Bonus Bill (Originally aired 2/26/16)

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Now it's time for Real Time 2.0.

Your chance to listen in behind the scenes to the real-time monologue jokes America didn't hear.

Thank you very much.

Okay, sit down, please.

What a crowd.

What a crowd, huh?

Beautiful crowd.

This is a great crowd, I will tell you that.

I'm adopting Trump's catchphrase there.

Anyway, they're in a good mood?

Of course they are.

It's the middle of a fucking workday, and they're here

doing this.

But you're probably happy because it's Oscar weekend, right?

Finally, a little recognition for for white millionaires.

Yes,

one question on everybody's lips this weekend with the Oscars.

What the hell is a revenant?

What is a revenant?

I'm not even sure myself.

Yes, some interesting movies that are up for big awards.

The Martian, did you see that one?

The Martian?

Yeah, yeah.

About the government solving an almost impossible problem.

Republicans say it should be in the category of foreign film.

And, oh, that's okay.

What about Brooklyn?

You see that movie about an immigrant who comes to...

Immigrant who comes to America and builds a life for herself, or as the Republicans call it, a horror film.

It's

different than Oscars for the Republicans.

But hey, we were off last week.

We take one week off, and Donald Trump goes from unthinkable to inevitable.

People are saying it's inevitable now that he's going to be

Donald Trump is a little like climate change.

We saw it coming.

We didn't do anything about it, and now it's too late.

But it looks like, I mean, he is running the table.

Won New Hampshire, then he won South Carolina big.

And South Carolina, get this, poll came out.

Almost one in five of Trump voters in South Carolina disagree with Lincoln freeing the slaves

they think that we should have kept them as slaves and called them apprentices this is

they think that

even scarier in German Mein Kampf means the art of the deal that

was that was Hitler's book right

And then

I'm going to start calling him Forrest Trump.

Yes.

Life is like a box of chocolates.

It can be used to lure idiots into a van.

And

his wife, Melania, she shares his passion for the poorly educated.

She said, as as First Lady, she would make her priority to make sure that every child in America cannot read.

It was very touchy.

Actually, Melania came out in the public for the first time.

She was on Morning Joe.

She actually looks not, she's not a dummy.

She actually, I thought, acquitted herself very well.

And after it was over, Trump was very proud.

He tweeted, I only mail-order the best.

I think it'd be interesting to have a first lady who was a former Slovenian bikini model.

Conservatives hated Michelle Obama's dietary advice to school kids.

Remember that?

Where did they get a load of this one?

She'd be like, kids, eat light and throw up during recess.

I'm kidding, Donald.

He's already sued me.

What the fuck could he do with drones?

But no, if Trump is a nominee, get this.

He will be, by the polls, what they say, the most disliked nominee in political history in America.

And guess what?

Hillary would be the second most disliked.

That's true.

Bernie Sanders is the only candidate in either party who more Americans like than dislike.

Naturally, he's the unelectable one.

That's our system.

So,

okay, so then Nevada, Trump went to Nevada, won by 20 points over Rubio and Cruz, and 40 over Dr.

Ben Carson.

And in Rubio's home state of Florida, Trump was leading him by 16 points, although, good news for Rubio, he was today named prom king.

So he's got that.

But isn't it amazing that it's up to either Cruz, Ted Cruz, or Marco Rubio to be the ones to stop Donald Trump.

The fate of the nation rests with two Cuban mole lawyers who are one mustache short of

an ad on the back of a bus.

But the problem is

Cruz and Rubio are fighting each other all the time.

Cruz fired his spokesman for tweeting that Marco Rubio saw a kid reading the Bible and said, not many answers in there.

I want to meet the Republican voter who was so stupid that they believed that one of the Republican candidates would go out of his way to insult the Bible.

I've heard of low-information voters.

This is a low-oxygen voter.

I want to see their ID.

Sir, that's a comb.

Check your other pocket, sir.

Now, of course, very sad news: Jeb Bush, gone from the race, dropped out, as you know.

Oh, come on.

Jeb said he gave it the old college try.

And of course, by college try, he meant he blew tons of money with nothing to show for it.

All right, thank you for coming.

We're going to do a little comedy, bro.

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