Episode 877 - Bita Joudaki

Hi, he's Dave Shumka.

And he's Graham Clark.

And together we host Stop Podcasting Yourself.

Woo!

Hello, everybody, and welcome to episode number 877 of Stop Podcasting Yourself.

My name is Graham Clark, and with me, as always, is a man they call Baby New Year, Mr.

Dave Shumka.

Look at his little tush.

Look at my what?

Baby New Year wears a diaper.

No, not in my mind.

Call the cop.

Yeah.

I'd like to report a fantasy

about a certain baby.

My friend was fantasizing that the baby new year was naked, but I think he's wearing a diaper.

We'll be right there.

We'll be right there.

But the, so I guess he does the baby new here

does he have like does he eventually put a diaper on i mean yeah he just knew he didn't he wasn't born with a diaper yeah but when you're born you basically you got a diaper on pretty soon because you got that what's the first poo called

there's a first our guest the first noel the uh there's a uh

muconium

yeah i know don't you know what i mean yeah and it's not it's different than what you're used to It's like tar.

Talking about

the movie.

Our guest today, a return guest to the podcast, she is a comedian.

She is a television writer.

She is an all-around wunderkind.

It's Bita Judaki.

Hello, Bita.

Hello.

Thanks for coming back on the show.

Thank you for allowing me back.

Yeah, we did have, this was controversial when we announced it to our fan base.

A lot of people were, there's a lot of consternation, but we said, we stand by B.

We stand by Beta through thick and thin.

Thank you.

I have a lot of opinions to express tonight.

I can't wait.

Let's get to know us then.

Get to know us.

Here we go.

Here comes the floodgates are about to open.

What do you got to say?

Immigrant.

I was in trouble for Baby New Year.

Oh, boy.

Here comes.

You just, that's the whole statement.

Bita, how you been?

I'm okay.

It's really warm.

But no, but I'm suffering.

It's good.

Dave offered to put on the AC.

And you specifically said you wanted to suffer.

And I said I wanted to suffer.

And you're wearing a sweater.

Yeah.

And it's

you've got a glow.

It's sweat, honey.

Is it always sweat?

Or is there a product that you can get that's like a shiny face shine?

I don't think so.

Oh, yeah.

Yeah.

Yeah, there's a lot of

products give you that like dewy, dewy shiny kind of thing.

The dewy decimal system.

I remember there was this SNL sketch in the late 90s, and I think it's very divisive because people think it's

bad.

But it was the super dreamy, like the Tiger Beat Super Duper Dreamy Love Show.

And it was...

It sounds bad so far.

Yeah, and it was

a bunch.

Oh, God, I watched it so many times.

But it was like Sarah Michelle Geller was the host, and it was all talking about like 90s, like boys, cute boys, and the Backstreet Boys, and Jonathan Taylor Thomas.

This is sounding even worse.

This is deteriorating.

As a premise,

you don't even, like, it's just a bunch of girls talking about boys.

Okay, right.

But you said it might be bad, and it feels like it's.

Well, no, it's bad.

The thing that's divisive about it is that, so it's...

They love Jonathan Taylor Thomas, and they get Norm McDonald comes on as a guy who directed a movie with Jonathan Taylor Thomas, like a made-for-TV movie, I believe, called Making Weight.

The story of like a high school wrestler.

And

his mustache keeps falling off, and it's divisive and bad because he's an old man who talks about how dreamy Jonathan Taylor Thomas is.

Oh, like Graham.

I don't have any opinions on JTT, all right?

I'm going into way too much detail on this.

Wait, why did you take it?

How did this come up?

And I'll tell you how it came up because we were talking about shiny faces.

But one of the sponsors of this show was for face gloss,

where lip gloss takes over, where lip gloss stops.

Well, they predicted that because that's like a beauty trend now.

Yeah.

Shiny face.

A lot of shine.

You got a bit of a shine.

It looks good.

Shut up.

No way.

Don't.

I'm just painting a picture for the audience.

Oh my god.

We normally take a picture of us with our guests, but I think I'm going to wait until you sweat sweat even more.

Oh, my.

Until your hands mattered down.

That's fine.

I don't care.

You look like Elaine at the bagel reds ruin.

And I want to.

Bita, since you were last on the podcast, you've become like a full-fledged TV writer.

Not really.

Yeah, right.

You're writing for a show that exists on the air in real life.

One of the only sits can be.

It's canceled, darling.

Is it really?

Yeah.

Because of something it said?

Because of something I said.

Is it really canceled?

Yeah, yeah.

Oh, my God.

I think I can say that.

It's been.

We were

TV got that out.

No, no, it's okay.

But it's Children Ruin Everything.

Yeah, yeah.

And it was on for years.

Like

multiple seasons, and it was always like the show that they would show after the Super Bowl.

Yeah.

It was like

the sitcom.

Yeah, it's been on for years and people,

it was on CTV.

I don't, yeah, you know, I don't know why they did it.

You just wrote a few episodes?

Half, even, half episodes.

Sure.

But like, were they?

Do you feel responsibility for it or for the show?

Do I?

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

For it being canceled?

Yes.

I take full responsibility.

I want to talk about what...

I want to talk about the showmaking process.

How do you write half an episode?

Are you just a partner?

Yeah, you have like a partner.

Okay.

So you only take credit for half of the jokes?

Yeah.

The good ones.

The good ones.

The show was Children Ruin Everything.

It's canceled.

It was created by the great Kurt Smeat.

Do you you guys know him?

You do.

Yeah.

Yeah, he's really good.

He created Kids Ruin Everything.

Exactly.

He's very funny.

He helped when we were trying to make

serious into a TV show.

He was helping us.

Because he's cousins with one of those people.

He's cousins.

He's the cousin of past guest, Peter Oldring.

Right.

Oh, okay.

And he also does a very funny

Twitter had a really funny video of him doing an impression of everyone from the TV show.

Everyone loves Raymond.

No.

What was the one, the nuclear reactor?

The Simpsons.

Chernobyl.

Oh, Chernobyl.

Wait.

That was a sitcom, wasn't it?

Oh,

I called it a series.

Oh, a series.

A family sitcom.

Guys, we're going off the rails.

I take full responsibility.

Let me bring it back.

Let me bring it back.

Immigrants.

Oh, God, not again.

What is

name your top five immigrants?

My mom, my dad,

and my aunt.

Yeah.

So three.

That's three.

Top three?

Yeah.

Those are three.

I said top five.

Oh, okay.

But I'll also add Sergei Baca

and Pascal Siak.

Oh, okay.

Yeah, those are good guys.

Those are hockey players?

They're basketball players.

Oh.

Yeah.

You know what?

I guess half the Canucks are immigrants as well.

Yeah, if you think about it, we all are.

Yeah, this country is a mosaic of people bringing their own culture here.

I mean, that's the good way of painting it.

Yeah, that's good.

That's also stolen land.

Yes.

Tell us what it's like, what it's like to write a TV episode.

Like,

you have to break it in the room.

I know that.

You have to come up with the beat.

Are you in a room or a Zoom room?

Sometimes Zoom, sometimes in person.

Okay.

A lot of of our listeners are American TV writers, and they're like, Canada make TV show?

Yeah.

Yeah.

No one watches.

They made Chernobyl.

The sitcom.

It's crazy how no one watches Canadian TV.

It's not that crazy, is it?

But like the French watch French TV in Quebec,

the French,

their own celebrity stories.

I heard a stand-up in Quebec made $5 million touring Quebec.

Yeah.

They have such a supportive.

There's a guy named Mike Ward.

That's who I'm talking about.

Yeah, yeah.

And he makes $5 million a year every year.

That's crazy.

How can I do that?

How much French do you speak?

One

percent.

Yeah, I think I saw a list, this was maybe 10 years ago, of the top 50 episodes of anything

in ratings in Canada.

Yeah.

And it was like the Super Bowl, the Oscars, and 48 episodes of Big Bang Theory.

Oh, yeah.

And there's so many spin-offs.

Oh, Young Sheldon.

Young Sheldon.

And then there's like

Sheldon.

Parents.

Is there now?

The first marriage of Anne and Feeling Kind of Sheldon.

Something like that.

It's like Star Wars.

It has

an expanding universe.

And they keep going back and releasing special editions.

Yeah.

Yeah.

And the toys are more valuable if you left them in the case.

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

And they changed it so that Bazinga shot first.

Right?

How many episodes of Big Bang Theory would you say you've watched?

Maybe like

not like half of some.

Yeah, I've watched half of some.

I don't think I've watched an entire episode.

And Dan.

Sometimes my dad, my dad assumes I watch it, and so he will tell me about a thing that happened, and he'll be like, oh, and, well, Sheldon did this.

And then

and it reminds me of like when

when you're a kid and you're telling your parents about something that happened on GoBots or whatever.

That's so cute.

It's funny how the roles reverse, isn't it?

Yeah.

Crazy world that way.

So TV writer, stand-up.

I don't think you were like doing as much stand-up in the last time I was here.

Yeah, but you're out.

I'm out doing it.

How do you like it?

It's so hard.

Yeah.

Right?

It's so hard.

I've been doing it for, I don't know, five years.

Yeah.

I have seven minutes of good material.

That was me.

It's so hard.

How do you do it?

Some people have like albums a year.

A year.

Yeah.

Yeah.

The French,

they can do that.

They can turn out an album.

Wait, how can I make $5 million a year with seven minutes of material?

You kidnap somebody whose family has lots of millions.

What stand-up do you think has done the most with the least amount of material?

Jerry Seinfeld.

Oh.

Jerry Seinfeld basically has had the same.

No, he's retired it, but he got a sitcom out of it.

Oh, that's pretty cool.

He got an album out of it.

He got a Netflix special out of it.

He

Seinfeld the book he got out of it.

Nobody has had more success.

B-Movie, absolutely.

He got unfounded.

He got Seinfeld the book out of it.

Yeah, Sein Language.

Sign Language.

Yeah.

That's a good title.

Yeah, I don't think anybody has like...

What's your book going to be called?

It's going to be called

Beta That.

This is just the rope.

We're just throwing it out.

Oh, yeah, yeah.

I hated that so much.

Because if sign language was like beat, beat a that.

Yeah.

Nice.

Nice.

See, the room came up with something that kind of, you know, needed to percolate in a couple minutes.

Yeah.

Um, yeah.

Oh, by the way, I listened to your album.

It was so good.

Oh, yeah.

Yeah.

Thanks.

I think I have two monthly subscribers on Spotify.

So

that's, it's doing well.

It's so good.

Thank you.

Everyone go listen to Graham's album, Clark Language.

Yeah.

Yes.

Clark that.

Yeah, and I put out another one.

You did?

What?

Yeah.

Not officially put out yet, but I had to put it out in time to submit for prizes.

Yo, you're so submissive.

So is it on Spotify?

It is not on Spotify.

Oh, where is it?

Is it reachable by anyone?

When you put it out.

When I put it out, you'll know where to find it.

But you said you already put it out.

Well, technically.

You have to have it for sale at some point.

Somewhere.

Okay.

So

people can find it at the North Pole record store.

Santa loves it.

Bita, we're recording this the day it's released.

It's 2025.

We love 2025.

Oh, right.

My life rules.

Yeah.

Do you feel at the beginning of the year like that kind of thing?

where you're like, okay, this year, reset.

New year, new everything.

I never believed anything good will happen, so no.

I'm like, what new ways will I be disappointed this year?

Oh, that's funny.

No, I'm just joking.

And you, and

I thought you guys would laugh at that.

You're right.

Tell me sorry.

Was that one of the seven minutes?

Yeah, shit.

Now I have six.

No, I think that's very, we take it very seriously.

Do you guys do resolutions?

I always like, I feel like I don't know myself well enough or have like

like the kind of um self-reflection needed right like some of my friends have such really like

impactful resolutions like what like

change their whole mindset about something or become a completely different person like one person was like I want to try to I can't even remember but it was just like becoming like a better human oh yeah that's yeah right.

Well, they need to do that because they're a bad human.

I don't need to make resolutions because I'm already perfect.

Yeah, mine is like,

like, I want to remember to read.

Yeah, well, that's a good one.

I should, I want to read more.

I want to read more just like.

How many books did you read this year?

Not many books, but I've read a lot of porno.

Yeah, a lot of porno.

I wouldn't consider reading a porno.

Well, some of it apparently has articles.

That was always a thing they said.

It would be very funny if, because I know it's like Penthouse and Playboy, but it was never like one of the jugs has an interview.

What were the articles in those?

Well, in Playboy, they would have celebrity interviews.

Oh, right.

Yeah, yeah.

You know, they would have.

That's pretty cool.

Maybe they would have like...

Fiction excerpts.

Yeah.

Right.

Man, we used to be a society.

That's true.

Yeah.

That's true.

How many Queyludes?

How many books?

Oh, shit, Twayludes.

I want to try Quayluds.

I would love to.

Apparently, they're not a thing.

Someone, some old motherfucker has five.

All right.

If you're an old motherfucker, send us three ludes.

Three ludes.

That's all we want.

We want to just try them.

Oh, I've heard they're so good.

What do they do?

Don't they just make you not able to stand up or talk or think?

I can only imagine the sounds from Wolf of Wall Street where he's trying to get in the car.

Yeah.

I feel like

they relax you, right?

They just turn into a legal.

We should take one and do an episode.

But they're literally impossible.

Like, they don't exist.

They're a...

Someone can make them.

No?

I don't even know.

Like, okay, let's Google lewd.

Because it used to be legal, right?

Quailudes, they were something you could get from a thief.

And that's Kwaluds with two A's.

What the hell?

Myth of Kwalone.

Well, nothing's coming up.

Why is Kwalud banned?

Yeah, what the hell?

Mainly due to its psychological addictiveness, widespread abuse, and illegal recreational use.

But like, cocaine is banned for that reason, but people still get it.

Still get cocaine.

Okay, Google, why can't you get Quailudes?

Google Dark Web first so that it doesn't show up on your search.

Google,

where do you think?

911.

What countries are Kwaluds still legally available?

Ah,

coming through, Quora.

It is no longer legally manufactured, but you can get stuff named labeled Kwaludes from various illicit suppliers.

Thank you.

Thank you.

I love Quora because sometimes the question is just like, I think I smell bad.

People say that I smell bad.

What do I do about it?

Some people.

How many books did you read this year?

Let me think.

But do you.

I think I read like three or something.

That's good.

That's okay, right?

Yeah, not bad, not bad.

I think I read two or three.

You know what?

No, I read more because I will read out loud to my kids.

Nah, that counts.

That does not count.

If I read the giver, it doesn't count.

Oh, okay.

The giver counts.

We had to read that in grade seven.

I don't,

what is it?

What's the giver?

I wasn't listening.

How were you as a student?

Pretty bad.

Yeah.

Pretty average.

Got by on my charm.

Nice.

I got the principal's award.

Almost failed many classes.

What is the principal's award?

Just like he liked seeing,

he gave it, I remember he was like, this next student can be found laughing in the halls.

Please welcome the Joker.

Do you think you have Joker disease?

I might.

I do hate women.

Also, what are your feelings about Batman?

I hate him.

Yeah, there you go.

Doesn't he like protect banks?

He's a a millionaire.

He does, yeah.

And he will catch a robber trying to rob a bank and stuff like that.

And that famous opening scene of The Dark Knight with the bank robbery.

Yeah.

So good, by the way.

So good.

Check it out.

So good.

Yeah.

Batman never intervenes.

No, because it's during the daytime.

I don't feel like Batman does a lot of daytime work.

That's because the bat signal doesn't work in daylight.

That's right.

Oh, my God.

I've never thought of that.

Well, now it's time to expand your horizons and think about that kind of stuff.

When you read books,

are you sitting down and reading them?

Are you an audiobook person?

Are you reading fiction, non-fiction, self-help?

I've listened to Celeb Memoirs audiobook.

Okay.

Who have you listened to this?

Mariah Carey.

Not this year, but Mariah Carey has a really good one.

Yeah.

You should listen to.

Is it sad?

Well, she's had a crazy life.

Yeah.

Because she was in the biz like as a 12-year-old or something.

She's like, she started really, really young, right?

Well, you know, he's got a really crazy life.

Ricky Martin, he's living La Vita Loca.

Ricky Martin.

I really

listened to his celebrity

autobiography.

You would?

Yeah, why not?

I don't think you would.

Oh, what are you going to do?

You're going to have a throwdown?

Why do you not think I would?

You're not interested in Ricky Martin.

Well, if he was reading it, I might be.

They usually do.

Yeah.

Yeah.

Did Mariah Carey read it?

Yeah.

And she sings.

Does she hit those high notes?

Yeah, yeah.

Oh, I'm going to go see her.

Yeah.

In February.

Oh, wow.

In Vegas.

So I,

at my daughter's birthday, it was the weekend of the Taylor Swift concerts.

And I asked the

eight-year-old girls who were there, are any of you going to see Taylor Swift?

And one of them, they all said no, but one of them looked at me so offended.

And another person was like, oh, she hates Taylor Swift.

Wow.

Oh, okay.

But then another girl was like, I'm going to see Mariah Carey in Vegas in February.

Oh, my God.

I was like, wait, that's my friend.

No.

Have you ever been?

That's my eight-year-old friend.

Yeah, yeah, I've been.

Do you like it?

I like it because everyone kept telling me I looked really young.

And I was.

I think I was 27.

27.

But Americans are crazy.

Oh, this was in Vegas.

Yeah.

Yeah.

I missed Graham's question.

I was like, what are we talking about?

The

only bad thing about seeing Mariah Carrie in February, no Christmas song.

Or do you think she'll sing?

She'll sing it.

Ba-bum-ba-bum-ba-bum.

Yeah, who knows?

Are you going, is this a solo adventure?

Are you going with friends?

Sorry.

Put on the

bald wig.

Yeah.

Put the baldwig on.

Can I put it on over the.

Yeah, let's take a picture now.

Yeah.

Does this look good?

Yeah, it looks really good.

You don't even need to ask.

It looks so good.

There it is.

Yeah, that's the shot.

That's awesome.

I'll just wear it for the rest.

Okay, yeah, that'll keep you.

Do you guys ever think about taping your podcast?

Like with a VCR?

Yeah.

Yeah, we're not interested in the video part, but I would if we gave a VCR.

Are you asking if we would make a video version of this?

Yeah.

Okay.

What if I do it for you?

Yeah, this is good.

Okay, so this is how how you get views.

This is how you go viral.

I know.

I don't know if that's what we want.

You guys don't care about that.

No.

Well, I.

I'm too cool for that.

Okay, no overhead.

I'm trying to think of why I was considering why I don't really like the idea of it.

And I think it's because as a

we started this because I really liked podcasts and I liked listening to podcasts.

And I feel like so many people are just like, you know, I'm a comedian.

I gotta

be making a podcast.

I gotta have

an Instagram present.

But

we just, you know, like to goover around in a room.

And

I listen to podcasts and I don't watch podcasts.

I don't either.

I only see the clips online.

I don't watch.

I don't sit down.

I know people do, but like, I am sort of doing this because of what I like.

Yeah.

That is so sweet.

I'm sort of following my blitz.

Oh my God.

I kind of really like you.

You're not going to like me for very long.

I'm excited.

I kind of, really like you.

But you know what?

You want to know something about me?

No.

I'm an immigrant.

Fuck.

And I already have my top three.

There's no room for another.

Yeah, the

video podcast.

I don't know who edits them.

Like, then you have to have like a full-on producer.

You guys could have like a person.

There is.

Where would they sit?

Oh, no.

No, no.

What would we pay them?

That's the thing.

Yeah.

No, I think a lot of like AI does it.

Like, I've used for other podcasts I make.

There's like, you know, smart editing and the interesting thing.

They come up, like it automatically generates the captions.

Oh, I didn't know that.

Also, like, there's stand-ups that shoot their whole thing.

Like, now it's for two different angles and a camera.

And this is just for Instagram clips.

Yeah, that's insane.

Yeah.

But it's the only way to make a dime in this goddamn town.

Yeah.

The bald cap has changed me.

It's still there.

Do you play in clubs or just in these steps?

Listen, I try to get into clubs.

I wonder why you're overheating with a latex toucar.

I try to get into clubs.

They never respond to my emails.

What am I doing wrong?

Do you not know?

Yeah.

Everyone's like, you have to go down there and introduce yourself.

A lot of stand-up comedy is hanging out.

That is true.

Yeah.

It's a lot of just like, come to a show, hang out at a show

uh maybe get five minutes if you're lucky or somebody bails at the last minute you gotta have a powerful manager okay so so how do i do that you march right in there and say then you should do that classic bit where i pretend i'm my own manager oh yeah yeah

when i first went to just for laughs all the toronto comics had agreed to share a fake agent.

Oh, yeah, see, this is real.

Yeah, and they had like a website and an email address address and a phone call.

Will you guys be my fake agent?

Yeah, okay.

Yeah, absolutely.

Pretend you're calling me as an agent.

Hello, I'm a club owner.

Wait, go again?

Oh,

go for Graham.

Oh, okay.

Okay.

Yeah, okay.

Sorry.

You know what?

Try it again.

Can we start with Bring Bring?

Okay, okay.

Scene.

Hello?

Hello.

Clark Manager.

Clark Talent here.

I'm the

receptionist.

Oh, you sound like you have a brain injury.

I do.

I

was kicked in the head by a mule this morning on my way to work.

Oh, Russell.

I live in the mule district.

No one has backs on their shoes.

Oh, my God.

And anyway, who's this?

This is

Graham Clark.

What the hell?

Okay, I.

That's identity fat.

This brain injury is hitting hitting me hard.

I'm going to put you through to Graham.

He's our head manager agent.

Okay.

Go for Graham.

Hello.

Hello.

I'm a very good agent.

Or no, you are.

I am.

Who am I again?

You're beating me.

This is why you can't get into clubs.

This is my whole bitch.

Well, that's an email she sends the clubs.

Hello, club.

Oh, wait.

Who am I again?

I thought I was the club.

Yeah, I was supposed to be the club.

Yeah, whatever.

Wait, you were going to be the club and he was going to be the agent.

I was the agent that would get you the club.

I'm the agent.

Okay, okay, okay, hold on.

Okay, you're the club now?

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Okay, you're the club.

And you're an agent.

Yeah, boy.

Can I still have a bunch of people?

You can still be new over here.

Yeah.

Yeah.

I'll just be the

operator you have to go through.

It's 1942.

Okay.

Hey.

Hello.

Hello, Klondike 5.

I'm looking to speak to.

I forget.

Are you a club?

I'm looking to speak.

Are you the club or are you a a comedian?

I'm a club.

What's the name of your club?

Club Cummings.

That's a club in New York.

It's Alan Cummings Club.

Is it real?

Yeah.

I couldn't think of anything else.

All right.

You can be Club Cummings.

You're Club Cummings.

Okay.

And you are a stand-up?

I'm.

No, no, no, you are.

You're a club.

And you're Vita's agent from Hooker.

Why can't we remember that?

So you're a club calling me looking for people to play in my club.

Yeah, yeah.

Okay.

Hello, yeah.

Hello.

So you're a club.

Yeah, yeah.

And you're looking for comedians to perform at your club?

Yes.

Are you looking for hosts, features, or headlines?

Oh, beta, it's Alan Cumming over here.

And I.

I require you.

Oh, my God.

I need a big act for

me night.

We're having a New Year's

Robbie Burns show.

And you are in charge of booking it.

Oh, my God.

Find me an agent who has someone.

Also, I called you Beta, but you're not Beta.

You're a comedy club.

You're the comedy.

You're my club.

You're a comedy manager.

Well, I can see why this is difficult.

This is why it never works out for me.

You're always calling,

wait, wait.

Who am I again in this connection?

I've never seen you so animated, Dave.

I'm sort of the Yako Warner of my friend group.

This is, who is that?

From the Animaniac.

Oh, nice.

Yeah.

What a Russian.

I thought it was like a Russian.

Yeah, he does.

Canada, America, Mexico, Bolivia.

These are the countries of the world.

Wow.

You have a future in comedy, I think.

Have you done a weekend at a club?

No.

Would you?

Yeah.

Yeah.

It's like the two show nights are.

I only have seven minutes.

That's not true.

You don't have more than seven minutes.

No, I definitely would.

I would do anything, honestly, almost.

Have you been on a roast?

Do you eat a roast?

I've done, oh my gosh, I've done two roasts.

And?

I could see you being good at roasts.

I won both, but afterwards, I was spiraling for days.

Because of what you said about someone or what someone said about you?

Because of what I said.

I was very mean.

Yeah.

Yeah.

So do you like have to, because some people get together with their opponent and like figure out some back and forth.

Did you say, by the way, I'm ugly and I'm stupid.

So make fun of those things.

No, I didn't know.

I didn't know either of them.

The first time I met both of them was at the Roast.

Oh, okay.

One of them, my friend told me

that

you went to a private school called Cranbrook?

Yeah.

Is that MM?

That's MM.

One of them took it so easy on me.

And my friend told me that she is like really

good at like that she's really tough.

Yeah.

So I wrote the meanest jokes I can think of.

But about them or just in general?

Do we know this person?

I don't think so.

Okay.

But then,

but then she was like really nice.

Her roasts were not mean, and mine were so mean.

What's a not mean roast?

What did she say that was like?

Like she, the meanest thing she said about me was that I have bags under my eyes.

That is pretty, that's pretty tame.

But yeah, I think of what was your meanest one?

I can't say it on mic.

It would ruin my reputation.

Okay.

Okay.

No, no.

I was, I was, well, I don't.

What did you, what did you attack?

I love the idea of appearance.

Her whole existence.

Her whole existence.

Her whole instance.

It was very mean.

I don't know if I could do another.

I love the idea that she, she went really easy on me.

All her

roasts were like how I'm like just such a hard worker and I'm a perfectionist and all the like job interview like weaknesses.

Yeah.

And then the other one, I just like kept calling him not funny.

And

even though I'd never seen him do stand-up before

but like do you know anything about these people going in or you've just written jokes that are general

for for one of the for the first one it was general attacks like talked about his mom right

and what about his mom is she is she live is she with us is she like

i i made sure to ask did she was she so stupid that she stared at a can of orange juice because it said concentrate

yeah i said that

it was like the show is called Your Hood's a Joke.

So it was mostly making fun of Toronto, and then I folded his mom in with that.

Oh, sure.

And

were people all representing different neighborhoods?

Yeah, yeah.

I was Vancouver.

You're the Vancouver

neighborhood of Toronto.

And you won this roast as well.

I did.

Remember when you lived in Degrassi?

Yeah.

That was fun.

Yeah, where are you living in Toronto these days?

What section of the the city?

In Parkdale.

Oh, Parkdale.

Do you know it?

Yes.

It was a rough neighborhood and now

it's an up-and-comer.

It's quite gentrified, but also still

rough.

I remember years ago, like, going there and having a friend who

that's the only place they can afford.

And it was rough.

Yeah.

Like, it's, I've been there since, and it's, like, really nice.

It's really quiet.

But it was.

Yeah, my street is not quiet.

No?

Shit.

in what sense is it like uh people screaming

at all hours keeps the rent down right surprisingly no

these are some of the best midnight screamers

yeah um what do you get for winning a roast you get catch prize or do you get she got a roast

because you got like a like a meat draw roast yeah

i got nothing literally just days of anxiety Yeah.

Did you apologize to the person and be like, did I make this right?

For both of them, after I was like, I'm so sorry.

I really didn't mean any of that.

Like, that's fine, whatever.

Are you worried?

My whole worry with Roast is that somebody will be so accurate with Roast that it might just completely unravel my brain.

Yes, me too.

Yeah.

What would they say that would do it?

I'll cry if you make me do this.

Okay.

I can live with that.

Like Like that you smell the ball.

The wig's going back on again.

The bald cap is back on.

It's got wrinkles.

Where did you get this, by the way?

Abby got it at Spirit Halloween, I think.

Yeah, it has

forehead wrinkles.

Yeah, it does have forehead wrinkles.

It needs a bit of Botox.

But it also has, like, it's not perfectly flat on the top either.

It kind of has that sort of ridge that a cowboy hat has on the top.

Yeah, that's right.

But only because you have such a small hat.

Well, that's because I have a wrinkly, wrinkly skull.

Yeah.

And anytime you get uncomfortable, just make, just say,

and we'll know.

That'll be our secret word.

But you're good.

What is that?

That was a thing.

For the listeners, it's a wooden.

No, it was to attach that to the wall, but I didn't end it up.

Yeah, right.

That's what you would say.

Jesus, I can see why she's so good at rose.

Yeah.

I can't come back from that.

God, I'm sweating,

brother.

I am so hot.

Is it because of the coffee?

No, it's because of this room, it's just like the

it's

I'll just put the air conditioning on.

Yeah,

I don't know why I'm suffering.

Why aren't you guys hot?

I am, but I'm always hot.

I run hot, I'm a hot guy.

And you like it?

No,

but I can't run the air conditioning 365 days days a year.

Will you hear it on my?

No.

Not that that matters.

You.

Why do you guys only do in-person ones now, by the way?

It's more fun.

Oh, okay.

It's more fun.

I prefer when I'm not in the room.

Yeah.

Yeah.

Well, when you're in your own space.

I also find that when we have a guest on in-person who has been on

in Zoom, I don't remember meeting them on Zoom.

Like, those episodes are just

kind of like...

Do you not remember me?

Oh, I've met you in person.

Likely.

So you,

when did you leave Vancouver?

Is it like

how many times to seven years ago?

Many times.

Yeah.

Yeah, because you came back and then went back and then came back.

No, like three times.

And is Toronto feeling like home now?

I mean, it's okay.

Where would you rather live?

I don't know.

I think I might just not be happy anywhere.

Is that okay with you guys?

It's okay with us.

Yeah.

Well,

why don't you go back to elementary school?

Because you were always laughing in the hall.

I thought you were going to say Iran.

Yeah,

and then I was like, Dave, don't play into immigration.

You go back to where you came from.

No, I just know that you were always laughing in that hallway in elementary school.

High school.

High school.

High school.

High school.

Keep up.

Sorry.

I get hot and then I get insane.

Okay.

Do you feel the cold air yet?

A little.

It'll be fine.

Did you guys,

anyway?

What's up?

Did we guys?

No, no, don't let it.

Don't make her.

Yeah.

What were you going to say?

I don't know.

I got cut off by what you were going to say.

Sorry.

I've lost my mind officially.

Yeah.

How long have we been taping?

We've been typing a while.

39 minutes.

How long do you, you know, some podcasts go two hours?

Yeah, Joe Rogans goes like for four hours every day.

He's fucking crazy.

He's the reddest person I've ever seen in my life.

Like just color, color of tone, what?

Yeah.

Yeah.

Why does he look like that?

He records in a very hot room.

Yeah.

I think he runs hot as well.

Little Joe Rogan.

Little Joe Rogan.

Oh, yes.

Oh, the heavens.

Cool there.

The air.

Yeah.

That's good.

Yeah, it's nice.

And it's silent.

Yeah.

No, not

here, it is not where the air conditioner is.

Oh, okay.

um

uh but yeah but is there any place that you're like maybe i will there's a possibility of being happy there or is it just you've written it off completely

well is anywhere good uh i don't know i think scotland seems pretty good yeah scotland actually rocks yeah

glasgow huh glasgow have you guys been

to glasgow sure yeah It's cool.

I've been to Edinburgh.

Edinburgh's awesome.

Edinburgh is awesome.

Maybe you'd be happy in Edinburgh.

My friend lives in this.

I have a friend who lives over in this loch.

It's Loch Ness.

I don't want to dox my friend, though.

Oh,

tell us more.

She's sort of a.

Oh, it's a she?

Yeah, sort of.

She's crazy.

Don't tell my wife.

Oh.

I've been having to fare with the Loch Ness monster.

Okay.

I call her Nessie.

How does that work?

Is it mostly at your place, mostly at her place?

How does that work?

I thought you meant like physically.

Oh, yeah, physically.

Yeah, I was trying to imagine that.

Yeah, well, I'm sort of a

sub.

Okay, yeah.

She's a dom.

Okay.

Okay.

You in Toronto's roommates?

No.

No.

Live alone.

Yeah.

Nice.

How do you like it?

It's good because I had previously like roommates who were like always having sex.

And I thought to myself, I can never do this again.

Like, this is it for me.

I had two roommates.

Yeah.

Now, dude.

I feel like I shouldn't talk about it.

In the past, you have told me about roommates and then said, cut that up.

Never mind, never mind.

Do you think you're a good roommate?

Probably not.

Yeah.

No, I think I am.

Well, who knows?

Did you do the dishes all the time?

I did my own dishes.

Okay.

Kind of kept to yourself because you leave your dishes pristine and be and like

under a spotlight?

No, I don't care.

Yeah.

Did you,

you know, did they hang a sock on their door whenever they were getting down and you just respected it?

You never knocked on the door?

I think you could probably tell that they were, they didn't need a sock.

Oh, yeah.

Loud, right?

I've lived with roommates that were having loud sex.

Yeah.

It just became kind of the backdrop of the living situation.

Oh my God.

That's why I'm

silent.

Oh, yeah.

Yeah.

But deadly.

All right.

Well, I'm sorry I brought this up.

What's this?

Why do you have all this crazy shit everywhere?

Yeah, this is sort of like a TGI Fridays.

That is a thing.

For your foot.

It's like my foot.

A roller thing that has like little bumps on it.

Yeah.

And that you put it under your foot and roll it back and forth.

Do you?

Oh my god, you sick motherfucker.

But I don't, you wear this bald cap

and then you put this on your foot

and then you

come quietly.

That one, it came in a pack with

it came in a pack with like three or four different foot things.

I don't really use that one.

No, no.

Yes, you do.

It's right here.

It's the one you use most often.

Well, it would be on the ground.

Oh, yeah, you're right.

Coming quietly.

All right.

Sorry.

Is that you coming quiet?

Oh, my God.

I hated that.

You started that.

I know, and then I brought it up again.

Yeah.

Oh,

it's so hot.

It's so hot in here.

Did you do this on purpose?

What?

Make it really hot so people lose their goddamn minds.

This is when every guest usually loses their mind and giggles for an hour.

Okay.

Who's up next?

Like, we've been on.

We've got Donny Wahlberg.

He's coming up.

And then we've got Emerald.

He's going to do something.

Emerald.

Oh, my gosh.

These are like really

old guests.

Yeah, yeah.

Well, we're a show forever.

Sam.

Yeah, this is

Sabam.

That was his thing, right?

Yeah.

Yeah.

He was all t-shirts, I'm sure,

the salt guy.

The salt bay?

Yeah.

It's pretty cool.

Who's your favorite chef?

Go.

Oh, you know who I love?

Who?

Can't remember that.

I can't remember his name.

No, I shouldn't say.

I can't remember his name.

What does he look like?

He's mean.

Gordon Ramsey.

Yeah, yeah.

I thought it was going to be some obscure.

Oh, you know who I love?

Why do you love Gordon Ramsey?

I just love that he yells.

Yeah.

Do you ever watch him with the children on the junior chef?

No, no, not interested at all.

He's a pussy.

Because he's nice to them.

My favorite show of his was him going to people's restaurants and getting really angry at them because they didn't clean out the bacon trap or whatever.

He yells because he cares.

Yeah.

And then

he hated any restaurant that had more than one cuisine.

That was his like big

be in his mind.

Well, that's unacceptable.

Well, then how do you explain the success of Earls?

Wait, what's unacceptable to you?

Do you think a restaurant should have multiple cuisines or do you think it should just no, no, just one.

Just one?

You love tar.

I love tar.

What the hell is that about?

Listen, he has a lot of people.

She's putting you in the hot seat, Dave.

He has a tar water bottle and a tar phone cake.

Yeah, I like tar.

He's also wearing a shirt under his shirt that has tar on it.

And let's not forget about that meconium I'm producing.

Oh, wow.

I saw an ad for, they've been pumping this ad for this new cable channel called Flavor.

Flavor.

which is like just

another food network, but it's like

but do you think they're going up against the food network?

Is that the idea?

Why would anyone start a cable channel in 2024?

Yeah, like no one has cable, right?

Well, I think the older folk have the cable, and they probably love watching Gordon Rand.

Yeah, yeah, and food shows in general.

I mean, I love if I'm in a hotel somewhere, food network, number one.

Number two, DLC, number three,

probably just like an ESPN or something like that.

Yeah, for me, it's

whatever has a Law and Order marathon.

Oh,

do you know Pluto?

Yeah.

It's a channel.

Yeah.

Is it a channel or is it an app?

Oh, it's an app.

They probably have Law and Order all day.

Yeah, because

it's a bunch of channels and it'll just be like the Love Boat channel.

Nice.

Do you ever, when you were growing up, Law and Order?

I fucking love Law and Order.

What's your favorite character?

um miranda benson olivia benson let me think gordon ramsey christopher maloney i love him yeah stabler finituola yeah i love the guy actually wait wait i love um what's his name what's that guy's name who's kind of like funny Oh, Richard Belzer.

Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.

Munch.

Munch.

Munch.

He would say, like, the craziest one-liners when people are, like, dead.

Like, he would be like, I remember somebody died in a parking lot and then he'd be like he was like talk about all-day parking

and that guy's widow hears it

what the fuck it's not even that funny you're making fun of my husband

yeah I love that yeah I loved Lenny Briscoe that was the that was the era of law and order I liked of the origin huh the original the original well the there was a guy before uh he joined the cast.

There was?

Yeah, yeah.

I thought he was the original.

He came.

I mean, the show might as well not have been on before him.

He brought the heart.

Eddie Briscoe.

I'm looking at him.

Let me.

Jerry Orbach.

Yeah, the dad from Dirty Dancing.

Lumiere.

Lumiere.

Eddie, Lumiere, yeah.

He's not on Google.

Yeah, okay, yeah.

I'll call him.

He's not on Google.

Yeah.

I just wonder.

Don't you guys usually like say what's up with you guys?

Yeah, eventually.

Oh, okay.

Yeah.

What's up with you, Dave?

Well, I'm just looking up what is taking a qualude like was one of the questions people ask.

I would worry that I'd soil myself.

That would relax me too much.

You would, but everyone else would, too.

Oh, that's okay, man.

Like being a

only one taking it.

Oh, then you're fucked.

Some people take the drugs and go out in the real world.

Yeah.

That's nuts.

Amongst people who don't soil themselves.

That is nuts.

I don't think Quailud is like a party drug.

It's not something you can.

Well, according to this, Qualudes produce a feeling of relaxation and euphoria similar to the effects of alcohol.

Oh, okay.

I mean, I like alcohol.

I've given that a whirl.

There are still labs making Qualudes in Mexico and elsewhere in the world.

Okay,

I know where I'm going.

But there are all the

Quailudes with me?

Yeah, if we go to Mexico.

Are we going to go to a resort?

Are we going to do an Airbnb?

What are we doing?

I think it's really probably a good time to get into the Mexican drug trade.

Yeah.

Yeah.

Yeah.

I mean, Trump's going to slap some tariffs on those drugs.

And then, right.

But Canada will open up our border to Mexican drugs.

Okay, okay.

We need their drugs.

They need our oil.

All right.

Oh, but we also, I need their burritos.

Oh, yum.

Yeah.

Dave, what's going on with you?

Shut up.

You shut up.

Hee hee, leave me alone.

Hee hee hee.

Here's what's going on with me.

It's 2025.

It's always been 2025.

I was, here's just a couple things.

Well, this will be, maybe it, maybe I just need to get rid of like a bunch of topics from 2024.

Okay, this is this is a dump.

Okay, okay.

Oh, topic dump.

I was watching the

Jim Henson documentary.

You come on.

Is he that car dealership guy yeah Tim Henson's cars yeah

who is he tellworthing to him tell me now

you know who he is

but like I honestly you really don't know who he is really I'll Google him if you're not gonna tell me yeah well that your Google doesn't even

yeah he created the Muppets the Muppets okay well I wasn't born here

wait are you an immigrant yeah how come you're not in your top three list oh my god

that's such a good question i think that's yeah i think you need to start putting yourself in the list of top immigrants

um i'm not allowed to make such a list yeah um okay jim henson yeah jim henson so he is the voice he's the creator of the moppets he's also the voice of kermit the frog his own voice sounds very much like kermit the frog yeah and uh it said he was born in rural tennessee oh and i I thought it would be very funny if everyone from Tennessee had a Kermit voice.

That would be like a nice thing.

regional accent.

It's just

like nice, dorky sounding voice.

I like that.

Maybe that's something we could

do that in your stand-up.

I'll try it out.

Yeah.

I'm not good at accent.

You were about to do a Kermit voice and then you held back, but I really want to hear what your Kermit voice is.

Okay, can I hear it first?

Yeah.

Hello.

Kermit the frog.

Kermit frog here.

Oh, gosh.

Yeah.

Did my mic turn off?

It sounds like it did.

Kermit the frog here.

That's really good.

Yeah.

Kermit the frog.

Was that good?

That was really good, Peter.

That was really good.

Kermit.

I think it was also.

He was Ernie as well, wasn't he?

He was Ernie.

He was Rolf.

He was

a bunch of other, it was like a blue puppet.

I can't remember.

In the early days, he had like a bald, weird-looking puppet.

Um, okay, so that's one of the things I think is funny.

Do people in Tennessee all sound like Kermit?

Well, have you ever met anyone from Tennessee?

Maybe they do sound like that.

I mean, I guess

I haven't.

I've been to Tennessee, and it was great.

Yeah, it's hot as hell, though.

I don't understand how people

want to be in, like,

what's a nice, cool place in the States,

Alaska, sure.

Yeah, mystery, Alaska, yeah, North Dakota, uh,

all right

Next thing

This is also related to accents, okay, uh, you know, the song

I was watching, so I was I was watching a different Tom Petty documentary there was I watched a four-hour Tom Petty documentary a few years ago, and then I found this other one that was just on his album Wildflowers.

Okay.

When he had gone through a divorce, and I was

trying to, I was like googling stuff about him and his wife and when they met and or their favorite position when they when they got divorced and then what happened because like yeah anyway but apparently he was tom petty was friends with stevie nicks right

who had the song edge of 17.

did they also write stop dragging my heart around they had that together yeah but she the the song edge of 17 she got the name of it because she met Tom Petty's wife,

who said that they met at the age of 17, but her accent sounded like age of 17.

And I've been like my whole, like the last few weeks, I've been trying to like figure out how you can make age and edge.

The edge of 17.

I just flew into a ridge.

Yeah.

The age and edge of 17.

Oh, just seeing Tom up there on the stitch.

Where was she from again?

Florida.

Oh, okay, okay.

And also kind of glosses over that they got together.

Was he 17 as well?

Oh, I think they were like.

They were high school sweethearts.

Yeah, well, I don't know exactly, but he wasn't, you know, 50.

Yeah,

Anthony Keitas situation.

No, yeah, and they were together for like

30 years or something.

It's much more poetic than age of 17.

Yeah, that's what makes it a good song.

Yeah.

Just like the white.

That's my Kermit.

Just like the

grounds me in my Kermit.

Just like the

right thing.

I sound like Miss Piggy when I do it.

Yeah, you do.

Miss Piggy is kind of the Stevie Nicks of the Muppets.

Yeah, that is so true.

And it was a man that played.

Oh, don't tell the conservatives that.

Pretty soon you'll have men playing girl puppets.

Okay, here's one.

Here's another idea.

Here it comes.

This is more of a tumbler idea.

Any Any of you want to start a Tumblr?

Okay.

You know how people would just do a Tumblr, or I guess you could do an Instagram.

There's just one thing you keep seeing.

People will,

it'll just be like

sad libraries, like little neighborhood libraries.

You did one for a long time that was called Kid Casting.

Yeah, it was just the kid versions of

when they cast the kid version of a character in a movie.

But one was my idea.

Walking around town, I see so many people charging their electric vehicles on the street.

With like house car or cables, like just regularly.

They have their extension cord going over the sidewalk, and everyone uses a different method of covering it up.

So it would be just like a.

That's cool.

But I don't want to be the one to have to do it.

Right.

But just like you'd have to be in weird places.

You see some people with just like a weird wet carpet covering it up.

Some people use like that.

A

like a shower mat.

Okay.

And like, has anybody got like the official, the plastic one?

Some people have the one that like you would see on a movie set where they're running cables, but they're

the thing is too wide for the sidewalk and it's like flopping over the edge.

And these are most like, these are mostly just like regular plugs.

Like house.

Yeah, yeah.

Yeah, they're not the official.

They're not the thing that goes into the like the the wall.

Yeah.

Right.

Yeah.

That's like a looks like a futuristic futuristic gas pump.

Yeah.

My cousin has one and he has the, the thing in the garage, the like official, I want to say pump, but it's not a pump.

It's a electricity pump.

Yeah.

It's electricity pump.

Have you ever driven an electric car?

Because I feel like here in Vancouver, every Uber is a Tesla.

Is that the same as Toronto?

I think so, yeah.

Yeah.

How do you feel about them?

You like the quietness of it?

I don't think I have any feelings.

Okay.

Oh, you don't have any feelings at all?

Oh, man.

I'm going to use that in the next roast.

Oh, no.

No, I don't think.

I think that

those cyber trucks kind of look cool.

Yeah.

And the people look cool in them.

And the coolest people buy them.

That's true.

Yeah.

Just joking.

Who's like a celebrity?

Is there a celebrity that kind of had the first cyber truck off the line?

Or is it just

I don't know that people are I don't know what any celebrity drives.

Yeah, I think Leo Justin Bieber drove for a while.

Oh, yeah, well, he did have that Fisker Karma.

What did he have?

He had a Fisker Karma.

What's that?

It's a, it was a, like a

Fisker Karma.

I barely know her.

Put that in your act.

It's my favorite thing that Justin Bieber did.

He was a,

he was like 18 at the time, and he was just being hounded by paparazzis, and they were paparazzi and they were chasing him on the highway.

Right.

And he, it was dangerous and he was worried and he called 911 and he's like, there's cars surrounding me.

I don't feel safe.

I'm on the highway.

Can you send police or something?

And the 911 officer or 911 operator was like, all right, well, where are you?

And what kind of car are you in?

And he was like, I'm in a Fisker Karma.

And she was like, a what?

Yeah.

A Fisker Karma.

And is that like it's like a boutique?

I think it doesn't exist anymore.

Because like I've seen

qualudes.

Yeah, shit.

Related?

Related?

Yeah, it was a fancy, expensive car.

Oh, because I'll see some cars in Vancouver that have a logo that I've never seen before.

There are a few like electric brands.

Yeah.

There's one that's a V.

Yeah, and there's one that's like two, it looks like a square almost with the

250.

Yeah.

Yeah.

Kind of cool.

That might be the,

I forget.

But it's like.

The Polestar?

That might be the pole star.

Polestar.

And then there's some lucids.

I've seen some lucids around.

Que lucids, am I right?

Any mention of qualucids

on top of it.

So that's my third topic.

And

my fourth topic is this.

I went to the dentist a couple weeks ago.

Okay.

And the guy next to me was getting his teeth done.

Done?

Like.

Brand new teeth?

No, he was just for a checkup, I think.

Okay.

Is your dentist good?

Yeah.

Yeah.

Nice.

Do you you want to you're looking for a new one yeah because i went to there was a dentist i went to and she was amazing but then she's moved out of town and so i just keep going to the same dental office out

yeah and like uh it's been diminishing returns i go to the one in the mall oh nice on uh in city square don't tell people though well i only go every six months

and don't blow up your spot

um the uh

so i was there and uh like they talked to you and I floss every day.

So I'm like, I don't need to, I used to not floss.

And then the day I went to the dentist, I'd be like, I got to quickly floss.

And I show up and my gums are all puffy.

You a flosser?

I am.

Okay.

Some people don't.

I'm scared of dementia.

Oh, is that what?

It's related.

It comes through your gums.

If you have inflamed gums, your brain gets inflamed.

Shit.

Fuck.

God damn it.

So the

like, and they ask you, like, do you floss?

And you, you know, I used to lie.

Yeah.

Not as much as I should, but yeah, obviously this morning.

But I floss in the morning or at night?

I used to floss at

in the morning.

And I told the dentist this and or the hygienist and she was like, oh, you should floss at night because it's just your food's sitting there overnight on your teeth.

Right.

And I was like, okay.

Because I like to, when I leave the house in the morning, I want to have my teeth totally clean.

So I brush, floss, Listerine.

Yeah.

But now I do night and morning.

Morning and night floss.

Is that too much?

Are your gums receding?

Let's see.

My gums are receding.

I think that might be too much.

But she says it's.

She says it's okay.

She says it's not because of that.

Oh.

Who do you want to listen to here?

You know what?

Maybe I should listen to Peta.

But the guy next to me,

the hygienist asked him, and do you brush regularly?

And he was like, yeah, I brush at night.

Today I brushed in the morning, though.

Some people don't brush their teeth.

It's crazy.

Ever?

Yeah.

I mean, but like, why?

If you're not brushing your teeth, you're not going to the dentist either.

You like have depression.

Yeah.

Or like have thrown that part of your life away.

My parents were in Vietnam, and there's some monks in Vietnam that only

live off of things that they're given by other people.

And some of the water in Vietnam is not drinkable, but sometimes people give them energy drinks.

So all of their teeth are completely rotten.

Because no one gives them toothbrushes.

Yeah, nobody gives them just water.

Oh, my goodness.

Yeah.

So, you know, if that guy's doing better than that.

Yeah.

But just like, you don't admit to the hijacking.

Yes, I brush my teeth regularly, obviously.

Right.

That was awesome.

Well, we got to wrap this up.

Do you know the view?

Hot topic?

Hot topic.

That was like Dave's hot topic.

I mean,

Graham and I do bonus episodes, and once a month we do our hot topics.

You do when you talk about

hottest topic,

pencil culture, Kim Zolsiak, and Boy Burma.

How do you guys, wait, how do you guys know about that?

Well, our agent.

Graham does a segment on the bonus episodes, on the hot topics, where he picks a headline that he could not figure out.

But I don't know who the people are.

I don't know who the people are or what they're talking about.

Oh, and you just riff.

And then we riff.

We riff.

Yeah.

And we throw it out there, and then it's just yes and and you know, don't corpse, don't block.

Yeah, don't pimp.

Right.

Yes, yes.

Who's your celebrity that you're keeping tabs on?

Right now, I guess maybe this woman named Karen Huger.

And what does she do?

Just because she's the last person I Googled to find out what she's up to.

She's a housewife.

She just.

What city?

Potomac.

Okay.

Potomac.

Yeah.

Okay.

She just had a DUI.

Oh, shit.

And they released the body, the police.

Not the dead body.

And is she like wasted in it?

She is so drunk.

She's so drunk.

And the crazy thing is that.

Sorry, I've never been more alive.

That was a great topic, Dave.

Graham, is it your turn to talk yet?

Okay, I'll just say this one thing.

Okay, no, please unless you're here.

The crazy thing is that if she just didn't take it to court, the footage would never have been released.

But she was like, I'm, the truth will come out.

There's been a misunderstanding, and the truth will come out.

out.

I do love that when people are like, well, she's so delusional, so narcissistic.

Yeah.

And because she went to trial, the footage has come out.

And she's drunk as hell.

Do they breathalyzer?

Is she walking a line?

Is she doing an alphabet backwards?

She's slurring her words.

Can you do the alphabet backwards?

Only when I'm drunk.

X-F-A.

Z-X.

Well, you're not drunk.

Get back in your car and speed away.

I think I'm like pretty.

I think you're pretty too.

Thank you.

This is the opposite of roast.

Isn't she nice?

There's a pasquez, Angie St.

Mars ran one that was called the Weenie Rose.

I love Angie.

And it was just compliments.

Just like, you're so good looking that blah, blah, blah.

That's sweet.

Yeah.

Ask her to do one in Toronto.

She lives in Toronto now.

I know, yeah.

She should set up a weenie roast.

She'd love it.

But being nice, is that like

I'm not the guy to ask.

Okay.

Direct eye contact with Dave.

Okay.

Yeah, yeah.

What were you going to ask?

Karen Huger?

That's all I had to say about her.

But yeah.

Did you keep up on her?

I think this is good for her.

Just because the footage just came out today and I was looking it up before I got here.

But you were looking her up just in general or that you heard she got I heard the

videos were released and I wanted to see because I'm despicable.

Yeah.

But she loves the attention.

She probably does.

Yeah.

Yeah.

Do you know how you found that footage?

The DUI decibel system.

Nice.

Okay, call back.

Graham, what's up with you?

This past weekend, I went to the city of my birth, Calgary, Alberta.

Oh, weekly.

I like to see my family.

I like my family.

And Flair, you can get there for pretty cheap.

Yes.

And was this your Christmas visit?

This was my Christmas visit.

And it just happened to coincide with a friend of the family's 70th birthday.

So I got to go to this very fancy bash.

I know.

I had to bring clothes just for that.

And it was

so much fun.

Free drinks all night long.

The next day, my whole family hung over.

We'd made plans and then all kind of like texted each other, like, maybe tomorrow

instead.

What were the plans?

You guys want to go see Queer?

Oh,

I'm not feeling it.

I'm too hungover.

Yeah, it was great.

And appies, appies all night.

I love appies.

Well, I don't because I'm allergic to everything.

So

the woman who put it on was the daughter of the person whose birthday it was.

She talked to the staff, and they're like, don't worry, we'll get something that he can eat.

And at one point, the server came up to me.

I was like, oh, we've got something for you to eat.

And I wasn't hungry.

I literally ate there before I went because I was afraid there was going to be nothing for me to eat.

And you're like a monk that you can only eat things that people give you.

You should see my real teeth.

But at one point, the server came up to me and was like, oh, the chef has made something for you to eat.

But it was full.

So I said, no, I'm fine.

Thank you very much.

And he got so dejected so fast that I was like, No, no, no, yeah, bring it for me.

Bring it for me.

And he was so happy.

He was so jazzed about it.

And it was gluten-free pasta, and it was delicious, but I was literally eating gluten-free pasta on top of a frozen pizza.

So it just like slowed me down so much.

I had to do it.

I had to do it.

No, I would do the same.

Right?

Yeah.

But that's like a weird meal choice.

It is.

And it was heavy, but

everybody else was having happies.

And he was like, here's a giant bowl of pasta.

So, yeah, I like sat down and like ate this thing of pasta.

Do you want us to,

you know, put a handkerchief in your

neck hole?

What am I trying to say?

In your collar.

Yeah.

Neck hole.

I guess I meant a napkin in your collar.

But yeah, so I ate this giant thing of pasta, and it was really good.

What shape was it?

Rigatoni.

Rigatoni.

Okay, describe that for me.

Kind of a tube, a stripey tube.

Oh, stripey tube.

Ridged, ridged.

Ridged.

Yeah.

And

then they had like a DJ with an amazing, full DJ setup

with like the most modern kind of things.

Like they're not actually records.

They're just kind of plates that you're customer or whatever.

And he was, he was like, obviously,

at the beginning, he was really into it.

He was mixing and a little bit of this, a little bit of that.

And then as the night wore on, it was almost exclusively older white people.

And he was playing music that

as the music faded from being in the background to the foreground where people wanted to dance, the music became very,

you could tell he was not interested in doing it because he was texting.

It's hard to be interested for a long time.

Yeah, that's true.

Is there a regional you lost interest?

Is there a

regional sort of like playlists in Canada?

Like if you're

if you're at a party in the Maritimes, are they playing a lot of the Rankin family?

Yeah, a lot of fiddle-based stuff.

And here, I feel like Spirit of the West, that one Spirit of the West song is very popular out of the country.

What is that?

It's that Home for Arrest.

Home for Arrest.

Which could be a Maritime song.

I've never heard of it.

It's literally a drinking song about drinking.

Oh.

Yeah, it's about it's a big fiddly fiddle song.

Oh, and it's BC related.

Well, they're from BC.

They're from BC.

Oh, okay.

Yeah.

Is there a lot of country?

Was there a lot of country on this playlist?

No, it was just like

Golden Oldies.

Oh, you know.

ABBA and Company.

Yeah, every song that they played, I was like, yes, this is good.

And the one song I requested, which I always request anytime.

Very close.

Ghostbusters.

Oh.

Yeah.

It's fun.

It's fun to dance to.

Everybody knows the song.

I know that one word that they keep shouting out.

Which one?

Ghostbusters.

I do it like Herman.

Ghostbusters.

I really can't.

You're doing it.

But I'm not.

But like, thank you.

But

I...

What did I say at the beginning?

Like, what was the first one that made you think that I've been the frog?

That's it.

That's all I can say.

Now do Yoda.

Now, Miss Piggy.

Buster's ghost.

Oh,

that's good.

Good Bustin makes me feel.

Good Bustin makes you feel.

Well,

Yoda talks all backwards.

You know, Yoda.

No, no, I'm familiar.

Yeah, and in Ghostbusters,

he says busted makes me feel good.

Oh, bustin'?

Oh, that's what he said.

Yeah, yeah, that's what he said.

No, it's true.

Bustin' makes him feel good.

Yeah, that's

run the lyrics.

That's who I keep tabs on.

He's my celebrity, Ray Parker Jr.

Yeah.

Does busting still make him feel good?

Dustbusting.

Beat is all over this.

Yeah.

Ever since she got hired at Club Coming.

Oh, yes.

This is good.

Well, yeah,

it was

a fun soiree.

I haven't been to anything like that for a long time.

Christmas parties are so fun.

Yeah.

But it was a birthday party.

It was a birthday, but it was like...

Christmas as well, you know?

They had like a nativity scene.

Yep, live nativity scene.

Over by the DNA.

Nativity scene.

Yeah, and then at one point, Joseph laid down and we put sushi all over spots.

The three kings brought in some sushi.

It's pretty good.

What do the three kings bring?

Myrrh.

Frankincense and gold.

Sure.

That was back in the day when

spices were equal to gold.

Yeah.

You want gold to go last.

You want gold to be like, here, I brought you gold.

And then they're like, I brought you spice.

Yeah.

I brought brought you something that smells kind of nice.

But you know what?

Jesus, he forgives.

He forgives.

That's his whole thing.

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Did you do like a gift exchange?

No, I have in my family we do Secret Santa, and that's the best.

Perfect.

But did you do that or does that have to wait for Christmas?

That has to wait.

I was given mine by my sister-in-law and promptly left it in my brother's car.

Oh, no.

It was an envelope, so I think I'll

be sendable.

I wonder what it was.

A letter?

Yeah, a letter of resignation for being my sister-in-law.

Oh, no, that's sad.

No, it's just, it's just me that she wants that.

The rest of my family, she's very cool with.

Okay.

Yeah.

Would you ever move back there?

Probably not.

Gets really cold there, and the political climate is

atrocious.

Exactly what you believe.

Yeah, exactly.

Drill, baby, drill.

That's like.

And you know what?

Trudeau.

Swear word.

Swear word, Trudeau.

Yeah, swear word, Trudeau.

Yeah.

I mean, he's maybe not even there anymore.

Oh, yeah.

By the time this comes out.

Uh-oh.

Yeah.

He's in some hot water.

He's in some hot water.

You know what I think is funny how, like, both the left and the right hate him, but for different reasons.

Yeah.

And

only one gets the bumper sticker.

Yeah.

That's true.

Yeah.

The left is like, or the right is like, oh, wait, wait, no.

The left is like, hates him because he's a neoliberal.

And then the right hate him because he talks like a girl.

This is good.

This is like.

This is good.

This goes in the seven minutes.

It's good.

Eighth minute.

New minute just dropped.

But it is funny.

Everybody across the country agrees on one thing.

He should resign.

Yeah.

And he's seemingly the only guy who's like, nope, I could do it.

I could do it one more time.

Come on, I would stick.

I would keep the job due.

Honestly, like, I need the money.

I need the money.

I just, I think, like, once you retire, you get to do speeches and you get to consult.

Yeah, you can do,

God, this is so political.

You can do shampoo commercials.

Oh, he

has beautiful hair.

He does.

Yeah.

Yeah, he could work as, like, a J.

Crew model.

He could be a model.

Yeah, or he could do whatever Army Hammer's doing.

He's like setting up

feeding a guy, setting up, you know.

Real estate.

Yeah,

Cayman Islands or something.

That's insane.

It's one of my hot topics.

Dave's topic.

Anyway,

beat is flagging.

So should we move on over?

Let's move on over.

What am I doing?

Flagging?

Say that again on camera.

Well, that noise means it's not time for overheard.

It's time for

business.

I said jill as like Jumbotron, and then I said business.

I don't want people to think

No, this is the first.

This is a first time we've received the Jumbotron message mid-recording.

Yes, that's right.

This one is for dad

from Josh, and he wants to say.

This is a likely late Christmas gift to my dad.

Instead of buying more useless knickknacks, Dave and Graham, you guys are hilarious.

And this is the one and only podcast we listen to together.

Keep doing what you guys do so we can listen along during road trips or struggling through home renovations.

No freaking way.

Oh, yeah.

Happy birthday.

You know, God blesses everyone, as I always say every year.

And

Merry Christmas and many happy returns.

And yeah, many happy returns your Christmas present.

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Merry Christmas, right?

All right.

If anyone would like a Jumbotron message like that one, head over to maximumfun.org slash jumbotron.

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Overheard.

All right.

Ready?

Overheards.

A segment of the show that Beta has just been champing at the bit to get this part of the show up and running.

Okay.

We always like to start with the guest, Beta.

Okay.

Give us your overheard.

Remember how I don't do overheards anymore?

I don't remember that about you.

I just read tweets that I like.

Oh, shit.

Are you still on Twitter?

Yeah.

Yeah.

Or I guess they're called Zeets now.

She's one of the Zeets.

Bita likes.

Bita is like the champ of Twitter.

If you're not, if you haven't followed Bita on Instagram,

I need people to follow me on Instagram.

Yeah.

Bita, Bita, Bita.

Follow me now.

I need a thousand followers now.

In order to get that one gig you have your eye on?

Yeah.

Okay.

Yeah.

Come on, everybody.

How many do you have?

I have

1,700 something.

Let's get up to 2,700 now.

I need a thousand followers right now.

They take us out back.

We don't.

Yeah, do you?

Straight in the head.

Straight in the head.

Right in the back of your head.

Okay, so here's a tweet.

Here we go.

I was white girl wasted only once during anorexia.

Sorry, not funny.

Sorry.

And I got so hungry that I ate an entire lime, rind and all, from the bar.

Random guy next to me asked, did you just eat a raw lime?

And I said, as opposed to what?

A cooked lime?

Get real.

Who tweeted that?

Megan Lynn.

And

yeah, I guess I, I mean, I've had hot lemon and water.

Well, you know what I got

is, you know, those like

some kind of like magical super berry that makes it so you

like put one in your mouth, it dissolves on your tongue, and then you can eat a lemon and it's like sweet.

Oh, I've heard of that.

Okay.

I got them as like a thing to do as a family over the uh Christmas break.

Yeah.

But now uh whoa

the chips of cards are on the table.

We're recording this before Christmas.

But

yeah, I actually don't know if they're okay for kids.

Oh,

I don't know.

I do I know nothing about them is why not.

All right.

You're like a good parent.

Oh, you're one of those.

What?

You're like like a good parent?

I also like that this person was, that they're so hungry that they ate a lime rind and all.

And then to make it so the guy is the freak.

Yeah.

As opposed to what?

A cooked one?

Did she start it with

I've only been white girl wasted once?

What does that mean?

Oh, don't pretend like you've never been white girl wasted, Dave.

I've been white wine wasted.

In the same neighborhood, in in the same neighborhood.

Yeah, it's pretty much

it, huh?

It just means like really drunk.

Okay.

I'm glad our

white girls have that reputation.

Dave, do you have one over here?

Do you, is that it?

You just have the one tweet?

I have more.

Okay, yeah, yeah, yeah.

This is a whole segment.

This is a whole segment.

This is best for best zeats.

Bita's best zeitzs.

Okay, okay.

Was standing on the sidewalk eating popcorn, and a lady walked by and said, wait, i love popcorn

wait

wait wait wait wait wait i love popcorn

that's funny i heard that um speaking of zeitz uh

that when

elon musk met mr beast

the only thing i thought you were gonna say mr bean

the only thing he asked him was are people still calling it twitter and he knows that they are oh yeah of course and then the person the post responding to that was like,

when people say money can't buy happiness, they're talking about these two people.

Oh, yeah.

Dave, you have an awareness?

I do, but I think there's probably more Zeits on the way.

Should I?

One more Zeet.

You got to do conversations.

Grand wants

to end it now.

No, I said one more.

He'll end you in this roast battle.

Okay.

Beta's Zeits are so weak.

Yeah.

But I kind of like them.

See, that's how I am.

This one is so funny.

Okay.

This is gonna be great.

Sweet dreams, you piece of shit.

I try to snap the prison guard's neck, but just make him look to the left very quickly.

That's really funny.

I've been watching a lot of like

action movies and thrillers.

I guess action movies.

And it is funny how often like,

yeah, I'll just hit this guy over the head and he'll pass out for a few hours.

Yeah.

Like, oh, we nailed it.

We nailed the perfect way to hit someone's head that doesn't kill them.

Yeah, there was a movie that I saw,

I think, called Rebel Ridge.

Oh, that's great.

Yeah, the fight sequences are very realistic because the guys don't just...

Rebel Ridge?

They don't just get knocked out and lie there.

They're like, get back up again.

And the guy's got to fight them again.

Rebel Ridge is Jeremy Sonnier.

Is the director?

Yeah.

And it's a kind of a one-man army,

a guy up against this corrupt small-town police department.

Yeah.

Oh.

And it's, but the fight scenes are like how a fight would actually look.

And people are like, yeah, hold on.

Ow.

I'm tired.

Another face, another face.

I'm getting my picture taken with my family this weekend.

All right.

Dave?

So I was driving in the car, driving my kids to school, and that

Johnny Cash

cover of Hurt

comes on, and just the first line of the song is playing, and he goes, I hurt myself today.

Wow.

I hurt myself today.

And then from the back seat, Poppy, my then seven-year-old, seven-year-old, says, Well, get up and take care of it.

Oh,

yeah, just put some bomb on that.

I got a band-aid on that.

She actually says, Go get a band-aid or something.

She's so self-sufficient.

I mean, oldest daughter, youngest, youngest.

Are you no siblings?

Brother, older brother.

Older brother, young.

Oh, you're the baby of the family.

So you weren't self-sufficient.

God, no.

How do you get along with your brother?

She's getting backed into a corner.

She knows that she made up a brother that doesn't exist.

She just goes to a different school.

He lives in America.

Oh, yeah?

Yeah.

What does he do for a living?

He is.

Oh, God.

This is a lie.

He is

Zookeeper.

I can't think of anything to say.

What would be funny?

Zookeeper.

Okay, he's a zookeeper.

Oh, that's really good.

That is funny.

That is good.

My brother lives in the States and he's the zookeeper.

There are just better zoo opportunities in the States.

Yeah.

No one goes to the zoo in Canada.

No, I mean, do we even have one here?

No.

Just this room.

We do.

We have a very small room.

Just this room.

Just this room.

Oh, yeah.

Wacky.

Just shut up everybody.

Just this room.

Wacky Judacky over there.

We could be a morning zoo crew.

Oh, absolutely.

Can we please?

We have no.

All right, caller, are you there?

Oh, yeah, I've got two tickets to you guys can win from me.

The caller's calling in with tickets.

I got two tickets to see

Tate McCrane.

Oh, Calgary.

Calgary.

Calgary.

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

You got a nut on air.

Ew.

That's bazookaru kind of stuff.

The first person to nut wins.

God.

Yeah, man.

Radio's...

It's weird.

It's so weird these days that the callers call in and offer the hosts tickets.

Things have changed.

Yeah.

Do you have one?

My overheard is from last night going through Van Dusen Gardens and their light show.

Oh, wow.

So Christmasy.

Was it pouring?

No, it it was nice.

It was nice.

And it's, yeah, I was going with

the niece and nephew because that's what

it's for.

Yeah, this is perfect uncle stuff.

Yeah.

And

my nephew was explaining to his little sister, there was a display of salmon, like jumping in out of the water kind of thing.

And he says,

Yeah, they're sockeye salmon because they're salmon and their eyes shape like socks.

Wow.

honestly, I don't know why they're called socks.

I would believe that.

I kind of believed it too.

Didn't bother looking it up.

I was like, that's as good a reason as any.

It's good enough.

Yeah, yeah, it's good enough.

Do you do any holiday fishing stuff?

Do you do any fishing?

I've never been fishing.

No, I think I have you ever been kissed?

Only by my teacher.

Let's run the movie.

Let's run the movie.

I'm sorry I said that.

she's never been kissed yeah yeah she's she's kissed by her teacher she goes back to high school high school she's josie grossy yeah yeah she's 25 and she goes undercover as a high school student yeah and then and her teacher falls in love with her that sucks i know that sucks yeah because that teacher is still a creep yeah yeah he doesn't know she's 25.

does he kiss her when he does He kisses her when she thinks she's 17.

Oh, boy.

She's just on the age of 17.

And she is just on the age of 17.

That's Josie Grossy.

Yeah.

Yeah.

That's why they call her that.

I haven't seen it.

I haven't seen it.

It's really good, actually.

It was sort of in the Drew Berrymore

rom-com.

Yeah.

Yeah, when she was just doing rom-coms.

Yeah, and she was good at it, too.

She was like number one.

It was like one one a year.

She did one a year.

Who's the new rom-com queen?

Yeah.

There are really no rom-coms these days.

I watched one.

It wasn't.

They're trying to do that.

Yeah.

I don't think it took.

No, it didn't take.

Because you need to have two people with like undeniable characters.

Well, they did that a couple years ago.

They brought back

George Clooney and Julia Roberts.

They literally flew.

No one cares.

Yeah.

Why did romantic comedies go away?

Because we're just like not a society anymore.

That's true.

It used to be a society.

Yeah, this generation doesn't have its

time for rom-coms.

We have to pay $1,000

rent.

I thought you were going to say $1,000 mortgages, but that would be great.

And $1,000 rent is like not a bad thing.

It's kind of like typical rent.

Now, we also have overheard sent in to us by people all around the world.

If you want to send one in, send it in.

Where was the crazy?

Sorry.

Yes,

where was the fun?

Where was the craziest person called one in from?

Yeah, yeah.

Craziest place or craziest person?

I think somebody's called from like Tasmania or something.

Yeah, the craziest person was probably Wacky Judak.

Should I want to call in one day?

There's the phone number right over there.

Do you want to call one in?

That's 1-800-Idol 06.

I think that's Canadian Idol's phone number.

Idol 06.

Okay, sorry.

Go on.

Oh, I will.

Oh, I will.

It's not enough numbers even.

This first one comes from Liam and Parts Unknown.

I heard, overheard a mother and her four-year-old child with a bowl haircut in the park.

The child was letting out a continuous high-pitched

whine, like a distant motorcycle in high gear.

As they passed, I heard the mother failing to comfort her son by sternly telling him, you're not listening.

That was not your dad.

Not every man you see is your dad.

Okay.

Maybe.

Who knows?

Yeah, if the kid doesn't know who they're daddy.

Now that sounds like a rom-com I want to see.

Yeah.

Who's your dad?

Who's your dad?

Chris Locke, who's in a movie called Who's Your Father.

Right.

Yeah, sorry.

Now that is a movie I want to see.

No,

I think there is a movie about someone trying to find their dad, and it's called Mamma Mia.

Oh, yeah.

Yeah.

See Records.

There is the guy,

same,

the guy who directed maybe just Mamma Mia, too, also directed that George Clooney.

When we were making Let's Make Rom-Com, the podcast, we interviewed him.

Oh.

This next one comes from Dan in Illinois.

I was in a locker room at Planet Fitness and overheard a young guy say, if I had a hot girl, I'd never be cold.

If I'm cold, I'd be like, get over here, girl.

Tell me he's wrong.

Tell me he's wrong.

You can't.

I mean, yeah,

okay, so he heard.

Okay, can you say that again?

He heard somebody say that

about his girlfriend.

Oh, if he had a girlfriend.

If he had a girlfriend, yeah.

Okay.

Yeah, it's all cold.

If I was a little bit taller, then wow, I'd say.

if I was a baller,

it should have been called if, if,

yeah,

um, okay, that's good, that's okay, yeah, of course.

I'll just get a cat, yeah, uh, that'll warm you up, get a sense of self, yeah, you don't need a hot lady to warm you up.

Uh, this last one comes from Kirsten D over here.

I loved her and uh, bring it on, me too.

Oh, nice, nice work.

Um, this is Barry, Ontario.

This is out of vet's office.

Vet1 says, is this the cat's, is this the cat's name, Baby or Amy?

And Vet Tech 2 said, it's both.

She's registered as Baby Amy.

It's a little bit of both.

That's really cute.

Do you have a pet?

You don't have a pet, do you?

No.

Would you?

No.

Never?

Not a pet.

But if you're cold, then I get myself a hot woman.

There you go.

There you go.

No, I will never get a pet.

No.

My life is stressful enough.

I don't need a pet.

Don't need somebody to rely on you for their.

My friends are like, oh, I need $5,000 or my pet dies tomorrow.

Yeah.

It's been kidnapped by terrorists.

I don't need that in my life.

Yeah, fair enough.

It's true.

It is a

weird, like,

moral

sort of like...

conundrum you're in every few years.

Yeah.

Yeah.

Because you're you're a petman.

You've had dogs with me.

We got one too many dogs right now.

Yeah.

And one of them's not going to make the cut.

It's a race to the finish.

Instead of which goes to college.

Yeah, the other one is going to have to go to clown college.

Go to clown college if I have to.

College in the sky.

Go to the

going up to the college in the sky.

Clown College sounds awesome.

Yeah.

Honestly, if it was an option to go to clown school right now, I'd go.

Remember when Sean Devlin did that clown course?

Yes.

With the guy who was like,

did we talk about this recently?

The guy who trained Borat trained Sasha Barry.

And it was a weird, and Sean was very,

like, I think he was talking about how he just couldn't get it right.

Like, it's whatever clowning is supposed to be.

That's right.

Yeah.

I actually want to take clown classes.

Yeah.

Yeah.

Because somebody told me Toronto's got like a thriving clown scene.

I think it does.

I'm not part of it, but I'd like to take classes.

I feel like it'll help me be funnier physically.

Yeah.

You're physically hilarious.

That's the first laugh we've got like that today.

Okay.

In addition to overheards that are written, and we also accept your phone calls.

If you want to call us, our phone number is 1-800-IDEL 06.

1-844-779-7631.

That's one.

SpyPod 1.

Like these people have.

Hey, this is James in Hillsborough, Oregon.

I am a manager of an optometry clinic.

And this old guy and his

son came in today.

And then the son's like, hey, my dad needs to see your gynecologist.

So dad turns to him and says, my vagina is sponged.

Sorry.

And then

he goes, I need to see, I need to see your

This is going to be one of those ones that you hate.

And you believe it, and you laugh at me.

Dear God.

We don't hate it.

We love these.

This is the best one I've ever heard, frankly.

Okay, well, he did call back.

Okay, call back.

This is James calling from Hillsborough, Oregon.

Wait, hold on.

Did he hang up and give up and then call back again?

Oh, my God.

I love James.

He's from Hillsborough, Oregon.

Oh, the Hillsborough Hops, who the Vancouver Canadians sometimes play.

Right.

Okay.

This is James calling calling from Hillsborough, Oregon, and I am composed.

I called from, well, I am, the manager of an optometry clinic, and I had a patient come in today with his elderly father.

And the patient says, hey, my dad needs to see your gynecologist.

And the dad turns to him and he's like, I'm fine.

My vagina's fine.

And then I just kind of went through the entire situation.

I'm confused and glaring back and forth.

And then the dad leans in.

He says, no, I need to see your obstetrician.

The funny thing is that we're an optometry clinic, and

that's still the wrong type of doctor.

Wow.

That was awesome.

That was really good.

Yeah, I'm glad he called in and you know, took a second swing at him.

No, no, that was amazing, sweetie.

Please call back again.

The condescending sweetie has become a big part of our culture in the last year or two.

Oh, God.

No, no, I'm so serious.

Andy,

I love that.

Here's your next phone call.

Hi, Dave, Graham, and guest.

This is Kate calling from Vancouver, and I am calling in with an overseen.

It is one of the worst things I've ever seen in my life.

Uh-oh.

It

was driving behind a car with a bumper sticker, and on the bumper sticker was a picture of a little cartoon penis.

And the caption read, My owner beats me.

Oh, what the fuck?

There's that for you.

What?

Anyway, hello, you bye.

The owner of the penis.

Okay, I got it.

Did you not get it?

I did not get it whatsoever.

So, is this what it's like to write a script with you?

Listen, I'm kind of really funny.

What did you mean by that?

Oh, it's a joke.

I get jokes.

I'm really quick.

I riff a lot.

Do you?

Are you a riff?

No, I don't know how to riff.

You've been riffing the whole time you've been here.

It's debatable.

It's so debatable.

I feel like I've been fighting.

When you leave here, do you feel bad?

I kind of like

forget everything that happened.

It just goes.

I hope I didn't say anything about my roommates.

Yeah.

They're good people.

They're good people.

Yeah, there's no

good roommates on both sides.

I know, but you did, and you almost said something.

I wasn't going to say anything bad.

Okay, what were you going to say?

Just that they had a lot of sex.

Yeah, and they were obviously they were good at it if they had a lot of it.

So not necessarily.

Well, that's true.

Um, yeah, anyways,

we love having you.

Here's your final phone call of 2025.

Hey, Dave Gramlin and possible guests.

What Gremlin?

Colorado calling in with Neverheard.

Just joking.

Just joking.

Hey, Dave, Gramlin, and possible guests.

This is Stephen from Colorado calling in with an overheard.

Hang on, hang on.

So my wife and I were at a Sarah Sherman show a while back, and these people were talking to each other.

I guess they'd known each other from an improv class.

And she was telling him how she was.

in New York for three months practicing under some really popular

sad French clown or something.

And he was saying, Wow, that's a really long time to be away from home.

You must be settling back into your house really well, huh?

And she said, Oh, no, I got a really bad concussion.

He said, Oh, my gosh, what happened?

She said, I came home and I ran really hard into my freezer and knocked myself out.

Anyways,

I'll see you around.

Okay, wait, is that an inside joke?

Yeah, you just think that one guy was just doing it right now.

I thought he was just miffing.

Here's another phone call.

Hello, this is Rob from Broomfield, Colorado.

I was just calling in because I'm so delighted that

is catching on as an overheard thing already.

But

I didn't know if y'all knew the

reason why I thought that was so funny is from that episode 844 with Tess Deckenstein where y'all were talking about uh

the 1989 batman movie and how prince and

oh well i forgot what her name is

prince and someone were having sex in the sound recording booth and there was honey everywhere yeah and then dave said and i bet it sounded like

anyway so that was the origin of it oh anyway love the show bye-bye how

i had a question and you answered it in the mail that's crazy yeah we've got calls for everything um the you know, who's down, you'd never hear blah, blah, blah, blah, in.

Who?

TJ Collin.

Yeah, that's true.

He refuses.

That's an inside.

I don't know who that is.

DJ Collins?

DJ Collins?

Oh, DJ Cald.

I thought you said TJ

Stalin.

Yeah, TJ Stalin.

Yeah.

Joseph Stalin's great-great-grandson, who won't go down on it.

Oh, right.

Well,

that brings us to the end of this episode.

Uh, Bita, thank you for being our guest.

Can I sing you guys out?

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Wait, wait, sing with you.

What do you say?

Okay.

Thank you, everybody, for listening.

Come on back next week.

Wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait.

Last week, we did our call-in episode.

Thanks to everyone who called in.

And also, I forgot.

Thanks to everyone who wrote in and didn't get a chance to call us.

So he's next.

Was that a Patreon?

Nope.

Nope.

That's a freezer

episode.

Yeah.

Thanks, everyone, who did that.

And Graham's going to say goodbye while Bita sings us out.

Thank you, everybody, for listening and follow me.

Follow me on Instagram immediately.

She needs a thousand followers.

Bita Bita Bita is the address.

Thank you for being our guest.

Thank you, everybody out there, for listening.

We appreciate you.

We hope you're having a very good 2025.

Come on back next week

for another

episode

of

I hope you're happy.

Stop podcasting yourself.

What's all your things from?

I hope you're happy too.

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