Bonus Bill (Originally aired 8/14/15)

Once upon a mundane morning, Barb's D got busy without warning.

A realtor in need of an open house sign.

No, 50 of them and designed before nine.

My head hurts.

Any mighty tools to help with this pike?

Aha!

Barb made her move.

She opened Canva and got in the groove.

Both creating canvas sheets.

Create 50 signs fit for suburban streets.

Done in a quick, all complete.

Sweet.

Now, imagine what your dreams can become when you put imagination to work at canva.com.

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Now it's time for Real Time 2.0, your chance to listen in behind the scenes to the real-time monologue jokes America didn't hear.

are you?

How are they, good?

Thank you.

Look at all these people.

Look at all these people

standing on a Thursday.

Thank you very much.

Well, I think I know why the Liberals are happy.

Bernie Sanders on fire.

Drawing huge crowd, like 28,000 in Oregon.

He was here in Los Angeles,

brought traffic on the 110 to a standstill.

Letting in a tennis shoe in the right lane brings traffic on the 101 to a standstill.

He is leading Hillary now in the polls in New Hampshire.

Pollsters, of course, say it is too early to tell, and Hillary says he has a very unfair advantage in that people actually like him.

So that's unfair.

Now all the experts, if you can believe them, they say the numbers for Sanders and for Donald Trump won't last because it's too early.

Voters are not really thinking about electability.

This is like the early stage of the relationship when it's all about sex.

I love him, but he can't win is kind of the political version of he gives me orgasms, but he doesn't have a job.

But when you think about it, Trump and Sanders as the leader, this is why stereotypes are something you just throw out the window.

I mean, Trump and Sanders, one of them is pushy and just loves, loves money, and that's not the Jew.

No, Donald Trump is here to stay.

They keep thinking every week it's going to end.

And he is in first place everywhere.

First place nationally, first place in New Hampshire, first place in Iowa.

Everything they throw at the monster just makes it stronger.

I mean, it's like getting to the gym and seeing that the prom queen is Carrie.

And you go, well,

it could happen.

She is a senior.

No, people thought Trump would go away after the debate performance last week.

To recap what happened at the debate last week, Megan Kelly said to Trump, you know, basically, you call women names.

What's your problem?

And Trump responded, that's an unfair question, you bimbo.

And then he said, after bait, she had blood coming out of her eyes and blood coming out of her whatever.

Now he denies that he was referring to menstruation.

He says he was just saying she was going to get a visit from her fox and friend.

I think it's so ironic that Donald Trump is involved in this scandal.

Donald Trump, a man with a 30-year-long case of PMS.

In the Trump household, when they say that time of the month, it means he's filing bankruptcy again.

There we go.

But Donald Trump said today he is open to a female vice president.

No, he's serious about it.

In fact, he asked for Mitt Romney's old binders.

The binders have windows.

Now, Donald Trump is not the only Republican in hot water this week.

Dr.

Ben Carson, you're familiar with Dr.

Ben Carson?

He's in the race.

He is the Republican's black friend.

And you know, he's a down-the-line right-wing asshole, like all of them, hates planned parenthood for using and selling fetal tissue.

Well, it turns out Dr.

Ben Carson, the doctor, had used fetal tissue in his own research.

You'd think a guy who has done extensive research on underdeveloped brains would be doing better with the Republican base.

Well, listen to this.

Dr.

Ben Carson accused Planned Parenthood

of putting clinics in black neighborhoods to control the black population.

How ridiculous.

That is not how we control the black population.

We do it through police shootings.

Everybody knows that.

Black Lives Matter.

I said it.

Okay.

Oh, did you see there's a fight among liberals because Black Lives Matter protesters showed up at a Bernie Sanders rally and

they grabbed the mic and wouldn't give it back.

Not even a Kanye, I'ma let you finish.

And liberals are saying, why of all people, Bernie Sanders?

Oh, sure, he has a 50-year history of fighting for racial equality, a hundred percent approval rating from the NAACP,

but has he created a hashtag

and then the Black Lives Matter protesters disrupted a Jeb Bush town hall in Las Vegas they were very easy to spot they were the only people not wearing pleated dockers

yeah and they started chanting white lives matter okay folks we get it you're at a Jeb Bush rally you're in Las Vegas on a Wednesday I think you have achieved peak whiteness

Yeah, Jeff made a big speech about Iraq, blamed it all the problems there on Obama and Bill Clinton.

And Hillary Clinton.

Never mentioned his brother.

They are so intent on hiding George W.

Bush, the sign over the Bush Presidential Library now says Radio Shack.

Oh, Hillary's got her problems too.

They finally made her turn over her private server on her emails to the Justice Department.

I mean, she didn't do anything.

There's no crime, and they're searching her anyway.

This is why she's going to win the black vote.

She is the first Secretary of State to be subject to stop and frisk.

And my favorite story of the week had, anybody read about the newlywed couple in Mississippi who was going to join ISIS?

Unbelievable.

These are, I guess, two 18-year-olds, I think they're just leaving high school, a Muslim kid named Muhammad and his black girlfriend, and they, they, the cover story was, we're getting married and we're going on our honeymoon.

They're really going to join ISIS.

Can you imagine spending your honeymoon in a heavily armed shithole with that many religious extremists and then going to Syria?

Two more women came out today accusing Bill Cosby of doing what he does.

Let's make this a little easier.

Is there any woman here who has not been drugged and raped by Bill?

This guy has touched more women than Hallmark.

I mean.

But don't say anything about this latest two, because any couple more and his wife, Camille, might start to get suspicious.

All right, thanks.

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