Bonus Bill (Originally aired 9/25/15) - Update

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Now it's time for Real Time 2.0.

Your chance to listen in behind the scenes to the real-time monologue jokes America didn't hear.

Thank you.

Don't minister biscuit.

Don't minus Obiscum.

See, I'm the Pope today.

Why pretend anything else, anything but the fucking Pope?

Well, you got to admit, this is the most political Pope I ever remember.

You know, the way he's come to this country and just fucking stuck it to the Republicans.

He has.

They do not like him.

Ooh, you know, and sometimes he says things like, oh, you know, we should take care of the poor and take care of the plotted, and they act like he dug up Reagan

and made a lamp out of his skull.

And today the Pope gave his big speech before Congress.

You've never seen that.

Looked just like the State of the Union, you know, standing there at the Wella Congress.

He said some really great things about how we have to heal the open wounds of our planet.

He said the planet is torn apart by greed, poverty, pollution.

Yeah, and to make his point really strong, he was wearing a red trucker's cap that said, make the earth great again.

But yeah, how about that?

A planet torn apart by hatred, greed, poverty, and pollution.

And as soon as he said that, the lobbyists for hatred, greed, poverty, and pollution said, come on, he's here for one day.

We'll fight.

Cannot touch us.

He also, the pub, defended immigration.

He endorsed environmental legislation, and he attacked capitalism, attacked the defense industry, even attacked delusional religious fundamentalism.

And then he lit up a joint

and

announced

this new TV show, real-time, with Pope Francis.

But it was interesting to see him.

He was standing there making his speech, and behind him were, just like at a State of the Union, the vice president and the Speaker of the House, who who happened to be two former altar boys, Joe Biden and John Boehner, who, of course, was crying.

I mean, of course, this is going to make them blubber a lot, but this was out of control.

At one point, the Pope had to turn around and say, dude, I don't know what you did, but you're absolved.

Here's the great thing about this Pope.

After the speech, he was invited to hobnob and have lunch with the luminaries in the capital.

Nope.

Pope says don't want to do that.

He went out and met with homeless people.

An awkward moment.

150 of them tried to squeegee his car.

And then the Pope went and he laid hands on Carly Fiorina and cured her of seeing videos that don't exist.

It was very ironic.

Yeah, Carly Fiorina doing very well.

I'd tell you about a month ago I made my prediction.

There were 17 Republicans in the race at the time.

I said, Marco Rubio, Carly Fiorina is going to be the tickets.

Looking pretty good, my prediction.

They're both rising in the polls.

Trump's starting to go down.

Scott Walker dropped out this week.

He said he just wanted to spend more time stroking his pet rabbit.

But yeah, Donald Trump starting to lose it, starting to get desperate.

Today he was making a speech, and he was talking about the last debate.

He said, my opponents withered under the heat.

He said, I touched Mike Huckabee's back, it was soaking wet.

And I think we know how Trump feels about wet back.

Now the other story everybody's talking about, Volkswagen, I mentioned it, can you believe these assholes faking their clean diesel diesel designation by designing software that was specifically designed to fool the emissions test?

Wow.

The CEO of Volkswagen did step down yesterday, and you know, we've seen this before.

Remember the BP oil guy?

You know, I mean, this happens all over the world when there's corporate malfeasance.

In Japan, they do it, right?

But here they step down, they get a golden parachute, they're rich for the rest of their life.

That's how we do it.

But this guy's statement was something I have not seen before.

He said, and I'm quoting, CEO of Volkswagen, I am not aware of any wrongdoing on my part.

I got to tell you, folks, I'm pretty sure I was just following my orders.

I've appointed me to investigate myself, and if I find anything suspicious, I will bring it to my attention.

And of course, you know about this guy, Martin Shkrelli.

Is that pronouncing that right?

Martin Shkrelli,

douchebag of the year, douchebag of the century.

He's the 32-year-old hedge fund manager who bought the drug company that makes a drug called Daraprim, which is the only cure for a very deadly parasitic disease that strikes AIDS, cancer patients, malaria patients, newborn babies.

It costs a dollar to make this pill.

It was being sold for $13.50, already gouging.

He raised the price to $750 a pill.

Yes, so ask your bank's loan officer if Darra Prim is right for you.

All right, thank you very much.

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