Bonus Bill (Originally aired 3/20/15)

Charlie Sheen is an icon of decadence.

I lit the fuse and my life turns into everything it wasn't supposed to be.

He's going the distance.

He was the highest paid TV star of all time.

When it started to change, it was quick.

He kept saying, No, no, no, I'm in the hospital now, but next week I'll be ready for the show.

Now, Charlie's sober.

He's gonna tell you the truth.

How do I present this with any class?

I think we're past that, Charlie.

We're past that, yeah.

Somebody call action.

Aka Charlie Sheen, only on Netflix, September 10th.

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Now it's time for Real Time 2.0, your chance to listen in behind the scenes to the real-time monologue jokes America didn't hear.

Thank you.

How you doing?

Oh, you're very kind.

Thank you.

Thank you very much.

Oh,

how are they, Bill?

They sound like a hot crowd.

Well, have you been following the news?

Ah, who gives a shit?

Now, the big news this week is, of course, overseas.

You followed the election in Israel.

Benjamin Netanyahu, the prime minister, got re-elected.

And he did it in very astounding fashion.

The day before the election, he said, fuck the Palestinians.

We're not giving them their own state, so we're looking at a one-state solution for Israel.

But today he kind of walked it back and he said, no, he is for a two-state solution, but not Israel and Palestine, Israel and Florida.

Those are the two states.

Now, great news for comedians.

Donald Trump

yesterday said he's forming an exploratory committee to run for president.

He said, because, get this, because politicians are all talking no action.

says the guy who's always talking about president and never running for president.

And the other

big development for the Republicans is that one of their rising stars had to resign this week, America's fittest congressman, Republican Aaron Schock.

Have you seen Aaron Schock?

He was on the cover of Fitness Magazine, only member of Congress with a six-pack.

True, if you don't count the one John Boehner hides under his desk, but a real six-pack.

And

yes, he campaigned on a promise to cut waste fraud and carbs.

He's very, he's very fit.

But he got tripped up by extremely lavish spending habits, taxpayer spending habits, five-star hotels on the tax paradigm, private jets, all this shit.

Decorated his office for $100,000 to look like Downton Abbey.

I'm not making that up.

It was kind of a red flag when he was sworn in on a Neiman Marcus catalog.

That should have been.

And Shock says he doesn't care who replaces him as long as it's another strong Republican who stands up to the takers who rely on government handouts.

That shit has got, see, because he, anyway, has.

And listen to this, how bad this guy was.

He had a personal photographer.

Anthony Weiner said, at least I took my own dick pics.

Well, another news, this week the White White House got a package of cyanide.

Luckily, the Secret Service was on hand.

They intercepted the package, got drunk with it,

rushed it into a fence, and tried to pay it for sex.

And March Madness, are you into that?

A lot of people actually are protesting this year.

They say, you know what, this is an outrage.

Colleges make billions of dollars off of this, literally billions, and the students who play don't get paid anything.

and the colleges say no it's actually an educational experience

it teaches students what it's like to make iPhones in China and

and uh

any Presbyterians here because the Presbyterian church this week announced they are approvaling now of gay marriage and I think it's great I actually pass a Presbyterian

yeah

I pass a Presbyterian church on the way to work work every day, and I see they changed their church sign.

It's now Our Lady of Gaga.

All right.

Thank you very much.

Catch all new episodes of Real Time with Bill Maher every Friday night at 10 or watch him anytime on HBO On Demand.

For more information, log on to HBO.com.