Bonus Bill (Originally aired 10/30/15)

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Now it's time for Real Time 2.0.

Your chance to listen in behind the scenes to the real-time monologue jokes America didn't hear.

Thank you, ladies and gentlemen.

You can sit down.

Oh, how's the crowd, Bill?

They sound hot.

I know why, because it's Halloween this week.

Are you in the mood already?

Do you have the Halloween fever?

What I get out of this Republican debate is apparently America is a flaming bag of dog crap

on the world's doorstep, and the Republicans, by God, are going to stamp it out.

There's some things all the candidates up there agreed upon.

The media is bad.

Democrats are bad.

Government's bad.

Regulations are bad.

Taxes are bad.

And Obama stops needing to be so negative.

He needs to stop being so negative.

Whatever.

Joke in there somewhere.

Speaking of Dr.

Ben Carson, now the leader of the Republican field, the head of Donald Trump.

How about that?

Now you can tell Dr.

Ben Carson's a leader because they had a debate last night.

He was the only guy all the other Republicans were nice to.

It's true.

Although there was one awkward moment where Ted Cruz asked to touch his hair, which was just

wrong.

I know.

But the big winner, they said, was Marco Rubio.

They're like, finally, a candidate who can beat Hillary.

And the Teabaggers are like, finally, a candidate we can beat off over.

Now, there were a couple of big losers from last night.

The first big loser,

Jeb Bush.

Jeb Bush.

I don't want to say that he's inert,

but his biggest line of the night was, quick impression, my brother on 9-11.

Slowly going around the room.

And the other big losers, of course, were the CNBC moderators who host everybody hates them.

I never thought I'd be saying to myself, please shut up and let Donald Trump speak.

I went from thinking, do we need 15 candidates to, do we need CNBC?

I mean, some of these questions were just rude and over the line.

And I'm the guy who said Trump's mom slept with an orangutan.

And I say over the line.

But no, they ask questions that, you know, you'd be embarrassed to hear on the newlywed game.

The very first question, maybe the stupidest question I've ever heard asked in a debate, what's your biggest weakness?

Oh, CNBC moderators, now you know why you're stuck on a news channel that people only watch at the airport.

But no, of course, it's just an opportunity for them to do a humble brag, and all of them did.

You know, they all did some version of, from my biggest weakness, well, I guess I'm too presidential.

Jeb Bush said, I can't fake anger.

He didn't.

Or apparently any other human emotions.

I love Ted Cruz's answer.

His biggest weakness, he said, if you want a guy you grab a beer with, I'm not that guy.

If you want a guy who will drive you home, I'll get the job done.

Who did you think he's running against?

Ted Kennedy?

And by the way, Ted, if America wants a designated driver type for president, Hillary's got that in the bag.

So we have a new speaker of the House.

It is Paul Ryan.

He didn't want the job, but they assured him this is Congress.

You won't have to do any work.

And

finally, some news from overseas.

China, after 35 years, is ending its one-child policy.

You know, they made it a law you can only have one child.

Now you're allowed to have two, but no substitutions.

Catch all new episodes of Real Time with Bill Maher every Friday night at 10, or watch him anytime on HBO On Demand.

For more information, log on to HBO.com.