Bonus Bill (Originally aired 1/29/16)

Charlie Sheen is an icon of decadence.

I lit the fuse and my life turns into everything it wasn't supposed to be.

He's going the distance.

He was the highest paid TV star of all time.

When it started to change, it was quick.

He kept saying, No, no, no, I'm in the hospital now, but next week I'll be ready for the show.

Now, Charlie's sober.

He's gonna tell you the truth.

How do I present this with any class?

I think we're past that, Charlie.

We're past that, yeah.

Somebody call action.

Yeah, aka Charlie Sheen, only on Netflix, September 10th.

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Now it's time for Real Time 2.0, your chance to listen in behind the scenes to the real-time monologue jokes America didn't hear.

How are you?

That's another hair.

Other hands in with a big one.

Thank you very much, ladies and gentlemen.

Oh, my God.

What a crowd.

Boy, are they happy today.

Of course, it's the middle of the day.

You're not working.

Who wouldn't be?

And you're being entertained for free.

Well, we'll see about the entertaining.

Let's not count our chickens, but there is a lot of exciting political news.

And of course, who's leading it?

Donald Trump.

Donald Trump not going to the Republican debate tonight.

He somehow found something to boycott even whiter than the Oscars.

Isn't that amazing?

But you know why Trump is boycotting?

Because the debate is on Fox, and the moderator is Megan Kelly.

And at the first debate a few months ago, she asked Trump a tough question, and that made him sad.

So he took his ball and he went home

and then launched into his usual tirade about how Obama is a weakling.

Obama's the weakling.

I gotta say, Trump is the perfect standard-bearer for the modern Republican male, full of rage, fact-free, and terrified of women.

But

they told Donald Trump, at least

you should have respect for the voters to do what Ben Carson does

if you don't want to be here.

Drink a whole bottle of Nyquil and just sleep through it.

But you know,

without Trump at the debate, how are we, the audience, going to know who's ugly, who's a loser, who's getting their period, who's low energy,

and whether China's laughing at us.

But it is pretty amazing.

Even when he doesn't do something, he sucks up all the oxygen.

Now, if we're going to come to LA and suck up that methane, boy,

worried about that shit.

And Trump, know that Trump said a few days ago, he said, these are his words: he said, I could stand in the middle of Fifth Avenue and shoot somebody, and people would still vote for me.

I would still get the Republican base to like me.

He might be right.

And if he shot a black guy, he'd be definitely right.

Hey, Bill O'Reilly.

Bill O'Reilly said today that Trump should go to the debate because he said, quote, Jesus would turn the other cheek, as if Trump gives a shit what Jesus would do.

The only Jesus Trump cares about is the one we need to build a wall around in Mexico.

But Trump does have a lot of enemies.

Listen to this.

I didn't even know this.

Ann Frank.

Yes, I just said Ann Frank.

Ann Frank is in the news.

She had a stepsister who is now 86 years old, and she said Trump is, quote, acting like another Hitler.

And Trump tweeted, Anne Frank was boring and her diary.

Sales of her diary are very bad.

Isn't that something?

Anne Frank's sister does not like Donald Trump.

She also said, quote, we haven't learned anything.

Well, we did learn that attics are not a good hiding place.

That's...

Too soon?

Okay.

But I don't even understand really how these debates work, because you know they have the main debate, and then before that, they have the kids' table debate.

They call it the undercard.

Okay, tonight it's going to be at the kids' table, Carly Fiorina, Santorum Huckabee, and James Gilmore

James had anybody ever heard this guy there's James Gilmore I thought he was the 18th president of the United States

James Gilmore former governor of New Jersey of Virginia and

you know this guy talk about off the radar most campaigns they do fundraising events This guy's on the beach every morning with the metal detector.

What the?

And

I don't understand the debate rules.

Rand Paul was not invited to the main debate last time.

He got demoted, but now he got moved back because apparently the judges loved the wedding dress.

He met out of garbage bags.

I don't get how this...

But I'll tell you something.

I've watched all the debates.

I'm not going to watch it because I've seen it before.

You want me to tell you, you want me to predict exactly what you're going to see tonight?

Okay.

They're all going to get up there and say the world is full of scary people who aren't white.

Everyone is beating us because our president's an appeaser, so pee your pants, buy more guns, and give the Pentagon everything they want in Jesus' name, the end.

There, now you don't have to watch.

All right, thank you very much.

Okay.

Catch all new episodes of Real Time with Bill Maher every Friday night at 10, or watch him anytime on HBO on demand.

For more information, log on to HBO.com.