C03 - Ep. 03 - Mission Through Middrus - Liar, Liar, Fort’s on Fire

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Long time no see, all you living portents.

Hover on into the stinky dragon and partake in our latest potation.

Forecast pearls before swine.

It's a mixture of spiced price of Defiance tea, crushed seeds of hope, a radiant strike of cinnamon and ginger, topped with a zesting of blessing.

One drop of this divine drink is as good as wishing upon a falling star.

Previously, our adventurers were startled by a sudden inspection of their stuff by Steel Eye, who found unfamiliar objects the party claimed were unclaimed.

Next, they prepared themselves for passing out on the parade grounds of the Cortege with the promise of promotion from Colonel Boye.

But now it seems a fort fire drill has gotten out of hand and they dug themselves into a hole of hellish hounds.

Grab a guzzler and let's get back to this gassy gas.

Hello everyone, welcome to Tales from the Stinky Dragon.

I'm your dungeon master Gustavo Sorola.

I'm joined by our four players.

Hello players.

Hello.

Hello.

Hello.

You said Doug, and it made me happy.

Lowercase D, not uppercase D.

It's a big difference.

I'm going to hit our four players with an arrow.

I was preparing.

I was bracing.

He was singing his favorite part of Little Mermaid is what he was doing.

If your character had access to a smart sending stone, aka a phone, what app would they use the most?

And that was submitted to us by King of Cows.

That's a great question.

I'm Chris Damaris, and I play Gunther, the level 3 Croak Folk Fighter, which is basically a frog humanoid fighter.

A frog boy.

And

Chris never goes first.

Here comes the voice.

I don't know.

Maybe.

Lots of apps that I like to use.

One I like, it aggregates news articles and all sorts of uh different things it's called uh ribbit's it's a play on reddit oh

that's jokes are the one you had to explain yeah yeah yeah yeah

you should have said red

gunther's mom thinks he's funny okay yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah

that was that was so good i'm in such a good mood now.

Does Gunther have like a side hustle doing app development on the side?

Like

making an enhancement suite?

Yeah,

making apps.

No, no, no, no.

He doesn't understand how the sending stone works, but he tries, you know, he has to get younger people to do it to help him.

It's funny because you like, it's a reference to Reddit and you said like an aggregate of news and stuff like that, news articles.

And for some reason, my brain doesn't equate Reddit to news, even though like that's where a ton of news is.

and a lot of people use it for news.

For me, it's just like silly pictures, and yeah, you know, yeah, I guess it depends on how you use Reddit.

Also, you mentioned that because of his age, he has to have the younger kids.

How old is Gunther?

I mean,

no, you can't.

Middle-aged.

You can't

shrug your shoulders.

This is your character.

Middle-aged.

It's also an audio podcast.

We can't hear a shrug.

We can hear a shrug heard around the middle-aged.

It was like last week we were like, How do you spell?

He's like, I don't know.

Evasive.

Micah commented that the problem with Ribbit is there's too many trolls living on that app.

Ah, yeah.

That's good.

That's good.

All right, who's next?

Sorry, I'm just still so thrown by the side.

Don't know the answer.

Have a rare answer.

First Chris thing.

I'll go.

What does he say?

No, I'm again.

Audio podcast.

Seeing Blaine turn his head to the side.

Shut up, John.

It's me, Toll.

Oh, good morning, everybody.

Good morning.

Hello.

I am a level three orc barbarian.

And if I had to take an application, I think I would use the compass app or perhaps a maps app.

Because I, you know, it's sometimes when you're out on the seas, you get a little lost.

You know, if there's like, you can't see the stars, you know, and you need like there's clouds in the way, you know, you might need a little help with the directions

so yeah that's me i want to do my like voicemail

message

i would think it would be great to have a toll voice on your gps like telling you when to turn or what directions to take

take a right on sanderson

would be kai board you just sit up going in circles turn left go left

go left take another left

yeah that'd be that'd be a great mode for a gps no right turns if you're gonna go right it's three lefts

oh my god every trip takes you three times as long yeah hello everyone i'm barbara dunkelman and i play doug boone the level three bugbear artificer fun fact i was doing some research on how to play like an artificer just because i know so little about it And there was this one person who was adamant, adamant about how it's pronounced, Artificer.

Artificer.

And I kept listening to it.

Now, artificial.

I don't even know

what the reasoning was why he was saying it was pronounced Artificer.

It's probably like Artifact.

Maybe, but I don't know.

Yeah.

Now I'm, I forget how to actually say it.

Artifact

ruined us.

That's the one.

And you know, Doug,

Doug would, I have an answer for both of these.

Okay, so Doug would use one app the most and one app the least.

Okay, so

the app he would use the most is Spotify.

Oh.

Doug likes to, you know, when he walks, he likes to have some music on, some music in the background.

He also listens to some podcasts every now and then.

Specifically, shout out to Tales from Stingy Dragon.

Shout out to our own podcast.

I love it.

It's so good.

Doug likes listening to Adventures.

And the app that Doug would listen to the least is obviously the calculator because

Doug does not need a calculator.

Doug has a calculator built into his mind.

Doug is a calculator.

Doug is a calculator.

Exactly.

Thank you, Gush.

I can't wait to see this in action.

I've also noticed that

Doug and Toll seek using words that have R's in them because we have such different pronunciations.

I don't know what you're talking about.

You go all your, you know, all.

I say, are.

Calculator.

Calculator.

Tor.

Guys, who gave a question?

Yeah,

I hate to derail us, and I'm super sorry to say this.

We've been so on track so far.

Micah just sent me a message that that person you read is actually right about the pronunciation of Artificer, Barbara.

I know they probably were, and I hate it.

If you look it up in the dictionary, that's actually the phonetic pronunciation, Artificer.

Artificer.

But the thing is, is that, like, there's other words involving artificer, like artifice, like artifice, and art is something where artifice doesn't make sense.

What if they

are a lady?

So, is it artifice lady?

Get out.

What did I do?

I just made it funny.

I think it would be, is it on sir and madam?

Hey, there it is.

That's quality.

Artifa Madam.

No, I think Blaine's also right because one of the ladies, isn't that also like a royal, like Sir?

It might be.

Gentleman and lady.

I like Madam more.

Hello, everyone.

I'm John Reisinger.

I'm the one who's here to laugh at everybody's terrible jokes.

And I am playing Nanny Mate, who is a level three at Warlock Drow.

Nanny Matid?

Nanny Wonder.

That's Natty's name.

Didn't you know that?

My brain just broke.

I was like, was that her actual last name?

No,

actually, you broke my brain when I didn't, I don't think I remember you saying Doug's last name.

And when so you said Doug Boone,

I was like, oh, I don't remember that.

Learn a little more about Doug Boone.

Doug Boone.

Doug Boone.

I play Natty Wonder,

who is a Drow Warlock.

And

my favorite app on the Smartstone, um, it has to be uh cantrips with friends.

Um, it's a game that me and all my friends in school, we used to do all play with all each other, and and it would really help us remember our lessons because you know, you kind of bring up stuff you learned about, and and then it's also a little game you get to play with your friends.

That's so good.

Now, I do want an actual app.

Are you sure it's not the Jeremy Renner app?

What was that app called?

Yeah, I don't remember.

It was like a social network.

The Jeremy Renner app.

I think it was just called the Jeremy Renner app.

Yeah, it's great.

And now I'm sad it doesn't exist anymore.

I think we need the Jeremy Renner app again.

Jeremy Renner official.

Rest in peace.

Jeremy Renner.

App, not to Jeremy Renner.

I believe he is still alive.

He's still alive.

How can I ate the worst of the Marvel characters?

Even though a snow blower tried to take him out.

The one thing I was going to say is I don't know.

Maybe I'm wrong.

I don't know if we got Gunther's level in class.

I know he introduced himself as a middle-aged, but I don't know if we got the rest of the details.

That's his class, middle-age.

Level three fighter.

Yeah, he said fighter.

You did?

Okay.

What's Gunther's last name?

You're not.

Oh,

he can't stop.

He can't stop.

I think Chris legitimately hasn't thought of a lost day.

I don't know.

Because we just had a conversation in a second win.

We recorded the thing.

I was going to say the same thing.

Where Chris was like, I don't want to be mysterious anymore.

I want to tell people stuff.

And then he...

What did that?

I have a last name.

Ooh.

Go on.

You're not saying it?

But Tov is asking it right now.

We also don't know Toll's last name.

Ooh, I don't have a last name.

You're like Madonna?

Yeah, Madonna.

Meet her.

Gigs up prime less mean.

Apparently she was mean.

Oh,

we'll use Beyonce as an example instead.

Okay.

Although she does have a last name, Snowles.

Yeah, but no one ever says that.

Toll Pole Knowles.

What was your most used app, Doug?

I'm just noting all of these.

Spotify.

That's right, Spotify.

We were looking at the pronunciation of Artificer when you said that, so I just wanted to make sure I've got it all straight here.

By the way, I'm going to keep saying Artificer.

I'm not going to say Artificer just because it breaks my brain.

I'm 46 years old.

Oh.

I'm firmly set in my wrong ways.

I think that's what happens when you get old.

You just refuse to accept new things and you refuse to accept that you're wrong.

And

you become

a cranky person because nobody agrees with you anymore.

Oh my God.

Gus, you were like my age when I met you.

I need a moment.

Yeah, someday we'll be that age.

It'll happen to you.

I think Gus was like 27 when I first met him.

Yeah.

It's wild.

Yeah.

I was young once a long time ago.

All right.

Naddy, you finally managed to punch a hole in the ground.

And you see that there's a small cavern beneath.

And when you look down, you see...

This is a cat, so help me, God.

Always find a way to find a cat for John.

You look down to see a pair of eyes glaring back at you with a vicious scarlet glow.

Flames ignite the cavern, and you're suddenly staring at three blazing red hounds that bound out from the hole onto the surface with a thud.

As they bare their fangs and growl, your training floods back into your mind with the name of these fiery fiends, De Mongrels.

What?

GG.

What?

GG?

GG, Natty.

Good one.

Let's go ahead and kick off this episode by everyone rolling initiative for me.

Okay.

Eight.

For Natty.

16.

17.

12.

Kind of sounds like 12.

Does that fall?

It does.

It does.

Maybe that's your last name.

Tolv 12.

Oh, it's 12 o'clock.

So, in the order, we have Doug with 17, Gunther with 16, Tolv with 12, Natty with 8, and the Demongrels will act on 7.

Other than Natty, we're all above with the buckets of water, right?

I'm not down.

I'm not below.

Correct.

Yeah, and Natty had not dropped down.

Natty had just started digging.

I think, and you, Eldritch Blast, if I recall properly, to maybe open up some of the dirt.

I did.

That's how I found the hole.

That's how I found these mean doggies.

A cool way to dig.

No such thing as a mean doggy, only mean owners.

Why dig when you can blast?

All right, Doug.

You are in the bucket brigade, and I guess you would, you know, obviously the fire is in front of you at the mess hall, and you would know or you would see that Natty has been digging this hole and is now startled with what appeared to be like flaming hounds peeking up at her.

Okay, so is it safe to say that these are probably fire resistant?

Uh, why don't you have Doug make a wisdom check?

Okay.

Doug is gonna do a wisdom.

Does Doug have a Pokedex check?

I do not send out the Bold Bazaar.

Send out a bunch of 20 for a 23.

Good board.

Yeah, you would assume that this type...

Doug's a very wise bug bear, and you would assume that this type of creature is probably immune to fire or very resistant to it at the very least.

Okay.

And how far away am I from like the nearest creature?

Where you are over to where Natty is, she probably only walked about 15 feet away to start digging.

Okay.

Could I try to shoot my crossbow at the one closest to Natty?

Sure.

There's one that's head is barely peeking out above the ground and you can take aim at that one.

Whack-a-mongrel.

I want to take aim at that one.

Right between the eyes or whatever type of vision

things it has.

Shoot your shot.

Oh, gosh.

That's a six.

Just a six.

You can't add anything on that?

Well, she rolled a two and added four.

Yeah, I rolled a two.

Yeah.

I don't have any sort of inspiration die or

like re-roll feet.

Okay.

Oh, well, I think you're so shocked,

Doug, that there's actual combat.

You know, you pull your weapon out and fumble with it a little bit, and you're a little shaky when you let your shot fly, and it flies wide.

Doug, maybe next time you shoot your crossbow, you keep your eyes open.

Oh, well, at least I didn't shoot you in the face, Naddy, okay?

No, I was just saying a little bit.

I noticed you winced when you're doing like violence, and I get that, so maybe, but maybe, you know, open your eyes.

Okay, I'll try next time.

It's funny you say that because I was going to say the shot flies wide, and then Priestess Chess has to duck to avoid getting hit by the crossbow bolt.

Okay, oops.

And then, question for you, DMs, since I'm still so new to this.

Y'all, the ability of math.

Thank you, Blaine.

The ability of magical tinkering.

Is that an action?

Is that something I have to do not in combat?

Is that a bonus action?

So magical tinkering, I'm going to read what it says for everyone here.

You can imbue a tiny non-magical object with a magical property of your choice.

Five-foot radius light, recorded message up to six seconds long, emits odor or non-verbal sound, static visual effect, including up to 25 words of text.

You can affect a maximum of four objects at a time.

And that is an action.

And if you look at the bottom there, like if you on your character sheet under features and traits where it says that, there's like four little boxes you can click that denote the uses and it says magical tinkering one action.

So that would be an action to perform that.

Okay.

How long do they last after being imbued?

I think it depends on what I imbue it with.

So I imagine every long rest.

So that's just kind of the summary description.

The longer description says that the chosen property lasts indefinitely.

Okay, so it is something something that, like, in the morning, Doug could, like, prep, you know, up to four items to have these abilities if he wanted.

If he wanted.

Yes.

Okay.

But you could only ever have four at a time.

It's like you can make four new ones every day.

So how do you undo it?

I guess you use it.

Yeah, you would use it if it gets expanded or if it's broken or if you just choose to like remove the effect so you can put it on another one.

Okay.

We'll say like as part of your tinkering, you can also tinker with the object to disembow it.

That's not a a word.

But I just made it up.

You could disembow it.

Disavow it.

He's got to disavow it.

You can do it somewhere else.

It's a mission impossible rules.

I guess since that didn't work, I'll just get a little bit closer to Natty so I can help out a little bit more.

But still like not within like arm's reach of the melee.

Yeah.

So you want to move like 10 feet?

That way you're like five feet away from them?

Yeah.

Okay.

I feel like we should be challenging Gus more and being like, no, I want to move nine and a half feet.

And he has to start keeping track of like fractions of distance.

Yeah, I'm not sure what would happen, but it wouldn't be good for you.

I would find a way to disincentivize that as quickly as possible.

Have we not learned three campaigns and never sass Gus?

I'll find a way to get that.

No, I've learned sass Gus until you get the point where Gus doesn't want to be sassed anymore and then step back just one step.

Or maybe half a step or three quarters.

Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.

Exactly.

You find that line and then you just take a step back.

Yeah, yeah.

It's like it's a little bonus game inside of D ⁇ D.

Yeah.

Okay, so is that it for your turn, Doug?

That's my turn.

Okay.

And I don't know, I didn't mention it at the top of this episode during the recap, but there was one other thing I felt maybe compelled to mention here.

At the end of the previous episode as well, I believe you all had a major roller perception check, and some of you noticed that Colonel Boye was walking over to the barracks.

Yeah.

Thank you for that reminder.

And that's not what's on the mess hall's on fire.

Correct.

Mess hall's on fire.

Barracks is where all these items were and stuff.

All the items were, yeah.

I thought what's his name took him?

The drill sergeant.

He took the contraband, but your foot lockers and the beds and all the other stuff's there.

Drill Sergeant Steel.

I just took your contraband.

You said there was a hammer over the door with a plaque.

Wasn't that important?

Didn't someone say a hammer was important?

I thought one of us found some type of hammer in our as contraband.

Yeah.

Why doesn't everyone make me a wisdom check?

Okay.

Oh, good roll.

Seven.

Three.

No modifier.

I plus zero.

Fifteen.

Sixteen.

The wisest barbarian of them all.

I need to get all my bad rolls out of the way.

All right.

Doug and Gunther, you can't quite recall exactly what the details of that were, but Tolv and Natty did roll well enough to remember that there was actually no hammer in the contraband.

I think Doug said that to Colonel Boy last episode, but that was Doug misremembering what actually happened.

The hammer was actually mounted above the door in the barracks and had a plaque under it.

Oh.

So what was in Tolv's foot locker?

I had like,

I believe it was like some sort of wrappings or something.

It was like something that belonged to Steel Eye.

I think, yeah, you had said that Tolv had the hammer, but it was actually foot wraps that belonged to Drill Sergeant Steel Eye.

I could have sworn someone had some type of weapon.

Gotta take better notes.

I mean, I have better hammer,

I do look at you and think, Hamil, you know.

Stop!

It's because you nailed it.

I didn't write down what our contraband was, but I did write down that the people at the Abbey of the Convent are tanners.

Is that give me some

or maybe like hammer, tanner?

I don't know.

Let's move on.

All right,

there's something there.

I'm so, I'm so bad.

At this point, Doug, now that your turn is is over, you also notice that Colonel Boy stops for a second at the door to the barracks and he begins like kind of scratching his head, like scratching his hair.

And like slowly you see like he just rips all of his hair off of his head and it all comes off like a hair piece.

And as he does so, what you knew as Colonel Boy seems to fade away.

Well, not fade away, like disappears.

And instead, replacing Colonel Boy is some kind of cycloptic devil.

Colonel Colonel Boy looks around with a sneer on his face and he looks at the demongrels that are looking at you, Natty, and you just hear one word escape his lips: Burn.

And he turns and walks into the barracks.

Was it just a burp?

Was he burping?

Yeah, yeah, he's a little gassy.

You know, brimstone and fire.

No.

Colonel Boy was really cool.

We are all kind of suspicious with how cool he that dude was.

You said it was a cycloptic?

Yeah.

So like one eye kind of thing.

Correct.

Colonel Boy.

Oh, gosh.

Now, if we're going to be dealing with, like, uh, fake persons and stuff throughout this campaign, I'm not going to trust anyone.

I know.

I thought we like got a good vibe on him, did we not?

Yeah.

Yeah.

Yeah.

That's funny because normally you all are so trusting of every NPC you meet.

It's going to be a huge, uh, huge turnaround for you all.

See, this was a big betrayal.

I wanted to turn over a new leaf.

Gunther, you're up, then after Gunther is told.

Just to be clear, I didn't see Colonel Boy or hear the burn.

uh no but it's up to doug whether or not he would have said something but is colonel boy just trying to do a cycloptic thing and say born oh

just be you all in in case you couldn't understand me saying born

not born like he was celebrating a birthday or something uh okay Gunther would like to take the bucket of water he's holding and splash it on the dog that's got its head poking out.

Oh, interesting.

Okay.

Or pour it on.

I don't know how we would do that, but make

an unarmed.

Do you have like an unarmed strike or like a touch attack?

Sure.

One of those.

I like that.

This was part.

He'd be paying on the dog.

What do you mean?

19.

Uh, yeah, that would hit.

Yeah, so you take your bucket of water over.

Just so I know, we're still early in this campaign, so I'm gonna have questions about the characters.

Yeah.

When Gunther moves, does he walk or does he hop?

Oh, good idea.

Depends on if he's how fast he's moving.

If he's moving slow, I think he can, you know, walk.

If he's like dashing, I think he hops.

Cool.

Okay, so in this case, he'd probably be hopping.

He's got to hold the bucket.

Yeah, I don't think so because he's

holding the bucket.

So walking.

Yeah.

I could hop with limbs.

Hold a bucket.

Okay, yeah.

So you walk over with the bucket and you toss it on there.

Roll, let's call it a D8 for damage.

Date?

Five.

Okay.

Yeah, you upend the bucket on top of the Demongrel's head, and you know, it very quickly starts dousing the fire, and steam emanates everywhere, kind of surrounding you, the Demongrels, and Natty, and rising up a bit.

The Demongrel howls in pain and lashes out at you with a bite.

Well, I was gonna, if it, I was gonna say I'm more like, you know, toss it like I wouldn't have gotten like right in front, like within attack of opportunity.

I'd love, I love an after-a-thing.

I did.

Let me say it.

Let me say, let me say, I like it when after-a thing happens, you get a, well, from Chris.

That's such a classic Chris thing.

I did say that.

Such a classic.

You didn't say it.

In the future, if you say it, I'll allow it, but this time I'm going to say,

no, it lashes out when bites back at you.

I love it.

It's so good.

It's so good.

It's okay, Goon Third.

Because I know how this went down.

It's Chris thought this, but Chris doesn't say everything he thinks.

I miss when we were newer at D D

and so I know Chris Chris, like, I actually believe that Chris thought that this is what he wanted to do, but he doesn't vocalize it, so therefore Gus can't act on it.

In my mind, yeah, it was like walking up and pouring it on.

Alright, so it lashes out with the bite, hitting AC 17.

That's equal to mine.

Alright, so it hits.

High AC.

Yeah, yeah, very high AC.

That is very high.

Geez.

It clamps onto you, biting, doing eight points of damage.

All right.

What you're going to do?

Well, I have a question.

Was that my action to toss the water?

Well, yeah, it's an attack, right?

I don't know.

I, it was to me, it was like a bucket toss, so I would, that's what I was asking.

Yeah, it would, that would be like an attack since you made an attack roll.

That's an attack action.

Okay.

You have bonus actions.

So the demongrel bites at you, doing eight points of damage, and its mouth is so hot that it also burns where it latched onto you.

Oh, God.

Spicy tea.

Doing an additional five points of fire dash.

Yes.

It's like the more you resist, the more hurts you get.

It's like there's lessons being learned here.

And it's like totally latched on, biting you, and it now has you grappled.

Oh dear.

You can make a check to see if you can escape it since it is your turn right now.

You can make either a strength or a dexterity check for me like actions or something.

Yeah, get out of it.

Yeah, I'll do a dexterity check.

Sure.

Just roll me a dexterity check.

I'll do a dexterity check.

Yeah, go ahead and roll me a dexterity check.

Nine.

And I'm going to give you a peek into my insight, into my thought process here, Barbara.

Yeah.

This is our third campaign, and I frequently ask for checks and get saves, and I frequently ask for saves and get checks.

So that's why I

say it over and over.

He's parroting.

He's parroting in order to

reinforce.

Yeah, reinforce.

Okay, so Gunther rolls a nine, which is not, it's close, but it's not quite enough to get out.

The Demongrel's just like chomping down on you.

What's the scale of this demongrel to our little Croakfolk guy?

Good question.

Are you a medium-sized creature, Chris?

I think I'm small.

Okay, so the Demongrels are medium-sized.

So

it's pretty big.

There's a bit of a size difference.

Nice dog sweet.

See, it's like when a dog gets a little frog toy in its mouth, and it's just like...

Yeah, that's what I'm imagining.

I'm imagining that.

So I want to use my maneuver, menacing attack.

When you hit with a weapon attack, you can expend one superiority die to add the total to the damage roll and the target must make a wisdom saving throw dc14 on a failure it is frightened of you till the end of your next turn what's that called again i want to read up on it uh menacing attack superiority die menacing yeah superiority die so even though the bucket is not a weapon you were you were using it as a weapon in this case right uh since you were attacking with it so yeah we'll say you know it's not i think normally it wouldn't work but i think in this case the way you were using it sure why not it's a weapon attack So you expend that one superiority die and add to the damage roll.

Okay, so what is your superiority die?

A D8?

It's a D8, yeah.

Okay, yeah, go ahead and roll that.

It's a five.

Ooh, that's quite superior.

I did not know such a dice exist.

Okay, and

needs to make a wisdom saving throw DC 14, correct?

Mm-hmm.

Its wisdom modifier is

minus four.

So I need an 18 or better on this.

Oh, wow.

You've got this in the bag, Gunther.

I rolled a 16.

Close, but not quite enough.

That's still pretty high.

Yeah, so it is now frightened of you until the end of your next turn.

I like the idea that it bites you and it goes,

would it still be biting me?

So the way it all works, it would all happen at the same time.

Its bite, just a peek behind the screen here, is a reaction.

It's kind of like an attack of opportunity.

So it kind of triggers at the same time as your thing.

So it definitely bit.

If it's frightened, let me see the frighten condition.

It has disadvantage on ability checks and attack rolls while it's a fear of line sight.

It cannot move closer to you.

I'm gonna say it can hold on because it already happened at the same time, but now it has any disadvantage on any more rolls against you.

Okay, so I can't move because it's gripped me, right?

It's got me correct.

All right, I am done.

And that's it for Gunther.

I declare bankruptcy.

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Up next is Tov, then Naddy, then the Demongrels.

Tov, go for it.

Okay, so we have the guy that's biting Gunther.

Is there anybody else out right now?

So there are a total of three Demongrels.

Only one of them is kind of like partially emerging, and that's the one that's engaged with Gunther at the moment.

There are two more you can see kind of in the hole that's been blasted open below there, but they're not fully emerged yet.

Okay.

Just cover the hole with your giant body.

Great idea.

Just take one for the team.

Yeah, it's like a grenade on the ground.

Just jump on it to save your team.

Okay, first order of business.

I am going to disengage my shield because I want to do two-handed attacks.

Okay?

And I'm going to take my war.

No.

I'm going to rage.

There you go.

When you say disengage your shield, you mean like store it.

Yeah.

Okay, got it.

Yeah.

Then I'm going to rage.

How again?

Ooh, spooky.

So scary.

Everyone very intimidated.

And then I'm going to take my war hammer and I'm going to

whack-a-mole.

Yeah.

What are you going to start with?

Are you going to start with the one that's chomping on Gunther?

Are you going to start with another one that has not been damaged yet?

I'm going to ask this, and if you want to give me some grace, I'd appreciate it, because I'm so rusty at D ⁇ D, guys.

It's been so long.

If I I were to attack that guy, you're not going to like include Gunther in the attack, right?

No, no, no.

You would be able to attack him without endangering Gunther.

Okay, so then I'm going to attack the one that's attacking Gunther.

Okay.

Get him off my friend's butt.

What do you say?

No frog legs served in this restaurant.

Rolled.

Oh my god, that's a 24.

Believe it or not, that's a hit.

Yeah, it's a crazy hit.

And then I'm going to use the bludgeoning.

Oh, chow.

Also, this thing called Storm Aura.

It's a 10-foot aura effect when you start your rage and as a bonus action on each of your turns.

When activated, one creature of your choice in your aura takes lightning damage.

So the way that I read this and the way this would work is I think this would happen before your attack.

So if you wanted this to hit the creature that's biting Gunther, you could.

Or you could have it hit something else and then have your melee attack hit the one that is attacking Gunther.

Are the other little dudes in the hole?

Are they in my range?

Are they in my aura?

If you stepped up, yes, I said they were about 15 feet away, so if you took like a five-foot step and then raged, then yeah, they would all be in range.

Got it.

It's one creature.

Okay, then I will use my aura on the guy that's jumping on frog.

Okay, so it needs to make a dexterity saving throw DC 13.

And its dex check is minus one.

So I need a 14 or better.

Yeah.

That is a 13, which is a failure.

So it takes the full amount of lightning damage.

Okay, so I'm going to roll my d6.

That's a two.

Not a lot.

Yeah, you rage and like a small amount of storm clouds come in over you, starts crackling, and Tov asks, do you know what happens to a Daymongrel when it gets struck by lightning?

No, for the record, canonically, Tolv.

No, you know what?

Yes, Sand.

Just like everything else, it gets electrocuted, whatever Halley Berry's line was.

Should use that line on Gunther.

Oh.

That demongrel gets zapped with electricity, seizes up, and then falls over.

Its flame extinguished.

Gunther is no longer grappled.

Wee!

Which means that your attack on that one doesn't need to happen.

You can target one of the other ones with that attack if you wanted to, because now you would run up and then do your Warhammer attack.

Okay, and then I and then I will vacuum all.

Yeah, and we can use that same role you already did.

That's fine.

Yeah, I mean, I figured.

You hit another one that's in the hole.

So, yeah, the one that's biting Gunther gets zapped with electricity, falls down, so then another Demongrel pops its head up ready to emerge, and

just as it does, Tolf shows up to whack-a-mole and hits it over the head, doing four points of damage.

It'll be six, because I got the plus two from the rage.

You are correct.

Six points of damage.

Alright, is there anything else you can do there, Tolf?

Has it already emerged from the hole, or has it gone back down?

I say its head is like popping up, and that's when you hit it.

Okay, it's like a diglet.

Yes.

I'm just going to throw this because I think it'd be a funny visual.

It's not going to happen, but not, you know what?

Never mind.

Yeah, I'm just going to stand at ready by that hole.

Maybe a distant enough so that I can't get like a surprise attack thing, you know, like within like five feet of it.

I don't know.

I don't know.

I wanted to put my shield on the hole.

I thought that would be funny.

I mean, that might help.

But I think it's too many actions.

I think Gus would say that.

Yeah, bonus action for the rage and then the attack.

Yeah,

we're getting a little much.

That's fine.

But yeah, you stand there at the ready.

Okay.

That's

Natty, you're up.

Okay.

Is the steam like that came off of that one demongrel, is it still like surrounding us or is it dissipated?

It's starting to dissipate, but this is all happening very quickly at the same time.

So it's still there.

Okay, that's fine.

Natty's standing there and

is taking account of everything that's happening.

And then all of a sudden, Natty's hand starts kind of like...

twitching and vibrating kind of like on its own and kind of like uh shaking like out from away from her a little bit and natty takes an eye at it and goes uh-oh

looks like someone wants to come out to play

but

out from natty's ring pops a little creature

what does it look like what is it give me one second i have to look at the name because it's a weird name did you not name it yourself no the name of the creature a type of creature uh oh

we got natty lore dropping yeah gone through basic training and i'm just now meeting this little guy and your girl out pops pops out a little quasi.

Oh, did it come out of the quasi?

Inspiration dies.

You can have mine

so good.

That's so fun.

You can have mine.

That's the easy way to remember it now.

Yeah, Nanny goes, all right, all right, all right.

You can have some fun.

Go on.

And this little creature lunges at the demongrel that Tov was fighting.

Okay.

I just looked up a Quasit and they are perfect balance of horrifying and cute.

I can't.

Yeah,

actually, I gotta, actually, I should describe this little quasit.

I'll introduce you to him later.

But he's actually, uh, he's actually a little shorter than a regular Quasit.

He's kind of got like a little portly belly a little bit, and he's a little smaller than the typical Quasit.

For those who aren't super familiar with Quasits, what's a typical Quasit size?

They're like demonic-looking little like gremlins.

They almost look like gremlins, like the actual gremlins that the Mogwai turn into in gremlins.

And that size is about appropriate.

They're tiny fiends.

That's what their actual designation is.

And so he lets out a little

scream of delight

and does a claw action on the Demongrel.

And I will roll for that.

Does he sound like Salacious Crumb?

It does kind of.

It looks like a cross between Salacious Crumb and the gremlins.

It does.

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

The little guy rolls a 14 on attack.

Wow, that hits.

You know what it reminds me of, Gus?

Yeah, what?

That episode, Treehouse of Horrors from The Simpsons, where there's like the little creature on the spool bus.

Yeah, that's totally what it looks like.

Yeah.

I gotta start watching Simpsons to get all your guys' reference.

When you guys talk about The Simpsons, it's like you dip into a different language, and I'm like, oh, I don't know what they're talking about.

Just right over my head every single time.

But it's fine.

I'm glad you guys have that connection.

Rolling for damage.

That's a four plus three.

That's seven piercing damage.

And the the target must succeed on a DC-10 constitution saving throw or take some poison damage.

No, it doesn't because it's dead.

Oh.

I thought that was going to be like, they're immune to poison.

Shut up, John.

Your quasit emerges, lashes out at

the Demongrel, and just like, I picture it's like, it begins clawing at its face and just doesn't stop over and over until the Demongrel falls over or falls back into the hole, unmoving.

And it's making sounds that you can only ascertain are like delight and joy how do those sound like

that does sound like a lot of delight

and uh natty turns to him and goes

such a good boy look what you did look what you did that's a good little boy does it have a name it does are we allowed to know yet or is that tbd i'll i'll introduce you after combat okay because i want i want natty to introduce it to you guys didn't always bring your closet to work day

And that is my turn.

Okay, it is now the Day Mongrel's turn.

There's only one of them left.

It does not like how this combat is going.

Its friends have all been killed as soon as they pop their head out.

This one has not popped its head out.

It's going to try to run away through the underground passage.

Anyone who's there in melee range can take an attack of opportunity, which would be Doug, Toll, and Natty and the Quasit and the Quasit wait would I not be I'm sorry I said Doug I meant gunther I'm still learning your names I'm getting your names wrong that's what I thought that I did gunther toll and natty I looked uh this guy I looked at you Chris and I said doug which is obviously wrong it's funny because you did that last one I think you talked about her on second wind for last episode about how you accidentally did that and then you just went with it I just rolled with it I pretended like it's what I meant yeah no it's uh gunther toll and natty rolled of 14 for a warhammer 21 21.

Wow.

Quasit did not hit.

That was a 9.

Okay.

And then Natty can do an unarmed strike.

Is that what it would be?

Yeah, or if you have a weapon you can use, you can do that too.

It's up to you.

I don't have a weapon.

Or if you have another Quasit up your sleeve.

Shush.

17 on a hit.

Nice.

See, all of those hit.

So everyone roll your damage.

Eight, eight, seven, one.

Be 16 total if you're counting all of them up.

Look at that, Matt.

Thank you, Doug.

Doug, with the calculations.

See what I tell you guys?

No calculator needed.

And what did the quasit roll to hit?

Nine, so it didn't hit.

No, that actually does hit.

Oh, it does.

Yeah.

Dang, these things ain't got nothing on them.

Yeah, go ahead and roll the damage on that.

That would be six piercing damage.

So a total of 22 points of damage.

22 points.

See, Doug does not need the calculator to figure that out.

We already covered that.

Yeah.

Okay, yeah.

The Demongrel kind of turns around to try to run away, and like all at once, the three of you in the quasi all like hit it at the same time and it just explodes into bits and is no more.

They're somehow still trying to impress Colonel Boy, who's not actually Colonel Boy.

Yeah.

Now, well, he still might be Colonel Boy.

So we're out of combat?

Yeah.

At this point, you all look around at each other with, you know, a sense of satisfaction.

You just, you know, handled some combat.

The mess hall is still on fire, but, you know, you've at least stopped the mongrels for now.

And as you look around with a sense of satisfaction, the cycloptic demon walks back out from the barracks.

The one who you previously knew as Colonel Boy.

Is he holding anything?

Yeah, he does have something in his hand.

He looks around at you four and sees, you know, the demongrels have been dispatched.

And you see, in his hand, he has a hammer.

Oh, I told you.

The demongrels are of no matter.

I have what I came for.

The claw hammer.

That was a bad rhyme.

You should workshop that if that was your intention.

Well, that's not very nice.

Why would you say that?

Attack me, bro.

I'm raging.

Come on, you know you want to.

Look at me.

Ooh, hit the Tov.

Come on.

Inter combat, let's go.

We'll say he

thinks about it.

He looks at Tov and really gives it a thought.

Oh, come on!

Roll for persuasion.

Yeah, make an intimidation check.

Ooh!

See, I got plus three to that.

This could be good.

13.

Yeah, his eyes fixate on you.

I.

Yeah, that's true.

That's true.

He said, I.

He said, I.

Yeah, yeah.

His eye fixates on you.

And a cloud of smoke begins crackling over your head, Tol.

Uh-oh, this is not the clouds you summoned.

Make me a wisdom saving throw.

Oh, no.

Seven.

Oh, no, I killed him.

You suddenly become really frightened by this gaze, and you feel like you can't hide anything.

And all your deepest, darkest secrets are laid bare before this demon and you feel like you can only tell the truth and there's nothing you can do to stop it.

Okay, carry on, never mind, I'll see you later.

Please leave, go.

The creature jumps forward and hisses at you all wielding the hammer.

Can Naddy turn to the chest lady?

Yeah.

Is this normal?

Is this like a thing he does?

Priestess chest is running away.

She's trying to hide i'm gonna take that as a no

she's just sprinting for cover

the creature jumps forward uh instead of using the hammer that's in his hand he pulls out a mallet and uh takes a swing at toll with that all according to plan i have a quick question while this is happening go ahead so obviously like we encountered colonel boy or who we thought was colonel boy earlier is it clearly that like this is the same Colonel Boy that took off his skin or whatever he did to turn into this creature or is there another colonel boy somewhere in this vicinity that we could see and someone else was disguised as him why don't you make me a wisdom check doug a wisdom check he didn't make you do a perception check

you know what i'm gonna use my inspiration die already i think it's worth it what'd you roll i rolled a three now i rolled a 15 plus three so 18.

yeah you think it's likely that this is an imposter okay an imposter but that there's not another boye here like basically i was trying to figure out if the one we were speaking to before was the real one and that it's like he's hiding somewhere.

This is the same one you were talking to before.

Same thing.

That works, yeah.

Yeah.

No, I think that's actually helpful to discern.

Okay.

And also based on his wording, a colonel boy exists.

Yes, that's just not here.

Yeah.

Yeah.

This was an imposter, yeah.

Yeah, so the demon takes a swing, rolls a 17.

That meets.

Yeah, but he's got a plus with his weapon.

Plus five, that's a 22.

Oh, that garb that hits, that's a good hit.

He hits with his mallet, doing.

It's going to be bludgeoning damage.

You're fine.

Four points of bludgeoning damage.

That was so Veny of you.

Would it be half of you?

I am raging right now.

You cut that number in half.

So go ahead and make a wisdom saving throw as well.

Doug, give them the number.

What's the real number?

Let's see.

So, if my calculations are correct, four divided by two, because your waging would be two.

Thank you, Doug.

Doug is the Vanna White White of Toll's game show.

Eight wisdom save.

Alright, you know, you think that you can shrug that off easily, but when the mallet hits you, you feel almost like it hits you metaphysically.

Like, you feel it damaging your soul.

It hits your childhood.

Oh, no.

You take an additional five points of psychic damage.

Oh!

So...

It was originally four, ducked down to two

plus the five, so seven.

Seven, correct.

Okay.

I can do this all day.

Oh, he sneers at that and then rears back the mallet and then swings at you again.

Yeah, teach me a lesson.

Come on, what are you gonna do, next shot?

Oh, we found

22.

Yeah, maybe that hits.

I don't know.

Go for it.

Scroll your damage.

Doing four points of bludgeoning damage.

By my calculations again, that would be

divide by two.

It'll be two.

Thank you, dog.

It's a hundred percent the Zach Galifanakis like

gif of, like, the numbers, like, rolling around his head as he does that.

And make me another wisdom saving throw.

Okay.

Remember, guys, I could figure it out.

16.

Better.

Oh, okay.

Yeah,

that's fine.

I'll tell you what.

What?

He doesn't like that.

He's going to force you to re-roll that wisdom saving throw.

Oh, my God.

Did you give this guy lucky?

You gave this guy lucky.

You might have something like that.

By the way, Gus is just smirking.

Two campaigns of trolling have come to this point.

point.

But that's okay, because I got to 17.

Hey, Doug, is 17 more than 16?

Uh, let's see.

So you take 17, you mine is 16, and you get a one.

So yes, there's one more than 16, which means it is more.

Take it.

How many charges of lucky did Kyborg get?

Like three.

I think, you know, on a good day, unless he, like, used them on other things.

He liked to use them on dumb things just to make a point, right?

Yeah.

He's gonna do it.

Why don't you re-roll that again?

Oh, God, dude.

Come on.

No, no.

Oh, that's a not 20 dumb.

I don't know whose team I'm on.

I don't know whose team I'm on because I do like that Blaine is thwarting this, but I also love how much Gus has like bulldog bitten into this.

All right.

Well, guess what?

He's got one more.

Yeah, do it.

He's gonna roll one more.

You wanna do one more?

One more time.

Just go for it.

Come on.

I can roar one more.

Yeah, you got this, 12.

12.

Uh-oh.

Yes.

All right.

That's a failure.

You take an additional.

All four?

Eight points of psychic damage.

Okay, so the eight plus the bludging

10 damage.

Booger's like, up, he's like, what's going on?

Oh, that is satisfying.

I see why you did that now.

Yeah, this demon looks at you, Toll, straight in the eye, his eye, your eyes, and says,

Justice has been served.

Oh.

You can't.

What is this?

We heard that before.

And with that, he jumps into the hole that the Demongrels were in.

Colv dips his head into the hole, like that was the lamest line.

So stupid.

And I don't like you.

You and I have created the opposite of a friendship.

And I hate you now.

And I don't use that word often, but I hate you.

Does Doug remember if we've heard that someone say that before?

Make a wisdom check.

I feel like Doug has a lot of very insightful questions.

I'm gonna be, I feel like I'm already seeing a precedent.

I'm gonna be having Doug make a lot of wisdom checks this campaign.

17.

Nice.

It does not ring a bell at the moment.

It doesn't sound like anything that sticks out necessarily.

Maybe just to Barbara does.

Was the mallet like a judge's mallet?

Oh, is that...

Maybe.

Sawyer?

Is that you?

Maybe.

Interesting.

Could be.

He did say justice has been served, so there is some type of maybe like law.

Can I roll a perception check to see if he had like a white powdered wig?

He did rip his hair off.

A wig-wearing band.

What did his hair look like?

Well, before it looked like human hair, like Colonel Boyce's hair.

It wasn't a white-powered wig, but it was a wig of some kind.

Anyway, yeah, the demon jumps into the underground caverns and then disappears from your sight.

And yeah, we're out of combat.

So should we maybe finish putting his fire out, guys?

Is the fire still going?

Yeah, the fire's still going.

The flames are burning at a constant rate.

Doug just wants to grab like buckets of water and run back and forth himself, trying to dash.

We've talked about this.

You don't want to do an assembly line again?

We talked about this.

It's the last second wind about how you guys went about this the most inefficient way possible.

I was going to say we should get back into line.

Really inefficiently.

And we talked about in the episode how it was you that started that idea because in that second we mentioned uh the way when you do the line you have to make four checks to get one successful bucket instead of four checks for four buckets anyway i'm learning doug uh you start getting some water and putting the you begin putting the fire out trying to get it under control naddy helps thank you yeah anybody else well i i so just to be clear that there's no way we're gonna catch Judge, whatever his name, Cyclops.

He's gone, gone.

You could go into the underground passage if you want.

You can try to help Doug and Naddy put out the fire.

You can go anywhere.

You're still in the courtyard here, yeah?

Yeah, you're your own man.

Then I guess I would at least hop down and see

how far away he is.

Like, if I get to see him within that turn.

Sure.

Tolf, what do you want to do?

Definitely don't want to go down the hole.

I want to put out these fires.

Okay, so you also grab a bucket and start putting out the fire.

The three of you, you know, very, pretty quickly, you're able to get the fire under control, running back and forth with your buckets of water.

Gunther, you hop down and look into the caverns.

Why don't you make me, let's call it an investigation check.

Nat 20.

Whoa!

For 19.

Nice.

Yeah, you hop down and you can see that these seem to be ancient subterranean caves that are carved out like they're roughly hewn through the rock.

And it's very humid with steam permeating all throughout it.

Yeah, it seems like you're in almost like a small passageway cavern, and it kind of widens out and leads into maybe a slightly bigger room if you continue down the passageway.

Okay, but I don't see Judge Eyeball.

Judge you don't see him here.

You presume there's only one way to go.

You presume he continued down this passage into where it widens out.

Chris, Judge Eyeball.

Chris, please, it's the honorable Judge Eyeball.

I hop back out.

Yeah, you hop back out and you see that

the rest of B-team has the fire under control.

I have to say, as dumb as it is to hop into the hole that the enemy escaped through, I do think that that's like a goonther.

Like, he's like stalking his prey.

You know, like he's like a warrior.

That seems pretty rad.

It's very, very, very brave.

He has escaped, but there is passages.

Why did they build this army camp over

caves?

Yeah.

Like, let's talk to the architect, because, like, wow, terrible decision.

Why would they build it here?

At this point, I'll say Drill Sergeant steel eye comes running up to you guys are you a demon too and uh he he appears frustrated and flustered he goes i'm gonna ignore that remark soldier where's the real colonel boy what's going on here

so let me break it down for you sergeant doug pulls up a chair turns it around backwards and sits in it in a wild way

let's whap okay so Here's the thing.

The real Colonel Boy, I don't think was ever heel.

I think the one that was here was an imposter.

We saw him whip whip his hair and maybe his skin off and turn into his wheel Cyclops guy.

He also

maybe got away with that hammer that was in the barracks.

Cats are claw hammer?

Yeah.

You let him get away with it?

So did you?

Well, I think everyone here let him get away with it, technically.

I mean, we're not the only soldiers here.

Yeah, what were you doing, huh?

Well, that's none of your business.

You answer to me.

I've got the stripes on my shoulders, and you will address me as Sergeant.

That moment where that's part of Gus talking.

Gus had to think about like answering the question.

And then he was like, wait, I'm in charge.

Yeah, wait a minute.

You can't win or reverse me.

So is that hammer, is it important?

That hammer is a relic from a pivotal battle of old fought in these grasslands from the Cordish Crusade.

You gotta say that word again.

Cornish, like Cornish ham, Cornish bird?

Cordage.

C-O-U-R-T-E-G-E.

We need subtitles when Gus is doing Sergeant Celia because Discord does not like you yelling.

Sorry.

And neither does Esther.

Yeah, I know.

I'm sure, yeah, she's annoyed with it now.

Cortage.

Cordage.

A Cornish.

It's probably pronounced the way you said it, Barbara, but my pronunciation guide, I think, says Cordage.

So, like, is this magic hammer like some sort of special like weapon of mass destruction?

And if so, like, why were you having it hanging in like a door and not in like some cave or something

yeah it seems kind of dangerous to leave it out in the open like daph one to just kind of glab it's here because fort and ridge is built on an old battleground from the cordage crusade and that hammer was used by soldiers on this very battlefield where now that barrack stands also this barrack stands on caves i guess at this point he would look down and realize that there are caves down there and that there's the cave system.

He would say, well, I'll be.

That must be the ancient subterranean battleground where the battle actually took place.

I didn't realize it was still down there.

Normally caves stay around.

I don't know why you thought he was going to go away.

Is that sass?

Are you sassing me, Natty?

Just stating geological facts.

The battle was so ferocious, I thought it destroyed everything.

Okay.

So how long ago was this battle?

I'm assuming you weren't there.

Oh, that battle was a hundred years ago.

Your drill sergeant's old, but he's not that old.

Okay.

So, are you familiar with this guy?

He looks like a Cyclops kind of demon kind of guy.

And if so, is it really bad that he took that hammer?

Oh, I bet he's an Oondarian agent, probably sent by Infernus to collect that relic.

I don't know who he is specifically, but I guarantee he's up to no good.

So, like, what could that hammer do?

You know, like, what's what worst case scenario What kind of advantage do they have now?

I've never wielded cats or claw hammer myself, but from what I understand when a creature struck with the hammer it causes chaos in their mind.

Oh oh dear.

What if what if there's already a little bit of chaos in your mind?

Then it's double.

Oh you

Boy you guys has times two.

I'm liking Doug.

This is fun.

Yeah, Doug, the mathematician, is fantastic.

Nanny would be looking around to see if the priestess chess is around at all still.

I know she ran away.

Yeah, she's still there.

She's still like kind of hiding behind some crates that came on the wagon along with the procession that she was riding on with Colonel Boy.

And she arrived with the boy.

Correct.

Okay.

Her and Colonel Boy arrived together along with a procession of other people and supplies on the wagon and whatnot.

Could I have a quick chat with her?

Yeah.

You walk over, like I said, she's close to the wagon, but hiding behind some crates and some barrels.

Miss Chess, I gotta ask, when did you meet up with Colonel Boy?

E, thank you.

He picked me up at the Abbey just earlier today.

Okay, so he came and picked you up.

Yes.

The whole procession came from far away, and since the Abbey's closed, we were the last stop before they arrived at Fort Endridge.

Was he alone when he picked you up?

No, we had all of this procession with us.

There's like a gathering of processional people and various soldiers and milling about.

Any demon dogs?

Demon dogs?

No, I didn't see them until they burst out from the ground.

Okay.

Can I turn to the procession people then?

Sure, yeah.

There's a couple milling by nearby.

Okay.

Naddy, they might be in disguise.

Snatch their vigs.

Go around and start pulling people's hair.

Vill you were wigs?

Villieuver wigs?

It's another good Lord of the Rings reference.

Thank you.

Okay, then Natty would turn to all of them and go, who's the first person that saw Colonel Boye?

I'm just trying to figure out where the Cyclops begins and Colonel Boy ends.

They all kind of look around at each other, like questioning and shrugging and talking amongst themselves.

No one seems to step forward to give you a straight answer.

They all seem very passive in their responses.

Okay, now I got a very important question.

Are any of you demons?

Go ahead, raise your hand.

And you have to tell the truth.

I promise I won't be upset, okay?

I just want honesty.

That's all I want.

Again, they all look around and start murmuring amongst each other, and they're all like shaking their heads.

No one is verbally saying it or like stepping forward to proclaim it, but they all seem confused by the question.

And they're all shaking their head to claim that they're not demons.

Okay, I'm going to take that as a you all are claiming you're not, but I gotta remind you, trust is an easy thing to break and a very hard thing to build back up, okay?

So if this is a moment where you need to rethink your answer, I'm gonna give you one more chance, okay?

Maddie, why don't you make me a perception check?

Naddy's so generous.

Vel said.

I was a nat 20.

Wow.

Plus two, 22.

It's a natty 20.

Natty 20.

Hey.

As you know, you're standing by the cart close to Priestess Chess and you're addressing all of this, you know, procession of people, and you think you hear sounds coming from the cart.

Oh.

All right.

I go and investigate these sounds.

Yeah, you lift up the tarp that's covering the tart.

You lift up the tarp that's covering the cart.

There's a tart inside the cart.

cart yes there's more supplies a box full of tarts i love me a good tart what kind of tart uh raspberry

and it seems to you that one of the crates is shaking and you can hear like muffled sounds coming from it okay is there like a latch can i just open it uh it's like uh hammered down you know like with nails like you need to pry it open but you can try to bust it open you can try you know with your hands to to pry it open uh no i i'll turn to my party and go uh and look towards where Tov is.

Like, I could use a very strong man with a big hammer right now.

Oh, that's me.

Now he doesn't want to get her nails, Jody.

I know, Disney.

Barb says, having just done her nails while we're playing DD.

Toll will step up.

I'm also re-equipping my shield.

Okay.

Yeah, you know, speaking of shield, I guess I'll kind of use it as a crowbar if it has like a

sharper edge and I'll kind of whittle open the chest.

Can you describe your shield a little bit for me?

Is it like a big rectangular shield?

Is it the kind that's like wide at the top and tapers down?

Well, Tolv is, you know, as you know, kind of like a Viking.

And so he has a circular shield.

Okay.

Yeah.

And it's got his crest on it.

Okay.

And what is that crest?

Wouldn't you know it?

I don't know off the top of my head.

Quick.

Funny enough, the crest is actually Raspberry Tarts.

Oh, three Raspberry Tarts and a little.

Now I'm hungry.

So Tov's crest is kind of like it's a rune.

So, it's a best way to describe it as two right angles.

One is like a less than symbol on one side and then a greater than symbol on the other.

And they're kind of like meeting in the middle and in the negative space, it almost looks like an S is in between them.

Yeah, you can get your shield and pry it under there.

Just make me, let's just call it a strength check.

Okay.

And I'll give you an advantage because you're using the shield to get leverage.

Okay, great.

Is

oh, needed that advantage.

That's a fun.

Wow.

And

12.

The crate is hammered down pretty securely, but you're able to get a corner lifted up and you're able to peel the top off.

And inside, you see a gagged and restrained colonel boy.

Oh, my goodness.

Gunther does that salute with the kick up.

That's amazing.

That's great.

I like to think that when Gunther does that kick, he's so flexible because he's like a frog creature that that his sticky foot like hits the side of his head and then stays.

So he's like saluting from two sides, one with his hand, the other side with his foot.

Yeah.

That's funny.

Oh,

oh, Colonel Boy, let me help you.

And I'm going to take his gag off him.

Yeah, you remove his gag and Colonel Boy, he seems very somehow like angry and relieved at the same time.

Help me out of here.

Oh, yes, sir.

Naddy turns to all the procession and goes, none of you heard him in this crate.

I'm really disappointed, y'all.

Oh, I will definitely be dealing with them.

Oh, I can guarantee that.

Is he in a bad mood?

He is.

He's cranky.

Oh, he's cranky.

I would be too if I was stuck in a box.

Probably not the same cheery Colonel Tove that we met before.

Colonel Tove.

Colonel Boy.

Colonel Boy.

Could Doug run over and try to help him out as well?

Oh, thank you.

I've been smelling tarts all day.

You know, I wouldn't say that's the worst thing you could have been smelling all day.

Yeah, but smelling tarts and then not being able to eat them that entire time.

I imagine that's got to be kind of torturous.

Smelling farts?

Tarts.

I said tart.

I got to give credit.

That was a micah joke.

He sent it to me.

I stole it right then.

What happened to the imposter?

Where's the magistrate?

What's the magistrate?

He's a devil with one eye.

He captured me and put me in this box.

Oh, so he is a judge-like dude.

Oh, you've seen him?

That was John.

Oh,

if you'll notice, John talks in a Californian deep voice.

Dude, he said it was a magistrate.

Yeah.

Yeah, so like that guy was dressed as you.

Very convincing.

Okay, so don't get mad because I think you would have been fooled.

You would have been like, what the heck is this?

Some kind of a mirror?

Anywho, he stole a big hammer.

and ran away undergrounds and started some fires, but we put out the fires.

You're welcome.

You stopped the fire from spreading?

Yeah, yeah.

That's good.

And where exactly did he go underground?

Hole.

It went to there.

The well-known battlefield caves.

I saw in-person blame pointed, so I'll assume that Toll pointed as well to the hole.

And, you know, Colonel Boy's eyes follow where you're pointing and looks.

Ah, that must be the old battleground.

Yeah, and he took

that hammer as well that we had in the barracks, which I hear was bad news, Billy.

Yeah.

Did he have any reinforcements, or was he just by himself?

I don't know.

He had some demongrels.

Oh, damn.

We killed them.

They're dead now.

You know?

At least three of them.

Yeah.

I see.

But, like, while you're here, you know, like, because he snuck past us and he might have reinforcements, can you, like, look at your dudes and make sure they're not his dudes, you know?

Because they were being really weird and kind of, you know, evasive to us, so maybe they'll listen to you.

Could I do something real quick before he answers?

Sure.

So as Doug is helping him up, I think Doug is going to just like gently tug on his hair

just to make sure it's real.

Oh my god.

Fully support this.

Is Doug trying to do it sneakily or like stealthily?

In a way where he's like helping him, but like because he's like all big and clumsy, like maybe he accidentally like pulls on his hair a little bit as he's like lifting him.

We'll call it a sleight of hand check because you're trying to like mask it as doing something else.

That's how I pick up my kids, too.

Check the hair.

18.

Oh,

you do it, and you give Colonel Boy's hair a bit of a tug stealthily, and it does not seem to move.

It seems to be firmly attached to his head.

And he kind of like yelps a little bit.

Ow.

Shoe, that's called the Doug Tug.

The Doug?

I assume you're Doug?

I'm Doug.

Yeah, that was a just, I was just trying to help Showy a little clumsy heel.

Uh, okay.

Doug Bug Tug.

Yeah, it's part of his culture, you know.

In light of the occurrences today, I will commend you all for stopping the spread of the fire, for defeating the day mongrels, and for discovering the escape route of the magistrate.

Now, I don't think we have time for a full passing-out parade, but I will say that you have proven yourselves worthy of the rank of private.

Is there any chance that the sentence justice has been served?

Does that ring a bell of why that magistrate would have said it?

He loves his catchphrase.

What's a colonel boy?

What is your catchphrase?

Oh, my catchphrase?

Well, it's

Micah slacked the same thing at the exact same moment you said it.

Yeah, boy.

I hereby promote the four of you in brutality to the rank of private.

Congratulations.

Oh, wow.

Guys, we did it.

Who pug.

Private wonder sounds good.

I don't think anyone, any other team, has maybe gone about getting their

private in this kind of capacity, but good job, team.

I'll take it.

All right.

Roll for high five.

We'll call it a performance check.

Okay.

Oh, no.

17 from Natty.

Also, 17.

I rolled a Nat one.

14.

That tracks.

I think you all planned your high five too high, and Gunther's not able to get up there.

So Gunther kind of tries to do the high five, but for you guys, it's a high five.

For him, it's a high high five.

Slaps Toll.

Toll is not able to get all the way up there.

And as he slaps Toll in the crotch, Private Lasic walks up, salutes Colonel Boy, and says, Allow me to introduce myself, sir.

I'm Private Lasic.

If you'd like some actual, skilled, real privates to take care of this, we'd be happy to jump into the caverns and pursue the magistrate for you, sir.

Wow.

Natty turns to Lassi and goes, Honey, you got a little something on your nose.

You got a little something right there on your nose.

Get him, Natty.

Lassic just kind of doesn't turn his head and just turns his eyes to look at you, but keeps tries to keep his eyes focused on Colonel Boy.

Natty

wets her like thumb and goes, I'll get it for you.

I'll get it for you, okay?

Natty, I don't see anything on his nose either.

I'll explain it to you later, Doug.

Hey, Private Lassic, where were you when the camp was being attacked?

You were like not here.

Were you like doing something else in the mess home, perhaps?

A-team was providing medical aid to the victims of the fire and the attack.

Blah, blah, blah, whatever, dude.

Securing the perimeter of Fort Enridge to prevent any further incursions by the enemy.

Colonel Boy sees that y'all are, you know, kind of going back and forth with each other.

And he thinks for a moment and says, Well, there's strength in numbers.

Maybe both squads.

A team and B team should be up to the task of pursuing the magistrate and returning the claw hammer.

Yes, sir.

Oh, no.

We gotta take these guys with us.

I mean, I think that's a good idea.

Don't you guys?

This is John.

This is John saying, oh, no, we have to take these guys with us.

Natty would just be like,

or the merrier.

Or the merrier.

Yeah, like, anyone have any, like, you know, like, healing potions or anything, you know, short rest, you know, magic food.

I don't know.

Private Elastic says, take all the time you want, Tolf.

A-team will go out and scout ahead and clear the area for you.

And he runs back to the rest of A-team and they begin gathering their equipment together and proceeding down into the cavern.

I sprint to the hole.

I sprint.

I beat them to the hole.

We're going to find A-team as like a bunch of corpses, aren't we?

Do you have anything for Burns?

I've been burned.

Oh, oh, he's being free.

I thought he was like setting up a mail, like a big, like this or something.

I thought so too.

I was waiting for the ultimate insult.

No, our poor frogman, he is actually burned.

And there he hurt.

So no one has anything for Gunther?

I'm asking for like the whole army camp, right?

I mean, there's all a bunch of people around and there's a bunch of supplies.

Seeing you guys discuss it, Colonel Boy watches and inquires.

Which one of you is assigned medic in your squad?

Probably, I guess it would be me, maybe.

My little quasit raises his hand.

Well, Doug, maybe you should take care of your frog friend here and make sure he gets the medical care he needs.

Could I cast cure wounds on Gunther?

Sure.

oh we do have a healer i didn't know you actually had healing how much uh you get 10 points of healing can i also get like heals i can go to someplace else in the camp i don't want to like burn through all of your spell slots or whatever the little quasit hears that and he goes over and he just like picks up dirt and starts just packing against your body oh thank you quasit

by the way natty what is this little fella's name oh this is my son Oh, a baby boy?

Ooh.

His whole name is a mouthful.

It's actually Mr.

Gigglesworth, the harbinger of the great end, immortal keeper of souls, blood harvester of darkness, and generally just a good boy.

Is there something perhaps for short we could call him?

I just call him Giggy.

Oh, Giggy, Giggy, come here, give your uncle Toll the hug.

Oh, no.

I have to roll a dice now.

Oh, no.

Why?

He's going to hurt you.

Yeah, he attacks Tolv.

Oh, no.

I really need heals.

How much damage do I take?

He rolls a 19 on a claw attack.

I have armor class of 19, but I guess that meets.

So you still get the attack.

Yeah, and he does five points of piercing day.

All right, so now we know.

Consent, you know.

Talve, that means he likes you.

Oh, great.

So happy.

Do we have time for a little bit of a short rest or something?

Giggy looks tired.

But we're in pursuit.

We're in pursuit, right?

Well, they're going to go scout ahead.

So, yeah.

Oh, we're letting them do that?

Oh, yeah.

A-Team's already in the cavern.

So, if you guys want to take a short rest, that's up to you.

I think, I mean, let's take advantage of this.

You know, 18-team wants to really push something, so you know, let's let them scout ahead for us.

Yeah, sure.

Short rest.

Yeah.

Where do y'all want to do that?

Do you want to go do that in the barracks out here by the hole?

I'll say in the barracks.

We do have beds in there.

It just got infiltrated, yeah.

Yeah, you walk back into the barracks and the hammer that was hanging above the door is gone.

But yeah, you can go in there and unwind.

Is anything else missing?

Make an investigation check.

17.

You look around and it doesn't seem like anything else is missing.

Okay.

Well,

time to,

I guess, call it a day.

We're taking a long rest.

I mean...

Take a little nap.

I don't know.

I only need a little one.

Yeah.

What do we have time for?

However much time we want to take.

It's up to us.

Oh, yeah, I thought you all were taking a short rest.

I mean, you tell me.

I thought a short rest.

Take a short rest.

Do a short rest.

All right, yeah.

All of you can take a short rest.

I don't need it.

I don't take it.

I guess, like, spell slots aren't.

It's less long rest, right?

Depends on your class, but yes.

Or if we find magic food.

As you all are taking your rest, Drill Sergeant Steele Eye burst into the barracks.

Why are you guys sleeping on the job?

Oh, no.

A team's already ahead of you.

You've been given a mission by Colonel Boy.

Go!

How do we snooze this for a long clock?

You accidentally hit him on the bottom.

Did he do this before or after our teammates get the effects of a short rest?

After, after the effects of a short rest.

Uh, sorry, uh, Cornell, we were just uh really making sure we were mentally and physically prepared.

Go!

Yeah!

Because, you know, sleep is the most important

part of your health.

We were debriefing about the, you know, last engagement with the menome encounter.

Amenemy.

Yeah, that's exactly

said it exactly like that.

All right, let's go.

All right, let's get

up and go.

Natty reaches over and attaches the little leash that she keeps on the harness of Giggy

and takes him out of the barracks.

Do you need to ever walk, Giggy?

That's what we're doing right now.

He's getting his energy out.

He's getting his steps in.

Yeah.

Okay, yeah, you all walk out with the leashed Giggy and walk over to the hole that Natty lasted into the ground.

What order do y'all want to hop down there in?

I'll take lead.

Oh, I was going to say I'm the barbarian.

I can do that if you want.

But yeah, go ahead.

It seems like Gigi's probably going to get their scent or something.

All right, who's after Natty?

I'll go next.

Gunther?

All right.

I'll be last.

I'll go third.

I just don't want anybody, like, if I get stuck, I don't want anyone getting stuck behind me.

Because of your size.

Yeah.

I gotcha.

You all hop down, and it's, you know, Gunther, it's just like you saw before, where it's like kind of a small chasm here that then widens out into what appears to be a large room at the other end.

As you get closer, stifling steam wafts from a vent in the floor of this cavernous chamber.

But what stands out the most to you is the sound of water dripping down the metal bars of six iron cells.

Oh, like prison cells?

Maybe we can answer that question in the next video

of Tales from the Stinky Dragon.

I don't like that.

I don't like that cliffhanger.

We should more be like, will the steam affect Naddy Wonder's hair?

Find out next week.

Will the steam affect Nadi Wonder's hair?

Find out next week.

I can't wait to tune in.

Very spooky.

Is Gigi gonna catch the scent?

One of 18 yeah yeah same time when do we find their bodies find out on the next episode of tales from the stinky dragon

goodbye so long yeah well

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We can't thank you enough for your support that lets us make this show.

Listeners that interact with us on the Stinky Dragon Discord had NPCs named after them in this episode, like Private Classic Lastic, named after Dirk, voiced by Carrie Shawcross, at Carrie Shaw Cross on socials and Twitch.

Colonel Jonathan Boye, named after Jonathan Boye, voiced by Armando Torres, at Mondo DoesStuff.

Priestess Chess, named after Transient Day, voiced by Katie Ward, at Katie Ward.

The Magistrate, named after David Katzer, voiced by Bruce Green, at Bruce Green on socials and Twitch.

This week's arrow question was submitted by King of Cows.

This episode of Tales from the Stinky Dragon was produced by Ben Ernst, written, edited, and composed by Michael Reisinger, with additional editing work by Catherine Arnold.

Tune in next time for another thrilling episode of Tales from the Stinky Dragon.

Hey guys, just Doug here on the ones and twos.

Just taking a little break here with Gus Davo and the wings.

Does Doug want to be a podcaster?

He does, yeah.

I like to think he has like a morning show that he pretends to do as well.

Good mornings with Doug.

Good morning from Doug.

We're here out in the field.

Just finished battling some pretty spooky guys.

Gus really had Blaine, you know, run for his money with those luckies.

Got real close.

Yeah, got really hairy.

Yeah.

So

at this point, sorry, scrolling.

I'm trying to get everything done so I don't have to like get halfway through this and then start take a pause and start talking again.

Let me know if you need any help with the math, Gustavo.

Thank you.

That is

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