trimming is fine. I still consider myself not a native long hair person because I've only had long hair for the last six years, seven years.
But I did grow up having long hair, so I don't know how to deal with it sometimes. I think a couple of inches is not like a cut.
Once it gets down to the fourth nipple, that's when it's time to trim the split ends off a little bit. That's a good way to measure it.
Hey, PMT, I've always wondered this. Where are you guys on the corporate ladder of Barstool? Are you guys in charge of different departments at the company or just have to worry about PMT? Thanks.
We're walking forward to every episode. Yeah, dude, we make all the fucking big heavy hitter decisions.
We're walking under the corporate ladder holding a black cat stepping on a broken mirror. Here's a good example of what we do and do not know.
We hired someone today and we didn't know until Dave tweeted it. Yeah.
That's how we found out when everyone else did uh yeah i would say not really i mean we work on the things we work on but in terms of uh corporate meetings i don't know i went when we first got bought by churn and they like had me kevin me and kevin go out there kevin and i uh kevin and i. Kevin and I go out to L.A.
to meet them,

and they're like, yeah, this is just as much about you

as it is about Dave and everything.

And that was like it.

That was like three years ago.

I don't get a text or anything from them ever.

Yeah, the biggest corporate decision I make

is which wing place to order from.

Yeah.

Was there a particular show where Big Cat and PFT

had major beef going into it? What were you two fighting about? I don't think so. No.
We don't really have major beef. No.
I think it's more what happens is there's times of tension, just of like tired or being together for a very long time. Most of the beef you hear plays out in the show.
Yeah, true. Like, I don't want to eat poop.
Oh, yeah, you said that you had to, but you bullied me into it. Oh, no, you got to eat poop.
Okay, I'll eat poop. I can't remember.
I don't think we've ever gotten in, like, a big fight. It's more literally, like, you can tell when we have been working, like, too much, and there's just, it's like frayed tension.
It's like the hair's gotten to the fourth nipple, time to cut it off. Yeah.
We've gotten some fights about really stupid shit, like should we get a full squat rack in the studio? No, Hank fought us on that. Yeah, that was me and you versus him.
Yeah. That always sucks for Hank when it's just me and PFT.
Like, shut up, Hank. But he's usually right.
Always. Dan Bilzerian? Yeah.
Let's get a convertible on this trip. That's what we fight about.
Yeah, that's true. PFT wants to get a two-seater for four people.
On his convertible shit again. Is the PMT crew iPhone guys, or does one of you fuck up the group messages? No, never fuck up the group message.
Never. Although, I'm a WePhone guy.
I saw our friend Mark Titus tweeting about that today because he is an Android user. It fucks me up.
Everyone knows one or two Android users are in their life. But he said he had a good point that he doesn't get included in group messages, which is actually awesome.
Because what happens when you're a group message is you get out of something like you get out of a movie or you get out of like doing something, you look at your phone, there's 50 text messages, you think the world's on fire and it's two dudes debating something stupid, back and forth in a group text. Yeah, but we all are iPhone guys.
Yeah, we rock the iPhone. I need a new one by the way.
Someone remind me. Maybe she's got a case.
Fuck you, dude. You thinkve jobs wants you to put a fucking case on that thing yeah it's like taking a shower with raincoat on he wants you to break it so you have to get another one well break mission accomplished job he makes him slippery you got me uh here's one for for me you know remember sporkle yeah if there was a sporkle for 500 episodes of pmt wait what's sporkle it was the uh was the quiz show? Yeah, it was just like lists.
It would be like 500 blank spaces. But if you typed in like Ryan Whitney, it would fill in like however many, 10.
How many of the 500 guests could you do? Whoa, shit. Well, we haven't had 500 guests.
No, we probably had like 300 guests. That's what I'm saying.
So if you're typing in it, it's 500 blank spaces. You type in Ryan Whitney and it fills in whatever, 50.
All right. So we can't do all that.
But here's a question for you guys. How many out of 500? Oh, I could probably get like 80% of the unique guess.

I'd probably get 80%.

I would be less than that, I think.

Here's a good question.

Who has appeared as a guest the most on part of my take?

What's your guys' guess?

Florio.

Florio would be a good guess.

Whitney's up there.

Mr. Portnoy.

Florio.

Chris Long has been. Blake Griffin.
Bortles. Bortles.
Titus. There's a few that we've had on probably about seven or eight times.
Florio, Whitney. Florio and Whitney are probably up there.
Significantly ahead. Yeah.
Probably Florio. Stacey King.
Hung up on me because I asked if... About Scottie Pippen's dick.
He didn't want to get sued. Yeah, he wanted...
Yeah, I said it was a true Scottie Pippen had a bigger dick than MJ alright and then people oh and is there anyone this will be the last one is there anyone other than Dak Prescott or Dan Marino who gave a shitty interview you would want to run it back with oh I wouldn't want to run it back with either of them yeah like maybe Dak face to face fuck no he's fucked us over twice over twice. We're not a Dak podcast.
Who have we screwed up that we would like to run it back? I don't think so. I mean, there's obviously interviews where we know we like.
Mike Ditka. Crushed it.
Mike Ditka because Hank forgot the batteries. No.
What happened? just, we stopped recording and fucked up.

Why did we stop recording?

No, we didn't realize until after we recorded that it was fucked.

Oh.

We couldn't go back.

Got it. Okay, why was it fucked up?

Because when we stopped recording, the recording just didn't show up.

Got it.

Okay.

That was early on.

That was in his, we showed up to Dick's Steakhouse.

We like walked in.

We're like, hey, we're here.

Because I, remember how that happened?

Instead of recording on a recorder with four recorders,

I don't know. that was in his we showed up to uh dicka's steakhouse we like walked in we're like hey we're here because i remember how that happened instead of recording on a recorder with four recorders i had two separate two channel recorders yeah but remember how that happened how ridiculous that interview was that was early on loud sean gave us the like the the nfl black book and dicka's phone number was in there i just took it called him and i was coach, huge fan, would love to interview for our podcast.
Pardon my take. We're going to be in Chicago.
He's like, all right, come to my restaurant at 6 o'clock Wednesday night. We showed up, and we're like, hey, we're here to interview coach.
He's like, he's upstairs where he always is. And we just show up, and we're like, hey, coach, we're here for the podcast interview.
He's like, okay, fine. And he's like, sit down.
And we just sat down next to them bussing tables go you were wearing a shirt like what is going on wearing a shirt with his face on it and he was like i'm not getting paid for that yeah yeah well the first time i showed him my shirts he farted on me so that was back kato kalen i'd like a review on kato screlly yeah maybe tell him hey dude you're going to jail uh i think i did tell him that. Yeah, I think we did tell him that, but it's been wild.
I don't know. I mean,

it would be fun to go back through the whole list.

Someone make a sparkle for us.

Can someone do that, please?

And also count the announcers. Someone start with

2018, please. 17, 17.

Right? Yeah, we'll do 2017

first, and then get your other ball

cut off in 2016. Alright, that's our show.

We'll see you on Monday. Love you guys.
I'm talking away. I don't know what I have to say.
I'd say it anyway.

Today is on my date to find you.

Shine away.

I'm coming for your love of free.

Shine away.

I'm coming for your love of free.

So you're going to leave me on the way.

I'm coming for your love of free. Thank you.
The song is the things that you say. Is it a lifeboat? Just to play that part of the reason away.
You are the things I've got to remember. Are we shining away? Are we coming for you in many ways? Are we shining away? Are we coming for you in many ways? Say, come on.
Say, come on. Say, come on.
Say, come on. Say, come on.
We'll be right back. Take on me Take on me

Take on me