Bonus Bill (Originally aired 6/5/15)

Now it's time for Real Time 2.0.

Your chance to listen in behind the scenes to the real-time monologue jokes America didn't hear.

Thank you.

Thank you, Belle.

Wow, what a crowd.

Oh, you're very kind.

Thank you.

Wow, good crowd, huh?

Yeah, I can see that.

Hot.

Smoke some, Bill.

Smoke some, Bill.

That is a character I play on TV, sir.

I've never touched this stuff, but I'd like to try it one day.

They say you're never too old to try new things, so I don't.

Anyway.

so a lot of news going on.

There are so many new Republicans who have joined since we went away for a couple weeks.

Mentioned Rick Perry, who, by the way, not a bright man.

When he announced today, he threw his ring into the hat.

Not a bright man.

Yeah, he...

He announced at a military base in front of all these military guys and veterans, and someone held up a sign that said, we support the OOPS.

Okay, so he's in.

Then remember Rick Santorum from 2012?

He's back in.

And get this, Rick Santorum, super duper Catholic, is mad at the Pope because the Pope wants to do something but climate change.

What an asshole.

And Rick Santorum said, better off leaving science to the scientists.

Rick Santorum didn't know this.

I have to admit, I didn't know this either.

But this is true.

The Pope has a master's degree in chemistry.

I didn't know that.

I know.

In fact, he's such a good chemist, he figured out how to actually change water into wine.

You don't have to do the magic trick anymore.

Also, joining the race while we were gone, George Pataki.

I know.

George Pataki, so obscure he has to wear a George Pataki button at home.

Or else his wife thinks they're being robbed by a large, boring white man.

And finally, the guy who got in, I'm very excited about this, Lindsey Graham, Senator Lindsey Graham said, made the decision after long, heartfelt family discussions with his wife, John McCain.

And he said, it's about time we had a southerner in the White House who had absolutely no interest in the female interns.

And you know,

look, poor Lindsay undergoes a lot of rumors about being gay, only because he's super gay.

I know.

The only reason.

Now, Lindsay, the guy who's always talking about how scared he is of ISIS, his campaign logo is a stained pair of underpants.

At the announcement, get this, at the announcement, he was introduced by his sister, who said Lindsey Graham was like a father and a mother rolled into one.

And

Kylie Jenner said, Tell me about it.

One more.

You know, all these, and listen to this, coming in the next two weeks, five more.

Probably Trump, definitely Jeb Bush, Bobby Jindal.

There'll be 15 people.

And they all have to go through this charade of forming an exploratory committee.

I'd love it once if the exploratory committee came back and gave them the answer: fuck no, don't run.

You're an asshole.

Nobody wants you

the answer from the exploratory committee is always run because it's either this or get a job

so what else went oh big week in child molesting

not for me personally

Just was a big week, okay?

First there was former Speaker Thou's Dennis Hastert.

He was a former wrestling coach,

who they found out when he was a wrestling coach, was, you know, whatever.

So, and he was also a former tobacco lobbyist.

Boy,

child molester, congressman, tobacco lobbyist.

If I had to choose one to take off my resume,

I'd be kind of stumped, I have to tell you.

And of course, you're familiar with the Duggar family and their show, 19 and Groping.

Yeah, and yesterday, Michelle and Bob, the parents, they went on Fox News to explain the whole matter.

And they said the hard part was all the shameful lies.

But they went on Fox News anyway.

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