Episode 903 - Jacob Balshin

Hi, he's Dave Shumka.

And he's Graham Clark.

And together we host Stop Podcasting Yourself.

Woo!

Hello, everybody, and welcome to episode number 903 of Stop Podcasting Yourself.

My name is Graham Clark.

And with me, as always, is a man who's futzing around with his iPhone, Mr.

Dave Shumka.

I'm about to put on a protective thing on the

camera lenses.

And the reason I'm putting it on is because the last one broke and the one before that broke.

So are these...

I'm just worried I'm like rough with my cami lenses.

I don't even know that I have one.

I don't have one of those.

Should I have one of those?

No,

the new phone has like...

The camera lenses stick out more.

So I'm worried.

Yeah, maybe I should get one of those.

Well, anyway.

No, don't worry about it.

You're fine.

I'm fine.

How?

Yeah.

Okay.

Okay.

I'm worried.

I'm.

Oh, shut up.

Siri in this day and age.

Our guest today, first-time guest on the podcast, very, very funny comedian.

He is going to be playing at the Rio Theater here in Vancouver on July 30th.

It's Jacob Balshan.

Hello.

Hello.

Hello.

That felt like a gorilla-style ad off the top.

Yeah, I know.

I didn't even know I was doing it.

I was going to go on now.

Oh, who, me?

Yeah, what am I doing?

Why, I'm just loading up on Monster Energy Drink.

Monster, the number one energy drink for me.

I have the same camera thing, and now I'm like, is mine jutting out?

And I didn't have a, I don't have a protection.

I don't know.

I think I'm.

It just, when I bought my, uh, the film thing that goes on the front of the phone, do you do that as well?

The film thing.

No, I got a glass here.

Yeah.

I should.

I've broken.

I've broken these.

When I got that, it came with this on the back, but I,

they break, they like get, you know, um, scratched up at different rates.

So I, I replaced, and now I'm all out.

Okay, so you can't even, even if I wanted to.

I can't even.

You can't even.

Should we get to know us?

Yeah.

Get to know us.

Jacob, welcome to the podcast.

Thank you for being our guest.

Thank you for having me.

I'm very excited to be on the podcast.

Honored.

An honor.

It's so exciting to have you here because we were just chatting right before the podcast.

You've made Vancouver home for two months.

Or how long have you been here at this point?

I've been here for one month.

One month.

And you're originally from Toronto?

I'm originally from Toronto.

I've moved here with no plan just to be here.

Get the vibes.

How are the vibes?

The vibes here are awful.

Oh, shit.

Oh, no.

In the city or just this room?

No, the vibes in this room are very different than the outside of this room.

Yeah.

tell us about the vibe.

What are you getting?

People in Vancouver are, I mean, if you know people, it's very good.

I have friends, so it's good.

Who's your best friend?

Who's my best friend?

Her name's Lockra.

She lives here, and I get to visit her.

Oh, that's nice to be here with her.

Shout out to Lockra.

Shout out Lockra.

But I feel like people aren't the friendliest here.

You are correct.

Yeah.

Yeah.

It's a common complaint about the city is it's hard to make eye contact with anybody.

Yes.

I find Toronto, as soon as I get there.

Do you think maybe the whole city just is neurodivergent?

It's possible.

Is it possible you've been just like calling us rude and we're all just sort of like a little bit spicy?

Here's the thing.

I don't think people here are rude.

I think you just have such a different life that everyone's working so hard.

Working hard here?

Yeah.

Oh, I find it the opposite.

I find when I go to Toronto, there's hustle.

And then when I come here...

Maybe, but everyone's here working so hard, they're like miserable.

That's interesting.

You're in with a very different crowd than I have.

Really?

Graham's with the hardly working crowd.

Yeah, with the hardly working crowd.

We like to hang out, work on our cannonballs at the pool.

Your tans.

Yeah, work on our tans.

But yeah, I don't have.

I feel I always equated hustle with Toronto and maybe Montreal, but definitely not.

Montreal is like

slow and easy.

It's slow.

They're slow cooking.

They're smoked beef.

Yes.

But yeah,

you just came to the city.

No plan.

Zero plan.

Staying with your friend?

I'm staying in a basement of a comic, and I saw a mouse the other day.

So that's fun.

I got there, and I'm so, I'm never really home.

I'll be honest.

I'm like either filming or I'm doing comedy.

And I had like a day where I looked around like two weeks and I was like, oh, this is like a piece of shit.

Which took me like two weeks to be like, oh, there's spiders everywhere.

Yeah, basement suites and spiders really working together.

It's bad.

Yeah,

what does this basement look like?

Is it just a basement or is it passable as a suite?

It looks terrifying.

I brought a girl back and I had to be like, hey, I am not what this is.

Like, this does not represent me.

And I know it looks like I'm going to kill you, but I promise I also am scared.

Yeah, I'm afraid someone's going to kill me.

I'm afraid too down here.

This is a terrifying look.

Is it like, as places you've lived in, is it the worst or what's the worst?

Okay, here's, I make, oh, this isn't even close to the worst.

Okay.

I make videos where I go to people's apartments who are getting ripped off

for rent, and they're like often very shitty apartments.

And mine would truly go viral for being one of the worst ones I've gone to.

And I'm paying $1,400.

Dude, I feel like a dumbass.

I'm like, I'm the guy, and I did this.

Yeah, he did this.

Exactly.

That's how it goes, though, you know?

Yeah.

Well, what's happening in your apartment while you're away?

Well, I'm away, there's a mouse walking around.

Oh, in my other apartment.

Oh, you mean, yeah, there's a mouse walking around right now.

My other apartment, my roommate, has been on this podcast.

Her name's Natalie Norman.

Yeah.

Yeah.

There she is.

She, uh, she just let me not pay rent.

So you should know Natalie, who's probably enjoying having her own space for two months.

But I love you dearly for that.

Yeah, that's

so nice.

So nice.

Natalie's a very, honestly, incredibly supportive lady in my comedy.

That's amazing.

Has helped me a lot.

What's the last mouse or rat you saw?

Well,

not that long ago.

You know, if you hang out near any kind of bar or restaurant past a certain hour, rats.

I saw a rat in my backyard yesterday.

I got a little garden going in the back, and there's like

food.

Yeah.

And they love a radish.

Well, I don't have a radish, but

our raspberry tree is just bussing

and uh

that's where the rats are the raspberry bush uh and it's like uh i don't think they because there's plenty of raspberries on it that don't get eaten by uh varmints yeah but i think it was just hiding in it yeah ran past my toes probably peeing in it as well those rats they pee everywhere that's like really yeah mice and rats kind of pee everywhere that's they can't hold it in they've done studies can you hold it in no

and they also have to chew constantly or their teeth will grow through their own head.

Ew.

Yeah.

You know, these families.

Hey, I've lived in some of these places you are currently living in.

Have you ever seen an actual like cartoon mouse hole?

Honestly?

With like a welcome mat out?

Not with a welcome mat, but I have definitely seen like a kind of a half oval.

Like it's from real life at some point that people designed these.

But yeah, I had a mouse.

I lived at one place.

I had a mouse, captured it in a shoebox,

brought it outside, let it run away, and it ran right back to the house.

Yeah, you gotta close the door behind the house.

Or you gotta go like blocks away so it forgets where you live.

It locks the door.

That place had mice and a rat and ants.

Oh.

Ants just like they figure their way through the door.

Yeah, ants are a problem.

I mean, you know, was it me throwing popsicle sticks on the floor maybe it might have been my fault but uh once you get ants

good luck getting rid of them i saw um

oh i was at a movie theater a few weeks ago and i saw a mouse running through the like

through the popcorn machine no it was sort of like it at international village i knew it i was gonna i was gonna say it that's awesome and it was that area like there's the front lobby and then there's like you know you walk down a hall it was in the hall and a woman was there with her boyfriend and she goes, ah.

And I laugh.

I was like, are you new here?

And she's like, yes, I just got here.

I just got here.

I'm spending two months.

Natalie Norman's paying my rent.

So you,

one of the things, so you do these videos where you go to people's homes.

They're very funny.

Yeah.

And it's like, do you have to cajole people to do that or you just say, I wanted to film your apartment?

They're like, yeah, that's fine.

This is like, because we had talked earlier about like how you end up doing all these jobs as a comic you never thought you'd have to do.

I like am my own secretary and I truly am not a good secretary.

So a lot of days I just post a selfie and I'm like, can I come to your apartment?

But I've had like hundreds of people ask.

I just, I can't reply.

It's too much.

Oh, wow.

So people want you to come over and check out their pad.

Yeah.

Are they,

do they.

Like send pictures of it like, hey, my place really sucks.

Every time.

It's all these different like and sometimes I just go because I need a place and sometimes I go because they truly sent something I'm like I have to see what the fuck they're saying yeah this place is what's uh what's been like the place that you've gone into and you're like this is great this is a great apartment and the person is underestimating it I went to one that was at the King Edward Hotel in Toronto and retrospectively I think the girl's parents probably like owned the thing and she was like renting it from them because the price she was paying was like way below market.

Yeah.

Not even comprehendable.

Yeah.

It was the coolest shit ever.

It was a hotel.

Like it's one of these old hotels that is still a hotel and then they turned hers into an apartment and a gorgeous unit.

Yeah.

It was very cool to see.

It's weird when they, I don't understand that.

But it like it seems great.

Like to living in a hotel?

Yeah.

Yeah.

Like getting to walk through a hotel lobby before you go home.

Honestly, if that was on the table to live in a hotel, like an okay hotel, I wouldn't need a high-class hotel, but you know, best western

level, I would live in a best western, no problems.

And like in movies, when somebody gets kicked out, they're like, I'm staying at a hotel.

I'm like, how can you afford to stay?

Yeah, I always think that.

I'm like, whoa, you got to get in the yellow pages and get a place like right away, dude.

You're going to start paying hundreds of dollars a night.

And also yellow pages.

This is how Jewish I am.

I'm like, you're going to spend them.

The yellow pages.

Yeah, I'm showing some age.

But like, I remember the yellow pages.

Do they have an

section?

I remember as a kid, I just remember there was a pizza section, and this was that was the section that had the most like colorful inserts.

Yeah, and also the most wear and tear.

Yeah, yeah.

And then

there was like a restaurant section, but pizza had its own section, and I think Chinese food had its own section too.

And those were kind of the one and two of the delivery options.

What was the pizza spots out here growing up?

Oh, pizza 222 with the phone numbers: 2222222.

Good for that.

Panago, before it was Panago, was Panagopolis.

Oh, did Panago start here?

I don't know.

I think so.

But we had it, and it was different.

And

what did we get?

Oh, well, I mean, there was a bunch of tiny little, like,

people got it from like Stavros Pizzeria or something.

Rick of that pizza.

Yeah.

But the delivery really didn't

happen much, except for, I think, Panagopolis did.

And then when Domino's finally opened on Dunbar.

Yeah, the one in Calgary, the big Calgary one, was Pizza 73, which was 2737373, Pizza 73.

And that's like Pizza Pizza, but out here, like, isn't it?

Yeah, Pizza Pizza Pizza Pro.

Are they the same owners?

No, but they were for sure interested in each other's product.

It was bad.

But like, do you remember?

Are you from Toronto originally?

I'm from Thornhill.

It's just outside of Toronto.

What was your family pizza place that you would go to?

God, and also your family video rental place.

My family video rental place was, I think, Rogers.

Okay,

a good Rogers video.

I loved a Rogers video growing up.

And where did we order pizza?

We were big into pizza pizza, to be honest.

Classic.

If I had to think about it.

Yeah.

Yeah.

We were

classic.

It's cheap.

Feeding a whole family, cheap.

Yeah.

Yeah.

Was that

the two things I described?

Was that like a night?

Like, okay.

Video rental and pizza.

This is like our treat.

Yeah.

My parents didn't really parent.

They truly like every night was a pizza night of my ass.

We were having pizza a lot.

And this was back in the 40 minutes or free days, the golden era.

I loved that shit.

When you got to like really, you're looking at the time.

I was just as a wave.

It was fun to think about it.

I know.

As an adult now, it's depressing.

It's depressing.

I like following that tracker.

I like

following the tracker.

But if someone showed up, I mean, they don't do the guarantee anymore.

No.

And I think

on TV and like watching American TV, it was 30 minutes.

And so when you say 40 minutes, I'm like, okay, this is going to be, this is, Canada gets the short shrift again.

Yeah.

And

so

your household was like a fast food household?

Oh, yeah.

A lot of fast food.

My dad loved to take you to hockey and then get you McDonald's on the way home.

Like you just ruined everything you just worked for.

Like take you to play hockey?

Yeah.

Okay.

And then, yeah, just you lost a lot of calories there.

Let's fill you right back up to the brim.

Yeah, they'd always be like, why is Jacob throwing up before the game?

Oh, he had four Snickers.

That was his dinner.

How long did you play hockey for?

I played hockey till I was 16 or 17.

Oh, shit.

Yeah, yeah.

Do you still

haven't put on skates in years?

I could probably like ball hockey and be decent, but I'm truly very out of shape.

I did it because I took 25 years off.

I came back when I was 38.

Whoa.

After stopping when I was 13.

And

but I was always like, I was like, I miss it so much, but it's too expensive.

It's very expensive.

I'm very like, I'm scared of getting hurt.

And it's also like, none of my friends do it, so I'd have to meet new people.

No, do that.

That's a Vancouver.

That's Vancouver shit.

That was to make Vancouver.

I did.

I came back and now I'm the best that ever did it.

Oh, hell yeah.

Yeah,'cause I know

like recently I'm the king of just waking up and being like, oh,

something's tweaked, something's moved, something's strained, and it's just a great time to be alive.

I'm very scared of getting hurt.

Yeah,

because you're 30?

I'm 32.

32.

That stuff doesn't heal after a while.

It doesn't matter.

You've still got a couple of years of some jackass stunts.

You have a few years of like, oh, your bruise goes away in a week.

Yeah, but it's going away.

Oh, yeah.

I mean, everybody over time.

It's just the way of the world.

I skied into a tree once, like years ago, and my legs still, I feel it.

Yeah.

Yeah.

Were you like a regular skier or is this?

No.

I feel like that's not something a regular skier does.

What happened?

Did you break a leg?

I broke my kneecap.

Oh, my God.

Oh, Jesus.

What is that?

Yeah, that sucks.

The tibial plateau, I think it was.

Did you get a cast for that?

Or did you just?

Well, here's the thing.

I don't think they knew what I'd done.

Like,

they wanted to check for like MCL, ACL stuff, but I think that stuff's hard to check for.

So they thought I had torn my ACL and my MCL.

So I was like, oh, this is going to be like a year, year and a half.

And then at the end, they were like, no, you just broke your kneecap.

You could take off your casp right now.

I was like, just join up.

Just don't kneel for a while.

Yeah, if you could stay away from trees, that would help us.

Where was this?

Was this in Ontario?

This is in Ontario.

I couldn't ski out here.

If I'm breaking kneecaps in Ontario, I can't ski in British Columbia.

The fact that there are people that do those outdoorsy things that Vancouver's famous for.

I don't know any of them.

I don't know anybody who skipped.

I do know people who like.

I know people that like maybe go maybe wakeboarding.

Yeah, or like stand-up paddleboarding.

I know a couple of people do that.

Maybe kayak.

But I don't know anybody who skis.

No, yeah, no one who does like extreme stuff.

I know people who ski.

It's they, yeah, it's expensive.

That's expensive.

That's an expensive, privileged sport.

So it's hockey, though.

Yeah, that's true.

That's the funny thing about hockey.

I was like at a decent level in hockey, but I would never say I was good at hockey.

I just had parents who paid for me to do hockey.

Of the kids who could afford to do hockey in my area, I was one of the better ones.

But let's face it, all the kids who couldn't would have kicked our asses.

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Well, it's especially like goalies.

Like anyone who's a professional goalie, it just like had rich parents.

Oh, God.

It's expensive.

And my brothers, they played hockey.

And then in the offseason, they played lacrosse.

And lacrosse is so violent.

It's crazy that they let kids do it because you're allowed to just like strike them with your stick, and that's part of the game.

Yeah, and hockey, you bump into each other and you slide away.

Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.

CTE stuff when I started playing hockey, so they had no idea.

So when I was like 12, I remember them coming into the dressing room like at the beginning of a year and just being like, guys, you can hit.

And none of us knew how to hit.

I broke a kid's collarbone in the first game.

Jesus.

Yeah,

I was a bad.

I was big.

I'm not anymore, but I was

one of the biggest.

When I was a kid, I was a bigger kid.

I mean, I grew up in a Jewish neighborhood.

It doesn't take much to be a bigger kid amongst the Jews.

And is

because I've never, I was a smaller kid always.

And I remember the bigger kid in my class.

And I was like, what is it like to be the bigger kid?

Do you feel powerful?

I wasn't like the biggest.

Who's the biggest?

The biggest kid was Adam Kedesky.

Adam sounds like a big guy.

He played on my hockey team, but he was like a gentle giant.

He was one of those big guys who everyone's like, Why can't you use your strength?

And he's like, I just want to study.

I don't want to be here.

He's a doctor now.

Oh, really?

Yeah.

Wow.

Okay.

Is he still big?

He's probably giant.

Yeah.

Yeah.

Because there's something he's always accidentally breaking people's bones.

Like, I'm trying to fix you.

I can't.

It always gets worse.

Yeah.

Let me just sew this up.

Oh, my clumsy giant fingers i'm tearing you apart my brother has a friend who is like six eight six nine huge huge guy six nine nice yeah and uh all he wanted to do was play the piano because he had like a big oh hands that were very good at playing the piano but he didn't want to do any sports he would have been you know a lock to be volleyball basketball maybe even a football guy nope like the same thing gentle giant barely knew that he was huge you know it's got to suck to just be tall and not like that stuff.

Yeah.

Yeah.

I'm big.

I like, I'm not a big fan of the NBA.

I watch a lot of NBA.

I actually listen to a lot of NBA podcasts.

And one thing they talk about in depth a lot is like, there's a lot of players who just hate basketball, but they're like so tall and skilled.

And it's like, what am I not going to get paid $10 million?

Isn't Jokic like he's like, he would rather be harness racing?

I probably.

He seems like as soon as the season ends, that guy's like done with it.

I know.

The year they won the championship, they were asking him about the parade, and he was like, I have to stay for the parade.

That's exactly where you're just like, he's a giant guy who's just so good at a thing.

And it's like, all right, I got to do the thing.

But I don't want that to define.

Yeah,

like he's backed his way into being like.

In the conversation, it's one of the all-time great.

But he's like, I want to be a doctor.

Yeah, exactly.

That's him in his daydream is him being in an office and like tending to somebody's ACL, these type of things.

Yeah.

Yeah.

The big, was the big kid when you were growing up?

Oh, there were twins.

Big twins.

Wow.

They were, they were, but they were nice.

Yeah.

But were they like quite tall compared to everybody else?

Yeah.

There was a guy in my high school.

Yeah.

I don't want to name names.

I've gotten, I've used to name names on the show, and now everyone knows when I name names.

I regret saying Adam Kudeski.

I used to heard that.

You don't got to bleep Adam Kudeski.

I just haven't thought about that much.

Let's say it three times because he'll show up behind you.

Adam, if you're listening, shout out.

Yeah.

I mean, there was for sure.

Junior high was Isaac.

Isaac Hallad.

Big.

But maybe not so big, but we were all smaller.

So maybe he was just a normal height for

our guest last week, Cass, was six feet at age 13.

Yeah.

He could have been a bully diagnosed me as 5'10 once.

Oh, really?

Yeah.

Ouch.

What did you think you were?

I I thought I was six feet.

And she, she like put me back to back and was like, I'm six feet.

You're not sick.

Because I've been operating.

I've never really cared how tall I am.

I've just been going off what other guys say they are.

So I'm like, well, if that guy's 5'10, I'm six feet.

Right.

But everybody's going up an inch.

I used to, my dad used to measure me.

I mean, I would love it.

I'd be like, is there some time to measure me?

Because I would be getting taller than him.

And he was like 5'10, or he is 5'10.

Yeah.

Did you have one of those cute like line charts?

Yeah.

Like the wall.

Yeah.

So cute.

And

then I was like getting close and then I surpassed him and then I was six feet and I never measured myself again.

And then I measured myself a few months ago.

I'm 5'11 and a half.

It'd be so funny to keep doing that line chart as you grow older.

Same line every year and then eventually lower, lower, lower.

Past guest of the podcast, Jessica Delisle, she has a thing.

If anybody comes over to her house, they do a measuring thing on the wall.

So they've got like this crazy range.

And there's a few dogs at the bottom.

That's cute.

And she's short, and her partner is very tall.

So they're that kind of fun, fun, odd couple, you know, when you see them walking down the street.

Like Joe Pesci and Daniel Stern.

Perfect.

Somehow they made it work, those two.

Like Pinky and the Bray.

Exactly.

Yeah, I think I'm maybe I'm 5'8.

I think for a a while I operated on

a height chart here.

Yeah.

Get everybody that comes in.

Yeah,

like the thing where you, I'm talking about the one at 7'11.

Oh, sure.

So when you like.

You should weigh us too.

Yeah.

Check your blood pressure.

Do the whole checkup.

Prostate exams.

On your Instagram,

you go to people's apartments and you see them.

But you also have been touring Vancouver's dirt malls.

Yeah, and I love it i love going and that's how you knew uh about international village i did i also know about international village because uh there's a comedy club right across from it that i've bombed up more than any place in the world uh comedy after dark so i've been to the and i had been there previously a lot of the places i've gone now i've never been to which ones it was okay You've gone to International Village.

You've gone to Kingsgate.

I've gone to Kingsgate.

I went to...

You really missed out on the glory days of Kingsgate as a dirt mall.

Yeah, it used to be a way dirtier dirt mall.

Oh, yeah, I can can see it.

I love that it like boasts, I think it said out front, like we have over 30 stores for some reason

it used to be

now.

It's got like,

you know,

what do you call it?

Well, I know, like cell phone providers.

Oh, yeah.

Like a few of the stores.

And it used to be like just

weird dollar stores.

And like

there was a library.

Like DVDs.

Well, dead malls do a lot of interesting things.

A lot.

It's a lot of cell phone providers.

Because I go to a lot of dead malls, like malls that are still open, but should be closed.

A lot of cell phone providers.

International Village is a lot of cell phone case.

A little kiosk.

A little kiosk.

And then one interesting thing these places do is they often just become like an office building.

Oh, interesting.

I think it's cheap office space.

Like the offices are like, oh, this is way cheaper.

We'll just have a law firm in the internet.

Yeah, I mean, there's a village mall.

For sure.

International Village,

one city center they got a city square they got all sorts of oh city square is is like um

yeah a lot of like professional services yeah wait what's city square should i go there it's not far from here i've been looking for something to do after this there you go they've got a makeup school in there city square okay it's right across from city hall yeah and

it's got and it used to be part of city hall and that they've built a mall around the old yeah there's some of the old stone facade so it's got a decent food court uh yeah good food cart place that i pick up my mail if there's ever a package that can't be delivered i got a bunch of blueberries from the store that turned out to be all moldy wow do you guys have oh there's a daiso now so it's actually good yeah yeah they've got some good stuff in that mall um do you have favorite dead malls in the city i mean

i mean i've always been a fan of kingsgate kingsgate

i like i do like city square international video these are all ones that uh are kind of i'm trying to think of like international village the story with it, because past guest Stacey McLaughlin,

she writes for Vancouver magazine.

She's also editor-in-chief.

And she used to, oh, she still does a column where people write in with their questions about like, hey, what's the deal with those windows above Burrard Bridge?

Or

what happened to the McBarge?

One of the questions was, how does International Village stay open?

How does it?

Yeah.

It's a apartment building.

So like

there's an apartment building like first, you know, whatever, however, however many stories above it.

So, the mall doesn't have to stay in business.

The mall can be precariously occupied.

Yeah.

It's probably like, I mean, what's that's the other question is like, what's your definition of a mall?

Like, can a strip mall be a mall, or is it all have to be like you enter in and it's one unit?

Well, Vancouver's redefining that for me.

Okay.

Like, you guys will call things malls.

I never thought, I don't think Kingsgate is a mall.

Like, that's to me, that's not a mall.

Oh, what is it?

It's a shopping center.

Oh, see, shopping center?

Like, a mall to me is like International Village is a mall.

It's like three floors.

There's a, like an escalator.

There's a food court.

Yeah.

You got to have a food court to be a mall.

There's a mall that's down.

What's the one downtown?

Pacific Center?

Pacific Center, yeah.

It's just a regular mall.

I think I've gone there.

Yeah.

Yeah.

And then there was one that was,

it was like another sort of underground thing.

Oh, yeah, and it closed down.

Did it have a movie theater in it?

Like

decades ago.

And then isn't there one on sorry, out of towners,

in the west end?

Isn't there a little.

Yep, there's a mall in the west end, and it had

near a pool.

I know that.

It's quite near a pool.

So if you look for the pool,

it's a little pool, west end.

Now, I bet you that west end one is weird because I remember it being weird the last time I was there, which was a long time ago.

But I bet you it's still weird.

I've learned this about malls.

They do not get better.

Yeah, that's true.

No no one after the mall opens they go we're done here yeah yeah yeah they leave and i did you know kingsgate is owned by like the teachers you uh uh yeah or not or the school board school board yeah it's crazy yeah it's uh what an awful investment

i mean it's probably worth tens of millions of dollars though now it's the fact that it's still standing and that Yeah, there's a lot of places.

I miss the Bilo in it.

It's now a save-on foods.

Oh, it is?

Yeah.

To go from Bilo to Save-On.

Yeah, what the hell?

Bilo is like premium.

That was getting cheap, cheap stuff.

I mean, I thought, yeah, it was premium, cheap stuff.

Yeah.

But,

yeah, I'm trying to think of, because like in small towns, what they would call a mall, you would call a shopping center, but that would be the mall.

Yes.

They would be framed around a store, either a bay.

And what George Clooney would call it.

A Sears.

Sears.

Sears was a mall haven.

Yeah, Eaton's for a long time.

The anchors are dying.

Yeah.

Our news anchors?

Yeah.

Yeah, there's an assassin.

No one can report on it.

And it's not like, I mean,

he's got like a sniper rifle and stuff, but he also will use stuff like exploding teleprompters.

Yep.

Yeah, garat you when he hands in a just this just in.

Yeah, it is

in ear, whatever.

What are those things called?

IFPs?

Earpiece?

Yeah.

Yeah.

You know, it's poison.

Or it's really loud and explosively broken.

Yeah.

Because in small towns, like, do you ever, do you tour to small towns?

We do so many small towns.

Oh, this is.

I've been to so, I could name, I could go off on Alberta.

Like, I could name like literally 30 cities you've never, you've probably heard of

never heard of that I've spent a night there.

And so, like, you're, you work mostly in the city, I assume, or are you always on the road?

Are you a road dog?

It's it's both.

Me and my friends, uh, their names are Chad Arena and Andrew Packard, both very funny guys.

We uh couldn't really get on stage much in Toronto.

Toronto has like a lot of really amazing older headliner comics, and like it's hard to get stage time when you're starting out because people can't justify putting you on over like an incredibly like

a way better comic.

So, we would just call small towns and like ask them if we could go there and do shows.

Put the mayor on.

Yeah.

We, I remember me and our business bureau.

I lived in a windowless basement below Che, who lived in like a rat-infested apartment.

And he would come downstairs and we would just like Google like Alberta and then we go every town.

We'd write down like every bar we'd Google like, say like Hinton.

We'd Google Hinton bars.

Then we Google Hinton Casino.

then we Google Hinton like Legion, and then we put like we put together like this insane, our own yellow pages of

bars in small towns in Canada that we still have, and then we called all of them.

And you were just like, Will you let us do a comedy night?

Yeah, we let us do a comedy night.

We probably, our first time, probably called like you've been to Hinton?

I have been to Hinton.

I've been to Hinton, Preston.

Been to Creston.

These not professionally, but I've been to Hinton and Creston.

I grew up in Alberta.

Not professionally is such a funny thing to say.

Yeah, I've been to Hinton, but not professionally.

I'm not a pro at the end.

I've spent my 10,000 hours in Hinton.

So then what would the bars just say, yeah, come and would they have to have an AV series?

It was not easy.

It was like the hit rate on our calling was like probably like 0.05% of places

I would have given up so fast.

No, it was crazy.

And And then, but like by the end, we had like 15, 20 dates, but we'd also never gone on tour.

So we didn't think like, oh, this date is seven hours away from this date.

Yeah.

And that's the next day.

And that, and such as any comedy tour I've ever been a part of.

Yeah.

Nobody has figured out the path that makes the most sense.

No, we figured that out over time because Andrew's very smart and me and Cher are very bad at that stuff.

But Andrew was really on top of it.

And we also don't drive, so Andrew had more reason to care.

Oh, yeah, sitting in a car for seven hours is very different than driving.

And you, you've never driven, you don't have a license.

So you're lucky you had a pal that

would you ever get your license?

No, I'm very scared of driving.

It's very scared.

He doesn't want to hurt himself.

Yeah.

Yeah.

I have fears of hurting.

I don't know why I smoke cigarettes.

Literally,

I'm garbage.

But I'm scared of like, I'm scared of someone else killing me.

I'm very comfortable with myself.

Well, don't become a news anchor.

Yeah.

I'm not.

And then, like, you do these tours.

Would your, would your guys' acts go over well in these small towns?

I would.

Okay, so our first tour, do you, have you ever been to the Broadway Theater in Saskatoon?

Yes.

Okay, perfect.

We've been to

live.

Oh, I love that.

We called up this guy who worked there.

His name was Matthew.

I don't know if he still works there.

And I mean, we shout out to to Matthew.

Shout out to Matthew.

This guy led us, gave us the theater, booked us.

Maybe the break the theater.

Yeah.

Because we, the first time we did it, they had like an annex theater that was like a church basement.

That's right.

Yeah, they might have done that because they gave us the big theater.

We got to get an annex.

Well, no, the next time we did Saskatoon, we got the big theater and we did not fill it.

No, we did not fill it.

You no way you did as bad as us.

We had never gone on tour.

It's my first time going on tour.

In my head, I've been preparing for this show for like months, being like, because I'm three years or four years into comedy going on tour.

Like, I'm doing 20 minutes, haven't really done that much, if ever.

Yeah.

Also, I haven't done a 300-seat theater.

So, I'm going, it's going to be sold out.

Like, they wouldn't.

That's how it works.

It's sold out.

I never sold shows.

Like, there's never been a thought in my head of getting people out to shows.

Right.

So, just in case you forget to mention it, Vancouver, go see Jacob at the Rio

July 30th.

yeah we'd love to i'd love to do a repeat of

we show up there's 30 people and a three-on-one

chief theater i mean it could have been zero yeah it could have been zero yeah i mean 30 it's workable i assume you did the show and it was probably okay or we did the show it was fine yeah yeah it was fine we did like honestly we've

Yeah, we've done some bad shows.

There's no doubt.

Like we've done some shows.

I've bombed in a lot of places in this country.

Sure, yeah, yeah, me too.

But it really, like, our first tour, like, I feel very good about comedy because of all the touring I did.

Good.

Yeah.

Like, yeah.

I feel like it really,

I'm not someone who appeals to someone in small town.

I'll be a little bit more.

Well, that's what I was wondering because you're from the city.

Yeah.

And, like, I, when I was first, like, going out on the road, I was like, oh, yeah, they don't care about talking about going on the bus.

Yeah.

Dogs.

They don't.

You know, they don't give a shit about that stuff.

It's very interesting to learn as you're like going.

Yeah.

And there's people now, me included, where I'm talking about fucking they love

fucking, sucking, drinking, trucking, but sometimes, because sometimes you show up to a city and everyone's like 80.

We've actually never fucked.

We did an old age home at 3 p.m.

once.

Oh, yeah.

Yeah, in Grand Cache.

And we bombed so, I bombed so hard.

That'd be fun and kind of a fun thing being in a hospital and seeing somebody bomb.

Yeah.

But that guy sure sucked.

Anyway, see you in dinner.

You're going to check out the 2 p.m.

show absolutely i'll be there

i'm like oh man an old folks home what are you getting you're getting like a school choir coming through yeah yeah maybe a tap dancer or something like that yeah it was uh it was an interesting experience me and che are very dirty so it was very funny to watch us both like flounder but that probably did really well in a small in the smaller towns like what i guess some of the small towns don't like dirty stuff.

So we had a system.

We would get to a city and then we would look at the people who are at the show.

Yeah.

And then we would decide if Andrew was headlining or if Che was headlining.

Okay.

Andrew's a married man who's married to the first woman he ever met.

Oh, okay.

And Che's had chlamydia six times.

So it's like.

So what are you guys more in the mood for?

Yeah, we really like suss it out.

And then I'm middle.

No matter what, I'm in the middle.

I'm divorced and I've had chlamydia twice.

Yeah, I once did a show, not at a senior's home, but at a recovery facility, a recovery of like from accidents and stuff like that.

Okay.

And it was, the show was good, but after like you did your show and like nobody was laughing.

And there was a translator as well.

And it's just like bomb city.

And after the show, they were like, oh, just so you know, a lot of them can't laugh.

Oh, yeah.

You know,

oxygens and, you know, they got tubes in.

They can't, they can't laugh.

And And I was like, ah, so the whole time they was like, come on, try to reach out.

Yeah, laughing would kill these people.

Wow, if the fuck you got up your ass?

Like, literally, a tube.

A breathing tube.

Yeah, I'm breathing out of my ass.

It was quite an accident.

I think Dr.

Adam might

want to enlighten you on how the ass works.

Yeah, well, that's so cool that you booked your own tour because

whenever I would do that, I'd just go through a booker who was like, I got three nights and wherever, you know, string together some sort of.

I never had the option.

You know what?

If you start out here, probably would.

You probably would have gone and done the tally-ho.

We have yucks.

Like, you could become a yucks guy in Toronto, but like I said, like, there's so many older guys who are so far ahead that like I couldn't even get on at yuck yucks.

You couldn't get on at yuck yucks.

I still can't get on at yuck yucks.

They're lost.

Please book me.

We don't have them here anymore.

They were here for a stretch.

Is there one in Surrey?

There's one in Hampshire?

Yeah, in Surrey.

Yeah, they move around.

They come and go.

They do, because Yuck Yucks kind of will be in a ballroom for

some amount of years or whatever.

That's always on the road gigs.

It's just being the empty room they had.

It's a wild business model.

It's to franchise out a comedy club, an already failing business you're going to start in the red on.

Like, that's crazy.

Just open your own thing.

Yeah.

Yeah, that's true.

Like, it's not like Subway.

Like, it's not.

Yeah.

Yeah.

It's not like the brand is that.

Like, I don't know.

We've, I don't want to shit talk it too much.

No, but you know what?

You can dart me with a laser gun or some shit.

But it is weird because it's like, yeah, we're, we're a bar, but we're only open these nights.

Yeah.

And we,

you know, you come in and then you leave.

You can't stay and keep drinking.

Yeah.

You're forced out.

It's a terrible business model.

The more you do comedy, like you see so many rooms come and go.

You barely see them stick around.

It's not like the only way it works is basically if you have the same model as a strip club where it's like pump them full of drinks,

have a minimum amount of drinks, get some shitty appetizers out or whatever, and just like really in a way.

Jeremy Pivot can come in and tell some stories

or mankind.

Yeah,

but that's what comedy now is.

Like they need people in so they don't care if you're funny anymore.

Oh, yeah.

I mean, that's always been on the back burner of Canadian comedy.

I guess comedy in general.

I mean, any given night, you could walk into a comedy club and see the best show you've ever seen or see just the absolute dog shit headliner.

Yeah.

Um, but yeah, when I was uh, when I first moved here, Yuck Yuck's was in a different location, and it closed almost immediately.

Like, I

got, I was doing the amateur night, and they were like, you can come down and do a weekend spot, closed that weekend, never got that weekend spot.

That's how it goes, yeah, you know, and then there wasn't one here forever, and then they opened it up, it turned into an independent club, then it was, yeah, can be street for a while.

Now, nothing.

Yeah, it was right across from a city center mall.

Yeah,

which you'll be hitting up after this, no doubt.

The malls have a similar vibe to the comedy club, where it's like anyone will claim they're a comedy club.

Yeah, like someone will put 10 rupees, 10 chairs in a room, and be like, comedy club.

We're a mall.

Yeah, like it's got this.

We're a mall now.

I put a roof between two stores.

Welcome to the Kingsgate Comedy Club.

Honestly, not a bad idea.

That place, that like virtual reality store could be a comedy club.

Yeah, and it's going to go out of business any day now.

Sure.

It used to be a payless shoe source.

Honestly, if you did a comedy club in the mall that did like 3 p.m.

and 5 p.m.

shows.

When we started this podcast in 2008,

I was like, oh, could we rent a kiosk at Kingsgate Mall and just like do have a studio there?

No, just have like people coming through to be on this podcast.

You guys should do an episode live from the Kingsgate Mall.

We should.

Yeah.

I mean, certainly as time goes on, we want to devote more effort to the show.

But

if people out there haven't seen any of Jacob's videos, your videos are great.

Anything

about it, receiving compliments, but thank you.

When I first saw the videos, when Graham told me you were coming on the show, I was like, oh, does he do the voice?

Does he do the voice?

I mean, I speak like I speak.

Well, and the videos, they're very monotone.

Yeah.

There's a few reasons.

I record them in bed.

Okay.

Like, I really am lying in bed.

And then also, like, I have to match my speaking up to how long the thing happening is.

Right.

So I'm like, uh duh duh.

I really have to slow down.

So I sound dumb.

So like a lot of people hate my voice.

Do you write the thing and then find video to fit it?

Or do you find the video and stitch it together as a monologue?

I just film and then it all comes together later.

Cool.

Yeah, yeah.

I just go, if I have footage, I'll figure it out.

But it, like, it's, um,

uh, was the show, How To with

Yeah, John Wilson.

John Wilson has that kind of flavor of like, you're finding things that people wouldn't necessarily see in the city.

Like, you're.

Yeah,

I don't, I get that comment a lot, and I like John Wilson, so it's cool.

Yeah, I think it's just because I can't, I never really, like, stand-ups all alone.

Like, I can't get a guy to come film me.

Yeah.

Like, so it's like, well, now I have to film it.

I don't want to be in it.

So, what's the like

thing I can do?

Is like, I could film life.

Yeah.

And it's good.

It's like, it's very engaging.

Yeah.

My entire Instagram is just funny things I saw.

Yeah.

Mine is my dogs.

Yeah.

I didn't want to enter.

I was in it for a while, but I don't, I did not like doing stand-up clips.

It really hurt my heart.

Yeah.

And it's like you put something out and and 50 people like it.

You're like, oh, nuts.

No, that's what I don't agree with.

That I think that's a bad mentality when it comes to social media.

Like, I had to get over that.

Oh, I mean, stand-up clips.

Yeah, like, but truly, like, a lot of the times when you think a video bombed, it didn't bomb.

It just didn't get seen.

Yeah.

Like, it's not a bomb because, like, a bomb is when you have like a million views on a video and that video has like 400 likes.

Right.

That to me is a video that no one saw.

You just posted it at the wrong time.

The lighting's bad.

The the sound's off, like these, like it's truly an algorithm that is so set on like these weird things you don't think about, and it's all watch time.

Have you noticed that it's like, does it change,

does social media change how comedians do stand-up?

And they're now crowdworks.

I changed me for a minute where I needed clips.

So it's like, well, I haven't written today.

So let's kind of just go stand on stage and hope someone says something interesting.

I was on a show just a few nights ago where everybody on the show did crowd work and it was the same crap.

So it's just like, okay, we've established that guy does that and this person's birthday.

And it was like, everybody did it.

And then, because I assume everybody was filming clips.

And I was like, well, so now I'm closing the show.

Do I also have to do crowd work?

I did.

Because I don't think the crowd was ready for material at that point.

They were like, more, more crowd work, more buttons.

I don't see anything wrong with crowd work.

I like crowd work.

I do it like I used to do it very unnaturally, I think, and now it's more natural to my act where like if something happens, I'll deal with it and talk to them.

But I appreciate crowd work.

I do think, like,

I don't know.

I think there is like the older comics definitely got mad by the crowd work crazy.

And I was like, guys, these are just comics desperate to figure out how to get a career in Canada.

Like, it's not, it's a really hard place to make this work.

Very.

And so everyone's trying whatever they can.

And if someone's trying, trying, I'm more pumped than if someone's not even doing it and then is like mad.

People are trying.

Oh, sure.

Yeah.

Yeah.

Yeah.

You just got to, I don't know.

With online stuff, you truly just got to put stuff out.

Yeah.

That's the other thing I'm very bad at is regularly putting anything out.

So

I just have friends who I open for my friend Che at the Vogue, who literally I just told you we did a 30-person theater show for

like three years later, four or five years, selling out the Vogue.

Yeah.

And I'm opening for them and I'm like, well, I should probably do something.

Like, dude, I'm not, I'm fucked.

I was with them the whole time, and I could get seven people here.

But

you're going all in.

You're going to have a theater crowd all together.

You're going to realize theater, July 30th.

July 30th.

Yeah.

I think hopefully there'll be people at that thing.

And

that's a Wednesday.

So you're going to be up against home improvement.

Yeah, that's right.

I want to be very clear.

If you're listening, I did rent it on my own credit cards.

Yeah, this is not some slick production company.

This isn't Live Nation presents.

People keep going, how much time are you going to do?

And I go, oh, I don't know.

I have no idea.

I'm going to get off after 20 minutes if it's going bad.

Yeah, yeah.

Look, tickets are like $17.

You can't miss with $17.

You're not going to be disappointed.

I have $17 worth of jokes.

I don't have $80 worth of jokes.

Me neither.

I've been around longer than you.

I'll turn 17 to see me, 25, whatever it is on this thing.

Sure.

And the Rio's a really fun place to go see comedy.

I heard it's like an old sex theater.

Used to be a sex theater.

No, that's no, that's

Fox.

Oh, damn.

Rio used to be wrong.

Rio used to just be a movie theater and still is.

Yeah.

And it was for a while.

Before it closed down, it was like a Bollywood.

Well, I'm going to turn it back into a sex theater.

Yeah.

On May

July 30th.

As far as I'm concerned, sex is all theater.

Yeah.

Like you're just, you know, going through the modes.

You know, the bad guy enters with the left side.

Yeah.

When the

Fox was still a

sex theater,

the last week that it was open, somebody hosted like a screening of Deep Throat, which was like the original Triple X theater thing.

And I went and watched it.

And then as soon as I got home, I threw out all my clothes and I was wearing.

Just took out my wallet, my phone, everything went in the trash.

A mouse front runs by.

You're getting undressed in the lobby of your building.

Yeah, you guys could keep these.

Dave, what's going on with you, my friend?

Oh, not much, but I did go see.

Do you like film?

I actually never see movies.

I'm sorry.

It's okay.

I watch TikToks only.

Well, what if Wes Anderson did a TikTok?

I'd watch it.

Well, what I went to go see was

a movie that's been out for about a month, and it is a movie that is called

Mission Impossible.

Oh, yeah.

Mission Impossible, The Last Mission Impossible.

So he says, Do you think if people were like, bring it back one more, he would do it?

Of course, he would do it.

Yeah, he'll do an encore.

And I went to the movie theater at,

oh boy, this isn't a mall, but but I wonder if it's practically a mall.

A river or Marine Gateway.

Marine Gateway.

That would be a very loose definition of a mall.

I'm still writing it down.

Yeah.

Marine Gateway.

It's a place.

The buildings.

It was nothing, and then it was built all of the time.

Because there was a Skytrain station there.

Yeah.

So they built all.

It's not a mall at all.

And it's too new to be like.

Okay.

Yeah, there's nothing.

I like the nostalgia vibe of the places, though.

Yeah.

Well, how was Mission Impossible?

It was, it's been out a few weeks.

So it was in the smallest theater there, which was disappointing.

Yeah.

No rumble for you.

32-inch TV.

It was still pretty big, but it was like

it wasn't very full, but

the screen was big enough considering that I'd never been to this side of the movie theater.

I'm always seeing whatever's in theater one or two, and they're like, go to theater eight.

Oh, which is like, oh, there's all cobwebs on the door.

I had to get a torch in black and white.

I thought this was a talkie.

What the hell?

And it was,

it's annoying going to movie theaters because people talk the whole time.

Yeah.

And like two hours into this movie, a guy just started like crumpling up his

water bottle.

And someone was like, shh.

And I guess the guy was like, well, that can't be about me.

I know, like, when there's a million thing pieces about, like, why is the movie theater dying?

And that factors into it pretty heavily.

There's a guy behind me.

So, yeah, it's Mission Impossible.

Yeah.

Tom Cruise comes out of the front and says, hey, thanks for seeing this movie in the theater

at the start of the movie.

Does he really?

Yeah.

Well, every movie should do that.

Well, he did it for.

I'm Slender Man, and thank you for coming.

I imagine him actually showing up in person like it was like cans or something.

Well, he's apparently in the first theater eight.

First theater eight, thanks for coming to see Mission in the middle.

The first week the movie was out, he was showing up in person at theaters and screenings.

Yeah, that's awesome.

And then at the

for like uh the for Top Gun a couple years ago, there was like a minute of him at the front being like

theaters are back.

Thanks for coming post-COVID to see this movie.

Yeah, it was one of the like bring them back out kind of movies after COVID, I feel like everybody went and saw, I went and saw it, and I have no interest in Top Gun, but it was really good.

Turns out it was really good.

But I've only seen, I think I've only seen two of the Mission Impossible movies in theater, and the rest I've just seen on home video.

I think I've seen them all, just not.

I don't think I've seen any of them.

I find them very confusing, but it occurred to me, oh, maybe in the theater they make, they're like easier to follow.

And?

Yeah.

Oh, okay.

Because after, I was like, oh, at home, I would be like getting a little lost looking at my phone.

It is the push and pull of the phone.

You know?

Especially you're watching a movie.

Oh, what do I know him from?

Oh, yeah.

My phone has all the answers.

I like going to a movie because I know I won't use my phone.

And then I'm always like in the theater being like, I'm going to get out of here.

And so many people are going to have messaged.

And then no one's ever messaged.

I'm like, oh, I just shouldn't use this thing.

I do look at my phone an awful lot for someone no one is trying to contact.

I do like a situation where you can't look at your phone, be it a dentist trip or sitting on an airplane.

I love it.

I'm really, but I'm addicted.

I am so addicted to my phone, it's scary.

What do you, you said you're on TikTok.

Is that the main

talk, Instagram?

I like Reddit a lot.

I love Reddit.

I love Reddit.

I hate that Reddit has this like,

has a very bad

reputation.

And I've noticed, particularly amongst women, think that it's not a good place to go.

And I'm like, but there's whole threads that are just like a panda.

Yeah,

that stuff doesn't come up for me.

I feel like you have to find those subreddits.

Yeah.

Yeah.

Are you on the dirtbag part?

Women hate?

I am literally just like, what's popular?

And then like NBA, hockey.

Sure.

Yeah, like basketball, hockey, football.

I just go on those subreddits.

Yeah.

I don't know how I ended up on the Reddits that I, the threads that I get, because I get a lot of who's my doppelganger.

Yes, I get that too.

And so have you ever seen those?

I get

my we are my bad, like, am I a bad person?

What's that one?

Am I the asshole?

I get am I the asshole?

I get a lot of like the confessional ones.

Oh, yeah, I really am into people and bad marriages.

I really read a lot of it.

It's like, oh, I had like a similar thing because

where it's, I call it like divorce porn.

Yeah,

that was the one with Adam Driver and Scarlett.

Oh, marriage.

I think you're on a different subreddit than me.

Divorce porn.

I'm starting my own subreddit.

It's called Divorce Porn.

But I felt like that a marriage was real.

Like, ooh, this is juicy divorce stuff.

I hate that stuff.

I know.

I assume Reddit will connect me with somebody that likes it.

I mean, the real thing that got me on Reddit was when that guy had two penises.

Yeah.

That was fake.

Was it?

Oh, dude, I'm so sorry.

Is it really?

Double dick dude's a hoax.

Diphalia?

Yeah.

Really?

He was a hoax.

Well, I'm not going to look look it up right now.

I wonder who

Stan Winston put together that.

I mean, I believe everything I hear, so

now I believe it was a hoax.

I believed it was real for five years.

I kept texting it to Graham.

Yeah, we would text it back and forth pretty often.

Sorry, boys.

Because it looked like a peace sign, and that was also a big fun part of it.

You could sub item.

There's no peace in the world.

Write peace and then show the picture.

It was great.

it was a ringo star oh that's too bad but see that's the that's the internet that's why women don't like reddit it's because you know they get their hopes up about two penises you truly can't believe everything you read on the internet

anyway so this movie yes it's all about um

uh

there's like uh it's the last movie was a prequel to this.

This is the sequel to the seventh movie.

Usually the movies aren't related, but these two are sort of related.

And there's this thing called the entity, and it's this AI that is taking over everything electronic.

Like regular AI.

Yeah.

And they need to destroy it, but like the president is like, yes, but if we destroy it, it'll destroy cyberspace.

There's all this like, they mentioned cyberspace many times.

It's like, we got to save cyberspace.

Was this like a guy that owned like a firewall protection company, like a McAfee or something like that

it was

well no the president was Angela Bass at all heavy oh okay okay and the um

yeah they're like oh but if this if cyberspace goes then the the implications are in the like they're weighing cyberspace or

every nuclear missile in the world going on at the same time I like knowing what I know about cyberspace now I think I could have done without it I know I could have stayed in the 90s I I was like, either way, like either the internet goes away or everyone dies, I'm happy because it's fair.

Yeah, it's fair.

I would love to not have the, I would just love to not be on the grid.

Yeah.

I mean, it's my career and I get paid good like money online.

I've learned money is way better than comedy money.

Anything is true.

Being in a fruit stand is better than comedy.

But honestly, like the, I hate how much I'm on the phone.

I would love to never.

I don't like the, I'm trying to, I'm a date, I'm dating, I'm a single man.

Okay.

Anyone out here doing this?

Anyone here doing the ad?

Anyone single?

I took an Uber in and boy, are my arms tired.

I don't like how I'm like obligated to text people back.

Like, I hate my phone.

I don't like...

Like, I wish it was like a mail system.

Would you, if you dropped out of all the technology, what would you go do?

If you weren't, if you weren't career connected to the technology, where would you, what would you do?

I would do literally exactly what I'm doing, but feel more present.

Like, I don't like the, like, and I'm with friends who are like, why did you just film that?

And I'm like, I have to.

Yeah.

Like, I don't want to do this.

I genuinely, I, and I appreciate everyone watching these things.

I don't want to go to someone's apartment every day.

I don't know these people.

They're strangers.

Sometimes they're fans.

They want me to stay after.

i'm i'm alone i'm 140 pounds of no muscle like i have no chance if they want to kill me yeah it is uh i would rather not think about that stuff and focus on stand-up yeah or you know what's really sad about like current content is it's very short form and i i think i would like to do like things I put a year into and you could be I think like a very successful documentary filmmaker oh bless I don't know I don't know but how would you know you haven't shot anything like what's the longest thing you've put out like three seconds

but you could you could be like a person who like over a year just films vignettes and then somehow ties them all together I would love to find a project I'm more committed to than what I currently do you will I will I know that I know I will oh yeah this is gonna burn out fast this I truly think it will

like I know you're saying, I think that all the time.

I'm like, well, this will get tiring.

Like, it's a truly formulaic thing.

So, if I'm putting it out every day, like the first time I put it out, that's the most exciting time.

Yeah.

And then, like, each and every time, you get a little less endorphins in your brain when you see my video you expect.

Yeah.

Right.

So, you got to like switch it up.

And how do you switch it up?

Is that your dog?

Yeah, I think the dog's made it its way downstairs.

Oh, hell yeah.

Oh, hell yeah.

Well, we'll

take care of the dog.

Do you guys want to take a break?

Sure.

Or should we want to keep talking?

Yeah, keep talking.

Yeah, keep talking.

I'll be 30 seconds.

Long break.

Do you watch documentaries?

I watched, yeah.

Some people don't.

No, I do watch documentaries.

I don't watch a lot of movies.

So it is a fair question to ask.

I don't watch a lot of anything.

Really?

Yeah, I don't have any streaming services.

Well, you can get something free like Canopy.

I have, like, I have access to them.

I just don't even.

You should do it, though, where you put your phone down and you just watch an hour and a half or two hours of a movie.

It feels really good.

I do every once in a while.

What was the last movie you saw?

God, what was the movie that just came out that's about like black vampires and everyone was talking about it?

Sinners?

Sinners.

I went to see that alone.

Yeah.

Yeah.

But you didn't look at your phone the whole time?

No, I didn't.

I was like, guys, I'm sinners.

We're talking about going to see the movie Sinner.

I saw it alone.

Yeah, I saw that alone, too.

Hey, we saw that.

We saw Mission Impossible alone, too.

Damn.

Here's what's going on with Mission impossible

i'm interested i'm yeah the entity he does all these stunts tom cruise yes and there is what i love about him is he doesn't care that he like looks weird when he's doing the stunt like i feel like normally they would do a stunt man

and then they'd replace like they'd have close-ups on like a uh action star like looking really good which is what you want yeah tom cruise is like his hair is getting all fucked up by the wind he's screaming his his mouth is blown open by the wind.

And, like, I never thought about how gross he looks.

And now he's, yeah, and his like hair is totally matted to his skull.

And then it's kind of like he, in this most recent movie, he does like, he doesn't fix his hair between scenes.

It's like, well, he just took off this mask.

So my hair would still be fucked up.

So I'm just going to keep my hair fucked up.

Yeah, he.

He also, like he looks fantastic, but he also looks like an old guy.

Yeah, he scares me.

Yeah.

What has he done to you?

The Scientology thing.

Oh,

he's like the leader of a religion.

Sure.

What has he done?

Oh, he's just a god in religion.

Yeah.

After being in Jerry McCuire.

See, that's what I am against.

Yeah.

I kind of endorse that, though.

That's the only movie I've seen he's in.

Really?

I've never, I don't watch action at all.

For the longest time, I could not watch him.

I still kind of have this problem where I was like, well, that's Tom Cruise.

I'm watching Tom Cruise.

Oh, yeah, I could get that.

But I feel like Mission Impossible is that.

Where it's like, I'm Tom Cruise.

I'm jumping out of a plane.

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

It's like, I want that.

I'm coming at the start of the movie to say, hey, thanks for coming to the movie.

I'm Tom Cruise.

I couldn't have done it without you.

And like, one of the movies, what's the one where he's like free soloing a mountain?

Mission Impossible 2.

And it's like, that's not even

important to the plot.

Wasn't in the script.

It's just like the first thing that happens, but it easily could have been like sitting in a room drinking coffee.

Yeah, but it's so iconic.

Anyway, so my favorite part of the movie was there's all these like, you know, they're trying to save the world.

Sure.

So they record a charity single.

Aren't they trying to save the internet?

No, they're trying to save everyone in the world.

They're debating whether to save the internet.

Right.

And it's going like Tom Cruise is out doing a stunt, and then it goes back to his team who's like defusing a bomb.

And then you're in like

war room where the president is deciding things, and then it gets more and more tense.

And this happens like throughout the movie.

Yeah.

It gets more and more tense.

And then they've like they solve this crisis.

And then the guy behind me goes, ooh, that was close.

Really thought we were all going to die.

Really got it another one.

Yeah.

Like, we were at one second on the bomb.

And so at the end of the movie, has he retired?

Is that how it?

No, there's no like closure

except that the movie's called The Final Reckoning.

Right.

But there isn't like...

There's no, like, the team, you know, they, they don't disband.

They give each other.

Well, they always disband.

Oh, okay.

See, I only know the, like, I've watched them, but I've never watched them like in a theater with any kind of focus.

So I don't know.

It was really like worth it.

So movies are worth it, even with the muttering and the people like crunching their water bottles.

I do like going to the theater, but I always see a movie that is like very obscure.

Like, once a year, I go on a date that is a movie date.

The lady picks the movie.

It's always a movie no one else ever saw that year.

Oh, like, which one

you like can remember?

I saw that

Chia LaBeouf one where he's like a child actor's dad, or something like that.

Honeybee, or something.

I saw this one.

Honeyland?

honeyland's the one where he like sells magazine subscriptions I don't know what this one was called someone will know

I saw this one where it was two lesbians going to a gym and they fell in love and then one of them like kills a guy don't remember what that was honeyboy boy honey boy honey boy

one time i went and saw all the doc all the animated uh was it love lies bleeding was that the lesbian uh

no no i don't think so well i just go with lesbian gym love movie?

Oh, maybe it is.

What is the lesbian movie about weightlifting?

Wait, when did this one come?

Oh, is this Kristen Stewart?

It was about weightlifting.

Yeah, yeah, I did see that.

And then I also went to a date where we saw all of the films nominated that year for Best International Animated Shorts.

That's fun.

That's fun.

I was watching the Oscars, and the only category I knew I was going to win in was that.

I'm going to put some money down on this.

Yeah.

On this Serbian,

sad

cartoon.

Yeah, I like movies.

I used to go when I was younger.

There'd be like a found footage night or there'd be like the animation festival.

Spike and Mike.

Yeah.

And there was all these like, like that, like event movies where you went out.

It was only happening for a night.

And

maybe bring a date.

Maybe you do it.

Also, my tummy hurts so much in the first hour of the movie because I ate so much popcorn.

Yeah.

I feel like we all also grew up, though, in a time where there was so much less available, where you had to see the movie, everyone was seeing the movie, and everyone was going to talk about the movie.

You didn't see that movie, you're like, I don't get any references.

Yeah.

Yeah, it was the same with TV.

Like, you had to watch whatever was that night's go-to TV show.

Now it's so sparkling.

We're older than you, but did you ever have to look in the newspaper for movie show times?

I looked in the newspaper for movie showtimes.

Not me personally, probably my mom, but yeah, we were on the newspaper.

You know what we did?

Like, I grew up with a cottage.

My grandparents had a cottage.

We would all stay in the cottage, like all the family.

And there was this movie theater on the way that had like a board of what was playing, like their marquee.

Like, we'd drive through and we'd be like, what the hell's playing?

Like, and that, that was the best.

That rules.

Yeah.

Going to a movie on vacation.

Ooh.

I'm probably going going to go to one.

I'm visiting my in-laws place on Salt Spring Island.

They have one little place that shows movies.

They only show one at a time.

Yeah.

And it was the one that I saw last time.

It was something

I'll remember about it.

I remember we went to Cape Cod in 2004, and the weather was so bad.

So we stayed in and watched the Olympics.

It was the year of Michael Phelps.

And at night, we went to go see Napoleon Dynamite, Collateral, and

the Manchurian Candidate.

Nice.

Wow.

You did three movies.

Three movies in a week.

The weather was so bad.

And

I was like, I guess we had TV.

We were watching the Olympics.

I lived for a very short time in a small town because I was working on a pipeline.

Which town?

It was called.

What the hell is it called?

Not Fort McMurray?

No, it's.

What the hell is it called?

It's

quite close to the.

Was it close?

Yeah, it was in here.

Quite close to the American border in Alberta.

Like, it's quite peace, not Peace River.

Was it Hinton?

Wasn't Hinton.

I'll remember it.

But they only had one movie theater in town.

And like

that town and surrounding areas, that was the one movie.

Like you couldn't drive to another town and see a movie.

And it was The Mask of Zorro.

And it played for a whole month.

I went and saw it so many times.

Did that have Catherine Zeta Jones?

Did it have Catherine Zeta Jones?

Yeah, yeah.

Does he get her like he does?

He gets her distress off.

And it was.

when you left, you took your clothes off.

Yeah, you threw all your clothes away.

And then my brothers came to town.

I was like, you want to go see a movie?

And it was the most uncomfortable seats I've ever sat in in my life.

Like, they were really old-timey,

like when the place used to be like a Nickelodeon or something like that.

But I can't recommend enough Mask of Zorro.

What's going on with you?

Well, here's the thing.

This is a very modern problem that I've encountered in the last couple of days.

We all have Uber accounts, right?

We all have an Uber account.

Yeah, I don't we, folks?

Don't we?

I was shocked when I found out you had a higher Uber rating than I do.

I got Uber Eats at 4.30 a.m.

last night.

Wendy's.

Wendy's is open 24 hours?

I was really worried how I'd feel this morning.

How do you feel?

Phil on the fire.

I feel fine.

Good, good.

I got a salad.

Oh, nice.

Okay, so you did something nice for yourself.

I tried.

But

I have an Uber.

And what happened was about a month ago, my account got hacked.

And the people who hacked it got my credit card and started spending it at a crazy fast rate.

And it was being spent in like, first it was in Toronto, then it was in London, England, then it was in Cairo.

Like, it was just like

whatever way that they was it.

Do you think it was that dastardly carb in San Diego?

I think it might have been, or it might have been the entity.

It could have been the entity that was fucking me over.

So, this is the thing.

I cancel the credit card because they're just running up totals.

And so the credit card's like, okay, we know that's not you.

Cancel your credit card.

Get a new credit card.

Uber still has the charges.

They say you still owe 250 bucks from this

cab you took in Camden, UK, or whatever.

And you're like, oh, all right.

What was this about Camden, UK?

What was this in?

Bloody height.

Bloody hell.

So if I don't pay it, I can't use the app because every time I go to click on it, it just brings me back to this page saying, you owe this amount.

That's crazy, man.

So, what the hell do I do?

Because Uber.

Uber has no customer service, and that's what I learned.

Uber has no chill.

It has no chill.

It has no anybody that you could.

The only number you can call is a driver's support line and if you're not a driver They don't want to hear from you.

How's that legal?

What if you're Adam driver?

Yeah, they like you if you're Adam driver.

He's got a great uber rating.

He was a marriage story.

He punched that wall.

What's your

what's your rating 4.96.

What's yours?

Oh damn you fucking destroyed me.

Let me look.

I know it's not that high.

Well, because Graham's was higher than mine.

Also, I I used to date an ex who was a problem in Ubers.

I was like,

you you know, I would like retroactively be like, so are you having a good night?

After she's like, where's the ox chord?

I want to put on my favorite song.

I have a score of 4.85.

I'm 4.99.

Yeah, that's what I'm saying.

But I do not want to start a new account, but that's what I'm going to have to do, right?

I'm going to have to kiss this

driver's writing goodbye because there's no way to remove it, this amount off my account.

I'm not paying 200.

Will they let you

start a new account or like will they?

I got a new credit card?

Yeah.

Got a different email?

All right.

Could go

to name?

Yeah, like, but.

I don't know.

What's a because there's no way to connect.

There's Lyft.

There's Lyft.

I could do Lyft, but is Lyft is everywhere that Uber is?

I feel like Uber is everywhere.

It's everywhere you want to be.

Yeah, maybe I'll sign up with Lyft.

I think, I don't know.

I've

like Lyft is the Burger King to Uber's.

I know, but when they start, like, it's like, I've heard it's less evil.

Oh, Lyft is less evil?

For now.

Everything, everyone that's like, oh, you can't use that app, they're evil.

Yeah, that's just because they're very few apps you can use.

But if you use the other app, they'll get more successful and they'll use that success to be evil.

Oh, my God.

The giant corporation is evil.

What the hell?

No way.

Well, Lyft has a mustache.

When Lyft started out, they had mustaches

on the front.

And they wanted you to sit in the front seat.

Yeah, that's a no-go.

But yeah, so like my Uber account is now useless.

I can't use it for anything.

Not Not even for eats?

Not nothing.

It won't.

Lyft don't do eats.

Fuck.

Are you literally scared to lose your rating?

Well, yeah, I only realized it today when I was like I was out and it started raining.

I was like, Uber to the rescue.

And I was like, nope, you owe $250.

I'm not paying them $250.

Are you going to Uber here?

No, I was going to Uber home.

It just got caught.

caught in the rain and I was like, I'm not walking.

Where were you?

I was at the physiotherapist.

Oh, right.

Nice.

My muscles are too strong, so they were kind of demuscling me a little bit.

Yeah.

They want me to atrophy somewhat.

Best physical shape they've ever seen, they said.

What are you even doing here?

I was just showing off.

Check out this ACL.

We need you to go to the physiotherapy school and teach them.

We need you to be a dummy for them to work on.

Yeah, they have me come around, show the other people there what they could be like.

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Aspirational.

Yeah.

They need to exercise their hands on your muscle.

All right, guys, everybody on.

So, yeah, I got caught in the little tiny bit of rain.

And then, yeah, Uber, Uber let me down.

And then I tried to, I called a cab, and it was going to be like 15 minutes.

I was like, damn it, Uber would never take 15 minutes in this.

They're right around the corner.

And it'd be only $7 in an Uber.

It'd be like $20 in a cab.

No, it'll be $7 in a cab, too.

No.

I haven't done a cab in years.

It gives me anxiety.

Like, the idea that I've already paid, I know how much I'm paying.

There's something that lets me just sit there and not feel.

Well, so you know the route that they're taking.

Like with taxis, you have no idea.

They know some route that you don't know.

I can see that.

I don't trust people in Ubers either.

I don't trust anybody.

I don't trust anyone.

You know what's weird about Vancouver is all your Uber drivers drive Teslas.

Yeah, that is weird.

It's like,

what is this pyramid scheme you ran into?

The Tesla Uber pyramid scheme is a rampant here.

Like, did you go into Uber and they were like, yeah, we could lease this to you for like three years, but you will have to drive Uber the whole time.

When I first heard of Uber, it was like, oh, it's a thing you can do if you're like, hey, you drive to work.

Why don't you pick someone else up on the way to work and then make a little money?

And then so it was just like something to do with your car that you could like get a little extra money from.

And that, that.

That idea went right out the window.

And it was like, no, we're in a new taxi service.

Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.

And they weren't in Vancouver for a long time because the taxi union here was very strong.

And so the city just didn't let Uber be here.

And then when they like started in like February of 2020 and then the pandemic hit and no one needed to go anywhere.

Yeah.

Yeah.

It was such it was like such a fight because

you guys get it.

Like it was February 2020.

Oh my God.

Yeah, we didn't have it for a long time.

So like the cabs.

Because the cab drivers didn't want it here.

Yeah.

Yeah.

I mean, it's it's understandable a lot of the cab drivers just started driving ubers like that was just kind of uh but i because the guy because you get a free tesla out of it

you mean you sign up for uber you get a free tesla

well it's not free graham's paying for it yeah with most like 250 bucks um but yeah the uh uh

uh

the cab business used to be like if you had a cab license that was worth like 150 000 yeah yeah and the several cabs I've talked to, they're like, it's worthless.

Like, it doesn't mean anything anymore.

Like, whole families existed on this.

Yeah.

And they would like hand them down through generations.

Yeah.

And they're like, you know, the cousin would drive it.

And it was like, it was a business.

And now it's just like.

This is like, and I don't feel this about a lot of things, but I'm like, yeah, that's kind of just how things work.

Yeah, it is how things work.

Things evolve.

We can't really feel bad.

I know.

It does feel like, oh, why do I, why am I.

I feel bad that like stonemasons don't don't have jobs anymore too, but I'm not like, you know, just like cost of progress.

If they played sad music during it, I'd be like, yeah, that is, that sucks.

But if they played exciting music, I'd be like, well, that's on to the next.

And I genuinely think it's like, you guys had like years to be good at this.

Yes.

Yeah, you had the, it was like Blockbuster and Netflix.

Like you had a chance.

Skype and Zoom.

Yeah.

You could have been the dominant one in the field, but.

Yeah, like I don't necessarily feel bad for anybody in this.

Well, maybe Uber drivers.

It seems like a sucky way to to make it.

Oh, yeah.

I feel bad for everyone.

It's okay to feel bad for everyone.

Yeah, you're right.

I feel bad for everybody.

You know what I do?

I tip a lot.

Yeah, I like

nice.

There's very few situations where a tip prompt comes up that I don't tip, even if it's just the tiniest little amount.

Oh, you're good.

Deeps.

Well, if you've ever worked, have you worked in retail?

I've worked in retail.

You know how bad it is.

I've never driven, though.

That's right.

Of course, we tip well.

We're 4.96 and 4.99.

I'm 4.85.

Sometimes I forget to tip.

It was that girl.

Sometimes I'm taking like four Ubers in a night to shows and I'm just like, I don't not paying any attention.

Yeah, I take like one every four months.

I'm so all my money goes to Uber.

Yeah, I rack up a

pretty good amount on Uber, but

I don't know.

I'm going to have to start at zero again.

I just have to build a new

thing.

You take one drive and you're back at five.

I truly think they're going to die.

Unless I really fuck it up.

I think they're going to know you're you and say, I don't think you're gonna get away from the entity.

It's in your phone.

No, I think I can beat the entity.

I don't know.

They're really good at that stuff.

If Ethan from, I was gonna say America Impossible, Mission Impossible.

If he can beat the entity, I can beat the entity.

Oh, yeah, that's true.

Yeah.

Could you hang him from upside down on a plane?

No.

Could you go swim by yourself to a submarine?

Like, get out of one submarine and fly and swim down to another submarine?

Because he does.

um yeah so that's my pickle i man what would you guys do would i mean i would try the new credit card thing yeah hey my credit card so you know when your credit card expires they send you a new one yeah they sent me a new one like six months in advance it's like well we know you're gonna want it yeah

let me get the all the juice out of the old one squeeze it out

what would you do i i would do exactly what you've done yeah i would just keep living and then every once in a while when I need an Uber, I'd open the Uber app and go, oh, damn,

I forgot to deal with this.

That's exactly my life.

Yeah.

Well, that's what I did today.

So we'll see when it happens next.

I do that stuff till it's like the worst possible situation.

And I've screwed myself because I did that.

Oh, yeah.

I've done things where I'm like, if you had done this in time, it would have cost you zero dollars.

Now that you're doing it super late, it's going to cost you a bunch of money.

That's every time I book a flight.

Yeah.

It's like, I kind of knew I was coming here three months ago.

I don't know why I'm booking this two weeks.

I don't know why I'm buying a ticket at the airport.

Do you guys have any flights to Vancouver?

Next flight to Vancouver.

Just go to the airport without like any.

I would love to be that rich.

That'd be so fun to just go to the airport and be like, I'll just get a flight.

Yeah.

Just do it.

I don't think they let you anymore.

Do they not?

You can buy.

I feel like you could still buy a flat at the ticket counters.

Can you show up day of the flight, say, I want to go?

I don't have any luggage.

I think so.

I think they'd double you on the next flight they could.

I don't think they'd be like, like, they'd be like, well, we have one.

We have seats on the flight.

What about what if you're a 9-11?

What if you're 9-11?

Then no chance.

I don't know.

It depends on your disguise.

What if you?

Oh, yeah, yeah.

What's your disguise?

Oh, you know what?

They'd be like, I'm suspicious.

Are you going to 9-11?

And I'd be like, no, I just,

there's a Carls Jr.

past security.

Well, do you guys want to move on to some overheard?

I do.

All right.

Do it.

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Overheard.

All right, overheards, where we hear them, you hear them, and then we just part ways.

And we like to start with the guest.

Jacob, do you have an overheard?

I do have an overheard.

This was a, I, I've never been asked this by anyone before.

No one's ever been like, what's something you've overheard?

I never thought deeply about something I had overheard and I have a bad memory, but this one stuck out.

Me and my best friend, Lockra, who lives here, we were walking around Kits one day.

Now, best friend?

Best friend, one of my best friends.

We were walking around Kits one day and

this was like a drive-by overheard.

Like a guy was on a bike and he was coming by, but he had stopped for like one second and then kept going.

And in that time, he said the words,

that's when I found out she was leaving me for him.

Oh, shit.

And then he biked off and we were like, whoa, that might have been the saddest like semblance of words I've ever heard uttered and then gone.

And like, I don't think that I could get on a bike if I was the happiest I've ever been.

Like, I don't think I could get on a bike depressed and try to wheel around the city.

Just liking it off.

There are like

more than ever people just talking.

Yes.

Walking and talking.

Walking and talking.

Like an Aaron Sorkin drama.

Also, if you take any public transit, everybody's walking and looking at their phones at the same time.

Like, nobody's looking at anything but he was in a conversation.

He was with like two other guys.

So he was like,

yeah, he was saying this.

He wasn't saying this like

I thought he was on

two people who were biking beside him.

Wow.

They were probably like, oh, God.

We just started.

Now, as someone who doesn't drive and doesn't, and takes a million Ubers, what are your thoughts on the bicycle?

I don't bike.

But like, you know how.

I know how, but I'm risk averse.

I've told you this.

Right.

I refuse to do anything to risk.

I'm the same.

I have two, like, people that ask me why I don't bike this.

I'm terrified.

It's like one screw up.

I'm dead.

My grandfather fell off a bike, had a bad head injury.

My grandmother had a bad head injury.

I'm very like I come from a long line of bad head injuries.

My dad had a head injury.

My brother, I'm very sure, has them.

He just doesn't know about it.

Yeah.

I've had them for sure with hockey and stuff.

Like, I just don't risk.

Yeah.

What is it called?

CTE?

Yeah.

Yeah.

Did you, when you played hockey, did they have the

because it was after I played hockey that they introduced they put a stop sign on the backs of Hershey stop.

Hershey sponsored it.

Oh, really?

Yeah, Hershey stopped.

And it meant, like,

if you see someone's back, stop.

Don't run into someone from behind.

I got suspended a lot.

I did not stop.

It's a good thing I don't drive.

It's a good thing I don't drive because stop signs do not affect me.

They put one at the, like, between the shoulders, and then they put one lower down.

That was the Hershey squirt.

Oh, that was the Hershey squirt.

But also, come on, get your hands out of there.

Dave, do you have an overheard?

Yeah.

So I went to see this movie, Mission Impossible, part eight.

And the guy behind me said.

The guy behind me said that was close.

But I overheard a water bottle.

So afterwards, I get on the Skytrain and

I immediately smell beer.

I'm like, oh, people are drinking beer on this Skytrain.

And this was, by the way, I saw a 2 o'clock matinee.

Okay, so we're 5 o'clock.

five fifteen yeah but the people drinking the beer didn't just start

at five o'clock they were like it's gonna be five o'clock somewhere well let's drink until we get there kind of they were so they were sitting with their feet up it was a guy and a girl they had their feet up and the woman girl woman woman girl the woman had beer cans like balanced on her shins

cool and they were on the skytrain um

playing.

His phone was playing punk rock music.

And nobody's going to say, hey, can you turn that down?

Because you know that guy's just spoiling for a fight.

It was no FX.

I just ammed it.

Nice.

Yeah.

And so she's there with these beer cans balanced precariously on her shin bones.

Mission Impossible style.

Yeah.

Tom Cruise.

My shin impossible.

Tom Cruise of the Skytrain.

And

they,

I was like, what are they doing?

And then she goes, it's falling.

Oh, and then the two beer cans fall off her shins, splash everywhere.

I assume these were empty beer cans.

Oh, no.

This is what they were drinking.

And then you get a get a peek at what kind of beer we're talking about.

It was the kind I drink.

It was the parallel 49 or 49th parallel.

I forget.

I always got those confused with the East Van Cross on it.

Oh, yeah.

A classic.

Do you ever drink beer?

I don't drink very much.

I'm stoned a lot.

Okay.

Yeah.

Oh, good.

Well, you're kept.

Well,

for the sake of her stone,

so the beer goes splashing everywhere and it makes a huge mess.

And she goes, well, I caught it before it all fell.

We can still drink a little bit.

And then, so, like, there were like, I got like four more overheads from these people.

So stay tuned.

No, no.

Oh, we're going to do them all right now.

Okay, okay.

So these are two like

drunk dirt dirtbags on the Skytrain.

The woman also says, oh, I'm definitely an asshole.

I tested so many limits, broke them all.

Look at me now.

Words to live by, really.

And then, you know how they have those, like, stickers that say priority seating for people with disabilities and

the elderly and pregnant.

And after the beer falls down, she looks around.

She's just trying to make trouble.

Yeah.

She gets up and she sees the priority seating stickers.

And

she says, oh, this would be so funny on my couch.

I actually agree with you.

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

That's true.

It is true.

She is kind of priority seating in a way.

You can't sit here unless you're on disability.

And she gets up and peels off the sticker.

Oh, my God.

And she says, stealing stickers is my favorite pastime.

Second favorite.

My favorite is drinking beer.

I just recently watched

a trio of documentaries called The Decline of Western Civilization.

Oh, about.

The first one's about punk, the second one's about having metal, and then the third one's about gutter punks, which seems like these two would fall in.

But they, boy, oh boy, do all those punks, they love drinking beer.

The biggest thing they like.

Was that directed by the woman who directed Wayne's World?

Wayne's World.

Yeah.

Penelope Spherus.

Yeah.

It's good.

If you've ever got a chance to see them, there's like, they're really, some of them are very funny.

It's also very sad.

Also, watch Wayne's World.

Yeah.

I've seen Wayne's World.

Yeah.

Yeah.

What did you think?

What's your takeaway?

Party time.

Yeah.

Wayne's World.

So good.

Excellent.

You got it.

You got it all.

Dude, I got it.

I saw that in the theater.

With my mom.

Oh, nice.

Yeah, I probably went with my mom as well.

Or, at the very least, my brother.

It would have been some sort of family.

Yeah, you guys theater saw some movies I grew up on that I'm more VHS saw.

Oh, we theater saw this shit aren't it?

Like Billy Madison or something.

I didn't get to see that in theater.

I didn't see that in the theater.

No.

Eight Crazy Nights.

I did see Eight Crazy Nights in the Theater.

Click.

That was my main.

I think I missed that.

Yeah, I never, I don't think.

Have I ever seen any Adam Sandler movie in the theater?

I don't think oh I saw Water Boy

and Spanglish Grown-ups too no I just go and boy Waterboy and yeah A Crazy Nights.

Maybe that's it.

I saw A Crazy Nights in the theater and was it everywhere?

It was really bad

Do you have an overheard?

I do and it was from my my time in Yellowknife Northwest Territories.

You ever been no, that's one of the few parts of the country I haven't.

I haven't seen any of the territories.

territories it's uh this time of year it's really like bizarre because the light never goes away you go out for a show yeah that's awesome yeah and it was uh i feel like they'd be so appreciative yes they were they were very good crowds and uh did they do this they put their fist on the chest go hey appreciate you yeah thanks for the words

um but yeah it was in an elevator and sometimes In an elevator, they have like a thing where people can put their flyers of like,

this is going on, the potluck's going on at such and such.

And there was a dating service.

I can't remember the name of it, but there was a couple in the elevator.

And the guy said to his wife, huh, that's a good opportunity to meet meet people here.

I'm sure dating in this town is pretty difficult.

And I was like, Yeah, he's right.

Yeah.

And

I wish I remember the name of it, but it was like a dating.

Like, somebody's like, let's start our own Yellowknife dating service.

And

yeah.

Yeah.

I mean, it's a very small town.

You, I feel like we talked about this already.

A lot of the territories, too, are like, don't they have like, it's like five men per every woman?

Like, it's like crazy, staggering.

That would be the name of my dating app.

Plenty of men.

You have to match with five guys.

The five guys dating app.

Yeah.

It's made by the Burger Company.

Now, we also have overheard sent in by listeners.

If you want to send one in, you could send it into SBY at maximumfun.org.

This first one comes from Amy from Seattle.

It's from my daughter's high school graduation ceremony while we were waiting for things to get started.

I was sitting in front of two teens who are trying to get their friends' attention who was playing in the orchestra out on the field.

Well, she's concentrating on something.

Sure.

Yeah.

They were on the phone with her and trying to help her find them in the stands.

And I overheard, Nora, how can you not see me?

I'm literally wearing a beige t-shirt.

I don't know how I can stand out anymore.

Although that is kind of eye-catching because they look topless.

If they're beige-skinned.

If they're, yeah, sometimes, yeah, you do a double take.

How can't you see me?

My tits are

removing me from the game.

Do you see the person getting taken out of the stands?

Anyways, so thanks, Nora, for inviting me.

Ow, my tits are just getting scraped.

Oh, boy.

I love it.

You hate to see it.

Can Can you guys wear beige?

I can't wear beige.

Like, I literally look like I'm wearing my skin.

Yeah.

Yeah.

I don't.

I have some like khaki shorts that

are that look like naked, bottom naked.

Yeah, look like the bottom naked Dave.

Yeah.

Winnie the Pooh.

Yeah.

Yeah, no, I don't wear beige.

I don't wear, I only wear black and on occasion, gray.

I love them.

Yeah.

When I hang up, I don't like drying, like putting my shirts in the dryer, so I hang them up in the laundry room, and it's just three lines of all black tea shirts.

This next one comes from Angela from Toronto.

Hey, Angela.

I'm on a 6:30 a.m.

train to Montreal, and I just heard the attendant say to somebody a few rise ahead, I could get you two beers or something, but we don't have any like morning alcohol.

How about that?

I mean, do you have any like Johnny Walker AM?

I guess like sign mixed with orange juice.

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

I mean, give me smooth drives or stuff like that.

Yeah, like Caesar.

Or you can make a coffee Irish a little bit.

Yeah, yeah.

How long is that train ride?

Montreal to or Toronto, Montreal?

It's like five hours.

Yeah, it's about four or five hours.

Aren't they trying to like

there was talk about a high-speed rail between they love talking about stuff like that?

It's so kick-ass.

Because you know, if they got that through, some developer would get like $50 billion and that would never get made.

That's why they love doing shit like that.

But they do love, people love talking about a train system.

What if it went so fast though and you were like

an hour?

It was an hour away.

What if it was one hour?

Think of all the business I'd do.

I'd bring my bagels from Montreal to Toronto and sell them.

Bagels.

Yeah, bagels, fresh bagels.

An hour away from bagels.

This last one comes from my wife, Sally.

Whoa!

Hello.

I was in Costco today and overheard a dad talking to his kid saying, it's like a meat book.

And when I looked up, it was this little girl who was holding a double pack of cold cuts connected down the middle, pretending it was a book.

It's like a meat book.

Yeah, meat book.

Cutest kid probably in the whole Costco reading.

Now,

your wife,

I know she has listened to the show since before she even knew you.

Yeah.

Whoa, that is cool.

And so I just checked.

The most recent overheard she sent in was from 2011.

Ooh.

So welcome back into the fold, Sally.

Yeah.

And, you know, 2012 is when the world ended in my calendar.

And

still,

you know what?

We're not even on Earth anymore.

This is the afterlife.

We've been in ever since 2012.

Heaven was just a long podcast.

Fine.

There's no overheards that are written in.

We also accept your phone calls.

If you want to call us or send us a voice memo, the email for that is spy at maximumfund.org and the phone number is 1-844-779-7631.

That's one ugh spypod one like these people have.

Hello, Dave Graham and amazing guest.

I'm calling with an overseen.

So I was walking down a

front trail and I passed this electrical box and on it in big floppy letters with like a sharpie somebody wrote

only God and women may enter only God and women I don't know what that means heaven or the electrical box but um

very empowering all right off I go What if God was a woman?

Oh, think about that.

Yeah.

Damn.

Yeah.

Open your mind.

See the world through a different view.

Have you listened to that song by Deshawala?

And watched the movie Dogma, where God is Alanis Morris.

Yeah.

Man, there was was a time when I've even listened to Ariana Grande's God is a Woman.

Sure.

Or What If God Was One of Us if you sang it's if you sang it and you're a woman.

But if you sang, yeah, sure.

And if a slob on the bus is also a woman, yeah, like the one you were talking about with the beer cans.

Huge slob.

Yeah.

Well, I mean, spilling beer everywhere.

Anyway, thanks for calling that one.

And here's your next poem.

Hey, Dave Graham and Impossible Guest.

This is Brian from Iowa, and I have an overheard from my 21st birthday.

We were walking between bars, and my brother Kevin got a call looked at the number and then started singing ludicrous's area codes which goes I've got hoes

hoes

in different area codes

and then he picks it up and goes oh hey Anna

Anna is our cousin well off I go

that to ring is I've got hoes in a corner

singing it beautiful voice that man yeah yeah happy 21st birthday yeah nothing worse worse than getting a call from a cousin.

It very rarely happens to me.

Once in a while I'll get a Facebook message from a cousin.

Oh, well, yeah, Facebook message.

That's what.

I've never had a cousin call me.

Yeah.

Yeah, now that I think of it.

Well, no, I've had at least one cousin call me.

Is your cousin a hoe?

I have several cousins, and yeah, they're all hoes.

Are they new hoeing?

They're very busy.

They're doing hoe shit.

I got different hoes, but they're awfully busy.

And the area codes thing, you know, they might be putting in the wrong one.

Different area codes.

Do I need to dial one?

I don't have long distance.

Okay, last phone call.

Hi, Dave Graham and guest.

We have an overseen from a local pet supply place.

My wife and I had just gotten into the car.

We were about to back out of a parking space and this woman raced kind of through

illegally across the, you know, the little stripey things where you're supposed to carry diagonally across the little stripey things we're supposed to park.

And

we almost backed into her.

And so anyway, she like tears into the parking space.

So, we back out, at which point we can see the bumper sticker on their car on her car, and it says, Jesus hates your high school dances.

Off we go.

I'm more interested in this

person that the partnership diagonally, diagonally, God, you're fucking giving me the phone.

You're ruining the story.

And you let her talk to you like that?

What if this was the new podcast?

Getting people to break up with their partners.

You let them get away with that?

You would have gotten to diagonally eventually.

Yeah.

Also, it didn't help.

Anyway, send in more over her,

please.

We're running out.

Now, this brings us to the end of the show.

Jacob, thank you so much for being our guest.

Thank you for having me.

It's really cool.

So you are going to play at the Rio Theater July 30th in Vancouver.

Yes.

And

that's, like you say, reasonably priced evening out.

I'm going to try and come and see it myself because it sounds like it's going to be really fun.

Oh, that's so nice.

I'm beyond desperate.

I've been doing it.

Such a Vancouver answer.

Yeah, I'm going to try to.

I know the person who owns the Rio, so I'll probably get it for free.

So either way, you're not making any bucks for me.

I hope I not charge you for a ticket gram.

No, I've got, you know, I've got hoes that do very well in different areas.

Well, thank you so much.

And thank you, everybody out there, for listening.

If you have different hoes in different area codes, make sure you keep tabs on them.

You know what I mean?

Call them once in a while and come on back to activity for another episode of the stop podcasting yourself.

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