Bonus Bill (Originally aired 09/23/16)

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Now it's time for Real Time 2.0.

Your chance to listen in behind the scenes to the real-time monologue jokes America didn't hear.

Start the clock.

Good afternoon.

Yeah, they're preparing for the debates now.

You heard that Hillary's home studying.

Yeah, they have both different aspirations.

Trump hopes that the moderators are fair.

Hillary hopes no one harbors her organs.

I think she's not well, but yeah, it's tight, right?

This race is, ooh, it's tight.

The liberals are in a tough spot.

It's like Game of Thrones.

You know, it's on the one hand, if Trump gets the throne, he could kill us all.

On the other hand, we could move to Canada, but winter is coming.

And

it is, winter's coming.

I'm telling you, as soon as fall's here, it's Christmas.

It's fucking Thanks Hallowist.

Remember Thanks Hallowist?

We invented that holiday.

We should just combine it with North Carolina.

Did you see what's going on there?

It was a pretty messy situation there last night.

And right in the middle of this, of course, Donald Trump is making his black outreach plan.

Or as it used to be known, stop and frisk.

That's his plan.

Yeah.

Donald Trump also went on Fox and Friends today.

He said, there seems to be a lack of spirit

between whites and blacks.

And you know what would bring that spirit back?

Frisking.

Frisking, no one.

Doesn't like a good frisk.

So in other disturbing news, of course, we are living this week with the aftermath of another terrorist bombing in New York in my home state of New Jersey.

Luckily, right, no one killed this time.

We're learning more about the bomber.

His name is Ahmed Ramhami.

He was a 28-year-old naturalized citizen.

And in his journal, Ahmed Rahm Rahami praises bin Laden.

He praises other terrorists.

And he wants to vow.

He says he's going to vow to kill the unbelievers.

Or as they say on the news, we're still trying to figure out a motive.

Now these homegrown terrorists, I tell you, they have kind of a love-hate thing going with America.

Have you noticed that?

I mean this guy in his journal, he said he wanted to visit a painful chastisement on the infidel and then get home in time for the voice.

It's a

very...

But the father and the son worked there at a fried chicken restaurant in New Jersey, but at some point the kid, the bad one, decided it was taking too long to kill the infidels with high cholesterol.

And the restaurant got good reviews on Yelp.

Although

that's true, although

there were signs that a bad apple was working there, because, for example, the 8x10 glossy signed by terrorists on the wall.

You know.

To Ahmed,

best chicken outside the caliphate.

I mean, you know, that should have been a red flag.

The sign in the bathroom, please wash hands before waging jihad.

I mean, that.

The mail would come in.

The father would be like, Bill, Bill, Bill, Al-Qaeda magazine.

And my governor there in New Jersey, Chris Christie, he ordered a state of emergency when he heard this and three buckets of chicken.

And

I mean, this guy, this kid, the bummer, spent a year in Pakistan, three weeks in Afghanistan, then went to Turkey.

I mean, unless you're Anthony Bourdain, this kind of itinerary should raise a few red flags.

Catch all new episodes of Real Time with Bill Maher every Friday night at 10, or watch him anytime on HBO on demand.

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