Episode 883 - Maddy Kelly

Hi, he's Dave Shumka.

And he's Graham Clark.

And together we host Stop Podcasting Yourself.

Woo!

Hello, everybody, and welcome to episode number 883 of Stop Podcasting Yourself.

My name is Graham Clark.

With me, as always, is a man who don't take no shit.

Mr.

Dave Shumka.

I don't take no shit.

You're going to hear all about that later.

I've got a great story coming up this week about me not taking shit from nobody.

Oh, I stood up for myself.

I really was quite self-righteous and it felt good.

Yes.

Oh,

I was

asking to speak to the manager.

Yes.

I can't wait.

I cannot wait.

Our guest today, returning guest to the podcast, one of our all-time faves.

Very funny comedian, writer.

Do we do a rhyme?

Oh,

you got the laughs in the belly, and it's going to be an addie kelly.

Whoa.

That's the Rosie O'Donnell show.

We did an episode where...

Hi, Maddie Kelly.

Maddie Kelly.

Hello, Matt.

What's up?

Thank you for having me.

I'm not going to start by saying, what's up?

We did a bonus episode all about the Rosie O'Donnell show.

Did you ever watch the Rosie O'Donnell show?

I'm a huge fan.

No, I've never seen it.

On every episode, she would do a little two-line rhyme about the guests.

She'd be like,

On the Halloween episode, Gary Marshall, Felicia Rashad, and Phil Collins were there.

We're gonna get scary with Felicia, Phil, and Gary.

It's the Rosie O'Donnell show.

Yeah.

And so Graham and I think we're gonna do it for every guest.

Oh, no, I do not.

I do not believe that that is the case.

Graham is excited.

He's got a twinkle in the eye.

He's saying no, but his body says yes.

Maddie.

Do you want to get to know us?

Yes.

Get to know us.

How are you?

Okay.

How's it a year, right?

No time.

It's been actually over a year, I believe.

Okay, but that's because you've been...

I'm abroad.

Yeah,

you're abroad already.

Yeah.

Barcelona.

Are you Vicky Christina Barcelona?

Where the sun is bright and the waters cool.

Is that true?

Is it on the water?

Nope.

It's on the water.

I might go to Lisbon.

Yeah.

I run around with the idea.

I took a quiz online where I can go with your Vicky Christina Barcelona has a Lisbon scene in it.

I feel like every time I come on this show, we talk about this movie, which is funny because I've never seen it.

Me neither.

Yeah, I've seen it.

It's great.

Oh, okay.

Probably the water's pretty warm, actually.

Maybe the water's not cold there, but it's warm.

You're going to go to Lisbon?

Well, I took a quiz online and said, where should I go in Europe?

You know what I mean?

Sure.

And said, Portugal for me.

Okay.

Okay.

But the quiz was kind of like BuzzFeed style: like,

which of these leaves do you like?

You know what I mean?

Which of these pieces of pie do you like?

And it was paid for by Tourism Portugal.

What kind of pie led you to be?

I don't know.

It was like I can't remember which pie specific.

Well, you don't know because

the pie I picked might have been London.

You know what I mean?

But I picked enough of those.

How many questions were there?

200.

Okay.

I know.

Look at SAT.

What'd you score?

Perfect.

Perfect.

I wish I took the SAT.

I've always wanted to.

I did because all my siblings went to college in America.

What is it?

Like an aptitude test?

Or what?

It's a scholastic aptitude test, as a matter of of fact all right um it's and it

it it was out of 1600 half verbal half math i think i got 1300 or something and that sounds good it was deece yeah uh considering my grades weren't very good i was like i'm built for standardized testing um but uh

then they changed it and it's like And then maybe changed it back.

Like the scoring, like I remember kids like 10 years ago being like, yeah, I scored 8,000.

I scored 2.5 million on my SAT.

SAT inflation.

Was that something that you had to take through school?

Or was it a thing that you like, if you wanted to go to the States, you had to take it?

Yeah.

Okay.

It was like we, I had to go to a different school.

It's like cost money.

And then you, that's like, it's one of like the classic scams, which is like everyone in America like gets a tutor for it.

Right.

They teach them all the little tricks.

It's like, it's the classic.

This is on behalf of the tutor lobby.

This is on behalf of old money lobby.

You know what I mean?

And my dad said it's not a bug.

It's a feature.

You know, they do this on purpose to keep more people out.

And then also you can take that 60, I think, as many times as you want.

Yeah, I took it twice because I was like, oh, maybe I can bump up my math because my verbal, I was very good on verbal.

And then I bumped up my math, but my verbal went down.

Can I combine these two?

Yeah.

Wow.

Where do you have to do it in?

You obviously don't do it at home, but where do do you go to do this?

A gymnasium somewhere?

Mick Roberts High School in Richmond in 1997.

So there's no way you could like plant answers somewhere in the bathroom and then like, because do they just say, okay, it's this tomorrow.

You got to be at the play.

I don't know.

Does everyone get the same test even?

Like, it could

because they could get.

The thing it's famous for,

I mean, I guess it's...

But like the kind of question you only see on the SAT is the

analogies.

Right.

Blank is to blank is blank is to blank.

Blankest to blank is blankest to blank.

Yeah.

And did you?

I love those.

Yeah, me too.

Yeah, me too.

I think.

Do we look some up?

Yeah.

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Yeah, I.

That was the only.

There was an essay question I did pretty well with essay questions.

There was the SAT 2s had the essay question.

Oh, shit.

The sequel.

SAT 2.

It was the sequel.

I don't know.

SAT returns.

It's personal.

Drip is to gush.

Hell yeah.

Look, if anybody knows that, it's me and my crew.

Oh, my God.

I wish they...

I want three of the four, and then you have to pick out the fourth.

Drip is to gush as cry is to laugh, curl is to roll, stream is to tributary, dent is to destroy, and bend is to angle.

I forget what the first thing was.

Drip to gush.

Drip to gush.

Drip to gush.

I'm going to go with

dent is to destroy.

I can't remember what the thing.

Wasn't there something about rolling and Yeah, there was curl and roll.

Do you need glasses?

Curl and roll is compelling in a way.

Yeah, I know.

Extreme truth, that's kind of reversed.

I'm going to go with Dave too.

Dave 2, like the SAT2s.

All right.

Well, that was good.

Oh, we don't have the answer.

Do we get the answer?

I don't know.

Oh, one was D.

Yeah.

It was to destroy.

D for Dave.

Nice.

Yeah.

One time my family was kind of.

Oh, my God.

This one's tough.

Okay.

Union Jack is to vexillology.

Okay.

I got it.

As toad is to ornithology, turtle is to microbiology, gymnosperms is to botany.

I used to say data to botany.

Friend is to home economics.

And algae is to zoology.

Friend is to home economics.

That's awesome.

That one's my favorite one, just personally.

Poetically.

What is ornithology again?

Ornithology is birds.

Okay.

Turtle is to microbiology.

No too big.

Gymnosperms.

Maybe it's gymnosperms.

Yeah, gymnosperms.

Okay, number four.

I think it's gymnoster.

Gymnoster.

Nice.

This is making me realize I'm very visual because I can't, I'm not getting it at all when you're talking.

Sorry.

And then I have to look over there.

And then I'm sure our visual listeners.

Student as a youth.

Uh, no.

But did you charm your way through high school?

You so loot me.

My best friend describes it.

She says, you used to go to the teachers with your grades and your tests and go, what are we going to do about this?

How do we get me into a nice age yeah i don't know i just i didn't feel the need to show up there mostly i thought that going for lunch or reading my book would be more interesting and better and i was right and i usually just kind of teach myself what i needed to know and then i'd take the test and i'd be fine yeah vexology i didn't like make work very much i really resented it yeah no i think uh we all resented high school in our own ways

but yeah i'm not surprised to hear that you were uh you were making deals I was making deals.

Yeah, yeah.

Because they just couldn't really, like, there was nothing they could say if I was doing well.

And then there was the only thing that was the most annoying thing ever is I had gone to French immersion and this school would not let me

like go a grade above or something like that.

In regular French?

In like high school French when I went to a non-French high school.

I should have just taken Spanish.

Like that, then I would know a bit of Spanish.

Then you could go to overseas.

Maybe that's where you want to go.

You can go to Lisbon.

If you want to Lisbon,

you guys speak Portuguese here?

Damn it.

Damn it.

Well, because I already had an experience where I went to Costa Rica, Nicaragua with my father, and he put me in charge of learning Spanish.

He says, I'll pay for you.

You learn Spanish.

It's your job.

Didn't blew that off as well.

What did you do with the money?

No, we went to Nicaragua with the money.

Okay, but he did, I'll pay for you to learn Spanish.

No.

Oh, this is a collaboration.

My parents loved to get me a piano and then four months later be like,

I didn't like it.

Why you not?

But I didn't have any lessons or anything.

And they were like, we got you a book.

So maybe this is where this started.

And then you were just skipping out and reading a book.

Now, I can't play piano, I can't speak Spanish.

What else can't you do?

Love.

No, that's not true.

Well, you've got to make it commitment has been challenging for me.

Sure, but like, have you read the book of love?

No, who wrote the book of love?

I wonder.

Here's who I want to.

I want to.

I don't know much about history.

Is that the same guy?

I don't know much biology.

Yeah.

Is that a different song?

No, that's.

Oh.

Wait, what was the first one again?

History, biology.

No, the book of love.

No, because this is now that I can dance.

No, no, no.

What's the one?

What a wonderful world this would be.

Yeah.

Who put the bob in the map, sham, shampob?

I don't know, but I know who put the ram in the ram.

I want to thank whoever that man was.

I want to thank that man.

My dogs are going nuts right now.

They are.

They're losing their mind.

Do you think there's a ghost up there?

I think it's probably there's

like people on the front lawn are like playing Babinton.

Maybe like another dog is out front building a

dog house.

I live here now.

Last time you were on the show.

Yeah.

You were living in Los Angeles.

Yes.

Sun-soaked.

You were on the Venice Beach.

Loved it.

Yeah.

Muscle Beat.

Miss it every day.

Rollerblade around everywhere.

Yeah.

You didn't like it.

No, I did like it.

I did like it.

I was the only person that maintained that I liked it.

You know what I mean?

Big pink sky every night, night, you know?

Go over to stand-ups, big, pink sky.

Yeah.

I was working pretty hard, I would say, to get a very small amount done, you know?

Oh, I see.

Yeah.

In terms of, okay, I want to go make a video.

Well, now I got to drive to

Paramount.

I got to borrow their cameras.

It was just like a lot of work, it felt like to do just normal things because you always got it.

You have to plan everything out.

You got to park.

You got to blah, blah, blah, blah, blah.

And then also, you know, not so much stand-up.

And I had moved there thinking I could get like an assistant job

on like a TV show or something.

Right.

And then I just got a full writing job in Halifax.

So I'd been doing that.

Like I'd been getting up at like 5 a.m.

Right.

To do that remotely.

Coupled with I had been going to New York more frequently to do stand-up comedy and really actually enjoying it.

And then we started to get what I would describe as just a very, very strong.

intuition that I should move.

You know, when you're like, you don't really want it to be true, you know?

Why do you want it to be true?

That sounds like a good.

Oh, no.

Because then I'd have to move.

It happens to me with boys.

I'm like, oh, I don't like this boy.

He's mean, but there is something about him.

And then I do have this intuition that maybe he's the one.

I could fix him.

And then, okay, then I move in with him.

I leave my family.

Now, your intuition is strong.

Bad, Dave.

No, I have, yeah, I definitely like.

You nurture your intuition.

Even with this, is how I quit drinking as well.

And, you know, I'm sober but I do drink so it is confusing

but it was the same thing same thing as moving to New York where it was just like you this is true you're quitting drinking and you can either ignore that for a little bit and feel kind of sick and bad and strange you know or you can just do it right and I felt the same I literally came back from New York in the summer and I was

you're saying that not drinking would make you feel sick and bad and strange no no no when I I knew I was going to quit drinking.

Okay.

I could feel it coming.

Oh.

Finish this because I want to come back to this.

Drinking.

I want to come back to your sober, but drinking.

Totally.

Oh, got it.

Anyway, my intuition told me to move to New York and I did.

And then I was really happy with it immediately.

I would say day one.

Yeah.

What's your intuition?

What is it working on now?

It's landing you in a place.

It's telling me to become a journalist.

Yeah.

Yeah.

We need to be a really good journalist.

We need them.

Yeah.

That's the tough question.

We need them.

There's plenty and they're all just being fired.

I'll do it for free.

Yeah.

Just start a sub sub stack.

Citizen journalism.

Oh, yeah.

Start a sub stack.

And then it'll come to my email and I'll mark it as red.

Yeah, same.

Liz Gilbert, Letters to Love, more like Letters to Love I'm Not Reading.

Shoot, you know?

I love her.

So you're sober but drinking.

Yeah.

Explain what that means.

Well,

in the last two years, coming up on two years, I have not been drunk except once, and that was kind of an accident.

Okay.

I was on a boat, you know what I mean?

Sure.

But I haven't, I've, I don't like, I used to drink on purpose to get drunk, like on purpose.

Sure.

Yeah.

So now I have perhaps a vermouth and soda a couple times a month, but that barely feels like anything.

That's just more patronizing the bar.

Yeah.

Okay.

Compared to what I was doing before, this really does.

It feels like I'm.

The other thing is, it's just easier to have the reputation as a sober person.

Yeah.

Then people don't offer you anything.

And then you can have a sneaky drink every once in a while.

It is good.

Like I

like to drink, but I

find if I drink after dinner, I'm just going to feel bad in the morning, no matter how little.

So I'll have a, like, as I'm making dinner, I'll have a little cocktail.

But after 7 p.m.

That's smart.

Oh, you know what?

I do have beer after hockey, but that just goes right through you.

Beer after hockey.

Never,

never too chalky.

A beer before.

game.

You're going to feel blocky.

Yeah.

Yeah.

Don't do beer before game.

You're going to be out of control.

Yeah.

Don't do beer before a game.

Do beer after game.

Remember when we all went to whiskey for my last dance and we all learned that they are kind of drinking beers to play basketball?

I don't remember that bit about it.

They drink a beer sometimes when they're getting like ready.

Oh, yeah.

I mean, there's some people who can do that because they're elite.

So crazy.

Yeah, like a you know, a speed skater could probably drink all the live long day and it just metabolizes through them.

They're just yeah.

Also, if you're like

25 years old and you're burning

8,000 calories a day.

Yeah.

Have a beer.

So that's what you're doing is mostly preparing for the Olympics.

Yeah.

But where, like, in under what circumstances do you drink?

Is it you're out with friends or you're at a bar?

You're going to get one thing.

Do you ever go to the bar by yourself, read a book, have a drink?

No.

Okay.

No.

I used to do that.

I used to drink

drinks in my bed

by myself.

For fun.

You know?

No, that was mostly pandemic.

I was doing that.

Pandemic ruled.

I'm like

Cynthia Nixon, and just like that.

I drank too much in the pandemic, and then I drank, don't drink.

Yeah, I was worried that she wasn't going to get her way out of that.

I thought she was doomed as a character.

When's it coming back?

Soon?

I can't wait.

I don't know, but I'm ready.

The Super Bowl was on yesterday.

They showed previews for a bunch of things.

White Lotus is out.

Episode one is out as this episode is on.

Oh, I'm so excited.

You haven't had anything to watch altogether in a while.

The zombie mushroom show is coming back in April.

Oh, is that the last?

Yeah, I guess so.

Too scary.

I don't watch.

Too scary.

I haven't watched either of those things.

I haven't watched White Lotus.

I watched a couple episodes and then I just lost track of it.

You don't like rich people's shows, right?

Yeah.

He likes them just like that.

Right.

Yeah, that's true.

And they're all pretty wealthy.

Except.

They're like magical realism wealthy, though.

It's like, what's going on with this?

They're magical realism.

Yeah.

And she gets to move into a giant, beautiful apartment because she has all Big's money.

And then she couldn't figure out the dishwasher, so she sold it.

Yeah.

But she had a pretty beautiful apartment before Big came along anyway, because she wrote a column.

See, these days it would be a sub stack and you wouldn't be able to get that out.

You can't draw a penis on a substack.

There is an episode, a very famous episode,

where she does describe that.

That apartment is rent-controlled and costs $700.

And she's like looking for new apartments, and she's like, her budget is like $2,300.

And then they're all really bad.

And then

friends,

there's some explanation of their

friends as well.

Yeah.

Grandmother.

Now,

where do we leave off with, I can't remember what the final episode of.

Oh, it was incredible.

Carrie and Aiden.

Aiden breaks up with Carrie again.

And Carrie takes this to mean, I'm going to wait for five years till his kids are out of high school.

He'll date me again.

And then she's on a beach.

flying there.

That's right.

Oh, because he, I didn't watch this, but they broke up because he was, his kids are his priority yeah yeah he's too much of a family man his son was acting he was like going to the city all the time to see her and like Carrie you know just does not like to leave the city sure really for any reason well because it's part of it's the fifth character it's true yeah it's in the title too you know that's so true

yeah she's she was drinking a she was having a nice cold drink on the beach if I recall with Seema would you do that if you were on Hot Beach get one of those like a tropical drink I think there's like okay it's like here's my cute you're not here's my I didn't bring this up to for for it to be like yeah uh some kind of morality quiz oh i'm just interested i think like yeah hot beach day little margarita and when i think like when everyone's dancing if it's a wedding yeah yeah it's like nice to have something to drink and then

that's about that's kind of it i have my little vermouths every once in a while because on my street where i live in new york my friends all hang out at the bar on the corner and some of them work there what's the corner viral it's called well i don't want to say because people will

right don't want a bloker spot.

And that's cool.

I'm gatekeeping that, actually.

I've never done that in my life.

You're allowed to.

It's called beep.

Nice.

I don't want people showing up.

I don't want our dirtbag listeners to show you.

Which is a really small place.

Yeah.

Oh, you can really go.

Look for the small place.

That's the dream of living in a big city.

Yeah.

A corner bar.

Honestly, my life is a little too convenient right now.

Okay.

Yeah.

Like you store too

close.

Yes.

Prices too reasonable.

Horio's Target, library, corner bar, comedy club, all within

four blocks.

Whoa.

And really, most of those things are on just a one block.

So like that's your block.

Yeah.

It's very hard to get me to leave.

Yeah.

And I don't like going on the train because of all the horrors.

Yeah.

Horrors?

Yeah.

Okay.

We don't speak of what we see down there.

Have you seen anything really, really funky?

The other day I saw, I was walking, there's a bunch of rose petals.

petals, okay, okay, all leading to two homeless guys asleep.

I was like,

what happened here?

It's a real switcheroo.

Someone proposed down here in the worst place on earth.

Like, it's a, it's an incredible, it's like it's the eighth wonder of the world, the subway system.

Okay, I love it.

It's a great thing that they make really amazing.

Yeah.

But yeah, I'd be worried about those gangs of New York, especially that Bill the Butcher.

Yeah.

Total.

And, you know.

And Cameron Diaz.

Oh, God.

One time I had a weed drink branded TBD.

Okay.

Those are the best ones.

TBD?

They're the best ones?

Yes.

Okay.

I love those.

Is it a play on CBD and THC?

Or to be determined?

What happens to you?

Oh, sure.

And I had to get to the, well, to the F to the L, if you must know.

And that is actually kind of a hard.

switcheroo.

I've learned now, even as a sober person, you know, like even not on the weed drink.

I get lost, fully lost underground for 35 minutes.

Can you use a phone?

Oh, yeah.

I'm using every, I'm using everything that there could be, every resource at my disposal.

I'm running around underground, lost.

I mean, I could get, like, I know I could get out to the street, of course, but I'm trying to get onto this other train platform

going in the right direction.

FML, you see.

A guy comes up to me.

He goes,

I'm trying to get to the F going uptown.

I go, you're not, you're, I think you're even more lost than me, you know, I, and I give him directions, but I, I'm lost too, you know, so we've met up rat, rat style.

And, you know, I'm, I'm 20, this is, I'm 20 minutes in at this point.

Okay.

Eventually I get up, just, I just leave.

I just go to the street.

What street is this at?

6th and 14th.

Okay.

Yeah.

And I'm like, I just got to clear my head and go back down when I'm ready.

You know, downtown.

And I'll go on the stairs down to the one that says it's going to be mine.

Okay.

So I do that.

I can't even find those stairs for a long time.

That reminds me of a certain home alone sequel.

Now I'm lost for 10 minutes upstairs.

you know what I mean?

In the fresh air.

Go back down.

I'm on my platform.

My, my, my, I'm cooling off, you know?

Yeah.

I'm like, okay, we did it.

We're standing on the train platform for the right train.

Yeah.

Who comes up to me, but the guy that was lost 25 minutes ago?

He's still, he's even more lost.

And then I said, maybe you should be friends.

I was like, go up to the street.

I said, go up to the street.

It's your only hope.

That's what I did.

And he goes, okay, awesome.

Can I have your phone number?

And I said, I was so high on the weed.

I said, if we're supposed to meet again, we will.

And then the train doors went.

Could still happen.

Yeah.

Was he a guy you would be interested in meeting?

And he had a huge mask on, like a crazy mask, like a way bigger mask than

Halloween spooky.

No, like a COVID mask.

I don't know what he looked like.

Cinderella style.

Yeah.

Hey, Cinderella reboot.

She loses her mask.

Yeah.

And how does,

what happens to Cinderella?

Is that the glass sliver?

Yeah.

Snow White's the one with the sleeping, right?

No.

Sleeping Beauty is also the one with the slipping.

Yeah, they both sleep.

It's a very lazy

group of stories.

I think, here's my idea.

Here's my pitch for a movie.

You both meet and

you both have masks on.

And you're like, oh, I wonder what he looks like.

And then you get his number and you're texting.

You're like, hey, do you mind

showing me what you look like?

He sends a dick pick.

With a mask.

With a little mask over the head.

Over the head.

That's the best part.

I want to see that part.

So this weed drink, is it something that you, did you do it, or is it something you're sipping or are you chugging it like before you get into the

did you begin your trip and you're like,

oh, I better have this before I leave the house?

Or

like, were you getting more and more stoned as you were?

That night we were at the bar without the name and

we walked to the bodega to get it.

Tell us what the bodega is called.

It's

like joking.

It's called happiness gourmet.

Nice.

Yeah.

That's a great name.

Yeah.

That one's weird because bacon, egg, and cheese, awesome.

Chopped cheese, terrible.

Really?

Well, did you find a decent chopped cheese?

She's from New York.

That one's great because, yes, it's in a very New York thing.

F.A.O.

Schwartz.

Yes.

F.A.O.

Schwartz is good.

Stephen Colbert, bad.

I recently went to Katz Deli, and that's...

Is it Katz?

Nothing could be.

I went to Katz.

No, Katz Delicatessen, of course.

The most, probably one of the most famous places in New York.

She went to Katz Deli.

Your name is Maddie Kelly.

It's the Rosie O'Donnell show.

Oh, we did it.

When Harry met Sally Deli, you know,

I'll have a chopped cheese halving.

Dave, Dave's on fire.

I can't keep up.

Why don't you read a couple more of these little analogies?

Yeah.

So I went to Katz.

This place has like 200 people outside.

Is it Katz or Katz's?

I don't know.

Okay.

200 people outside lined up every day.

Really?

Yeah.

Oh, wow.

Nothing can be good that's lined up 200 people every day, for sure.

It's like Disneyland.

How long do you like?

How long is that lineup?

I don't know.

I'm never

standing at 15 million dollars.

You're hearing as you walk by, you hear people orgasming.

Yeah, yeah.

Everybody's out.

They even have a sign and it said this, like they point at the table.

Isn't that cute?

Yeah.

Anyway, finally went to like four in the morning because, like, then you can just walk in.

Right.

Best thing I've ever had in my whole life.

Couldn't believe it.

What was it?

What was it?

Pastrami?

I had both.

I had pastrami and corned beef, but it was like, it's like $30

to be fair.

But it's like, it's an amount of meat that no no one in our generation has ever had in one like sandwich.

Like, it's like from the past.

So, wait, does that mean it's a lot or not a lot?

A lot.

Okay, no one from our generation.

I've had a lot of meat in my life.

No, you've never had this much meat on a sandwich.

When I think of past generations, I think of them starving.

Right.

Well, this would have been the best thing in the world then and now.

Yeah.

Like, at least kind of almost bordering on like a six-inch thing of meat.

The two, I've gone to Schwartz's deli in Montreal, like years apart, and I did feel like the meat, the smoked meat, they reduced the amount over time.

Right.

Yeah.

See, they know this is like from the past.

And you have the little cappuccino, like, that's like old, old cappuccino.

It's like old man food.

You know what I mean?

Yeah.

And it was so good.

And it smelled incredible.

And there were so many people working there.

And they were all cutting up the meat.

And it was so, it was just like, I couldn't believe, I couldn't believe something that popular could be that good.

Also, apparently they do $100,000 a day in sales.

Really?

Yeah.

That's how many people come in and out of there.

That's how much we

doing something like that at that scale with quality.

Yeah.

What the hell?

At that scale, but not expanding.

Not being

everywhere.

Yeah, that's great.

Good for that.

It's a crazy system.

You got to like pay on a ticket and you give like you they have this like crazy little ticket you give them so you can get out of it.

You're not allowed out of there if you don't you show them your ticket.

Do they have kind of a booth that you have to go by?

Like you pay if you're counters.

There's like so many counters and then you're trying to, you're like.

If you lose your ticket and you just live there, you're like, it's like the terminal?

Yeah.

So that's where you and your roommates are waiting for you to come back.

And then everyone was making fun of me because they were like, oh, you moved because I don't, everyone else lives in Brooklyn.

I live in Manhattan.

And everyone's like, oh, Maddie goes, Maddie lives in Manhattan and goes to Cat's Deli, you know?

I wouldn't stop talking about it.

I was like, but you know, we should really be talking about this more.

It's actually good.

No one told me.

Yeah.

I want to go.

That sounds amazing.

I want to say, try one of these cappuccinos you're talking about.

I don't know what you could eat there, really.

Cappuccino.

You could have a cappuccino.

The ambiance would be a bit more.

What was the place on.

You can get eggs.

potato salad?

If they said I'd get leaves.

Did you like that?

Yeah.

Full-blown eggs.

What was the place on Commercial Drive that closed?

Joe's?

Joe's.

There was.

It closed?

It closed like last year.

Joe retired and I think moved to Portugal.

Yeah.

He's in Lisbon.

I'll see you.

Living your dream.

Or maybe the Azores.

But

there were a bunch of news stories about Joe's cafe

on the last week of it.

And it was such a 90s relic.

Like

I never went, but the cappuccinos they had, they were showing were like the kind you would get in the 90s with the big shaker of cinnamon.

And they were like, this is where 5440 used to drink coffee.

I went there, but only a few times.

And even though I had a weekly show.

right across the street.

You don't eat coffee before your show.

No.

That's great.

It's encouraging that a famous place that

is actually good because none of the stuff usually lives up to the hype.

Everyone's like,

tell me the hidden gems.

I don't want to go to all these touristy places.

I went to the International Soup.

kitchen, which was the soup Nazi place.

And it was the soup was amazing.

You know what?

It's really

what lives up to the hype is standing outside the Today Show.

Also, that's like one of the only things in Midtown that is worth doing at all.

Yeah.

Because that is is a wasteland.

But like you get soup and then they throw in a bunch of stuff as well.

They say like candy and fruit and bread.

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Awesome.

No, we did go.

The M ⁇ M shop.

The M ⁇ M story too.

Yeah.

Yeah.

Usually when something's as big as the M ⁇ M story, how do they keep up the quality?

Too big to fail.

Yeah.

What's okay.

What's the weirdest New York thing that's happened to you since you moved to New York?

Where you're like only in New York?

Not the weirdest, the New Yorkiest.

The New Yorkiest, yeah.

That's a good question.

Have you ever been ever said, I'm walking here?

Is that a word that comes out of your mouth?

Do you understand the words that are coming out of my mouth?

Rush hour.

I'm trying to think of anything like.

Oh my gosh, we've sapped her energy.

Oh, nuts.

I don't know, you guys.

I'm sorry.

That's fine.

I hang out with most of the people from Alabama.

How come?

I don't know.

It just kind of happened like that.

What is a...

They've got a charming accent.

Charm is all hell, Alabama.

I think people who like grew up in the

grew up up in the south and then chose moved to New York that's like extreme New York you know what I mean because it's like they really they really could be on a porch drinking a dying mountain yeah you know dying that'd be so easy for them to be in a target you know yeah but instead no new york things that have happened to me well one time

i was recording a podcast

oh that's totally new york

you're oh wow and i was i was on the i was on carrie and her friends podcast yeah where she's uh she doesn't discuss any of the sex stuff.

Yeah, she's approved.

What is her friend's name?

Uh, JDS.

JDS, yeah.

And she does a comedy concert.

So, oh, yeah, her comedy concert.

If you guys get me started on talking about JDS, you'll never be allowed to talk about anything more.

When you saw her act that she was doing for the uh, for the agent or whatever, yeah, it was the sloppiest attempt at writing a stand-up.

Like, they could have gotten a stand-up to just write a couple of jokes.

Even just like just one joke.

And her thing, her last, her closer was,

this is one of the things you bring up all the time and i can't remember

uh she said that uh

her kitchen and her living room are so far apart that she has to take an uber between one and the other and i was like that's not a joke it didn't even do well in the show it didn't do well it doesn't even they don't even juice it like she balanced and then she's like good night yeah she said well that's a big closer

part of the show is that the show business parts are the like everything's like off and crazy yeah the show business like parts remember remember the episode where like a cell phone goes off during like the taping and the director stomps out onto the floor and says you've ruined everything this pilot is not gonna go

i was like what come on yeah anyway i finally thought of a story but the new york thing that happened to me and then you guys were just wanting to talk about my favorite show of all time i got distracted have you ever uh we uh we really talked about this a lot with jen kirkman when she was on

And just like that.

She's a big fan as well.

Oh, sure.

When the new season starts, we'll have to get her back on.

Also, you, if you ever run into Jen Kirkman in New York, talk about it and just like that.

Yeah.

Awesome.

That's your automatic in.

Yeah, you want to get in.

No, I actually love her.

Would you would you write on that show or would you be too intimidated?

I would do anything to write on that show.

I would do anything to write on that show.

Okay.

I really feel like I could be of assistance.

Yeah.

I really think I could get some help in there.

Do you got a plot line that maybe you throw out there?

Like, what if?

Okay, can I answer a different question with a hologram?

Because now I can say this because, you know, Caribbean Enthusiasm is done, you know?

So I have a Kirbyer Enthusiasm idea, okay?

Okay, okay.

So I know.

And just like that, I'm just going to be across all.

I'm across all of it.

You know what I mean?

I'm going to help out a lot.

But Kirby Enthusiasm, it's only had this one idea, and which is this.

Larry gets upset.

Who?

Larry David.

Oh,

from Curbier Enthusiasm.

Yeah, from Career Enthusiasm.

You ever watched Seinfeld?

I've seen one episode.

He wasn't really in it.

I've seen the episode with Larry David in it.

Okay.

He's in the Cape.

Remember that?

Yeah, he's in the Cape.

He was George Steinbrunner.

He's showing off now.

He's the guy who won't accept the money, the bill with the big legs.

And he's like a sci-fi movie as well.

Yeah, he does it all.

He's all over it.

He's so cool.

You have an idea for a show for him.

No,

he's going to be upset in his office that someone keeps squishing the garbage and not taking it out.

And then he's going to catch the person squishing it, and he's going to go, no more squishing.

No more squishing.

That's a take it out.

Yeah.

And that's the idea.

Do you want to hear my idea?

Yeah.

Larry Davids had an award show.

He's one of the presenters.

Hey, can stop.

What the hell, man?

Can I talk to you outside?

Yeah.

So is it the squishing?

Is that in his own private office?

You know, because he has a production office.

Oh, for the

previous season?

No, he just works sometimes from an office.

Yeah, does he have an assistant?

Or is he?

He has all kinds of people that work there.

Okay.

He has an assistant.

He has other people that come in and out of there, I've noticed.

Okay.

He could be at home as well.

Because I'm thinking of the time he had an office and he could be JB Smooth squishing the garbage yeah okay good

Graham you had an idea award show award show he's not an award show he's a presenter nice he's he's they never did that no but he'd be great at it yeah so he then he goes to use the washroom and he sees

in real life or the character both being as a presenter he'd be great in real life yes okay yeah uh he sees one of the nominees in the bathroom and they don't wash their hands and when he goes up they win, but he doesn't want to shake their hands.

So he goes one down and gives them the award.

And then it's wild.

Perfect.

Okay, here's my idea.

And then it's like a big feud in the, in the press.

Like, why did he shake his hand?

Yeah.

Exactly.

Here's my idea.

He's at an award.

He's presenting.

He sees a nominee in the bathroom.

The nominee washes his hands, uses the

paper towel, throws the paper towel in the garbage.

Garbage is overflowing.

The guy, the nominee starts pressing down.

Ah, this is good.

That's good combo.

Okay, we got to come back to the fact that we asked you for a New York thing.

And then I stuttered for like 80 seconds.

And then you said, I have one.

And then we were like, no, no, no, no, no.

Have you run into Jen Kirkerman?

So I was recording a podcast in the Spotify headquarters.

Okay.

And this is in the financial district, and I'm kind of distracted by that.

La la la la la.

And I go in the business.

Money, money, money.

Yeah, yeah.

I'm like, I want to see the bull, you know.

And then I go up very high in an elevator and I'm very high.

And oh, there's a Statue of Liberty.

That's cool.

There she blows, you know.

Yeah.

And I go, really, a lot of security in this building.

And the girl I was with goes, you are in the World Trade Center.

Ah.

And I was like, oh, yeah.

That's actually not enough security for where I am then.

Yeah.

That's pretty New York.

That's New York.

I think the big problem on 9-11, not enough security that day.

Wow.

Yeah, absolutely.

In the building.

You saw the Brutalist.

Yeah.

Did you love the shot?

I loved the shot where he's coming on, it's like the first scene of the movie.

He's on the boat, and then the camera pans in as the upside down

Statue of Liberty.

Yeah.

Oh, so basically.

That's on the poster, upside down.

Okay.

Basically, what happened for me is I was watching that movie at two, three minutes, okay?

And I was like, okay, yeah, I thought this would be kind of something like this.

And then that shot happened, and I let, it was like an engine revved in my brain.

And we never, I never let go.

Yeah.

I was like.

The music's so cool.

Pedal to the metal, all the rest.

Even intermission, I was like freaking out.

I loved the intermission.

I love the intermission.

They learned its own song.

Yeah.

Yeah.

I thought you didn't like it.

I liked the first half.

Oh, the first half.

That's right.

I did think that.

A lot of people seemed to like that first half, and then they thought maybe the ending could come a little bit.

I loved it.

That's how I felt about the Super Bowl yesterday.

I didn't watch it.

Did you watch?

Like the first half.

Yeah.

Maybe you guys should work on your attention spans.

Everyone that was texting me, I'm not going to watch a three and a half hour movie, I said, then you need to.

How about that?

You need to watch a three and a half hour movie.

It's nice.

In a regular movie, you kind of peak

phone wanting at like hour two, but then you get your phone, right?

In a three-hour movie, you peak wanting your phone, and then you don't get your phone, and then you leave and you go, I don't need to look at my phone even more.

I'll go another hour.

I'll go two more hours.

I like a little vacation.

Yeah.

Yeah.

And that doesn't.

What she's saying doesn't apply to everyone.

Because also it was not a three-hour movie.

It was a three-hour and 35-hour minute movie.

And then you want to look at your phone immediately and be like, huh, what other brutalist buildings did this guy see?

True, it's true.

Oh, wait, none.

This was not a real guy.

And all the buildings are fake.

He's even better.

That means they made them for the movie.

That means I got to see them for the movie and they designed them.

That's so much cooler.

Well, most of them are off-screen.

Oh, I built this.

I built this.

I built this.

And then at the end of my career, look at all these buildings I built.

Maybe they were AI.

Certainly my accent was.

I love that movie.

I'm the only one here who hasn't seen it, so I got no comments.

I saw the poster.

Nope.

I've heard that the first half is good.

And then the other one is a huge movie.

I really recommend it.

I think every movie that came out this year was like a movie.

And God bless those movies.

Every movie that came out this year was a movie.

It was all like, oh, we did a new sex thriller.

Oh, we did another sex thriller.

Oh, we did a sports one.

Oh, we did a

body horror like 80s thing.

You know what I mean?

It was the sports one.

Challengers.

Challengers.

Nice.

What were the sports?

Oh, we we did Garfield, you know?

Baby Girl.

Oh, yeah.

That's a sex thriller.

And well, actually, I really liked Anora.

It would be thrilling.

Yeah, oh, absolutely.

I really loved the film Anora, but I.

Oh, I always go out to the end.

I just thought the Brutalist was so different and cool.

I've heard Anora is like the one to watch.

Also, I don't even like dramas.

No?

No.

What do you like?

A thriller?

A rom-com girl.

You like a rom-com.

And

I like love.

Yeah.

And I like action.

And I like adventure.

Did you like, what is the one that...

Temple of Doom?

The romantic comedy with

the woman, what's her name from White Lotus?

Cindy Sweeney.

Cindy Sweeney.

Did you see it?

Yeah.

What were your thoughts?

I think it barely in White Lotus.

It sort of struggled a little bit.

Yeah.

Yeah.

But it's, yeah.

I don't know whose fault that was.

I don't know.

I didn't like it.

But just to make it sure, maybe I didn't get it.

I read a really good piece of analysis that was saying that like

a good rom-com is like people that are kind of like the stakes are there because they're older.

And you could actually see them not finding love because they're not like, you know, they're like art, they're artists or they're poor or they're like not like conventionally good looking.

When there's these two characters were like, obviously like movie star attractive, but they also were a lawyer and an accountant.

So everyone was like, it was kind of like the two most popular people in your school inevitably dating each other rather than like paying attention.

All the accountants I know are just like fighting off the pussy.

Do I talk like that?

Yeah, I don't know.

Um,

I uh love much ado about nothing.

So I think I'm also just jealous because I wish I was allowed to adapt much to do about nothing because I actually wanted to do that.

Me and my mom were gonna write that once.

And then why did you write it?

Well, I suppose it was artistic resistance.

And then look at us.

Much Ado About Nothing is Shakespeare.

And this was an adaptation of that.

Anyone but you?

Yeah.

Okay.

But even as someone who's like, that's my only Shakespeare I like, I really couldn't even tell that it was that.

Yeah.

Like, I didn't know it was until you just said it right now.

No one really knows it was that.

They didn't say that.

What is

10 Things I Hate About You is Taming of the Shrew.

Yeah.

She's the Man, is the Tempest.

Is the Tempest.

Yeah.

Clueless is Emma.

Clueless is Emma, right?

That's not Shakespeare, but yeah.

Yeah.

Emma.

Fuck you guys.

I'm just talking.

Has there been any other Much Ado About Nothing?

Well, there's been, there's Kenneth Brana did the actual Shakespeare, and then also Nathan Fillian did the actual Shakespeare with Josh Sweden.

Oh, oh, wow.

And that's actually why I didn't write it because they did that at the time, and I was like, oh.

You're like, it's so, it's done so well.

Yeah.

I don't know that.

Much of Do About Nothing.

Oh, did anyone do...

Hmm.

No.

I'm just trying to think of the Shakespeare I've read.

I don't think I read.

You didn't do Hamlet?

That's cool.

I didn't.

Hamlet is Lion King.

Yeah, that's true.

Yeah.

What's Othello?

There's no Othello.

Is there an Othello?

Good question.

I know there's a movie that was called Oh, and it was it.

Oh, yeah.

That was it.

I like Othello, but I had to pick.

I like Othello and King Lear, I thought, kind of.

Oh, King Lear is, you know, succession.

Much ado about, oh, what, Midsummer Night's Dream?

That one sucks.

That one sucks.

That's the one I did the most.

I think we did it twice in English and once in Drown.

I agree.

And they make you go see it all the time, too.

And it's like, I don't give a shit about this.

Yeah, but it's got to play within a play.

And oh, what fools these mortals be.

Playing within a play is bad.

It's a bad play within a play.

And then I don't care.

I don't play.

And then the other play is bad too.

What are we talking about here?

Do they get all the like people get kind of tricked into falling in love with watching this play over and over again?

Yeah.

What is the, is there, has there, is it too crazy to adapt into like modern day.

What is there to adapt?

There's no stories.

I'm not here to defend us.

Freaking, like, I also, I'm sorry.

I'm sorry to every

every non-binary person that's ever played Puck, but it's just the most annoying character I've ever seen.

And the kind of like, it's like theater people already kind of act like that, like an annoying little guy on stage.

So if you tell them the character is an annoying guy, boy, it's going to be, you're going to be really annoying.

What does Puck do?

I've never read it.

Well, he gets shot by a hockey stick.

Into the net, maybe, maybe not.

It's just like a.

I've never, again, this is one I don't think.

Yeah, he's a trickster.

Trickster.

What is,

oh,

what did we read in school?

We read Macbeth.

Don't say that in here.

We read

the

Merchant of Venice.

I don't know that one.

I kind of like that one, actually, too.

It's a pound of flesh.

Pound of flesh.

Okay.

Very anti-Semitic.

Yeah.

True.

Yeah.

Okay.

Yeah.

Yeah.

Shakespeare's cancelled.

Did Shylock?

Was that a character?

Yeah, that's the guy.

That's the guy.

Okay.

Yeah.

Anyway,

this has been Shakespeare's chat with

our friend and expert, Maddie Kelly.

Dave, usually you just say, I don't like Shakespeare.

I don't.

That was the most I've ever heard you talk about.

Oh, I love the adaptations, though.

I wanted to, I want to find like a different, a non-Shakespeare to adapt, but I don't even know where to start looking.

A crucible.

I might have to find like a...

Robin Hood.

Oh, Easy A was.

Robin Hood is awesome.

I love Robin Hood.

Yeah, where Robin Hood is.

That was one of my biggest crushes of my life is the Fox.

Fox, yeah, you and everyone from your generation and the generation before you.

What was it about?

Because yeah,

every gal I know said there was like an awakening when they saw that fox.

Well, firstly, the character of Robin Hood, of course, is my exact perfect guy.

You know what I mean?

Because he's stealing from the rich and giving to the poor.

That's awesome.

He's athletic in that way.

I also think

he's cool.

Yeah, he's funny and he's hot for sure.

Don't deny it.

But like, you know how a guy's always made hotter by like how hot his girl is?

Maid Marion, that girl fox, was so beautiful.

I can still imagine her brown eyes.

There's a very close-up shot where she blinks so slow, and she's, you really believe she's the prettiest girl in the whole world.

Of course.

Did you know that guys are made hotter by their girls?

No, but I get it now that you say it.

You know, like Davidson's the hottest guy ever.

Guys are anointed in their hotness.

Danny DeVito.

Oh, Rhea Perlman.

This, I gotta.

That's a power couple.

Somebody said.

Chris Evans wasn't hot until he dated Jenny Slate, and everyone was like, oh, he must be funny and cool.

That's true.

Yeah.

And I think probably a lot of of we knew he was funny and cool from not another teen movie.

Thank you very much.

Um, I forgot what I was going to say.

Uh,

Dave, what's going on with you, my friend?

Well, I'm interrupting left and right, and everyone's forgetting what they're going to say.

Um, today

is a big day.

Well, it's very snowy in Vancouver.

Yep, uh, very pretty, still, it's very pretty.

We got we had one big day of snow and then just two weeks of cold.

Yeah, what I will say:

two big things about the snow: everyone who left their Christmas lights up until mid-February,

they

played the long game.

Yes, and it's so cool.

They're so pretty at night.

And there's somebody like a block or two away that has a light-up bunny.

So that's like it gets the best of both worlds, right?

You got your Easter, you got your Christmas, you got a cute little light on the snow.

It's just as good as it gets.

Or D chess.

It was raining all December.

No way you're not getting your houses aren't going to be pretty in the rain.

Oh, they they

bought low and they're selling high.

Yeah, they take a walk out in it just to just to see, just to get that crisp night air, you know?

The other thing is, hey, joggers, take the week off.

There's not room enough on the sidewalk for you to run past me.

Also, if you don't have to drive anywhere, don't.

Like if you're going on the side streets, like main streets, no problems.

Side streets,

ice fantastic.

Yeah, we haven't locked ice.

We haven't ordered any pizza because I don't want people i don't even want delivery people driving in the well that's nice uh although last night i was like oh i i was making something for abby and me for dinner uh and i knew the kids wouldn't like it and i was like oh you know what i'll order pizza i open up my dominoes app oh i oh yeah it's the super bowl today i'm not ordering

yeah i went somewhere last night to do a show and it was just like the minute the super bowl had finished so what i thought was going to be a nine dollar run turned into a thirty dollar right totally yeah what can i do what can i do

poor gatorade on the uber driver yeah i had a little jug um so here's my thing i teased at the beginning my yeah um

so there's a uh obviously

i would never do this to an actual service employee a service worker um

but uh In Vancouver, and I'm sure all over the world, if you get a parking ticket, if you get a parking ticket on the street from the city, it's like $40.

You have to pay it.

They won't let you renew your driver's license if you don't.

If you get a ticket in a private lot from M Park, Easy Park, Diamond Royal City Parking or whatever,

they're like $150.

Shit.

And

they will come after you with...

their collections agency.

Oh, shit.

But none of it's legitimate.

They have no right to do it.

do OAC because it's not city-owned.

Yeah, it's and if you don't pay it, it's fine.

Right.

They can't legally affect your credit.

Their collections agencies are owned by them.

Oh, oh, oh.

So it's all affront.

It's like a mob.

Yeah.

And so they will harass you.

I had one a few years ago where I parked at Wendy's.

And then I walked across the street to get something.

And then I went to Wendy's.

And they gave me a parking ticket for leaving the parking lot.

Yeah, because

they give you a ticket for like free parking lots, like the Whole Foods parking lot.

We just forgot to validate, but it's like, it's still free parking either way.

And they'll ticket you for, even though we were in Whole Foods only.

So there's somebody keeping an eye on the whole thing.

Close eye.

And if they tow you, then you're fucked because they have your car.

And they're allowed to do that because it's a private parking lot.

But if they just give you a ticket,

it's like cheaper to change your license plate than to pay the ticket.

Really?

And that's like, it's $50 to change your license plate and $150 for the ticket.

Nice.

So I got

something in the mail today

from this, from

Diamond Parking or whatever.

And I

was like, oh, it was

the address they said I was at.

I didn't recognize it.

They didn't even tell me what city the address was in.

I looked it up.

It was in Richmond.

I was not in Richmond.

I didn't think I was in Richmond on New Year's Eve at 6 p.m.

But I was like, I can't know for sure.

I think, you know, well, Abby's parents came in and we picked them up at the airport, but I didn't pick them up.

So it wasn't my car.

And then,

so I like couldn't figure out.

I was trying to go through my phone and like my pictures from that day.

Did I, I was like, okay, I took a picture at 4 p.m.

of my dogs at home.

So could I have been in Richmond?

There's some detective work.

Yeah.

And then on the actual

letter they sent me, there was a QR code.

And I clicked on that and it had like the pictures of me of my car

in the parking lot.

They took pictures of the car when they ticketed me.

And I clicked on it and it was not my car.

Oh, shit.

They got the wrong license plate.

Like they were one digit off.

Right.

And so that they looked you up?

Or how do they find you?

They, well, like,

they have access for some reason to everyone's insurance.

So they can go after you even if it's not legitimate.

Really?

And

I think I could get some people's insurance.

I don't know how it works.

I'm interested in working my way up the mob.

And so I was like, when I saw that, I was like, you fuckers.

They have a button that you can click and dispute your thing.

Nice.

And I was like, well, I'll just dispute this because they are legitimately completely wrong.

What's the dispute?

Like, they're not taking you to court.

Or are they?

Are they trying to take, do they take you to court?

No.

They have no way of doing that.

It's all bullshit.

There's no, they made up this number I have to pay.

Right.

No one's enforcing it.

And they can tell you.

They can tow you.

That's why if you change your license plate, they won't know who you are.

Right.

So

I'm way too deep in this.

Oh, shit.

Oh, shit.

This is awesome.

So I like filled out the dispute and it was like, what reason you're disputing?

And it was like a drop down menu or other.

And I wrote other.

And then I, under comments, I wrote, the photo you included is a different license plate, you stupid idiots.

Yes.

Your whole company sucks shit.

You provide no value to society.

Drop dead.

Awesome.

Wow.

Be right back.

No,

I mean,

maybe they'll say, hmm, upon consideration.

Oh, and then I also had to click.

I agree to the terms and conditions.

Well, nice.

It's like

because it's, you know, I'm not mad at anyone providing a service or like I'm not mad that I'm like paying for something and I didn't get what I wanted.

It's just some gentleman trying to bully me.

Literally.

But why can't they take you?

It wasn't even you.

Yeah, it wasn't even you, which is insane.

That's insane.

And I'm glad that you fought it.

Because,

yeah.

I would have been like, I guess I was in Richmond that day.

Gaslighting.

Gaslighting.

But

you took on the mob.

Oh, I do need to change my license plate now for sure.

I also have a ticket at like every local.

Would you get a vanity plate?

Oh, should I?

Yeah.

I mean, yes.

Absolutely.

It is a weird thing to go up to like the insurance place and be like, I need a new license plate.

Why?

Because I'm cheap.

It only costs $150 to change the.

It costs $50 to change your license plate.

Oh, shit.

Oh, how much for vanity?

I wonder.

Maybe it's $100?

I think it's like $20 extra dollars a year.

Shit.

Say that someone's been intimidating you.

Don't go into who.

Yeah, okay.

Yeah.

Yeah.

What's uh and I'm very scared of the intimidation.

Do you claim asylum?

Yes.

Yeah, exactly.

What would you get if you got a vanity plate?

That's a good one.

I mean, SpyPod 1 is right there.

Three and three, right?

Or can you get an

up to seven?

Up to seven.

Okay.

My brother and I were driving.

Maddie has yawned so many times since her segment has ended.

My brother and I were driving the other day and we saw a license plate that wasn't vanity.

It was just like luck of the draw.

And it was 333EEE.

Oh, that's awesome.

Ruled.

Would you just be something like that?

Repetitious.

Like, maybe you couldn't get like 222,

but maybe.

Yeah, if I could get like seven Fs.

Yeah, for fuck's sake.

How about you?

I don't know.

It would be something really stupid, like YVR slut or something like that.

Oh, yeah.

Which

would work.

That's enough letters.

Yeah.

I think I would go with numbers.

69, 69, 420, 69.

It's hard because they won't let you do anything nasty.

Right.

And also because our Facebook group is just people posting vanity plates.

So now it'll just be people being like, I think this one's Dave.

Oh, yeah.

Spot him in the wild.

Pooh Man.

Like, well, there's nothing wrong with that.

I work in waste services.

I'm Pooh Man.

Yeah.

I guess numbers are fun.

But yeah, I guess I would get a word.

Jeez.

I even, I have one tattoo and it's a number.

Yeah?

It's a number.

I get to.

Okay.

No, I can't refer to a two.

Just a two.

Just a two.

Okay.

That could mean anything.

Where do you have this tattoo?

On my ankle.

Ankle.

Is that your only tattoo?

Yeah.

Okay.

Will you get another one someday?

I think I'm going to get another one in my armpit.

Yeah.

I don't know because I want to get my friend Sophia who used to live with, but we don't know what we're going to get yet.

Well, you write surprise.

Surprise.

Surprise is not bad.

Yeah.

Surprise.

Surprise.

Yeah.

Yeah.

You'll be pit pals.

It's not really my armpit.

It's like under my armpit.

Yeah, you can get it.

You know what I mean?

Not like in my armpit.

Oh, I would get probably, yeah, like a poem on my ribs.

Picture of a baby on the other side.

Giant and a flag.

Giant and a flag.

You know, stylized barbed wire,

Celtic cross.

I think barbed wire would look really, I'm not joking.

I think it would look really cool on me.

I think it would.

I think it would look awesome.

Just around your contrast.

Ever heard of it?

I have.

Absolutely.

Not to be a guy in a bar, but hey, what's that two?

Why you got that two there?

So if I don't like you, okay, I'll say just my favorite number.

Right.

And if I do like you, and this is, you know, if you've talked to me, maybe you can figure out who.

Not that I don't like you, but I don't want to, I don't want to tell you stuff about me.

You know what I mean?

Yeah.

But if I do like you, I'll be like, it's actually because me and my best friend are both named Maddie.

Oh.

She wrote it, like my best friend since I was 14.

And she wrote it on.

And then I got it on Gun Dawn on my birthday.

That's nice.

Yeah.

But she doesn't want a tattoo.

So she considers you number two.

You're in the second.

No, it's Maddie Squared.

Oh, that's fun.

You at least always call us that.

When the guy in the subway station asked for your number, you should have been like, two.

I'll tell you.

Remember, yeah, I'll give you one number at a time.

One time, this is so romantic, actually.

One time, someone said, what's your phone number?

And I said,

give me your phone.

And he said, no, I'll just remember it.

And I said, okay, because he was driving me home.

Because he was a waiter.

Yeah.

And I said, 69.

I said my phone number 420.

Right.

He goes, got it.

I didn't repeat it or anything.

I go inside, text.

Wow.

That's a good move.

I always thought that in movies where they're like, here's the address you got to be at in one hour.

And they say the address and be like,

I don't, I forget it immediately.

Was it Oak Street or Pine Street?

What did he say it was on?

What, um,

uh, do you still have a

LA phone number, Vancouver, New York?

Vancouver.

Okay.

Isn't that crazy?

Got to get that fixed.

Oh, way overpaying.

And my service is bad.

Yeah.

I'm just emotionally attached to this phone number.

Sure.

Is it a 778 or a 604?

604.

Oh, 604.

Yeah.

You want to add up to that?

Yeah.

Do you have a 604?

I got a 604.

Me too, bud.

Yeah.

Rules, 604 rules, 778.

That's the only good phone number I have.

Eventually, they'll add a third, and then people will be like, 778,

that was the one to have.

I'm wondering if I have 778 is just not it.

It's just not it.

It's ugly.

Yeah.

It's uh 778.

Did you remember?

Do you remember a time at all that you didn't have to use area?

Yes, I do.

Yeah, me too.

Yeah, me too.

My phone number is 604.

Probably.

Hopefully, Pet.

Graham, what's going on with you?

I'm not

a huge sports guy, but I am.

I like wrestling.

And the pro wrestling, I guess, doesn't really fall under the heading of sports.

But like yesterday.

It's entertainment.

Yeah, exactly.

We're all friends.

And yesterday was Super Bowl.

And like people have parties for Super Bowl.

I know.

I didn't realize

yesterday.

But

I've never been to a Super Bowl party, but the week before, I got invited to a Royal Rumble party.

Oh.

Which was the same kind of flavor, like lots of snacks and having some beers with the old people.

Is Royal Rumble on TV or is it pay-per-view?

It's on Netflix now.

Okay.

Yeah, so you can get it.

You can get it and watch it whenever you want if you want to.

Oh, I can.

Yeah, weird.

They're doing live TV, but can I go back and watch the eight hours of Jake Paul and Mike Tyson?

You can.

I know there's like a whole documentary they put out before, and yeah, you can go watch the fight.

I was surprised that the Super Bowl wasn't on Netflix or streaming service.

It was still back on old.

It's the only thing they have.

Yeah.

That's why people still have cable.

Right.

Or YouTube premium you can get for the Super Bowl.

Netflix did two

football games on Christmas Day.

And Beyonce did the halftime show.

What I know.

Right.

Right.

And then I wonder.

I did.

No one told me there was football.

I just thought she did a halftime show on Christmas for fun.

Christmas is half over.

I thought she kind of was just doing her own.

Imagine if this was a halftime show.

I didn't realize that there were football was even played.

Yeah.

That shows you my echo chamber.

Yeah.

Do you like a sport?

Do you watch a sport?

Yeah.

I like

all sports live, actually.

Not all.

I hate hockey, but I like, but I go to baseball and basketball very often, actually.

Yeah.

But

now I have my Green Bay Packers jacket you guys saw.

Yeah.

So this sort of causes people to tell me a lot about them.

Sure.

So I actually know, I've been knowing more about football because of what are are some facts about them.

They are owned by the town, not an owner.

So the money is for the town.

Okay, you guys already know all the facts I'm going to know about them.

And they are named after the meatpackers.

That's why they're named after that.

I also...

Yeah, I didn't know that.

There you go.

A racist Italian woman the other day told me that there used to be a tradition where they all had to go ride their, they all lost.

It seemed, it, long story short, it seemed like you had to lose your virginity to one of the players if you lived in that town.

Oh, okay.

I can't wait to find out what made her racist.

Oh, I said, she said, are you Italian?

I said, no, I'm Indian.

And she went, oh.

Next.

Yeah.

Give me your phone number.

Everyone thinks that I am what they are.

Yeah.

No matter what.

Yeah.

She's from the country with New Delhi and her name is Maddie Kelly.

There you go.

Ironically, Indian people, because I do, I go on freaking the internet.

I say, I'm Indian.

We're talking hundreds of hundreds and hundreds of comments.

You are not Indian.

Okay.

No, you fuck me, I guess.

You're right.

I'm not.

Good job.

What the hell?

Yeah, what the hell, man?

That's so weird.

I am.

Yeah, you are.

I just am.

Yeah.

I even say I'm half.

Like, the joke is about, here's the, here's the thing, a phenomenon I've noticed, okay?

Okay.

People, when women get, you know, we all get our negatives.

They also won the first Super Bowl.

They did?

With Vince Lombardi was their coach.

They really wanted to do that.

Yeah, really?

Oh, wow.

Mark Starr was the quarterback.

Graham, do you have a

creator's fact?

They're like the most die-hard fans in the whole thing.

Yeah.

Cheese heads.

Cheese heads.

She said the racist Italian set lady said that at the time the town was 95,000 people and the stadium fit 95,000 people.

Oh, okay.

And it would be full.

So everybody had to go vacuum.

You can't move here.

Don't move here.

We got the exact right stadium.

Don't move here, especially if you're not Italian.

Like Vince Lombardi.

I cut off someone with a fact okay so my my treatise is that you know how women get they get negative

comments on their stand-up comments

what nonsense is this new yeah yeah yeah okay all the kids are talking about it so I got I got all my negative comments on my I got all my video

comments in grade what's the

Bruce McCullough I did all my ass in grade nah yeah yeah I got all my negative comments saying that I'm not Indian and that the my bit was about the bit that they all were commenting that was a bit about how I don't feel Indian enough.

And Danica got

so many negative comments for left the country.

She got so many negative comments on a joke where she said that she's not, she's not confident.

She's just loud.

And then all the comments were like, how dare you take up space like this?

You know what I mean?

It's like, you're so loud.

And she's like, I'm.

I don't know.

That's why I already said it.

I'm joking about it.

Yeah.

Oh, my God.

It's so weird.

Yeah.

It's always the thing that you're telling everyone you're self-conscious about.

It's really weird.

Yeah.

You should do jokes about what you're self-conscious about.

My penis is too big.

It flops around everywhere.

It's hard to go swimming because it's

literally.

I saw this guy at the pool.

He ruined it for everyone.

Plague of Milton Burrell.

But that is.

Did you see the Saturday Night Live movie?

No.

That's good.

Milton Burrell's in it.

J.K.

Simmons plays Milton Burrell.

I know two people

who remain nameless that auditioned for that movie and really should have been in it because they're really funny.

So then I didn't watch the movie because I was like, I don't really like people from London.

You know what I mean?

I'm like, I don't want like hot British actors.

I want real comedians who are funny.

My one friend is literally like modern Gilden Radner.

Like, she's perfect.

Yeah.

And she auditioned.

She got like four callbacks and didn't get it.

Shit.

And she really should have.

In my opinion.

Past guests.

No shade to the person who got it.

I didn't see the film.

Maybe you'd have to do it.

Big shade.

That's huge shade you just threw there.

But is it a funny movie?

No.

No.

well but you know what i loved it

and it's say you said like the same actor plays jim henson and andy kaufman yeah and katie allen was like katie allen humphreys past guest was like it's not a play you could have gotten another actor to play

a lot of annoying things but i just loved it

it's not accurate it's

not funny it's not supposed to be funny but it's it's a romp is it a romp not really it's just a it's a vibes i like romps only yeah brutalist such a a romp.

No, it's not.

It's not.

Serious.

Graham, we cut you off.

Yes.

I was at the Royal Rumble, and I only stayed for, they do women's and a men's.

Oh.

And I only stayed for the women's after they had to go.

But I also proclaimed that I don't recognize men's wrestling.

I don't think they have any business wrestling.

Awesome.

And here's the thing.

If you never have heard of the Royal Rumble before,

one person is added every couple of minutes until the ring of the.

So in the women's, you get a little bit of moniker.

You get a little bit of a

like one person will be in the room, then they'll have two, and then you have to throw them out over the rope, and they have to touch the ground, and that means they're out.

If they touch the ground with both feet, they're out.

Okay, and

everyone dead, or just the guy who's in the bottom of the bus?

Just the one guy.

So, we're trying to, we get a lot of people in there.

We're trying to get a lot of people out of this.

Yes, yeah, only one person survives.

Yeah, it's sort of a survivor series.

They did a thing where it was like you put in money and you got two different numbers.

Who did a thing?

There's Kyle Fiance, pastor.

Okay.

The people at the party.

Yeah.

They did a thing where you would pick

a number.

Well, not you would draw it out of a hat.

I picked mine and it was number two.

And I was like, that's never, the number two is never going to.

It's Maddie Squared.

That is your favorite number.

Yeah.

Maddie Squared.

Maddie Squared.

But two is not good because then they've got to stay in there through

everybody.

And

my gal, second second last oh yeah do you win any money for coming second i don't know you got a tri you got a free um slot in wrestlemania okay yeah

that's what they're competing for no no no do you as as a like were you gambling yes yeah do you get any money for coming in second no oh oh shoot no

free slot in wrestlemania apparently

um do women wrestlers Because when I was watching wrestling from 1988 to 1991,

There were no women wrestlers.

It was not part of it.

It was sensational cherry.

Sure, but there was, yeah, Luna Vachon.

Luna Vachon.

But they were mostly

eye candy.

Yeah.

Whoa.

Not Luna Vachon.

So scary.

So scary.

They were, but they would be like the manager.

They'd be shouting from the ringside, but not wrestling themselves.

But all the men,

all the male wrestlers were like Hulk Hogan, Macho Man, Ultimate Warrior.

They all had nicknames.

I noticed a lot of male wrestlers now are just their name.

Same with the women.

So

are there any personalities that are like, I'm dynamite woman?

Well, the one who

was famous for being Ric Flair's daughter.

So

she's like a big deal, McNeil.

Flair Jr.

Yeah.

But she uses her name.

She uses her name.

No one uses like.

She doesn't use Flair.

She's just called Stephanie.

I think.

Okay.

But the thing about her, the men when they enter, generally they just enter with what they're going to wear in the ring.

But the women, when they enter, they have like a fantastic costume that then they take off to run in.

And it's like the pageantry, magnificent.

You like the women's better now?

I do.

You like women's better than, say, the pageantry of the penis.

Yes, I can go on a record or something.

So what about the puppetry of the penis?

How do you feel about that?

How do I feel about it?

Right.

What's your favorite one?

Half-eaten hot dog.

I like Eiffel Tower.

Oh, nice.

I don't know these ones.

Saying it, it was as far as I could go.

That's all I could.

That's the thing.

You would do terrible on the SATs.

Identify this, puppetry of the penis.

Bose.

So, anyways, enjoyed the hell out of it.

I can't say enough good things about the women's wrestling.

I'm in.

I'm all in on women's wrestling.

Terrific.

Yeah.

And yep.

Stephanie, she wanted her ticket to the WrestleMania.

She's going to go.

try and get that title.

And she's Ric Flair's daughter.

Yeah.

Cool.

She rules.

Nepo Baby.

How much did you guys talk about

Zach Efron movie?

Oh, Iron Claw?

Yeah.

Yes.

Do you like it?

I loved it.

Yeah.

Sad.

Oh, horrible.

Well, of course.

It's just such a sad story they had to leave out some of it because they couldn't even bum you out that much, you know?

Unlike the Brutalists, they included every sad detail.

And the shots went on and on.

Do you guys want to move on to some overheard?

Oh, no.

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Get it?

Overheard.

Overheard.

Segment on the show where if you haven't heard the show before, we like hearing what people got to say that they heard out there on the street.

we always like to start with a guest maddie do you have an overheard yes i do

okay so i was in a little grocery store called mr mango in fork green okay shout the out i love mr mango and if you know you know you know and i'm in there and there's like these boys like these teeth like little boys like 12 maybe or 11 like And they were in like a pack, you know?

And I was like, oh, I remember being in a pack in a grocery store.

Yeah.

And then then one kid said he was explaining Celsius the energy drink to his friend and he said it like makes you shake but you like it

and then as they were leaving they were all explaining the plot of the notebook to each other

I know

kids are all right the kids are all right that's it what's that an adaptation of The Kids Are All Right?

No, the notebook.

I don't know.

Oh, gee.

Well, Nicholas Park's novel.

I know.

it's gonna be funny, though.

Let's let's say it's oh, yeah,

SpongeBob SquarePants.

I thought I sometimes I'd just say the truth.

I know.

And sometimes I just, it's accurate.

Fair.

Yeah.

You know what?

You know what?

You can't handle this.

Jokes.

That's why I'm going to be a reporter.

What?

Do this.

Yeah.

Do the speech from the notebook.

I can't.

I can only watch the movie two times.

Okay, I'll do it.

Okay.

I'm Ryan Gosling.

It's raining.

And I wrote you every day.

You married James Marsden.

and now I'm James Garner

And you're you know that old lady and we're dying together I heard a good take the other day which is that movies like that groom women to rooting for the underdog and they should actually get the best husband for them and

the overdog the top dog.

Yeah top dog

sports

groom men into rooting for the underdog

because it's so much better.

Dave, do you have an overheard?

No.

Oh shit.

I haven't overdreamt.

This is a dream I had.

Normally, I have very boring dreams.

This one is kind of interesting.

Oh, yeah.

Well, not my usual boring dream.

But I have to come up with an overheard every week.

Sometimes they're just not there.

So here's a dream I had.

Yep.

I was with my family at a Chinese buffet.

I only knew there wasn't much Chinese food there.

I just know what restaurant it was.

Right.

It's an existing Chinese restaurant.

I've never been to.

I know the one you were thinking about because you pointed.

Oh,

no, it's over there.

Never mind.

Which one do you think it was?

The duck one that no one's ever been to, but everyone wants to go to.

The duck one.

The duck one.

The famous one.

It's right there on 12th and Canby.

Oh, yeah.

My

brother-in-law went there.

And

I'm kind of intimidated by it.

I am too.

Because I'm like, what?

It's a 4D or 5D Chinese food experience.

Oh, that one.

And it's got a Michelin star.

And I was like, I don't, the menu looks too complicated.

What would I get?

And he went and he sat down, and the waiter said, Do you want the duck?

And so I was like, Oh, yeah.

Well, then if I go, I'll just get the duck.

Yeah, haven't gone though.

It was a place up on by the Skytrain station on King Edward and Cambie.

Oh, yeah, okay.

Never been myself, and I, but in my dream, I was there, and it was a buffet.

Nice, and they had like oysters on the half-shell.

I didn't mean to sing it.

But the most weirdest thing they had was rhino meat.

What?

Oh.

At the buffet.

What the hell?

But it wasn't just rhino meat.

It was like a rhino rice stir-fry

served in a rhino leg.

Really?

Oh my God.

Like, not in like a plastic rhino leg?

No, no, a real rhino leg.

Jesus.

And hollowed out and served rhino.

This is in my dream.

So you're like, Graham, are you remembering?

Are you doing your bit where you forgot?

Yeah, I forgot it was real.

It was a dream.

Yeah, I forgot it was a dream.

Yeah.

But it was just the four of us from my family.

And I was like, this food is so great.

I'm going to tell everyone about this place.

And we sit down and we eat.

And I'm loving this rhino rice.

Rhino meat and rice served in a rhino leg.

And they,

and by the time I'm done, the restaurant is packed.

And I felt really stupid because I was like, I need to get the word out about this place.

Turns out we just got there early.

In the dream.

Yeah.

But in the dream, I felt stupid.

I was like, like if I went to a Taylor Swift sound check, why is no one here?

This is like this rules.

My overheard comes up.

Oh, okay.

I went to see some jazz.

I went to see some jazz.

I went to some lines of jazz.

What was it?

It's called the Odd Fellows Hall.

Terrific.

Yeah.

And it was fun.

Where's that?

It's on right near Granville and the kind of the Granville Bridge, like that.

Where yeah?

What side of the bridge?

The downtown.

South side.

Okay.

It's like an old, it's been there forever, like a Shriners

thing kind of whatever.

And I went to go see Jazz and there's they're bringing up people all the time.

This guy comes.

Now you're overheard can't be the notes they didn't pull.

Yeah, it was.

It was fun.

And then like they were calling people out from the audience.

Like, this is a guy comes up with his guitar and does a little noodling.

And one of the guys that they focused on, they were like, come on, stand up, Ted, stand up.

And he's like, come on up here and play.

And he says really loudly, I can't.

I've got lemon tart on my hands.

Can I tell a story about jazz?

Yes.

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Okay, so one time, me and my boyfriend, my ex-boyfriend, loved my life.

One of the loves of your life.

Anyway,

we went to jazz and I thought the jazz was pretty good, you know?

Yeah.

There's a no-talking jazz.

Okay.

So I was just sitting there.

Yeah.

I was a freaking kite, loving it.

I'm sober, but I'm high on it.

Yeah.

Well.

And then I look, and there's a guy, and I said, at the intermission, I said, how is it?

You seem to know

what it is.

You know, he goes, this is terrible.

I'm like, really?

He's like, this is trash.

I'm like, oh, this is hilarious.

You know, I'm having a gay old time.

And then the.

Are you sure this wasn't the brutalist intermission?

Sure, this wasn't a dream?

Was there Rhino being ordered anybody?

No, no, no, this is all real so then this woman comes they go oh we want to invite a vocalist up like she's a local vancouver vocalist and we're gonna have her up and she's so good we love her we're so excited to have her she gets up on stage and she's like bring a beautiful long dress and she's like i'm gonna tell i'm gonna do a i'm gonna do a song about like our time in quarantine in the pandemic i go this should be good you know

but i'm still excited to hear some words you know what i mean up to this point no one has said any words she gets up on stage they're doing their jazz and she's like starts singing and it's like quarantine,

house has never been so clean

because of COVID-19.

You're singing it with like a Jamaican accent.

And it goes on and on like that.

And it's like, bacon bread.

Remember, quarantine.

Like, it's so bad.

And then I was like, wow, it took there being lyrics for me to realize this is, he was right.

This is obviously terrible.

These people think she's a good singer and this is a good song.

She rhymes quarantine with covid 19

as sharp as it gets yeah this was in 2023 you know what i mean it wasn't like it was shit time

houses got so clean why don't we write a new song you know yeah anyway that's that's what i saw there that time um pretty funny where where you saw jazz was it mostly old people because it was 100 old people at the one i went to um

No, it was kind of mixed, actually.

I was the youngest.

And I wasn't wearing a bra, so I was kind of bringing a certain flair to the evening as well.

I'm going to go jazz in New York.

There's some bras you you don't wear what i'm gonna go jazz in new york i'm very excited i actually just i actually just texted someone yesterday that can we go do that and they said yes yeah but it's like one of the i find it i need oh you should go see woody allen's band does he have one he plays like

deli that he plays at i don't know michael's is it michael's deli i don't know i need to i think i'm going to do these things spontaneously but i actually am just a planner i should put i should buy tickets to something Right.

I need to buy more tickets.

That's my 2025 goal.

I need to buy tickets to something once a month.

So that you because I'm such a beta about concerts.

I've never picked the concert.

I've never been to a concert that I've picked in my life.

I always go with someone else.

That's why I've seen

all this crap I don't like.

That's why Chris Isaac was my first concert.

You know, I like Chris Isaac.

But you know what I mean?

It's not like my, that wasn't my idea.

I mean,

you may be a beta, but Chris Isaac is supposed to go see

smooched.

Yeah.

Yeah.

Woohoo!

Camera Diaz.

Camera Diaz.

That was embarrassing.

What?

I had that MTV award.

Yeah, that sucked.

Yeah.

Yeah, but didn't he like almost smooch in that Wicked Game video?

Wasn't he hot and heavy with

Segovia or someone?

Right.

Belinda Carlisle.

Yeah, and they were all Sandy together.

Yeah.

Oh, Belinda Carlisle.

Not Belinda.

So I actually bought tickets one time to go see Kid Cuddy, and then he canceled the concert twice.

Shit.

And so then I just got refunded.

So that was the only time I've ever picked the concert.

Maybe you're first.

Who would you pick?

Have you heard of anybody that's coming up that you could?

I almost went.

I would like to go see Chief Keefe, actually.

I was going to go see him and then I moved out of L.A.

I just never go to the actual genres of music I listen to.

You know what I mean?

You should.

I know.

Oh, you're in New York.

Go see

live with Kelly and Mark, and they'll have a musical guest, and that's all you need.

That'll be perfect.

That'll be fun.

Well, I wish you nothing but good luck in your travels and finding.

I think, oh, yeah.

Even last year I went to Strong Boy.

Graham, do we have any overheards that are written in?

Yes, we do.

I'm going to talk.

Although,

I didn't send the email to myself, so I just have to look up.

And then, guess what?

Strong Boy, main singer, Alice Phoebe Lou.

Who knew?

You know, not me.

I love the old Alice Phoebe Lou.

So sometimes I go by accident to someone I like.

You know what song I like?

COVID-19.

COVID-19.

Quarantine.

Clothes are so clean.

Making bread with my head.

We also have overheards that have been written in by people all over the map.

If you want to send one in, send it into spy at maximumfund.org.

This first one comes from Gabriel V.

I'm a manager at a public library.

It was quiet this afternoon, but a mom and a little girl, around four years old, were hanging out in the children's area.

The little girl walked maybe five feet out of the children's section, lost sight of her mom for just a couple seconds, and started crying and running back to find her mom.

Her mom asked

what was wrong with her and she just screamed, I was lost.

Yeah.

Isn't that, have you, did when you were kids, do you ever get lost?

Yeah.

Yeah.

Where do you, where do you end up?

I remember being in like a

London drugs or something, some store, and then being separated from my dad and then seeing him in another, in, like, going to another aisle, spotting him, running towards him, and then just hugging the first person I saw.

Like, so what I hugged a stranger's corduroy pants.

Yeah.

I got lost once in just like near the playground near my house, but I didn't have any sense of where my house was.

And so I remember at one point just sitting down on a lawn and eating grass because I was like, this is what you got to do from now on.

You might as well get a taste card.

That's so funny.

Just like, as soon as you will.

Yeah.

Just somebody looking out their window and just seeing this kid just eating grass.

Like, it's a freak.

I wasn't so much getting lost as I was hiding.

Oh, sure.

Was your height, like, did you have a break?

I remember very, my mom tells a story too.

I remember a very distinct experience of like just kind of going in one of like the rounds of a clothing rack.

That's what I was just gonna say.

And then my mom, like, by the time, like, I think in my head, like, 10 seconds had gone by, and my mom, like, pulling apart, realizing it was me.

And like, she was on the verge of tears.

Like, she thought I was gone.

Oh, yeah.

You are

kidnappable.

Yeah.

To the extreme.

To this day.

I had that happen once.

I think we were on vacation and then we were in some department store and I lost my family and they had to, I like went up to an employee and they made an announcement and my family really gave me shit for a laugh.

Departments are so like, Danica once called me in tears.

Couldn't find the exit to the bay.

Like could not get out of there.

Do you and your friends just have some kind of like whatever the swans, swallows of Capistrano don't

what

kim's like they are i don't know they're able to find their way back same place every year um yeah also salmon right they go back to their birthplace and yeah lay a bunch of

yeah spawn um this next book comes from will in vancouver at work talking about the vancouver canucks your favorite i love them and the recent Thatcher Demco show shout out on the Colorado Avalanche.

Do you know what that means?

Shout out.

A shout out.

Yeah.

He didn't shout out the team.

That's why I was like, why does that matter?

They didn't shout out the team.

I was injured for a while and then he came back and he's been finding his form and then he shut out the Colorado Avalanche.

Now he's injured again.

Is he Higoli?

Yeah.

Higoli.

The man I work with was talking about his granddad who had recently died at the ripe old age of 92.

And apparently he was a season ticket holder in the 70s and 80s.

And apparently this old man, shortly before passing, discussing the land round last round of playoffs where the Canucks lost to the Oilers, said to his grandson, I knew I'd die first.

Yep.

Oh, 100%.

Yeah.

Do you think you'll see in your lifetime, you'll see a Stanley Cup here, right?

No.

I hope so, but I'm not

banking on it.

I don't connect with the Canucks.

We don't need you.

I like,

I don't like hockey as much, but when the Leafs, when everyone's so excited about that, when I, we were at the Hall of Fox Comedy Festival, everyone's freaking out i mean i they're bigger underdog right the leafs no they're bigger no guy no better than the canucks uh who's better canucks are the biggest underdog of all time really

i don't like them canucks are the unluckiest franchise in hockey ever i mean maybe buffalo the same

year joined the league the same year and has never won

you never won never won a stanley cup the leaves have won a stanley cup why did the stanley why do i have a picture of me at the stanley cup as a child

Never won.

I'm serious.

Never even had a first overall pick.

Just never bad enough to have a

league-altering player.

Never good enough to win the cup.

It's a hard lot for us.

Luongo.

Yeah, Luongo was great.

Didn't win us a cup, though.

What do they need?

Do they need offense, defense?

Goalie Salt.

A month ago, they needed defense.

Now they're back to needing offense.

Fucking Jesus.

Shoot.

Have you been to a game this year?

No.

Oh, I went to one in Seattle.

Oh, yeah.

And they won.

Seattle won?

No, Vancouver won.

Yes.

Best team ever

going to win the cup this year.

It's a roller coaster, man.

Sorry, I can't seem to find the third.

Sorry, I was getting mad when Maddie was saying it.

Everyone was cheering for the Leafs, so she was going to cheer for them.

Oh, I just thought it was like more fun.

I don't know.

Fuck them.

I have to go without the third one here.

You what?

I can't find the puck.

I can't see it.

It's your least favorite character

in Midsummer Night's Dream.

Yeah, I really don't like that.

I like the magistrate.

What's the magistrate?

There's usually a magistrate

in some sort of

Sherlock Holmes player or whatever.

William Shakespeare.

Do you have your third?

I don't have my third.

I lost it.

Oh.

Yeah, but then you know what?

I'll tell another couple stories about going to jazz.

Okay.

Okay.

Tell us about it.

I don't have any more.

Oh, you thought we would.

No, don't.

Because you guys thought that was boring last time.

Win.

I thought even

cleaning her house, COVID-19.

There's no love in her real life.

Yeah.

I mean, there's nothing I...

I love love.

Yeah.

I love love.

Did he wear a fedora for going to jazz?

That would have been cool.

That would have been cool.

I didn't wear a bra.

He could have...

The least he could have done is wear a fedora did he wear your bra you guys do a bra swap actually one time he did wear my bra and we thought that was so funny you have the same size ribs and i said you're gonna stretch it out and he said because i have bigger tits than you i can see why this guy was the love of your life yeah do we know this guy maybe okay you know

i know oh my you guys love acts boyfriends on the show that's what i've noticed We've had two, I think.

Yeah.

Well, I've only got three.

So unless you want Patrick Meekle from my high school

to come on the show.

show, who is the love of your life?

Um,

he's so cool, works for General Electric now.

Got married.

Do you ever see him in two out of three?

You're married in 30 Rock.

Oh, he doesn't work at that one.

He works in Detroit.

Isn't that crazy?

It's even crazier.

Okay, let's do some in addition to overheards.

I also dated someone else.

No, I'm just kidding.

I also dated your most popular guest.

In addition to overheards that are written, and we also accept your phone calls.

If you want to call us, our phone number is 1-844-779-7631.

That's one

SpyPod 1, which will be my vanity page.

Yeah, you're going to be able to find it no matter where you go.

Like these people have.

Hi, David Graham, and my favorite guest, possibly, is Julia in the Bay Area.

And

I went to a place in a fashion district to get fabric in San Francisco and

we're in the store with all these fashion type students and someone who's getting fabric cut

is talking to the cashier person

and the customer is saying

I just don't know how I know her she's I'm trying to figure out why she's so familiar.

And the cashier says,

maybe she held you you as a baby.

And I can't stop thinking about.

That's the craziest thing.

Those are like the first thing you jump to.

Maybe she held you as a baby.

Yeah, because I don't remember anything about that.

That is always such a dead end conversationally when someone, like someone from your family or whatever, will be like, I met you in your three.

And you have to go, well, isn't that nice?

Yeah.

So

now what?

You know, I needed like a line for that.

Now that I'm older.

I'm not a lot bigger than then.

You know, something like that.

Now that I'm older, I have to like.

You stop yourself from saying that.

I stopped myself from saying it because I hated it so much when I was a kid.

Yeah.

Yeah.

I actually told, well, my stepdad has two little girls, so I'm going to go see after this.

If I can get that.

Two now.

May and Juniper.

They're twins.

May and Juniper?

Yep.

Okay.

That's a nice name.

Shadow, May and Judy.

What months were they born in?

December.

Really?

Yep.

But their parents' birth months are May and June.

Oh, that's cool.

That's where that comes from.

Well, they already had June.

So I told them the other day, they're cuddling me on the couch.

And I said, you know, I used to hold you guys as babies on this couch.

And they said, really?

And I said, yeah, I dropped an iced coffee on Juniper as a baby.

And they thought that was so funny.

That's a good story.

They liked that.

That's pretty good.

Yeah.

I do that with my kids sometimes.

And they'll be like, yeah,

I knew you when you were very small.

And they're like, yeah, I know.

Yeah.

Yeah, you've been here the whole time.

They're super confused, these kids,

how I know their dad.

Like, like, they can't, it's kind of confusing even to regular people because it's like, my mom was with your dad and I've grew up with him and now you, you're, you're here.

You know what I mean?

With a different mom.

With a different mom and a different dad.

Or for us.

You know what I mean?

Like, we're not related, but I'm your sister.

You know what I mean?

Wait.

Vibes.

You're a related to your dad?

Is that what you're saying?

No, because he's not my dad.

Oh, he's your stepdad.

He's my stepdad.

Oh, yeah.

Oh, yeah, okay.

But they can't get us out.

I wonder why that's confusing for them.

Yeah.

So she goes, she goes,

you and Dada used to live together.

And they said, were you ever, she goes, were you ever married to Dada?

And I said, no.

No, I wish.

Love him, I love you.

I said, he was married to my mom.

So I lived with him when I was little.

So we're family.

And she goes, you live together.

And I go, yes.

Because you were married.

You got it, kid and then I was telling him this story and he's like laughing about it and she's kind of still listening and she's like so you're not his real daughter and I go no and she goes who is his real daughter and then we went you and then she smiled yeah that's right she was all excited you know what used to mess me up when I was a kid when my family would be telling stories from before I was born and they were I was like where was I during this and they'd be like oh you weren't alive twinkle in your father's eye I was like I was dead like there was a time when I was dead Like, before you're alive, you're dead.

Yeah.

It's true.

It's true.

What are you?

You're not alive.

I guess you're alive.

I don't know.

God damn.

We're all just ones and zeros, man.

All right.

Here's your next phone call.

Oh, wait.

Hi, David and Graham.

This is Andy.

I live in Brooklyn, New York, and I'm waiting for the subway.

I just heard a great overheard.

If it's

one lady goes,

ah, is that a rat?

And another lady lady goes,

fuck.

Okay, so he messed that up, and then he called back.

I spiked it up.

I spiked it all up.

Okay, I'm going to try.

Okay, so the first lady goes.

The first lady goes, ah, is that a tomato?

And the other lady goes, no, it's a rat.

And then the first lady goes, no, but it's eating a tomato.

Okay.

I don't know if I saved it.

Everybody wins.

Yeah.

Tomato?

That's a rat.

Oh, I'd love to see it.

Have you seen a rat eating anything in New York?

I saw a rat kissing another rat.

That's nice.

Love of his life.

Did their tails meet in the middle and make a heart?

No, that I wanted my New York story if I saw that.

Yeah, that's true.

I'm not, you know what?

I'm not that mad at the rats these days.

No.

I saw a rat running by the fancy restaurant in our neighborhood, and

another lady was walking the opposite way, and we locked eyes.

Not locked eyes.

It wasn't.

I was loving the first lady.

And we kind of were like,

you know what?

Even the fancy restaurants.

Yeah.

True.

Everybody.

And true.

Yeah.

I don't mind rats.

I don't want.

I've been in places where they've come into the place and I don't care for that.

But

rats on their own.

I think I would take rats over cockroaches, though.

You know what?

I don't see you without a hat very often these days.

Ta-da.

Okay, so there's not a rat under their director

making you do comedy.

Making you podcast.

Yeah.

All right, just let Dave interrupt again.

Yep.

Okay, let him go.

He's on one today.

All right, final phone call.

Hey, Dave, Graham, possible guests.

This is Adam from Oregon.

We just got a ton of snow overnight, and I just walked by my neighbor's house, and their kid had made two different snowmen.

And I think the parents maybe dressed them up after the fact because the kids are pretty young.

But the two snowmen, Wayne and Garth nice yeah no freaking way twins there yeah

no freaking way yeah man awesome um

yeah I guess you'd have to have hats I have a hat yeah uh you know wigs wigs maybe yeah oh fun t-shirts

jeans

uh rock band t-shirts have you guys made with the snow did you make a snowman no snowford hey true Oh wait!

I haven't seen a single snowman.

Oh, they're around.

I think it was too icy.

No, that first day, it was perfect.

Right.

I wasn't here for that.

If you go to Douglas Park, some people made the, like, it's not there anymore, but they made a, I'd say, five-foot-tall snowball.

Nice.

That

would have been, would have created some kind of gigantic snowman.

And then someone else made a really cool cave.

What happened?

They didn't complete the project.

I guess, yeah, they ran out of money.

Yeah.

Permits are notoriously tough.

Well, you know what?

I think

that

they were trying to build a brutalist thing, and then the guy

assaulted him.

If I still worked at 22, that would be straight to my Tuesday sketch, brutalist, but sort of snowman.

Yeah.

Nice.

My apartment building, there's a snow fort around the side of it that I think the kid upstairs made with his parents.

But

you could build a snowman with these kids that you're going to see

that are maybe sort of

not related to you.

Yeah.

We call it sister for my mis another mister and mother.

That's fun.

Yeah.

Well, I think that's the end of this year podcast.

Oh, Maddie.

Where can people they find you on Instagram?

Okay, yeah.

So we got the, you know, we got Instagram and TikTok, and I think I'll actually be making more things on there coming up.

Okay.

It's Maddie Kelly.

Both?

Yep.

Okay.

Oh, it's Maddie Kelly.

It's Maddie Kelly.

I-C-S, Maddie Kelly.

Yeah.

M-A-T-D-Y-K-E-L-Y.

A 604.

Bleep that out.

So

actually don't bleep that out and it will give me incentive to change my phone number.

No, I'm bleeping it out.

Yeah.

Okay.

So

another thing I want to talk about is that

I have a podcast once a year.

Okay.

Called State of the Union with Maddie and Alexis.

Okay.

There's only been one year.

So you can easily catch up.

Okay.

Who's Alexis?

Alexis Booker is a terrific, funny friend of mine, not a comic.

As time of recording, she was a chef.

And right now, she's not a chef.

She's back to being a producer or something.

Right.

And she's like one of the funniest people I've ever known, but I've always thought it's really interesting because her background and my background could not be more different.

She's from Texas.

She was raised super Christian.

And you're from India.

No, you're not India.

Yeah.

And I'm from, you know, liberal witch parents in Vancouver.

Right, you are a witch.

And yet, boy, do we love to riff.

You know, we love to go.

So we thought it would be interesting to document.

I thought it would be interesting.

She wanted to do the podcast every week.

I said that wasn't sustainable.

Let's do it once a year.

What about every 52 weeks?

Yeah.

We didn't even, we did it in the summer last summer.

Didn't even get around to releasing it till the election night.

But this year I'm going to be more on it.

Okay, you haven't done it yet.

No, we have.

And this is you discuss all the things that have happened in the year?

Yeah.

No, you haven't done the second episode.

Yeah, the second episode will be coming out in July.

So you got to catch up on Lax last week.

Have you recorded it yet?

No.

Okay.

We have to wait till it's been in one year.

Okay.

Well, it'll be recorded in July, but we're not released till November.

No, it'll be recorded in July and released in July.

That's right.

Yay!

Something to look forward to this hot, hot summer.

Once I figured out how to do an RRS feed, the world was my oyster.

Yeah.

We'll figure it out.

So, yeah.

Oyster on a half-shell podcast.

Oyster power.

Nice.

So, yeah, listen to that.

Listen to, of course, Let's Make a Sci-Fi, Let's Make a Grom-com, Let's Make a Horror.

All great.

Really great.

What else do I get?

You don't have to search for it.

Listen to

Popcorn for Dinner.

Yeah.

Not so stoked on that?

Yeah, I listened to Popcorn for Dinner.

It only almost killed me.

Oh, well,

I guess you must listen to it because it brought you to the brink.

I don't listen to it.

Fine.

I liked it.

I co-wrote it.

I liked it more than

the Let's Make shows.

Really?

Yeah.

Oh.

That I only produced in September.

I guess

it was a little bit

less critically acclaimed.

Oh, wow.

Popcorn for dinner.

Hey, scripted.

Everyone always goes, can I talk to you about making a scripted podcast?

Yeah, you can.

Don't do it.

Don't do it.

Absolutely.

Don't do that.

Really unpopular genre.

Well, thank you for being our guest.

But can we chat a bit more?

Sure.

Off air.

I mean, we can do it on air.

Thank you for having me.

Thank you for being here.

Listeners, you can follow us on Instagram and Blue Sky.

Now we are no longer on Twitter.

We're not on Twitter anymore.

But yeah, our Instagram,

things are popping off there.

If you want to correspond with other members, we don't have,

what are they called?

Discord.

Discord.

But we got a group of people in a Facebook group.

Yeah.

And

Max Fun Drive is coming up soon.

So, you know, go to maximumfund.org.

And

I don't know.

Don't do anything there right now.

Just go there.

Just go there.

Have a snoop around.

Yeah.

And thank you, everybody out there, for listening.

Yeah, absolutely.

Follow us on Instagram and your blue sky.

Come on back next week for another episode of Stop Podcasting Yourself.

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