Bonus Bill (Originally aired 9/18/15)

Now it's time for Real Time 2.0.

Your chance to listen in behind the scenes to the real-time monologue jokes America didn't hear.

very much.

How you doing?

You're very kind.

Please.

Look at that.

A standing ovation on a Thursday, huh?

How?

Because you're inside, that's why.

Well, I think I know why the liberals are happy today.

Republican debate, Wednesday night, is now half over.

Wow, that fucker was long.

I feel like about around hour eight, Marco Rubio hit puberty and his voice changed.

That thing was long.

Now they say the big winner was Carly Fiorina.

Did you see Carly?

Yeah.

Well, let's not get too excited.

Wasn't that big a challenge to make 10 Republican men look stupid and out of touch?

And also, you know, CNN changed the rules to let Carly Fiorina into the debate, and then she scored big points by talking about her looks.

So, all in all, it was a great night for feminism.

First question was, do you candidates feel comfortable if Donald Trump was president and his finger was on the nuclear button?

And the consensus was no, because he might not push it fast enough.

Oh, yeah, yeah, what a bunch of belligerent Cretans up there.

All telling their personal stories whenever they could possibly get an opportunity.

Carly Fiorina talking about her journey in the business world.

Marco Rubio movingly about his immigrant grandparents from Cuba.

Scott Walker told about the time his mother said to him, if you keep making that face, it's going to freeze that way.

And these people, you know, they asked him, and it's not all the candidates' fault.

The CNN is stupid too.

Every question was designed to get them to fight each other.

And stupid questions like, what woman would you put on the $10 bill?

Yeah, Mike Huckabee said, My wife.

I put my wife on the $10 bill.

This is a nice way of saying, honey, I love you, but I wish you were dead.

And Mike Huckabee had a great moment.

He said, he's trying to be nice to the others.

He said, you know, this is the eight team.

And then he said, and Dr.

Ben Carson is like Mr.

T.

Take that, Black Lives Matter.

Yeah, Mike Tuckabee, he does not see skin color at all.

It's just that when he sees a black brain surgeon, he thinks of that wrestler with the Mohawk who fought Rocky.

Doesn't see color.

But my two favorite moments of debate.

One is when Ted Cruz got up there to introduce himself, all the fake passion he could muster, talking about he's the son of a Cuban immigrant and how he fights career politicians.

And if we stand together, we can bring America back.

Nothing.

Even a room full of Republicans was like, what an asshole.

It was so silent you could hear Chris Christie's stomach growling.

Thank you very much.

Catch all new episodes of Real Time with Bill Maher every Friday night at 10 or watch him anytime on HBO On Demand.

For more information, log on to HBO.com.