Episode #365 (Originally aired 9/25/15) - Update

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Welcome to an HBO podcast from the HBO Late Month series, Real Time with Bill Maher.

Afternoon.

Tire will be

real time.

Thank you.

Sedana.

Thank you.

Thank you very much.

Great time.

Thank you so much.

What a happy group we have here today.

I know, I know, I know.

Okay.

I think I know why you're happy tonight

because the

doesn't really add anything to the whole proceeding.

No, I think I know why you're happy because the Pope came to Washington and cast John Boehner out.

John Boehner, I love announcements on a Friday.

We get to get at it first.

Yes, absolutely.

John Boehner stepping down as the Speaker of the House, and liberals cheer like that.

But you know what?

Don't be so happy.

This is the Republican Party.

It always gets worse.

We thought Bush was the worst, and then Sarah Palin came along, and then Ted Cruz and Donald Trump.

The new speaker is going to be, you know, Representative Hillbilly Quasimoto

and his platform of permitting guns and maternity wards.

And we're sending the no-shirt, no-shoe rule in Congress.

That's what you're going to get next.

But

this week, oh my God, did you watch TV this week?

All Pope, all the time.

Pope, Pope, Pope, Pope, Pope, Pope.

I get it.

The Pope is here.

He's doing poping stuff.

I mean, the last time a guy in a dress got this much attention, it was Caitlin Jenner.

It's like one direction, is there?

People lining the route of the motorcade were passing out.

And that was just from the fumes from the Volkswagens.

People get very emotional.

John Boehner didn't stop crying for three days.

Of course, he was an altar boy, very Catholic.

Boehner's a dyslexic Catholic.

He's always turning wine back into water.

But,

you know, Boehner was so happy because he's the guy.

He'd been trying to bring the Pope, you know, to America for 20 years.

And having done that, he said he had nothing left to accomplish, and that's why he quit.

I don't know.

The cynics say it's really because of pure politics.

He lost a battle with the Tea Party, who, of course, always hated John Boehner because they said he was slowly destroying Washington and they wanted him to pick up the pace.

But who knows what's in a man's heart?

You know, I mean, Boehner has always been terrible on immigrants, terrible on the environment, and the ultimate crony capitalist, so the Pope comes to town and basically shits on everything he stands for.

Maybe after hearing Francis speak, he decided

to devote his life to helping the poor and fighting climate change.

No.

He's going to be a lobbyist for Volkswagen.

I promise you, that's where his future is.

Yeah, it has nothing to do with the

Maybelline discontinued his shade of bronzer and he had to quit.

Trust me, he's going to be working for Volkswagen, who I'm sure you know this week that was the other giant story.

Faking their emissions tests.

Can you believe these bastards?

And Volkswagen today said they conducted a thorough investigation and they know who to blame?

The Jews.

Jews.

Well, I tell you, with all the corporate greed that is in the news this week, the Pope could not have picked a better time, right, to come to this country with his message, greed, bad.

And there is no concealing that the conservatives do not like this and do not like him.

The three Catholics on the Supreme Court, no-shows, at his speech before Congress.

I could read you a list of quotes from Republican politicians telling the Pope to stick his nose out of anything that they are doing.

Michael Savage, the conservative commentator, said, the Pope sounds like a false prophet from Revelations.

Revelations, fans, I couldn't agree more.

Compared him to the Antichrist.

Rush Lumbaugh said he's a Marxist.

Take a chill pill, guys.

Of course, thanks to the wonders of capitalism, chill pills are now $750 a piece.

And I tell you, this Pope,

this Pope has balls.

He does not back down.

When he arrived at the White House on Wednesday, first thing he said, a not-so-subtle dig at the Republicans.

He said, as the son of an immigrant family, I am happy to be a guest in your country, which was largely built by immigrant families.

And that was...

was.

It was kind of a mouthful, so the translator just said, fuck you, Trump.

Show, please.

And the Pope was in New York today.

What a schedule this guy keeps at the age of 78.

A lot of poping he did today.

Started with an interfaith ceremony at Ground Zero.

The Pope was there with a rabbi, an imam, a Hindu, a Buddhist, and a Sikh.

And the Pope was very gracious.

He said, we may hold different faiths, but we are brought together by the knowledge that we all believe in some form of utter nonsense.

And then he, I lived in New York for five years.

I never did all this stuff.

He went to the UN.

He gave a speech.

He drove through Central Park.

He went to a school in Harlem.

He gave mass at Madison Square Garden.

Unbelievable.

He said the Pope said the one regret he has is that he didn't go to the Statue of Liberty, because it would be nice to be able to say that at least once in his life, he spent some time inside of a woman.

Okay, we got a great show, John.

Please, Sussie Cup and Ron Reagan are here, and a little later I'll be speaking with the car matchmaker, Spike Ferriston.

But first, she's the iconic founder of the Jane Goodall Institute, who recently wrote the foreword to a book called Alter Jeans, Twisted Truth.

Please welcome welcome Dame Jane Goodall.

You're a dame.

How are you?

What a great pleasure to meet you.

Oh, and he got there.

Cow.

Look at that.

You brought your little blankie.

This is Cow.

This is Cow.

Cow is my spokesperson for abused farm animals.

Oh.

And

she.

Can I see him?

Does he speak?

Do I stick my hand up his ass?

No, I wouldn't do that because.

I like you tonight, cow.

You know what comes out that end?

You know what comes out that end?

Yes, I do.

Methane gas.

Methane gas, yes.

Which is very powerful gas

warming up the planet.

Cow farts are no joke.

They're not.

That's my bumper sticker on my Prius.

Cow farts are no joke.

Well, thank you very much.

Is this for me or just you just.

No.

Well, I gotta say, first of all, you look great.

Have you had work done?

No, I'm just joking.

You're in the jungle all the time.

They don't have.

I wish I was in the jungle all the time.

I'm now 300 days a year on the road

talking about the kind of things you'd be laughing about.

Oh.

Which I think are very important.

Yes, well, I do too.

And you use humor as a scalpel.

I know all about it, and I think you do it brilliantly.

Well, finish your thought.

So you don't spend that much time in the jungle, but in your life you've spent years and years in the jungle.

I was really fortunate.

I spent years and years out in the forest doing what I dreamed of as a child of 10.

With chimps.

With chimpanzees.

Yes, absolutely.

So when you're with the chimps that much,

Do they know that you're a friend?

Do they treat you as one of their own?

They don't treat me as one of their own because I don't want them to.

I want to be like looking through a window.

I want to see how they behave behave when there's nobody there.

And how do they behave?

Very much like us.

Yeah, they do.

Right.

They throw their feces.

That's only in zoos because they're so bored.

Right.

And because they're not.

Great points.

Yes.

That's right.

That is right.

In the wild, they would not be able to do that.

They would not throw them out.

Right, of course.

And I never thought of that.

And we would never do that in nature, throw his feces.

No, you wouldn't.

That's his way of saying, I can't talk.

That's it.

But I have shit.

Right.

Oh, okay.

So we learned something already.

And how are the chimps doing?

I'm sure they're in danger.

They're in danger, like the orangutans and the gorillas and the bonobos and the elephants and the rhinos and the tigers.

And can we go on and on and on?

It's so depressing, but the World Wildlife Fund came out with a survey this week and they said, I mean, I'm sure this goes on the land too, but they said in the sea,

marine life,

we've wiped out over half of the species since the 1970s.

We have, and we're wiping it out on the land too.

And you know, we're polluting the ocean so that it can't absorb CO2.

We're destroying the forests so that they can't absorb CO2 and they release it into the atmosphere.

And so we have climate change.

And I would think probably everybody listening to us is not a climate change denier.

No.

Unless Donald Trump is hiding in the order.

Right.

Well,

I'm so glad you brought up Donald Trump because, you know, Jane, he sued me a couple of years ago.

Oh, yeah.

Yeah.

He actually sued me because I offered him, he offered Obama $5 million to release his college record.

So I offered Donald Trump $5 million if he could prove that he was not the son of his mother and an orange-haired orangutan.

Do we have the picture?

That,

that, that, that is very insulting to that poor orangutan.

It is.

But

we didn't

we didn't pick that out of thin airs because I I thought that I've never seen that color in nature except in Donald Trump and that orangutan.

Uh is that or accurate, do you think?

There are are a few other animals that have that same kind of orange, like the red panda and so forth, but it's not common.

It's not common.

Right.

Anyway, he went into court to prove that he was not this.

He literally produced his birth certificate as if it would say orangutan on it.

So whenever you hear him say, I'm really smart, he's not really that smart.

Anyway, so the Pope used the phrase today at the UN, UN, made a speech, again hit climate change.

I love him for it.

He said, right of the environment.

I've never heard that.

But that should catch on, right?

It should, because, you know, the last book I wrote, Seeds of Hope, is all about my exploration of the amazing world of the plants, the green kingdom.

And

these amazing trees that can live 5,000 years.

And we can go along and chop them down because we want to do a development.

And that's not right.

And you're against GMOs.

I am very, very much against GMOs.

Now

the critics would say there's been a lot of research done and they're not harmful, but you say no.

There is a book called Altered Genes and Twisted Truths.

Right, you wrote the forward.

I wrote the forward.

And this is a lawyer, and he spent 15 years researching, and it shows absolutely conclusively not only that the technology is dangerous, but that there was tremendous complicity from very high up people in the American government and the scientific world.

Well, to say that the politicians are in the pocket of Monsanto would be an understatement.

Exactly.

Exactly.

Now, you've spent so much time in Africa.

What did you think of the whole

thing with Cecil, the lion getting killed, and big game hunters saying, oh, actually, we help preserve species.

Isn't that just annoying to hear that?

It actually makes me sick.

I've really tried but I cannot get into the mind of somebody who will go out and shoot a beautiful animal out of the house.

They have a small penis.

They must have a very small penis.

No mane, orange or otherwise.

Yes, no, I know.

It's just hard.

I mean that's not really the way to preserve a species, is to get it.

No, and they say, you know, well it doesn't have any effect, the numbers are so small.

But in fact, they pick out the very males who are the most

important for the continuity of the species.

The ones with the biggest manes, the biggest tusks, the biggest horns, and it makes me completely sick.

And you know, we we've all criticized this one Minnesota dentist correctly, but he's one of many.

Right.

And when he said, I wouldn't have taken him if I'd known he had a name, it didn't make any difference to the lion that he had a name.

And all the others are just as important, even though we haven't given them a name.

Jim Goodall, you're a treasure.

Thank you so much for doing what you do.

Please keep doing it.

James Goodall, everybody.

All right, let's meet our panel.

Hey!

All right, here they are.

He is the author, MSNBC political analyst, and contributor to the nationally syndicated radio program Both Sides Now.

Ron Reagan.

Hey, Ron.

Great to see you over here.

She's a CNN commentator and nationally syndicated columnist who grew up on this show, SE Cup.

Weren't you a teenager when you first came here?

I feel like it's been a long time, yeah.

All right, and he is the comedy legend whose memoir, So Anyway, is now in paperback and whose tour with fellow ex-Python Eric Idol starts October 1st.

John Cleese is over here.

Remember to follow me on Facebook, Twitter, and Instagram and send us your questions for tonight's overtime so we can answer them on YouTube.

You know, John, I'm supposed to be impartial about the guests, but I have to say, since you're old now,

I think I can get some...

I'm not old, but I'm very, very old.

You're not very old, but it is a special kick to have you here.

It really is.

And I got to say, I know you only drag yourself out to a place like this because you have large alimony payments.

Oh, no, I finished

last payment last July.

I'm free.

Oh, you're free now?

Yes.

So you're working just for the pleasure of it?

Yes, just for the pleasure.

That's awesome.

All right, so the Pope.

We have to talk about the Pope.

It's all that's on TV 24-7.

The Pope, the Pope, the Pope.

I have mixed feelings about the Pope.

Let's start with the positive, the climate stuff.

I think it's just awesome that this Pope took on this issue because, first of all, it's not even an issue that if a religious figure didn't take it on, you would miss it.

No one would say, why isn't the Pope talking about climate change?

So I just love him for his balls for doing that.

And I love it that Boehner invited him to talk to Congress, and there he was, the grand master flash of crazy non-evidentiary nonsense, lecturing the Republicans on reality.

It was fascinating to watch the conservatives and the Republicans swallowing their tongues too when they heard, you know, when they would talk about the Pope, and they'd always do it, they'd trot out that thing that they do where, well, you know, he's not a scientist.

Right.

And yet he is.

He has a degree in chemical engineering.

Right.

Exactly.

He happens to have.

Yeah.

But they, but they, but, you know, he's not, he should stick to religion and leave science to the scientists.

And then in the next breath, they turn around and say, and by the way, ignore those scientists.

Right.

and

they never do that either right you know

I mean

John Boehner I will miss old Leatherface I really will

he said we should open our hearts to his message but a lot of the Republicans did not get that memo

they I mean for those three Supreme Court Catholics not to even show up it's it's pretty funny that they you know they're big Catholics and yet when the guy who they pretend is the vicar of Christ, or believe is the vicar of Christ, who talks through God, says something they don't agree with, there's no humility.

No humility.

Wouldn't you think if you believed that?

I mean, I'm talking to the guy who made life for Brian.

And there's not a thing to be said about religion that was not better said in that moment.

Well, religiosity wasn't too bad.

Religion.

Religion.

Yeah.

Religion.

It's nice to say that political ideology trumps theology for certain

conservatives.

Well, look, I think, you know, liberals have some selective hearing when it comes to the things that they like about the Pope.

The Pope is not on record with them on every issue, and certainly conservatives have

selective hearing when it comes to science and religion.

I know because I'm pro-life, a lot of us love that science and scientific technologies are helping to better illustrate early development.

I don't imagine a conservative would ever say the Pope should stay out of science if he were talking about the science that applies to pro-life positions.

So

I think conservatives and liberals both use the Pope selectively when it's politically.

You're right, and he gives both a lot of ammunition.

He does, yeah.

But I just have a

question, though.

Have you heard any liberals actually saying about the Pope, well, you know, he shouldn't really be talking about abortion or any of those things?

No, in fact, what they're saying is, congratulations, conservatives.

He didn't even discuss abortion.

We win.

And actually, of course, he did.

Yes, he did.

The church is quite clear on its position.

But can I just say, and I want to warn you, I'm going to cuckservative my way through this entire panel tonight.

Wait, wait, cuckservative.

Oh, yeah, you don't know this.

It's the new rhino.

It's the new rhino.

Because

I don't think that Donald Trump's foreign policy of I know it, but it's secret, is sufficient, that makes me insufficiently conservative.

So I just want to say that if Ben Carson can talk about politics, then the Pope can talk about politics and science and everything else.

I mean,

Ben Carson not only fails to sound like a president most of the time, he fails to sound like an actual doctor, and he is one.

Well, he, yeah, a doctor is a form of scientist, and he believes the earth is 5,000 years old.

And then going to prison makes you gay.

I mean, that amazing.

There's no point in being a comedian anymore.

We cannot compete.

No, you can't.

It's true.

It's amazing.

So, yes, the Pope can weigh into matters of scientific scrutiny and politics as well.

And he would tell you the point that he's making is not to ignore politics, but to bridge politics.

Okay.

But there was some news today, the president of China's in America, and China is going to have cap-and-trade now.

So, the Republican talking point about, hey, you know, Marco Rubio said at the last debate: well, America's great, but it's not a planet, okay?

China does bad shit, and of course, logically, if some other country does bad shit, we should too.

That's a good principle, isn't that a Christian principle?

That's a very Christian principle.

Do bad shit unto others.

Yes,

do shit unto others as you do.

But now they're not doing it.

Okay.

Reverse golden rule.

But I want to agree with your point that the Pope, you know, I think a lot of liberals think he's Bernie Sanders.

Okay,

he opposes gay marriage, he opposes gay adoption, opposes transgender rights, against all forms of contraception,

all kinds.

Right, well, I said all forms.

Yeah, yeah.

Condoms, I mean, yeah.

Well, that's the main form.

Yeah, he's not coming around to abortion anytime soon.

Against.

You still don't use condoms in America?

What do you use in England?

You don't know?

Pinky.

I'll tell you afterwards.

It's much better.

It's just so weird.

Tell me now, really.

Okay, against contraception.

No, no, no, no.

Are you going to write it down?

I'm going to get a pencil.

It doesn't matter.

Do the next thing.

It's so awful you can't even say it out loud.

Oh, no, it's so good you can't even say it.

I can't even imagine what this is, and I've done a lot of thinking about my penis in my life.

Okay, so what else?

Oh, the Pope is against all forms of abortion, ruled out women priests.

That sounds more like Rick Santorum.

than Bernie Sanders.

And also, I must say, you know, gosh, I was watching the TV all week.

And first I see the Pope, and they spent, it seemed like days, I know it wasn't, on MSNBC talking about the fact that when he blesses the crowd, he doesn't have to bless you directly for you to get it.

It's like Wi-Fi, you know,

and then I, and then like, and the next thing they care, and there's 700 people trampled to death in Mecca, which seems to happen to a varying degree every year.

And I know you're an atheist.

I think you are.

I hope you are.

I know I am.

Can we all just agree and then go on to the Pope is great?

Religion, stupid, dangerous, pointless, just fucks everything up.

Okay.

Can I say

about it?

Well,

I think organized religion fucks everything up.

What about disorganized religion, no?

I think there's some interesting stuff out there.

But it's certainly...

well, like what?

Well, the mystics, I think that they do have experiences and they might be more than just a psychological experience.

But the trouble is, those guys aren't interested in power, so they never finish up running anything.

Do you see what I mean?

Right.

Yeah, so we never hear the interesting bit.

The rest of it is put forward by organization.

I mean,

if the teaching of Jesus Christ is about anything, it's about trying to get your own ego under control.

Are you listening, Donald?

No, he's not.

He's not.

He's not listening.

And you've got to sympathize with the Pope because, like, for the people who see that list that he's against, gay marriage, transgender, and they say, you should change, he's got to be thinking, but eternal is my brand.

That's what we're selling, is that it came from God, it's written in stone, it's forever.

Yes, but it didn't come from Jesus Christ.

I mean, is there anything in the Bible about what Jesus said about abortion?

Well,

no, no, there is not.

There's nothing about abortion in the Bible.

How about the Pope, though, saying that atheists can go to heaven?

We don't care.

We don't care.

It's an imaginary place.

But all of us have a backstage that nice to imagine.

It was such a nice gesture.

Do they have to become Catholics after they've died?

Boy, that's a good question.

Yeah, if he went that far.

Also, can I say one more thing about the media with the Pope constantly saying he has the hardest job in the world?

I think it's the easiest job in the world.

I mean, you've got tenure.

You're selling an invisible product.

You never have to prove it exists.

You never have to prove it exists.

Everything you say, people listen to, and you can play the infallible card.

I mean, what other business could you be in where you were involved with a horrible child fucking scandal and you didn't lose most of your customers?

I don't think it's that hard a joke.

And speaking of playing the infallible card,

the women thing.

I mean, he's such a smart guy.

He must know that it's caveman time to be still saying that women can't be.

He was talking to the nuns at St.

Patrick.

He said, I love you, but apparently, not enough to put you on equal footing with men.

He could play that infallible card and say, Hey, this just in.

I got it.

And especially in the third world world where women are abused so much.

But supposing you think of him as a basically very nice guy who's been put in charge of an absolutely dreadful organization.

Yeah.

How much can he be expected to achieve?

He can't change it overnight.

No, and he has changed the tone.

All those monotheisms, they're terrified of women.

Aren't they?

Yes.

Whether it's Judaism, Islam, or

they hate women, they hate genitals, they hate.

And they hate genitals.

You know, they just don't want to know nothing about that you only have to see what the early christians said about sex which is really it's bad yeah don't do it

but if you absolutely have to then it's sort of all right if you're married and it's totally for the purpose of having children right i mean if you start with a bit of theology like that unless on the other hand angels come to visit your home

and then the townspeople arrive and they want to rape the angels You offer your daughters instead.

You're talking about the Sodom and Gomorrah story.

That's what it is.

Why not?

That's what I'm saying.

You don't want to do it.

Poor angels.

You're a very naughty man, you are.

All right, so.

Let me just turn to politics briefly.

John, I know you probably don't know all of our American politicians.

You shouldn't.

There's no reason why you should.

But we have two quitters this week, John Boehner.

You've probably heard of him.

But then there's Scott Walker.

I don't know if you've.

There's Scott Walker.

Yes.

He wanted to spend more time petting his rabbit.

And

I think he's the more interesting quitter because it really proves, you know, this guy was huge in the state of Wisconsin.

He's a real arch conservative.

Wisconsin was kind of a blue state.

And he took it over.

And it just shows you what I learned back in the clubs.

Some people could be good on the local level.

And on the national level, they just don't cut it.

You know, and if I was a conservative, the Koch brother type conservative, I would just concentrate on ruining America state by state,

which is kind of what they're doing.

You know, it's unfortunate because,

you know, I had talked to Scott Walker a year ago and throughout the campaign and talked to his campaign.

And he would constantly say, you know, I'm not going to do the personal attack thing.

I'm going to talk about my record.

I'm going to talk about what I did in Wisconsin.

I'm just not going to do it.

And yet, he branded himself as the fighter, the fighter who took on the unions, the fighter who took on tenure, the fighter who's going to take on.

And the brand was good.

The man is good.

They were not compatible.

And they certainly weren't compatible or saleable in this environment of Donald Trump and Ben Carson.

They just didn't work.

Because if you are in this party today,

and that face.

Well, I mean, I like him a lot, but

No, he's a good man, but in today's part of the body, he may be a good man, but he's not a good man with a bad face.

He's not a good man.

No, and he is a good man.

And in today's Republican Party, if you aren't white your hair on fire mad at someone,

you're not conservative enough.

And that's a really unfortunate devolvement of where conservatism is.

He's never more than a minor league, though.

Right.

Scott Walker is a great AAA ball.

But

obviously he didn't work.

It didn't work.

Well, I think the whole point is that democracy has failed.

And the

question won't be, well, it's dependent on a fairly intelligent electorate who are fairly well-informed.

Well, we don't have one.

I mean, so were the Obama and voters, the Obama voters uninformed?

No, just their voters.

No, no, no, no, no.

I don't think anyone's well-informed these days.

I don't think this is any more serious country.

It's all about entertainment.

There were shows like this when they should be having really serious, important programs on the the internet.

All right.

So

the question is, what do we have now that democracy is finished?

Well, democracy

isn't finished.

I'd agree with you.

I always say the problem in our country is that politicians can say anything because people don't know anything.

And when you're working with a tabula rasa, you can say anything, and they do, and people just hear it and go, okay.

Yeah.

Indeed.

Well, you know, and they lie a lot.

It's not that they're sign, they come on a lie.

Two weeks ago, I think it was, Rick Santorum comes on your show and comes out with this thing about 57% of climate scientists say that humans aren't causing global care.

But I busted him the next week.

Thank God, you busted him right there.

Okay.

Actually, all right.

Okay.

You know, this Volkswagen thing is crazy.

Even by the standards of corporate malfeasance, it was pretty disgusting to hear about

the lying and what they did knowing what they were.

Bill's only lying now.

You know what I mean?

It's appalling, but you must have noticed that everyone lies all the time about everything.

It is sort of

hopeless.

That's the point.

Our situation.

All right.

I'll go home.

I don't mind.

No.

Hey.

Can I get a drink?

You can get a drink.

You can have my drink.

Okay.

I'll be back in the morning.

No, no.

Are you really going to get a drink?

Go get a drink.

I'll do this Volkswagen thing.

It's just hopeless.

This is a point I just wanted everyone to understand.

There is no hope.

Isn't he great the last time he's on?

Well, how about the CEO of Volkswagen, though, apparently going to get a $68 million golden parachute?

Did he read his little statement when he said he'd quit, where he described what was going on as irregularities that I discovered in the engine.

But I have irregularities.

The consumers should take some blame for this because we didn't notice.

We went back and looked at some of the old Volkswagen print ads.

We should have seen this coming.

Would you like to see some of the Volkswagen?

Okay.

Like, look at this one.

Volkswagen, the first name in clouds of poison gas.

Now, right there.

The Volkswagen Turek, it's German for asthma.

Don't fuck with me.

Volkswagen, getting you back for Indiana Jones.

Volkswagen, we call it the rabbit because we can't stop screwing you.

Volkswagen, we made a green car that pollutes, and people say Germans aren't funny.

And Volkswagen, it works fine when we tested it.

All right, he is the host of Esquires Network's Car Matchmaker with Spike Baryston.

Spike Barriston is over here.

Spike, how are you, my friend?

Spike Barriston, ladies and gentlemen.

So we introduced the subject of cars because you were coming out, and

you are yet another comedian who's crazy into cars.

Leno and Seinfeld.

What is it with comedians and cars?

You would know comedians are fun experts, and cars are really fun.

Not to me.

What do you drive?

Well,

that's interesting.

I drive a Volkswagen.

I have a Tesla

and when I need to go far, I also have an Audi, which I want to get rid of now because Volkswagen owns Audi.

They own Audi and what else?

Porsche.

Porsche, right?

Porsche as well.

Well, what do people, what are supposed to people...

people supposed to do now who have these cars who thought they were buying a green or pretty green car, and find out they're not?

They want to get rid of that car.

They're screwed.

They're screwed, frankly.

And nobody knows how they're going to fix this.

Whether there's going to be an update in the software or whether they're going to get a letter from the California DMV, who's going to, they're just going to say, We're not going to re-register your car next year because it doesn't conform to EPA standards.

No one quite knows.

I will tell you this: you can tell how serious it is at Volkswagen because they hired the same law firm that the BP people did after the oil spill.

That's how big this is.

That's the number of lawsuits and the number of upset consumers and the number of countries.

Is it going to be more than just Volkswagen, though?

That's what people want to know.

Is it kind of like DeflateGate, where they all did it, but one of them did it worse and got caught?

Everyone,

it's my opinion, everyone's gaming the EPA.

Really?

Yeah, everyone is gaming the EPA.

And I'll tell you, this is a good analogy.

Imagine that the EPA is the casino, right?

And the car manufacturers are the gamblers, and they love to gamble.

Some of them like to count cards.

And then you have Volkswagen that likes to hack a slot machine, right?

And Volkswagen should really be in the back room with De Niro getting its hand hammered like this for what they did.

That's how bad this is.

That's how bad it really is.

And here's the reason why.

The EPA establishes the tests for the new cars.

So you come up with a new car, they establish this emissions test, but they don't have the funding to conduct the test.

So what they say is, you go conduct your test and let us know how it turned out.

Right?

So imagine, you know, you're in school, you're a teacher, and it's finals time, and they say, you're going to take this final.

I'm going to go to another country.

You email me your grade and let me know how it turned out.

And everybody's surprised that this happened.

Oh, my gosh.

Hopeless.

Yeah,

confirming your theory, John.

Well, if you.

You pegged it, sir.

What can I say?

If you fund the EPA properly and you give them the proper budget, you know, this isn't a problem.

This really isn't a problem.

And it's important because the stuff that's coming out of these tailpipes, this nitrogen oxide, is the stuff that affects you and me today.

You know, 40 times higher.

It's the stuff that affects your lungs.

It's asthma sufferers.

It's really bad.

It's not something you have to wait to happen.

It's been going on now since 2009.

So let me ask you another question about cars.

Sure.

I read a lot about driverless cars.

Google, I guess, is the one that's pioneering this,

spending a lot of money on them.

Everybody is.

How soon are we going to have them?

And do we all have to have them?

Because I don't want one.

What about us people who like driving?

I get sick as a passenger.

I'm a control freak.

Yeah, you get sick.

Yeah, I mean, I like driving.

Right.

Well, a couple of things about that.

Here's how you should think about it.

It should be a conversation about safety.

A driverless car is not going to drink and drive.

A driverless car is not going to tie a dog to their roof like Mitt Romney did.

This is,

if you look at it.

It's never going to get blown.

It's never going to get blown.

You could.

Well.

Well, that's true.

Right.

Like, nobody on this panel ever got blown behind the wheel.

Come on Wait a second nobody on this panel did ever get blown

Yeah, you can join the 405 club now like the mile high club right just get on the in the back

Here's the deal.

It's for me.

It's a conversation about safety the top five things that that can kill you the top five things are you've got heart disease number one, cancer number two, lung disease number three, car accidents number four, So if I came to you and said, I have the cure for cancer,

you'd say, let's get going on that.

We can eliminate cancer.

I'm coming to you now saying we can eliminate the number four thing that kills us here in the United States.

And it's a pretty interesting argument.

What's five?

Number five is, well, I know suicide is 10.

I don't know what five.

I didn't get

why you're so fixated on 10.

Because it was some sort of lung capacity thing I didn't understand.

I just didn't understand it.

Five might be hospital error.

Doctor error.

Medical error kills about 100,000.

Okay, great stuff.

But I mean, pursuant to your point, you made a great point.

Shouldn't someone ask a Republican candidate

who's all...

who are always going on about how we have too much regulation and we should get rid of the EPA?

Jeb Bush said it, I think, today.

Wants to crack down on the EPA.

That if it wasn't for the EPA, we wouldn't have found out about this at all.

Right?

Right.

Right, right.

Okay.

What's the idea of all these job-killing regulations, as they say?

You know, job-killing.

Regulations, they're all job killers.

Obama, he

introduces all these new regulations, and look what happened to jobs when he came in, right?

Oh, well, forget it.

Never mind.

You should never,

you should never, when you're dealing with this, you should never kill jobs.

I mean, if you do some regulation, if you say, all right,

torture is now outlawed, a whole lot of torturers are out of a job like that.

True.

True.

Right?

Not only that.

Forensics improves what happens to serial killers.

Right.

I mean, I said this to, I fam who somebody was on was very mad at me for saying because they were getting rid of some of the oil rig jobs in Louisiana.

Fuck Fuck your jobs.

If you have a job that kills people, get a different job.

You know,

I had many jobs.

A job is not, you know, a sinecure for life.

Okay, so

now, speaking of corporate malefeas, this douchebag, Martin Shkrelli,

Martin Shkrelli, do we have his picture?

He's, yeah.

Doesn't he look like it?

His name and his face, he looks like it should be an American pie.

Shrelly!

Thank you, Spike.

But yes, right.

But

he bought a company that makes a drug called Daraprim, which treats a disease called toxoplasmosis.

It's the number two most harmful bacteria in the world after salmonella and before E.

coli.

I heard of those.

I never heard of this one.

Must need a better publicist.

Anyway, the pill to cure this, and by the way, most of us, or many of us, get it, but we have an immune system that works fine, so we get rid of it.

But if you're an AIDS patient, an infant, if you have malaria, you don't.

You need this drug.

Cost a dollar to make a pill.

They were selling it for $13.50, which already is greed.

He bought the company and upped the price to $750 a pill.

And can I read what Pope Francis said about the stench of the dung of the devil?

An unfettered pursuit of money rules.

This is why the Republicans hate him.

Once capital becomes an idol and guides people's decisions, once greed for money presides over the entire socioeconomic system, the service of the common good is left behind.

And this asshole said, and the problem is.

This is why I don't think Republicans can ever be real Catholics.

Well, how could Democrats be real Catholics?

They don't subscribe to many of the things that the Pope or the Vatican say about abortion?

I know, but this is more fundamental.

Why is that more because you decided

to decided this is more important?

Have you ever read the New Testament?

Yes.

Okay.

It's almost all about be nice to poor people and don't be a greedy asshole.

That's not a liberal policy.

I know it's not a liberal policy, but

it's only the Republicans who worship mammon.

Let's just agree that no one should be a real Catholic.

How about that?

I won't agree to that.

But look, the Pope also said some very nice things about capitalism.

He said some very nice things about free enterprise, lifting people out of poverty.

And if he talked to him.

He does.

And when we're talking about popsicles and show business and basketball shoes, the free market is a terrific thing.

When we're talking about

health care and education and the prison system, I'm not sure.

We didn't find out about that.

Probably not such a good idea.

We didn't find out about this asshole because of a law,

you know, the law enforcement founder.

We found out about this asshole because the free market decided we're not okay with that and we're going to make a huge example of you.

I don't know what that is.

And they did.

You know what?

There's many examples of this.

He's not the only one who does that.

All the drug companies do that.

There's one called Zavromax or something.

It's a herpes medicine that sells for $2,500 a tube here and in Canada you can get it for 50 bucks.

So it's not just this douchebag.

Johnson and Johnson, big series on the Huffington Post, they developed a drug called Resperidol.

It was originally for antipsychotic for schizophrenics, but you know, schizophrenics, kind of a small market.

So they decided, why not old people and kids too?

And so they did, well, they found out that if you give this to boys, let's say teenage boys, for ADHD, they tend to grow breasts.

They discovered this, but you know,

so what?

So we'll let kids, you know, some boys grow breasts.

We're making money off of this.

The pot does that to you too, they say.

I'm here to tell you it doesn't.

You know what I like about this story, though?

Can I just say, this is a great example of internet shaming working.

doing something positive.

And so many people say internet shaming, it's all bad, and it's such a simplistic idea.

It's not.

It actually affected change here.

It takes a village, and now we have this internet village that fixes things.

I want to do an update on the story we covered last week about the 14-year-old boy in Texas who they said invented a clock.

Okay, a little update on this.

His parents took him out of school, and he's just doing TV now, and he's on like a tour.

And look, I'm not anti-this kid.

I hope this kid has a wonderful life and does great things.

But the lip, mostly liberals, you'll like this, who have glommed on to him as a mascot are ninnies

because somebody showed that he did not invent anything.

Show the tape of somebody that this was on the internet.

It took 20 seconds for this somebody to do what this kid did.

He didn't invent a clock.

He took the guts out of a clock radio that he bought in the store and put it in a pencil box.

Okay?

This is like pouring Cheerios into a bowl and saying you invented cereal.

Well.

And then made it look like a bomb.

And made it look like a bomb.

Not that he's saying the kid's Thomas Edison, but did he deserve to be arrested for inventing the city?

That's not what we did that last week.

That's not the point.

Nobody would.

He didn't deserve to be arrested.

But they did absolutely do the right thing thinking that it could be a bomb.

I thought we had zero tolerance for no safety in the school.

If you can get expelled for drawing a picture of a gun, I think you can be detained for bringing something that looks like a bomb to school.

But it didn't look like a bomb, it looked like a clock.

It looked exactly like a bomb.

How many have not seen diehorror movies, Ella?

It looks exactly like a bomb.

Well, here's the thing about bombs: right?

They have the little timer that's the clock part, and then those wires that come out, they're attached to fissile material that explodes.

Okay.

That was the

missing element in this bomb.

Excuse me, Ron.

The thing that blows up.

Nothing blew up.

I don't notice all that when I see that hunk of metal.

When you see a clock, you know what?

Ron, try to take that through airport security tomorrow and see if they take it up.

I think you can't.

It's a clock.

It's a clock.

It's a clock only because we were told it was a clock.

And by the way, it's only the guts of a clock.

Show the tape from Good Morning America.

Here he is this week on Good Morning America.

Do you have something with you?

Can we see it?

It's the motherboard of the entire media player.

Have you always been fascinated with things like that and doing things like that, Ahmed?

This isn't my first invention, and it won't be my last invention.

It's not an invention!

Again, he took the back out of something.

And let me just say, Google invited him to their science fair where a 15-year-old invented an automated method for finding and characterizing gravitationally lensed quasars.

And a 16-year-old invented an inexpensive test for the Ebola virus.

Well, he's only 14.

Next.

I made a bung out of an apple.

Thank you, panel.

It is hopeless, but we have to go to New Rules.

New rules.

New rules, if you really want to assure conservative Catholics that you're holding the line on gay marriage, don't pose like you're on top of a gay wedding cake.

New roll, stop acting like this viral video of the rat making off with an entire slice of pizza is cute.

That could have been a meal for a homeless person.

And for dessert, he could have had the pizza.

New role of cab drivers is serious about competing with Uber.

They should start by getting rid of these things.

This isn't really an air freshener.

It's more a sign that says, my air conditioner is broken.

I have no idea how to get to your destination.

And my radio is blaring Pakistani disco.

New role, the next politician who says he wants to restore America to how it used to be, has to go to the beach without sunscreen and sit there all day running his toes through cigarette bus.

Touchy crowd here.

New rules: since America loves Pope Francis and Hillary Clinton, she needs a boost, she should start wearing a two-foot hat

and call herself the other leader who gave up having sex for power.

And finally, new rural Republicans have to stop being surprised when their instant heroes turn out to be embarrassments.

They're so anxious to buddy up to the forgotten good people that when a Kim Davis or a Joe the Plumber or a Clive and Bundy come along, they rush to say, Now here's a real American when they should be saying, What's up with this asshole?

And if these better than the rest of us, real Americans, really do exist, how come every time you find one, they turn out to be a creep?

Either you're a terrible judge of character or else there's nobody home at the Good People House.

Now a few weeks ago, America met Kim Davis, the Kentucky court clerk, who was sent to jail for her principled belief that marriage is a sacred union between one woman and one scarecrow.

Kim refused to perform her job marrying gay people on account of her Jesus freedoms and overnight became a martyr, a Joan of Arc for the deep-fried Twinkie crowd.

Here she is getting her official Religious Freedom Award, still wrapped in plastic so it'll match her furniture.

But Kim Davis turned out to be everything conservatives hate.

She gave birth to two children out of wedlock, and she's been married four times.

According to her, the answer to what would Jesus do is everybody.

Now,

last year's Kim Davis was a guy perfectly named Clivin Bundy.

If you forgot, he's the not-so-jolly rancher

who wanted to graze his cattle on public lands without paying the fees like everybody else.

Sorry, Mr.

Bundy, if you're getting your grass from the government for free, then I should get my grass from the free free.

And predictably, Cliven went off script at a rally and said, quote, I want to tell you one more thing about the Negro.

And that sentence never ends.

Well,

As it didn't this time when he went on, they abort their children and put their young men in jail because they never learned to pick cop.

And that was the end of Open Mic Night at the O.K.

Corral.

But not the end of racist mascots because before Clivin, we had George Zimmerman, the freelance defender of cul-de-sacs,

who conservatives insisted was neither racist nor angry, but since his trial, he's had more contact with the police than Dunkin' Donuts.

And I would be remiss in this rundown of Republican nut of the month club members if I didn't mention Joe the Plumber, who during the 2008 election became famous as the guy who didn't want to pay high taxes on his small business, which it turned out he didn't have, because it would hold back his career as a plumber, which it turned out he wasn't either.

And his name wasn't Joe, I'm not kidding.

Guys, it's called Google.

But the Republican mascot who, for my money, takes the prize is Josh Duggar, one of the famed

one of the famed 19-en-counting Duggar kids, beloved by conservatives for their homespun values, their modest clothing, and their mother's womb, nicknamed Old Faithful.

Josh traded on his family's image to work as a lobbyist for the ultra-conservative Family Research Council and all the Republican presidential candidates wanted a picture with him until it turned out he had two Ashley Madison accounts, had paid for rough sex with porn stars, and had molested his sisters.

Although, to be fair, I guess molesting your sisters could be considered family research.

That's our show.

Vice has an awesome special on prisons.

This Sunday at 9 o'clock, I'll be at Chase in Buffalo tomorrow, at the Auditorium Theater in Rochester on the 27th, and at the Cy Stevens Auditorium in the Iowa State Center in Ames on November 7th.

I want to thank Ron Reagan, SC Cup, John Cleese, Smike Ferriston, and Jane Goodall.

Join us now on Overtime on YouTube.

Thank you, folks.

All new episodes of Real Time with Bill Maher every Friday night at 11, or watch him anytime on HBO on Demand.

For more info, log on to hbo.com.