Episode #390 (Originally aired 06/03/16)

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Welcome to an HBO podcast from the HBO Late Night Series, Real Time with Bill Maher.

Good afternoon.

Afternoon, time will be

real time.

Thank you, ladies and gentlemen.

Thank you.

How are you?

Good, good, good.

Thank you.

Oh, wow.

What the hell was clapping?

All right.

Thank you very much.

Are you...

Are you clapping or just trying to kill the Zika mosquitoes?

Because you know that.

Did you hear about that shit?

Scary.

We don't need a wall on the border.

We need a giant bug zapper.

Jesus.

They said now Zika could be transferred through oral sex.

My apologies to home viewers who may have just stopped.

No, that's...

That's kind of scary.

Oral sex.

They said to to be safe, either wear a condom or get married.

But hey, how about that campaign?

The gloves.

The gloves are off this week between Hillary and Donald Trump.

I have not seen bad blood between a blonde lady and a weirdo in clown makeup like this.

since I double-dated with Johnny Depp.

I mean, this is...

Oh.

Oh, or.

I like Johnny Depp.

Poor guy.

What a rough month.

His movie tanked.

His mom died.

His wife left him.

And he can't use the men's room in North Carolina.

What a

terrible month.

But you know who else had a horrible week?

Donald Trump had a horrible week.

Yes.

He had a press conference where he told the press to go fuck themselves through a whole hissy fit.

And now, of course, to be fair, he had just learned the tragic news that a zookeeper in Cincinnati shot his father.

But no, he's...

Two scandals this week, VetGate, about the veterans.

You saw that.

The Washington Post exposed him, documented proof that Trump promised to donate money to veterans, didn't, and then lied about it.

And, you know, Donald Trump comes out there, he's like, running a political campaign is hard enough without a bunch of people fact-checking.

You know, not taking any responsibility, saying something is everybody else's fault, that doesn't sound very presidential.

That to me sounds like a

whiny little bit.

A whiny little bit.

And then there was Trump Ugates, Trump University graduates.

Where are my Trump University people?

It's a great school, the fighting orangemen.

Come on, it's a great...

Now, you know about that scam is Trump University.

A judge ordered documents unsealed.

And of course, we found out, as we knew, it's all about preying on desperate people and taking their money, just like a regular university.

No, No, I mean, you know, you give Trump money to learn the secrets of business, and then, of course, you have to give more money to learn the really great secrets of business.

Please, it's Scientology without the volcanoes.

That's what this is.

And listen,

this is who Republicans...

are lining up to nominate and they are lining up.

What happened to the Never Trump movement?

Remember that?

Wasn't that long ago?

Well, you know, the people who've been trying to find an alternative to save the world from Donald Trump came out with the guy this week.

They have the guy, the third party candidate who's going to do it.

It's David French.

And everyone went, who the fuck is David French?

Some national review writer nobody ever, this is the best they could do.

And the funny thing, David French said a couple of weeks ago, he would vote for Donald Trump if he was the nominee.

Another David French flip-flop.

So

typical of David French, isn't it, folks?

And then,

I mean,

they all came around.

Paul Ryan.

who's been dithering for a whole month now, he said, oh yes, he's going to endorse Trump, which is good news for Trump, and a crushing blow, it's a crushing blow to the David French campaign.

It's just

so, but the person who did have a good week this week, I thought, was Hillary Clinton.

She gave a

blistering foreign policy speech, said Donald Trump doesn't have a clue.

She said, imagine Donald Trump making life and death decisions.

Someone that thin-skinned, who lashes out at the smallest criticism, and immediately Trump tweeted, bad performance by crooked Hillary, reading from the Peleprompa bat.

See, that's it.

He cannot stop himself.

I think we're at that part of the movie where we find out how to defeat the monster.

That's it, Captain.

We found out he has no default mechanism.

And Hillary also found out what to call him.

You know, the way he brands everybody.

She just called him Donald.

Just the first name with dripping condescension.

Donald, like he's a cartoon cartoon duck.

So

that was encouraging.

And of course the California primary, we finally get to vote and it might matter.

On Tuesday,

they're all out here.

Hillary's out here campaigning.

Bernie, Donald Trump is out here.

You know, you saw this.

This is going really over well at California.

He said that we have no drought.

You saw that, right?

He said, we have no drought.

You know know those dead patches in the middle of your lawn?

Okay, here's what you do.

Just take the grass and comb it over from the back and the sides.

All right, we got a great show.

Eddie Wayne, Matt Welch, and John Avlon are here.

And a little later, we'll be speaking with Neil deGrasse Tyson.

But first up, he is a Seattle-based entrepreneur and venture capitalist who in 1995 invested all his money, $45,000, into a startup called Amazon, made him super rich.

Now he is known as the godfather of raising the minimum wage.

Nick Hannauer.

Nick, how you doing, sir?

Nice to meet you.

Nice to meet you.

Okay, so

I'm good.

You're a very rich man who wants to raise the minimum wage.

How did you get to be the godfather of this?

Well, to be clear, without the courage of Occupy and the work of fast food workers around the country, we would not be having this charming conversation.

But, you know, so if you care about this country, then you're interested in not seeing it ripped apart by economic inequality.

And if you care about fixing that, you have to go straight at the ideas that propelled economic inequality because our policy is driven by ideas.

And the ideas that have framed this debate are what I affectionately call trickle-down economics, which is really three things.

It is tax cuts for the rich, deregulation for the powerful, and wage suppression for everyone else.

And to understand how wage suppression works, it's important to understand, you know,

the idea that drives that is this incredible, insidious, repeated thing, which is if jobs go up, employment goes down.

If wages go up, employment goes down, right?

Yeah, no, that's bullshit.

I always said that was bullshit.

That's right.

And the thing is, is that it has been repeated endlessly in our country, and the facts are there is no evidence for this whatsoever.

But if you can get the broad public to believe that if wages go up, employment will go down, you get 40 years of wage suppression.

The former CEO of McDonald said a couple of weeks ago that if we have to raise wages, you know,

we'd have to go to automatic servers.

You know what?

Bullshit, because they already would have done that.

If they could have.

They could have.

Of course, of course.

And so the thing about the $15 minimum wage is that it is a way to litigate that idea by showing people that in fact the fundamental dynamic

in a capitalist economy is that when workers have more money, businesses have more customers and hire more.

The other thing is, one thing I know about being poor, because I was poor,

is you eat shit.

Yes.

You have to eat shit.

That's the way our country is designed.

Only wealthier people can buy, you know, whole paycheck.

Yes.

Is what they call whole foods.

Right.

Okay.

Right.

And

what is the biggest sucker sucker of our budget is health care.

Yes.

If people didn't have to eat shit, then we wouldn't have this giant health care bill that we don't know how to deal with.

You know, keeping the minimum wage low, and it is, you know, the minimum wage is at historically low levels.

If it had tracked inflation, it'd be $10.5.

If it had tracked productivity, it'd be $22.

If it had tracked the wages of the top 1%, it would be $28 today.

Keeping the minimum wage low is the most awful form of corporate welfare because all it does is it subsidizes the profits of giant corporations and socializes the costs onto the public.

For instance, these giant health care costs, which are all part of this terrible feedback loop that we need to break through collective action.

Right.

And of course the people who work

for a minimum wage wind up being on welfare.

Absolutely.

Walmart is a very important thing.

Which means we are subsidizing

a year or something like that?

Yeah.

So we're subsidizing that.

The best example of this is Walmart, which is our nation's largest employer.

They have

1.4 million workers.

A million of them basically are in poverty.

And every year the public subsidizes Walmart workers to the tune of about $6.5 billion a year.

It's astounding.

Meaning they have to go on food stamps.

And Medicare and all this stuff.

They don't have to pay for it.

And they get paid enough.

They don't have so they have to go on food stamps Medicaid these are all government programs exactly it's completely nuts and you know the thing about capitalism if it's well formed it works quite well I'm old fashioned I don't see why giant profitable companies shouldn't pay their workers enough so that they don't need public assistance and here's the thing companies like Walmart

The thing about our economy is that you can think of it as in two, we have two economies.

We have the real economy where companies pay their workers enough to robustly participate in the economy as consumers, go out and buy other people's stuff and pay taxes into the system, but you have these giant profitable corporations like Walmart and McDonald's that pay their workers so little that they can't afford to buy anything from anybody and don't.

Except Walmart and McDonald's.

Yeah,

and

pull services out of the system.

And there's just no reason for this.

parasitic behavior.

This is not an economic necessity.

This is a preference.

I mean, who wouldn't want that deal if you can get it?

And it is the responsibility, I think, of all of us collectively to end that practice by slowly and surely and by a pretty big amount, raising the minimum wage and making all this nonsense go away.

And you think the.

You think the underclass is going to rise up at some point.

I mean, that there's going to be pitchforks at the gate, right?

Yeah.

I mean, you can.

Because that never happens.

I mean, it hasn't happened so far.

I've often wondered

here lately, but I mean, you know, you have to remember that it wasn't that long ago in our nation's history when the, you know, the governor of Idaho was murdered.

Because

it was 100 years ago or so.

Here's the really funny part about that bill.

Is that a jury

acquitted the people who murdered him?

Right?

They did because, well, you know, he deserved it.

And those, and those were fishworks.

That can't be right either.

Well, that can't be right.

Okay.

But it is kind of.

It's kind of entertaining.

So here's the point I want to make.

Here's the point that's so, I think, so indispensable: is that like when Paul Ryan, or one of these trickle-down clowns, says,

when wages go up, employment goes down, that sounds like a description of reality.

That sounds like legit economics.

It is not.

It is an intimidation tactic masquerading as an economic theory.

It is a way for powerful people to bully

people without power.

Look, it's the oldest trick in the businessman's job suppression handbook.

You ask for a waze, you ask for a raise, I threaten to fire you.

And people have to begin to hear this for what it is.

It is not a description of reality.

It is them saying, in other words, we matter, you don't.

You sound like you're going to be a politician.

No, no, no, no.

No, no, no, no.

No?

No, no, no, no.

You sound like it.

You sound like you got your speech down.

Yeah, well.

Yeah.

No, no, no.

No.

All right.

Well, thank you.

I'm glad you're speaking out for what you're speaking out about.

Thank you.

I think you will.

All right, let's meet our friends.

Yeah.

I know a politician when I hear one.

Okay, Okay, even if he doesn't know.

He's the editor-in-chief of the Daily Beast, CNN political analyst, and author of Wingnuts, Extremism in the Age of Obama.

John Avalin back with us.

Hey, John.

Hey, man.

He is the editor-in-chief of Reason Magazine.

Matt Welch is back.

Hey, Matt.

Oh, three guys.

All guys.

Hey, all guys hanging out.

A sausage party.

All right.

He's the host of Iceland Wang's World and author of the new memoir Double Cup Love on the Trial.

The Trial.

the trail,

Freudian slip there, Eddie, of

the family feud, food, and broken hearts in China.

Isn't there any fucking title that's short anymore?

Eddie Wang.

I should have wrote it in Chinese.

Remember, send us your questions for tonight's overtime.

So we can answer them after this show on YouTube.

Okay, I thought it was a pretty encouraging week for fans of sanity.

But I tell you what bugged me about this week, I guess it's every week,

if Hillary Clinton or Bernie Sanders had been found to be exploiting veterans, as Donald Trump was found to do, red-handed, exploiting them and promising them money.

and then found out he didn't send it, caught in a lie, and then send it the day they found out, their campaign would be over.

I am so tired of there being two rules for this campaign.

One rule for the Republican Party and one rule for everybody else.

It's because we don't expect much of Republicans.

We don't really expect much.

Like when I read the news about Donald Trump, I was just like, well, that's par for the course.

That's the prize he didn't pay.

But maybe that's wrong.

Maybe I need to change my expectations.

It's not about Republicans, it's about Donald Trump and the sort of blizzard of lies strategy that he's deployed from the beginning.

If somebody lies every day, multiple times a day, it stops being noteworthy.

The process of holding them accountable becomes more difficult.

He benefits from it.

Absolutely, which is why it's our job in the news to more than anything else to call bullshit on him.

That's what we need to be doing.

Excuse me if I don't hold my breath for that to happen.

We will.

It's difficult to do live broadcast television fact checking.

There's only a handful.

Jake Tapper had a great interview with Donald Trump today.

Go on YouTube.

You'll freak yourself out watching him talk about Mexican judges and whatnot.

It is hard.

There's a handful of people who are good at it.

Jake Tapper's good, Anderson Cooper, Megan Kelly, a few people, but he's such good at it.

Megan Kelly?

No, excuse me.

Can we go through this bullshit for a second?

Megan Kelly asked him one tough question at the debate.

Wait a second.

One tough question.

And then, of course, the stupid media anoints her as a genius because she asked one tough question.

Then she, for months, he's just belittling her.

She's on the rag, she's an idiot, she's a bimbo, her ratings are terrible.

Then she comes begging him for an interview where she says nothing is gonna be out of bounds.

You know what was out of bounds?

Journalism.

She didn't ask one tough question.

That was not, it was a high-powered inter-profile in cowardice.

That was not a high-point interview.

I totally agree with you, but I was impressed with her

in the debate and in other debates and with other candidates.

I'm saying that it's difficult.

That's not funny.

Good for you.

Good for you.

There you go.

How hard is it to check, though?

The Washington Post did the report.

He didn't pay.

Like, he said he was going to pay.

It's been, what, like, five months since then?

And he didn't pay.

Like, this is not hard to check.

I'm not saying this as an excuse.

I'm saying what he uses to exploit.

He uses the fact that he's entertaining.

He knows this.

He's more entertaining at a press conference than Bernie Sanders is, sadly.

You want to watch the train wreck.

And

these people run the microphones because they get ratings.

Wait a second.

They're not born.

Who covers him more than anybody?

MSNBC.

The people who are supposedly there, the liberal network, who want to stop him, they're supposedly journalists.

They cover every word he says like it's a papal visit to the money.

And that's the thing.

Donald Trump.

Right, you're right.

It's partly because Donald Trump has gamed the system because he gets that more than a liberal or conservative bias, the media has a conflict bias.

So he feeds that beast.

And the media gets stuck in an abusive relationship with Donald Trump where he attacks them, but he needs them.

And they keep him on because they need ratings and they want access.

That's a profit bias.

You're damn right.

That's a pro there.

The media isn't liberal.

They're just biased toward money.

And conflict.

And power, too.

That's right.

Well, his appeal is...

Very, very easy to understand.

It's like every friend I had in high school had a scarface poster.

People like bad guys.

Right.

Say hello to the bad guys.

That's true.

That's a tough guy.

But also,

when he attacked the media in that press conference, I think he did something that was unfair.

Obviously, he does many things that are.

But he lumped the newsprint media with the the television media.

He was exposed by the Washington Post.

That's an actual newspaper.

There are still a few left.

I have a lot of quibbles with the New York Times, but they're still a newspaper.

And then he goes after Jim Acosta and somebody else who work in TV news.

That is a whole different kettle of fish.

They are vapid ratings whores.

They are traitors to journalism.

Oh, wait a second.

What?

No?

Not always.

Not always.

You know what?

Let me show you something.

We wanted to put together a little montage on this show to show you what goes on on the evening news, which is supposed to be still a newscast that gives people the news.

They are less than Ron Burgundy.

Show this little clip.

This is on the nightly news.

A lot of kids go to the park to see ducks, but five-year-old Kylie Brown of Freeport, Maine, takes her duck to see the park.

Now with a surge in what some are calling drunk shopping.

Finally, tonight, from time to time, everyone needs a hug.

Kids volunteer their time reading to pets.

Tonight, 78-year-old Shirley Webb deadlifting 225 pounds at her gym near St.

Louis.

A rift between

the Queen's Corgis.

What are you seeing with jerky sales?

Oh, jerky sales are exploding.

Are unicorns real?

What is your goat's name?

Stella.

And what's your name?

Stella.

Oh, that's special.

Yeah, there's your nightly news.

So, you know, when

I'm so conflicted when Donald Trump attacks the media because it's like that Gawker story.

You saw that?

Gawker, okay, was we found out that this billionaire, Peter Thiel,

hates Gawker because they outed him.

So he is the sugar daddy for Hulk Hogan in his lawsuit.

He wants to drive Gawker out of business.

I don't think it's a good thing when billionaires can drive media outlets out of business.

Except, on the other hand, Gawker are fucking whores.

It's so hard to feel sorry for the media

when they're so sleazy.

And that's why Donald Trump attacks the media, because you hate the media, you hate the media, even though you work in the media.

No, you hate the media.

Everyone hates the media.

It's an applause line.

Donald Trump uses it for deflection.

And don't forget that the Constitution doesn't mention political parties, but it doesn't mention journalists, right?

We're doing our job when we try to hold public figures to account, especially if they think they're going to be president and they're con men demagogues like we don't hold them to account.

We absolutely do that that at the daily beast we've been tough on donald trump for the million

we have that we have why do you no look wait he one of his his senior counselors

none of these guys do this show

who donald because they're scared to death donald hillary bill clinton none they never do this show Obama don't do this show the only one who has the balls to do it Bernie yeah and that's wrong And those cats should come on the show But look Of course

they don't hold them to account because that's the deal.

I'll be nice to you.

I won't push you too hard, and you'll do my job.

They won't make that.

We at the Daily Beast have been tough on Donald Trump from the beginning, unapologetically.

They've threatened our reporters.

We've published the threats because we will not play that game.

We will stand up to bullies, bigots, and hypocrites like Donald Trump every day.

I might read the Daily Beast now.

That's right.

And he's going to read the Daily Beast.

I have.

Okay.

So, can we talk about Trump University?

Yeah.

Because, you know, every week I say, you know, I try to appeal to the people who are thinking about voting for Donald Trump and say, what about the red flags?

Aren't there a lot of

so like this week there were too many to even count.

I mean my favorite was the cover of the USA Today the other day 3,500 lawsuits he's filed.

I was one of them.

Thank you.

That to me is a bit of a red flag.

It's huge, especially when you talk about how he treats the Washington Post, which has been one of the toughest papers on him.

He has singled out Jeff Bezos, who owns the Post, for criticism, saying, ah, he's got a bunch of tax deals.

We have to go after him and look at that.

He will use this punitively, and he has a track record.

1,900 of those lawsuits he initiated.

It wasn't him on the receipt of it.

Peter Deal's story, though, is really interesting to me because...

That was a catch-22 for me.

I don't like that our system, you can buy elections and you can buy media and you can buy lawsuits, right?

You can win in court with money.

But Peter Thiel, what he's doing, I'm not against taking down Gawker because Gawker really does invade people's privacy.

And outing people for being gay is like unconscionable.

That's just unconscionable.

But that's not the media's purpose.

That's not First Amendment you're protecting.

Peter Thiel,

this is one of the only people who could make people feel sorry for Gawker, right?

I mean, they have gone things about cynicism and snark and cruelty as news, and that's not cool.

It's not the way you should play ball.

But, you know, secretly trying to undermine and bankrupt news outlets through legal violence.

I mean, that's what Donald Trump has effectively done through his thing.

Look, you got a guy who's a serial lawsuit abuser running for president, who's being praised by North Korea, China, and Russia, you know, a thrice-married draft dodger.

I mean, we're through the looking glass.

I mean, Democrats would get the hell kicked out of them if they were nominating this guy.

Okay, all right, we went back to media there, I guess.

Let me just say,

it's all right, as long as we are.

Let me just say one more thing about that.

Donald Trump kept saying, I don't have any corporate backers like the other people.

I'm self-funded.

The media is his corporate backer.

Two billion dollars of free media.

So that's bullshit, too.

Okay.

I just want to quote this from the Trump University manager, because this came out this week.

I mean, these are the people who worked for Trump University.

He said, I believe Trump University was a fraudulent scheme.

It preyed upon the elderly and the uneducated to separate them from their money, and that is religion's job.

I'm joking.

But

I feel like Hillary, I feel like Stella got a groove back this week.

That speech that Hillary made, and she finally stumbled, and I do mean stumbled, because they tried everything else, attacking Trump.

He's a phony and he's a bully, all the things they like about him, you know.

He's a fraud.

He's a scam artist.

This could stick, right?

It did.

This came up earlier in the campaign, like in February of this year, for one of those brief shining weeks when a Republican would criticize Donald Trump and then die like some kind of weird insect.

So the Trump University came up and it stuck because it's a total metaphor for his campaign.

Exactly.

He's a con artist using his brand name for people who are gullible and trying to shake as much money out of them as possible, appealing to their own sense of insecurity.

And preying on folks who can't afford it, encouraging them to get in debt.

That's what we should be calling him as con man Donald.

And Hillary did get a groove back as a former speechwriter.

That was a great speech.

She did a clear contrast, she used humor, and she hung him by his own words.

And there's a lot of that.

She also said, you know what, think about the consequences.

This is not a fucking game, people.

This is electing the President of the United States.

Right.

But can we save one word?

Can we save one word of criticism?

This was a foreign policy speech by a former Secretary of State, and the word Libya wasn't mentioned once, a place where she is described as us using smart power at its best.

So yes, it was a great negative hit on Donald Trump, and it was accurate in its critique of him.

I think I have to answer for that.

What Hillary has to do now, what she is starting to do, is she's looking through Trump, and she's looking to the constituency that's rallying around him.

And now she's going to start talking to the constituency instead of this stick man that's going to be a little bit more.

Why does she have to answer for Libya?

Because she pushed for that intervention strongest in the opinion.

And there wasn't a follow up.

And Libya wasn't a good idea to intervene.

Well, I mean, that's...

Well, okay, it wanted to keep people accountable here.

She was accountable.

Everybody on this show seems to have amnesia about what was going on in Libya.

It was about to be a humanitarian crisis.

That's all that it started out seriously.

It was a good idea to invade.

There should not have been a consulate in Benghazi.

Put Benghazi aside.

This is not Benghazi.

It's about the lack of follow-through after the intervention.

That's what I'm saying.

But I still think all these Republicans who say, you know, I'm going to vote for Donald Trump, this is their big lineup, I'm going to vote for Donald Trump because Hillary would be worse.

The question of this election is, please tell me, how would Hillary be worse?

There's no way.

Ask him.

There's absolutely no way.

Ask someone who has

any intention to vote for him.

But Which I don't.

Yeah, but that's the thing is, all the argument that the Trump rationalizers are using right now is they fall in the line because they haven't fallen in line.

Ants they fall in the line.

It is just total BS rationalization.

And the reality is, and

Republicans have made this point too, is that supporting Donald Trump is not a political decision.

It's a moral decision.

And folks are going to be accountable if they back a demigod running for the future.

And that was part of what was good about her speech as well.

She made that claim.

He's not fit for the office.

Okay, so not have to tell you guys, but primitive tribes who've had no contact with civilization were in the news this week.

What?

Okay, it's true.

Look at the picture.

Isolated Amazon tribe in Brep makes contact with outsiders, and this is now a big debate among anthropologists and ethnographers.

How should we approach this?

Should we try to keep them in their pristine innocence away from the civilized world or to accept the inevitable, they're going to be met by civilization at some point.

Should we do that?

And we agree with the second point.

That's why we put out the Amazon primer.

So you're joining the modern world.

Would you like to hear some of the tips we have for the trial?

Okay, for example,

see, it's Amazon Primer.

Yeah, exactly.

Your spear will come in handy as a selfie stick.

There you go, right?

We don't eat grubs, ants, or fungus, but if you really miss it, try Chipotle.

Women must cover their bare breasts in public, but we make an exception for Rihanna.

It's a good exception.

Beautiful.

Reread.

Under Obamacare, if you like your medicine, man, you can keep your medicine.

I know your real name is,

but give the kid at Starbreaks a break and say, Ken.

So tips.

If you plan to sneak into America, hurry.

Oh, here's an important tip for this.

If you want to feel good here in America, you only need to know three words of English.

I have glaucoma.

Jiffy Lube doesn't really change your oil.

They just take your money and hide in that little hole.

This is something you're going to need to.

Throwback Thursday doesn't mean you get to be a cannibal again.

You see?

Right, because you all have so many good friends among the indigenous people of the Amazon.

God, I hate liberals.

Donald Trump.

Donald Trump is not wearing war paint.

He's always that color.

And if some guy named Sting calls, just tell him you're busy.

All right, he's America's favorite astrophysicist who hosts National Geographic Star Talk and is the director of the Hayden Planetarium.

Neil deGrasse Tyson is over there.

Neil deGrasse Tyson.

How are you, my friend?

All right.

Look at you.

Hey, you always have one of your...

You always have one of your science-y ties.

I never know when I need to reference it in conversation.

Right, exactly.

Actually, that's good for me, because I can see it.

Now, that's Saturn, right?

So, four of our giant planets have rings, but this is likely Saturn.

Now, I watched your show, Cosmos, like, over and over.

I love that show.

Well, thank you.

Thank you.

Thank you.

You referred to Saturn on that show as the crown jewel of our solar system.

Because it's beautiful.

If you've ever seen Saturn.

I just wanted to give me credit for remembering.

Oh, thank you.

You not only get credit for remembering, if you've ever seen Saturn through a telescope, it is jaw-dropping.

Really?

And it can transform your life, as it did mine.

Why?

Saturn's telescope.

It's a planet with a ring and other moons orbiting around it.

Okay.

Just saying.

Okay, all right, all right, all right, all right.

Easy there.

We're not all nerds, okay?

All right.

We don't all look with a telescope with an orgasm about it.

Okay.

So, but speaking of that.

It just means you've never seen it through a telescope.

That's evidence.

But even if I had, you wouldn't be speaking that way.

It wouldn't even

if you had.

I am certain

thus is the power of the universe on the soul.

Would not compare to the beauty of a woman.

No, the universe has boundless heavenly bodies for just that purpose.

Okay.

You fuck who you want to to fuck.

Now,

speaking of the Big Bang,

I know we've talked about this before.

Yeah, what?

But I'm going to go at it again just to see if you can keep your story straight.

Okay, go on.

Because, look, I'm a believer in science, but I just got to.

You don't have to believe in science.

No, I know, I know.

You're right.

You're right.

It is true.

I know, no, I know.

That's what I meant.

That's what I meant.

That's what you meant.

I right.

Don't care.

You said

that.

All right, all right, all right, all right.

So let's go through the Big Bang again.

Now, the universe is 14 billion years.

Yeah, about 14 billion years.

And let's just, now I know everything was just in a little.

Small.

How big?

Like that big?

Small, pinhead size, yeah.

Pinhead size.

Okay, so let's just say, let's just say the Earth was in there.

We know what was more.

I'm going to get to that.

That which would become the Earth was in there, yes.

Right.

Now, it's true that, like, atoms,

the same amount of atoms were always in the universe, right?

They just changed form.

Well, atoms, they can become energy and back and forth.

But I mean, like, if you put the Earth in that little thing that was

just the Earth, you're saying that it condensed, because we can picture that.

Condensing at very high temperatures,

matter and energy.

All of the Earth would fit into that little thing.

Yeah, yeah.

But it would not be stable.

It would explode and give us the Big Bang.

But wait.

That's why we have to go to the bottom.

So now let's picture the Earth, the whole Earth, in that one little thing.

But it's not just the Earth.

And the Earth was uninhabited.

Chris Christie was not on the Earth at the time.

Correct, correct.

But the atoms that would become Chris Christie

were destined.

Yes.

Okay.

Because I've tried to close the suitcase before.

I'm like, you think he got...

And then there's that one last thing in the...

Take dangling out to get us stuck.

I'm there.

I'm with you.

Okay, so we fit the Earth in there.

And then we fit the Sun and all the planets and all the galaxies into that one little thing.

And you expect me to believe that instead of Jesus?

So the difference is, perhaps, that all evidence we have on the universe points to that scenario.

So and the universe is under no obligation to make sense to you.

No, I true.

Human senses.

Human senses are not the measure of what is or is not true in the universe.

Experiments are.

I'm just saying there must be so much space

that we're wasting if we could condense everything into just fitting into that little thing.

Yeah, in fact, most of matter is empty space.

In fact, the first person to discover that,

sending particles through a gold foil and finding out a gold leaf just dangling there, and most particles just went right on through.

And he concluded that matter must be mostly empty space.

And he's rumored the next morning to have, for having been the only person to have known this at that time, he was afraid to step on the floor out of fear he might fall through.

That's how much he knew the empty space occupied the universe.

He was really afraid to fall through the floor.

No, I mean, it's rumored that just for that brief moment, I know, and I'm the only one

in the world who knows how empty matter is, so I'm afraid to step upon it, because I might fall through.

Well, it just shows that nerds, you know.

Yeah, well, we

have to practice.

You keep trying to use nerds like it's an insult, but there's like

today it's a compliment.

Yeah.

You're not pulling me in on that.

I'm just saying.

And they're just applauding

star fuckers and you're a star now.

They don't know any of this shit anything.

Give me a break.

Okay, so I want to ask you about Zika, because you're a scientist.

What?

Not that I have any particular expertise on...

Mosquito-borne viruses, but as a scientist,

I may have something to add to your conversation.

Yes.

You know more than the regular person.

Perhaps, yes.

Okay.

I'm not asking you to get involved with the mosquito.

I'm just asking.

I'm saying, okay, that's fine.

All right.

But I've heard you talk about evolution on cosmos.

Oh, yeah, yeah.

And bugs,

like, you know, little bugs.

Yeah, they evolve really effectively.

Really effectively.

Yes.

That's right.

Yes.

That's what I want to get to.

They can respond to change.

So, by the way, evolution doesn't mean I'm an organism and then I adapt.

All right.

Many people don't understand.

I remember what it is.

Things change randomly and then they are selected.

Yes.

So those that cannot survive.

Like the white polar bear.

Yes.

Those that cannot survive die, and those that have the feature that enables them to thrive in that environment continue.

So nothing actually adapts, like an organism does not itself adapt.

The species adapts by creating some members of itself that can thrive in that environment.

That's correct.

Okay.

So now.

So it fits all into a loop.

No, the issue of the Zika virus was the funding to research it, right?

Well, let's involve our our panel in that

the political people.

Now you.

See, look at that.

You fuck yourself out of more talk.

No, I want you to involve that.

Okay, yes.

$1.9 billion is what President Obama asked to fight this about five months ago.

And the Republican Congress, in all their glory, said, you know what, we've never said yes to anything.

A plague is upon us.

Still no.

Better to have a plague than to give Obama a win.

But it's here now.

A woman in New Jersey has it.

They're saying that there is laboratory evidence that 300 women in America or American colonies might have it.

It can also be transferred orally, vaginally, and anally.

The Holy Trinity.

But probably not here because we don't have water.

Yay, drought.

Yay, drought.

You know, the mosquitoes breed in water.

But here's what Charles Beard, the insect-borne disease expert, said, and I hope this will wake people up to global warming, that there are so many ways it can get you.

He said, with rising temperatures, you're speeding up the whole reproductive cycle of the mosquitoes.

You get larger populations with more generations.

And also, by the way, they go farther north.

They're in Florida now, but they're going to be in Washington, D.C.

with the rest of the bloodsuckers.

You get it?

You know what else you have?

You have, there are many sort of parasitic vectors that are tamped down in their population over the winter months because in the cold they don't reproduce or they don't.

And so if the winters are milder, then their birth, then their population as you enter the spring begins at a higher level and can create far more devastation than would have otherwise been the case.

That's not a problem unless they're carrying some virus that is lethal.

But that's what they do.

The Indians always do, right?

And well, the funding fight, though, shows how truly stupid we've we've become because it used to be at least that if there was a common threat that would transcend partisan politics but now we politicize everything including you know diseases and pandemics and and it goes to the point you make very often about the war on science you know we need to have fact-based debates that requires one basic thing everyone's entitled their own opinion but not everyone you're not entitled to your own facts and partisan media and ideological kool-aid have totally screwed us up in that book so we can't reason together right now well let's not pretend that there's there's a false equivalency.

Right.

I mean, there is a false equivalency.

Let's not pretend that Democrats and Republicans equally deny science.

No, asymmetric polar denomination.

Wait, wait, wait, wait.

But

it depends on the issue.

Wait, wait, wait.

Thank you.

So don't be all too high and mighty there, because there's certain aspects of science denial that are squarely in the liberal left.

Like, oh.

Really?

You want to have that conversation?

Yeah, yeah.

Okay.

So, you know, I know one, but I don't want to get into it.

Okay, fine.

So vaccine denial.

Let's not do

that.

Vaccine denial.

Good.

You look at...

Right.

That's the one.

Well, there's more.

You want more?

Okay.

Yes, I want more.

So you look at the movement towards,

let me see.

Look at

alternative medicine, for example.

There are a whole, just hold on.

I'm with you on that, Doc.

My point is, I have nothing against alternative medicine, but if you want to, well, in some cases I do.

But the point is to fully embrace alternative medicine means you are rejecting some forms of established science.

No, that's not true.

Not right, especially if you have like a Chinese herbalist.

A lot of the Chinese herbs that people did not understand, the Chinese soups that you were drinking, those things are now being extracted and turned into pill form and pharmaceutical medicine.

And by the way, the medical community has been doing that for the last century and a half.

They took all of

the home remedies and said, why does this work?

Let's Let's find out, let's extract this.

And a whole generation of medicine emerged in the 20th century because of that very step.

Now

it also was corrupted because

it was taken over by big pharma.

That's the truth, too.

It was a holistic natural medicine that's now taken over by big pharma.

The profit motive got in the way of the truth.

But the profit motive also

liberated medicine so that many, many more people had it.

The point is, not everyone.

It doesn't have to be one or the other.

Well, that's the point.

Not every side is on the side of the angels or the devils, right?

No party has a monopoly on virtue or vice.

And it all, you know, obviously business helps us get medicines.

You know, it can reduce poverty, and it can also corrupt things through profit motives.

So it's about the right.

So we're very ignorant if we're saying that the Republicans and Democrats equally deny science.

Republicans definitely deny science

than the left.

Why and the Democrats have things to answer for that?

More important to get to that point than to actually talk about, for instance, using genetically modified.

They can modify science science much less than the right.

They really do.

We can have genetically modified mosquitoes right now attacking these mosquitoes.

There are groups that have been blocking for the momentum.

And the anti-GMO movement is

anti-scientific, even if you're part of it.

I'm just telling you,

I agree with you.

Okay, we're not arguing.

I think a more fundamental...

Well,

let's not have a false equivalency and say the liberals are as bad.

Size matters.

Republicans are worse.

It starts with.

That's just the truth.

They deny global warming.

But you always want to.

Excuse me, but climate change is the biggest issue of our time.

One party denies it, one party doesn't.

Okay?

We have to start from there.

But the bigger issue is, why did Noah bring the mosquitoes on the ark?

What an asshole.

Well, there's a debate about whether the ark carried flying things, by the way.

But it goes back to what you said at the beginning of the show.

It's like, why does Donald Trump get a pass on so many things?

Why isn't he tested in the crucible that Hillary Clinton is?

It's definitely uneven.

We have a higher standard for people on the left and on the right.

You're kind of like, also for people who

lie.

Like, oh, you tie to shoes.

They try to hold themselves to higher standards.

Hey, you know what?

Conman Donald, and

however...

complicated Hillary Clinton is.

But I also think that the left is better at holding their own people responsible.

I was watching these protesters yesterday.

Yeah, this is good.

This is good.

No, we should be be talking about that.

Okay, in San Jose, right?

I mean, there were people who were pelting Donald Trump supporters.

These are liberals who hate Donald Trump.

I understand why Mexican folks hate Donald Trump.

And, you know, there's nothing that ruins the

high from a fascist rally like an egg in the face.

But it's still wrong to do.

Absolutely.

And they make our side look bad.

And in a week where Donald Trump had a horrible time, suddenly at the end, he gets some sympathy.

Those people couldn't have helped Donald Trump more than if they were on his payroll, burning the American flag, attacking his supporters.

Protest means holding yourself to a higher standard.

Otherwise, it's just mob violence and riot.

What I don't understand is why, as an educator, I care about the population and the electorate and all this attention going to complain about Donald Trump.

You're not really complaining about Donald Trump.

You're complaining that there is a major portion of the electorate who likes him.

And so they are your actual object of your ire.

Okay, if they're the object of your ire, then shouldn't you be looking at the educational system that

somehow allows people to

not think about Canada and not think about what is and is not true in this world?

Isn't that where the focus is?

And by the way, rather than just you can you can knock Trump out of the contest and the population of supports it will just wait for the next one to rise up and you have to beat the next one over there.

And even on top of the education, it's what are those issues?

Because community forms around around shared problems.

So what are the issues those people that have formed around Trump?

What are their problems and how do we help them?

Like, honestly, you've got to try to help everybody.

But if you're going to talk about the educational system, that is another place where liberals have a lot to answer for.

They fucked it up as bad as anybody.

And apologized for it.

Hillary Clinton has said that, oh, it's because we haven't spent enough money on education.

You can say a lot of things about education in this country, K through 12, over the last 40 years.

Us not spending enough money is not one of the things that you can say with a straight face because we spend about three times per capita per student than we used to.

And for that money, our kids should be doing much gooder.

And they're not.

All right, it's time for new rules, everybody.

New rules.

New rules, in order to save time, just report when Russian Olympic athletes don't test positive for steroids.

We don't even need a test.

If an athlete has superhuman strength, too much facial hair, and shriveled-up balls, she is on steroids.

New rule, pretty girls can be gangsta too.

Meet Sarah Seawright, who was arrested for aggravated robbery, kidnapping, and battery, and who's become an internet sensation because she's a real knockout.

And by that, I mean she'll sneak up behind you at the ATM and knock you the fuck out.

Leroy, now that Stephen Hawking has called Trump a demagogue, Trump has to prove that one time he can just not respond.

He's attacked prisoners of war and disabled reporters.

Up, too late.

R2D2 Hawking is a terrible scientist.

I love the universe.

He has Lou Gehrig's disease, but none of its class.

Thinks he's smart, but his law for constant surface gravity at the event horizon of black holes very stupid that was for you

you

I got it

why do you boo what's the booing I didn't boo

them what is everybody so sensitive

next rule

new rule someone must tell me what's the deal with old Asian people and sweeping

you gotta sweep out the bad luck

sweep out the bad luck more booing more booing and you're embracing science in this Okay, why?

New rule, the Indian woman.

Well, you'll hate this one too.

New rule, the Indian woman who recently gave birth to a 15-pound baby, can be sued for.

I think they were just visualizing right now.

Visualizing childhood, I guess.

Can be sued for damages by her vagina.

If you deliver 15 pounds of anything, you're not a mom, you're a UPS truck.

Asked what the baby's gender was, doctors said, we're still poking around.

Doesn't it feel better to just let go?

Just let go.

Finally, new rules, since this year's presidential race features both an unabashed socialist and a bona fide capitalist pig, someone needs to explain to the free market solves everything crowd that when it comes to socialism, you're soaking in it.

Marco Rubio says, if you want to live in a socialist country, why not move to a socialist country?

Oh, you mean like Florida, where everyone's on Social Security?

Yes, so many Americans hate the word socialism, but love the concept.

Medicare, unemployment, disability, farm subsidies.

Forget the transgender debate.

What America really needs is a separate bathroom for welfare queens.

You know, back in February when democracy was still serious and Trump was still a joke,

66% of young people told pollsters that corporate America, quote, embodies everything that is wrong with America.

And that more than anything else is what this election is about.

And what side you're on in that debate is all about your generation.

Older Americans are more religious.

And America's real religion is capitalism.

And like any religion, it needs a devil.

And that devil has always been socialism.

In 1961, Ronald Reagan said if we passed Medicare, we'd wind up telling our children what it was once was like in America when men were free.

Thanks, Nostra, dumbass.

Oh, we hate the red team.

Republicans always think if you allow a little socialism, it'll spread out of control.

But actually, it's the opposite.

It's capitalism that we've let spread out of control.

It's eaten our democracy.

It's eating our middle class.

It's eaten our health care system, our prison system, our news media.

It's even eaten our food system so thoroughly that a lot of our food is no longer something that should be eaten.

Because

capitalism is a shark or a tidal wave or pond scum or whatever metaphor metaphor you like to describe an unthinking force that devours everything in its path.

And now the latest thing it is scarfing down is our national parks.

The government just announced they would be selling naming rights at the parks like we do at sports stadiums because the parks are $11 billion in debt.

And since capitalism solves everything, cue corporate America.

who's always asking one simple question, how can we help?

Nothing in it for us.

We just want to lend a hand.

Like when Bill Cosby offers to help you with your modeling career.

So get ready to see the bison roaming at Yellowstone with the Nike swoosh shaped into their ass.

And you'll...

You'll no longer be having anonymous gay sex in Yosemite's rest area number 12.

You'll be getting blown in the quick and loans men's room.

The grand tetons will be brought to you by Hooters and the...

And the Washington Monument by Seattle.

And the Statue of Liberty by Massingill.

Give me, you're tired, you're hungry.

You're feeling not so fresh.

You know, when you're handing over national parks to corporations, when the price of a life-saving drug goes up 5,000% overnight, when our elections are being bought by the evil puppet from the Saw movies,

it's time to realize we're better off if there are a few things that free market profiteers can't get their cloven hooves on.

On the same day I read about the $11 billion the parks need, there was also this headline, $40 billion Air Force tanker program delayed.

Because that's the problem with the Grand Canyon.

It doesn't make Boeing rich.

It just sits there, stupid canyon.

I'm not arguing against the free market, just not for everything.

It's funny, older people think socialism is capitalism's enemy, and younger people think it's capitalism's replacement, but they're both wrong.

What socialism is, is capitalism's lap band,

something to prevent it from eating everything.

All right, that's our show.

I'll be at the Connor Palace in Cleveland tomorrow.

Wow, June 4th, and at Heinz Hall in Pittsburgh, July 8th.

I want to thank John Avlin, Matt Welch, Eddie Wang, Neil deGrasse Tyson, and Nick Hanauer.

Join us tonight.

Now, what am I saying on YouTube?

Catch all new episodes of Real Time with Bill Maher every Friday night at 10, or watch him anytime on HBO On Demand.

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