Bonus Bill (Originally aired 10/07/16)

Now it's time for Real Time 2.0.

Your chance to listen in behind the scenes to the real-time monologue jokes America didn't hear.

Everyone over here.

Thank you.

Well, you're in a great mood because you're not in Florida.

Wow.

Been watching CNN all day.

Nothing but back-to-back coverage of Hurricane Matthew, Hurricane Matthew, which is a nice break from the usual wall-to-wall coverage of that other gigantic blowhard.

Oh, I kid Donald Trump.

It's interesting, the hurricane is heading right toward his house at Mar-a-Lago.

They say it could result in the greatest loss of tacky gold furniture

since we bombed Saddam Hussein.

Now, don't forget, this storm has been made worse by the highest ocean temperatures ever on record, and yet Florida, in the state of Florida, state officials are not allowed to mention climate change.

That's true.

The official analysis says we clearly have angered Poseidon.

I saw CBS News interviewed a man, and you know it is Florida.

He said he wasn't evacuating because it was too much trouble to pick up all his firearms.

So he's going to stay put and shoot the hurricane.

And we are sending the National Guard, the Coast Guard, and FEMA, and everything else that Trump does not support with taxes.

Oh, I.

Oh, it's okay.

Okay.

So Trump's campaign manager says that Trump has learned his lesson from the first debate, and he is preparing constantly now.

Yes, preparing constantly.

Ask him the weight of any missed universe ever, and he'll just reel it right off.

Here's how Trump is preparing constantly.

This is his week.

First he gets up there, he says Hillary couldn't make it 15 feet to her car.

Then he made it, he imitates her collapsing, and then he accused her of cheating on Bill.

I love this cartoon of Hillary he has.

She is both a frail, dying old lady, and she's banging the pool boy.

Yeah, he's preparing all week.

This is what he said today.

He said, if he doesn't win, he said, this will be, quote, the greatest waste of time,

money, and energy in my lifetime.

He's starting to sound like Citizen Kane, realizing his life has been for nothing, except his dying breath.

He doesn't say Rosebud, he says, Rosie O'Donnell.

And

how about this?

One of the many scandals.

If this was anybody else, it would be enough to sink them.

The Trump Foundation has been ordered to cease fundraising because it's not really a charitable organization.

Well, it's a little confusing.

When I say Trump Foundation, I don't mean the makeup he puts on.

So did you watch the vice presidential debate?

37 million people watched that, which means it had the ratings of Monday night football and the excitement of Sunday afternoon golf.

Wow.

It was like being trapped in a hotel elevator with two businessmen who were talking about the free breakfast.

Yeah, apparently the people watching, you know, the undecided, the fucking idiots, they didn't like the fact that Tim Kaine interrupted.

He interrupted Mike Pence 72 times.

That is a lot, 72 interruptions.

At one point, the moderator actually said, I now pronounce you husband and wife.

That's how much he was into.

And by the way, you know, you have to understand, Mike Pence only looks sane because he's running with Donald Trump.

This really bothers me.

He's actually a fucking crackpot.

He is.

He's a huge right-wing asshole.

Get this.

This is how anti-abortion this guy is.

He signed a law in Indiana forcing women who have abortions to make funeral arrangements for the fetus.

He's one of those every sperm is sacred, guys.

After he masturbates, he brings out a bugle and plays taps.

All right, thank you.

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