Bonus Bill (Originally aired 03/11/16)

Charlie Sheen is an icon of decadence.

I lit the fuse and my life turns into everything it wasn't supposed to be.

He's going the distance.

He was the highest paid TV star of all time.

When it started to change, it was quick.

He kept saying, no, no, no, I'm in the hospital now, but next week I'll be ready for the show.

Now, Charlie's sober.

He's gonna tell you the truth.

How do I present this with any class?

I think we're past that, Charlie.

We're past that, yeah.

Somebody call action.

Aka Charlie Sheen, only on Netflix, September 10th.

Now it's time for Real Time 2.0.

Your chance to listen in behind the scenes to the real-time monologue jokes America didn't hear.

Thank you very much.

Oh, thank you.

Thank you, Bill.

Oh, you're so fine.

Thank you very much.

Wow, man.

What a crowd.

I think I know why this crowd is happy, because Bernie Sanders had a huge victory Tuesday in the Michigan primary.

The biggest comeback ever.

Yeah, feel the burn.

Yes, I mean, this is the biggest comeback a Jew has made since, I think, the New Testament.

He was.

They're saying it's the biggest comeback in primary history.

Nobody predicted this.

Even Miss Cleo was like, what the hell, Mom?

No, he was behind in the polls like 37 points by some polling.

Some of them at 20 behind.

Amazing.

And you know why?

Because pollsters don't know how to reach millennials.

If only there was a way to embed poll questions in a dick pic,

they would know what they're thinking, but they don't.

And that's who loves Bernie.

And Hillary, oh, this upset their camp.

They are shitting in their pantsuits over there.

It was terrible.

But Hillary's trying desperately out to relate to the millennials.

She announced today that at the next debate, she's going to be wired on Adderall.

So I don't know if that's...

And this despite the fact that they also said Bernie was not going to do well with African Americans.

He did much better than he's done in the past.

Not great, but way better.

And they thought he was really cooked because at the debate they had in Michigan, he used the word ghetto.

Oh my God.

He's an old Jew.

He used the word ghetto.

He didn't say he had binders full of black people.

Now here's something amazing.

You know who else Bernie won big with?

Muslim voters.

There's a huge Muslim population in Dearborn, Dearborn, Michigan.

They won for Bernie Sanders.

That's America, huh?

The Muslims voting for a Jew.

Well,

they like his policies on trade.

They like his policies on health care.

And they like it that he doesn't eat bacon.

So they.

But

last night, I don't know if you saw it, Hillary and Bernie debated again, this time in Miami.

I'm getting a little sick of these.

It's like the fate of nations is in the hands of Stiller and Mirror.

Just for the

old people like Bill, not me.

I don't know who Stiller and Mirror are.

I just read the cards.

No, but they are kind of like that old couple, you know, who agree on almost everything, but they bicker for hours about tiny things each one was wrong about in the past.

If you were next to them on a cruise ship, you would douse yourself in steak sauce and jump right over.

Now, on the Republican side, people are now really, really freaking out about Donald Trump because he won big on Tuesday, won three primaries, and it looks like he's unstoppable.

I don't know if you saw this, but after his big win, what he did was he had a press conference, he had a table full of his fucking steaks that he sells behind him.

If you're keeping score, this is the second week in a row he's been bragging about his meat.

Not that,

and by the way, are mail-order steaks a good idea?

I mean, you're not home.

UPS leaves them on the porch for six hours.

You get home, there's a family of bears fighting over them.

I mean...

And the slogan for the steaks was terrible.

Steak as pink and marbled with fat as the man himself.

Who is going to buy a steak like that?

And the Trump wine that he was selling?

I mean, this is the guy who wants to deport every single Mexican in America.

Who do you think is picking those grapes for his wine?

Summer interns from the Wharton School of Business?

So now the Republican establishment is lining up behind Ted Cruz, it looks like, the only other alternative.

This is a great choice, right?

You can either have Trump, the man who gives us whatever horrible idea pops into his head at the moment, or Ted Cruz, who gives us all the horrible ideas he's been planning since high school.

Yeah, isn't it amazing?

Ted Cruz is going to stop Donald Trump.

Did anybody see the Vice episode where they are now treating cancer by injecting AIDS into it?

It's kind of like that.

Catch all new episodes of Real Time with Bill Maher every Friday night at 10 or watch him anytime on HBO On Demand.

For more information, log on to HBO.com.