Bonus Bill (Originally aired 1/22/16)

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Now it's time for Real Time 2.0.

Your chance to listen in behind the scenes to the real-time monologue jokes America didn't hear.

I'm getting that He's Still Alive applause.

All right, you know the big story this week, Palin, right?

Sarah Palin has endorsed Donald Trump.

Yeah, this is a shot to Ted Cruz.

You know, this is, there it is, because they're fighting it out there in Iowa.

Take that, Ted Cruz, Donald Trump said.

I don't have New York values.

I have no values.

And yeah, Sarah Palin, when I'm the stump of Donald Trump yesterday, said he is the best candidate to address the problems that America has.

Especially our biggest problem that the Oscars are not white enough.

You know when people say we complete each other's sentences, no one has ever said that about Sarah Palin because no one could ever complete it.

She cannot complete her own sentences.

She started talking about the Middle East and who better.

And she said

there have been squirmishes

going on over there for centuries.

Squirmishes.

This is getting.

This is getting squary, ladies and gentlemen.

And Trump had to stand there behind her, and you could tell he was not happy.

Afterwards, he said, I didn't know the speech was going to be quite that long

or in a foreign language.

I mean,

but anyway, it looks like the Palin thing is working for Trump.

He's pulling ahead of Cruz in Iowa, and Cruz had a very bad week.

The governor came out against him, and then this group, this Christian group, and you know it's all evangelicals voting there, called

America United for Values,

they put out an attack ad against Ted Cruz on Christian Radio, saying he was soft on gay sex.

And if you can

if you could picture Ted Cruz having gay sex, you'd be soft too.

Come on.

And then

our friend Pope Francis came out with an interesting declaration yesterday.

He said that foot washing thing that the priests do on Holy Thursday, I don't know what it is, but whatever they're into,

where they wash people's feet

will now include women.

So, you know.

Still no female priests, though, because that would be weird.

Foot washing.

In other religion news, the Grand Mufti in Saudi Arabia has said chess is now forbidden.

He called it a waste of time, as opposed to stopping everything you do five times a day to kneel on a rug.

And

a British court has ruled that Vladimir Putin probably did order the assassination of an ex-KGB agent in London with radioactive tea because this ex-KGB agent was accusing Putin of being a pedophile.

I think that so beats Hillary having two email servers.

All right, thank you very much.

Catch all new episodes of Real Time with Bill Maher every Friday night at 10 or watch him anytime on HBO On Demand.

For more information, log on to HBO.com.