Bonus Bill (Originally aired 6/12/15)

Now it's time for Real Time 2.0.

Your chance to listen in behind the scenes to the real-time monologue jokes America didn't hear.

Start the clock.

Thank you.

All right, so what's in the news is all cable news is talking about is that escape, that prison escape in upstate New York.

Thank God it's there, else I'd be shitting my pants here in California.

And I love this part of this story.

This is on the news.

I'm not making this up or being salacious.

They say one of these convicts, the escapees, is very well endowed.

How they know this, I don't know.

But he's very well endowed, and a woman who worked in the tailor shop in the prison helped him escape because he made her feel special.

This is the kind of thing you used to see in porn movies when they had plots.

Remember?

But yeah, all of New York State and Vermont are looking for these two guys.

They say over 450 cops are on the manhunt.

In fact, there's so many cops doing this, they are asking until they capture them for black people to harass themselves.

Well, I'm sure you saw also

this week's video.

There should be a weekly show.

What black, what unarmed black person got harassed this week.

This week it was black teenagers at a pool party.

And you saw this cop, this out-of-control cop, he grabs this one 14-year-old girl.

She's already seated.

He gets her up.

And then he faceplants her and puts all his weight on her neck, or what the cops call community outreach.

And, you know, these poor kids, they didn't know what to do, because this cop was barking all these orders, these contradictory orders.

Stay put, walk away, stand up, get down.

We have the only police departments in America where the guy actually says, halt and I'll shoot.

Although, to be fair to this cop, several of those kids had unlicensed super soakers.

And the teenage girl on the ground, she is being charged with disorderly conduct and resisting being white.

So

it's not like they don't have any case at all.

But actually, you know why this cop went nuts?

I think he was just embarrassed.

Because if you saw the video at the beginning, he runs in, he's all puffed up being a cop, and then he falls on his fucking face.

And he's embarrassed in front of everybody.

I thought I was watching a police academy movie.

Honestly, I.

And then he pulls his gun, which, you know, if you ever wondered what it would look like if Deputy Barney Fife was a racist,

that would be it.

And of course he faced sharp criticism from liberals for pulling his gun on unarmed black people and sharp criticism from Fox News for not shooting them.

Now in other news, President Obama was in Germany this week at the G7 summit talking about what should we do about ISIS.

He actually tried to offer them an olive branch while he was in Germany.

He said, Eek B9 beheader.

Thank you.

The people who got it liked it a lot.

That's what I would say.

The people who didn't know,

but no, but this is disappointing.

Obama is sending 450 more troops into it.

Well, troops wrong.

Advisors.

Just advisors.

They're helpers.

It's cute.

In fact, it's called Operation Shock and Aw.

Aw, come on.

Yes, we're giving the Iraqi Army a new training manual.

Chapter one, don't run away.

Chapter two, seriously, don't run away.

Because after 11 years, the only command that the Iraqi Army really has down is about face.

That one they got.

Just the firing range has proved to be very challenging because when one of them shoots, the the rest of them drop their weapons and run.

It's not.

But luckily, the Republicans are all for more war in Iraq.

Great.

And now they say there are maybe as many as 23 Republican candidates.

23.

This is unbelievable.

There hasn't been that much conservative talent on one state since the little Miss Texas toddler beauty pageant.

There's so many Republican candidates that CNN, they have to have a plan for the debates.

They're going to have one debate with the top ten, and then a second debate for the others, which will be held in the kitchen around a card table.

Now, one of the candidates declared already, Lindsey Graham, senator from South Carolina.

He's a bachelor,

wink, wink.

And

the press has been asking him if he becomes president, you know, which is hysterical,

who would serve in the role of first lady?

And Lindsay, his answer is, well, either his sister or there would be a rotating first lady.

But he said, the really, the hardest part of the whole thing is finding girls who aren't icky.

So

there's something about Lindsey Graham.

I don't know.

Now on the Democratic side, a little controversy with Bernie Sanders.

He was on NPR and the radio host there, Diane Ream, got into trouble because she asked Bernie if he had dual citizenship with Israel, which is crazy.

And it turned out she got her information from a Facebook post.

Tomorrow she's interviewing a cat who plays the piano.

So just not the brightest.

And here's my favorite story of the week.

In Texas, of course, Texas, always Texas or Florida.

Texas,

a woman left her kids locked in the car while appearing in court on the charge of locking her kids in the car.

And the judge asked, What do you plead?

She said, Consistent.

Thank you very much.

Okay.

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