3X Major Champion Brooks Koepka + NBA Draft Lottery

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I mean, where else can you pair wall-to-wall hoops with hard-to-find whiskey? Only at Twin Peaks, the number one sports bar. On today's part of my take, we have defending U.S.
Open and PGA. No, PGA Championship Open.
Go say it. PGA Championship Open.
No, no, no. Say the name.
Brooks Koepka. I'm putting my take.
We have him on the show. We found out that Brooks Koepka, who is an unbelievable golfer, is also the Blake Bortles of golf.
He's just a dude. He's just a dude who loves to hit the ball really far and win a shitload of money.
He's Gucci, bro. He's Gucci, bro.
So we have him on the show. Really fun interview.
We have NBA draft lottery nonsense. Game one of the Western Conference final.
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Tap or visit SympericaTrio.com to learn more. All right, back to part of my take.
Lives, today is Wednesday, May 14th, 15th. Payday.
Payday, tax day, and NBA draft lottery day. Tanking is over.
Turns out Nate Silver is full of shit. Yeah.
Because 14%. Because of Hillary.
Oh, wait. Well, no.
Update. Yeah, yeah.
This is worse. The Knicks, they had what? Was it a 14% chance? 14% chance.
Of winning the number one pick? And it turns out that 14% does not equal 100%. Okay.
So we had the draft lottery. You're right, PFT.
By the way, going into it, let's start this way. Pelicans number one, Grizzlies number two, Knicks three, Lakers four.
If you went through who had the lottery odds from that, the Pelicans had the ninth best odds. They get the number one pick.
The Grizzlies had the eighth best odds. They get the two pick.
The Knicks had the first best odds. They get the three pick.
And the Lakers had the 11th best odds. They get the four pick.
Tanking is over. It is successful.
Adam Silver, glad for you, buddy. You made it so that no one can lose and get number one picks.
Listen, you can't. This is the anti-tank draft lottery.
I've long said in the NBA, and Trent Dilfer will back me up on this, you cannot lose games in the NBA and still win. Right.
And Silver is all over that right now. Both Silvers, Nate and Adam Silver.
So what we learned from this, so we'll break down the Zion to the Pelicans stuff and all that, but what we learned from this is the NBA is rigged. Yes, in a way.
Well, I was going to say that no matter what. Yeah, so the flow chart was going to be if he went to the Knicks, then the NBA is rigged.
If he doesn't go to the Knicks, rigged. Rigged.
If he goes to the Lakers, rigged. Also rigged.
If he goes to the Cavs, rigged. Because they always get number one pick.
I was really hoping for the Lakers to get the number one pick just for the ensuing chaos of LeBron James trying to reconcile in his mind what's going to happen. I wanted it just so that Zion was better than LeBron, and it was like LeBron's on Zion's team, not the other way around.
Well, Zion outscored LeBron by, I think, 1,000 points in college. True.
True. Easily.
Yeah. Went deeper in the tournament, too.
Way further. Actually, their tournament team did cover the same amount of games, though.
True brings up a good point though hank if the pelicans don't make the playoffs you're gonna get a cat interesting no so the pelicans now get zion this the reason why people are saying it's rigged this way is it is uh payback for the fact that they're gonna probably have to trade anthony davis he still wants to trade as of right now now. Payback for the Chris Paul fiasco back in the day.
Zion going to the Pelicans. It will keep basketball alive in New Orleans because it was on its deathbed.
And then we have the Grizzlies. I don't know how to spin that as rigged.
I just know that John Morant's going to be on the Grizzlies. And in like eight years, we're going to be like, oh, yeah, John Morant's onzzlies.
Yeah. That's cool.
It's going to be one of those things. I don't know how the Grizzlies would have factored into it, but they didn't get, it's rigged because they didn't get the number one pick.
So when they were in the final four, Silver was like, no, make sure that the Grizzlies don't get the number one pick. So mission accomplished by him.
And then the Knicks get the three, which is rigged because RJ Barrett or Cam Reddish, they went to Duke. Yeah, that's true.
So there you go. That's how the whole thing is rigged.
And R.J. was supposed to be the number one pick going into this.
Correct. Right.
So it just got rigged too far in advance. Yeah.
So if you're a Knicks fan and you're feeling really down right now, just go on to Google and search top pick in the draft and then have the settings be from August 2018 to like October 2018. And boom, you got the best player.
It's very simple. Just eternal sunshine of the spotless mind yourself and take out the last year and a half of what's happened in college basketball.
And you'll be very, very happy. Go look at the high school rankings.
You got the number one guy. But't watch zion's high school highlights yeah because those are really impressive so are we happy or sad this is well i'm sad i'm gonna do a seeing red in a minute but are we happy or sad that he's going to the pelicans and not the knicks and i'm happy okay go on i'm happy i don't think that new i don't know what new yorkers are like when the knicks are really really good and i don't think that anybody wants to find out.
The Mecca. The Mecca would be rocking.
Well, PFT, they are going to find out because Kevin Durant, according to sources, is 100% going to the New York Knicks. Is your source Colin Coward? My source is someone who DMed Colin Coward.
Okay, even better. Yes.
Maybe it was a dog. I'm happy.
So I'm mad about the Bulls, but Zion and Anthony Davis have to play together. I agree.
Like, do not trade Anthony Davis. You know what? As a minister, I am now proclaiming them married.
Yes. They're tied to one another.
Anthony, you can't leave the state. You have to stay there because I want to see those two play together.
I'm going to make them reenact the cover of the Mike Ditka, Ricky Williams. Was it ESPN the magazine? The wedding dress, yes.
Anthony Davis is wearing the tuxedo because he's got the unibrow, which is just basically a mustache with some balls that decided not to go south. The tuxedo that got a little bit north.
Exactly. I do want to see them play together.
I don't know how they would work together. I don't know if it would be a good team because, like, obviously the NBA is building their teams from the outside in as opposed to the other way around.
So I don't know if zigging while everybody else zags would work, but I want to see if it does. Well, it would be awesome if Anthony Davis was like, you know what? This is actually kind of cool now.
I'm going to stay in New Orleans because those two guys in New Orleans together would be awesome. If Anthony Davis does get traded, hopefully they get enough to make Zion.
I just want to see Zion play basketball and play it with a good team. I'm happy that the grit – listen, no offense to Memphis.
I'm sure we have millions of Memphis listeners, but that is like basketball hell. Where is that? There's grit.
They need to move it to Seattle, and then I'd be excited for John Morant in Seattle. That would be great.
Bring back our Sonics. There is grit in Memphis, though.
Yes. The grit and grind Grizzlies were some of my favorite teams of the early— What do you call the—are we in the teens right now? No, it's not the aughts.
It's the teens. We're in the early teens, yeah.
That's actually something I just thought of, the grit and grind Grizzlies. People forget Zach Randolph, his jersey's been retired by Memphis, even though he didn't retire, his jersey got retired before he retired.
What if John Morant wants that number? That's going to be a problem. That's an issue.
He'd have to fight Zeebo. I'm taking Zeebo nine times out of ten.
Okay, so we have the Cavs and the Suns and the Bulls rounding out the seven picks there. The Cavs and the Suns had the number one chances along with the Knicks.
So like we said, the anti-tanking setup has worked at least the first year. At least the first year that the worst three teams ended up with the third, the fifth, and the sixth pick.
I don't know if that's a good thing or not. I don't really – I kind of like tanking.
I think tanking is kind of funny when you get a really bad team. Trust the process, that whole bullshit.
But it's clear that going forward, it really doesn't matter because the odds have flattened so much. I will say, though, we had this debate before it started.
When you are offered – when I say to you, hey, PFT, I'm going to give you – you can pick one of these four numbers. There's three of them are a 14% chance One of them is 12.5% chance.
Oh, shit. You're taking 12.5% chance because you're like, what's up with that? Because the other – Why are they offering me that? The other 14s cancel each other out.
Yeah, like what's going on here? What's that? I like that. That 12.5% – It must know something.
It must know something. Well, it turns out it didn't because the Bulls get the seventh pick.
And starting seeing red right they're stuck again in just absolute bullshit they got the seventh pick for the third year in a row guard packs don't know what the fuck they're doing uh uh john paxton's got in front of the media and said here's what he said we've gone on our board already and there are more than seven players that uh there that we like bullshit they probably fucking drafted whoever was in the they looked at they watched the tournament and they're like oh that guy has he been there for four years now cancel him out did he go to iowa state now cancel him out they don't fucking know what they're gonna do i just know that jerry reinsdorf is gonna get a team that sucks again and everyone's gonna be like well just have patience just have patience and it fucking sucks and i'm just sick of it. I had a sick Zion shirt ready to go.
And it's all for naught. And it happened so fast.
That was the worst part. They did the lottery so fucking fast that it was like, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom.
The Bulls have a seventh pick. What? What are you going to do with that Zion shirt? Burn it.
What you should do. I'm going to burn it.
Like a good fan. Did you actually get one made? Like a true fan.
No. Okay.
So you just had the graphic. You had the PDF or whatever.
Ready to go. Theoshop you should just send that photoshop overseas to a country you know how like we send all the super bowl loser shirts yes overseas to people and you should send like just that picture that graphic over to a country that doesn't have as many photoshops perfect yeah just send hey you guys don't have computers yeah send it to china they don't even allow photoshop here's a photoshop but i'm very it's just sucks because the bulls are just stuck forever and it's just going to be the same shit over and over and over again i don't know how you get the seventh pick three years in a row that's almost impossible to do well i know how you avoid it yeah if you send horace grant up there you make fucking sure he's wearing his goggles absolutely you're the knicks and you send patrick ewing up there you make sure he's got his knee pads on and his sweat towel over his shoulder.
Okay, so I'm on the other side of it. I've kind of, like, calmed down.
I'm thinking Kobe White, Darius Garland, one of those two guys. Give him to me.
Don't look at me like that. He only played five games for Vandy, but he got hurt.
He's really good. Is there a European player that we're not even sure exists? I'm sure.
They'll find him guy yeah they'll find him he'll be soft as fuck now that laurie's soft he's actually strong

but here's what i'm gonna do to make myself feel better i went back through history

and the seventh pick ready for it okay so we had laurie marknan who's very very good

steph curry ever heard of him eric gordon luol dang kirk heinrich a lot of championships rip

hamilton adrian peterson champ bailey frank thomas clayton kershaw kevin white

Thank you. Zang, Kirk Heinrich, Rip Hamilton, Adrian Peterson, Champ Bailey, Frank Thomas, Clayton Kershaw, Kevin White.
Lucky number seven. Lucky number seven.
I'm on the other side. I'm feeling good.
Okay. I like that spin zone.
I was watching the draft lottery and all I kept thinking about was Roger Goodell is going to make sure that the NFL has some sort of lottery in place by the time Trevor Lawrence becomes eligible.

Because he saw – this was an event.

This was bigger than the playoff game tonight because it involved so many other franchises.

Goodell is going to –

Everyone's got hope.

He's going to make damn sure that the NFL adopts some sort of lottery.

Yes.

Although it's much harder to tank in the NFL, I think, than it is in the NBA.

And the Lakers obviously getting the fourth pick is a story

because I don't know who they're going to get, but LeBron's – You're going to hate him. No, he's going to be like, hey, this is my little bro, and I'm going to put him under my wing.
And then hopefully with enough luck in like four years, he's going to force a trade. He's just going to make a plan for LeBron.
He's going to make the number four pick just DD for him all the time. Yes, exactly.
Come on, Pledge. Any lottery thoughts? No, the bullet it was it did go by fast it was funny watching people's hearts get broke like one after it was it was like yeah it was basically just a chain reaction in the office it they could stretch that out for another half hour at least i know this sounds stupid this sounds very very stupid but when you stretch it out and you give a little drama it just feel it just went.
I didn't know what happened. I thought it was fake.
If it was stretched out too long, you would be on here complaining that it was too long. No, I wanted to.
I feel like it's tough with those shows like the bracket selection show. It's one of those things where you go too long, people hate it.
You go too short, people hate it. But what if I walked in here right now and I was like, Hank, you're going to die soon? I would be.
I'd rather that than know I'm going to die. No, I'd just rather be like, Hank, listen, sit down.
I want to talk to you. You're going to die soon.
It's been real. Oh, that was good.
Damn. By the way, both of those ways of telling Hank he was going to die, each one lasted about five seconds.
Yeah, but the first one was really fast. Oh, those were separate.
Those were separate. Yeah, separate examples.
Hey, you're going to die soon. You're like, what? I have the seventh pick? Well, he wouldn't even understand what you were saying.
Yeah. Yeah.
I think you could stretch it out for at least an hour. I just needed a little more time.
I was just let down too fast. It felt too abrupt.
I needed to hear Dan Gilbert's child get up and speak. And every person that's up there should have to give an acceptance speech.
This was the draft, though. For the pick that they got.
This was the time the Bulls finally were like, hey, we're going to suck a little bit. We're going to really suck a little bit.
Not just mid-range suck. This was going to be the Zion draft.
It was going to change everything. And now he's a fucking Pelican? Give me a break, man.
It sucks he's not coming to New York. I would have rather had him go to New York, even the Lakers, just for the drama.
Because of the Mecca?

Yeah.

No, for the drama.

I mean, at our office, it would be nice to just go over there.

Just like see him walking down the street?

Yeah.

We would definitely run into Zion a few times at Five Guys.

But the Knicks are going to get Kevin Durant.

That's the thing.

The Knicks can at least sell themselves on that.

You know what I mean?

They're going to get Kevin Durant.

They probably get Kyrie Irving.

Bull's got nothing.

Just stay out and hold strong for Riley Curry in like 2033.

Oh, that would be sick. She's going to be wet that that jay's gonna be wet careful real careful whoa that's a bad brain moment your part no you're no that's your part five years there yeah let's talk about shooting julius rando was also the seventh pick uh and she's gonna be funny watching people like when zion's not playing as well as a rookie and people are like oh he's not even better than julius randall it's like julius randle's a good player.
He's okay. Yeah, okay.
He's not Zion. He's okay.
Zion's better than him already. They're really excited about Julius Randle for some reason.
I wrote him down, too. Traded for Jamal Crawford, but Chris Mim, what a legend.
Very strong player. All right, let's talk some games that are actually happening.
The Warriors are currently, there's two minutes left in the game, and they're going to beat the Trailblazers by like 15. The bloody buckles, yeah.
So this series is going to go five, like I said. I'm thinking...
Will Kevin Durant play in this series? That's the thing. Kevin Durant comes back, and then the Trail Blazers win a couple games because there's just one ball.
Correct, only one ball. So I'm holding strong to my six.
Okay. And we have the Eastern Conference Finals coming up tomorrow, the Raptors versus the Bucs.
Hank, in hockey, the Bruins are five games away. So they're just – what happened to Carolina? They've got to kill that pig.
They've got to kill that pig. I'm going to go – I'm going to take care of it.
You're going to take care of it? I said that I would. If they lose, if they lose this round, I'm taking care of it.
You're going to take care of it?

Yeah.

Wink.

We all eaten.

Yeah, and then the Blues and the Sharks are tied at one.

Did you see Giannis' comments about game one?

No.

He said that the Raptors game one is a must win, whereas the Celtics wasn't.

Whoa.

Oh, interesting.

So that was just shitting on the Celtics after they died.

That's also just revisionist being like it wasn't a must win

because it turns out that it was more of a can't lose yeah also true also true um should we do some hot seat cool throne let's get it let's get it let's get it uh Hank why don't you start uh my hot seat is people that wanted to see the Robert Kraft video yep hand up me uh judging Palm Beach County granted Robert Kraft's motion to suppress video evidence in his solicitation of prostitution case on Monday. So I was probably never going to see the light of day.
We should make a fake one. We should stage it.
Who's got to be the stunt cop? Not me. We should stage it.
Well, we can blur that part out so we can fake that. Still not me.
But we can stage it. Blur would be too small.
Yeah, we can stage it in our green room that we have now, the green screen room. What's that? This is the Barstool Gold reminder.
You need to download Barstool Gold right now because you get extra PMT episodes every single month. And you can watch every podcast on video.
Every podcast on video, Hank? Yeah. Every single one.
Every interview, every podcast. Maybe we make the Robert Kraft.
No, we need to release that to the public. You can watch us with Brooks Koepka in some random Long Island family's home.
There's a finished basement, which is very nice. You don't see that that much.
Yeah, you don't see it much. So back to Robert Kraft.
Yeah. So Robert Kraft, I say that we fake.
We do like a moon landing video. Get Stanley Kubrick attached to it.
And we just film it, blur it out a little bit, make it nice and grainy and black and white. And then we just collect all those internet hits off of it.
Because I wanted to see it. I'm disappointed that I'm not going to see Robert Kraft's little dick get jacked off.
Download or subscribe to our YouTube account. I have a sneaking feeling that there will be a video about Robert Kraft's leaked footage coming soon.
I like that. Hank, would you have watched it? Deep fakes.

You have to watch.

Everyone would have. Come on.

My other hot seat is Turkish basketball fans.

Turkey's just not going to broadcast the Warriors-Blazers series.

They're just ignoring it? They're pretending that it's not

happening because of cancer?

Whoever their representative said,

furthermore, if Portland makes it to the finals, that will not be broadcast

either. So if you're a basketball fan

in Turkey, you're just kind of screwed.

Well, they're probably not going to make the finals.

Thank you. whatever their representative said.
Furthermore, if Portland makes it to the finals, that will not be broadcast either. So if you're a basketball fan in Turkey, you're just kind of screwed.
Well, they're probably not going to make the finals. So you're just screwed for the next week and a half.
That sucks. Listen, say what you want about Erdogan, but when you start taking away postseason basketball from your citizens, I think we can all agree that's a bridge too far.
Yes, I'd agree. By the way, I got the second half over.
I need two baskets. It's not going to happen, right? Okay, that's tough.
There's – Oh! Okay. Nope.
Not going to happen. Not going to happen.
All right. Is that it, Hank? Well, those are my hot seats.
Okay. So the next I have cool thrown.
Yeah, that's how it works. Which I have a few of.
My first one is NCAA football. Oh, that was my cool thrown, you dick.
All right, then you can take it. There was one basket.
My other cool throne was Bill Nye, the science guy. He's back.
Back in a big way. Did a video about global warming.
Did some Dracarys. Lit a globe on fire.
People loved it. Bill Nye, our favorite science guy, is back.
Bill Nye, not a scientist, but a science guy. Yeah, he got exposed.
Yeah, he did get exposed because he doesn't have a degree in But he is – he just called himself a science guy, like a football guy but for science. Wait, don't – yeah.
What? Well, you're basically like, yeah, Bill Nye never got a degree in science. He just called himself a science guy like we call ourselves football guys.
No, I was saying the science guy is the science version of a football guy. Got it.
Okay. He's not a football coach.
Yes. He's not a science coach or a science teacher.
He's just a science guy. He's a lover of science.
So, yeah, he's dropping F-bombs now. He is? Yeah, so he knows how to connect with the kids.
They love hearing that fuck word. Damn.
Bill Nye. Never meet your heroes.
So, Hank, what did you take away from that video? We should probably worry about the earth more. Oh, that's deep.
Global warming mean that shit's bad we're fucked it's not good no it's not hank it is not good what is the actual term for you can't say global warming anymore fucked is what bill and i said we are fucked nobody isn't it like well there's climate change climate change yeah but global warming was like too nice of a word, too soft of a word. Well, global warming sounds nice.
It's like, hey, the earth's getting warmer. Oh, yeah, no shit.
I live in New York and it's 40 degrees for nine months out of the year and we're never going to have a summer. Sign me up.
Give me all the styrofoam cups to burn. But when you say climate change, it kind of incorporates other stuff.
By the way, when I was a kid, I saw the commercial for An Inconvenient Truth and I thought it was like a sci-fi movie. And that's changed you for the rest of your life.
No, no. I remember I went to it and I was pissed.
Like I watched it and I was like, what? This is a Geo store? My mom was like, oh, I'll take you. I'd love to take you to that.
And I watched it and I was like, what the fuck is this? There was a moment in time where Mama Lockwood was like, my boy is so intellectually curious. No, he actually thought it was an Avengers movie.

He thought that there was going to be an alien at some point and that came out with a blowtorch.

Yeah, so Hank's walking out of an inconvenient truth

and he's super pissed off.

And his mom's like,

I think Hank really wants to do something about the climate.

He's mad that he's not going to have a future for his children.

Mom, where the fuck was Spider-Man?

He's like, no, God damn it, Mom.

I was hoping for the Predator to come out of the Antarctic. That's bullshit.
Thanos even in that one. Okay, that was great story time.
All right, PFT, what do you got? My hot seat is Boston accents. Okay.
Because they just did a study, and the Boston accent was named the number two sexiest accent in America. What's number one? A southern accent? Texas.
So bless your heart, Hank. Yeah.
Bless that damn heart. Bless your little heart.
I would have thought Baltimore, Philly, the part of Florida where it sounds like you're in Amsterdam. Northern Minnesota.
Very northern Minnesota. Oh, yeah.
Hey, come over here and bring that hot rod of yours and just put it in my pooper. Southern Canada.

Yeah.

Same thing.

Southern Canada, northern Minnesota.

All the same.

All the same, yeah.

But it turns out that Boston was number two.

I don't know.

Who commissioned this study?

Matt Damon.

Yeah.

Wahlberg.

It was actually Ben Affleck.

He's trying to get a little bounce back.

Yeah.

Hey, people still think I'm wicked sexy over here.

My cool throne is- That was it? That was it. Just one.
Wow. My cool throne, Hank, is war crimes.
Oh. Takaris.
Yeah, in addition to your queen, Danny. All of our queens.
Yes, queen. For one more week, you idiot.
Proving that even female leaders can execute women and children in a fire. It's war.
What war don't innocent people die? I'm just saying, Hank, that's all I'm saying. That's not even the biggest point.
You're supposed to be a history buff. That's not even.
Oh, so you're siding with the people that burned entire villages to the ground. I'm just saying.
It's war. War is war.
War is war. Hank is a fucking war hawk.
Hank, thank you for your service, Hank. Lockheed Martin Hank.
Hank Lockheed would.

Wars war.

Anyway fucking bombers.

Anyways, the real reason that war crimes are on the cool throne is because it came out today that Uber and Lyft have been allowing a war criminal to operate as a driver in northern Virginia.

That seems bad.

He got past their background checks.

Wait, kind of funny.

Dick Cheney's doing Uber.

I'm sure he is.

Yes.

What's going on now?

Yeah,

he's drunk and Ubering all over Wyoming again,

just like old times.

Yeah.

But it's kind of funny

that people are losing their shit

over the fact that he got past

the Lyft and Uber background checks,

but they're fine with him

just like being here anyway.

They're like,

hey,

that son of a bitch war criminal

is driving my Uber as opposed to like, hey, that son of a bitch war criminal is driving my Uber. As opposed to like, hey, that son of a bitch war criminal is in the United States.
It's actually people who are probably like, fuck, if I had known, I wouldn't have given him five stars. Think about all the people who gave that war criminal five stars.
You got to feel like a real piece of shit. Real piece of shit.
Also, the people that took a ride with him and he was trying to make small talk. And they're like, hey, dude, can you just shut up and face the road? Yeah.
And then they get out of the car and they see who it was. And they're like, fuck.
Oh, man. He could have just lit me on fire.
Yeah. I wonder why he was talking about the Grizzlies.
That's weird. Yeah.
So hopefully he picks up Dan Snyder at some point. Is he still out there? Yeah.
He's doing it. He did an interview today.
I mean, I'm not going to defend Uber and Lyft here. He said I'm making a ton of money of money but that's like it's probably a tough it's easy to do a background check for like criminal history in the u.s duis all that stuff they probably don't have a box like are you a war criminal yes or no and if it is a war criminal they're probably going no you check no yeah so fast on that you try to figure out yourself yeah and then yes if so please explain yes exactly exactly all right is that it that's it yeah well no i got one more cool throne do it uh the tv shows supernatural and charmed are on the cool throne because it's big time charmed season after you watch a game on tnt you leave your tv on maybe you go to the gym the next morning yep and you're on the treadmills and every single TV is playing Supernatural and Charmed.

Those fucking shows will not get out of my brain

for the rest of my life as long as TNT has the rights

to these late night postseason basketball games.

I see what you did there and I liked it.

It's a backwards way of saying you went to the gym.

Congrats.

Well, I don't need to go to the gym anymore

because I've got these.

I got the jumping shoes on,

so I'm wearing the Jimmy shoes from Seinfeld.

And for everyone who thinks PFT is just doing it so that he can be a few inches taller, that's not what's happening. It doesn't make you any taller at all.
Oh, really? No, it doesn't. So what it does, it strengthens your calves.
According to the two peer-reviewed studies that I read about them after I purchased them, you're actually more likely to suffer a devastating Achilles injury than you are to improve your vertically. But the people that tough it out

and stick through the training regimen

have added up to eight inches to their vert.

Eight inches.

In which case, I will be slam jamming

some ping pong balls in your face.

I'm going to be doing tricks with ping pong balls

that David Stern could only dream about.

We need to do a test.

You need to jump right now to see it.

See what my vert is right now? Yeah. They call mey vert okay all right let's see three two one okay that was about a wait do it one more time i got i looked up i shouldn't be looking down that wasn't that wasn't a full jump go ahead yeah jump as high as you can i'm gonna say that was like a five that was like a five inch vert hit the ceiling five inches yeah so if you can get that's the eye test So we're going to have to do a controlled test that was like a five-inch vert.
Hit the ceiling. Five inches.
Yeah.

So if you can get – that's the eye test.

So we're going to have to do a controlled test here in like a month.

Do the same thing for me.

And I'll tell you if you got better.

Got it.

I'm going to dunk.

Okay.

My hot seat is me because I had the weirdest follow ever right before the draft lottery

that pretty much has me shook beyond belief.

Like I don't know if I can tweet anymore. Anna Kendrick out of nowhere, which we still can't figure out what's happening.
She's watching us. This is a sick brag on your screen.
This is a sick brag. I also don't.
It is a sick brag. Oh, it is.
Not even a humble brag. It was an accident.
It has to be an accident, right? But you know when this happens. PFT, you know when this happens.
I wouldn't show that. Big Cat, your Game of Thrones tweets.
I deserve this. Your Game of Thrones tweets were so relatable.
Well, all the tweets were just bitching about the Bulls. You've had this old PFT where someone follows you and it pauses you and you're like, uh, fuck.
Yeah. Like the next tweet's got to be fired.
I got a few of those. Right.
I don't air them out. What is anna kendrick doing you know what's gonna happen is people are gonna tag her now and good i'd rather have the answer i'm also gonna slide in the dm and try to get her on grit week okay do you think that's a good idea yeah that's when do you think i should do it if you think that's appropriate when you think i should do it how much time i'd say at least give it at least 30 minutes okay i already did it so i did it like within five minutes yeah minutes.
She probably thought you were the dude from Fantasy Factory. That's exactly what it is, Hank.
That's why I wanted to figure it out. That's exactly right.
She thinks I'm Rob Dierdek's cousin. Why does she think that? Because his name is Big Cat on Twitter.
He sometimes gets sports tweets, and he's like, yo, stop fucking complaining about the Bears to me. Gotcha.
So, all right.

My cool throne is all of our fun because NCAA –

And I can't have followed you.

No.

NCAA video game is back.

NCAA – well, maybe back.

NCAA formed a committee to bring back the NCAA football game.

And this is the greatest news I think that has ever happened in my life

because that game is the best game ever. For me, it's less about the game itself.
More about the two things that are ancillary to the game. Number one, the soundtrack.
Yes. Which is always awesome.
Listening to the fight songs. Bubba Sparks, Back in the Mud.
Oh, the soundtrack. Yeah.
Bubba Sparks, Back in the Mud. That entire soundtrack was amazing.
And then number two, being able to simulate draft classes. Okay, so I love the game for different reasons.
The fight songs and winning the Heisman by scheduling a couple cupcakes in September and getting like 15 touchdowns against them. Do they let you schedule out-of-conference games for 15 years in the future? Probably.
That would be sick. In the new one.

This seriously, though, is the best news ever.

I'm so excited for this.

If you didn't love that game, think about this.

There are kids out there that just don't know that game existed.

It's been five, six years?

How long has it been?

It's the least we could do.

If we're going to be giving them a world that's so affected

by Hank being upset about climate change,

we should at least give them NCAA football.

Hank, what were your takes on it?

Because this was going to be your cool throne.

I mean, same thing.

Best game ever.

It really is.

It really is.

I enjoyed playing NCAA football more than Madden.

Way better than Madden.

The kids actually care in this game.

Right.

And it's just you get to play.

It's basically like you get to play the cup case.

You get to run up the score.

You get to play rivalries.

In high school mode, getting to be the star running back. Or the star quarterback.
And you get to play the cup case. You get to run up the score.
You get to play rivalries. Getting to be the star running back.

Or the star quarterback.

And you get all the stadiums.

I just need it.

I need it back.

And shout out to Kirk.

2014 was the last one.

Really?

Yeah.

All right.

Cover of 2014.

Jannard Robinson?

Yep.

Yeah.

That was a classic one.

That's the other one.

That's the covers.

By the way, listen out there.

That's an answer to a trivia question that you will hear at some point in your life.

Who was the last player on the cover of the NCAA football game before it got kicked off the market?

I want to actually find the NCAA football games going back.

Tebow is on one.

I think, what's his name?

The other gator who turned out to be problematic Chris Leake RG3 I'm going back now Percy Harvin Barry Sanders was on one Mark Leiner was on one Michael Crabtree Mark Sanchez wasn't there a Nebraska quarterback on there at some point Brian Arakpo was on it Darren McFadden 09 Brian 09 i remember that game very well brian johnson jesus chris winky sean alexander ricky williams charles woodson danny werfel holy shit time capsule i love it we need it back oh it was a very very fun game very and the thing about it was it was different from madden in a lot of ways too which like you would sit down and be like do you want to play ncaa Madden and it wouldn't just be like well you can play with the University of Florida in this one or a pro team in the other there were actually like major differences in the game that made it sweet yes you could actually run like Madden got too hard Madden got too hard in the last few years and just didn't get fun like every everything was too realistic you go out there passing cone really right you'd go out there and you'd throw up like a josh rosen stat line and you'd win like seven to six but well i guess i had fun yeah not really uh all right let's get to our interview uh it's brooks kapka if you like the brooks kapka interview our guys our colleagues at foreplay interviewed him on tuesday probably more technical golf stuff with that interview we did a little more uh just kind of... Just guys being dudes.
Yeah, we're not big golf fans. It turns out that Brooks Koepka isn't that big of a golf fan either.
Yeah, he hates golf. Well, he doesn't hate golf, but he doesn't like golf.
He doesn't really like it. He's just the best in the world at it.
Right, exactly. We're going to get right back to the show.
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All right, back to part of my take. Here he is, Brooks Koepka.
Okay, we now welcome on a very special guest. We're in his home, his rented home, in Long Island.
It's Brooks Koepka. He is the U.S.
Open 2017-2018 champion and also the PGA return champion, right? So you're trying to defend your crown here this weekend at Bethpage Black. And I want to start with the most important question.
You have three majors. You're very good looking.
You got muscles. You got the whole fucking tan and everything.
What's your problem? I got no problem. Okay.
Well, we got a problem. We got one problem.
Brandel. Okay.
Yes. Yes.
Brandel. I figured that might come around.
Yes. But seriously, like you need, we're going to start a whole rebrand of brooks kepka on this show

you are too perfect so we need to figure out like give us your biggest weakness to start this off

biggest weakness reality tv that's not a weakness you watch a strength real housewives you're real

yeah yeah i've definitely watched it uh you got skinny recently i did that pissed off america that's

that was really interesting going into the masters because people were mad at you that you lost weight

Thank you. Yeah, I definitely watched it.
You got skinny recently. I did.
That pissed off America. That was really interesting going into the Masters because people were mad at you that you lost weight.
I know. I don't get that.
They were not fat. They know what everyone else is trying to do.
Everybody was just like, I wish Brooks would put on 30 pounds and get back to like, how much weight did you lose? I was like 30 pounds, yeah. What was the plan behind that? I just wanted to look good.
That was it? Yeah. You just want to look good for the gram? Yeah, well, yeah yeah well yeah yeah if you got a photo shoot you might as well look good so you actually lost power though in your drive right yeah and we're not golf guys but we'll ask a couple golf we'll sprinkle a couple golf is that bad to lose power on your drive i mean it's not good so you want to be long when you noticed it like were you like what what's going on here i need to start eating again yeah well yeah Once we got everything done, squared away, all the photo shoots done, I definitely ate like a champ.
I know that. Okay.
So you actually- Going back to cheeseburgers and pizza. Did you actually have photo shoots? Oh, yeah.
So you lost weight for pictures. I wanted to look good.
Yeah. Yeah.
I mean, who doesn't want to look good? That's true. Did you stop working out? After, yes.
Huh. Okay.
I was definitely working out before. How much do you bench these days these days i don't know i haven't benched a long time it's been like six weeks really that's a really long time that's a really long time it's great though i heard that you used to be able to put up 315 yeah i could how many times just once oh okay i also heard that you used to work out sometimes after rounds is that true yeah before or Isn't that weird, though? If you're lifting weights before you go out on the course, doesn't that affect? I feel like if I do three tricep extensions, I can't shoot a basketball for like a week afterwards.
I look better in the shirts, though. Your schmediums? In my schmediums, yes.
Your schmediums. They are very tight.
That's on my list as well. So wait.
I want to go back because golf is one of those sports that everyone always thinks like, oh, the fat guys can play. It's Phil Mickelson back in the day.
Now it's completely different. You guys train like you're in the NFL or like NBA.
We're not that big. But what's your training regimen like? You guys have had plenty of NFL guys.
There's no reason that we're anywhere close. But what's your training regimen like in the offseason?

Are you training every single day?

Yeah, in the offseason, yeah.

I mean, you might as well.

What else are you going to do?

I'm not playing golf.

I've got better things to do.

Oh, how long do you go without playing golf in the offseason?

I'll go six weeks.

That's crazy.

Yeah.

When you get back out on the course after six weeks,

do you notice a major, major difference in how you're playing?

Yeah.

Really?

Do you give yourself that break more mentally just so you can more mentally just so yeah i'd rather be on the boat drinking that's hanging out doing what everybody else is doing you know that like everybody else they do the exact opposite where they go out to play golf to get away from stuff yeah yeah and that's their mental break yeah exactly you're the whole, like, you're too perfect narrative that you got going.

All right, so let's talk about this weekend.

Bethpage Black, I have no fucking idea if it's a hard course.

I assume it is.

Is there extra pressure being the returning champ?

A little bit, but, I mean, that's fun.

Don't you want to be the guy that everybody's gunning for?

I mean, I think that's fun. When you walk in the locker room, is everyone giving you a look?

Like, oh, here comes Brooks Koepka.

I hope so.

Maybe if I took my shirt off. Yeah.
I don't know. What is a golf locker room like everyone giving you a look like oh here comes brooks kapka i hope so maybe if i took my shirt off yeah yeah i don't know what is a golf locker room like i've always wondered that it's not like any locker room that any other sport it's pretty yeah it's pretty weird you guys talk at all or is it yeah there's talking going on there's a lot of like oh we're friends we're this we're that but then everybody's just trying to kill everybody when they get out right so it So it's like a little awkward.
Yeah. So, yeah, you've won a bunch, I guess, a bunch of high-profile tournaments on really weird courses.
You're like the master of the strange courses in Aaron Hills with the Fescue and that Shinnecock Laster. Why do you like defeating the courses that we like to cheer for so much? Yeah, I don't know.
Big course, guys. Yeah, I don't know.
I don't really have an answer for that one. But is there anything about your game that translates directly into that i like it when it's tough i don't know it's it's easier when it's tough you already know you got half the guys beat mentally they can't play the course and then the other ones just mentally can't hang and so you only got to beat a few huh do you do meditation or anything no so you just mentally get in the zone i'm just chill all the time it's never okay i get pissed off you're never gonna like get upset about anything that's probably why you lost to tiger in the masters probably yeah yeah so probably exactly why yeah we can talk about that was that a crazy moment to have a guy who i assume like in you know how old are you now 29 okay so yeah so you were about all the same age you watched tiger growing up he was probably your hero and The original Big Cat.
Yeah, the original Big Cat. And then you're boom.
You're up against him in the Masters. Were you intimidated at all? Was it a little bit of a, oh, shit, here comes Tiger in red on a Sunday? Not really.
I already beat him once. I beat him at the PGA.
That's true. So I had that going for me.
Yeah. But I guess it was fun.
I just hit a bad shot at a bad time. Nothing you can do is put it in water on 12 oh put it in the water yeah there was a rumor that you missed that last putt on purpose so that he could win yeah i got asked that the other day yeah i was like yeah no yeah definitely pretty fair i'd love to throw out a couple million dollars and just yeah right down the drain so we actually we're gonna get to some rules some golf rules about how to make it golf more fun because I think you're on the record saying that it needs to be more fun.
Yeah. Right.
But a pre-golf rule is when you hit it in the water, you can't use that club for the rest of the tournament. Ooh, that's good.
I like that. Yeah.
That would be good. That would be good, right? Yeah.
Like a little bit of risk. Yeah, a lot of guys would be down a lot of clubs.
Yes. And then it's like, oh, shit.
Especially me. I didn't know water all the damn time.
Here he comes. He's got no five iron.
He's got no seven iron.'s got no seven iron like what is he gonna like that yeah i'll get behind that we got more coming up i heard a rumor that when you hit a really sick drive just like split it hit it 315 or whatever you say to yourself that's gucci bro oh yeah i did that once yeah and then somebody somebody caught on to that i was like all right i forget who it was somebody heard that i guess it got caught up in a boom mic. Yeah, that's Gucci bra.
That's Gucci bra. That's pretty sick.
You should start doing that again. I'll do it this week.
Okay. Make sure everyone can see it.
Oh, yeah. I'll make it loud enough so the entire crowd hears it.
That's Gucci bra. First tee.
When you come out, do you know if you have it that day or not? Let me rephrase it. How many times do you come out in a tournament and you're like, I got this, this feels great, or you have to fight it and really struggle through it? I'd say most days are a fight or a struggle.
You know literally in the first five holes whether it's going to be your day or not. And then if it is your day, just press and just aim at every flag and hope everything goes your way because usually luck's in.
If not, then yeah has there ever been a tournament that you've won where you came out and you were like this is not my day i'm just not feeling it but you had to like scratch and claw just to kind of keep your head above water yeah i think um in korea this what was it this fall when i won got to number one i felt like i didn't play that great yeah we watched we all watched The Korean tournament. The Korean golf tournament at 2am.
Yes. Exactly.
That was great. I don't even think that tournament happened.
You were looking forward to answer that question and you just made one up. Are you intimidated by the fact that the two guys like us that are huge sports fans, alpha guys, don't really care for golf? No.
I mean, I'll be honest. I don don't watch it when i'm out when i'm away from it i like the majors the majors are yeah if i was gonna watch anything i'd watch augustine on the majors right other than that i'd much rather be watching basketball late night lakers fan yes so lebron fan you love lebron that's kobe okay yeah we'll go kobe i like kobe guy i like that you're like one of those kobe guys it's like lebron's not my hero yeah no i'm i'm a kobe guy what do you think the lakers should do well kobe's getting his um her kobe lebron is getting his coach i guess yeah jason kidd now to assistant so this will be interesting definitely interesting is a word that you can use for it.
I don't know. He's getting his way.
Real question. What happened in the Ryder Cup this year? Which part? The loss or after? Getting just washed and then after.
We just got beat. We sucked.
Yeah. We just weren't any good.
Someone's got to lose. But what about the clubhouse after? Bad chemistry? No.
See, that got so blown out of proportion. Okay.
i don't even know what happened there we were all laughing we went in the european team room it was me dustin paulina and we were just all hanging out and we were going out we were going out to paris after and we were arguing over the cab because dustin said he ordered a car car didn't show up so we kept drinking doing stuff and i was like finally trying to get him to go out and he wanted to stay and i was like let's go out in paris come on man only here once let's go right and that's what the fight was about yeah but i mean there was a couple f-bombs fuck yous let's go now yes we're not gonna hang you guys like i'm ready to go i'm ready to party the fight was about how quickly to get to Got it. Okay.
Interesting. So it sounds like you guys were having a really good time after you lost the Ryder Cup.
I mean, after you lose, what are you supposed to do? Drink your sorrows? It's too chill of a guy. Yeah.
I mean, win or lose, it's like whatever, man. In 2016, you were basically the hero.
What was that like? That was sweet. I mean, that party's a lot better.
Yeah, that party's a lot better. Yeah, when you win, it's great.
Right. Do you like that atmosphere that you see at, you know, sometimes you get the U.S.
Open, like in Shinnecock last year, and at the Ryder Cup when people are just, like, going nuts on the course, just cheering, being a little bit, like, reckless, a little louder than maybe some of the other events. I love it.
That's why I love, like, the waste management. Yeah.
Great tournament. If you're going to go to one, that's what you've got to go to.
Yeah. That's the best.
That's 16th hole. So we need more cheering in golf? Yes.
Yeah. I love it.
That's why I love the waist management. Yeah.
Great tournament. If you're going to go to one, that's what you've got to go to.

Yeah.

It's the best.

That's 16-12.

So we need more cheering in golf?

Yes.

Yeah.

I love it.

Do you have any Phil Mickelson?

Have you hung out with him at all?

Have you played with him?

Yeah.

Yeah, a little bit.

Phil Mickelson.

Oh.

The money games are quite fun.

Yeah.

Very interesting.

I haven't played them in a long time.

So he does money games on the side, like in the offseason?

Yeah, like on Tuesday.

No, not on the offseason. Like during tournament weeks.
Like a like a major week like this week you could go play tuesday with phil if you wanted to play for some cash what does he play like for like how much per hole whatever you want whatever you want there's no problem just make sure you pay up yeah he's got the bankroll so nobody's gonna yeah you can wager him whatever you want and he's gonna say yes to it yeah yeah so you're getting ready for opening round on Thursday, Wednesday night. What is your...
Do you have a pattern that you do? Do you have... I just try to be in bed by like 10.30 but other than that I got nothing.
Hmm. Yeah.
It's just whatever. Whatever.
I feel like falling asleep. We're going to find something.
What would you say that we could make fun of you most easily for besides the reality TV thing? The thong photo? Yes. Oh, that was a good thong photo how about the fact i was trying so hard to be an instagram model it just backfired so bad what about your your logo socks sorry i'm getting a new one yeah okay there you go good yes see there we go we found something i saw it i was like what's this it's just a b yeah and like what you gotta yeah i got a new one coming so what's the new one look like? I'll show you later, yeah.
Show me one right now. I don't have it on me now.
I don't have my phone. All right, so you fixed the one thing that I could say was bad.
Yeah, we're getting a little better on that. You have a very South African sounding name.
I know. I want to hear you say it one time.
It's so satisfying to say, Brutskipka. Yeah.
It's way cooler. I've heard it a thousand times.
I just want to hear it in person. You should be South African.
There will be people who listen to this interview and be like, wait, what? He's not? Yeah. That's true.
A lot of people, no, South African. A lot of people, they were telling me that during the Masters, when they were doing a behind-the-scenes thing with you or they were discussing you, they were shocked and they lost bets with their friends because they were hanging out.'re like no he's from south africa no he's not he's literally yeah it's actually funny yeah bruce kipka say it one time bruce kipka yeah yeah it rolls on the side what's more difficult to do hit a shot from 150 yards with a little bit of english roll it to within a couple feet of the pin at a normal U.S.
course,

or hit one at a Lynx course that lands 30 yards short of the green

and runs up to within five feet?

Great question.

That is actually difficult.

Great question.

I'm going to go Lynx.

It's way harder.

Yeah.

Once you get that ball on the ground, I can go anywhere.

Have you ever won a British Open?

Not yet.

You scared?

No, very scared.

Very scared.

Of Lynx golf?

Can you tell? Yeah. At what point in your career do you think you'll have all four majors? Guarantee it.
Guarantee it? Yeah. I'm trying to figure out when the next time we play St.
Andrews, because I will win one at St. Andrews.
I know that. Okay.
Put that on the record. So, actually, let's bring this up.
The Branlon Chambly guy. I't even know his name branlon chambly sounds good uh he he just goes after you he's relentless oh yeah he went after you for your for your diet he's a golf writer i i guess uh and he also said that tiger's back and the only two guys that can beat him are dustin and rory just completely forgetting about the fact that you've won like three of the last whatever eight majors or whatever it may be.
So what do you say to him? Haters like him. Guy's a mush, man.
That's all I can say. I don't know what else to say.
Do you think he's got something out for you? It feels that way. I don't know.
I guess so. He must have.
Has he ever tried to interview you and you've just like stood him up? No, I've actually tried to go on set with him, but he keeps turning me down. Really? Yeah.
He must think you're South African. Yeah, he must.
That's what he's got against me. He's still got to grasp for the whole apartheid thing.
He's like, I can't have that content on my show. Listen, hey, look, Branlon Chambly, I don't like your name because it's hard to say.
Exactly. You can't do the E.
It might be harder to say than mine. Yeah, you can't do the E ending, E ending.
It's like, did I screw this up? Brandlin Chambly? I think you might be coming on a little too strong, though. Like the fact that you're reaching out to him multiple times.
No, no, I only reach out once. Hey, can I come on your show? I only reach out once.
I'll only do it if Brandl does it. Don't invite yourself onto another man's podcast.
Okay, Brandl, sorry. I'm writing that you.
Yeah. Maybe just say, I don't want to go on your show anymore

and see if he'll come crawling to you.

Like, if you love something,

set it free.

If it returns,

it was meant to be.

True.

We'll have him on part of my take

and we'll grill him.

We will.

I love it.

That's how we do it.

I read that you beat your dad

in a club championship

when you were 13 years old.

We really bringing Bob into this?

Ooh.

Did he already hate you before that? Yeah definitely yeah because he definitely does not that's kind of my brother yeah yeah no you had to i think i won like a parking space and he was all pissed off he couldn't drive his car in there anymore yeah you didn't have a license i didn't have a license so what are you gonna put a bike rack that's crazy to me like how many other people did you beat that day i don't know maybe there's 10 12 i don't know wasn't that many they must have all hated you yeah i'm sure they did so you got into golf shows up yeah you got into golf because you broke your nose when you're 10 right yeah so how's the story go so i was in a car accident and for whatever reason the lady that was driving the nanny whatever ran the red light just going 45 50 t-bone this lady i my brother was in the back seat um i was in the front and drilled my face against the dashboard it was pretty good pretty much broke everything in my face so that wasn't good um and then just couldn't play contact sports for a little bit for like a whole year.

And I was like, all right, I'm done with hockey.

I'm going to take golf seriously, keep playing baseball.

And then when I figured out I wasn't good at baseball, just kept playing golf.

So have you given that nanny like a commission off any of these big checks?

I probably should.

You absolutely should.

I probably should.

I actually don't even know.

I haven't talked to her in maybe, what, 20 years?

What's interesting.

We need to do it.

E60. Like you give it back.
You're like, hey, thanks for being such a shitty driver. You made me a champion.
Exactly. She's probably got a little bit of residual guilt from that accident.
She was driving a car and got the two kids that she was supposed to be looking after injured. She might not even know to this day what she does.
The spin that she – like the tiny little effect, the butterfly effect she had in that intersection ended up changing people's lives for the better. Never looked at it that way.
She would like to hear from you. Did your parents fire her? I think so.
I want to say so, yeah. Little did they know what was going to happen later.
This is a good lesson for all of us. Never fire anybody for doing something incompetent it might never know really good 20 years yes exactly yes um were you mad that uh tiger looking at your girlfriend became a meme yeah you guys put on a shirt didn't you i think yeah i didn't know for the residuals on that one that sounds like what was that what was going through your head after that i mean it was it's it sucks because, the way it works, like if you just look like the perfect example is PJ.

You can pause TV.

Right.

PJ Tucker throwing his warmups on the ball boy and everyone flipped out.

It's like, dude, they have a running joke.

We just took something out of context.

But that was a hell of an out of context moment.

It was funny.

Yeah.

It was quite funny.

Okay.

I think she was a little pissed off about it.

Yeah.

She's big fans, but that's all good. It's sorry.
I thought it was funny. Yeah.
It was quite funny. Okay.
I think she was a little pissed off about it. Yeah.
I think she's big fans, but it's all good. It's fair.
I thought it was funny. Yeah.
That's on us. Are you a big Rick Riley fan? Not really.
Okay. Well, I've taken the liberty of pulling some quotes from an article that he wrote about you last year.
So Rick Riley has a way with words. He is so good at description.
He makes Jane Austen look like a 10-year-old with a head injury. So so this is what he said about you he said um no matter how many trophies he stuffs in his car truck people look at brooks kepka and think hey is that the guy who moved my piano have you ever moved a piano yeah no is it something that you think you'd you've ever been mistaken for maybe a piano mover yeah maybe there guy on the street.
Okay, here's another one. Thick as a vault door, Koepka looks like the guy who comes to repo your boat.
That's pretty good, right? That is pretty good. Do you ever think about that? Being a repo man? Repo man? Yeah.
I watched that repo show. There was a repo show.
It was great. When he found out.
Don't do it. What are we about to say? He's going to ruin...
It was all staged. Yeah, I know.
It was staged, yeah. Because when I found out, it fucking ruined me for like two years.
No, I know. It ruined me for a little bit, yeah.
Oh, my God. It was brutal.
But it was still awesome to watch. Yeah, but like...
At the time, I was thinking it was real, and then you get back and you're like, oh, shit. Someone broke it to me.
I was like, okay, well, there goes like the last three years of my life. Yeah, exactly.
That and the Lizard Lick towing thing it's just people taking other people's shit i can't deal when that happens yeah people break those two things to me one last one here from from old rick his chest is like a beer keg and his arms like church organ pipes does that describe you do you think sure okay i don't even know what church organ pipes are i really don't even know what to put i think the whole premise of this is that rick riley thinks you're hot yeah you are hot so that's actually that's a big fault of yours is that rick riley loves you do you think there's some residual hate on the tour because you are good looking absolutely like i said it's no it is because like uh when when Jordan speed takes off his hat, you're like, ha, that bald guy. Like when tiger does it, you're like, oh, that's fine.
Phil's just the average man's got some tits. Like you come out there looking awesome.
You got your muscles pumping and all this shit. It's too much.
Yeah. You need to tone it back.
Shave some male pattern baldness. I know.
I know. Do something with it.
You don't have the sick golfer's too much. Yeah.
I'll tone it back. Shave some male pattern baldness in your head.

I know. It's not a bad idea.

Just do something with it.

You don't have the sick golfer's forehead tan either,

the one that's just like a white stripe across the top.

You see the one that's like Stewart Sink.

Stewart Sink.

Yeah, that's my favorite.

Famous one, yeah.

Is that why you grow those weird bangs to cover that up?

Ooh, there you go.

Got them there.

Yeah.

You know what?

Your bangs are pissing me off.

Hey, Brooks, 2004 Alabama high school football call.

They want their fucking hairstyle back, dude.

You do have the Bama Swoop for an FSU guy.

I do, I do.

I know.

I'm getting it cut tomorrow.

The guy's coming tomorrow.

Well, now you're going to have the weird dish coming tomorrow.

He's coming tomorrow.

Oh, wow.

Damn.

So I'll be fresh.

What did you mean when you said, I don't eat steaks in the States?

So I knew this was going to be brought up. So there's this place in Japan we go to every year.
We've been there, and it's this Miyazaki beef. Okay.
It is the best steak ever. I've got a bunch of it at my house.
They shipped it over after I won. Literally, I could eat 20-some ounces of it.
I mean, we racked up a nice bill every night. It's like 500 bucks for like a couple of pieces, like two ounces.
Damn. And it is unbelievable.
And it's just ruined it. So you can't use your normal steak.
Yeah, I just don't eat steak that much. Over there, I mean, I literally pig out for a week.
I probably gained 10 pounds. How much did you get shipped back? What's up? How much did you get shipped back? Oh, they shipped, I don't know.
They shipped a whole cow. Damn.
Like literally a whole cow showed up in my house. I had to have someone come butcher the thing.
Wait, it was alive when it got to your house? No, no. It was dead.
It was just all packaged up. Literally like the carcass of it.
And the guy had to bring it to Publix or something to chop it up. That's so funny that you get the most expensive cow in the world shipped to your front door.
And then you have to take it down the street to Publix in between them making a mac and cheese sub for somebody. Publix are good.
We know your Florida trash. We know that.
Everyone loves Publix. Publix is good.
Their chicken finger sub is very good. But literally, somebody massages this cow for years and drinks beer.
I think I've heard of these cows. It's a little excessive, but I guess that ruins like your usual, you know, like little New York strip at Applebee's.
Yeah. It's ruined my taste for Applebee's.
All these out back. Can't do that anymore.
I also heard that you love to watch us lose gambling. Yes.
Nothing better than getting your heart ripped out. You're such a jerk.
So when we live stream and we're just dying, you're watching laughing at us.

Yes.

Literally dying.

I mean, it's always a sweat, isn't it?

Oh, my God.

There's nothing worse.

That's why you end up watching all the West Coast games.

I know more about all the West Coast games.

Oh, yeah.

All those games because you're up so really late watching them.

Yes.

Making a sweat.

Literally getting your heart ripped out.

It's great.

Yeah. Where do you live in Florida? In Jupiter.
Oh, interesting. them.
Yes. Making a sweat.
Literally getting your heart ripped out. It's great.
Yeah.

Where do you live in Florida?

In Jupiter.

Oh, interesting.

Interesting.

Huh.

Yeah.

Just like everybody else.

No, not everyone else.

Not everyone.

I know.

I'm thinking about one guy.

I know a few people.

Yeah.

Okay.

I'm just going to write that down.

Okay.

I'm going to star it.

Write it down.

We're talking a lot about a cow that got massaged earlier.

I actually already wrote it down.

I sent that one up. Okay.
It says Jupiter. Yeah, I had the same question.
You want to see? Okay. Mine's thinking like...
Yeah, it says right here, Jupiter, interesting. Yes.
That's it right there. Yeah, very interesting.
You can double check that. Jupiter.
How nervous do you get for real, though, like at the end of a tournament when you know that it's crunch time? Are you just the same guy? Yeah. What's the point of getting nervous? I't i don't know what to do what are you supposed to do though like that's where you want to be right yeah i get nervous yeah well like yeah if you if i'm gambling i'd be sweating everything right literally but you are gambling though you're gambling every single putt is worth hundreds of thousands of dollars at some point right yeah i mean i never mean, I never thought about it that way.
Every place. Wow.
What if we just ruined the road? Every shot. Yeah.
You just ruined my career. Every shot I dropped now.
I'm just thinking about millions of dollars going down the tubes. That never goes through your mind? No.
Like if I go from fourth to seventh, that's like $300,000. I've lost a shit ton of money then.
Yeah. Yeah.
On late putts. Yeah.
You're like, fuck it. I just want to go to the clubhouse.
I've never thought about that, but there's a lot of money out there. Yeah.
You just found my weakness right there. Oh, shit.
I forgot that I paid money to win these tournaments. I'm also rooting for PFT to have broken you.
Are you serious when you say that you think Tiger Woods coming back is really good for you personally? Yeah, absolutely. It's good for everybody.
You're not scared? No. everybody aren't you're not scared no i mean we're not fighting yeah he's not about to knock my brains out yeah i'd be scared if we just you know squared if he'd squared up and i wasn't ready i so i i not joking for a second i i agree that if i was a golfer on the pga tour i'd be excited because you know one he's a guy that i looked up to growing up it's cool to play against a guy compete against a guy like that but i also think that after a couple years if tiger is able to remain back for this long you're gonna be like god damn it you know all anybody talks about is tiger woods and he keeps winning and then it's a bunch of us as also rands finishing behind him at that point you have to admit you'd be pissed off weren't you yeah a little bit yeah i mean you want them to be good just not that good you know what i mean yeah not winning everything but okay we got a headline back yeah it is i mean it's crazy how good in tiger's absence how many young good players there are yeah i feel like that's maybe why you don't get as much love is because you came about just after that like ricky jordan speed dustin johnson phase yeah and then you emerged in 2017 although you won the rider cup the year before correct yeah but i think maybe that's that's why people yeah you're saying that's why the brandle chamblies brandley chamblies whatever his name is of the world they're hating you yeah that's exactly what it is uh crack the code um let's do fixing golf so why do think golf – like what do you think golf needs to improve on to get better? Like in terms of audience.
You're out there for five and a half hours. I mean, how bad is that? Nobody wants to spend five and a half hours out there.
Yeah. I mean, unless you're like getting away from your wife or like trying to get away.
Right. You know, that would be great.
But other than that. So how do you speed up the game? Literally, I would just make it like 15 holes, 14 holes.
I like that a lot. I like that too.
Because then you get to go in the 19th hole a little bit quicker. Yes.
And I always get to like 11 and I'm like, this is. It gets boring from like hole 5 to 12.
You're just like, where am I right now? You are bored during a tournament? Yeah. 5 through 12? Yeah.
I literally can't tell you what happened during those holes. You kind of of like black out you're like oh yes everything's repetitive it's it's true though because when you golf there is like the first three holes where you're like okay i feel good today and then like right around 14 you're like all right i got a few left yeah exactly and then anything in between it's just whatever can i get a hot dog after nine yeah exactly you're just looking's just looking at everybody getting drunk.
What about using a cart?

I'd love to use a cart.

How great would that be?

That would be sick, having people driving cars.

Daly's using a cart this week.

Did you see that?

How awesome is that?

Yeah, that is pretty.

He's just commandeered the beer cart.

Yeah.

Just kicked the girl out.

He's like, I got this.

So what can they do to make it better for the audience?

What was your exact quote?

That golf is not fun enough?

Yeah. Golf fun? Golf sucks, is what he said, according to me.
the audience like what because you did what was your exact quote that golf is not fun enough or yeah golf sucks yeah yeah it's just like how unathletic do we look when we're dropping from our knees have you seen that what oh yeah when you when you're when you hit one out of bounds yeah when you're dropping from your knees you look unathletic it's just yeah it's just a bad look okay why do you guys wear cleats i don't wear the spikes like i have like the soft spikes you talking about like the metal ones yeah yeah guys wear the metal ones i have no idea why yeah i think it's just to hear like the click clack when they're walking over concrete i think it's to make them feel like athletes it's like i gotta put on my special athletic shoes to go play golf yeah exactly i mean i don't think you're far off there at all yeah yeah um all right well here's one of my ideas. You know what a cannonball is? It's where you smoke a J, and then you inhale, and then you chug a beer, and then you exhale after you chug the beer.
Do that before every hole. That would be great television.
Great television. Great television.
I have one that's pretty similar. Maybe more doable.
I don't want to poo-poo your idea. I think it's great uh but every time you make a birdie you have to shotgun a beer that works so another great great idea for tv i love that yeah it's like naturally who lasts the longest there it's like when you race somebody in mario kart if they're like super far ahead of you the computer slows them down to make it more competitive yes this way the people that are tearing up the scoreboard they get drunker by the end of the round so you have an opportunity to catch him so what you're saying is i get i'd have to practice a lot at home yeah yes yes what about every single guy has uh so you have a caddy but you also have a shot blocker and he can stand around the the green and he can't he can't grab the ball so he can't catch the ball but he can open hand slap it in just like the tiger's group every time what do Yeah.
He's got like thousands of people around the thing. Oh, he's got the backboard.
Yeah, so you kind of hit it in the stands. You're not really going to say anything because the people are there.
It goes right off. Tiger's already got that.
All right, how about everyone wears shorts? Great idea. I mean, you can see like the unathleticism in some of these guys when you're out there.
I mean, it's entertaining to look at yeah sometimes maybe i mean and everybody's legs are so white too right it's like out of balance posts so we can now finally start making fun of you for something yes chicken old chicken legs yeah exactly no point in doing legs we started wearing shorts i might have to start doing legs you actually don't do leg day no i do leg day it's just of course you do yeah yeah i know you're just you're trying to be self-deprecating you're not good at self-deprecating that's a flaw how important are your hips i guess yeah i guess they're important yeah yep yeah that's a good answer um i've always just in life yeah i've always wondered about golf announcers trying to discuss people's swings and what the problem with them is and where sometimes a swing goes wrong. I'm convinced that they just make up terms.
And if you watch his hips release over the top a little bit slowly, it's like that doesn't make any sense. What you just said doesn't make sense.
Have you ever heard an announcer critique your swing? I've never heard anybody actually critique it. It would be interesting, though.
I think, I don't know, they've got a lot of hours of TV time they've they got to fill so you might as well talk about something now watch how your foot backs down and comes out from underneath they'll just like make up shit off the top of their head yeah i mean i don't know it's it's one of those things where i think you can kind of make up and be like oh this guy's swing isn't perfect we'll just say this and right yeah all right real question about your swing i read that book on tiger and it seemed like every like few years you just completely remake his swing yeah go from scratch have you done that no so you just do i literally have two swing thoughts and that's it i just hit it and go that's the thoughts yeah hit it and go yeah literally just keep it short and swing it hard i think that's it i think what we found is we found the blake portles of golf. Yeah.
I don't know. I haven't tested.
No, you are a normal guy who plays golf really, really well. Yeah.
Blake is a normal guy who's an exceptional quarterback. Yeah, exactly.
You're right. I like that.
I like that comparison. So when you're hitting a shot, obviously you have different shots in your bag.
You hit a draw, you hit a fade, right? I'm guessing. Yeah.
You hit a both, yeah. I mean, I just try to stick to one because I know what I'm doing on one of them.
But when you get up there and you're like, okay, which one's better for you? I fade it, yeah. I hit it left to right.
Okay, so you get up there and you're trying to fade it. You just think hit and go? Or do you have to walk yourself through the process and think, okay, I have to aim there? There's no thought process.
It's just like aim left and just swing hard and it'll come back to wherever you want it your caddy's just like aim at that thing and then you do that thing yeah it'll just be like finish it there okay i'll try i mean they're gonna one or two things gonna happen it's either there is not so right it's either gonna be really good or bad so i mean yeah i'm just starting because i feel like maybe we haven't interviewed enough golfers but they have like all these technical like oh this is what i'm trying to do on this shot but you're just like i'm just up there just yeah what's the point of thinking of something else i think i figured you out i think you just you don't like golf very much and so you're always just like i want to get the fuck off this course in the least amount of time possible so i'm just going to take i'm going to take a very amount of strokes and get home. Yeah, exactly.
That's a good way to put it. And sometimes win the tournament.
Yeah, occasionally. Yeah, then you have to stick around and collect a check.
It's a whole big thing. Yeah.
Yeah, that's probably a pain in the ass. You just want to get to the bar.
You want to get to Paris. What's your go-to get the ball out of the cup? Do you go one leg or do you go like – I don't know.
I never actually thought about it. And then – I think I go same arm, same leg.
I think it looks really – It looks awkward when guys like they're standing on their left leg and pick it out of like the right arm or something like that. Here's something to make golf fun.
You get on all fours and you just crawl up to it like a dog and then you pick it out and you go, hey, look at that. Boom.
Could do that. Every single time.
This week? Yeah, people are like, Brooks Kapka, he really leaving it all out on the field because you've got grass stains all over your legs. It could be a new look.
Yes. Mom said don't come home with a clean uniform on.
Yes. That will get people talking.
I'm just trying to get people talking about golf some more. I hear you.
Yeah. I like it.
Just go up like a dog and lift your leg on the pin. Just pretend to take a leak on it.
That'd be cool, too. I have one suggestion here for making golf cool.
Walk-up music for all your shots. Yeah, they're doing that at one of them.
Really? Yeah, I just haven't. The one in New Orleans, they do it.
That's good. Yes, I like that.
What would you do a walk-up song, Dave? Right now? Be something Migos. Pure Water, maybe? Yeah.
Okay. That's not a great title for a golf shot.
Yeah. Yeah.
That's true. I didn't think about that.
Yeah. You live in the water.
Probably some more thought. Yeah.
All right. Yeah.
I mean, you do live in the water from that Masters 12th hole. Yes.
People remember. My last make golf fun is whoever you're playing with, if they can fart, they're allowed to fart in your backswing.
I think that happens probably more than you think. Really? Yes.
You never heard any like the hot mics or anything like that? Do you guys do it on purpose? I don't know if in the middle of the swing, but you'd be over it and you can hear something go and you're like, oh boy. I'm talking like you can like now we have guys deliberately eating chili the night before just so they can mess with the guy they're playing with it could be a lot less white pants on the

golf course right adds a whole element like basically makes golf like you know the regular

schmucks that are going out there yeah you know tell a few relatable very relatable exactly relatable

and then start drinking everyone should be able to drink during it and then that way

if you start sucking you can just blame the fact that you drank too much that's what i do get

bloated yeah right i'm just like i can't swing anymore i'm too drunk i'm done i'll sit in the cart yeah because we get carts now right shame everyone else for not drinking enough yeah what did you mean when you said if you can fart then well sometimes you don't have a fart oh if you don't have a yeah right right you can't do like yeah yeah you can push it out or it's right exactly okay yeah i like that too because then you add in the smell element. Smell element.
You'll know exactly which way the wind's blowing in. It's an advantage.
It could be an advantage. You know which way the wind's going.
And the element of when do you use it? Because if you use it every single hole, the guy's going to get used to it. Do you save it up for the 18th hole? Do you save it up for a shot when he's...
There's actually more pressure on when you would fart. Right the timing of it now the mental game gets a little yeah cumbersome yeah on everyone's gamesmanship i love it what's your favorite hole hole oh great question be careful yeah i'll tell you mine i was thinking about that uh oh i think number two yeah no seriously what's your favorite hole? I don't know.
It's definitely not 12 at Augusta. But you've got to get back on that horse.
Yeah, I know. I'm waiting for next year.
How much is there like to learn, kind of a technical question here, like you just leave that to your caddy, or is there a lot that you have to learn about the course too? I'll just let my cad his thing he'll figure out where the lines are where the best place to leave it so when i get there all i gotta figure out is where the pin locations are so once i know where to he knows where the ball should be where it should end up off the tee and then from there i take care of the rest you just gotta hit it and go home yeah you make it seem so simple yeah well it is get it we make it gonna be good or bad is one of two all right my last question, I got the SeatGeek question, promo code TAKE, put it seem so simple. Yeah.
Well, it is. I don't get it.
We make it. It's either going to be good or bad.
It's one or two.

Fuck.

All right.

My last question.

I got the SeatGeek question.

Promo code TAKE.

Put in promo code TAKE.

You get $10 off your SeatGeek purchase.

I think you go to Beth Page Black this weekend.

So you're a Lakers fan, a Packers fan, Florida State football.

Mm-hmm. What is your number one team you want to see them win a championship

that you watch every game?

That's actually really good.

It's a sticky question.

It's always good.

Yeah, I mean, Florida State looks like they're not going to win one for a very long time.

So that's out of the question.

You can drop them.

Lakers?

That's going to be wild.

If Kobe was on the team, yes.

If Kobe was on the team, absolutely.

You think he still could? Yeah, he could come back he could all that talk do you play any other sports no not really it's hard we play softball so I've gone out and played softball do you hit dingers try to you might as well my question, do you hit dingers? Yes. Not as many now that you lost all that weight, though.
I know. Yeah, see? Couldn't hit home runs.
Sucks. Gotta gain that power base back.
I know. What do you eat when you try to regain all that weight now that you're all skin and bones? I was on like a good five guys diet, pizza.
I was dying for that for like four months. That's all I wanted.
Why did you do it? I still don't understand. You actually did it just for the pictures?

Yeah. I just, yeah.

Why not?

Why wouldn't you? You want to look hot in the pictures.

Yeah. You were just outside with just Rick Riley

thinking you were super hot? You wanted

normal women to think that you were hot?

Might as well give it a shot, no?

Everyone in the world thinks you're hot.

Don't hog at all.

Yeah.

I'd rather just have Rick Riley and nobody else. Might as well give it a shot, no? Everyone in the world thinks you're hot.
Don't hog it all. Yeah.
Say something for the rest of us.

I'd rather just have Rick Riley and nobody else.

Yes.

For me, it's like...

Just be the people of Rick.

Yeah.

At that point, you've made it.

Yeah.

All right.

Well, this has been awesome.

Yeah.

I'm looking forward to hearing that's Gucci, bro.

Yes.

And you have to say bra.

Not bra.

Yeah, no.

Yeah, no.

It's always been a bra.

Yeah.

Yeah.

Oh, we did have one last thing. You went on a double date.
Not bra. Yeah, no.
Yeah, no. It's always been a bra.
Yeah. Oh, we did have one last thing.

You went on a double date with our boss.

Oh, yes.

Yes.

I heard that you were kind of a wet blanket.

Okay.

Hold on.

So my question is to you, what would you consider a double date?

One of you is – no.

I think a double date is two couples.

Yeah, I think one of you has to – yeah, wait.

It's just two couples. Was it two couples or was it two – That's my point.
It was never a double date is two couples. Yeah, I think one of you has to.
Yeah, wait. It's just two couples.
Was it two couples or was it two random? That's my point. It was never a double date.
Okay. Because there was like six, seven, eight people there.
Oh. So I wouldn't consider that a double date.
No, it's not. No, that's a group date.
Yeah, I mean, I could have been a wet blanket. I don't know.
Right. That's just a bunch of people hanging out.
Yeah, I think we just went to the bar to meet him. It was also before you won anything.
Yeah, so I was a nobody. So to him, you were nobody.
Yeah, exactly. Yeah, that's how he operated.
Also, Dave would be the worst person of all time to go on a double date with. That's awful.
He would just talk about himself. But in his defense, were you a wet blanket that night? I probably was.
I don't remember. I don't really remember that part of it.
So there's a good chance I was. So you're blacked out.
Yeah. But I didn't think we were on a double date.
Okay. For the record.
That's fair. Well, this has been our interview with Brooks Koepka, the coolest guy on the tour.
Blake Bortles of the BGA Tour. I love that.
All right. I hope when we stop recording, he goes and kicks a puppy or something.
Yeah. What the fuck? This guy.
What did they hate this guy? I love it. All right.
Thanks, Brooks. Yeah.
Thanks, boys. We're going to get right back to the show.
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All right, back to part of my take. Okay, let's get to some segments.
Before we do that, just a reminder. Anna Kendrick follows me on Twitter.
Nope. Grit Week, SoCal.
Look, I mean, you can be jealous. It's fine.
It was a funny joke. Yeah, no, it's fine.
You're jealous. It's fine.
That's fine. Yeah, she follows me on Twitter.
She probably loves my fire tweets. She probably loved that Kevin White joke I just threw out there.
We have Grit Week, Southern California, coming up next week. We're going to be out there.
We're going to be interviewing people. If you have someone that you think would be great on the show, hit us up.
We should also mention that we will not be interviewing Bill Walton this time. He has gotten back to us, and he said, Thank you guys for your kindness and my life.
You guys are amazing. You have an incredible audience.
I still get more positive and interesting comments, feedback from your show than from almost any other thing I have ever done in my life. Please, I am sadly ricocheting through the universe on the business road through Memorial Day.
Hopefully next time you're back through the promised land, shine on, dream on, build on, carry on, Bill Walton. Shine on, dream on, carry on.
We just put that quote on the side of the van. The best part is the please I'm sadly ricocheting through the universe on the business road.
That means he's just biking into Arizona and smoking peyote for three weeks. He's so mad that he has to do like a Verizon commercial.
Oh, man. We're going to miss you, Bill.
We are. We are.
And there's still probably like a five percent chance we somehow get you well if we drive down to tijuana there's probably a 50 chance that we run right we just we if we're in when we get in our bus which is an old rickety bus he will definitely see it and be like you old souls you oh he's gonna like if he knew the type of van that we're getting out there yes yes all right we'll hit him up. Yeah, you're right.
You're right. We'll get it.
That's a good point. Send him a picture of the van.
Yeah. Be like, hey, you like this? Yeah.
And he's going to nut. He's like, what? You didn't tell me that.
I actually have no business. Bachelorette talk.
For guys who don't watch The Bachelorette, except for Hank, who watches it every single week. It was on last night.
I walked in. My girlfriend was watching it.
Oh, really? It's tough to watch. It's tough.
It's tough. Anyway.
You seem like it when you're firing off tweets left and right about it. Hannah B., who I'm sure you guys remember from last season.
Of course. Super annoying.
She sent a guy home because he had another girlfriend at home that he ended things with. Is this the first episode? Yeah.
So it's just the introductions to the guys to the guys and boom the guy's gone so she sent him home because he broke up with a girl to meet her it came out that he had a girlfriend that he was talking to on monday and then she was like do you have a girlfriend he's like yeah but i broke up with her on monday i'm here for you and she was like well you know we're looking for like an engagement i don't think you're that committed if you just broke up with your girlfriend monday actually spin zone he's probably the most committed now do they ask the guys if they're war criminals no i don't think so that would be something it's just whether you your girlfriend if pashar al-assad turns up on on the bachelorette yeah he's like what have you ever mustard gas yeah but then he gets kicked off because they're conflicting reports yeah he gets kicked off because he actually is still in love with his ex but then she spent like a good hour and a half crying over that guy being so like you know she lost trust in him and so the other guys are mad because they lost all the one-on-one time with her oh no uh there's a guy whose name is john paul jones who only wants to be referred to as john paul jones his profession is listed under john paul jones yeah yeah he's either the base player for led zeppelin or he is a colonial ship captain. I have not yet begun to fight.
And then Mateo has 114 kids because that's how many times he's donated sperm. That's a hilarious joke by Mateo.
That's a hell of a ratio to like he's firing bullets. Wait, he hasn't missed at all.
Oh, I thought he was talking about like jerking off or like putting it, you know, like pulling out. He's talking about he actually donated sperm? Mateo.
He must have great genes. He's just giving it out there.
That's going to be so weird. Well, they'll take anybody's sperm these days.
You think so? Yeah. I don't know.
Guys are just more protective of her sperm than we have been in the past. Someone should make a movie about a guy that has to go meet all his sperm donor kids.
Are you saying, why are you looking at us? I'm just kidding. There's a Vince Vaughn movie out.
Oh. I was like, is there something PFT hasn't told me? He's got 1,700 kids running around.
I don't know. I mean, it's a possibility.
I looked into donating sperm when I was in college. I was a blood plasma guy myself.
I needed to get the gambling debts paid off. I did that.
It was about like 20 bucks a pop. Sperm was more expensive.

Sperm was a hefty $50 price tag.

But it's kind of a fucked up thing.

It'll be like,

this could be a kid somewhere.

Yeah, I just felt dirty

because it was like

I was prostituting myself to myself.

Right.

I was paying myself $50 to jerk myself off.

Right, it takes the love out of masturbation.

Exactly.

I don't want to lose that.

I don't want to lose that.

Number one love for every guy.

Is that it? Mm-hmm. So what would you say, Hank? What would you grade the first episode? I'm not a Hannah B fan whatsoever.
So I would grade it like a C. Okay.
Season's going to be tough. Are there any quasi-celebrities? If you're the Bachelorette and you cry over the first guy, it's like you're the Bachelorette.
You have 30 guys. One guy fucks you over.
You're supposed like kick him to the curb and move on and she was like crying as if she was on the bachelor still okay so so are there any not that i watched it are there any like former collegiate athletes or random internet celebrities or anything like that that are in this cast any virgins no i these are just the notes i got i literally watched it for like 10 minutes okay okay got it. Got it.
Thanks, Hank. Thanks.
All right, we have Locker Room Talk. PFT, what's this one? You get mad at me for watching the show, and then I say, don't watch the show, and then I read the notes.
No, we just want you to live your truth. You walked us through it.
That's fine. Live your best life.
Hank, I thought that was great. Be your inner Hannah B.
Hannah B. Hannah B.
She went to Alabama. She says Roll Tide.
There was probably 10,000 roll tides. Oh, so she actually does want to get married.
Yeah. Yeah.
Okay. Locker room talk.
Some Navy pilots. This was a while ago, but the transcripts have just come out.
Some Navy pilots got in hot water because they drew a big sky dick in the air. They use, you know, is that bad? No, well, apparently it is to some people, but the transcript came out, and it is pretty fucking funny.
So here it is. I'm going to try to do pilot voice for it.
What's pilot voice like? We got a bogey coming in on the six. PFT, come in, PFT.
Here we go. You should totally try to draw a penis.
Over. I could definitely draw one.
That'd be easy. I could basically draw a figure eight and turn around and come back.
I'm going to go down and grab some speed and hopefully get out of the contrail there so they're not connected to each other. Now you're doing your ASMR voice.
Get jerk off to your voice. Dude, that would be so funny.

An airliner is coming back on the way into Seattle, just this big fucking giant penis.

We could almost draw a vein down the middle of it, too.

PFT, you're doing your Velveeta voice.

Balls are going to be a little lopsided.

Balls are complete.

Over.

I just got to navigate a little bit over here for the shaft.

Which way is the shaft going?

The shaft will go to the left. Over.
It's going to be wide shaft over and out i mean you should be allowed to do that yeah you should absolutely who's to say what is a penis and what isn't they could be talking about anything that should be the end of the air and water show in chicago every year she's a big fucking dick just sitting up in the sky yeah why not do it for is just anatomy class. Yeah.
Yeah. It's nature.
If Banksy did it, we'd be calling the entire sky just a giant pallet. Is Banksy still alive? No, he's dead.
Really? No, I don't know. Who cares about Banksy? I think Banksy's like nine people.
Oh, you're one of those guys. Yeah.
Got it. I don't have a strong thought.
You know what? I'm going to write that down, actually. Develop a strong thought about Banksy.
Yeah. Get a better Banksy take going forward.
I watched Exit to the gift shop. Banksy take going forward.
I liked when he did the paper shredder on that thing. That's my Banksy take.
Every Banksy take is Mickey Mouse in a gas mask, and he's kicking a bunch of poodles down a mountain, and the poodles all say McDonald's on him. Yeah, or it's like a little girl holding a balloon, but the balloon says Exxon Valdez.
Yeah, exactly. And she's buying a lollipop, and the lollipop just says carbon emissions.
And the money that she's paying for it says Hank's mom's money that she spent to take Hank to see Inconvenient Truth. Yeah.
It's like this big entire, you know, it's an oil. It's a bunch of different oil wells.
And then one little rose that pops up in the middle of all of it. And it actually just says capitalism is evil.
That's a Banksy. Banksy has figured out the key to subversive art.
And that's no matter what you're doing, make sure you put a gas mask on it. Yeah mask and little girls in dresses and it's like whoa i never thought of it that way really fucking stuff damn i had a balloon once i'm good with me i'm punk rock now could have been me drawn on the side of a of a you know manchester warehouse that everyone took pictures of i say let the navy pilots draw their dicks yeah i don't know how we got to Banksy, but yeah, I agree.
I agree. Hank, guys on checks? Yes.
We have a connect the dots. Oh, yeah, we have a connect the dots.
Connect the dots. Frank Reich's assistant's house was shot up dozens of times.
Actually, it was shot up, I think, 70 bullets hit the house. Nobody got hurt.
Nobody got injured. I said right away when you told me the story, where's Marvin Harrison? People forget.
Probably killed the guy. Good connect to the guy.
Probably killed the guy. That's one of those ones you're just like, hey, remember when Marvin Harrison probably killed the guy? That's weird that we don't talk about it.
My connect to the dots is that Bill Belichick just got named defensive coordinator of the Patriots today by Bill Belichick. So he has reason to go after Frank Reich.
Why? Why? Yeah. Just because the rivalry's back on.
The rivalry's back on. You forgot about that.
I forgot about that. Or, here's a Rick Riley joke for you.
70 shots and not a single one of them connected. Does anybody have an APB on Kyrie Irving? Nice.
Like two and a half boobs. Yeah, two and a half.

If you had done it last week, I would have given you a full three. Yeah.
When we're in the middle of it, you know? Yeah, but nobody else is bricking shots these days. Right.
Exactly. Steph Curry's back.
Boy, I'm happy I never said that he sucked. Nope.
Nope. We've long been Steph Curry fans.
Always. Forever.
Skinny legs, though. Yeah.
Chews on his mouth guard too much. Hank, guys on chicks.
Should I be mad at my boyfriend for not videoing me walk across the stage at my nursing school graduation?

He didn't even see me walk because he was too engulfed in the hockey game he was watching on his phone.

No.

Nursing school, that means it's probably your second graduation, right?

Yeah.

So you probably already had a degree?

Maybe if you were a doctor. That's mean.
No, that's mean. Nurses actually do most of the work.
They do. They do all the work.
The doctor just comes in, writes on a fucking chart, and says, all right, take these pills, and I'll see you in a month. You think a doctor ever gives a guy a sponge bath? No, nurses are the unsung heroes.
They have to do the dirty work. Yeah, you could be mad at him, but don't be mad at him for too long because it's the cup.
Hey, Thick Cap, my boyfriend never picks a seat up when he pees and misses the commode. Neither do I.
Every time. The what? Wait, misses the what? The commode.
The commode? The commode. Who is that? It's a toilet.
Word for toilet. Learn something new every day.
Commode. Commode.
Commode. Two M's.
Yeah, commode commode two m's yeah it's like when you're it's like it's a commode it's like when you're freaking out and someone's like dude just go back to commode well Hank it's like damn it isn't damn mitt but there's an n well some people well if you're if you're blink 182 you just spell D-A-M-M-I-T. Nice tank.
You got us on that one. How can I prevent this disaster or help him learn from his mistakes? What were we even talking about? Oh, he pisses on the seat? Yeah, I think just tell him to pee sitting down.
Yeah. Or just tell him to wipe it.
I mean, I don't lift the seat. I usually am like 50-50, but I'll wipe it if I don't.
I've got exceptional aim, so i don't really have an issue with that yeah um yeah just here's the thing if you try to change them on the small this is one of those small habits that you're never going to be able to break them it's like having an old dog that's already been taught a certain way to do things where to use the bathroom he's too late in in life right now so if you push him hard in one direction he's actually going to get more inaccurate and just start peeing on other stuff that you don't want to pee. Right.
And think about it this way. If he puts a seat up, he's going to forget to put it back down.
And then you're going to sit in the toilet someday. Like you're going to go to the bathroom in the middle of the night.
You're going to sit right in that fucking toilet water. So think about it that way.
Do you guys ever do the thing where you try to time the flush?

I do that all the time.

Oh, towards the end?

I always mess it up.

I always have the bowl refill and I'm still going.

Yeah.

And I'm like, well, how hydrated am I?

Are people going to be able to tell that there's pee in here?

It's thrilling, though, when you get a perfectly timed flush and you're like, that was the most efficient I will ever be in my entire life when I time that flush.

It is great. It's the small things in life.

Another small thing that's great is when urinals have ice cubes and you piss them all away. The best.
The best. We told John Taffer about that.
The best. Hey, guys, especially Henry.
I've heard that guys love their prostate massage during sex. However, I don't know where that muscle is or the best way to do it.
Can you give me some pointers? I don't know if it's a muscle. Is the prostate a muscle? I think it's the G-spot.
Yeah. It's the G-spot for guys, so it doesn't exist.
That's true. Prostate.
I think it's in your butt, so yeah. Hank just gave me a real look there.
Hank's serving looks. So I think it's just fingers up your butt, really far up your butt.
I don't think guys like that. I'm going to say it right now.
I think some guys do. Okay.
The best way to find out if he likes it or not is to do it by surprise one time. Yeah.
When he's not thinking. Right after you've had a big meal.
Yeah, because if you ask him if he likes it, he's probably just going to be like, no, no, I'm not into that. I'm going to do that.
Dude, don't put up my butt. It's an out hole.
It's where the poop goes. right.
But if you just do it, then he has no choice but to either scream in pain or ejaculate.

And you're going to know instantaneously if he likes it or not.

All right, last one.

My girlfriend has some manly qualities.

There's a guys on guys.

But my girlfriend has some manly qualities, and the sex change snap filter makes her look even more girly.

Should she be offended?

Whoa.

Or should I be offended? I think you need to be pissed off at silicon valley you need to sue snapchat uh-huh that's good that's got you thinking things that you don't need to be thinking sue snapchat for thinking too much you made me question things i didn't want to question what does she mean by what does he mean by guyish qualities like she has a mustache she can can chug a beer. Full mustache, yeah.

Just tell your girlfriend to shave her mustache.

It's not a big deal.

Oh, actually, last, last one.

Oh, okay.

Yeah.

Bonus.

Go, Hank.

Bonus guys on check.

We've never lasted this long.

Especially Bubby.

I'm two weeks in-

Lili?

Sup?

I'm two weeks in my first internship

in Chicago and just turned 21 last month.

Woo!

What's the rule on hooking up

with coworkers I go back to college in August and just want to have a good summer. Fuck them all.
Yeah, every last one of them. Fuck them all.
No, don't do that. If you, well, depends on what type of internship.
If it's an internship in a job that you actually want to continue, I would say don't. What are you going to say? Nothing.
The biggest thing is. What were you going to say? no oh here's the deal here's the deal sometimes when you're an intern boy we stuck you wish you didn't do this last one hank sometimes when you have an internship you find a guy that you really connect with it turns out he's a sweetheart of a guy you might host not be able to read very well podcast but you know what he can read is your heart yeah so yeah actually you might find love so go for it hank how do you pronounce communications this is hank this is the classic one that like uh calm unication yeah calm mode Com-moonication This is a classic Communication This is a classic situation Like when you're playing

Pick This is the classic one that like... Com-unication.
Yeah. Com-ode.
Com-moonication.

This is the classic...

Com-unication.

This is the classic situation like when you're playing pickup basketball and you're like,

I'm done.

And it was like, let's play one more.

And you get really injured.

Oh, no.

That's what just happened to you.

No, you guys...

You were just like, let's play one more.

You guys are misinterpreting what I was saying.

Oh, okay.

That's all right.

Oh, got it.

Oh, yeah.

One more.

That was our fault.

You just blew out your Achilles playing one more.

Uh-huh.

Love you guys.

Listen.

Love you too, bro.

Oh. I'm talking away.

I don't know what I have to say.

I'll say it in a way.

Today's an update upon you.

Shine it away.

I'm coming for your love again. Shine it away.
I'm coming for your love again. Thank you.
I'm going to be talking to you. Say it to me.
It's a benefit you say you can tell me.

Say it to me.

It's a benefit you say you can tell me. Thank you.
Take off me, I love you Take off me, I love you Take off me, I love you Take off me, I love you Take off me, I love you Take off me, I love you Take off me, I love you It's Pardon My Take, presented by Barstool Sports. We'll be right back.