Ep. #416: Rep. Darrell Issa, Fran Lebowitz

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Welcome to an HBO podcast from the HBO Late Night Series, Real Time with Bill Ma.

You're still here, here, here.

Thank you very much.

Come on.

All right,

thank you, thank you.

Thank you, thank you.

Okay,

all right, let's look at this drive.

Thank you very much.

Please, ladies and gentlemen,

thank you so much.

Thank you.

Wow.

And this was a slow news week.

No, really, this was the first relatively slow news week we've had in the Trump era.

We're We're back to talking about who can pee in what bathroom.

I consider that a small victory.

Yeah, under Obama, of course, he made an order that said the transgender students could pee where they wanted.

Trump, this week, rescinded.

Trump believes men shouldn't be in the same room with women peeing unless you're paying for it.

That's what he believes.

Yes, he feels strongly.

He said, back when I was grabbing pussies,

I was only doing it to check who should be in the right bathroom.

It was a public service.

But it looks like he's lost Caitlin Jenner on this issue.

Yeah, she's very mad at him.

Of course, she's a transgender Republican.

You know, I don't give a...

I don't really give a crap where you crap.

And I fully support the LGBLT, AEIOU,

and sometimes Y movement, but

a transgender Republican, that's just weird.

And

what she said was, President Trump, from one Republican to another, this is a disaster.

I love the self-centeredness of this, where she draws the line.

You know, Bruce Jenner was an idiot.

Adding tits didn't make him a genius.

Really?

Trump's stormtroopers are pulling 16-year-old Mexican kids out of classrooms to send them back to Mexico.

That's okay, but mess with my right to pee?

Shame on you, sir.

Laugh.

Thank you.

Wow, if I'd only known it was that easy.

But yeah, they have changed things.

Now there is the deport first strategy.

Instead of holding an arrestee like they used to do in a deportation center while their case moved through the courts, now we're just going to dump them into Mexico, bringing a whole new chilling meaning to the phrase, where did our waiter disappear to?

Oh, you know.

Yeah, it's all fun until somebody gets hurt.

But people are really getting hurt now.

You know, and they're celebrating this at the CPAC convention this week.

Did you see this CPAC?

That's the conservative convention every year.

Trump spoke at it today.

He did his greatest hits.

You know, fake news, tired of winning, build the wall, lock her up, my crowds are the biggest.

I got to say this for Hitler.

At least he put in a little effort.

You know, I mean,

it wasn't just me, me, me.

The radio is so unfair.

And Trump, I love this.

He said, this is not the first time, you know, he's done this.

He said,

the crowds to see me, the lines go back six blocks.

And then someone posted this picture.

This guy sees more invisible people than the kid from the sixth sense.

And you know, they have a lot of trouble at the Republican Party getting celebrities here to speak at their things.

So they got, I guess Scott Bayo was busy.

They got Robert Davi to talk.

Remember Robert Davi, yeah,

in the twilight of a mediocre career.

He's best known from Showgirls.

Remember Showgirls?

Very camp hit.

This is an exact line.

I think I know why they picked him to speak there.

He said in Showgirls, I swear to God, word for word,

about the strip clubs, he said to a stripper, if they pull out and come all over you, call a bouncer.

Unless they give you a big tip, then it's okay.

The Republican philosophy in a nutshell.

But the scariest thing at Steve Peck was President Steve Bannon saying

he threw open all the cards.

He said Trump's cabinet was selected for a reason, and that is the deconstruction of the administrative state.

Wow.

I'm not sure the word for that is conservative.

I think it's terrorist.

I mean, he is

openly bragging about putting people like Rick Perry, Betsy DeVos, Scott Pruitt into office because they're idiots who will destroy the places they were put there to oversee.

You can't impeach a guy for my plan is to wreck everything.

What if you tried this at Quiznos?

I intend to spit in the sandwiches, steal all the money from the register, and burn the place down.

What do you think?

I mean this

this week they discovered seven Earth-sized planets that could potentially harbor life out there.

I think NASA leaked this to get aliens to invade us.

I do.

And when they do, can you imagine when we have to say to them when they ask, take me to your leader.

Have I shown you the oceans?

Because they are so beautiful at this time of year.

You know, you probably want to freshen up.

You've had a

12 light-year journey.

And then escorting the alien to meet Trump while we lower expectations.

Just so you know, he didn't win the popular vote.

Now,

as for this week's episode of Who Did the President Start Shit With Now,

if you haven't been following, already on the board is Mexico, Australia, the FBI, and Kristen Stewart.

And now Sweden.

You heard about this, Sweden?

What happened was Trump was in Florida on Saturday doing what he loves best, telling angry white people what he saw on TV last night.

It's kind of like when you visit Grandma in the home and

half the time she's talking about relatives you barely know, and half the time about people on the young and the restless, and she gets them confused.

So basically, we're at war with Sweden because, well, we had to, they're harboring Nordstroms.

And how about this?

Future stroke victim Sean Spicer

Said we can look forward to greater enforcement of federal marijuana laws.

No,

that's too far.

No way.

No way I am doing these four years straight.

You can

have my multicolored skull bong when you pry it from my cold, dead hands.

great.

What happened to deconstruction of the administrative state?

Oh, I guess that just applies to stoners.

You know, in one week, they went after LGBT people, Mexican stoners?

That's the entire population of Los Angeles.

All right, we got a great show.

Seth McFarland, Oswinovani, and Senator Angus King are here, and a little later will be speaking with Vanity Fair's friend Leibowitz.

But first up, he is a nine-term U.S.

Representative and senior member of the House Judiciary Committee.

The person who's responsible for all the protesters outside, Congressman Darrell Isis over here.

Congressman.

How are you, sir?

Thank you for coming back.

Oh.

Okay, so there are protesters outside, but last week we had...

Those are my people.

Those are not your people.

Well, they're always there with you.

No, last week we had.

Last week they said there were going to be many protesters protesters for this Milo guy who was on the show, and then no one showed up because it rained.

But this issue that they're upset with you about,

having a town hall.

Now, excuse me, but in 2009, it seems to be when the shoe was on the other foot, the Democrats showed up at the town hall meetings and took the yelling.

And it looks like you Republicans, including you, sir, are just ducking it.

Really?

Well, that's what they're upset about, that you haven't had a town hall.

Well, you know,

we did have town halls in 2009.

Both parties did.

That's when they liked you.

No, no, no, no, no, no.

But no, this is a serious question and deserves a serious answer.

I'm serious.

Town halls are in fact, you sponsor them, you bring people in, it's open to the public.

I had over 14 separate events open to the public in the last two weeks, including one in which several hundred people showed up at my office to protest, and I went out and met with them.

Now, I did.

Outside your office, that seems like a small space for that.

No, it was outside my office.

As a matter of fact, it was outside on both sides of the street for about an acre.

But the reality is that there are not enough town hall meetings.

We have gone to teletown hall.

It definitely is something that needs to be more.

But just so you know, Bill, there was no problem at all in those 90 minutes with the protesters at my office.

There was no problem at all hearing their fears, particularly in two areas.

We've got to get the whole question of immigration and refugees right, and we've got to figure out how to take the fear out of health care reform.

And that's loud and clear.

Well, I think the question that they're asking at the few people who've actually had a real town hall, and I can't wait till the fact-checking comes in on this.

But I think the question they keep asking.

Mine was broadcast on all the televisions.

Okay, all right, maybe.

All right, okay.

I've heard different, but maybe you're right.

But I think what they're saying to the Republicans there is: what is your plan?

And that is an answer they just can't seem to come up with.

What is your plan?

They had years to come up with one.

You know, Obamacare, it keeps going up in its popularity.

It wasn't so popular when it was the only thing on the table.

Now that they see there's nothing better, now people are warming up to it.

What is better?

Well, you know, as you know, Obamacare is a term for two things.

3% of the population that are in the exchanges that are subsidized and the expansion of Medicaid.

The reality is, it's hard to unwind both of them.

What we do know is the exchanges are going up horrendously fast because only sick people are in them.

We've got to fix that.

We do know that the Medicaid expansion is doing a lot of good.

I was at a free clinic, or not a free clinic, but Vista Community Clinic this week, and they do great work.

They've benefited by the expansions, things they can do, including basic dental evaluations and so on.

And just unwinding it to zero cannot be our answer.

So you're not for repeal and replace.

You're for fixing it.

Ultimately, if

my party says repeal and replace is how they're going to express it, I'm not going to disagree with them.

But

yeah, yeah.

But

at least I got the laugh, but I didn't have to ask for it.

I thought that was good.

I'd hardly call that a laugh.

That's true.

But the reality is you're right.

We, in fact,

had a health care problem when Bush left office.

We have a health care problem in America, health access and affordability when President Obama left office.

And

much less so.

I mean, isn't that true?

For people who are not getting a subsidy, which is more than two-thirds of America, health care costs as a percentage of their income has gone up.

So, when it comes to affordability for people who are paying the taxes and paying for their own health care, directly or indirectly, it is worse.

Now, that is not President Obama's fault.

However, if we do not look at Canada and other countries and say, not everything they do is wrong, their health care cost half what ours cost.

We've got to start looking at the cost drivers and work on it.

Now, that wasn't in the Affordable Care Act.

Let's look to Canada, just like the Republicans always wanted.

No, no, but the fact is,

around the world, probably including Sweden, there are in fact

better ideas.

Wow.

It happens.

I know, but Republicans never say that.

There are better ideas around the world.

What, don't you think we're exceptional here in America?

We are exceptional.

We're going to run out of time without even getting on to subject two.

Can I get on to subject two?

Okay, you were head of the House Oversight Committee, right?

Yes, sir.

You looked into Benghazi and Fast and Furious and other

IRS.

Okay.

So now.

And about 2,000 others.

You're right.

There was a - because you said Obama is one of our most corrupt presidents.

Okay.

So now we have this situation where it comes out this week that

Rinch Priebus was talking to the FBI.

He is the chief of staff.

That really is booze.

No, it's not.

You wish it was after I finished this question.

So anyway, so all our intelligence agencies, you have great respect for them, you're a veteran, right?

Okay.

They all said that the Russians hacked one side, like a poker game, where just one player has the cards up.

They just hacked the Democrats.

And we know for a fact that people in the Trump administration had dealings and talks with the Russians during the campaign.

Okay, so let's go back to 2012.

Say

the Russians hacked only Mitt Romney,

and there's a lot of contact between the Obama administration and Russia.

You don't let that slide?

No.

So you're not going to let this slide?

No.

Oh, so you're going to ask for a subpoena, like Olivia Snow did?

We're going to ask the intelligence committees of the House and Senate to investigate within the special areas they have.

Now we need an independent prosecutor.

And

Jeff Sessions should recuse himself the same way Loretta Lynch recused herself

because he was part of the Trump campaign.

Is that correct?

Jeff Sessions should recuse himself?

As I was saying, number two would be you're right that you cannot have somebody, a friend of mine, Jeff Sessions, who was on the campaign and who was an appointee.

You're going to need to use the Special Prosecutor's statute and office to take, not just to recuse, you can't just give it to your deputy, that's another political appointee.

You do have to do that.

We're going to have to do it.

And here's the reason we're going to have to do it, Bill.

There may or may not be fault, but the American people who are beginning to understand that Putin murders his enemies sometimes right in front of the Kremlin, and then suddenly the cameras don't work there.

He's murdered people and taken down using cyber warfare in Georgia and in Ukraine.

This is a bad guy who murders people, who runs a gas station with an economy the size of Italy, but is screwing up things all over the world that we've been doing, quote, working with.

Now, we have to work with them.

We don't have to trust them.

And we need to investigate their activities, and we need to do it because they are bad people.

Well, that's certainly not the opinion of the Trump administration.

I thank you for saying it publicly.

Congressman Darrell Issa, give him credit for that answer.

All right.

Thank you, Congressman.

Let's meet our panel.

Come on.

Good.

Give it up, people.

All right, here's the creator and writer of Family Guy.

What a hyphenate this guy is.

So much more.

He's a director, an actor, a singer a nightstand a lamp

I cannot wait for his new show that he's brewing up Seth McFarlane is over here

she is a contributor to the Daily Beast and author of Standing Alone an American woman's struggle for the soul of Islam Austra Nomani

He's the former governor of Maine who is now an independent United States senator I'm guessing from Maine Angus King is over here.

Don't forget to send us your questions tonight.

Several times you can answer them after the show on YouTube.

Okay, so I want to keep talking about this deportation thing because we laugh a lot and we should.

We have to.

I mean it's it's a horrible time to live.

Well, we got to laugh, but I mean people are really hurting and those of us who live in Southern California I mean these are a lot of people we know we see every day we work with and you know it's one thing to go on right-wing hate radio and spew your venom but then when that comes to power, people really get hurt.

In Kansas today, two people were shot, two Indian people, by apparently someone who said...

Who said, get out of our country.

Get out of our country.

Trump keeps talking about, we're just going to get rid of the bad dudes, but what we see is single mothers, you know, who are separated from their families.

One of the points in this new order is if you've committed a crime, but one of the crimes you may have committed is crossing the border illegally.

Right.

So it's

kind of an all-fulfilling prophecy.

Yes.

And I mean, technically, I guess they are criminals, but I mean, they're all net immigration from Mexico has been zero for 10 years.

Once our economy went in the shitter, they were like, Mañana.

Well, most of the immigrants that are coming to the border are from Central America, and the reality is Mexico is the wall.

In other words, the work that Mexico is doing on their southern border is what's keeping the flood from reaching us.

So you're absolutely right.

Immigrants

or border crossers from Mexico, it's virtually, it's a net negative, actually.

It's not easy to become an immigrant, even when you're legal.

Well, that's what I was just remembering, because we were talking about your daughter.

She came from India.

I came from India.

I was four years old, and I arrived,

separated from my parents for two years because they had arrived earlier, but they weren't allowed.

they didn't have the finances to bring my brother and me over.

There's pain and suffering that comes with immigration, legal or illegal.

It's very difficult.

And I know that what we have to do is come up with a compassionate solution on all of this, recognizing the realities of rule of law and the very serious issues related to keeping our country safe and secure.

Definitely, there's a lot of controversy on whether it's a security issue, but ultimately I think we want any nation.

But we seem to be erring on this side of a police state.

He's emboldening the people who wear badges, and sometimes they have a bad attitude to begin with.

It kind of breeds that kind of person.

Just off the top of my head, I wrote down the number of police forces I could think of: local police, state police, highway police, sheriff's department, federal police, U.S.

Marshals, TSA, DEA,

FBI, ATF, Homeland Security Investigations, border cops.

This is too many cops.

We have too many police forces and too many people with uniforms and guns and a bad attitude in America.

Well, please.

This is the wrong direction in the middle.

Part of it is picking the right target.

I mean, here's an example.

I think last year the number of Syrian refugees, which are being banned, by the way, entirely, is 3,600.

You know how many people came in under the visa waiver program last year?

20 million.

So cutting off Syrian refugees and not

paying attention to the visa waiver program, which is people can come in essentially if they're not on a watch list,

is like

invading Brazil after Pearl Harbor.

I mean, it's a vigorous action, but it's the wrong target.

I just want us to be careful, though, because I want to stand up for the police, and I want to say that we are in a civil society.

And we want, I hear you.

I'm saying we don't need police.

I'm saying we don't need this many police.

I hear you.

And we can't become a police state, which this government seems to want us to do.

I don't feel that fear, honestly.

But what I do, what I am concerned about is that if we vilify.

What are you appealing to him for?

Listen, they gave me water tonight.

I know.

I know.

You want the police in.

Maybe you got his booze.

Is that what he said?

This is the wrong thing.

I think this is the wrong glass.

Could we get Daryl Isis,

Jack Daniels?

Let's deal with serious issues.

You know, fuck-ups are fuck-ups, but when you don't bring Seth McClintock, you're wondering why he's so quiet right now.

It's not going to be a good show.

I mean, I've never.

I was trying to give you love, that's why, because I knew he could be.

I never wanted you to see me like that.

Sober.

Boyfriend, I don't either.

There we go.

Thank you.

Oh, thank you, Congressman.

Thank you.

Thank you.

Now we can start talking, right?

All right, take a sip, take a sip.

Who says Republicans aren't good for anything?

Man,

he put a hell of a dent in this.

Okay, so can I ask this question?

Who is the Democrat who's going to emerge?

Because they're having their meeting right as we speak to decide who's the next chairman.

I tell you what, my fear.

Wow, look how fast that happened.

I tell you what, my fear.

It was like an injection.

My fear

is that

they take a play,

they take a tip from the Trump rule book, and they come in with somebody who is like, all right,

they came up with Trump, we got Kanye.

I guess that wouldn't be it.

But, you know, we got

a celebrity.

You know, take your pick of liberal celebrities.

Judge Judy, I think, would be great.

Really?

But

that's my fear: is that instead of trying to tug things back

in the direction of civility and dignity and nobility, that the Democrats then say, all right, well, this is obviously the way things are now.

What do we do?

Can't we split the difference and just get balls?

Can we have somebody ballsy?

You know, I mean, I like Chuck Schumer, I like Nancy Pelosi, I really do, but we need new blood.

I agree.

We've tried centrism and we've tried ultra-right-wing conservatism.

The one thing we have not tried is liberalism in that office.

For a long time, it's absolutely since FDR.

And you know, I came here despite all my fears because, as you know, as a Muslim, as an immigrant, please don't kick me off stage.

I did vote for Trump.

I know.

Get ahead.

But why did I?

Why did I?

Yeah, why did I?

And it was, you presented it the Friday after the election, and you said there were two issues that the Dems lost on and one was Islam and the other was on identity politics.

Political correctness.

And that's what I think, you know, Seth, what you're talking about is I'm afraid that they're going to go to the extreme and that would mean Keith Ellison.

And because he is.

Well, he is one of the two, well, I guess there's three people up for DNC chairman.

And what we will face then is more apologetics on Islam and more identity politics.

And what I would prefer is somebody who is in the middle.

We have this mayor from South Bend, Indiana,

Mayor Pete is his name.

And we have Tulsi Gabbard, who was on your stage.

She's an amazing centrist, a realist on Islam and extremism.

And that's what we need, civility.

And when you say realist on Islam, what do you want the liberals to hear there?

Because I mean, Keith Ellison is a Muslim, one of, I think, two Muslim congresspeople.

I've always said I want more Muslims to take high office because hopefully when they do, then they will have a platform to say what I would like a Muslim leader to say in America, which is absolutely women are equal.

Absolutely, no cartoonist

should ever

be killed for any reason.

Is it wrong

to ask that question?

And you know, this journey that I've had, when I came to you first for the first time, it was the night of the Bataqlan attack, right?

Right.

A year and a half ago.

And it was your audience.

It was the true liberals who rallied.

It was your viewers who gave me so much strength and courage that then I went forward with my fellow Muslim reformers and we created this network called the Muslim Reform Movement to stand up for

stand up for free speech.

Should there be a Muslim reformation not unlike Martin Luther?

Is that what you're talking about?

Absolutely.

How can I answer that?

And it's happening.

This is it right here.

This is my color of Islamic feminism.

But it's not being helped

by a lot of the liberals.

No, the liberals are selling America short.

They are surrendering America.

And that's what is killing me.

Right.

Because you know that women's march?

You know what happened?

Yeah.

There was the

hat, right?

The vagina hat.

Don't offend me.

I'm trying to, that's not the moment.

My mother's watching.

But then

there was the American flag wrapped tightly around the protesters.

And these are the liberals who are saying rape culture is not okay, right?

That women don't have the burden of modesty and chastity and honor on their shoulders.

And yet, in

this apologetics and in this standing shoulder to shoulder with Muslims that are on the far right of the Westboro Baptist Church, they are doing these symbols that are then selling our country and surrendering our country.

And that's what kills me.

That's what we have to stand up.

Does the seeming non-response of the White House worry you at all?

The fact that basically the whole friggin world marched and like the entire planet Earth marched and

there seems to be no response.

I visualize these guys looking out the window going, look at these assholes.

That's how it comes off.

Yeah, you know, you have such a great solution on all of this, I believe, in just hearing you and that you do believe that all of this antagonism, you know, the

protests are not just protests at the town hall meetings.

They're orchestrated thing called bird-dogging.

I don't know if you've ever heard of that term, but it's there.

You go there, you harass, you heckle, you, you know, you basically

do the worst of what might happen at one of your shows, right?

I hope not anymore.

And so my fear is that people in such pain and suffering over a loss from the Democrat side are just shouting in such

a hostile and aggressive way.

I don't think it's that.

I think it's that, you know, everybody recognizes that there are grievances, but it's like be measured at how you respond to those grievances.

But people are, it's not this way.

People are distraught.

In the last two weeks, a week ago during Betsy DeVos and Jeff Sessions, we usually get about 3,500 phone calls and emails a week in my office from Maine.

That week we got 20,000.

The calls were coming so fast, I went out and started answering them, which was really kind of fun to say.

People would say, tell the senator to vote against sessions.

I said, I'm him.

But what I heard, Bill, was

real emotion.

I mean, people were crying.

People were upset.

They feel that they're threatened.

They're worried about their kids.

I mean, this is,

and one of the things that bothers me about this administration, and I remember saying it before the election when everybody thought, including me, that Hillary was going to win, I said, after the election, Hillary is going to have to do some serious listening to these 60 million people that are going to vote for Trump.

The reverse is also true, and

he's still campaigning and has done nothing to do.

But you're never going to ask that.

That's never going to happen.

It's going to happen.

It's not in him.

It's not in him.

We have to make it happen.

We have to to be the civility that we want to see in the world, and we have to demand it from the White House to the street.

You were an Oscar host once.

I have a special Oscar bit

just for you.

Because we have a special zipping on our show.

We do often it's called, I don't know it for a fact, I just know it's true.

But I heard it.

I don't know it for a fact.

No, well, you know, actually, it's the way Trump runs the whole country now, but we thought of it first.

And, you know, it's just the idea that sometimes, look, you got me.

I can't prove it.

I just know it's true.

Tonight, we're going to do a special Oscar edition.

I don't know it for a fact.

I just know it's true.

Oscar.

I don't know it for a fact that black people call La La Land white men can't dance.

I just know it's true.

I don't know for a fact that at the governor's ball, Leonardo DiCaprio's current girlfriend is going to be introduced unbeknownst to her to Leonardo DiCaprio's next girlfriend.

Really?

That was too edgy?

I don't know for a fact that Casey Affleck will come to the Oscars with crumbs in his beard

from the Golden Globes.

I just know it's true.

I don't know for a fact that John Travolta will introduce La La Land director Damian Chiselle Edina Menzel

and then fuck that up.

I just know it's true.

I don't know for a fact that this year's red carpet is shorter than Donald Trump's tie.

I just

I don't know for a fact that they're going to give Meryl Streep an Oscar just to hear her shit on Trump and the acceptance speech.

That actually, I think, is true.

I don't know for a fact that if Mel Gibson doesn't win best director, he'll blame the Jews.

I just know it's true.

I don't know for a fact that Jeff Sessions is a big fan of the movie Loving because he loves being able to talk about Ruth Nega.

I just know it's true.

I don't know for a fact that when someone wins an Oscar and says, this thing is heavy, all the losers in that category think, fuck you.

I don't know for a fact that one winner will get so drunk he'll forget his Oscar and try to take home CeeLo Green.

All right, she's the contributing editor at Vanity Fair who will be speaking at the Irvine Barkley Theater in Irvine, California on Monday, February 27th.

Nobody funnier than Fran Leibowitz.

I say it every week, somebody's gonna die here.

How are you?

Compared to who?

So,

now I only get to see you so rarely, but you always come out for the Oscars.

Do you have Oscar fever?

Have you seen La La Land?

That's going to be the big winner.

I have not seen La La Land.

No, not seen La La Land.

I loathe musicals.

Really?

Except for Hamilton, which I loved, of course.

It's a law.

Bill, I can't stay.

I've got to go.

I can't send people bursting into songs.

Yeah, I'm not a big fan either.

I like My Fair Lady.

Do you ever see that one?

I did.

Nothing?

No, okay.

All right, so, and what about the fact that, you know, in years past, they've, you know, it was like it's too white, Oscar's too white.

And now this year we have like many

black nominees.

Yes, I noticed that.

I think that's good.

You know,

I think that people should, I wish people would understand that although it would be delightful, it is not possible for the culture to make up for the society.

You know, I mean...

The culture to make up for the society.

That's right.

I mean, that's what that is.

That's an attempt to do that.

Right.

And I wish I lived in a world that was ruled by movies and books.

In fact, it's not.

Yeah, that doesn't really fix.

Right.

It doesn't really fix it.

So if it fixed it, that would be fantastic.

Okay, so now last week we had on the show this guy, Milo.

I'm sure you've been reading about him him all week because people were,

I told Daryl, I said they were going to protest and then, you know, didn't because of the rain.

Because he was this monster that could not be abided and then it rained.

So we,

it's all good.

And then this poor guy, I mean, this week lost more jobs than Ohio during the recession.

I mean,

he was shit canned by Breitbart News.

What do you have to do to be fired from Breitbart News?

Well, whatever it is, he's not crazy.

Not crazy enough?

You're not evil enough?

No.

He talked about.

Let's not get into it.

I mean,

he crossed the line.

He said something about, you know, he's gay.

And he said.

Is that the line?

You'd think it would be with them.

Anyway, but

what do you think about this whole thing where liberals get so upset?

Because I was yelling at them and saying, look, you know, you always take the bait.

You know, this guy, he's just a provocateur.

He's just

the little brother who puts the spider in his big sister's tent and makes them go, ah!

That's all he is.

And this is hurting us.

I mean, this is why liberals lose elections, I think.

Well, you know, I have never been for not letting people speak.

I don't care who they are.

Right.

You know, and especially idiots.

You know, because letting idiots speak is how people finally say, oh, you know what?

He's an idiot.

Right.

That's what I said.

Sunlight's the best disinfectant.

Yeah.

Right.

But I mean, I can't think of anything.

He doesn't seem to be working right now, though.

Yeah.

That's true.

That went south.

They don't think he's an idiot.

Right.

No.

They're even dumber than he is.

No, they loved him until this weekend.

Yeah.

He was, he was, he called.

I meant Trump.

Yeah, yeah.

Well, let me ask you about Trump because, you know, first of all, he's a New Yorker.

No.

Well, he is.

He is a tourist idea of a New Yorker.

No, no, no.

Okay.

Lost 9 to 1 in New York City.

9 to 1.

Hometown boy makes bad.

But he is a hometown boy.

It is pretty odd that people like Rudy Giuliani and Chris Christie, Donald Trump, this is where I grew up.

This is my backyard.

New Jersey, New York.

How come those arts conservatives somehow from the liberal part of the country are the ones who took over this country and put it in the wrong direction?

It's a bitter pill to swallow for me.

Because that's what loudmouth means.

Right.

You know, you named like the three biggest loudmouths in the tri-state area.

Well, so doesn't that say, pursuant to our last conversation, the Democrats need that kind of a loudmouth?

I mean, they loved Anthony Weiner before we had that little scandal.

No, no, the first little scandal was okay.

He ran for mayor.

He might have won.

Right.

Okay?

It was the second one.

Yeah, the second one.

And then the picture of the baby.

Next to his dick was wrong.

So here's something Donald Trump said last week.

There was a Russian ship off of our coast.

And he's apparently there all the time.

Oh, really?

Like, he's been there since the 50s.

Oh.

Well, he just never looked out the window.

Right.

He sees things that aren't aren't there and doesn't see things that are.

Okay.

He said, the greatest thing I could do is shoot that ship that's 30 miles offshore right out of the water.

Everybody in the country is going to say, oh, it's so great.

Not everybody, is what I would like to say to him.

I mean, the fact that he thinks that everybody in the country,

to him, like the people who come to his rallies, that's like the regular people.

Those are Americans.

And everyone, they would think that's great.

Because they're ready to go.

I don't think, you know what?

I don't think think is the word you're looking for.

He doesn't think anything.

Okay.

Let me ask you about this.

I know this is anecdotal, and you weigh on this too, because you're Mr.

Cosmos, but I found this just...

Bill Nye said it heartbreaking, and I would concur.

Kyrie Irving is a great basketball player.

I love basketball, and he plays, there he is, making the big shot in the championship.

And I read this week that he believes the world is flat, and I thought, oh, great, he's reading Tom Friedman's book.

No,

no, actually thinks the earth is not the shape of a basketball.

How tall is he?

He's like 6'2.

He's a good one.

That's why he's a

he should go to Congress.

He could talk about climate.

Same thing.

But that's part of the larger epidemic of why we're so trapped in

this reality show world that, like, you know,

this NASA announcement,

that they found seven Earth-type planets around the TRAPPIST star, and nobody, that's just kind of, nobody really cares.

And that should be the biggest news story in the world right now.

Why?

Because we can't get there.

They're 40 light years away.

Let's make this planet work.

I can't stand this.

I can't stand this talk about Mars and the moon and planets that we could never get to.

There should always be room for that stuff.

You always have to make, no matter what's going on down here, you always have to make room in our society for space.

Okay, but we shouldn't lead people to think that we could actually not make it work anywhere but here.

We've got to make it work here.

One of the best lines I worked on.

Mars, no good.

One of the best lines.

I saw that show on Mars.

It is not a good place to live.

I read, I saw recently a line that said, we're either alone in the universe or we're not.

Either of those thoughts is terrifying.

But not ridiculous.

No, what's terrifying is destroying the earth and we not being able to live there.

That's terrifying.

I don't know what that is, and I don't care.

But how do you think?

I know we're living in this age.

How do you reconcile that side of Trump, like having voted for him?

Like, this is a guy who denies science, and you seem very smart.

Thank you.

Thank you.

Well, you know, I feel like a lot of times I have a Trump translation machine in my head because I think that a lot of things that the liberals do take very literally about what he says, from the blowing up the Russian ship to.

But so does the rest of the world.

It's not just the liberals.

But if you think about it, and I checked the numbers, you know, on your home county, for example, in Connecticut, because I wanted to see, yeah,

where did you come from?

They did some big inventions.

I just, I want to know who I'm amitz.

And I think the greater point is we're human beings.

We're all

on this world together.

And so half of our country, just demographically, then voted for Trump on the right.

Half voted for Hillary.

And our humanity sits in the middle.

Here's

3 million.

This is the difference.

What I'm saying, though, is even in your county, so many of your neighbors voted for Mitchell.

But this is what troubles the shit out of me, is that when Obama, when we perceived Obama's fuck-ups, like, and look, I voted for Obama twice.

but when Obama announced that the Atlantic was going to be opened up in parts of the Atlantic were going to be opened up for oil drilling, I was like, that's fucked up.

That's not what we should be doing.

When this guy does something or says something stupid

or lies,

it's ignored.

And it's like, well, it's not ignored.

He means by his supporters.

His supporters.

That's right.

Can I get back to Kyrie Irving?

Because this, I'm telling you, this bothers me.

Because, I mean, I know we live in this post-fact world but can't we agree that the world is round and by the way when he said this his friend draymond green power forward for the golden state warriors heard it and and thinks kyrie may be on to something as he let's let's listen to this listen to this genius talk himself into believing the world is flat he said uh it's hard to call someone's opinion crazy that's what kyrie thinks who's to say that picture is telling the truth i can make a round picture with my iphone today on the panoramic camera and make it look round.

So I don't know.

I'm not saying I think it's flat around.

I don't know, but it could be.

Have either of them.

Have either.

This is so dangerous.

Have either of them ever been on a plane?

Exactly.

Or a boat.

How come, guys, when you sail toward the horizon, you don't fall off?

I mean, can't we have a benchmark

the worlds?

I mean, there's pictures of it from space, and Kyrie Irving Irving says they lie to us.

What did we do to make people so cynical?

We can't ever solve problems if we can't agree on the facts.

Yes.

This one beginning with this one.

Beginning with this one.

I would say also, though, that we have to respect people where they're at.

And I know that you don't agree with me.

No, no, no, no, no.

I don't believe.

No, we don't.

We have to respect the guy who thinks the world is flat.

That's the problem.

I mean, the Buddha said that we have to teach people where they're at.

If that's where he's at, and if Trump voters are where they're at in their ideas.

Right.

But what we, but we have to have...

How, you, you said,

you said moments ago that we needed civility.

I believe you said that.

And so this is a young man who has some

alternate facts to borrow that title.

You don't believe that.

You don't believe what you're saying.

You don't believe it.

I don't.

I don't.

I'm not.

That's what you have to say.

You didn't see my bunny ears.

What is the way that leads to madness?

But we have to have humanity.

You said he was.

Okay, humanity.

But please don't be a fucking dumbass.

Look at Milo.

I'm talking to him.

Look at how Milo was the trigger that Milo was responded, that he was responded to.

I mean, he was destroyed, you know, F off, F off, this and that.

I mean, we have to see that people are where they're at.

Wait a minute, wait a minute, wait a a minute.

That's crazy.

Can I get the last word?

My teachers were human, but they told me when I got the problem wrong.

Yeah, exactly.

Ryan.

Thank you.

Count your new rules, everybody.

Rule.

All right, now that I've learned that this is the Danish word for condom, Swangerskabs for Beigendemindel.

New rule, your word for condom can't be longer than your dick.

Sorry, but that sounds like something you curse after losing your erection trying to open the condom.

Spongerscabs for Murdelge.

Neural, someone has to tell this woman in Thailand

who's impaled her face with two large poles that if this is what your God requires to prove your devotion, he's an asshole.

New rule, someone has to tell the Florida prostitute arrested for offering an undercover cop oral sex in exchange for two Taco Bell soft shell tacos that that's not what they mean by head for the border.

Could you imagine being so desperate that you're willing to take something like that in your mouth, especially so soon after blowing a cop?

New rule, in the interest of creating a more honest transaction, waiters must stop saying, you can pay that check whenever you're ready and just come right out and say, please get the fuck out.

New rule, now that the depression drug Abilify has been found to cause compulsive gambling, compulsive eating, and compulsive sex, if you're on it, look for the telltale signs.

Like if you find yourself saying, I'll bet you a blowjob, I can eat this whole whole pizza.

And finally, new rule, now that polls show that the public finds the news media less trustworthy than Donald Trump,

they have to fight to get their reputation back.

And there are encouraging signs that that fight has been joined.

The New York Times no longer shies away from saying Trump lies on the front page.

Also, sometimes pussy and fuck on the front page, which is awesome.

Scott Pelley of CBS, who I do not like.

I do not.

Made me like him one night when he started his broadcast like this.

It has been a busy day for presidential statements divorced from reality.

Chuck Todd had this moment with Kellyanne Conway.

Four of the five facts he uttered were just not true.

Look, alternative facts are not facts, they're falsehoods.

And take a look at George Stephanopoulos kicking little Stephen Miller's balls up into his chest cavity.

You have provided zero evidence that the president's claim that he would have won the general, the popular vote, but if three to to five million illegal immigrants hadn't voted.

Zero evidence for either one of those claims.

Well, it's a very important thing.

Thanks a lot for joining us.

Thanks a lot.

Bye-bye.

We're going to need a lot more of this.

We are.

Trump has the White House.

He's got Congress.

He's got a crazy loyal fan base.

What do we have?

Pussy hats.

But also people under them.

You know, there is something.

there is something about getting in the street that makes a powerful statement that we care, that we're not afraid, and that we feel so strongly we're willing to use a porter-a-potty.

We're liberals, damn it.

We're tanned, rested, and gluten-free.

And we are the type of people who will throw a trash can through a Starbucks window and then climb through and say, you know, while we're here, could I get a double milk of grande?

Very little starter.

All right, so we got the streets, we still got the courts, but judges die, and if only Republicans are in power to replace them, that could be bad, which leaves the press, the free press that is enshrined in our Constitution.

But for the press to be effective, these numbers have to change.

Can you imagine how this must make a reporter feel?

to be losing a truthfulness contest to Donald Trump?

It's like losing a rap battle to Mitt Romney.

Now you can be mad at me for giving a platform to Milo, but Donald Trump is the apotheosis of the alt-right and the media gave him the biggest platform ever.

They covered every Trump rally like we put a game show host on the moon.

They made him look like he was president before he was.

Even during the primaries, Trump got three times the coverage of the entire rest of the field.

Although Marco Rubio was able to break through one week because he gave a very important speech about how Trump had a small cock.

And you know what they say about men with small hands?

Other than that, it was Trump, Trump, Trump.

He got over twice as much coverage as Hillary and Bernie combined.

because they're policy people, not tiny cock people.

And now, with so much happening all at once, we really need our news sources to bore in.

But the second half of the nightly news

still looks like this.

From time to time, everyone needs a hug.

Tonight, 78-year-old Shirley Webb deadlifting 225 pounds at her gym near St.

Louis.

Are unicorns real?

The primping, the pampering, the pooch is now up for top dog.

What is your goat's name?

Stella.

And what's your name?

Stella.

Oh, that's special.

Bye-bye, Bao, Bao.

Okay, guys, for the sake of the Republic, you've got to get serious again.

You have to win your respect back so Trump can't say the people don't believe you.

You're a joke.

Look at what was on Time magazine's website last week.

These dads doing ballet with their daughters is the only thing you need to watch today.

No, that's the definition of what I don't need to watch today.

Henry Luce must be spinning in his grave, or as Time would put it, you won't believe what our founder is doing now.

The news media lost trust because they became eyeball-chasing clickbait whores.

who bumped the story about climate change for the one about grizzly bears and the jacuzzi.

You know, there is an answer to this.

When TV started, there was an understanding between the folks who owned the airwaves, the American people, and the folks who made TV, the Jews.

And that understanding was that the news wasn't supposed to make money, it was something the corporations gave us as a public service.

CBS News is 3% of CBS's revenue.

CNN, 4% of Time Warner's.

ABC and NBC News are only 1.5% of Disney and Comcast.

Guys, take one for the team.

It's not that much.

It'll pay off in the long run.

You know why?

Because the best customers are alive.

And maybe...

Just maybe people will even surprise you.

They might actually prefer not being treated like children.

People tell me every day how much they appreciate Vice news, and a new season of Vice starts in a couple of minutes.

That's our show.

I'll be at the Sanger Theater in New Orleans, March 18th in the Pacific in Oklahoma City, April 9th.

I want to thank Seth McFarland, Ostra Domani, I'm just king friend, Levy Witz, and Daryl Island.

Join us now

on Overtime on YouTube.

Thank you, folks.

Catch all new episodes of Real Time with Bill Maher every Friday night at 10, or watch him anytime on HBO On Demand.

For more information, log on to HBO.com.