Bonus Bill (Originally aired 05/27/16)

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Now it's time for Real Time 2.0.

Your chance to listen in behind the scenes to the real-time monologue jokes America didn't hear.

Now, I don't want to alarm anyone here, but for the first time in a head-to-head matchup in the polls between Donald Trump and Hillary Clinton, Trump is ahead.

What historians are calling the beginning of the Great Northern Migration.

For you horror fans, this is the part of the movie where the zombies have gotten into the mall.

Now he's wrapping everything up, Donald Trump.

He's over 1237.

He's got his delegates in line.

He's got the endorsement of the NRA last week, even though he never fired a gun.

But he has fired Gary Busey, who has the IQ of a gun.

And,

you know, this guy, he only knows one speech.

Even though he's won, he's still lashing out at everybody, insulting everybody.

Yesterday he was calling Elizabeth Warren Warren Pocahontas.

Pocahontas.

He's just jealous because Indians know how to run casinos.

But people are getting nervous.

There's a group of over 400 writers led by Stephen King who put out an online

petition trying to get America to turn against Donald Trump.

400 writers.

It really hurt Donald Trump because Donald Trump loves books.

Especially chapter 11.

But

Hillary is not having the best week.

The State Department Inspector General came back with his report about her dreaded email, and I don't want to say it was bad, but the first sentence in it is: hey, Bernie, you're going to love this.

Yeah, apparently she broke the State Department rules and they said it presented a security risk.

And also they said she spent an ignorant amount of time on an app game called Calculating Birds.

And that's.

Yeah, Hillary's on a big campaign swing right here through California.

She says she loves sunny California.

It's a chance to work on her bland.

Now actually, all three candidates are here in California because the primary is coming up next week.

Pretty exciting stuff.

Hillary is concentrating on the techies up north and Bernie's concentrating on the liberals here down in the south and and Trump is mostly working on the meth heads in the middle.

Now

the other big story that broke this week was Bill Cosby.

I don't know if we still have Bill Cosby fans.

But Bill Cosby, well, there was a time when I said that, and people booed, how could you make jokes about Bill Cosby?

I think that worm has turned.

But Bill Cosby apparently now going to be standing trial for allegedly drugging and sexually assaulting someone over 10 years ago.

This is very disconcerting for married women who also always used falling asleep as a way to avoid sex.

But no,

they unsealed some 10-year-old depositions that Cosby gave and Cosby said, this is what Cosby admits.

He said that a modeling agency used to send over five or six girls a week.

And when Cosby called a girl 10, he was talking in milligrams.

He was

just close.

But

five or six models a week.

He preferred models because they were more likely to be compliant and less likely to want dinner.

But here's my favorite part of the deposition.

They asked him in the deposit, this is a deposition, the legal lawyers and all that kind of shit, and they said, Mr.

Cosby, so you used lotion.

She used lotion on your penis and rubbed it until you ejaculated.

And he said,

bingo.

I swear to God.

Bingo.

And when he came, he used to say, Yahtzee.

And when he couldn't get it up, he said, you sunk my battleship.

Okay, thank you very much.

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