Episode #402 (Originally aired 08/05/16)

Charlie Sheen is an icon of decadence.

I lit the fuse and my life turns into everything it wasn't supposed to be.

He's going the distance.

He was the highest paid TV star of all time.

When it started to change, it was quick.

He kept saying, No, no, no, I'm in the hospital now, but next week I'll be ready for the show.

Now, Charlie's sober.

He's gonna tell you the truth.

How do I present this with any class?

I think we're past that, Charlie.

We're past that, yeah.

Somebody call action.

AKA Charlie Sheen, only on Netflix, September 10th.

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Welcome to an HBO podcast from the HBO Late Night Series, Real Time with Bill Maher.

Good afternoon.

Afternoon.

Time will be

real time.

All right, if you're

Thank you very much.

You're very kind.

Thank you.

Well, we are live right against when the Olympics are starting, the opening ceremonies.

That's pretty exciting, right?

I know.

They say they took everybody's breath away.

At least according to the autopsy, I tell you,

I had no idea there was such a thing as synchronized dysentery.

This is

quite an Olympics they're having there.

I wish them the best of luck.

But look, I have to mention this: we are taking a month off after today's show.

Oh, thank you very much.

I would give the same advice to the Trump campaign.

Oh, my God.

I don't know if you noticed, but this week the Trump campaign exploded like a meth lab.

And

it's not even really a campaign anymore.

It's more like a jackass stunt.

It's a shopping cart powered by a Roman candle up a guy's ass.

That's

as close as I can.

Really, I mean, Donald Trump, we've lived at this for a year now, but this was really the week of where do I begin?

The feud with Mr.

Khan and the Gold Star families.

He said the election is rigged.

He said women who are sexually harassed should find another job.

He said he saw a video of money going to Iran that doesn't exist.

Someone gave him a purple heart and he took it.

and said, oh, I always wanted one.

This is a lot easier.

He couldn't stop feuding with the press, with his own party, with fire marshals, and a baby.

A baby.

And today a hot mic caught him telling mom's apple pie to go fuck itself.

He threw a baby out.

Page one of the Politician's Handbook.

Babies.

Be nice to babies.

He threw a baby out of one of his rallies, which is terrifying because it means that Trump supporters breed.

It's terrible.

The guy I almost feel sorry for is his vice president, Mike Pence.

Poor Mike Pence.

He has this, I'm toughing this out look

like

he's smuggling something huge in his ass, you know.

I mean, all of this is just such unprecedented, uncharted waters.

The president, our president Obama, was asked about Trump, and he said what no president has ever said in a campaign, but it's true, he's unfit to be president, which made Trump furious.

He said, how can you say that about a guy who's got the purple heart?

So,

to no one's surprise, sort of, Trump's poll numbers are finally sinking.

It turns out in the general election, unlike the Republican primary, you need readers.

Anyone can win a popularity contest when the other choice is Ted Cruz.

It's like if there were only two pets at the pound when you went to adopt, and

one was an eel, you know,

you'd adopt the orange-haired dog with the comb over it.

That's not.

The Republican establishment, what's left of it, is in total panic mode.

They are trying desperately to find some way to close the hole in the candidate's head where the stupid comes out.

But it's not easy to do.

They do have a plan.

It involves cutting the fuel line to his plane.

And they're also talking about an intervention, an intervention.

But the idea that you can get a guy to change everything he has ever said, done, or believed in in a day.

Oh, well, wait, Mitt Romney did it.

But of all the nuttiness that went on this week, my favorite was when Donald Trump posted a picture of himself, there he is, on his plane all alone, eating Kentucky fried chicken.

An overweight 70-year-old man eating a deep-fried bucket of salt and fat,

or like it said on the Obama poster, hope.

All right, we got a great show.

Rob Reiner, Rick Santorum, and Tara Suttonier are here.

And a little later, we'll be speaking with the Roastmaster General himself, Jeff Ross.

But first up,

he is the editor-in-chief of Wikileaks, who comes to us from the Ecuadorian Embassy in London, Julian Assange.

Julian, great to see you again.

Hi, guys.

Hey, how are you doing, Julian?

Great to see you again.

I know there's going to be a bit of a delay,

like in your life.

But you're back in the news, of course, because WikiLeaks released thousands and thousands of emails from the Democratic National Committee right before the Democratic Convention.

And you, of course, in the past, have released lots of documents from governments.

But people questioned whether this was fair game, because the Democratic National Committee is not a government, it's private, and some of the donors had their Social Security numbers and credit card numbers released.

Do you think this is fair game?

Well,

it was definitely good fun.

Fair game, well,

we did the same thing to Senator Norm Coleman's campaign, a Republican senator back in 2009, the Turkish political party, AKP, just the other week, a neo-Nazi party here in the UK a few years ago.

I can't remember the name of it,

irritating party, British National Party.

So

no, I think I'm super happy

with how that's gone.

We've had four

people in the DNC resign, W.

Wasserman Schultz, the head, the chief financial officer, the communications director, Louis Miranda, etc.

And that shows a kind of instant accountability,

perhaps not proper political accountability for

a really quite concerted effort through the chain of command at the DNC to make sure that Bernie Sanders didn't win, including by pumping out Black PR.

Well, I don't know if that's really true.

I mean, I read those emails.

There was no smoking gun.

I do.

I know that it's true.

I know that it's true.

Communications director Louis Miranda, who has resigned just three days ago,

instructed his staff an instruction, not a discussion, an instruction to pump out, quote, in an unattributable manner,

statements and an article saying that Bernie Sanders supporters were engaged in acts of violence.

So this is the DNC

demonizing in a covert manner through its chain of command to the press and its its favoured press contacts a Democrat, saying that a Democrat was conducting violence when you have the Trump at the same allegations against the Trump campaign,

thereby watering down the critique against the Trump campaign and of course pumping up that.

Why haven't we seen anything hacked from the Trump campaign?

I mean, obviously we know these came from Russia and we also know that you do not like Hillary Clinton at all, as does not Vladimir Putin.

So it looks like you are working with a bad actor, Russia, to put your thumb on the scale and basically fuck with the one person who stands in the way of us being ruled by Donald Trump.

Just before I came in here, we thought we'd do a little search on our files.

And I do notice notice that a William Mayer

gave a Clinton-affiliated entity a million dollars.

Now, it's a William Mayer

in

LA at the time that money came.

Perhaps you would like to comment.

Is that you?

Yeah, I don't think you have to look in your files to find that, Julian.

I gave Obama a million dollars.

I made it public.

The whole point of it was to make it public so that people in 2012 would understand that the game had moved to the million-dollar level after our Citizens United ruling.

I wasn't trying to hide it.

I was trying to publicize it.

I don't know what the point is.

Is there another million dollars going to Hillary or equivalent?

Fuck no.

But

no, no.

I can't give a million dollars every time somebody runs

for president.

But

okay.

I don't know.

2008, I could understand.

2012, I'm not so sure about that.

But okay,

let's tackle these criticisms.

We did not publish full credit card numbers about donors.

It's the last four digits, just like your 7-Eleven receipt, it's very important for tracking

money laundering.

And there are serious allegations of money laundering and FEC violations in the data release.

Our materials, the materials that we release, are pristine.

We're really good at this.

We have a 10-year perfect record of having never got it wrong in relation to the integrity of what we've released.

There's no allegation, even from Debbie Wasson and Schultz or any of these people, that any of the material is not completely valid and true.

What there is,

is a conflation between our publications, DNC leaks, and an extensive variety of hacks of the DNC and frankly other organizations over the last two years, possibly by state actors, that wouldn't be at all surprising, but also a number of others.

DNI Clapper, the head of all U.S.

intelligence agencies, James Clapper, said

last Friday that the media was hyper-ventilating, they couldn't make an attribution, let alone as to motivation.

And even that was just about the hacks.

It's not about the material we released.

But we know the source of the material right everyone knows the source of what we published uh the source is the democratic party the source is but uh lewis miranda possible and schultz etc etc all right uh i know i know you've i know you defended atheists but uh included in there by the discussion with louis miranda is a plot a plot to frame Bernie Sanders as being an atheist

and not as being Jewish.

First of all, it wasn't a plot.

Somebody mentioned it, and nobody did anything about it.

Okay, let's move on to the other part.

We don't know whether people did anything about it or not.

What we know was a discussion.

Okay, you've weighed me down on

the other case that I mentioned before where Lewis Miranda gave an instruction to staff about

black propaganda against Bernie Sanders.

All right, so

why don't you hack into Donald Trump's tax returns?

Well

we're working on it.

All right.

I mean it's interesting because Edward Snowden criticized you.

I mean his tweet was democratization Democratizing information has never been more vital and WikiLeaks has helped.

And by the way, I would agree with that.

I'm all for you getting the Nobel Prize, which you have been nominated for six times.

Welcome to the club with the nominations.

But he said, but their hostility to.

That won't happen either.

But their hostility to even modest curation is a mistake.

Does he have a point?

I mean, I think you and Edward Stowden are lumped together a lot, but it seems like what his thing is, is about privacy.

And what your thing is about is transparency.

And privacy and transparency are kind of at loggerheads are they not?

They are a little bit, a little bit, that's true.

I suppose, well

he doesn't really know the definition of curation.

So creation is not censorship of the ruling political parties' cash flows.

I have to make a little bit of a complaint here, although I shouldn't really go there.

You know, Edward Snowden hasn't published anything in three years.

He did one thing, and it was a very important thing.

And it was, in fact, so important

that I and this organization saved his ass by rescuing him from Hong Kong,

getting him asylum, making 23 asylum applications, and setting up his defense fund, the Courage Foundation, which I'm a trustee of today.

So, okay.

I know Edward is trying to get a pardon at the end of the Obama presidency.

And so he's, you know, he's playing that game.

I understand.

He's in a very serious situation.

If you look at Chelsea Manning, one of my alleged sources, sentenced to 35 years in prison, Hillary Clinton's spokesperson resigned because he was also being tortured in prison.

A formal finding by the UN.

So there is a serious fate away from Edward Snowden in the United States.

And Hillary Clinton, Donald Trump said that he would execute him.

Hillary Clinton said, of course, that that she would aggressively prosecute.

So you have really two, from the perspective of WikiLeaks trying to protect its sources, you have really two very bad

presidential candidates.

Well, we could go all night arguing about that, but we don't have time.

I would just say, in response to what you said about Mr.

Snowden, I know you can get into everybody's computer.

I don't know if you can get into Edward Snowden's mind.

But nevertheless, I'm with you, brother.

You seem like you're in a better state of mind than the last time I talked to you, and I hope you get out soon.

Thank you very much.

Julian.

I like having a pup.

All right, let's greet our panel.

Okay.

All right, he is a director of so many great movies we all love that have tested the standard the test of time.

His new film LBJ premieres at theronto film festival in september rob reiner is back with us

she is a cnn political commentator and former communications director for representative dana rawbacker tara settmire is back with us hey sir

And he is the former two-term senator from Pennsylvania and former Republican candidate for president.

We call him the brave Christian for coming on our show.

Our friend Rick Santorum is over here.

Thank you, Rick.

All right, don't forget us to send us your questions for tonight's overtime, so we can answer them on YouTube.

Okay, so I have mixed feelings about going on break while Donald Trump is still rampaging across the landscape.

I feel like I should be here to report on it, but I have for the last year, and it's gotten a little too easy to make fun of him.

I mean, when mailmen are making Trump jokes, I'm like, yeah, I will go on vacation.

But this week was something we've never really seen before.

I know politicians have gotten elected from jail.

This might be the first one to get elected from the loony bin.

And yet he took in $82 million

in small donors.

I think he's doing to politics what Bialishtock and Bloom and his producers did to Broadway, purposefully trying to have a flop so we can built the investors.

Absolutely.

I've said from the beginning I don't think he really wants to win.

He's been like trying to lose and and he's like, I keep winning.

What is wrong with these people?

But it's astonishing.

I mean, because you look at the last 10 days and you go, how could any serious candidate for the presidency behave this way?

It's astonishing.

Well,

it's easy to behave that way when you're mentally ill.

You were saying, you know, you were saying all these people, there are a lot of, you know, very, very expert professionals are coming out and talking about, I'm not joking about that, that there's a mental illness there and it's not like he's trying to lose.

He can't help himself.

This is what he does.

That's so true.

I would agree that he has shown that he can't help himself in the personal attacks.

But let's not miss the point that Donald Trump has struck a nerve in this country,

not dissimilar to what happened at Brexit in the UK.

There are a lot of people out in this country who feel like the establishment, the Democrats and Republicans, pocks on both their houses, are

in the game for those, their buddies and friends, and

whether it's trade or whether it's immigration or whether it's tax policy, whether it's everybody's taking care of their buddies.

And a large swath, Bernie tapped in it on the Democratic side, Donald did on the Republican side, and they're pissed off.

And you know what they want?

They want a big change.

And let me tell you, Hillary Clinton isn't a big change.

She's a zero change.

And Donald Trump, if he can't do that,

but he can't.

Look, if he can.

If he can't stop being mentally ill.

If he could just stop being mentally ill.

Stay focused.

But he can't, Rick.

You've seen that already.

Well, yeah, I mean, today.

Today.

Today.

One day, what does he want a cookie?

I'm acting like an adult.

I'm acting like an adult today.

I'm taking him to Dairy Queen.

I think deserves he deserves an Atta Boy for today.

He got his act together on all the endorsements.

Haven't we lowered

our

company?

Let's see.

He loses.

This is your country, too.

You can't really mean this.

I mean, I know

you've endorsed Donald Trump.

I did.

Okay.

Are you still proud of that endorsement?

Look, yes.

The answer is, do I like some of the things that Donald Trump has been doing?

Absolutely not.

I like any of the things that Donald Trump is doing.

I do like some of the things he's doing.

Absolutely.

He is focused on immigration, on trade, on things that are on the store.

He's not focused on

that.

He's focused on

things out.

Yeah, okay.

He's focused on anyone who criticizes him.

The reason why we could never have Donald Trump for president is that he was insulted last Thursday night by that Muslim man at the convention, and it's dominated the news cycle ever since.

His number one priority is getting back at anybody who has slighted him in any way.

It's so easy.

Mike Morrell, who used to run the CIA, said today in the New York Times that he can't be the president.

What?

He said, because the reason for Democratic, I mean, he was appointed by, look, he's a Democratic operative in my respect.

I mean, look,

he worked for a Democratic president.

He's going to go after the president.

Wait, wait, wait, wait.

He's worked for three Republicans in

Democrats.

That's the very first time.

I've been learning 40 years in the CIA.

You know this is not a not a political thing.

I understand all those things.

All I can tell you is that the American public, just like we saw when all of the experts, all of the people on the Conservative Party, all of the folks in the Labor Party, you know, it's going to be a disaster if we do this.

And they said, sorry, we are tired of being treated like we don't exist.

And Donald Trump...

Throughout the course of his campaign, I'm not saying the last two weeks, the last two weeks have not been two good weeks, but throughout the course of his campaign, he has tapped into that vein.

And if he can get back his way,

at what point does that become an embarrassment?

I mean, you can tap into that without behaving like a petulant child all the time.

This is for the presidency of the United States.

This isn't for the apprentice.

This isn't a reality show.

This is real life.

And everything that Donald Trump says and does has an effect not only in the U.S., but globally.

And we look at this when he's making things up about, you know, videos and he's going after Mexican, you know, American judges because of their ethnicity.

These are irresponsible things that you can do.

In other words, he's telling lies like another presidential candidate, Hillary Clinton.

But we're supposed to be better.

But that also doesn't state a line like that.

You just say that.

It's not true.

It's not in truth.

But the FBI said it was true.

Let's talk about the FBI.

He said that it was true.

There was one email, one email that

was not listed as classified.

It had a little tiny CNN.

And James Comey said,

anybody could have missed that.

I'm tired of this.

Enough of that.

We're not going to do that.

I'm sick of the animal.

I want to talk about some out.

Just, you know, screaming doesn't make it true.

Right, right.

Streaming doesn't make it true.

It doesn't make it true.

What does make it true is that the hundred emails that came out after James were not piece by piece called her dishonest.

But we're supposed to be better.

Interrupting doesn't make it true.

We're supposed to be better than that, not make excuses for the other side.

I can't.

Both flawed candidates.

Indeed.

You know what?

That's bullshit.

Yeah, it's really.

That idea that it's a push.

That it's a push.

Donald Trump completely sees things that never happened.

He completely lies because he just makes things up in his head.

He said the NFL sent him a letter.

Wait, wait a second, Rick.

Let me just say this.

He said the NFL sent him a letter about the debates.

The NFL said we never sent him a letter.

That's a different level of kind of lying.

He said that Putin used the n-word about Obama.

No one has seen this anywhere.

He just makes things up.

He reminds me of a character I saw in a movie once.

Show that clip.

I believe virtually everything I read.

And I think that is what makes me more of a selective human than someone who doesn't believe anything.

Oh, my God.

Oh, my God.

If you missed it, he said, I believe virtually everything I read.

Donald Trump seems to believe virtually everything he hears.

I'm hearing.

That can't be someone who we allow in the Oval Office.

You're a Republican.

I'm a conservative.

I'm a proud conservative who is horrified and embarrassed by what the Conservative Party has allowed.

What do we stand for if this is what we are now allowing to become

our representation?

He is not the standard bearer.

I mean, Senator,

you were a conservative, and you stood next to Donald Trump at an event that where he used veterans as political pawns because he threw a temper tantrum over Megan Kelly and I thought to myself why what are we doing compromising our integrity like this for a con artist who gets off on getting adulation from people and uses our veterans to do it

Number one, Donald Trump was doing a fundraiser for veterans.

He raised several million dollars of that fundraiser for the last time.

He lost

it.

And all I can tell you is when someone does a fundraiser for veterans and I'm in town, I'm going to show up, period.

So

I don't apologize for standing up and representing and calling for people to raise money for the state.

But it was a stunt.

You know what?

But wait a second.

It was a stunt.

Yes, fine.

Let me turn it on.

And then he didn't give the money in a moment.

And he didn't give the money until he was

embarrassed by it.

I mean, come on.

How would I?

Can I get to what I think is an even more base issue, which is it's not really Donald Trump.

You're right.

I mean, I said on a show about a week ago, maybe one of our convention shows, that yes, when the Republican Party picked Donald Trump as their nominee, they handcuffed themselves to a dead hooker.

But

the dead hooker is not really Trump.

It's the voters.

It's the Republican voters.

They're still with him.

That's the problem even you have in the Republican Party.

But it wasn't already-free, racist rednecks.

That's in the base of the Republican Party.

We can spruce that up.

We can split the other side and say that the base of the Democratic Party is a bunch of left-wing anarchists that are running around.

Anarchists?

Yes,

Democrats are anarchists.

If you want to criticize the facts of the Republicans,

what Democrat is an anarchist?

No, I'm saying that the left-wing progressive side

of the Democratic Party that are

the ones that are out there talking about bring down the system,

Marxism, all the

mixed with Bernie Sanders rally?

Who don't make it into the thinking of one single Democratic representative?

So what does it matter?

Yes, there are kooks out there of every strike.

Bernie Sanders almost beat Hillary Clinton.

A stupid false equivalency from the right.

Now be fair though.

Let's just be fair.

Let's look at the numbers.

The numbers show that even after these last two weeks, Donald Trump is winning among independents.

So if he's winning among independents, those aren't

too toothless.

I don't know what poll you're looking at.

And secondly, Hillary's up in Georgia.

He's only getting 60-some percent of the Republican votes.

So he's got a long way to go to solidify his base.

And I agree with you.

He's got to get his act together.

And

today was a good day.

He doesn't have anything but it.

You mentioned something very important.

You said there's a lot of anger out there, and there is.

There's a lot of anger out there because people feel that they've been left behind.

There was anger on the Bernie side.

There's a big difference, and Bill pointed it out.

You don't see racist and neo-Nazis and skinheads at the Bernie Sanders rally.

You don't see them there.

Donald Trump has unearthed all these people.

And I've been on the receiving end of that.

I know it personally.

I've received death threats.

No, it's not ridiculous.

I've received death threats as overnight tonight.

That's a way somehow that's the thing.

From Trump's main body of people.

I didn't say that.

It's not saying it mainly, but it's an elephant.

I've been doing this for 20 years and never explored

my government.

Republicans have been doing that dog whistle for years, and now it's a dog megaphone.

It's a megaphone.

The dog whistle is.

It's real.

The dog whistle has been the race politics on the other side, not once.

Don't ignore what's happened with Trump.

I'm interrupted everybody because I have to remind the audience again that this is a comedy show.

It's a comedy show.

That's right.

And also, that

this is our last show before September 16th.

And what we traditionally do when we're off for a little while is to give the future headlines.

Because there are people who come up to me all the time and say, Bill, I get all my news from your show.

And

in case you do,

this way you'll be caught up until September 16th.

So here are some of the future headlines we can expect while we're away.

For example, Trump gets into vicious Twitter war with Make-A-Wish Kids.

Mental patient hacks Trump's Twitter account.

No one notices.

You see, these are things that are going to happen.

Roger Ale's ninth victim was Bill Cosby's 24th victim.

Oh, that's completely predictable.

Texas Waffle House celebrates two days without gun battle.

Wow, that's

silly.

Chris Christie accidentally breaks world hot dog eating record.

He accidentally did it.

That's what's interesting.

Yeah, no.

Trump announced his first act as president will be to kill John McCain.

McCain, I still support Trump.

Tourists, disappointed, Cuba full of poor people.

Well, that's.

Taylor Swift dumps latest for news

guy for new similar looking guy.

New similar looking guy.

Trump slams and Frank is loser.

I like Jews who didn't get caught.

First Zika baby born in U.S.

says Trump unfit for presidency.

Oh, well.

Jesus returns, get in Twitter war with Trump.

I like messiahs who don't get crucified.

Oh, I mean

this guy this

Colorado re-legalizes weed after forgetting they already legalized it

Bernie Sanders releases first hip-hop album bankers ain't shit.

Okay

His latest comedy special is Jeff Ross Roast Cops air September 10th.

Jeff Ross is over here.

Jeff Ross,

look at what you're walking to.

Aloha.

Everybody okay?

Everybody all right?

Good.

Hi.

Aloha, Jeff.

Aloha.

We say that because we went to Hawaii together.

Nothing funny happened.

It was strictly business, right?

Yeah.

All right, so I saw your new show.

It's amazing.

I have to say, you were the only person.

Why?

You haven't even seen it yet.

How do you know?

But it is.

I mean, you roast the cops.

You're the roastmaster.

You did it with prisoners.

Now you're doing it with cops.

I just have to say, you are the only person who could ever pull this off.

Yeah.

Thank you.

You really are.

And what I love about it is there's a great arc to this.

When you first go there, cops hate you.

Yeah.

They won't laugh at one thing you say.

No.

And you win them over.

You go on ride-alongs.

You meet them.

You get to know them.

And you, I mean, I left with a feeling of I like the cops more than I did before I started to watch this.

But then sometimes when you go on the street and you see the people,

you know, the minorities in the communities,

they don't think the cops are good.

And I'm like, did they just fuck with you, the cops?

Did they just fool you?

I don't think so.

I'm a good judge of character.

And I asked many, many police forces, big city police forces.

Everybody had been talking about the cops in America.

Nobody had been talking to them.

So I thought, what are they like?

Will they laugh at my jokes?

Will they want to kill me?

There's a little bit of both, maybe.

Right.

And I wanted to know what it's like to be a cop right now.

I wouldn't want to put a uniform on, considering what's been happening in Dallas and other places.

It's scary.

So I wanted to see if I could humanize them in some way.

People were having protests all over the country, and it broke my heart to see cops.

being disrespected.

But like most white people, I didn't know a lot about how deep the problems were between cops and the community.

So I went to these Black Lives Matter rally.

I went to a police officer's funeral.

I started to understand that this is a national emergency.

People are bleeding on both sides, and both sides have a great point.

And the cops, I noticed in your special, say, we hate bad cops more than anybody.

Right.

But you never see that.

When was the last time we ever saw a cop stand up against another cop, no matter what the bad cop did?

Right.

You see what I mean about

it?

It's very, I don't think so, because

the police commissioner Evans in Boston, there hasn't been an unarmed person shot and killed by the Boston cops since drum roll 1991.

This is community policing.

This is why this police force stepped up, I believe.

But 102 unarmed black people were killed by cops last year.

There's definitely problems.

And it's sad.

That's a problem.

It's really sad what's happening.

But you've got to think about every day when a police officer leaves the house in the morning, his wife and kids have no idea if he's even coming home that night.

Okay.

Because he might fall asleep at his girlfriend's house.

Right.

And I must say, I mean, you did that joke in the special show.

And they loved it.

Yeah.

I mean, it's not like they don't have a sense of it.

They didn't like all my jokes.

They didn't like my opening joke.

I said, this is fun.

I never performed for a room full of YouTube celebrities before.

Yes, there's bad apples.

Yes, there's obviously race

cops.

But to hate all cops for what some cops have done wrong is also prejudice.

Right, absolutely.

It's like hating all transgender people because Caitlin Jenner beat you in the Olympics in 1976.

That's a new one.

Okay.

So, okay, so let me give you, and I agree with you, that, you know, we should support the police, and obviously probably most of them are good.

But let me give you my

first few beefs that I have with the cops.

One, we always hear from them, and I heard it in the special, that, you know, our job is the toughest job in the world.

You know, we get so much disrespect.

I think, actually, you went with them.

Maybe you'll see this.

You can verify this.

I think most people, it's the opposite.

I think cops get a level of respect that the rest of us could only dream of mostly.

I know anytime I've talked to a cop, it's, yes, sir, no, sir.

Yeah.

You know, I got hassled by the cops recently in my own neighborhood.

They didn't recognize them.

I didn't know these guys in the 6th precinct in New York.

And they were kind of dicks to me.

There you go.

And then right a minute later, somebody was kind of a jerk to them.

So I think it all is sort of the stress level is high.

Everybody's mad at the cops.

And I think if people start to humanize the cops a little bit, realize that maybe they should look at these people as human beings also.

Both sides should look at each other as human beings and maybe start talking to each other because nobody seems to be talking to each other.

If the best minds on both sides sat down, maybe it's

maybe there'll be some sort of, you know.

Yes, we do need that, and wouldn't it be great if you were the guy to bring that about?

Let's do it.

Copicon, can we put this out there?

I'll bring the donuts.

You made a lot of donut jokes, but of course you should.

I only made one donut joke, but it's the best donut joke I've ever heard.

What was it?

cops and donuts it's a you know we've all heard this before

I have a theory why cops love donuts so much because it looks like they've been shot

and they laughed at that they laughed at that which is pretty great cops especially love chocolate donuts why is that is it because they're racist

with the cops you have to cut deep they don't like soul humor that's right

but you know we also hear this about the cops you said it there that you know you have to be a psychiatrist you have to be a social worker.

And a soldier.

And a soldier.

And that's all true.

We ask so much of them, but honestly, we don't even ask them to be in shape.

Listen.

I mean, what other job like that can you do fat?

It's a scary job.

Every day, I wouldn't want to put that uniform.

Okay.

You're a sitting duck.

Jeff, there are stats on this.

Right.

Like the most dangerous jobs in America.

Right.

It doesn't crack the top 10.

I'm not saying that to diss the police.

It's just the truth.

Electricians,

fishermen.

They're not getting shot in the back.

The stress level for cops, they're drinking too much, the divorce rate, the guys I met were really stressed out.

They were good guys, but they're worried.

And we appreciate that.

But they did volunteer for it.

Sure.

They make $60,000 a year.

I happen to think cops are underappreciated.

I think cops should be on commission.

Like if they catch a child molester, the cops should be able to keep the van and the candy.

Roasting brings people together.

Yes.

You should.

Did you ever think of starring in the Don Rickles story?

Yes, that's.

Look at him.

Don Rickles.

Anyway, that boss.

Yeah, Don Rickles.

Okay, let's talk about some other issues.

Let's get into what Donald Trump said about sexual.

What?

You picked me up.

But see, this is the thing.

The gift that you're giving.

But I said this on the show a few months ago.

I said, Republicans, the best thing you can do for yourselves is have him lose.

Can you imagine, as bad as he is as a candidate, what you are going to have to do if he is the president, that you are going to have to answer for every stupid thing he does in the next four years?

There's no shame in punting.

When you have bad field position,

punt.

Punt.

Look, look, if you have a great defense, that's what you do.

You punt.

I don't think we can afford to punt.

I mean, and look, to me, it comes down to the United States.

It's not awarded to.

As if Hillary's a leftist.

It's not Hillary that's the problem.

It's who she's going to put on the Supreme Courts that's the problem.

That's such a bullshit argument.

No, no, no, wait a minute.

Just hear me out on this.

What you have on the United States Supreme Court are four justices who believe the Supreme Court is meaningless.

The Constitution is meaningless.

It doesn't worth the paper it's printed on.

That's what conservatives are.

No, no, I'm talking about conservative.

If you look at Justice Breyer, Justice Breyer says the Constitution is what we say it is.

And if that is.

Exactly.

Hold on.

That is what.

But it's not.

The Constitution has words and they have meaning.

And we have justices on that court who don't believe the meaning of those words anymore.

It's whatever they want them to.

Here's the thing I've never brought up.

You never can't.

No, you can't.

And the fact of the matter is, Hillary Clinton will appoint a fifth one of those and probably replace two older justices.

You know how to do that.

You know, this is bullshit because Obama and the Constitution of Poland.

Obama already picked a justice.

Merrick Garland.

Merrick Garland.

He's the one Orrin Hatch wanted.

Acceptable to all Republicans.

No, he wasn't acceptable to all Republicans.

Or isn't acceptable to majority.

He wasn't acceptable to a majority of Republicans.

No, no, he wasn't.

Absolutely not acceptable to most Republicans.

But I can tell you, I was there.

I was in the Senate.

I know these arguments.

He was not acceptable to Republicans.

The Supreme Court argument is a specious one because we can, it is.

I understand it, but it is because Donald Trump can't be trusted to do anything he says he's going to do.

If he knew

he was a list out.

Yeah, he put a list out and he said everything is flexible.

He also, you know, I mean, he flip-flops on things.

So who's to say if, which is more important, that Republicans keep the Senate because that's a firewall, the Senate confirms.

So if Donald Trump gets in there and it's a Democratic Senate, he could flip and say, well, I need the Democrats like me.

I'm going to put up somebody else.

There's nothing to show that Donald Trump is loyal to conservative values and he doesn't even know how many articles there are in the Constitution.

Do you want to talk about Constitution?

He never brings that up.

He appointed Mike Pence, who is a conservative as his nominee for vice president, number one and number two.

He did list, I think, 12 or 13 people who were solid conservatives on the court.

And that to me is a pretty impressive statement.

It's not worth the paper it's listed on as far as Donald Trump is concerned because he doesn't keep his word in it.

You are a loyal soldier, but it may come back to haunt you Because the man said this week, all these things we're talking about, Donald Trump, a lot of them are funny.

It's not funny when a guy says, nuclear weapons,

why don't we use them?

You know, seriously, as a patriot, you would want to put a guy in the White House who says, nuclear weapons, why

do we have more dangerous

nuclear weapons?

Please do tell me.

Eric Garland,

President Obama is actually pursuing a policy saying that they will never use a nuclear weapon unless it's a retaliation for another nuclear weapon.

No, no, no.

No president has ever said that.

Of course.

No, no, no.

Bill, you're wrong on this one.

Check your facts.

No president has ever said that.

Because what if they use a chemical weapon?

What if they use a biological weapon?

The president has actually, and you have his people saying what the president is doing is absolutely dangerous.

You've got all of our allies in a panic because the president is going going to as well.

No, they're in a panic because the whole trial is more dangerous.

That is why they're in a panic.

Well it is that's a fact.

That's a decision.

I want to look at this issue.

And by the way, whatever Obama said, it was completely in line with the history of American president

since the nuclear age.

It was not a departure.

Or else someone before you would have mentioned it.

Well, maybe you should start reading some articles in the last few days.

Look, I'm no fan of Barack Obama's by any means, but at least he knew what the nuclear triad is.

Right, right.

Unlike Donald Trump, who had no idea.

So I don't think that that's something

that's the guy who gets his.

He's a difficult politician.

Yeah, because he gets his foreign policy from the shows.

Is he watching tonight?

Maybe he'll learn that.

Politicians are not that mentally ill.

I go back to that.

Can I mention this last issue I was about to bring up, which is sexual harassment, because Donald Trump was asked what Ivanka would do if, and by the way, Ivanka may be our last hope to save the planet.

Apparently, she's the only one who can talk to Donald Trump.

She's going to be in his cabinet.

In his cabinet.

She's going to be a good idea.

Secretariat Defense that he's building.

Right.

No, he has a competitive thing with his sons, like all asshole fathers do.

So I don't think he really listens to douchebag Fuckface and

Thurston shitbag the third.

But Ivanka,

Ivanka, if you're out there, the world is hanging on you.

Anyway,

asked, what would Ivanka do if she was sexually harassed?

He said, I would like to think she would find another career

or find another company if that was the case.

That's right, ladies.

When a guy at the office grabs your ass, the person who needs to find another job is you.

No, I've actually had to

happen to me at a Christmas party

when I was 23 years old.

No, that happened to me.

One of the receptionists, who was a guy, actually slapped me on the ass at a Christmas party.

He had a couple too many whiskeys.

And he didn't get fired.

I mean, I didn't freak out, you know, but it happens.

And to have Donald Trump or any, you know, anyone with the last name Trump say, we'll just get another job.

Well, that's like what he does with marriages.

Well, I'll just get another wife.

So I'm not surprised.

And this is a guy who praised Roger Ailes after we found out that for 20 years he's been harassing women.

He's a good guy, the way he helped those women.

You know, I mean, come on.

You know, Eve Rick,

you're a very, you know, right-wing evangelical Christian guy.

How can you sit there and listen to a guy who talks about support, you know, liking Roger Ale?

Rick, please.

First, I'm a Catholic.

I'm not an evangelical Christian, but whatever.

You're a very religious guy.

Meet a Jew.

Meet a.

All right.

I've met a few.

Now, look, our religion is

your principle.

And there's a guy that...

I was raised Catholic, too, and one thing I know, they like being martyrs.

That's why you're here.

That's right.

The blood of the martyrs, the seed of the church.

Seed of the church.

Absolutely.

You're getting big points

with the big guy for dinner.

Don't let him off the hook.

Answer the question.

Oh, look, I can't.

Donald Trump.

He gave us a venerable statement.

He's got a problem with women.

I mean, we're listening to anything about sexual harassment coming from Donald Trump, who calls women pigs and, you know, goes on

Howard Stern and says that Vietnam was not getting an STD in its own personal Vietnam.

I mean, come on, on, this guy's no credibility.

Credibility.

I liked Marco Rubio, yeah.

Okay, but Rubio said that Donald Trump should not get near the nuclear code.

He did.

And then still endorsed him.

I was very disappointed and called him out on that.

Every single person.

This is sort of the problem here.

It is.

Look, listen,

I've been one of the loyal soldiers that has said that, again, character and integrity matter.

And when you have politicians that say one thing on one side, and then when it's politically expedient, say something else, you get Donald Trump.

All right.

Time for new rules, everybody.

New rules.

Our last new rules till September.

Neural, let the Russians go to the Olympics.

Sure, they're cheating, but maybe the drugs in their bloodstream will kill the mosquitoes.

See?

Neural, now that skydiver Luke Aikens has shown he can plummet 25,000 feet with no parachute and land in a 100-foot by 100-foot net, he has to explain to his wife why he's unable to get his underpants in the hamper.

Neural Vietjet, the Vietnamese airline that has seen sales soar after dressing its flight attendants in bikinis, has to go all the way and rename itself Miso Horny Airlines.

Miso Horny Airlines, we'll head for the clouds while you make it rain.

Neural, the Japanese Japanese Pokemon Go fans who claim they can make their Pokemon eggs hatch faster by rubbing a vibrator on their phone

have to admit A, it doesn't work and B,

your life isn't turning out the way you hope.

Neural, the owners of the soon-to-open Fallatio Cafe in Geneva, where for $60 patrons can get Fallatio and a coffee

have to explain what's the point of the coffee

because you had me at fellatio trust me when asked would you like fellatio no man has ever said not until I've had my coffee

And finally, new rule from now until Election Day, everything else, every issue, every fight, every cause, has to take a backseat to defeating Trump.

He's like an infection, you don't fool around with it.

Look,

we all have our issues that are important to us, and so just to lead by example, let me say that I will take my own close-to-the-heart pet cause, pot legalization, off the table.

And you know me, I have seeds in my urine.

You know that.

But

if someone told me that pushing for pot might cost Hillary Ohio until November 8th, I'm just going to shut the fuck up about it.

Now

I know liberals are feeling pretty good about Hillary's chances this week, but history has taught us that Democrats are pretty good at blowing elections and Republicans are masters at winning elections with solutions in search of a problem.

And the problem they're imagining lately is that the transgendered or sex fiends pretending to be transgendered roam America's restrooms in drag

looking for a chance to watch people pee.

Okay, here's what we can't do this election.

Get tricked into symbolic fights about college campus pet peeves.

Hillary, if someone asks you if Christmas is unfair to the disabled because the reindeer laugh at Rudolph's nose,

just say, I don't care.

I know we're liberals, and there's an infinite list of ideas for making the world better by making it less like Duck Dynasty.

But there's no room for boutique issues in an Armageddon election.

And look,

I'm on the side of people peeing where they want.

It's an inalienable right.

I believe it was Patrick Henry who once said, nobody beats the whiz.

And I'm not suggesting that we throw the transgendered under the bus or discount their struggle.

It can't be easy finding pantyhose when you're 6'4.

But this is exactly the kind of culture war issue that rousts a certain type of voter out of their trailers on Election Day.

As we speak, Ann Coulter is finishing a new book called Urination:

How Liberals Are Giving It to America in the Can.

Let's not die on this hill, because I've seen this movie before.

In the 2000 election, Al Gore distanced himself from a very successful Clinton administration because the Republicans made it seem like every time Monica blew Clinton, he was holding her hair.

And then there was 2004 when George W.

Bush got caught invading the wrong country, so they changed the issue to gay marriage, because this was before gay marriage was popular.

Even in 2008, Obama was still saying this.

I believe that marriage is the union between a man and a woman.

Now, did he say that because he meant it?

No.

He just wanted the distraction off the table to make sure a meth head didn't wind up a heartbeat away from the office.

Folks, to most people, elections are about jobs and college and terrorism, not social issues.

And the people who lead on social issues aren't in Washington anyway.

They're here in Hollywood.

This transgender thing, let us handle it.

Like we did with gay rights, which very few cared about until Hollywood put gay people in every single TV show.

Until America not only came to accept gays, they began to wonder if anyone in high school wasn't gay.

We hit him with glee, and Ellen, and Will and Grace, and queer eye for this great guy, and pretty soon being gay was just part of our modern family.

We have a long history of mainstreaming non-traditional families.

Punky Brewster lived with an old man for some reason.

And we didn't ask and we didn't tell.

Same with Major Nelson, who kept his girlfriend in a jar.

This is what we're good at.

And we've already begun to do it for the transgendered with the Danish Girl and Dallas Buyers Club and Transparent.

And of course, there's Caitlin Jenner, who has already showed Americans that a transgendered person could be just like them.

A deluded nitwit who supports Donald Trump.

All right, that's our show.

We'll be back September 16th.

I'll be at the Mirage in Vegas September 30th and October 1st.

I want to thank Rob Reiner, Tyra Settmeier, Brix and Torum, the brave Kristen, Jeff Ross, and Julian Assange will.

Join us now for overtime on YouTube.

Thank you, folks.

Watch all new episodes of Real Time with Bill Maher every Friday night at 10, or watch him anytime on HBO On Demand.

For more information, log on to HBO.com.