Bonus Bill (Originally aired 2/10/17)

Now it's time for Real Time 2.0, your chance to listen in behind the scenes to the real-time monologue jokes America didn't hear.

Well, let's get right to the big news.

The president has declared war

on Nordstrom.

This is very...

And then to make matters worse, Kellyanne Conway, his work wife, she...

No, that's okay.

That's a thing people have.

She goes on Fox News and says, go buy Ivanka stuff.

Go buy it, everybody.

So next Thanksgiving, when your right-wing uncle shows up in a floral print sheath dress,

you'll know why.

So yeah, so anyway, Kelly and Conway violated the law.

There is a ban against a federal employee using public office to endorse a product.

Even though every time Donald Trump opens his mouth, it's a huge ad for Prozac, Abilify, Zolop,

Paxil, LexiPro,

And that penis pump that adds interest to your cock.

I mean,

I mean, you know, we have actual issues we should be talking about in the daily briefing about our security.

That Yemen raid that went fucking south last week.

Giant cluster fuck.

And now it turns out Trump was convinced to make this raid because the generals told him Obama would never do it.

What a way to govern.

Hey, Kellyanne, give me a complete list of things my predecessor thought were too stupid to consider.

But that's the bad news.

Donald Trump is our president.

The good news is that he is raising awareness about mental health issues, and that is so important.

So important.

And I haven't even started on this week's outright lies and delusions.

Like Trump said, the media covers up terrorist attacks.

What?

He said the murder rate is the highest in 47 years.

That's the thing about having tiny hands.

It makes it easier to pull things out of your ass.

Thank you very much.

Okay.

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