Bonus Bill (Originally aired 5/8/15)

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Now it's time for Real Time 2.0.

Your chance to listen in behind the scenes to the real-time monologue jokes America didn't hear.

Thank you very much.

Well.

Okay, sounds like a great crowd, Hano?

There's a lot going on in the news this week.

I'm sure you're fans of the presidential race.

The Republicans got three more people in it today.

No, they did.

Carly Fiorina.

What a groundswell for Carly Fiorina.

She is the former CEO of Hewlett-Packard, ran for Senate out here in 2010.

Now, there's a lot of cynicism about that candidacy.

Not me.

I am not a cynic.

Others.

Other cynics are saying she's just doing it because she wants to be somebody's vice presidential pick.

They asked her about that today, and she said, absolutely not.

I'm not in it.

Why?

Is there an offer?

And then still more, these cynics, ooh, where are these people?

They're saying that she's just in it so that the Republicans will have someone on the debate stage who can attack Hillary, because that's the rule.

You have to have a woman to attack a woman.

Then when she attacks Hillary, then the other Republican men on the debate stage, then they can guam on, and then they have permission to attack Hillary.

Or

as Republicans call it, feminism.

But

I don't know if Carly's campaign is going to go that far, because listen to this.

This is true.

Carly did not buy, and what does it cost, like 20 bucks, 50 bucks, didn't buy the Carlyfiorina.org domain name, which of course now went to one of her critics.

So

turns out she's almost as good at the internet as she was at computers.

Now,

the other entrant on the Republican side, Dr.

Ben Carson.

Dr.

Ben, once again, eh?

No love for Dr.

Ben Carson.

Well, what's interesting about Dr.

Ben Carson, he is a brilliant brain surgeon who also thinks the earth is 6,000 years old and doesn't believe in evolution.

So apparently he can perform a lobotomy on himself,

which is interesting.

But he's important on the right because the Republicans now have what they want, a black man running.

And given all the recent police violence lately, it's very brave to have a black man running anywhere.

Also, this week, Hillary unveiled her immigration plan, even more liberal than people thought.

Hillary, surprising a lot of people.

They were expecting mild, and she gave them caliente.

Yeah.

Not to be outdone on the right, Ted Cruz, who last week blamed the Baltimore riots on Obama for being a racial divider, he said.

Ted Cruz, who is half Cuban, spoke to the Hispanic Chamber of Commerce, and he is the best panderer in politics.

He said, I don't think I've ever seen a Hispanic panhandler.

He said that.

Ted, have you ever been to a beach in Mexico?

That would be my only question, because I have seen a Hispanic panhandler.

No disrespect, but I have feeling.

Now, of course, the other big story people are talking about this week.

You heard about what happened in Garland, Texas.

This provocative woman was having this contest to draw a cartoon of the Prophet Muhammad, and right on cue,

two Islamic terrorists showed up and tried to shoot the place and then were shot by a cop.

But ISIS now is taking credit for this attack, taking credit.

These two guys came in, they didn't kill anybody, and they got shot.

I don't mean to tell you your business, ISIS, but if anybody needs beheading, it's your PR guy.

ISIS also tweeted today that they have now, they say, 71, quote, trained soldiers here in America.

Wow.

71 well-funded religious fanatics dedicated to destroying our way of life.

Or am I thinking of the Republican presidential field?

Yes.

Oh, I kid the Republicans.

Oh, good humor.

But no, one of the, it's interesting, one of the terrorists who they shot in Texas this week, he had tried to go to Somalia to commit jihad, and we stopped him, as we've done in the past.

Why do we keep doing this?

Why are we stopping them from going to Somalia to do violence?

This is the only job we won't outsource.

Go!

Enjoy!

We're going about this all wrong.

We should have a please fly list.

All right, thank you very much.

We're into the new roll.

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