Episode 882 - Heidi Brander

Hi, he's Dave Shumka.

And he's Graham Clark.

And together we host Stop Podcasting Yourself.

Woo!

Hello, everybody, and welcome to episode number 882 of Stop Podcasting Yourself.

My name is Graham Clark.

With me as always, is a man who's very understanding of my foibles, Mr.

Dave Shumka.

There's no foible.

We're all friends.

We're all friends, I know, but I

screwed up the booking time.

It's fine.

It's fine.

We're here.

We're happy.

It's going to be a great show.

Yeah.

We'll talk all about it.

We're going to tell everyone all about it.

And our guest today, a returning guest, but first time.

In person.

Yeah.

Live and in person.

A very funny, hilarious comedy writer.

It's Heidi Brander, everybody.

Hello.

Hello.

Hi, Heidi.

Welcome.

How are you?

I'm good.

Yeah.

This was kind of a foible, I guess.

Yeah, it's sort of a foible.

Yeah,

it's great to have you here.

And

you, well, let's get to know you.

Get to know us.

Heidi.

You just flew in yesterday from Los Angeles.

Yep, sure did.

And did you think that coming up to Vancouver, you were like, I just need a light coat?

Yeah, I brought, I mean, I've just, I just came from Toronto not long ago, so I brought the whole shebang.

I got like winter coat, bluntstones, baby, and got my two coats.

Nice.

Yeah.

Yeah.

Yeah.

Bluntstones being our unofficial uniform here in Vancouver.

Yeah.

As a lifelong Vancouver at I've never owned a pair.

Me neither.

And I don't think I ever will.

I might.

They just, the Browns, I don't wear black, I don't wear black shoes.

right and the browns don't look good i don't like any of the browns they look weathered they all kind of look a little bit blotchy yeah they're so practical but they're so horrible when you go to a party and then like you take them like a shoes off party and then you like have to leave and you're like oh

that's sort of the vancouver key party is everyone puts their once in

uh so we were supposed to scheduled okay here's what happened here's how it all breaks down okay uh one of my daughters is homesick yeah He won't reveal which one.

I won't reveal which one, but maybe you'll find out later.

And I don't know if that'll play into this, but Graham said, okay, we're doing Tuesday at 12:30.

Exactly.

And then

I'm sitting at home.

I was actually in my tanning bed.

You do look good.

You do look good.

You were at home.

Typing away on the computer.

Oh, sure, in your sauna.

And then the doorbell rings.

it's not well i come downstairs and i'm already texting you like okay because one of my kids is homesick should we do the record

whether we're safety protocols and then uh i go downstairs answer the door our guest is here yes listen my phone says 11 30 and there is no time difference

you are right you are right i was the i was the x factor guy i was even 15 minutes late yeah that was the other thing it was like

i was like texting abby and texting you and and trying to figure out uh how to that have the dogs not

come home while you're getting here so no one wakes up the kid and then um

uh i'm like i look at my phone i'm like wait it's like 11 50.

what

you were early but you were late

oh yeah that's my style show business show business so that's uh that's where we're at and i think we're handling it with professionalism Thank you for all your, like you said, air traffic controlling.

If in Trump's America, you would be laid off.

Heidi, you flew in from Los Angeles, and you were telling me yesterday that it was like quite the affair.

Oh, yeah.

My plane was full of teens, like wall-to-wall teens.

I guess they were like in some sort of water polo competition, but I was saying, I mean, I guess I'll repeat what I said, but like, I was like literally body shaming these teens because I'm like, well, they don't look like they play water polo.

Like,

I don't know about those arms

on like a 14-year-old boy.

I'm like, I'm kind of doughy.

But yeah, it was like wall-to-wall teens.

They were fully having a farting contest.

It was crazy.

I, yeah, everyone loses.

I know.

But they did a thing that I've been on flights and they've done this.

I imagine you have as well, where the pilot comes on and like says, like, sitting on our plane today is you know

the gold winner winning like I don't even know what this league was but yeah, they had like shouted out these teens and they were all like yeah And I'm like Jesus Christ.

I need a drink

like I played a little bit of sports when I was a kid and there was no traveling like you would like if you wanted

In the 80s and 90s playing sports You didn't fly to a tournament.

No, you would drive to red deer.

You would maybe drive to like one or two tournaments a year, but I have nieces and nephews who play sports, and every weekend they're in another city.

Really?

Whoa, on planes and stuff?

Sometimes on planes, yeah.

That's so expensive.

Okay, I wasn't going to bring this up, but I was on Team PEI for soccer.

And I mean, basically, if you have legs, you can be on team PEI.

Like, there's no, like, there's no good soccer players on PEI.

But yeah, like, all we would do is like drive from one end of PEI to the other.

It was just, there was no flying whatsoever.

What is, uh, you, you're from PEI?

Yeah.

That's Prince Edward Island.

Yes.

It was not in the know.

Yeah, what's the soccer seed like there?

Oh, God.

A lot of very beefy girls.

Okay, we're body shaming.

I know.

I was one of them, though.

Yeah.

What is the, like, if you were end-to-end, what's the travel time of PEI?

It's like four hours end-to-end, and then like top to bottom, it's like one hour.

Yeah.

Okay, well, yeah.

Right.

Got it.

Yeah.

And there's a four.

Where you do a loop?

Hmm.

I mean, I don't, I haven't tried it.

Probably.

There's not, there's not like, oh, yeah, I did the loop.

Oh, my God.

Totally frank.

Did you do that loop?

I did the loop in three and a half hours, bye.

What was it like growing up there?

Because it's, I think it's the only province or territory I haven't been to.

I'm never going to.

Well, maybe, never say never, but I can't imagine what circumstance.

Oh, my God.

You got to come.

Yeah.

It's very fun in like July and and August.

And then the rest of the year, it's like pretty garbage, but like July and August, baby.

Yeah.

And that's when like, uh, that's when tourists are there and you're really leaning into the whole.

Oh, yeah.

And it's like, like everyone comes.

They're, everyone's just like the, every, everything's packed.

Um, very ann of Green Gables, heavy.

Yeah.

Like everyone's wearing those wigs.

Um,

yeah, and like beautiful weather and like beaches and all that stuff, lobster, everything's good.

But then as soon as it, like, Labor Day hits, like, everything just like completely shuts down, right?

Yeah, you can't, yeah, you can't do anything after Labor Day.

What, yeah, like, it's, it's like freezing, freezing cold, yeah.

And, like, I mean, now with like climate change and stuff, it's just like all these, like, all these hurricanes come in, like, and just like, like, there is a cottage community that just got like rocked.

Like, all the cottages just like got swept out to sea and stuff.

Oh, shit.

Yeah, it's pretty crazy.

Like, don't rent a cottage in PEI in October.

Don't tell me me what to do.

Is Anna of Green Gables, is that international or is that a Canadian?

I think that's international.

Oh, yeah, everyone knows Anna Green Gables.

And like, would people, do people come from, like, Japan to go to...

Yeah, it's so crazy because like people come and they like cry and stuff and there's like an Anna Green Gables house and they're everyone just like obsessed.

And then

she's not a real person.

I don't kind of want to sit outside with like a megaphone and be like, she's not real.

Like she was never alive.

This is not her house because she doesn't exist as a human being.

Like, it's crazy.

People like really believe in her, though.

She's Anne Frank.

I'm like, Anne Frank?

Yeah, he's real.

And she's our Anne Frank.

I've never read any of the books.

I've watched maybe two episodes of the television show.

Road to Avonlea, or it might have been Rhode De Avonlea, actually.

Because there's Anne of Avonlea.

Was there an Anne of Green Gables?

There wasn't a show.

There's a movie.

Oh, it was a movie.

There's a couple movies.

Rhode Avonlea was a show.

Is that in the universe

uh in the anna green cable cinematic universe

yeah it is and then there's another show called emily of new moon but like road to evently was like yeah i think it was supposed to be like anna green cable's like friends or something yeah they should reboot it i did reboot it riverdale style

dark and sexy wasn't the wasn't there a reboot that was done by somebody from like breaking bad or something oh yeah it's like and with an e and so like

i mean if if you ever work at CBC, like everything is just like, every comment is just people being like, bring back Anne with an E.

Like they're psycho about it.

Oh, they want it back.

Everyone wants Anne with an E back.

Yeah.

It was like dark Anne of Green Cables.

Yeah, well, that's, here's the thing.

I don't know anything about her.

What is her thing?

Is she a scamp like Pippi Longstalker?

She's a little scamp.

She's an orphan.

She's an orphan.

I don't know if her parents are dead or just didn't want her.

I think they're dead.

I mean, what I know about it is I think we had like a little kid's biography of Lucy Montgomery.

And that just basically tells the story.

And the family that takes her in wanted a boy.

Oh, okay.

Right.

Yeah, they wanted a boy.

So that he.

Do you feel like we're unfairly quizzing you on this thing?

I mean, yeah, I was like, I would have studied.

I just need to like repeat everything I've learned from osmosis.

But one fun fact is that, yeah, when I was like, I guess I was either a late, like late high school or university, I think it was university, but yeah, I worked at,

it wasn't like an official Anagreen Gables place, but it was, because I could didn't have the licensing, but it was like an off-brand, like Avanton Lee, like Anna Green Gables, like kind of like theme park kind of thing.

And yeah, I had to like wear the whole outfit and like put my hair in braids and be like, I'm Anna, I'm not Anna Green Gables, but I have Anna Green Gables adjacent.

It was basically like being like, like Mickey Mouse at like not Disneyland.

Right.

Yeah.

I stayed one time in Victoria.

There used to be a club that was downtown, and where they put you up was in a

fake Shakespeare village.

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

You know what it is?

I've heard of it, yeah.

And it was like all the rooms were themed, so you're like, be in the Romeo and Juliet suite or the Athella suite.

And it would be like just exactly as musty, and it had old furniture in it and stuff.

And then like, you could, there was no was the Romeo and Juliet suite romantic?

Was it like the portal?

Was it like, yeah, covered in blood

and poison?

But like I remember waking up and like going to the window, probably in my underwear, and there were tourists touring around.

Like I didn't I thought it was just a quirky hotel, but there's like tourists that were walking through and isn't this amazing?

And whoa, weird.

They couldn't like go in your room while you were like staying there.

Oh, I invited them in.

I re-watched Hot Fuzz a few weeks ago.

So funny.

And I forgot that they do, there's like two people are amateur actors in it in a doing like a version of Romeo and Juliet.

And I forgot that it's the Baz Luhrmann Leonardo DiCaprio, like a stage version of that.

So it's got all the like

neon lights and stuff.

Oh my god.

Did you, now,

did you, is that your version of Romeo and Juliet?

Because I feel like I was too...

I was too old for that to be my virgin version of it.

Oh, no, you guys.

Okay, I'm a virgin, all right.

But I think the one that I was shown in school was the like Italian one.

Oh, yeah, the one with like, oh my god, there's like kids in it.

And I think like now the kids are like suing.

Yeah, wasn't there like child nudity?

Yeah.

Yeah.

I remember, I do think I remember watching that.

But yeah, mine was definitely the Bas Luhrmann one because that other one was like, even as a kid, I was like, this is creepy.

Yeah.

I, mine was the Bas Luhrmann one, but it was, and I'm your age.

Yeah.

So I didn't feel too old for it, but I did not feel close to, I don't, I personally don't feel like I have a Romeo in Julia.

Yeah, it's funny because I imagine, like, if they show it to kids now, maybe that's what they would show them, is the Baz Luhrmann one.

Yeah, I mean, every girl that was like around my age was obsessed with it, because, like, but they were all like, Leonardo DiCaprio.

And I was like, John Leguizamo.

Yeah, Leo who

had John Legazamo.

He never gets his due.

You know what I mean?

He's great in everything he does.

He's so good.

and he is really hot in that movie.

Yeah.

Oh, everybody's hot in that movie.

Yeah.

Is he?

He's the

wait a minute.

Which one is Montegu and which one's Capulet?

Juliet Capulet.

And then

Romeo Montego.

And they feud in families, right?

I'm just recapping what it is.

So we're just going to see if you know more about Romeo and Juliet or

English class.

I'm like, next, what are you going to do?

Like The Giver or whatever?

I just read the giver a few weeks ago, too.

What's the giver?

I don't even know that one.

Oh, it's about this society that's like in the future.

Yeah.

And one person is like this old man who is giving, it's his role to like

have memories of the world.

Like he's the only one who knows what's happening.

He's the only one who's known allowed.

Yeah.

And then

everyone's job is decided for them when they're like 13.

Right.

And then

this little boy, this 13-year-old boy, is the next in line to be the giver.

So he goes to take giver lessons.

And it's very important that he nails this because the girl who was going to take over,

it didn't work out, and she had to be killed.

Jesus.

Way to be let go.

Is this like a...

Is it like a novel or is it a Finn Book?

It's a novel.

It's a novel?

It was definitely like

elementary school.

Like, you have to read this.

And I was like, oh.

Are you a reader?

Do you like reading?

I just got back into reading.

I got to get into reading.

That's what I'm trying to do.

I'm trying to jumpstart reading.

Oh, God, because I was just in all these conversations like the one we're in now where people would be like, so what books are you reading?

And I would be like,

like

Jessica Simpson's biography.

And so now I'm like, okay, I should probably like read some bookie books.

But I just started taking like a romance novel writing class

because I was like, I just need to, I think I need to pivot in my career.

Like, this is where the money is.

I've also heard from multiple sources that the uh, like the Harlequin,

they're very Harlequin glove trotters.

You'll have a smoke at the end.

Like, they do a bunch of horny stuff with a basketball.

You know,

you know what.

I hear that the community is very welcoming of new people.

Oh, I mean, sure, maybe.

I haven't tried it out yet.

I also know that it's, well, there's now a maximum fun podcast about smut.

Oh, really?

Books.

And I forget the name of it, something smut.

But it's like,

it used to be like a thing that people were like, you know, kind of ashamed of.

And people are now owning it.

They're like, yeah, I read this stuff.

Yeah.

Each week I give at the Laugh Gallery, which is every Thursday, 7.30 p.m., I give away a romance novel.

I read a passage of a romance novel, I give it away.

But I was, I went to Valley Village and they didn't sell them anymore.

So I went on Facebook Marketplace and I contacted somebody who had a box of them.

And she was like, meet me in the parking lot.

And so it showed up as this tiny little lady.

This sounds like the beginning of a romance.

But like, she must have thought, this guy's a freak.

Like, why does he want all these romance novels?

And it was quite, like, it's quite a big box.

So they're fun as hell to read.

They're like, oh, yeah.

They're amazing.

Do you read a bunch of them?

Well, I just started getting into this because there's like, like, my sister got obsessed with this book last year.

It's set in PEI.

Like, there's this new romance novel.

I can't remember her name, Call.

Maybe, no, not Colleen, something.

Carly Fortune.

And

all her romance novels are like set in different cities in Canada.

And so she did one that's set in PEI and it's about this girl that gets horny for like an oyster shucker.

And I was like, this just sounds like Heidi Brander fan fiction so like i was like okay i have to do this better than this lady and so i just like started taking this class but now it's just it's me and like a whole bunch of 20 year olds that just want to do the next twilight like everyone's very like into like fantasy and like like i don't know like angels and aliens fucking and sorry i can't can i say you can say you can say it as much as you want

well there was some

Yeah, what was Jesse telling us about?

There was some, it was some mythological creature.

And then Minotaurs have been a big thing.

Yeah.

And like,

I know that there's, I mean, obviously in the

more graphic manga, we're talking a lot of octopus situations.

But you just want to do like a potato farmer.

Yeah.

Like, I'm just like, oh, oops, I dropped my potato bucket.

Oh, can you help me pick it up?

And then like their hands touch and stuff.

Yeah.

Slow burn.

Yeah, their hands touch.

And that's chapter five.

And then they don't kiss till chapter 15.

It's mostly about potatoes.

And like,

some of the ones that you get have a scratch ticket in the middle of the book.

And so those are fun to pull out and scratch and see if I win a new Harley Quinn.

Oh, that's, oh, they're not.

It's like in the book.

Oh, my God.

And then, so the one I was giving away,

the one I was giving away last week, I opened it and this piece of paper fell out of it.

And I looked at it.

It was somebody who'd written their own epilogue to the book.

Oh, my.

And it was on like a real estate agent page.

Oh, yeah.

So, and it said right at the top, epilogue, and it was them.

They didn't think that the way it was written was good enough.

And so they came up with their own ending.

I love this.

Oh, my God.

I know.

I still have it.

Did you read it?

Did you read it the show?

I read it half of it, but I wanted to pre-read it so that I could see.

Like, I didn't want to.

Oh, you haven't given this away yet?

No, no.

I gave away the book.

This is never going away.

So he's sticking with me for which epilogue was better, in your opinion?

I didn't read the epilogue of the book.

Okay.

So I assume his is superior.

Oh, yeah.

And why?

Sure, it's a...

I don't know.

The writing seems like it's man writing.

Oh, okay.

Yeah.

What did I hear about

Twilight?

Or is like 50 Shades of Gray was written as...

Twilight fan fiction, yeah.

And then it became like a whole thing.

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Yeah.

So I'm just basically doing this for the money is what I'm saying.

But I'm like, got to get in on some of this.

I mean, yeah, like the harlequin stuff, like, yeah, I guess the people are welcoming.

That's nice.

I like that.

Yeah.

Since I'm just a money grubber.

Yeah.

And it's, I know, I knew a guy a few years ago that

did it.

And that was their, I think they also, like, you can download ones that you don't even need the book anymore because like Kindle and everything like that.

Oh, yeah.

So he wrote ones that go directly to Kindle and like they're actually

big?

Like are they thick books?

Like oh no, very thick.

Oh, really?

Yeah.

I'm imagining like the grocery store wall of them, and they're.

I'm imagining them thick, but I never picked them up.

So, um,

no, the ones, all the ones I have are like, would-be like great school book size.

I do want to read some of the old ones, like, with like Fabio on the cover.

I'll bring you one.

I'll bring you an old one.

Yeah.

Tomorrow.

Okay.

I've got, as I say, doesn't have Fabio.

I'll look and see if there's any Fabio.

Oh, remember when Fabio first made this?

That's what I was going to say.

I thought you were going to say

he was on a roller because you're going to hit with a.

Was it a pigeon or a seagull?

I think it was a seagull, yeah.

Right.

Oh, God.

It's so good.

It's just such a perfect, like, um,

mad lib of a thing to happen to a celebrity.

It could be like, you know, it was Elizabeth Taylor was driving in a convertible and she was hit in the face by a snake.

Yeah, Brent Butt used to have a joke about how it didn't, you know, it didn't take his his head off, that he's so strong that he was able to withstand that.

Because if he was on a bicycle and a bee hit his head, it would knock him off the bike.

Oh, man.

When you get hit by an insect, it's a very satisfying thud.

Yeah.

Yeah.

So just if they get in the eye, oh, then I panic so bad.

Oh, I love that.

He has a bit about Fabio getting hit in the face with the seagull.

Like, now I'm like, I want to do that.

That should be a topic at Winnipeg.

Yeah.

Just Fabio stories.

Paula Tompkins has a funny Fabio.

I wonder how long that kind of like celebrity reference can stay in your act before people are like, who are you talking about?

I know Bruce McCullough's website is Brucio.

And so if you didn't know Fabio, you'd be like, why?

Oh, is that why?

Oh, I didn't know that was why.

I didn't know why.

Oh, yeah.

He did like a monologue in one of his shows about being Brucio.

But how did Fabio he always looked weird, right?

Wasn't he a strange-looking man?

Very muscly.

Muscly, big.

Long hair.

Long hair.

Golden tresses.

Yeah.

His face is

not unhandsome.

No, yeah, I guess you're right.

It's just like, and like, like, big.

I think of him as having a big face.

Yes, he has a big face.

He's known for his like pecs.

Like, he was always like, had like a deep V.

Yeah.

Yeah.

And it's weird because a lot of the, almost all the ones I have, there's no photo of anybody on it.

Was he rendered and drawn?

Was he drawn on or was he?

Yeah, I think of him as, I think of it as like, yeah, not photos, but like photorealistic paintings.

Yeah, yeah, that's what's on the cover of the one.

The original, like, AI, yeah, yeah, that kind of slop.

But yeah, like, have you written anything yet?

Is it uh, well, it's that's the thing.

You're supposed to, for this class, write the first chapter of this book, and I'm just procrastinating so hard.

Like, there's a girl that's like, Do you want to exchange pages?

And I'm like,

Never, yeah.

So, yeah, we'll figure it.

I'll figure it out.

I'm just like, I do everything at the last minute.

So, right now,

ha.

yeah i'll bring you in tomorrow you'll

have an old one oh i love that okay cool um yeah the uh uh taking up any kind of writing is so scary like i i could do a comedy writing thing and that's about it i don't think i could write a fantasy thing i don't think i write a mystery thing

would you yeah i'd be more worried about a writing thing than like a pottery class.

Yeah, yeah, because it's like somebody else has got to read it and maybe you have to read it in front of the class.

But your pottery, you're like,

I'm the one who's going to be putting my cigarettes out in this.

But it's one of those, it's like low stakes, because like if people read it and they hate it, I'm like, I mean, I was just kidding.

I didn't mean to like, what, me writing a romance novel?

Come on.

It was a joke.

I was doing it for jokes.

I know.

But also, like,

it would be tempting to make it funny because you're like, well, at least I know I'm getting laughs.

Yeah.

Like, during this Christmas season, there was

like all the Hallmark movies, right?

Yeah.

And there was one on Netflix called Hot Frosty.

Of course, I saw Hot Frosty.

But it was trying to be funny, and I feel like if there was a comedy writer writing it, it could actually have been funny.

Yeah.

But it felt.

Did you see it?

Hot Frosty?

No, no, no.

What's his name?

Craig Robinson?

Craig Peenello?

Oh, yeah, he was in it.

Can you imagine?

But he like...

Coach is

Hot Frosty, featuring Coach.

Why not?

Yeah, why not?

You're right.

He's a handsome man.

But he plays his keyboard.

And I feel like every role that he has have to include him playing on a keyboard.

I didn't even think about that.

I mean, but it did take me out of Hot Frosty.

We were going to get Reggie Watts

beatboxing into a loop pedal.

And it was fun, but it was, you could tell it was trying to be funnier than it had.

Oh, yeah.

And like, okay, I'm just body shaving.

I'm not body shaving, but like

I was gonna say hot frosty was not that hot in that movie.

He needed to eat something skinny frosty.

He was like, he was like painfully like he should have had a frosty.

Oh my god, that would have been such a perfect marriage.

But like, did he eat?

He needed, when he became a human, he could eat, he did eat.

I think so, but like, I don't know.

His whole, like, he looks too, he looked too skinny.

He could have eaten a sandwich, that guy.

It felt like he worked out too hard to

become hot frosty.

Yeah, yeah.

And that same week or weekend that I watched that, I watched the Michael Keaton snowman film.

Oh, Jack Frost.

Jack Frost.

Oh, man.

That movie's, is that quite bad?

I haven't seen it.

Is it the animation in it, surprisingly, is quite good for like 1998 or whatever.

Yeah.

And like, also, they use a lot of practical effects, so it actually works, but

he's a jazz musician.

So you know at some point that snowman's going to be playing some jazz.

Because there was another Jack frost horror movie that came out around the same time i would see them both in the in the

we've talked we probably haven't talked about this for five years but we used to talk about it a lot yeah about the the jack frost um

horror movie you the the box in the store was a hologram yeah and so i never rented it but i know there was a scene where the the uh snowman head came up and like a woman's in the bathtub yes and the snowman head comes up and i guess goes down on her.

Or kills her.

I don't know.

My friend and I would rent it like at least once a month and watch it.

It was so funny and very winkingly funny, but it still worked as a horror movie.

How do they do that?

Have two movies come out around the same time.

Yeah, one

for fun for the family and the other.

The same title.

Yeah, yeah.

What the hell?

Oh my God, you know that someone rented the wrong one and got in like big trouble.

Oh, for sure.

Yeah.

Yeah.

Yeah.

Yeah.

They did another one called Uncle Sam and it was about 4th of July and he goes on a rampage and kills people.

And

you're a horror movie fan at all?

No, they're too scary.

I mean, I see like the joke ones.

Like I saw that one with Brandy recently.

Like it was like, I can't remember what it was called, but like it was Brandy having to take care of like an old lady who was like, her whole thing was just that she was really annoying.

But it was like a horror movie.

It sounds like a horror movie.

But no, i get like with like body horror stuff i don't know i just like i don't like it i can't do that but you saw you like the substance the substance was really good have you seen the substance i haven't seen the substance i know i need to it's so hilarious but it's yeah there's a lot of goopy it's a very goopy film yeah yeah it's of best picture i know

and like i feel like after Shape of Water one, I feel like the gates really flung open to be all sorts of crazy stuff.

I try to see as many of the Oscar movies as I can.

I've only seen three this year, and I don't want to see most of them.

Like, there's

not seem like a good year for Oscar movies.

Which ones have you seen?

I know you've seen

what's it called?

Conclave.

Conclave.

I was going to say Convoy.

How is that?

Is John Olithko in that, or do I just think that he's

in it and he's excellent?

All the movie rules.

That's my favorite.

I don't think it.

On a good year, it wouldn't be a best pick.

It would like, it's certainly an awardy movie, but

I wouldn't think it would have a chance of winning.

And I don't, anyway.

I saw The Substance.

And I saw, well, this was going to be my get-to-know us, The Brutalist.

Okay.

Say no more.

Say no more.

Did you see any of the Oscar nominated?

What?

I have to remember what they looked.

Yeah.

I didn't see the Bob Dylan one.

Yeah, I'll see that.

I saw Enora.

I really liked Enora.

That's nominated.

The Bob Dylan one, Conclave, Nickel Boys.

That looks good.

I'll see that.

Yeah.

Nickel Boys, yeah.

But we're running out of time before the Oscars.

What's my take going to be?

I saw Amelia Perez.

Yeah, was it good?

Here's the thing.

I suffer from something that people call the Albert Knobs effect, which is that when I went to see Albert Nobbs back, I don't know if you guys remember the movie Albert Knobbs.

Yeah.

I went to, I saw it at Tiff and it was the premiere, and Glenn Close was there, and like she made a speech.

I just remember seeing Albert Knobs and being like, this is the best movie I've ever seen in my life.

Glenn Close is going to win an Oscar.

And so when I saw Amelia Perez, I was like, this is amazing.

It was just like, if I'm having a good experience in the movie theater, I tend to just love the movie no matter what it is.

And so I was just like, Amelia Perez, man, that movie rules.

And then I started to think about it.

And I was like, hmm, maybe this movie's bad.

And now I'm like, oh, yeah, it's bad.

So I've changed my mind.

But initially, I did love it.

I'm still here, which is,

i get it confused with a complete unknown because it i'm thinking of i'm not there you're not there yeah yeah but i also get it confused with i'm still here which is what i think the joaquin phoenix

um documentary was about oh yeah

when he got all bearded and crazy yeah yeah it's like sort of like there's two jack frosts there's two i'm still here the substance dune part two uh seems very good but not for me man me neither uh wicked oh i saw wicked i saw wicked yeah thoughts i thought it was great but i knew you're mad that it's gonna be too yeah to be continued because oh i know boy this has been a three hour long adventure and i'm like oh shit they're good there it's not anywhere near the ending yeah yeah i loved it because i forgot what i saw the original like the play and then i kind of forgot what it was it was about and so i was like oh it's like watching it again yeah i don't really even know much about the witches as part of the wizard of oz like i know the story of the wizard of oz Oz and Dorothy and her crew, but I forget what the witches are doing.

There's, well, her house lands on the Wicked Witch of the East's head.

Yeah.

And

the Wicked West of the

Wicked Witch of the East is the one that's wearing the ruby slippers.

Okay.

And then they take those off at her feet, like, recoil.

Do you remember that?

Yeah.

Like, rolled up and like...

Zipped under the window.

There's also a Wicked Witch of the West.

Yeah, that's her sister.

Oh, okay.

And then there's also a Good Witch.

Glenda the Good Witch of the North.

Yeah.

And then isn't there supposed to be a fourth, but they just don't have one?

Or like, does that come later?

I can't remember.

There's no southern witch.

Yeah.

Hey, y'all.

This flag means heritage, not faith.

Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa.

The one thing they do in the movie that is, I was like, yes.

Was they show where the flying monkeys come from?

Uh-huh.

And it's, it's basically a spell, but it was.

Is it true that they fly out of my butt?

Yeah.

You're going to want to see that in 3D when they fly out of Dave's butt.

There's also Anora, which I do want to see.

Oh, God.

You should see it.

Yeah.

And The Brutalist, which I regret seeing.

There's my review.

Did you guys see the Robbie Williams monkey movie?

Oh, my God.

To me, that is like the best picture of the year.

I loved it.

No, I liked it.

I loved Conclave.

I liked

monkey movies.

Yeah.

Did it?

And it like...

I saw them on the same day.

Oh, don't get them mixed up.

Oh, it casts the wrong ballot.

Do you want to let go of the monkey?

I don't know.

Yeah,

like Dave saw it and he loved it.

Why did you connect with the Robbie Williams monkey movie?

It's just so good.

Did you know anything about Robbie Williams going in?

Yeah, I'm like kind of obsessed with him.

So

I really.

That was a big hurdle for the movie going public.

Well, what made you see it?

Because I was just like, oh, I love Robbie Williams.

Like as soon as I saw that they was like a member of All Saints.

I love all saints.

It was just so for me.

But I'm like, as a person that might not be as familiar with Robbie Williams, like what made you go see?

I am familiar with it.

So that's why I saw it.

When I saw the trailer, I was like.

Okay, they're making a Robbie Williams movie and it's a monkey, which they don't mention.

Like in the trailer, they mention

what's the deal with the monkey.

They never bring it up in the movie.

There's like, yeah, like, I feel like for North America, they had to cut this specific trailer that was like, I'm Robbie Williams.

I'm the, I'm one of the biggest stars in the world.

Like, that you need to explain that.

And then, um, also, what's the deal?

You might be thinking, what's the deal with this monkey?

And it's like, they just need to spell it out.

Yeah.

But it was a pretty full theater when I saw it.

Oh, that's good.

It was pretty empty when I saw it.

Yeah.

And I was like crying and stuff.

It was, yeah.

I

did I cry.

I might have cried.

I love that you guys cry during the movie.

I don't.

I can't.

I can't.

Really?

Even if I'm really liking the movie, I can't.

I might get a little

climb.

But that one sequence where he meets the woman from All Saints and they dance.

And then you see.

their relationship and cutaways and like

she has an abortion.

Yeah.

And with no words.

It's like really wonderful movie.

Like that's just a song playing and you figure out what's happening.

And you completely forget that he's a monkey, you know.

It's just, it's beautiful.

Oh my God.

And then the end with his dad, I was just like, oh,

the other thing about it is like,

they didn't even make it easy on you by casting actors you might know.

Yeah.

No one in this movie is famous.

Oh, yeah.

And I mean, the soundtrack is amazing.

Like I downloaded the soundtrack as soon as I got out.

And then there's a documentary about him on Netflix where he does the entire thing in his underwear.

Like, he's just doing interviews on his bed and in his underwear.

And I like watch the whole thing of that.

Like, he's great.

Yeah.

Yeah.

The two guys who play the brothers from Oasis are so good.

Oh, yeah.

That got a big laugh.

Yeah, I know that like two songs of Rodley Williams, but I feel like I know who he is.

He's the bad boy.

Oh, yeah.

He's like the bad boy.

You know, five songs.

Oh, yeah.

You know, Rock DJ.

Uh-huh.

You know, Millennium.

I know Millennium.

I know

Angels.

Angels.

Yes.

I know Angels.

You know

Real Love.

I Just Wanna Feel.

Is it called Real Love?

I don't think I know that one.

Oh, how low can I go?

And I feel like there's another one in there that you might know.

I think I might know one from his.

Oh, you know, Want You Back by

Take that.

Oh, yeah.

That one's so good.

You listened to him when he was first around, or do you?

Yeah, I lived in the UK for a bit when I was younger, so I was like, who is this?

I'm obsessed with him.

Like, I loved him so much.

Yeah.

Posters on the wall style.

Oh, oh, yeah.

She's the one.

Oh, so good.

You know that.

You know that.

So I don't know.

You know that.

You know, Let Me Entertain You.

Yes, yes, I know.

Let me entertain you.

That one's great.

He sang it at Nebworth.

He opens Nebworth with it.

Oh, my God.

And that monkey being like,

your ass is mine.

I'm like, oh, that's a real is.

I'm going to write a harlequin romance about me and monkey Robbie Williams.

You know what?

You could do a lot worse.

Maybe have Lego Farrell Pharrell show.

I was just going to say, what happened to.

Oh, God.

Why isn't that the best picture?

Has it come out yet?

Yeah.

Yeah, it came and went.

And was it good?

Like, it feels like the Robin Williams

overshadowed, like, you know, kind of overtook and it turned out that the materials were.

The area was good, but it it was a it's a documentary oh really yeah but done with lego as the yeah oh you just uh use that as a device huh and it yeah i like i didn't ever think about that i'd ever see a documentary about pharrell but

pharrell oh sorry i made the same mistake

will pharrell

um carry pharrell

do you watch documentaries at all yeah i just watched one um about it was so good.

It's about, you might not have heard about this, but it's like this Gray's anatomy writer

who faked that she had cancer.

Like, so she was writing all the stories on Gray's anatomy about like, you know, having cancer and just like wrote some like really major episodes and acted like the authority in the writer's room on like

illness and like hospitalization and all this stuff.

But then like she was faking that she had cancer the whole time and everyone's minds were blown and like she was making tons of money just like writing so many episodes of Gray's Anatomy.

It's called, I think it's called Anatomy of Lies.

So, yeah, you should watch it.

It's so good.

It's like, and she's still around.

Like, I think during the LA fires, she was like asking people for money on like a GoFundMe.

And it's like, this person is a monster.

Is it a

like a Netflix thing or is it

feel, but not he goes on Peacock.

But what does it feel like?

Does it feel like a

scandalous thing or is it like a um like a cinematic kind of movie thing or is it like tabloid-y it's no it's not even it's like true crimey kind of like it's um it's it's like riveting because yeah it's like this girl that just like uh rose up the ranks of like and like i think almost like one emmy like was nominated for emmys and stuff and like they show all of her like she was just one of those like i don't know like people that would be on panels all the time like so smug about how smart they are and then it's like you're you you lied about having cancer.

Like, you're crazy.

Yeah.

Um,

yeah.

The, uh, um, I was going to say there was another movie that I saw in the same.

Oh, I was talking to a past guest, Randy Newmeier.

She, she was going through Gray's Anatomy from episode one.

And she was like, I wonder how many episodes there are.

No, it's something like 649.

It's still on, isn't it?

It's still on.

Yeah, it's still dragging on.

My sister was just like, you know what?

Like, this is during the pandemic.

And I think she's still working on it.

She's like, you know what?

I'm going to watch every episode of Law and Order.

Oh, nice.

Nice.

And she's like still working on it, I think.

But she's like pretty far.

Is she going through the

like spin-offs as well?

I think it might just be SVU or whichever one, Marisca Harga.

That's what they say.

Okay.

Yeah.

Because the original started like 10 years before that.

Yeah.

And I remember like on sick days, that would be my, my, like, whole slate of the day because like A ⁇ E would just play them.

nine hours in a row or whatever.

But that was back in the days where there was a guy like, I think his name was Michael Moriarty.

He was a Vancouver guy that made it big and then came back here.

You saw him in bars all the time.

Oh, and he was on it?

Yeah, he was the district attorney before Sam Waterston took it.

Whoa.

Yeah.

That's cool.

Yeah.

And he, like, he was from Vancouver and then he ended up living in Vancouver again, but like was always at the bar.

Like everybody knew.

Who was when you went told the story about being in a coffee shop?

You worked at a coffee shop and a celebrity came in and used the bathroom or used the bathroom and so started smoking in it oh can i guess who it was yeah yeah yeah was it a baldwin it was a baldwin was it daniel it was daniel baldwin

the best one in my opinion

he he came in and you could tell he had just had a rough night and uh went to the bathroom and was in there for quite a while to the point where the manager was like oh Should we knock on the door?

And then we could smell cigarette smoke.

We were like, hey, get the fuck out of here.

Get out of here, man.

I think it was enough of a time when maybe places still would let you smoke, sort of.

Yeah, but not in the bathroom.

Not in the bathroom.

Like, you know, you know, you can't smoke if you're doing it sneakily in the bathroom.

Have you had any weird run-ins with celebrities in that?

Ooh.

I think so.

I can't.

Oh, God.

Who do you think?

I mean, you're in L.A., so I assume it's, you know, your celebrity fallout.

I mean, I probably have seen more people in PEI.

Like, Meryl Streep goes to PEI a lot, apparently.

Really?

Oh, yeah.

Her brother lives there.

But

yeah, like weird celebrity run run-ins.

Like, oh, God.

I mean, I went to elementary school with Ryan Gosling.

You did?

Yeah.

Yeah.

Wow.

Okay.

So, like, that's like, I mean, that's not like a weird one from recently, but like, that's the one that is always

in my head.

Yeah.

I, my, it's on my bio.

I beat him in a lip sync contest.

I literally use that in my bio.

Like, yeah.

Because he has a famous viral video of him doing like a dance routine in a like a cowboy costume.

Oh, no.

It's like a hammer pants.

Yeah, that's what he, like, that was his whole vibe when he was a kid.

Like, he would wear hammer pants and like he was the only guy and like all these like

little girl dance troops and stuff.

And then he would always do like talent show stuff with his sister, who I always thought was more talented than him.

Mandy Gosling, if you're listening.

Oh, yeah, she's a listener.

She calls in all the time.

Ryan's listening and he's going to be steaming.

But yeah, his sister was like a really good singer.

And like, and then he was just like a kind of a dancer.

And then I, um, there was like this school-wide lip-sync competition, and I was a couple years younger than him.

And I did, uh, I dressed up like the genie from Aladdin, and I did

a friend like me.

And I was like, I thought you were going to say genie in a bottle, and be like, that's inappropriate.

Oh, and grateful if you want to be with me.

I just see the principal turning the music off.

I'm sorry, we didn't preview these at all.

But you sang friend like me, like the big showstopper.

Yeah, and then I I beat him and he was so mad.

I loved it.

Yeah.

It's he's.

Did you do Blue Face?

I did.

There's shameful Blue Face photos of me.

I'm really sorry.

I deleted them off of Twitter.

Yeah.

He kind of wears hammer pants in the movie, the genie.

Oh, for sure.

Oh, yeah.

Oh, well, no, I guess he doesn't have a lower body.

Oh, yeah.

He's

an all-added ladder.

Yeah, Loudworth.

Yeah.

Ryan Gosling is such a good actor that you always forget that he was part of the Mickey Mouse Club.

Oh, yeah.

Like you watch Drive and you're like, this guy was in the Mickey Mouse Club.

You don't even think about it.

Justin Timberlake, on the other hand.

Have you seen there's a lot of people?

This is never what happened on Breaker High.

Oh, yeah.

There was like a video of like Ryan Gosling, Justin Timberlake, JC Shize from InSync, and some other guy

doing JC Shize.

Okay, okay.

We watched the JC Shize biography film where he's played by a dog.

Roe, re-roor.

But they sing like a really sexy, like Jodicy song, and they're like really little kids, and it's incredibly creepy.

But look it up.

Yeah.

No, look up that creepy kid sexy song.

Yeah.

I watched this documentary about a thing called VidCon.

which I think Jesse Thorne mentioned last week.

And it was a guy who put on, it was a way to get YouTube stars and their fans together in one place and so like it's basically for photo ops right like all these they're all just like young boys oh yeah yeah yeah and then like

uh they you told you they watched this a few years ago yeah and they made them like lip sync on stage because they didn't have a talent so there was no show to put on so they're like oh just dance around and lip sync to this song and then the girls will go crazy and then they can take pictures with you but i just thought i was like yeah there's no and it's still around like it's still a a huge thing and uh it sells out wherever it goes and oh my god yeah these yeah because like youtube stars don't have they can't tour i mean they've tried they've tried touring and doing theaters or whatever and they generally don't have an act yeah but they have an audience they have an audience and they don't uh yeah they don't know how to act a lot of them have tried to be stand-up comedians yeah there was like a time when like they take all these youtubers and then be like oh go like host this jfl gala and it'd be like, oh, this is going to work out.

Yeah.

I was on a JFL show hosted by two YouTubers and it was brutal.

I don't think I've ever been brought up to less enthusiastic crowds.

It does seem like they

the like traditional entertainment doesn't know what to do with

YouTubers and YouTubers don't need it.

Like you can make more money like just doing your videos.

You don't need to

make your like

turn your life into a Netflix show for less money and there's like I've it was the last time I was in chapters which was probably like seven years ago

there was a book based on like a couple kids that have a YouTube channel and you flip through and it's like it's garbage it's not anything that but I'm like did this sell like does the kids that like a YouTube channel would they like a book

here's what happens as a parent is you go to the bookstore with your kids.

Yeah.

You pick out a book you think they should read.

As a treat, they get to pick a piece of garbage book that they will look at once.

Yeah.

And is it that kind of stuff?

Yeah, it may be.

Yeah.

Yeah.

Because like Miranda Sings.

I remember that.

It was a book.

Oh, yeah.

I found that at a thrift store and I was like.

I don't even think this is good enough to give away as a prize.

What was her apology song?

The toxic gossip train?

No.

Oh, I forgot she did that.

Because she had

she'd done things with fans or something.

Yeah, like she, wasn't she like some sort of a perv?

Some sort of grooming or whatever.

Yeah.

And the song went, the toxic gossip train,

headed down the rails of misinformation.

A bop.

They really do need to remix it.

Yeah, remember, I mean, we'll always remember where you were when you watched the episode of Comedians in Cars Getting Coffee with Miranda saying

I was on Crackle at the time.

Oh, yeah.

Yeah, like kids don't care if it's a crackle star that's putting out a book, right?

I don't think they're what.

I think Jerry Seinfeld was the only crackle.

He was the crackle star.

Yeah.

It must be so hard as a parent, just like going to the bookstore and being like, please read this book that I love.

And your kids are like, no.

I want to read the movie adaptation of Moana.

I try try to give my nephew books all the time.

I'm like, this book meant everything to me as a kid.

And he's just like, I want to read like,

yeah, some like

truck book.

I don't know.

My daughter

is reading.

Well, she just finished The Hunger Games,

and now she's reading.

We found the, she's seen the Princess Bride movie.

Oh, yeah.

And there's a Princess Bride book.

And I'm, I believe, I haven't read it, but I believe I heard it's not good.

The book?

Yeah.

Hmm.

It's the same writer.

Yeah.

And I just know that he wrote, he named the book Princess Bride because he asked his two daughters, what should I write a book about?

One of them was like a princess.

We always had a bride.

So it's like, Princess Bride, all right?

Easy peasy.

You should do that with your harlequin novels.

What should I write a book about, guys?

I'll smash it together.

Oh, yeah.

Okay.

I think it should be about a professor.

And I think it should be about

a horse.

Professor Professor Horse.

Oh, my God.

I mean, sex sells, man.

Professor Horse.

Yeah.

He could be.

Is it a Centaur?

Which one is horse body human?

It's a Centaur.

Okay, so is the top half a professor and the bottom half a horse or the reverse?

Up to you.

Yeah, you're the rider.

Top half horse, bottom half professor.

So a minotaur.

Horse head, but like tweed jacket.

And he can talk.

He can talk in perfect English or does he need to.

He wears a monocle, but only nays.

This is good.

Dave, what's going on with you, my friend?

Well, you're not going to believe it.

I am.

I will.

I went to see the brutalist.

And this is a...

This is a movie that is a...

It won Best Picture at the Golden Globes for Dramatic Picture.

Yeah.

Amelia Perez, the great Amelia Perez won for Comedy musical.

And this is a movie that is about, well, here's the thing.

I thought this was a biopic.

It's about a fake guy.

Oh, God.

He's not real?

If you thought Tar was real,

I feel for you.

I knew Tar was fake.

I thought this guy was real because I don't know anything about brutalism.

Yeah, me neither.

Me neither.

Like, it's a type of art.

architecture.

Yeah.

Yeah.

I guess.

I don't know.

I didn't learn anything.

So it's the story story of Adrian Brody.

It's a cool, the soundtrack's cool.

When does this take place?

This takes place in the 50s.

Okay.

And

post-war.

So he leaves, he's Jewish.

Yeah.

He leaves

post-war.

He leaves Europe, comes to America, and

he has some family in America.

They get him on his feet.

And then he...

gets discovered by

this rich guy who is like, hey, I, well, first he got hired to build this rich guy a library

when he worked for his family.

And then the rich guy got mad.

And then the rich guy reconsidered and was like, actually, you're a great guy.

You're a brutalist.

You're the brutalist.

You're a great.

You're the great guy.

I want you to build a community center in honor of my mother.

Okay.

Who died.

And then he's like, so here's how it's going to be.

Design it for me.

I love it.

So they start building this thing.

Adrian Brody's wife is back in Europe and his niece.

And they are about to come over, or he's trying to get them to come over.

And then the rich guy's like,

we can get your wife and niece over.

And so

they eventually, well,

he starts building the building.

And

back in Europe, he was a great architect.

He built the Budapest Library.

Oh, and so.

But that didn't really happen.

That's right.

You suckered me.

But are there a lot of scenes of him drawing architecture?

Not enough.

Okay.

It's not enough about,

like, I wanted to learn something.

I wanted to like, I wanted him to.

He's four hours long.

What did they talk about?

I wanted him to build 20 buildings.

Yeah.

That then you could go see.

Yes.

Or at least Wikipedia.

wikipedia yeah and then sucks and then the but the first half he's like building stuff he's he's getting on his feet uh

and then intermission the intermission ruled yeah

what happens during the intermission those little cartoon foods like marching by like let's all go to the lobby it's just his wedding photo and then a 15 minute countdown okay because i didn't know there'd be a countdown and i didn't get any uh popcorn at the beginning because i just had lunch yeah and so, at intermission, I raced out to get popcorn.

I come back to my seat, I see a 15-minute counter, I'm like, Oh, maybe I'll get another bag.

I finished my bag in the 15 minutes.

Um, yeah, because the only movie I've ever seen that has that was the Hateful Eight, is that what it's called?

Oh, yeah, that's good, yeah.

And it was it was perfect because everybody was like, Hey, what do you think?

Because it was like, Who's the who's the guy who's done it?

So, people were discussing, oh, I think it might be this person.

Well, you know, it might be that.

Yeah, everyone was like, Who's the brutalist?

I think it's that guy.

But yeah, the first half,

the music's great.

There's like some really cool shots, but this movie is too long.

It just does not need to be four hours.

And does Adrian Brody do one of his patented

Rasta Man, yeah?

He kisses Hallie Berry against her will.

Yeah.

He, yeah, there's just too many, like,

like, oh, there's so, so many shots.

They're like, there's no editing in this.

It's just a really long shot and a long performance.

Edit it.

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Speed it up, man.

That's like something I noticed about like watching movies from the 70s is they'll show like an entire sequence of somebody walking down every single step.

You're like, oh, come on, man.

I only need to see the one step.

And then I

star wipe and cut to the scene.

There's a few hand jobs.

And okay, all right.

Just

my attention.

Yeah.

It's sort of like Rushmore,

and then there's like

yeah, the back half

didn't uh it land for me, yeah.

And then I looked up because I didn't know anything about it going in, right?

I was like, I'm gonna, I'm here to learn.

Okay, I don't know who wrote it, I don't know who directed it, I don't know, uh, I don't know who Adrian Brody is,

and um, I don't know anything about brutalism, still don't.

Yeah,

it's a type, it's like a type of architecture.

Yeah.

It's ugly.

I mean, I mean, I guess I am the beholder.

Yeah.

I think the most famous brutalist buildings are like quite

imposing.

Right.

And like.

But wait, isn't it supposed to be like the Empire State Building or something?

But is that, it's not real, though.

Like, well, he doesn't build the Empire State Building in this.

Here's, let's look at some examples from Wikipedia.

Oh,

like kind of like gray.

Toronto apartment building.

Yeah, maybe Arthur Erickson style.

Like he's maybe the Canadian equivalent.

My elementary school looked like the first slide of this.

It had real concrete vibes.

Yeah, in the movie, someone's like, we should use marble for this.

And the brutalist is like,

concrete's cheaper.

Concrete lasts a long time.

So, yeah, that's...

And then I looked up who wrote and directed it.

And it's like, did you see the movie Funny Games?

Yes.

And there's the two guys who are the home invaders.

And one is Michael Pitt, and he's like the handsome, charming one.

And then there's his Weasel Little Buddy.

Yeah.

Weasel Little Buddy.

Oh, really?

Yeah.

Is he Danish?

No, no, no.

And the American one?

Oh, in the American one.

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Okay.

I know who you're talking about.

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Wow.

But I was the whole time afterwards, I was like, this guy made it?

This movie, am I going to have to deal with this guy's movies for the rest of it?

This guy thinks it felt like pretentious.

Like, I was like, this guy thinks he found some meaning in this movie by making it long.

Yeah.

It was like,

I saw a movie called

Swiss Army Boy, man.

Swiss Army.

Is that the one with Daniel Radcliffe?

And he is dead.

Yes.

Yeah.

And I saw it in the theater.

I was like, these guys think they're being so cool.

They're a dumb little premise.

And then they made everything everywhere all at once.

Yeah.

And then they went to the Oscar and it's like, all right, well, I was wrong on the wrong side of history here.

I might be wrong about this guy, but

something rubs the wrong way about.

Just like.

Maybe I won't see it.

I recommend it.

Yeah.

I'll bring a cooler to the theater.

Honestly, the

intermission, every movie should have an intermission.

Absolutely.

Like, that was so...

re-energizing.

It re-energized me to hate the second half of the movie.

I liked the first half.

Make no mistake.

I liked the first half.

But you wish you just got some popcorn and walked out the door.

Probably should have.

I wonder what happened to the Brutalist.

We'll never know.

Did you think you might see it?

Just because it's close by.

Yeah, it's close by.

This was on a snowy day.

Yeah, like, I feel like if I had an afternoon to just kill, I would probably go see it because it seems like it's a time killer.

It feels like something you would like as your Albert Knob's brain.

Like, oh, this seems important.

I know.

But I have a policy that I will not see a movie that's over three hours long.

Yeah.

I just can't.

I have never seen the sound of music for that reason.

Wow, is it longer than three hours?

With commercial breaks.

Or maybe it's not.

I just remember as a kid being like, two VHSs.

No thanks.

Yeah.

Yeah.

Did you like Titanic?

I didn't know.

That should have had an intermission.

That should have had an intermission.

I think I was also like more like Billy Zane in that movie.

What's wrong with me?

I rejected Lego.

Yeah.

You're like Legozamo, Zane.

Yeah, when I saw it as a Zebra.

You saw Catch Me If You Can, and you were like, oh, I love Christopher Walker.

Yeah, when I saw it as a teenager, I left in the middle of it and went and played a video game in the lobby.

Titanic?

Yeah, okay.

Because it hadn't got to the singing part yet.

And I was less interested in the love story.

Oh, yeah.

The singing, whatever.

Celine Dion song?

Oh, sinking.

Oh, sinking.

Sinking.

Oh okay.

Waiting like just

waiting for that closing turn.

I still haven't seen Titanic.

Really?

Yeah.

Whoa seriously?

Seriously, man.

It's not bad.

Yeah, it's good.

There's a good Zane picture.

When that guy falls off the boat and hits the propeller, that's pretty cool.

I have seen that.

I have seen that.

And there's,

you know, there's like,

it becomes an action film halfway through it.

Yeah, it feels like it's so long it has to be it.

Like Jurassic Park is like the first half of Jurassic Park is like, oh, look at these amazing dinosaurs.

What could go wrong?

Yeah, I

have sex in a car, if you can believe it.

Yeah, yeah, I do.

Like, I know all this.

Yeah.

It's not a movie you would watch with a kid, but you know, teen, keep it in the vault for a teen, Margo, or Poppy.

Sure.

Although, do teens like a guy like Leonardo Caprio anymore?

Yeah, I don't know.

I mean, he likes them.

Yeah, okay.

Well, no, skip it.

I'm not going to watch it.

No,

I think you should see.

You haven't seen any of the movies I recommend.

You haven't seen Monkey Man.

Well, because

it's far.

What's the last one you saw in the theater?

Wicked was the last one.

Do you only go to close movies?

I like that.

Like, you won't travel to see a movie.

Where you live on a.

I do live on a train line.

A train line that takes you right to a movie theater.

So it is speaks to my laziness more than that.

Yeah.

Maybe I'll go to one this weekend.

Yeah.

I got some time.

I recommend the brutalist.

What's going on with you?

So last week,

I went up to White Horse UConn.

Ooh, fun.

Yeah.

Have you been?

I've never been.

I always wanted to go to the UConn, but I have never been.

It's much as you imagine it.

And it's a lot of fun.

It stays light, very short during the winter.

And so on the way to going to Whitehorse on the train, I wait.

You took a train there?

Took the train to the airport, rather.

Oh, here.

Yeah, here.

I took the train to the airport.

On the train, I forgot my cell phone.

Fell out of my pocket, and I didn't retrieve it.

And I knew as soon as I got off the train, I was like, I don't have my phone.

And I turned around and the doors were just closing.

Oh, you left it on the

train.

I could see it it from the the out on the so it's like okay well there's it's gone i was like there's no uh situation in which i'd be taking a train and somebody would drop it off somewhere and i'd be able to find it so and i had to catch a flight oh my god so it's like wait so you at the airport yeah i left it on the train that then went but that stop stays there for like a couple minutes doesn't it i think i didn't realize it as quite as close as i'm thinking but uh, because I went down an escalator and I was like, oh shit, oh, okay, you're with that phone.

And then I went and I could see it and it went away.

And so I was like, okay, well, I'm fucked.

And so I was like, well, I don't have a phone.

So I'm just going to have to go the weekend without a phone.

In another city?

In another city.

And so, and it was like, I had to use courtesy phones.

I had to ask people for the time.

What's courtesy phones?

So like in the airport, like information desk.

Oh, they had like a phone.

And so, I called my wife and said, I've lost my phone.

And then I called my phone, and a guy had found it.

And he picked it up and he was like, I can, I can wait, you know, I can give it to you.

And I was like, I'm out of town for a couple of days.

My wife went and got it, retrieved it from this man, very nice man, student at UBC.

But man, not having a phone.

Did he want a reward?

Uh, well, if you wanted, you didn't say,

but uh, it's weird, man.

It is weird not having a phone.

I had a laptop, but...

Was it great?

Part of it was great.

Part of it was great.

What do you stare at until you fall asleep?

The void?

Laptop.

But like.

But you can't bring your laptop in the shower.

No, that's true.

But you can bring your phone in the shower.

But like, I bought a magazine because I was like, what am I going to do on the plane?

It's like a three-hour flight.

So I, yeah.

What magazine?

New Yorker.

Nice.

I feel like it was New Yorker or men's health, but I felt like everybody just smirk if I was wearing

men's health.

Sky doesn't know anything about it.

Um, so yeah, it was

men's health just muscles, or is it like get a colonoscopy?

Damn you,

top-ten reasons to get a colonoscopy.

It's time

how to make your colonoscopy as pleasurable as possible.

Um, but yeah, so it was like three, got there on Thursday night.

So, Thursday, Friday, Saturday, came back on Sunday.

That's crazy.

Oh my God.

Well, it became this thing where it's like, okay, I have to get a paper ticket.

I have to go find the check-in

for the paper ticket and get a paper ticket and then

like go through security and then just be like, well, I don't know if the person that's opening for me, I have no idea where she is.

Oh, yeah.

And

so I.

Oh, you traveled with your opener?

Yeah, Randy Neumeier was my opener for

the whole flight.

We were like, can I look at your phone?

Are you using your phone right now?

When I was at the airport on the way home, we were delayed by six hours.

And so I called Sally and I said,

I had to borrow one of the agents' phone.

Oh, wow.

Because he's like, there's a payphone over there.

And then I went to use it.

It would not work at all.

Only certain buttons worked.

So I went back and was like, the payphone's broken.

Can I have to borrow, like, to borrow a phone, which I like, when is the last time you had to use somebody else's phone for anything?

And he was like, yeah, it was nice that he did it.

I don't even like using my wife's phone.

That's the thing.

Like, you could tell he kind of got the ick by having an order to make it.

Don't look the photos.

Don't look at the photos.

Can you just use the speakerphone, please?

Yeah.

Yeah.

Don't put it up to the side of your head, which is, I showed it on that, actually.

But yeah,

and not knowing the time that was the thing that was the weirdest thing is like just how many minutes till flight uh and then same with going back we were delayed i was like i have no idea if we've been here two hours we've been here three hours because i wear a watch and i i but it's like not perfect and every you know seven or eight days i'm like oh this thing's two minutes off but so

Now I'm in the habit of like, okay, so it is now 1.13 according to my watch.

Let me check my phone.

Oh, and that's like a regular watch.

That's not even like an Apple watch.

Wow.

Oh, that's a classic watch.

Yeah, an Apple watch would be.

It's closer to a phone.

Is it battery or windy?

Windy.

Oh, yeah.

Was this the one where the guy was like being so meticulous?

Oh, that's a different one.

But it's automatic, it's called.

It winds automatically with the movement of my wrist.

Cool.

Seiko, number one in watches.

Yeah, I haven't worn a watch

probably

for yet 20, 25 years or whatever.

Do you know what your heart rate is?

I didn't.

I didn't know that.

I couldn't check my heart rate.

But like not having something to do, like the only New Yorker magazine that I could buy was half puzzles.

So I was like doing puzzles.

And I was like, this doesn't pass the time the way that I had hoped it would.

Everybody's looking at their phone.

I got the laptop and used the worst Wi-Fi I've ever used.

And yeah, anyways, it was like, it was like being in the 90s.

Like, it was just like everything you did was analog all of a sudden.

Whoa, I mean, I have a bunch of friends that are, have you ever heard of The Artist's Way?

No.

Oh, is that like, do you do your morning pages?

Yeah.

So, and, like, I mean, one chapter, and it's like this, I guess, self-help book or something.

It's like, go on this journey to become a better artist or whatever.

But, um, one of the chapters is like, you have to go.

I guess it was written in like the 80s.

So it was like, don't watch TV or listen to the radio for a week.

But now it translates to like, don't use your phone, don't read anything.

It's basically don't read anything for the whole week.

And so I have friends that are just like going like phone list and like internetless for like a whole week.

And they're, it's like, are they using the term raw dogging?

Oh, I raw dogged.

I just raw dogged this last week.

Yeah.

But it's so obnoxious.

Like everyone's just like, I just feel cleaner.

I'm sure they're right.

Well, yeah, yeah, yeah.

I'm not doing it.

I, so I stare at my phone until I fall asleep most nights.

Yeah.

And then,

and I usually have one headphone in listening to a podcast.

Some days I'm like, okay, I feel like I'm on the verge of falling asleep in the next 10 minutes.

I'm going to put my phone down.

But otherwise, I am literally looking at it until my like wrist,

like I'm so asleep that my wrist is like.

flopping over.

And when I have that 10 minutes without the phone before I fall asleep, I'm like, aren't I good?

Aren't I like the primal man?

But like, I have an uncle that's completely, doesn't have a computer, doesn't have a phone.

And the only thing is, like, if you need to get a hold of him in an emergency, you can't.

Oh, yeah.

So, like, we were like, at least have a flip phone so that in case there's an emergency, we can just call you instead of like trying to figure out when you're going to be at home.

Is this your uncle George?

He was like, why do they call it a flip phone?

It doesn't flip.

No, that's my, I think my uncle Gerald.

Sorry.

Jerome.

I was trying to make it into like, why do you flip on the phone?

And phone on the flip.

Well, I don't know if you guys know.

Do you remember like Greg Toomey from 22 Medition who I'm talking about?

Yeah.

So like, I used to work with him and he did not have a phone.

He like lost it at a Mahon's concert in like 1994 or something like that.

So like, I was like, I don't have a phone.

And like, so anytime you want to get a hold of him, you just can't.

And I would be like trying to do work stuff with him and be like, oh, let's collab on this sketch.

And you would just like, have to just wait until he would email you from an internet cafe or something.

It was just the funniest thing ever.

Like he was just off the grid.

And I respect that.

I respect it until it becomes inconvenient for everybody else.

Oh, like if you're like that.

It's great for someone like that who I don't need.

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Yeah.

Oh, he's off over there doing his thing.

But

I need to collaborate on this Google Doc right now.

Yeah.

And it's like,

you hear stories about like Bill Murray.

Like, oh, you can't get a hold of Bill Murray.

And I'm like, is that supposed to be charming or cool?

You have to call his line.

Yeah.

Like, didn't you have to call like...

800 number.

Yeah.

Yeah.

And like Lost in Translation,

Sophia Kovale, like, didn't know if he was going to show up.

Like, they had everything ready to go.

And they're like, maybe he doesn't.

Yeah, if he doesn't show up, we got to use, you know, Jamie Kennedy.

That's next in line.

And what if he can't do it?

I don't know.

They can't do it.

No one can.

Everybody say your favorite Jamie Kennedy movie.

Mask two.

Sorry.

One, two, three, mask two.

Is it Son of the Mask?

Because they use the Son of the Mask.

Yeah.

No, you know what your favorite Jamie Kennedy movie is?

Romeo and Juliet.

Oh.

Isn't he one of the.

Yeah.

Oh, yeah.

Oh, my God.

Him, Leguazzamo, Harold Perrino.

Who's Harold Perrin?

Yeah, he was on Lost, Black Guy.

Oh, yeah.

Yeah.

Handsome.

The whole cast is handsome.

Pete Postlethwaite.

Loved him.

Remember?

Remember him?

Oh, was Paul Sorvino one of the dads?

Oh.

I know he's Amir Sorvino's dad.

He's passed, right?

I think so.

Yeah.

He cut that garlic so thin.

And he, I have a friend who worked with him on set on a Christmas movie where he was playing Santa.

And he would have meetings with the cast and talk about working with Scorsese.

But it was like, yeah, but we're like dressed like elves.

Like, like, this is where this ended up.

You see, like, it's great that you met him.

Paul Rudd?

Jamie Cannon.

Paul Rudd is it?

Yeah.

He's in the, at the costume party.

I think he's an astronaut.

Oh, yeah.

Nice.

Wow.

All-star cast.

Good cast.

M.M.

at Walsh.

Oh, yeah, yeah.

What's the lady there?

Second row, second from the right.

Yeah, who's that?

That's Miriam Margolis.

Oh, I love her.

She's so sassy.

Was she the one who

is she British?

Yeah, she was.

And she was telling people not to like Harry Potter, like grow out of outgrow Harry Potter.

Yeah.

But she was like, yeah, calling at all these kids.

Like, stop being weird.

Yeah.

It's a kid's book.

You're a grown-up now.

Yeah.

Anyway, so if you're not a Hufflepuff, you're an accountant.

Also, calling somebody on the phone is very weird.

Yeah.

Yeah.

Like,

it's weird.

It's something that I haven't done probably

unless on speakerphone for work.

Yeah.

I haven't called anybody.

What about your parents?

We'll do a video call.

We'll do a Zoom.

Yeah.

But like, text, text.

Everybody text.

My parents call.

Do they?

They're callers.

They're the gen, they're generally, or they show up.

Oh, yeah, the pop-in.

Sure.

Um, well, do you guys want to move on to some overheard?

Yeah.

Yeah.

Let me just look at my phone.

The following are real reenactments of pretend emergency calls.

911.

My husband.

It's my husband.

Calm down, please.

What about your husband?

He looks the dishwasher wrong.

Please help.

Please help me.

Where are you now, ma'am?

At the kitchen table, I was with my dad.

He mispronounces words intentionally.

There are plenty of podcasts on the hunt for justice, but only one podcast has the courage to take on the silly crimes.

Judge John Hodgman, the only true crime podcast that won't leave you feeling sad and bad and scared for once.

Only on maximumfun.org.

Big E is a former WWE champion.

He spent 10 years at the top sharing the ring with John Cena and Roman Reigns.

So, what's next?

When I retire, I'm going to move to the desert.

I'm going to delete all my socials.

I'm going to disappear.

Y'all will never hear from me again.

I'm going to sit on the couch, chill, and live my life.

From the legendary tag team, The New Day, it's Big E on Tites and Fights.

I feel like I need to listen to a few episodes that you guys have because this was really enjoyable.

So, thank you so much for your time.

Oh, yes.

Oh, yes.

Available on Maximum Fun or wherever you get your podcasts.

Overheard.

Overheard.

It's a segment where if you hear it, we want to hear it too.

It's only fair.

And we always like to start with the guest.

Heidi, do you have an overheard?

Yeah.

Okay.

This is from a few weeks ago.

I live in LA with my roommate, is comedian Andrew Johnston.

I don't know who

him.

Yeah, yeah.

So we're roomies, adult roommates.

But yeah, like, so as you, you might have heard that everything in LA was on fire.

Yes.

And so during the fires, we're like, kind of just like in shock, like, wow, we could see it in the distance.

So we went to our balcony and we were just kind of watching.

And then we saw this woman that lives across the street from us is like so loud.

And she's got a bunch of kids and she's always screaming at them.

I mean, we tend to ignore it, but like to this day, she was just like screaming at her kid.

And then she was just like yelling at him.

Like, I can't remember what his name was, but it was was like, oh, like, say it's like Charlie, like, and she's just like, Charlie, like,

go outside and play with your shirt.

And we were like, what?

And then this kid runs outside and just starts tossing his shirt in the air and catching it.

And we were like, what the hell is happening?

So, anyway, yeah, that happened.

He just played with his shirt for a bit and then

went back in.

By the eighth hour of not having a phone, that's what you expected.

Yeah, you do.

I find like your imagination picks up where you left off

as a teen or whenever you got a phone.

I love that.

I love everything about that kid.

Oh, yeah.

Remember when you had a phone and it just made phone calls?

Yeah.

Whoa.

Yeah, I had one towards, I think, at the end of high school.

I had a, but it was a big, chunky thing.

And then got like the tinier.

I miss it.

I missed it.

I didn't have one until 2002 and I was finished college.

And I, But it was like, you could play snake on it.

Oh, yeah.

But you'd have to be really bored.

Yeah.

Oh, yeah.

Up until like 2010 or 2011, like I was just inheriting.

I was so broke.

So I was just inheriting phones from like my dad.

And he had a palm pilot with a stylus.

And so like, I was like walking around in 2010, just like poking at my phone with a stylus.

And like.

people would be like, oh, I saw you on the street today.

I thought, I wasn't sure if it was you, but then I saw you whip out your stylist.

Uh, there's a very uh movie about Blackberry.

I was just gonna say, Did you see the Blackberry movie?

Did you see it?

Oh, yeah, I loved it.

I just loved the scene when they announced the iPhone, and then he shows up with like a better like scrolling bar.

We're not cooked yet.

Um, Dave, you have nowhere heard?

Yeah, kind of.

This is not really fair.

It was from my child, and um,

my daughter, Poppy, had her friend Isabel over for a sleepover this weekend.

What a great combo of names.

Poppy and Isabel?

Well,

wait till you hear this.

And she was very excited for the sleepover, and she was like, We got to get some snacks.

And can we please get popcorn, MMs, and

cheese puffs?

And

we were like, okay, sure.

And she said, because we're going to mix popcorn, MMs, and cheese puffs, and we're going to call it Poppy and Isabel's Yum Yum Remix.

Also, you know, I give them Chicago mix.

Yeah,

yeah, that'll blow their minds.

By the way,

that's great.

Now I want to make yum yum remix.

The problem is the MMs all sink to the bottom of the bowl.

Oh, yeah.

It's not like.

When I saw the brutalist and I got my popcorn at the intermission, I was a little embarrassed because I got back to my seat and I was, I also got peanut MMs and I was pouring them on top.

And my hands were full, so I was doing that on the floor.

Like

I was resting the popcorn on the floor and pouring

the M ⁇ Ms in.

And then a guy walks down my aisle to get back to his seat and I was like, sorry.

Yes, I'm doing the

weird childish thing for this movie, this four-hour not fun movie.

Adorable.

Were they watching the Brutalist when they were having their sleepover remix?

They were not.

But I will say, if you do it in a popcorn bag at the movies,

you get the M ⁇ Ms in everybody.

Yeah, yeah.

I do the M ⁇ Ms.

You just have to turn it upside down and make sure that it gets in there.

And then it's like a little treasure hunt where you're like eating five.

Oh, I find a little bit.

But then you get to the bottom and you're like, There's no more M ⁇ Ms in here.

I don't even want this anymore.

How about you, Overheard Boy?

This comes to me from Whitehorse.

I was walking to the convenience store from the hotel, and there was a guy standing there that asked if I would buy him a bottle of booze, which was at the place next door.

And I was like, Was he a teenager or just a guy who wanted a bottle of booze?

He was a guy who wanted a bottle of booze.

He wanted me to buy it.

He didn't want me to pay for it

because he said the guy at the liquor store won't sell me any booze.

So I was like, okay.

He was an adult.

So we walked over there and I got him whatever it was in Mickey of Vodka or whatever.

And

we're walking with him back towards the hotel.

And then he stopped and said, yeah, I'm going to go climb that mountain.

I just walked away.

Gonna go to the top of that mountain.

I was like, well, yeah.

Well, it's nightfall and it's minus 20.

And if that's what booze does for you, great.

You get drunk and then climb a hill.

But But yeah,

he was such a nice guy.

I just think he had a bad reputation or something.

And wouldn't the liquor store just wouldn't even let him in the door.

And he, yeah, like he wasn't, it just seemed like a nice.

And I, as a kid, had so many adults buy booze for me that I felt like

you need to buy it for an adult.

Yeah, and I should also, if a teen ever comes up to me and asks me to buy a vape for them or smokes, I should probably do it.

Yeah.

I don't think they can.

They're getting by.

I'm not seeing a lot of kids waiting outside.

No, I think their IDs are so much better now.

Or they buy it online.

Oh, yeah.

I guess you can just buy it online.

Yeah, if it was like, if you just ordered like a booze basket of the month.

Yeah.

Or DoorDash me a vape.

Feel me a grape.

DoorDash me a vape.

Now we also have overheards sent into us by people from all over the map.

If you want to send one in, send it into sby at maximafun.org.

And this is overseen from

a few years ago in the Burbs, maybe Port Coquitlam.

A restaurant called Unforgettable.

That's great.

I love it.

It's got both faux and bowl in it.

And in the same strip mall, two other pun businesses, Peta Pan and Hemp Hemp Hooray.

What was Pita Pan?

Like Peter Pan.

Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.

I was picturing a pan of pitas and I was like, well, that's not a pun.

But it sounds delicious.

It's not a pita pun.

But you're right, it is Peter Pan.

So, anyways, I don't know if those exist anymore, but I do love a pun.

Oh, yeah.

There was one that I took a picture of

a gym, and it was Jimmy spelt with Jim.

Buff fit.

Yeah.

That sounds fantastic.

What's that?

That was in the Naimo, I think.

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Great.

He's not just Margaritavilles.

He's doing gyms now,

It's the only gym that encourages you to get drunk.

They have a happy hour.

This next one comes from Aaron S.

Doesn't say from where, but a Max Fun member.

Oh, great.

Well, we appreciate your support.

One frigid Sunday on a commercial city block, they're really setting the scene here.

Take notes.

Yeah, one horny Sunday.

I walked past a young couple and their smallest shaggy dog.

Because of the cold, they were moving at a purposeful pace.

The first person walked by me, but the other person's arm was suddenly sent backward as the dog stopped to give the steps a closed office sign some good sniffs.

That person looked at the door, gently pulled the dog away, said, You don't need a chiropractor.

Come on, you know, but he probably might have seen bones, like a spine.

Oh, no, no, no, no, no, yeah, dogs love bones.

My dog's favorite TV show is Bones.

Stars, David Foreane's and Emily DeChanel.

Do you have two dogs?

Do they eat bones?

They eat bones, yeah.

They're always digging holes in the yard and burying their bones.

You know it'd be crazy if somebody named their dog one of the old dog names like Rex or Fire.

Yeah, Rover.

Yeah, Rover.

You have a dog?

No, I want one so bad.

I like that name, though, Rover.

We live in a place.

Yeah, Rover's not bad.

Yeah.

There's a dog walking app called Rover, I think.

Mm, makes sense.

Because you rove.

Sure.

You live in a place that you can't have a dog.

That's my situation.

Oh, yeah.

I don't.

Yeah.

My place doesn't allow dogs and I don't have the lifestyle for a dog, but I want one so bad.

Yeah.

Yeah.

Well, maybe things will, you never know what's going around the corner, you know?

It's like the plane thing.

Like, I

want a dog, but I fly around so much that I'm just like, oh, God.

Like, I'm like, can I have a service dog?

Like, how, what does your situation need to be like where you can like qualify to have a service dog?

I know plenty of people who have fake service dogs.

Yeah.

Yeah.

I feel like I was doing a show last week and somebody brought their dog, which was incredibly cute but a little dog and she said it was a service dog i was like it's not wearing any idea

there's some like emotional support like it's not service but you can they're the ones that you see on planes i think are largely emotional support dogs well done get some kind of online they take an online emotional support course

because like i'd buy a seat for my dog if he could come like i wouldn't have to sit next to teens yeah that's true unless the dog wants the aisle and you want the window, put a teen in between you.

But you'd still have to body shame your dog.

You don't play water polo.

I feel like my, because often I'll be on a plane and then two husky men will also be in the same row as me.

So three husky boys.

And I feel like if you get

if you're on a plane and there's a husky man,

what are we talking about?

Is this a dog?

Okay, whatever.

Whatever.

Sorry.

This last one comes from Siri, Siri, spelled like the

Siri's written in before.

She's from Victoria with an overseen.

I'm a teacher, and the elementary school that I was working at had a scholastic book fair.

Do you guys remember scholastic book fair?

Yeah, we still have it.

Yeah.

Oh, they do?

Oh, that's awesome.

Is that like, is it still.

It's only YouTubers' books.

Yeah.

Yeah.

It's, you know, how to get buff like Jake Paul.

Yeah.

Just a bottle of prime.

Teacher at elementary school, scholastic book fair.

One kid in my class had bought one of those spy pens that writes in invisible ink and you color over it with another pen to reveal the message.

You guys remember this?

Oh, yeah.

No.

No?

I imagine it.

Secret ink was a, whenever you get your hands on that.

The kids had been writing notes with it all afternoon.

And when I was walking past somebody's cubby, I saw a little note that had already been revealed and it just said, you love butts.

The secret's out.

Yeah, that could have been about anyone

the big things I've noticed is at the scholastic book fair is they now I mean the kids get sent to school with like 10 bucks right they want to spend every single penny of it yeah so they'll get a book or they won't but then in the last minute oh I can get an eraser I can get two erasers oh I can get this little pencil case yeah they just want they want to have no change left over I remember the big thing aside from books was cool bookmarks that that featured

ninja turtles and elf and whatnot.

Well I was just watching a documentary on the plane.

Do you guys remember Lisa Frank?

I remember of her.

Oh yeah, she did like a lot of like pencil cases and like duo tags and stuff and it was just like an insanely colorful elephant and like you know big-eyed dolphin.

Anyway, like, but uh she's like the brutalist.

It's just basically about how like horrible and corrupt her company was.

And I'm just like, oh wow.

I would love to see the brutalist.

But instead of designing a building, he's like,

I mean, he's Lisa Franklin.

He's a unicorn on a

brutalist, but for stickers.

On a Trapper Keeper.

Oh, there's like no movies about stickers that I can think of.

Is there a movie about stickers?

There's a one sticker movie in Forrest Cump where he

said he invents the shit happens, bumper sticker.

Oh, yeah, that's true.

Yeah.

That is a good sticker movie moment.

Anybody listening out there, send in your best sticker movie recommendations.

Well, in addition to overheards that are written, and we also accept your phone calls, if you want to call us, our phone number is 1-844-779-7631.

That's one

spypod one,

like these people have.

Hi, this is Yelena filming in from Edmonton with an overseam.

It's a mythy plate number.

No, it's not.

It's a bumper sticker, and it said, If you funk at me, I'm going to kill myself.

Jesus.

Wow.

Boy, it really started out like a classic bumper sticker and then really took a turn there.

Holy cow.

Sure.

I mean, don't honk at that car.

I mean, I do feel that way.

So I used to feel that way when I was like unsure of myself.

Yeah.

I was like, oh, every driver's smarter than me.

They know I should have gone there.

That's why they're honking.

I still get it.

If I'm like taking a left and then somebody honks behind me, I'm like, but there are other cars, but maybe this guy knows something I don't.

I'm now very much like, I got my steering wheel, you got your steering wheel.

You can't turn mine.

You're going to control your own damn steering wheel.

Do you drive in LA?

No, I don't have, I have a license, but I can only drive in PEI.

Like, I only have the confidence to drive in Prince Edward Island.

So like, I've never driven in Toronto, never driven in LA.

Like, it's too scary there.

So I just like Uber everywhere, which probably contributes to why I hate LA.

I've had so many Ubers.

Yeah, and I mean, it's so expensive, and I just like, I can't get around.

Like, I walk places, but it's kind of people don't love driving in LA either.

Well, this is true.

Yeah.

But I think it would help if I did have a license just to, like, I don't know, rent a car and, like, go someplace better than LA.

Do you not have the license anymore?

Is it just not valid there?

It's a I have it, but I know I renew it, like, clockwork every four years.

But again, like, I've only ever driven on, like, a two-lane highway on, like, a red dirt room.

Yeah.

Yeah.

I the thing I never learned, because in Calgary, it didn't matter, is parallel parking.

It didn't.

Because it's, there's no,

except maybe, maybe if you're downtown, but everything has a parking lot.

Like, it's

the thing I never learned was going off jumps.

I'd also never learned that thing where you go on two wheels.

Oh, yeah, yeah.

And today's class is jumps.

Yes.

You practice in a parking lot going off a jump.

There's not like a ditch you're jumping over.

All right.

Here's your next phone call.

Hello, Dave, Graham, and possible guests.

This is DJ calling in from Denver, Colorado.

I was on my way home from work and I saw a car with a bumper sticker that said, If you honker me, I'll kill myself.

That's it.

Wow.

Wow.

Wow.

So this car is getting a wreck.

Wow.

That's insane.

I don't think it's the same car.

But was this how, like, when the phone calls...

Edmonton and Denver.

Denver, yeah.

I think were the calls.

But like, I guess you can buy it from some website.

Yeah, you can buy

bumper stickers online now.

Yeah.

Which is, you know what, the past weekend?

Didn't buy any bumper stickers, not a single one.

I like picturing it like the, it's the car and not the driver.

Like the car will kill itself.

That's true.

It is the car talking.

Do you think you buy it?

Where did you buy them before the internet?

Like truck stops?

Truck stops are like novelty shops.

Had a lot of.

Sometimes, yeah, I'll see someone standing outside of the truck stop and they're like, hey, can you go in there and buy a barber sticker farmer?

They won't sell them to me.

It's funny, like, do you see

lots of cars still with stickers?

My landlord, one of the places places I lived at, was plastered with like coexist and, you know, save clackwat sound and all this stuff.

Oh, wow.

Yeah, which is, I think, the last time I saw a car that had stickers.

Oh, I see them all the time.

Do you?

Yeah.

What kind of stickers?

Like, snowboard?

I feel like I see a lot of ski ones.

There was a bunch.

There were some like Harry Styles stickers that are like, Harry Styles is a war hero or something.

I need to get some John Leguizamo stickers.

If we're putting crushes on our cars now.

If you honk, I'll kill John Leguizamo.

I'm the Manchurian candidate, and this is the

honk is the signal.

All right, here's your final phone call.

Hi, Davis, Graham, and lovely guest.

I am walking down the street, and I just passed a car, and it has a yellow bumper sticker on it, and it says, honk if you love a good Gregorian channel.

Oh, nice.

Picture of a monk in a robe next to it.

And

which i was driving so i could all right uh off we go that's so funny oh my god good twist at the end yeah oh if i had gotten three you would have heard them

yeah it's one of those things where like do monks and nuns drive oh it's one of those things like my brain

my brain we're just scanning the movie sister act like yeah did we ever see maggie smith driving in that yeah i feel like i think nuns are more likely to drive.

Right.

Do nuns typically have their own cars?

Yes, they can have a driver's license.

Nuns do need to get places and they don't have chauffeurs.

Yeah, but I feel like nuns on the bus is a thing or nuns on the run.

Thanks, Quora.

Sounds like a nun rode that.

Like nuns do need to get places.

Yeah, we know the stereotypes that we only live in convents and we don't do anything.

Yeah, I remember going to a laundromat and there was always a nun there doing

watching, I guess, her

habit.

And I remember sitting there and there was a small TV playing and it was wrestling and there was a guy that was called like the pimp daddy or whatever.

They said, here he comes with the ho train.

And it was just me and a nun watching about the ho train.

I don't see monks.

I don't see Gregorian monks at all around here.

I see Buddhist monks quite a bit.

Yeah, I've seen Buddhist monks.

I've seen, I know, somewhere in the States, there was like a classic brown robe tied around monk.

Was it the San Diego Padres game?

Nice.

I think they're

they had like a guy in a monk costume running around.

Um, well, that brings us to the end of this podcast.

Well, you're going to check something.

I was going to Google it, but uh, no Google it.

Okay.

I'm going to leave everybody hanging.

Mascot.

Yep, the swing and fry.

The swing and fry.

Oh, shit.

And that is classic monk haircut.

Look at his little sandals.

And he's got like, he's like a foam rubber costume guy.

Oh, that's so cool.

I thought you were just Joshing because they're...

Oh, they're the Padres.

No, it's.

Actual Padre.

Yeah, you got to love them.

Well, that brings us to this end of this here podcast.

Heidi, where can people find you?

Where can they enjoy it?

Your writing is so, so funny.

Can you find it online?

Can you find stuff, samples?

Not really.

Okay.

Tweets.

Do you do tweet?

Do you blue sky?

No, I'm off Twitter.

I'm off X.

I guess Instagram.

We should get off X.

Yeah, we should.

We're basically off X.

We just post the episode, but we're not going to do that anymore.

Yeah, I feel like

I get the same response both on X and Blue Sky.

Blue Sky for me has been a

uphill battle so far.

What's the most that any of your tweets have gotten?

gotten?

800, 900.

Mine?

16.

No, I think, I don't know.

I think I once got something retweeted by someone that got into the hundreds.

Nice.

Nice.

Look, it's

nice to have friends.

Well, so go to your Instagram, which is.

Oh, it's just at Heidi Brander.

Yeah, other than that, like, I'm no TikTok, nothing.

No, just Instagram.

Yeah.

Well, keep an eye out.

Would you, when you write these romance novels, do you go by your own name or pseudonym?

Ooh.

I'm going to go by Professor Horse.

A Professor Horse Mystery.

Well, thank you so much for being a guest.

Thank you for having me.

This is fun.

And thank you, all you out there.

You know what?

If you see a bumper sticker that says something, something, I'll do something to myself or something like that,

keep it to yourself.

And come on back next week for another episode of Stop Podcasting Yourself.

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