Bonus Bill (Originally aired 10/16/15)

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Now it's time for Real Time 2.0.

Your chance to listen in behind the scenes to the real-time monologue jokes America didn't hear.

Thank you for coming.

Somebody's over there.

I'm going to play to this guy.

These are my people.

Thank you very much.

thank you

thank you

thank you democrats thank you republicans

so you watched the democratic debate did you wait 15 million people what who knew people were so interested and we got to see for the first time all five candidates and i think the message from the democrats

The message from the Democrats was clear.

We've got losers too.

Yeah, we finally got to see the other three.

The other three who are polling at less than 1%, and they had a chance to show us why.

I think Americans learned a lot from that debate.

Like, Lincoln Schafey is not a car

and not a candidate either.

Did you see this guy?

He looked like he wandered in from a life insurance commercial.

I kept waiting for him to say, you cannot be turned down for any reason.

Pathetic.

I'm telling you, this guy was pathetic.

They asked him about his first vote, which was to get rid of Glass-Steagall, which was a bad vote.

You know, we know that now.

And his excuse was, he said, it was my first vote.

I just arrived in the Senate.

My father just died.

What?

Every other politician in the world is, on day one, I'll do this.

On day one, I'll do this.

This guy's like, you know what?

What do you want from me?

It was day one.

I was still putting my shit in the desk.

I didn't know where anything was.

They told me I would have my own bathroom, and I didn't.

But the biggest moment of the night was Bernie Sanders.

That's right.

When Bernie Sanders said to Hillary Clinton and everybody in America, we're sick and tired of hearing about your damn emails.

And it's true, Beth, most Americans don't care about Hillary's emails because they're too busy checking their own.

And Hillary, you got to give it to her.

She is a smooth debater.

She managed to call herself an outsider.

At one point, even though she had already been in politics for many years when Marco Rubia was still eating Legos,

Ted Cruz today said the debate showed that they want to restrict your freedom, take away your liberty.

He said it was an audition, that debate, for who would wear the jack boot most vigorously.

Oh, I'm worried about Ted.

Every time he talks, he sounds like he's quoting his dominatrix.

Oh,

Ted is no stranger to the ball gag, I have a feeling.

I don't know it for a fact.

And the other Republican making news today, Dr.

Ben Carson, the brilliant neurosurgeon,

is putting his campaign on hold to go out and promote his book for a couple of weeks.

The book is called How to Operate on Brains When You Don't Have One.

I tell you, Dr.

Ben,

I must say, after listening to him now for a few months in this campaign, I have less confidence in brain surgery itself.

If I have to have it, before I go under, I don't want to hear, the earth is 6,000 years old, scalpel.

All right, thank you very much.

We're going to do the new rules.

Catch all new episodes of Real Time with Bill Maher every Friday night at 10, or watch him anytime on HBO On Demand.

For more information, log on to HBO.com.