Bonus Bill (Originally aired 11/6/15)

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Now it's time for Real Time 2.0.

Your chance to listen in behind the scenes to the real-time monologue jokes America didn't hear.

Thank you very much.

That's my theme song.

It came in.

Now, this was a tough week for liberals.

We have liberals in the audience today.

You never know on a Thursday.

We had little off-year elections in a few places, and liberals lost them all.

Pot was on the ballot in Ohio.

That went down.

Kentucky elected a teabagger governor who wants to get rid of Obamacare.

It's true.

And in Houston, they had an ordinance

designed to prevent discrimination against gays and transgender people.

And the conservatives characterized it as allowing men to go into the ladies' room.

They would not want men to go into the ladies' room in public bathrooms in Houston, the biggest problem America faces.

Now, Americans want men to stay in the men's room because that's where the best gay sex happens.

Now, the pot bill in Ohio, I was a little conflicted about that because it would have legalized pot in Ohio, another state, that would have been great.

But the way they wrote the bill, the only people who are going to benefit from it was one conglomerate.

You'd have to buy all your pot from one big business conglomerate.

So it's like, do I love pot more

or

hate corporations more?

I'm going to have to think about this tonight, smoking some of California's finest.

But now Bernie Sanders sees an opportunity here.

He's going after the stoners.

In fact, today he said the 1% are bogarting all the wealth.

You see, he's

bogarting.

No,

the kids don't know that anymore.

Bogart.

I mean, if you.

Anyway,

so in the presidential race, Donald Trump,

yeah, not number one anymore.

Donald Trump is number two, and when I say that, I mean he's a piece of shit.

Now

the frontrunner is Dr.

Ben Carson.

The Republicans are mostly, you know, are dominated by the evangelicals, and the evangelicals love Dr.

Ben because it's a redemption story.

You know, they love those kind of stories.

Like, remember Bush, he was a drinker, and then he met God, and then he stopped drinking.

In Dr.

Ben's case, he was a violent teenager, or so he says, always like punching people and stabbing people until he found God.

Did he really find God, or did someone finally just beat the shit out of him?

Probably why he was so violent.

But you know, and also he may be a liar.

CNN interviewed a whole bunch of people Dr.

Ben grew up with and said he was never violent.

He was a little quiet nerdy kid.

He wasn't Tupac.

He was Urkel.

But Dr.

Ben, I love Dr.

Ben because as a comedian, he is always saying incredibly crazy, stupid shit.

And

his latest one, he's talking about now the pyramids.

The pyramids, which every archaeologist in the world agrees, are tombs for the Pharaohs.

No, Dr.

Ben says that's not what they are.

They were there because Joseph from Genesis, you know that Joseph,

he was storing grain in them.

That's Dr.

Benn's theory about the pyramids.

Trump's theory is he built them.

So, you know, the Republican Party has declared war already on evolution, climate science, reproductive biology.

Why not on archaeology?

It's just another arm of the axis of knowing shit, and we will not tolerate that.

No wonder Dr.

Ben wants to change the rules about the Republican debates.

You know, they're talking about that a lot.

And Dr.

Benn is demanding five minutes.

Five minutes uninterrupted just to make a speech at the beginning of the debate and at the end of the debate as a closing statement.

He has a problem with a part of the debates where you're debating.

That's the party,

but Dr.

Ben, the back and forth, you know, with different people and the difficult questions from moderators, that is a debate.

Speaking for five minutes with no one calling you on your bullshit, that's Fox News.

Oh, yeah, speaking of Fox News, Dr.

Ben Garson loves Fox News.

You know what he said yesterday?

He said, we'd be Cuba.

America would be Cuba if there were no Fox News.

Now this is so ridiculous.

First of all, we would not be Cuba.

Cuba has universal health care.

So all the Republican candidates are very mad at the debates now because they were getting mean questions.

So they are making demands that the next debate have all these new rules like no reaction shots of the audience, no shots from behind them, no microphones left on during commercials,

approval of on-air graphics, and they want the questions in the form of an answer like On Jeopardy.

Oh, and this one I love.

It has to be 67 degrees or lower.

Any warmer, and it melts Carly Fiorina's frozen smile.

And Chris Christie said, he sees no reason why, if they get an answer right, they shouldn't get a treat.

Thank you very much.

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