Comedian Jeff Ross + Chris Long For Episode 500

Speaker 1 Hey, pardon my take, listeners. You can find every episode on Apple Podcasts, Spotify, or YouTube.
Prime members can listen ad-free on Amazon Music.

Speaker 2 Man, I'll tell you what, when you're hungry out there, you start acting like a rookie quarterback in his first game, making bad decisions, messing up the basics, being all out of sorts.

Speaker 2 That's where Snickers comes in, man. That thing is packed.
Roasted peanuts, nugget, caramel, milk chocolate. It's like the MVP of candy bars.

Speaker 2 And when you bite into it, boom, it sorts you out, gets your head back in the game of life, satisfying your hunger. Remember this: Snickers handles your hunger so you can handle everything else.

Speaker 2 Snickers satisfies, man.

Speaker 1 That's a winning play. On today's part in my take, the 500th episode, number 500.
What is that in Spanish?

Speaker 1 Cincuente

Speaker 1 trace.

Speaker 1 Cinquenta Cienni. Well, it's the 500th episode.
500. 500.
We've made it. I don't know how we've made it.
We're going to talk a little bit about that. We're going to talk about NBA Finals first.

Speaker 1 We have Comedy Roast Master Jeff Ross. Hilarious story he tells us about his prank War World cousin Sal, which he still is like

Speaker 1 to this day. A little torn up about it.

Speaker 1 A little like scars there. Tom Cruise actually fixed it for him, so he tells that whole crazy story.
We have the

Speaker 1 Cuinientos. You Googled it? No, I just remember.
Okay, you you Googled that.

Speaker 1 We have the first. Bub was just shaking his head like, bro, you just Googled that.

Speaker 1 We have the first ever part of my take guest, Chris Long, back on for fastest or

Speaker 1 best four minutes.

Speaker 1 Four good minutes. Four good minutes.
Four good minutes. Yeah, that was for the first show or the second show, if you're counting.
We tried that and it failed spectacularly.

Speaker 1 So we have all that, a packed Friday show for you. What's up, guys? It's Big Cat here making my Irish entrance with proper number 12 12 Irish whiskey.
How do you make an Irish entrance, you ask?

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Speaker 1 In the mood for something smooth but a little sweeter, try proper Irish apple, a delicious blend of Proper's award-winning Irish whiskey with crisp, fresh notes of apple.

Speaker 1 So get out there and make your Irish entrance. Anything else just wouldn't be proper.
Okay, let's go.

Speaker 1 Now in the street, there is violence.

Speaker 1 And now

Speaker 1 the work to be done.

Speaker 1 No place behind a low washing.

Speaker 1 And then again,

Speaker 1 oh no, we're gonna rock it down to Elaine, Trick I Brand new.

Speaker 1 And then we take it higher.

Speaker 1 Oh, we're gonna rock it down to Elay, Trick High.

Speaker 1 Welcome to part of my take presented by the Cash App. Go download it right now and put in the code Barstool, and you get $5 to the ASPCA.
Today is Friday, May 31st,

Speaker 1 and it's our 500th episode. Yay! We'll get to that in a minute.
The more important news: Kevin Durant's got to be feeling real good right now. Very conflicted, Kevin Durant.
Real good.

Speaker 1 And I'll jump right into the Skip Bayless takes. That sound you hear is Kevin Durant's calf magically healing itself.

Speaker 1 So I guess Skip Bayless can hear muscle fibers just weaving themselves in position. So Kevin Durant got to look at that game and be like, hey, maybe you do need me because we finally

Speaker 1 have a new NBA Finals and we have a finals that looks like it might be a series because the Raptors, we the North, shout out all the people at Jurassic Park that were there from like 10 a.m. on.

Speaker 1 The Raptors win game one.

Speaker 1 10 a.m. It was more like 3 a.m.
It was crazy.

Speaker 1 They all took the day off. It was crazy.
Does Canada, they get Thursdays off?

Speaker 1 When the Raptors make it to the NBA Finals, you get every single day off in Canada. I like it.
So the Raptors win. Pascal Siakam was insane.
Kawhi was Kawhi.

Speaker 1 And the Warriors have to basically...

Speaker 1 I was actually very impressed by the Raptors' defense, and the Warriors now have to say, ooh, hopefully Kevin Durant will come back, or most likely they'll just become the Warriors again and probably win the rest of the series.

Speaker 1 So they didn't shoot very well. They shot like 33% or something from the field.
Not great for the Warriors. That's probably not going to last.

Speaker 1 And it's one of those circumstances where it's like, hey, if we're going to get beat by Mark Gasol, Seattle.

Speaker 1 Mark Titus Gasol, Fred Van Skeet shooting ropes. Dude, Fred Van Vleet is awesome now.
He is very, very, he's good. After he had the kid.
Do you know what he has, too? A child. No, he also has a booty.

Speaker 1 Fred Van Vliet's got a little junk in the caboose. Gets him going.
He's one of those guys that, like, he'll do that dribble up and he can kind of box you out like 40 feet from the basket.

Speaker 1 A little PJ Tucker action going on with it. It's nice.
It's nice. It is.
Yeah, the Raptors look really good. The Warriors, the thing about the Warriors is they're never out of it.

Speaker 1 So even when they were down by 11 points in the fourth quarter, I was like, Hank, we got this. Because me and Hank made some basic bitch bets tonight.
And I just took the Warriors straight up. I bet.

Speaker 1 I was like, Warriors, wait, the Warriors are good. And the Raptors, they lose in the playoffs.
I bet on the Raptors.

Speaker 1 Shout out Toronto because I know they think we've been dogging them all postseason, which we kind of have, but whatever. The Raptors hold court on game one.
Drake was all over the place.

Speaker 1 It is the Drake series. They even had a sit-down, I think, with Adam Silver.
Oh, good.

Speaker 1 By the way, like, I think Drake's kind of annoying, but it's still good for an NBA Finals where it's like, you get to see him reacting. He might be banned because he touched Steph Curry.

Speaker 1 He picked something off of his hair, and he then wrote on Instagram, Steph Curry hairlint for sale on my eBay right now. Username Draymond shouldn't wear 23.

Speaker 1 He like mean-mugged him on the way out, got in Draymond's face on the way out.

Speaker 1 I don't, I think Drake, when he touches Nick Nurse, it's weird, but this stuff I kind of like. Yeah, that's what I was saying going into the series.

Speaker 1 It's good to have Drake stirring shit up on the sideline. I need Drake more involved.
I need him in the post-game. I need him like answering questions

Speaker 1 with the team. He were Dale Curry's raptors.
He was.

Speaker 1 I want to see him with his illegitimate child, like Riley Curry, on his lap. Yep.
Both answering questions together.

Speaker 1 He takes the Petty Wars to the final level. This is the final boss of this league/slash Petty Wars.
That was pusher T, right? That said he had the illegitimate kid that he wanted to acknowledge.

Speaker 1 Yeah, we don't talk about that.

Speaker 1 He didn't respond to it. We squashed it.
We squashed it. We squashed it.
Yeah. Blessed up.
We also had the classic rest versus Rust. Rust wins.
So the Warriors did look rusty in the first quarter.

Speaker 1 I think they scored the fewest points they'd had in a quarter in the first quarter of these finals this playoffs. So they looked rusty coming in.
Boogie Cousins made a couple appearances.

Speaker 1 And I don't, I mean, if we're sitting here right now, like, hey, who do you still think is going to win the series?

Speaker 1 I obviously still think it's going to be the Warriors, but I'm just excited that it's going to at least go five, and we at least push that bet, Hank, of how many more NBA games are there going to be.

Speaker 1 I think it will go six at least. Um, so credit to the Raptors.
I still don't think anybody can beat the Bucs. Credit to the Raptors.
Yeah, Giannis, monster. Thanks so much.

Speaker 1 Credit to the Raptors for showing up. We the North.
And one last thing on the game for me, real quick. Toronto's victory was a total team effort.

Speaker 1 Kawhi scored 23, and Fred Van Vliet scored scored 15 off the bench. As a team, they played outstanding defense.
Thanks, Magic.

Speaker 1 I love it. So good.
Magic is really, really good. It's so fun.
So we were watching it, and as you know, the Raptors maintained a pretty healthy lead.

Speaker 1 They kept some distance throughout basically the entire game. Once or twice, the Warriors got within five or six points.
Yeah. But it was a pretty healthy lead.

Speaker 1 And I asked you, I said, do you think that if it was the four of us, me, you, Hank, Bubba, and we'll throw in

Speaker 1 Mark Titus.

Speaker 1 No, we can't put Mark Titus in here. We have to have a bad basketball player.
Okay, let's throw in Rosillo. Mark Titus now.
No, Rosillo now. Rosillo? Yeah, he's pretty bad.
He's pretty bad.

Speaker 1 So if it was the five of us and we had a 100-point lead against the Golden State Warriors at the start of the fourth quarter, could we hold him off? Yes. I don't think so.
Absolutely.

Speaker 1 We wouldn't be able to dribble. Five fouls each?

Speaker 1 What? So you're saying that to just wait. That's not enough fouls.
Wait, but we'd have to get the ball in. Yeah.

Speaker 1 We'd have to inbound. I don't think I could inbound the ball.
I don't think think we could inbound the ball.

Speaker 4 I could bring it up, just throw Allie Up.

Speaker 1 I do. Hey, you think you could bring it up? Hank, I was doing the math.

Speaker 1 I was crunching the math how long we could just keep getting eight seconds and then having them get the ball back and shoot right away. And I think they would probably still win.
No, easy.

Speaker 4 We'd win by 30. Yeah.

Speaker 1 I think what we'd have to do is just, we'd have to foul a shitload. But the problem is it stops a clock.

Speaker 1 Yeah, I just don't, I think we would still lose, and it would be like hilarious how bad we would look because I don't think we'd get the ball in half the time I mean I get at least a couple dunks in there just throw the ball I was saying the strategy would be to just throw the ball to half court and try to get a hand on it like basically play like hail mary game where we try to get a hand on it and then just let chaos ensue and hope that that takes enough time over time to waste the clock.

Speaker 1 You know what we do? We just have Rosillo throw the ball full court aim for the for the backboard on the other end of the court. Who knows where the ball is going to bounce out?

Speaker 1 That wastes at least a couple ducks. I don't think it starts though until someone touches the ball.
Not even if it hits the backboard? I don't know the exact rule.

Speaker 1 I'm pretty sure you have to actually touch the ball

Speaker 1 for the clock to start. Okay,

Speaker 1 we need to actually figure this out. Because I don't think that's ever been done either.

Speaker 1 I think his arm would get tired. Like, I actually don't think he'd be able to do that.
Yeah, he doesn't really work out as much anymore. Yeah, so

Speaker 1 I'm saying we'd probably still lose. Hank thinks he'd be, you think your handles are sick enough

Speaker 1 to cross up Clay in his pass.

Speaker 1 You need to pass. Think about the matchup.
You need to dribble. Think about the matchups.
Steph Curry would be on PFT. Definitely.
Clay would be on you.

Speaker 1 Okay.

Speaker 1 Liam would probably have Iggy. I'd have Draymond on me.
Or no, probably Draymond on Rasilo. No, that's what you do.
You just have to get inside Draymond's head a little bit.

Speaker 1 Maybe, actually, maybe draw a technical. Actually, you know what? Mismatch, Kevon Looney, I would take him down.
So you're right. Just get it to me in the low post.

Speaker 4 It'd be good fundamental drill.

Speaker 1 Moving without the ball. I actually do think I'm stronger than that.
Set some back screens for each other.

Speaker 1 I could box Steph Curry out. No.
Yes. Dude, he's like eight inches taller than he's six feet tall.
He's 5'9 and a half. He's 6'3.

Speaker 4 It's not about who's the tallest, it's about who's the lowest.

Speaker 1 That's right. I got a much bigger ass.
I've seen Asian's ass. I don't think you guys think that's a good idea.

Speaker 1 Steph does not know how to handle an ass like that. I think you guys are thinking like we could just throw the ball in and not dribble and just run around.
No, we would. We would have to go.

Speaker 1 100 they don't call travels.

Speaker 4 The key factor is 100 points in 12 minutes.

Speaker 1 Yeah, I mean, it's a lot of points, but they would just basically play four on, like, they would just cover everyone and have Steph just stand at the corner three, and they'd steal it, throw it to him, swish.

Speaker 1 Now, if you steal it, throw it to him, switch. If you traded Rosillo for Deli,

Speaker 1 he's a warrior. Then we're fine.
Yeah, these are fucking warriors. Then we're fired.
We're great. They'd put everyone on him and we would just feast.

Speaker 1 So, yeah, this is going to be, I mean, I'm excited for this series now because of what the Raptors did. So they need Kevin Durant back.

Speaker 1 I'm going to say it. I'm going to say, Kevin Durant, you've got to come back, man.
Something to keep an eye on. Iggy might be hurt.
Oh, yeah. Or worse.
Injured.

Speaker 1 Iggy is like Sean Lee. He's always a various state of hurt.
He's teetering on the edge. Yeah, once you get to a certain age, it's not like, is he hurt? It's just like,

Speaker 1 can he get to like 75%?

Speaker 1 I did like the vest that he was wearing tonight, though. Yeah.

Speaker 1 It looked like the Kool-Aid man fucked a bottle of Tang. Absurd.
He just like, he basically went to Goodwill and found the most ripped up sweater and then ripped it up more.

Speaker 1 I said it looked like the couch from Snick, hand up. That's not a great take.
It looked more like the couch from the wire. Oh, yeah.
Yeah. Nice little orange.
Yeah.

Speaker 1 That's, yeah, it was a very, he looked like he was like old, old school like Tom Jackson Broncos. Yeah, and it had the little like little slit, just a little tiny slit for him to stick his head.

Speaker 1 Like a poncho, yeah. Yeah, it kind of looked like if you took the couch from the, if you made a fleshlight out of the couch from the wire, yeah, that's what it looked like.

Speaker 1 It looked like the sweater that you put on if you just smoke like out of a bong for four days straight and never leave your house, and then someone rings your doorbell. Yeah.

Speaker 1 And you're like, oh, shit, I got to get dressed real quick. Yeah.
And your dick's just hanging out at the bottom. You know what it is?

Speaker 1 It's the classic, I'm hung over on my couch all day Saturday and then the delivery guy came. The Chinese food delivery guy's at the door.
But your Zach Efron meets Sean Payton kind of close.

Speaker 1 I have to cover myself up with whatever's available. Yeah.
A little callback there.

Speaker 1 So we have a series. The Stanley Cup final, we also have a series.
The Blues have won their first Stanley Cup final game in the history of their organization. They're 1 in 13 all time.

Speaker 1 And that, listen, I know Blues fans will say I'm being mean right now. I'm just stating facts.
Credit to you. One in 13 all time.
That's impressive. A lais les bleu.
1-0 in the last one.

Speaker 1 It's pretty good. Yeah.
Are you worried, Hank? No. No, not at all?

Speaker 1 Not even a little bit. Not even enough to like watch the games.
What do you mean? Did you watch the game last night?

Speaker 4 I was living and dying.

Speaker 1 It was a good game. It was fucking physical as shit.

Speaker 4 And the third period, I know I'm not obviously a die-hard hockey fan, but third period tie game is as heart-stopping as it can get for sports.

Speaker 1 There's nothing like a Stanley Cup final or playoff hockey late third tied game pipe.

Speaker 1 When it hits the pipe, it's like that is like stop time stands still or a minute. Yeah, or a breakaway or like, yeah, an odd man rushing.

Speaker 1 It's just time stands still, though, when you have that pipe and you're just like, oh, fuck. Overtime hockey just sucks ass if you're rooting for one of the teams.
Yeah. It is awful.

Speaker 4 Even though there is like that feeling of like you have super anxiety when it's tied in the third period, and then you have that slight moment of taking a deep breath when it goes into overtime, but then you're like, oh, fuck.

Speaker 1 Yeah.

Speaker 4 Now it's overtime again.

Speaker 1 Yeah, now you're right back into it. I think I'm rooting for St.
Louis, and here's why. I want to see what new kinds of fucked up food and celebrations St.
Louis does that I don't know about yet.

Speaker 1 Because I learned something new about the St. Louis culinary tradition every year.
Yeah. Whether it's their pizza, which my understanding is like saltine cracker with ketchup and then like a lunchable

Speaker 1 cheddar or not cheddar, whatever the yellow

Speaker 1 bit too. You just leave it outside on your driveway for about eight hours and that's their pizza.
Be nice to St. Louis.
They won their first stand on pizza. I like it.

Speaker 1 Listen, I'm rooting for them because I want to see

Speaker 1 what kind of weird traditions they do. Yeah.
Yeah. Yeah.
Or the cutting the bagels

Speaker 1 like

Speaker 1 top wise? Yeah. I don't even know what to fucking call that.
Yeah. What do you say, Hank?

Speaker 4 No, I mean, they just got Panera stolen from them, but they're in denial about that one.

Speaker 1 Well, they still have St. Louis.
That's what I'm saying. Yeah, bread company.

Speaker 4 But it's not.

Speaker 1 Either way, that's going to be. That's a good series.
I mean, that's.

Speaker 4 Like, it's not Panera. I mean, it's not St.

Speaker 1 Louis bread company. Well, it is in St.
Louis. Oh, really? Traditional thing, yeah.
Outside the city walls. They just still have that on

Speaker 1 the restaurants. They just knew that if they called it St.
Louis outside of St. Louis, everybody would be like, I'm not eating at the St.
Louis restaurant. Right.

Speaker 1 They tried that with Skyline Chili, but it didn't take on. It used to just be Cincinnati Diarrhea.
And then they're like, let's try to make some of the things. No, it's called Skyline Diarrhea.

Speaker 1 Now they're like, hey, let's just call it Chili and see if anybody eats it.

Speaker 1 Okay, so that's going to be a good series. Very, like, the one thing I loved about the first two games of the Stanley Cup final is the two games were so opposite.

Speaker 1 Like, the Bruins were dominant in the first game, outshot them by a million, and the Blues were just so physical in the second game.

Speaker 1 So I love series when, like, basically the way the games are played just shifts every single game. And now they're not going to be any penalties called from this point on.
Right.

Speaker 1 Game three and after in the Stanley Cup. The boys swallow the whistles.

Speaker 1 Okay, so. 500 episodes.
We are here. We said we'd get to it.
So we're at our 500th episode. I still can't believe 500.
Someone actually, we didn't even know.

Speaker 1 We walked by and Mikey Podcast was like, you know, it's the 500th episode today. I don't even know if he knows.
Like, it could be, for all we know, it could be like 505. It could be 482.

Speaker 1 I mean, the math kind of checks out on that. Sure.
Right? Maybe? I don't know. I can't add up those kind of numbers, but it's crazy that we're here.
It's crazy where we started.

Speaker 1 It's even crazier that... Month over month, we've grown literally every month, which I still can't believe that.
We look at it every time. We're like, how does this keep happening?

Speaker 1 This summer is going to be the ultimate test. Well, because after the Women's World Cup, there are no sports until training camp summer.

Speaker 1 But Hank was looking at last year grit week to this year, grit week, and it's substantial. Year over year.
Yeah. So that's what we care about.

Speaker 1 So credit to all of you guys who have listened, who've shared, who've sent it to people, who've like enjoyed, you know, doing this with us.

Speaker 1 I just want to say, I don't know if we've improved that much, but I think that our listeners have improved. Oh, big time.

Speaker 1 They might be in line for most improved podcast listeners this year. Well, the takies are coming up.
They are. So, but it's been crazy.
I don't really know what else to say other than

Speaker 1 I still like.

Speaker 1 I think we still pinch ourselves every now and then. We're like, wait, so this is still working really, really well? Like, we're still

Speaker 1 at the top of the sports? Like, what? If we were to think back over the 500 episodes,

Speaker 1 what is that noise? Besides building a new podcast studio next to a,

Speaker 1 I guess, a bobsled track. What is that?

Speaker 1 They're running a bobsled episode. Oh, yeah we're in our new studio for 500 which is crazy but what are the worst ideas that we've had

Speaker 1 probably saying suck my dick instead of hello terrible that was a pretty bad one we held on to harambe for a little too long yeah no we were selling the

Speaker 1 we were moving some fucking products we were fucking moving

Speaker 1 we were as staying the bid we tried to get rid of harambe and then our merch people were like yeah that's true

Speaker 1 they did they were like hey guys do you have any more harambes do you have any more dead gorillas we can fucking profit off of we considered killing a gorilla Just that we could

Speaker 1 move shit. We were moving waste.
We were. We took, you know what? We held on to Harambe much better than his zookeepers did.
Yes, yes.

Speaker 1 We owe the people, it's been a long time since we've done a pardon my bake. We owe them that.
I feel like you just want to get high. Yeah.
Well, duh. Don't you? Yeah, I do.

Speaker 1 Listen, I'm dealing with a broken, not anymore, a pretty much broken rib. Yeah.
An official broken rib from the x-ray. So like we podcast through some shit on this show.
Yeah, we do.

Speaker 1 We podcast podcast through a lot of shit.

Speaker 1 And so you got bit by a dog? I got bit by a dog. That's a day forever ago.

Speaker 1 We should, so we're going to do our interview with Chris Long. He was our first guest ever.
For people who remember the start of this show, it was drastically different.

Speaker 1 It was, so when we first started, we were going to tape it in the, like at 10 a.m. Monday, Wednesday, Friday.
And what's this noise now?

Speaker 1 It's

Speaker 1 an earthquake. They built an airport at Madison Square Garden.
Everyone tweet all business Pete tomorrow and be like, way to build a podcast studio. No, don't do that, but maybe do.
Maybe do.

Speaker 1 Just once.

Speaker 1 We started the show. We were going to do 30 minutes tight every day from, or sorry, Monday, Wednesday, Friday.
We're going to tape it at 10 a.m. and put it out at noon.

Speaker 1 That didn't last more than a week because we were like, this is stupid. My brain doesn't work in the morning.
No, it's really dumb.

Speaker 1 We also, one of the dumbest things we were going to do, and this was why we had Chris Long back on, we were going to do, instead of five good minutes from PTI, four good minutes.

Speaker 1 We interviewed Chris Long. You can go listen to the episode, and we didn't even get a question because the four minutes were up.
We also had a shitload of sound effects, the reggaet time.

Speaker 1 Yeah, put in a regular time. I don't mind.
Hank, when we switched, when we switched topics on our segments tonight, toss in the reggae time. Yeah, just for old time's sake,

Speaker 1 for the real ones. And so for the 500th episode, we have Chris Long back on for exactly four minutes.

Speaker 1 And here is our first ever guest, longtime friend, now two-time Super Bowl champion winner and retired quitter. He's a quitter.
Pot smoker. Chris Long.

Speaker 1 Okay, we now welcome on the very first guest we ever had on Pardon My Take. It is Chris Long, now two-time Super Bowl winner.
He had zero when we first had him on. Man, time changes.

Speaker 1 So the first time we ever had Chris on, we did fastest four minutes. PFD and I had a genius idea to do the PTI bit, but one minute faster.
Yeah, like the whole eight-minute abs type thing.

Speaker 1 Yeah, we're like, we'll just do interviews for four minutes. We had Chris on.
We barely got through the intro. We got like one question in.

Speaker 5 Yeah, my parents came to the door and like had this. That was right.

Speaker 1 Howie was on the first show, yeah. And

Speaker 5 I was like, Dad, I'm on an important show.

Speaker 5 And he was like, yeah, whatever, son.

Speaker 1 And it wasn't at the time. It was not.
But it was.

Speaker 1 Is it at this point? Yeah, very. Oh, culturally? I think it was probably more important then.
Culturally, we are probably the most important

Speaker 1 show for people who don't know what the fuck they're doing and kind of just like fuck around for a living. Big Cat brings up a lot.

Speaker 5 Or teenagers slash 23-year-old dudes with the white hats with the numeric or the letters of their colleges.

Speaker 1 Yeah,

Speaker 1 those guys have an awesome. The Peckers, I had the University of Bionover.

Speaker 5 Stop by a dude. If I had a dollar for every dude that fit that demo that stopped me and said, AWL, bro.

Speaker 1 Well, you, you, now, in fairness, you live in a fucking college town, Chris. Yeah.

Speaker 1 Chris is wondering why all these college kids keep coming up to him as he walks through the quad. That's true.

Speaker 1 So, Big Cat brings up a good point. When you first came on the show, you had zero rings.
Now you have two. How much of your success do you attribute to coming on Pardon My Take? Great question, PFT.

Speaker 1 Thank you.

Speaker 1 7%.

Speaker 1 I'll take it. Seven.
Which is a lot. That's more than a lot of people.

Speaker 5 I mean, like, if you break it down to, like, people or entities that have had to do with my success, that's pretty high up because you've got to, you know, slice the pie up.

Speaker 1 So 92% Howie, 1% you, 7% us.

Speaker 1 How much? Yeah, are we more or less than your high school football coach?

Speaker 5 Oh, than John Blake?

Speaker 1 Yeah.

Speaker 1 No, he was like 8%. All right, he's 8%.
All right, good answer. So, Chris, another question for you.
How impressed are you with what we've accomplished?

Speaker 5 It's kind of dumbfounding.

Speaker 1 Go on.

Speaker 5 I mean, this is, you're calling me. You were like, hey, man, we're doing our 500th episode.
And I kind of thought to myself, I was like, are they good? Like, are they getting canceled?

Speaker 5 Like, is this like some final episode? Like,

Speaker 1 you're a noted pot smoker, Natalie. You were confused, probably.

Speaker 5 Oh, maybe. No.
I don't smoke pot with the sun out, dude. And you texted me pretty early today.

Speaker 1 Only on rainy days. Yeah, yeah.
All right, so go on. Keep telling us how awesome we are.

Speaker 5 Well, no, at first I thought they were probably canceling the show, but then I looked up all the metrics, and you guys are like, I'm really proud.

Speaker 1 Thanks, man. That's really nice.
That was really nice. Very nice.

Speaker 1 While we have you on, do you want to respond to Danny Connell not knowing whether or not pot was more dangerous than opioids?

Speaker 1 Yeah, we'll crush up a bunch of opioids and,

Speaker 5 you know, go grab some white owls and just burn that up and see what happens.

Speaker 1 Actually, don't do that.

Speaker 1 I'm going to say don't do that. No, you're going to get anybody killed, Chris.

Speaker 1 Obviously.

Speaker 5 I mean, but

Speaker 5 with some of the responses I've been getting online,

Speaker 5 you can't be sure.

Speaker 1 Yeah, it's true. People are dumb.

Speaker 1 For everyone out there,

Speaker 1 opioids are way, way more addictive and bad for you than marijuana. But we're just asking questions.

Speaker 1 Yes, we're just asking questions. So, Chris, in a serious note,

Speaker 1 you obviously just retired. I wanted to ask you how that process went.
Like, it's obviously a huge decision in your life to walk away from the game of football. What went into that?

Speaker 5 Well, actually, it's funny because it kind of came down to

Speaker 5 the next one.

Speaker 1 No, no, no, no, no, that's four minutes. Sorry, Chris.
Thanks for coming on the show.

Speaker 1 Thanks, man.

Speaker 1 Guys, yeah. Guys, wait, I can hear you.
We got the plate off.

Speaker 1 Yeah. What? Chris, I can't hear you.

Speaker 1 Who's both?

Speaker 1 Both who? Yeah. Both of these nuts.

Speaker 1 Gotta go.

Speaker 5 That was a good one.

Speaker 1 You know what? That's perfect to end it on a joke directly from 2016. You're getting flamed off to your own fucking show.

Speaker 1 Oh, you just got burned so bad, bro. Yeah, you got burned.

Speaker 1 All right. See you, Chris.
Thank you, Chris.

Speaker 1 So we got to the bottom of that. We got to the bottom.
It was great to hear in-depth stuff about his retirement retirement.

Speaker 1 he's got some big plans for his post-playing career very excited to see how that turns out yes he actually he taped that from his parents house yeah so he really is a little reversal of fortune there he started out being interviewed by me and you who are bloggers living in our mom's basements and now he's doing it don't do drugs kids nope you'll end up back in your parents' house you only get two super bowl rings yes actually you know what somebody pointed out to me that i think the second time we had chris on when he signed with um no this is this is further down the line when he did sign with the eagles you said that you would get a tattoo, an Eagles tattoo, if you won a Super Bowl with them.

Speaker 1 Oh, well, yeah, I don't think I said that. We make a lot of promises.

Speaker 1 That probably is not really going to happen. So I need to get my first.
I need to get our Blake Bortles tattoo. Then maybe once the ink starts,

Speaker 1 we'll talk about the further, you know, going more tattoos. If we followed through on all of our tattoos and the ideas that we had.
Come on, there's got to be a little bit of leeway.

Speaker 1 We're literally staring each other in our ass moves right now with Christian Yellow. We've got to have a little leeway with things we say.

Speaker 1 We look like the first person that got killed in the entire series of Oz. The real things we say, the finger cut, you eating poop, Hank getting a cat, those are the real things.
So

Speaker 1 we'll keep doing those.

Speaker 1 We should do Fire Fest of the Week before we get to Jeff Ross. Yes.
You ready for it? You're damn right I'm ready. Okay.
Why don't you start? Because you broke your rib. Okay, my fire.
Yeah.

Speaker 1 So my Fire Fest of the Week, I broke my rib. I hope it's not you breaking your rib.
No, I broke my rib. I just want to say, I don't, did I say that before the interview? Yeah, you did.

Speaker 1 Okay, so it's broken. You said it on podcast.
I've got 16 times today. I'm also quitting Jewel, which is official.
You've also said that like 16 times. I haven't jeweled at all today.

Speaker 1 Also, one thing, actually, you know what? That is going to be my fire festival. Are we not supporting you? Because Big Cat is not supporting me.
I'm trying to

Speaker 1 be serious. I threw away my jewel chargers.
Okay, so now you're serious.

Speaker 1 I'm switching to analog cigarettes. Hold on.
In fairness

Speaker 1 to my side of these things, you kept on saying you were going to quit Jewel, and literally every time I turned around, you were jeweling. Because you told me I couldn't do it.

Speaker 1 You were like, you picked me up. Because you were ready.
You did. Now I'm ready.
Okay, now I will support you.

Speaker 1 You admit grit week was the worst time to ever try. It mentally prepared me.
You're sitting in a van all week and you're just jeweling your face off. Now I'm ready to support you.

Speaker 1 You're going to kick this habit. If you see me jeweling, I give you permission.
You can slap me in my face. Oh.

Speaker 1 Okay. Shouldn't have said that.
Yeah.

Speaker 1 The drunk PFT is going to get in a fight this weekend. No, not no, not listeners.
You. Oh, me.
No, I think everyone can. If you catch me jeweling, slap me.
That's actually a great way to quit. Yeah.

Speaker 1 If you catch me dueling, you're going to get drunk.

Speaker 1 If you see me with that motherfucking thing on me, slap me right in my jaw. Get him.
Get him. I'm not going to get drunk, though.
Okay.

Speaker 1 But if you do, you jewel.

Speaker 1 Now, Hank doesn't believe that I won't drink. Let's focus on wait.
Let's refocus

Speaker 1 one step at a time.

Speaker 1 Don't worry about drinking. Worry about jeweling.
Yeah, I'm quitting respecting Hank, too. Oh.

Speaker 1 When did you start? I do respect you, Hank. Got it.
Not anymore, though. Can you be careful with PFD?

Speaker 1 Because what's going to happen is someone's going to come up to you and be like, hey, you want to hit my jewel, hand it to you, slap you. I'm not going to take it.

Speaker 1 Okay, so I'm saying, make a men's look at yourself. So my other Fire Fest

Speaker 1 you at like 1 a.m. on Saturday.
My other Fire Fest of the week is the summer that I become not short because I grew a couple inches in the last year. Oh, yeah.
This tweet got dropped.

Speaker 1 You ready for this? Sophie Turner, Zendaya, and Priyanka Chopra have spoken. Ladies, this summer we are only falling for short kings.

Speaker 1 Tough, tough for me. Sucks.
Not being short anymore.

Speaker 4 They're all like married.

Speaker 1 I'm just saying, it's tough for me. That would be such a classic be like all the women who are taking, like, we love short guys.
Yeah, by short.

Speaker 1 By short guys.

Speaker 1 That's what I'm saying. They're all married to short guys.
Are they? Yeah. You sure? Yeah, I'm pretty sure.

Speaker 1 How tall is the Jonas guy? He's real short. Is he? Under six feet.
Oh, okay. Yeah.
Way short. Real short.
Couldn't be me. Real short.
Tiny. Just a shitty time.
Minuscule.

Speaker 1 Shitty time for me to choose to not be short anymore.

Speaker 1 A lot of them.

Speaker 1 Phil Lesh. Yeah.
Real fun. Tommy Lee.

Speaker 4 Frontman, though.

Speaker 1 Phil Lesh and friends. The guy from Better Than Ezra is like six foot eight.
Marilyn Manson sucks his own cock. Yeah.
And really tall. So he's actually half as tall as he usually is normally.
Yeah.

Speaker 1 He's bent in half.

Speaker 1 What other? He's a broken rib guy, too. Frontman.

Speaker 1 Yeah, but he did it on purpose. You should try to suck your own dick.
I'll try. You don't have a broken ribbon unless you can.
I'll give it a shot.

Speaker 1 That would actually be very painful for me because my throat's not big enough.

Speaker 1 I'm not going back to college to be your friend. I'm going so I can get Uber One for students.
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Speaker 1 All right, Hank, what's your fire fest?

Speaker 4 My fire fest of the week was that I was at the doctor's two days ago.

Speaker 4 And first of all, the fact that every time I have to get a prescription refilled, I have to go to this doctor just so she can be like, oh, how's it going? I can be like, good. And that's it.

Speaker 4 I can't just call and get it refilled. I have to go in.
And then I was in there, supposed to go at 12. I was like,

Speaker 1 she wants to make sure that you can still get it hard.

Speaker 4 They were 30 minutes late it's not for that it's for adhd got it uh they were 30 minutes late calling me and then when they called me there i real i forgot about this is like a stupid ten dollar copay realized that i didn't have my atm card on me so i

Speaker 1 the cleaning people just walked in the door This is the shit show of an office.

Speaker 4 So I just needed 10 bucks cash to do this stupid doctor's appointment. Didn't have $10 cash, so I basically wasted like three hours.

Speaker 1 Which you couldn't, you couldn't just run to the ATM?

Speaker 4 I didn't have my ATM card on me. Hank, this is a real simple.

Speaker 1 These are like adult men. You have no shit.
But here's your simple solution. You just walk out.
It's a firefest.

Speaker 4 It's fucking buying a ticket, go to a festival, and then showing up and not being able to show. It's going to a doctor's appointment, making the appointment, and then be like, oh, you need $10.

Speaker 1 And it's like, I have money. Fair point.
Fair point. I have a credit card.
Fair point.

Speaker 4 I have an ATM card, not with me.

Speaker 1 I own money.

Speaker 4 Yes, but I couldn't get it. And I couldn't be like, can I get an IOU for like whatever?

Speaker 1 That's crazy. They wouldn't just be like, hey, I'll come back later today with $10.

Speaker 1 Did you have your phone on you? You could have cash apped them. Nope.
Damn.

Speaker 1 Or you probably just could have gone out into the street and like drawn on a cardboard sign like I need $10 for my Adderall and I'll give you one.

Speaker 1 And within about 30 seconds, you'd have 10 takers.

Speaker 1 You would have actually just made enough money to not have Adderall.

Speaker 1 That's a good point. You're so rich, you just don't have those problems.
You could just quit.

Speaker 1 Gone to Mexico. You're so rich that you don't need to have your attention on anything.
You would have had an attention surplus disorder. Right.
That's what you're, that's, that's goals

Speaker 1 to get that rich. Yeah.
Um, all right, my fire fest, good one, Hank. By the way, we shouldn't, shouldn't bad mouth the cleaning people because it's 1:30 in the morning.
We shouldn't.

Speaker 1 Also, we shouldn't bad mouth.

Speaker 1 We're kind of in their zone. Like, we're in their world, not there in our world.

Speaker 1 But, all right, so my fire fest is the. We have that recording thing outside, Pete.
Oh, interesting. On air? Yeah, on air.
My fire fest of the week is

Speaker 1 it's actually a two-week fire fest because I've been like trying to chase this high that I got.

Speaker 1 I got in a confrontation at the airport two weeks ago where a person came and tried to cut the entire TSA line because they were late for a flight. And I had words with the person.

Speaker 1 I was like, oh, did you just find out the flight was today? And they're like, I'm in a rush. I was like, yeah, so is everyone.
It's a fucking airport. They're like, you're a real asshole.

Speaker 1 And it was thrilling. And when you get in a confrontation like that, it's like the rest of your life is meaningless.
You're like,

Speaker 1 I'm like a dead person walking around, like dead behind the eyes. I just need the confrontation.

Speaker 1 Look, i'm fucking drinking white dragon tea monster right now just to try to catch it high yeah you're going to be asking to speak to a lot of managers yeah it's it is like i i'm not a big confrontation guy but like i for some reason i was just feeling a little frisky it was a friday i was like fuck it i'm just gonna tell this person off for trying to cut the whole line

Speaker 1 and ever since it's just like the flowers don't smell as sweet nothing tastes as good i'm just looking to get in another verbal not physical mind you a verbal confrontation with no threat of violence i mean that's pretty best.

Speaker 1 That's pretty much how everything goes in New York. Yeah.
Everything is a little mini confrontation. Hey, fuck you.
Hey, fuck you. Even if somebody's being nice in New York, they're aggressively nice.

Speaker 1 Right. They're like, wait, you're holding up the whole line here for the subway.
You can't get it. You don't have enough cash in your car.
Here, take my fucking car. Yeah.
You're a loser.

Speaker 1 But you know what I'm talking about. That buzz you get from like one of those, like just exchanging a, maybe it was maybe more than no more than like 25 seconds of words passed back and forth.

Speaker 1 But that buzz will last a while because you're like, ooh, that was great. That felt good.
Yeah, now, did you judge the crowd reaction around you? Were they on your side? You didn't even look back.

Speaker 1 I was, well, I was, the reason why I did it was I was the next person in line. So they physically like cut me.
You know, they run past everyone else and they stepped in front of me.

Speaker 1 And I was just like, did you just find out your flight was today? Like, what's going on here? Because it is bullshit. You know, that, like, the person could have gotten there on time.

Speaker 1 They're just late because they were late.

Speaker 1 Like, you know, when your fucking flight is. Right.
Except I've been in that person also get clear many, many times. In TSA.
Yeah, but you always make it. Come on.
I mean,

Speaker 1 I can understand that at an airport, if somebody's late for a flight. If it's at a Bukaki party and they step in front of me, I'm like, hey, I'm sorry.
I'm sorry. It's number 18.

Speaker 1 I got my ticket here. Wait, but you also would understand someone saying something.

Speaker 1 We live in a society. You can't just cut.
I'm more of a,

Speaker 1 I will always have respect and courtesy towards somebody who is

Speaker 1 totally late. By the way, totally able-bodied, like, wasn't any issue here, moving quickly.
Well, not all that's not in their brain. Well, yeah, true, not in their brain.
That's fine.

Speaker 1 I went to the wrong airport the other week. Well, it happens to us.
That, again, yeah, it's an adult thing. Yeah.
It is. That's a wild thing.
Listen, some of us are like Peter Pan.

Speaker 1 We don't grow up quite as fast as the rest of you.

Speaker 1 All right. So

Speaker 1 that was our Fire Fest of the Week. Bubba, did you have one? Oh, Bubba doesn't have a mic.
That's his Fire Fest of the Week. We literally got in our new studio.

Speaker 1 There's a mic sitting in front of him, but it doesn't work. So, Bubba, that's your Fire Fest of the Week, right? You can lip-sync your fire.
Here, Bubba, start talking.

Speaker 1 Actually, there's no camera on you. I was going to give you your Fire Fest as you were talking.
Also,

Speaker 1 you are the got hit by the car guy, and then you got cucked today, big time. Yeah, by a way more successful guy who's been hit by three cars.
He's also older, he's also older.

Speaker 1 You can still try, you can still shoot.

Speaker 1 Yeah, you can shoot to get hit by two more cars. Yeah, I believe in you.
Um, all right, let's get to Jeff Ross. So, comedian Rosemaster Jeff Ross joined us.
We talked about Rose.

Speaker 1 We talked about his prank war with cousin Sal, Tom Cruise being able to mediate it. It was a wild interview.

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Speaker 1 Okay, here he is. Comedian Roastmaster Jeff Ross.

Speaker 1 Okay, we now welcome on the Roastmaster, Jeff Ross. What's up? In studio, he's got a new Netflix show out.
It's called Historical Roast.

Speaker 1 He's roasting people throughout history, Abraham Lincoln, Cleopatra, Muhammad Ali, and Frank. Yeah.
How'd that one go?

Speaker 1 Terrible.

Speaker 1 She was pissed.

Speaker 1 So I actually wanted to, like, this is a genius idea because you can basically roast people and they can't get it. She screamed for the first time in her life.
Jesus. It was good though.

Speaker 1 It was off and running. Yeah.
So, so this new show, like, what, what gave you the idea? Was it just you just ran out of live people to roast? What happened?

Speaker 1 No, live people want to be roasted more than ever. That's the fun part about it.
But, you know, people say, like, who's your dream roast? So I made a list of heroes, people I cared about.

Speaker 1 I did notice that there are no villains. You didn't roast any villains throughout history.
There are villains on the show, though. On the dais, right? Yeah.
So you get to roast Hitler.

Speaker 1 But Hitler's not the star of the show. And Frank Roast almost turned into a Hitler roast.
Yeah.

Speaker 1 But sometimes that happens when we roasted Pam Anderson, it turned into a

Speaker 1 Courtney Love roast. Oh, yeah, it was all time.
So these things happen at Roast.

Speaker 1 Did you purposely select, you were like, I don't want to have any villains as the stars of these roasts? Because you always say you roast the ones that you love. Right.
That's a good thought.

Speaker 1 And yes, we debated that a lot. We had a very intense writer's room about what's the right way to roast history.

Speaker 1 As fake news evolves into fake history, you go, huh, what do we really want to say with our chance to say stuff? Right.

Speaker 1 But I feel like down the road we could wind up doing

Speaker 1 a villain roast. Yeah.
I'm not against it. I just feel like season one of a show, you want to be very clear what you're doing.
Right. Who else, who just missed the cut? Ted Bundy.
Okay.

Speaker 1 That would have been an easy one.

Speaker 1 Albert Einstein. No, we weren't going to do villains this time.
Okay, yeah. He married his cousin.
And invented the Adam bomb. Yeah.
That's true. Hit season three.
Albert Einstein.

Speaker 1 Tune in, season three.

Speaker 1 So check it out. It's on Netflix now.
You can watch the whole thing.

Speaker 1 I wanted to start kind of not at the beginning, but somewhere around the beginning where I was reading up on your career.

Speaker 1 And, you know, you talked about having thick skin as a kid and getting roasted by your uncle.

Speaker 1 And what were the mean things that your uncle uncle would say? Because it sounded like he was like, really would go after you when you were a little kid.

Speaker 1 My uncle Murray, I've been thinking about him a lot lately.

Speaker 1 Is he still with us? No, he died at 92

Speaker 1 just a few years ago. And I wrote about him and thought about him a lot on Memorial Day because,

Speaker 1 you know, my friends and I, we were walking around downtown to some of the Memorial Day statues down in Lower Manhattan, like monuments. And, you know, Memorial Day, you think about veterans.

Speaker 1 And my Uncle Murray

Speaker 1 was an Army medic in World War II. Oh, wow.
You know, back when people,

Speaker 1 we didn't save them the way we do now. He's kind of like they just die.
Put morphine in them and just try to give them a happy end. You make them laugh while they're dying.

Speaker 1 It's like the saving Private Ryan when they, yeah, they just literally all put their hands over the big bullet hole and they're like, this will work. Like

Speaker 1 Patch Adams, you just put a big red nose on. He was dumbfounded by modern medicine because he would walk.
And he also liberated a concentration camp with his army.

Speaker 1 Murray Lifshultz, Jewish soldier in the U.S. Army.
Respect. That's fantastic.
yeah, right. So, like,

Speaker 1 uh, he got away with it, he could say anything, I couldn't say shit to him. Sorry, I couldn't say anything to him.

Speaker 1 Fuck,

Speaker 1 I couldn't say any of that to him because he was the man, and he was also like, I worked in this catering hall, I was a little kid, but family business, so he would just make fun of me for being a daddy's boy and you know, just teasing me over my buck teeth and my goofy hair.

Speaker 1 And I was a little kid, 10, 11 years old, and he was, you know, he was my hero. So, when he made fun of me, it hurt.

Speaker 1 So, he did hurt your feelings. Oh, yeah.
Eventually, like, what was the point where you're like, actually, this is kind of fun. We're just busting balls.

Speaker 1 Or did you never

Speaker 1 felt that way until I was a man? Really? Yeah, like, as a boy, I didn't know any better. He was just, like, mean.
They called him Mean Murray. Even his grandchildren call him Mean Murray.

Speaker 1 Yeah, it's like a defense mechanism almost. Like, you realize as you get older that you've got this, you know, almost traumatic experience of your uncle just roasting you every day.

Speaker 1 And you're like, no, he was just joking the whole time. You convince yourself that, like, it's a way to bust balls.

Speaker 1 Did you ever do that right before he died? Like, hey, I want to tell you something real quick, Jeff. It was just a joke.
You know what? He knew that I grew up and learned all that.

Speaker 1 And then for his 90th birthday, an entire family got together and roasted him. Oh, wow.
So he did, to his credit, dish it out, but he could take it. He could take it too.

Speaker 1 I said, Uncle Murray's taking a big trip soon to that urn on top of the fireplace.

Speaker 1 And he loved it.

Speaker 1 He had like his cousin, you know,

Speaker 1 he was the man. People like getting roasted.
They love being in the hot seat. Have you ever dealt with somebody that really doesn't like to get roasted?

Speaker 1 I guess so.

Speaker 1 But it's like, for the most part, you roast volunteers. Like the whole fun of it is to get people that are up for it.
Right. Unless they're a passed away historical figure.

Speaker 1 They have to resurrect them. They have no choice.
Right. But Bob Sagett plays Abe Lincoln.

Speaker 1 And I told Bob ahead of time on the historical Roast show, and I told Bob ahead of time that I think Lincoln, everything I read about Lincoln is he has a great sense of humor.

Speaker 1 So, you know, I think Lincoln would like this. Right.
Right. A full house divided with Bob Sagett.
Right.

Speaker 1 It's interesting, the roast thing to me because if I've always like the Ann Coulter one was one that stuck out to me where if the person getting roasted doesn't play along, it becomes not fun so quickly.

Speaker 1 Right. You know?

Speaker 1 And she was thin skinned. Right.
And this frustrates me. People are so sensitive.
You're going to come to a roast.

Speaker 1 What do you want? A go soft? Right. That's almost meaner.
Yes. I ignore you at a roast.
It means either you can't take it or I don't care about you. Well, there was one, I think it was,

Speaker 1 was it Dan Aykroyd? Dan Aykroyd was on the dais. Yeah, he was on the dais, but Chevy Chase was there.
And nobody went to it because Chevy, I guess, doesn't have a lot of friends.

Speaker 1 And so all the jokes were just about how nobody liked Chevy Chase. And you could tell he was a little bit pissed off about the whole thing.

Speaker 1 yeah it seemed like it from what I could tell with what what what other comics told me is that he was just like cranky the whole day wasn't taking it well probably didn't do any coke that day this is probably like a good lesson for life is to be able to if you're gonna talk smack you got to be able to take it right right um you by the way this is a philosophy not just in roasting this is in life yeah I agree I do a podcast called thick skin which isn't a roast podcast it's about going through life being able to absorb what life brings at you.

Speaker 1 And I do feel like, like, shout out to my Uncle Murray and like all the bullies and assholes in your life right now, like, in a way, they're preparing you for something more profound, more important later on.

Speaker 1 Right. I mean, you guys, like, you think you'd be able to roll on sports if somebody, if you didn't, if you, you know, like

Speaker 1 the best, I think sports people, sports casters are failed or people who like played sports and got like, you know what it's like to lose. Right.
I agree. The worst.

Speaker 1 Like, I was on the worst high school football team in New Jersey, the Jonathan Dayton Bulldogs. Like, we didn't win one game in the four years that I went to high school.
Yeah.

Speaker 1 Like, I think, I'm surprised there aren't 50 comedians from Springfield, New Jersey.

Speaker 1 You guys got the shit kicked. Tony Romo is a good example.
He never won a big game. Right.
You know? By the way, he has a great sense of humor. Great sense of humor.

Speaker 1 Once drove me 100 miles an hour through the streets of Dallas. Really? Yeah.

Speaker 1 Why? Just because hungry.

Speaker 1 I was performing down there, and Amy Schumer is friends with him. She invited him to our show.
I was on a bill with a bunch of comics. And

Speaker 1 Tony was like, you hungry? And nobody else was up for it. But I was like, sure.
And we got

Speaker 1 his buddy was wasted in the passenger seat. And I was actually in a follow car, actually, behind him.
And there's like two of us just trying to keep up with Tony Romo.

Speaker 1 And out of nowhere, he pulls over, not even at a red light, he just pulls over to bus stop.

Speaker 1 His buddy gets out to throw up, and tony just grabbed the door closed it and left him there and the guy showed up at the restaurant an hour later that's perfect was he was he wearing that blue hat with nothing on it he might have been okay yeah that blue hat i did some investigative research a few years back he's in a uh pizza hut commercial and they gave him a blue hat and he's been wearing it ever since you think literally a free hat that he's just been wearing ever since.

Speaker 1 Maybe it's part of his deal. Yeah, I think he just likes free shit.
Like, even rich people like free shit. And he's just like, I love this free hat.

Speaker 1 I think it's like you put a hat on every once in a while. It just fits perfectly to your head.
And you don't care what the fuck it says on it.

Speaker 1 You're going to roll with that hat for the rest of your life. David Tell gave me this bitch hat.
I like that one. That looks pretty good.
And I've been wearing it every day. What about those shades?

Speaker 1 Where are those from? I like those. I'm on my way to the Elton John Premiere for Rocket Man.
Those look good. That looks pretty good, too.
I'm getting out swagger.

Speaker 1 You look infinitely more hungover when you put those two things on.

Speaker 1 Yeah.

Speaker 1 You are hiding the worst hangover of all time. You should be wearing

Speaker 1 Uggs and holding a Starbucks. It was like, oh, last night was a movie.
Oh, my God. You should be on Call Our Daddy.

Speaker 1 Oh, my God. Oh, man.

Speaker 1 You were part of a roast that's kind of been lost to history, I think.

Speaker 1 I think it was a roast of Mike and Mike. Oh, yeah.
And Dana Jacobson got on stage in that one. Wow.
And I've never heard of one event sabotaging somebody's career as much as.

Speaker 1 Did she not come back from that? I don't think so. No, she didn't come back.
Oh, really? You haven't been following up on her? No.

Speaker 1 But I think, so she was on Cold Pizza at the time, or First and Ten, or whatever they were. First take.
It was First Day. We know it was before First Take.
So I think it was Cold Pizza.

Speaker 1 And she got up there, and I think she said some stuff about Notre Dame, but no videos, I don't think, ever came out. Yeah, you never really heard about that.

Speaker 1 And those guys are still working, though. Yeah, yeah.
So they're on top of it. But, you know, it always takes one, like maybe she was,

Speaker 1 I remember her guzzling

Speaker 1 vodka. Yeah.
And it was like the whole thing kind of turned. I mean, it was a good comedy show up until then.
I believe I was hosting it, actually. It was in Atlantic City.

Speaker 1 They sold thousands of tickets. So it was like a real, it had like a prize fight feel.
It was a great show, actually. Right.

Speaker 1 And, you know, it's always fun when you see people that aren't used to roasting, like, roast. Right.
That's how the roast started when old-time comics like Milton Burrell would curse.

Speaker 1 And no one ever heard that before. So it was like, whoa, that was fun.
You know, it's like you're driving a race car all of a sudden. Yeah.

Speaker 1 And then out of nowhere, in the middle of the show, that woman started like upending the whole thing. It turned into like some kind of punk rock thing.
That's crazy.

Speaker 1 It like lost the comedy and it got what it became too,

Speaker 1 I don't know, like

Speaker 1 happy. Is that the only time that's ever happened where it's like one person can sabotage a roast? Has anyone else done that? Oh, man.
Let me think. Well, Courtney Love tried.
The situation.

Speaker 1 But Jimmy Kimmel really calmed her down. The situation almost did.
Yeah. When we roasted the Donald Trump.
Yes. The situation.

Speaker 1 refused to take his sunglasses off. You know how hard it is? That sucks.
You're already kind of douchey. Now you're insulting people wearing sunglasses.
Yeah. And I know.
Snoop told me to wear them.

Speaker 1 I'm like, you're not fucking Snoop. Like, take your sunglasses.

Speaker 1 Big as dickheads. Yeah, what a fucking ass.
Anyone who doesn't take off their sunglasses. Fuck that guy.
And by the way, he still thinks he did well.

Speaker 1 Oh, yeah,

Speaker 1 in jail. I saw him last before that.
I saw him last year, and he was like, yeah, man, I did my thing. I didn't mess up.
Like, I stuck with it. I was out of my comfort zone.

Speaker 1 I'm like, you still think you killed 15 years later, whatever, 10 years later? Yeah, I kind of respect that, though. Like, that level of

Speaker 1 life. That's how self-awareness, yeah, where you just go through your life being like, I'm the funniest fucking guy in the world.
Like, this is awesome. Everything I do is awesome.

Speaker 1 You got him right to jail. Yes, yes.

Speaker 1 What part do you think you played in normalizing Donald Trump?

Speaker 1 Good question. Good question.
I just had to say that. Sorry.

Speaker 1 My other one we do.

Speaker 1 Probably a significant part. The other one we do is if you could go back in time, would you still vote for Donald Trump? Yes.
Okay.

Speaker 1 And that roast, didn't he tell you that you couldn't fuck around with his finances? You couldn't joke around.

Speaker 1 People say that, that there were rules rules about... Oh, really? It's one of those stories that's been repeated so many times, I think we just think it's true now.

Speaker 1 A lot of the writers did interviews and said,

Speaker 1 you know, that he was sensitive about his finances, and maybe he was,

Speaker 1 but not to the roasters.

Speaker 1 I think for his own speech, maybe he wanted to... trump up his finances.
Right, right.

Speaker 1 Which anybody would do. Of course.

Speaker 1 Unless you're negotiating with a contractor, you always brag about how much money you have. Yeah.
Until somebody's trying to sell you something, you're like, I don't know, it's been a bad month.

Speaker 1 You can't afford that. So I didn't begrudge him that.
I mean, his whole thing,

Speaker 1 it always seemed like a facade to me. Like, he's trying to be the richest guy in the world.
If he isn't, he's living like that. The richest, richest people don't talk about their finances.

Speaker 1 You don't know theirs. You don't even know who they are.
Right, exactly. They are completely

Speaker 1 invisible to me. I know somebody whose dad is one of the richest guys in New York, in America.
No one knows this guy.

Speaker 1 And they all do their rich people drugs that no one else has access to, like the everlasting gobstopper that they can have. They just live forever.
Limitless.

Speaker 1 I'm convinced that all rich people have access to these

Speaker 1 designer drugs that are so fucking cool that no one will ever hear about them. Not Steve Jobs.
Yeah, that's true. Actually, no, he's in Brazil.
He is. No, he's alive.
Argentina, yeah.

Speaker 1 They say he lasted a lot longer than he might have. He probably should have.
Alex Trebek, he's got all that money on the board every single show. He's in remission now.
True. Shout out to Alex.

Speaker 1 Shout out to Alex. See, I like that.
You're already showing some compassion, some vulnerability, guys.

Speaker 1 Do you ever find yourself being like, I'm just going to be the nice guy today? Because everyone's like, Jeff Ross, Roastmaster, ha ha. You rip people to shreds.

Speaker 1 You ever, like, walk around being like, hey, I like that shirt, man?

Speaker 1 I used to have that, and then my dad got a job. It's the only way I could get away with roasting is that I was nice most of the time.
Oh, okay.

Speaker 1 I don't walk around roasting my way through life.

Speaker 1 That would be funny if you did. It would be a good movie, but I don't know if it'd be a good life.
Do people expect that from you? Just sitting down talking to you, like, come on, make fun of me.

Speaker 1 Why don't you make a movie? Go ahead and roast us.

Speaker 1 It's not even like in this situation, you guys are, you know, what's going on, but like, I'll be walking through the airport, you know, Newark airport one time, and some guy's like, my brother just got out of jail.

Speaker 1 He's in the bathroom when he comes out. Start making fun of me.

Speaker 1 It's like, come on, man. Are you kidding me?

Speaker 1 First of all, it's like energy. Like, I'm tired after a roast.
I'm sure. My brain is like, it's a lot of heavy lifting to even turn that on.
Yeah. So what I do is it's like a superpower.

Speaker 1 I I don't take it out when it's absolutely necessary. So, what did you say to the guy when he came out of the bathroom? I left.
Oh, I didn't take the bait. That's a roast in itself.

Speaker 1 I didn't take the bait. Yeah, just saying that you're about roast worthy.

Speaker 1 That actually cuts pretty deep right there.

Speaker 1 As opposed to you two guys, it look like you get dressed in the dark. Yeah, no, we're unroastable because we care so little about ourselves.

Speaker 1 Well, the thing we do is we've made every joke about ourselves that can be made. So, the self-deprecation.
I mean, I know that I look at it. It's like a golf shirt.

Speaker 1 Well, here's what here's not a golf shirt

Speaker 1 if it was made by a tennis player. Can I explain it to you? Can I explain it to you? It's because I'm a little heavy, and if you wear enough designs, it's like an optical illusion.

Speaker 1 I get it, like the carpets in Las Vegas. People are just looking at it like that.
They don't realize how far it is. Yeah, is he fat? I can't tell.

Speaker 1 It's an optical illusion. Weird things on his shirt.
All right. Well, if you're out there wondering, he's a little fat.
He's about as fat as he's. I went to the gym today.
You did? Yeah. How'd it go?

Speaker 1 It was all right. I haven't gone on a long time.
I can tell. Yeah, we're getting into shape for the summer.
Yeah. For next summer.
Yeah.

Speaker 1 all summer yeah so you do obviously like a lot of roasting are there any projects that you want to work on that maybe have gotten sidetracked because somebody's like no you're the roast guy have you wanted to get into writing or dramatic film i do that stuff as a hobby like for a long time i was like yeah i want to do this and that and branch out but i don't know roasting became so fun

Speaker 1 i felt pigeonholed for a while dave chappelle actually gave me a pretty healthy pep talk about it probably about 10 12 years ago, where he's like, that's your lane, bro. Make it a highway.

Speaker 1 Make it a six-lane highway. And he's right.
No one really does that. And

Speaker 1 I don't know, man.

Speaker 1 I'm on an Amazon show as an actor called Sneaky Pete, and I'm on a cartoon called Tangled. So when that stuff comes up, I don't usually audition.

Speaker 1 It's just usually like, oh, Jeff, you know, so it's like, if I don't have to write it and I don't have to make fun of anybody, it's not like work. That's like a weekend.
That's like a day off. Right.

Speaker 1 Your brain's not on the brain you were talking about. And I love that kind of stuff.
Right. I don't have to turn that muscle on.
I could just show up and be funny

Speaker 1 in character. Or it's like, I don't know.
I could do that. It's just easier.
Right. So I don't know if anything's been sidetracked because I really do love roasting.

Speaker 1 I feel like it's my purpose and it's also a movement. Like it's everywhere now.
Like I get tweets in languages I don't understand.

Speaker 1 Do you think that it has picked up steam in almost like a response to kind of comedy has been under fire by like people on Twitter and all these, you know, there's been a lot of changing of culture.

Speaker 1 You think the pendulum swinging back as roasts have kind of picked up steam? Yeah,

Speaker 1 that's a good observation. I think as we become so sensitive, I say we society, you know, by the way, you can't even put roast jokes on Twitter.
Yeah, I read that.

Speaker 1 You basically said you do not tweet anything provocative whatsoever. You just promote shows because lame, I know.
Right. You know, the f fan, you know, you don't pick up followers that way.

Speaker 1 And I do warn comedians sometimes, like, dude, it's not a safe space right there. Right.
That's funny.

Speaker 1 You also take the reverse of a safe space or made it a safe space when people were talking about not having safe spaces. Right.
Yeah.

Speaker 1 That buys me up.

Speaker 1 Now you've got to go to a comedy club. It's like a temple of free speech.
Yeah.

Speaker 1 You got to perform for people who want it. And then people taking it out of...
The thing I've also noticed people take comedy.

Speaker 1 We had Jimmy Carr in here a couple months ago, and he was saying that his biggest problems have been when people have basically taken the comedy show and then written it and put it in a paper. Right.

Speaker 1 And it takes all context out of it.

Speaker 1 And that's kind of what Twitter is a little bit when you can't really read the context or what is being said behind it because it doesn't have inflection and tone and all that shit.

Speaker 1 And then you have to actually go back and see who's saying it. And are they joking? Especially with comics, because they could be joking.
They could be posing as a character.

Speaker 1 So none of it's real and all of it's real.

Speaker 1 Like an expert doesn't matter any more than some nincum poop who's like on heroin.

Speaker 1 It's just a tweet. Right.
I'm going through it now. Like this historical show, you know, we roast Anne Frank, and I got ahead of it, and I talked to Jewish journalists about why I was doing it.

Speaker 1 And then somebody who in Amsterdam, who lives near the Anne Frank house, who hasn't even seen it, will weigh in.

Speaker 1 And then suddenly that gets amplified until it's like in a newspaper article in Jerusalem.

Speaker 1 I'm like, one Twitter user from, you know, the Anne Frank house, like, what, what? Right. Right.
Why does anybody's opinion matter more than anybody else's? That's somebody who died 80 years ago.

Speaker 1 It's a question of context and environment, I guess, because on Twitter, the audience is literally everybody with a smartphone, right?

Speaker 1 So they all have, you know, they see what it is and they all look at it in a different way from whatever angle it affects them. When you're doing like a roast of Shaq, for example,

Speaker 1 everybody that's up there on stage, they're, you know, in the, they've agreed to be on that stage and we're all going to bust balls.

Speaker 1 And we've agreed that we're not going take any of this personally But if you had tweeted out any of those jokes that you made about Shaq Holy shit You'd be out of the business

Speaker 1 So it's I I it's just like a you have to take everything in context Some people they are comedy writers and they write jokes that are meant to be consumed by reading them Some people are comedians that get on stage and do what you do and I think if you try to take one if you took you know a very solid essayist who's like a you call him a humorist.

Speaker 1 That's what you call somebody that makes jokes but isn't funny, I guess, is a humorist. But if you took a humorist and delivered those lines on a stage, everybody'd be like, this guy sucks.

Speaker 1 And if you took your jokes and put them on Twitter, they'd be like, fuck this guy. Right, right.
You know, so it's all about like consuming

Speaker 1 in the right environment. Yeah, know the room.
You got to know your room. Yeah.
Work the room, know the room. The room could be Twitter.
The room could be Madison Square Garden. Or there anything?

Speaker 1 Or this. You know, it's like, this is your room.
Yeah. You guys know your crowd.
You know what they want to hear. They probably don't want their sports, their comedy watered down.

Speaker 1 It's like when I do my shows, I'm in Vegas next weekend you know with uh a tell

Speaker 1 it's like he's like oh we might get backlash on twitter for i'm like fuck that this is where we do this right let's go full tilt boogie people are not coming to vegas for some watered down comedy well and also when you get in your own head like that and start thinking about that yeah it it like we always you know we listen to constructive criticism but if you start listening to every single person who has something to say you'll start just changing everything you do and going away from what works And I've done stuff.

Speaker 1 I have had that happen to me, and the work suffers. Yeah.
It becomes not great for anybody. Right, right.
I'm a big fan of cousin Sal. Never met him.
We were supposed to have him on the show.

Speaker 1 We didn't work out. When Jimmy was here in Brooklyn, can you tell me the history behind your prank battle? Because I've heard parts of it from Sal's perspective.

Speaker 1 And Tom Cruise litigated it?

Speaker 1 It was an all-time. But be careful here because I don't want to restart anything.

Speaker 1 Sal and I. No, please do.
just would be great for our podcast. So don't be selfish.
You fucking hate Sal. That's what you said.
Cut that out. I love Sal.
He knows that.

Speaker 1 He came to my historical roast premiere last week, and I heard him laughing. And we're all good now.
We're good pals. I'm super excited for him and all the stuff he's doing.

Speaker 1 And you ask about the history of it. I think it's brought us better friends.
Okay. Where we truly...
I mean, we always loved each other, but now it's a more open affection. How did it start?

Speaker 1 It started when I was a writer fresh to LA for the man show on Comedy Central. My best job you could ever have, right?

Speaker 1 Here's like a dozen guys locked in two rooms coming up with the craziest shit you could put on TV, right? And it's all

Speaker 1 dolled up with TV cameras and girls jumping on trampolines and and and we're all making money and we're all in LA for the first time and it was just a blast.

Speaker 1 And Sal was the resident troublemaker. He would,

Speaker 1 you know, you'd come back from lunch and there'd be, there'd be like, you know, the screws on your desk would all be pulled out.

Speaker 1 You know, or he would like, you know, I was dating this chick. She came to pick me up.

Speaker 1 And before she could even, you know, let me know that she was waiting outside, Sal would go outside, take his shirt off, and take pictures with her in her car.

Speaker 1 You know, he would just do stuff like that. And, you know, it grew into stuff he would do on Jimmy Kimmel Live, like I guest hosted.
And

Speaker 1 one time I looked out the, you know, they go live from the parking lot.

Speaker 1 And there's Sal spray painting the punch lines to my stand-up jokes that I'd done the night before on the show onto my brand new white Porsche.

Speaker 1 And it's not like I was

Speaker 1 I wasn't a rich guy. This was my first nice car.
You know what I mean? Like he knew that. You know what I mean? That's fucked up.
So it'd be stuff like that. Where it's just, you know, like

Speaker 1 I was guest hosting the show for five straight nights once, and I was also filming CSI during the day, like seven in the morning to eight at night.

Speaker 1 Then I'd rush, then I'd drive from the valley to Hollywood to Kimmel's show, and I was like the guest co-host back when it was live, live. So I had 45 minutes basically to shower,

Speaker 1 basically eat something, and walk on set. I didn't rehearse or anything.
I was just sort of like sidekick kind of guy. And I had, I'd always order a steak or a hamburger.

Speaker 1 And inevitably, just as they handed me, I had this little window to gobble it down. Just as they would hand it to me, Sal would walk out of a closet and just slap it out of my hand onto the floor.

Speaker 1 So I'd have to go. That's a good prank.
I'd have to go on stage hungry every time. I think Sal's like penultimate moment or ultimate moment was

Speaker 1 besides the awesome, hilarious prank stuff he does on Jimmy Kim Alive to like regular people,

Speaker 1 his personal pranks are deeper and very thought out.

Speaker 1 And I was on Dancing with the Stars. This is going back a while now.
I took it very seriously. I was all in.
I'd never been on prime time, ABC.

Speaker 1 I really wanted to knock cha-cha-cha, the quick step. Like I lost 20 pounds doing it.
Like I was really, I was in love with Edita, my partner.

Speaker 1 You know, like we were, we were like, we were going to win. Right.
Back then, they would get the cast offs.

Speaker 1 The night you got thrown off live dancing with the stars, you went right over to Jimmy Kimmel's show, and you'd be the guest, the lead guest, still in your costume or whatever.

Speaker 1 So

Speaker 1 the opening day of the show, we're doing a run-through,

Speaker 1 and

Speaker 1 Edita had just had her nails done. We'd done this dance 500 times.

Speaker 1 Precision. But she got her nails done, so now everything's three-quarters of an inch longer on her hands.
So

Speaker 1 her marks are a little off. Like we had these very intricate moves where she's like, like

Speaker 1 moving her, you know, like swirling around, and I'm going under her legs and over her, and it's like, it's like a wow kind of a moment. And we do blocking.
I'm just in a kiss shirt.

Speaker 1 My like sister's in the audience. And we're just, you know, rehearsing for cameras basically.
One last run through. All right, sure.

Speaker 1 And Edita hits her last spot and slices my eye. My cornea is scratched.
I flop on the floor. Everyone thinks I'm kidding.
I can't open my eye. Half an hour goes by.
I can't open my eye.

Speaker 1 And they like send some PA with a,

Speaker 1 you know, a little Toyota Corolla or something to drive me to the emergency room. I'm like, oh, my God, from hero to zero.
What am I doing? Right. You know, and

Speaker 1 yeah.

Speaker 1 It was sad. It was very upsetting.

Speaker 1 I couldn't see much. I go to this emergency room, then they send me to to a doctor, and next thing I know, I'm on my way back with an eye patch

Speaker 1 back to the show at ABC.

Speaker 1 And

Speaker 1 Kimmel texts me, says, you know,

Speaker 1 you got to dance.

Speaker 1 You got to be brave. You'll be a hero.
You got to dance injured. And I'm like, huh.
And I run it by...

Speaker 1 My partner, Edita, and she says, if you can walk, you can dance.

Speaker 1 That's good. That's a football guy, you know?

Speaker 1 And And

Speaker 1 I say to the producer, I say, I'm going to dance. The show must go on.
He goes, the show goes on whether you dance or not. Right, right.
You're not that important, Jeff. Yeah.

Speaker 1 And I was like, you know what? I'm dancing. I'm doing it.
I'm going to do this. It's going to be good.
I know my moves. I don't want to miss it.
I've been working two months. And I dance.

Speaker 1 And, you know,

Speaker 1 it was, you know, it was bad.

Speaker 1 People thought it was a telethon.

Speaker 1 We raised a million dollars for it.

Speaker 1 and i'm like all right my family shows up they're all wearing eye patches in solidarity i'm like all right you know maybe i can make something of this and

Speaker 1 i know that the kimball show gets the results slightly ahead because they get everybody else the guest who gets kicked off right on their screen yeah

Speaker 1 i don't know to what extent they get them or what time or anything but it's the same network i'm assuming there's some collusion

Speaker 1 And

Speaker 1 it's me and Kim Kardashian are the last two up there with our partners, right? They're voting people off. She's one of the biggest stars in the world, and there I am.

Speaker 1 And about an hour before,

Speaker 1 I get a text from Sal saying, you're safe. Oh, my God.

Speaker 1 And you're actually, this is the guy who's been pranking you all along, but you believe it.

Speaker 1 This is, yeah, this is true. Okay, that's the thing about prank wars.
It's always with somebody that you're actually close with. So not every interaction that you have is a prank.
Right. Right.

Speaker 1 Well, of course we were the best of friends. Right.
And also, like, they were helping me. Like, I'm safe.
Right. So now I can, like, relax a little bit, make some jokes.

Speaker 1 I don't need to prepare any closing speech. Tell all your family, I'm safe.
Right. Told everybody, told Edita.

Speaker 1 So now I'm like, one eye, reading the text. I'm safe.
I'm safe. Are you sure? Yes.

Speaker 1 So now I'm up there in the lights, the music, Ted Berger on. It couldn't be more exciting.
I'm going to move on. I'm going to get to do my second dance, the quick step, which I'm really good at.

Speaker 1 It's going to be Frank Sinatra, I get a kick out of you. You know, it's like,

Speaker 1 and they just click everybody off one by one. Cloris Leachman, Warren Sapp, they're all in.
They're all in.

Speaker 1 Gets down to me and Kim, and I'm like, you can see me whispering in Edita's ear, don't worry, don't worry.

Speaker 1 And then they call Kim Kardashian and she moves on to the next show.

Speaker 1 And you can just see me humana, homina, homina, homina.

Speaker 1 At this point, I feel like Sal couldn't have lied. They must have changed their mind.
Oh, no, you're still believing it. You're still believing it.

Speaker 1 And then it starts to sink in as the cameras come to me and Ted Bergeron's like, any final thoughts as you leave the competition? I'm like, I just got here. I don't even have barely what? Huh? Yeah.

Speaker 1 Nothing. So now I'm on the second episode of the number one show in the world on ABC, and I have nothing to say.
Famous for your quick wit. Yeah.

Speaker 1 And finally, I got frustrated with the scoring, and I said, speaking of ballroom, these pants are really tight. And I walked off.

Speaker 1 That was a pretty good line. Yeah.
And I do remember

Speaker 1 after that dance.

Speaker 1 I should have known I wasn't going to, I was the worst one, even though I wasn't sure. I remember Chris Rock calling me in my trailer before the show, also,

Speaker 1 saying,

Speaker 1 stop worrying about the dancing and start thinking of some jokes, which was good advice, which I did not necessarily take.

Speaker 1 So I go over to the Kimmel show, and now I'm ready for battle. I'm so mad.

Speaker 1 And

Speaker 1 Sal's nowhere to be found, of course.

Speaker 1 Fuck.

Speaker 1 Yeah, so it took a long time. We were mad at you.
I was mad at him. I just couldn't take it.
So you actually were mad. Like, it was a real anger.
It It wasn't a prank war.

Speaker 1 It went on for not days, weeks, maybe even a couple months. I'd see him at Sunday football over at Jimmy's house, and we would sit on opposite sides.

Speaker 1 Because he does a big football Sunday where you have, like, a bunch of people, Adam Corolla, Bill Simmons.

Speaker 1 Yeah, you'd go over there, and you'd see like, you know, TV movie stars, and rock stars, and actors, and, you know, Jimmy's house. Right.

Speaker 1 You know, he still had all his old regular schmucky guys like me, too. Freaking Tom Cruise walks in, and he'd just been on on Jimmy's show, so we're not.

Speaker 1 We understand, but we're still like, he's really walking

Speaker 1 up the stairs right now with his mother.

Speaker 1 Sal and I are still like looking at each other from across the room. We haven't really talked or even anything.

Speaker 1 And it's like weighing on me.

Speaker 1 And then Sal just comes over and he sits next to me on the couch and he whispers in my ear. He goes,

Speaker 1 Maybe we should let Tom Cruise settle this for us.

Speaker 1 And he did.

Speaker 1 And, you know, I just shrugged my shoulders. And I think it was Sarah Silverman was there.
She jumped up on the coffee table and like brought the whole thing to attention. Right.

Speaker 1 Like, like, all right, everybody, gather around. Court is in session.
Court is in session. Tom Cruise has played many lawyers.
He's about to settle the feud.

Speaker 1 And, you know, I think she was just trying to help me out, take the tension out of it. Right.
It was painful, not just for me and Sal, but for the group,

Speaker 1 for the community, for the friendships. And we laid out what happened.
And of course, Jimmy keeps trying to interrupt and help Sal along with his story.

Speaker 1 Because Sal sometimes will not necessarily tell things in the most sympathetic way. Of course.
But, you know, Jimmy has a very scholarly, lawyerly way of explaining what.

Speaker 1 So between the two of them, I'm like, oh boy, now I got to make my case.

Speaker 1 And

Speaker 1 I explained that this was high stakes, that that I worked really hard, that this was something I took him, you know, I said, we're all friends. This is a career

Speaker 1 move. I wanted to do well.
I wanted to come off funny. I didn't want to be caught.
It's okay to get voted off, but you want to be prepared. Showing your little vulnerability.

Speaker 1 If you have inside information, which they claim it didn't, use it to help me, not to embarrass me. That was the case I made.

Speaker 1 And everything else that I've said is, and how much I love these guys, and trust trust Sal

Speaker 1 and Tom took a minute he consulted with his mother

Speaker 1 who was not happy with the amount of cursing that had been going on

Speaker 1 and

Speaker 1 and uh

Speaker 1 Tom ruled in my favor said Sal you you really hurt Jeff's feelings and you owe him an apology Wow and Sal you could see he did not expect that outcome he expected come on get over it guys being dudes you know, and no, but as Sal mumbled this half an apology,

Speaker 1 I'm sorry, man. And Tom stopped him halfway through and made him do it, enunciate it, pronounce it, shake my hand.
We hugged it out.

Speaker 1 And somewhere there's a picture, I'll have to find it and post it, of Tom Cruise holding a football. And Sal and I have our hands on it.

Speaker 1 Like the orb. Yeah.

Speaker 1 And

Speaker 1 And yeah, I mean,

Speaker 1 the rest is history. That's crazy.
So I noticed that you omitted quite conveniently all the pranks that you pulled Sal to lead up to this point.

Speaker 1 Because I'm sure Sal just wasn't like, I'm going to fuck with Jeff on his big TV show. No, I don't have that in me.
I don't know how to prank people.

Speaker 1 Everything I do, and Sal and I have debated this before, when I make fun of people, it's to their face.

Speaker 1 You know, I don't prank people. I don't only sneak up on people.
I don't talk behind people's back. If I'm going to take you down, it's going to be face-to-face.
That's what a roast is. Right.

Speaker 1 That's his version of roasting. Right.
Which is spray painting shit on your plate. Yeah.
I roasted you so good, you fucked. It's a classic prank.
We're just mean as possible. Yeah.

Speaker 1 All right, you got to go. You have historical roasts.
Check it out on Netflix. Jeff Ross.
So my last question was Seat Geek question. Put in promote.

Speaker 1 Yeah, where else are you going to be? We're going to be

Speaker 1 at the Mirage, June 7th and 8th, and then we're going out to Palm Springs to Harris, SoCal, and the Morongo. Okay, nice.
So check him out. He's on tour right now.

Speaker 1 Promo code TAKE for the SeatGeek purchase. So you can go to Jeff Ross comedy show.
Love it. Go to SeatGeek, put in promo code TAKE $10 Off.
Are you kidding me? You still get the money. I love that.

Speaker 1 You still get the money.

Speaker 1 But people get $10 off, free beer. That's really cool.
Thank you. Yeah, I just did that for you.
Wow. It's the only time we've ever done that deal.
You just bought a round for my whole audience.

Speaker 1 Yes, exactly. Now they'll think you're funny.
You guys are all right. Jokes will be better.
Yeah, exactly.

Speaker 1 So the last question is, you have probably the three most absurd hairstyles of all time, Full Bald Man, Corn Rose, and the Jufro. How did you pull all three of those off?

Speaker 1 I'm not even halfway done, bro. Oh, you got more in the body?

Speaker 1 Life is long, man. Life is long.
I'm working on the Carrot Top. Oh, hell yeah.

Speaker 1 Fuck. Hell yeah.
Is that your next, like the next evolution of your career is to just get jacked as hell, grow your hair out? That does happen to people. Yeah.

Speaker 1 I think I've always kind of had the exact same body since I was about 13. That's good.
I don't like it when people get into too good a shape. No, which is why we're not promising.

Speaker 1 It's not great for comedy. It would be funny if you just fluctuated.
Like if you, like one year, you're like, I'm jacked, and the next year you're 400 pounds.

Speaker 1 It wouldn't be good, but every time I try to get in shape as a comedian, I do feel better, but

Speaker 1 I'm like, I could be writing jokes right now. Why am I in this fucking gym? This sucks.

Speaker 1 This is not for me. Yeah, and I never found like fatter or skinnier to change my career at all.

Speaker 1 It really just makes the. You know, Rodney.
Yeah. Yeah.
He walked around in a bathrobe. Yeah, exactly.
He's a good-looking dude. Yeah, I'll tell you.

Speaker 1 You guys were a lot of fun. Get no respect.
I got one last question for you.

Speaker 1 Fire away. Back to real quick Donald Trump stuff because say what you want about no real quick Donald Trump.
No, no, I'll get in and out

Speaker 1 slipping your agenda into no I'm not you're not you're not gonna know where I'm going with this one But like say what you want about him But he's he basically gets on stage and he roasts the other people that he's debating He just like insults them until they shrink into like a little pile have you ever been in touch with anybody that's like Jeff I want you to write some material for my debate against Donald Trump?

Speaker 1 And would you? You should. I have been asked that, yes.
Would you do it? Bernie? I'm not going to say, but I have done that kind of stuff. Oh, wow.
Oh, okay. Interesting.
Political operatives.

Speaker 1 Also, you were mean to Blake Griffin, and he's a good friend of ours. So fuck off.
What a legend. Fuck off.
What? The Detroit joke was pretty good. I beat him.
Yeah, but he beat you in life.

Speaker 1 That's true. He beat us all in life.
No, he's a good friend of ours. So we just, I just had a sense of.
By the way, it's so rare.

Speaker 1 I love when a superstar, not just a professional athlete, a superstar is like, bring it. Yes, he is exactly.
We roast him whenever he's on our show. He's never

Speaker 1 10 times. Never.
So funny. And he's actually funny.
He's very funny. He's not athlete funny.
There's athlete funny, then there's funny funny. You mentioned Shaq before, right? Yeah.

Speaker 1 I did that Shaq roast a long time ago, that Emmitt Smith roast that Shaq produced. Yeah.
And at rehearsal, this is the mark of a true champion. This is what I love when I see this.
I was nervous.

Speaker 1 I didn't have the reputation I have now. You know, this is like 2001, right?

Speaker 1 Or yeah.

Speaker 1 And I said, Shaq, you know, I have a lot of really over-the-top jokes for tonight. This is a rehearsal.
And I never would normally do this, but Shaq, respect, you know, like he flew me out.

Speaker 1 He's producing this charity event.

Speaker 1 I go, you know, you and Emmett, like, I'm sure, it seems like you have a great sense of humor, Shaq, but Emmett, is he going to be okay with, because I'm going to go in, man. I can't hold back.

Speaker 1 It's just, he goes, man, no one ever asked me to hold back on the court. I'm not going to ask you to hold back at a roast.

Speaker 1 And he shook my hand, looked me in the eyes, and I was like, man, I love this guy. Came on.
Came on.

Speaker 1 Blake was the same way.

Speaker 1 He is in that tradition of Smack Talk. But yeah, I also know when I'm kidding and playing and I can take it.
Yes. And I'm so freaking good.

Speaker 1 I'm so fucking good, nothing hurts. Yep.
There you go. Thank you for not swearing.
Jeff Ross, thank you so much. Thanks for having me.
Hope you had fun. Yeah.
Appreciate your thoughtful questions.

Speaker 1 Yes. Check out Historical Roasts on Netflix.
Very funny. I haven't watched it, but very funny.
Roast Muhammad Ali. You do? It's a goat roast.
He gets roasted by Bruce Lee and Babe Ruth. Oh, wow.

Speaker 1 I like that. Shit.
It's a really cool show. Sports fans will love

Speaker 1 Ali roast. Yeah.
All right. Thanks, Jeff.

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Speaker 1 Okay, let's get to some segments. First up, we have a not afraid to go there from Doug Gottlieb.
Doug Gottlieb, he went there. He went there.
Not afraid to. Doug Gottlieb went after our player, R.J.

Speaker 1 Hampton, signed with our team, the New Zealand Breakers. He tweeted, R.J.
Hampton agreeing to sign in New Zealand a month ago and only telling colleges this week is about as classless as they come.

Speaker 1 I blame his parents. Call the coaches, tell them your decision.
They all would have wished him well and moved on. What a DB.
I'm assuming that's not defensive back. Yeah.
That's a douchebag maneuver.

Speaker 1 Yeah. Wow.
Douglas. Strong words from Doug Gottlieb on that one.
Yes. Classless.

Speaker 1 Make mistakes, but not anymore.

Speaker 1 Only like they, now RJ Hampton, he is a DB. We'll find out in 20 years when RJ grows up, if he has a successful career in the media, getting invited on Colin Coward's show once a month.
Right.

Speaker 1 At that point, we can judge whether or not he was classy as an 18-year-old. This shit is so fucking stupid because every single coach in college athletics, pretty much,

Speaker 1 there's a couple guys out there who are not like this, but almost every single coach is climbing the ladder.

Speaker 1 cutting scholarships for more talented players, recruiting over their scholarship limit. That happens all the time.

Speaker 1 They'll like, hey, end-of-the-bench guy, you lose your scholarship because we found someone else for it. They will move on instantly.

Speaker 1 Jimbo Fisher literally quit on FSU because he knew he was going to Texas A ⁇ M. He didn't tell anyone that.
All these coaches are looking out for themselves.

Speaker 1 All these coaches, they'll tell you one day, I want to be here for life, and then the next day, they're fucking gone.

Speaker 1 But no, an 18-year-old has to tell these colleges that basically control him, because he would have gone to the draft if he was allowed to go to the draft, that no, I'm actually going to go play for the New Zealand Breakers.

Speaker 1 Poor Bill Self, poor Coach K. How will they find another five-star recruit? I think the big takeaway here is he should have also let the journalists know beforehand.
True.

Speaker 1 So like he didn't give us a heads up. He didn't give us a headache.
Dude, he didn't even tell his owners.

Speaker 1 Yeah, we didn't know until 30 days after he signed. Yeah, so why should Bill Self know? Exactly.
Why should Doug? Well, Doug Gottlieb should know. I'm going to make a change in myself.

Speaker 1 Whenever I make a decision to eat lunch, I'm going to be like, hey, Doug, just letting you know I'm having potbelly for lunch. Could you let Chipotle, McDonald's, Subway, all these organizations know?

Speaker 1 Because they were all vying for my money and for my business. So just pass that along to them, let them know.

Speaker 1 But then RJ today, now he's doing recruiting for us, a little paid forward thing that he's doing. He offered Lamello Ball.
He said, come to New Zealand, bro.

Speaker 1 And Lamelo Ball just tweeted back saying, I'm going to talk to my people. Yeah, which I assume is us.
Yeah, it's us. Do you think Lamello is trying to get in touch with us?

Speaker 1 Yeah, that's this league for Australia. Yeah.
That's not a league. This is a league.
One last thing about Doug Gottlieb. It's not a secret that Doug Gottlieb wants to be a college coach.

Speaker 1 Like, he wanted the Oklahoma State job when it was available, I think it was last year, the year year before.

Speaker 1 He knows how this game is played. College coaches, college basketball coaches, especially, are like the tightest fraternity out there.
Like you see like Jim Bohem's only friend is Coach K.

Speaker 1 Like all these guys, they get together, they all like, you know, get along, they all have each other's backs.

Speaker 1 This is such a shameless move by Doug Gottlieb to basically be like, yeah, these players are out of control. Let me in your fraternity, coaches.
Fuck off. The real victim here is Kansas basketball.

Speaker 1 Yeah, exactly. How will they get another five-star recruitment? Never.
And look, I like it. I want to go.
That's a bucket list item to go see a game at Kansas.

Speaker 1 But when you have like a bunch of people agreeing with Doug Gottlieb that all have Lawrence, Kansas in their title, in their Twitter title, it's like, dude, you're just mad because you lost him, which I get.

Speaker 1 And again, I do not begrudge coaches going up the ladder, but don't fucking tell me an 18-year-old can't do the same thing.

Speaker 1 Fun little fact, whenever you see somebody doing the hat thing where they're picking which hat from the college they're going to go to, they don't know where they're going to go until the second they put that hat on their head.

Speaker 1 So it's not like they couldn't have let anybody else know about it before that time. Yes.
So like, on that hand, I kind of understand what Doug's saying.

Speaker 1 It's like it's tradition in this country to make these choices at the very last second. It's so stupid.

Speaker 1 I just can't stand when like adults are trying to basically control 18-year-old kids. And to call out his parents is like such a weird fucking move, dude.
Just a weird, weird move. I don't know.

Speaker 1 And look, obviously I'm biased because he's our player. Oh, yeah.

Speaker 1 But I think I'd have a similar reaction even if it was someone else because it's just a crazy move to call an 18-year-old a douchebag for wanting to make a decision for himself.

Speaker 1 Yeah, and I don't really understand why Doug, if it's not for the coaching purposes, why Doug would be very upset about that. It's the coaching thing.

Speaker 1 He wants to ingratiate himself to the coaching fraternity. Consider it done.
Yeah. Yeah.

Speaker 1 Everyone else out there, Coach K is looking at that and he's like, that Doug Gottlieb, he knows what he's talking about. Or you can.
His kids are fucking out of control.

Speaker 1 If you're a kid out there, just whisper your choice into Jay Billis's ear. So you told somebody.
Yeah. And then he's not going to tell anyone else.
Correct. Correct.
By the way, Brad Calapari. Yeah.

Speaker 1 We should put him on the radio too. He's on our radio.
Transfer portal. I've indicated that we have preliminary interest in Brad Calapari.

Speaker 1 Just for like the swag.

Speaker 1 Just a reminder, next Thursday we're hosting Kentucky Sports Radio, and to say everything is falling into place perfectly between RJ Hampton and now Brad Calapari going into the transfer portal.

Speaker 1 It's going to be the best two hours we've done on that station. Yeah.
We've only done six hours on that station. But it's going to be great.
The best too.

Speaker 1 Save metrics. You have to save metrics for that.
Yeah, so this was sent by friend of the program, Ryan Winfield. He did a little number crunching.
It's the off-season football, so

Speaker 1 he needed to kind of like get in the game a little bit, had some time to kill recovering from a vasectomy. Hopefully the boys are good, Ryan.

Speaker 1 He put together a spreadsheet. Wait, this was a vasectomy save metrics? This is a vasectomy saver metrics.
So he should have gotten it in March when all real guys do it.

Speaker 1 No, but there's a waiting list, probably. That's true.

Speaker 1 It's too hot of a thing right now. So he put together a spreadsheet of over-unders by announcers in the NFL.
Okay.

Speaker 1 Who do you think out of all the major announcing teams, and I'm saying the ones that do 17 to 25 games a year,

Speaker 1 who do you think had the highest percentage of overs? Monday Night Crew. No, it was Charles Davis and Kevin Burkhart.
Oh, you said the fucking main ones. Well, they do a game every weekend.

Speaker 1 I know, but that's not the main game. I was talking about

Speaker 1 Tony Romo, Joe Bob.

Speaker 1 the ones that do, like, let's say

Speaker 1 12 to 20 games a year. Interpretation of that thing.
Because there are a lot of B teams that only come out for like one or two games. Right.
Okay.

Speaker 1 Just tell me the main four. Okay, so Al Michaels and Chris Collinsworth, they only hit the over 33% of the time.

Speaker 1 That's actually friend of the program, Tom Fernelli, always says, Sunday Night Under is, Monday Night Overs. Yeah, it's a little mind fuck.

Speaker 1 Yeah, Hank always says that. Edit that out.
Say Hank always says that.

Speaker 1 It's a mind fuck because you live to hear Al Michaels just say, and this one is over. Right.
You know, and so

Speaker 1 every time he says that, you're like, oh, it must happen all the time. Only 33% for those guys.
If you go down the list for Troy Aikman, 60% of the time. Okay.
With him and Joe Buck, it hits you over.

Speaker 1 Let's see what else we have here. For,

Speaker 1 let's see, the worst one is...

Speaker 1 Al Michaels and Chris Collinsworth. That's by far the worst one.
Kevin Harlan, Rich Gannon only hit the over 35% of the time.

Speaker 1 So if you're looking to make money on the over, go for Sam Rosen, Chris Carter, Kevin Burkhart and Charles Jason. Give us the main booths.
Jim Nance and Tony Romo, what do you think about them?

Speaker 1 I don't know.

Speaker 1 53%.

Speaker 1 Only 35% of the time. Damn.
I was right with the numbers. Yeah.
Just reversed. Yeah, very right.
Just completely wrong. Well, 53%.

Speaker 1 Exactly right. Yeah.

Speaker 1 The Monday night booth, only 43% of the time hits the over. Better than the Sunday, though.
But now that Booger is up in the booth, that could have changed the dynamic switches. That could all change.

Speaker 1 So, yeah, that's just, it got me going, got me thinking about football. How far back does it go? Just the season.

Speaker 1 Huge sample size. Just the season.
I thought this was like historical.

Speaker 1 No, it is historical. It is historical, but I thought it was like a 10-year sample this year.

Speaker 1 He would have to get like seven vasectomies to do all that.

Speaker 1 If you have to get another vasectomy, next person get a vasectomy, do 2017. Yeah, then let's keep going back and back and back.
Let's get 10-year sample size, then we'll compile it all. Yep.

Speaker 1 Someone set up a Google spreadsheet where we can put it all into it. All right.
Thank you, Ryan. I mean, that's a hilarious way to spend a vasectomy.
It's just like, fuck.

Speaker 1 Well, I'm just going to dig deep into this. That's what guys, when we can't nut, we just start doing math.
Right, right. Because it's the most distracting.
It takes up all our time.

Speaker 1 Oh, I had a quick Tim Tebow update. Oh.
He got struck out by a positional player. Okay.
I don't care. Like I said, I don't care.
Bring him up. Sometimes you have to.

Speaker 1 Listen, he got gassed by a positional player. Did you see it? Tebow rises to the level of his competition.
So it doesn't surprise me that he would strike out against a bad pitcher.

Speaker 1 Last up, we had a bad visual for Scotty Pippen because he's suing a five-year-old. Yeah, it's tough look.
But I read it, and I actually agree with him. So essentially,

Speaker 1 he has a property in Florida. He rented it out.
The people trashed the house. And part of the trashing of the house was someone took crayons to all the walls, and it was most likely a five-year-old.

Speaker 1 So boom, you're getting sued.

Speaker 1 I like that. I think twice for doing that again.
You'll never learn if you don't get sued by Scottie Pippen. Yeah, no tipping Pippin.
Come on, you better get that five-year-old.

Speaker 1 I want to see that five-year-old on the stand. Do they do that for like six years? Oh, yeah, you fucking better believe that.
Okay, let's get that five-year-old on the stand. Yes, sir.

Speaker 1 Let's see her handwriting. Let's match her handwriting up against the show me on this house where the crayon touched the wall.
Yeah, exactly. And just go do it, and then we'll match them up.

Speaker 1 Yeah, Scotty Pippen. Well, you don't get rich by not suing five-year-olds.
Correct. I mean, you have to sue everyone.
Save every every penny.

Speaker 1 I hope to someday be at a point where I can just start suing everyone. I would like to sue Riley Curry for not showing up in this postseason and facing the media.
I'd agree. I'd agree.

Speaker 1 If this is your first part of my take, you probably think I have a pretty big axe to grind with Riley Curry, the number of times I brought her up. I just...
I was going to say, you're right.

Speaker 1 You're absolutely right. I don't like the fact that she goes out there after a win and

Speaker 1 she gets to hot dog it. Pulls the curtains and does all the cute shit.
And then after a loss, she doesn't have to answer for her poor performance. Nope.
Nope. She's nowhere to be found.

Speaker 1 She's probably asleep. She's probably past her bedtime.
Yeah. Oh, isn't it convenient that the game started at 10.30 at night? Yeah.
Jesus Christ. I can't believe that they start so late.

Speaker 1 In Newfoundland, it started at 10. Yeah.
All right, Hank. FAQs, let's finish up episode 500.

Speaker 1 Do you hear that noise?

Speaker 1 It's a bowling alley. We're upstairs.
It's like a subway. But the subway is not near here.
Oh, yes, it is. It's right out there.
That is the subway. It's a subway.

Speaker 1 Okay, so we just built the studio on top of a

Speaker 1 somewhat operational subway.

Speaker 4 Sup, PFT, how many times have you cut your hair since the show debut?

Speaker 1 Zero. Whoa, not even a trim? No, I have.

Speaker 1 I've had to trim it a couple times. Trimming is fine.
I still consider myself not a native long hair person because I've only had long hair for the last six years, seven years.

Speaker 1 But I did grow up having long hair, so I don't know how to deal with it sometimes.

Speaker 1 I think a couple inches is not like a cut. Once it gets down to the fourth nipple, that's when it's time to trim the split ends off a little bit.

Speaker 1 That's a good way to measure it.

Speaker 4 Hey, PMT, I've always wondered this. Where are you guys on the corporate ladder of barstool?

Speaker 1 Are you guys in charge of different departments of the company or you just have to worry about PMT?

Speaker 1 We're walking to every episode. Yeah, dude, we make all the fucking big, heavy hitter decisions.
We're walking under the corporate ladder holding a black cat, stepping on a broken mirror.

Speaker 1 Here's a good example of what we do and do not know. We hired someone today.
We didn't know until Dave tweeted it. Yeah.

Speaker 1 Yeah, how we found out that we found out when everyone else did.

Speaker 1 Yeah, I would say not really. I mean, we work on the things we work on, but in terms of

Speaker 1 corporate meetings, I don't know. I went, when we first got bought by Chernin, they like had me, Kevin, me and Kevin go out there, Kevin and I?

Speaker 1 Kevin and I. Kevin and I go out to LA to meet them, and we're like, they're like, yeah, you get like, you know, this is just as much about you as it is about Dave and everything.
And that was like it.

Speaker 1 That was like three years ago. And that was that.

Speaker 1 I don't get a text or anything from them ever. Yeah.
The biggest corporate decision I make is which wing place to order from. Yeah.

Speaker 4 Was there a particular show where Big Cat and PFT had major beef going into it? What were you two fighting about?

Speaker 1 I don't think so. No.
We don't really have major beef. No.
There's like, I think it's more what happens is there's times of tension just of like tired or being together for a very long time.

Speaker 1 Most of the beef you hear plays out in the show. Yeah, true.
But Like, I don't want to eat poop. Oh, yeah, you said that you had to, but you bullied me into it.
Oh, no, you got to eat poop.

Speaker 1 Okay, I'll eat poop. I can't remember.
I don't think we've ever gotten in, like, a big fight.

Speaker 1 It's more literally like you can tell when we have been working too much, and there's just, it's like frayed tension. It's like the hair's gotten to the fourth nipple, time to cut it off.

Speaker 1 Yeah, the biggest,

Speaker 1 we've gotten some fights about really stupid shit, like,

Speaker 1 should we get a full squat rack in the studio? No, that would, no, Hank fought us on that. Yeah, that was me and you for him.
Yeah.

Speaker 1 That always sucks for Hank when it's just me and PFT. Like, shut up, Hank.
But he's usually right. Always.

Speaker 1 Dan Bilzerian.

Speaker 1 Yeah.

Speaker 1 Let's get a convertible on this trip. That's what we fight about.
Yeah, that's true. PFT is a bit of a music.
Because he wants to get a two-seater for four people. Honest convertible shit again.

Speaker 4 Is the PMT crew iPhone guys, or does one of you fuck up the group messages?

Speaker 1 No, never fuck up the group message. Never.
Although, I'm a Wii Phone guy.

Speaker 1 I saw our friend Mark Titus uh tweeting about that today because he is an Android user it fucks me up everyone knows one or two android users in their life but he said he had a good point that he doesn't get included in group messages which is actually awesome because what happens when you're in a group message is you get out of something like you get out of a movie or you get out of like doing something you look at your phone there's 50 text messages you think the world's on fire and it's two dudes debating something stupid back and forth in a group text yeah but but we all are iPhone guys.

Speaker 1 Yeah.

Speaker 1 We rock the iPhone. I need a new one, by the way.
Someone would remind me.

Speaker 4 Maybe if you just got a case.

Speaker 4 Fuck you, dude.

Speaker 1 You think Steve Jobs wants you to put a fucking case on that thing? Yeah.

Speaker 1 Taking a shower with a raincoat on it. He doesn't.

Speaker 4 He wants you to break it so you have to get another one. Well,

Speaker 1 mission accomplished.

Speaker 1 He makes him slippery. You got me.

Speaker 4 Here's one for me.

Speaker 1 You know, remember Sporkle? Yeah.

Speaker 4 If there was a Sporkle for 500 episodes of PMT.

Speaker 1 Wait, what's Sporkle? It was the

Speaker 1 quiz show?

Speaker 4 Yeah, it was just like lists.

Speaker 1 So it would be like

Speaker 4 it would be 500 blank spaces. But if you typed in like Ryan Whitney, it would fill in like however many, 10.
How many of the 500 guests could you do?

Speaker 1 Whoa!

Speaker 1 Shit. Well, we haven't had 500 guests.
No, we probably had like 300 guests.

Speaker 4 That's what I'm saying. So if you're typing it in, it's 500 blank spaces.
You type in Ryan Whitney and it fills in whatever, 50.

Speaker 1 All right, so

Speaker 1 we can't do all that. But here's a question for you guys.

Speaker 4 How many out of 500?

Speaker 1 Oh, I could probably get, I could probably get

Speaker 1 like 80% of the unique guests.

Speaker 1 I'd probably get 80%.

Speaker 1 I would be less than that, I think. Here's a good question:

Speaker 1 who has appeared as a guest the most on part in my take? What's your guys' guess? Florio. Florio would be a good guest.

Speaker 1 Whitney's up there.

Speaker 1 Mr. Portnoy.
Florio.

Speaker 1 Chris Long has been Blake Griffin.

Speaker 1 Portals.

Speaker 1 Titus.

Speaker 1 There's a few that we've had on probably about seven or eight times. Florio Whitney, I would say.

Speaker 1 Florio and Whitney are probably up there. I'm definitely

Speaker 1 ahead. Yeah.
Probably. Stacey King.

Speaker 1 He hung up on me because I asked if about Scotty Pippen's dick. He didn't want to get sued.

Speaker 1 Yeah, I said it was a true Scotty Pippen. I had a bigger dick than MJ.

Speaker 4 All right, and then people. Oh, and is there anyone, this will be the last one.
Is there anyone other than Dak Prescott or Dan Marino who gave a shitty interview you would want to run it back with?

Speaker 1 Oh, I wouldn't want to run it back with either of them. Yeah.

Speaker 1 Like, maybe Dak face to face. Fuck no.
He's he's fucked us over twice.

Speaker 1 We're not a Dak podcast. Um,

Speaker 1 who have we screwed up that we would like to run it back? I don't think so. I mean, there's obviously interviews where we know we like

Speaker 1 crushed it. Mike Dika, because Hank forgot the batteries.
And we, what happened?

Speaker 4 The audio just stopped recording and fucked up.

Speaker 1 Why do we stop recording?

Speaker 4 No, we didn't realize until after we recorded that it was fucked.

Speaker 1 Oh. We couldn't go back.
Got it. Okay.

Speaker 1 Why was it fucked up?

Speaker 4 Because when we stopped recording, the recording just didn't show up.

Speaker 1 Got it. Okay.
That was early on. That was in his game.
We showed up to Dicka's Steakhouse. We walked in.
We're like, hey, we're here. Because I, remember how that happened?

Speaker 4 Instead of recording on a recorder with four recorders, I had two separate two-channel recorders.

Speaker 1 Yeah. But remember how that happened? How ridiculous that interview was? That was early on.
Loud Sean gave us

Speaker 1 the NFL black book and Dicka's phone number was in there. I just took it, called him, and I was like, hey, Coach, huge fan, would love to interview for our podcast part of my day.

Speaker 1 We're going to be in Chicago. He's like, all right, come to my restaurant 6 o'clock Wednesday night.
We showed up, and we're like, hey, we're here to interview Coach.

Speaker 1 He's like, he's upstairs where he always is. And we just show up and we're like, hey, Coach, we're here for the podcast interview.
He's like, okay, fine. And he's like, sit down.

Speaker 1 And we just sat down next to like them bussing tables. He's like, all right, go.
You were wearing a shirt with this. What is going on? I was wearing a shirt with his face on it.

Speaker 1 And he was like, I'm not getting paid for that. Yeah, yeah, well,

Speaker 1 the first time I showed him my shirts, he farted on me. So that was back.
Kato Kalen. I'd like to review on Kato.
Skrelly.

Speaker 1 Yeah. Maybe tell him, hey, dude, you're going to jail.

Speaker 1 I think I did tell him that. Yeah, I think we did tell him that.
But it's been wild. I don't know.
I mean, it would be fun to go back through the whole list. Someone make a sporkle for us.

Speaker 1 Can someone do that, please? And also count the announcers. Someone start with 2018, please.
17, 17, right?

Speaker 1 Yeah, we'll do 2017 first. Yeah.
And then get your other ball cut off and do 2016. All right, that's our show.
We'll see everyone Monday. Love you guys.

Speaker 1 I'm not what I'm to say. I'm saying anyway.

Speaker 1 Today's end my day, the following. Shine away.

Speaker 1 I'm coming for your love of day. Shine away.

Speaker 1 I'm coming for your love up face.

Speaker 1 Some needs to stay.

Speaker 1 I won't say it, sperm beats over that way.

Speaker 1 Smelling burning, but life is okay. Say after me.

Speaker 1 They say to me, say to Savior, say after me.

Speaker 1 They said it to be safe to sell it. Things I can say, every little I thought.
Just play my burden away.

Speaker 1 You all think I've got to remember. You're shining away.

Speaker 1 I'll come to you, many mind. You're shining away.

Speaker 1 I'll come to you, many minds.

Speaker 1 Take on me.

Speaker 1 Take on the earth.

Speaker 1 Take on me.

Speaker 1 Take on me.