3X Major Champion Brooks Koepka + NBA Draft Lottery

Speaker 1 Hey, pardon my take, listeners. You can find every episode on Apple Podcasts, Spotify, or YouTube.
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Speaker 1 go say it pga championship open say the name brooks kipka

Speaker 1 we have him on the show we found out that brooks kepka who is an unbelievable golfer is also the blake borders of golf he's just a dude he's just a dude who loves to hit the ball really far and win a shitload of money.

Speaker 1 He's Gucci, bro. He's Gucci, bro.
So we have him on the show. Really fun interview.

Speaker 1 We have NBA draft lottery, nonsense, game one of the Western Conference final, hot seat, cool thrown, guys on chicks. Oh, and Bachelor Talk is back.
A pack show. Correction: Bachelorette talk.

Speaker 1 Bachelorette talk is back for guys who don't watch the Bachelor, except for Hank, who live tweets every fucking episode. Yes.

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Speaker 1 Okay, let's go.

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Speaker 1 Lives today is Wednesday,

Speaker 1 May 14th,

Speaker 1 15th. Payday.
Payday, tax day,

Speaker 1 and NBA draft lottery day. Tanking is over.
Turns out Nate Silver is full of shit. Yeah.
Because 14% of Hillary. Oh, yeah.
14%. Well, no, update.
Yeah, yeah. This is worse.

Speaker 1 The Knicks, they had what?

Speaker 1 Was it 14% chance

Speaker 1 of winning the number one pick? And it turns out that 14% does not equal 100%.

Speaker 1 Okay, so we had the draft lottery. You're right, PFT.
By the way, going into it, well, let's start this way. Pelicans number one, Grizzlies number two, Knicks three, Lakers four.

Speaker 1 If you went through who had the lottery odds from that, the Pelicans had the ninth best odds. They get the number one pick.
The The Grizzlies had the eighth best odds, they get the two pick.

Speaker 1 The Knicks had the first best odds, they get the three pick, and the Lakers had the 11th best odds, they get the four-pick. Tanking is over, it is successful.
Adam Silver, good job.

Speaker 1 Listen, you can anti-tank draft lottery. I've long said in the NBA, and Trent Dilfer will back me up on this: you cannot lose games in the NBA and still win.
Right.

Speaker 1 And Silver is all over that right now. Both Silvers, Nate and Adam Silver.

Speaker 1 So what we learned from this, so

Speaker 1 we'll break down the Zion to the Pelicans stuff and all that, but what we learned from this is the NBA is rigged.

Speaker 1 Yes, in a way. Well, I was going to say that no matter what.
Yeah, so the flowchart was going to be if he went to the Knicks, then the NBA is rigged. If he doesn't go to the Knicks, rigged.
Rigged.

Speaker 1 If he goes to the Lakers, rigged. Also rigged.
I was really hoping. He was the Cavs, rigged.
I would always get number one.

Speaker 1 I was really hoping for the Lakers to get the number one pick just for the the ensuing chaos of LeBron James trying to reconcile in his mind what's going to happen.

Speaker 1 I wanted it just so that Zion was better than LeBron, and it was like LeBron's on Zion's team, not the other way around. Well, Zion outscored LeBron by, I think, a thousand points in college.
True.

Speaker 1 True. Easily.
Yeah. Went deeper in the tournament, too.
Way further. Actually,

Speaker 1 their tournament team did cover the same amount of games, though. True.
That brings up a good point, though. Hank, if the Pelicans don't make the playoffs, you're going to get cat.

Speaker 1 Interesting.

Speaker 1 So the Pelicans now get Zion.

Speaker 1 The reason why people are saying it's rigged this way is it is payback for the fact that they're going to probably have to trade Anthony Davis. He still wants to trade as of right now.

Speaker 1 Payback for the Chris Paul fiasco back in the day. Zion going to the Pelicans.
It will keep basketball alive in New Orleans because it was on its deathbed. And then we have the Grizzlies.

Speaker 1 I don't know how to spin that as rigged. I just know that John Morant's going to be on the Grizzlies.

Speaker 1 Grizzlies, and in like eight years, we're going to be like, oh, yeah, John Morant's on the Grizzlies. Yeah, that's cool.
It's going to be one of those things.

Speaker 1 I don't know how the Grizzlies would have factored into it, but they didn't get, it's rigged because they didn't get the number one pick.

Speaker 1 So when they were in the Final Four, Silver was like, no, make sure that the Grizzlies don't get the number one pick. So mission accomplished

Speaker 1 by him. And then the Knicks get the three, which is rigged because

Speaker 1 RJ Barrett or Cam Reddish, they went to Duke. Yeah, that's true.
So there you go. That's how the whole thing is rigged.

Speaker 1 And RJ, what, RJ was supposed to be the number one pick going into this tour, right?

Speaker 1 So it just got, it got rigged too far in advance. Yeah.

Speaker 1 So if you're a Knicks fan and you're feeling really down right now, just go onto Google and search top pick in the draft and then have the settings be from August 2018 to like October 2018.

Speaker 1 And boom, you got the best player. It's very simple.

Speaker 1 Just eternal sunshine of the spotless mind yourself and take out the last year and a half of what's happened in college basketball and you'll be very, very happy.

Speaker 1 Yeah, go look at the high school rankings. You got the number one guy.
But don't watch Zion's high school highlights because those are really impressive. So are we happy or sad that this is...

Speaker 1 Well, I'm going to do a seeing red in a minute, but are we happy or sad that he's going to the Pelicans and not the Knicks?

Speaker 1 I'm happy. Okay.
Go on. I'm happy.
I don't think that New York - I don't know what New Yorkers are like when the Knicks are really, really good. And I don't think that anybody wants to find out.

Speaker 1 The Mecca. The Mecca would be rocking.
Well, PFT, they are going to find out because Kevin Durant, according to sources, is 100% going to the New York Navy. Is your source Colin Coward?

Speaker 1 My source is someone who DM'd Colin Coward. Okay, even better.
Yes.

Speaker 1 Maybe it was a dog.

Speaker 1 Yeah, I'm happy. So I'm mad about the Bulls, but Zion and Anthony Davis have to play together.
I agree. Do not trade Anthony Davis.
You know what? As a minister, I am now proclaiming them married.

Speaker 1 Yes. They're tied to one another.
Anthony, you can't leave the state. You have to stay there because

Speaker 1 I want to see those two play together. I'm going to make them reenact the cover of the Mike Dika Ricky Williams ESP in the magazine.
Wedding dress, yeah. Who's wearing the wedding?

Speaker 1 Anthony Davis is wearing the tuxedo because he's got the unibrow, which is just basically a mustache with some balls that decided not to go south. The tuxedo that got a little bit north there.

Speaker 1 Exactly. I do want to see them play together.
I don't know how they would work together.

Speaker 1 I don't know if it would be a good team because like obviously the NBA is building their teams from the outside in as opposed to the other way around.

Speaker 1 So I don't know if zigging while everybody else zags would work, but I want to see if it does. Well, it would be awesome if Anthony Davis is like, you know what? This is actually kind of cool now.

Speaker 1 I'm going to stay in New Orleans because those two guys in New Orleans together would be awesome. If Anthony Davis does get traded, hopefully they get enough to make Zion.

Speaker 1 Like, I just want to see Zion play basketball and play it with a good team.

Speaker 1 I'm happy that the grit. Listen, no offense to Memphis.
I'm sure we have millions of Memphis listeners, but that is like basketball hell. Like, where is that? There's grit.

Speaker 1 They need to to move it to Seattle, and then I'd be excited for John Morant in Seattle. That would be great.
Bring back our Sonics. There is grit in Memphis, though.

Speaker 1 The Grit and Grind Grizzlies were some of my favorite teams of the early. What do you call the...
Are we in the teens right now?

Speaker 1 No, it's not the Otts. It's the teens.

Speaker 1 In the early teens, yeah. That's actually something I just thought of, the Grit and Grind Grizzlies.
People forget Zach Randolph. His jersey's been retired by Memphis, even though he didn't retire.

Speaker 1 His jersey got retired before he retired. What if John Morant wants that number? Ooh, that's going to be a problem.

Speaker 1 That's an issue. Yes.
You'd have to fight Zebo. Yes.
I'm taking Zebo nine times out of 10. Okay, so we have the Cavs and the Suns and the Bulls rounding out the seven picks there.

Speaker 1 The Cavs and the Suns had the number one chances along with the Knicks. So like we said,

Speaker 1 the anti-tanking setup has worked at least the first year. At least the first year, the worst three teams ended up with the third, the fifth, and the sixth pick.

Speaker 1 I don't know if that's a good thing or not. I don't really, I kind of like tanking.
I think tanking is kind of funny. When you get a really bad team, trust the process, that whole bullshit.

Speaker 1 But it's clear that going forward, it really doesn't matter because the odds have flattened so much. I will say, though, we had this debate before it started.

Speaker 1 When you are offered, when I say to you, hey, PFD, I'm going to give you, you can pick one of these four numbers. There's three of them are 14% chance.
One of them is 12.5% chance. Oh, shit.

Speaker 1 You're taking 12.5% chance because you're like, what's up with that? Because

Speaker 1 the other 14s cancel each other out. Yeah, like, what's going on here? What's that? I like that.
That 12.5%.

Speaker 1 It must know something. It must know something.
Well, it turns out it didn't because the Bulls get the seventh pick and starting seeing red right now. They're stuck again in just absolute bullshit.

Speaker 1 They got the seventh pick for the third year in a row. Garn Pax don't know what the fuck they're doing.

Speaker 1 John Paxton's got in front of the media and said, here's what he said. We've gone on our board already, and there are more than seven players that there that we like.
Bullshit.

Speaker 1 They probably fucking drafted whoever was in the, they looked at it, they watched the tournament, and they're like, oh, that guy, has he been there for four years? No, cancel him out.

Speaker 1 Did he go to Iowa State? No, cancel him out. They don't fucking know what they're going to do.

Speaker 1 I just know that Jerry Reinsdorf is going to get a team that sucks again, and everyone's going to be like, well, just have patience. Just have patience.
And it fucking sucks. And I'm just sick of it.

Speaker 1 I had a sick Zion shirt ready to go. And it's all for not.
And it happened so fast. That was the worst part.

Speaker 1 they did the lottery so fucking fast that it was like boom boom boom boom boom the bulls have a seven pay so what what are you gonna do with that zion shirt you should you what you should do i'm gonna burn it did you get one made like a true fan no okay so you just had the graphic to you had the the pdf ready to go to the photoshop you should just send that photoshop overseas to a country you know how like we send all the super bowl loser shirts yes overseas to people in you should send uh like just that picture that graphic over to a country that doesn't have as many photoshops perfect yeah just send it hey you guys don't have computers

Speaker 1 Send it to China. They don't even allow Photoshops.
Here's a Photoshop.

Speaker 1 It just sucks because the Bulls are just stuck forever and it's just going to be the same shit over and over and over again. I don't know how you get the seventh pick three years in a row.

Speaker 1 That's almost impossible to do. Well, I know how you avoid it.
Yeah. If you send Horace Grant up there, you make fucking sure he's wearing his goggles.
Absolutely.

Speaker 1 When you're the Knicks and you send Patrick Ewing up there, you make sure he's got his knee pads on and his sweat towel

Speaker 1 over his shoulder. Okay, so I'm on the other side of it.
I've kind of like calmed down. I'm thinking, Kobe White, Darius Garland, one of those two guys, give him to me.
Don't look me like that.

Speaker 1 He only played five games for Vandi, but he got hurt. What about

Speaker 1 it? There are a European player that we're not even sure exists. I'm sure.
They'll find him. They'll find that guy.
Yeah, they'll find him. He'll be soft as fuck.
Not that Lori's soft.

Speaker 1 He's actually strong. But here's what I'm going to do to make myself feel better.
I went back through history, and the seventh pick. Ready for it? Okay, so we had Lori Markinen, who's very, very good.

Speaker 1 Steph Curry, ever heard of him?

Speaker 1 Eric Gordon, Luol Dang, Kirk Heinrich,

Speaker 1 Rip Hamilton,

Speaker 1 Adrian Peterson, Champ Bailey, Frank Thomas, Clayton Kershaw, Kevin White, lucky number seven. Lucky number seven.
I'm on the other side. I'm feeling good.
Okay. I like that spin zone.

Speaker 1 I was watching the draft lottery, and all I kept thinking about was Roger Goodell is going to make sure that the NFL has some sort of lottery in place by the time Trevor Lawrence becomes eligible because he saw that this was like this was an event.

Speaker 1 This is bigger than the playoff game tonight because it involves so many other franchises uh goodell is everyone's got hope he's gonna make damn sure that the nfl adopts some sort of lottery yes although it's much harder to tank in the nfl i think than it is in the nba and the lakers obviously getting the fourth pick is a story because i don't know who they're going to get but lebron's going to hate him no he's going to be like hey this is my little bro and i'm going to put him under my wing and then hopefully with enough luck in like four years he's going to force a trade he's just going to make playing for lebron he's he's going to make the number four pick just dd for him all the time.

Speaker 1 Yes, exactly.

Speaker 1 My pledge, any lottery thoughts? No, I mean, the bulls, it did go by fast. It was funny watching people's hearts get broke like one after another.

Speaker 1 Yeah, it was basically just a chain reaction in the office.

Speaker 1 They could stretch that out for another half hour at least.

Speaker 1 I know this sounds stupid. This sounds very, very stupid.
But when you stretch it out and you give a little drama,

Speaker 1 it just went so fast. But that know what happened.
That's like...

Speaker 1 If it was stretched out, too long you would be on here complaining that No, I wanted to. I feel like it's tough with those shows, like the bracket selection show.

Speaker 1 Like, it's one of those things where you go too long, people hate it. You go too short, people hate it.
I think.

Speaker 1 Well, what if I walked in here right now and I was like, Hank, you're going to die soon?

Speaker 1 I would be.

Speaker 1 I'd rather die than know I'm going to die. No, I'd just rather be like, Hank, listen, sit down.
I want to talk to you. You're going to die soon.

Speaker 1 It's been real. Just watch it.
Oh, that was good. Damn.
By the way, both of those ways of telling Hank he was going to die, each one lasted about five seconds. Yeah, but the first one was really.

Speaker 1 Oh, those are separate. Those are separate.
Those are separate. Yeah, separate examples.
Hank, you're going to die soon. You're like, what? I have the seventh pick?

Speaker 1 Well, he didn't even understand what you were saying. Yeah.

Speaker 1 Yeah.

Speaker 1 I think you could stretch it out for at least an hour. I just needed a little more time.
I was just let down too fast. I think too abrupt.
I needed to hear Dan Gilbert's child get up and speak.

Speaker 1 And every person that's up there should have to give an acceptance speech. This was the draft pick that they got.
This was the time the Bulls finally were like, hey, we're going to suck a little bit.

Speaker 1 We're going to really suck a little bit. Like, not just mid-range suck.
And this was going to be the Zion draft. It was going to change everything.
And now he's a fucking pelican.

Speaker 1 Give me a break, man.

Speaker 1 It sucks he's not coming to New York. I would have rather had him go to New York, even the Lakers, just for the drama.
Because of the mecca. Yeah.
No, for the drama.

Speaker 1 I mean, we can watch at our office. It would be nice to just go over there.
Just like see him walking down the street. We would definitely run into Zion a few times at five guys.

Speaker 1 The Knicks are going to get Kevin Durant. That's the thing.
Like, the Knicks can at least sell themselves on that. You know what I mean? They're going to get Kevin Durant.

Speaker 1 They probably get Kyrie Irving. The Bulls got nothing.
Just stay out and hold strong for Riley Curry in like 2033. Oh, that would be sick.
She's going to be wet.

Speaker 1 Careful. Real careful.
Well, that was a bad brain moment on your part. No, you're

Speaker 1 just set of five-year-olds that'd be wet. Yeah, I was talking about shooting.
Julius Randle was also the seventh pick.

Speaker 1 It's just going to be funny watching people like when Zion's not playing as well as a rookie and people are like, oh, he's not even better than Julius Randle. It's like, Julius Randle's a good player.

Speaker 1 He's okay. Yeah, okay.
He's okay. Zion's better than Robert.
I'm really excited about Julius Randle. Chris Mim.

Speaker 1 I I wrote him down, too. Trading for Jamal Crawford, but Chris Mim, what a legend.

Speaker 1 Very strong player.

Speaker 1 All right, let's talk some games that are actually happening. The Warriors are currently, there's two minutes left in the game, and they're going to beat the Trailblazers by like Bloody Buckles.

Speaker 1 So this series is going to go five, like I said. I'm thinking.

Speaker 1 Will Kevin Durant play? No, that's the thing. Kevin Durant comes back, and then the Trailblazers win a couple games because there's just one ball.
Correct. Only one ball.

Speaker 1 So I'm still, I'm holding strong to my six. Okay.

Speaker 1 And we have the Eastern Conference Finals coming up tomorrow. The Raptors versus the Bucs.

Speaker 1 Hank, in hockey, the Bruins are five games away.

Speaker 1 So they're just, what happened to Carolina? They got to kill that pig. Yeah, well, they got to kill that pig.
I'm going to go. I'm going to take care of it.

Speaker 1 You're going to take care of it? I said that I would. If they lose, if they lose this round, I'm taking care of it.
You're going to take care of it. Yeah.
Wink. We all eaten.
Yeah.

Speaker 1 And then the Blues and the Sharks are tied at one. Did you see Giannis' comments about game one? No.
He said that the Raptors game one is a must-win, whereas the Celtics wasn't. Whoa.
Oh, interesting.

Speaker 1 So that was you just shitting on the Celtics after the tosser just revision as being like, it wasn't a must-win because it turns out that it was more of a can't-lose.

Speaker 1 Yeah. Also true.
Also true.

Speaker 1 Should we do some hot seat cool thrown?

Speaker 1 Let's get it. Let's get it.
Let's get it. Hank, why don't you start?

Speaker 1 My hot seat is people that wanted to see the Robert Kraft video. Yep, hand up.
Me. Judge and Palm Beach.
Also, me.

Speaker 1 Palm Beach County granted Robert Kraft's motion to suppress video evidence in his solicitation of prostitution case on Monday. So it's probably never going to see the light of day.

Speaker 1 We should make a fake one. We should stage it.
There's got to be the stunk copy. We should make.
We should stage it. Well, we can blur that part out so we can fake that.
Still not be small.

Speaker 1 But we can stage it.

Speaker 1 Yeah, we can stage it in our green room that we have now. The green screen room.
What's that? This is the Barstool Gold reminder.

Speaker 1 You need to download Barstool Gold right now because you get extra PMT episodes every single month. And you can watch every podcast on video.
Every podcast on video, Hank? Yeah, everyone.

Speaker 1 Every one sell. Every interview, every podcast.

Speaker 1 Maybe we make the Robert Kraft. No, we need to release that public.
You can watch us with Brooks Kepka in some random Long Island family's home. It's a finished basement, which is very nice.

Speaker 1 You don't see that that much. Yeah, you don't see it much.
So back to Robert Kraft. Yeah.
So Robert Kraft. I say that we fake.

Speaker 1 We do like a moon landing video, get Stanley Kubrick attached to it, and we just film it, blur it out a little bit, make it nice and grainy and black and white, and then we just collect all those internet hits off of it.

Speaker 1 Because I wanted to see it. I'm disappointed that I'm not going to see Robert Kraft's little dick get jacked off.
Download our or subscribe to our YouTube account.

Speaker 1 I have a sneaking feeling that there will be a video about Robert Kraft's leaked footage coming soon. I like that.
Hank, would you have watched it? Deepfakes. Oh, yeah.
Yeah, definitely. You have to.

Speaker 1 You have to watch. Everyone would have.
Come on. My other hot seat is Turkish basketball fans.
Uh-oh. So they're just, Turkey's just not going to broadcast the Warriors Blazers series.

Speaker 1 They're just ignoring it. Yeah.
They're pretending that it's not happening because of content.

Speaker 1 Whoever their representative said. Furthermore, if Portland makes it to the finals, that will not be broadcast either.
So if you're a basketball fan in Turkey, you're just kind of screwed.

Speaker 1 Well, they're probably not going to make the finals. True.
So you're just screwed for like the next week and a half. Which sucks.
But yeah, that's, listen.

Speaker 1 Say what you want about Erdogan, but when you start taking away postseason basketball from your citizens, I think we can all agree that's a bridge too far. Yes, I'd agree.
By the way,

Speaker 1 I got the second half over. I need two baskets.
It's not going to happen, right? Okay, that's tough. There's tough.
Oh, okay. Nope.
Not going to happen. Not going to happen.
All right.

Speaker 1 Is that it, Hank? Well, those are my hot seats. Okay.
So the next I have Cool Thrones. Yep.
That's okay.

Speaker 1 Which I have a few of.

Speaker 1 My first one is NCAA football. Oh, that was my cool throne.
Oh, dick. All right, then you can take it.

Speaker 1 There's one basket.

Speaker 1 My other cool throne was Bill Nye, the science guy. He's back.
Back in a big way. Did a video about global warming.
Did some trickaries. Lit a globe on fire.
People loved it.

Speaker 1 Bill Nye, our favorite science guy, is back. Bill Nye, not a scientist, but a science guy.
Yeah,

Speaker 1 he got exposed. Yeah,

Speaker 1 he got exposed because he doesn't have a degree in science.

Speaker 1 But he just called himself a science guy, like a football guy, but for science. Wait, don't.

Speaker 1 Yeah. What? Well, you're basically like, yeah, Bill Nye never got a degree in science, and he just called himself a science guy, like we call ourselves football guys.

Speaker 1 No, I was saying the the science guy is the science version of a football guy. Got it.
Okay. He's not a football coach.
Yes. He's not a science coach.
He's not a science teacher.

Speaker 1 He's just a science guy. He's a lover of science.
So yeah, he's dropping F-bombs now.

Speaker 1 Yeah, so he knows how to connect with the kids. They love hearing that fuckword.
Damn, Bill Nye, never meet your heroes. So Hank, what did you take away from that video?

Speaker 1 We should probably

Speaker 1 worry about the Earth more. Oh, that's deep.
Global warming. Yeah.
Yeah, I mean, that shit's bad. We're fucked.
It's not good. No, it's not.
Hank, it is not good. What is the actual term for it?

Speaker 1 You can't say global warming anymore. Fucked, is what Bill and I said.
We are fucked. No, but isn't it like...
Well, there's climate change. Climate change.
Yeah.

Speaker 1 But global warming was like too nice of a word, too soft of a word. Well, global warming sounds nice.
It's like, hey, the Earth's getting warmer. Oh, yeah, no shit.

Speaker 1 I live in New York and it's 40 degrees for nine months out of the year and we're never going to have a summer. Sign me up for that.
Give me all the styrofoam cups to burn.

Speaker 1 But when you say climate change, it kind of incorporates other stuff. By the way.
When I was a kid, I saw the commercial for An Inconvenient Truth, and I thought it was like a sci-fi movie.

Speaker 1 And that's changed you for the rest of your life. No, no, I remember I went to it and I was pissed.
Like, I watched it, and I was like, this is a GeoChovati. My mom was like, oh, I'll take you.

Speaker 1 I'd love to take you to that.

Speaker 1 I watched it and I was like, what the fuck is this? Yeah, there was a moment in time where Mama Lockwood was like, my boy is so intellectually curious.

Speaker 1 Like, no, he actually thought it was an Avengers movie. He thought that there was going to be an alien at some point in it that came out with a blow

Speaker 1 Yeah, so Hank's walking out of an inconvenient truth and he's super pissed off. And his mom's like, I think Hank really wants to do something about the climate.

Speaker 1 He's mad that he's not going to have a future for his children. Mom, where the fuck was Spider-Man? He's like, no, goddammit, mom.
I was hoping for the predator to come out of the Antarctic.

Speaker 1 That's bullshit. Thano's even in that one.

Speaker 1 Okay. That was a great story.

Speaker 1 All right, PFT, what do you got? My hot seat is Boston Accents. Okay.
Because they just did a study, and the Boston accent was named the number two sexiest accent in America. What's number one?

Speaker 1 A southern accent? Texas. So bless your heart, Hank.
Yeah. Bless your heart.
Goddamn. Bless your little heart.

Speaker 1 I would have thought Baltimore, Philly, the part of Florida where it sounds like you're in

Speaker 1 Amsterdam. Northern Minnesota.

Speaker 1 Very northern Minnesota. Yeah.
Oh, yeah. Hey, come over here and bring that hot rod of yours and just put it in my pooper.
Southern Canada. Yeah.

Speaker 1 Same thing. Southern Canada, northern Minnesota.
All the same. All the same.
Yeah. But it turns out that Boston was number two.
I don't know who commissioned this study. Matt Damon.
Yeah. Wahlberg.

Speaker 1 It's actually Ben Affleck. He's trying to get a blow bounce back.
Yeah. Hey, people still think I'm wicked sexy over here.

Speaker 1 My cool throne is... That was it.
That's it. Just one.
Wow. My cool throne, Hank, is war crimes.
Oh.

Speaker 1 So

Speaker 1 yeah, in addition to your queen. Danny, all of our queens.
Yas queen.

Speaker 1 One more week, you idiot.

Speaker 1 Proving that even female leaders can execute women and children in a fire it's war what war doesn't people don't innocent people die i'm just saying that's war that's that's not even my the biggest you're supposed to be a history buffer that's not even oh so you're siding with the people that burned uh entire villages to the ground i'm just saying it it's war war is war's war war is war okay

Speaker 1 thank you for your service hank lockheed martin hank

Speaker 1 hank hank lockheed would

Speaker 1 war is war anyway some fucking bombers anyways the real reason that war crimes are on the cool throne is because it came out today that Uber and Lyft have been allowing a war criminal to operate as a driver in Northern Virginia.

Speaker 1 That seems bad. He got past their background checks.
Wait, kind of funny. Dick Cheney's doing Uber? I'm sure he is.
Yes. What's going on now?

Speaker 1 Yeah, he's drunk and Ubering all over Montana or Wyoming again, just like old times.

Speaker 1 But it's kind of funny that people are losing their shit over the fact that he got past the Lyft and Uber background checks. But they're fine with him just like being here anyway.

Speaker 1 They're like, hey, that son of a bitch

Speaker 1 war criminal is driving my Uber, as opposed to like, hey, that son of a bitch war criminal is in the United States. It's actually people who are, they're probably like, fuck.

Speaker 1 If I had known, I wouldn't have given him five stars. Think about all the people who gave that war criminal five stars.
You got to feel like a real piece of shit. Real piece of shit.

Speaker 1 Also, the people that took a ride with him and he was trying to make small talk. Yeah.
And they're like, hey, dude, can you just shut up and face the road? Yeah.

Speaker 1 And then they get out of the car and they see who it was and they're like, fuck. He could have just lit me on fire.
Yeah. I wonder wonder why he was talking about the grizzlies.

Speaker 1 That's weird. Yeah.
So hopefully he picks up Dan Snyder at some point.

Speaker 1 Is he still out there? Yeah. He's doing it.
He did an interview today. I mean, I'm not going to defend Uber and Lyft here.
He said I'm making a ton of money.

Speaker 1 But that's like, it's probably a tough, it's easy to do a background check for like criminal history in the U.S., DUIs, all that stuff. They probably don't have a box like, are you a war criminal?

Speaker 1 Yes or no? And if it is a war criminal, they're probably going no. You check no so fast on that.

Speaker 1 You try to to figure out yourself yeah and then yes if so please explain yes exactly exactly all right is that it that's it yeah well no i got one more cool throne do it uh the tv shows supernatural and charmed are on the cool throne because it's big-time charmed season after you watch a game on tnt you leave your tv on maybe you go to the gym the next morning yeah and you're on the treadmills and every single tv is playing supernatural and charmed those fucking shows those ratings will not get out of out of my brain for the rest of my life as long as tnt has the rights to these late-night post-season basketball.

Speaker 1 I just want to get there, and I liked it. It's a backwards way of saying you went to the gym.
Congrats. Well, I don't need to go to the gym anymore because I've got these sweet guys.

Speaker 1 I've got the jumping shoes on. So I'm wearing the Jimmy shoes from Seinfeld.
And for everyone who thinks PFT is just doing it so that he can be a few inches taller, that's not what's happening.

Speaker 1 It doesn't make you any taller at all. Oh, really? No, it doesn't.
So what it does, it strengthens your calves.

Speaker 1 According to the two peer-reviewed studies that I read about them after I purchased them, you're actually more likely to suffer a devastating Achilles injury than you are to improve your verticality.

Speaker 1 But the people that tough it out and stick through the training regimen have added up to eight inches to their vert. Eight inches.
In which case, I will be slam-jamming some

Speaker 1 ping-pong balls in your face.

Speaker 1 I'm going to be doing tricks with ping-pong balls that David Stern could only dream about. We need to do a test.

Speaker 1 You need to jump right now to see it. See what my vert is right now? Yeah.
They call me Big Uzi Vert. Okay.
All right, let's see.

Speaker 1 Three, two, one.

Speaker 1 Okay, that was about a.

Speaker 1 Wait, do it one more time. I looked up.
I shouldn't be looking down.

Speaker 1 That wasn't a full jump. No, go ahead.
Yeah, jump as high as you can.

Speaker 1 I'm going to say that was like a five, that was like a five-inch vert. Hit the ceiling.
Five inches. Yeah.
So if you can get, that's the eye test.

Speaker 1 So we're going to have to do a controlled test here in like a month to do the same thing for me. And I'll tell you if you got better.
Got it. I'm going to dump.
Okay. My hot seats is me

Speaker 1 because I had the weirdest follow ever right before the draft lottery that pretty much has me shook beyond belief. Like, I don't know if I can tweet anymore.

Speaker 1 Anna Kendrick out of nowhere, which we still can't figure out what's happening.

Speaker 1 She's watching us. This is a sick brag on your business.
This is a sick brag.

Speaker 1 I also know

Speaker 1 it's a sick brag. Oh, it is.
Now,

Speaker 1 it was an accident. It has to be an accident, right?

Speaker 1 But you,

Speaker 1 PFT, you know when this happens.

Speaker 1 PFT, you know what this happens. I wouldn't just say that.

Speaker 1 Big cat, your game of throws.

Speaker 1 I deserve this. I deserve this.
Your game of throws. I deserve this.
We're so relatable. Well,

Speaker 1 all the tweets were just bitching about the bulls. You've had this OPFT where someone follows you and it pauses you and you're like, uh fuck.
Yeah. Like the next tweet's got to be fired.

Speaker 1 I got a few of those. Right.
I don't air them out. What is Anna Kendrick doing? You know what's going to happen is people are going to tag her now.
And

Speaker 1 I'd rather have the answer. I'm also going to slide in the DM and try to get her on Grit Week.
Okay. Do you think that's a good idea? Yeah, that's if you're doing it.
When do you think I should do it?

Speaker 1 If you think that's appropriate, when do you think I should do it? How much time? I'd say give it at least 30 minutes. Okay, I already did it.
So I did it like within five minutes.

Speaker 1 She probably thought you were the dude from Fantasy Factory. That's exactly what it is, Hank.
That's why I wanted to figure it out. That's exactly right.
She thinks that I'm Rob Dierjek's cousin.

Speaker 1 Why does she think that? Because his name is Big Cat on Twitter.

Speaker 1 He sometimes gets sports tweets and he's like, yo, stop fucking complaining about the Bears to me. Gotcha.

Speaker 1 So, all right, my cool throne is all of our fun

Speaker 1 because NCAA is a game. And KJ followed followed you.
No. NCAA video game is back.
NCAA, well, maybe back. NCAA formed a committee to bring back the NCAA football game.

Speaker 1 And this is the greatest news, I think, that has ever happened in my life because that game is the best game ever.

Speaker 1 For me, it's less about the game itself, more about the two things that are ancillary to the game. Number one, the soundtrack.
Yes. It's always awesome.
Listening to the fight songs.

Speaker 1 Bubba Sparks back in the mud. Soundtrack.
Yeah. Bubba Sparks Sparks back in the mud.
That entire soundtrack was amazing. And then number two, being able to simulate draft classes.
Okay, number three.

Speaker 1 So I love the game for different reasons. The fight songs and winning the Heisman by scheduling a couple cupcakes in September and getting like 15 touchdowns against them.

Speaker 1 Do they let you schedule out-of-conference games for 15 years in the future? Probably. That would be sick.
In the new one. This seriously, though, is the best news ever.
I'm so excited for this.

Speaker 1 If you didn't love that game, think about this. There's like kids out there that just don't know that game existed.
It's been five, six years. How long has it been? It's the least we could do.

Speaker 1 If we're going to be giving them a world that's so affected by Hank being upset about climate change, we should at least give them NCAA football. Hank, what were your takes on it?

Speaker 1 Because this is going to be your cool throne. I mean, same thing.
Best game ever. It really is.

Speaker 1 Better than Madden. I enjoyed playing NCAA football more than Madden.
Way better than Madden. Because you can

Speaker 1 quarterback. You won't win this game.
Right. And it's just, you get to play.

Speaker 1 It's basically like you get to play the cupcakes, you get to run up the score, you get to play rivalry being the getting to be the star running back or the star quarterback, and you get all the all the stadiums.

Speaker 1 I just need it. I need it back.
And shout out to Kirk Kirk. 2014 was the last one.
Really? Yeah. Who, all right, cover of 2014?

Speaker 1 Dennard Robinson. Yep.
Yeah. That was a classic one.
That's the other one. That's the covers.
By the way, listen out there. That's

Speaker 1 all I've got. That's the answer to a trivia question that you will hear at some point in your life.
Who was the last player on the cover of the NCAA football game before it got kicked off the market?

Speaker 1 I want to actually find the NCAA football games in going back.

Speaker 1 Thibaut was on one. I think, what's his name? The other

Speaker 1 gator who turned out to be problematic. Chris Leake, RG3.
I'm going back now. Percy Harvin.
Barry Sanders was on one. Mark Lee.
Diane Arrows are on one.

Speaker 1 Michael Crabtree. Mark Sanchez.
Wasn't there a Nebraska quarterback on there at some some point? Brian Arakpo was on it. Darren McFadden, 09.
I remember that game very well. Brian Johnson.
Jesus.

Speaker 1 Chris Winky, Sean Alexander, Ricky Williams, Charles Woodson, Danny Werfel. Holy shit.
Time capsule. I love it.
We need it back. It was a very, very fun game.
Very fun.

Speaker 1 And the thing about it was it was different from Madden in a lot of ways, too.

Speaker 1 You would sit down and be like, do you want to play NCAA football or Madden? And it wouldn't just be like, well, you can play with the University of Florida in this one or a pro team in the other.

Speaker 1 There were actually like major differences in the game that made it sweet. Yes, you could actually run.
Like, Madden got too hard. Madden got too hard in the last few years and just didn't get fun.

Speaker 1 Like, everything was too realistic. You'd go out there.
You passing cone, really. Right.
You'd go out there and you'd throw up like a Josh Rosen stat line and you'd win like seven to six.

Speaker 1 Like, well, I guess I had fun. Yeah.
Not really.

Speaker 1 All right. Let's get to our interview.
It's Brooks Kepka. If you like the Brooks Kepka interview, our guys, our colleagues at Four Play interviewed him on Tuesday.

Speaker 1 Probably more technical golf stuff with that interview. We did a little more

Speaker 1 just kind of just guys being dudes. Yeah, we're not big golf fans.

Speaker 1 Brooks Kepka isn't that big of a golf fan either. Yeah, he hates golf.
Well, he doesn't hate golf, but he doesn't like golf. He doesn't really like it.
He's just the best in the world at it.

Speaker 1 Right, exactly.

Speaker 4 Man, I'll tell you what. When you're hungry out there, you start acting like a rookie quarterback in his first game, making bad decisions, messing up the basics, being all out of sorts.

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Speaker 1 Here he is, Brooks Kepka.

Speaker 1 Okay. We now welcome on a very special guest.
We're in his home, his rented home in Long Island. It's Brooks Kepka.
He is the U.S.

Speaker 1 Open 2017-2018 champion and also the PGA champion return champion, right? So you're trying to defend your crown here this weekend at Beth Page Black.

Speaker 1 And I want to start with the most important question. You have three majors.
You're very good looking. You got muscles.
You got the whole fucking tan and everything. What's your problem?

Speaker 1 I got no problem. Okay, well, we got a problem.
Maybe you got one problem, Brandall. Okay.
Yes. We'll get to him.
Brandle Chamblee. I figured that might come around.
That's the issue.

Speaker 1 But seriously, like, you need,

Speaker 1 we're going to start a whole rebrand of Brooks Kepka on this show. You are too perfect.
So, we need to figure out, like, give us your biggest weakness to start this off. Biggest weakness.
Ooh.

Speaker 1 Reality TV. That's not a weakness.
You watch reality TV? That's a big strength. Real Housewives? You're a real housewife.
Yeah, I definitely watch it.

Speaker 1 You got skinny recently. I did.
That pissed off America. That was really interesting going into the Masters because people were mad at you that you lost weight.
I know. I don't get that.

Speaker 1 They were not fat. You know what everyone else is trying to do? Everybody was just like, I wish Brooks would would put on 30 pounds and get back to like his.

Speaker 1 How much weight did you lose? I was like 30 pounds. What was the plan behind that? I just wanted to look good.
That was it? Yeah. You just want to look good for the graham? Yeah, well, yeah.
Yeah.

Speaker 1 If you got a photo shoot, you might as well look at it. So you actually lost power, though, in your drive, right? Yeah.
And we're not golf guys, but we'll ask a couple golf.

Speaker 1 We'll sprinkle a couple golf guys with this. Is that bad to lose power on your drive? I mean, it's not good.
So it wouldn't be long. When you noticed it, like, were you like, what's going on here?

Speaker 1 I need to start eating again? Yeah, well, yeah.

Speaker 1 Once we got everything done, squared away all the photo shoots done we uh i definitely ate like a champ i know that okay so you actually got the cheeseburgers and pizza and did you actually have photo shoots oh yeah so you lost weight yeah for paying to look good yeah yeah did you who doesn't want to look good did you stop working out after yes huh okay i was definitely working out before how much do you bench these days i don't know I haven't benched in a long time.

Speaker 1 It's been like six weeks. Really? That's a really long time.
That's a really long time. That's great, though.
I heard that you used to be be able to put up 315. Yeah, I could.
How many times?

Speaker 1 Just once. Oh.

Speaker 1 Okay. I also heard that you used to work out sometimes after rounds.
Is that true? Yeah, before or after.

Speaker 1 Isn't that weird, though? Like, if you're lifting weights before you go out on the course, doesn't that affect?

Speaker 1 I feel like if I do three tricep extensions, I can't shoot a basketball for like a week afterwards. I look better in the shirts, though.
No? Your schmediums?

Speaker 1 Your mediums there. I've noticed that.
That's on my list as well.

Speaker 1 So wait, I want to go back because

Speaker 1 golf is one of those sports that everyone always thinks like, oh, you know, like the fat guys can play. It's, you know, Phil Mickelson back in the day.
Now it's completely different.

Speaker 1 You guys train like you're in the NFL or like NBA. We're not that big.
But

Speaker 1 let's be real. You guys have had plenty of NFL guys.
There's no reason that. But what's your training regimen like in the offseason? Like, are you training every single day?

Speaker 1 Yeah, in the offseason, yeah. I mean, you might as well.
What else are you going to do? I'm not playing golf. I got better things to do.
Oh, how long do you go without playing golf in the offseason?

Speaker 1 I'll go six weeks. That's really? Yeah.
When you get back out on the course after six weeks, do you notice like a major, major difference in how you're playing? Yeah. Really?

Speaker 1 Do you give yourself that break more mentally? Just so you're not going to be able to do it. Yeah, you're getting more weight.
I'd rather be on the boat drinking,

Speaker 1 hanging out, doing what everybody else is doing. You know, that like everybody else, they do the exact opposite where they go out to play golf to get away from stuff.
Yeah. Yeah.

Speaker 1 And that's their mental break. Yeah, exactly.
You're not helping the whole like you're too perfect narrative that you got going. All right, so let's talk about this this weekend.
Beth Page Black.

Speaker 1 I have no fucking idea if it's a hard course. I assume it is.

Speaker 1 Is there extra pressure being the returning champ? A little bit, but I mean, that's fun. Don't you want to be the guy that everybody's gunning for? I mean, I think that's fun.

Speaker 1 When you walk in the locker room, is everyone giving you a look? Like, oh, here comes Brooks Kepka. I hope so.

Speaker 1 Maybe if I took my shirt off,

Speaker 1 I don't know.

Speaker 1 What is a golf locker room like? I've always wondered that.

Speaker 1 It's not like any locker room that any other sport. It's pretty, yeah.
It's pretty weird. You guys talk at all?

Speaker 1 Yeah, there's talking going on. There's a lot of like, oh, we're friends.
We're this, we're that. But then everybody's just trying to kill everybody when they get out of the course.

Speaker 1 So it's like a little awkward. Yeah.

Speaker 1 So, yeah, you've won a bunch, I guess, a bunch of high-profile tournaments on really weird courses.

Speaker 1 You're like the master of the Streams courses in Aaron Hills with a fescue and that Shinnecock Laster. Why do you like defeating the courses that we like to cheer for so much? Yeah, weird course guys.

Speaker 1 Yeah. I don't know.
I don't really have an answer for that. But is there there anything about your game that translates directly into that? I like it when it's tough.
I don't know.

Speaker 1 It's easier when it's tough. You already know you got half the guys beat mentally.
They can't play the course, and then the other ones just mentally can't hang, and so you only got to beat a few. Huh.

Speaker 1 Do you do meditation or anything? No. So you just mentally get in the zone.
I'm just chill all the time. It's never

Speaker 1 going to get pissed off. You're never going to get upset about anything.
That's probably why you lost the tiger in the masters. Probably.
Yeah. Yeah.
So probably talking about it. Exactly why.
Yeah.

Speaker 1 We talked about that.

Speaker 1 Was that a crazy moment to have a guy who I assume, like, you know, how old are you now? 29. Okay, so yeah.
So we're about all the same age. You watched Tiger growing up.
He was probably your hero.

Speaker 1 And then the original big cat. Yeah, the original big cat.
And then you're boom, you're up against him in the Masters. Were you like intimidated at all?

Speaker 1 Was it a little bit of a, oh, shit, here comes Tiger in red on a Sunday? Not really. I already beat him once.
Beat him at the PGA. That's true.
So I had that going for me. Yeah.

Speaker 1 But I guess it was fun. I just hit a bad shot at a bad time.
Yeah.

Speaker 1 Nothing you can do. Put it in the water on 12.
Oh, you can't do it. Put it in the water.

Speaker 1 Damn. There was a rumor that you missed that last put on purpose so that he could win.
Yeah. I got asked that the other day.

Speaker 1 I was like, yeah, no, yeah, definitely. Pretty fair question.

Speaker 1 I'd love to throw out a couple million dollars and just, yeah, right down the drain.

Speaker 1 So we actually, we're going to get to some rules, some golf rules about how to make it golf more fun because I think you're on the record saying that it needs to be more fun. Yeah.
Right.

Speaker 1 So, but one of the

Speaker 1 pre-golf rule is when you hit it in the water, you can't use that club for the rest of the tournament. Ooh, that's good.
I like that. Yeah.
That would be be good. That would be good, right? Yeah.

Speaker 1 Like a little bit of risk. Yeah, a lot of guys would be down a lot of clubs.
Yes. And then it's like, especially me.
I hit in the water all the time. Here he comes.
He's got no five-iron.

Speaker 1 He's got no seven-iron. Like, what is he going to do? I like that.
Yeah.

Speaker 1 All right, we got more coming up. I heard a rumor that when you hit a really sick drive, just like split it, hit it 315 or whatever, you say to yourself, That's Gucci, bro.

Speaker 1 Oh, yeah, I did that once, yeah. And then

Speaker 1 somebody caught onto that, and I was like, all right. I forget who it was.
Somebody heard that. I guess it got got caught up in a boom mic.
Yeah, that's Gucci, bra. It's Gucci bra.
Yeah, no.

Speaker 1 That's pretty sick. Yeah.
You should start doing that again. Yeah, you definitely.
I'll do it this week. Okay, okay.
Yeah. Make sure everyone can see it.
Oh, yeah.

Speaker 1 Make it loud enough for the entire crowd here. Gucci, bra.
First tee. Do you know, when you come out, do you know if you have it that day or not?

Speaker 1 Or let me rephrase it. How many times do you come out? in a tournament you're like i got this this feels great or you have to fight it and like really struggle through it uh

Speaker 1 i'd say most days are a fight or a struggle I mean you know literally in the first five holes whether it's going to be your day or not.

Speaker 1 And then if it is your day, you just press and just aim at every flag and hope everything goes your way because usually your luck's in. If not, then

Speaker 1 good luck. Yeah.
Has there ever been a tournament that you've won where you came out and you were like, this is not my day. I'm just not feeling it.

Speaker 1 But you had to like scratch and claw just to kind of keep your head above water? Yeah, I think

Speaker 1 in Korea.

Speaker 1 This, what was it, this fall when I won? Got to number one. I felt like I didn't play that great.
Yeah, we watched that. We all watched that.
Yeah, the Korean tournament. Everybody was asleep.

Speaker 1 The Korean golf tournament at 2 a.m. Yes, exactly.
That was great.

Speaker 1 I don't even think that tournament happened. I think you just were looking for an answer to that question and you just made one up.

Speaker 1 Are you intimidated by the fact that the two guys like us that are huge sports fans, alpha guys, don't really care for golf? No.

Speaker 1 I mean, I'll be honest, I don't watch it. I don't watch it when I'm away from it.
When I'm away from calling, I like the majors. The majors are the same.

Speaker 1 Yeah, if I was going to watch anything, I'd watch Augusta and all the majors. But other than that, I'd much rather be watching basketball late night.

Speaker 1 Lakers fan? Yes. So LeBron fan.
You love LeBron.

Speaker 1 Kobe. Okay.
Yeah, we'll go with Kobe. I like Kobe.

Speaker 1 I like that you're like one of those Kobe guys. It's like, LeBron's not my hero.
Yeah, no. I'm a Kobe guy for no stuff.
What do you think the Lakers should do?

Speaker 1 Well, Kobe's getting his,

Speaker 1 or Kobe, LeBron is getting his coach, I guess. He's got Jason Kidd now to assist in.
So this will be interesting. Definitely interesting is a word that you can use for it.
I don't know.

Speaker 1 He's getting his way.

Speaker 1 Real question: What happened in the Ryder Cup this year? Which part? The loss or after? Getting just washed and then after.

Speaker 1 We just got beat. We sucked.
Yeah. Yeah, we just weren't any good.
Someone's going to lose. But what about the clubhouse after? Bad chemistry? No.
See, that got so blown out of proportion. Okay.

Speaker 1 I don't even know what happened there. We were all laughing.
We went in the European team room. It was me, Dustin, Paulina.
And we were just all hanging out. And we were going out.

Speaker 1 We were were going out to Paris after, and we were arguing over the cap because Dustin said he ordered a car.

Speaker 1 Car didn't show up.

Speaker 1 So we kept drinking, doing stuff. And I was like, finally trying to get him to go out.
And he wanted to stay. And I was like, let's go out in Paris.
Come on, man. I'm only here once.
Let's go. Right.

Speaker 1 And that's what the fight was about? Yeah. But, I mean, there was a couple F-bombs.
Fuck you. Let's go now.

Speaker 1 We're not going to hang. You guys are going to be honest.
I'm ready to go. I'm ready to party, man.
The fight was about how quickly to get to Paris. Yes.
Got it. Okay.

Speaker 1 interesting so it sounds like you guys were having a really good time after you lost the ryder cup

Speaker 1 really i mean after you lose what are you supposed to do drink your sorrows you're too chill of a guy yeah i mean when i lose it's like whatever man in 2016 you were basically the hero what was that like that was sweet that i mean that party's a lot better yeah that party's a lot better yeah when you win it's great right do you like that you like that atmosphere that you see at you know sometimes you get the u.s open like in chennecock last year and at the ryder cup when people are just like going nuts on the course, just cheering, being a little bit like reckless, a little louder than maybe some of the other events.

Speaker 1 I love it. That's why I love the waste management.
Yeah. Every tournament.
If you're going to go to one, that's what you got to go to. Yeah.
It's the best. So we need more cheering in golf.
Yes. Yeah.

Speaker 1 I love it.

Speaker 1 What kind of, do you have any Phil Mickelson? Have you hung out with him at all? He played with him. Yeah.
Yeah. A little bit of a Phil Nicholson.
Oh. The money games are quite fun.
Yeah. Interesting.

Speaker 1 I haven't played him in a long time. So he does money games on the side, like in the office.
Yeah, like on Tuesday. No, not the offseason, like during tournament weeks, like a major week.

Speaker 1 Like this week, you could go play Tuesday with Phil if you wanted to play for some cats. What does he play like for like how much per hole?

Speaker 1 Whatever you want, whatever you want.

Speaker 1 There's no problem. Just make sure you pay up.
Yeah, he's got the bankroll, so nobody's going to. Yeah.
You can wager him whatever you want, and he's going to say yes to it. Yeah.
Yeah.

Speaker 1 So you're getting ready for opening round on Thursday, Wednesday night. What is your...
Do you have a pattern that you do? Do you have, I guess.

Speaker 1 I just try to be in bed by like 10.30, but other than that, I got nothing.

Speaker 1 Yeah. It's just whatever, whatever.
I feel like falling asleep.

Speaker 1 What would you say that we could make fun of you most easily for besides the reality TV thing? The Thong Schmidt. The photos? Yes, the old.
Yeah. That was a good one.
Yeah, the Thong photo.

Speaker 1 How about the thong. I was trying so hard to be an Instagram model.
It just backfired so bad.

Speaker 1 What about your logo socks?

Speaker 1 Sorry. I'm getting a new one.
Yeah. Getting a new one.
Are you getting a new one? Good. Yeah.
See, there we go. We found one.
I saw it and I was like, what's this? It's just a B?

Speaker 1 And like, you got to... Yeah.
I got a new one coming coming soon. So what does the new one look like? I'll show you later.
Yeah.

Speaker 1 Show me one right now. I don't have it on me now.
I don't have my phone. Nobody.
All right. So you fixed the one thing that I could say.

Speaker 1 Yeah, we're getting a little better.

Speaker 1 You have a very South African-sounding name. I know.

Speaker 1 I want to hear you say it one time.

Speaker 1 It's so satisfying to say, Brux Kipke. Yeah.
It's way cool. You've heard it a thousand times.
I just want to hear it in person.

Speaker 1 You should be South African. There will be people who listen to this interview and be like, wait, what? He's not? Yeah.
That's true.

Speaker 1 No, it's South African.

Speaker 1 A lot of people, they were telling me that during the masters, when they were doing, you know, like a behind-the-scenes thing with you, or they were discussing you, they were shocked and they lost bets with their friends because they were hanging out.

Speaker 1 They're like, no, he's from South Africa.

Speaker 1 No, he's not.

Speaker 1 He's literally.

Speaker 1 It's actually funny. Yeah.
Bruce Kipka. Say it one time.
Bruce Kipka. Yeah.

Speaker 1 Yeah. It rolls on the side.
What's more difficult to do? Hit a shot from 150 yards with a little bit of English, roll it to within a couple feet of the pin at a normal U.S.

Speaker 1 course, or hit one at a Lynx course that lands 30 yards short of the green and runs up to within five feet? Great question. It is actually difficult.
Great question. I'm going to go Lynx.

Speaker 1 It's way harder. Yeah.
Once you get the ball on the ground, I can go anywhere. Have you ever won a British Open? Not yet.
Are you scared?

Speaker 1 No, very scared. Yeah, very scared.
Of Lynx Gall. Can you tell? Yeah.

Speaker 1 At what point in your career do you think you'll have all four majors?

Speaker 1 Guarantee it. Guarantee it? Yeah.

Speaker 1 I'm trying to figure out when the next time we play St. Andrews because I will win one at St.
Andrews. I know that.

Speaker 1 Okay. Put it down on the record.
So

Speaker 1 actually, let's bring this up. The Branlin

Speaker 1 Chambly guy. I don't even know his name.
Branlin Chambley. Sounds good.

Speaker 1 He just goes after you. He's relentless.
Oh, yeah. He went after you for your diet.
He's a golf writer, I guess.

Speaker 1 And he also said that Tiger's back, and the only two guys that can beat him are Dustin and Rory.

Speaker 1 Just completely forgetting about the fact that you've won like three of the last whatever, eight majors or whatever it may be. So, what do you say to him? Haters like him.

Speaker 1 Guy's a mush, man. That's all I can say.

Speaker 1 I don't know what else to say.

Speaker 1 Do you think he's got something out for you?

Speaker 1 It feels that way. I don't know.
Yeah. I guess so.
He must have. Has he ever tried to interview you and you've just like stood him up?

Speaker 1 No, I've actually tried to go on set with him, but he keeps turning me down. Really? Yeah.

Speaker 1 He must think you're South African. Yeah, he must.
That's what he's got against me. He's still got a

Speaker 1 whole apartheid thing. He's like, I can't have that content on my show.
He's also, listen, hey, look, Brandlin Chambly, I don't like your name because it's hard to say. Exactly.
You can't do the,

Speaker 1 it might be harder to say than mine. Yeah, you can't do the E-ending, E-ending.
Yeah. It's like, did I screw this up? Brandlyn Chambly?

Speaker 1 I think you might be coming on a little too strong, though. Like, the fact that you're reaching out to him multiple times.
No, no, I only reached out to him. Hey, can I come on your show?

Speaker 1 You only reach out once.

Speaker 1 You can only do it if Brandle does it. Don't invite yourself onto another man's project.
Okay, Brandle, sorry. Writing that's Brandle.

Speaker 1 Maybe just say, I don't want to go on your show anymore and see if he'll come crawling to you.

Speaker 1 Like, if you love something, set it free. If it returns, it was meant to be.
True. I learned that.
We'll have him on part of my table.

Speaker 1 I love him. We will.
I love you. That's how we do it.
I read that you beat your dad in a club championship when you were 13 years old. We were really bringing Bob into this.
Ooh.

Speaker 1 Did he already hate you before that? Yeah, he already did.

Speaker 1 You're not his favorite child.

Speaker 1 That's kind of impressive. My brother, yeah.
Yeah. No, you had to.
I think I won like a a parking space and he was all pissed off. He didn't grab his car in there and he went, yeah.
You did 14.

Speaker 1 I didn't have a license. So what are they going to do? Put a bike rack?

Speaker 1 That's crazy to me.

Speaker 1 How many other people did you beat that day? I don't know. Maybe there's 10, 12.
I don't know. It wasn't that many.
They must have all hated you.

Speaker 1 I'm sure they did. So you got into golf right now.
Big shows up.

Speaker 1 You got into golf because you broke your nose when you were 10, right? Yeah. So how's the story go?

Speaker 1 So I was in a car accident, and for whatever reason, the lady that was driving the nanny, whatever, whatever, ran the red light, just going 45, 50, T-bone this lady.

Speaker 1 My brother was in the back seat.

Speaker 1 I was in the front and drilled my face against the dashboard. It was pretty good.
Pretty much broke everything in my face.

Speaker 1 So that wasn't good.

Speaker 1 And then just couldn't play contact sports for a little bit, for like a whole year. And I was like, all right, I'm done with hockey.
I'm going to take golf seriously. Keep playing baseball.

Speaker 1 And then when I figured out I wasn't good at baseball, I just kept playing golf. So have you given that nanny like any of your like a commission off any of these big checks? I probably should.

Speaker 1 You absolutely probably should. I actually don't even know.
I haven't talked to her in maybe what, 20 years? It's interesting. We need to do it.
E60. Like you give it back.

Speaker 1 You're like, hey, paying it forward. Yeah.
Thanks for being such a shitty driver. You made me a champion.
Exactly. She's probably got a little bit of residual guilt from that accident.

Speaker 1 She was driving a car and got the two kids that she was supposed to be looking after injured.

Speaker 1 She might not even know to this day what she does.

Speaker 1 Like the spin that she, like the tiny little effect, the butterfly effect she had in that intersection ended up changing people's lives for the better. Never looked at it that way.

Speaker 1 She would like to hear from them.

Speaker 1 Did your parents fire her?

Speaker 1 I think so.

Speaker 1 I want to say so, yeah.

Speaker 1 Little did they know what was going to happen. This is a good lesson for all of us.
Never fire anybody for doing something incompetent because it might have been really good 20 years ago.

Speaker 1 Yes, exactly. Yes.

Speaker 1 Were you mad that Tiger looking at your girlfriend became a meme? Yeah, you guys put on a shirt, didn't you? I think so.

Speaker 1 Shit, I didn't know for the residuals on that one. That sounds like something.

Speaker 1 What was going through your head after that? I mean, it was,

Speaker 1 it sucks because social media, the way it works, like, if you just look, like, the perfect example is you can pause TV, right?

Speaker 1 PJ Tucker throwing his warm-ups on the ball boy, and everyone flipped out. It's like, dude, they have a running joke.
We just took something out of context.

Speaker 1 But that was a hell of a out-of-context. It was quite funny.
Yeah, it was quite funny. Okay.
I think she was a little pissed off about it because she's big fans, fans, but

Speaker 1 it's all good. It's alright.

Speaker 1 I thought it was funny. Yeah, that's on us.
Are you a big Rick Riley fan?

Speaker 1 Not really. Okay.
Well, I've taken the liberty of pulling some quotes from an article that he wrote about you last year. So Rick Riley has a way with words.
He is so good at description.

Speaker 1 He makes Jane Austen look like a 10-year-old with a head injury. So this is what he said about you.

Speaker 1 He said, no matter how many trophies he stuffs in his car truck, people look at Brooks Kepka and think, hey, is that the guy who moved my piano?

Speaker 1 Have you ever moved a piano? Yeah. No.

Speaker 1 Is it something that you think you've ever been mistaken for? Maybe. A piano mover? Yeah, maybe.
Some guy on the street. Okay, here's another one.

Speaker 1 Thick as a vault door, Kepka looks like the guy who comes to repo your boat.

Speaker 1 It's pretty good, right? That is pretty good. Did you ever think about that? Being a repo man?

Speaker 1 Yeah. Yeah, I watched that repo show.
There was a repo show.

Speaker 1 When you found out, did you...

Speaker 1 Don't do it.

Speaker 1 What are we about to say? He's going to ruin.

Speaker 1 He's all staged. Yeah, I know.

Speaker 1 But if I found out it fucking ruined it. No, I know.
It ruined it for a little bit.

Speaker 1 Oh, my God.

Speaker 1 But it was still awesome to watch. Yeah, but at the time, I was thinking it was real, and then you get back to it.
Me too.

Speaker 1 Someone broke it to me. I was like, okay, well, there goes the last three years of my life.
Yeah, exactly.

Speaker 1 That and the lizard licked towing show. Yeah.
Basically the same thing. It's just people taking other people's shit.
You can't deal when that happens. People break those things to me.

Speaker 1 One last one here from old Rick.

Speaker 1 His chest is like a beer keg and his arms like church organ pipes.

Speaker 1 Does that describe you, do you think? Sure. Okay.

Speaker 1 I don't even know what church organ pipes are.

Speaker 1 I really don't even know what to press on. I think the whole premise of this is that Rick Riley thinks you're hot.
Yeah, you are hot. So I think that's what I'm saying.

Speaker 1 That's a big fault of yours, is that Rick Riley loves you. Do you think there's some residual hate on the tour because you are good looking?

Speaker 1 Absolutely. Like I said, it's...
No, it is. Because

Speaker 1 when uh jordan speed takes off his hat you're like ha that bald guy who cares like when tiger does it you're like oh that's fine phil's just the average man's got some tits like you come out there looking awesome got your muscles pumping and all this shit it's too much yeah you need to tone it back shave some male pattern baldness i know i know

Speaker 1 do something with it you don't have the the sick golfer's forehand tit forehead tan either the one that's just like a no

Speaker 1 you see the one that like stewart

Speaker 1 yeah that's the famous one. Is that why you grow those weird bangs to cover that up? Oh, there you go.
Got him.

Speaker 1 Yeah, you know what? Your bangs? That's exactly what. Your bangs are pissing me off.
Hey, Brooks, 2004 Alabama high school football called. They want their fucking hairstyle back, dude.

Speaker 1 You do have the Bama Swoop for an hour. I do.
I do. I know.
I'm getting it cut tomorrow. Guys, coming tomorrow.
Well, now you're going to have the whole damn thing. Yeah, he's coming.
He's coming.

Speaker 1 He's coming tomorrow. Wow.
Damn. So I'll be fresh.
What did you mean when you said I don't eat steaks in the States?

Speaker 1 So

Speaker 1 I knew this was gonna be brought up so there's this place in japan we go to every year we've been there and it's this miyazaki beef okay and it is the best steak ever i've got a bunch of it at my house they shipped it over after i won literally i could eat 20 some ounces of it i mean we racked up a nice bill every night it's like

Speaker 1 500 bucks for like a couple people like two ounces damn it is unbelievable and it's just ruined it so you can't eat your normal steak yeah i just don't eat steak that much over there i mean I literally pig out for a week.

Speaker 1 I probably gain

Speaker 1 shipped back. What's up? How much do you get shipped back? Oh, they ship.
I don't know. They shipped a whole cow.
Damn. Like, literally, a whole cow showed up in my house.

Speaker 1 I had to have someone come butcher the thing.

Speaker 1 Wait, it was alive when it got to your house? No, no, it was all dead. It was just all packaged up and literally like the carcass of it.

Speaker 1 And the guy had to cut, we had to bring it to like Publix or something to chop it up.

Speaker 1 That's so funny that you get the most expensive cow in the world shipped to your front door. Yeah, there's like a cup of cups.
And then you have to take it down the street to Publix. Yeah.

Speaker 1 In between them, making like a mac and cheese sub for somebody.

Speaker 1 Public subs are good. Yeah, they are.

Speaker 1 You're Florida trash. We know that.

Speaker 1 Everyone loves Publix.

Speaker 1 Their chicken sugar sub is very good. But literally, like, somebody massages this cow for years and drinks beer.
I think I've heard of something like that.

Speaker 1 It's a little excessive, but I guess that ruins like your usual, you know, like little New York stripping Applebee's. Yeah.
Yeah. It can't ruin my taste for Applebee's chilly.
All these outback.

Speaker 1 Can't do that anymore.

Speaker 1 I also heard that you love to watch us lose gambling. Yes.
Nothing better than getting your heart ripped out. You're such a jerk.

Speaker 1 So when we live stream and we're just dying, you're watching laughing at us. Yes.
Literally dying. I mean, it's always a sweat, isn't it? Oh, my God.
There's nothing worse.

Speaker 1 That's why you got to watch. You end up watching all the West Coast games.
I know more about all the West Coast games. Yeah.
Oh, yeah. All those games.

Speaker 1 Because you're up till really late watching them. Yes.
Making a sweat.

Speaker 1 Literally getting your heart ripped out. It's great.
Yeah. Where do you live in Florida? In Jupiter.
Yeah. Oh, interesting.

Speaker 1 Interesting. Huh.
Yeah. Just like everybody else.
No, it's not. Oh, no, not everyone.
Not everyone. I'm thinking about one guy.
I know a few people. Yeah.

Speaker 1 I'm just going to write that down. Okay.
Going to start it. Write it down.
We're talking a lot about a cow that got massaged. I actually already wrote it down.
I sent you that one up. Okay.
Jupiter.

Speaker 1 Yeah, I had the same question. You want to see? Okay.

Speaker 1 Yeah, it says right here, Jupiter interesting. Yes, that's it.
It's right there.

Speaker 1 You can double-check check that. Jupiter.

Speaker 1 How nervous do you get for real, though, like at the end of a tournament

Speaker 1 when you know that it's crunch time? Are you just the same guy? Yeah. What's the point in getting nervous? I can't.
I don't know what to do. Because what are you supposed to do, though?

Speaker 1 Like, that's where you want to be, right? Yeah. What's the point of getting nervous? Yeah.
Pay attention to watching. Yeah.

Speaker 1 If I'm gambling, I'd be. sweating everything.
Right. Literally.
But you're not going to control. You are gambling, though.
You're gambling.

Speaker 1 Every single putt is worth hundreds of thousands of dollars at some point. Right.
Yeah. I mean, I never thought about it that way.
Every place. Wow, what if we just ruined my career? Every shot, yeah.

Speaker 1 Yeah, you just ruined my career. Every shot I dropped now.
I'm just thinking about millions of dollars going down the tubes. That never goes through your mind? No.

Speaker 1 Like, if you think about it, fourth to seventh, that's like, you know, $300,000.

Speaker 1 I've lost a shit ton of money that

Speaker 1 on

Speaker 1 late putts. Yeah.
You're like, fuck it. I just want to go.
Yeah, that'd be a cool pass. I've never thought about that, but

Speaker 1 there's a lot of money out there. Yeah,

Speaker 1 you just found my weakness right now. He's like, oh shit, I forgot that.
I'm rooting for money to win these tournaments.

Speaker 1 I'm also rooting for pft to have broken you are you serious when you say that you think tiger woods coming back is really good for for you personally yeah absolutely it's good for everybody aren't you're not scared no i mean we're not fighting yeah he's not about to knock my brains out you're not be scared if we just you know squared if he squared up and i wasn't ready i so i i not joking for a second i i agree that if i was a golfer on the pga tour i'd be excited because you know one he's a guy that i looked up to growing up it's cool to play against a guy compete against a guy like that.

Speaker 1 But I also think that after a couple years, if Tiger is able to remain back for this long, you're going to be like, God damn it. You know, all anybody talks about is Tiger Woods, and he keeps winning.

Speaker 1 And then it's a bunch of us as also Rands finishing behind him. At that point, you have to admit, you'd be pissed off, wouldn't you? Yeah, a little bit.
Yeah.

Speaker 1 I mean, you want him to be good, just not that good. You know what I mean?

Speaker 1 Yeah, not winning everything, but

Speaker 1 just be back.

Speaker 1 It is, I mean, it's crazy how good, in Tiger's absence, how many young, good players there are yeah i feel like that's maybe why you don't get as much love is because you came about just after that like ricky jordan speed dustin johnson phase yeah and then you emerged in 2017 although you won the ryder cup the year before correct yeah but i think maybe that's that's why people yeah you're saying that's why the brandle chamblies brandly chamblese whatever his name is of the world are hating you yeah that's exactly what it is

Speaker 1 crack the code um let's do fixing golf so why do you think golf, like, what do you think golf needs to improve on to get better? Like, in terms of

Speaker 1 five and a half hours. I mean, how bad is that? Nobody wants to spend five and a half hours out there.
Yeah. I mean, unless you're like getting away from your wife or like trying to get away.
Right.

Speaker 1 You know, that'd be great. But other than that.
So, how do you speed up the game?

Speaker 1 Literally, I would just make it like 15 holes, 14 holes. I like that a lot.

Speaker 1 I like that.

Speaker 1 Because then you get to go in the 19th hole a little bit quicker. Yes.
And I always get to like 11 and I'm like, this is. It gets boring from like hole five to 12.

Speaker 1 You're just like, where am I right now? You are bored during a tournament? Yeah. Five through 12? Yeah.
I literally can't tell you what, like, what happened during those holes.

Speaker 1 You kind of like black out. You're like, oh,

Speaker 1 everything's repetitive. It's true, though, because when you golf, there is like the first three holes where you're like, okay, I feel good today.

Speaker 1 And then, like, right around 14, you're like, all right, I got a few left. Yeah, exactly.
And then anything in between, it's just whatever. Can I get a hot dog after nine? Yeah, exactly.

Speaker 1 He's just looking

Speaker 1 at everybody getting drunk. What about using a cart?

Speaker 1 I'd love to use a cart. How great would that be? That would be sick having people driving cars.
Dale's using a cart this week. Did you see that? How awesome is that? Yeah, that is pretty.

Speaker 1 He's just commandeered the beer cart. Yeah.

Speaker 1 You just kicked the girl out of here. So what can they do to make it better for the audience?

Speaker 1 What was your exact quote? That golf is not fun enough or

Speaker 1 golf fun.

Speaker 1 Golf sucks. Yeah.

Speaker 1 According to me. Yeah.
It's just like, how unathletic do we look when we're dropping from our knees? Have you seen that?

Speaker 1 Oh, yeah.

Speaker 1 When you hit one out of bounds? Yeah, when you're dropping from your knees, you look unathletic. It's just, yeah, it's just a bad look.
Okay. Why do you guys wear cleats? I don't wear the spikes.

Speaker 1 Like, I have, like, the soft spikes. You're talking about the metal ones? Yeah.
Yeah, guys wear the metal ones. I have no idea why.
Yeah.

Speaker 1 I think it's just to hear like the click-clack when they're walking over concrete. I think it's to make them feel like athletes.
It's like I got to put on my special athletic shoes to go play golf.

Speaker 1 No, you don't. I mean, I don't think you're far off there at all.
Yeah. All right.
Well, here's one of my ideas. You know what a cannonball is?

Speaker 1 It's when you smoke J, and then you inhale, and then you chug a beer, and then you exhale after you chug the beer. Do that before every hole.
That'd be great television.

Speaker 1 Great television. I have one that's pretty similar.
Only maybe more doable.

Speaker 1 I don't want to poo-poo your idea. I think it's great.

Speaker 1 But every time you make a birdie, you have to shotgun a beer. That works too.
Another great idea for TV. I love that.
By far. It's like naturally

Speaker 1 who lasts the longest there. It's like when you you race somebody in Mario Kart, if they're like super far ahead of you, the computer slows them down to make it more competitive.

Speaker 1 This way, the people that are tearing up the scoreboard, they get drunker by the end of the round, so you have an opportunity to catch them.

Speaker 1 So what you're saying is I'd have to practice a lot at home. Yeah.
Yes. Yes.
What about every single guy has, so you have a caddy, but you also have a shot blocker.

Speaker 1 And he can stand around the green, and he can't. He can't grab the ball, so he can't catch the ball, but he can open-hand slap the ball.

Speaker 1 Just like the tiger scroop every time. What do you mean? Yeah, he's got like thousands of people.
Oh, he's got the backboard, yeah. So you can kind of hit in the stands.

Speaker 1 You're not really going to say anything because people are there. Yeah.
It goes right up. Tiger's already got that.
All right. How about everyone wears shorts? Great idea.

Speaker 1 I mean, you can see like the unathleticism in some of these guys when you're out there. I mean, it's quite, it's entertaining to look at sometimes.

Speaker 1 I mean, and everybody's legs are so white, too. Right.
It's like out of balance post. So we can now finally start making fun of you for something.
Yes.

Speaker 1 Old chicken legs, Kefka. Yeah, exactly.
No point in doing legs. Do you know? If we started wearing shorts, I might have to start doing legs.
Do you actually don't do leg day? No, I do leg day.

Speaker 1 It's just... Of course you do.
Yeah, I know. You're trying to be self-deprecating.
You're not good at self-deprecating.

Speaker 1 That's a flaw. How important are your hips?

Speaker 1 I guess, yeah, I guess they're important. Yeah.
Yep. That's a good answer.

Speaker 1 I've always

Speaker 1 in life. Yeah.
I've always wondered about golf announcers trying to discuss people's swings and what the problem with them is and where sometimes a swing goes wrong.

Speaker 1 I'm convinced that they just make up terms.

Speaker 1 And if you watch his hips release over the top a little bit slowly, it's like that doesn't make any sense. What you just said doesn't make sense.
Have you ever heard an announcer critique your swing?

Speaker 1 I've never heard anybody actually critique it. It'd be interesting, though.
I think, I don't know, they got a lot of hours of TV time they got to fill, so you might as well talk about something.

Speaker 1 Now, watch how your foot backs down. and comes out from underneath.
They'll just like make up shit off the top of their head. Yeah, I mean, I don't know.

Speaker 1 It's one of those things where I think you can kind of make up and be like, oh, this guy's swing isn't perfect. We'll just say this.
Right. All right.
Real question about your swing.

Speaker 1 I read that book on Tiger, and it seemed like every few years you just completely remake his swing. Like, go from scratch.
Have you done that? No.

Speaker 1 You just do. I literally have two swing thoughts, and that's it.
I just hit it and go. That's the thoughts? Yeah.
Hit it and go. Yeah.
Literally, just keep it short and swing it hard.

Speaker 1 I think that's it. I think what we found is we found the Blake Portals of Golf.
Yeah. Like,

Speaker 1 it's no highlight. It's interesting.
No, that's.

Speaker 1 You are a guy, a normal guy who plays golf really, really well. Yeah.
Blake is a normal guy who's an exceptional cornerback. Yeah.
Exactly. You're right.

Speaker 1 I like that. I like that comparison.
So when you're hitting a shot, obviously you have different shots in your bag. You hit a draw, you hit a fade, right? I'm guessing.
Yeah.

Speaker 1 You hit them both, yeah. I mean, I just try to stick to one because I know what I'm doing on one of them, but yeah.
But when you get up there and you're like, okay, which one's better for you?

Speaker 1 I fade it. Yeah, I hit it left or right.

Speaker 1 Okay, so when you get up there and you're trying to fade it, you just think, hit and go, or do you have to like tell yourself, do you have to walk yourself through the process and think, okay,

Speaker 1 there's no thought process. It's just like aim left and just swing hard and it'll come back to wherever you want it.
Your cat is just like aim at that thing and then you do that thing.

Speaker 1 Yeah, it'll just be like finish it there. Okay.
I'll try. I mean, they're going to be.

Speaker 1 One of two things is going to happen. It's either going to end up there or it's not.
Right. It's either going to be really good or bad.

Speaker 1 So, I mean, yeah, I'm just starting because I feel like maybe we we haven't interviewed enough golfers, but they have like all these technical like, oh, this is what I'm trying to do on this shot, but you're just like, I'm just up there just bashing.

Speaker 1 What's the point of thinking of something else? I think I figured you out. I think you just, you don't like golf very much.

Speaker 1 And so you're always just like, I want to get the fuck off this course in the least amount of time possible. So I'm just going to take, I'm going to take a very few amount of strokes and get home.

Speaker 1 Yeah, exactly. That's a good way to put it.
Yeah.

Speaker 1 Sometimes win the tournament. Yeah.
Yeah. Occasionally.
Yeah, then you have to stick around and collect a check. It's a whole big thing.
Yeah. Yeah, that's probably a pain in the ass.
What?

Speaker 1 You just want to get to the bar. You want to get to Paris.
What's your go-to

Speaker 1 get the ball out of the cup? Do you go one leg or do you go like I don't know? I never actually thought about it.

Speaker 1 And then I think I go same arm, same leg. I think it looks really

Speaker 1 awkward when guys like they're stand on their left leg and pick it out of like the right arm or something. Here's something to make golf fun.

Speaker 1 You get on all fours and you just crawl up to it like a dog and then you pick it out and you go, hey, look at that. Boom.
You could do that. Every single time.
This crazy thing.

Speaker 1 Yeah, and people are like, Brooks Kefka, you really leaving it all out on the field because you got grass stains all over your legs. And that would be a good idea.

Speaker 1 It could be a new look. Yes.

Speaker 1 Don't come home with a clean uniform on.

Speaker 1 That will get people talking. I'm just trying to get people talking about golf some more.
I hear you. Yeah.

Speaker 1 Just go up like a dog and lift your leg on the pin. Just pretend to take a leak on it.

Speaker 1 That'd be cool, too.

Speaker 1 I have one suggestion here for making golf cool. Walk up music for all your shots.
Yeah, they're doing that at one of them. Yeah, I do.
Really? Yeah, I just have the one in New Orleans. They do it.

Speaker 1 That's good. Yes, I like that.
I think they should have a golf song, babe.

Speaker 1 Right now?

Speaker 1 Be something amigos. Pure water, maybe? Yeah.
Okay. That's not a great title for a golf shot.
Yeah. Yeah.
That's true. I didn't think about that.
Yeah. You live in the water.

Speaker 1 Probably some more thought. Yeah.

Speaker 1 All right. Yeah.
I mean, you do live in the water from that Masters 12th hole. Yeah.
People remember.

Speaker 1 My last make golf fun is whoever you're playing with, if they can fart, fart, they're allowed to fart in your backswing.

Speaker 1 I think that happens probably more than you think. Really? Yes.
Have you never heard any like the hot mics or anything like that? Do you guys do it on purpose?

Speaker 1 I don't know if in the middle of the swing, but you'd be over it and you can hear something go and you're like, oh, boy.

Speaker 1 I'm talking like you can, like, now we have guys.

Speaker 1 deliberately eating chili the night before just so they can mess with the guy they're playing with you could be a lot less white pants on the golf course thank you adds a whole element like basically makes golf like you know the regular schmucks that are going out there.

Speaker 1 Yeah. You know, it's a telephone.
Relatable. Very relatable.
Exactly like that. Relatable.
And then start drinking. Everyone should be able to drink during it.

Speaker 1 And then that way, if you start sucking, you can just blame the fact that you drank too much. That's what I did.
You get bloated, yeah. Right.
I'm just like, I can't swing anymore. I'm too drunk.

Speaker 1 I'm done. I'll sit in the cart.
Yeah. Because we get carts now.
Right. Shame everyone else for not drinking enough.
Yeah. What did you mean when you said if you can fart, then fart.

Speaker 1 Well, sometimes you don't have a fart. Oh, if you don't have a fart.
Yeah, right.

Speaker 1 Right. You can't do like.
Yeah. Yeah.
You either push it out or it sneaks out. Exactly.
Okay.

Speaker 1 I like that too because then you add in the smell element. Smell and hold.

Speaker 1 You'll know exactly which way the wind's going.

Speaker 1 It's an advantage. Right.
It could be an advantage. You know which way the wind's going.
And the element of, like, when do you use it?

Speaker 1 Because if you use it every single hole, the guy's going to get used to it. Do you save it up for the 18th hole? Do you save it up for, you know, a shot when he's.

Speaker 1 There's actually more pressure on when you would fart. Right.
Yeah, the timing of it. Now the mental game gets a little cumbersome on everyone's brain.
Gamesmanship. I love it.

Speaker 1 What's your favorite hold?

Speaker 1 Hold? Oh, great question.

Speaker 1 be careful yeah i'll tell you how

Speaker 1 i was thinking about that uh

Speaker 1 oh i think number two

Speaker 1 yeah no seriously what's your favorite hole uh

Speaker 1 i don't know uh

Speaker 1 it's definitely not 12 at augusta yeah but you got to you got to get back on that horse yeah i know i'm waiting for next year how much is there like to learn kind of a technical question here like is that you just leave that to your caddy or is there a lot that you have to learn about the course too i'll just let my caddy do his thing.

Speaker 1 He'll figure out where the lines are, where the best place to leave it. So, when I get there, all I got to figure out is where the pin locations are.

Speaker 1 So, once I know where to, he knows where the ball should be, where it should end up off the tee. And then from there, I take care of the rest.

Speaker 1 You just got to hit it and you go home. Yeah, you make it seem so simple.
Yeah,

Speaker 1 you don't get it. We make it.
It's either going to be good or bad, it's one to two.

Speaker 1 All right, my last question. I got the SeatGeek question: promo code take.

Speaker 1 Put in promo code take, you get $10 off your SeatGeek purchase. I think you go to Beth Page Black this weekend.

Speaker 1 So you're a Lakers fan, a Packers fan, Florida State football.

Speaker 1 What is your number one team you want to see them win a championship that you root for, like watch every game? Ooh, that's actually really good.

Speaker 1 It's a SeatKeek question.

Speaker 1 Yeah, I mean, Florida State looks like they're not going to win one for a very long time. So that's out of the question.
You can drop them. Lakers.

Speaker 1 It's going to be wild.

Speaker 1 If Kobe was on the team, yes. If Kobe was on the team, absolutely.
But He still could come back.

Speaker 1 Yeah, he could come back. He could.
All that talk.

Speaker 1 Do you play any other sports? No. I mean, not really.
You just go. It's hard when you're in the business.
You play softball every once in a while. I've gone out and played softball, yeah.
Okay.

Speaker 1 Do you hit dingers? Try to.

Speaker 1 You might as well. My question was, do you hit dingers? Tick stick the long ball.
Yeah. Do you hit dingers? Yes.
It doesn't sound like it's many now that you lost all that weight, though. I know.

Speaker 1 Yeah. See, you couldn't hit home runs.

Speaker 1 Sucks. I gained that power base back.
I know. What do you eat when you try to regain all that that weight now that you're all skin and bones? I was on like a good five guys diet, pizza.

Speaker 1 I was dying for that for like four months. That's all I wanted.
Why did you do it? I still don't understand. You actually did it just for the pictures? Yeah.
I just, yeah. Why not?

Speaker 1 Why would you? You didn't want to look hot in the picture. Yeah, you were trying to look hot with just Rick Riley thinking you were super hot.
You wanted like normal women to think that you were hot?

Speaker 1 Might as well give it a shot, no? Everyone in the world thinks you're hot.

Speaker 1 Don't hog it off. Yeah.
Yeah. yeah except the rest of us i'd rather just have rick riley and nobody else yes for me it's like just be the people of

Speaker 1 yeah at that point you've made it yeah um all right well this has been awesome yeah i'm looking forward to hearing a uh that's gucci brah yes and do you have to say brah loud brah yeah no yeah no it's always been a brah yeah oh we did have one last thing uh you went on a double date with our boss oh yes heard that you were kind of a wet blanket okay hold on so my question is to you what would you consider a double date?

Speaker 1 One of you is

Speaker 1 no, I think a double date is two couples. Yeah, I think one of you has to.
Yeah, wait. It's just two couples.
Was it two couples or was it two?

Speaker 1 That's my point. It was never a double date.
Okay.

Speaker 1 Because there was like six, seven, eight people there. Oh.
So I wouldn't consider that a double date. No, no, that's a group date.
Yeah, I mean, I could have been a wet blanket. I don't know.
Right.

Speaker 1 That's just a bunch of people hanging out. Yeah, I think we just went to the bar to meet him.
Whereas also before you won anything, so I was like, nobody nobody or nobody. Yeah, exactly.

Speaker 1 Yeah, that's how he operated. Also, Dave would be the worst person of all time to go on a double date with.

Speaker 1 That's awful. He would just talk about himself.
But in his defense, were you a wet blanket that night? I probably was. I don't remember.
I don't really remember that. That's part of it.

Speaker 1 So there's a good chance I was. So you're blacked out.
Yeah. But I didn't think we were on a double date.
Okay. For the record.
That's fair.

Speaker 1 Well, this has been our interview with Brooks Kepka, the coolest guy on the tour.

Speaker 1 The Blake Border was a good job. Good job, GA tour.
I like that. I love that.
All right. I hope, like, when we stop recording, he goes and kicks a puppy or something.
Yeah. What the fuck? This guy.

Speaker 1 What a day. This guy.
I love it. All right.
Thanks, bro. Yeah.
Thanks, boys.

Speaker 1 Hey, it's PFT here, reminding you that Boarshead makes game day entertaining elevated and effortless.

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Speaker 1 My favorites like oven gold turkey or blazing buffalo style chicken paired with their classic Vermont cheddar or creamy Munster cheese, are sure to score big and help me elevate my entertainment every time, whether it's for a tailgate or a home gating celebration.

Speaker 1 Seriously, guys, it's a game-changing flavor for every gathering. Boarshead, committed to craft since 1905.

Speaker 1 Pardon. The interview was also.

Speaker 1 So, y'all know that we're big fans of Cracker Barrel. And this holiday season, I will be sat at their table with a big plate of country-fried turkey.

Speaker 2 And Brandon, I'll be right there with you, and I'll check it off my Christmas list in the country store while I'm at it. It'll make a nice holiday tradition.

Speaker 1 Oh, that's so cute of you.

Speaker 2 Enjoy all the more holiday traditions only at Cracker Barrel.

Speaker 1 Okay, let's get to some segments. Before we do that, just a reminder.
Anna Kendrick follows me on Twitter. Nope.
Grit Week,

Speaker 1 SoCal. Look, I mean, you can be jealous.
It's funny. It was a funny joke.
Yeah, no, it can be. It's fine.
You're jealous. It's fine.
That's fine. Yeah, she follows me on Twitter.

Speaker 1 She probably loves my fire tweets. She'd probably love that Kevin White joke I just threw out there.

Speaker 1 We have Grit Week, Southern California, coming up next week. We're going to be out out there.
We're going to be interviewing people.

Speaker 1 If you have someone that you think would be great on the show, hit us up.

Speaker 1 We should also mention that we will not be interviewing Bill Walton this time. He has gotten back to us and he said, thank you guys for your kindness and my life.
You guys are amazing.

Speaker 1 You have an incredible audience. I still get more positive and interesting comments, feedback from your show than from almost any other thing I have ever done in my life.

Speaker 1 Please, I am sadly ricocheting through the universe on the business road through Memorial Day. Hopefully next time you're back through the promised land.

Speaker 1 Shine on, dream on, build on, carry on, Bill Walton. Shine on

Speaker 1 the van. Carry it on.
Just put that quote on the side of the van.

Speaker 1 The best part is that please, I'm sadly ricocheting through the universe on the business road.

Speaker 1 That means he's just biking into Arizona and smoking peyote for three weeks. He's so mad that he has to do like a Verizon commercial.

Speaker 1 Oh man.

Speaker 1 We're going to miss you, Bill. We are.
We are. And there's there's still probably like a 5% chance we somehow get you.

Speaker 1 Well, if we drive down to Tijuana, there's probably a 50% chance that we run into it. We just,

Speaker 1 when we get in our bus, which is an old rickety bus, he will definitely see it and be like, you old souls, you.

Speaker 1 Oh, he's going to like. If he knew the type of van that we were getting at there, you should.
Yes. All right.
We'll hit him up. All right.
Yeah, you're right. You're right.

Speaker 1 That's a good point. Send him a picture of the van.
Yeah. Be like, hey, you like this? Yeah.
And he's going to nut. He's like, what? You didn't tell me that.
I actually have no business.

Speaker 1 Bachelorette talk for guys who don't watch The Bachelorette, except for Hank, who watches it every single week.

Speaker 1 It was on last night. I walked in, and my girlfriend was watching, and it was.
Oh, really? It's tough to watch. It's such a, it's tough.
It's tough. Yeah, you see it.

Speaker 1 Anyway, when you're firing off tweaks left and right about it. Hannah B, who I'm sure you guys remember from last season.
Of course. Super annoying.

Speaker 1 She sent the guy home because he had another girlfriend at home that he ended things. Is this the first episode? Yeah.
So it's just the introductions to the guys. And boom, the guy's gone.

Speaker 1 So she sent him home because he broke up with a girl to meet her. It came out that he had a girlfriend that he was talking to on Monday.
Ah. And then she was like, Do you have a girlfriend?

Speaker 1 He's like, Yeah, but I broke up with her on Monday. I'm here for you.
And she was like, Well,

Speaker 1 you know, we're looking for like an engagement. I don't think you're that committed if you just broke up with your girlfriend Monday.

Speaker 1 Actually, Spinzone, he's probably the most committed. Now, do they ask the guys if they're war criminals? No, I don't think so.

Speaker 1 That would be something just whether you fucked your girlfriend in the last year. Bashar al-Assad turns up on The Bachelorette.
Yeah, he's like, What? Have you ever mustard gassed anyway?

Speaker 1 Yeah, but then he gets kicked off.

Speaker 1 There are conflicting reports. Yeah, he gets kicked off because he actually is still in love with his ex.
But then she spent

Speaker 1 a good hour and a half crying over that guy being so like, you know, she lost trust in him. And so the other guys are mad because they lost all the one-on-one time with her.
Oh, no.

Speaker 1 There's a guy whose name is John Paul Jones who only wants to be referred to as John Paul Jones

Speaker 1 listed under John Paul Jones. Yeah, yeah, he's either the bass player for Led Zeppelin or he is a colonial ship captain.
I have not yet begun to fight.

Speaker 1 And then Matteo has 114 kids because that's how many times he's donated sperm. That's a hilarious joke by Matteo.
That's a hell of a ratio, too.

Speaker 1 He's firing bullets. Wait, he hasn't missed at all? Oh, I thought he was talking about

Speaker 1 jerking off or like

Speaker 1 pulling out. He's talking about he actually donated sperm?

Speaker 1 Mateo.

Speaker 1 What is Matteo?

Speaker 1 He must have great genes. He's just giving it out there.
That's going to be be sad. Well, they'll take anybody's sperm these days.
You think so? Yeah. I don't know.

Speaker 1 Guys are just more protective of our sperm than we have been in the past. Someone should make a movie about a guy that has to go meet all his sperm donor kids.

Speaker 1 Are you saying, or why are you looking at us? I'm just kidding. There's a Vince Vaughan movie out.
Oh.

Speaker 1 I was like, is there something PFT hasn't told me? He's got 1,700 kids running around. I don't know.
I mean, it's a possibility. I looked into donating sperm when I was in college.

Speaker 1 I was a blood plasma guy myself. I did to get the gambling debts paid off.
I did that. It was about like $20 a pop.
Sperm was more expensive. Sperm was a hefty $50 price debt.

Speaker 1 But it's kind of a fucked up thing. It'll be like delivery.
It's like a kid somewhere.

Speaker 1 Delivery man. I felt dirty because it was like I was prostituting myself to myself.
Right. I was paying myself $50 to jerk myself off.
Right. It takes the love out of masturbation.
Exactly.

Speaker 1 I don't want

Speaker 1 number one love for every kid. Yes.

Speaker 1 Is that it?

Speaker 1 So what would you say, Hank? What would you grade the first episode?

Speaker 1 I'm not a Hannah B fan whatsoever. So I would grade it like a C.
Okay. The season's going to be tough.

Speaker 1 Are there any like quasi-selections? If you're the bachelorette and you cry over the first guy, it's like you're the bachelorette. You have 30 guys.

Speaker 1 One guy fucks you over. You're supposed to kick him to the curb and move on.
And she was like crying as if she was on the bachelor still. Okay, so are there any

Speaker 1 of those things? Are there any like former

Speaker 1 former collegiate athletes or random internet celebrities or anything like that that are in this cast?

Speaker 1 Any virgins?

Speaker 1 No, these are just the notes I got. I literally watched it for like 10 minutes.
Oh, okay. Okay.
Got it. Thanks, Hank.
Thanks.

Speaker 1 All right, we have Locker Room Talk, PFT Williams. See, there, I mean, you get mad at me for watching the show, and then I say, I don't watch the show, and then I read the notes.

Speaker 1 No, we just watched it. That's fine.
Live your truth. You walked us through it.
That's fine. Live your best life.
Hank, I thought that was great.

Speaker 1 Be your inner hand or bee.

Speaker 1 Hannah B. Hannah B.
Hannah B. She went to Alabama.
She says roll tide. Like every that.
There was probably 10,000 roll tides. Oh, so she actually does want to get married.
Yeah. Yeah.

Speaker 1 Okay. Locker room talk.

Speaker 1 Some Navy pilots. This was a while ago, but the transcripts have just come out.
Some Navy pilots got in hot water because they drew a big skydick in the air. They used, you know, the.
Is that bad?

Speaker 1 No, well, apparently it is to some people, but the transcript came out, and it is pretty fucking funny. So here it is.
I'm going to try to do pilot voice for it. Where's pilot voice?

Speaker 1 We got Bogey coming in on the six.

Speaker 1 PFG. Come in, PFG.
Here we go.

Speaker 1 You should totally try to draw a penis.

Speaker 1 Over.

Speaker 1 I could definitely draw one. That'd be easy.
I could basically draw a figure eight and turn around and come back.

Speaker 1 I'm gonna go down and grab some speed and hopefully get out of the contrail there so they're not connected to the side. Now you're doing your ASMR voice.

Speaker 1 Get a little gruffer. Dude, that dude, don't

Speaker 1 PFT, you sound like you're you're trying to get someone to jerk off to your voice.

Speaker 1 Dude, that'd be so funny. Airliner is coming back on the way into Seattle, just this big fucking giant penis.
We could almost draw a vein down the middle of it, though.

Speaker 1 PFT, you're doing your Velveeta voice.

Speaker 1 Balls are going to be a little lopsided. Balls are complete.
Over.

Speaker 1 I just got to navigate a little bit over here for the shaft.

Speaker 1 Which way is the shaft going?

Speaker 1 The shaft will go to the left. Over.

Speaker 1 It's going to be wide shaft. Over and out.

Speaker 1 I mean, you should be allowed to do that. Yeah, you should.
Absolutely. Who's to say what is a penis and what isn't? They could be talking about anything.

Speaker 1 That should be the end of the Aaron Water show in Chicago every year. It's just a big fucking dick just sitting up in the sky.
Yeah, why not? Do it for the people. Listen, it's just an anatomy class.

Speaker 1 Yeah.

Speaker 1 Yeah. It's nature.

Speaker 1 If Banksy did it, we'd be calling the entire sky just a giant pallet. Is Banksy still alive? No, he's dead.
Really? No, I don't know. Who cares about Banksy? Is my take.

Speaker 1 I think Banksy's like nine people. Oh, you're one of those guys.
Yeah. Got it.

Speaker 1 I don't have a strong thought. You know what? I'm going to write that down, actually.
Develop a strong thought. Get a Banksy take.
Yeah, get a Banksy take. Get a better Banksy take going forward.

Speaker 1 I watched Exit to the Gift Shop. Banksy take going forward.
I liked when he did the paper shredder on that thing. That's my Banksy take.
Every Banksy take is just like

Speaker 1 Mickey Mouse in a gas mask, and he's kicking a bunch of poodles down a mountain, and the poodles all say McDonald's on them.

Speaker 1 Yeah, or it's like a little girl holding a balloon, but the balloon says Exxon Valdez. Yeah.
Yeah, exactly. And

Speaker 1 she's buying a lollipop, and the lollipop just says carbon emissions. And the money that she's paying for it says Hank's mom's money that she spent to take Hank to see Inconvenient Truth.
Yeah.

Speaker 1 It's like this big entire, you know, it's oil, it's a bunch of different oil wells, and then one little rose that pops up in the middle of all of it. And it actually just says capitalism is evil.

Speaker 1 That's a Banksy. Banksy has figured out the key to subversive art.
And that's no matter what you're doing, make sure you put a gas mask on it. Yeah, gas mask and little girls in dresses.

Speaker 1 And it's like, whoa, I never thought of it that way. Really fucking stuff.
Damn. I had a balloon once.

Speaker 1 Could have been me. I'm punk rock now.
Could have been me drawn on the side of a

Speaker 1 Manchester warehouse that everyone took pictures of. I say let the Navy pilots draw their dicks.
Yeah. I don't know how it got to Banksy, but yeah, I agree.
I agree.

Speaker 1 Hank, guys on checks? Yes. We have a Connect the Dots.
Oh, yeah, yeah, we have a Connect the Dots. Connect the Dots.
Frank Reich's assistant's house was shot up dozens of times.

Speaker 1 Actually, it was shot up, I think, 70, 70 bullets hit the house. Nobody got hurt.
Nobody got injured. I said right away when you told me the story, where's Marvin Harrison?

Speaker 1 People forget.

Speaker 1 Probably killed the guy. Good connected dots.
Probably killed the guy. That's one of those ones.
You're just like, hey, remember when Marvin Harrison probably killed the guy?

Speaker 1 That's weird that we don't talk about it. My connected dots is that Bill Belichick just got named defensive coordinator of the Patriots today by Bill Belichick.

Speaker 1 So he has reason to go after Frank Reich. Why?

Speaker 1 Why? Yeah.

Speaker 1 Just because. Because the rivalry is back on.
The rivalry's back on. I forgot about that.
I forgot about that. Or, here's a Rick Riley joke for you: 70 shots and not a single one of them connected.

Speaker 1 Does anybody have an APB on Kyrie Irving?

Speaker 1 Nice.

Speaker 1 Like two and a half. Two boobs.
Yeah, two and a half. If you had done it last week, I would have given you a full three when we were in the middle of it.

Speaker 1 Yeah, but nobody else is bricking shots these days. Right, exactly.
Steph Curry's back.

Speaker 1 Boy, I'm happy I never said that he sucked. Nope.
Nope. We've long been Steph Curry fans.
Always. Forever.
Skinny legs, though. Yeah.
She's on his mouth guard too much. Hank, guys on checks.

Speaker 1 Should I be mad at my boyfriend for not

Speaker 1 videoing me walk across the stage at my nursing school graduation? He didn't even see me walk because he was too engulfed in the hockey game he was watching on his phone.

Speaker 1 No. Nursing school,

Speaker 1 that means it's probably your second graduation, right? Yeah. So you probably already had a degree.
Maybe if you were a doctor. Oh, that's mean.
No, that's mean.

Speaker 1 Nurses actually do most of the work. They do.
They do all the work. The doctor just comes in, writes on a fucking chart, and says, all right, take these pills.
Yeah. And I'll see you in a month.

Speaker 1 You think a doctor ever gives a guy a sponge bath? No, nurses are the same. They have to do their dirty work.

Speaker 1 Yeah, you could be mad at him, but don't be mad at him for too long because it's the cup.

Speaker 1 Hey, thick cat. My boyfriend never picks a seat up when he pees and misses the commode

Speaker 1 every time. How can I prevent wait? Misses the what? The commode.
The commode. The commode.
How is that? It's the toilet. Word for toilet.

Speaker 1 Learn something new every day. Okay.

Speaker 1 Calm mode. Commode.
Commode. Two M's.
Yeah, commode. Yeah.

Speaker 1 It's like when you're

Speaker 1 in a commode. It's like when you're freaking out and someone's like, dude, just wipe back to calm mode.
Well, Hank, it's like, damn it. Isn't damn minute.

Speaker 1 But there's an N. Well, some people, well, if you're Blink 182, you just spell D-A-M-M-I-T.
Nice, nice, Hank. You got us on that one.

Speaker 1 How can I prevent this disaster or help him learn from his mistakes? What were we even talking about? Oh, he pisses on the seat? Yeah, I think just tell him to pee sitting down. Yeah.

Speaker 1 Or just tell him to wipe it. I mean, I don't lift the seat.
I usually am like 50-50, but I'll wipe it if I don't. I've got exceptional aim, so I don't really have an issue with that.
Yeah.

Speaker 1 Yeah, just.

Speaker 1 Here's the thing. If you try to change him on this small, this is one of those small habits that you're never going to be able to break them.

Speaker 1 It's like having an old dog that's already been taught a certain way to do things, where to use the bathroom.

Speaker 1 He's too late in life right now. So if you push him hard in one direction, he's he's actually going to get more inaccurate and just start peeing on other stuff that you don't want to pee on.
Right.

Speaker 1 And think about it this way.

Speaker 1 If he puts a seat up, he's going to forget to put it back down. And then you're going to sit in the toilet someday.
Like, you're going to go to the bathroom in the middle of the night.

Speaker 1 You're going to sit right in that fucking toilet water. So think about it that way.

Speaker 1 Do you guys ever do the thing where you try to time the flush? I do that all the time. Oh, towards the end? I always miss it up.
Like, I always have the bowl refill and I'm still going. Yeah.

Speaker 1 And I'm like, well, how hydrated am I? But are people going to be able to tell that there's pee in here?

Speaker 1 It's thrilling, though, when you get a perfectly timed flush and you're like, that was the most efficient I will ever be in my entire life when I time that flush. It is great.
So small things in life.

Speaker 1 Another small thing that's great is when the urinals have ice cubes and you piss them all away. The bad time.
The best. We told John Taffer about that.
The best.

Speaker 1 Hey, guys, especially Henry. I've heard that guys love their prostate massage during sex.
However, I don't know where that muscle is or the best way to do it. Can you give me some pointers?

Speaker 1 I don't know if it's a muscle. Is a prostate a muscle?

Speaker 1 I think it's

Speaker 1 the G-spot. Yeah.
It's the G-spot for guys, so it doesn't exist. That's true.
Prostate, I think it's in your butt, so yeah.

Speaker 1 I don't, oh, Hank just gave me a real look there. It's serving looks.
So I think it's just fingers up your butt, really far up your butt. I don't think guys like that.
I'm going to say it right now.

Speaker 1 I think some guys do. Okay.
The best way to find out if he likes it or not is to do it by surprise one time.

Speaker 1 Yeah. When he's not thinking, right after you've had a big meal.
Yeah, because if you ask him if he likes it, he's probably just going to be like, no, no, I'm not into that.

Speaker 1 Don't put up my poop. It's an out-hole.
It's sort of a poop ghost. Right.

Speaker 1 But if you just do it, then he has no choice but to either scream in pain or ejaculate, and you're going to know instantaneously

Speaker 1 if he likes it or not.

Speaker 1 All right, last one. My girlfriend has some manly qualities.
This is a guys on guys, but my girlfriend has some manly qualities, and the sex change snap filter makes her look even more girly.

Speaker 1 Should she be offended? Whoa. Or should I be offended? I think you need to be pissed off at Silicon Valley.
You need to sue Snapchat.

Speaker 1 That's got you thinking things that you don't need to be thinking. Sue Snapchat for thinking too much?

Speaker 1 You made me question things I didn't want to question.

Speaker 1 What does he mean by guyish qualities?

Speaker 1 She has a mustache. She can chug a mustache.
Yeah.

Speaker 1 Just tell your girlfriend to shave her mustache. It's not a big deal.
Oh, actually, last last one. Ooh, okay.
Yeah. Tonis.
Go, Hank. Bonus guys on chest.
We've never lasted this long.

Speaker 1 Especially Bubby. I'm two weeks.
Lily?

Speaker 1 I'm two weeks in my first internship in Chicago and just turned 21 last month. Woo! What's the rule on hooking up with coworkers? I go back to college in August and just want to have a good summer.

Speaker 1 Fuck them all. Yeah, every last one of them.

Speaker 1 Fuck them all. No, don't do that.
If you, well, it depends on what type of internship. If it's an internship in a job that you actually want to continue, I would say don't.

Speaker 1 What are you going to say? Nothing. The biggest thing.
What were you going to say?

Speaker 1 Nope. Say what you were going to say.
No. Oh, I

Speaker 1 here's the deal. Here's the deal.
Sometimes when you're an intern. Oh, boy, we stepped in.
You wish you didn't do this last one, Hank.

Speaker 1 Sometimes when you have an internship, you find a guy that you really connect with. And it turns out he's a sweetheart of a guy.
He might not be able to read very well. He's on a podcast.

Speaker 1 But you know what he can read? You've got a podcast is your heart. Yeah.
So, yeah, actually, you might find love, so go for it. Hank, how do you pronounce communications?

Speaker 1 This is, Hank, this is the classic one that like

Speaker 1 calm ode. Communications.
This is the classic communication. This is the classic situation like when you're playing pickup basketball and you like, you're like, I'm done.

Speaker 1 And then it's like, let's play one more. And you get really injured.
Oh, no, you gotta get it. That's what just happened to you.
No, you gotta do it. You were just like, let's play one more.

Speaker 1 You guys are misinterpreting what I was saying. Oh, okay.
That's all right. Oh, got it.
Oh, yeah. One more.
That was our fault. You just blew out your Achilles playing one more.
Uh-huh. Love you guys.

Speaker 1 Listen.

Speaker 1 Love you too, bro.

Speaker 1 I'm talking away.

Speaker 1 I don't know what I'm about to say. I'd say it anyway.

Speaker 1 Today's a muffin to find you. Shine it away.

Speaker 1 I'm coming for your love of gay. Show it away.

Speaker 1 I'm coming for your love of gay.

Speaker 1 Come on, leave

Speaker 1 me.

Speaker 1 Tell me, let's say,

Speaker 1 what's it?

Speaker 1 I'll be somewhere.

Speaker 1 Say I'm me.

Speaker 1 It's a better thing to say, charming. Say I'm me.

Speaker 1 It's a better thing to say, but charming.

Speaker 1 I'll bring that stay and see that I've got just play that by the reason why

Speaker 1 you are things I've got to remember. Nishai oi,

Speaker 1 I'll come to you anyway.

Speaker 1 Mishai oi,

Speaker 1 I'll come to you anyway. Take

Speaker 1 I'll give you all

Speaker 1 the

Speaker 1 old.

Speaker 1 It's pardon my tip presented by Bob School.