Bonus Bill (Originally aired 5/1/15)

Say hello to the next generation of Zendesk AI agents, built to deliver resolutions for everyone.

Loved by over 10,000 companies, Zendesk AI agents easily deploy in minutes to resolve 30% of interactions instantly.

That's the Zendesk AI Effect.

Find out more at Zendesk.com.

This episode is brought to you by Progressive Insurance.

Fiscally responsible, financial geniuses, monetary magicians.

These are things people say about drivers who switch their car insurance to progressive and save hundreds.

Visit progressive.com to see if you could save.

Progressive Casualty Insurance Company and affiliates.

Potential savings will vary, not available in all states or situations.

Now it's time for Real Time 2.0.

Your chance to listen in behind the scenes to the real-time monologue jokes America didn't hear.

Thank you very much.

Thank you.

You can sit down.

Thank you very much.

Good crowd, Bill.

Out-of-towners?

Are you out of towners?

Where are my LA people?

have.

All right.

After 20 years, L.A.

is no longer the riot city.

Yeah!

Now, the good news in Baltimore is the unrest looks like it has subsided.

No more looting, no more burning of cars, or as they call it when white kids do it, celebrating.

But the residents there say they've had enough violence, but they say the violence sent a very powerful message.

and that message was, we hate CVS.

And

we are glad we burned that place down, boys.

We will burn it down again, given the chance.

That's the real war on drugs.

No, you don't want to burn down a CVS, then you have to buy your condoms at the supermarket.

No one wants to see that go by.

But now the protests over Freddie Gray have spread to six major cities where the Orioles, did you see this?

The Baltimores played a baseball game closed to the public.

And today the Indians played a game that just seemed like it was closed to the public.

Hillary Clinton was also commenting in this.

She's okay, she's getting her mojo back.

She gave a really great speech.

She said, we need to work on reduced prison, reduced prison population.

We have to get the police to stop using weapons of war in our street.

They don't place on our streets.

She also came out strongly for body cameras on the police.

She said, body cameras are great.

The one I put on Bill Saved Our Marriage.

She also talked a lot about the unfairness of black men being more likely to be stopped by police in this country, searched by police, sentenced to prison, convicted of crimes, and more than white people were doing the same thing.

And people thought this was especially impressive, coming from a woman who, after all, in 2008 was severely beaten by a black man.

And

Hillary Clinton is no longer alone running for the Democratic nomination.

Vermont Senator Bernie Sanders

threw his hat in the ring.

Bernie says he's going to talk the issues every day, especially issues of economic fairness, to try to move Hillary to his way of thinking.

And if that doesn't work, he says he can always donate to the Clinton Foundation.

Oh, yeah,

that story's not going away.

An Indian millionaire has said that he gave Bill Clinton $450,000 for a speaking engagement, and then Hillary changed her position about nuclear technology being exported to India.

Here's his quote: He said, In American politics, nothing comes for free.

You have to write checks.

No,

that is not true.

We also take PayPal.

Now, is anyone here from Texas?

Because Texas, I love Texas, so good for comedy.

A bunch of right-wing crackpots in the state of Texas

are protesting a big military exercise that we do routinely down there or anywhere.

We have a big military exercise all the time because we have a big military.

But these guys think that this is a secret plan to invade Texas and make it part of the New World Order.

You hear that Florida?

Texas is going to take over for a while being the craziest state.

I mean, you know how these people think.

They think a cabal of wealthy Jews is always taking over the world.

And that's why we need Sheldon Adelson to pick a president who will stop them.

But here's what's really crazy.

The governor of Texas, Greg Abbott, has ordered the National Guard, the Texas National Guard, to monitor the U.S.

military in case they're doing.

Yeah, Texas, they never, I'm telling you, I thought George Bush was the bottom of the barrel, and then Rick Perry came along.

I thought he was the bottom of the barrel.

Now apparently, they've turned the barrel over and they kept hitting it until Greg Abbott came along.

That's pretty impressive.

And of course one of the other big stories this week, the Supreme Court is hearing arguments about gay marriage.

They're going to make the big ruling.

And Clarence Thomas finally spoke.

He said, what if we just allow the girl-on-girl stuff?

Wouldn't that be a problem?

No, during the proceedings, someone jumped up in the court and said, if you support gay marriage, you'll you'll burn in hell.

And Robert says, please, Justice Scalia, wait your turn.

Now, I mean, that's a joke.

But when the heckler did say that, you'll burn in hell if you support gay marriage, Justice Scalia said, that was rather refreshing.

Truly.

He said, you know, after hours and hours of legal talk and presidents and all the point-making, oh my gosh, he said, nice to be reminded that your decisions are based on mystical bullshit.

And another one of the conservatives, Justice Alito, he said he is concerned that gay marriage will lead to marrying your sister.

What is it with the conservatives?

They are always obsessed with this idea that men marrying other men will lead to men marrying moms and men marrying sisters and men marrying dogs and men marrying trees.

They spend every waking hour thinking of all the things you could put your dick in besides their wives.

Ellen, thank you very much.

Catch all new episodes of Real Time with Bill Maher every Friday night at 10, or watch him anytime on HBO On Demand.

For more information, log on to hbo.com.