Bonus Bill (Originally aired 03/25/16)

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Now it's time for Real Time 2.0.

Your chance to listen in behind the scenes to the real-time monologue jokes America didn't hear.

Thank you very much.

Thank you very much.

Thank you.

Thank you very much.

I appreciate that.

Okay, all right, all right.

Oh,

thank you.

Okay, so let's get big, big, big news news week we had.

Obama was in Cuba.

How about that?

Anybody from Cuba?

Well, it was pretty exciting.

He made a great speech.

He said, I come here to bury the last remnant of the Cold War.

And if you open your nation to us Cubans, we will send you thousands of our college kids to throw up on your beaches.

Very moving.

Yeah, we're going to have a lot of trade.

He said, baseball players, we'll take all of them.

Salsa music, we'll take that shit.

Cigars, we'll take all of that.

But if he said, if you send us another Ted Cruz, the deal is off.

He met with Raul Castro, Castro, or as Fox News put it, loathsome communist dictator.

Meets with Raul Castro.

Yeah, he and Raul Castro held a joint press conference.

The Conservatives reacted like Obama held a joint.

And, of course, Republicans are very mad at Obama because he attended a baseball game in Cuba a day after the Brussels terrorist attack.

And they got very mad at this.

You're not supposed to do this, says the party of the guy who sat there for seven minutes reading My Pet Goat

when the trade towers were crumbling.

Ted Cruz said, Obama should be back in America keeping us, this country, safe.

Like, what is he supposed to do?

Sit on the White House porch with a shotgun?

It never ends with these guys.

I mean, remember a few weeks ago they had a big contest about whose penis was bigger?

Well, now they've moved on to whose wife is more fuckable.

This is such a mature party.

Here's what happened.

Listen to the whole story.

So the Utah primary was on Tuesday.

Ted Cruz won it big.

And an anti-Trump super PAC that wanted Ted Cruz to win put up a picture, an ad, of a nude, Melania Trump, Donald's wife, to creep out the Mormons.

And it did, because they saw right away she was not wearing magic underwear.

And the ad ruthlessly insinuated that Donald Trump was not a Mormon.

He's had many wives, but not at the same time.

But,

oh, yes, Trump was furious.

He said it was outrageous.

It was undignified.

He said it was below the belt, where by the way, I have a huge dick.

I mean,

there's a new CNN poll that says Americans find Hillary Clinton more presidential than Trump.

You think?

Hillary scored 20 points higher on can handle responsibilities of the commander-in-chief, although Trump scored higher on likelihood of using the State of the Union address to launch a line of frozen dinners.

But there were primaries on Tuesday.

Hillary and Trump won Arizona both handily.

But Bernie Sanders, big winner in Utah and Idaho.

And that should shut up the people.

That should shut up the people who say Bernie can't win the black vote.

Thank you very much.

Catch all new episodes of Real Time with Bill Maher every Friday night at 10, or watch him anytime on HBO On Demand.

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