Episode #383 (Originally aired 04/08/16)

Charlie Sheen is an icon of decadence.

I lit the fuse and my life turns into everything it wasn't supposed to be.

He's going the distance.

He was the highest paid TV star of all time.

When it started to change, it was quick.

He kept saying, No, no, no, I'm in the hospital now, but next week I'll be ready for the show.

Now, Charlie's sober.

He's gonna tell you the truth.

How do I present this with any class?

I think we're past that, Charlie.

We're past that, yeah.

Somebody call action.

Yeah, aka Charlie Sheen, only on Netflix, September 10th.

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Welcome to an HBO podcast from the HBO late night series, Real Time with Bill Maher.

Start the clock.

Good afternoon.

Afternoon.

Time will be

real time.

Thank you.

Thank

Oh, what a crowd.

Sounds like a hot crowd, I can tell.

Oh,

thank you.

Thank you very much.

I love you too.

Thank you.

I think I know why you're

why you're happy tonight, because the Stop Trump movement got really good this week.

Wisconsin, he got his ass dumped and it

looks like the air is finally coming out of the Trump hemorrhoid pillow.

That's right.

Ted Cruz won Wisconsin big because what goes better with cheese than a cracker?

But of course Donald Trump was very gracious in defeat.

No, of course not he put out a statement that Tit Cruz is a liar, ran an illegal campaign, he's a Trojan horse, the party bosses are using him to try to steal the election by getting more votes.

He's like a bipolar five-year-old.

He has

two settings.

You cheated and you started it.

It's always.

It's like, if I win, I win, and if you win, it doesn't count because you cheated, so fuck you.

You know,

I'm beginning to see why no one went to his casinos.

By the way,

Donald Trump's campaign is a lot like his casinos, full of smoke and mirrors, and older white people dealt bad hands.

That's...

But, so I'm watching this and this morning I had breakfast with the president, President Obama.

He was here in L.A.

at

the two of us.

You know, there was like 20 other people.

It was at Toby Maguire's house.

And the president spoke movingly about how we need to do more about our retired Spider-Man.

But,

you know,

I mean, just watching the Republicans and then listening to the president, in fact,

the contrast that we have an adult

president.

Adult, priceless.

What a priceless concept in a president.

So

it was not a good week for the two Democratic candidates in this regard because this week got a little testy and a little unadult, right?

Hillary feeling the burn.

You know,

Bernie won Wisconsin big.

Bernie has won seven of the last eight primaries.

He is.

He is breathing down Hillary's neck, and it's a long time since a man did that.

So meanwhile, I love this, Bernie's supporters staged a protest here in LA outside of CNN headquarters because, you know, no matter what this guy does, he gets less airtime on CNN than the sad lady in the abilify commercial.

It's so weird.

On CNN, Bernie can't get arrested, and on Fox News, Hillary's always about to be arrested.

And I read something interesting.

You know that Trump and Hillary are about the same age?

He's 69, and she's about to be 69.

And oh, stop it.

I don't go to the gutter

well sometimes but you know

but and they're both on medication Hillary is on well it's true Hillary is on blood thinners and Trump is on skin thinners

but

but here's the big news that happened today I think you should know about I try to catch people up on the week you know the Pope came out with a book today.

Did you see this?

It's called The Joy of Love.

Sounds like somebody's horny.

The joy from the Pope.

It's 256 pages.

It's all about relationships.

And what, I swear to God, at one point the Pope says, healthy married sex always has a sense of wonder.

Wow, the Pope is...

But you know what?

If people can believe that Donald Trump, a man whose companies have gone bankrupt four times, is an economic genius, Why not sex tips from a 79-year-old bachelor in a dress?

Okay, we got a great show.

We have Max Brooks, Heather McGee, and Andy Dean, and a little later I'll be speaking with the hilarious Kathy Griffin is backstage.

But first,

please welcome the 26th United States Secretary of Labor, Thomas Perez.

Hey, Mr.

Secretary, how are you doing?

Great to have you here.

Okay.

All right.

So you are the Secretary of Labor.

Absolutely.

Look at you.

That's what my wife says.

And you're the 26th.

No, this wasn't from the beginning of the Republic.

George Washington didn't have a Secretary of Labor, right?

When did it start?

It's been around over 100 years.

100 years.

Okay.

So,

and we are almost at, or maybe we are at what they call full employment, right?

Well, we're not quite.

I still think we've got more room for improvement, but we've come a long way.

But what is the unemployment rate?

The unemployment rate right now is 5%.

5%.

But they usually say that is full employment.

Well,

because it's like,

I mean, America has always said this, that like one out of 20 people we can't take responsibility for.

One out of 20 are just ne'er-do-well, losers, fuck-ups who are not going to get a job no matter what you do.

Come on, admit that.

I know a few of them.

I got to admit.

I won't name names.

Okay, so but I'm sure you heard Donald Trump at one point said that that figure is is completely wrong.

He said it's more like 28, 29 percent.

And then he went, or maybe even 35.

In fact, I heard, because this is how he gets his information, you know, I heard.

You heard it from Cliff Clavin.

I heard it might be as high as 42.

What would America look like if unemployment was at 42?

Well,

I mean, there's a reason his name rhymes with dump because, you know, he's really full of, you know what.

And uh

well I'm sorry you know my mother taught me right okay

but you know in order to have that we we'd have to have my 95 year old grandmother working we'd have to have my you know high school sophomore working I mean the reality is this Bill

this president inherited a mess the worst mess of our lifetime the unemployment rate was inching up to 10 percent

2 million plus jobs lost in the three months before he took office and now we've seen 73 months in a row of private sector job growth to the tune of over 14 million jobs and there's an Eeyore caucus out there

It must be so frustrating for you guys if you watch the Republican debates because they talk about the last eight years like they didn't happen.

I'm going to bring jobs back.

I mean my favorite fact-free zone comment is when we hear from Ted Cruz and others that Obamacare has been a job killer.

We've had 14.3 million jobs created since the Affordable Care Act was passed.

We've seen African-American

enrollment, you know,

the ranks of the uninsured among African Americans have gone down by 50%.

Latinos gone down substantially.

And so this fact-free zone is indeed fact-free.

Okay, but honestly, now there's some bullshit.

Sorry, mom.

On the Democratic side, too, because, I mean, they always talk about how manufacturing, you know,

all the manufacturing jobs are gone.

That's not true, right?

Aren't we actually doing pretty well with manufacturing?

Well, you know,

the last year has been challenging.

And it's been challenging for two simple reasons.

We have a strong dollar, and we have a global economy outside the United States that is still struggling.

And so when you have a strong dollar, it's harder to export things.

But the six years before that, we saw the best growth in manufacturing since the 90s.

And I've visited people.

I visited a guy in Ohio who'd been a steel worker for 25 years, lost his job.

We helped him.

We're like match.com.

We match workers who want to punch their ticket to the middle class with employers who want to grow their business, and we use the secret sauce of training.

And now he works in specialty steel.

And he said to me, and I'll never forget it, you know, Tom, I used my brawn for 25 years, and now I'm using my brain.

And that's the, what's so insulting about the Eeyore caucus is that they do a disservice

to the Eeyore caucus of Republicans who say, you know, everything is bad.

You know, they could win the lottery on a Friday and they'd complain that the banks are closed till Monday.

Right.

And

what's so frustrating is it does such a disservice to the millions and millions of Americans who are kicked to the side of the road at this recession and have climbed back through their grit and determination.

And to sit there and deny that is such a disservice.

Right.

Okay.

So what about minimum wage?

Now, that's a big issue in this campaign.

Bernie wants it to be $15 across the board.

Hillary says only that in the big cities, otherwise $12.

Elizabeth Warren says if we pegged it to productivity since 1960, it would really be $22.

And honestly,

I don't know how you can live on even $15.

Well, the minimum wage stands for the simple proposition that no one who works a full-time job should have to live in poverty.

And I meet so many people in this job, Bill, who are working a full-time job and getting their food at the food pantry.

I met a woman in Detroit who fast food.

Well, you get out a lot.

I make house calls and I see that.

You're on the column.

You're on the case.

And

the night before I met her, she has three kids.

She works in the fast food area.

And she slept in her car.

You know, we can do better than that as a nation.

And what the president has supported, and I support, and the likes of Elizabeth Warren and Patty Murray and other progressive Democrats support is a $12 federal floor and then $15 elsewhere.

The first trip I took in 2016 was to stand with Andrew Cuomo for the fight for 15 in New York, and they've succeeded.

I've spent a lot of time with Eric Garcetti, and I appreciate his leadership in putting forth a $15 minimum wage here in Los Angeles and now across the state.

Upwards of 60 million people now

are living.

I read that in the private sector, over 80% of the private sector is service industry,

which makes it sound to me like there are a few rich people and then a lot of people waiting on them.

Well,

I mean, here's the reality of our world right now is that we've made this tremendous progress that I pointed out.

But the equal reality is that our economy is still out of balance.

We have way too many people.

The rising tide needs to lift all the boats, not just the yachts.

And the unfinished business of this recovery is to make sure we have shared prosperity.

And that's what I do every day in this job, is to make sure that people have the skills to succeed and the retirement security to succeed and that they get paid for the jobs.

I understand you are the first cabinet secretary to be confirmed on a strict party line vote.

You didn't get one Republican vote, right?

On cloture, actually on both.

That's amazing because, I mean, no offense, but this is not one of those cabinet positions that usually is that controversial.

It's not one of the sexy ones.

Again, I'm not trying to insult you, but you know,

it's not Attorney General or Secretary of Defense.

You know, it's, you know, labor.

Come on, give it to them.

Well, I mean, here's the reality, Bill.

This sex talk is getting me a little uncomfortable.

You know, Bill, the reality is this, and here's why that happened.

Before I had this job, I ran the Civil Rights Division of the Justice Department.

And in that job, I fought the mortgage industry because they were screwing African Americans and Latinos.

I fought against voter ID laws.

I fought against voter ID laws in Texas and elsewhere.

I took on Joe Arpaio and other sheriffs who were abusing people.

That was the world I lived in.

I did that because you know what?

America is better when everyone has access to opportunity.

And

some people didn't write that by doing the right thing.

And someone said that

always welcome.

You can judge a person by the enemies they make.

Right.

My holiday card list did not get longer.

You're always welcome here for that.

Great job.

Thank you.

Thank you.

All right.

Good job.

Let's meet our panel.

Hey, how are you doing?

All right, here's our panel.

He is a senior fellow at the Atlantic Council and non-resident fellow at West Point and the author of World War Z.

Love that one.

Max Brooks.

Hey Max.

Thank you.

Great to see you back here.

She is the president of Demos Action.

Heather McGee back with us.

How you doing?

And he is a radio talk show host and former president of Trump Productions.

The very brave Andy Dean is right over here.

All right, remember to send us your questions for tonight's overtime so we can answer them after the show on YouTube.

All right, let's talk about Donald Trump, your boy.

He had a couple of bad weeks, I got to say.

Now, people have been predicting his demise ever since he announced his candidacy, and they have been wrong every time.

But let me give you some numbers now, because it's not looking good.

The AP poll came out today.

Seven in ten Americans view him unfavorably, including almost half of Republicans, 60% of registered voters say they wouldn't vote for him in the general election,

including unfavorable majorities of men, women, young, old,

conservative, moderate, liberal, white, black, Hispanic.

Is there anyone not in this list of people who fucking hate Donald Trump?

No, no, no, no, no, no, no.

It's hard enough for him.

Don't

70% of women he is unfavorable with.

Just to give you some perspective, Bill Cosby's at 62%.

No, no.

Oh,

that's men and women, to be fair.

But, I mean, the New York Times said he is a zombie candidate, damaged but unelectable.

What say you?

Okay.

Well, Bill, you've got numbers, but if you look at the actual votes, right,

which are more important, Donald Trump has 5 million more votes than John Kasich.

He has 2 million more votes than Lion Ted Cruz.

He's won 21 states.

He's won 21 states.

Ted Cruz has won 11, and John Kasich has won 1.

So if you look at the voters.

He's kicking ass.

He's kicking butt.

In the primary.

Right.

And then New York's going to vote in less than 10 days, and he's going to dominate.

And then you've got Connecticut, Delaware, Rhode Island.

Pennsylvania, Maryland.

And so at the end of April, it's going to be mathematically impossible for Ted Cruz to win.

So the only question is, does Donald Trump get to 1237?

We think he's going to get there if you just look flat out at the polling.

But even if he's 20 to 30 delegates short, he's going to get there with the unbound delegates because we have a strategy.

We hired Paul Manafort, who's going to be our convention manager, and we're getting serious about it.

So if he does fall short, we're going to win in the first ballot anyway, like Gerald Ford did in 76.

Interesting.

Now,

let me ask this of the other panel members.

Ted Cruz seems to be

gaining favor.

When I say gaining favor among the other Republicans, they're thinking, hey, you know what, we don't like him, but sometimes you have to use a rat to kill a snake.

It seems like with Ted Cruz, they've gone through the five stages, you know,

bargaining, denial, anger,

and now they're up to acceptance.

And that

could be bad news for Donald Trump, yes?

Yeah, but they're also floating these trial balloons that a brokered convention could actually bring somebody else.

You know, Paul Ryan had this video that looked remarkably like a campaign ad.

And the problem is, I just don't think, even if they can avoid, the Republicans can avoid bringing two very unpopular and unlikable, in my opinion, folks through to the nomination, their field is also still wildly out of step with the rest of the country.

I mean, Paul Ryan gets all these points for being so serious and intellectual, but to get to his plan, his deficit and death plan, he would have to basically end the U.S.

government as we know it.

And Trump is the same way.

He would just do it in eight years instead of 35.

Well, I think there's also, I think the bigger lesson that we're not learning from Trump is why are so many people for him?

And this is the same problem you have in counterinsurgency: when the moderates, when the grown-ups in government don't do their job, the radicals will promise something.

And that's the Viet Cong or that's the Taliban.

It doesn't matter.

There's a reason so many people want this tiny-handed Muppet and they don't want to listen.

Oh, hey, Andy.

Yeah, that's...

I don't know.

I mean, look, over 8 million Americans have voted for Donald Trump.

So in comparison to Alabama.

But why?

Why do they want him?

We should be listening to the Trump voters next Trump.

I really agree with that.

I think that there is a narrative in this country right now that progressives and Democrats are ignoring to their peril, which is that this country is changing, right?

And that is actually really real.

It's changing demographically at a time when we also, for completely separate reasons, have rewritten the rules to make it harder for working families to get ahead.

And so, in the zero-sum mentality of American politics, it's because there are more brown and black and yellow and red people in this country, and the white man

is not getting a shot.

And I actually think it's really important that progressives and Democrats talk about that explicitly, because otherwise, we're going to keep losing working and middle-class white folks who should be with Democrats.

Yeah?

Well, let me

answer your question about maybe why I think he is liked by some people, lots of people,

the point you made, and your point about economics, because I would call it the credibility of money.

When Donald Trump speaks, I think a lot of people think, it sounds crazy, but it's coming from a rich guy.

And this was brought home this week because he gave an interview with the Washington Post and he was asked if he could get rid of the debt, which is $19 trillion.

And he said he could do it in eight years, which is just loony tunes, Andy.

I mean, first of all, it's going to be $26 billion by the end of that eight year, trillion, by the end of that eight years, because we're going to add more.

The baby boomers are retiring, Medicare, Social Security for them.

If he got rid of all discretionary spending, which is everything except what we've promised in the entitlements and defense, we're talking about everything else, education, science, transportation, tax collecting, parks, everything, that's only $10 trillion.

So he's got to get to zero by subtracting 26 from 10,

and he's going to cut taxes.

Doesn't this bother you?

Well, look.

First, we can talk about the deficit versus the debt, but the deficit itself, which is

over.

Okay, well, he's talking about the debt, but the deficit, if we look at trade, I mean, that's Donald Trump's one of his top issues.

You see, China has a $500 billion advantage against us every year.

Mexico, $50 billion.

So what you need is a negotiator, somebody who knows business.

Barack Obama and the people that he hire to negotiate these trade deals, they're not business people.

And the American public know that.

They make stupid deals.

Terrible deals.

Exactly.

But, Andy, you know, he talks about the trade deficit as if we're just giving the money away.

You know, a trade deficit means we're buying something.

An economist once said, I have a trade deficit with my barber.

I give him money.

He cuts my hair.

He never gives me money because he cuts my hair.

But

they're pros and cons to trade.

He only sells us crap right we want crap

right look bill we need crap there are pros and cons to trade we don't want to be the country that makes crap we want to make stupid apps right but there are two things

There are two things to look at that we talk about trade, right?

You've got jobs and wages.

So if you look at the Secretary of Labor, who's your previous guest, was talking about all these wonderful things when it comes to jobs in America.

But if you look at labor force participation rate, which is the only number that the government can't play around with, you can Google that.

Labor force participation rate.

Of all Americans, what percentage are working?

Right now it's 62%.

For the previous 30 years before Barack Obama, that number was 66%.

You have to go back to Jimmy Carter to see how many, to see 62%.

That's how bad it's been under Barack Obama.

And that's a reality.

But the other thing is wages.

Okay, wages, whether you're white, African-American, wages haven't moved in 15 years.

Voters are rightly angry.

He talks about like extremism.

No, they're just angry that their paycheck hasn't improved.

They see a business leader, and that's what they want.

But the business leaders are the ones who aren't paying them.

Corporations are making record progress.

Where the guy walks into the trap and works upside down, and his foot goes up in the air in the jungle.

Let's go to the Democrats now.

Let's equal time here, because they had a bad week, I thought, because they got very tested with each other.

I mean, I don't think Bernie should have said that Hillary's unqualified.

That was

not a cool thing.

But, you know, the president made a point this morning.

He said, when campaigns go on as long as campaigns go on now, people are good.

They're just driven to the breaking point, as they are.

Can you imagine doing that every goddamn day?

Go out there and you got to eat shit with farmers.

So

Hillary, you know, this started because Hillary, you know, that she's trying to win New York State, she tweeted about Bernie Sanders, and, you know, he's from Vermont, and he's not totally against having a gun.

And she said, Bernie Sanders prioritized gun manufacturers' rights over the parents of the children killed at Sandy Hook.

Really?

We got to play the dead kid card.

And what happened was Bernie was asked, should a victim of a crime committed with a gun

be able to sue the gun manufacturer?

And Bernie said no.

And he's right.

A gun is a legal product.

Even a socialist gets that.

And the guns do exactly.

The guns do exactly what they are supposed to do.

There's no lying.

It's not like the tobacco industry.

They say this product will kill lots of people very, very quickly.

And they do.

It's who lets them be released to the general public.

You know, the assault rifles are military-grade weapons, and the military doesn't let them have them on day one.

You have to go through months of training to prove that you're responsible to have that much kill power.

That's right.

Yes.

But to be fair, just to play devil's advocate a little bit, the issue, right, the NRA's gun immunity law is actually making it so that gun manufacturers don't have an incentive to just innovate around some common sense safety stuff.

Well, that's a different issue.

61 people have been accidentally shot in this country since the beginning of the year.

One toddler a week shoots somebody accidentally, a toddler.

So it is true that the gun manufacturer

that they don't actually have to do things like fingerprinting or things like that on the guns that would actually make it harder for people to accidentally shoot people.

And that's the kind of thing where I think there should be some...

No, you're right.

The NRA.

Finally, murderers have a lobbying group called the NRA.

Yes.

I called it the Assassin's Lobby Group.

Yeah, they really are.

They're merchants of death.

But there's no logic with these lawsuits.

I mean, at what point does it stop, right?

So you've got 11,000 people killed by gun homicide firearms, but over 33,000 people killed by car accidents.

So you could, in theory, say, well, I'm driving a Honda, so that gets into a wreck, so then you could sue Honda.

No, you can only sue a company if their actual product is defective.

So you can sue a gun maker if it explodes in your hand, but if the product works and it's lethal, you can't sue that.

And if someone puts a roofie in your Snapple, it's not Snapple's fault.

We can all agree.

Thank you.

Okay.

So

let me ask you this.

It was in the news today.

You just mentioned there's kind of been a shake-up in the Trump campaign, and yet he still keeps using Sarah Palin.

And just as a friend of the court, you know, I mean, I see you on TV all the time.

You seem like a nice person.

I want to help.

It's not a good move.

I mean,

she is just, first of all, she didn't help in Iowa.

He lost there.

He lost Alaska.

Okay, why does he keep using Sarah Palin?

She's like that Billy Bass toy.

You know, the novelty's worn off.

We can't remember why we thought it was fun to begin with.

And yet it keeps talking.

And

quite frankly,

it looks like it's on meth.

It really does.

Look, she's not a senior member of the campaign.

I know.

She was going to endorse somebody, and it was between Ted Cruz and Donald Trump.

And she's a national figure.

She was a vice presidential nominee.

And so, right, you take that.

She's a national figure, so is Ted Bundy.

National figure.

I know, I'm just telling you, don't put her out there anymore.

Anyway,

people are wondering.

Even Republicans are wondering, because she does look more unhinged than even she has looked in the past.

Show the, no, she looks, in recent months, she's been rhyming things.

And we put it just to

some music because it looks like she's getting into the rap game.

Show the Sarah Palin clip.

It's kind of funny.

Green and gold, till I'm dead and cold.

I'm gonna chill.

In fact, it's time to drill, baby drill.

So it turns out,

it turns out Sarah Palin has put out a rap album.

The miseducation is Sarah Palin.

Would you like to hear some of the cuts on the album?

There's Me So Hunky.

There's You Can't Spell This

Boys and My Daughter.

The Real Dim Lady.

Fear of a black planet.

No, seriously, I'm terrified of black planets.

Grammar time.

Into Elks Club.

These are Sarah Palin rap songs.

Getting quitty with it.

Straight out of wedlock.

And 99 problems, and those are just my kids' breaks.

All right.

All right.

She is a two-time Emmy and Grammy Award-winning comedian who is currently in the middle of her 80 city tour, like a boss tour.

Kathy Griffin is over here.

You're coming, sir.

I know.

Hello.

And 80 city tour.

80 cities and one.

You are the my mind.

You're the hardest working person in Chile.

You're adult.

Chris Rock asked me if I owe child support.

80 cities in one year.

I'm going to the real America like you, my friend.

Absolutely.

Politicians always call it the flyover states.

I say, I landed them.

We landed them, yes.

We landed them.

I brought you a list.

You should be impressed.

These are just some of the fun to show the range.

Sometimes I notice we play the same thing.

I leave you notes sometimes.

All right.

Queens, Brooklyn, Jacksonville, Atlanta, Thousand Oaks, California, Des Moines, Cedar Rapids, Lincoln, Nebraska, Salina, Kansas, Lawrenceburg, Indiana.

Not sure where that is.

Thackerville, Oklahoma.

They're people too.

Thackerville?

Yeah, I never played that.

You got me on the bottom.

Screw you.

It pays more than Carnegie.

I'll bet.

Horth Town, New Jersey.

The real America.

But the South.

You know what's interesting?

The Bible Belt.

I love the South.

They come to laugh.

They come to laugh.

And they're driving.

They're not.

No, what I mean is they're not.

They're not politically correct.

No, no.

And also, you know what I love?

Is people write off the South like it's all a bunch of hicks.

And in the cities, I don't know about Thackerville.

They're not hicks.

And they deserve the respect that we don't write them all off.

Correct.

And I also think,

of course.

Oh, you don't care about this.

Oh, you hippies

with your kelp and your kale.

No, I think.

I think when you're doing 80 cities, and sometimes, you know, I fly and sometimes I drive.

And, you know, when I am driving from gig to gig, and I'm in Parkersburg, West Virginia, you know, I run into real live gay people.

Right.

And yes, it's crazy out there.

And so the point is, you know, the venues you and I play, you know, Bill and I do like comedy concerts, so we don't do clubs.

I'm not, well, I'm just saying, I'm too old for that.

No, no, but what I mean is there's a difference between doing a 2,000-seat or 3,000-seat theater and a club as opposed to, let's say, a stadium.

So I just wanted to tell you, I've been experiencing something recently that honestly is recent, which is after decades of touring, I love doing it.

Last week, I had four shows, Four Nights in the Road in Florida, and every night there was a disturbance, and every night it was Trump-related.

And you know, I have a chunk about Trump.

Trump-related.

Yeah, and of course, I have these Trump stories because I say this with shame.

I've known him for a long time.

And

so, I have

run into him like a million times.

Like, there was like a Larry King roast one time.

My good friend Joan Rivers was.

He's very nice in person, isn't he?

Yeah, but I mean, he's kind of a douchebag.

I mean, I will say.

Andy, I will say.

I did not expect this to happen tonight.

I did.

Oh, Andy, Andy, they didn't teach you that over at Pinecrest.

This guy's a total prep school and also went to Harvard.

Let me say this.

I would argue, I would argue that a majority of supporters could never afford to play a round of golf at his clubs.

And I think that it's fascinating that his supporters, in the Joe the Plumber vein, they really think that they identify with Donald Trump and they are never going to have that life.

So it's fascinating to me that the Trump supporters like the blue collar guy who thinks they're going to get a jet in Melania and it's probably not going to happen.

But what I wanted to say was last weekend I was doing some really lovely theaters and you know, I'm used to doing shows and maybe a version of a heckle is, hey girl,

I love the LGBTs.

Or someone will say, you know, tell the share story.

But last weekend on tour, every show, there was a disturbance and someone wouldn't stop yelling, make America great Again, because I was telling a Trump joke, and it's pretty der regue for comics to tell Trump jokes.

And then another guy had to be taken out because I was making a joke about Hillary, and you can't make a joke about anybody anymore.

And then someone just wouldn't stop shouting Benghazi, like I might have been my mom.

But

what I'm saying is, that is something honestly that is different.

You're not even primarily political.

No, what I'm saying is, that's what I'm saying.

There's just so much hate out.

But how can you not make fun of any political candidate in this political landscape?

It's so rife and perfect for comedy but don't be like coming to a nice theater experience or a Broadway show you know it's not a route it's not going to happen in Thackerville

where the daiquiri bar is in the back and they just leave that's fine but but you also have had like the LAPD happen to come yes because like you got the demi levato people messing yes I did I didn't even understand this well because you're not a Levatic now look um

there's a singer I know you're more of a believer and a directioner but but

I know you, Bill.

I know this man.

But yeah, so this is also a little convergence of the social media world, possibly with the Trump train, but I feel that I'm out there, like I said, 80 cities a year, and I'm feeling it.

And you're up right with the people when you just stand up and you kind of take their temperature, and it's a true relationship.

But my experience with the singer, Demi Lovato, is I was making jokes about her, like I do about all the pop stars and stuff.

And then she personally hopped on Twitter with her 30 million global fans.

They're called Lovatics.

And then they came at me and they started making death threats to the point where the LAPD came over and we had to get a system in place.

And it just goes on and on and on.

So I'm sort of making a link between, by the way, Demi herself then hopped on and sort of joined in the fun, which I will allege sort of, you know, inflamed her fan base.

Andy.

And my point is.

Why is he responsible for that?

Because I'm making a link between like the Trump fanatics.

You know what?

I'm going to defend Andy.

Andy is.

Who are you?

Andy has put up with enough tonight.

I want to say something because people, on this vein, people are too sensitive.

And while we were off last week, there was a big story about Corey, what's his name?

Lilly Dowski.

Okay, the campaign manager.

Yeah, Trump's campaign manager.

Because he yanked or polled, show the video that was all over the news for like days and days.

Look at this.

Oh my God, it's like the Zapruder film.

If

nothing had happened,

but everybody on the left had to say, and this is what I hate when liberals do, when they mimic the stupidity of the right.

They had to get on team.

He almost killed her.

And this woman said, and she was talking about the whole event, not just this.

She said, this has to be, aside from my father's death, the worst experience I've gone through.

And I thought, what a charmed, lucky, clueless white girl life

you have lived.

Right.

Yeah.

If that's the worst thing that happened to you.

And do we have to politicize everything?

But it's only

the history of politics that a campaign manager has been arrested for assault.

But he shouldn't have been.

That's not assault.

He actually wasn't arrested for a moment.

If I pick his hair off your sweater, is that assault?

There's a statement to appear.

There's no mustache.

But he shouldn't have been.

That's the point.

He shouldn't have been.

Right.

I don't think we can say that.

It was technically battery, which is an unwanted problem.

No, no.

This is the problem with the left.

And this is why the left cannot stop Trump.

Stop trying to shame the shameless and expose the exhibitionist.

Hold on.

Hold on.

This is their fuel.

Let's look at that tape.

That tape was released by Donald Trump and the campaign.

It was from our ballroom at Trump Jupiter.

We wanted people to see this tape because after the event, she said she almost fell down.

This is also a reporter who said she was abused by the NYPD and groped by a war hero, Alan Williams.

I heard her skirt was too short.

Don't even start that.

No, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, she has a history,

she has a history like Brian Williams of inserting herself in the middle of the day.

But the time

the security guy choked out the Time magazine photographer, what about that?

But that's not this.

That was

a brief.

We just saw the tape.

If somebody did that,

that was the Secret Service that did that.

If you cut in line at a bathroom at a nightclub and somebody did that to you, would there be an assault?

This man wants to be the leader of the free world and his number two.

This is not a concert.

That's the point.

We have to hold these

higher standard than a guy at a concert.

He redirected.

Nobody can take someone's arm anymore in America.

If that's assault.

If that's assault, I think it's a very important thing.

Well, thank you.

It's a battery.

That's actually what it was.

It's a battery.

It's different.

You're all crazy.

I want to tell you

something frankly about that.

Thank you.

You're the voice of common sex.

I am, exactly.

Now let's talk about Bill Clinton.

And do we have the tape?

Did we get the tape?

Okay, he was interrupted yesterday by Black Lives Matter protester, and he, unlike some other people, didn't just say, oh, I'm sorry.

He had an answer for it, and here it is.

This is what's the matter.

I don't know how you would characterize the gang leaders who got 13-year-old kids, hopped up on crack, and sent them out onto the street to murder other African-American children.

Maybe you thought they were good citizens.

She didn't.

She didn't.

You are defending the people who kill the lives you say matter.

Tell the truth.

You are defending the people who caused young people to go out and take guns.

Okay.

Is he right?

Is he wrong?

Does he have a point?

So this was actually a pretty huge moment, I think.

And it was a huge moment.

It's going to continue to reverberate.

People are calling it the Sister Soldier moment of this campaign from Bill Clinton.

First of all, on the tactics.

Let's remind people of what Sister Soldier was.

It may not have been around in 1992.

So it was a moment when, as part of a long strategy that Bill Clinton used throughout his campaign, and it was a really pivotal moment in that campaign, where he

basically called out sort of somewhat sort of apropos of nothing,

a hip-hop artist, a rapper, and basically to a white audience just saying, like, we don't have to put up with this anymore, this kind of inflammatory language and all of that.

And white people loved it.

And loved it.

And it was.

It's like, pull your pants up.

Exactly.

It's when they love Bill Cosby, pull your pants up.

And then ironically, his pants, you know, all right, let's not even.

Never like Bill Cosby.

Absolutely.

I was right about him from the beginning.

So,

first of all, on the tactic, there is a long and proud tradition of direct action in this country.

And I think it's actually extremely, extremely important for people who are very powerful.

Bill Clinton is one of the most powerful men.

on the globe and he always has the mic to have to be interrupted sometimes.

And I know it's uncomfortable, but so is living in poverty and living in a mass incarceration state.

And I think it's absolutely great that Black Lives Matter has allowed young people to stand up and be heard at a time when we have our vote maybe and our voice.

And those are the only two things we have in this democracy.

And I think it's a wonderful time.

Let me bring up another issue this week.

Wisconsin, long voting lines.

I think that long lines in the new poll tax.

Yep.

You know, it's amazing.

We saw it in the Arizona primary a couple of weeks earlier, Maricopa County.

The secretary was mentioning Sarah Joe Arpaio.

They cut the number of voting booths by 70%.

Republicans cheat.

Sorry, Andy.

But they can't get the votes anymore.

So what they do is fucking cheat.

And this is cheating.

You can't get people to vote for you.

So you purge.

I mean, they made a big thing about Chris Christie.

Remember with the closing the bridge and the traffic jam?

This is a much more important traffic jam that the media should be focusing on.

This is a Republican-organized, purposeful traffic jam.

If you look at a map of the country, if you look at a map of what states have strict voter ID laws, it's all the Jim Crow states.

With a few exceptions, it is Jim Crow.

And it's important.

Black lives matter, but so do black votes.

And that's why they're trying to roll them back.

Yeah.

Yes, I mean...

For folks who don't remember, the Supreme Court gutted the Voting Rights Act in 2010.

And they said, well, we don't need the Voting Rights Act anymore because racism is over.

It's an urban myth.

And it really, and I wish they would just admit that they were wrong about that because the second they did that, states did this kind of shit.

And they're stopping people from voting.

This is the real voter fraud situation.

The facts disagree with that.

So if you look at the primary season over the past.

Hold on, relax, liberal audience.

Yeah, right.

Let him speak.

Let him relax.

Okay.

Let him get his bullshit out before you pull him.

Okay.

So let's look at look at the last four months.

Okay.

Republicans and Democrats, when they vote in a primary, they go to the exact same locations to vote.

I think we can all agree upon that.

Republicans and Democrats vote at the same place.

Over the past four months,

hold on, hold on.

Hold on, hold on.

Okay.

No, one second.

Can I finish a point?

Can I finish a point?

Just let me finish a point.

Over the past four months, Republican voter turnout in this primary season is up over 60%.

Okay, Democratic voter turnout over the last contested election is down double digits.

So it's not long lines as to why Democrats aren't coming out and vote.

They just, they're not inspired by Hillary Clinton 40.

They don't have a vote for them.

It's fun to vote for.

Trump is voting for the voting for the governator when Gray Davis got railroaded and then we have the governator for eight years who bankrupted us and made the drought worse.

So I know why crazies go vote for the business.

You said the word drought?

Yeah, I said the word drought because climate change is real.

Okay, Andy?

So you're blaming Trump for the drought?

I'm

associating the idea, which is that the voter turnout is so high because you've got a guy who can get 10,000 people in an arena because he knows television because you've got to get more television time than anybody and because there are candidates that aren't as shiny as...

And he's willing to be interviewed.

But

let's get back to voting.

Because it seems like America has a third world voting system.

That's what it looks like.

And the dumbass media shows these pictures of the long lines.

And they're like, oh, the bosom swells with pride.

No, no, you asshole.

It's not a good thing that there are long lines.

And it's not just the long lines, Andy.

It's actually the fact that dozens of states have tried, under Republican rule, have tried to stop people from voting.

They've tried to have politicians choose the voters and not the other way around.

In Wisconsin, there is now a strict voter ID law, which Scott Walker put in place.

It's very clearly a voter suppression tactic.

You had a Republican from Wisconsin saying, don't worry, Hillary's not going to win

in the fall.

because we have voter ID now.

You have a 67-year-old guy who goes to the DMV in Wisconsin, who brings his property tax statement, his birth certificate.

How many of you actually have your birth certificate, right?

His birth certificate, his Medicaid card, his Medicare card, and his utility bill, and still can't get the ID he needs.

This is like red tape, which Republicans are supposed to be totally against,

around the most fundamental right that we have.

It's just ridiculous.

It's indefensible.

Your argument is that getting some form of ID is impossible.

I mean, when you go to an airport, everybody, no matter their skin color or party affiliation, when you go to the airport, you show an ID.

When I get into this parking garage, I showed an ID.

Not everybody goes to an airport.

Not everybody flies.

Some people have not been in an airplane their whole lives.

Some people in the real America.

Thank you.

And

getting an ID, getting an ID is something that

you should do.

There are tired people.

People in Thackerville, Oklahoma.

Thackerville, you probably have to fight.

They love the flies.

They never fly.

It's not even a regional airport in Thackeray.

Heather brought it up.

Okay, all right.

All right, one more issue.

You'll love this one.

Mississippi.

Take me away.

Take me to.

Take me to.

In Mississippi, they passed one of those religious freedom laws.

I know you're very

peeps.

Right.

These are your peeps.

In Mississippi, they are not now allowed to, a business can fire a transgender person.

Clerks can refuse marriage licenses to gay people.

Because of hero Kim Davis.

But they have to find somebody else to grant the license.

Okay, yeah, that's great.

And there's so many of them.

There's so many LGBT-friendly people who give licenses out.

All right, all right.

And then

adoption.

They can deny placing a child if they suspect that the couple is having premarital sex, not even gay sex.

Right.

Just doing it the usual way.

And then, of course, the greatest threat to America.

Bakeries.

Bathroom use by transgender people.

This is not just this one state, but they are determined to show that people have to use the bathroom based on the gender of their birth.

I call them bathroom birthers.

And this is a third.

Because a bearded transgender woman might go in and molest your kid, and the next thing you know, we're all going to hell in a handbasket.

First of all, haven't we all been to places that just have one bathroom anyway?

My house that I grew up in

was used by men and women.

Are your parents a mild basketball?

Shameful.

These laws are proliferating.

It's very serious, actually.

It's not just about transgender rights, which is extremely important.

It's also about contraception, right?

You had a Supreme Court case recently that...

talked about this right head-on.

Frankly, this goes back to civil rights as well, right?

Where this was a tactic in desegregation.

Okay, okay fine public schools have to be desegregated we're going to do parochial schools and i'm going to have the religious freedom to select who i want to go to and so actually this is really important and it's a fundamental question of the balance between uh people's rights and freedoms in this country and whether or not we're going to allow states to essentially say that the first amendment um doesn't really really balance

undermine the federal decision mostly doma the overturner doma is the one that state by state they want to erode okay this is where capitalism can do something good though.

We're always talking about evil corporations, but this is where we can vote with our dollars.

We can say, fine.

No corporation in Mississippi, including Toyota, which has a huge factory there.

Tell you what, Toyota, I'm going to buy a volt and get rid of my Prius if you don't pull your factory out of Mississippi.

That's it.

All right.

I have to go to the bathroom.

So I have to say goodbye to the panel.

You are terrific.

It's time for new rules, everybody.

I'm old.

I have to go to the bathroom.

Neurule, everybody must get off Taylor Swift's case for maybe getting a butt implant.

I don't know if Taylor Swift got butt implants, but it's not a bad idea to give Kanye something to grab other than her microphone.

Neurule, people who believe in a loving God must explain why he created mosquitoes and ticks, malaria, Zika virus, Lyme disease.

Say what you will about STDs, at least you get laid.

Guerrero, don't believe all the news reports this week that people are pooping on Donald Trump's star on the Hollywood Walk of Fame.

It's been debunked and it is simply not true that people are doing that, getting in their cars and driving to the site of Donald Trump's star at 6801 Hollywood Boulevard.

between Highland and North Orange and pooping on it.

You know, this really burns me because it's the very kind of shoddy reporting that could prompt people to actually start doing that.

To start pooping on Donald Trump star on the Hollywood Walk of Fame at 6801 Hollywood Boulevard.

It's just

no,

no, Andy, no.

New Rule, the Polish brewing company that is developing a beer,

developing a beer from the bacteria in this Czech supermodel's vagina,

has to find an easier way to scare Muslims into going back to Syria.

All right, New Rule, now that IMG Modeling Agency has signed signed their first plus size male model, they have to get out of New York more often because their idea of plus size is the rest of America's idea of, have you been sick lately?

And finally, new rule, and this one goes out to Republicans.

Guys, there's no shame in punting.

You can't score every time you get the ball.

Sometimes you wind up with really horrible field position, and then what do you do?

Punt!

Punt!

You're going to lose this election.

You are.

You're going to lose with either Trump or Cruz.

So just punt.

Help put Hillary Clinton in the Oval Office, and you'll have her right where you want her.

I know it sounds crazy, but the only way you can win this November is by losing.

Now,

before you you jump all over this, let's not pretend that Republicans aren't already flirting with this idea.

Christy Todd Whitman says she'll vote for Hillary over Trump.

Bill Kristol of the Weekly Standard sat right here and said he won't vote for the Republican candidate if it's Donald Trump.

The National Review did an entire issue called Against Trump.

The National Review coming out against the Republican frontrunner?

It's like high times coming out against me.

So we all know you're not happy with your choices right now, but it's getting near closing time and you're going to have to go home with one of them.

Either Ted Cruz, a man with all the appeal of Jared from Subway,

minus the inspiring weight loss story,

Or Donald Trump the zombie candidate.

But there is a third choice.

Punt!

Punt!

Give the ball to your defense.

You've got a great defense.

And by that I mean you're great at being obstructionist assholes when you're out of office.

Our current Teabagger Congress proves that you can't govern anymore.

You don't even want to.

Governing means doing things

in government,

which you hate.

I know you say you want your country back, but really, I think you're like the video gamer who finally lands a date with a real woman.

You'd have no idea what to do with her.

Does this Trump supporter, for example, really want to fix what's wrong with America?

No.

The only thing that would make him happy is going back in time to when his penis worked and

there weren't Spanish stations on the radio.

So let Hillary have the next four years.

The Republican Party is going to need that time anyway to rebuild, and I'm talking about a top-to-bottom renovation.

My God, the GOP right now, it's like one of those houses where an old lady lived with 100 cats who peed everywhere.

Yes.

Yes, that is your party today, a filthy, pea-stained house full of dead cats.

Do you really want to live there for the next four years?

Do you really want to spend four years defending every single thing that President Trump tweets in the middle of the night?

Defending every stupid thing that he does when he invades Poland

or

puts Hulk Hogan on the nickel or

retweets our nuclear codes,

it's going to be you explaining it to Wolf Blitzer.

But just think of the fun things you could be doing a year from now with Hillary Clinton in office, like forwarding pictures of her Photoshop to look like this.

Guys,

guys,

Obama is almost gone.

Soon he'll be back with his socialist tribe in Kenya.

And then who are you going to hate every day?

I'm not sure I'm ready for Hillary, but you, you've been getting ready for 25 years.

Whitewater, FileGate, Travelgate, who gives a shit gate?

Who's going to save democracy from the email she wrote in 2009?

How are we going to find the island where Bill keeps all his Russian sex slaves?

You put so much work into the email thing and ginning up Benghazi.

You're rock hard and ready to shoot.

But remember, you can't impeach her if you don't elect her.

All right, that's our show.

I'll be at the Brady in Tulsa April 23rd and the King Center in Melbourne, Florida, May 15th, and Thackerville, Oklahoma, sometime in the future.

I I want to thank Max Brooks, Heather B, Andy Dean, Kathy Griffin, and Thomas Varez.

Join us staff for overtime on YouTube.

Thank you, folks.

Catch all new episodes of Real Time with Bill Maher every Friday night at 10 or watch him anytime on HBO On Demand.

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