Episode 868 - Myles Anderson

Hi, he's Dave Shumka, and he's Graham Clark.

And together we host Stop Podcasting Yourself.

Woo!

Hello, everybody, and welcome to episode number 868 of Stop Podcasting Yourself.

My name is Graham Clark, and with me, as always, is a man who, on a crisp fall day, which is really his time of year, he'll wear a jacket, but sometimes he'll blow you out of the water and wear a vest.

It's Mr.

Dave Shumka.

You're just taking me at my word.

That's true.

I didn't see you in it.

What type of vest are we talking about?

Puffy.

Puffy, Eddie Bauer.

No, Gantt.

Gant.

It's a Gantt vest.

And a little bit of...

The shoulders, you know, it's the regular

material, whether like nylon or whatever, all puffed up at the shoulders, corduroy.

Nice.

And then like little pockets?

You got pockets?

A hundred little pockets.

It's like a fishing wet.

Yeah, to put little pills in.

I have, I do like, you know, how they have those pill boxes that are seven days of the week.

Oh, yeah, yeah.

I have the first hundred days of the year

of pills.

Of pills.

So it's like, okay, February 29th.

Wait, this is a hidden box.

Our guest today, returning guest of the podcast, you can see his comedy special, Miles Per Hour, on YouTube via 800PoundGorilla.

He's a very funny comedian.

It's Miles Anderson.

Hello, Miles.

Hello, Graham.

Miles Per Hour, I get it now.

Yeah.

Now that I say it out loud,

Miles is already funny.

Now I should know this.

Miles with a Y.

Oh, of course.

The traditional Welsh spelling.

Okay.

Oh, of Welsh extraction, are you?

Yes.

Have you ever been?

Never.

Oh.

No?

I've been there.

There's Wales here.

Hey.

Oh, man.

It's already going so good.

If you guys have me back again, I'll see you again.

Yeah.

Bye.

Who are the famous?

Yeah, bye.

Thanks for coming.

Who are the famous Mileses from pop culture?

Oh, I'm famous?

I can tell you all of those.

Yeah, yeah, I could do it.

People tell me them all the time.

Okay, Miles Davis.

Miles Davis.

And that's it.

That's it?

Miles Teller's kind of.

Oh, yeah, Miles Teller.

Oh, yeah.

A lot of Miles is associated with jazz.

Yes.

Did you ever watch the show Murphy Brown?

Not at all.

Boy, you're going to love this.

The producer on that show?

Character's name?

Miles Silverberg.

Wow.

Hey, that's good.

That's a new one.

Yeah, as a kid, I feel like kids could just make fun of you by saying your name was like a, like, they could make fun of you as a kid and be like, what are you, David Letterman?

Or something like that?

Like, just because you have the same name as somebody else?

Did they do that for you?

They always gave me the, oh, should we call you Kilometers?

Yeah.

Why would anyone say David letter just because he's a guy because my name's david yeah

kids aren't that creative i think miles is cool yeah miles is because it's like wow this guy is going places yeah jazz guys are cool jazz guys are cool

kilometers suck every miles

uh should we get to know us yeah

get to know us Miles, the last time you were on, we were via Zoom, and I forgot that I didn't give you an an address to come to, that you just thought it was going to be on Zoom, which was the correct assumption.

Yes.

I am at 5 to 11 this morning.

It's like, why hasn't Miles asked me where the address is?

Asked me where the address is.

So, when you're booking a guest, do you just play a game of cat and mouse?

Well, Miles is so on top of things that I assume, oh, he'll just he remember the address from last time.

Because you are, you're very put together.

You're very, you're on your game.

I appear that way physically.

You do.

Listeners, just so you know, Miles' body, ooh, it's put together.

Oh, yeah, absolutely.

Everything's in the right place.

Yeah, you don't want to listen to his album.

You want to see the special.

You want to see this.

What did I haven't had the pleasure of watching a special?

What did you wear?

What was your outfit for the special?

Oh, I wore a knitted.

Why don't we watch it right now?

We're all here, anyways.

I wore a knitted polo.

Okay.

Knitted a polo?

Who knit it?

Oh, probably children.

But I try to, you know, I I actually do try to avoid slave shirts.

And they are very expensive.

It's really tough to get natural fiber shirts that are, I don't want plastic.

I don't want an underpaid slave to make it.

And it really hurts the finances.

So I have like three shirts.

This is one of those.

This is one of those.

Yeah, it's a good quality looking shirt.

Cashmere sweater.

Nice.

Cashmere.

I know.

And I have

too warm.

I am a thin man.

Yeah.

This is basically my layer of body fat that I don't have it's just the the wool I usually put a layer of wool between me and my emotions

but yeah it's uh it's tough it's tough out there trying to find ethical clothes and especially in Canada there's actually quite a few US companies you can get clothes that don't have plastic

or sad labor all my clothes have plastic in them don't they almost yeah a lot of they have like a um a blend of uh what's that stuff called polyester polyester yeah Yeah.

What I like about polyester is it, uh, you know, if you have like a nice cashmere sweater, maybe you can hand that down to your children.

But polyester you can hand down for generations.

It's going to be around.

You can be buried in it.

And when they dig you up in a thousand years, they'll see how much drip you had.

Every thousand years we like to dig people up

to see what's going on down there.

Wow, Are they short oil yet?

No, okay, back in the tank you go.

Do we get to know us?

Are we getting to know us?

Yeah.

Okay, good.

I'm out of my

game today.

I'm going to tell the guest the address.

Graham is before the show, I told him the number of the episode three times.

Yeah, I know.

I'm off my game today.

I think I have a bit of jet lag, which I don't usually get, but I'm really feeling it today.

Oh, where were you?

Our nation's capital.

Oh, yeah.

Wow.

Not my nation's capital.

What's your nation's capital again?

Uranium City.

Yeah, I was visiting

our Minister of Defense.

Oh.

And you know what?

He's doing a really good job.

How are the guns?

Good.

Good.

Nice.

Polished, ready to go.

He can disassemble one and assemble one without even looking at him.

All right.

I feel safe.

Is he

the guy in charge of our military somebody who has ever been in our military?

They try to do that with like,

you know, like whatever, the minister of education, they try to make them like at least a substitute teacher at one point.

Yeah, yeah, the minister of you know, women's affairs, they at least get a guy in a wig,

they ladybugs it,

one of the kids in the hall.

Yeah, that's right, Kevin McBell,

the Minister of Childhood Development, they have a little kid,

Or just a guy like on his knees with shoes.

They look like a kid.

The Minister of Dwarf on Golf.

Yeah, so I came back from Ottawa yesterday.

I'll tell you all about it later in the show.

We're talking about Miles.

Okay, me, okay.

Now, last time we were here,

you

gave us the exclusive that you're a piano teacher.

Yes.

Yeah.

And you, I asked you,

how do you get the different hands?

How do you get the hands working working

doing different things?

And I want an update.

I want to update you.

Still can't do it.

Sometimes I'll get the bass note going, but like,

not the bass notes.

No, just the.

I'll have a like a.

This is the way too long of a stretch between piano lessons.

I feel like once every few months is not going to give you the motivation.

Well, I play.

I'll play.

I just don't know what I'm doing.

Yeah.

These are mostly

like kids that are coming every week, multiple times a week.

What is the I teach usually once a week?

Once a week, okay.

That tends to be enough.

Some kids I teach every two weeks.

Sometimes they phase out of piano lessons and they want to do like a soft leave.

Right.

And stretch the lessons out until finally they're like, I think we're done.

Yeah.

Like, I could have told you that a long time ago.

Have you had a student that just like, no matter what you've done, just stinks?

Oh, get it at all.

Most.

Most?

Okay.

You know,

I'm not a good teacher.

I'm usually just one lesson ahead of the kids.

Yeah.

Just, I'm honestly, I would always be afraid if they were really good.

There's kind of like a procedure, like there's like a red telephone I would pick up and phone my teacher and be like, we have a situation.

Yeah.

This kid's really good.

It's like in that thing you do where they get a manager and then the manager eventually

the representative becomes Tom Hanks and they're like, oh, well, we like our old manager.

Yeah.

And he's like, no, it's my job to get you to Tom Hanks.

Right.

Yeah, yeah.

It's Miles' job to get you to Miles Davis.

Yeah.

If I found a Wonder Kid, yeah, I would definitely take him to Motown.

Get him to Motown.

Get him signed right there in Detroit.

Is Motown still doing stuff?

Sure.

It's cranking it.

I don't make cars anymore.

Yeah, yeah.

Yeah,

they're not as good as they once were, sure, but they're

resilient.

Yeah, sure.

But are they like a legacy record label or are they still a record label putting out?

Because I know in the 90s there were still Motown artists.

Yeah, because Woods and Boys to Men, weren't they Motown?

I remember a friend of mine saying Motown at some point, and me being like, Yeah, Motown.

I know Britney Spears was Jive Zomba.

What?

Jive.

On the music videos, it would say the artist title, and then at the bottom it would say the name of their

record label, and hers would be jive slash zomba.

Jive is such a great word.

Do you guys think it could be the jivest podcast?

Oh, man, we've tried.

Yeah, we tried.

It turns out we're zomba.

Oh, it's too bad.

Yeah.

So tell me a bit about, because I've never shot a comedy special.

Yeah.

Where did you shoot it?

How many cameras?

What was the procedure?

Tell me everything.

Well, it was at Heckler's.

Okay.

My Heckler's Comedy.

Home Club where I was born and raised.

Oh, yeah, that is your home club.

So it it was very comfortable, lots, you know, at least 15 cousins in the crowd.

Oh, nice.

And it was like three candidates.

All male cousins or what are we, a good mix of cousins?

Yeah, the female cousins kind of flee and find prosperity.

Yeah, I find that, yeah, the female cousin Jean is

recessive.

The male cousins all stay and do roofs and gutters.

Yeah, yeah, yeah, that's right.

The female cousins, I've never seen them.

No.

And you know what?

It's none of my business.

You know what I mean?

You know what?

Fine.

Don't see the special.

I don't care.

Yeah.

I don't give a shit.

Oh, yeah.

Did you do, you did more than one show, or did you do one?

I did two shows.

Two shows, okay.

And then, yeah,

it's a good time.

I mean, do you got it, Graham?

Tell me about it.

Video's the future.

And I think that, you know, when you're ready,

I think video is going to be good, but you really have to.

It's funny because a lot of comedy now is

farming clips

for social media.

I think you've got anybody's farming based.

And I was like, yeah, there is a good crop rotation.

I do try to grow potatoes in my apartment just to offset the cost of living here.

God, I remember when I was a kid.

Don't worry, my potato bill's way down.

Yeah, it's like the Martian.

I feel like I can survive.

I remember when I was a kid, Brian Regan had this great bit about he had like an uncle.

who the government was paying not to grow corn.

I couldn't tell you anything about the bit except that it called back at the end of his special.

I thought it was so brilliant.

Yeah.

Yeah.

I remember watching a special by a guy named Ben Elton, and he had a joke that, like, started.

Started today?

Yeah, that's a guy.

He was involved, I think, in the Mr.

Beatle.

Yeah, I think he was in the, maybe he wrote the first episode.

Yeah.

And he had a thing that, like,

a premise that started off the show, and then he looped it back at the end.

And I was like, this is the best fucking thing ever.

Damon Schritter's like volunteer firefighter bit.

Was that one of those?

Did it have bits in between?

Yeah, yeah.

And then it came back.

I got to fight a fire.

Yeah.

Oh, well, I, I man, this is perfect for about me.

Here we go.

I end, my special ends with a bit about how

I went to a

neuropsychologist to get examined.

What does that mean?

Okay, yeah.

This is based in truth.

This is true.

This is a true story.

Because I was, I do things like meticulously wrong.

Go on.

Like carefully, like, you know, like if you saw like a watchmaker with like all the

magnifying glasses and tools, and he's just like, just making a fucking nightmare.

Like, and he pills it off, and it's just, he made us slinky.

Like, that's basically how my brain is really bad.

Oh, the world needs slinkies.

So, what your brain takes things.

I just do things wrong, and and I was doing really bad on my theory exams at school, and it was weird because I went to the I had the theory examiner who and music theory, music theory.

So, but it was harmony, which is like an advanced theory.

So, you were taking like, you'll take like a soprano voice.

Graham knows this.

And you'll have like

the one singing voice, and then they'll be like, okay, add a tenor, bass, and altogether.

Tenor is like a $10 bill.

Yeah, it's like a, yeah.

Soprano, like the gangster's go on.

10 quid, right?

10 quid, go on.

And then you add those voices underneath to make the soprano voice sound nice with harmonizations here.

Exactly.

It's very difficult to do.

Hey, Tony.

How's Dr.

Melfie doing?

Soprano.

Exactly.

Soprano.

I don't think any of them know about Dr.

Yeah, I guess Carmella does.

You take a piece of music and you add organized crime.

I was,

my teacher, I did really bad on it.

He's like, he got me to mark my own exam and I went through it.

I'm like, well, this is a disaster.

Like,

why did I do this all wrong?

Like, I could the next day look at it and be like, well, whoever did this is an idiot.

And he's like, that was.

And then he failed.

It was you.

And he's like, you might have brain problems.

And I was like, how dare you?

And like, but what, what

problem?

Like, seems like you've gotten far enough in school that.

Well, this is a funny thing.

Again, like, you, you saw me.

I physically look organized.

You do.

You look very.

And I know you to be quite organized.

And I can be quite organized.

And it's such a, I am, I, is it,

I built the charade well.

I was, um, in school, I was always in trouble.

I was suspended a lot in school.

Suspended.

Suspended.

I was not a goody two-shoes kid.

I was like, I lit fires in elementary school.

No way.

Yeah, like

the real makings of a

criminal master.

Yeah, wow.

And,

and, but they never fly me.

Like, kids weren't like when you were bad in school, they were, you were just punished.

Like, I, I mean, I talk about my stand-up.

I was locked out of the class a lot of the time, just like in like

a separate room and stuff by yourself, yeah, by myself, because they were like, I was a total disruptor, like, totally like Uber.

Yeah, I was like Uber or Airbnb,

but I couldn't make any money.

Boy, what you needed was an angel investor.

So

I, you know, I probably should have been diagnosed with something early on.

And like, my mom is with the school secretary.

And so she had access to like permanent records.

She had access to line one, line two.

Yeah,

she could phone the prime minister if she wanted and get me my help.

But she did it.

She refused.

She refused.

But anyway, so I was like a disaster in school.

And so eventually I went at the music school.

They were like, you should get tested.

I'm like, how dare you?

And they're like, how old are you at this point?

I was like 20, 21.

You might get grant money.

They asked.

So I was like, well, this changes everything.

Yeah.

So I went and got tested.

And it was like nine hours over two days of this like crazy test.

And they were like, you know, everything from like insane tests where like I was like, you know, doing like little like spatial awareness puzzles and stuff.

And then

it reminds me of the Royal Tenon bombs when

Bill Murray's got that one patient he's like developing his whole theory on.

Do you remember that?

No.

I remember Bill Murray being the doctor in Ghostbusters where he's making the guy, he's zapping the one guy because he's getting the

Grand Hog Day when he's.

He also plays piano.

We all remember Bill Murray.

But like, what was, what were they after?

Were they?

So they were just like, something's wrong.

Like, we're like, we probably have like ADHD or something, or some sort of like neurodivergent thing that's going on that is making you

have these problems.

Yeah.

And so I got tested, and then I had like this thick result file.

And he's discussing the results with me.

And he's like, you know,

you definitely are going to be getting a grant for sure.

Like, you're a green light for the grant.

But also, you know, we did an IQ test as well in this whole thing.

And you may have an IQ as low as 86.

Like, how do you feel about that?

And in my stand-up, I say to him, I say, out of 100?

And

it really is quite remote.

Didn't give you a span, like maybe as low as 86, but it might be 200.

No, yeah, I mean, it goes

as high as maybe like 110 or something.

It's not high, but I always think it's so funny because people are obsessed with, especially like nowadays, with people being so hyper-productive and trying to optimize themselves.

It's very funny if I reveal to people that I'm medically dumb.

I'm like, you've been talking to me for like half an hour.

Like, that means you're dumb.

You're dumb.

Graham and Dave, you guys actually might be dumb.

Yeah, we know.

We've got like, we've been told.

We've got like 1,200 hours of evidence.

Yeah, exactly.

You did nine hours.

I

Graham made a medically dumb guy ride his bike super fast up here.

That's one of my many tests.

But what else was there that was there like

about you?

Was there anything in there that explains why you turn

your metaphor of a watch into a slinky?

Like

your inability to do that.

Highly distractible.

Highly distractible, highly disorderable, like, like really bad.

Yeah, no logical thinking.

Okay.

You know,

and I often find that I was like that at school.

The teacher would say something, you know,

she'd be talking about, you know, the history of England.

And I'd be thinking about like why jive is such a cool word.

Yeah.

I'm like this lesson super jive right now.

The history of England is boring.

What's that?

The history of England is boring.

It is history doesn't really get good until like samurai times.

Yeah, samurai times.

Yeah.

Then shit really gets

cooked.

Yeah,

what can you tell us about samurai times?

Well, here's the thing.

were

bound by the code of the Boshi Doe.

And

if you dishonored your family, that was you had to kill yourself.

Yeah.

Yeah.

Did they ever swing their partner or did it just Boshi Doe?

Just Boshi Doe.

Now,

what Zamurai movies have you seen?

Seven Samurai.

Seven.

The Shanghai Noon.

I've only seen Seven Samurai and maybe not even the second VHS.

I saw you saw three and a half samurais.

Three and a half samurais.

And I've seen the Tom Cruise Last Samurai.

Oh, yeah, right.

And wasn't there one with Matt Damon as well where he played us?

Yeah, the Last Samurai part two.

But see, now, were you getting bad grades and that's why things were flagged?

Because I feel like I got good grades because I could memorize things.

But I don't think I noticed that.

Or he wasn't flagged until that one time.

Yeah, I did.

I did okay in school until like high school.

Oh, I thought that you were like, sorry, I thought you were like a bad person.

I was a bad student in university for sure.

And you're starting fires in university.

It was like the opposite.

Most kids are like bad in high school because it's bad and they find their passion and they get good at it.

The problem with me was that

when I went to university,

I was like, I'm doing a music degree.

This doesn't matter.

Why am I even here?

And I discovered comedy.

I'm like, comedy is so much, but it was crazy to do stand-up and be like, man, this is so much easier than playing classical piano.

My cousins don't even show up to my research.

Yeah, no one cares.

Like, it was so insane to me that, like, also, like, people that I met in music school, like, they were just unbelievably better than me.

I was like, this is clearly the wrong path.

Like, I'm not just going to, I'm not going to whiplash myself into being the best at Bach because it also will pay somehow less than comedy.

Now, did you...

Did you finish your degree?

I did, yeah.

I got my bachelor's degree.

And then that's it.

You're just like, off to comedy I go.

Yeah, I mean, I was doing comedy the whole time when I was at music school.

And I was basically just going to music school in the daytime to assure my grandparents I was doing something where I could live at their attic.

Oh, you lived in the attic.

I knew you lived with them, but okay.

You had your own

partner that I had.

Did they have a piano up there?

Yeah, they had a little keyboard, but the weighted keys kind of thumped on the floor, so I had to knock it off during Antiques Road Show.

Oh, that's a three-hour block on Mondays.

It was tough.

Yeah, and I remember seeing you when you were very, very first starting out and you found your voice because I remember at the beginning, I was like, this guy's still looking for it.

Oh, yeah.

It is funny when you start comedy.

You just are a hack of the worst kind.

Oh, yeah.

And you just can't help it.

And it's just the filthiest.

And so it's so exciting.

Yeah.

Yeah.

It's funny, like, if I go and watch Young Comics Now, they're telling the exact same jokes that every other comic has ever been telling.

Oh, yeah, just totally permutations of the same type of jokes.

And it's fun to watch because they don't know.

They think this is the first person who's come up with this.

Yeah.

What's the subject matter?

Any potpourri.

Any

like how X-rated is the podcast?

Oh, this.

Oh, I mean, we go there.

We're not afraid to go there.

Oh, okay.

Yeah.

This is like Club Random times ever.

Club Random.

You guys, big Bill Maher guys?

Oh, huge.

Oh, hell yeah.

Yeah.

What is

new rules, right?

New rules.

What is your

did you get?

So this was your diagnosis, and they were like, here's a grant.

Yeah.

But was there any like treatment?

Yeah.

The tester is just like, if we do this right, we can get a little cash out of it.

Do I get 10% if I diagnose you?

There was complications because when I got the grant, I was super excited.

And then

the doctor billed me $2,600 for the exam.

And I was driving a $300 Honda Civic at the time.

And I was just like,

to me, I was thinking, I'm like, that's like so many Honda Civics.

And you look at the doctor's, he gave you his card.

His name is Grant.

Wait, was this all just a way to get you paid?

Dr.

Grant.

It's like a little dinosaur, honestly.

He takes off his sunglasses when you come to the bottom.

So a paleontologist diagnosed me as having 86 IQ.

And it's just a dinosaur test the whole time.

You're almost as dumb as a bronchosaurus.

It was something of a bird brain.

Every Rorschach picture, I'm just like Brontosaurus.

Stagosaurus.

Well, Dr.

Grant would be like, this guy's smart.

Yeah, he did.

Were there Rorschach tests?

No, there weren't.

Oh, I think not as popular anymore.

Did you do, what was the coolest test?

Man, the one I fixated on was he said, phone me tomorrow morning.

It was like a memory test, phone me tomorrow morning at 10 a.m.

And I was up.

That was it.

As soon as he told me that, I literally couldn't answer any other questions because I was like, got to remember this.

Oh, really?

And I think maybe that was my weird brain.

Like, I can be very obsessive for short bursts and then

can't think of anything else.

But so all I did was I basically flunked every question and then phoned them the next day, like nailed it.

It's such a strange thing.

Well, I do like so specific.

I do like those when someone, my kids specifically, learn a riddle that's like,

or one of those sort of brain teasers that's like, okay,

Mary has seven kids.

And the first one is five.

The second one is like three years younger.

This other one, and then at the end, what was the mother's name?

Mary.

Yeah.

I always like know that the

when there's a super long question, the first sentence is the most important.

Yeah.

And like, do you ever have a test in school where the whole test was there like, read every question.

And then the final one was like, you don't have to do the test or whatever.

And then

100%.

You've told me that you had this once.

Yeah,

well, I nailed it.

That's why.

That was my intelligence test.

And I scored 100.

So,

so yeah, what

did you do anything where you had like

had to like

listen for a particular pattern of sound or something like that?

Yeah, music school is what he did.

He asked me what I wanted, like what I wanted to do as a career in the future.

Right.

And I told him that I wanted to host the tonight show.

And he run in his notebook for like a minute and a half.

I think that might have clinched the graph.

This guy thinks he's fucking, it's Jimmy Felons to lose.

There's no way that

is such like a new comedian thing to say.

Like that's the most like 2012 answer.

Cause like what a disaster.

Like, now, you know, we all want to be Joe Rogan.

I mean,

yeah.

What are we doing this for?

If not,

he's way more important than Jimmy whoever.

But I do feel like

there is a, I feel like every comedian's mother, when they see like, oh, Jon Stewart's leaving the Daily Show, maybe you should.

You should apply.

Oh, yeah.

So I feel like there is a kind of adult who believes that's possible.

Yeah, of course.

But, like, would you that seems like a thing when you're starting out in comedy?

They're like, that seems to be the goal, but it seems like it would actually be an awful job because you're having to have the most brainless conversations with celebrities.

So, tell me about that.

You used to play tennis.

We're having the most brainless conversations right now.

I know, but not with today's young rising.

He's talking to an intellectual, an 86-level.

Yeah.

Level 86 intellectual.

Do you think that now, having been in comedy, that that's still like the

far-off goal?

Or are you like that?

You know what?

I could see myself in 2100 when the tonight shows down to three viewers hosting the tonight show

in like the burned-out remains of 30 Rock.

I could probably make it

drive an ATV down an empty,

an empty main street.

It's more of a laugh of a situation.

That's right.

So it's just you, one surviving cameraman.

After the fungus takes over, I think.

My parents are at the time of this recording in New York, and they went through the whole month of October.

And one of the things they did was yesterday, just yesterday, they went to the Daily Show, and they were telling me about it.

And I was like, who hosts it now anyway?

Because I was like, I know, I think Trevor Noah is done.

But then I saw that Jon Stewart is sometimes.

I thought Roy Wood Jr.

was going to take.

I don't really feel.

Leslie Jones is in there from time to time.

I'm like, who's hosting it?

And my dad goes, same host they always have, Michael Costa.

Michael Costa.

I'm like, oh, yeah, I know who that is.

I had no idea he was hosting it.

No, it's,

but it does seem like that's, I don't know why that is like the common dream of like, you want to be the center of a television show where it's just jokes all night.

Well, Johnny Carson also had like the greatest gig ever because he would play, you know, tennis every morning, roll into the tonight's show lot,

you know, look over the monologue jokes, tape for two hours, and go back and have

dinner with Ed McMahon.

Yeah, yeah.

You think he was having dinner with Ed?

And the Gambino family.

He would put an envelope up to his head.

You wouldn't even know.

Would he even know what was coming?

He would do it with the check at the restaurant.

Dinner with Rickles.

yeah exactly well and he had uh

he had a deal like towards the end of his career where he was only taping like two or three days a week oh the rest was uh he would just do to the end of the week or they would run reruns getting paid as much as the state of montana well the thing is they want he he he wanted them to stop running his reruns on saturday night and so nbc found this ragtag

group of

they wanted them to fail did you ever see that movie yes

miles no

I'm a bitter jaded old man now.

Yeah.

I don't have as much rosy glasses for.

No, I want to see it.

I was going to see it the other day.

I ended up seeing The Substance.

Which also,

I won't spoil anything for you, but there is like a talk show element of it.

And it is like the person who made the movie has never seen a talk show.

Maybe it's one of our mothers.

You just go on there and they ask you about your life.

And it's all glamorous.

It's funny because in Remember in Joker, Robert De Niro plays the talk show host and it's like he's never I'm like but you've been on talk shows.

You know what a talk show host sounds like and it's just completely like it could have been anybody they threw in there to be a talk show host.

He's so

is he really a good actor?

Or have we been snowed by the fact that he made a couple good early films?

He made a lot of good early films.

Yeah.

Like and early is like 25 years.

Yeah.

I would say up until what was his last great film?

Meet the Falker.

I was going to say Meet the Parents.

Yeah, Meet the Parents was probably his last

legit, good.

Like, what do you, did you?

I never saw the Irishman, but people kind of make fun of him in it.

Well, everybody's made funnable in that movie.

It shouldn't have been made.

If it was going to be made, it should have been made 50 years ago.

There's that picture of, is it Al Pacino walking around on the giant

shoes?

The like

movie?

Yeah.

Because they've all shrunk these guys.

So they needed to have like lifts to no wow.

I was doing like movies.

Oh, I love movies.

Yeah.

I just watched uh I we were I was going through a lot of 90 movie nineties movies this summer because the Vancouver Film Festival was doing like decade movie themes in the last couple of years.

So we went and saw 70s movie summer two years ago.

Then they did 80s movie summer.

And it's awesome to see like movies I've never seen before, but I get to see them on the big screen.

So were these all blockbuster films?

They were like I saw Apocalypse for the first time.

Oh, yeah.

I got to see it in theaters.

Yeah.

And then I saw,

well, I saw Raiders of the Lost Dog.

I've seen that one before like a hundred times, but seeing it in the theater is really cool.

Yeah.

To hear like the music, the John Williams music at like full blast.

And then this summer, they didn't do it because they were renovating the theater.

So we started to watch 90s movies and we went through a really lot of sweets.

Me and my partner, Justine.

Hi, Justine.

Hi, Justine.

Hello, Justine.

So, what were you, what was the meal you you were looking at?

Comedies, traction, horror?

She curated a list of ones that she hadn't seen and I hadn't seen and I watched we watched Twister because the new twister was coming out and I was like Twister's a lot of fun Twister I've never seen Twister not as good as I remember Okay, interesting pretty loose premise But I thought it was a list you of things you hadn't seen She hadn't seen it.

Oh, okay.

It didn't have to over We both hadn't seen the sixth sense.

We watched that last week.

Yeah, and

that was a spooky one and it's unfortunate my dad spoiled that for me when I was like nine years old My dad would walk in, spoil a movie, and be like, you can't see it because you're too young, but this is how it ends.

Just go back to the movie.

You'll be forever too young to see this film.

My own mother famously spoiled that for me

20 minutes before I saw it.

Because she thought, she was under the, she left the movie feeling like, oh, were we supposed to know that the whole time?

She didn't get that it was supposed to be a twist to the end.

She's like, dave, just don't, just so you know, someone's dead the whole time.

The cable guy, we watched that one recently too.

Yeah.

That was good.

I like the cable guy.

I loved it too.

Classic Jim Carrey.

He actually

has grown on me more.

I don't think I like Jim Carrey.

Really?

I don't think I ever did.

Huh.

I love Jim Carrey growing up.

Oh, my God.

Truman Show.

I think it might be my favorite Jim Carrey movie.

I never saw it.

Truman Show.

Truman Show.

So good.

Why, like, when I when he first came around, because he was on in Living Color, I thought he was the funniest thing alive when he was on Living Color.

And then, like, he got a movie.

I was like, he got a movie?

Fire Marshal Phil's got his movie.

Yeah, no, I was always a big fan.

But

the

cable guy nearly derailed his whole career because he was doing these like very silly comedies.

And then that one's kind of dark a bit.

And it was the like, it was a big deal that he would make $20 million.

$20 million.

Can you imagine?

The 90s was the Jim Carrey rules of printing.

It's weird.

They wrote him a $20 million check, but they buried it with his dad.

You got to dig this up if you want to kid.

It's okay.

He's wearing polyester clothes.

It's okay.

That's him.

But you hadn't seen the cable guy before.

The cable guy hadn't seen election.

You just did Matthew Broderick's movie.

I just did.

You see these actors that were just, they were in every movie in the 90s.

Yeah.

It's crazy.

Like, they had big, they're movie stars back then.

Yeah, Matthew Broderick was a bona fide movie star.

Yeah.

I was, uh, I thought cable guy was super funny.

Like, Jim Carrey is just so, like, absurdly over the top.

I feel like, too, like, I, I just love how free he is.

Like, you don't really see that kind of weird performance.

And he's also like from Glenn Powell.

No, Glenn Powell.

There's a clip that kind of goes around, and it's Jim Carrey

at a party with 50 Cent, and he does this really crazy dance.

And 50 Cent can't, he loses his mind.

He's laughing.

So, of course.

But you're just so used to seeing him being so serious and Jim Carrey just like cracking him up.

I'm sure if I was at a party with Jim Carrey, I'd love him.

Absolutely.

Do you ever, you've seen that clip of him when he like accepts the award at the MTV Movie Awards, like the hippie character?

Oh my god, no.

Oh, really?

No.

Oh, my God.

It's so good.

No.

He goes up like he's a full

60s biker guy and he goes up and does this whole character.

And oh,

it's really good.

I won't say

Diamond Diamond J, right?

Yeah.

What do you think?

It's good.

I don't, I think I like the jokes in it, but I don't like him.

Like, I don't like,

I hate Ace Ventura.

Wow.

Okay.

Yeah.

Well, that's mostly him.

Yeah.

Very little else going on.

I mean, he totally is a divisive man.

I can understand why.

But like, I didn't realize it until recently.

Yeah.

And I was thinking back, I was like, wow, kids were like doing impressions of him in school.

Yeah.

Yeah.

He was pretty Jive.

He was.

He was Jive Zamba, man.

My equivalent of that was Adam Sandler.

I kind of never understood why people loved Adam Sandler so much.

But now you do.

Now that I've gone back and done a retrospective Hubie Halloween, I was like, oh, yeah, I get it.

Now that he's taken a few months off for making movies.

No, he hasn't.

He makes a movie every three months.

Yeah.

It must be for him just like almost relaxing at this point, making movies.

Like it doesn't, nothing would stress him out.

He's not people that that everybody relax.

He does, he really relaxed.

If the shorts are any indication, we dig up his body in a thousand years, just perfectly preserved, huge short.

Yeah, there's Adam Sandler, the famous

put in the Smithsonian.

These are Adam Sadler's famous basketball huge shorts.

The Kevin Smithsonian.

That's if they have hockey turkeys

and a racket.

Yeah, he's really,

locked in on that one.

Look,

it works.

Yeah.

He's so skinny now.

He lost all that weight.

Sandler?

No, Kevin Smith.

Kevin Smith, yeah.

Because

he had a heart attack.

Oh, it's a great diet.

Yeah.

Yeah.

Good for you.

So what was the tops of the 90s?

What was the best?

We really liked Election.

Election Election.

That's really.

Election's classic.

Sixth Sense was really good, too.

I thought that was a good movie.

Yeah.

And Twister.

That was it.

Those are the three bigs.

What would you say is your favorite 90s movie?

Ooh, that's a really good question.

I mean, it's probably Shaw Shank for me.

Yeah.

Shaw Shank Redemption.

Yeah, it's very good.

90s movie.

I don't think I've ever sat down and watched all of it at once.

I would catch it.

If it

is any indication from my adult person, it would be Casino.

Since I've seen Casino,

probably just shy of 50 times.

Oh, my God.

And it's not because it's particularly great, but I just like the flow of it.

Like I can just put it on in the background.

You put it above Goodfellas?

Because I think that's also a nice movie.

Goodfellas.

Good fellas.

I mean, logically, no, but

emotionally, yes.

Yeah, I feel like if I was going to list them, it would be such like

cheesy, like,

all right, it'll like, you're such a boy because you love seven.

Seven.

Seven really set the plate for the gore,

you know, your saws and whatnot, your hostels.

That was really like the first but, like, yeah, if my whole list would be like seven and good fellas and

just boy movies, yeah, yeah, G.I.

Joe,

Street Fighter.

Toy Story was so huge for me.

Oh, yeah.

Because I'm the same age as Andy in that movie.

They aged him chronologically.

Like when the next movies came out, he was so when I was 18

and they did Toy Story 3,

Andy in Toy Story was 18.

And when I saw Toy Story 3, it was like the most emotional.

Well,

and it was the end of like a pretty good trilogy.

And then they were like, you know what?

We're doing this Rocky style.

We're going

four.

We're doing five.

We're doing six.

Yeah, I didn't, I haven't watched anything.

I haven't watched Past Toy Story 3 because I thought it was like such a good.

They've just done four and light year, right?

Yeah.

And I feel like lightyear is one they would like to scrub from the record.

And they didn't bring Tim Allen back.

No, because Chris Pratt needs to be every voice.

It was Chris Evans, wasn't it?

I thought it was Pratt dog.

I think it was Evans dog.

But it was, wasn't the idea that like this would have been the TV show that the toy was based on?

Yeah.

But it's like, why wouldn't he have the same voice?

That's true.

But I could also see people not wanting to work with Tim Allen.

He probably is a pretty abrasive person.

Well, you know what his reason for it would be.

That's why he's in trouble.

Because he said that

being a conservative in Hollywood is like being a Jew in Nazi Germany.

So I feel like then that's a real recast.

That's probably, yeah, yeah, yeah.

That's a recast of the rest of the world.

I literally thought you were going to make a joke.

You know why he didn't want to do it?

Because it needed more power.

I didn't think you were going to.

It's a sad reason.

It's a sad reason.

Oh, I keep track.

he goes on the list for jokes oh yeah that's maybe one of my top movies uh the santa claus of the 90s i day man he's saw it in the theater he's an artist it was oh man like tim allen when i was growing up i i hated him so much i hated home providing i mean i watched it but i hated it and then one like we would get like a kind of a movie a week to to watch on like friday or whatever and one time it was the santa claus i was so mad i was like i hate this so much there's that guy you like?

There's a scene where they do like a silly walk or a silly walk dance that is just like, oh, this is making my skin crawl.

I hate this guy so much.

Oh, that's tough.

Because the whole gag was, hey, I'm fat all of a sudden.

That was the whole running gag of the movie.

And then a little bit of Santa Claus lore here and there.

Jingle all the way.

Now, that's that's a 90s movie.

Yeah.

I watch every year.

I've never seen that.

You've never seen Jingle All the Way.

So there's some ones.

I haven't seen it.

There's certain ones that I'm like, if I didn't like Will Farrell, I would never have seen Elf.

Like, I was just too old for it.

Yeah.

But because,

like, I never saw Jingle of the Way because it was a kids' movie and it came out when I was wanting to be a grown-up.

Yeah, you were watching Seven.

That was your favorite Christmas movie.

You're watching.

Have you guys ever considered that maybe Die Hard is like sort of in the pantheon of Christmas movies?

Did that ever occur to you?

What is at an office party on Christmas Eve, a thing that you do?

Good night, everybody.

I'm going to go to the office party.

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Sugar plums and all that.

If you do film a stand-up special, Grant, make it a Christmas special, please.

Oh, that's good idea.

You get the returning.

Even just mention Christmas.

No, but you're right.

Do a full Christmas

special.

And then, yeah, every year they...

Because you know that's the thing.

Every time somebody makes a Christmas movie, you're like, will this be the one?

Will this be the next?

Did you go all the way?

or like a Christmas song, you're like, Well, we're gonna play this on the radio.

There's gonna be radio stations devoted to Christmas music, and they're not gonna care that this is the 80th best Christmas song because the last one that was like a modern that that stuck was

Mariah, and then never since.

But it's it's possibly attainable because she was able to do it.

She's a contemporary artist, so maybe in the 80s there were a ton.

I mean, there were five,

Name them.

Well, last Christmas.

Yeah.

Wonderful Christmas time.

Nice.

Do they know it's Christmas?

Oh, yeah, that's a good list so far.

Boy.

So this is Christmas?

Is that one of them?

No.

Is that the 70s?

Yeah, well, John Lennon didn't really live very long in the 80s, did he?

Yeah, that's true.

Did he mate?

And, you know what?

That three was pretty good.

The three I named?

Really good, yeah.

This is a perfect opportunity for me to plug my Christmas song

that I wrote many years ago.

Me and my friend Brian wrote it.

We wrote it for Scientologists on Christmas.

It's called One Billion Years of Christmas.

And

available everywhere now.

Is it on Get On?

It's on Spotify, yeah.

Is it on Spotify?

It's such a big genre that there even are a bunch of like classic comedy Christmas songs.

Oh, yeah.

Oh, I was fantastic Christmas with Bob and Oak McKenzie.

Yeah, all-time great.

Grandma got run over by a reindeer.

Oh, yeah.

It's the Christmas Donkey.

Is that considered a comedy song?

Do you know of the Christmas Donkey song?

It's a song by Lou Monty.

Dominic the Donkey.

I literally hadn't heard of it.

Grandma got run over by a reindeer.

Which one is this?

It's.

There's one comedy.

Okay, strap your brain in for this, 86.

It's called Dominic the Donkey by Lou Monty.

It goes jiggity ching, hee haul, hee haw, hee haw.

It's Dominic the Donkey.

Jiggity ching, hee haw, hee haw, the Italian Christmas donkey.

It's a real song.

And I only learned about it.

It's a Tommy song.

It's not a big song.

I feel like it's an effort to make the next great character, like Rudolph or Frosty.

Dominic the Italian Christmas donkey.

I feel so bad because last time I was here, we talked about Good King Wenceslaus.

We got to talk about this.

How does this happen?

He's one of the great Christmas characters, Good King Wenceslas.

You know, somebody's got the rights to the Christmas donkey.

The Christmas

man handling it.

Christmas donkey.

Are you going to do a 2000s

curated list?

Oh, for early 2000s.

Those are great movies, too.

I think that was a great era.

1990 to 2010 was like a good 20-year stretch.

Yeah.

And then the financial crisis really took the wind out of

Hollywood.

They had a lot of money tied up in houses.

Yeah, it was, I don't know.

I love the early 2000s comedies.

I love Super Bad.

Oh, yeah, Super Bad's great.

Majed Apatow Run was pretty fun.

Like

those dramedies.

Yeah.

Knocked out.

I could give or take.

What was it?

Take or leave, rather.

The one with Jason Siegel and Paul Rudd, where they're

trying to be best friends.

What was that one called?

Oh,

Bros Before Hoes.

Love You Man.

Yeah, I love You Man.

I'm sure it wasn't Bros Before Hoes?

I thought that was pretty funny.

Yeah, that's a good era.

There's the, you know,

all the Ashton Kutchers.

Lord of the Ring.

Lord of the Rings was early 2000s.

Oh, yeah.

Yeah.

Disaster Jesus.

I saw them all.

My record was falling asleep to it all three times in the theater, in the theater.

Oh, I just can't keep track.

You know what I mean?

I have apparently weapons grade ADHD, and I will sit through those movies every time and feel like one of the hobbits.

Weapons grade.

Was that part of the test?

They're like, you have the government on the

guy can't be intended anymore.

Don't unleash the Riddler.

He can come up with some sort of new code that is incredible.

These bullets are zigging off you.

You just won't focus on the bullets, so he's impenetrable.

Keep moving to look at different stuff.

Dodge at Harry Bullet.

Oh, what's this?

What's this?

Or you're hurt, but your brain doesn't recognize it.

It's doing the other thing.

He just keeps going.

I've been shot.

I can't remember.

I've been shot.

I just keep going.

Yeah.

Sorry, I can't die.

I've got to call my doctor tomorrow at 10 a.m.

Oh, shit.

Was the doctor like, who is this?

Oh, dude, he was so mad at me.

Was he like, well, oh, the 10 a.m.

wasn't the important part.

Yeah, but did he not give you a check mark for doing that?

Or was he like, you failed the test by calling me?

He did seem busy.

I can't think

he wasn't expecting me to remember.

He's like, no way.

I wasn't expecting you to live through the night.

I can't believe.

I can't believe this guy drove home safely.

Who's this?

we get you to do a ho-ho-har

just for the promo.

Oh, man.

Dave, what's going on with you, man?

Well, I did see that scary movie about the substance, but I'm not going to talk about it.

But you said that it was less scary and more gross.

It's very gross.

Yeah.

But I want you to see it.

I'm going to go see it.

You want to see it?

So I don't want to talk about it.

What is going on with me?

Well, oh, yeah.

So

last week we had this huge

atmospheric river.

Yes.

Well, I left as it was starting.

Right.

Yeah.

So I saw the early parts of it and I was like, I'm out of here.

And then it was crazy flood.

It was, yeah, it was like the sixth rainiest day ever in Vancouver or something.

And

it was, you know, in October.

So all the leaves were falling.

And then I had to walk the dog that morning or the dogs that morning.

And so I was waiting for them.

You just float them out the door.

I have to walk them.

Come on.

I was waiting for like a break in the storm before I walked them.

And so it kind of like led up for a bit.

And one thing, when there's a big storm in the fall, is they say,

keep an eye out for storm drains.

Like leaves go in the storm drains, then no water can get down, and there's these huge puddles and flooding everywhere.

And they're also like the chuds need water.

So make sure you can get the leaves out of there so the chuds can get, you know.

And of course the ninja turtles want to

keep their pizza wet.

That'd be great if it was canon and the pizza was said to be wet.

Sewer pizza.

Are they ordering the pizza?

Are they stealing the pizza?

In the movie

it can fit down the grate.

Yeah, yeah.

Yeah.

In the movie, the first scene, I think, is them putting a pizza through

the grate and then him giving.

I don't know where they get money.

They just get money that's falling down the sewer.

Grant money.

Huh?

Grant money.

According to this, you have an IQ of cowabunga.

This can't be right.

Now, all four of you score differently.

You do machines.

Yeah, hold on.

You do very well at machines.

You are a party dude.

Anyway, so

I'm walking the dogs and I see a puddle and I go and I kind of just like, I'm wearing boots and, but they're only ankle boots, so I don't want to go too deep in a puddle and I'm just kicking.

Beetle boots.

I'm wearing my beetle boots.

They have big heels on them.

And I'm kicking the leaves out and it's cool.

And I put the leaves up on the curb.

This little puddle drains down.

I'm feeling good about myself.

I keep walking.

I go up to a very quiet street over by the children's hospital.

And there is the hugest puddle.

And I'm like, oh, I'm not going to be able to get this.

And I kind of like look through it, look through the water, and I see this big clump of leaves.

And I'm like, I get my boot in there, and it's too deep.

So I don't want to get my,

I don't want water rushing into my boot.

So I reach down with my hand and I start pulling leaves out.

This is like George with the

whale.

And so, and there as like, there were no cars or people on the street as far as I knew.

Right.

And so I just start pulling the leaves out and then suddenly

a whirlpool forms.

And I'm like, okay, this is it.

I'm watching the whirlpool.

I'm loving it.

It's such a satisfying

feeling.

And I'm like, I'm just going to stand here for the next three minutes and watch this huge puddle empty out.

and i'm loving it and then a woman walks past and says i think a stick would work better than your hands and i go

you don't know what i'm doing here yeah yeah wow

and uh so um she walks away and i just keep zoning out watching this whirlpool And then 30 seconds later, I notice her coming back with a giant branch.

Oh, no, okay.

And I'm like, oh, no, no, I got it.

Don't worry about it.

And she doesn't listen to me and she just jams it in there.

Wow.

And

it ruined my day.

It ruined my experience of looking at this whirlpool.

I was going to see it drain.

She made it so that it wouldn't drain anymore?

No, no.

She was wanting it to drain faster, I guess.

Right.

But I don't know.

I didn't stick around.

As soon as she stuck it in there, I was like, well, my fun's over.

Yeah.

Oh, that sucks.

Also, she was scaring my dogs with a giant branch.

Yeah, and you can give this to your dogs later.

They love branches.

So she was trying to help, but she really didn't help.

Because I was the helper.

When I was leaving,

because I wasn't going to walk in the rain to take the train.

So I got an Uber, and the Uber driver did not help me with my suitcase.

So I was like, kiss your tip.

He was a disruptor.

He was a disruptor, absolutely.

Did you really not tip him?

Yes, because it's like I'm standing in a puddle.

He parked in a puddle.

He could have parked farther up the road road where there wasn't a puddle.

Oh, Grant, you got to tip these people.

Well,

here's your tip.

Help me with my bag, motherfucker.

Your star rating is going to go down.

You know what?

If you've got a Sterling star rating, you haven't lived.

That just shows you haven't had a life, you know?

You guys want to know my star rating?

Do you know yours?

Yeah, man.

How do you find that out?

I don't know.

I'll check it out.

Let me look it up.

What you need to use is a stick.

That's a, what a, what a, you know,

what a bitch.

Well, she was trying to be helpful.

Yeah, yeah, I know, but get your own hole.

I mean, yeah, exactly.

No, she was young.

There were plenty of puddles around here you could help with.

Yeah.

It never would have occurred to you to.

Maybe she was hitting on you.

She could have a lot of people.

I kind of meet cute over a puddle.

I don't have Uber on my phone, so I we're not going to find this answer, but it was in the, it was in the upper, it's out of five, right?

Yeah.

You're upper fours?

It was in the sixes.

Whoa,

shit.

You're such a good customer.

Yeah.

You broke our rating system.

You're our best customer, they say.

I think it was in the 490s, 4.9s.

That's nice.

I don't know what mine is.

That's nice.

I don't know what is a good score.

I guess 490 is good.

Yeah.

Yeah.

If it's out of five.

Well, I got an IQs out of 100.

Yeah.

Do I have it yet?

I'm downloading it.

Did you use good radio?

Did you do any

puddle-related activities while it was an atmospheric river here in the city?

No, I mostly just sheltered in place.

Yeah.

It was good.

It was staying cozy.

It was cozy time.

It was cozy.

Here's what we did.

Because it was

the week of Thanksgiving, all my family was away.

And so the weekend that we actually did Thanksgiving was when the Atmospheric River was here.

And so I made pumpkin pies for my family.

Delicious.

And then I had extra pumpkin left over.

I I made a pumpkin loaf.

Nice.

Wow.

And then at that same weekend, we carved jack-o'-lanterns.

So I also made pumpkin seeds.

Wow.

Wow.

I was just like.

Season Lagourd.

Look at you go.

I was like the orange guy.

I was like the jolly orange man who visits every year.

And do I want to rate them?

Yeah.

Yeah.

I got to go pie number one.

Pie number one.

Loaf number two.

Loaf number two and seeds number three.

Well, the seeds are always there for you, though.

You grab a handful.

Yeah.

Are you a pumpkin pie guy?

I don't mind pumpkin pie.

It's not one of my favorite.

What's your top?

Apple still is my favorite.

Apple's the classic.

I can't go wrong.

Yeah.

People come back to Apple.

And chicken pot.

4.96.

But where does it say it?

Does it just say on your...

Okay.

You go to your account there.

Yeah.

And then right there, it says your name and your star rating.

It says our best customer.

All our customers are our best customers.

There's a note for 4.97.

Whoa!

Really?

Yeah.

Wow, no tip and none.

Wow.

There are you.

Yeah, that guy, he was in the wrong as far as I'm concerned.

But I don't need them to always help.

But this is an emergency situation.

We should all be banding together and helping our fellow man, you know?

Well, you help him.

I did by getting in a zoo and not swearing at it.

What did you rate him out of five?

Oh, I gave him my rating.

I gave him a five.

I give everybody a five.

Okay.

Yeah.

But tip,

you know,

and I tip everything, but this was like you parked in the wrong and you won't pull ahead and I'm getting my shoes wet.

I'm going on a plane.

Gonna be sitting in soaking wet shoes.

That's no good.

Yeah.

Anyway, so we've been having a great time

in the rain.

We made a rain man.

Was that in your 80s movies?

Is that right there?

Rain Man.

They didn't actually play that one.

It's too bad.

They didn't?

I probably would have connected.

Yeah, it's.

I haven't seen it.

I haven't seen it

when it came out.

I think I is it a best picture winner?

It was definitely a Hoffman

Oscar

actor Oscar.

I saw it on TV.

Isn't that such a weird time that doesn't happen anymore when you would just watch like 30% of a movie that was on TBS?

Yeah.

And then you'd be like, meh,

and then just you get hit by too many like sock and boppers commercials and you're like, I'm walking away.

We were watching.

Yeah.

Like, so weird that we don't have that anymore.

TV also used to have like the five o'clock movie.

Yeah, yeah.

Do you have, either of you have plex?

Yes.

No.

I don't know what it is.

You don't have it?

Well, we have it, but I don't know how it works.

Do you have a plex or plaque?

You have plaque?

Yes.

Do you remember?

Do they still sell plaques?

I don't know, but I remember.

It was like a mouthwash for before you watched it.

And it was red, maybe?

Oh, maybe that would color your plaque red and then you brushed it off.

I have a commemorative plaque.

No.

For what?

From the brain doctor?

Vegas Whirlpool.

Oh, fuck, you made it.

2019 Atmospheric River, Vegas Whirlpool plaque.

I have one that says Uber's best customer.

Second best customer, apparently.

And

yeah, so we have Plex,

which is a streaming service that I don't understand.

Abby's hairdresser gives her access to his

movie library.

So this is like, you got to know somebody who knows somebody.

But there's also other stuff on there that, like, surely not everyone has access to Abby's hairdresser's movie library.

My brother has it, and I don't, he's connected to somebody as well.

Yeah.

I don't know how it works.

Are you connected to somebody?

I've got my own Plex server.

You do?

Oh, yeah.

So are people connected to you?

Can I be connected to your server?

You could be.

You could be.

I believe so.

My brother has one as well.

It's better.

It's mine, but twice as big.

Can you connect me with him?

Is that it?

Oh, yeah.

We get you on that Plex.

We'll get you on a Plex Plex.

Yeah, I want to get on plex but there is that but my fear is there's too many options then then it's yeah infinite well it's uh it's good if you're if there's something that

honestly it's just like oh you don't want to subscribe to five streaming services yeah here's some guy's got them all on his server yeah um but anyway uh they also have like just like Plex selects and last night I turned on Plex and I was like watch the crush with Alicia Silverstone.

You don't have to tell me twice

and Carrie Elwez.

Oh, yeah.

And is she, is it kind of a Lolita type story?

I thought it was, too, but Abby was like, no, she's just insane and obsessed with him.

Yes.

Well, now I want to, that's, now that's what I want.

But it is very, it's like the first five minutes, he's driving around Vancouver in quote-unquote Seattle.

It's

a really great

blast from the past.

I watched

Jason Takes Manhattan, which I think was Friday the 13th, part 8, and it was shot in Vancouver.

And boy, is it ever shot in Vancouver?

Like, the train is definitely the sky train.

And you're like, that's a Vancouver-looking alley.

Like, that's not...

And I think they maybe shot for a day in Times Square, where they got that kind of B-roll footage of Jason walking around Times Square.

And then the rest of it was shot either here.

And a lot of it takes place on a boat.

So it's somewhere in the Georgia Strait.

But yeah, so yeah, that was sort of the

most recent experience I had watching a movie randomly.

Like, oh, for the crush.

Yeah.

They want me to watch the crush.

Okay.

Yeah.

And I would.

What's going on with you?

I, like I said, I left town just in time to avoid this whole wet extravaganza.

I went to our nation's capital and the weather, lovely.

Yeah.

Brought a coat.

Didn't use it the whole time I was there.

At night, it was like 21 degrees at night.

That's actually not good.

It was nice.

It was nice.

And

yeah, it's um so here my this is what i my ottawa things

i wanted to go to a deli i was doing a show there and thank you for everybody who came to the show at the laugh lounge in the byword market i went to a diner during the day and it said it was 24 hours and so i ate lunch there and i was like i asked the server i was like it's 24 hours right he's like yeah and i was like okay i'm gonna come back and we get one of those putties later on he's like yeah and then after the show i went 11 p.m closed guy mopping up inside.

All the chairs had been stacked.

And I was like, Did he misunderstand your question?

I don't know, but the sign even says Dunn's famous 24 hours later.

So obviously, I was super pissed that that happened.

I was trying to get

a routine.

Do you ever talk to a person older than you who's like, Yeah, they call it 7-Eleven because it was only open from 7 to 11?

Yeah, it was, right?

Yeah.

They went the other way.

They kept their name 7-Eleven, but

went 24 hours but yeah so I got

I got screwed over poutine wise boy I love late night food in another city oh my god yeah my own city no way also like they're they're so close to Quebec that their poutine is right on the

it's right it's perfect adjacent poutine yeah it's adjacent poutine adjacent dicks manhattan

and there was like uh it's something you don't hear in Vancouver lies just walking down the street and hearing people speak French French.

It's a real, it's a real romantic.

Yeah.

Very fall.

Very fall.

Yes, the Canadian French, the most romantic of all the Frenches.

Yeah, you do hear it here a bit.

Yeah.

There's a little community of French people.

Yeah.

And they're smoking,

riding bicycle.

There's like, isn't there a, there's like this French center here somewhere.

Yeah, the 7th Argon Dissemo.

Yes.

Yeah.

Go see a French play there.

Perhaps some marionettes.

Perhaps some weird performance art where they spit in your face.

The commemorative plaque to Gerard Despard.

Gerard de Vedu.

France's greatest actor.

Did you ever see?

I saw this picture of young Gerard Despardieu.

Really?

Yeah.

Hubba hubba.

Really?

Yeah.

Let me look him up.

Well, that only makes sense because how, you know what I mean?

Like, why was this goblin such a movie star?

I gotta tell you, this weather, this is the weather we've been having lately, cloudier than Gerard Despardieu's piss.

There he is.

Oh, yeah,

it was this one.

No,

no, Dave clicked on it.

It went back to a picture of modern day Gerard Despardie.

Well, it was okay.

It was a movie he made with

Robert De Niro, of all people.

The movie's called 1900.

Okay.

And there's just a picture of him sitting on the set.

Okay, you got to get Robert De Niro out of this search term.

This one.

Oh, yeah.

Look at it.

He's a little babe.

Yeah, I could see it.

He's got a kind of

a card-looking guy.

But yeah, I could say a rogue.

Kind of a handsome rogue.

Yeah, he's in

long underwear.

Yeah.

Vest.

Anyway, did you see him in Canada?

No, he wasn't there.

He was out of town.

You know, for all I know, I walked past some minister of something, you know, walking out on the street.

People say Ottawa is a boring town.

I've had nothing but good times in Ottawa.

Yeah, and I,

although somebody wrote to me and said, I can't, I can't believe you're coming back to town after you and Dave were there and made so much fun about how boring it is.

So apparently we're on record of saying it was boring.

Well, okay.

It's boring.

Yeah.

But I've had nothing but fun.

No, it's fun.

Remember when there was like that summertime outdoors

like beer garden?

Yep.

In a field over the, looking over the river.

Yeah, and you can see the parluma buildings.

It was great.

And yeah, I stayed in the like hustling, bustling byward market.

That's where all the bars.

So I went,

I was like, I'm going to get a drink.

So I got a drink at a bar.

And there's like, the place is littered with fake

Irish and English pubs.

Oh, yeah, yeah.

Like, there's one there.

Boring.

There's one that says it's the oldest bar in Ottawa, and I went there, and I have no trouble believing that's the oldest bar in Ottawa.

But then I went to another place.

You did have trouble believing that other place was open 24 hours.

Yeah.

Unfortunately, you did believe it.

I did believe it.

You got suckered into it.

But I got nachos at this place.

And I asked the guy, I was like, is it like a good amount of cheese or should I get extra cheese?

He's like, it's probably extra cheese.

I was like, all right.

He brings it out.

If I didn't order extra cheese, this thing would have had zero cheese on it.

And it had spaghetti sauce on it.

Okay.

What?

Yeah.

Nachos with

Quebec, but they're very far from Mexico.

But yeah, like I thought at first, I was like, this is some sort of salsa that they've put on here.

Nope.

Unmistakable spaghetti sauce.

Spaghetti sauce on nachos.

And when you say spaghetti, you mean marinara or alfredo?

Oh, God, can you imagine?

They put both on.

It's like sauerkrim and salsa.

And this guacamole, that's pesta.

It was honestly, I took to, it's, I've never given up on a snack faster than just like, well, I'm not eating this.

This is disgusting.

I can't.

Would you complain?

No, I was just like, I gotta get it.

I don't want my

fake Irish pub rating to go down.

Yeah, I do like when you get, I don't like complaining.

Yeah.

But I'm okay if they know I didn't like it.

Yeah.

Like just from looking at it.

Oh, he ordered all that and ate one bite.

I did one time send back nachos because they were like, it was just because they didn't belong to you.

Nice.

So, yeah, I had that.

No, tell me why you sent back those nachos.

Oh, because it was like

everything was, it was all chips.

Like, there was no cheese.

There's none of the good stuff that you.

So I told them, I was like, you got to do better than this.

This is.

Because you're paying a lot of money for a plate of nachos, which is just chips of cheese.

So if I'm paying $26 for a plate of nachos.

I'm always

hesitant to order extra cheese on anything because who knows?

Yeah.

Exactly.

Who knows what the original cheese amount was.

Yeah.

And

that's why I got the bartender's suggestion.

He said, oh, yeah, you go with the extra cheese.

I tell it to all my best customers.

She looks you up and down.

You seem like a real cheesy ass.

Yeah, yeah.

Sit down.

And I mean, uh the cheese wasn't very good either it was just it was a nightmare so no 24 hours bad spaghetti sauce on chips old bar um

and then so that's also you were mad that the their the bar the oldest bar was old no i guess i was happy about that it had like a copper bar which i you don't see very often like uh which i assume has been there forever or yeah i'm sure but if it had been there forever would it have turned green am i wrong about that copper is it copper or brass

Might be brass.

Not if you wipe it down.

That's right.

Yeah.

Run the tight ship at that bar.

Have you ever been to Ottawa?

No.

Seems like you're good at it.

You're going to love it.

It's boring.

But I love it.

Does it seem organized?

It's really organized.

As the city goes,

I like that.

Do you like embassies?

Oh, yeah.

So cool.

So many flags.

Yeah.

Here's the thing, too.

I was

had to go to a theater for the debaters.

Yeah.

Had to be there for 4 p.m.

And it turns out rush hour in Ottawa?

3 p.m.

Whoa.

Like getting stuck completely on

a highway for...

Well, they got to get to the deli before it closes.

Our 24-hour deli is going to close at 4.

Once this mop comes out, you're not getting any corned beef.

So you did this,

you booked yourself a a show because you were getting a flight out there for the debaters.

Have you done that before?

No.

It seemed like a good idea.

It's a good idea.

Yeah.

But then I also have to put myself up in a hotel.

And then your margins become a lot thinner.

But

you're there.

You get that out of the way.

I'm there anyway.

It's free.

Yeah.

And I get an extra day to enjoy all the sights, sounds, smells of Ottawa.

Did we.

Have we done that?

With like a live podcast?

I don't.

No, we tried to do a tour.

Just we were like, well, if we're going.

No, I think what it was is we went to

they flew us out to JFL and we're like, we'll fly ourselves back through other cities.

Right.

Something like that.

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Yeah.

It's didn't make any money.

Well, I didn't make any money out of this, but it was fun.

The Laugh Lounge is really a cool club that's an independent kind of thing.

And so I had a lot of fun.

And then flying back.

A lot of people don't know this.

Like Porter Air is a new airline here in Canada.

It's really, you know,

making the big airlines' blood boil because they're the new kid on the block.

Have you flown Porter yet?

I've heard they're are they fancier?

They're fancier and they're just like they're hip.

Are they out west at all?

I don't know where they're.

Like, I know people have taken it out west, but do they, and they do they fly to the downtown airport in Toronto?

That's a good question.

Probably.

Yeah.

The Billy Bishop?

But

Porter, because they're a disruptor in the airline business, they give away free booze on the flight.

Whoa.

So, in response, Air Canada has started giving away free booze on their flight.

Wow.

And when they started doing that, Porter took out an ad in a paper or whatever and said, like,

way to join the 21st century, Grandpa, like that kind of thing.

They made fun of directly of Air Canada.

I do like the idea of taking an ad out in the paper.

That used to be such a big thing.

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Or a billboard.

They my ass on Fifth Avenue.

Everyone's laughing at me.

But this is the thing.

Somebody told me about it and said, like, they don't advertise that they're doing this.

But if you ask for a drink, it's complimentary.

So.

Who doesn't advertise?

Air Canada.

They don't say up front, like, hey, drinks on us.

Yeah.

Yeah.

Is it every flight?

Or just the ones that Porter also does?

It's a good question.

Just the roots that Porter errors.

I don't know.

I don't know any of how this works.

I know if you ask for it, they'll give it to you for free.

Wow.

Yeah.

So, not bad.

My flight was seven o'clock in the morning coming back.

And

I fell asleep on the flight and I woke up because the woman next to me had dumped a can of beer on my lap.

Seven in the morning.

Seven in the morning.

Yeah.

Oh, my God.

No.

Yeah.

Where were you on in the flight?

An hour in, man.

Okay.

You're over.

Like, I'm surprised the airline would be like, oh, no, we don't.

We give it away for free, but not until 11 a.m.

Having, you know,

mimosa

morning drunks on our flight.

So, yeah, and I've never had that happen before in all my years of flying.

I've never had somebody spill

Molson Canadian.

Oh, the best.

Yeah.

I'd be so upset.

Yeah.

I just, being wet.

Being wet.

Yeah.

And also, like, did you?

I presume you didn't tip this woman sitting next to you.

Her rating went wet.

Yeah, on cedar or what

would be the name of it.

But yeah, so I got beer dumped on me, and then I was like, she gave me her scarf to sit on.

It's all straight insurance information.

They should cover this

because you need about $100,000.

Yeah, no, I'm insured with Levi's, don't worry.

It's okay.

These pants are polyester.

It's going to bead right off back onto your seat.

She gave me her scarf to sit on.

I was like, that's fine.

There's nothing else you can do.

You know what I mean?

You're going to smell like it.

Did you take it?

Yes, of course.

You sat on her scarf?

Sat on her part?

Yep.

I made sure to sit right, get as much of it out of my crack as possible.

You were like, okay, if she got beer, can I get a can of beans?

Beans are extra.

They're not free.

What?

They are on porters.

Reporters give free beans.

But so then I fell back asleep, and then I woke up.

This is probably another hour later.

She's drinking some wine.

She's got a big thing.

They give her a little bottle of wine, so she's drinking, what would be a glass of wine?

Well, it's eight in the morning, probably.

But she's like, well, it's five in the morning in Vancouver where I'm headed.

And I've got to be drunk for breakfast.

It's five o'clock somewhere.

So I was like, okay, well, sure.

I mean, in fairness, she didn't get a lot of that first drink that she was drinking.

And then I was just kind of...

I mean, mixing beer and wine, always great.

Yeah.

And then

she finishes that wine.

And then the fucking plate attendant comes by.

She gets another glass of wine, this lady.

Graham.

So she's soused by the time I land.

Not lest you be judged.

True.

But even when

we landed at the airport, I think like the bars were just opening up in the airport.

Like even they were like, no, we're not going to.

Was she, how old was she?

She was probably in her late 60s.

Oh, give her a break.

Yeah, that's true.

It's hard to be that old.

And then she tried making a conversation with me.

I was like, absolutely not.

Maybe she's the minister of beer and wine.

Headed home.

She's part of my party cabinet.

I hired alcoholic.

My liquor cabinet.

She,

yeah, I mean, you'd think she would get.

If she was the minister of beer and wine.

She's not paying for it anyway.

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

That's on my tax dollar.

Fuck it.

Anyways, so I met a really nice old lady.

Seems a little tipsy, but

yeah, that was my whirlwind romance between me and Ottawa.

So

still thinking about you, Ottawa.

You're not boring.

You're actually fun.

You are actually fun.

And Bywood Market is like a cool, there's a lot of cool shops and fun little bars and things going on in the square.

But, you know.

I felt bad that I was there while this atmospheric river was happening in my own.

Oh, no.

That's okay.

Yeah, but I felt bad for everybody.

We did feel a little short on manpower.

Yeah.

But then a lady came by with a giant branch.

Well,

so we do like Ottawa.

Yes.

Well, badmouth a Canadian city.

Off the air after we take a break.

A different Canadian city.

Yeah.

We're looking at you, Oshawa.

No, Oshawa's great.

We kid.

We kid.

You're doing really good work there, Oshawa.

Phil Hanley.

Phil Hanley's tough down.

Well, should we move on to some overheards?

Sure.

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Overheard.

Overheards, where you hear it, we want to hear it.

It's only right.

And we always like to start with the guest.

Miles, you haven't overheard.

I haven't overheard.

So

I'm just going to say what I heard and then

I will give you

the context

afterwards.

I was at the grocery store, and

about five feet behind me, I hear someone say,

see,

look, you can actually see the fluid.

Okay.

I know what I'm picturing something.

Yeah, me too.

I turned around and saw a man bending down showing a staff member of Save on Foods his kneecap

fluid.

Jesus.

I hope they knew each other.

This is a part of the training day.

You got to check out my gross knee.

That's what, not exactly what I was picturing, but I was picturing like fluid trapped in within skin.

Yeah.

Oh, I thought it was just going to be like, I was picturing like windshield wiper.

Oh, yeah.

Yeah.

Like that.

Yeah.

Yeah.

So optimistic.

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

You can see the fluid.

So

was the guy's pants rolled up?

Yeah.

it's rolled up.

He's rocking his leg back and forth.

His pants were rolled up, and you could see the fluid through his pants.

And it was strange because you know what?

I was a little bit horrified, and I also kind of wanted to see the fluid.

Well, you're already grossed out, you might as well get, you know,

full satisfaction.

You could, you guys, you could, you could see it.

Oh, fucking.

Now I want to see it too.

Just see the substance.

I got it.

You're going to get plenty of that.

Yeah, it's

I like Savon because they've got a bulk section.

That's my

attraction to that particular section.

That's where I ran into you last time.

Your jujubes.

Your jujubes.

I love jujubes.

Wow.

You have to be very careful in that section, though.

It's so nutty.

Oh, it's so nutty.

But I feel like the jubes and the, you know, your Skittles and whatnot.

I can't eat Skittles anymore.

I crack my tooth on a Skittle.

So?

Yeah, well.

You got a new tooth, though.

Yeah,

I've got to get it.

If I had to crack that again on Skittles, oh boy.

You got a grant for a new tooth.

Oh, I wish there were grants for new teeth.

Oh, man.

Skittles aren't even hard.

Exactly.

It's too embarrassing.

Were they in the bulk section, Skittles?

They got Skittles in the bulk section.

They got for a while, I don't know if they have them anymore.

They had runts.

Remember runts?

Yep.

Runts?

Were runts shaped like different fruit?

Yeah.

Yeah.

Okay.

Yeah.

They had it.

You know what I'm talking about?

Oh, no, no.

It was like a hard, really like sugary you bit into it.

It was just like sugar.

The way that nerds are like completely shapeless, these are made out of the same material, but shaped into apples and strawberries.

And their banana was

well known as being a particularly good banana flavor.

Runs.

Yeah.

Like a German candy.

It's not what it's said.

Runs.

H-R-U-N-T-Z.

Children, finish your Grunts.

It is October.

Time for junts.

Abby got these, I think they were from Trader Joe's, these sort of like peanut butter candies, but they're.

Are you familiar with the candy chicken bones?

That are like a hard, they're licorice-flavored yellow, hard ribbon candy.

Okay.

Not yellow, pink.

And

not yellow like a fluid in somebody's knee.

I wonder what color the fluid was.

Yeah, you couldn't see the color.

You could see the pooling.

Yeah, because it was under the skin.

It really looked like Dave should have gone in there and kind of cleared the drain.

Abby got this

bag of peanut butter hard candy.

And she put it in a bowl and it all just like stuck to each other and picked one up the whole bowl, like it stuck to each other and the bowl.

Yeah, hard candy.

That's the uh, like that really is a specific era of having a bowl of candy just on a table in your

much that, like, oh, the grandkids are coming over, put out ribbons,

very great depression back when candy had the last two days.

That's right, where you got one minute.

There you go.

You can lick, treat yourself with a lick once

it's four o'clock.

Have a lick of the lollipop.

I just remember

the movie, the Iron Lady with

Meryl Streep.

At one point, she says

she's talking to her husband.

They're having a real tense moment.

Then she goes, sweetie, and hands him

a hard candy.

Now, her husband in that is Iron Man, right?

Yep.

It was the beginning of the Marvel Cinematic

Iron Man and Margaret.

She comes back in the last one.

She's who defeats that.

She's in a post-credits scene.

Sweetie.

Just attacking Welsh minors.

Finish them off once and for all.

Is it my turn yet?

It is.

I haven't overheard.

Mine's an overseen, and I was walking down the street, and some people

had a,

well, it's at the time of this recording, Halloween has not yet happened.

Okay.

and uh, there's a lot of decorations out, a lot of um

you know, skeletons,

giant skeletons, little bits of skeletons crawling out from people's lawns.

Yeah, uh, people using the leaves that have fallen as like a grave site, yeah, like a body, oh, yeah, sure, making a body, and then like there's an arm coming out of it.

Um, and then I saw this one that was

someone put a bunch of uh gravestones on their front lawn with pun names.

Nice.

And

okay, this one, this person was,

this name is R-E-A, like Rhea, but I think it's, and the middle name is Lee.

So Rhe, Lee, Old.

Nice.

Who lived from 1848 to 1965.

So they were really old.

They were really old, yeah.

This one is Juan, like the Spanish name Juan.

Yeah.

Juan hairy dude.

Nice.

And then this other one

was

the name B, like short for Beatrice.

Yeah.

B Yach.

Is that W-A-T-C-H?

Y-A-T-C-H.

Y-A-T-CH.

Biach.

May she rest in peace.

It says you're one really nice lady.

Oh, yeah.

And to say when she died?

No, no, no year on this one.

Just that she's dead.

She's dead and she was nice, but she was kind of a Biach.

are you a halloween guy miles uh

i'm a more of an an autumn guy

like the season but in terms of i'll watch a couple scary movies i'll read a scary book sure i'm reading some hg wells short stories right now okay which are very spooky quite frightening yeah you read them and go

oh yeah

justine hasten

she's like don't keep getting spooked do you really get spooked as you read i've never really read a scary book dracula was actually scary i actually found it quite really

on the page, is it like, and he's right behind you?

What scares you?

There's no jump scare.

It's all psychological, right?

So you just imagine like and you've been to that neuroscientist.

And I've been to that neuroscientist.

So it's like, like, and I've always been afraid of wolves because when I was a kid in the woods, I could hear them howling at night time.

Jesus.

And so Dracula has the power to control wolves.

He does.

And the way that they're just...

I'm just learning about this now.

So does Dragon Boy Suede

and White Fang.

But yeah,

so I was thought, I was writing.

I just think that's like the prime, like that fear of predators

I have.

It's just like

I'm actually, I have a fear of prey.

Yeah?

Yeah.

Get your tickets.

Seen the Kids in the Hall sketch where it's the horror writer and his first book is you open it up and it just says boo and everyone's like, oh.

and then he's trying to write a sequel, and he's like having such a hard time following it up.

And then he finally writes the book, and uh, his editor opens up and goes,

and it just says, There's a sweat around your shoulder, and there's a spider.

That was the sequel

because I'm not, I

always find it strange if I read a funny book that I'm like laughing so hard.

Why?

What's making me do this?

It's your own brain.

Yeah.

My overheard comes courtesy of I was having complimentary complimentary breakfast at the hotel restaurant and I was the only one in there eating some steel cut oats and

this group of do you ever eat them and you're like hmm these were cut by iron yeah yeah yeah these might be cut by plastic for all I know

a group of business people were coming in for the lunch shift

so it was three men and a little lady

was it really yeah it was three men and a woman.

Wow, that's great.

Do you think they ever noticed?

And she, I feel like she was very much

running the show.

She was very running the show and kind of telling.

I feel like in the movie.

Yeah, a little bit.

Yeah.

She

was kind of saying, well, you know, the lunch, it's just switching over to the lunch menu and they've got this and that.

So she obviously like previewed what was going on and she was running through the different things you could get on the menu.

And then you could tell that she didn't think very much of these uh men because she said and they have a chicken caesar salad which is a salad with chicken

and i didn't know i didn't hear if the guys were like oh

no what is a chicken caesar salad wrap

okay okay so you remember how i said that the chicken caesar salad is like a chicken with a well it's a salad with chicken now imagine wrapping that

get this there is spaghetti sauce on it

Oh, boy, I like a good chicken salad.

Yeah, I

yeah, the whole time that I ate meat, I would love it.

I would love a chicken Caesar.

Oh, I would love it.

And then I always felt sick after because they got anchovy Caesar salad.

So I was like, why do I always feel ill after eating chicken Caesar salad?

Well, turns out, guys, I can't have a regular Caesar salad.

It's just

the life I choose.

You're not so allergic to fish that a little bit of anchovy will kill you.

Yeah, I think that's about right.

I wonder if there's a ranking on what fish I'm more allergic to.

Like, are there

peanuts, all nuts, anaphylaxis, right?

Yes.

Fish anaphylaxis?

That's a good question.

I haven't had it in so long.

I should have probably...

If the nuts.

What's that?

If the fish ate nuts.

Yeah, if the fish was chewing on a pistachio.

I can't have any fish that was caught with a lure that was some sort of god.

Now, we also have overheard sent into us by people all anything else, anaphylaxis.

I think those are the, I think, like, nuts is the big one.

That's the headline, nuts, anaphylaxis.

Do you like pumpkin seeds?

Love them.

Yeah.

Love pumpkin seeds.

It's as close as you're going to get to a nut.

You know what?

I don't, I haven't really got into, but I'm, I'm willing to try sunflower seeds.

But they seem like a lot of work for very little seed.

Yeah, like, it seems like

you can get them pre.

Also, where does sunflower seeds come from?

Like, I know

where are the seeds on the sunflower?

The freaking middle.

The thing in the middle, those are all seeds?

I think so.

I don't know how it works.

I think you, some of them, some, I mean, not every sunflower will give you giant big seeds, but I think they come from the big circle.

Of the big circle.

Because those sunflowers are monstrous.

They are big.

They are big.

They're pretty.

They're really pretty.

They kind of slump over this time of year, become spooky.

Yeah.

That's the whole thing about Halloween.

What was once fresh and new, now spooky and scary.

Yeah, now all kind of craggy and bent over.

I can't believe that Dracula can control wolves.

This is like brand new information about it.

They're very frightening.

All wolves?

The ones that he looks at.

Okay, just the ones that look at it.

I think in his vicinity.

Generally, Eastern Europe wolves.

Oh, okay.

I don't like those guys anyway.

Yeah, I mean.

Now, we also have overheard sent in to us by people all over the map.

If you want to send one in, send it in to spy at maximumfund.org.

This first one comes from Andrew N in New York City.

Walking by the exit of F.E.O.

Schwartz, the big toy store.

Woman walking out with a child holding a new stuffed lion.

Mom, when the air in New York smells yucky, you can just smell your Simba.

That's nice.

Give the kid an alternative.

Yeah.

So now it's fall, I've switched to natural deodorant.

How's it holding up?

It's working great.

Yeah.

I feel like when it works, when I even feel a little sweaty, I feel like I smell it more and it's nice.

Yeah.

I uh you're using a Tom's a main?

No, it's a

native.

Native, yes.

What about you?

What's your deodorant scene?

Uh, I just the old spice.

I like to smell like a grandpa that knows what he's doing.

Old spice knows what he's doing.

Yeah, grandpa knows what he's doing.

This next one, this is great because

whenever you live in a city, there's like city characters that you know.

In Vancouver, an example would be Roller Girl,

a roller skating woman who directs.

Directs traffic.

So every town's got them.

What's your favorite?

Do you have a favorite in-city?

Like, everyone knows this person.

In-city personality.

Yeah, an in-city personality.

Well, yeah, I mean,

Roller Girl definitely haunts the corner that I live at.

Yeah, that's true.

That's true.

Maybe not a fave.

Not a fave.

Yeah, she

doesn't help.

Let's just say that.

Yeah, very fast, though.

Very fast.

Absolutely.

You can see her like slamming down the street.

I don't know.

I could see myself becoming the local eccentric one.

Yeah.

Yeah.

Just telling people I host the tonight's show.

Yeah.

Oh, here comes tonight.

Here comes Johnny Carson.

But there's this one, and it's very specific.

But as soon as the person was writing in, I was like, I do know who they're talking about.

Is it a Vancouver one?

It's a Vancouver one.

It's localized within a Canadian tire.

It can be an eighth.

There is a massive security man with sunglasses standing by the stairs.

Have you encountered this gentleman?

I don't know.

Do you know who I'm talking about?

Oh, I know him.

He looks like a nightclub bouncer.

Like he's a giant, giant man.

Sometimes sitting on a chair backwards,

sunglasses, always wearing sunglasses.

Incredibly intimidating.

And he's checking your receipt as you walk out.

So,

and you would like, you've become very much like Soup Nazi, like, here's my receipt.

Like, I want to do well for you.

I'm more of an upstairs Canadian tire.

Oh, sure, at the garden center.

Park up there.

Yeah.

This guy works on the, he's on the main floor.

Sure.

Yeah.

There's a massive security man with sunglasses standing by the stairs that doesn't, he doesn't say anything ever.

Have you ever had anything?

He never says anything.

He never says anything.

No.

He demands to see your receipt for Canadian tire purchases.

it's not his like is it it's not his thing yeah

i would just get out if it if they would hire someone who didn't demand to see my receipt it would be a lot easier uh

uh before letting you uh down the stairs and out the door a couple in front of me stops and presents receipt and an armful of assorted canadian tire junk i don't know what it's useful to them it's not junk to the giant she calls him the giant this giant has worked here for years and communicates by holding out and withdrawing his arm Yeah, kind of like those things in a parking lot.

He does kind of, yeah,

he is the gate.

Is there an overheard coming?

Because you're just reacting to every sentence.

Man, I'm telling you this.

But in this case, looks at the guy and just goes, cool, and unblocks the stairs.

I'm next.

I show the giant can of spray paint and receipt

and the following out the door, walking towards the Canby crosswalk.

The guy says to his partner, did you see that?

The behemoth said, cool.

I think maybe he's getting to know me.

This is maybe where really things turn around for me personally.

The behemoth.

He knows me.

The Leviathan of Canadian tire.

I think the security guard at Sharper's Drug Mart knows me.

Yeah.

Which, though, the one, the guy at the front door.

Oh, sure.

Yeah, yeah.

There's, yeah, a lot of the, I don't know if that's a North American-wide thing, but a lot of pharmacies and grocery stores now have like regular, because that didn't used to be, there was no security before at a shop.

It's so cool.

They have it now.

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

I also like so much stuff behind plastic that needs to be unlocked now.

It's awesome.

The

yeah, that Canadian tire, though, I do often hear like announcements asking for security to a certain section.

Fuck, if that guy was a security,

I mean, he's doing a good job.

Like, he's nobody's walking past that guy with

he and man oh i would love to see him catch a shoplifter oh my god i'm going to uh canadian tire this weekend if anyone wants to come i do i want to come i want to see you know what i'm going to get

uh

some

a stick

sleeping bag oh sleeping bag are you going you planning a trip or is this just for private

all right

guy who wants to brag about buying a sleeping bag offers no other.

You know what?

I checked out Madden Equipment Co-op, not a co-op anymore, Madden Equipment Company.

And all their sleeping bags were $300.

Yeah.

But they're for like hanging off a cliff or whatever.

Are you using it out today?

Hanging off a cliff or the big red dog.

Oh, shit.

It's so scary.

This last one comes from Carly L.

This is just a wholesome one, an overheard.

I will always remember comes from grade school.

Two first graders were talking about how they were excited for recess

so that they could learn more.

And one of the others said, Time flies when you're having fun, so let's have fun.

Cute.

Yeah,

we're all really anxious to go back to school and learn.

It's the highlight of recess.

Yay, recess is over.

Well, the teacher left us with such a cliffhanger.

She said two plus two and a

question mark.

Yeah, kids, adorable.

Yeah.

Well, in addition to overheards that are written, and we also accept your phone calls.

If you want to call us, our phone number is 1-844-779-7631.

That's one.

Ugh.

Spypod1.

Like these people have.

Hi, Dave, Graham, and probable guests.

I'm calling in with an overheard of the

fifth graders.

say the coolest things variety.

So some kids were, you know, trying to roast each other, and one of them is not very good at it, but he was trying to be all clever and was getting teased a lot.

And he finally went, guys,

you got to stop roasting me.

And a girl replied, God, buddy, there's nothing left to roast.

And

yeah, everybody lost it.

You had a hard day.

You've been so thoroughly roasted, there's nothing left.

Yeah.

Yeah.

We ate and left.

No problem.

Have you been in a roast battle?

Oh, never.

No.

I refuse.

Me neither.

I feel like somebody would say something as a joke, and it would get stuck in my head forever.

Yeah.

Yeah.

No, I am sort of womble-shaped.

Yeah.

Oh, my God.

I was talking about it last week that I got an Edinburgh review that called me womble shape.

Womble.

And I looked it up.

Not a compliment.

They're like mole people.

Something in Wallace and Grobit.

Yeah, yeah, it was something in that general area.

But something that ever, you know, somebody would read a review over there and be like, bah,

he is in the walls and universe.

There is a wombo.

He's sort of in the walls and grabbed universe.

He's wearing the wrong trousers.

More of a Sean the Jeep type.

Go see this womble character.

Next phone call.

Hello, Dave Graham and Possible Ghost.

This is Wade from Seattle.

I was at the old spaghetti factory and got this in the trolley.

And table next to us, there was maybe a first or second date.

And the woman said to the man, are women's nipples and buttholes the same color?

Yep.

That's what some guy told me.

All right, off I go.

That's what some guy told me.

Okay.

So this was either a first or second date at the old spaghetti factory.

Love it.

I love it, absolutely.

And they're having this conversation about

our women's nipples and buttholes.

Same color.

I think, I mean, if it's true of women, it's probably true of everyone.

Sure, absolutely.

And some guy told you this.

Are you sure it wasn't your ex saying it about your body?

Yeah, because that's what they say.

And guess what?

Checks out over here.

Get yourself a hand mirror and a full-length mirror.

Yeah, I mean, as far as I know, it's true.

They're matching set.

Does the

doorknobs match the dungeon doors?

Yeah.

Do the whatever radio knobs match the antenna.

What is you ever

when were you last at the old spaghetti factory?

Oh, not that long ago at all.

I got notches there.

They had spaghetti sauce.

But you know what?

That was my bad.

No, I was there for my nephew's birthday not that long ago.

It is like if you've got a

Can you sit in a trolley?

Uh we didn't get the trolley.

But there is a trolley at the same time.

There's a trolley everywhere in there.

I don't know.

I don't know, but there's a big trolley.

Have you ever been?

Never been in there.

It's uh if you ever are having an occasion where it's like some kids' birthday and they're like four to eight

old spaghetti fashion.

Or if you need an industrial amount of spaghetti.

Exactly.

It took the words right out of my mouth.

Yeah.

They order it out of the U-Line catalog.

See that huge Yang Ming shipping container.

That's the spaghetti.

By the port of Vancouver.

I haven't been in decades, but I would love to go.

You know what?

It's as you remember it.

It's delicious.

I've got to convince my family to let me go.

I can't get my kids to see this movie, The Wild Robot.

Oh, yeah.

Because there was a trailer trailer for it that looked artsy and they're like, this is boring.

Oh no.

I mean, artsy is boring.

But what?

Do your kids not want to go to old spaghetti factory?

I feel like your kids like spaghetti, no?

Two of them don't like the same food at the same time.

Ah, I see.

Okay.

Here's your final phone call.

Hey, Dave, Graham, and Probable Ghost.

This is Chris in Charlotte, North Carolina.

I have an overseen.

I am just coming out of the gym and there was a guy in there walking on the treadmill and he had like on the front part of the treadmill where you'd put your phone or tablet or something.

He had a whole laptop on that

and was just watching a NASCAR race just full screen on his laptop.

I thought that was great.

No frigging way.

Yeah.

That is great.

Yeah, yeah.

Well, the cool thing about a treadmill is you can retain your one of the cards.

Yeah, he keeps making noise the whole time.

Or he's got like

baseball cards on his thighs to make like a

run-big noise.

Do you guys ever see that show where Shaquille O'Neal would try different sports and see if he could do it?

No.

No.

You didn't see that?

And it was he tried NASCAR on it.

This sounds like the best show possible.

So good.

He tried to like outswim.

No, really?

Seeing Shaq swim would be.

He tried NASCAR once and he couldn't do it.

He was just, for one, very uncomfortable very uncomfortable he's a big man but also he was sweating like he did like four laps and was like take me out of the car me to die yeah I guess it's really hot in there it's really hot in there I know recently in the south usually yeah that's true

and they don't even hold in the winter it's always hot in the summer so you can be in the stands you gotta wear those suits there was a recently like there was a winner who He had to pee and he went and still won the race.

Wow.

Yeah.

But I'm surprised they don't.

That doesn't happen all the time.

Like, there's no pit stop at the pit stop where I just run the

do they not just wear diapers?

Yeah.

Because you're going to have to pee.

Yeah.

If it's like an hours-long race.

Yeah.

Maybe they just sweat it out.

Like, do you pee if you sweat a lot?

I don't know.

I don't know.

I heard about it.

There's a guy who told me that something about buttholes and

you might know.

I mean, I do sweat a lot.

I don't know.

I also pee a lot too.

Yeah.

I guess I'm just blessed.

You're just you're full of fluid yeah yeah

check out my knee yeah

um

well that brings us to the end of this episode have we ever in the past asked our listeners to send in uh any stories about local characters yeah we used to do um

boy can i find the theme song for it yeah oh that's right yeah but if you have one send it in i'm interested to know some of these uh what who's in your town who because it's uh everybody's got them can you think of another one you think of one from victoria Oh, definitely.

Yeah.

There was a guy who worked at Silver City Cinema Complex in Lankford, and he was like the general manager, and he was like six foot nine.

Oh, wow.

And hated teens.

And he would patrol that place like a dementer.

And we were all terrified of him.

And he could move so fast because his legs were so long.

Wow.

He's like the baba dude.

Oh, my God.

He's very womble-shaped.

Here is the

segment was called Neighborhood Nickname.

Neighborhood Nickname.

Who's that guy?

Carrying the flag

every day.

What do you call him?

Flag Pete, Flag Frank.

You don't know his name.

So you made up a name,

yeah.

Ah, that was good.

Well done on that day.

That's That's a good production.

Hey, well, great singing.

It was, it was, yeah, it was mostly like, did the person also have a nickname?

Yeah, they have a nickname.

But you know what?

You got it.

I'm interested to hear anybody out there.

Maybe that could be a bonus.

I think in my old neighborhood where we started that, where we started the show, there was a guy.

Boy,

this, a lot of the show maybe hasn't aged well.

Because I think a lot of the nicknames were for people in the sex trade.

Yeah.

Problematic.

But there's a guy, like there are, there's a guy I hadn't seen for years and years, and he's a guy that's always,

he's always got headphones on.

Yeah.

And he's got a lot of boots?

And boots, yeah.

And I saw him, and he's like aged really well.

Like, he looks really quite good.

Yeah.

That's why we got the headphones on.

That's why we call him Pino Grigio.

That's why we call him Pino.

Well, that brings us to the end of this episode.

Miles, thank you you so much for being our guest.

Thanks for having me.

You can find your special on YouTube.

Yes.

And where else can people tell us about your YouTube channel where you explain?

The Bachelors of Music.

Check it out.

I have an alternate career as a professional joke explainer where I go through stand-up specials that a lot of people don't think are good, and I explained why they're very funny.

Why they're very good, yes.

Any who's been a recent target for your explanations?

I just did Tucker Carlson.

Tucker Carlson has a special?

Yeah, he tried doing jokes in Canada a couple years ago.

Oh, I am.

A lot of people didn't think he was very funny.

And I explained why it's so good.

Hilarious.

Well, that sounds great.

That's so good.

I think I've watched one by, I think, like a real comedian.

Oh, Brendan Schaub.

Is he the

MMA guy?

Yeah.

Yeah, and Crystalia.

Crystalia was, I think that was the one.

Crystalia.

Yeah.

He's still out there.

Still out there crushing it.

Crushing it.

Yeah, absolutely.

Um,

and thank you, everybody out there.

Yeah, if you have a neighborhood uh

character, let us know.

You know, we're maybe we're maybe we're sniffing that down as a bonus episode.

Maybe that's oh, yeah, we're hoisting this, we're always sniffing something, yeah.

Uh, and thank you for listening and uh, enjoy Halloween.

I guess this is already happening.

Enjoy a Remembrance Day.

Come back soon for another episode of Stop By You Guys for Yourself.

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