Episode 909 - Marito Lopez

Hi, he's Dave Shumka.

And he's Graham Clark.

And together we host Stop Podcasting Yourself.

Woo!

Hello, everybody, and welcome to episode number 909 of Stop Podcasting Yourself.

My name is Graham Clark.

And with me, as always, is a man who I never, ever see on a Sunday, Mr.

Dave Shumka.

Guys,

I was just at church.

Yeah.

And I gave everyone handshakes and I said, also with you.

Yeah, that's okay.

And then I stayed for coffee hour and the kids had orange drink.

Oh, that's nice.

Yeah.

And these are my memories.

Yeah.

I went to the Satan's temple.

I celebrate Satan every Sunday.

Do they do the Church of Satan is like,

they're not real.

They don't really believe in the devil and stuff.

They're just kind of like trolling.

Yeah, but I like to troll every day.

Do they do services?

Probably.

And do they do them on Sundays?

They probably do just a rub at it.

What's the opposite of Sunday?

Because if

Satan is the Friday is the opposite of Sunday.

Yeah, end of the week, party time.

Yeah, end of the weekend.

Beginning of the weekend.

End of the weekend.

Yeah, so Friday night.

Friday night is Satan church.

Yeah, that's why I always kind of thought like Full House and Family Matters

were satan shows

our guest today first time guest here on the podcast a comedian that's oh so funny uh lived here for a while and that makes his home in new york he has a special slash documentary show on uh out tv called killjoy it's marilla mir that's marita lopez hello merito yo what's poppin' i don't know what is poppin'

fires yeah the city's on fire at the moment there's a fire happening yeah at a giant it was like a giant chinese restaurant right I think, girl, yeah,

I don't know.

I mean, I don't know anything about it, and I don't know if we can make comedy out of it.

That's true, that's true.

It's happening right now.

It's a Sunday morning.

Check your news feeds from four weeks ago.

By the way, this is being released on the,

it looks like the 18th of August.

18th of August.

Murito, thank you for being our guest.

Thank you for having me.

Do we want to get to know us?

Yeah.

Get to know us.

Burrito, you and I both grew up in Calgary, Alberta.

That's cool.

I didn't know you grew up in Calgary.

Yeah.

How long did you live in Calgary?

You were born and raised in Calgary?

Bro, I'm a big Calgary guy.

Yeah.

Big.

I want to learn.

Wait, wait, wait.

We do a thing here where we guess your high school you went to.

So don't tell us.

Anytime that somebody's from Calgary.

So don't say where you went.

Graham is from Calgary.

He knows them all.

I play this game every, you know, 50 episodes when we have a Calgary person on.

I'm going to guess you went to Bishop Grandin.

Are you from Calgary?

No, he's just waiting.

How do you know this?

Because

17 years with Graham.

Yeah, he knows biosmosis.

Is that one of the ones?

Bishop Carroll.

Bishop Graham.

Okay.

No, he's shaking his head.

Do you have any guesses?

Henry Wisewood.

No.

Evie Scarlett.

No.

Look at me, bro.

Oh, Lord Beaverbrook.

No.

I'm wearing a Salvador hat and a Salvadorian jacket.

Yeah, but I don't know anything about demographics of Calgary.

Oh, I guess

Salvador Calgary school.

Like we had Malik El Assel on.

Yeah, yeah.

And he was like, I went to Calgary Muslim Academy.

Oh, sure.

Me and Malik grew up in the same neighborhood.

Oh, yeah?

Yeah.

Did you know him when you were growing up?

Actually, sort of, by proxy.

Okay.

Because I used to work at the Marlborough Mall Walmart.

Oh, you were in Marlborough.

You grew up in Marlborough?

Dude, I grew up up.

Can you guess the high school then?

I'm trying to.

I'm trying to.

I grew up in Marlborough.

I worked at the Marlborough Mall, Walmart.

I was customer service.

Okay.

All I remember.

And Malik, Malik was the electronics.

Oh, you worked in the same store?

We worked in the same store, but we never knew each other.

Wow.

I was older.

Huh.

Yeah.

Isn't that crazy?

That is so cool.

Did you go to St.

Mary's?

It wasn't St.

Mary's.

No.

Was it a Catholic school?

Big Catholic school.

We did like Catholic public school.

Like, are all the bishops, are all those catholic schools like bishop and all the saints are but like is it a saint no it's uh it's it's uh it's a english version of a poppy angler father

father time

what was it Father Lacombe, baby.

Father Lacombe.

How are we still discovering new schools?

Dude, Father Lacombe is the most gangster school in Calgary.

Back then, during the 90s, because everybody watched him blood in, blood out.

It was all Latinos, it was all Cholo wannabes.

You know what I mean?

And they would fight the Filipinos, the Vietnamese.

Were you in a group?

Are you in a gang?

My sister.

My sister was.

Really?

Yeah.

She was like during that era.

When I got into high school, it sort of ended with the Latinos.

And it was the Vietnamese kids that took over.

Oh, okay.

Yeah.

So I was like trying to be Asian back then.

Yeah.

Right.

Me too.

Did you

were you a fighter in high school?

Did you get it?

Yeah,

all the time.

Yeah.

Were you like

at the schoolyard?

I will go to some other place that's off school property.

Where do you do these fights?

No, man, we used to fight at the schoolyard all the time.

And like, teachers wouldn't do anything.

It was crazy.

They were just like, let these kids exhaust themselves.

It was insane.

I remember one time there was this like really big gangster

named Mario Gomez.

Rest in peace.

Okay.

Rest in peace.

He's gone now.

But he used to fight with all these other Latinos at a different school, right?

Oh, inter-school fighting.

Yeah, like inter-school fighting.

So these, like, one day, all these fucking like big Cholo guys like with tattoos came to our school and they came up to this girl who was like, like the girl, like the school gossiper.

Yeah.

Right?

Yeah.

She'd always be like telling in everybody's business.

And they went up to her and they're like, yo, man, we're looking for Mario.

Because my name is Mario.

Marito means Mario Junior.

Oh, I see.

Okay.

Yeah.

So do you go by Mario?

Or

okay.

Yeah, they're like we're looking for Mario Gomez right right and then the girl was like oh shit so she ran around being like yo man these guys are looking for Mario these guys are looking for Mario so then they went and got me from class they're like these guys are here so they pulled me out of class and they were like yeah all these dudes are looking for you bro and I'm like where are they at

Dude that was so small back then it was even smaller so I walked outside and it's like a gang

bunch of dudes just like a bunch of guys like ready to fuck me up.

And I walked up and I said, yo, who's looking for Mario?

And then they looked at me and they were like, we're not looking for you.

We're looking for Mario Gomez because I'm Mario Lopez.

Yeah, of course.

Right.

And then they started dying because I'm so little.

You know what I mean?

Yeah.

Mario Gomez is a big guy.

And so when I walked up, they were just dying.

They couldn't stop laughing.

And I had my little backpack on.

Now, how much effect did

Save by the Bell star Mario Lopez have on your life?

Oh, my God.

Dude, I I had to change my name.

I had to change my stage name, right?

Because every time I would go on stage, they would go, Save by the Belle, Slater.

I had to change my name, bro.

Yeah, me too.

I was Mario Lopez.

No, my birth name is Screech.

Everybody would be relieved when you hit the stage.

Oh, thank God.

Dude, speaking of Screech, Malik, we always used to make fun of him because he looks like Screech.

He's got a Screech love.

Yeah.

He's a handsome Screech.

He's a handsome Screech.

Yeah,

I'm trying to think of who the factions were in my high school.

I feel like the Filipinos didn't like the Lebanese.

Oh, my God.

Nobody liked the Lebanese, bro.

The Lebanese were gay.

Dude, they were ruthless, bro.

They were, I remember one time, I don't know if you know Marlborough, like, Mall Station.

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Bro, they chased this kid, like, they've chased him for blocks, and there's that little ramp that's, like, right over memorial.

Oh, yeah, he got so scared, he jumped off the ramp.

Oh, wow!

He jumped off the ramp, bro, into uncommon uh traffic.

He, no cars hit him, but he fucked up his legs.

Sure, and those kids didn't even care, they were ruthless, bro.

I'm feeling bad that I'm like,

oh, I shouldn't, I shouldn't have said Malik is like a handsome screech.

That's not a great compliment.

Meanwhile, you're like, nobody likes the Lebanese.

I tell him, too,

the kids that he grew up with and like still hangs out with, like his cousins and stuff, are ruthless, bro.

They're like, man, they're like Lebanese kids that are from the hood, right?

They like, they fight everybody.

Did you know Calgary had the hood?

Well, Forrest Lan was

well known as the really authentically tough.

And how

in your childhood, how often...

Were you there?

Never, if I could avoid it.

Bro, I was there all the time.

Well, yeah, I know you were.

I went to school there.

Yes, I know.

I've been in the room the whole time.

I'm just trying to see like the diversity of Calgary.

Where did you grow up?

In

Maple Ridge, Willow Park.

Oh, my God.

That's the complete opposite.

Maple Ridge, Willow Park.

Yeah.

Yes, his high school.

It's one of the ones we named.

Yeah.

Brandon.

No.

Carol?

No.

Beaverbrook.

Yeah.

Beaverbrook.

Yeah.

Oh, my God, dude.

I've never met anyone from Beaverbrook.

Really?

That's crazy.

It was kind of a skid school.

What was your

high school team name?

The Lasers.

Buffalo Comb Lasers.

Wow.

Yeah, that is cool.

His was the Lords.

Yeah, the Lord, Beaverbrook, the Lord.

No, we were the Lasers, bro.

Were you on any sports team?

No, I was horrible at sports.

I was always so bad, but people loved me.

You know what I mean?

Sure.

Right?

So I was always the orange guy.

I would never make the team, but they would always make me team manager.

Oh, okay.

Cut up oranges.

When you said orange guy, I was picturing the Lorax.

I wasn't picturing you as some sort of mascot.

Yo, that would be fire.

If they made me the mascot, it would be in the greatest.

I just thought it was one of those orange bodysuits.

Yeah.

It's an orange guy.

No, I used to cut up oranges for the team.

Oh, really?

Yeah.

Nothing beats a cut up orange to this day.

Yeah.

And they call it,

like, I think they were just trying to be nice to me, so they just called me tea manager.

Yeah, I didn't manage anything.

Well, he managed the orange slices, just the orange slices and the drink.

When you said orange drink, it reminded me of that, bro.

Did you ever have the McDonald's orange drink?

I love the McDonald's drink.

When you would just get a tub of it?

A tub of it, dude.

That was the best, bro.

Yeah.

I loved going to church on Sundays.

I hated it, but I

haven't, I haven't gone

religiously

in a while, but I went all through my childhood yes

do you sunday every sunday at church oh body but my mom would take up like what you saw there was no other option by the ear we'd go it was the best and it was all latinos too so like did you have to sit for the whole service or did you go to sunday school or what happened oh you know what's crazy is that we used to we were lutheran right okay so there would always be like uh we had like a like a black Ecuadorian pastor and he would like do the sermons like so beautifully he would sing and all this stuff and he would talk about Jesus and all that but I was such a narcissist that when I would sit there I would always want him to talk about me

you know what I mean

bro I was always like bro another

yeah talk about maybe if we all applaud he'll come up here and do a quick number dude I would always want him to talk about me always i would i would picture like myself like a picture of me beside christ being crucified and i'd be like man talk about me bro yeah yeah

And it feels so bad.

But now I don't give a fuck.

I'm like, he should have talked about me.

Yeah.

The thing that I always, when I was a kid, that just seemed so adult were the announcements for like, so-and-so's had a surgery.

So we're praying for them.

And there's going to be a bake sale that's coming up on the 26th.

If you want to find out more about that, just talk to Margaret.

There's the, the women had a stitch and chatter group,

which was like the nice way of saying stitch and bitch

where you like get together, so

and complain about, you know, the pastor.

Did you have friends that went to the same?

So

I always tell people this.

I was literally one of the first Latin families to move to Calgary because

of the Civil War.

like going on in El Salvador, Nicaragua, Guatemala, like they all had like wars at the same time.

And the U.S.

wasn't accepting immigrants.

So everybody went to Calgary.

Right.

Yeah.

And

we were like in this like little pocket.

Marlborough was like all immigrants, like refugees.

Right.

Right.

And then we all like built a church together.

Like, oh, really?

Not built a church together.

But like a community.

Yeah.

Yeah.

And we all like, I grew up with all of them.

You know what I mean?

It would be great if you actually built the church.

That'd be so dope.

I kind of would like,

I should be next to Jesus.

Yeah, we have two Jesuses and one looks like me.

We're gonna

put air conditioning in this one.

The old church is good, but uh i got some big plans for this new church but i grew up with all of them and my first girlfriends were all there like oh yeah school was the best bro yeah yeah i didn't have that i had one pal and everybody else it felt like a real force to have oh i yeah i hated it i hated all like other kids none of my girlfriends went there so wait you didn't go to church this morning no oh good that was great acting and i pictured you in your like sweater you and your wife got home put the kids you know like giving them refreshments.

Bro, I legit thought you went to church.

I'm like, what a wholesome guy.

Dude, this guy's the man.

You're talking about Satan.

Yeah, yeah.

These are good friends, eh?

Yeah, yeah.

We managed to say that.

Did you believe he went to Satan?

Yeah.

Bro, I was like, what is going on?

This is so cool.

And you believe that Friday night's the opposite of Sunday morning?

You go to church this morning?

No, no, I am I'm Muslim.

So is that what day of the week is Muslim church?

The big day is like Friday prayer.

Friday prayer.

Yeah, Friday prayer.

But you can still go to the mosque like on Sunday.

You can go whenever you want.

Yeah, right.

You can go whenever you want.

But Friday prayer is like the big one.

So that's when everybody's there, the whole family is there.

Because it's believed that when Adam was thrown out of paradise, it was a Friday.

Oh.

Oh, sure.

That's why.

classic just before the weekend.

That's why Radiohead was originally called on a Friday.

Um, did you did you go this week?

No, don't

take five months.

Oh, the maybe like right after Ramadan ended, I was like, ah, buddy, I'm done.

I'm tired.

You know what I mean?

I ain't waking up.

So, Ramadan, this is a fasting you're doing during Ramadan.

How many, how, how much?

Because you can eat.

No, how does it work?

What are the technicalities of Ramadan?

So, basically from

sun up to sundown, you can't have food or water.

You have coffee, it's nothing.

Sun up to sundown.

Okay, so daylight.

Yeah.

So are you like...

Yeah,

is it always a different time of year?

Does it like move?

Yeah, it moves.

So sometimes the days are shorter and sometimes it is.

Yeah, like, man, like, like during the summer, it's brutal.

People wake up early to eat.

Yeah, like, you got to wake up like at like 4 a.m.

and pray.

Yeah.

Pray and then eat.

We got to pray.

And then you got to love.

Just do the big three.

Pray love.

That's amazing.

I love your enthusiasm.

Legit.

I thought you two were like that kind of friends.

Like you're a big church guy, a big Satan guy, but you guys come together.

And yet the

theme of the podcast is wham, whatever.

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Like something we just never bring it up.

The show is, the show like that would be this show has no hook yeah that would be an excellent hook well he's a satanist

i'm a god guy uh so you went to church when did the muslim thing happen it just started like recently it like during um

uh the pandemic

during the pandemic bro because look i've never been to jail uh prison good but i've been to jail a lot okay and when i was in jail i would always like

i don't know why a law would speak to me allah

Allah would be there for me because I always listen to rap.

You know what I mean?

I always listen to rap.

And like, they always talk about like, all praise is due to Allah, brother.

What's the mathematics?

5% nation.

I always love that.

So during the pandemic, it felt like I was in prison.

Yeah.

You know what I mean?

So during the pandemic, I treated it like I was in prison.

So I would read a lot and I read Malcolm X autobiography.

You have the tattoo of Malcolm X?

I got Malcolm X right here.

Malcolm X and Richard Pryor.

And Richard Pryor, both done by white women, White Tower 2 artists, which is crazy.

But I'm like, yeah, go off, Queen.

They did it for me.

You're not going to turn it out.

You went to them.

They didn't seek you out.

I'm like, I got to give you a Malcolm X.

The girl who did my Richard Pryor was like, I got to give you a Richard Palcrit.

Okay, well, that was crazy.

Really?

She killed it.

Yeah, she did.

Good job.

Yeah.

But during the pandemic, that's when I

really got interested in it.

And then Malik, Dave Mahesh, a bunch of friends who are like Muslim,

have been talking to me about it forever.

And then I reverted, converted during then, and then started taking it seriously like last year.

Yeah.

No, it's, yeah, Malik and Dave Mahaj never talk to me about that.

They're never like, Dave, you got to come over.

They know I'm too in my church.

Yeah.

And then

you used to drink, you don't drink anymore.

No, I don't drink no more.

You used to drink.

Oh my God.

Dude, I love drinking yeah like i do bro like my best that's one thing that christians and satanists have yeah we all do like drink you guys like to drink yeah you know what i mean like to have a we like the sacraments yeah yeah the wine yeah the wine and the bread

yeah i loved it and you were getting in you were put in jail because of your fighting or why were you fighting

fighting just like Sometimes I would fight in a drunk tank, so they would put me in a holding cell.

Oh, you go in the drug tank, you're already in trouble.

and then they put you in double trouble, and then they put me in double trouble, and then like they'd lock me up to the to the beds.

Oh, really?

They'd handcuffed me to the beds, you're like a wolverine, dude.

I was crazy, I was a little like fighter, yeah,

yeah.

I was a little fighter, but here's the thing: I've been in like 30 fights, really, more, but I lost all of them.

You know what I mean?

Like, I'm that guy, I'm that little dude that just doesn't know.

I'm like a dog, yeah.

Like, I think that I'm like bigger than I am.

You think you're Mario Gomez, Yeah.

Mario Gomez.

Rest in peace.

But yeah, man, I like I loved drinking so much.

Yeah.

Back then.

What was your drink?

Everything, bro.

Anything, everything.

Anything.

Hypnotic.

Beer.

Yeah.

Jameson.

Oh, I love a nice high-speed

Jameson.

Hypnotic is like a people of color drink, bro.

Okay.

It's like blue.

He tells me.

Thanks.

It's blue.

It's disgusting.

You know what I mean?

You can't drink it with anything.

What do you spell?

How do you spell it?

With a Y?

Yes.

Hypnotic.

It's not a drink.

It's something you buy in a bottle.

It's something that you buy in a bottle.

Okay.

Yeah.

It's not like.

Oh, you never had hypnotic?

It's H-P-N-O-T-I-Q.

No, no.

No, that's how I know you did not grow up in the Northeast.

Hypnotic was everywhere.

I stayed away from the Northeast like the plague.

I was a southern boy.

It's a vodka-based.

Oh, wow.

When Chumbo Wamba is taking taking a vodka drink.

They're talking about hypnotics.

It was 17%.

That's very low.

The southern white area drink was Big Bear.

That was the huge malt liquor.

Oh, yeah, most alcohol you could buy for the cheapest amount of.

For sure.

Yeah.

So it was that and Grower's cider.

Those were the two.

Yeah.

Oh, yo, 100%.

That fuck with that duel.

Yeah.

Well, here's the thing, bro.

Even though I'm a Northeast kid, I love the South.

I love the South.

You got a white chicks.

Dude, the white girl.

Dude, I'll tell you something.

The movie White Chicks went over here.

Nobody has

better white women than Calgary, Alberta.

Calgary, Alberta's got a good white fucking population.

I love a good white girl from fucking.

You know what I mean?

But here's the thing: they would never fuck me.

They would never fuck me.

Even if you fired a lot of guys?

Yeah, dude.

They would never fuck me.

We fist bumped for the listener.

Oh my God, that's so funny.

But I love them.

Yeah.

And

when we,

I mean, boy, we do this every week, but let's count down the top five white girls.

I'm going to go with number five, B.

Arthur.

B.

Arthur.

Funny, beautiful, tall.

Who the hell is B.

Arthur?

You got to look up B.

Arthur.

She's from the Golden Girls.

You know, Golden Girls.

Yeah, I know the Golden Girls.

Number four, I'm going to go with Blanche.

Rue McGlannan.

Yeah, Ruma Glannan.

Number three,

Estelle Getty.

Number two, Betty White.

And number one, Carmen Electra.

Yeah, Carmen Electra.

Oh, what about Sable?

She was the greatest, dude.

She was the greatest.

Was she your ultimate crush when you were in home?

Oh, my God.

Like, dude, I loved White Wood.

I don't, I still love White Wood, but my girl's white.

Sable, but she's not a wholesome white.

She's an Eastband.

Oh, okay.

She's a punk?

She's a punky white.

Yeah.

You know what I mean?

Yeah.

And I always tell my boy, like, Jared, I always go, bro, I wish she was a normal white once in a while.

You know what I mean?

But he's always like, bro, if she was a normal white, she wouldn't fuck you.

Yeah, because that's the rule that you set up at Calgary.

If she was an Earl's white, you know Earls.

We do know Earls.

She wouldn't fuck you.

What about a Cactus Club white?

Not even.

Not even.

Not even Joey's.

No, definitely not Joey's.

What about a Moxie's?

Maybe Moxie's.

Maybe a Moxie's.

Definitely, definitely a Granville.

Granville Street White will not buy me.

You know what I mean?

It's got to be East Fan.

What's a good bar and East Fan?

What is Biltmore?

Yeah, the Biltmore is a good one.

The Billmore.

Yeah.

Perfect.

Or the Cobalt.

Maybe he hangs out for the Cobalt.

Perfect.

I don't even know what that is.

Oh, sure.

Absolutely.

Oh, sure.

Bro, when did you move here?

I moved here in 2021, I think.

Oh, wow.

Yeah, I've been here a long time.

Yeah, yeah.

I couldn't take the winter anymore in Calgary.

I couldn't handle it.

Insane.

And this was the only place that didn't have winter here or Victoria.

I thought about living in Victoria as well, but hey, you know, Vancouver's the big show, right?

Yeah, man.

But you got that.

Bro, I can't even.

When you told me that you're from Calgary, I can't even imagine that because you're so van.

Yeah, well, I learned, I adapted.

graham when he got here big belt buckles cowboy hat i rode here all the way on uh

you're very calgary you look like you should do the weather in calgary

i'm vancouver born and raised

yeah that's amazing i love vancouver yeah why did you move here from from calgary so that was the first right first big move was from calgary to here did you no no i i moved from calgary to toronto toronto and i lived in Toronto for like maybe 12 years oh wow yeah and then after the pandemic Toronto got like

up like really I don't even think it's the same anymore what happened to it I think it's just so many like music venues closed down yeah comedy clubs just the vibe just

happened here too it happened here as well there's no comedy club anymore there isn't yeah

but There's just a better, more positive like vibe here.

Yeah.

Because it's, there's so many outdoor things to do.

It's beautiful.

People are hiking.

Like, I love it here.

Are you an outdoorsy guy?

I love it.

Dude, I run English Bay.

Every time I'm here, shirts off, hats out.

I love it.

I love it here.

This is my favorite city in Canada.

And so, like, you, but then you were like, I gotta, I gotta go to New York.

I gotta go to the big show.

Yeah, man.

Like, I don't know why I did it.

Like, I love New York.

The big time.

I love New York.

Yeah.

I love New York.

Like, New York.

I imagine you moved to New York and you're listening to Taylor Swift.

Welcome to New York.

dude the second i get to new york i put on nas i put on jay-z i love that's what i listen to when i do the weather in calgary

new york state of mind yeah

no i uh uh i after that song's really funny after the pandemic i just had to get out i had to get out of toronto yeah and so uh now in new york are you are you doing a bunch of spots what are you doing in new york what's keeping you busy so i i'm taking acting oh yeah

acting school at the Esper Acting Studio.

Okay.

And it's like where Larry David went.

It's really like pretty.

Malik went there.

Yeah.

Malik is the guy that got me in, actually.

And so you.

It's very funny that.

This is where Larry David went.

The world's greatest actor.

The world's greatest actor.

That'spian.

Larry David.

He really kind of embodies this Larry character.

He's actually British.

What is an acting school like?

I know people who've been to them, but I don't, is it like every day you're doing crazy activities?

Yeah,

it's Meisner.

So it's like, it's always activities.

Okay.

You're like doing,

like you're building something,

painting something, and then like someone knocks at the door and like you build a scene off of that.

Right.

Yeah.

And it's like crazy because I've cried every class.

Really?

Do these little activities.

Like I cry all the time.

Really?

Yeah.

I've never been able to do that.

Like, honestly, this is the best uh acting school i've ever been to i've been to many like classes they just haven't really like uh

uh

brought life into me and this one is okay yeah i love it i bet you're a really good actor

and i've just met you oh thank you there's something about your energy that's like thank you bro my teacher my teacher's so mean yeah she's bro have you guys what's that movie called where the kids drumming drumline whiplash but no but

whiplash

drumline is is so funny.

Well, I'm right.

Whiplash, bro.

She's whiplash.

She's whiplash.

She's whiplash.

And she's so mean.

But just like beautiful, like

Diane Keatonisk Jewish woman.

You know what I mean?

Is there somebody who's like teacher's pet?

Is there somebody who's always mean?

Or is she mean to everyone?

She is mean to everyone, but she does show favoritism.

I'm not going to lie, no offense.

Who's her favorite?

Honestly, this really hot guy named Daniel.

Do no wrong.

And he's so hot.

Yeah.

He's like, and he's a big Puerto Rican dude, the opposite of me.

You know what I mean?

Yeah.

But, but she loves me too, but she's just very hard on me.

Yeah, she's showing you some tough love.

Yeah, she told me to do a tough love.

I remember one time I did an activity, I forgot what it was, but then in front of everyone, she went, Merido, I don't mean to embarrass you, but that was embarrassing.

And then I had to pack all my stuff and walk up to the bleachers, bro, like a loser.

She's mean.

She's so mean.

You should.

I don't know if feeling embarrassed, but you should and you should want to leave.

But she's really like made me into a better actor.

It's incredible.

What would be your absolute dream role?

What would be like the thing that you want to take on the most of any, like, would you like to work with a Scorsese or would you like to, is there like

Shakespeare?

I would love to be in theater.

Yeah?

This has made me learn I want to be in theater.

Okay.

You know who I want to be, bro?

I want to be like the super funny comedian.

But people are like, oh, but he's a well-trained actor, though.

Okay.

You know what I mean?

Like he can do like...

He can do actual.

Yeah, he can do like actual things.

But my dream role is Emiliano Zapata.

I would love to play Emiliano Zapata.

He's the founder of Zapatos, the shoe company.

Zapos, Zapos.

Sorry, fuck.

I fucked it up.

It would have been so good.

They should make shoes named after him, though.

Yeah.

Zapatos.

Is there a particular play or movie that's like that character, or is it just you'd love to play him?

I would love to play him because he's like just like a Mexican revolutionary that I don't think people have touched in film.

Right.

They did make a movie with Marlon Brando, but Marlon Brando played him.

Some white dude, bro.

Get the fuck out of here.

You know what I mean?

Yeah, I mean, he was so, you know,

pure sex.

The world's greatest actor, they would say.

I thought you were going to say, I'd like to play Jesus, Jesus, but better.

I would love to play Jesus, for real.

Like, like, like in LA, right?

Like, Jesus.

Oh, yeah.

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

But they, um,

uh,

were they going to re, like, weren't they working on a sequel to The Passion of the Christ?

Yeah, and then the director

got his panties in a knot, and so they never

the director Mel Gibson.

Yeah, he got it.

He was not going to be involved.

Uh, I don't think he was still as popular post uh uh anti-semitism drunken anti-semitism rant yeah i feel like people were no no but like in the last couple years i heard they were really starting on it oh well that's because you go to church so yeah

is uh do you go on auditions or you i just started yeah i just started in in the states and how's it feel how you doing bro i just did one uh recently uh for like a for like a remake of a martin you know remember Martin yeah yeah yeah they're doing a remake of that with Martin Lawrence or no no no with Varnell Hill okay like the character yeah yeah with Tommy I forget his

Davidson yeah yeah with Tommy Davidson and I did a

reading for that and it felt very good yeah you know what I mean I don't know if I'll get it but I felt better I felt like I delivered do you feel it's like because I I never was an actor but I went on auditions that it's so weird that you're in this room and then they're like okay now be a cowboy.

And you're just

going to pretend.

And we're all, none of us are going to pretend.

Yeah.

We're just going to sit here with our notepads.

Notepads.

Yeah.

Dude, I hated it because it's like, it's embarrassing.

Yeah.

It's such an embarrassing.

You should be embarrassed.

You should be embarrassed.

Up to the bleachers, baby.

Rito, I don't mean to embarrass you, but you should be embarrassed.

Crazy, dude.

Bro, I go on the subway and I cry.

Yeah.

After the class, she's so mean, but so great.

I thought, well, but you also cry from like the method acting of it or do you just cry because your teacher's mean i think it's both bro sometimes i think it's like i'm remembering like a memory but then i go no i think i'm just scared of this woman yeah yeah

well she sounds scary she's is she very tall no she's tiny she's tiny oh so she's even more but she walks with a limp bro i could just kick her you know what i mean if i want you'll go to jail

not prison yeah they'll chain you to the bed

no that's so crazy i can't believe i can't believe that i used to live through that yeah the chained yeah

that's insane how how long when's the last time you went to jail

we usually ask this of all our guests well i i don't know if it you said you've been in 30 fights but that doesn't mean 30 the like the how how many times have you been to jail i guess i uh oh man i can't even count like when i was in

and like a lot of it was the drunk tank too yeah

it wasn't always holding cells, but I,

but I would get arrested.

There was like a point, like, during my college and beginning comedy days.

Yeah.

I would get arrested every weekend.

Okay.

And the cops knew me, bro.

They were like, here you are.

Let's go.

Find Murito.

It's Friday night.

They knew me.

And I remember one time, like, I escaped.

You escaped?

I escaped.

Like, El Chapo shit, bro.

I escaped the cops somehow, and they were looking for me all day.

And I was at a bar.

I just woke up at a bar right and this guy was telling me he's like yo get the off that stool get out of here yeah and i had a beer and it was at a it was at an earl's on stephen avenue okay right passed that in an earl's but yeah and then and i looked at the guy and i said you see this stool and he's like yeah big filipino guy he's like uh i said you see this stool this is my stool

And then he came around the bar and literally like took it right off of me under me.

And then i hit the side of the bar and my face was gushing blood oh god yeah and then the cops came in and they went mario mario mario

east side mario

hey bada bing bada boom

east side mario uh what um

that's so funny i woke up in a bar earls

i don't think of earls as a bar in the the for the fact that like kids can get in and uh

it is funny to get drunk at an earl and the fact that like, I don't, I guess they have a bouncer.

Yeah.

Well, or this is the bartender.

It was just a bartender.

Well, I guess, but they hired.

I love Earls.

I love, you know, Calgary, bro.

That's where all the Hawk girls.

As soon as you hit Stephen Avenue, I know the exact.

The exact all the Hawk Girls worked there.

The whites that I was talking about that I.

See, this is what we need in the show.

We need a lot more of, like, hey, what races are we attracted to?

Where do they all hang out?

What about you?

Your favorite race.

Your wife's

look how my wife.

Oh, she's not going to listen.

Well,

my white wife.

My white wife is so good.

And, of course, Sable.

Sable is so hot, man.

So hot.

I didn't watch wrestling at this time.

I'm from the Miss Elizabeth era of white women in wrestling.

The late 80s.

Oh, man, dude.

That was the greatest.

Archo Man Randy Savage.

Oh, yeah.

Did you watch wrestling every

week?

God, dude, I was obsessed with it.

I was just being,

bro, I don't care what anybody says.

Nothing beats NWO, WCW era.

Okay.

95 to 97 was the greatest

slice in wrestling ever.

I hated the attitude era, bro.

I couldn't stand it.

Yeah.

Stone Cold Steve Austin and The Rock.

You didn't like any of that.

It was too gross, bro.

Suck it.

Get out of here.

Yeah.

And he kept dissing.

You suck it.

And they kept dissing Bret Hart.

I hate love

from Calgary.

Of course.

Bret Hart.

Where was Hollywood Hogan?

Was he that NWO?

Hollywood Hogan, bro.

With the

hair dye in his beard.

Yeah, the hair dye in his beard.

And

he turned bad.

And people were shocked when he turned bad.

Shocked, dude.

And he went, you know what, NWO fans?

You can just stick it, brother.

I went, whoa!

So, yes, to stick it, no, to suck it.

That's where I draw the line.

Yes, to stick it, no to suck it.

That was me.

That was you.

I did not.

I hate it.

A man has to have a code.

Yeah.

I hate it, suck it.

Do you prefer WCW or the WWE?

I guess it would have been.

WCW.

Yeah.

100%.

I felt like WCW is more for adults.

And I felt like the WE was kind of more of a kids' game.

And then it switched because then it got the attitude there.

I was like, this is not for kids.

I watched until I was 10 WWF.

Then my brother moved away because I watched with him.

And then I was like, well, I will never watch again.

And so you saying, well, this is more for adults is very funny to me.

11-year-old me was like, I am done with this.

Because like in the

early days, like WWF would have a character be like a clown.

Yeah, a clown or a tugboat.

And in WCW, he would just be like, John, you know, John Edwards.

Yeah, they'd go by their

regal name.

Yeah.

Their name, and they were like bikers,

gang guys.

They weren't like the muscly.

They were kind of just look like Ric Flair.

He looked like kind of a dude.

Yeah, dude, I loved that.

I loved it.

And when like Razor Ramon went there, it was just his name, Scott Hall.

Scott Hall.

So cool.

I loved it, dude.

Did it offend you as a Latino being like, wait, Razor Ramon, that's...

Your real name's Scott Hall?

Dude, when I was a kid, I was like, what is going on?

Who's Scott Hall?

Yeah.

That's Razor Ramon.

Cupid.

And he dropped the whole thing, right?

He wasn't.

He dropped all of it.

Yeah, he didn't still do the toothbrush.

Once in a while, he would go, AO, but like, that was it.

But, dude, there's, there's, there's honorary

white men who can culturally appropriate.

Okay.

And Ready Ramon.

Yeah.

Al Pacino.

Okay.

Marlon Brando.

Marlon Brando.

Marlon Brando.

Sure.

And Mickey Rooney.

Mickey.

Did a a lot of Chinese work.

Oh, dude.

I thought Mickey Rourke again.

I always get them confused.

No, Mickey Rooney's like the perfect one.

But even from back then, the good, the bad, and the ugly.

Have you guys ever seen the bad and the ugly?

Yeah.

Eli Wallach.

Dude, that guy can play a Latino better than me.

That guy is the perfect.

That's what your teachers told me.

Perfect Mexican.

Yeah.

Is it Eli Wallach?

Is that who I'm thinking of?

I haven't seen any of these old movies.

Oh, you have to, to, my man.

You have to.

Yeah, there he is.

There he is.

Love that, dude.

Good for me.

Yeah, good for you.

How did you know that?

It was a big crossword puzzle clue back in the day.

Actor Wallach, three letters.

You always need those letters.

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

And I was like, I don't know.

Are you a big crossword guy?

I'm not crazy about it.

Like, I don't do it

very often anymore, but

I used to have the New York Times app, and I would try to get all seven days in a row without giving up.

I thought last day's so hard.

No, Friday's the hard one.

Friday's the hard one.

Okay.

And then Sunday.

Friday is the day that Adam got banned on the fire.

Yeah, that's true.

And Sunday is the fun one.

Who got banned on Friday playing D A N?

Yeah.

And then Sunday's the fun one.

Yeah.

Sunday's the big one.

It's got like a clue, like a big overarching clue.

Love the Sunday puzz.

The Sunday puzzle.

Are you a crossword guy?

No, man.

Do you do any of the puzzles?

Are you a puzzle guy?

I don't do any of that shit, bro.

No.

I'm not that guy.

You know what I mean?

I'm just, I'm not a hockey guy.

I'm not a

puzzle.

You know what I do, bro?

You know what you're going to love about me?

Every morning I do a little hockey puzzle.

I love you, bro.

You're such a Calgary weatherman.

I have to be a Calgary weatherman.

Oh, well, though.

The Chinooks are going past the freaking EP Scarlett today.

The only thing that's on the teleprompter.

The only thing that gets me going is hip-hop, cigars, and coffee, bro.

Oh, you're a cigar guy.

Big cigar guy, dude.

We were just talking like last week or the other week that that smell is so, so nice.

Oh, I love it.

Like a good quality cigar?

I love a good quality cigar.

And a coffee?

Oh.

Do you?

And you're dirty.

You came here with one of the best coffees of all time.

Tim Hortons is one of the best of all time.

100%.

I tell Americans that all the time.

I go, yo, bro, you guys don't even know.

Extra large money.

And Taylor Swift.

I'm going to let you finish, but Tim Horton is one of the greatest coffees of all time.

Of all time, it's so cool.

What do you drink in the States?

Duncan Duncan.

Duncan is pretty similar, yeah.

I do drink.

And you know what?

McDonald's coffee is pretty close.

I love McDonald's coffee.

I do.

Not even McDonald's coffee.

It does the job.

Yeah.

Yeah.

It wakes you up.

Yeah.

Big slap in the face.

Totally.

Right in the morning.

Well, how often would you say in a week you smoke cigars?

Or is that just only on a rare occasion?

No, dude.

I do it too.

There's like some days in the summer, especially in Vancouver.

Yeah.

Where I smoke a cigar a day.

Really?

Yeah, bro.

It takes a long time to smoke a cigar.

How big a cigar?

Big.

Big boys.

Sick boys?

Yeah, bro.

I'm like, I'm a Churchill guy.

Yeah.

You know what I mean?

A Grow to a Marx guy.

Yeah.

Dude, I love cigars.

I don't drink.

I don't do drugs.

That's my thing.

That cigars is yours.

I sit down, and my girl girl knows too, like, leave him alone on the porch.

This is your alone time, it's cigar time.

Alone time.

Yeah, man.

After shows, I'll go and I'll smoke a cigar like outside.

But like, how long does it take you to smoke a cigar?

Like an hour.

Yeah, because like cigarettes are done immediately.

I hate cigarettes.

And I've been smoking cigarettes this past year.

How come?

I don't know.

You're a cigar guy.

Bro, I went to like Newfoundland and they don't have cigars there.

Really?

Yeah, because they get apparently it's too expensive to like ship.

Oh, okay.

So like pl places rarely have them.

So I started smoking darts.

I hate darts.

It's so gross.

But I got addicted.

You got to smoke something.

You got to smoke something.

Are you still smoking?

Cigarettes?

I just stopped.

Good.

I just stopped.

Good.

How do you feel?

I love it.

And when I smoke cigarettes, it ruined cigars for me.

Right.

Oh, okay.

You know what I mean?

Yeah.

Yeah.

Too much smoke.

Too much, like, just...

Yeah, nicotine, whatever it is.

Like, it's not good.

Yeah.

It's been a long time since I met a cigar guy.

I love cigars yeah i love them that's how i started smoking and then i went to cigarettes because they were cheaper so do you do you smoke cigarettes uh no i quit many many years ago amazing yeah oh dude it's so hard yeah it's the hardest thing i like i bro i kind of want to start yeah honestly all this talk is cigars i think i'd love a cigar dude we should now it's gonna be and then all of a sudden i'm smoking cigars all the time

yeah

i mean you there's only so many hours in the day yeah you need a whole hour to smoke it yeah

i'm getting eight hours of shit.

You know, fitting in whenever I can, staying up super late, waking up super early, having a morning cigar.

A morning cigar is amazing.

Big breakfast.

Do you ever smoke cigars with other cigar smokers, or this is completely alone time?

They got to be real cigar smokers.

Okay.

Otherwise, I'm like, nah.

What's your brand?

Oh, man.

I love, I love Cubans, obviously.

Cubans are dope.

Like H.

Upman, um, Partegas, but I'm from Central America, so I fuck with uh Nicaraguans.

Okay.

Like Nicaraguans, like Arturo Fuente,

macanudos.

Like I love those.

Do you ever go to like one of the like a cigar shop?

So the best thing about living in the States is that they don't have Cubans, right?

Oh, yeah.

All their Nicaraguans are like

to make up for the no Cubans.

That New York shop we went to that you insisted we were

Nat Sherman.

Nat Sherman.

Sherman.

I don't know.

It's this place in New York that is like,

I mean, it's very, I remember very high ceilings and just an amazing smell.

Yeah, it smells amazing.

They had all sorts of different tobaccos and they have all sorts of different products from like filterless cigarettes to.

Where?

In New York.

I can't remember where, but it's.

It's in Manhattan.

I got to check that out.

Is this guy Eli?

Eli just.

Nat Sherman.

Let's find it on Google Maps here.

Nat Sherman.

No, this is a map of Vancouver.

Where's our Nat Sherman?

Nat Sherman Townhouse permanently closed.

Well, that's not what I'm looking for.

No.

But is it, though?

It's right near the park.

Can I see a picture of it?

Because there's this place.

Okay.

Tobacconist to the world.

It's got a giant cigar out there.

Yeah.

And it's like the most amazing smelling place.

When you walk in the door, it's like.

Oh, my God.

Yeah, this is the place.

Yeah.

Is it closed?

It says it's permanently closed.

Oh, that does suck.

That sucks.

Because Bill Burr posted a pic of what he was doing.

He's a cigar guy.

Big cigar.

A lot of New York comics are.

Are they really?

Yeah, bro.

Because I do.

Little Milty, George Burns.

St.

George Burns.

Richard Propp, Bill Cosby.

Bill Cosby.

Is he still doing sets?

Look at these guys.

Look at these.

Look at these guys over here.

Just in our smoker's lounge.

Oh, that's so cool.

That's beautiful.

Yeah, those are high ceilings.

I was right about that.

But yeah, it's

cigars.

So people do smoke cigars.

Oh, yeah, man.

Like crazy.

I work at the stand a lot.

Like, I got, yeah, I got

like passed there.

Yeah.

Maybe like four months in.

Okay.

And

I told the guy, I was like, yeah, man, like,

is it cool if I go outside and smoke cigars?

And he's like, bro, like, go downstairs.

There's like a cigar lounge in the green room.

Ooh.

And they got like a humidor.

it's so cool.

Humidors are pretty cool, you know what I mean.

I love it.

What is that?

It's uh, it's like you can get small ones, or there's a lot of ones that are like kind of floor-to-ceiling size, and they're just uh the perfect temperature humidity for storage, climate-controlled cigar storage, so good, dude.

Yeah, you open it, you're just like, Yeah, I think I haven't smoked the wrong cigars.

I've been going into ones that are, you know, people just keep in a Ziploc bag.

No,

with a piece of cheese, no, no, with a piece of cheese.

Yeah.

God,

I'm going to the wrong guy.

We got to go.

One day we got to go.

Yeah.

Just the three boys back together.

Yeah, yeah.

Three boys.

We'll go to Metro Cigar down here.

Okay.

Yeah.

By Olympic Village.

Go to Metro Cigar.

And they got a big picture of Brent Butt.

Yeah, Brent Butt.

And I always look at the guy and I say, one day I'm going to be up there.

Well, you're in the chair he said in many times.

Brent Butt?

Yeah.

Oh, God.

I love that.

But every time I tell him I'm going to be up there, he goes, Okay,

you should just give him a headshot, see what happens.

I'm scared.

Why?

I should.

I should.

I buy cigars there all the time.

Yeah, well, he could just put you up as a number one customer.

Yeah,

rising star.

Yeah.

Rising star.

Soon to put it lower than Brent Butts.

But your star rises.

I think you just go into places, you see someone's picture up high, and you're like, I should be there.

Yeah.

Jesus.

Yeah.

Jesus.

Is it Muhammad?

Brent Butt.

I don't know that they have a lot of.

Did they do a picture of Proper Muhammad?

No pictures at all.

He had a big, big problem with the paparazzi.

Dave, what's going on with you?

I'm threading.

Oh, no.

We've been recording so many shows because Graham and I are going to be away next month.

So we're pre-taping a bunch.

And the problem is we draw from our own lives.

Yeah.

And there's only so much life you can

drying up.

Yeah.

I I did, in the last episode, we talked about that couple that was spotted on the

jumbo trunk?

On the jumbo trunk.

Honey, you look like that guy.

Dude, even duck down right now, and you're perfect impression.

I'm here with my white war, not wife.

I do look like a weatherman who would go to a cold place concert.

But we were talking before the show about how we love our phones.

I don't know.

Do you love your phone?

No, Graham, you turn yours on

black and white mode to make it less.

I feel like

phone is like real toilet time and

board time, but not like I don't go out of my, I don't seek the phone.

Oh, I don't.

I know I do it too much, but I do love my little time with my phone.

What do you do when you're on?

Do you have like a routine?

Do you?

Yeah, I lie in my bed and I look at it.

My problem is, I

underestimate how much time I'll need to look at my phone.

So, like in the morning, I brush my teeth.

It's a two-minute, I have an electric toothbrush, so it takes 30 seconds for each quadrant.

So, it's two minutes total.

And I'll start brushing my teeth, and I'll get bored, and I'll go lie in my bed and look at my phone while I'm brushing my teeth.

And then I'm I get pulled into whatever I'm looking at on my phone, and then I'm like stuck in bed for another 10 minutes just with toothpaste in my mouth.

That's so funny.

But I was, and we were talking about how we love our phones, but we hate having to create things for social media.

Content.

How much are you posting several times a week, clips or?

Bro, like the thing is,

I love social media.

I think it's such a cool tool to like connect with people.

You know, like watch what your friends are doing.

Yeah.

Right.

And like to put up what you're doing.

I love putting stories up.

Yeah.

I love it, dude.

I love just making dumb little videos.

But when it comes to making it into a reel so people can follow you or get views, I hate it.

Yeah.

It takes away the fun.

As like a comedian for your career, it sucks.

Yeah.

I hate it.

Because I don't think it's quality.

I don't think it's art.

You know what I mean?

What do you what are you putting up as a reel?

Are you just like a a l a sketch or like I'll do like little thoughts I have.

You know what I mean?

I will make a sketch, but like

one of my really good friends who's good at that stuff, he goes, it can't be random.

Like you have to like plan it and like be consistent with it.

And that's the part I'm not good at.

That sucks.

Because I like to just put it out.

What do you have to plan?

When you release it or like when you release it, that's it.

And like you're building a character in your as a social media personnel.

You are a comedian, but then there's this whole other audience that is going to get to know you as the blank guy.

Exactly.

And that's what he was telling me.

He's like, who do you want to be on social media?

And I'm like, me.

So what is your character?

Who, Who, if I

don't think I've found that yet?

You know what I mean?

That's why it's so random because I'm like, I'm just being me, who I am on stage, right?

Right.

And, but it's just too like all over the place.

Like, people always have like that consistent character.

Right.

Like, the gooner, for example.

Yes, that's me.

Who's the gooner?

Who's the gooner?

Tell me about this gooner guy.

I don't know.

There's like gooners, like, you know, like Chey Dorena.

Chey Dorena is very much like that, like J.J.

Lieberman.

There's like the

sort of right-wing guy, but he's not like Ryan Long.

Oh, yeah.

He'll have that.

You know what I mean?

Yeah.

Like, he has that character.

Like, even my roommate, Jared, is like popping off now.

He's like the gym guy.

He's a guy that always does videos at the gym.

Yeah.

No, John Krasinski is the gym guy.

That's true.

The gym.

This guy loves me.

No, I'm a big office guy.

I love the office.

If you drop in an office pun, take my shirt off.

And he'll take any excuses he should.

That's what he's doing.

That's what I should be.

I should be the shirt off guy.

Yeah.

Move over, Bert Kreiser.

Move over, Bert.

So we talked last week, which was three days ago in real time, about this cold play cheating couple.

And

I want to apologize to our listeners because

it's three days.

Three days have passed since, and I'm so sick of this shit.

I'm so sick of every company that's done their own spoof of it.

And so sick of like,

it's a funny thing that happened for five seconds.

I don't need to know who these people are.

Yeah.

Like I'm so sick of like hunting down every detail about their lives.

Some people say it was a, it was a publicity stunt for the guy's business.

The guy's business?

Astronaut?

Astronomer?

Yeah, whatever.

Yeah, astronaut was it?

Yeah.

I don't know what it was called, but I'm a lifelong user of that company and their product.

But like when I first heard about it, it was like, yeah, astronomer CEO.

It's like, Will, which is he?

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Oh, right, yeah.

But

there's talk that it might have been a planet.

Sure.

But it's, yeah, I just, I'm like, it's, I just want to acknowledge now that it's been three days and now, to the listener, it's been a month.

Yeah, I'm sick of it already.

And it's.

It'll be a gone away by then.

There'll be a whole other.

No, it'll be in like, this is like going to be the biggest story of the year.

I think it honestly will.

And the funniest part, too, is like, what's that guy's name from Copelay?

Chris Barton.

He's just basically doing crowd work.

Yeah.

That was him doing crowd work.

And we do that all the time.

We were like, oh, what are you guys having an affair?

Yeah.

And it literally happened to him.

Oh, that's what you hope one day as a comedian that you actually do find out a guy that's having an affair.

Yeah.

Hey, what are you doing?

We're having an affair.

Yeah, I'm cheating on my wife

yeah it's just so funny to see like it does feel staged yes it does feel staged and uh the one thing that i thought was funny was in philadelphia the philly fanatic and a few you like

you like that yeah i like that i was that's when i was sick of it i was like now i'm sick of this i said it to pop topic because he's a philly guy i was like yeah he wouldn't have seen it

he wouldn't have seen it otherwise

what did he say to you he's very proud oh really yeah

he won't reply to me.

You got to send him Philly's content.

That's true.

That's what he's looking for.

Anyway, so that's what's going on with me.

Not much, but I know something big is going on with you.

No, there's nothing big going on with me.

But a couple weeks ago, we were talking about a movie that has been referenced a lot

here and there for years and years.

Do you like movies?

Yeah, are you a movie guy?

Big movie guy.

What's your favorite genre of movie?

I love gangster movies, man.

Best gangster movie?

Godfather Part 2.

Classic.

For sure.

I think Godfather Part 2 is the greatest movie of all time.

Yeah, I mean, it's a pretty safe bet.

Yeah.

Yeah.

Yeah, but have you seen part three?

Oh, part three is amazing.

Part three is amazing.

It's fun.

Part three is fun.

It is fun.

But it's so bad.

You know what I mean?

Can I tell you something?

I've only seen part one.

Oh, you've never seen part two.

Part two is good.

I know part two is good.

It's like Pannington 2.

So good.

I just get too much light streaming in from my windows.

I can't enjoy a dark.

Why?

That's crazy.

You stopped watching wrestling when your brother left.

You stopped watching

Godfather Part 2.

That's crazy.

No,

it's definitely on the list.

It does feel like a big time commitment.

It's three hours.

It's a lot.

But it passes by really quick.

It does.

And it bounces around.

I'm sure it does.

Yeah.

My problem with a three-hour movie is I fall asleep.

I need to watch it in the morning.

It needs to be right.

Right after church, obviously.

Right after church.

I need to fake six so my whole family goes to church without me.

All right, Godfather two time.

But I feel like so much time has passed since I saw Godfather One, I'll have to rewatch it.

Yeah, you know what goes on.

Offrey Camp Reviews on my daughter's wedding day.

This isn't that the first time.

Luca DeBrossi sleeps with the fishes.

Yeah, I leave the canoli.

Yeah, I leave the canoli.

Exactly.

No way.

Come on.

Son of a girl.

Leave the gun.

Take the cannoli.

Yes.

And then, you know,

somebody gets killed at the little

border crossing or whatever.

Fredo broke.

You broke my heart.

You broke my heart.

You know, you remember all the big parts.

That's so cool.

That's part two.

That's part two.

Fredo breaks his heart, part two?

Part two.

Well, then I don't need to see it.

Oh, shit.

No, I want to see it.

Guys.

I started by asking if you love film because we get a lot of guests who are like, I don't really watch movies anymore.

I love my phone.

Yeah.

That's cruel.

Who says that?

That's crazy.

Gen Z.

Gen Z.

Oh, no, man.

I love movies.

Me too.

I love going to a movie by myself, bro.

Yeah.

Yeah, going to a movie by yourself is fun.

Yeah.

Yeah.

Big cigar afterwards.

Yeah.

Or a big cigar like Cape Fear.

But I watched a movie that we've talked about here and there.

No, not a gangster movie, but by great director Francis Fort Coppola, a movie called Jack.

Oh,

a Robin Williams film from the 90s.

Oh, I've never seen that.

I thought you were going to say Megalopolis.

No, no, no, no, Jack.

How was Megalopolis?

Did you guys see it?

Oh, it was a disaster.

It was a disaster for real?

Yeah.

I fell asleep.

I saw it in the theater by myself, and I fell asleep.

Well, because Apocalypse Now was a disaster when it came out.

Yeah, this will be a disaster for a long time now.

I got to see it.

See how bad it is.

Yeah.

Yeah.

Well, it's

no Jack.

Jack, so Jack.

So Francis Ford Coppola, he makes The Godfather.

Yeah.

He makes Godfather Part 2.

He makes Apocalypse Now.

He makes...

What are the other

iconic?

Well, he did Bram Stoker's Dracula.

That was sort of more, but I think of that as just being like, a guy's got to work.

Yeah.

Well,

Jack was pretty much hot off of Bram Stoker's.

From Drac to Jack.

Yeah, exactly.

That's what it says on the poster.

Conversation.

He's back from Drack to Jack.

Yeah, the conversation.

Yeah.

That's another one.

yeah those are the big like but that was like his peak i think so that like well you haven't even seen jack so how do you know i didn't even know he made jack that's crazy yeah it was crazy to me when i was watching the opening credits and it said direct by friends for why did you

why did you choose that to see as a uh

uh like not knowing it was him just because we talk about it because we talking about it do you know this movie i know i know about it but i haven't seen it yeah yeah i same i i know

I know the premise.

Robin Williams is a little boy who has some kind of

old man aging disease.

He's 10, but he looks like he's 40.

Oh, wow.

So Robin Williams, in the movie, he's playing a 10-year-old.

Yeah.

And the opening is very funny.

The opening sequence is the mother, Diane Lane, giving birth, and

she's only been pregnant for two months.

Baby's fully developed because he's fast aging.

So nine months he does in two months.

I don't think that's how that would work.

Well, all of it doesn't.

All of it.

There is an aging disease, though.

But not like this.

There's like progeria where you're like, yeah, look like an old guy, but you're not fully grown like a man.

Because he comes out a fully grown man.

He comes out a baby, but by the time he's 10, he looks like he's 40.

Oh, damn.

Yeah.

So that's the, and it just explains if he did a full nine months.

That would be a.

He'd mangled a bejingle.

Yeah.

And he'd come out super hairy as well, which he is.

He's a hairy kid in this movie.

Do they do?

Do they talk about that?

Oh, all the time.

That's so funny.

And he, they explain away the aging thing very quickly.

Like, oh, it's a weird thing.

Anyways, this is the way it is.

And they don't let him go to school because he's, you know, he's kind of like a freak.

He's different.

And he knows that the parents know he's going to be made fun of at school.

Now, here's the thing.

Robin Williams, playing a 10-year-old, he's fantastic.

Yeah.

He's, you, I forget sometimes how good Robin Williams is as like a movie star.

And it was like I was ready to sit down and make fun of this movie.

He's good.

He's good.

He's like.

I believe it.

Yeah.

And he's.

He's never not good.

He's never not good.

And it's the premise of the movie seems stupid.

And the advertising for it that I've seen seems really stupid.

But

is there...

Did you

like to watch a movie and then go to the IMDb trivia page?

Very much.

My question is, was this written for him?

No, but it was.

He really wanted to work with Francis Four Coppola, and Francis Four Coppola was interested in this project, so they decided to do it together.

Okay.

It's amazing.

But Disney, it was a pet project of Robin Williams.

He wanted to do this movie, and he did it at Disney because they broke a promise to him, and this was their way of making it up to him.

Was there a promise about Aladdin?

It was, that he wouldn't be involved in the promo of Aladdin, and they made that the center of the advertising campaign.

That's Robin Williams as

the genie.

So they did this project.

You gotta be in the promo for Aladdin.

Why didn't he want to be in the promo?

He didn't want to be the guy featured.

It was fine that his name was in it, but they kind of made it.

Anyways, this was.

No, but Robin, you're wrong about that.

You can't make this movie without you being the center of the.

It's kids love you.

Kids do love you.

Who are they going to love?

The guy who played DJ's boyfriend on Full House?

Yeah, I mean, don't count him out.

Scott Weiner, who played Aladdin, but only the speaking, not the singing.

Or Gilbert Godfrey.

Yeah, they did.

Oh, Drew.

That's true.

Yeah.

Yeah.

Exact movie.

It was.

This movie,

pretty good cast.

The mom die on Lane.

Fran Dresher is in it at one point.

Michael McKeon's in it at one point.

Unfortunately, at one point, Bill Cosby's in it.

But another guy, when you see him perform, you're like, I get why he was famous.

Like, he's very good in this movie.

Bill Cosby.

Bill Cosby.

And so they let him go to school.

And that's kind of the biggest, like, you know, leap of logic that they're like, okay, we'll let him go to school with 10-year-olds.

You know, his desk is going to fall apart when he sits at his little tiny desk.

You know, that's falling over.

He goes in the treehouse.

You know, that treehouse is coming down.

He's too big.

He's too big for all these things.

He's too big.

But why do they love him?

Why do the kids come around to being pigs fans of his?

He can buy porn.

He can buy penthouse.

He can buy.

And do the 10-year-olds really like porn?

I guess.

When did I start loving porn?

I mean, I feel like I've always loved it when I look back.

Yeah, I was definitely interested in its existence as a 10-year-old.

Yeah, I think that everything they had the 10-year-olds doing, I was like, this is something that 10-year-olds did.

Like mixing a bunch of stuff-gross stuff together and making somebody eat it.

Classic.

Did Robin Williams eat it?

Classic 10-year-olds.

Yeah, he had to.

It'd be ingratiated.

Yeah.

Did.

Damn, I had such a good question.

It'll come back to you.

Does he do they talk about like in like, is he going to die at 20?

He, well, that's one of the things.

They do a project.

What do I want to be when I grow up?

He just wants to be alive.

Oh, sure.

Wow.

Yeah.

It actually, like, for a very silly movie, it was kind of misty.

It was kind of like...

Even your voice cracked when you said that.

It was like, I was surprised by how, and, like, it got

savaged by critics.

I'm surprised that you like something so sweet, considering you're a Satanist and we all believe it.

But I, you know what?

They kind of say Satan's the original,

you know, sweet.

He's sort of a rascal.

Yeah, he's a little rascal.

A little hot stuff with his little pitchfork.

But yeah, it was like...

Remember Hot Stuff?

The little devil guy that looked like Casper the Friendly Ghost?

Oh, yeah, true, true.

Dude, when I learned about Satan

in Islam?

Yeah.

In Islam, there's a Satan in Islam as well.

Yeah, yeah.

It's like the same thing.

His name is Abilis.

Abilis, sorry.

Islab.

Fuck, I forgot his name.

I'm fucking up his name.

But his story is so like you feel bad for him.

I do at least.

Sure.

It was a good guy.

You know, he just really loved God so much.

Yeah, that says Satan was just a fallen angel.

Yeah.

He loved God so much, but then God made us and he got jealous.

Yeah, how does Satan

get kicked out of heaven?

You're You're out of here.

I don't know.

We didn't really go much into hell.

Hell's not a big part of church.

I think it is in some churches.

In some churches.

Some churches, that's all it is, is hell avoidance.

Yeah, yeah.

And yeah.

But this movie, like, like I say, long, long time of punchline, Jack, very silly, stupid premise.

It is a movie that I was like.

Did it flop?

Did it like?

Yeah.

Yeah.

Because it got savaged by the critics.

Like critics said this was such a dumb movie.

Did kids, was it marketed to kids to see?

I don't know.

That's the thing.

Would it be something kids would like?

Yeah, because I mean, it is all about.

Because you're a peculiar man.

And so, like, it's hard to market things to a peculiar man.

But you know what?

A movie where he's playing a little kid, pretty peculiar.

That's true.

How's the acting?

The acting's great.

He...

is so great in it and they apparently they one of the methods they did was all rehearsals were done with the adult actors and like an actual kid so that they would be talking like you'd be talking to a kid.

And then for the actual take, he would come in and be the, so they were already in the mode of talking to a kid.

Yeah.

And he was good.

Like he was very,

you're like, Rob Williams is so amazing.

Incredible actor.

Yeah.

Incredible.

That's like.

That I was talking earlier.

Like, that's what I want is to be a funny.

Because I don't even think of him as a comic anymore.

I think of him as a

an actor.

And it was one of those things that I was like,

how did this film get made?

And the answer is, he was money in the bank.

Yeah.

Ron Williams?

But we talk about toys sometimes.

Yeah.

That other movie he made around the same time that was like, well, that's Ron Williams, a movie about toys.

How could I not love it?

And no one saw it.

Yeah.

Who directed toys?

That's a great question.

What was toys?

Let's pull it up.

We're going to find out as a group.

1992 film.

Oh, that looks so bad already.

Yeah.

The poster looks pretty bad.

Drawing Robin Williams, Joan Cuzek, and LL Cool J.

Okay, I'm back on board now.

L Cool J.

Oh, it's a Barry Levinson joint.

Oh, okay.

Barry Levinson joint.

He made the natural.

And Good Morning, Vietnam.

So they'd work together.

And he'd just come off Bugsy.

And didn't he also make a late career

Robin Williams RV?

Was that one of the Barry Sonnenfeld?

Oh, that's right.

You get your Barry directors mixed up.

So what is the premise of Toys?

Oh, Toys is a surrealist comedy,

a box office failure, Jamie Foxx's feature film debut.

Whoa.

Okay.

That's crazy.

It lost to Howard Zend for art direction and costume design.

Oh, it lost to Bram Stoker's Dragula in costume design.

Oh, shoot.

With the Oscars, and it is.

Boy, this.

Just give me.

It was nominated for a Razzie, too, which is hilarious.

Oh, yeah.

Oh, that's the dream, though, either to be nominated for an Oscar or be a nominal

for a Razzie.

Yeah, just being on one end of that spectrum.

Kenneth Zivo, the eccentric owner of Zivo Toys in Moscow, Idaho,

I'm with you.

I think it's home of either University of Idaho or Idaho University,

faces terminal illness where he is a 10-year-old boy with an old man body.

Defying expectations, he bypasses his son, Leslie, a whimsical toy maker.

Can we get a one-sentence

tagline?

IMDB does a good thing.

Laughter is a state of mind, is the tagline.

Oh, yeah, let's find toys on IMDb.

Yeah, they'll have a synopsis.

IMDB is where it is.

I love IMDB.

Yeah.

When Lieutenant, no.

When Lieutenant General Leland Zeevo, Sir Michael Gambon, inherits a toy-making company and begins making war toys, his employees band together to stop him before he ruins the name of Zeevo Toys forever.

Okay.

And you just see

Robin Williams doing his hip-hop character.

Yeah.

Yeah.

What were some of what were the main Robin Williams characters?

The hip-hop character, there's always a gay character.

Like a Latin character.

A Latin or a Latin?

Both.

Those were the big three there.

And sort of a like a housekeeper type.

Yeah.

Oh, man.

Yeah, the hit after hit.

Yeah, he was money in the bank.

Yeah, yeah, man.

He was, Mrs.

Delfire is insane.

So good.

Yeah.

Yeah.

Such a tear jerker.

Yeah, and that's what

I would recommend toys.

It's on Disney.

Not Toys, Jack.

I would recommend Jack and not Toys.

Thank you.

I recommend against Toys.

Do you guys want to move on to some overheard?

Sure.

Hi, is this Archer?

Yes.

Hello, who is this?

Hi, this is Tom Lum from Let's Learn Everything.

I'm calling about your maximum fund memberships extended warranty.

Do you have a few seconds to talk about that?

I think I have to go.

No, no, no, no, no, oh no, they're going to be so mad at me.

Okay, fine.

Did you know that as a part of your max fund memberships extended warranty, you even picked as the member of the month, which is wild.

And we're so excited to have you.

It's so exciting.

Thank you.

So as our member of the month, you will also be getting a $25 gift card to the Maximum Fund store, a special member of the month bumper sticker, a special priority parking spot at Max Fun HQ in Los Angeles, California, just for you.

Also, I have to read, hold on, I have to read this.

It says, we at Maximum Fund apologize, you ended up with the worst host of the three, and as consolation, you'll be getting those.

Why is that included?

I don't remember that being there for the other.

It's okay.

I can settle.

It's fine.

Max Fund members are the best.

Become a Max Fun member now at maximumfun.org/slash join.

Say you like video games, and who doesn't?

I mean, some people probably don't.

Okay, but a lot of people do.

So, say you're one of those people and you feel like you don't really have anyone to talk to about the games that you like.

Well, you should get some better friends.

Yes, you could get some better friends, but you could also listen to Triple Clay, a weekly podcast about video games hosted by me, Kirk Hamilton, me, Maddie Myers, and me, Jason Schreier.

We talk about new releases, old classics, industry news, and whatever, really.

We'll show you new things to love about games and maybe even help you find new friends to talk to about them.

TripleClick.

It's kind of like we're your friends.

Find us at maximumfun.org or wherever you get your podcasts.

Overheard.

Overheard's a segment on the show, which you know it.

You know it, you love it.

You overhear things, you oversee things, and we share.

It's only fair if you get those kind of inputs to output it here.

If you want to send one to us, you can send it into spy at maximumfund.org.

We always like to start with a guest.

Yeah.

Rito, do you have something funny you've overheard or overseen?

Go ahead, whenever you're ready.

So I was in Edmonton,

right?

With my buddy.

Boo.

I hate Edmonton.

I hate Edmonton.

Fuck Edmonton.

As a city, as a place, as a team, as everything.

I hate Edmonton.

So I was with, I'm a little bit more.

We have listeners all over this country, and I just got to say, I love Edmonton.

I don't.

I was in Edmonton with my buddy Ahmed.

Ahmed, he's a comic from out there.

And we were outside of the Rogers Center.

Okay.

The big hockey arena.

Big hockey arena where the Oilers play.

One of the enemy.

One of the many places in this country named after Rogers.

Yeah, we got one here in Vancouver.

Toronto's got one.

Toronto's got two.

Oh, yeah.

Two Rogers Centers?

There's a Rogers Center and a Rogers

Arena?

Stadium?

Yeah, what's ours?

We have a Rogers Arena, and Edmonton has Rogers Place.

Toronto has Rogers Center, and Rogers was the other one that I said.

Field?

Maybe.

Yeah.

Field.

I think it's Stadium.

Rogers State.

That's where Cold Play played in Toronto.

Oh.

Do you like Cold Play where you got guys Cold Play guys?

Not me.

I liked first album, or at least the first song.

I liked yellow.

Oh,

greatest rock album of all time.

All time.

Not even alternative.

R L Piece, Clumsy.

Oh, yeah, sure.

Of all time.

Classic.

That's your favorite rock album?

Front to back.

I don't care about Superman.

What do you know of that album?

You know.

I know Clumsy.

Superman's Dead.

Superman is Dead.

Oh,

Flowers.

There I am.

Flowers, yeah.

Clumsy, the title track.

Come on.

This is a solid album.

Classic album, man.

I'm going to listen to it as soon as I get it.

You have to.

You have to.

You have to.

And another

Canadian band, Black Mountain.

Oh, sure.

From Vancouver.

Yeah, yeah.

I'm surprised that you liked both of those bands.

Dude, I'm secretly a white guy.

Well, no, but like,

I love Black Mountain, and I don't really care about R Lady Peace.

So, like, it's, I think it's, they're kind of

on different ends of the spectrum of the rock spectrum.

Yeah.

Yeah, but I'm I'm going to listen to it because it's, there are a lot of bangers on that.

Bangers.

I love Black Mountain and the side project Pink Mountaintops, which is, I think, just songs about sex.

Whoa.

Black Mountain song Wukan.

Do you know that song?

Wukan?

No.

Oh, my God, dude.

It's

electric.

It's rock, baby.

And I'm a hip-hop guy, but that's rock.

Yeah.

Please put that on.

Put your kids to sleep.

Turn off the lights.

Hey, have a cigar.

Go have a cigar, build a fort, and listen to Wukan.

Spell it.

W-U-C-A-N.

Okay.

WuCan.

Okay.

Fire.

You would love it, Grant.

I'm going to, look, this is, I've got a project

Black Mountain Beard.

I can't wait.

Guys, I'm opening.

I saw Jack.

I'm going to listen to these albums.

I'm exposing myself to all sorts of new

arts and crafts.

Okay, I'll go back to the Rogers thing, but when you said overheard,

I couldn't think of anything I overheard recently, but it immediately popped in my head was when the first time I ever heard my friend my best friend getting head

at a house party and dude I was a virgin until I was 23 okay right so I just wanted to hear what it sounded like sure do you put a glass up to the door bro I legitimately did

and what did it sound like bro I heard him getting headed and

by a really hot white Earls girl okay an Earls girl yeah like an Earl's girl but we were like kids so she didn't work out maybe she did I don't know because she was 16, and he was 16.

So, anyways, I went and put the

seven more years of waiting.

Wait, dude, I waited.

I couldn't wait.

And I heard him getting head, and I just heard him go, oh,

like he was on a, like, what are those things called?

Ping pong?

A pogo stick?

Pogo stick.

Like, he was on a pogo stick, and I remember,

it was

dude getting his dick sucked.

And I was like, damn, that sounds fun.

And I got to ask, now that you're older, is it?

It's, bro, I wish I could make a noise like that.

Hey, during sex?

Oh,

dude.

And I'll never forget it.

And I bring it, I tell him every time, and he goes, yeah, dude, I did make that.

I remember making that noise.

And I remember the girl who did it.

I'm doing that every time.

Is he ever like, hey, knock it off?

I'm at work.

Hey, dude, I'm married now.

I'm married.

I'm married.

Now I don't make any noise.

Kids are asleep.

And I remember that girl, too.

She was a rocket.

Yeah.

She was a rocket, bro.

Blink 182, you know?

That type of girl.

Oh, sure.

Right?

Low-waist jeans.

Girl of the rock show.

Yeah.

Oh, juicy on the back.

That's a good white girl.

I love a good white girl.

You know what I mean?

She's a nice blonde hand.

Dude, I know what you mean.

Lip ring, lip ring.

Smokes cigarettes at the Petro Canada.

Oh, there you go.

Wears a little visor.

I smoke cigarettes at the Petro Canada.

You couldn't say that she doesn't care, you know.

She's around, she doesn't care.

Yeah, yeah, she doesn't care.

Uh, that's great.

Yeah, but I want to hear your Edmonton one, yeah.

So, the Edmonton one, so that was a good one, that was a good overseeing.

Yeah, I wasn't sure if it wasn't or not, anything, yeah.

The salesmanship was what so the one that I seen, so I didn't really see it, I was in it, but I saw someone.

So, we're parked outside of the Rogers Center, and I see a white Mustang pull up and it's got black rims and I go damn that's a sick car and I look at my boy I go bro

that's Connor McDavid

and then my boy goes who's Connor McDavid he's you know Muslim guy doesn't give a fuck about hockey sure so then he I go bro roll your window down and he rolls it down and then I tell Connor McDavid roll your window down

and he does And I go, yo, you Connor McDavid?

And he looks over at us and he goes, yeah.

And I go, you're a fucking bust.

And then we speed off.

We sped off.

I call Carter McDavid a bust to his face.

And he is a bust.

Where's your cups at, bro?

Where's your cups at?

Hey, you're the greatest hockey player of all time.

Where's the cups?

I want to see your cups, bro.

I don't care about the stats.

I mean, Rutski had cups.

Messier, cup.

Yeah.

Lanny McDonald, cup.

Absolutely, Lanny McDonald.

If you had the chance, would you?

Call him a bust?

Yeah.

No, but I definitely don't want to see it as a cops.

I do not want to see Edmonton win a cop.

No, I understand that.

Really?

Yeah.

Are you on our side?

I'm on my side.

Drew Van Cooper guy.

Yeah.

Canucks.

Yeah.

Amazing.

Yeah.

Amazing.

Why would I?

Oh, can I talk about one thing?

Yes, we can talk about one thing.

And I'm calling out some Calgary comics right now.

Okay.

There were so many Calgary comics during the playoffs this year that I saw with Edmonton Euler too.

Oh, yeah.

Everyone I know who grew up in Calgary is an Edmonton fan.

Except Graham.

But like, so many people grew up in the 80s that were like, well, if you're a kid, I can kind of,

it makes sense.

Like, well, I want to cheer for the team that's winning all, all, setting all these records and winning all these cups.

But then they're, they, you know, that's the team they grew up cheering for.

So what am I going to say?

Yeah.

There's a bunch of comics in Canada that got together during the finals.

Sorry, in New York.

We got together during the finals and we went to go watch the games.

And everybody was like, bro, come on, man.

It's for Canada.

It's for Canada.

I said, fuck that, dude.

You'll never see me cheer for Edmonton.

I don't care if Trump makes us to the 51st date.

I don't care if I get deported to a Salvadorian prison.

I don't care how much it means for Canada to be united right now.

You will never see me cheer for the Edmonton Oilers.

Okay.

Never.

You know what that shows about me?

Loyalty.

Yeah, that shows.

I'm a very loyal man.

I'm the same way, but I'm, you know, I'm, you know, keep to myself about it.

Yeah.

As Dave says, you know, when anybody scratch talks to Steve, we're not a threat to you.

Leave us alone.

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

We're like, you're more, we're more afraid of you than you are of us.

Dave, do you have an overview?

This was about another Canadian city.

Oh, yes.

I was watching TV this morning, and there was an ad.

Well, it was a closed captioning, was sponsored by Tourism Ottawa.

Okay.

Ottawa.

I love Ottawa.

Yeah.

Ottawa is a great city to go to.

You'd think it would be boring.

It's pretty boring, but it's nice.

It is nice.

Ottawa's the best.

It has all of it.

It has national museums.

Yeah.

It's, but it's like,

you know, what you can say about it is that it's boring, but it is nice.

It is nice.

It's pretty.

It's the people are nice.

Yeah.

And I don't want it.

What do I care about boring?

What am I going to go do something exciting?

Yeah, water sliding or.

But do you know what the tourism slogan is for Tourism Ottawa?

Catch the wave.

You're going to hate it.

Always yours.

Ottawa.

From O to A.

Oh my God.

That is bad.

That's crazy.

Who did that?

And it doesn't even make sense because it's not.

You don't say.

Are you supposed to be like, oh, to ah, yeah, but you don't pronounce it.

O to ah.

O to ah.

It should be from ah to wah.

You should be getting, you should see something cute and then cry.

Yeah.

That's aw too.

Wow, that's amazing.

Aw to wow.

You've played in Ottawa.

You've played it.

Bro, the last time I was in Ottawa, I think it was with you.

We were, we did something together in Ottawa.

Like a while back, yeah, and we went out.

That was in Ottawa, right?

It's possible.

Yeah.

But I love Ottawa.

Ottawa's my, like, it was one of my favorite cities to go to.

It's so, uh, it's so uh it's it's like beautiful.

The food's incredible.

The women are fly.

They're all earlier.

They're all girls.

Yeah.

Yeah.

I see the women out there and I go from O to ah

it's such a great and the food's amazing.

Yeah.

The food's incredible.

Yeah.

Yeah.

It's like the Lebanese food, the Italian food.

You got all the embassies down there.

You can see the prime minister scooting around.

Yeah.

I love it down there.

Yeah.

It's it's like Montreal for me.

Oh, yeah.

It's like Montreal.

It is kind of because it's older.

Yeah.

Yeah.

It's really cool.

I, every time they've got a lesser smoked meat, but

they do have.

They have a nice smoked brisket, something like that.

Yeah, I think they just use Montreal smoked meat.

But they do have.

It's close enough.

Yeah.

What's your guys' favorite city in Canada?

Hmm.

That's a really good question.

Actually, like, I very much like living in Vancouver.

I really like Toronto.

I've always really liked Toronto.

I'm going to exclude Vancouver because I live live here, but I would say Toronto or Montreal.

Like, I never thought I would like Toronto.

Every time I visit, I have so much fun.

Yeah, it's so much fun, and it's such a cool city.

And there's like, you know, it's the biggest.

It's the big.

And there's something, if you, whatever you like, Toronto has it.

Toe to toe.

That's true to Toronto.

Toe to toe.

I used to love Toronto.

I'm not in love with it as much as I used to be.

Yeah.

Yeah.

I truly do think like, and maybe this is my Alberta talking.

Sure.

But I think Western Canada is way better.

That's, man, you're not cheering for the Ottawa Senators if they get in a cup run.

You're a Western boy.

Yeah,

and right now, pound for pound, Vancouver, it's like not even a competition.

That's so beautiful.

Come back then.

Come move back.

I honestly think like, like if I ever do come, like, you know, like make some money.

Good money in comedy, I would move to like Victoria or Vancouver for sure.

Yeah.

Yeah.

Why not?

I love it out here.

Have your home base wherever you want it.

I love it out here.

It's so beautiful, man.

Yeah.

Like nothing compares.

And I smoke cigars every day when I'm here.

Nice.

I love it.

Me and Brent Butt.

Yeah, tough of them.

Yeah.

He must have gone in and they were like, hey, aren't you Brent Butt?

Can we get a picture?

Yeah, yeah.

Yeah.

Two biggest comedian smokers in town.

Now the Croto Marxist is dead.

Well, have you, you've been to Brent's place?

Oh, yeah.

He's got like a man cave.

But I've never seen him smoke a cigar.

No, you would ruin your man cave.

Yeah, exactly.

But he's got like a poker table.

It feels like it would fit in with the vibe.

Oh, sure.

See, yeah, that's the thing.

It's like his thing is up there.

His picture is up there, but I've never seen him smoke a cigar.

I think it's a celebrational thing that he smokes.

Oh, yeah, he does when he like finishes a screenplay.

Yeah, yeah.

It's a big cigar and a

glass of scotch.

You know, I've never, I've met him.

I've met him like a lot of times, but I've never really interacted with him.

But he's been liking my stuff on Instagram lately, and I love that.

I, because he's like a legend, yeah, you know, I love that dude.

It's because you're very funny, Marie.

He's the best.

Um, my overseeing, not anything particular, just like it's a dentist office.

You know, who I bet you'd really like, Kelly Kapowski.

You'd settle for Jesse if you

couldn't get her, but

go ahead.

This is a dentist office, which is, you know, usually it's just the name of the dentist, you know, doctor or whatever.

This one is, I think, trying to appeal to kids, or at least parents of kids,

called Playtime Dental.

Oh, that's fun.

It's fun, but it's really

good.

Yeah, we're going to Playtime Dental.

Oh, kids, you're going to love it.

They have toys stirring Robin Williams.

Just, that's what you see while you're getting dental work done is toys.

Be terrified.

Hey, you're high, just toys toys is there.

Robin Williams.

Oh my God.

I take my kids.

We go to a family dentist place, and they do show like Shrek in the lobby.

Sure.

Yeah.

How many kids do you have?

Boy.

Ah,

I got two.

He's got two.

Two little children.

That's amazing.

Two gals.

Two little gals.

Two daughters.

You'll never see them.

They vanish like ninjas as soon as people come over to visit.

That's so cute.

When I was a kid, my parents would force me to meet their friends who came over.

It didn't fix me.

It didn't make me feel like good at meeting people.

I think that makes people

socially anxious when they're older.

Dude, I hate meeting people.

When I have to meet Spanish people, I'd rather kill myself.

I know.

I'm the same way.

I hate it.

It's Spanish.

The number of people I don't like to meet.

Spanish people?

But from Spain.

From Spain.

Thank you.

Thank you for that.

Hey,

handshake.

A handshake.

Dude, I love that you know the difference.

That's man.

Knowing the difference of Spanish people and

looking people?

Dude, that guy's, that's, that's real.

He's real.

He's very real.

That's real.

Now, we also have overheard sent into us by people all over the world.

Do you want to send it into us?

Send it into spy at maximumfun.org.

You know why I don't like meeting Spanish people?

They're always throwing tomatoes at me.

Yeah.

And trampling

and running with bulls all over your clean carpet.

I hate meeting them because they're always colonizing me.

Yeah.

Now, this first one comes from Tim from right here in Vancouver.

Hey, Tim.

Thanks for writing in.

I overheard someone.

You'll be receiving the Stop Podcasting Yourself Prize.

Yeah, yeah.

You're the winner of the 50-50.

I overheard someone ask, so what do you do for work now?

And the other person answered, I'm an accountant, to which the response was, oh, wow, that's so boring.

It's true.

You don't have to say it right to the person who says the most famously boring job.

Yeah, accountant.

You can't name a more boring one.

No, I think that's it.

Accountant.

Yeah, the most loathed one when I was growing up was insurance salesman.

Oh, yeah.

Well, yeah, like used car salesmen.

Yeah.

Oh, lawyers.

People hated lawyers.

Yeah, still do.

Accountant, most boring, most fascinating?

Architect.

Oh,

that's a big one.

Yes.

Yeah.

Yeah.

It was a a big, I think maybe that's what the dad was.

No, he was a photographer.

And they own a palatial house.

Knowing Jack.

Jack, yeah.

You know who's the best, though?

Legitimately, Weatherman.

Yeah.

Everybody wanted, because Weathermen were famous in Calgary.

Yeah.

Like those like Dar McBoole.

Dar McBool.

Yeah.

I'm cool with Dar McBool.

Yeah, bro.

Jeb Fink, he was a...

Jeb Fink.

Yeah, he was a Weatherman for a while.

Was Chris Galis a Weatherman?

I know he was a news guy.

He is the news guy here.

But he started in Calgary.

As a Weatherman?

I think so.

And then he he was we got our uh we got our covet shots at the same place cool was his picture on the wall no he was he was there

i love that um

yeah it uh we did we really had a good i can't remember who was the last like weatherman guy before i moved it was like the weatherman in calgary but yeah there was like another because darn mcbool was the big one he was the big one yeah everybody loved darn mcbool yeah okay i love calgary man yeah yeah of course vancouver had wayne cox norm grohman

Mark Dreeson, and now Mark Madriga.

Oh, yeah.

Tamara Tagger.

Oh, absolutely.

She was a weather girl before she became, made the rare weather to anchor move.

Yeah.

That's amazing.

And then at one point, didn't she have her own show?

Yeah, and then ran for like

federal office.

Yeah.

We love her.

We love her, don't we, folks?

This next one comes from Chris from Pittsburgh, Pennsylvania.

I was shopping in Costco, and I heard someone say, you want me to pick up some stachios for the vacay?

What could that mean?

I don't know.

It's inscrutable.

But

yeah, you know what?

Pick up some stash.

Graham's allergic to nuts.

You are all nuts?

Yeah.

Peanut?

Yeah.

No.

Yes.

How does that feel?

I don't know.

It doesn't feel great.

What's your favorite nut?

Peanut butter.

Peanut butter, one of the best buttered nuts of all time.

Yeah.

Ice cream.

Need peanut butter.

You can't even have peanut butter ice cream.

I certainly cannot.

That's crazy.

There's an ice cream place around the corner from here that has a big-time peanut butter

flavor.

Just around the corner.

I'm going with my girl.

My girl's out there.

Okay.

I cannot wait.

Okay.

I want to take her out for some peanut butter.

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Make it happen.

Get some fudge sauce on top.

We're going to eat some and we're going to go, oh, it's going to be amazing.

That sounded like the kanji song.

Can't tell me nothing.

Yeah, exactly.

You can't tell me nothing.

This last one comes from Keith S., Parts Unknown.

Keith Sweat?

It was Keith Sweat.

Keith Sweat.

We were on a family vacation, and I was teaching my nephew how to make coins spin like a top.

He got very excited when I explained that a Sacagawea coin he had was worth a whole dollar.

I then overheard this exchange.

Boy's mom.

Do you even know who Sacagawea is?

Boy, God's son.

I mean,

you hear enough about the guy.

Yeah, Sacagawea.

It's just another word for God's son.

Yeah.

Who's that?

Who's that?

Sacaguea was, uh, I feel like, was

an indigenous woman who.

We don't get a lot of American history.

But she was she involved in Lewis and Clark.

Was she the one with Lewis and Clark?

Yeah.

Yeah, I feel like

she helped show the

white

colonizers a way to survive in the country.

She was a teenager who helped Lewis and Clark and explore the West.

Little did anybody back then know that would be a big,

you know, continent-changing.

We have the same in Latin America.

Yeah?

Yeah.

It's Malinche.

Malinche.

Yeah, Malinche was

the princess, I think Mayan or Aztec

that

basically set up the Aztecs and the Mayans for the Spanish colonizers to take over.

Right.

Did she know she was doing that or did she do it by accident?

Or she did it.

I think she was forced to.

I think she did it by.

Yeah.

I think it was like a bit of both.

Right.

You know what I mean?

Yeah, yeah.

To survive and one to like,

because she was forced to by the Spaniards.

Okay.

Yeah.

Those Spaniards.

Those Spaniards.

Are you the one they call the Spaniards?

Gladiator.

Nice.

Great film.

Well, I re-watched it.

Yeah.

Hated it when it came out.

Love it now.

Oh, I saw it in theater like four or five times.

Dave loved it.

He used to have a frame picture of it on the movie.

Well, we still have a frame picture of it.

Joaquim Phoenix in that?

Insane.

Yesterday I watched.

He had a really good scowl in the movie.

He was a little bit upset.

He was crazy.

Yesterday I watched the follow-up, Master and Commander.

Oh, sure.

Russell Crowe is a boat captain.

Was it good?

I watched it once when it first came out, or at least on DVD, and I was like, you know what?

I didn't give this movie a fair shake because I watched it on DVD before people had flat-screen TVs.

I feel like it is the most dad movie.

It is the most dad movie.

Yeah, like every dad loves Master and Commander.

I've never seen it.

Neither have I, but I know dads love it.

You know what I love?

Patton.

Oh, Patton's a real, that's a real dad movie.

Yeah, dude, I love Patton.

George D.

Scott, rest in peace.

Fire.

Yeah.

Mario Gomez, George D.

Scott.

Yeah, they're up there watching Pianos.

All right.

In addition to overheards that are written, and we also accept your phone calls and your voice memos.

If you want to send us a voice memo, it's spy at maximumfund.org.

And if you want to call us, the phone number is 1-844-779-7631.

That's 1-Ugh.

Spypod1, like these people have.

Hey, guys.

At a gun range in Ohio, checking in with the Rangemaster behind a couple, Dad and the Son.

Son is maybe 11 or 12 and dressed totally regularly, except for giant foam

slip-on crocs with shark fins on them and like teeth on the side.

And

the dad is talking to the range master who says something about, you know,

son's first time at the range.

And the kid wearing the shark foam croc says, Dad, don't embarrass me.

Off I go.

I want him to think I've been to the range a bunch i uh also like that you could hear guns yeah firing the whole time

i gotta call this in right away

put down my gun and then

wait which one am i talking into

oh i accidentally left a message on my gun

you've been to a gun range uh i've been uh yes i've been in gun range and for a bachelor party and i also did yeah clay pigeon you ever been to Gun Range?

Bro, never.

Never.

It's loud.

They're loud.

They're loud.

It's very

much

more powerful than you can imagine.

Yeah.

I can't even imagine.

I did a movie in December where I had to shoot a gun, like an actual

full

replica.

Like it was very real.

Yeah.

Had no idea what I was doing.

Yeah.

Like they had to be like, bro, you have to hold it this way.

You have to keep your thumb down.

Yeah, like, it's a lot.

I cut my

thumb.

Yeah, I did the same thing.

I had no idea.

They told me not to do it, but I was like, sure, my thumb's low enough.

It was not low enough.

And then it slides back and bro, like full sliced, like, I was bleeding

during the scene, right?

Like, they had to, like, whatever CGI that thing out.

Like, that was method.

It was crazy.

Yeah.

Yeah.

Yeah, it actually hurt me.

That's the other thing.

But I've never shot a gun in my life.

Yeah.

Like a real one.

They're scary, man.

Yeah.

Yeah.

For sure.

Here's your next phone call.

Hi, Dave, Graham, and probable guests.

This is Katie from Oakland.

I just walked out, calling in and overheard.

I just walked out of a 7-Eleven, and in the 7-Eleven, I heard a guy go, what the fuck?

$6.99 for what the fuck?

No freaking way.

Off I go.

So we never heard what it's $6.99.

That's a big price for something.

Yeah, I'm wondering what $69.

Pistachios?

$69?

No, I think $6.99.

$6.99.

I'm trying to think what would be $6.99 out of $7.11.

Magazine?

Yeah, that's too

life magazine about Pope Francis.

What the fuck?

Did you guys fuck with magazines back in the day?

Oh, yeah.

I'm the best.

I had a subscription to Esquire.

I had a subscription later on to The New Yorker.

We're only standing in, I had a subscription.

When I was 10, there was a boy in my class who looked 40, and he would buy us porn magazines.

Nice.

Yeah.

But he wasn't 40.

He was actually 10.

He was actually 10.

Bro,

how was Rolling Stone magazine?

Great.

Oh, man.

Because before

music blogs or any of that kind of stuff, it was the only way to hear interviews with.

Yeah.

And I also learned about different bands that you wouldn't learn about.

Are you guys hip-hop guys at all?

I like hip-hop.

I'm not, I wouldn't class myself as a hip-hop guy.

Because

we used to have the source magazine.

Oh, the source?

Yeah.

Just so you know, Graham quoted the only Kanye song that had Zach Alifanakis in the video.

It's true.

That is true.

But I lived off of that shit.

I lived off of it.

And I always thought, I'm like, oh, I should get Rolling Stone, too.

Yeah.

It was.

I remember one time in the late 90s, it was like one week Cheryl Crowe was on the cover of Rolling Stone, the next week.

Jacob Dylan from The Wallflowers.

And someone was like, huh, I wonder why kids aren't buying magazines anymore.

These 45-year-old rock stars.

I remember Seinfeld was on the cover three times, and uh, David Lennon was on one of the covers on the Seinfeld one was them basically wearing like uh leather bondage gear.

Do you remember the uh Jennifer Aniston's butt on there, like out of focus?

Yeah,

uh, there was these are the classic 90s Rolling Stone.

Oh, sure, Britney Spears on the phone with the teletubbing.

Yeah, yeah, um, yeah, those are the big, those are the bigs: John Lennon and Yoko smooching naked.

Oh, my God.

And here's your final.

I don't think it smells.

You know what it is?

Oh, yeah.

Yoke and Joe, kissing, yeah.

Here's your final phone call.

Hey, David Graham.

This is DA from Baltimore.

I went to mall

and I was in a Nordstrom department store.

And I was walking behind this, looked like a mom and a teenage boy.

And as I walked by, I heard the boy said, yeah, you know that towel she's been using to wipe her face and mouth

I've been using it to dry my balls and butt

I overheard the mom say why and he said well that's just a towel I'm using anyway off I go

Yeah, just, you know what, a towel is a towel.

I love that

both those calls were like, I got to get it.

You got to hear mall sounds.

You're going to hear gun sounds.

Well, that brings us to the end of the podcast.

Marito, thank you so much for being our.

Thank you for having me.

That was incredible.

You have, is this online, the Killjoy episode about you and you doing stand-up?

Where can people see it?

It's on Out TV.

Out TV.

Okay.

It's on Out TV.

And I think they're going to put it on YouTube

as well.

And my full special, like

jokes I do on that, is on YouTube as well.

What's it called?

Latin XXX.

Latin Triple X.

Yeah.

And where can people find you for your socials that you're working on you hate

Marito Lopez the god the god yeah okay yeah you really did have a why not Jesus a beach

why him why not me why Jesus why not me

That's so funny.

That's the first time I ever told anyone that, by the way, that I would picture my picture up there.

I think it's great.

It's crazy.

I think it's got to make its way into the act.

It has to.

Yeah, it's so funny.

It's insane.

And thank you, everybody out there, for listening to the church.

Let me

The Church of Satan, and look at Satan and be like, I should be the

come on, Anton LeVay, give me a shot.

Um, and thank you for everybody for listening.

If you're out there and you're shooting a gun, remember, keep that thumb nice and low, and come on back next week for another episode of Stop Podcasting Yourself.

Maximum Fun, a worker-owned network of artist-owned shows supported directly by you.