Bonus Bill (Originally aired 2/17/17)

Now it's time for Real Time 2.0.

Your chance to listen in behind the scenes to the real-time monologue jokes America didn't hear.

Well it is uh it is week four of the war on facts

and uh I don't know what to tell you.

There's just so much news every week.

We went from no drama Obama to my throat has a lump Trump

I guess we'll start with the big scandal this week.

The National Security Advisor Michael Flynn was forced to step down this week.

Well, you know, he was dealing with the Russians.

Trump was furious.

He said, I want, he said to Flynn, I want your resignation, your letter of resignation on Putin's desk in the morning.

But here's the funny part.

Even the Russians, even Putin is having buyers' remorse about Donald Trump.

Really?

They used to have all these fawning stories about Donald Trump on Russian state TV.

That stopped because he's a maniac and they know it now.

They can't trust him.

He could no longer be trusted even by his Russian handlers.

So

it's like one of those horror movies where the ventriloquist dummy starts to have a mind of its own.

The dummy is grabbing pussies now.

One thing is done.

So Donald Trump had a press coverage today to deal with all this.

Oh my God.

I took a bong hit every time.

Try it.

Every time he says something is very unfair to him,

I took a hit.

And

there's no pot left in California.

That's all.

Now, Trump says the real scandal is not the Russian thing, it's the leakers.

And he said he promises to get to the bottom of where all this blatant truth is coming from.

We can't have that in our government.

And then he met with Prime Minister Netanyahu of Israel this week, and an Israeli reporter asked him about anti-Semitic hate crime.

Yes.

And yeah, about anti-Semitic hate crime on the rise in America.

And Trump went into a discussion of how big his Electoral College victory was.

And my daughter married a Jew.

And

no matter what you ask this man, it always immediately gets back to, let's talk about me.

How do I fit in this?

Because we really wandered off into areas about national policy.

Back to me.

But so it's been a rough week, another rough week week for Trump, so he needs some cheering up.

So Trump Saturday is going to have a campaign rally.

Again, asshole, you won

at an airplane hangar in Florida.

That's his safe space.

I just wonder when this guy is going to realize you won the election, but he doesn't care.

Sometimes he says you have to bypass the crooked media and take your case directly to the drooling idiots who are still buying your shit.

All right, you're a great crowd.

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