Bonus Bill (Originally aired 11/20/15)

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Now it's time for Real Time 2.0.

Your chance to listen in behind the scenes to the real-time monologue jokes America didn't hear.

Good afternoon.

Afternoon.

Thank you, folks.

Thank you.

How are you?

Thank you very much.

Thank you.

Oh, okay.

Wow.

Boy, how about that crowd?

It's our last show of the season, but I guess the world will be on edge for the next month or year or forever.

I don't know.

I mean, I got to say, Paris,

fucking love Paris, man.

Defiant.

Have you seen what they're doing?

Well, you saw this.

They got the mastermind of the Paris attack.

A very bloody raid they have there.

They got Abdul Hamid Aboud.

And by the way, the media has to stop calling him the mastermind.

What?

Hey, next Friday, let's go shoot some people.

This is not masterminding.

In the world of terror, if you're smart enough to get everyone to agree to a date and a time, you're a mastermind.

And they released a video right before they found the guy dead threatening New York.

So yeah, there was footage of Times Square with the guy with the suicide belt, and all New Yorkers reacted the same way.

Like, I need another reason not to go to Times Square.

But

yes, America has reacted to terrorism, as we always do, by getting stupider, shitting in our pants,

and panicking.

And the proof of that is that Donald Trump, rising in the polls.

Trump said today, we're going to have to do things that, frankly, were unthinkable a year ago, like voting for Donald Trump.

Trump,

no, you know, the refugee issue is a big thing.

The Syrian refugees, we were showing compassion.

Now the Republicans are coming up with a solution for the refugees.

They're just going to let in the Christian ones.

That's what they want to do.

Bad news for Syria, great news for 100 million Mexicans.

But wait, so we're not going to let in the Muslims, we're just going to let in the Christians.

This is going to be a very interesting vetting process when people get to the border.

What are your feelings about gay people?

Do you want to hang them in the town square or do you just want to refuse to bake them a wedding cake?

I want to see this.

Mike Huckabee, running for president, wants to ban anyone from any country with any ISIS presence, which would include the United States of America.

So I guess we'll all be leaving.

Thanks, Native Americans.

It's all yours.

But no, we got them right where we want them.

You know what America's doing to ISIS?

We changed the name we're calling them.

Now we're calling them Dash.

Have you caught that?

Kerry, Obama, they're a Dash, yeah.

That's it, you fuckers.

We're going to call you Dash.

15 years and $2 trillion, and this is what we come up with.

We're going to call them poopy pants.

This is going to win the war on jada.

And that suicide vest makes you look fat.

That's our other big...

Yeah, Obama, President Obama's coming back from the Philippines today could be a problem.

Congress says they will not let him in to the country unless he proves he's Christian.

And of course the other news that had me upset this week, Bobby Jindal.

Bobby Jindal, governor of Louisiana, running for president, suspended his campaign.

He's

right.

Bobby Jindal, you may remember after 2012 was the Republican who said, the Republicans have to stop being the party of stupid.

And the Republicans said, I'm with stupid.

Yeah, he's.

Yeah, Bobby was polling at 0.3, not 3, 0.3%

in the polls.

His slogan was, within the margin of error.

The only time he ever drew a crowd was when he was mistaken mistaken for Aziz Ansari.

I mean, he's.

In his withdrawal speech, he said, in a million years, my parents would never have imagined me running for president.

And neither did anyone else.

I've always said, mom and dad are your best focus group.

So now Bobby returns to be governor of Louisiana, where he has a 70% disapproval rating.

He's tied with Hurricane Katrina.

Of course, it doesn't help every Mardi Groy goes up on a balcony and says to checks, pull the shirt back down.

And

how many are on the female Viagra?

I bet none, exactly.

This is amazing.

Remember when this came out a couple of months ago?

It was a big store.

They got female Viagra now.

Nobody bought it.

Doctors have written a total of 227 prescriptions for the entire country.

Women apparently found a sexual stimulant that was cheaper and easier to get.

A margarita.

All right, thank you very much.

All right.

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