Episode #369 (Originally aired 10/30/15)

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Welcome to an HBO podcast from the HBO Late Month series, Real Time with Bill Maher.

Start the clock.

Good afternoon.

Afternoon.

Time will be.

Real time.

Thank you very much.

How are you doing?

Thank you.

Thank you very much.

Thank you very much.

You can sit down.

There you are.

Thank you very much.

Thank you.

Wow.

Oh.

Look at the energy in here.

Okay, all right, all right.

Folks,

thank you, ladies and gentlemen.

There's people waiting at home for

I know, I know.

Of course, we're all excited.

It's it's

I know, it's almost Halloween.

Isn't that why?

That's why I'm...

Oh, thank you very much.

But isn't Halloween...

Isn't Halloween an exciting time?

I have the best costume idea this year.

I got myself a handful of Xanax and

try this.

You can either take them and go as Dr.

Ben Carson

or

put them in someone's drink and go as Bill Cosby.

So you can go either way.

So let's see.

Now, speaking of Dr.

Ben Carson, some of the polls have him leading Donald Trump now, and Donald Trump does not like it.

Today he asked to see Dr.

Ben's birth certificate.

So he's.

Oh, I tell you, you, the Republicans, they love Dr.

Ben Carson, even though there's a little scandal brewing.

Did you see the debate the other night?

Well, apparently, Dr.

Ben told kind of a big whopper about how he never had a relationship with this herbal supplement company.

And then we made speeches for them.

He talked them up their products on interview shows.

He said the herbal supplements cured his prostate cancer.

But listen to this: he said he still had the prostate surgery and had it removed

to be a role model.

I'm not making that up.

Because

nothing says role model like having someone unnecessarily stick a knife in your ass.

But they love him because Ben Carson says the craziest shit.

I mean, Trump says crazy shit.

Ben Carson, much crazier than Donald Trump.

But the thing is, he says crazy shit in a voice that sounds like he is moderating a golf game.

If the Jews had pistols,

we wouldn't have had the Holocaust.

Obamacare is a lot like slavery.

I think it's worse than slavery.

Evolution was the idea of the devil.

I am the god of hell fire, and I want you all to burn.

I mean, he's just.

Now, if you didn't see the debate, let me just cut to the chase for you.

None of them got suddenly smart.

But everybody said the next day that the big winner was Marco Rubio, and oh yes, all the billionaires now are fighting each other to get a little piece of this guy.

He's like the hot new pool boy in Beverly Hill.

It's true.

And apparently, the big loser was Jeb Bush.

That's true.

He did not do well.

Ben Carson called him low energy.

So that, I mean,

that

you know you did bad when the next day all the media outlets are asking you if your campaign is on life support.

That's what they said.

Is your campaign on life support?

And Jeb said no, it's still alive and well, but that's the same thing you said about Terry Shaivo.

No, I mean,

he said it is not on life support, but it was not a good sign this morning when he woke up and Chloe Kardashian was at his bedside.

That was a very bad sign.

Very bad.

But I think

people are starting to question the narrative of Jeb Bush that we've heard all along that he was the smart Bush.

I don't think there really is such a thing as a smart Bush.

I think,

honestly,

I think if you took everything good about George W.

Bush, low body fat,

that's it, and took that away, you'd have Jeb Bush.

Now the other

The other big loser from the debate Wednesday night was CNBC.

That was the station that hosted the debate.

And, you know, it's not really all their fault.

The problem is that these are no longer really debates.

They are events for cable networks to get ratings.

So the questions have to be more and more outlandish.

And the Republican candidates started to complain about it.

They're actually pulling out of the next NBC debate because they said we should not be subjected to a barrage of stupid, nasty gotcha questions just designed to make us look bad.

What do you think these are?

The Benghazi hearings?

That's what they say.

But they.

And really, some of the questions were pretty stupid.

The first question, really, the stupidest question I've ever heard, the guy asked all the candidates on the stage, what's your biggest weakness?

You know, who's going to answer that honestly?

Wouldn't it be awesome if they did, if they had truth serum?

I put my personal ambitions before the good of the country.

I have no no real grasp of facts

and inability to assess problems and embrace plausible solutions.

But no, of course, it was just an opportunity to humble brag.

Mike Huckabee said, his biggest weakness, he lives by the rules all the time.

You know what Ben Carson said his weakness was?

He didn't see that he should be president until hundreds of thousands of people begged him to do it.

Marco Rubio said his weakness was he's too optimistic about America.

And Chris Christie said, cool whip.

All right.

We got a great show.

Maxine Waters, Grover Norquist, and Roger Stone are here.

And a little later, my friend David Spade will be coming out and joining us at the mid-show.

But first up, she is one of the first female combat veterans to ever serve in the U.S.

Congress, where she represents Hawaii's 2nd District Representative, Tulsi Gabbard.

Hey,

Congresswoman, how you doing?

What a great pleasure to meet you.

Great to see you.

Oh, look, you wore Halloween

colors.

This is the seasons.

Right.

And did you get the lay?

I did.

It was beautiful.

It made me feel very much at home.

Right.

And I was worried whether I should give it to you or someone else should give it to you, but it's not demeaning to get a lay from your native Hawaii, right?

No, it's accomplished.

The opposite.

You never know when the actual.

I was very touched.

I try to be politically correct.

Yeah, sure.

All right, so you, wow, at your young age, you are the vice chairman of the DNC, the Democratic National Committee, right?

Wow, that's pretty good.

And

let me ask you a question I know you won't answer.

Who do you fear most, Hillary, running against?

Fear?

Well, I mean,

who do you worry about?

Now, here's what I'm concerned about, Bill, is that we end up in November of next year.

And we end up with the frontrunner, Hillary, and many of the Republican candidates that we're seeing who are essentially interventionists and who are taking positions that will put us in yet another position, just as we've seen over the last decade, of getting into a regime change, nation-building mission, which is essentially what they're advocating for right now.

Hillary's kind of a hawk herself.

Absolutely.

She was a cheerleader for the Iraq War when she was in the Senate as Secretary of State.

She was one of the strongest advocates for getting rid of Gaddafi, and we see exactly the results of that in Libya today, where in both of those instances, in Iraq as well as in Libya, the end result is our enemy is stronger.

The Islamic extremists have taken over, and they are creating more of a threat to the people there as well as to the rest of the world.

It was news today that we're sending 50 troops, boots on the ground, into Syria.

Now, the President said no boots on the ground into Syria.

Obviously, this is not a lot of boots on the ground, but that's what it is.

Does that bother you?

There's something that bothers me more,

which

is a bigger issue, and this I take personally as a soldier.

If you're sending troops into harm's way, but you have not clearly identified and delineated what the mission is or who the enemy is, then we're talking about a very serious problem.

No troops should be sent into harm's way unless you have both of those things covered.

And that's the issue that I have with Syria, with what's going on there now, that the administration is essentially working hand in hand with the Islamic extremists on the ground there who are working to overthrow Assad so that they can take over and establish their Islamic caliphate.

And the president is, his policy is, you've got the CIA there essentially working towards the same goal.

So we should not overthrow Assad?

Overthrowing the Syrian government of Assad will strengthen our enemy.

It'll open the door wide open for them to come in and take over some very superior weapons.

I agree with you.

Yeah, you can just say no.

I agree.

Yeah, exactly.

Because, I mean, we got something worse when we overthrew Gaddafi.

We got something worse when we overthrew Saddam Hussein.

Egypt, we got something worse.

I mean, it just doesn't get better.

People don't seem to have that understanding that the choices are not between good and bad, they're between bad and worse.

Yeah, absolutely.

And that's what is mind-boggling to me is that this is recent past year.

We're talking about all of the examples you just laid out.

All the things are saying about Assad now, they said about Saddam Hussein and Gaddafi and all these other things.

And they were all true, because he is bad.

Absolutely.

But it could get worse.

Okay, well, you know, Zawahiri, remember him, the number two guy in al-Qaeda, kind of

Osama bin Laden is Trotsky.

About a month ago, he said that he's not, you know, he's not for ISIS.

He said, that is not a legitimate caliphate.

And that Baghdadi guy, he is not a legitimate leader of the caliphate.

We do not like him.

And then he said right after that,

but if I was in Syria right now, I would join him in fighting the Crusaders.

He's practically saying, if you morons would just get out of the way, we would happily kill each other.

Right.

I don't know why we don't listen to that.

It seems to be a problem that would solve itself.

Right.

And these groups, all of them, they go by all these different names and sometimes they change their names.

But what is at the heart of each of them is exactly that same ideology.

They're all working towards the same thing, maybe in slightly different manners.

And they're projecting it very clearly, what their goals are.

It's not like they're trying to hide it.

And I think that's where we as the United States need to do better.

And I was so glad to hear you say words matter because, you know, I'm a liberal.

I don't know, you're a Democrat.

They're sometimes afraid of the word liberal.

You're a progressive, whatever you want to call yourself.

But I'm a proud liberal.

And I think liberals have been

trying to convince liberals, some of them, that they really need to go back to school on this issue of Islam and what it means to be a liberal.

And you, I think, are on the same page.

You say you don't like it when Secretary Kerry, for example, says that we should say, oh, it comes from poverty, or I think he said it comes from thrill-seeking, Islamic extremism.

And President Obama says we shouldn't even say Islamic extremism.

We should say violent extremism, which is just crazy.

It is crazy.

They do matter.

But they do matter.

Words mean things.

And this is what we need to look at as we look at

how do we identify our enemies so that we can defeat them.

By saying that they're looking for thrill-seeking or that economic prosperity will solve the problem, give them a big house, give them a skateboard, set them on their way.

You think that's going to solve the problem?

It's not.

That's not what it's about.

Exactly.

He walked away from a huge fortune in order to go on this extremist Islamist mission.

I don't know why we can't call out this stuff for what it is.

You know, in Canada, they have a new government there.

Justin Trudeau is the leader.

He got in a bit of a controversy.

There's a citizenship guide in Canada, and it used the word barbaric.

It said, Canada's openness and generosity generosity do not extend to barbaric practices that tolerate spousal abuse, honor killings, which means, you know, if you're a woman in that

culture and you get raped, they kill you.

Female genital mutilation, forced marriage.

These are barbaric.

They are.

Why can't we use the word barbaric?

The Prime Minister of Sweden said a few months ago she called it medieval, these kind of practices.

It's not even medieval.

Medieval looks good, looks like Weimar Germany compared to this shit.

So

what do we do to get liberals back on the page?

Because they get upset if you use the wrong pronoun about a transgender person.

You know,

it's this philosophy that gets

in the way of us being able to accomplish our mission and

defeat those who are threatening us.

And it goes to the bigger issue, it goes to the problem of really not recognizing, hey, there actually are things that are right and wrong, and these honor killings and these other things, they are clearly and absolutely wrong.

They start with this premise in their head that all religions are alike, all cultures are alike, it's a religion of peace, everything is pretty much equal, don't judge, but they don't really have knowledge of it.

I mean, you've been to Iraq.

What would an American woman who was living in Iraq, which is probably typical of the Muslim world, better than some, worse than others?

How would her life change?

I'll tell you one of my own experiences.

When I was deployed on my second deployment to Kuwait, one of my jobs was to go and help train the Kuwaiti Army in counterterrorism.

I'm a military police officer in the Army National Guard.

And I'll never forget the first day I got there.

First of all, no women are allowed on their military bases, period.

So when I showed up in my uniform, my hair all tied up, the guard at the gate was kind of looking puzzled.

But as I went in and met these men who we would be training over the next several months, at least half of them would not even acknowledge my presence.

I was completely invisible to them.

And

that being kind of the opening to saying, okay, well, we're going to have to find a way to work together and get through this.

The interesting thing was, though, I focused on the work that we had.

I got in there and we did all kinds of training.

And by the end of the several months that we had, not only were they speaking and we were having conversations and we became friends but their commander a very conservative bearded Muslim man presented me with an award of appreciation for the contributions that I had made for his troops which I thought was

progress

Ending on a note of hope.

Yes.

Thank you very much.

Keep doing what you're doing.

I appreciate it, Congress Wilman.

Thank you.

Okay, Tulsa Gabbard, let's meet our panel.

Hey!

Happy Halloween!

Happy Halloween!

All right, here they are.

He is the former senior advisor to Donald Trump's campaign and best-selling author whose latest book is The Clinton's War on Women, Roger Stone.

Hey, Roger.

Been a long time.

How are you doing?

Great.

You all know this man, the president of Americans for Tax Reform.

He hates taxes.

Grover Narquist.

And she is the Democratic Congresswoman representing California's 43rd district, our friend Congresswoman Maxine Waters.

Okay, remember to follow me on Facebook, Twitter, and Instagram and send us your questions for tonight's overtime.

It's a good answer in the show on YouTube.

Now, the first question in the debate, I mentioned it in the monologue: what is your greatest weakness?

Let's ask the panel that.

Roger.

Too much testosterone gets me in trouble constantly.

See, another humble brag.

My large penis makes other men sad.

I almost said that.

Rover.

Sirius, I should do better at remembering names.

I'm in politics.

It's a weakness.

That's your worst weakness?

It's not the worst thing about you, right?

The one I could come up with quickly.

I see.

Maxine, what's your worst?

Time management.

I just, you know, extend myself.

I don't, you know, calculate how long it's going to take to do something, and I'm always rushing.

Okay.

Well, I'm too nice to my guests.

That's more true.

But

if we were to ask...

Now, I meant, you know, it was just an opportunity for the candidates to humble break.

But if you really ask them what their weakness was, let's go through a couple of them.

Like,

some of them are obvious.

Like Ted Cruz, everybody hates him.

Yeah.

Right?

Yeah.

Everybody hates, I read that everywhere.

Everybody hates Ted Cruz.

That's his weakness.

Trump, the only guy who was honest, he said, I don't forgive.

I love Trump for that.

It's like, I don't forgive.

You fuck with me.

I'm Vital Corleone.

I will follow you back to Italy.

I will find you in your old age, and I will stick a knife in your stomach.

But, okay, so what about somebody like Dr.

Ben Carson?

What do you think his greatest weakness is?

I don't know.

I think his greatest weakness is he probably doesn't know who he is.

He's certifiable.

He's certifiably insane.

I think he's still finding himself.

That's unnecessary prostates for truth.

That is just the most bizarre thing I've ever heard.

Very bizarre.

And I think, you know, as time goes by, we're going to discover who he really is.

Oh, yeah.

Yeah.

Oh, yeah.

And we are.

I mean, that's the great thing about a long campaign.

That's right.

Right.

Okay.

What about Marco Rubio?

Look, look, the challenge for the senators, the challenge for the senators is that they've never actually been governors or run something in the executive branch.

that's going to be a challenge for anybody who wasn't a governor.

If they get to the White House, the challenge for Ben, Carson, and Trump is that they haven't also run nationally or run political campaigns before.

And you can get in trouble.

You can make mistakes.

Boring.

Sorry.

I told you I was too nice to my guests.

All right, what about

Jeb Bush's answer?

I loved it, was I can't fake anger or apparently any other human emotion.

Jeb Bush's Bush's biggest problem is his last name because let's face it we need another Bush like we need another Clinton.

No, he's a wimp.

Yeah, well

that's a facile and unfair analogy.

No, come on, his campaign slogan, father, father, tell him it's my turn to be king.

Give me a break.

Well, yes,

I would agree with this.

To overcome, you're right, people don't want a dynasty in general, and the fact that his brother was the worst president ever.

He would

to overcome

to overcome all that, he would have had to be great.

And he's not close to great.

He's just this boring apparatchik, like so many other before him.

No, that's not his problem.

He's a wimp.

He doesn't know how to fight.

Yes, that's right.

That is so true.

I mean, Marco Rubio slapped the white off that method.

And all this time we thought W was the dumb brother.

Right, no.

One second.

I think if he had a different last name, he'd be one of the front-running competitors.

If you look at his governor.

Oh, yeah, look at his governorship for eight years.

He pushed school choice.

He was strong economic growth.

He was a good governor.

His challenge is we're a country, and Hillary's too,

but we're a country that was born out of a revolution against the idea of dynasties.

Henry VIII, George III, George III.

It's a dynasty if people vote for the person.

It's not a dynasty.

That's simple and easy.

No, look, we went through this with the Kennedy clans and the Rockefellers and the dingle-dingle dingle.

There's too much of this stuff for people who Bush's cronyism was way worse than nepotism or dynasty.

And privilege.

And privilege.

And privilege.

Right.

When daddy was vice president, he gets a personal $4 million taxpayer-finance bailout.

If I was in that situation, believe me, the government would not be billing me out because my last name was not Bush and Daddy was not V.

And if they have to pick between a Floridian, I mean, Marco Rubio, let's put a fresh face on the same old tired bullshit.

But also,

there was an article in the paper about that where Bush Sr.

You know, said, I'm getting old at just the right time because I don't understand Republican politics anymore.

It's gotten so dirty.

Could we stop this nonsense?

The Bush family practically invented dirty politics in the modern era.

Lee Atwater, I'm sure you remember all these people.

I'm close and personal, Roger.

Lee Atwater, are you kidding?

And then Karl Rove, John McCain's black baby, all that bullshit.

Yeah, whenever they get in trouble, they get dirty.

At least Trump insults you to your face.

He doesn't have people

do it, you know, and say, oh, I'm above politics, and then your hatchet man does it.

I think if you go back through American history at Lyndon Baines Johnson's campaign and throughout history, there's a great deal of that.

Look, they're playing for real stakes.

People are going to have sharp elbows, and they do.

And you can't whine about the fact that it's a rough business there.

It's a lot nicer than the way other countries

find their way to power.

What about whining about the media?

Now, I heard all day today that the liberal media first

that debate was on CNBC.

CNBC is not the liberal media.

CNBC is the channel for wannabe masters of the universe who spend all day in their corner offices jerking off over to capitalism.

Actually, I think it's the channel for nobody because there's nobody watching.

Yeah, but let me tell you you where I think the media made its first mistake.

When Donald Trump said to CNN

that

if they had a debate that was longer than two hours, he wasn't going to show up.

Right.

And CNN gave in to that, and they never should have.

They should have said, we're going to have this debate.

If you don't want to come, don't come.

Donald Trump loves this free media that he's getting.

And he would be there.

But what they did was they got intimidated by him, and that's a mistake.

You've put your finger on it.

This is the real story of the week.

That's right.

There is so much money sloshing around in politics.

We know that the politicians get corrupted by it.

You take Sheldon Adelson's money, and you have to listen to his issues, which are let's break the casino unions and bomb Iran.

Like, that's what America is really

groveling for.

Let's bomb Iran and break casino unions.

No, if you take the Koch brothers' money,

we should pollute more with fossil fuels.

But now Soros in there, though, I mean, this is not a partisan problem.

There's too much money in both parties.

In fact, both parties

have become one party, the Wall Street Party, the endless war party.

That's the erosion of Civil Liberties Party, the big debt party.

It's one party.

That's the partisan party.

But that's a false equivalency because George Soros is advocating against his personal interests.

That's not the same true thing with the Koch brothers.

George Soros wants to be taxed more, not less.

He wants to be able to to manipulate currency.

But

what's really dangerous is we cannot have the media intimidated by one of these candidates or all of them in the interests of advertising.

And so I worry about that.

And I think that when they back down, and then Trump went on the air and bragged about it, but he brags about everything.

And so I think that the media is going to have to decide whether or not it wants to offer credible debates despite the fact that they will be opposed by many of these Republican candidates who say, I want you to ask me what I want you to ask me.

Right.

Ask nice questions so we don't show up.

That's right.

And that is a form of censorship.

Yes, it is.

Yes.

This is the problem.

This is part of the problem.

Big problem.

Look, you could have serious questions that

that don't get into he called you a name and she called you a name.

That kind of thing, I thought from CNBC, the reason they got yelled at instead of the previous two ones is people had higher expectations, just as you were saying, that they would talk about economics and perhaps the trade agreement that we're talking about and the sequester and all the things before the country that are the slow economic growth.

We're going at 2 percent a year, not 4 percent a year, but 2 percent a year, and that's

rather damaging to job opportunities for young people.

How do we do better?

They're not doing questions like that.

They're doing this personality studies.

But the job of a Republican candidate is to do what Reagan did, talk over the media, around them, and through them.

It's the media's job to make themselves famous and sell ads.

You can't do that anymore.

That's a very different era that you're talking about.

They're going to have to learn to do it.

No way.

Social media and Twitter.

Are you kidding, please?

Social media makes it easier to go around the network.

Actually, it does.

Yeah.

Because before there were only three networks, and if they didn't say it, it didn't happen.

Okay, but look, look, here's a good example.

This year's bogus story about Halloween, there's always one, and they printed it on CBS Online, was that drug dealers are putting ecstasy in in the candy.

Now, there's no evidence of this, and I've never known drug dealers to give away their product to children or anybody else.

But

CBS admitted that it was bullshit, but they still printed it.

Why?

Because clicks.

Because it's not about truth anymore.

It's about who gets the most clicks.

It's about driving internet traffic and getting retweets.

This is slightly less damaging than the yellow journalism at the turn of the century that gave us the Spanish-American War.

So the idea that people sell newspapers and get other people killed as part of that is not new.

We've had yellow journalism before, and we've had dynasties before.

We just have to fight against it.

But it seems like journalists at least cared before.

I don't think they care that much about what the truth is

or about anything but the horse race.

Now, you're for Donald Trump's tax plan, right?

I think it's a fine tax plan.

Okay.

That's one of seven fine tax plans.

Now, Chuck Todd, we like Chuck.

He's been on our show.

This is what he tweeted after Donald Trump's tax plan, which, by the way, gives money away on both ends.

It would blow a hole in the budget like you can't even describe.

He said this Trump tax plan probably would have been a plan Obama could have supported.

That is just shockingly ignorant.

You can see why they only want to cover the horse race.

There's only half of the story being told here.

The truth is, none of these guys are going to cut federal spending.

It's not just tax reform.

You've You've got, everybody says, oh, it's going to cause a giant deficit.

Well, the reason no other candidate will cut spending is because every piece of spending in the federal budget was put there by some special interest.

This is why I like Trump.

You can't buy him, you can't bully him.

He doesn't take campaign contributions from lobbyists.

What you see is what you get.

I can tell you, he's not coached.

He's not scripted.

He's real.

He's genuine.

And it's entertaining.

That's why he's doing so well.

So why did he fire you?

He didn't.

I quit.

Oh, you can't fire me.

I quit.

I had five witnesses.

Okay.

All right.

So, you know,

guns are always in the news, unfortunately.

And I saw a startling statistic in the Washington Post a couple of weeks ago that said toddlers, you know, people who are so small they don't even really know what a gun is, get a hold of a gun and shoot someone once a week now.

And you know what the NRA says about this?

They say the only thing that will stop a bad toddler with a gun is a good toddler with a gun.

So

they have

they have put out this book for toddlers.

It's called Everybody Shoots.

Would you like to hear it?

Because it's really quite special.

All right,

let's read Everybody Shoots.

Welcome to the world, your very first year, and you need to know it's not safe around here.

You need to be watchful.

You need to be ready in case some Mexican comes for your teddy.

What will you do when attacked by a sniper?

Just sit there and cry and fill up your diaper?

Is daddy hurting mommy?

Better go for your rod.

Why else could she be screaming?

Oh god, oh my god.

You don't want to be caught without packing some heat when big birds start some shit on Sesame Street.

Forget dressing dollies or playing with blocks.

You need to have lugers and shotguns and glocks.

There are guns for daddies and mommies and Grammys, guns to match your camouflaged jammies.

Just holding one makes you feel happy and strong, which is great when your penis is half an inch long.

So keep a gun near, and you never need fear.

Keep it close in your crib or in mommy's brassiere.

And the next time your brother steals your bathtub ducky, show him your gun and say, hey, punk, you feel lucky?

All right.

My next guest is a

longtime friend of mine who has made me laugh for more years than either one of us would want to remember.

He has made me laugh in movies, in sitcoms, on Saturday Night Live, and definitely in his stand-up.

And now he's got a book.

And what do you know?

It's good and funny, too.

It's called David Spade.

Almost interesting.

David Spade is over here.

David Spade

Wow now this

makes up for all the pain in your book there's a lot of pain in there

you had a painful life yeah but look how good it came out yeah I got my hair grease back things are starting to click

I understand you have a great Halloween costume this year.

Oh, I'm going as a pizza rat.

Isn't that good?

Right out of the headlines.

Yes, right out of the headlines.

Would you care to tell us what your weakness is?

We all shared ours.

I'm usually the fifth smartest person in the room.

So

that's a problem.

No.

Listen, no one expects miracles from me tonight.

All right, well, I have to say, when I read your memoir, I had the exact same experience.

About six months ago, Martin Short was here, and he had a memoir.

These are two people I've known for a very long time, and I thought I knew well.

And what I found out in both cases was we have an amazing, a lot of things in common that I never knew.

Like, I was also short as a kid.

It was tough being the short one, right?

Did you grow out of it?

Yeah, I did not.

Okay.

A little less than I did.

You only got laid once in high school?

Yeah.

Okay.

It was a good one.

And you got your start

in comedy doing the variety show in high school.

Yeah, it was

a talent show, yeah, yeah.

Isn't that amazing?

Ripping off old SNL sketches.

Right, I ripped off Johnny Carson.

Yeah.

It was great.

So then I got a little older and tried to get it together.

But now I'm still,

I don't know if it's old enough to look back at my life.

It's just mostly a series of crummy stories.

No, they're not crummy.

You're so modest, David.

It's almost interesting.

I know this about you.

You're actually a modern.

You're sarcastic, but you're actually a very humble one.

Well, it was going to be called My Life as a Six, but

because a girl told me once, I go, what do you think I am?

And she goes, a six?

She was guessing me.

I go, I feel like seven is more fair.

And she goes, I go, you rounding up?

She goes, it was like a six, too, so I'm sort of rounding down.

But

you get this rap when you're, if you're better looking, it helps.

Well, that's true, too.

But I remember once, Dave, you were going, I don't know who the girl's name was, but this very, very tall

blonde model.

Do you remember who?

It could have been many women with you.

Sure.

Okay.

And there was a picture of you, and you were like a foot shorter than her.

And so people were, I remember I was talking to people, and they were all making fun, and I'm going, yeah, but he's fucking her.

All you people making fun

this little

poor Max.

Sorry, Congress.

Well, my

district is safe.

I've never heard that word before.

Yeah, I know, I know.

No, but it's funny because you get, you know,

some of these good-looking guys like DiCaprio Clooney, you know, Derek Jeter, they get a pass.

You know, they're like,

with me, they're like, oh, get it together, you know, it's embarrassing, you know,

settle down already.

With them, they're like, why should they settle down?

They're rich and good looking.

Have fun.

You're a millionaire.

So, by the way, Derek Jeter, I heard he used to do something that I thought was interesting.

I don't know if it's true, of course, but after a girl would stay over, he would send her a Yankees tickets or a signed uniform.

I thought that was a little insulting.

I don't know how it was, but so now I give a girl either a Joe Dirt keychain

or an Emperor's New Groove throw pillow.

Or I say there's some Kate Spade irregular bags in the garage.

Right, that's right.

Grab one on the way out.

Yeah, that's limit one per customer.

Very sweet.

Because I think I'm nice.

I think the right.

But also, you know, I mean, we live in this age where you're allowed to do anything sexually and it's a ploy, which is great.

You know, I mean, if you're gay, if you're transgender, I mean, I'm about to be 60 years old in January.

If I came out on my 60th birthday and said, I have an announcement, ladies and gentlemen, I am a gay man.

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Do you know who Charles Blow is?

Yeah.

It's a great character name, isn't it?

I was about to say, Maxine, whisper it to me.

No,

he's actually a.

He's actually a

very good and esteemed New York Times columnist.

I believe he's bisexual

if you're not trying to.

Probably something.

You read his book.

Yeah, that's what he writes.

Anyway, so he wrote a column.

And he wrote a column about that.

And, you know, we live in this age of no labels.

It's what my body's telling me.

you know this is my truth let me read the the line he wrote because I thought I thought of you and me

but listen to this no one has the right to define or restrict the parameters of another person's attractions love or intimacy People must be allowed to be themselves, however they define themselves, and they owe the world no explanation or excuse for it.

That applies to everybody but us.

Yeah.

It's the last taboo.

You cannot be an older man with a younger woman.

Yeah, it's not cool.

Younger.

But I'm not even anti-marriage.

I'm just anti-bad marriage.

I mean, you look at it, it's crumbling all around us.

So it's hard.

I mean, listen, I could be that guy in the Kardashian Scott that goes out with a girl and he's at clubs every night and spending her money.

Like, I'm the asshole.

Look at this guy.

Right.

Married, three kids.

He's like filming dollar bills every night and Rolls-Royces.

I'm like, Jesus Christ, what am I doing wrong?

But by the way, I'm really pulling for Chloe and Lamar.

I mean, that's real.

Yeah.

Because I like if

they ever get in a fight in the future, you know, she's going to be like, did you know I stopped doing nothing for you?

All right, now, David, I...

I can't get that nothing back.

I was reading your press release.

Apparently, Bill Maher is expanding his annual New Year's Eve, New Year's Night comedy shows in Hawaii.

Yeah, I get it.

And he will be performing with him.

You, me and Jeff Ross.

It's going to be great.

Me and Jeff Ross.

It could not be more fun.

All right.

So I want to ask you also, and the panel too, about the thing that everybody was talking about this week: the guy they call Officer Slam in Columbia, South Carolina.

Remember, there was a comedy club there?

Did you ever work that club?

Giggles?

Columbia, South.

Oh, how the fuck could I remember that?

Gutbusters?

I don't know.

I worked it in 1983.

Nutbusters?

When I was 11.

Anyway,

this guy body slammed

this 16-year-old black girl in class.

I mean, she would not give up her phone, which was wrong, and then she wouldn't leave the room, which is wrong.

But he compounded it by, I think this is just horrendous to treat a child like this, a teenager.

But I also have sympathy for people in authority because I think think parents just let kids do anything nowadays.

So they never listen to authority.

And

not having any kids myself or ever being around them except on a plane, I'm basing this on movies and television.

Am I wrong that parents are just not doing the job?

It's overzealous policing and underzealous parenting.

First of all, Bill, you're assuming that all of these kids have parents and have

she was a foster child, that's true.

And some of them come from very difficult situations.

Of course.

I've had this experience working with some of these kids.

Now, I'm not excusing them, but I want to tell you, this cop could have broken her back.

Oh, horrible.

He could have broken her neck.

We're not.

She could be dead today.

We're not.

And so he overreacted.

Mr.

Slam, whatever they call him, had no right to pick up that young lady and the chair

and

throw them across the room and thank God it wasn't my child.

I will say, Bill,

I saw another video of a guy slamming the principal down.

And when I was in school, I was scared of...

maybe because of my mom, but I was scared and respectful of teachers.

And I think that's getting a little blurrier because you see them in class like, fuck you.

And it's very tough when you see kids that are 13 that are this tall beating up teachers it's back and forth you know the teachers get too tough with them but then the kids that you're actually scared of in classes that are 15 16 I'm scared of kids as young as nine

it's but it's so true when we were kids there was a an alliance between the parents and the teachers that the kids could not drive a wedge through and now the alliance is against the teachers That's why they can't teach because the little brats go home and complain and then the parents complain to the teachers.

They're not on the side of the teachers.

All that may be true, some of that may be true, but the fact of the matter is there are different ways to handle these situations.

You can dismiss the whole class, you can leave, and you can get with the principal and you can talk about what's the best way to do this.

You can pick up the phone, you can call the parents, but for the police to come into the school and pick up the kid and the parents.

We agree.

That's a bad example.

That's the part we agree on.

It's too much.

It's a 700 pound man not wrest a cell phone from a 76 pound child?

I don't think it was about the cell phone at that point.

It was about not leaving the room.

But the problem, the deeper problem we're trying to get to is that what I see is parents who just constantly negotiate with their children.

I've been in these situations with parents and it's everything is, hey, hey, what do you think?

What do do you think buddy is it time to go how about get in the fucking car

you know what i did it again i said the bad word they might be scared of being bad parents because you know all parents are judged so harshly now by other parents that I think that my mom could quietly keep us in line.

We're not hitting us or anything, but she would do what she had to do.

But I think everyone's so scared of looking bad to the other parents and you're not parenting right and all that that they want to grade the kid on a curve.

Maybe they're a little softer with them.

I mean they're definitely softer, that's for sure.

Okay, well

the head of the FBI also was talking about the police this week and he said there's a his quote was there's a chill wind blowing through American law enforcement because of what they're calling the Ferguson effect.

In other words, cops are having to wear cameras now and so they are being intimidated from doing their job.

But it seems like that's an indictment of cops not being able to do their job without following the law, without breaking the law.

We pay them to protect and serve.

And they can't get out of their cars because there are too many cameras.

Thank God for cameras.

And so let me just say that if that's the reason that they're giving, that's just not legitimate nor credible.

I mean, we pay them to protect and serve.

Runs the other way.

If he's carrying a camera, that's the one thing an honest cop knows that he's covered and protected.

Sure.

That he can't ever get accused of doing something he didn't do.

Good, that's right.

At Stromer's right about this.

My son's a cop.

He likes the cameras because if you're not an abusive cop, if you're doing your job, you're not afraid to get out of the car because it's not going to show you doing anything wrong.

It's only the bad cops who don't want to get out of the car, who don't want to be in the camera.

You know,

they always say dance like no one's watching.

Yeah.

Especially to guys like us.

But you should police like everybody's watching.

I mean, it doesn't seem like...

And they are with iPhones.

They're just everywhere.

And people just, used to be said in politics, never say anything that you wouldn't want to see on the front page of the Washington Post.

Right.

Because it might get there.

And it just tempers the language that one uses

and the approach.

But we need to live as if you were always being filmed because it may be.

You can't walk around doing stuff.

that you don't want to see on YouTube because it may be there.

Okay, one more big issue that we have to get to that happened this week.

New Speaker of the House finally.

Paul Ryan, John Boehner, made a tearful, of course, tearful

exit.

And I understand they dimmed the lights at his tanning salon.

It was...

Yeah.

And I understand you congratulated him.

I called him the night before he made his announcement.

John Bainey and I were elected at the same time.

We were in the freshman class together.

So I got to know him pretty well and behind the scenes we oftentimes could get together and talk about how to solve problems.

If you can recall we had a big problem use each other's makeup.

No, I'm kidding.

That's a natural tan that he had.

He's got a good base.

I'm surprised you're making fun of Bainey.

We're behind the scenes on the National Flood Insurance Bill.

And don't forget, I was working on XM, the XM Bank.

And so...

I do forget.

You do forget.

Yes,

I don't even know what you're doing.

Don't forget.

Come on, David Spade is there.

Well, he remembers

XM radio.

No, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no.

But anyhow, I called him and I said, look,

you came in the same time that I did.

You've had a wonderful career.

You became speaker.

And in addition to become speaker, you wanted to have the pope.

You got the pope.

So what more do you need?

It's time for you to go.

No.

But you have been very successful.

So you're the one who actually pushed him out?

No, I didn't push him out.

Hey, excuse.

Good job, Excel.

All right.

Thank you, panel.

You are magnificent, but now it is time for new rules.

All right.

New rules.

New rule, the California town that just outfitted its officers with nunchucks,

has to admit they got bored beating the snut out of people the old-fashioned way.

Nunchucks?

It's one thing to get beaten by a cop on video.

It's another when it sounds like this.

Stop resisting.

I told you to stop resisting.

I did the best I could.

Except the ninja turtle cops.

Near old Damon Perry, the New Mexico man accused of beating his friend to death because they were binge-watching the walking dead and and he suddenly thought his friend was turning into a zombie,

has to remind me never to watch porn with him.

New rule, it's okay that Walgreens has bought Rite Aid for $17 billion, resulting in a grand total of 13,000 stores and a combined workforce of nine cashiers.

Good one.

But they have to call this merger what it really is.

One-stop shopping for looters.

Also, if you go to all the time and trouble to loot, and your prize looted item is a 12-pack of cotton L,

you're not getting there early enough.

It's good to see Cotton L get some attention.

New rule, and this one goes out just to members of the Chinese.

Oh, this one goes out to just members of the Chinese Samkung Shrine.

Very small group who watches the show.

I know you're celebrating the annual purification festival there in Thailand, but someone still has to answer me this one question.

What the hell?

Also, I get it that this guy is part of the festival and this guy is part of the festival, but someone should check on this guy.

I think he may just have had an accident with a bicycle.

Neural, the person who paid $23,000 for a 103-year-old cracker that survived the Titanic

must resist the urge to eat it.

I'm just saying, the last time someone ate an old cracker, it wasn't good for either of them.

And finally, new rule: the PC police have to stop lecturing us on which Halloween costumes are inappropriate or insensitive and leave Halloween to the people it was created for.

Middle-aged gay men.

The fake outrage people get 364 days a year to be hypersensitive about everything.

There has to be one day where going too far isn't just okay, it's celebrated.

Halloween is supposed to be politically incorrect.

That's why we say trick or treat instead of placate and coddle.

Now, look, I've spent weeks working on my polka hot ass costume.

And when I knock on your door tomorrow, I don't want a sermon on bad taste, I want candy.

Now, as you can probably tell, I love Halloween.

As far as holidays go that celebrate ghosts and mythical beings, it ranks right up there with Christmas.

Don't you dare.

But lately we have taken a day of getting off on pretending to be bad and turned it into a whole season of getting off on pretending to be good.

The internet and magazines are littered with articles scolding people like the Huffington Post's list of frighteningly ignorant costumes, which includes the completely benign sexy nurse.

Now, I never got the whole sexy nurse thing because really, who's that horny when you're in the hospital?

Thanks for wiping my ass, nurse, and

while you're back there.

Oh, God.

But who is it offending?

Us Weekly recently published a list of past celebrity costume transgressions, like the time Chris Brown dressed as a Taliban,

like that's the worst thing he ever did.

The Taliban should be wearing Chris Brown costumes.

And remember when the internet lost its mind over this get up?

Now, it's not a great costume.

She looks less like crazy eyes and more like John Voehner.

But what's the big deal?

Same with all the costumes on the buzzkill shit list, like mariachi.

Mariachis themselves are wearing a costume.

Do you think most Mexicans wear sombreros and sequin suits?

No, just the ones who play that horrible music when you're trying to eat.

Another one, they hate geisha.

Oh, who is that going to offend?

The geisha who lives in the apartment upstairs?

There's 12 geishas in the whole world, and they're all in Kyoto.

They're never going to find out you dressed like them at the office party in Irvine.

And of course, you're absolutely not supposed to dress as a supermodel.

Another one that do-gooders really hate is hobo, which they think offends the homeless.

But a hobo isn't a homeless person.

He's a classic character of American folklore, a loafer who survives by doing as little as possible.

I believe the modern term for it is snowboarder.

And anyway, if I was a bum, I'd be thrilled someone wanted to dress up as me.

They have bigger problems.

When your life is begging strangers for food, every day is Halloween.

You can get outraged over any costume if you try hard enough.

Dorothy from the Wizard of Oz may seem innocent, but isn't it insensitive to people who get caught in twisters?

Or vampires.

Haven't the good people of Transylvania been stereotyped enough?

Remember, Drac Lives Matter.

And here's the point.

Banning a hobo costume doesn't make the homeless feel better.

It makes you feel better.

This is the lazy liberalism in which scolding has become a substitute for actually doing something.

And

here's the thing.

Reasonable people see self-righteous liberal busybodies trying to leech the fun out of everything and they say, fuck, I'm going going to vote Republican because I just can't stand being on the same team as these humorless jackoffs.

Speaking of whom, the costume they have been wringing their hands over since August

is the Caitlin Jenner.

What message does it send?

None.

It doesn't send any message except if this guy is transitioning, he's got a long way to go.

All right, that's our show.

I'll be at the Stevens and Ames Island November 7th at the Performing Arts Center in Providence, November 15th.

I want to thank Roger Stone, Gregor Norquist, Maxine Waters, David Spade, and Tulsi Gavern.

Join us now for overtime on YouTube.

Thank you, ladies and gentlemen.

Catch all new episodes of Real Time with Bill Maher every Friday night at 10, or watch him anytime on HBO On Demand.

For more information, log on to HBO.com.