Bonus Bill (Originally aired 10/2/15)

Charlie Sheen is an icon of decadence.

I lit the fuse and my life turns into everything it wasn't supposed to be.

He's going the distance.

He was the highest paid TV star of all time.

When it started to change, it was quick.

He kept saying, no, no, no, I'm in the hospital now, but next week I'll be ready for the show.

Now, Charlie's sober.

He's gonna tell you the truth.

How do I present this with any class?

I think we're past that, Charlie.

We're past that, yeah.

Somebody call action.

Aka Charlie Sheen, only on Netflix, September 10th.

Now it's time for Real Time 2.0.

Your chance to listen in behind the scenes to the real-time monologue jokes America didn't hear.

Oh, look at that outstanding opportunity.

Thank Thank you very much.

How are you?

Thank you.

Wow.

Yeah, Donald Trump is in big trouble today.

They found out that he sold one of his condos.

He was always bragging about apartments he sold, to a dictator.

Remember in Haiti, Papa Doc?

Yeah.

And his son, who ran the country from a baby doc.

He sold an apartment to baby doc Duvalier.

And they're very upset.

And Trump, I don't think he understands foreign affairs.

He said, what's the matter?

They don't like pediatricians?

Baby.

But he really must think he's going to be president now because I noticed the wife is starting to do interviews.

His wife, Melania, from Slovenia.

How many know where Slovenia is?

Yeah.

I'm not sure myself, but she's hot, the guy says, like that matters, sir.

But she said, no, she says she thinks Donald will be a very fine president.

She said, look, I'm from the Balkans.

I know ethnic cleansing.

If anybody can pull it off, it's Donald.

But I think I know why you're excited, because someone, someone has started a pointless military operation in the Middle East, and for once, it's not us.

How about that?

That's right.

Russia, right.

Russia is now bombing Syria.

It's a terrible, hostile, immoral thing, and it gets in the way of our bombing Syria.

No, but Russia's bombing of Syria is bad because it supports the government of Assad, and our bombing is good because it supports nobody.

We don't even know.

I mean, those poor people on the ground who are being killed by Russian bombs instead of our bombs, they don't even get to taste freedom on their way.

But no, it is really hard to figure out who the real peace-loving Syrians are and who we should be supporting.

But I'll give you a hint.

They're in Germany.

Yeah, they're not even there anymore.

Kim Davis, remember her?

Turns out that the Pope, when he was here last week, and he could have met with anybody, met with Kim Davis, the county clerk from Kentucky, who wouldn't let gay people get married.

Unbelievable.

Apparently, we're getting word from the Pope's first words to Kim Davis were, Jesus Christ, I thought I was holier than that.

Yes, Kim Davis.

Oh, to be a fly on the wall for that meeting when an adulteress on her fourth marriage and an old virgin man in a dress

got together to talk about how messed up gay people are.

But it does kind of make sense.

Jesus met with prostitutes and the Pope met with a publicity whore.

So it's

But liberals, you know, who are loving the Pope,

they're not so happy with him now.

Because a few months ago, the Pope was the one who said, who am I to judge gay people?

And now he's like, oh, that's right, I'm the fucking Pope.

Totally slipped my mind.

That's right, I'm the Pope.

But no, the Pope gave Kim Davis as a gift.

He gave her rosary beads that he had blessed and I don't think she got it.

He gave her the beads and she lifted up her shirt and went, woo!

Woo!

Those kind of beads.

Yeah.

The Pope told her to be strong and do something about your hair.

He said, the sick I can heal, but that outfit, I just can't help you.

But speaking of losing the women's vote, over at

in Congress yesterday, the Congressional Republicans, you know, they're still very upset that Planned Parenthood even exists.

So the world's worst sausage party

gave a grilling to the CEO of Planned Parenthood, Cecile Richards, treated her like a serial killer.

White guy after white guy was trying to get her to admit that abortion is wrong, procuring fetal tissue is outrageous, and the female orgasm is a myth.

Come on.

And on that subject, three more women have come forward to say that Bill Cosby sexually assaulted.

I know, and people are asking, why now?

Probably because they just came to.

And finally, here's a great story.

Are you old enough to remember the O.J.

trial?

I know the kids don't remember it, but back in the 90s, we had a great trial with O.J.

Simpson.

And that's why us people who remember that know that the name Kardashian is not new to us.

O.J.

Simpson's best friend and his lawyer was Kim Kardashian's father, Robert Kardashian.

And it turned out we found out today O.J.

Simpson planned to commit suicide before the famous Bronco chase in Kim Kardashian's bedroom.

And Robert Kardashian talked him out of it.

But it would have been the first time a black man came out of Kim's bedroom and wasn't happy.

So

Catch all new episodes of Real Time with Bill Maher every Friday night at 10, or watch him anytime on HBO On Demand.

For more information, log on to HBO.com.