The Adam Friedland Show Podcast - Ari Shaffir - Episode 90

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Hello and welcome to the Adam Free Lunch Show podcast special guest of this week, Ari Shafir.

And Mullen.

And Mullen?

Yeah.

Oh yeah.

Do we, we want to, we want to address

this is my final episode.

This is Nick's final episode.

This is

what is going on with this podcast.

Well, I mean, we've been trying to...

Last time I was here, you weren't here.

We've been trying to stop podcasting for about 47 years now.

Yeah.

No.

I'm doing it.

I'm just going to.

You're stopping.

I'm hitting the road.

Yeah.

And by that, I mean going home.

Like in a Jack Kerouac way.

Yeah.

You're just done with it?

But he hits the road.

Yeah.

Wait, wait, wait.

There's road hitting the road.

It's called hitting the road.

The truth is this, is that the talk show we are going to be in the next two months converting it to a new model where it's going to be a once-a-week show.

So the original objective for like, instead of once every six months or when someone's not in london someone else is

not angry yeah yeah exactly what no using lunch was that an expression was i in london yeah i think last time i was here no no i was uh

where no i was seeing my father no i was taking my father to the hospital i remember i saw you at the sand you're like how was london i was like i was taking my father to the hospital

my dad had diarrhea

i had to take my dad to a specialist in scottsdale it didn't go well it's pretty severe explosive diarrhea

which is actually it's a psychological diagnosis.

That's true.

A lot of people don't know that it's a mental, it's like asthma.

They're making it up.

The body's just like, yeah.

The doctor said it's psychosocial.

Does that sound believable?

Did you spray shit?

They'll walk in the Best Buy, and it'll be like a Galaxy note tablet, 50% off, and just clean up on aisle three.

It really escalated after October 7th.

Well, it's deal-related mostly.

Actually, speaking of my dad, Deal, New Jersey?

He has a bone to pick.

Deal, New Jersey.

What is that?

It's where all the rich Syrian Jews live.

Oh, I thought it was like a show.

It's a real thing?

D.A.

I thought it was a show.

Like a reality show.

Can you believe this?

Let's make a deal.

They're just at Walmart.

I waited 20 minutes for my soup to come in.

I just got

45 AA batteries for $11.

Hosted by Guy Fiori.

I was visiting my dad and Van Dyn.

Damn, that's a fucking, that's a rock star deal you got.

God.

And Click hut for a second.

When do we eat shit?

When are we eating shit?

Hold on a second, guys.

He doesn't know what the show is.

Why am I here?

Where's the food?

Yeah, when I was visiting my dad in Vegas once, there was like a geriatric at the supermarket just holding up the line for like 20 minutes because he had an expired coupon.

I always want to see a really old guy who's also fat.

And I'm like, check out Ben and Geriatric.

That's pretty good.

You've been waiting for years.

You're like, I can't wait any longer because I haven't seen it.

You don't wanna be 67.

Yeah, rest in peace, Burt Kreischer.

Is this coming out in one year?

Yeah, yeah.

You die.

He died.

Oh, yeah.

It's coming out.

Yeah, perhaps never.

Well, I wonder, do you think Bert will die soon?

Yeah.

Okay.

I don't know.

Hopefully.

Body type doesn't see 60.

Is it going to be like Reagan's funeral where they drive him through Washington?

Yeah, it'll be two comics just like a Navy band.

They drive around

TJI Fridays around the valley.

It'll be like the inauguration, but sad.

Yeah.

All the same people will be there.

Millions of people lining up to see his body.

Yeah, open.

Those pictures of the inauguration are crazy.

It's like, yeah, we got everybody here.

We got fucking Joe Rogan and Jake Paul.

Jake Paul and Joe Rogan.

What a combo.

Theo.

Why is Theo at the inauguration?

Theo broke.

Yeah,

he didn't know what president was six months ago.

Because he told Trump about City.

He's like, is that like the chairman of the board?

Why are all these people there?

It shouldn't just be dignitaries.

It's unified.

It should be an African guy dressed like Lieutenant Worf.

I was a dignitary in

my brother's wedding, I married him off to a squirrel.

It should be a black guy wearing that.

Yeah, yeah.

Lieutenant Worf.

Lieutenant Worf.

Congratulations, Mr.

President.

Thank you, Worf.

Thank you, Worf.

I'll never forget that you believed in me.

They said, no, Klingon could be black.

He's black.

Well, they have a black one.

They make him in black.

What was I going to say?

Oh, yeah.

We had the line was being held up by this geriatric, and he had an expired coupon.

And he said, this document represents a promise from your firm to the consumer.

And like he would not leave the line.

It represents a promise that if you get here before December 27th,

we will give you this.

Wait, who said that?

That was on the show.

So true, yeah, they always go straight to like legalese to try to fix their social problems.

I have been in court plenty of times as a defendant for sexual assault.

I have a brother that's a lawyer.

I have a brother-in-law that's a lawyer.

It's the family business.

And it's because they wouldn't honor a coupon.

Where was this?

This was at

the supermarket by the way.

You had a dollar ten.

So you've got it down to a dollar.

It's funny because that's not paying it.

It was a a family neighborhood, but now all the parents are still there.

So now it's an old person neighborhood.

It's a weird thing to see.

Yeah, it's like most of Brooklyn.

Yeah, I suppose.

Just to be cool, and then it's fucking guys with tattoos pushing strollers like homosexuals.

But those are young parents.

He's saying it's like a family neighborhood where the kids go off, and then they're all living, then the kids are in Brooklyn with the strollers.

Yeah, yeah, the kids are all

exploring assholes in general.

They're complaining about coupons.

It's really crazy.

It's your dad's problem with me.

Oh, yeah.

He's got beef, dude.

He saw you on it.

Well, he calls me anytime he hears a comedian with a Jewish name.

So he's like, do you know Ari Shafir?

That's so cool.

I got the Ari Shafir phone call.

He heard you on a podcast.

That's great that he listens to podcasts, able to use the computer and stuff.

No, well, it's TV.

How old is he?

73.

That's great that he's able to figure it out.

Well, it seems like you're a little bit like you're saying it in a gracious way, but

I can see behind your eyes.

You're like, I'm so positive.

I'm so happy.

You're like another troll coming up.

I'm so happy for your dad to be able to.

He's like, there's a comedian, Ari Shafir.

Do you know him?

And I was like, yeah, I know Ari.

He's a good guy.

And my dad goes, he's like, yes, I saw him on a podcast.

It was like a, it's like an academic podcast kind of thing.

Oh, really?

I forget the name.

We can call him and squash this whole beef right now.

Let's squash it.

Or let's start it up a little more.

What academic podcast could you have been on?

There's got to be two.

Geometrics or something, or

trigonometry.

Trigonometry.

It's not a math podcast.

What is it?

It sounds like math.

I don't listen to when it was.

It was Son Lewis's podcast where he misspelled the M-word.

You stopping this podcast.

Yeah.

I'm going on trigonometry.

All this creativity could go towards some of the best scripts in history.

I'm the third host on trigonometry.

I love that.

He started a second real-ass podcast.

He just changed his podcast or

something.

No, there's still real-ass podcasts.

There's still real ass, but then there's also Zach

Doggy.

Doggy.

Are you sure?

I think it's just Zach gained too much weight for it to be real ass anymore.

It's not real ass.

Huge ass.

I mean, I like.

I like Zach's new phase where he's just dressing like an optical illusion.

Are too mean to it.

Like, he's at the point now where it's like, I don't feel comfortable even making fun of him.

He's a man with a code.

You'll say that.

I guess.

But when I go into that studio and

there's a waiting couch.

Yeah.

He's in there.

And it's a chair.

And to him, it's a stool.

He's all the way.

He's like, hey, good to see you.

It's like, where is your, like, your ass?

His ass begins off

the seat, and it goes all the way to the back.

It's so big.

I like how people are like, we should talk to him.

He knows.

Talking to Zach is like talking to someone who's working on the Fukushima plant behind that door.

Like, you okay?

They're like, no.

Yeah, right.

I'm just riding this out.

My shit is glowing green.

You're like that.

You ever watch that show Chernobyl?

Nuh.

It's good.

Yeah.

Yeah.

Yeah.

There's a scene where they have to get these miners, these like Russian strip miners, to go in and burrow under the

plant.

And they either shut the water off or they do something.

But they tell them, they're like, look, if you go in here, you're going to die.

You're going to get radiation sickness.

And so the miners are like,

they make the head one is Scottish.

Everyone has a British accent.

But he's like, fuck it, I'll do it.

I'll do it.

You can't stop me from doing it.

I'm a binder.

And then I I can't remember why, but they have to do it completely naked.

So they go in and they get the fucking, they shut the water off, and there's this scene of them walking out of the mines, like, you know, in the right stuff when they're like heading towards, like, they're done with the training.

And they're completely new.

Like, this guy, yeah, and he's got like a chode, and like you can see his penis, and he's just like walking up.

He's like, we did it.

And it's, it's on it.

It's awesome.

You're like, fuck yeah, dude.

Why would you have to get naked?

I think it's like because it was so hot down there.

I think it's something like that.

I've been in the summertime.

Yeah.

I wear less clothes, but

so what's his issue?

He said, You don't say that about Kobe.

Right.

He has a family.

Of all the, I thought it was going to be a pro.

Oh, no, it's old, reliable.

It's old reliable.

It's old faithful.

Yeah.

Once again.

Well, tell your dad he's not coming back.

The one that doesn't quit.

He's going to enjoy living with no Kobe for the rest of his life.

And listen, if you get shot for that,

that'll be like the Black Worlds version of the United Health.

What's the worst threat you received for that?

And I'll say this as like Kobe.

He was a very incredibly special person.

Calling Rick.

Come on, dude.

Are you?

His body's barely cold.

His body is super cold and breaking down already.

Okay, alright.

I watched an air disasters episode on on the helicopter crash.

Really?

What did they say?

Why did he crash?

I think the pilot was like, he got into a situation where there was no visibility and he couldn't really gauge what was going on.

Yeah, he said he was take off and Kobe made them take off.

No, no, that's not what happened.

It's like

you're making fun of the daughter.

No, Kobe killed his daughter by taking off.

And the pilot was like, do not.

We cannot do that.

The pilot just didn't want to let Kobe down, I think, is what it was.

So he flew when he shouldn't be.

He's such a good guy.

Yeah.

Wait, yeah.

I'm sure the story said it that way.

What's the worst threat you received for in his former helicopter pilot?

They interview him on the air disaster show.

And he's clearly deaf or something.

He's like, go be with a man.

There is no way that he would ever put Regina on the mine and LMI of hearing no reason or right.

It's like, don't interview this guy.

Let him write it down.

Put a statement on the screen.

Just don't get a picture.

Somebody has read by.

Get a voiceover.

Yeah.

He's like, Come, never told me to hurry up.

And then we just like smash cut to him, and he's sitting there.

Kobe's like, hurry the fuck up.

And this guy's like, what, dad?

What was that?

You got to fly faster.

Thanks, man.

Thanks, Kobe.

People took pictures of guns.

What?

Did they send things to your house?

Also, important to know.

They told me they're going to break up this podcast.

Important to know.

They succeeded.

The Kobe helicopter pilot, neither of them were trans-Navy SEALs.

Oh.

I was under the impression.

Both were.

Because I've never seen that.

You think LA helicopter, you think that guy?

Well, because I really, I can only think of three helicopter pilots.

It's the trans-Navy SEAL guy, And now the two I know about from Kobe.

But in my mind, I didn't realize until watching Air Disasters, I thought every helicopter pilot was a trans Navy SEAL.

Yeah.

Because I can't.

That's the only one I've ever seen.

Who knew?

Yeah.

Did you see that?

That trans.

It's like if

I see somebody with a beanie that has cat ears on it,

I'm like, oh, that's a trans person.

Yeah.

Because so far it's 100% hit rate.

And the same was true for helicopter pilots until I saw the air disasters.

I like the post-binary.

That's a new one.

Yeah.

Where it's just like, we're just doing everything.

It's clown core, full clown core.

It's like comedians are supposed to move on from

gender?

But it's like full clown core.

They're supposed to not talk about it anymore.

Yeah.

It's not trans, just the past gender at all.

They do clown core with the freckles dots.

Is that a gender?

Clown nose?

No, it's not.

It's another joke.

It just sounds like a nerd.

No, they're cool.

They're cool.

They're cool.

Yeah.

Yeah, they wouldn't quit on a podcast.

I feel like I.

What are you saying?

What's that?

You're saying I'm worse than a trans person?

First of all, that's insulting to both of us.

To both of us.

Yeah, both of you.

You said trans people are barely above you, the scum of the earth.

Who else is on your shit list, Ari?

You're going to get us in Seth Simon.

I'm saying it?

Yeah.

I thought he said it.

You're going to get us in Seth Simons' latest newsletter.

I thought it's Simmons.

Which is dutifully.

Bill Simmons.

Bill Simmons.

Sent to my son's email.

I read every one of his newsletters.

Bill Simmons.

No, no, no, no.

Seth.

Seth.

Somebody signed me up for it, and I get all of them.

What's he on about these days?

They're pretty good.

I don't know.

I mean, it's like

his form is good.

Everyone he's gone after and continues to go after is now worth like hundreds of millions of dollars.

So it's like, I really can't find it to be like, how could he say that about Shane?

It's a cosine.

I was using one of his reviews of me in my bio because a quote was like, if if you wanted to see someone pull their pants down

for a braying audience, go see Ari.

I'm like, oh, yeah, great.

What'd you get?

What braying mean?

Like cheering in a donkey-like fashion.

So he says that you're crushing, effectively.

Yeah, yeah.

With your pants.

Yeah, which is a very big staple.

That's a great.

Yeah, absolutely.

That's a great review.

No,

he'll

quote podcasts and stuff and even transcribe it.

It just makes it funnier.

Yeah.

It's so so funny.

I'll put you up.

When you see the transcript, and I'm sitting there laughing.

You know, I'm like, yeah.

That was a good joke.

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Hey, tell your father to say to my face if he's not such a coward.

Come on, dude.

Why go through his son?

He's a good man.

Because he has psychological diarrhea, man.

Oh, yeah.

That's right.

He's going to go destroy the best.

He's got psychodiarrhea.

He's got psycho-runs.

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Yeah, right.

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I've been dreaming of that my entire life.

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Yeah.

That's Harry Potter, right?

Where they have a jelly bean that's every flavor.

There's like a crack.

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What's your favorite loosey flavor, Nick?

Apple martini.

James Bond.

Yeah, Yeah, the James Bond.

Which I just watched.

I re-watched the first 15 minutes of Goldeneye the other day.

Oh, that's a great.

With the plane?

Well, I wanted to just see the guy jump off the dam.

Yeah, it's cool.

I was like, that's awesome.

I was sitting, I was walking, I was like, what if I could do something like that?

And I was like, what am I thinking of?

I'm like, that guy jumping off the damsel.

And I put it on.

And I watched it.

You were thinking of killing yourself, and it reminded you of bungee jumping.

Off a dam.

I was like, I wanted to feel that.

I just wanted to feel something.

Well, that sense of freedom, I guess.

Bungee jumping off a dam, swan diving off a dam.

And I'm like, what am I?

Oh, right.

The beginning of Goldeneye.

And then I watched up until the,

you know, when they blow up the fucking.

Damn.

No, the

Severnaya missile.

The silo.

No, not the silo, where they blow up the fucking satellite.

Is that where he dies?

Where he comes back to do something to free the kid or whatever, and then he's got to stop the launch.

No, you're thinking of fucking kindergarten cop.

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Golden Eyes, James Bond.

Which James Bond did he go back?

The one that's in the closet, real good-looking guy, but that he goes back to like, oh, he's gonna like blow it up.

And then the missile comes at him.

Which one is in the closet?

Sean Connery?

No, no, no.

More recent one.

Daniel Craig.

Daniel Craig, yeah.

He's a gay guy?

Yeah.

How do you know?

Because I've met gays before.

Really?

Yeah.

He asks gay about that?

He's gay.

He's just a gay.

But anyway, I know what you're saying.

I think what he's throwing, he was dressed by a gay for those movies.

Yeah, I heard a lot of gay guys dress other men.

Every magazine has ever been in our interview.

It's a homosexual man.

It's like they have them now.

They're everywhere.

Really?

Yeah, in one of those places.

Up until Daniel Craig, the suits were all just off the rack.

Yeah.

He was a Joss A.

Bank.

Yeah.

They were Will Smith.

But he died in one.

He died.

Yeah, at the end.

He was Tom Fox.

At the end of the last one.

Yeah, what was it?

Casino Royale.

Ain't got no damn time for that.

Yeah,

ain't no goddamn time to get that.

Ain't got no time for that.

Ain't got no motherfucking time for that.

Tyler Perry should do a 007.

Yeah.

That would be sick.

Setting Atlanta.

The diary of ain't got no motherfucking time, lady.

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No, no, no, no.

I don't do, I try to stay away from tricking children.

I think that that's not something that we should be doing.

You ever get too many of those and give it to homeless people?

No.

I do it with the

tricking.

Giving.

Giving.

Yeah.

Okay.

Hey, we got all these Zen pouches.

No, I give homeless people matches and directions to James Woods' house.

It's like, I don't have any money.

I have this box of matches, and this is where James Woods lives.

It's amazing they can start up that fire.

I've been camping, and it's difficult with some starter logs.

It's so funny to imagine that it's like, yeah, it was homeless people.

That big-ass fire was a bunch of homeless people with flamethrowers going around sneaking around.

Flamethrower was too.

Where do you get a flamethrower?

How do you throw that together?

What do they mean, homeless people?

So, like in their fucking barrels that they warm up with, yeah, I think they meant like the guys that warm their hands

donkey conger down the road.

They warm their hands, they're wearing a barrel, you know, but then that's not arson.

That's like

they needed a fire to be warm.

Yeah,

wait, what was that thing about going over the

Niagara Falls in a barrel?

Yeah, that was the the thing.

What was that all about?

Did you bring that?

I brought it up recently.

It was the first

scam.

I was thinking about it, but I remember reading about it as a kid.

As a kid,

it was so scary to me.

And I remember being a kid being a little bit more.

I don't want to do that.

I don't want to be an adult.

I don't want to think about things that I thought I had to do.

Yeah.

But, yeah.

Yeah, you go over Niagara Falls in a barrel.

Everyone tried to do it.

Almost everybody died.

Yeah.

Oh, it was like a popular thing to do.

It's not that coming.

I've seen that video of the guy jumping off the Eiffel Tower in his parachute suit.

Oh, like a little suit?

He's from like 1880, and he's got like a, and he's like showing the flaps, and then you see him, and it's like,

you know, and he's like waving to everybody, and then he hesitates for a second, he jumps off, and he's just immediately like,

yeah, right.

And then dust comes up.

Yeah, never tried it over.

And everyone just sort of leaves.

And it's like,

and it's funny because I've seen that video, and you think it's like, you know, it's crazy that we have all these things, and like people had to die for us to get, like,

to just get a microphone.

There's probably 30 guys that's like, and let's try this.

You know, like it killed them.

Yeah.

Right.

And so you're saying like, man, this guy like came up with this idea.

Like that wasn't it.

Obviously, it's a thing that expands.

But like to be like, this could work.

And he tries it and he dies.

And then they're like, okay, let's keep refining this process.

But the truth is actually that they had already invented parachutes.

That they existed, they figured out, they deploy, and that's how they work.

And this guy was like, yeah, but what if it was like a cool coat?

So, what if it was clothes?

It was an idiot.

It was just like, it wasn't an inventor.

It's actually getting the rights to get up to the Eiffel Tower.

I'd be like, hey, guys, I'm going to test something.

If you did that now, they'd be like, get down.

Well, it's funny because it's like, it's almost in a way like that the

complexities of patent law and how difficult it is to patent something and these days be an adventure is probably saving a lot of lives.

Because if you just had to call up the patent office and be like, well, here's my nickel and my quarter, and

I invented the bumblebee suit for a man, you know.

It doesn't have to work.

Well, and then they try out their bumblebee suit, and it kills everyone.

Yeah.

You still got a patent on it, regardless if it works or not.

Well, there's a guy that's like, well, I had an idea.

What if I could fly?

And I had a needle that came out of my ass.

Great, it's yours.

Yeah.

And they're like, okay.

And he goes to a lawyer and they're like, well, it's going to be $70,000.

And then he's like, well, I have no money.

how about that they're like maybe you should try janitor instead of inventor and it's it's like protecting people in a way i i'm hoping that like elon with the deregulation just like that they're gonna be just some of what slapstick yeah slapstick just i got two my friend working complete act accidents i got two good ones really one was the guy who did the segue everyone else just showed the blueprints he's like no no i'm bringing it in yeah and made everybody ride it at the patent office they're like that's just show that it doesn't infringe on any of the patents yeah the best one And he rolled himself up.

He killed himself.

Yeah, yeah.

Famous.

Same thing.

He probably thought he's like, no, it's a flying.

Yeah.

And everyone's like, well, it's

ride around on.

And he's like, no, it'll fly.

I made a new parachute.

You know who I don't, everybody shits on that the guy who's like

doing like

daily penis surgeries to and like drinking his son's cum to stay young.

Wow.

A billionaire.

Brian Johnson.

Yeah, that guy.

Yeah.

And it's weird because it's like.

He looks like an Asian woman.

He looks weird.

He looks fucking weird.

I don't know if it's working or not.

It probably isn't, but like,

he's just doing

what, like,

what's going on here?

What's happening?

Nothing.

It seems like more than nothing.

It seems like this is why you're leaving the podcast.

This kind of unprofessionalism.

He just said Pete and ran off.

That's not why I'm leaving the podcast.

Let's not stir.

Let's not stir.

I had something except in my broad though.

Oh, and so you called for Pete before taking care of it yourself?

Well, I said,

Pete!

Pete!

Pete!

My throaty hoots!

Here is the best inventions.

Okay.

The number one.

That is the only one.

I shouldn't have pluralized it.

A method of inducing birth through use of centrifugal force.

That's awesome.

Yeah.

Like I said, you hold your wife's hands and just spin around.

Okay.

So it's connected.

One of those stirrup things.

The middle is where the head is.

It spins so the head stays in place.

Everything else spins.

There's a net at the end of your legs.

So you just spin, spin, spin until the baby just goes shhhh boom.

Yeah, but what about the

umbilical cord?

It doesn't go that far.

It's right there.

Yeah.

Listen, it's not

whether it works or not.

Are you eventually dragging the baby along the net?

Yeah, so the baby's in the net.

So you probably have to have someone under it too because when you slow down, it would then fall.

I wonder if they've used it one time.

That is hilarious.

That is so funny.

It's a solid one.

That is a circus-ass way to be born.

There's the Ring Ling Brothers.

You could also do it in like a fast elevator of the Tower of Terror.

Yeah.

Tower of Terror.

Just

make a bitch sit upside down.

Welcome to the Twilight Zone.

Oh, my God.

I'm so sorry, everybody.

I'm so sorry.

I had my baby.

I'm sorry.

No, continue with the ride.

I'm saying, yeah, I messed up the tower tear.

I know y'all waited in line for probably seven hours.

Yeah, a new feature at Disney.

You got a new special out?

Yeah.

I wanted to mention in the, you know, before the plug section.

Well, before you can no longer do plugs.

What are you going to do with your time?

Yeah, it's called America Sweetheart.

It's on Netflix.

I've been leaving alone for a second, dude.

What do you mean?

I have been leaving alone for a second.

I want to get back to it.

Yeah.

What are you going to do?

I'm leaving with my time.

Well, I went to the doctor the other day.

I got to go to the doctor again.

Stress level?

I don't know.

We'll figure it out.

But, yeah, I don't know.

Sort of take care of myself for a little bit and then

make some other player.

I'll probably just end up podcasting again.

Yeah,

we'll see.

But not here.

Something

different thing.

Yeah, yeah.

If they get back into podcasting, I want to have one of those themed podcasts that are now out of vogue.

That's what I got.

Travel podcasts.

But 10 years ago, that was, you had to have a theme.

Yeah, the socialist women of wrestling or something.

Yeah.

Well, I think

it might just be doing small household repairs.

I had to fix the motor in my automatic litter box the other day, and I'm like, I could just, I'm good at this.

So you're going to do it in a podcast form, not like a video form?

No, yeah, it'll be a podcast.

It's like you're an audio-only podcast.

I feel like you're free to genre.

You have to listen to him quietly.

Yeah, if you got it.

If you got an automatic litter.

If you got an automatic litter box.

How does this go?

You have to listen to all 800 episodes in the off chance that I covered how to fix the

screen on your Mr.

Coffee.

And then you take this thing

and try to

go this way with that.

Yeah.

What?

What then?

Fuck.

Yeah, this part.

That's supposed to be.

You know, the part that looks like it.

He just fucks up and he whispers the N-word under his breath.

I don't do that.

I don't get pissed off doing stuff like that.

I'm like, like, damn, what a process.

Opening up.

You feel Zen.

He's got all these little gears in there.

Springs.

I've pulled all the gears off.

I got a little toothbrush and I cleaned them all up.

He's retiring.

Next moving to fucking Florida to die.

I don't need to move to Florida.

You're going to die here.

In bedside.

Yeah.

Yeah.

Well, so you're special, American sweetheart.

Yeah.

Yeah.

It's about too sad for me to talk about.

Ignore your dad.

What?

Why are you still mad at my dad?

I'm not.

He's not even your dad.

I'm saying he's daddy.

I have every right to be mad at him, and we're cool now.

I love that you guys connect.

I love that you can overlook his stupidity and his butthurtedness and still see him as a human.

Yeah, I think the theme of this.

He said some terrible things about you on Reddit.

I'm not repeating them.

Your dad's on Reddit.

He's on the Protect Our Parks Reddit.

He's on the R/slash chronic diary Reddit.

He's like, day 712.

And then he just taps him.

Palestine was never a real country.

The subway was a bad idea.

You saw the fighter in the kid Reddit.

He's like talking in that language.

And then he's back over on the dying of diarrhea, Reddit, being like, I love this community.

This community has changed my life.

Brendan is a fucking idiot.

People get tired of saying the same shit over and over again.

No, no.

I mean, they're just podcasting.

You ever get tired of it?

It's like the narcissist's reflection in the middle.

I meant Reddit.

The Reddit people.

No, I know Reddit.

The entire internet.

They're reacting to us saying the same things over and over.

Can you imagine it?

Like, we're online because we make money from it.

But

there are millions of people who, for zero dollars, just yell at the President of the United States all the time.

I think he's reading it.

For no money.

Just claw.

Family guy episode where Brian gets into that in 2018.

He's like a Trump reply guy.

And he's like, geo, hashtag G-O-P-U.

Just getting like zero reviews.

Just into a void.

Yeah,

for no one.

Screaming at a void.

Just

mad at the president of the United States.

Go take a walk outside.

It's crazy.

It's so fun to see somebody riled up and you're like, oh, I don't care.

I'm doing this thing.

Like, how could you not know about the Columbia statistician to women?

Like, I don't know.

I don't know.

I'm sorry that will.

There was like a guy in a college at Columbia.

Somebody came in all steamy, was talking to to Michelle Wolfe.

Somebody comes in all steamy, like, did you hear about this guy at Columbia?

And he went back to work.

Like, I'm just trying to catch up with my friends.

The Netflix documentary about it called Not Just a Number.

At Columbia.

Oh, man.

Yeah, I mean, I would rather get yelled at, I guess, by a person in real life.

And I guess it never happens.

I've never gotten I mean, I I'm yelled at by strangers, but not because

because of I look like just

not because the podcast is late, you know.

Just because I'm like a bitch-ass white boy.

I mean,

I can't do anything about it.

You have beautiful eyes.

Thank you.

So do you.

Thanks.

Actually, I think it's just he cleaned his glasses finally.

No, you're a fucking mess right now.

Look at that.

Actually, I got the.

I think they didn't take the fucking

film off the news.

There's no holographic.

There's no film.

There's like a holographic.

you're thinking of you're thinking of a new Chinese branded iPad.

Not glasses.

I'll look into it.

I'll look into it.

It's usually attached to a sticker that's just a holographic thing.

Is it Luli filter?

Is that what the Luli filter is?

It's like a polarized...

It's embarrassing.

Then don't order that next time.

Why is it embarrassing?

Because people see it and they're like, why do you have the logo for your glasses?

I got disappointed.

I chewed off a part of my other glasses and I went to the store and I was like, oh, yeah, this fell off.

It's under warranty.

We don't make those glasses anymore.

Really?

And I was like, so I can't ever get these replaced?

Yeah.

Yeah.

And they're like, no, we only have stupid-looking glasses now.

And I was like, but I need smart-looking glasses.

Yeah.

Okay.

All right.

Cool.

Out of time.

Guys.

I want to talk to you about the perfect jeans.

All right.

What are the white?

You're wearing a right.

Six foot two.

Blonde hair, blue eyes.

Scandinavian.

Scando.

That's a derogatory term for them.

Guys, I would send a pair of these jeans.

What are you looking at, Scando?

Scando.

Go ahead and son of land.

Vich Veto de Coco Blanc Factory.

Get the hell out of here, Scando.

Take your stroop waffle with you.

Take your fucking suspenders and your goddamn.

Why do you need need suspenders?

Your shorts are already too goddamn high.

They're called Liederhausen.

It's a type of pants that prevents us from doing the holocaust.

Very changing our government.

Take them off.

Okay, but you're not going to like it.

I ain't learning German.

Guys.

Oh, I got to send a pair of these jeans, and guys, guess what?

They were perfect.

Why did you have to guess what on that?

I'm literally wearing them right now.

You're wearing perfect jeans?

Yeah.

Yeah.

You want to talk about how perfect they look like Levi's to me?

They're not.

What makes them perfect, Ari?

Let's give a personal endorsement because it says

copy.

I'm supposed to wear them and stand up.

And I'm not doing it.

Number one, here's what makes these perfect: the name of them.

Yeah.

That's about as far as it goes.

You're supposed to say, guess what?

Guess what?

I'm standing up.

Guess what, listeners?

I just sat down.

Thank you.

Like a true pitch man.

Yeah.

You didn't really give him a chance to guess, though.

Everyone at home's like, come on.

Yeah.

That's not enough time.

There was a guy who heard, guess what?

And he goes, you're gay.

That's why I have to do it too fast.

And then the guy, he looks over to Squish Miles and he goes, got him.

I got him, guys.

I got the bug, dude.

It's going to be the rest of my life.

I do have incredibly big balls and they push out to save space for those.

What do you mean they push out?

not so tight in the ball long.

A lot of times if you get like ball space, then you're getting way baggy.

You want something that's like normal.

So there's a taper

bit of ball space.

Yeah.

Why is this how to connect it?

I don't get it.

And guess what?

What?

That's what makes them perfect.

I only buy jeans when I'm like in really good shape.

Yeah.

And then I immediately get in bad shape.

And then I just have useless jeans all the time.

I only buy clothes before it's.

It's like I have like a two-week window where I'm like, I'm going to get get some jeans.

Boys.

And then it's back to sweatpants.

I'm feeling me.

Yeah, right.

Guys, speaking of what Ari just mentioned about his testicles, the Perfect Gene has saved over 700,000 pairs of nuts for their owners.

Oh, really?

From stiff, unforgiving denim.

They put them on the troops.

His nuts are blown off in Kaboom.

Yeah, IED proof jeans.

We called it Kaboom.

And their owners,

yeah, they've saved them from stiff, unforgiving denim, and that number is going up every day.

These jeans are ready to to help you crush 2025.

They've got serious stretch for every phase of your fitness journey.

You work out in these guys.

If you don't love these jeans, Nickel, quit the podcast.

You better.

Since this is my final day, should I charter a stretch limousine home after?

Yeah.

No, we should get a blade, dude.

How about a 10-gun salute?

Not we.

I think I should get a stretch limousine.

Why can't I be the living?

With a nice little 10-inch TV in the back.

I'm going to wait.

10-inch killer on this TV.

10-inch CRT TV, and I can watch Home Alone 2.

And you just the driver his name as you roll up the window every time.

Yeah.

And what's your last name?

It is Bunguluku Dukkambumbado to Bumbada.

Guys, that's an awesome name.

That's a cool name.

You can start 2025 off right with zero wardrobe stress.

The perfect gene has six fits from waists 26 to 50.

Those aren't them, are they?

No, these are,

and that's why my balls are

terrible right now.

Why don't you run into the office?

Why don't you go get your pants, Adam?

Go get your pants.

Get my pants.

Commit to the pants.

You want to just keep going with the.

Okay.

Adam's going to go put his pants on that he got from Perfect Jeans.

His Jew jeans right now.

His, yeah.

With a second in command to the Coens.

His Levy jeans.

Levy.

Yeah.

Yeah.

His Levy jeans.

Yeah, Chaim Levy.

Can you hand me his vape, please?

Yeah.

Thank you.

What's the.

So that's, you got.

When did you record this special?

April.

April.

Yeah.

And when did you and Jew is the one right before that?

Jew was a couple of years before?

A couple of years.

Oh, man.

See, in my mind, that Jew came out eight months ago.

Yeah.

And now you already have another one.

No, it was.

That's what I mean.

That's why I have to leave, is because this is...

I would ra if I'm going to waste my life, I would rather do it fixing small motors.

I think it's time to quit anyway.

Yeah, probably.

Your heart hasn't been in it for a while.

No, it has not.

Come Town was a good show.

Come Town was a good show.

This was a good spite show for a while.

It was alright, yeah.

And then the anger fades, and you're like, why am I still doing this?

Exactly.

Yeah.

Like, what am I still...

Exactly.

There was a time when I was really mad at Bobby Lee.

And then every time I tried to embarrass him, every conversation he was in, I tried to get in.

They're like, but he's stupid, right?

Are you guys listening to this dumb fucking idiot?

And then at some point, I remember not having the energy to do that.

Right.

He was in a conversation, and I was like, but my friend.

He's a small Korean man.

It's like, what are you doing?

Yeah.

It's like getting mad at Ikea.

Yeah.

How long are you going to do a podcast with a retard?

Can you imagine being cut off by a a Hyundai and being like, oh, this fucking, this is probably,

this is probably some rich asshole.

No.

Yeah.

Right?

It's just, it's some idiot

on their Korean way to fucking go to their Korean job.

I can't believe you made him put on the jeans.

Whatever they sent them to him.

They were nice enough to send me.

They were nice enough.

They're good jeans.

Yeah.

Are those actually perfect jeans?

Yeah, they are.

Oh, okay.

Did they, did they sponsor your podcast?

They hadn't a long time ago, and they haven't for quite some time.

Yeah, so I'm just worrying about it alone.

They're probably one of those companies that's smart that understands you only need to buy one read.

Yeah, and then they'll just keep wearing it.

Some of these companies are like, I don't know, we've been paying these guys for 10 years and no one's buying.

It's like, yeah, it's the same 15 people listening to this show.

Honestly, it's just comedians.

Just send them one pair of jeans, they'll just wear them.

Almost every comic.

I'm just like, I'm not buying them.

Some guy brought me shorts.

You look like Nanette, dude.

I mean,

it's not bad.

Can I see the

tag?

Yeah, it says, fuck your khakis.

Fuck your khakis.

That's aggressive, and it looks like an eye test chart.

Yeah.

That would be a cool movie, right?

Like an optometrist that is a killer.

And then somebody gets their eyes checked.

And then they're like, now read the last line.

And they're squinting.

The guy's squinting.

And then the last line says, I killed your wife.

And he's like, wait a minute.

And then he knocks the thing, and then the optometrist shoots him.

But he slowly sees a pin coming out.

And then it says, the end.

But he's like the trying to official.

Blood comes out.

I like it.

Run it.

Guys, Fashion Project.

Guys.

Yeah,

I'm going to walk around.

I'm going to go pretend like I'm doing Habitat for Humanity in LA.

And I'm going to find Steven Spielberg, and I'm like, I'm here to rebuild your home.

Also, the optometrist-that's the kind of script you throw into a moving window.

Yeah, right.

It's a post-it note with just what I said on it.

So, what's the pitch?

This is it.

This is now.

I know there's formatting issues here, but this is the screenplay.

It just says the optometrist, but you could read it, right?

Yeah, right.

And then it says the end.

He's a killer.

He's a killer optometrist.

And the eye chart at the bottom, it says, I killed your wife.

Not only do they have perfect jeans,

they've got perfect t-shirts, and the perfect t is just enough stretch

to hot.

I don't think they sent it, did they?

Well, then take this shirt off.

Take the shirt off.

Shouldn't be wearing without.

You shouldn't be wearing anything but the jeans, including your glasses.

And your engagement ring.

Take your engagement ring off.

What are you engaged to, Reddit?

No, I don't.

Let's see it.

She doesn't let me on the computer.

Off, off, off.

My body is a wonderful.

And then Pete looks like a woman.

Your body's a wonder.

Let's edit in some mid-90s Fox wooing noises.

For the rest of the episode,

can you also glasses to put a side-by-side of him next to someone with regular-sized nipples?

I've got really small nipples.

Yeah.

Also, a lot of Ashkenazi Jews have a chest can cavity.

Oof.

Do you have one?

I don't think so.

My friend Tommy had one, and we made him

stole milk and cereal

from the cafeteria camp, and we'd make him eat it out of his chest.

Grodie.

Yeah.

He'd do anything for money, that guy.

Story tracks.

Anyways, back to the re.

Anyway, so,

oh, yeah.

This is for you, buddy.

This is for you, Tommy.

This is a going-away present money for you.

No, it's not.

The going-away present is going away.

The journey is the reward.

The journey away is really the reward.

Guys, they've got the perfect tea to hide your beer belly while accentuating your arms and chest

for that flawless look.

It's soft as but.

You look pretty flawless right now.

What?

You look pretty flawless right now.

I don't feel comfortable not wearing a shirt.

Your back goes in like a...

Yeah.

Oh, you got a fucking chest when you do that.

Go back again.

No, no, no.

But that's not bad.

Yeah, that looks tough.

We should get some like

some spoons and forks for you to curl.

Yeah.

Pete, can you get me some spoons and forks for me to curl?

Can you get him a Joe Rogan-shaped cowbell?

Can you take a picture of my body and send it to Joe?

Sure, absolutely.

Absolutely.

Can you call Joe?

Can you FaceTime Joe right now?

Yeah, he's bulimic now.

It'll help.

Is he bulimic?

Yeah, he's been throwing up.

It's his new fat diet where he barbs it out.

Yeah.

He

did the only meat for a while.

Yeah, because he's like,

go to the champs.

Go to bulimia.

There's a guy.

But he goes, you got to do kale and stuff.

You can't just do ice cream.

You got to go, like, I know.

That would be hilarious.

If he was confidently saying, I'm bar.

And there's pictures of him at the inauguration with the president, and there's just vomit all over his shirt.

He's learning.

His tuxedo.

He's just quiet.

He's growing up while taking the pictures.

Excuse me, it's been an hour.

Yeah, constantly, just a slow leak of like oatmeal.

Bulimia, your breath.

Yeah.

I can totally see him selling that.

No, the nutrients going through your cheeks, and you lose the needless calories.

There's a, you know, know, how those raw

guy on the show that's telling about it.

He's like, in Afghanistan, we would have to barf to cover our smell.

That's how I got into it because the local Afghans, they can smell you.

And you're upwind.

But if you cover yourself in diarrhea and barf, they wouldn't be able to tell where the troops were.

And that's why we have to kill every migrant.

That took a dark turn.

Oh, my God.

That's what they say on that thing.

That's what Harry says

on that program.

On the right-wing.

Don't have to kill.

Radical right-wing.

C-SPAN.

C-SPAN.

It's funny, they were doing all these deportations.

You think there's like somewhere in Ecuador or Mexico, there's somebody that's seeing a guy come off a plane.

He's like, well, well, well.

Look who came crawling back.

It wasn't my choice.

We told you you wouldn't make it.

I told you you could never make it in America.

Yeah, what are all these people coming back?

Like, I'm not even from here.

I'm going to Malin.

I'm going to

get on Kiltoni.

As a lot of immigrants get on, Kiltoni gets deported right back.

You should just have him come out of a cage.

It's like you can exit through the audience or back into the cage.

You got trafficked by a coyote to do Kiltoni.

Kiltoni.

Kiltoni.

Kiltoni.

Okay, guys.

Mitoni, thank you so much for this opportunity.

It's time to finally stop crushing your balls in uncomfortable jeans by going to theperfectgene.nyc

best city on the earth right um our listeners get 15 off your first order plus free shipping, free returns, and free exchanges when you use the code TAFS15.

That's 15 at checkout.

That's 15% off for new customers of theperfectgene.nyc with promo code TAFS15 after your purchase.

They'll ask you where you heard about them.

Please support the show and tell them that we sent you.

So fuck your khakis.

Also, before I depart, a final thank you to the good folks at Ridge Wallet who sent me a very nice nice care package for Christmas.

It's a going away or just that they didn't know?

Just a night.

They haven't sponsored the show in forever, but they just send me stuff anyways because they're nice.

That's how easy it is to get a read on this shit.

Yeah.

Just send a free thing.

Yeah, they sent me the luggage set.

What?

And Ridge Wallet.

Yeah, they have the luggage now.

The luggage is really nice, although they did get dinged up pretty bad by the fucking baggage cabbers at JFK.

It's not Ridge's fault.

It's these fucking assholes at JFK.

It's these fucking Native Americans who work the lodge there.

They're all Comanche over there.

Yeah.

I'm pretty sure they're Italian.

But

anyways, yeah, they sent me a nice, and they have Ridge-branded cookies.

Your new backpack looks cool.

They sent me a backpack.

I got the new backpack also, and it matches his water bottle.

He's really excited.

There's no promo code.

There's a pocket wallet.

Yeah, there's a pocket wallet.

It's just something that perfectly fits my Kindle.

Oh, it's got a Kindle analog.

So if I'm out and like I'm doing my survivalist stuff, I can

check in on the Canterbury Tales for whatever I I want.

Here's what the plan is, guys.

We have three episodes of the talk show that are unreleased, and we're going to.

There are four.

There are four, but one is we haven't edited yet.

Are these chairs going to be on there?

The chairs are.

The one guest I booked that I requested when we had a talent poker

was Tom Fontana.

Did you request Tom Fontana?

I requested Toman.

Okay, I'll release that episode then.

If you want.

I haven't watched it yet.

He's only here for an hour.

He was here for an hour, and I feel like we didn't get an hour.

He only had like 28 minutes.

Yeah, yeah.

I feel like he was mostly.

I was like, let's get the interview over with so that he could sign my DVD box set of homicide life, which I'm bringing that up.

Brantana, the one who created it?

No.

He created Oz.

What a great show.

He's the creator of Oz.

Yeah.

Oh, Oz was also good.

Yeah, yeah.

So, Oz.

Wait, the prison movie?

It was a TV show.

Show, yeah.

And also, Life in the Street.

Homicide, Life in the Street.

Yeah, what a CV.

What?

What a resume.

Just in case.

Oh, it's a file cabinet.

It's a file.

Just in case the episode never comes out, I want to show you.

It's going in red.

No, no.

Over the last two and a half years, what I got out of this experience was I got my DVD box set, a homicide life on the street.

No DVD player.

We have one in back there, and I have one at home.

And I got Tom Fontana to come to the show, and I told him how much I love the show, and he signed it, and it's in gold markers, so you can't read it.

But it says, Nick, all good things.

Tom Fontana.

You meant that, too.

2023.

It's a show about criminals getting away with it.

Wait, that was signed in 2023?

Let me see.

No, it wasn't.

How's that possible?

What do you mean?

It's 25 now.

Oh, yeah, it makes sense.

Sorry, I think there was Super Bowl commercials for season one premiere.

Okay.

I thought Barry Levinson created it.

I think he produced it, but I think it's Tom Fontana created.

Carolina, Barry Levinson, one of our greats.

And it was, I think, David Chase's book was.

David Menson.

And David Chase's book inspired it, but then Tom Fontana created it.

I don't know, but I had it be very funny.

It would be very funny.

Oh, yeah.

It would be very funny.

You're a freelander.

It would be very.

It would be very funny if.

Okay, I never thought about it.

Yeah, we're friends.

He's hanging Maryland Heroes.

Maryland Greats.

Oh, yeah.

Yeah, you can say Stav's name.

I will, though.

We're good with Stav.

Wait, you don't think he's great?

Do you have beef with Stav?

I've had beef with Stav.

Really?

Yeah.

Korean barbecue?

Yeah, TC all around there.

Let's get the beef, too.

Yeah, yeah.

Okay.

Stav loves it.

Somebody messed up the numbers, so

guys, so those four episodes will be released as the lost episodes.

After which, the show is going to be converting, the talk show will be converting to a once-a-week format.

And ideally, we could all pull this off in the next two months.

Thank you.

It's a once-a-week format.

Four.

This is my five.

That's the bonus.

That one goes in the back.

Yeah.

And then we go to like.

Yeah, get the cards.

So the bonus one goes there.

Yeah.

Seven, six.

Wow, great.

Three.

Oh, wait, three.

Three.

And that's.

There's four.

Yeah, okay, perfect.

But are the DVDs in that order?

Yeah, we got those two.

So you were saying or whatever?

And if you guys have never seen Homicide,

just watch the Bop Gun episode.

What's the Bop Gun one?

It's the one with Robin Williams, where Robin Williams guest stars.

He gets turned around in the train?

No, he plays.

If that, but he gets turned around in the train.

They play

the husband, it's a Midwestern family that comes and visits the city, and a couple of teenagers go to rob them, and the wife stands up to them, and they kill the wife by accident.

And so it's like them doing the investigation at the same time as Robin Williams is in the hotel with his kids and he's like reeling because his wife was just murdered.

And he has to go identify the body and stuff.

And yeah, and he keeps doing that stuff.

Who vacations in Baltimore?

Yeah, I don't know.

I think that was probably the first mistake.

Did you see what was that cool?

Was it

SUV?

It wasn't one of those.

Yeah.

But one of them, he got turned around in the subway.

It was Robin.

Wasn't it Robin Williams or was it the original guy they wanted for it?

You know when the subway trends, you fall and then it spins you?

So like your body's, it's over, it's spun, your legs are still, but your top.

What are you talking about?

Sorry, how one of these types of shows.

Yeah.

A character fell into the subway or got pushed.

Your body spun.

So you're still alive, but like we're going to have to move this.

As soon as we move the car, the train, like you're going to spill out.

And so then it was like he had to call his wife.

I thought it was Robin Williams that played that.

I think you're thinking of the movie Signs when the woman's pinned against the tree.

And once they let her out, it's like, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.

No, no, no.

With the death of Anton Yelchin.

That's when they stole it from.

Zach, I'll see you guys later.

I'm going to go check the mail.

It's really sad how that guy died.

I know, and he was a great actor.

He was a good actor.

That guy had a bright future ahead of time.

Yeah.

Yeah.

You ever see Green Room?

Green Room?

Yeah.

Yeah.

Great movie.

Yeah.

It's a movie.

That's who.

That's who.

With the neo-Nazis, the punks, the punk band of the neo-Nazis.

You should have gotten

Jeremy Solnier.

Is that how you pronounce his name?

Timothy Solni.

The guy is that.

Jeremy Solnier.

The guy that directed Green Room and

Blue Ruin.

Yeah.

Yeah.

They're really good, those guys.

Yeah, if you could have had him.

Yeah, him and Macon Blair is the other guy.

Fucking half him darling.

What's that?

Fucking half him what?

Do the show.

I mean, so yeah.

So basically over the next two months, we're going to be banking like

I'm listening.

Sorry.

Oh, yeah, I said bank.

Yeah.

That was good.

I thought you were making fun of me.

And then you were making fun of our head.

Cheers and general.

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

It's kind of over for us, I think.

We're coming back.

We're laying in wait.

By the way, we're keeping track of what you say about Israel.

It's kind of over.

That's why I'm getting out now, dude.

Get out now before the revenge starts.

Exactly.

We've got like eight Hamas left.

Come on, come on.

Go ahead.

What are you going to take away from me?

No, what's going to happen is

what are you going to take away?

My small motors?

What's going to be happening is Nick is going to be getting to work on an attic for us.

Oh, nice.

Yeah.

Build one?

Oh, nice.

I only recently found out that the Anne Frank Secret Annex was like a whole other fucking building.

It was like a brownstone.

Yeah, it was great.

It was like a mansion.

It was great.

It was so much space.

Headroom.

Yeah, I learned about it.

I thought it was like a secret room.

Yeah, yeah.

Like they were living in it.

Like there was like clock gears and stuff and steam.

Wasn't it behind like a file cabinet or something?

Yeah, it was a fairly good thing.

It was behind a file cabinet, but then it goes to like a whole other building.

So it's like a cool house.

And it's like a bookshelf.

When you learn that, it's like, well, the Nazis weren't even really trying to find people.

You notice where one boozling ends or another start?

What's up here?

I don't know.

Because you got to imagine,

if you're just like trying to get through this bullshit war and your uncle gets a job going around and finding Jews, right?

I would be like, do you got any Jews here?

All right, then.

Can you just sign this?

Yeah, exactly.

The way I checked IDs.

Yeah, right.

Yeah, sure.

Exactly.

Classic Gestapo.

Yeah, yeah.

It's like, fuck.

Yeah, sure.

I wish Quiznos existed already.

They're going to fucking Quiznos right now instead of eating a bar of chocolate and a beet.

Yeah.

This war sucks.

This war fucking sucks.

Let's just get some of these troop baffles.

Dude, I wish I was.

So wait, you're going to interview one person a week?

So the episodes will be like big

talks or like hard-hitting interviews, getting to know somebody.

Have you seen the episode?

Have you seen the interviews?

You haven't watched that?

People are saying

good things.

Well, great.

What is it, though?

Is it like a fuck around or is it like it's like long-form interviews?

Yeah, yeah.

So it's like what we've been doing, but the narrative aspect of the show, because that was

Nick would do the introduction sections, and so that's obviously going to be changing.

That's not going to go anywhere.

Yeah, yeah.

Yeah.

Can you maybe AI it?

Yeah, sure.

Yeah, we could AI it.

Do you know anyone that knows?

You can do whatever you want.

I'm excited to watch homicide.

Fucking.

Dude, you're like fully retiring.

You and Tim Dylan should do something together.

I keep saying it.

I'll say it once a year.

You guys just work on something together.

I'm just going to retire.

You're being like a mom right now.

Oh, cool.

Is that like a mom?

Before I moved to New York, my mom was like, you just really are the perfect.

She's like, just go to Jay.

Just find where Jerry Seinfeld lives, knock on his door, say, I'm a young Jewish comedian.

Yeah.

And I was like, mom, I was like.

Is that how your mom talked?

No, I just did it staring.

And it worked.

She's like, just go to Jerry Seinfeld's house, maybe.

I love how he has a house in New York.

Yeah.

Like, yeah, he's got a guy from up.

Yeah.

Just a house in a city.

Yeah.

And Adam's the fat Korean boy.

He's like, go away.

Just go to Tim Dillon's.

Just go away.

I don't want you here at my house.

Do everything he tells you to do.

Don't worry about the part that you forgot after the rag went on your face.

Who are you doing?

Is that Julia Child?

My mom.

Oh, yeah.

It sounds like Julia Child.

Julia Childs, you're doing.

Oh, today we're playing.

It's a bit close.

Yeah, like that.

She was also Queen Elizabeth.

I don't know what her voice sounded like.

Because she had cum in her throat.

Yeah, she was the England's rose, they say.

Yeah.

The throat.

What's the new interview show going to be called?

The Adam Freelance Show.

And we're going to be releasing those four episodes in the meantime.

Get it going.

And then in March, we will, in March, April, we're going to be converting to a once-a-week format and relaunching

the show.

For me, yeah.

Why?

But I'm not involved in any of that.

No, I'm saying for you to fucking take off.

Oh, yeah.

Why?

I was worried about that.

No, as you were saying that, I was like, oh my god, I've heard people promote stuff so many times.

I've done it so many times.

But you were listening to the words.

Right, it tuned you out.

And then I'm realizing, like, oh, I've done that too.

And then I'm like, looking at this guy who's not going to have to deal with that shit anymore.

All right.

And I'm like, I'm happy.

I was worried about it because I mean,

we all promote stuff.

But yesterday, when that litter box started whining and screaming, this is what they do.

The error lights.

Yeah.

The error lights are going off.

This is what they do.

I mean, he's going to not have work.

It's like he's going into the weekend of his life.

That's not what it's happening.

And then I pulled that fucking thing apart and I said, God damn it, I can fix this thing.

And you fixed it.

And I fixed it.

Yeah.

Because your mind's not here.

It's there.

Yeah, yeah.

It's there in that litter box.

It's fucking perfect for me.

I can do that.

Perfect.

Yeah.

All right, we're going to go to the office.

I think I might try to draw something like Garfield.

That's my plan.

Like a new Garfield.

Because I can draw as good as Jim Davis, and it's like, I just need an idea.

I mean, Cat's been taken already.

Cat's been taken.

He's a stinking dog, but there's a lot of that also.

Ferret.

Because his owner is going to be weird.

Yeah, but not the owner.

They don't have Ferrets.

Yeah.

Oh, so it won't relate to it as well.

So it would have to be something like a talking automatic litter box, something that everybody has.

And it's broken.

Dishes.

And John Arbuckle has to fix it.

Oh, yeah.

It's just really autobiographical.

John Arbuckle.

Yeah, it's still John there.

Still has John Arbuckle.

Yeah, it's a cartoon, of course.

Yeah, John Harfar.

Lazon, you're getting here.

Yeah, right.

Or how about, you know, it's like a musical, but from Odie's perspective.

Oh, that's pretty good.

Yeah, and it's called Wicked.

Yeah.

It's just dark.

And it's our funny back is a black lady painted like a dog.

So they just made the witch a black chick.

Black chick?

Oh, green, right?

She's amazing.

I watched it.

She was really good in that.

In the whiskey.

She was good.

Yeah.

Yeah.

How could it be a good movie?

It's amazing.

It's fun.

It's fun.

I like musicals.

We like musicals here.

It's fun.

And I called it Pete.

I said, because everybody, we watch it, and it looks like the backgrounds look flat or miscolored or something.

Well, it's because they shot it for 3D.

And I said, I know this is because this is supposed to be 3D.

Came out on Apple TV in 3D.

Oh, really?

In 3D.

What do you put glasses on?

Yeah.

My TV came with the glasses.

And now they don't make TVs that have the fucking

3D anymore.

So I don't know.

Wow.

Maybe.

You got to shoot it for not 3D too.

You got to think most people watch that.

Well, they did.

I mean, in the theater, they didn't have it in 3D.

Yeah.

It's a home release.

Two formats.

Yeah.

Did you go to see it at Regal?

I rented it on the 3DS.

What's the 4DX thing?

I keep hearing about it.

It's like you get glad.

But I've seen that.

I want to do it.

I've never done it.

I saw 2049 or whatever.

Blade Runner.

Blade Runner, yeah.

I saw it blowing smoke at you.

You know how it rains a lot in that movie?

So you just get mist on you the whole time?

I was kind of wet.

I saw that movie.

It was in the 3D.

Yeah.

I saw it in the 4D, yeah, with Jonah.

That's 4D 9.

I'm going to re-watch that.

I'm going to go home and rewatch.

Yeah, I want to see that.

God, you have so much time.

I'm going to go for a

walk.

I started walking also.

It's just going to happen.

And I think I might start running, too.

You won't.

I could.

But right now, you're in the twilight of your retirement where everything's possible.

You're not going to, but everything's possible.

So just add to the list.

I'm pretty good at riding the exercise bike.

I got a training plan and I stay consistent with it.

Yeah.

Yeah.

Well,

the watch keeps telling me my cardio health is low, but I've gotten it now to it's almost above average.

I've gone up.

I've gone up.

You got two average.

You're fine.

Yeah, about six weeks.

Just sleeping Snoopy as your motivation to get going.

Yeah.

I love Snoopy.

I love checking the watch, seeing what he's up to.

He's just chilling.

No, he's always doing something.

Before.

Look,

he goes to sleep.

Now he's doing the fucking, he's doing jazzer size.

Oh, that's pretty cool.

Yeah.

My mom's in there.

What do we got?

We've got kickoff.

I mean, you're not going to miss this.

Having to read stuff off a piece of paper.

I have to do it.

Yeah, and I don't know how to remake.

I'll never have to read again.

Oh, I want to re-watch Wild at Heart.

Ooh.

Is it the Bruce Willis one?

Yeah, I haven't thought about what David Lynch movie to watch since his demise.

Pete, did you just say bad movie?

She

didn't fuck up.

That's interesting.

I think he killed himself.

What don't you like about it?

I forgot about Diddy's parties.

Yeah, it's all connected.

Nicholas Cage?

I thought he was very funny.

Willem Defoe is so scary in that movie.

No, you're thinking of

Embrace of a Vampire?

Kiss of Vampire?

Vampire's Kiss.

Vampire's Kiss.

Yeah.

Like low budget with Nicholas Kage.

That hits him going full cage.

And kind of just alone in a hotel room for a while.

He's just like, yeah, it's some of the most cage you can get in a movie

for your buck.

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And we'll cut that part where I said the n-word, sort of.

Yeah.

So why don't you read the last part?

I said the n-word right in the middle of those.

I think I got a clean the second time.

Oh, we got a clean.

Yeah, I got a clean.

Yeah.

I was just kidding.

I didn't say the n-word.

Yeah.

What you're hearing.

I didn't say any slurs.

Ripple in time.

Over the last eight years, I have never said a slur.

Yeah, this guy's not racist.

Gerald, yeah, this guy.

No, it's a different guy.

Move on.

I mean, you would imagine a guy named Uncle Ben is probably pretty racist.

They named him after the black rice guy.

He showed up at the Super Bowl party.

No one invited him.

He's there.

He's calling everybody an animal on the TV.

Why are there so many blacks on the jets?

I'm not racist.

I call the Filipino guy that, too.

No, I just mean his athleticism.

There's something animalistic about it.

Like a baboon.

Uncle Ben.

Uncle Ben, please.

Here, Tony's a queer now?

I've only had two beers.

He seems fine to me, guys.

I'm okay to drive home.

I only had two beers.

Ben really contained himself this time, huh?

Yeah.

All right, Ben.

See you later, buddy.

Watch out, watch out.

All right.

It'd be very funny to do that in court.

Just try it with no powers.

You will ignore the obviously.

I didn't expose myself to those children.

That has to have happened.

Nerd that got arrested.

Straight to the jury.

He He didn't know that.

You got not download the child pornography.

It's just 400 pounds.

Sorry, I figured I'd try it.

Whenever the judge goes to do the gavel, he's like,

the judge is like, stop.

Fucking don't do that.

And he goes,

I'm not going to fucking tell you again.

Don't make the lightsaber noise when I swing my hammer.

He tries to go Super Saiyan right before the bailiffs tries to take him away.

That would be a black nerd.

Yeah.

It would be a black nerd, to try to go dragging.

Black nerd master race.

Yeah.

If you want to see more of this riffing, find out where Nick gets his oatmeal from and meet him in the bodega.

Check out Come Town podcast.

It was on

two years ago.

Yeah.

You can check out Come Town.

It's still online.

It's still online.

It's everywhere.

I'm about to take down all my old episodes of my old podcast.

Why?

Why?

Because you got an SNL?

I'm getting in trouble.

Who's going to get in trouble?

I don't know until it happens.

You get Barack Obama on there.

I don't think people get in trouble.

I can't stamp Chinese people.

We used to say terrible things.

Someone's married now.

I'm sure we talked about hookers or some shit.

Really?

Well, I don't even know what the lines are.

Who?

I don't know.

It had to be somebody specific.

No, I'm just saying, like, what's the name of the married guy?

There's an episode from 10 years ago where you said, on January 23rd, 2025, Bert Kreischel will die.

I said it on every episode.

I just timed it up.

So, like, eventually one will be right.

I started with 2024, so 10 years in, I got what would be the reaction?

People would just be like, whoa.

Duncan would do that at the end of every set in LA for like two months.

He goes, Thanks, everybody.

By the way, this week, there will be a major earthquake.

Yeah, goodbye.

And then, like, every seven months, it happened.

And you know, people are like, What the fuck?

That guy called it.

That's pretty cool.

Yeah, it's creative, that guy.

Uh, yeah, I wonder what would happen if Bert died.

There would be like tribute posts of like, uh, I would really take a shirt off the bottom of the business

sure

and I would go around talking about

my best my best friend died

well the machine is gone.

I hope he just goes I hope he doesn't just become like one of those like

side talkers with the bad guy from breaking bad

just birth ding ding ding and they have to bring him a monster energy with vodka

bring my medicine with vodka yeah yeah he has like a fitted

fitted like Volcom helmet.

Yeah.

Take his medicine through like a beer

pod helmet.

He's still podcasting.

Yeah.

He's still podcasting.

He's learned the buttons for over like

singer.

He's like in a hospital room with him.

Oh, man.

Yeah.

Yeah.

He's still fat.

It's so funny.

You see, you're in comedy long enough just to see people's bodies really just develop in very funny ways.

Yeah, Bert was always fat, but now it's a new level.

I love that Dan's turned into like a Civil War general.

Who's Dan?

Dan Soder.

Oh.

His body?

No,

he went gray, and he got rid of the beard, but he had a beard for.

He looked like Robert E.

Lee.

Yeah, he did.

He left.

I've seen too many men lose their legs.

Grant.

Yeah, yeah.

I just finished Grant.

He does look like a statue that would get taken down eventually.

The Dan Soder.

Yeah, yeah.

Why is this even still up?

What are we even celebrating?

I can't believe they took down all the Confederate statues, but they left Bob's big boy up.

That seems like

a distress of the statues.

The burgers.

Yeah, I don't really know the context, but seeing that, I know there's not exactly what it is.

He can't lack that.

Everyone who does that has nothing to do with it.

That's the sheriff from Mississippi burning.

I just kicked some blacks out on the counter.

Yeah, yeah.

We don't lack them in our town.

Don't worry, boys.

Watts only today.

That statue is fine.

Yeah.

It's true.

So big, too.

It's a big, big boy.

Yeah.

I wonder if

we know anyone that'll get a statue.

I went to, I brought Lewis to a Bob's big boy.

Where in Texas?

No,

somewhere in the mid-well, I guess Russ Belt.

Do you think the statue was his dead dad?

We drove to Detroit.

Yeah, he did.

He was like, dude, the father he never had.

Dad?

Imagine that's what he said.

He just put the stops on.

Dad?

No, stray cat.

Dad, that's the rental car.

Sell that thing.

Doggy.

No.

Doggy.

No, that's the

doggy.

Dog.

That's the Bangladeshi man at the Red Roof Inn.

No, we were driving back from Detroit, and we stopped at a Bob's Big Boy.

He had never been.

He had never been.

And then he pointed that out.

He's like, I've never been to a place like this.

A place like this.

I didn't possibly go.

A place like this.

Yeah.

And I'm like, welcome, dude.

Yeah.

Welcome to this.

Bob's big boy.

Yeah, Cracker Barrel's Next.

Yeah.

And then Po Boys, if you want to upscale it.

I want to call out Lewis, actually.

I did the Story Wars.

He won his own talk show, and he said he's on a 10-week streak.

Yeah, he's crushing it.

He's definitely cheating at his own talk show.

Yeah, he's crushing it.

Is he judging it?

No, he's a contestant on the talk show.

I'm going to show it to a lot better.

It's wearing Ben Stein's money, but it's weird.

Yeah, but Lewis wins every week.

Ken Jennings hosts Jeopardy.

Does he say the answer?

No, he doesn't play with him, though.

Lewis is playing along.

Lewis is playing along.

Yeah, but he won before he got to be the host.

Yeah, but he won Jay.

I'm just calling bullshit.

I think Lewis knows

what all the answers are.

I think you're jealous of Lewis.

I'm jealous.

I got second place.

I won.

You won?

Yeah.

Okay.

So you're the loser.

I got second place.

This is basically like, are you smarter than a fifth grader?

And you've lost it.

It basically is.

Yeah.

That's about right.

Me and Jay are not smarter.

And the fifth grader wins.

They can't win.

It's their show.

They're not the host of the show.

That's all I'm saying.

I just felt like there was a corruption happening under

second to Lewis.

Don't say it that way.

When you put it that way, yeah.

Second to Lewis.

Second to Lewis.

That's with Jared Leto's band, right?

No, no, that's

it's the it's the spin-off of Better Than Ezra.

Oh, okay.

Yeah.

Yeah.

Second to Lewis.

That's 48 minutes to home, according to my Google Maps.

That's his original band name.

Didn't the guy that that wrote 48 Hours directed the Street Fighter movie.

No, really?

Yeah.

Finally got a shot.

Yeah.

You know Kylie Minogue is in that movie?

No, really?

You know she's a billion?

She's a billion dollars.

Yeah.

She's years old.

She's just like, she was around when I was like in high school.

She's been around for a long time.

Yeah.

She's been around since like the 80s.

And then she like relaunches the sex symbol.

I'm like, wait, the one from like my childhood?

She makes great music.

Yeah, gay guys.

Gay guys love her.

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

She means a lot to gay guys.

That's honestly, you should become a gay icon, Nick.

Oh, that is really with your time.

I don't want to be an icon of any kind.

No, but gay icon is like the best career for the camera.

The only icon I want to hear about are the ones on my Windows 98 desktop.

Damn.

I can see you looking out your window and being annoyed at people walking by for a while.

Going to a phase like that.

No.

No, I get along with people.

No.

Just like passerbys.

He helps people fix their cars.

He's a good citizen.

Yeah, yeah.

yeah, yeah.

He's a good member of his community.

I was waiting for the train to come here today, and there was people all over.

See that guy?

It's just like Keanu Reeves.

Normal guy.

Yeah.

Well,

it costs like $50 to take a lift here.

It's insane.

It's a lot.

With the congestion pricing.

He lives in Philadelphia.

I took one today.

It was $30.

Huh?

Anyway, you were waiting for the train?

Yeah, and it's just, well, whatever.

Well, I want to hear this nice story.

He shit in his hand and he rubbed it on someone's face.

I know the story of people going to work and stuff, and I'm like, all these people living their lives.

So long, suckers.

This thing for me.

This is the happiest I've ever seen.

He's so stoked to get away from realists.

No, don't put it that way.

The feng shui in here is crazy.

There's so much wasted space, and he's like, I need it.

Don't you know?

It's a soldier.

Don't start on that.

It's a solar space.

Don't start on that.

Sets are supposed to have wasted space.

But not way back then.

It's supposed to make it look like it's far.

Not far.

What are you a company?

Oh, you're a production designer.

Oh, there?

Yeah.

Don't worry, dude.

That space is for Mr.

Hashimoto and the tools.

Yeah.

Yeah.

Haven't you met our file cabinet, Mr.

Hashimoto?

He's suicidal.

Because he's been a job.

Oh, I see it now.

He's a Japanese worker businessman.

Yeah.

He's like, today is the day I killed myself.

Yeah.

But now he hangs out with us.

Is that bad?

Yeah.

You should come in here just to come to the door and then go, nope.

And smile and turn around.

Why are you putting it this way, Art?

I'm really sad right now.

This is a sad thing.

You're starting a new chapter in your life.

It's not a new chapter.

I'm continuing on with the talk show.

This is when you go to one set of footprints.

You're saying this, Ari.

After the show.

After the show.

Yeah, but

no, it was always one set of news.

He was always carrying me.

Yeah.

Okay.

After this, we're going to go to the office.

Yeah.

I'm going to show you the Jadakiss episode of the talk show.

Interview Jadakiss?

Yeah.

Clearly, you're not paying attention to the news.

Is it out yet?

It's been out yet.

This is actually a fun story.

And then you're going to

fucking know.

As a throwaway joke, I said that I was friends with Jadakiss on the show, and then Jadakiss' actual friend reached out and was like, I can get Jadakiss for the show.

And then we actually got Jadakiss.

It was like a joke that Nick, as our Dracula character, was best friends with Jadakiss.

Wow.

I got Jadakiss for real.

Yeah, some magic things happened.

I guess one question.

When you watched the show,

you would have known.

You were too busy watching.

No, I had long COVID.

I had a bad memory.

Here's my one question.

Wait, so you're a liar, too?

Who's Jadakiss?

Judah Kiss?

No, Jadakiss, he's a rapper.

No, you're thinking of like Kanye West.

No.

No, there's more.

Jadakiss.

Usher.

Jay Dawah.

Kiss You, you broke.

You know Jay to Kiss.

I don't think I do.

No, all right.

I'll kiss you, you bitch-ass beep.

No, give me a song I would know.

I mean, that's like We Gonna Make It is one of the best songs.

We're gonna make it big Willie Style.

We Gon' Be All Right.

No, that's Kendrick Lamar.

Yeah.

Was he on that one?

Parents just don't understand.

I know that one.

That's not a one.

I know.

Maybe it's a song that you know.

I do know that one.

You said give me a song.

Yeah.

We Gon' Be All Right is Not Bad.

Yeah.

The Disrap.

Robo Number Five.

That's a song you know.

The Disrap on Kanye.

I know that one.

You know the

Blue Dabba D song?

Daboo D.

That's a good one.

Give me one from Jay to Kiss.

You know the one?

Yeah, that is.

That is.

Give me one from the Jay to Kiss.

He was in this group, The Locks.

He did this.

Does he paint his face all like white and black?

Like a cat?

No, no, no.

He's a black guy.

That's regular Kiss.

Yeah, that's Kiss.

Yeah, yeah.

He likes Trump.

He was in this group, The Locks, and then.

The Locks?

The Locks, and then, yeah, he was about John Locke from the show Lost.

It's about John Locke the philosopher.

Yeah, actually.

And then, and he was.

I know from the honey.

Oh, you've never seen Lost?

You should have watched The Walking Dead.

I'm going to get you.

Don't bother with Lost.

It's not worth it.

It gets bad.

The first two seasons.

It's called The Game of Thrones.

It's another

one where it's like, don't even get it.

The endings are so bad.

It's not worth it.

I've been watching the Game of Thrones.

I wonder what the thing is that's going to be like

that's going to trigger you like taking your corners back.

There's going to be

an event where you remember and you have to get the squad back together.

It would have to be the president and it has a very thick African accent.

Yeah, yeah.

I mean,

that would have to be it.

I can make that happen.

No, you can't.

I can work the rest of my life to make that happen.

What did Jadakus have to say?

I don't know.

It was a good event.

Who doesn't watch?

Yeah.

We had Neil deGrasse Tyson.

Really?

We had Chris Cuomo.

Did Neil deGrasse Tyson talk about what went on at those Diddy parties?

No, this was.

He said he went to the freak offs.

Yeah, he did.

Yeah.

He came in here and he confidently stated, I've never had sex.

That's a great, like, just right away.

Yeah.

Nope.

None of that.

Yeah.

We had Chris Cuomo from CNN.

You know that guy?

Yeah.

Who

talented have you had on?

What do you mean?

We have a lot of talented people.

Jadakiss is probably a lot of people.

Jadakiss, probably, yeah.

Who else is?

The rest of them are good figures.

We had, apparently, I think you may have had.

Paul Schrader was talented.

Paul Schrader, the guy who wrote

Taxi Driver.

He's the guy that directed Street Fighter.

Oh.

Blue Collar, Street Fighter.

That's not bad.

You know the movie Taxi Driver?

Martin Scorsese?

He wrote that?

I believe he did.

No, Robert De Niro wrote it, dude.

Did he?

Yeah.

He riffed that out.

I just remember it.

It's not nice to say.

They said roll.

He rolled.

Yeah, he's like, what if I was like a taxi driver?

They're like, good, just go with that.

Okay, well, we're not in.

I guess there's one nearby.

He's like, get it.

He's like, get a cab.

I got an idea.

I can riff it out.

One last ride.

The guy was really great for a while.

Get him.

He's a New Yorker.

De Niro?

Robert De Niro.

Yeah.

He's like, I just want to say one of the things.

You have an innovation.

Donald Trump, you crap, fuck ass.

You're an ass.

I love these old, like, tough guy actors now just, like, threatening someone online.

Like, why don't you come to my sandwich spot and I'll show you?

Uh-huh.

Yeah.

It was funny when he disrespected Trump and guys on Staten Island were like, like burning pictures of De Niro.

Wow.

Just pictures of Diro.

They're like, I had a lot of respect for you.

Yeah, they had them in their homes.

Why would they have respect for Trump?

I'm burning my Lego sculpture, Robert De Niro.

I've got to get back to all the other homos.

Yeah, yeah.

100% homosexual.

Which dad was gay?

De Niro?

Yeah.

Like Father Lee.

I know.

when I found out I found that out somehow around the same time that the war mode guys found out about it and I didn't watch the clip but just I forget I told I told Shane I was like yeah apparently Robert De Niro and then he told Shane hasten he told me he's like oh yeah the the war like or Billy he's like Billy found that out yeah and then I had the mental image of those guys finding out Robert De Niro's dad was gay which is like the funniest thing I can imagine the queer oh so I don't even need to watch the clip just knowing that they have that information information, it's like, it's like, yeah, it's like seeing like a, like, it's like a body being thrown to Wu's pigs.

Yeah, like, oh, this piece of information being torn out from them.

Yeah.

What's that?

All right.

Yeah.

Damn.

So are you sad at all?

No.

Must be a touch of sad at all.

I mean,

you know, I guess some sentimentality is due.

But yeah, the last three years,

a lot of fun, and we did stuff.

And

a couple of positive memories of the place.

I had a great time, but the reality is it's like it does need to be like a once-a-week thing.

We have to, yeah.

And so there's not really a, you know, I don't really know what I could contribute to that if it's just interviews.

So, like,

you know, I got to go figure out my own thing.

Yeah, let's move on to another stunt.

Yeah.

Yeah.

Yeah.

The objective is just, I mean, from the jump was that we would make something resembling a television show once a week on the internet.

That's right.

I remember that.

And I will be carrying on with that mission until it kills me.

Yeah.

Yes.

Nice.

Get one of those zero interest loans we get.

How many do you have?

How many do you have?

I have multiple.

That was one of the funniest things ever.

This guy was like saying it as if, as a matter of fact, I thought he was joking.

One time I was like with Tommy Pope and like, I think Shane was there.

And Rochefort's like, I'll tell you the fucking problem with you, Jews.

He was like, wasted.

He's like, all of you give each other zero interest loans.

That's why you're so rich.

And I was like, I was like, yeah, he said it yesterday.

He's like, how many, how many?

Oh,

how many zero interest loans do you have?

I was like, what?

What do you, what?

I was like, we would give our mothers like predatory loans.

Like, we would, we would, we would exploit family members.

And he's like, and they're, I think, Tommy's like, what are you guys talking about?

I'm like, he thinks that Jews are like, Tommy Pope.

Yeah, Tommy Pope.

You can just get zero.

Zero interest loans.

And everyone around the room looks and they're like, yeah, of course.

The rule is you can't charge a Jew interest.

The rule is now you must give them money.

They're like, yeah, yeah.

Yeah, of course.

We all know about the zero interest loans.

Don't get loans from other Jews.

What rule?

There's a Talmudic rule that if you loan money to another Jew, you can't charge them interest.

Bank of America.

Everyone there.

Obviously, I can't charge you.

But then those guys who get to the Instagram accounts of the anti-Jew ones go, that's what I heard.

Yeah, okay.

I saw it written on the business.

It was so funny.

They were all like.

He said it like such a given.

They didn't say it in a way where it's like, like, as they were like, Adam, come on.

Yeah, it's like, we all know.

How many do you have?

Of course you have a few, right?

I'm like, zero interest loans?

Hampton, I don't know who wants this story told, but Hampton told me one time his dad threatened to have him sent to jail for not doing his homework.

That's great.

Yeah.

And it was either that or like, I guess his dad also had like, you know what, like geodes are?

Yeah.

And I guess there was,

this is his story to tell so it's not even really that bad

his uh his dad made him like clean the basement and so like he cleaned the basement for his dad and i guess his dad had some sort of rare mineral that just looked like dust

and then his yeah his dad screamed at him talking

until he pissed himself he told me that story i was like yeah it sounds like that's pretty awful yeah yeah

well nick i'm fucking stoked for you man thanks man did you know nick made a short film for the for the show?

Oh, yeah.

Yeah, it's like amazing.

It's called Schindler's List.

Oh, really?

But it's a difference.

It's one of the Nazi Schindler's.

And he's like, who's going on my naughty list?

I thought he's like, I'm going on a run for who sandwiches.

I know you like Turkey Club.

What do you want?

It's a passing of time.

It's interesting.

It feels like, even though it's the right thing to do for sure, it still feels like since it's changing, it's like a moment of a touch of sadness.

You feel that way?

Yeah, I only get that.

I only get that when I change apartments, and that's why I chose.

That's same thing.

That's why I don't move.

Are you going to do that thing like at the end of a show where you look back into the room and you turn the light off?

Oh, I will not be giving you my keys, and I'm going to come here and continue to use the computer.

He's just going to come here to vape and go home.

You can come and get it.

I come here at like 6 a.m.

He comes to write here.

Anyway, well, go watch my special.

America Sweetheart is on Netflix right now.

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

And I'm on tour, the farewell tour.

I'm doing what you're doing.

I'm going to leave comedy for like a year.

That's the way to do it.

I mean, the reality is, is like, I don't, in general, I just don't think that

it's because of, like, we got put in, I mean, I don't think I can operate as a like content creator.

You know what I mean?

Whereas

I can't, like, I just don't work that way.

And I feel like it's, I used to be able to just sit and do nothing for a long time.

And then when I had something where I'm like, I want to do this, then I could do it.

You know, and I just, I just, maybe I'll.

Yeah, get back to to it where you're like, let your mind get bored enough to think of an idea.

Now I want to instead of now I'm forcing it.

Stephen King said that.

That

for creative people, boredom is like a very good place to be.

I agree.

I agree.

Paraphrasing, but something like that.

Yeah, and

for my sake, he died.

He spooked himself.

He wrote something.

He was ghost scared.

Yeah.

Let me get that cigarette.

Yeah.

Finish.

Yeah, and it's like, what if the old man in the town was was actually a ghost?

We might be here right now.

What if the old man was actually a ghost?

A clown ghost.

He's a clown ghost from a million years ago.

Wasn't he like hammered when he wrote those books?

Yeah, one or two.

I think he didn't remember writing some of them.

Which one?

Cujo is a

blast.

The one that got me the most was Cujo.

Anyway, so guys.

It's about an asshole.

Fland asshole.

It's about a Mexican asshole.

That was the original.

Yes,

it is bittersweet.

We are going to be changing the model for the topic.

Stop with the we

Ari, come on.

Just have a little bit of

harm.

No, you and I will.

No, and the rest of the Jewish media.

All right.

All right.

German media.

Welcome aboard.

Kanye, you were right, buddy.

I've seen it from the inside.

What you said came true.

Ari's going to be working here for $27,000 a year.

Oh, what a good one.

Welcome aboard.

Just don't gosa me.

You know?

Yeah.

That's it.

Y'all can do whatever you want.

Don't gossip and don't gaze up.

Don't gaza me.

I wanted to do it.

That's a good idea.

The one thing I wanted to do is like a motorized screen that drops down and put a projector there.

So if you wanted to do, like, let's, you know, you have a guest on it.

You roll the tape, yeah, and you, and you would just, you could play it back there.

Yeah, right.

Yeah, something like that.

And they put their arm like over this, you know, so like you're going like that.

Yeah, I thought.

You're going like this, you like that.

I thought that would be a fun addition, but for the most part, everything's locked in.

I did take the time.

Yeah, that's true.

i fixed i finally fixed all the chairs because the chairs had different issues but now we have four working chairs and then there would you at some point if you want to you would probably need to do a different setup for four chairs on the stage

which would require more lights and uh figuring out how to frame that that's a pretty big light there's a clip right now in the back of calves with uh the nerd from friends whatever his name is uh Schwimmer.

And he's doing an interview with the morning Kelly Rippa and her fucking gay husband.

And they're like, we got a a clip for you.

And you can tell he's so not into it.

And he's like, oh.

And then they go to this clip.

It's an old clip of friends.

What happened to Kelly Fistuca?

Did she get deported?

Yeah, she got deported.

Yeah.

I thought about her the other day.

I was like, what happened to that loud Australian?

Yeah, she got deported.

Yeah.

Kelly Fistuca.

She's off doing all the blow in Australia.

She's doing one gram for $87,000.

Yeah, because I was thinking about it.

There was a comic in Austin named Joe Schaefer who went to Australia and then like visited and he came back and he was like dude Australia was awesome and then he went back and he was just living there and then I saw him like four years later and I'm like oh you're you're back he's like yeah and like I guess he just never he just like

like was an illegal immigrant there and never did any of the paperwork and they finally caught him and kicked him out of the country and sent him back to Texas so

All right.

I think he wound up back there.

Back in Australia.

Yeah, because I think he found success there as a comic.

I think

he only did mics in Austin for maybe a year or something.

He opened for Netanette.

Nanette.

Yeah, I guess.

Anyway, guys.

Get your prostates checked.

Get your prostates checked.

Take care of yourself.

Stay and neuter your cats and dogs.

Take care of each other.

Fix your cats' litter box and find out how by checking out my new podcast, Small Repairs.

It's an audio-only podcast.

Yeah, and

none of the items we're fixing this week.

Just going to have to wait and see.

Could be Garfield alarm clock, could be automated litter box.

Nick, we'll see you in two weeks.

Back on the podcast.

I don't think so.

After.

Yeah.

All right.

Thanks a lot, guys.

Happy trail.

Love you, pal.

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