Bonus Bill (Originally aired 8/21/15)

Charlie Sheen is an icon of decadence.

I lit the fuse and my life turns into everything it wasn't supposed to be.

He's going the distance.

He was the highest paid TV star of all time.

When it started to change, it was quick.

He kept saying, no, no, no, I'm in the hospital now, but next week I'll be ready for the show.

Now, Charlie's sober.

He's gonna tell you the truth.

How do I present this with any class?

I think we're past that, Charlie.

We're past that, yeah.

Somebody call action.

Aka Charlie Sheen, only on Netflix, September 10th.

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Now it's time for Real Time 2.0, your chance to listen in behind the scenes to the real-time monologue jokes America didn't hear.

Well, I have to say, first of all, many of you, I'm sure, are here only because you're on AshleyMadison.com and you can't go home.

Did you see it?

This hacker has released the data from 37 million now, they're saying married people.

If you don't know what AshleyMadison.com is, it's an online dating site for married people to meet other people to cheat with.

37 million cheaters?

And Hillary Clinton said today, you see why I delete everything?

Yeah.

She's looking pretty smart with that shit now, right?

In fact, Bill said to her today, so what key is it that deletes all, I'm asking for a friend?

But

Ashley Madison lets you list right there on the website all your fantasies.

Get all your fantasies fulfilled.

Everything from experimenting with sex toys to bubble baths for two to the ones that are really way out there like deporting all illegals.

Oh, well, that's why you're really happy, because Trump released his plan to protect us from cleaning ladies.

It's only six pages long.

Turn off your leaf blowers.

Gather your anchor babies and get the fuck out.

It's

no, people thought Trump was a joke candidate, but he is serious.

He seriously hates Mexicans.

This guy,

but yeah, he's going to deport every single illegal, all 11 million, and their children.

We want to keep families together.

Sarah, he's not a monster.

That's the first wave.

And then the second wave of deportees will be a supermodels who are no longer tens.

They have got to.

He said that about Heidi Klum.

I'm not making it.

But yeah, 11 million people have to go.

11 million, that's the population of Mexico City.

I don't mean it's the same size.

I mean that's actually the same people.

And the CBO director, the budget people in Washington said Trump's plan would cost us $300 billion

and start a new deep recession.

And if it happens, there will still be desperate people outside of Home Depot looking for work.

They'll just be white.

And of course, what makes this especially stupid is that immigration from Mexico has been at pretty much net zero for the last seven or eight years.

So it's a fake cure for a fake problem.

It is the political equivalent of a cootie shot.

And the stupidest part of it, Trump wants to end birthright citizenship.

Or as he put it, 14th Amendment, you're fired.

Yes, I mean, that's what the 14th Amendment says.

If you were born in this country, no matter what the circumstances, you are a citizen.

He wants to repeal that.

The 14th Amendment to the Constitution, the Constitution, which is such a sacred document to the tea baggers.

It is the one they, the thing that they always cite, they revere.

It was written by God with illustrations by Jesus.

But if there's something in it you don't like, scratch it out in initial.

That's all you have to do.

It's like when Apple updates your software.

Do you agree?

Click here, whatever, sure.

But you know what?

You can't get away from the guy.

The news, you've seen this, right?

It's just all Trump all the time.

CNN could not be covering Trump more if that Malaysian plane turned up in his hair.

And I noticed the other candidates, at first, they were either trying to ignore Trump or criticizing him.

Now they realize he's the leader.

He's not going away.

He's winning this thing.

So they're trying to imitate him.

Mike Huckabee came out today with a hat that said, Make America Straight Again.

All right, thank you very much.

We're going to show you something.

Catch all new episodes of Real Time with Bill Maher every Friday night at 10, or watch him anytime on HBO On Demand.

For more information, log on to HBO.com.