Bonus Bill (Originally aired 5/15/15)

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Now it's time for Real Time 2.0.

Your chance to listen in behind the scenes to the real-time monologue jokes America didn't hear.

Okay,

sick your pretty asses down.

What a crowd, huh?

What a...

Why are they so happy today?

Oh, well, busy.

Thank you very much.

Did you tell him I got over cancer or something?

Thank you very much.

It's getting old.

That's what it is.

You get old and people are like, hey, he's still alive.

Let's give him a big restaurant.

I think that's really what it is.

Jeb Bush fucking shit the bed this week.

It was so great to see.

They asked him a question he should have known was coming.

You know, knowing what we know now, that was the question, knowing what we know now about Iraq, would you have done what your brother George did at invade?

And

you know what?

Maury Povrich does not have to do the DNA test.

He's a Bush.

Oh, yes.

He's a Bush.

And then, of course, all week he's trying to walk it back.

Every day he had a new story.

Next day he said, oh, I meant to say, knowing what my brother George knew,

we're lucky we didn't nuke Canada.

That's what I meant to say.

And Jeb is supposed to be the smart one.

Clearly, some families don't have a smart one.

But this train is such a tragedy.

The derailed Amtrak train was going twice the speed limit it should have around a curve, and the engineer doesn't remember anything about what happened.

It makes you wonder why they let Lindsey Lowen drive a train in the first place.

Why?

And listen to this.

Hours after the accident, Republicans voted to cut Amtrak's funding.

Yeah, what's the logic there?

If that train didn't have any money, this never would have happened.

But now that Republicans know that high-speed rail can kill people, they can think of it as a weapon and fund it.

Oh, yeah, you see, the NFL came down hard on Tom Brady, four-game suspension.

Somebody described it as throwing the rule book at him.

And Tom Brady said, this is a rule book?

So big news out from a poll this week.

A survey, this is a massive survey was done about people's religion in America.

The number of people identifying as Christian has dropped dramatically, and the number of people with no religious affiliation has gone up a lot.

Ladies and gentlemen, the surge is working.

It's weird.

It's like God has answered my prayers.

Yeah, only 70% of people now in America say they're Christian.

In 2007, that number was 78%.

Did I mention religious came out in 2008?

Now,

speaking of irrational stuff and polls, a poll came out this week talking about Jade Helm 15.

We talked about it on our show last week.

Jade Helm 15 is a routine military exercise going on in the Southwest that the teabaggers in Texas think is a plot by Obama to invade and take over Texas.

And now, one-third of Republicans in America believe this is true, that Obama is invading and taking over Texas.

I'm not saying a full one-third of this party are paranoid nuts, but they also want a constitutional amendment to, quote, get the spiders off my arm.

Now, here's my favorite scandal of the week.

Governor Chris Christie of New Jersey, you're familiar?

This is my home state.

This is too easy, Governor Christie.

Governor Christie has spent $300,000 taxpayer dollars in his five years in office on food.

Food, alcohol, and desserts.

He spent $76,000 on grocery runs to Wegman Supermarket.

Chris Christie shops at grocery stores like Michael Jackson used to shop at toy stores.

They just close the store down to the public so he can go in and have his way.

Oh my gosh.

300 bread entrance.

Get this.

He spent $82,000 on the concession stand at Giants and Jets football games.

What I call inflate gate.

All right.

Thank you very much.

I appreciate your patience.

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