Episode #405 (Originally aired 09/30/16)

Charlie Sheen is an icon of decadence.

I lit the fuse and my life turns into everything it wasn't supposed to be.

He's going the distance.

He was the highest paid TV star of all time.

When it started to change, it was quick.

He kept saying, No, no, no, I'm in the hospital now, but next week I'll be ready for the show.

Now, Charlie's sober.

He's gonna tell you the truth.

How do I present this with any class?

I think we're past that, Charlie.

We're past that, yeah.

Somebody call action.

Yeah, aka Charlie Sheen, only on Netflix, September 10th.

Tires matter.

They're the only part of your vehicle that touches the road.

Tread confidently with new tires from Tire Rack.

Whether you're looking for expert recommendations or know exactly what you want, Tire Rack makes it easy.

Fast, free shipping, free road hazard protection, convenient installation options, and the best selection of BF Goodrich tires.

Go to tire rack.com to see their BF Goodrich test results, tire ratings, and reviews.

And be sure to check out all the special offers.

TireRack.com, the way tire buying should be.

Welcome to an HBO podcast from the HBO Late Night Series, Real Time with Bill Maher.

Good afternoon.

Afternoon.

Time will be

real time.

Thank you.

It's okay.

Thank you.

You're so kind.

I appreciate it.

Okay.

Thank you very much.

How you doing?

Okay, well, I...

I know, I know, I know.

Oh, ladies and gentlemen, I...

I wish I could live up to that.

I don't know if I can.

I may be losing it tonight.

All I can say to start the show is welcome to another week of, yes, this is really happening.

I don't know if you saw what happened this morning, but Donald Trump, a 70-year-old man and father of five, went ape shit on Twitter between 3.20 and 5.30 in the morning, slut-shaming Miss Universe 1996.

That's the true part.

Remember Hillary's ad from 2008?

Who do you want answering the White House phone at 3 a.m.?

How about someone who's not already enraged in a hissy fit?

How about...

But

getting ahead of myself.

Let me go back to the beginning.

America used to be a country.

No.

Okay, not that far.

Let's just go back to Monday night.

Did you see the debate?

Okay, the debate.

Interesting debate.

Hillary Hillary made her case for being president, that she has the experience and the temperament to be the commander-in-chief.

Donald Trump made his case.

I hate Rosie O'Donnell, but she started it.

Is this really happening?

Trump interrupted her 51 times.

At one point, she had to say, mommy's talking.

Mommy.

He actually had a meltdown.

Donald Trump had a meltdown about what a great temperament he has.

It was like watching someone carve, I'm not a psycho, into their arm.

I can't process it anymore.

And even though all the polls say that Hillary won the debate, no, he won.

And if he didn't win, totally not his fault.

The moderator asked the wrong questions.

He had a bad microphone.

The whole system is rigged.

She had the questions beforehand.

The sun was in my eyes.

The Coke wore off.

I mean,

even Ryan Lochte was like, stop with the bullshit about being wrong.

You whiny little bitch.

I mean

Well, I don't know Hillary got a big bump after the debate, and Trump looked like he did a big bump before the debate.

I mean,

I'm hearing.

I don't know it for a fact.

I hope it's not true.

A lot of people are saying it.

A lot of people are saying it.

That's all I know.

I hope it's not true.

Well, you know, he was sniffing a lot.

It was either that or he's allergic to facts.

No,

I think it may be the case.

Donald Trump was born with a silver spoon in his nose.

Well, I only say that because, I mean, he came out absolutely manic, the first Tef era, charging like a rapid weasel, sniffling, cottonmouth, kept drinking, grambling like the guy you can't get out of your apartment.

And then,

most tellingly, 30 minutes in, crashed.

Did you notice that?

Ironically, the guy who wants to build the wall hit a wall.

Which was actually the best part of the whole night because he went after Hillary on stamina.

Stamina?

She was Bruce Springsteen just getting warmed up after 90 minutes.

And he was fat Elvis for getting the lyrics to Are You Lonesome Tonight?

Which brings me back to Miss Universe,

with what I was starting with.

Yes, so he went after the stamina thing.

So she said, You know what?

This is really about what you were talking about with women for years, looks.

And he said, In night, she said, You called Miss Universe 1996 Miss Piggy.

Okay, that was Monday.

Here it is Friday morning, and Miss Ninkumpoop is still obsessed with it.

He was tweeting all night about Miss 1996.

She's disgusting, imploring people to check out her sex tape.

Yes, Donald Trump, major party nominee who wants to be the president of the United States, is urging the American public to check out a sex tape that doesn't exist from a Venezuelan reality show.

Republicans out there, thank you so much for this.

Thank you so much.

You must be so fucking proud

that your candidate finally takes a concrete position on something and it's no fat chicks.

And if this is how Trump treats pageant contestants, imagine how he treats poor Melania.

She knows six words and two of them are cupcake bad.

All right, we got a great show.

Steve Moore, Angela Rye, and Peter Hanby is here, are here, and it'll be speaking with my good friend Sarah Silverman's vaccine.

What a night.

But first up, he is an Oscar-winning actor.

Wow, on our show.

Some actor, a lot of people would say the the best actor of his generation he narrates the new audiobook by first-time author Pappy Pariah called Bob Honey Who Just Do Stuff.

It's available for free.

Can't beat that price at audible.com.

He always runs toward the fire.

Sean Penn.

How are you, sir?

Well, great to see you.

Great to see you.

Yes.

Okay.

All right, now, Sean, let's get right to what people are thinking.

Why are you plugging someone else's book?

Well, this is a book that came to me in a kind of mysterious way.

It was somebody I had met one time.

That happens to you a lot.

Mysterious things.

Mysterious things.

Somebody I'd met once in 1979 and who had, through a longer story, had the address of my mother.

And then sometime in early May this year,

I got a manuscript

and connected to some lawyers in the Cayman Islands and so on and so forth.

And I read this book

that he wanted, I think I was the only quote-unquote celebrity he'd ever met.

And so after reading the book, he thought of this guy he met in 1979 who he then realized had become, was the guy he'd met after I started becoming a publisher.

You're his surrogate.

In a sense.

He can't get this book sold.

Well, I guess this was the idea.

And so I read it, and what I was reading was,

in essence, the book I would have written if I was writing a book.

I just felt like finally somebody...

But you're a great writer.

You could write a book.

Oh, I couldn't write this book.

This is the book.

Well, what is it?

Is it a memoir?

Is it a novel?

He calls it a memoir.

What?

Well,

my suspicion is that much of what's in it might be true but expose highly highly illegal activities

on his part and so he's made it a fiction.

Oh, I see.

For Raman Alclay.

Exactly.

Okay.

So why did it move you so much?

Well here's the thing.

You know what, and I was watching your monologue.

It's a toy.

Well you had to.

You were standing right there.

It was not a choice, but.

Yeah, but I could have tuned it out.

Yeah, you could have.

Imagine if you had the earbuds in.

So often at this time, when one's watching the news, you just feel like the reporter or the pundit should not be continuing to speak, but actually running to pull the fire alarm

and say, you know, what the hell is happening here.

So this book...

By the time I got to the end of it, I realized that almost everything that

his character, Bob Honey, is doing and believing and the thought process

was in sync with what I thought, but

I wasn't hearing it on the news, I was hearing it from a character who is clearly a sociopath.

And I thought, well, when the sociopaths are making more sense than anything we're seeing in mainstream news media,

it's time to

hear them out and heal it.

Well, that could be a defense for Trump.

I mean, there's a sociopath.

And he's a kind of a character in the book.

But that's a 12-year-old sociopath.

I see.

I get it.

So

we're on the side of the mature sociopaths.

Okay, so

I read it also.

I mean, I was fascinated by it.

First of all, it's short, which I love.

Yeah, I like that too.

No, I do.

I mean, who has time anymore?

Books are slow and long.

It is beautifully written, and it's sort of a fever dream.

I'm not sure I got all of it, but you know, you're right.

He's a guy who seems to be in an intelligence agency, or it was at some point.

He kills people, so you know,

he's, as you say, maybe associate with it, but he has a moral code.

Yes, I think he has a clear moral code.

What is that?

How would you describe that?

Well,

he has a clear moral code that has to do with something that we've always had trouble with in terms of morality, which is the principle of triage.

Triage.

Triage.

What do you treat first?

What you treat first.

And also, I think that what's also unique about the character is that, for example, he talks about words being as lethal as a gun, but nobody needs a background check for the words.

He talks about not having

that understanding that if we truly want to see less gun violence, then some legitimate controls may be in place.

But he's not sure in the greater advertising environment if people genuinely want to stop seeing gun violence.

There's a kind of exploration of the chaotic part of what's happening in a culture where now we're seeing people who, I mean, for example, the Trump voters, and quite clearly one of the characters in the book is Donald Trump.

The Trump voters, I think in the Papy Pariah scheme of it, or in his character Bob Honey's scheme,

is those voters are one of two categories.

They are either the highly uninformed, and you could use a less polite word for some of them.

Deplorables.

Yeah.

Or called them.

And I think it was apt.

Yeah, and you're also looking at a country of people who are truly unwittingly willing to dismiss their love for their children to engage in

a kind of political temper tantrum and to,

you know, as he says in the book, look at me, I'm a pisser on a tree.

Ouch goes the human heart.

And so I think that we're in that time now.

And I to read this book.

And also the title got me, Bob Honey, who just do stuff, because that's what it's about.

He just do stuff.

so.

And you do stuff.

You do a lot of stuff.

I mean, I said in your intro, you run toward the fire.

You know, you always do that.

You go where it seems like it's most dangerous.

I mean, I could read a list of countries that you've gone to.

And sometimes it's our country, Katrina.

You went there.

We saw you in the rowboat.

You went to Haiti.

You went to Cuba.

You went to Venezuela, Iran, Iraq.

What's wrong with you?

Why do you

always run toward the danger?

Is it an adrenaline thing, Sean?

I think we can't count on Bill Maher alone to tell us the truth.

And I got nowhere else to go, so

when I need a break from you, I go and find out there

because you're not going to get it in the New York Times.

I'm not coming with you.

You know me.

I'm not.

No, I don't have that kind of courage.

I mean, you have physical courage.

It's just sort of.

Verbal courage.

Well, I think it's also I have a certain inability to focus unless I have a kind of cultural reference, you know, with my own experience there.

And once I can read the book about it, once I've been there and seen it,

I have a tough time doing it in reverse.

Okay, so this book, we are talking about you're going to be doing a reading at LACMA?

Is that right?

What is that?

The Los Angeles County Museum?

The Museum of Modern Art.

August?

No, I'm October 6th.

Oh, gosh, it's October tomorrow.

Please, I can only take one more fucking month of this election.

Sean, thank you for being here.

I love you for doing what you did the other night.

Show your pen, everybody.

All right, let's meet our panel.

Hey, there they are, Steve, my old friend.

All right, he's Snapchat's head of news where he hosts Good Luck America.

What a perfect title for this show.

Peter Hamby.

Hi, Peter.

How you doing?

Good.

She is the CNN political commentator and CEO of Impact Strategies.

Angela Rai is back with us.

And he's one of our longtime friends here on this panel.

He's a Trump economic advisor and co-author of Fueling Freedom, Exposing the Mad War on Energy.

Steve Moore, back with us, Steve.

Okay.

There is no overtime tonight because I am actually on stage at the Mirage in Vegas.

How's that going to happen?

Wow.

Tonight at 10 o'clock.

Are you going on the Trump chat?

Not the Trump jet.

All right, so I mentioned I'm...

I'm glad there's only a month left.

I'm about to lose it.

Seriously, I just have one question for you, Steve, because I know you're a Trump supporter.

Have you lost your goddamn mind?

Tell me.

He's brave enough to be here in the lines then.

But seriously, what did you think when you saw today, when you, what time you get up in the morning, early?

Well, I was in Denver, so I didn't see the

what Trump was doing between 3.20 and 5.30 when people should be sleeping.

Even I'm sleeping at that hour.

And he is just saying, check out this sex tape.

You really think this person should be the president of the United States?

I'm frustrated.

I am frustrated because we have such huge problems in this country right now.

And look, you look at the debate on Monday.

I mean,

look, Trump got off track in a lot of things.

But

I think everybody would agree when it came to the economy, he killed Hillary, right?

I mean, Hillary's trying to defend.

I think Melan would agree with that.

We want to cut taxes.

She wants to raise them, right?

Zero people would agree.

We've leave out tenure.

No.

I can't wait to respond to that.

This week, we had a...

Not even rich people agree with that.

No, it's true.

You know who does?

Working class people.

Trump is not the candidate of the rich.

He's the candidate of the working class.

That's where he's getting the vote.

And his his money.

No, no.

Wait a second.

Trump is killing it with small donors.

Let's get the facts on that.

Hillary is doing killing it.

He should have been raising it.

Better than any Republican ever did, better than Hillary's.

He should have been raising money online a year ago because he would be rolling in dough.

Now, what's really interesting, and I'd be interested in your opinion on this.

He is almost to the left of Bernie Sanders on trade or the way he talks about it.

He's completely redefined Republican economic dogma.

It's remarkable.

And it's had a deep appeal, especially in places like Ohio, where he's cutting into Hillary's lead, in counties, especially northeast Ohio, that Barack Obama won by 30 points.

Donald Trump of the 90s, though, was

like applauding Bill Clinton and what he was doing with the economy because he said in the 90s that he was being very successful.

I wish he was

the candidate for the working class, but that's because they're deceived.

So as soon as they find out.

How are they deceived?

They've seen the worst recovery from a

lot of people.

I'm happy to talk about that.

I mean, look, Americans are hurting that school.

We have one point.

No, it is not.

No, we have not.

This was

10% is like being in a recession.

Okay, wait a second.

Only the top 20% have made gains in the last year.

No, no, no, maximum basis.

Wait, I must fucking stop you.

I told you, this is so much better.

I'm going to lose it.

We can listen to the dead of the debate.

Because, again, I hear this all the time from Trump at the debate, from other Republicans.

I heard this fucking moron, Larry Kudlow.

He's one of my best friends.

I'm sure he is.

Really, everyone I've a fucking idiot tonight is going to.

I know I say that too much, but it's true.

So you're going to defend this economy?

Wait a second.

Wait a minute.

Yes,

this economy stinks.

Sell out in real America.

It doesn't stink.

Sell out in real America.

Go to Pennsylvania, Ohio.

Let me just get talk to people.

Let me just get

this economy.

You can talk to voters who are misinformed.

Let me read.

Let me know your financial situation.

Let me read the facts from the Census Bureau.

All right.

Okay?

Right.

I actually read the reports.

This was very big news a couple of weeks ago.

It destroyed a lot of talking points that Republicans have had for years, like all the wealth is going to the top percent, the middle class is stuck.

In 2015, middle class incomes had their fastest increase ever recorded.

The median family got a $3,000 raise.

The highest income growth was among the poorest, 10%.

Poverty had its steepest decline since 1968.

In 2015, both the poor and the middle class made greater gains percentage-wise than the rich.

Larry Kudlow said, folks are not happy.

They want to change.

The one thing that has been tried, we had the Obama stimulus package.

We had all the infrastructure spending.

It didn't work.

It did work.

We have 40 million people in poverty today.

The average American bill, you talked about the private sector.

So he didn't make things perfect.

40 million people in poverty is not making things.

When did they go?

But your candidate, your candidate.

40 million people in poverty, and the average American worker over the last 10 years, since 2007, has not had a pay rate.

And your candidate doesn't want to raise their wages either.

So he does.

No, he doesn't.

He doesn't.

We want to get control of the poor.

We want to cut taxes.

Nobody wants to raise taxes.

Nobody wants to raise taxes.

Nobody wants to raise taxes.

Nobody wants the raise taxes.

So I know you're really excited, but let me be really clear.

This is not the Monday night debate.

And I'm not Hillary Clinton.

So I'm just being very clear with you.

I have something to say, and I need you to let me talk.

Thank you.

The point is very simple.

When your candidate was asked whether or not he wanted to raise the minimum wage, he initially said no.

Now he wants a slight increase.

If you want to talk about wages,

medium wage.

You're still not going to let me win.

You want to raise wages for middle class folks this is going to be a great conversation multiple independent analysts let her get our thought let her finish her thought it's fine peter go ahead no no no no no no finish your thought and then the the the only point that i'm raising here is your candidate has deceived his voter base he has been

really how

steve steve let it's fine he watched donald trump on monday and this is what he did he interrupted hillary 29 times i think you've interrupted me 53.

so my point is very simple.

He's deceived his base because they're angry.

They need someone to blame.

Unfortunately, this guy who's been sued 82 times alone, just in federal court, has been sued because he's taken advantage of the very people who he says he's setting out to help.

Small business owners who he said didn't do their jobs.

That's what he said at the debate.

That they didn't do their jobs.

After he allowed the services and the goods to be provided, they didn't do their jobs.

He knows that they were going to sue him and would run out of money.

He takes advantage of the people who are in his base now.

What fascinates me

is that

the Republican establishment, Wall Street Journal readers, the green eyeshade class of the Republican Party in Washington, which has always been obsessed with managing the debt and policy.

You know, independent analysts have said that Trump's tax cuts would drive up the debt significantly higher than Hillary's plan.

Republican senators.

You're going to lecture me on the debt

when Barack Obama doubled the debt in eight years?

Come on.

Hillary Clinton never

raised a peak of protests when Barack Obama raised the debt by more money than every president from George Washington to George Crusader.

He was confused by Republicans.

He is the king of debt and the business.

Much of that, of course, because he inherited the worst recession

after made Republicans.

But wait a second.

Let me ask you this.

Why, how come he should be the hero of big business?

The top 100 Fortune 500 companies, none of them will endorse him.

Why aren't these leaders backing him?

He's giving them a giant tax cut.

You know why?

Because they know he's going to crash the economy.

Because in the Billionaire Boys Club, they know he's a crook.

He doesn't pay his bills.

He's going to default on the debt.

If he was elected in November, the economy would crash before he took office.

We saw saw large companies who were associated with Trump's brands and pageants run screaming from him during the primaries.

One.

Two, the business community, the Chamber of Commerce class, they value stability.

And Trump is deeply unpredictable.

Well,

Hillary wants to invest in infrastructure.

Look, you can question

raising the tax plans with businesses, raising taxes on corporate.

We had spent $800 million on infrastructure and we still got the worst infrastructure what happened all that money immigration reform spending money on roads and bridges all i'm i'm answering bill's question which is that the chamber of commerce community the centrist business class values those things and by the way i know what happened to that money because i live on a street where it was fixed okay so yes i have potholes we have potholes

of course there are still potholes and there are still people in poverty we misspent all that money here's the point i would make to you of course big business is for hillary Clinton.

Big business is for Hillary.

Big labor is for Hillary.

All of the special interest groups in Washington are for Hillary Clinton.

Of course, they are.

Because Donald Trump is going to disrupt the city.

So what's funny is that Macy's doesn't even want anything to do with the Trump tie.

Like, that's the funny part.

So

the reality of this is your candidate doesn't have any goodwill left with Fortune 1000 companies.

Now, let me ask you this question.

How many jobs has Hillary Clinton ever created?

She was not allowed.

She was unselling public service.

That's my point.

She knows nothing.

No, that's not your case.

You're pointing crazy.

Because she's in public service.

You're right.

She is.

She's been in public service.

You're right.

No, you're right.

You're right.

You were right.

She has been in politics.

She is a professional politician.

No, she's really in public service.

She's been a professional politician for the last 20 years.

So it's Ronald Reagan.

You're in.

Public servant.

She has been a professional politician.

Donald Trump is a businessman.

We need a business.

With six bankruptcies to show for it, by the way.

He's made billions of money.

He's hired 10,000 people.

Hillary's joke, but you know, by the way, how did Hillary get rich?

How did Hillary and Bill Clinton get rich?

Off of politics.

Okay.

All right.

No, Donald Trump got rich by creating businesses.

Hillary and Bill Clinton got rich off of politics.

And he also got rich by stealing from small businesses.

I made that break.

You didn't hear it because you were talking about it.

He also steals from his own charity.

Then there's that.

Wait a minute.

What about the Clinton Foundation?

Come on.

Oh, my God.

Are you going to say that Donald Trump is stealing from his

mother's.

This is the stupidest talking point that the media falls for, that there's something shady about the Clinton Foundation.

What happened to all the money that was supposed to go to Haiti?

88% of what they take in most of the Haitians.

They have cured millions of people around the world.

There is no pay-for-play because she was never paid.

Oh, my God.

But you know what else, Bill?

Before this election, you know who else supported the Clinton Foundation?

Donald Trump.

He gave $100,000

to the Clinton Foundation.

That wasn't the hardest before he was.

The last money he gave back.

I'm sure Donald Trump wants his money back.

He always wants his money back.

He just hopes to get it.

He has not given a dime to his own Trump Foundation

since 2008.

And then he gives money.

People give the money to the Trump Foundation.

He writes a check.

People think, oh, it's from Donald Trump.

It's not from him.

And he's taken their money to buy shit for himself.

The reason why people won't do business with him, same reason why they don't want to do business in Russia.

It's shady.

You don't know what's going to happen.

Let's move on, Hillary.

Would you like?

No, I mean, here's a woman who gives speeches in books, and then they have given access to the White House.

She is truly the Napoleon of crime.

But

it's interesting that

five that I count so far, very conservative newspapers who have not supported, endorsed a Democrat for a long time, the Arizona Republic since 1896, Cincinnati Inquirer 1916, Dallas Morning News 1940, the Houston Chronicle, the San Diego Union Tribune, never support the Democrat.

They are doing it.

USA Today

has never endorsed, they still don't, but they said, don't vote for this one.

Right.

And then magazines, Rolling Stone, The Advocate, Wired have come out for Hillary.

Rolling Stone, who would have ever thought that?

Okay.

But here, but just show that, just to show that the equal time, there are some lesser-known magazines that have come out for Donald Trump.

Would you like to see

these are some lesser-known?

Lesser-known.

For example, for Donald Trump, Car and Liar.

They say, Mr.

Trump owns lots of cars and he lies his ass off.

What's not to life?

Unpopular Science is for Donald Trump.

They rave, you can make up practically anything about climate change, and this shithead will retweet it.

Absolutely.

Trump is the obvious choice.

Wine aficionado.

I love that.

That's my favorite.

They say, you don't see this many bitches at the dog show.

Oh, my God.

American sociopath.

Their endorsement reads, while we can't sense or process normal human emotion, something about this Trump family just feels right.

Good House Keeper magazine.

Oh no.

We heartily endorse Senor Trump because if we don't, he'll have us deported.

Modern mail order bride magazine.

They say we've done business with this man and the check clears.

This magazine translates as highlights for child laborers

And they say we support the orange American whose name we sew on the neckties

and

finally

Ferret Fancy magazine says

what's in his head doesn't make him one of us but what's on his head most certainly does all right Let's bring up Sarah.

She is a brilliant actress, a wonderful comedian.

She'll be appearing at the Sanger Theater in New Orleans on October 16th and at the MGM Grand in Las Vegas, October 21st.

Sarah Silverman.

Oh my boy.

How are you?

Great.

Look at you playing Vegas, the MGM Grand.

I am so proud of you.

I'm not taking a jet there tonight, but.

Yeah, but I am very proud of you.

Come on.

We worked hard and we played by the rules.

You taught me how to exfoliate with a dry brush before my shower.

You did.

I mean, it was like we were on the back.

It was, you, you, you bullied me into it.

We were on a basketball court and you were like, you don't exfoliate with the dry brush before you shower?

And then I was like, oh.

I didn't even know that's what it was supposed to do.

Is this the hunk you planned to come out here with?

No, I don't know.

Exfoliating with the dry brush?

Not at all.

I don't know.

It just, I saw you and I remembered it because I think of you every time I do it.

Let's talk politics.

Steve, I'm so glad you're here.

You're very brave.

Good Good to meet you.

That's right, isn't he brave?

Yeah.

So you're for Trump, right?

All right.

The sound of one hand.

Trump is the product of a long tradition of pointing at other people and accusing them of doing what you're doing.

And that's, you know, he's

now.

You know that?

Ever since you...

Fuck you.

Oh, what's a pundit?

No, it's a good thing.

Ever since you were at the Democratic Convention and you pointed at the Bernie people and said you're being ridiculous, and I thought it was wonderful.

That was just a moment.

They literally told us to stretch.

But

is that, do you wear the crown heavily now that you've been anointed as someone who's going to lead us in our political thinking?

Yeah, of course.

Yeah, no, I don't know.

I mean, there's no one more Bernie than me.

I am so inspired every day by Bernie Sanders.

The good news is,

you know, people who change the world are almost never the president, you know.

So we don't have them for four years.

We have them forever.

Is that so bad to settle for?

Well, actually, if people.

No, no, no.

The president is someone who changes the world.

Yes, but

let's just get that.

The people that we remember throughout history that have changed our world are almost never the president.

That's completely not true.

And

the very reason we're so afraid of Trump is because that it is true that the president is a family.

Oh, I see your line of thinking.

But I'm thinking of Donald Kennedy, Martin Luther King.

You know, some of those people changed the world.

But Martin Luther King didn't send troops into the South to make sure that the black people could go to college.

Are you sure?

President Kennedy did that.

Because of

pressure.

Because of pressures from outside people.

Yes, absolutely.

And Bernie needs an ally in office.

That's why I don't understand these Bernie or bust people.

You know, I don't know what their long game is.

I don't know what their perfect dream scenario is.

I earnestly am asking, or am I being obtuse?

No, you aren't.

But it seems that it would be good to have an ally in office.

I want to talk to them because, what are you, 28, 29 now?

You're a...

Almost.

I fucking hate that that's a big, funny joke.

You're a millennial and one with stamina.

Now, let me read the polls here on Clinton, 18 to 34 people.

Clinton, 31%.

Trump, 26.

Gary Johnson, 29%.

Gary Johnson.

Gary Johnson.

Gary Johnson.

Listen.

Is a fucking idiot.

I think he's a fucking idiot.

I like him.

He's a nice guy.

But he's another in my basket of fucking idiots.

Listen, I voted, and I believe you did in 2000 for Ralph Nader.

Yes, but this is not that kind of time.

Right, no, and he wasn't an idiot, but he also wasn't going to win.

And it was a mistake.

And he wanted to vote our conscience.

And I admitted it, it was a mistake.

Okay, but Gary Johnson, can I show you a little, we put a little montage of Gary Johnson together.

Just to remind, and we thought he was a cool guy.

You know, he smokes pot.

He was for pot.

He's not making pot look good.

Pot doesn't make you cool.

Right.

Pot is cool.

Pot is cool.

But it doesn't make you cool.

You know what's also cool?

Reading.

Here's a little bit of Gary Johnson for those thinking of voting for him.

Aleppo.

And what is Aleppo?

Aleppo.

Not

knowing that there's a city in between

the two forces.

Who's your favorite foreign leader?

Who's my favorite?

Anybody.

Pick any leader.

I'm having a brain.

I'm not sure.

We'll name anybody.

So weird.

Really?

And by the way, for the people, 29%, 18 to 34, who I assume a lot of them were Bernie people, right?

Okay, here are some

minimum wage.

Hillary's with Bernie.

Not Gary Johnson, believes in no minimum wage.

TPP, he's for that.

Hillary and Bernie are against it.

Citizens United,

all the money you want in politics.

Gun control wants none of that.

Financial regulation, universal health care, he's for repealing Obamacare.

Free college, he's against that.

He's for nothing that you fucking people want.

It's not even like, is that any, no one's even misinforming them about him like they are like with your friend.

You know, it's like people.

Yeah, no, that's true.

What you were saying was exactly right.

People vote because they're totally misinformed, and that is a real thing.

You know, there's something called Brexit that people voted for totally against their best.

You're against Brexit?

Are you

right?

Self-government.

What are you talking about?

They promised, they had huge signs on the sides of buses that said, you know, $325 million go to the EU that could be going to our health care.

They had no intention and said they had no intention once Brexit was voted through.

Then people are Googling what Brexit is after they voted in.

Gary Johnson.

Hey, pun, huh?

Wow, what if you're not being passionate?

Don't show my neck.

My neck goes crazy when I have passion.

You know what would help that a lot?

Exfoliating.

No, I think of you every day.

My God,

Gary Johnson is clearly unfit to be president.

But what exasperates me about Gary Johnson not knowing these things and the collective exasperation about it is that neither does Donald Trump.

And the problem is that a year ago, people should be giving Donald Trump pop quizzes, naming five countries in NATO.

What's the difference between Hamas and Hezbollah?

How does a bill become a law?

Well, does Donald Trump know those things?

I don't.

He doesn't.

He doesn't know them.

He's unserious.

It's so good.

And we should not have to treat this.

The way that Professor is...

That's not going to be a problem.

You mean by knowing things?

They're sick of people who are.

We should get a Demi's head.

He doesn't know all of it.

People mean against people who do book learning.

Yes.

It's not.

You don't want somebody who knows how to create jobs.

You're just such a job.

We don't have enough jobs in the United States.

Once again, facts.

The unemployment is 4.9%.

4%.

Bill, you know it's not.

When you count the people who drop out of the workforce, when you count people who have property jobs because of Obamacare, the real unemployment rate in this country is 10% of the country.

When a Democrat is president, we don't count the stats from the

record number of people drop out of the workforce.

But you know what else?

But here's the bigger problem.

To argue that point.

Here's the bigger problem.

His candidate also counts students who are in high school and who are in college, and you count them, and then you say black people's unemployment is at 51%.

Lies.

We are also in school.

So that's the other problem.

Black Americans have had the biggest decline of income under Barack the Bottom of any group.

I'm not even in.

Do you think black Americans are doing well today?

Hello.

I think they're doing well.

Exhibit A, honey.

You're not right, what eatles.

You can't talk to Andrew.

Black America is doing well, and what I'm not going to allow you all to continue to do is to make it seem like I walk out my door, there's gunfire immediately.

I'm not going to let you say, I walk out the door, and I can't read.

Your candidate can't read.

I walk out the door, and I can't afford to, like, you're just not going to do it.

Like, we do have challenges in our community.

What have the Democrats done for your community?

You got no jobs.

You've got no economic development.

No jobs.

I've been to Destroyed.

I've been to people.

I've been to Democrats.

I've been to the place of the people.

That's fantastic.

I'm going to respond to you.

I'm going to respond to you.

It's ridiculous.

So, what I'm going to tell you is very clearly, and I say this all the time, and hopefully this will bless your life and change it.

Racism.

Racism

is a bipartisan problem.

This isn't about what Democrats did or did not do.

No, they've done it.

Republicans have done done the same.

I'm from Chicago.

Congratulations.

Democrats have run for Chicago for 60 years.

You've got 3,000 people.

And you know what?

You can't blame you.

And where did the guns come from?

And it's so funny.

He the ones who didn't want Stop Hills.

No, I agree.

And he kind of.

Stop and Frisk has done more to reduce crime in the city.

It's now he's against it because it's unconstitutional.

It's not unconstitutional.

I can't debate what somebody's going to say.

That she goes on to do it.

All right.

I didn't want this show to turn into one where everyone's screaming and you can't hear what anybody says.

But are we the same?

My fault, my fault.

I started screaming.

What are we talking about?

Stop it.

Now no one's talking.

Fabulous

about this.

Okay, but

let's go to the point of false equivalency.

Because I think this is

very relevant to what you're talking about.

And I have one more fucking idiot I want to get to.

I tweeted he's a fucking idiot, and he is, Colin Kaepernick.

I'm for...

Thank you.

I thought I'd one.

Yeah, but not for the same reason.

Yeah, he is.

He is.

He's a fucking idiot.

I'm for his protest.

I'm for the taking the knee.

But here's what he says on race.

You have Hillary, who was called black teens or black kids super predators, and you have Donald Trump, who's openly racist.

This is the false equivalency.

He says, both are proven liars, and it almost seems like they're trying to debate who's less racist.

Okay, they're not both proven liars.

Politico has, PolitiFact has looked at this, okay?

She lies less than most politicians.

He lies more than anyone they've ever seen.

70 plus percent.

That's right.

And they're not...

And they're not both racists.

Donald Trump is a racist.

Hillary Clinton works her whole life for the opposite.

Okay.

What?

She's been a public servant for almost three decades.

He has not served anyone other than himself.

I'm sick of professional politicians.

Don't you get that?

They've screwed up this country.

We've got to go to the country.

But it's not screwed up.

Professional politicians have created a situation.

What is it?

Crime on the street where we have no good jobs in this country.

Crime is down.

Crime is down.

Oh, yeah.

Go to Chicago and tell people that.

Go to Chicago.

You picked the one place.

And it's all gangsta.

The murder rate was up 10% last year.

It's not the same.

The murder rate was up 10% last year.

Unless you're trying to horn in on someone's territory, Steve.

Well, I'm not going to go to the inner cities because that's where the crime is.

Who cares about people?

What has he done?

I think he gave money to one of the people.

He's got 10,000 jobs.

He's created one of the greatest businesses in the world.

People in work for Hamilton let you finish.

You're presenting.

I've tried.

Macron will let you finish.

Isn't being president, I mean, the president should create jobs.

There should be economic growth.

But being president's about more than just creating jobs.

It's also securing the border.

It's having a song.

The border is simpler than it was.

Border crossings are down.

That's another myth

that the borders are out of

His whole campaign hangs on this myth that things are so desperate in this country, which they are not, that we need this giant asshole to come in

like the magnificent seven and save the town.

But we're not desperate.

We get out of Los Angeles, get out of St.

Kill County.

I get out of Los Angeles every weekend.

Go to places like North Pennsylvania.

Go to Los Angeles.

There is a mythology.

Go to Ohio.

Go to my house.

There are people really hurting in this country.

There are people hurting

in the Rust Belt.

There is a sense of economic stagnation.

However, it is a mythology that in the Midwest, outside of New York and L.A., that everything is just a wasteland.

Ohio has a humming-peppy modern economy

with investments in solar and technology.

They got it from the Shahole Hell and Gas Revolution.

Well, that's a Governor Kaysick.

So you would think by listening to Trump and all these Republicans that America is a place where there is always a problem.

Why are snapshots

at your throat?

I don't think anybody notices their throat.

Why are voters?

I don't know.

I'm talking to these voters.

They are angry, Bill.

So

I'm not angry.

Because they're misinformed.

Not only are they misinformed.

They're not stupid.

They're racist.

They're xenophobes.

I mean,

they're not going to be able to get those.

Oh, much more than that.

But yes.

That's a good winning message for the Democrats.

People are saying that they're not going to be able to do that.

Well, they're not saying that.

Well, I'm saying that I'm saying that you have at least half of your supporters that are in the basket of deplorables.

I can't believe that.

So I really would like to.

I would like to say that.

I don't need you to be my amen corner.

I need you to let me finish my thought.

I really need to.

I really, really need you to do that.

I really, really need you to do that.

Seriously.

My point is, not only are they misinformed, there are voters who are angry.

In many instances, human beings are angry.

People who are angry.

Then there's that.

But I think at the end of the day, you have a situation where people need someone to blame.

There are folks in your camp who have chosen to blame Barack Obama because he's not a U.S.

citizen.

There are folks in your camp who have chosen to blame black people because we're takers, Paul Ryan.

Yeah, he apologized for it, but there are supporters who still believe that.

That is the problem.

All right, we got to move to new rules, everybody.

New rules, my Facebook friends have to stop posting this picture of Michelle Obama

hugging George Bush like a lion made friends with a pony.

She's not hugging him because she likes him.

She smelled gin on his breath again and she's stopping him from dancing.

Oh no.

Okay.

This one addresses the point we were just discussing about, people.

New rule, if you're this dumb.

And prepared with an answer.

We have to have an explanation from President Obama.

And we never got one from him, did we?

What does he have to explain?

Where he was born.

Just show his birth certificate.

I have mine at home at my safety park.

He did show it.

No.

Then you can't have a dog.

Because it's smarter than you and that's not how this whole master pet thing is supposed to work.

Or Or maybe I'm confused, and the dog rescued you from a box behind the 7-Eleven.

Neural, the 21-year-old Australian man who was just bitten by a poisonous spider on his penis for the second time this year,

must be told that there are easier ways to get people to suck it.

No.

Oh, I'm sorry, I wasn't that supportive.

It was good.

New rural President Obama must admit that this look doesn't say, I have deep respect for Native American culture and traditions.

It says, yes, Republicans, now I am just fucking with you.

New rural Parisians must stop thinking they're so enlightened now that Paris has approved a clothing-free zone within its city limits.

Here in America, hundreds of cities already have clothing-free zones.

They're called Walmarts.

And finally, new rule, and this one's for Trump voters.

If you think you hate the establishment now, wait until he wins and the Trump surrogates, that basket of inexplicables he sends out every day to speak for him, become the establishment.

Wait until Steve Cortez and Katrina Pearson and Chris Christie and Amarosa are trundling down the corridors of power, bumping into the walls.

We're thinking of giving these people the reins of power.

I wouldn't put them on the bus without asking the driver to make sure they don't miss their stop.

So in examining all of Donald Trump's surrogates, it's very helpful to remember that Trump actually once said this.

Always be around unsuccessful people because everybody will respect you.

Do you understand that?

Well, it does explain Rudy Giuliani.

Yes.

Absolutely.

Rudy Giuliani, who claims America never had a problem with terror attacks until Obama came along.

Really?

You can't even think of one?

I'll give you a hint, Rudy.

You make your living off of it.

Donald Trump also once said, sometimes people will come into my office and they'll look great, sound great, dress beautifully.

Everything is great.

Then after you hire them, they turn out to be morons.

Which explains his sons, Uday and Kusik.

I mean, Trump Sr.

in the White House is bad enough without these two American psychos

putting plastic over the furniture so they can axe murder prostitutes while discussing Phil Collins.

And how about the non-professionals?

Have you seen Pastor Mark Burns?

He's the pastor who gave the benediction at the Republican Convention.

And I'm not saying he's a total charlatan.

It's possible that the free vial of holy oil available from his website can cure the sick.

And if not, you can always use it as righteous lube.

But he does seem to have lied about everything.

Again, the bio that's on your website claims that you earned a Bachelor of Science degree.

Did you make that claim?

I asked you just a moment ago as we were just opening up this.

And first of all, I said that we were off the record.

I didn't agree to that.

Yeah, but I did.

I did.

Did you catch that?

The interviewer says, I didn't agree this was off the record.

And he says, yeah, but I did.

Right.

Yes.

What do you think for him?

Secretary of State, maybe?

Head of NASA, perhaps.

Another familiar face on CNN for the Trump campaign is Margo Gutierrez, a leader of Trump's Hispanic Advisory Council, and quite a spokesman for his peeps.

He is.

He once said, my culture is very dominant culture, and it's causing problems.

If you don't do something about it, you're going to have a taco truck on every corner.

Okay, first of all, would that be such a bad thing?

You mean when I'm drunk, I don't have to wander around L.A.

looking for a taco truck?

That's the best argument for Hillary I've heard yet.

But beyond that, Mr.

Gutierrez is a real estate scam artist who's filed for bankruptcy 14 times.

He's not just a Latino for Trump, he's a Latino Trump.

Then there's

little Kaylee McEnany, a kind of Ann Coulter without the empathy.

And another young woman defending Trump, campaign spokesman, someone's crazy ex-girlfriend.

I'm sorry, I mean Katrina Pearson, who wears a necklace made out of bullets from the Chanel Don't Tread on Me collection

and once defended it by tweeting, maybe I'll wear a fetus next time.

About

Trump's proposed Muslim ban, she said.

You know what?

So what?

They're Muslim.

And in 2012, she tweeted, perfect, Obama's dad born in Africa, Mitt Romney's dad, born in Mexico.

Any pure breeds left?

Sick.

Sick.

Purebreeds?

Where do you study your talking points?

By the light from a burning cross?

Absolutely.

She also blames Obama for launching the war in Afghanistan, even though it was four years before he was even in the Senate.

and has said about nuclear weapons, what good is having them if you're not going to use them?

If this were the $100,000 pyramid, I'd say things a mental patient says.

So, what do you think?

Ambassador of the UN for her?

But I'd have to say that of all the surrogates, my favorite has to be Mr.

Michael Cohen.

Just take a look at him in action on CNN.

But you guys are down, and it makes sense that there would

be a lot of people.

Says who?

Most of them.

All of them?

Says who?

Polls.

I just told you I answered your question.

Okay.

Which polls?

All of them.

So good.

So good.

I want a t-shirt.

Ben, who?

Well played, sir.

And he's a lawyer.

In fact, he's the head lawyer at the Trump organization.

So we know he's awfully busy with lawsuits, like the one Trump filed against me in 2013.

Remember that lawsuit?

Okay, a lot of people remember it as a

defamation suit.

It wasn't.

He was suing me to collect $5 million because I offered that to him if he could prove that his mother didn't, in fact, fuck an ape.

So

he went into court.

This happened.

He went into court and produced his birth certificate as if it was going to say orangutan on it.

Yes, I made Donald Trump produce his birth certificate, and I'm very proud of that.

Very proud of that.

All right, that's our show.

I'll be at the Mirage tonight somehow and tomorrow night.

and at Foxwoods in Connecticut, October 22nd at the Palace and Obli, November 6th.

I want to thank Peter Hamby, Angela Rye, Steve Moore, Sarah Shelberman, and Sean Penn.

Thank you, folks.

Catch all new episodes of Real Time with Bill Maher every Friday night at 10, or watch him anytime on HBO On Demand.

For more information, log on to HBO.com.