Episode #355 (Originally aired 6/5/15)

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Welcome to an HBO podcast from the HBO Late Month series, Real Time with Bill Maher.

Good afternoon.

Afternoon.

Time will be

real time.

Hi, everybody.

How you doing?

Thank you.

Thank you.

Oh, thank you.

Thank you.

Sit your asses down.

Oh, what a rousing ovation.

What a crowd.

Thank you so much.

Okay.

Very odd.

I know, I know, I know why you're excited.

You're excited

because there are now 10 Republicans running for president.

Isn't that awesome?

That clown car is filling up.

Yeah.

You know who got in it this week?

Rick Perry.

Remember Rick Perry from 2012?

Yeah, we all remember 2012, Rick Perry.

But Rick says, I am not that guy at all anymore.

In fact, he says, call me Caitlin.

He really wants to get away from it.

Oh, yeah.

Oh, why even pretend we're even going to talk about anything else?

That's what America is obsessed with this week, is Caitlin Jenner coming out on the cover of Vanity Fair.

And you know what?

If he, she,

oh, you know what, pronoun police, if you're going to climb up my ass

while you're up there, you can kiss it.

Okay, because it's going to take a minute to get used to that.

But if she makes people accept people who are different, Great, then she's done a great thing.

But let's also remember, this is a has-been from reality TV who got breast implants.

Okay.

This is someone who used to be Kim Kardashian stepfather.

It is now Kim Kardashian stepmother.

She's not Rosa Parks.

But I'm glad she's happy.

And boy, it's working out well.

She already has

an endorsement deal with Mac Cosmetics.

And did you see them out any fair cover?

She looks pretty awesome.

Maybe they use the Mac Cosmetics.

And I think this is going to be very good for Mac Cosmetics.

Oh, I'm going to buy stock in Mac Cosmetics.

You know, can it conceal my crow's feet?

Lady, this shit made a 65-year-old former dude look like Brooke Shields.

Also, this is the oldest woman.

65 to appear solo on the cover of Vanity Fair, which I think sends a very powerful message that you can be a sexy, glamorous senior woman, and all you need is strength, determination, and a dick.

Oh, yeah, she's keeping the dick.

She's got boobs, but keeping the penis.

Should have changed her name to Spoiler Alert.

What the?

She's not whopping off.

She's adding on.

Try to get the permits out here.

Anyway,

this is not going over well with everybody.

On the right, you know, Rush Limbaugh, he says, you know, they're redefining normalcy.

I say, great, yeah, for the better.

But you know what?

Rush says, if you want to make your penis disappear, do it the old way, like I did.

Have your belly fat cover it up.

And And I tell you, it seems like everything in the news this week was about sex.

This week, the FDA has endorsed female Viagra.

Did you see that?

Yeah.

They have a pill that's not, you know, sugarcoat this that makes women horny.

And the experts are already calling it a huge step forward for lazy, unattractive husbands.

And a big week for child molesters.

Don't applaud that.

I appreciate the audience's enthusiasm, but we don't.

No, no, no.

We're just saying it's a big week.

Well, it is.

I mean, things got worse for Dennis Haster.

You've been reading about Dennis Hastert, former Speaker of the House, who was also a wrestling coach in the 70s and apparently was doing a little more than wrestling with the boys.

And a woman came forward today and said her brother was one of the victims.

And you know, of course, Dennis Hastard, a Republican and

a bit of a hypocrite.

He had a hundred percent approval rating from the Christian Coalition, huge opponent of gay rights.

Which is something I've always said: if anti-gay gay stuff is always coming out of your mouth, something very gay is probably going in.

It's just true.

And

also,

also, I must say, wrestling as gay as the Greeks who invented it.

And anyone who wants to be doing it with children, we should keep an eye on.

I mean, the first hint that Dennis Hassert was up to something a little weird is when he would pin you.

He'd say, say, uncle.

And when they did that, he'd say, now call me daddy.

See, there, right there, I think, is a red flag.

And of course, you're familiar with the Duggar family, right?

Their reality show 19 and Groping.

You've seen that?

Okay.

How many of you watched that show?

Don't tell me who gets molested.

I'm taping it.

But apparently when

Josh Duggar was a teenager, he inappropriately touched four of his younger sisters and the babysitter, who he apologized to.

He said, I'm sorry, I thought you were one of my sisters.

Well, to be fair, you can't turn around in that house without inappropriately touching somebody.

There's 19 of these freaks.

And two of the four sisters were on Fox tonight, vigorously defended the brother and endorsed Hastard for president.

What the f ⁇ ?

What is it with white people and molesting?

But

after the, get this, after the parents found out about this activity, they put locks on the sisters' bedroom doors.

You know the person who should have had a lock on the door?

The wife!

The wife!

19 children!

But here's the,

it's their cover story: is that they,

I guess what they're saying is that Josh just touched the girls over their clothes while they were sleeping.

He didn't do something really terrible like try to sell a wedding cake to a homo

and

just touch, they were sleeping.

What's the big deal?

He touched them while they were sleeping.

And if they'd wake up, he'd just go, quick impression, Bill Cosby.

All right, we got a great show.

Rick Lazio, Nina Turner, Ian Bremer are here.

And a little later, I'll be speaking with the always funny Mr.

Lewis Black is backstage.

But first up, he is the former deputy director of the CIA Counterterrorist Center, My Old Job, an FBI national security branch and author of the head game, High Efficiency Analytic Decision Making, Philip Mudd.

Hey, Philip,

how you doing?

Fine.

I've enjoyed you on TV before.

And

we obviously want you here this week because we're very worried about a lot of security issues.

One of them, of course, is the TSA.

We found out that...

Let's start with a good story.

Well, come on.

We found out that 95% in a test from the Red Team, those are the people who try to see if they're doing their job, 95% of contraband bombs, guns, and stuff gets through.

Now, you're the expert.

Is 95% bad?

Are you talking in the private sector and government?

Ah, okay.

Touche.

Now, you know,

let's look at the problem here.

If you're sitting in that chair, let's put you in that seat, because I think

obviously you'd be superb in the position of checking handbags at the airport.

Let's look at this for a minute.

650 million passengers a year.

You get no pay.

It's incredibly boring.

And then you get worked by the Inspector General's team who knows what the vulnerabilities of this system are.

I think if you're in a TSA chair of Transportation Security, you're sitting back saying, hold on a second here.

14 years we've had no aircraft down.

We've radically increased the number of weapons we've taken off airplanes.

And we get worked by the Inspector General who knows our vulnerabilities.

I'm not saying this is good, but I am saying.

Sounds like you are.

Sounds like you're part of the problem.

I am not part of the problem.

You're apologizing for 95%.

No, what I'm saying is: if you're sitting in that chair, you're saying there's multiple metrics here.

One would be: did planes come down?

What you got to do in this situation, though, is step back and say, you've got to recruit people, you got to train them, you got to have sensor systems, you got to break this down and figure out what went wrong.

Yeah,

95% is not so good.

Yeah, I'm pissed off.

I've been putting the weed up my ass.

Okay,

so something,

it must be one of two things.

Either the terrorists are just over-blowing up planes, and they're not trying.

Yeah.

Because certainly.

I think not so much.

Okay, but 95% gets through and nothing and no plane has come down.

I mean, you know what I'm worried about is that they heard about this, the terrorist.

Oh, hell yeah.

And now it's like there's never been a better time to blow up a plane.

That's right.

That's the ad that goes out.

That's right.

So it's either that, that they don't want to, or something else we are doing is preventing this from happening.

Because there's obviously other things in the system that prevent people from getting on a plane.

I mean, we've been at this for 14 years.

Hopefully, we're marginally better than we were on September 12th of 2001.

You've got to think about this as tiers.

You've got to go after the adversary in a place like Pakistan or Afghanistan.

That's what I used to do.

That's capture-kill operations.

You take them out in tier one.

Is that what's preventing it?

A lot of it is.

Is that what's working?

Yeah, because if you take out the leadership of an organization, an organization needs a strategic direction leadership.

The guys they chased in Al-Qaeda were very strategic, very smart.

They were not crazy.

You need somebody like that to create a plan that might take three years to take down an aircraft.

Most of what we got today, if you look at the ISIS guys, is going to be some guy with a weapon in New York who says, I want to behead a policeman.

That's a different game.

Okay.

I want to get to that in a second, but one more question about the TSA, because I don't know why we can't have airport security like Israel does.

Nobody wants.

Are you kidding me?

I mean, Entriel's the size of Delaware.

There's like one airport there.

They profile people, which we don't allow to do in this country.

Should we?

No, I don't think we should.

Really?

No.

People in your,

please, people in your possession.

You love to do it.

And you do it.

You not only love to do it, that's what you do all day, as you should.

All police work is profiling to some degree.

The problem is people can't keep two things in their head at the same time.

One, that the vast majority of Muslims, of course, are not terrorists.

But two, most terrorism comes from Muslims.

Both the things are indisputably true.

Sure.

Correct?

That's correct.

Okay.

So don't tell me that the people in your profession don't profile.

They just don't say it out loud.

Well, but hold on.

And even the liberals who would boo the idea that we're profiling secretly like that you people do it.

But hold on a second.

We profile already.

Look, we profile already.

We profile old people who don't have to take their shoes off.

So we've taken a step in this direction.

What you're talking about is,

like, I suspect, so what you're talking about is, for example, saying in my business, Pakistani Americans, Bangladeshi Americans, Somali Americans, these are typically, if you look at terrorism in the United States or Europe, typically people who might be susceptible for recruitment.

2007, 2008, I'm sitting at the FBI.

Our biggest concern was Somali kids, first generation from Minneapolis, getting recruited to go to Mogadishu.

So if you want to sit here in America, the land of the free and the home of the brave and say, I'm going to put a yellow star on everybody.

Is that what we're saying?

Well, what are you saying then?

We went quite a bit of a leap there to a yellow star.

To be asked.

You want me to pick somebody else?

Just ask her if you ask her questions.

You know what?

I'm Irish American.

If the IRA was conducting a worldwide jihad against Americans, I would not be upset at all if they pulled me out of line and just asked me a few questions as an Irish American.

I'd understand that.

Yeah?

I'm not comfortable with it.

Well,

maybe that's why you don't have the job anymore.

So

let's talk about what you...

They got a guy in Boston this week, a guy named

Osama Rahim.

Okay?

He was tracked on the website, right?

That's how they got onto him.

They saw him, the police, they approached him.

He was going to behead a cop.

He had his beheading knife.

They approached him.

He reached for the knife.

Next thing you know, boom, boom, hello, Virgin.

Okay.

Isn't this the best way to attack terrorism by hanging out on the websites like they were doing yesterday?

The problem is, what you're seeing is one case.

What we got to do, and the business I was in, is you got to boil down an ocean to come up with one case.

That is, if you're talking about 330 million Americans and the FBI director is talking about

50 states, each of which has at least one case,

in states like California and New York, you've got potentially hundreds of cases.

You cannot direct the resources to follow everybody who crops up on the radar.

The kinds of guys in Boston, when you're putting surveillance on the city.

If somebody spends so much money giving cops armored personnel carriers, we'd have the resources.

Maybe the resources are just being badly allocated.

No, I don't agree with that.

Really?

Do you think we need a trillion-dollar defense budget?

No, why don't we spend $13 billion on cybersecurity?

No, what I'm saying is everybody's...

That's where the real threat is.

Everybody who crops up on a website who says something nasty is not somebody I can find.

I got to look for a sign that they've got access to weapons or explosives.

Right.

Look, you go to the DMV, 25% of America's nuts.

I mean, I can't.

Well, there's something I can agree with you on.

I mean, but seriously, the number of people who are cropping up on websites who are susceptible to this ideology is higher than you would expect.

And you've got to figure out which of them merit things like surveillance, because that's a lot of people on the screen.

I appreciate your expertise.

I'm profiling you as a good guest.

Thank you, Philip Mudd.

Shake my hand.

All right.

Thank you, sir.

Let's meet our panel.

Hey.

Okay.

Here they are.

He is the president of the Eurasia Group whose latest book is Superpower, Three Choices for America's Role in the World.

Ian Bremer, Ian, good to have you with us.

She's a former state senator from Ohio who is now an assistant professor at history at

Cuyahoga?

Cuyahoga, you got it there.

Cuyahoga.

You know, I went to Cornell.

That was Caya something, the rubber there.

But this is Ohio.

Ohio, yeah.

It's your community college there.

Nina Turner.

Welcome aboard, Nina.

He's a Republican who knows what it's like to run against Hillary Clinton.

Former U.S.

Representative from New York, current partner at the Jones Walker Law Firm.

Rick Lazio is back with us.

Rick, good to see you again.

Follow me on Facebook, Twitter, Instagram.

Send us your questions for night's overtime so we can answer them after the show on YouTube.

I want to start tonight with an anniversary.

It's the 800th anniversary of the Magna Carta this month.

How many people were planning a big party?

That's right.

Magna Carta is not just a Jay-Z song.

And as a history buff, I love this because, you know, the thread of the Magna Carta is what runs through.

our Fourth Amendment.

Our founders talked a lot about the Magna Carta.

It was signed 1215 A.D.

there in Runnymede, England.

And a lot of the principles, especially in the Fourth Amendment, that the king has to have a very good reason to come into your house, read your mail, or take your Xbox, that

he is not above the law, that a man's home is his castle.

This all comes from Magna Carta.

Just show a little bit of the Magna Carta and then the Fourth Amendment.

I'll show you how close they are.

No free man shall be seized or imprisoned or stripped of his rights or possessions except by the lawful judgment of his equals, by the law of the land.

Look at our Fourth Amendment.

The right of the people to be secure in their persons, houses, papers, and effects against unreasonable searches and seizures shall not be violated but upon probable cause.

It's interesting that this is the week when the Patriot Act, which is the thing that kind of undid the Fourth Amendment.

I mean, we were all on that page from the early 13th century until the day after 9-11.

And now we've finally gone a step toward overturning the Patriot Act.

They did it this week.

And

Edward Snowden had an an op-ed today.

Mr.

Snowden said, we are witnessing the emergence of a post-terror generation, one that rejects a worldview defined by a singular tragedy.

Do you think he's right?

I think it was sort of inevitable that you'd find a new balance this many years after 9-11 when people were quick to kind of focus on making sure that we did everything we possibly could to prevent another attack.

And I think it was a good thing to have a healthy debate on the Patriot Act.

It's been passed previously.

to it.

I think we had a pretty good ⁇ I don't think people should be.

Were you in Congress then?

No.

I was out by the time the first Patriot Act was passed.

But people should not be ⁇ I mean, it is true that it's good that the government is not going to control, although there are only about 43 or 44 people in the government that were reviewing all those telephone logs.

We're not going to have the telephone companies control that.

It's better than the government doing it.

I understand that argument.

On the other hand, people should not be deluded that they don't have a privacy issue.

It just is going to be on the private side now.

Yeah, the phone company is going to do it.

I don't think we would.

Let freedom reign.

I mean, we didn't have a real debate about the Patriot Act.

We really didn't.

I mean, it happened 9-11.

Nerves were fried, and we dealt with it.

People were getting fired.

Right.

I mean, but we were in the heat of the moment.

Yes, I remember.

I do too.

And it was passed.

But maybe it is time to take a step back a little bit.

But I'm going to tell you what really disturbs me about this whole thing, and I know Rand Paul did his thing, but you know, for him to make money

off of his rants over standing up against the Patriot Act really.

What's he doing?

We're making money.

Really?

With the selling of his items for his presidential run.

Oh.

Yeah.

Okay.

He's got to raise it somehow.

Of all the quibbles we could make.

But still, I mean, it would be way down on my list.

Trivialized.

Trivializing.

Trivializing.

But my issue here is I'm not prepared to lionize Snowden in any way, shape, or form.

I'm absolutely delighted that we actually know what's going on.

But, no, I mean, the fact is, I mean, we're actually at virtual war with China right now.

And he went to Hong Kong, and then he went to Russia, where he sits today, and the notion that none of that information is going to countries that have none of the rights,

let's not talk about the Fourth Amendment, but none of the rights that we enjoy in this country.

I'm delighted that we've taken one small step to get away from the extraordinary overreaction this country made after 9-11, but let's not pretend that we're actually focusing on the big issue out there, which is that we are actually at virtual war with a country that's soon to be the largest economy in the world.

Well, when you say virtual war, you mean you're referring to what happened today when the Chinese hacked into our system, they took the, I think, the

government, yeah.

I mean, this is

not good.

Virtual is not good.

It's certainly better than nuclear war.

Absolutely.

Or hot war.

We would never, I mean, we can't.

But yes, that's where the next fight is.

I mean, someday you're going to wake up and you're going to find out your retirement account is empty.

And, you know,

the nice OmStar voice in your car will say, pull over.

It now belongs to a Russian teenager named Dmitry.

I'll tell you what.

That's why I say, I was telling him, we should spend more than $13 billion on that when most of the money goes to fight Russia in 1980.

You're both right.

It's incredibly important.

I would say in almost all major corporate boards now, they're spending an increasing amount of time talking about cybersecurity.

Definitely at Sony.

Yes, definitely at Sony.

But among a number of companies, and it's not just a privacy issue, it's also a viability issue for a company.

I mean, the ability to manipulate a nuclear reactor from a remote location is a form of cybersecurity.

But when Mr.

Snowden says we are in a post-terror generation, I feel like we're in a post-terror generation until there's another attack.

Yeah,

you know, I think we are one attack away from President Lindsey Graham.

And I say that because Lindsey Graham is one of the four candidates who got in last week.

And Lindsey Graham is the one who unabashedly says, if you don't like war, don't vote for me.

He said that.

They asked him.

They said,

aren't the American people tired of war?

He said, then don't vote for me.

He wants war everywhere.

He is always shitting his pants about ISIS.

Oh, y'all?

No, no, no.

No, I'm not.

Definitely not.

I mean,

they are a problem.

We get that they're a problem, but my God, are we going to fight our way out of everything?

What I want to deal with is what's happening domestically, how we don't take care of folks and the dreams of the people in this country.

I'm tired of it.

There's always a boogeyman.

Yeah.

And you know what?

I saw this week fighting with the ISIS is now fighting against the Taliban.

They beheaded 10 Taliban.

And they're fighting with Assad.

Assad is giving cover for them.

Okay.

What I'm saying is we can't even tell from week to week who's on whose side.

Shouldn't we just get out?

Can't we sit this one out?

And this is what your book is about, right?

That we have to stop seeing ourselves as indispensable.

Well, my point is that we have candidates now that are saying that we see ourselves as indispensable.

John McCain wants to bomb a lot of countries, but if you ask me, would those policies lead to different outcomes on the ground?

No.

No one's prepared to stand up and actually say the American people are prepared to pay the tab to truly destroy ISIS.

We can talk about destroying ISIS, but we're not going to actually do it.

Of course not, because it's an idea.

I hear them on the media always talk this week about, is ISIS operational in the United States?

Well, not in the sense that they have a recruitment office, but in the sense that it's an idea.

Of course, an idea is, as long as there's an internet and lots of people who think jihad is a good idea, it's operational in the U.S.

You don't need a structure.

I mean, it's a reality that we have to deal with, but there's some other realities we have to deal with.

Much bigger realities.

I mean, people don't get up for decent, they get up for good and for great, and it's funny how we can come together to fight boogeymen in other places, but we can't come together to do what is right for the citizens of this country.

I want to see some of those tax dollars bills spent right here.

I'm sick of it.

You know that we spent $4 billion building roads in Afghanistan?

Right.

And the trains here can't get far from the bank.

Right, that's right.

Falling apart.

$3 trillion on the wars in Iraq and Afghanistan.

Since the Soviet Union has collapsed, the biggest damage that's been done to the United States has been that wrought on us by ourselves following 9-11.

And most Americans understand that, and they're reacting to it.

I mean, he wants to get into Syria.

Leggy Graham does.

This is why he and McCain make beautiful music together, because they're in hand-to-hand on this.

He wants to fight Assad and ISIS in Syria.

I hear all these Republicans talking about we should be supporting the rebel groups in Syria.

Can you name a rebel group that we should be supporting?

Hillary tried that.

Can anyone name a rebel group that we should be supporting?

No.

Because I can't.

There's a number of rebel groups.

So there's obviously in

the government of Syria, obviously, Saad.

We're with them now.

Yeah, no, no.

no, we're not with them.

We're not with them.

Syria is Assad Mustafa.

Stop talking out loud about how we're against them.

Right, well, with them before.

We were against them before we were in the middle of the moment.

No,

I don't think there's any confusion about the fact that we do not want Assad back.

I mean, here's the thing.

You know, we do want Assad.

We just won't say it out loud.

Our official policy is either Assad or ISIS.

Our official policy remains Assad must go.

We have no intention of actualizing that.

But

what do you do in the hypothetical, okay, the hypothetical?

That ISIS does consolidate, expand, the Saudis fall, they control

the Saudis fall, okay?

We're talking about a 10 or 15 or 20 year operation, and all of a sudden

Israel is encircled, okay, with people that want to be able to do it.

No, no, no,

no, no, in a way where we have complete commitment to annihilate them.

So then what's our role now?

What do we do then?

First of all, Israel probably could take care of ISIS if they had to.

If they wanted to.

They're a lot closer and they don't feel the need to do it.

So why do we?

Who do you think ISIS wants to get first?

We're going to inevitably go in in that scenario.

The problem is that...

Look, ISIS is a threat to the United States, don't get me wrong, but let's be clear.

ISIS is a vastly greater threat to, let's say, France, where 8% of the population is Muslim.

ISIS is a vastly greater threat to Turkey, where there are 2 million refugees from the Syrian war that are sitting there right now that we're not paying for.

We're not taking them on board.

There have been 4 million refugees from Syria.

We've taken less than 1,000.

That number to me seems small.

It's if the Statue of Liberty didn't exist.

But it's very hard to make the argument that the United States should be paying

the large piece of this in blood and treasure when none of the people in the region are really prepared to step up.

So why haven't we created that alliance?

That's the answer.

That's the question.

Why have we not created that alliance?

You're absolutely right.

Turkey's got a large stake in this.

France.

Because we never let them do it themselves.

We never take off the training wheels.

I've said this before on this show.

I once added up all the people in all the armies that say in all the countries that they're against ISIS, it's 5 million men.

ISIS has, what, 30 or 40,000?

You mean the 5 million people from Turkey and Saudi Arabia and Jordan and Egypt, they all couldn't get together and handle this if they had to?

Of course they could, if they had an existential threat.

But Uncle Sugar is always there having their back.

They're not happy.

They don't believe we have their back today, to be fair.

And the Saudis...

No, no, the Saudis.

It's a reason they didn't show up for that summit that Obama put together.

But their willingness to not just put troops on the ground, their willingness to talk to mullahs within the countries and say, we will not tolerate for you to continue to proselytize radical Islam.

They aren't doing that.

And until they do, I don't care what we send over there, it's not going to work.

That's what worries me about Indispensable America.

Maybe if they got taken over, we'd have to get off the oil.

Okay.

Moving on.

It is graduation month, and we've done this before on this show.

If anybody here is graduating or knows someone who's graduating this month, a very joyous occasion.

And at the graduation ceremonies, the students have taken to writing little messages on their caps, like thanks, mom and dad, I love you, or hire me, that's a very popular one.

It always seems impossible until it's done.

Well, in these difficult times, the millennials, you know, they write different things on their caps that are a little more pointed, but you like to see some of the ones we took pictures of.

For example,

if you can read this, you obviously didn't go here.

Thanks, mom, and the woman who used to be dad.

Hire me, or I'll join ISIS.

Oh, right there.

We do need to do something.

PhD in science, but willing to deny global warming.

Texaco, call me.

Thank you, Sigma Alpha Epsilon, for not raping me.

We'll work for Adderall.

Clueless, incompetent TSA, hire me.

Zero student debt.

Thanks, SugarDaddies.com.

And come loud, I assured you.

All right,

that one's always a winner.

He He is a comedian and writer who stars as the character Anger in the new Pixar film Inside Out, opening in theaters June 19th.

Lois Black is over here.

Lois Black.

How are you, my friend?

He's looking good.

You're looking good for someone who's older than Bruce Jenner.

Not Bruce Jenner, Caitlin Jenner.

So you got to do that again.

So did you ever think you'd be on this show plugging yourself in a blockbuster cartoon movie?

No.

No.

That is

that never, even

doing acid is my you.

I wouldn't have never, the vision never came.

And it says, and it says something about the niche that you have carved out for yourself because you play a character called anger.

That you are so associated.

You so own anger that when even the Pixar people, the cartoon people said, yeah, we got a character named Lewis Black.

Nobody else on our list, get Lewis Black.

Now, are you really as angry as that?

You don't seem like you really are.

You get me a newspaper at about 10 o'clock with one of those things that you know and I know set us off.

Right.

I can be gone by 10.03.

You know, you go, really?

Right.

Really?

Really?

This is, you know, you read the newspaper now.

But you're doing it now.

I know.

I can tell you.

I know I'm upset.

I see.

It's rising.

Well, it's when you read the thing, you go, am I reading fiction?

Right, exactly.

If this was fiction, this would be a good day.

This is real.

Right.

And

are you okay with being so associated with this one?

I guess you are now that you got a big part in a big movie.

Well, you know,

I tour the country as a comic.

I made a really good living off of it.

I was just in Europe touring, and I heard that you were there a lot.

Yeah,

I was there last summer.

And you love it.

It was really, it was great.

They're great, right?

The audience,

I started every show by saying, first of all, I apologize.

I'm speaking my language in your country because I'm a victim of American education.

It's amazing that not only can they all speak perfect English, I mean, I did shows in Amsterdam, I did them in Oslo, I did them in Stockholm, but they get every nuance.

You don't have to tailor your act.

You don't have to do anything.

Just do your act.

Yeah, you do your act.

Sometimes you have to tailor your act if you're like in Toledo.

Right.

But you didn't really have to do it there.

Yeah, right.

It was really.

But I got to say one thing.

Oh, stop.

Oh, stop.

Oh, yeah, she's from Ohio.

That's Ohio.

I just played Toledo.

Yeah, they could have been anywhere.

Don't cut into my joke, Tom.

Yeah, but

I get a few of these in.

But I got to say, you know,

until you get up to something up close, you don't really understand.

I took the train from Stockholm to Oslo.

It's Amtrak.

I've always heard Europe, you know, everything is gleaming and perfect in that shape.

Not everything.

Not everything.

It's exactly Amtrak.

It's slow, it makes a million stops.

It looks like it's from 1950 in the inside.

There's no food.

So, exactly.

And I went, I can't believe you brought that it up.

Oh, there, Europe.

Because I went from Oslo to Trondheim, which is a, which

is, and Trondheim is in Norway, but as a Jew, there's still kind of a

Trondheim.

Doesn't sound, sounds a little Germanic.

But the exact same thing.

The train is, and it also says the most beautiful train ride you'll ever take.

And so I get on the train, and

you don't get on the train, it's a two-hour bus ride because that part of the track is under construction.

So we take a bus two hours to get to the train where there's, I'm looking for water.

There's no water on the train, and there's another six hours.

And

every, and you're passing through this beautiful countryside, but there's sheep everywhere.

And so they blast this horn indiscriminately.

So you can never, you can't, it's like, get it.

And then you kind of settle in and get it!

And you just, and then there's another sheep.

So it just got to be brutal after a while.

I thought, wow, and it made me pine for Amtrak.

All right.

Well, speaking of sheep, another thing we have in common,

another thing we have in common is we're both lifelong bachelors.

Yes.

Not that we're fucking sheep.

That's not really where I was going.

But

I'm just wondering, because, you know, I remember back in the 90s having to sort of stand up for people who wanted to just not get married.

I've become less vocal about it because I think the country has changed.

And now we're in a place where anything's okay.

Caitlin Jenner is cool and I feel if that's cool then there should be no stigma about people like us who wanted to spend our whole life as bachelors, right?

Good luck.

You think there's still a stigma?

We need a movement?

We're going to need something.

I mean, you know, because you're still going to get it.

I still get it, you know,

when people come up to me like in an airport and a couple comes up and they and to say hi and oh, you're not angry all the time.

And

they'll say,

Are you married?

And I go, no, I'm single.

And they give you

like, oh, a look of

what a sad little man.

Why do you breathe?

Why do you breathe?

Why are you even taking up space here?

Well, that's that's

that's so wrong because I feel like with the with this Caitlin Jenner thing, which you know again, we're all like struggling a little bit to understand it completely.

We're for it, whatever makes a man happy, but I mean, I mean, a woman happy.

But, but that's the thing.

He says he wants to date women, but he has a penis.

Yeah,

but he's dressed like Betty Grable on the cover of the.

Yeah.

Is he a lesbian?

You answer that.

I am prepared to wait till hell freezes over for your answer, sir.

Is he a Lewis?

You, Louis Black, answer that question.

Wow.

I don't know why he has to answer.

Boy, I haven't.

I talk to it before.

All I know is that

gay seems so simple now.

Well, gay's easy.

Gay's the new straight.

Yeah.

It is.

It's not even hip anymore.

They just want to get married.

What Caitlin's doing.

That's tits and Dick and Social Security.

That's,

you know,

that's where the cutting edge is.

I have to say,

when I was in Copenhagen, they have different advertising, you know, than we do here, outdoor advertising.

Like,

you know, there was this advertising for breast enhancement on a bus, and it was the most beautiful breasts I've ever seen in my life.

And I have to say, for a moment,

and I wanted them for myself.

Right.

I wanted that surgery for me.

Because you're a sad little man.

All right.

So let me ask you.

No, I was about Caitlin Jenner because you're a Northeast Republican, which, you know, those are the sane ones.

There's been an awful lot of pushback against Caitlin Jenner this week from Mike Hockabee and Rush Limbaugh, the usual suspects.

What do you think?

No, he's a Republican.

caitlin jenner she is

yes yes you're a screw-up you're a screw-up

yeah she's a republican republican party should welcome her to the fold really yes absolutely at the convention

yes this

what are the allies we're going to see

republicans want if they want to be a governing majority 60 this is different than transgender but 61 percent of young Republicans favor same-sex marriage.

43% of Republicans under 49.

So the stereotype that Republicans are against same-sex marriage is wrong.

They may hear it from their leaders occasionally on public TV, but that's not the rank and file.

Don't you need to embrace Hispanics as Republicans before you can get to transgender?

Yes, yes, that's the other deal.

Yes, very good.

But

those Republicans that you voted, they are not the ones running for office.

I mean, I would would love to see

the RNC is going to be held in

Cleveland

in Cleveland, and they need to allow Caitlin Jenner there to speak right there in good old Cleveland, Ohio.

But you know what?

We'll take her.

I want her to become a Democrat.

Caitlin, call a sister if you want to run for office.

I got your back.

Okay.

I got your back.

I don't know if that's kind of because, you know, look, people from both sides of the aisle have said for years, we are in a state in this country, we are too partisan.

And I think this week was the ultimate example example of that because I saw the red team

get their backup about the Duggar guy.

So they were basically brushing off child molestation because he's one of them and attacking Caitlin Jenner because that's the blue team.

They need to seek help.

Right, but you were either on like team transgender or team molester.

And I think

we won this one.

I think we look good on this one.

But okay, let me ask about the Duggars because to me these are the biggest freaks in the world.

I mean I don't know if you've ever seen this show

but the father, the father of 19 and he's always leering because he's married to the wife.

19 kids and he still wants to get in there.

This is

the sickest, freakiest thing.

This is like plate men think this is six.

People who want to get punched in the face think this is weird.

If it was like

but once again, it's like fiction and reality.

If this was

a fictional show about 19, a family of 19 out on the prairie during the Homestead Act and you need this many kids to farm, then this thing would work.

Then I could watch.

How did it go?

Why this long, though?

I mean, how do you have a show that has 19 kids that goes this long without having some form of serious transgression or felony?

I mean, just with those numbers, something bad is going to happen.

Well, and also,

how selfish is it in this day and age to have 19 children?

This, I mean,

no?

I mean, why is that selfish?

Why is that selfish?

Because we have a population issue.

You've never read the statistic that if everyone lived as an American, we would need five planet Earths for the resources.

It's because they read in their dusty old stupid book things like, be fruitful and multiply, which made sense when there was eight people on earth.

But does it now?

It's beyond selfish.

You're not going to blame the children, right?

I mean, they're...

Well, I'm not going to blame.

No, I'm blaming the parents.

Okay, well, I mean,

they can have ninth children.

And one child.

Well, they shouldn't.

One child.

But the parents have one child.

I mean,

but they're having two for you and two, so there's really nothing.

That's right.

That's right.

Anytime you sexually repress, as religion always does, this is what happens.

Whose religion?

Sexually oppressive?

Everybody's religion.

Okay.

To a degree, sexually represses.

But they want us to be food for a multiply.

Parents don't sex.

That's the paradox.

They hate sex, but have as many kids as you want.

Right.

Well,

you got to have both going on.

Well, yes, but only within the confines of marriage.

But, you know, they wear the prairie outfit sometimes, just like the Muslims wear the burqas.

burqas.

Do you know that ISIS this week banned pigeon flying?

I'm not joking.

Did you see this?

I saw this.

Pigeons.

How good is their eyesight, by the way?

Because

ISIS bans pigeon breeding, punishable by public flothing, because seeing birds' genitals overhead offends Islam.

I mean, why are they staring at you?

Wow.

Why are they staring at you?

I've seen lots of pigeons flying.

I've never noticed their balls once.

And you're wise.

But wait a minute.

But this is not that different.

That's a great thing.

This is not that different than the Duggars.

Well, but think about this now.

There's an alternative to drones.

If we can list those pigeons to crap all over them.

All right.

It's just not that different.

When you're sexually repressed, I mean, how fucked up do you have to be to be worried about a pigeon for Isis?

You should not be looking up when they're a pigeon.

Yeah, okay.

I don't even notice the genitals when I'm like a foot away from it.

Where's that pigeon's nuts?

Next time someone sees you in an airport, they're going to, would you like a pigeon, Mr.

Black?

Okay.

So Hillary Clinton, this, yesterday, today, was talking about registering every single American 18 years old to vote unless they opt out.

I don't know why we haven't done this already.

Amen to that.

And I got to, you know,

I got to give it to the Republicans.

With a straight face, they keep talking about the problem of voter fraud.

But, you know, this has been studied.

They have a hard time finding any of it.

They did a big study in 2012, 10 out of 146 million.

That's how many people in-person voter fraud.

These are the anti-voter laws that lots, and Hillary named the name name.

She said Rick Perry did this.

The court struck down his law as anti-minority.

Scott Walker prevents college kids from voting.

You know, you can't vote in the state.

It's a different state where you're from, where you go to college.

Jeb Bush purged the rolls.

Chris Christie, early voting wouldn't allow that in New Jersey.

Come on.

Republicans cheat.

That's their strength.

To win an election

is to cheat.

Beat them, you got to cheat them.

It's cheating, right?

That's how they run.

There's no other way around it.

It's cheating.

There's one study that shows that you have a greater chance of being struck by lightning than you do for somebody to impersonate, walk in and in person,

impersonate somebody at the ballot box.

I mean, this is nothing more than if you can't beat them, you cheat them.

And that is exactly what they're doing.

Okay.

But wait, so one of her criticisms is that states shouldn't have a single day of voting, right?

They should have 20 or more days.

20 minimally.

Her home state, which I'm quite familiar with, she was a senator from New York, has one date.

Well, she's working in 10 years.

Yeah, but why was he not saying anything about it when she was in a position as an authority to do something?

Well, she did something when she was

in the Senate.

I mean, it's campaign time.

But no, no, this is bigger than campaign.

No, look, if she's not going to take

a question, she's not going to take any questions.

If she's not going to take any questions, this is an easy layup.

There's no question.

And she's not ready to take questions.

She doesn't want to do difficult issues.

Don't say that she doesn't want to do difficult issues.

I mean, she has been the senator of New York, the Secretary of State.

She does difficult issues all the time.

She doesn't answer them.

She's already

right there talking about TPP.

But this is off the point.

The point is about voting.

Right, Mr.

Speaker.

And the point is about voting and not Hillary, who can give a shit.

The point is to discuss in voting.

That's all.

And the fact is, you can't even get people who want to vote to vote.

There's your character, Anger.

It's true.

That's true.

That's the real scandal.

Thank you, Anger and Panel.

You are terrific, but it's time for new roles.

All right, new role.

Now that America has helped the rest of the world address the problems at FIFA, it has to help the rest of the world address an even bigger world problem, speedoes on their beaches.

Here's how it's going to work.

If there are too many Speedoes on your beaches this summer, sanctions will be drawn up and enforced.

But if you combine a Speedo with gold chains, we invade.

That's it.

New rules, now that Dennis Hastert can be added to the list of those who pushed for the impeachment of Bill Clinton, then later got busted for their own sex scandals, along with Newt Gingrich, Bob Livingston, and Henry Hyde.

From now on, the four of them must be referred to as the Impeachable.

Maybe you could be in that one, too.

New rule, Cameron Crowe doesn't have to apologize for casting Emma Stone as an Asian in his new movie.

There's nothing inherently racist about having a white person play an Asian.

Just ask Jerry Lewis and Mickey Rooney.

New rule, if you're banning pigeon breeding as ISIS did,

Because the sight of their genitalia as they fly overhead is offensive to Islam, you've got bigger problems than the infidel.

Pigeons are harmless and take flight the moment they're startled.

No, wait, that's the Iraqi army.

Either way, why not embrace the more obvious, rational solution, fitting the pigeons with tiny little pigeon burkas?

Neural, someone has to pull Chris Christie aside.

Someone has to pull Chris Christie aside and tell him the lap band goes on the inside.

This is a real picture of something Chris Christie did sober and on purpose

this week at a charity event, a charity event to turn women into lesbians.

Sammy Sosa, meet Sammy Sofa.

Hey, make fun of how Christie looks all you want.

He did hit a double, and it's nice to hear about a conservative getting to second base this week besides Josh Duggar.

Anyway.

And finally, New Rural conservatives who constantly whine that Christianity is under attack from liberals have to explain why there are over 300,000 churches in the U.S., but only 400 Whole Foods.

Clearly, your side is winning.

Now, I understand it.

Christians love to feel persecuted.

It's part of their origin story.

But we're a long way from them getting eaten by lions in the Coliseum.

70% of the country's Christian, not to mention every president we've ever had.

So please tell me, in what universe do the following statements make sense?

Mike Huckabee says we are moving rapidly toward the criminalization of Christianity.

Ted Cruz says there's no room for Christians in today's Democratic Party.

What?

80% of Democrats in Congress are Christian, and 78% of Democratic governors.

You can look this shit up, you know.

Ted also also said, there is a liberal fascism that is going after Christian believers.

Going after?

Fascism?

I don't even believe in Christ, but for Christ's sake,

martyr much?

Bill O'Reilly says, if you're a Christian or a white man in the USA, it's open season on you.

Yes, that explains all those recent videos of police shooting unarmed white clergymen.

Rick Santorum says the treatment of Christians in America is so bad.

We should keep in mind Nazi Germany, where you go from Christians, Jews obviously, but also Christians being not just persecuted, but put to death.

Again,

70% of America is Christian.

Who's going to put them to death?

The Hindus?

This idea that everybody on the left is plotting against Christianity and wants to wipe out religion is offensive to me

because I'm the only media figure with a show week in and week out that says that.

And I'll be damned if the credit's going to go to the entire left when I'm doing all the heavy lifting.

Well,

hey,

actually,

there are two others who have been my allies in this.

Because that's the rule in America.

You can mock religion if you're a cartoon dog

or a child in a cartoon.

But when Jeb Bush says, how strange in our own time to hear Christianity spoken of as some sort of backward and oppressive force,

who else is talking about it that way?

Is it Nancy Nancy Pelosi?

No.

Harry Reid?

No.

Obama.

He says he wakes up to scripture on his BlackBerry.

Obama does every show on TV except this one because he can't even be seen with an atheist.

I gave him a million dollars.

He treats me like I lent him a million dollars.

So who?

Who are we talking about?

Hillary?

No.

Bill?

Biden?

Al Gore?

Al Franken?

Elizabeth Warren?

Jesse Jackson?

Who?

Nobody.

That's who?

Sean Hannity says: the liberal media's war against religion is alive and well.

Okay, so it's more of the media thing, like my friend Ariana from the Liberal Huffington Post,

because she's written three books about faith.

I know, because we argue about it after sex.

Is it the liberal gang at MSNBC?

Because I've never heard any of them say anything anti-religion.

One of them is a reverend.

One of them attacks me when I attack religion.

Is it the late night guys?

Because I never hear any of them do it either.

Is it Ellen or Rosie or Chelsea?

We know it's not Oprah.

Michael Moore, he's the liberal Republicans hate the most.

No, he's a Catholic.

This guy's so Catholic, he teaches Sunday school on Sunday.

In the morning, when normal people are just getting in from an after party.

I really want to know, where is religion belittled in the liberal world?

The New York Times editorial page?

No.

The Times op-ed page?

No.

Any newspapers, any page?

No.

News Week and Time?

They put Jesus on the cover more often than Cat Fancy puts a cat.

Are we talking about athletes?

If they so much as fart on the field, they point to the sky and give God credit.

Football players have prayer circles after the game, and only half of them have the excuse of brain damage.

So who?

Who?

I'm getting mad like you.

It's catching.

Maybe they mean counterculture types like devilish musicians.

Really?

Have you ever watched an award show?

Every speech is, I want to thank Jesus, without whom I never would have written face down ass up.

Thank you very much.

I'm glad I got that off my chest.

I'll be at the Model Center in Baltimore, July 11th.

Pike Speak Center in Colorado Springs, July 17th, and the Bushnell in Hartford, July 24th.

I want to thank Ian Bremer, Nina Turner, Rick Laszlia, Lewis Black, and Philip Mudd.

Cut us down overtime on YouTube.

Thank you, folks.

You were great.

All new episodes of Real Time with Bill Maher every Friday night at 11 or watch him anytime on HBO On Demand.

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