The Adam Friedland Show Podcast - Brendan Sagalow - Episode 70

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welcome to the adam freedland show podcast special guest brendan sagalo say hello to everyone what's up what's up how you doing today good thanks for having me boys i'm gonna go get a new shirt what kind of shirt we think i don't know you know when you gain enough weight where you're like oh yeah you know you're like that's we're going we're just getting bigger shirts

that's exactly it there's also there's also another move too that people don't realize is it's so that you get fat from one size to the next yeah but in between those there's also there's the, well, I'm not fat enough for the next size, but I'm fat enough for a heavier material shirt.

Yes.

That's it, too.

You know what I mean?

I always get into that thing where

I get fat enough for the next size, but I don't go to the next size yet.

And I'm in that embarrassing stage where you're wearing shirts that are too

long.

Well, just like too thin.

And you know what?

They're too thin.

Yeah.

You ever have a friend go, like, I think you got to go a size up.

No, no one's ever said that to me.

But I, well,

yeah.

But but but the the thin material the way a shirt kind of disrespects you when you've gained a little bit of weight where it's like ooh buddy you know like what's this yeah you know it's like it's it's like touching you it's like nice nipples fatty

like fucking there is no shirt in the world that doesn't do that to me this shirt right now go go go to go to dave's and buy like a thick car heart fucking no way these shirts are designed for fat guys that are like yeah i'm in fucking shape i'm a garbage man i know i live garbage all day i look like fucking Schwarzenegger.

Dude, and the whole Carhartt community,

nothing wrong with them, but they're always shitting.

Especially me specifically, because I'm just a silly goose.

So people, if I'm wearing like a Carhartt hat, I'll get comments or whatever of people being like...

wearing the Carhartt doesn't have the Carhartt personality.

Yeah, those people are losers.

And here's why.

Here's why.

The Carhartt hipsters.

They have a flagship store in Manhattan.

I'm sorry, that's not working class.

Soho.

No less.

Yeah, that's you're no longer.

Hi, welcome to Carhartt.

You lost it.

Maybe there was a case there 25 years ago where some guy on a Fixie discovered Carhartt.

Yeah.

But now it's for everybody.

Yeah, the job shut up.

It's gone anywhere.

I don't know.

Carhartt looks too...

Like, are those Carhartt pants?

No, these are...

These I got to target.

To me, Carhartt seems like very, like...

Like...

Very hard.

It seems like it's got a lot of edges on it.

Yeah, it does.

It's like starchy.

I'm more of a big dogs guy.

I love the big dog shirts.

Really?

Oh, yeah.

Big dog.

They still have a shit.

Is that a big dog shirt?

I can't see the logo.

What's on the back?

It'd be funny if there was nothing there.

The back is pretty cool.

Show us the back, Brendan.

I'll show you first.

Take it.

Okay.

What about you?

But it's not even a pun.

American Classic.

No, it's not a pun, but you did get the South Park one.

Did you get the tattoo when you got the shirt of the

57 Chevy?

Big Dogs make you get it.

What is that?

I'll tell you what.

And you're going to laugh.

I got a lot of money.

Are you no fucking idea?

Do you just love diners?

I get that.

You're like, you're getting high off pancakes pancakes at 3 a.m.

and you're like, I got to get a tattoo in this place.

This is going to be a whole sleeve of pancakes.

They're like, do you classic cars?

You're like, nah, I got an eating problem.

I went nuts at a Broadway diner.

Yeah, but why?

Dude, I get tattooed.

I used to get tattoos.

I don't get tattoos anymore.

I love this one, too, at the front.

That's like a puzzle.

It's like a Walmart puzzle.

I get tattoos in the way that people cut themselves.

You know what I'm saying?

Yeah, it's the same thing.

It's the same thing.

Like a girl?

Yeah, a girl or a boy can

cut themselves.

You want to keep looking?

Why'd you get that?

What is that?

Oh, what are you, my fucking dad?

What do you mean?

Why'd you get that?

I don't respect a single tattoo on your body.

You don't like the flamingo?

No, why?

And is it just one arm?

It seems like you've got...

It's one arm.

I have this.

Oh, okay.

I got these guys right in here.

It's a duck.

It's a goat.

It's an octopus.

Oh, okay.

Are you right-handed?

Yeah.

You could say if you had none on the right-hand, that this is for buckets only.

That's what a lot of basketball players do.

Do they really?

If they have the other arm, they say the right is only for buckets.

Yeah, this is only for buckets and fingering and jacking right.

Yeah.

I want to get jerking off of them.

I'm just jerking off a little bit.

I had like 15 swastikas down my forearm, and people are like, what the fuck?

And then I'm like, that's how many Nazis I punched, dude.

Every time I punch one, I get everybody like, they're all like, all right.

You ever see a plane during World War II?

Enough swastikas on your that wouldn't look like swastikas.

It would start looking like

Nazis that you punch.

And they're like, yeah, it's Donald Duck saying them.

Speech bubble.

I had that picture of Donald Duck wearing a swastika as my background of my phone in high school.

Brendan, why?

I thought it was funny.

It is funny.

It's Donald Duck.

It is funny because you're from New York City?

Yeah, baby, Long Island.

Oh, that's funny.

The capital of the world is.

That's not New York City, though.

No, it's.

Yeah.

I was answering you before you said city.

You went, you're from New York?

Yeah.

City.

Yeah.

You had a lot of Jews in your high school?

Oh, yeah, baby.

I'm half Jewish.

Really?

Oh, yeah.

Which half?

Dad.

So that's not the real one, right?

Ways down.

Ways down.

The mom has to be Jewish for it to be.

Yeah, you have to come out of the.

What's it called?

Halakha, Adam?

Oh,

there's an offer.

Halakha.

Yeah, the laws.

It's like Sharia for Jews.

So that makes me a goy?

Am I a goy?

Yeah, I think it was that.

They say it was because Jewish women in the shuttles were raped so much.

Jesus Christ.

That they wanted to...

If it was matrilineal, then they could, like, they made the rule that.

Are there any like Jewish stories that are like nice?

Yeah, Aladdin.

Is Aladdin Jewish?

I used to think he was when I was a kid because he had the kipah.

Oh.

Yeah.

Did he?

I thought he had a turban.

I thought it was a kipah when I was a kid.

Yeah, a fez.

It's not a turban, a fez.

Yeah, a fez.

I I thought the monkey had a.

Does the monkey have a turbo?

They kind of had matching hats.

Yeah.

The dad has the jewel tither one.

The hidden camera.

The hidden camera fucking.

Yeah.

Yeah, but Big Dog is.

I like going to their website because some of them, they're definitely like uncle shirts.

Like there's some cool parody shirts and all that stuff.

But then some of them are like, some of them are like, I'm awake, not woke.

And then it's the dog being like, good.

I like that they're good.

This dog has gotten, don't tread on me.

I went to see Alien Romulus a couple nights ago.

Yeah.

And then I went to,

you know, it's the fucking city point.

So they get to Target, right?

You know, you do.

Maybe I often go to Target.

So yeah, I bought a bath mat.

But I went to Target after seeing Alien Romulus.

And there was like this dumpy guy, probably mid-40s, walking past the t-shirts, and he like stops and then comes back to

the Target shirt that just has the McLoven ID for

Superman in his tracks.

He's like, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa.

Whoa, wait a minute.

Yeah.

I mean, it's like, that's how, like, that's how.

Because if I didn't see that man, right?

If that man did not do that, I would walk past that and I'm like, what?

The Target must be going out of business.

Oh, my God.

What the fuck are they doing?

Making a McLovin shirt now in fucking 2024.

Like, who, do people even remember that reference?

Yeah.

Like, that actor is in prison.

Is he really?

Right?

Of course he is.

You didn't know that.

No, of course he's not.

I would assume.

Oh, okay.

And it was all his idea, the whole Epstein thing.

Right.

It's like, I just feel like unless

there's a machine at Target that's like, Make, we must make Mick Love inserts.

And they're like, well, we don't think anyone's going to buy it.

And it's like, I am the smartest computer.

They'll buy it.

What kind of guy was they're going to buy it?

I mean,

I really don't.

I know it's a cop-out joke-wise to just say, imagine the kind of guy that be buying a week.

This is what I'm imagining.

Can we play a game of.

Yeah, let's guess.

Are you going to play?

I love games.

Okay.

It's a guy that probably listens to weed podcasts.

Weed podcasts?

Yeah, where they just describe, like, okay, this one's really potent strain.

Yeah, the terps.

I would listen to that.

Yeah, right.

Look at the crystals.

Yeah.

Heavy guy, but not heavy, like woman hips body, like Pete Holmes' body kind of guy.

I would say more.

You ever see a guy that's like, a guy that's like, New Year's resolution, I'm going to the gym.

And then their first stop is buying a lime green under armor shirt that makes it, you know, look like somebody put Shrek in a microwave.

You know, like one of those guys.

Buddy, the amount of sports shirts and workout clothes I have

in a corner.

Biggest mistake.

If you're in disgusting shit.

No, don't get the gear.

No, I mean, what am I going to do?

Go to the gym.

If you're new to exercising, go to the gym wearing jeans.

Yeah.

You know, you need to like just.

Mexico style.

Right, yeah, exactly.

Literally, like a Guatemalan guy.

Spider-Man backpack on

while on the elliptical.

You know, like just fully decked out.

So people are like, nobody can say, why is this guy in here?

You're like, good for him.

He's making a change in his life.

Dude, he's just starting.

If you start with buying the shit,

first of all, it's going to look fucking terrible on you.

Yeah.

There's no shirt that's going to fix what your situation is.

Well, I don't know if you guys have this because do you work out?

You guys work out?

I used to.

Constantly.

Do you have that when you go to the gym that you're like, oh man, I'm a, well, I'm like, I'm a fat guy at the gym.

Everybody's kind of like rooting for me.

I know.

That's the thing.

That's why I liked going to the gym when I was younger.

I'm not athletic.

I'm not good at stuff.

And then also I'm like, you know, I can be like self-conscious in public.

Sure.

And then, you know, I'm sure a lot of fat guys, you go to the gym and you think that.

But then everybody is at the gym to do their own thing.

And it's really good practice for like, okay, I'm going to go here.

I'm going to lift an embarrassing embarrassing amount of weight, you know, and like not

do it even like particularly well.

And the most interaction you're going to have is from somebody that's like.

You know that?

Well, yeah, either that or like, hey, you know, I can help you.

Or like, do you need a spot?

Like, people are guys.

Get away from me with that.

There was a guy.

My gym membership is burning a hole in my wallet because the last time I went was like four months ago.

And

this nice black guy just went over.

He came over to me and he was like, hey, man, you want a free training thing?

And I know that that training training is gonna end with him being like, Let's, let's, you gotta pay me next time.

Yeah, he's a trainer, he's just soliciting your business.

I don't want to do that.

I never went back, but that's not a bad guy, that's a guy, it's his job.

No, no, I'm the bad guy.

I'm the bad guy.

So, yours doesn't contradict what I said at all.

Some guy offered to help me, but then he was trying to pay his rent, also.

This fucking black cocksucker.

So, this black guy comes up to you,

yeah, this piss, and he tries to help you,

and then he wants money.

Yeah.

What's wrong with that?

I don't have any money on me, sir.

Yeah.

I go, ah, ah.

No, but that's the lie you tell yourself when you get into the gym.

It's like, you know, oh, yeah, everybody's doing their own thing.

Then, of course, you find out later people are creep shotting you and making fun of you.

Yes.

But at that point, you don't care anymore because you realize the challenge is against yourself.

I just don't want any guy, while I'm not doing the form right, to be like, come on, come on, man, you got this.

I don't want anybody doing that next to me.

It's 20, too.

It's 20.

I used to go into this gym on the lower east side, and there was like a trainer there.

They had a couple of trainers that were like bodybuilders, but they were mostly quiet.

And then there was one guy that was a Guido, like a younger Guido.

He's probably like 27.

And his clients would be like...

probably finance guys or something, you know, like just not, they're like,

their approach to fitness is, I'm going to pay somebody to make me look the way I'm supposed to, you know, which is probably the right move anyways.

Yeah, a hundred percent.

And this guy would go through the circuit with these guys.

He's like, all right, yeah, we're gonna do lap pull-downs, you know, and this guy was huge.

He was like, he looked like that gorilla guy from Jersey Shore or whatever.

Ronnie.

Mirani.

Yeah.

And so, you know, he'd like go through.

One time I overheard him, you know, the guy's like, because I was going around doing my own thing.

Yeah.

And I heard him, and he's talking to like, just a guy that looks like, you know, me or Adam, just kind of a regular looking guy.

And then he's like, we're doing this.

And the next time I heard him, he's like, yeah, you know, I mean, really, it's like

using anything is like that'll really benefit you once you've already reached your kind of genetic limits, you know.

So he's like, telling him about steroids.

The guy asked about steroids, right?

And then the next time I see him, like, I come around the circuit later, he's like, yeah, so what we could set you up with is a six-week cycle.

And he's like selling the guy fucking steroids, you know, like within that one training period.

But the guy was always kind of like unenthusiastic until one time he had a client that was like...

He was a kid.

This kid was like, I don't know how old he was, but he was probably like 15 maybe, but just massive.

Just like this, like, you know, he was like 6'6 and like, you know, kind of heavy set, but you know, like, just like a boy, fat and muscle.

And he was having this kid do like

405 power cleans, his first time in the gym.

And that Guido could not have, I mean, it was like, it was like he was like, like, seeing Frank Sinatra walk his mother, you know, like,

you know, like in the prom with him.

I mean, he was like over the moon.

He was like, yeah, boy, just going nuts, screaming.

He could not be more excited to train.

That's the loudest I've ever heard you be.

Yeah, well, I was doing a character, you know?

Yeah, well, obviously.

And you remember, yeah, boy.

That's the next target shirt.

Yeah, boy.

This guy's going, how many characters are flames?

Yeah, yeah.

I'm at a point with my body where, and I don't know if this is good or bad.

It's probably bad, but like, I don't have that self-hatred anymore.

Yeah.

I mean, I have the self-hatred as just in general of like, it turns into why.

It doesn't exist.

It turns into, because it goes from like, oh, people don't like me because I'm this or this, or these things are out of your control.

Then you get into your 30s and you're like, oh, I'm a horrible person.

I've been bad to people.

Exactly.

Now,

I'm like, I care more about what's going on

inside than if I look in a mirror, I go, I don't think this guy will ever be skinny.

There's nothing you can do.

I don't care anymore.

I'm not like, because you need that motivation to be like, well, let's.

You know, you hear about people that are like looking in the mirror being like, look at you, you fat sack of shit.

And you're supposed to decay.

Don't say like you deserve to look fat.

Like,

I did something wrong.

That was always my big problem with John Kasich.

Is that John Kasich has the hairline of like an eight-year-old boy.

He has this like,

you know, like he's like an extra from fucking

To Kill a Mockingbird, just like a little southern boy haircut.

Right, it goes.

And he's like 65 years old, yeah, and he has like no recession at all, and his hair is too thick, and he has to get a little boy's haircut.

And it just fucking looks weird.

It's like if you're a 65-year-old man, you should have like three hair.

You should look like Homer Simpson.

Right, right.

It should look like your hair is kind of all over the place.

Yeah, you're just fucked up.

Yeah, but I don't know.

I've just...

I also don't want to.

This is me talking myself out of losing weight, but I don't want to have that fucking extra skin.

And I'm past it.

I'm 33.

Yeah, but I don't think you would have extra skin.

I think that happens to people that are like bedridden.

You promise?

I don't

think I would.

I don't think 200 pounds.

Really?

This is more of an indictment of America rather than a compliment to you.

But you're not that fat.

He's the best I've ever heard.

Anytime someone's like, you're not that fat, I'm like, stop.

Yeah.

You know, especially if you say it on podcasts, because that's just fodder for people to be like,

so Nick said you're not that fat.

I disagree very much so.

Yeah.

But yeah, you think I could, I don't know.

Yeah, maybe just take your shirt off and we get a Sharpie and just circle the prom areas.

No, the reality is that

a lot of sororities do that during rush week, apparently.

They're like, maybe you can lose around here.

Did you guys go to college?

Yeah.

Where'd you go?

George Washington University.

Really?

Did George Washington found that school?

Or is it just a matter of time?

I think they just were like, it sounds nice.

Yeah, did he?

Because he didn't go to college.

He just did the Army

stuff.

He just did horse stuff.

Isn't college kind of like a new thing?

No.

No.

Yeah, because Oxford's been around since like the 1300s or something, right?

I think it was like monks went originally.

Whoa.

Did you weren't in a frat or nothing like that?

No, I wasn't in a frat, no.

Did you want to?

It wasn't a big Greek university.

Oh.

Yeah.

Yeah,

there was no frats in the colleges that I went to.

Where did you go?

I went to three colleges.

I went to school visual arts for a semester.

That's cool.

Yeah, and then I got scared and I left.

I was like a spider or something?

Of a guy asking you for money.

yeah.

There was a fly in my house in my dorm room when I'm out.

Um, I would do that if I went, if I paid, what does it cost to go to NYU, like $800 million?

It's like $40,000.

And I go in that dorm and there's a spider.

And I go,

You think Columbia is having problems?

The protests that you'd see for me.

Well, no, I got scared because I was like, what am I doing?

Because I don't want to do this.

There are girls here.

The girls at school visual arts were

not great, though.

What do they do?

They just take naked selfies there?

Yeah.

A lot of them called their boyfriends their lovers and they had like armpit hair, which is fine if you're into that stuff.

And then I went to Nassau Community College.

It's funny when you see a woman with armpit hair because it always reminds me, I'm like, oh yeah, I have armpit hair.

I like forget that I have yours.

Yeah, I'm like, I forget that there's hair.

I don't even think about it.

My hair is, I mean, it's my armpit hair, you can barely see it.

Well, I have hair everywhere else, so I don't like even consider that, but it's like, oh, yeah, that is a thing that people have.

Do you have gray pubes?

Do you guys have gray pubes?

No, I don't have any gray hair.

Do you?

Really?

Yeah.

No, well,

my pubes are like, it's like Pauly from the Sopranos, like gray, gray.

I remember that scene.

I remember that scene in The Sopranos.

When he's like, hey, Tom.

Back in the service.

Check out my pubes.

That's a famous scene.

Paulie's pubes.

I don't want to look at your pubes.

Hey, very good.

I don't want to look at your pubes, Bully.

Come on.

Who did we see before the show today?

Steve Van Zandt.

Yeah, we did.

Which I didn't even know if it was really him.

I saw his body tight.

You saw his pubes.

We were in the men's bathroom and you were like, oh my god, Steve Van Zandt.

His dick was wearing a little do-rag.

Yeah, yeah.

His dick holds that.

I don't know, T.

He's like pissing in a semicircle.

Frowning.

Yeah, he was right outside in a fucking sick-ass jaguar.

I did go downstairs and say hello, and he was non-profit.

If I met him, I'd say, first, I'm like, I got to ask, what the hell does E Street stand for?

Yeah.

And he goes, so it's just a street, the letter E.

I go, of course.

Thank you.

I'd be like, would you be mad if I started a band called the G Streets?

Yeah, that's pretty cool.

I don't care.

I wouldn't care.

You think he's still downstairs?

We should maybe try that one out.

Get him up.

He ran down.

All I had to say was, he could have not even been down there.

And all I I said, I came up and I went, I think Steve Van Zahn is down there.

I thought I saw Jeremy Piven.

I thought I saw Jeremy Piven, and then I quickly realized it was just a man dressed badly.

Which looked nothing like Jeremy.

It was like actual assault.

We had like Elvis sunglasses on, and there was this weird kind of 70s thing.

You know what kind of fashion I really hate that seems a little Jeremy Piven-y.

What?

Is the

boat shoes with no socks?

Yeah.

And like the khakis that show you.

That was like a that was a finance guy thing, right?

Very

Georgetown D.C.

look.

Yeah.

And that's.

Salmon pants.

Yeah, real estate guys dressed like that.

Maybe not finance.

I'll tell you what, though, I've been re-watching Entourage.

Uh-huh.

Not bad.

Greatest show of all time.

You like it?

I've seen every episode.

I don't know if it's the greatest show of all time, but I have seen every episode, maybe multiple times.

I don't like that they're saying their names all the time.

I really want to get into one of those shows.

We're just saying their names all the time.

Every episode, E, Vince, Turtle.

Mama.

But how do you know which character it is?

Oh, I know.

I know what you're saying.

And I watch it, and I go.

You don't like that character.

I know exactly what the writers are doing.

They're trying to get me to remember these guys' names.

Lloyd.

Lloyd.

Yeah.

Gay Asian.

That was a lot of homophobia.

There was so much homophobia.

I mean, you watch it now, and they're like, it's the mid-2000s homophobia where they're like, we're cool with gays, but if one of our friends do that, not good.

Right, yeah.

Everybody, there's a crisis because somebody thinks someone's gay.

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

If you go, dude, if you kiss a guy,

you're gay and retarded.

Yeah, yeah.

They say retarded all the time in that show.

Great show.

You know, when Obama was president, they asked him what his favorite TV show was, and he said entourage.

Let's hear it.

Let's hear it.

What a step down from Tony Soprano.

Just a confidence.

Connected.

Let's hear it.

Let's hear it.

Let me.

Yeah, go.

No, I'm cool.

I just got lucky because all my impressions sound like Tony Soprano.

Let me be clear.

You should just go to the gym and do Tony Soprano.

Just standing next to someone.

Somebody's like, ah, this fat fuck is in the squad rack.

I'm supposed to put the fucking, but you know,

you got to put a dick over there.

You're going to go put it back in the right way.

Yeah.

I'm just trying not to be a fucking fat soul.

You know, whatever.

And people are like, wow, this guy's really good.

AJ.

This guy's really good at the gym.

Yeah.

They go, I actually really like this, what he's doing.

You should have done it for Stevie downstairs.

You're Tony.

I know.

He would have been like screaming and crying and be like, he's back.

He'd be like, get in the car right now.

You're back from head.

He's hugging me.

I'm like, we're bringing the show back.

I found him.

I found him.

I think I know the sound you're looking for.

How mad would be when he points the photo at you?

How mad would people be if they're like, we're doing season seven and you're playing

they don't even bother covering the Coco Nobody

ruins legacy

covering the tattoos, yeah, or the eczema or anything like that.

Let's just trust

your Hot Wheels tattoos on the field.

I go, boy, I love being in the mafia.

Oh, yeah.

I really like being a gangster.

They don't even give me the script.

Yeah.

No content.

I go, I have a wife and I have a kid.

You're crediting as James Gandalfini, too.

Is this James Gandalfini, whatever?

They did that question mark.

The face swap thing, which, by the way, they did that in Alien Romulus to recreate

Ian Holm.

Did you like that movie?

Alien Romulus?

Yeah.

Yes, very much so.

Oh, okay.

Now,

Soder was saying it was crap.

Well, you can't, like, I mean,

there's plenty to complain about.

But, like, I love the movies.

I don't care.

It could have been awful

to get more of the Alien story.

I love those movies.

I'm thinking about the other movies.

I love seeing Alien.

I'm happy to be there.

Truth be told, I couldn't understand the first half of the movie.

There's too many British people in it, and they're all literally.

There's a freaking alien.

No, but it's like Cockney Bray.

It might as well have been in fucking Portuguese.

They're like,

are you going to dying a shit?

Tell me you're done.

It's a fucking Natural, eh?

Totally.

Don't do that.

That legitimately scared me.

No, I just don't.

I I couldn't follow the plot at all.

And the plot's the same in every one of the movies.

It's like, oh, we found an abandoned ship and all the crew is dead.

Maybe there's something interesting on board.

There's a mystery to this whole thing.

What could be on the ship?

Oh, it's the aliens.

It's the aliens, isn't it?

It's the alien.

It's laid eggs and one of the facehuggers is coming to get you.

See, I'm not talking about Romulus.

What is a Romulus?

Is it the ship?

It's the name of the space station.

Oh.

And it's right.

Like, when does this movie take place?

From what I th could surmise, it seemed like in between the first and second movie.

Fuck all that.

I saw it inside out, too.

Pretty good.

So you don't like Alien?

No, I'm not.

I didn't get into it.

I couldn't get into it.

We got to get, so let's have an emergency session with Dan Soder and get him in here.

Dan doesn't.

He said the movies.

He said he liked the movie, and then he talked to DeRosa and

DeRosa.

Don't let that fucking

dad piece of shit.

See, that's all I needed to hear.

That's all I needed to hear is

Joe DeRosa.

Now you've done it.

And just running out of time.

Now you've done it.

What have I done?

He's going to be in a bad mood the rest of the show.

Oh, I'm sorry.

Yeah.

I didn't mean to do that.

Nick got upset when I said that another friend of ours said that the second avatar was good.

The second avatar.

No, it's mostly a problem with Dan liked the movie.

And there'll be a lot of things that it was bad to poison his mind.

Exactly.

What kind of instinct is that?

Joe DeRosa, who lives this fantasy life of making sandwiches.

Sandwiches, yeah.

That's basically 72 virgins for an Italian.

He's just in this sandwich heaven.

And Dan Soder comes in, the nicest guy in the world.

I saw Elliot Romulus.

I really liked it.

And he goes, Okay, here's how I'm going to ruin your afternoon.

Here's how I'm going to take that away from you.

Yeah.

Not only has he ruined that for Dan, he's ruined it for a few.

Like a cancer.

He didn't ruin it for me.

His tricks don't work on me.

Yeah, it's true.

He probably put something in the sand.

Dan was like, I don't know.

I still like the movie.

And he's like, try this.

It's a new sandwich.

It's more more than a fellow woofelin.

Dan's like convulsing.

And he's like, say it was bad.

Say it was bad.

Give me your letterbox account.

Is it time?

Nick, throw me the thing.

Huh?

I think it's time for the reef.

Throw me the thing, please.

Oh.

You have the reef.

You guys share a vape?

Yeah.

Yeah.

We share everything.

Women.

Yeah.

Huh?

Yeah.

I mean, Nick just

dice.

We have a pair of dice, and they're matching.

Dude, would it be funny if we're going to be able to do that?

Whenever we meet up, we touch them.

You go, snake.

It's our secret thing.

We go, the dice brothers.

Yeah, I've heard about this.

You guys are the dice brothers?

Yeah, yeah.

Jesus.

We share a.

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Oh.

Okay, so you had sex twice today.

Yeah, I think I gave you the wrong hand.

So whatever you smelt on this hand was not pussy.

Okay, can I smell the other hand?

No, because it's my, you know, my girlfriend, I feel like that would be.

Oh, it actually does smell like that.

You don't wash your hands or anything?

No, I did wash my hands.

Okay, so it doesn't actually smell like pussy.

I did it as a bit because I was like, oh, I got tricked once again into smelling sex on Brendan's hands.

Brendan, you, you, this jester.

Two different pussies.

Anyway, you guys use Blue Chew.

I've never used it before.

Your mom's pussy.

No.

Brendan, come on.

Not everything is a joke.

Come on.

Come on, you disgusting.

I'm sorry, I kind of zoned out for a little bit.

Oh, it's all right, dude.

I'm back to thinking about Lyndon Johnson.

How's the book going?

I'm on four now.

Yeah.

They're great.

I'm going to be sad when I'm done with them.

Books don't like hurt your eyes.

My eyes are fucked up, dude.

But in general, stupid question.

Books, I just can't.

I like audiobooks.

Don't they hurt your ears?

What the fuck?

Don't audiobooks hurt your ears?

Shut up, dude.

Don't make fun of audiobooks.

I don't want to read.

I'm afraid to go to the bathroom.

Audiobooks are great.

I can't pay attention to an audiobook.

I was listening to, I just finished 50 Cent's book.

Like, I read like a fucking idiot.

50 Shades of Scent.

Is that what it's called?

Yeah.

Smell my fingers.

No, it's like

hustle harder or something.

And he, like, totally throws all of his friends under the bus.

It's fucking awesome.

Really?

He's always like, he's like, Tony Ye-Yo.

Couldn't stop selling Coke.

Still can't.

But his name's Tony Ye-Yo.

His name's Coke.

He's hurt big

stop selling.

Tony Homo.

I'm going to stop having sex with a guy.

Someone needs.

We all need to.

We said we got, oh, 50 Cent can't stop making money.

A little bit.

Well, what about Lloyd Banks?

He can't stop going to the banks of the Ganges River.

It's a holy river.

This is a smart podcast.

Yeah, really smart guy.

This guy's got like...

You read books.

He says things.

This guy's got like placemat knowledge.

He's one of those guys.

He's like Brian Fun Fact Knowledge.

He's like Brian from Family Guy.

Did you know that Barack Obama, when he was president, said that Entourage was his favorite show?

Who?

Barack Obama.

Oh, yeah.

And how would that go, Brendan?

Let me be clear.

Oh, that's good.

I like that.

No, I'll try it.

Let's try it, really.

Let me be clear.

No.

Is that good?

No.

Fuck.

You guys do impressions?

Yeah.

What do you do?

Obama?

I don't want to hear Obama.

What do you do?

I don't really do.

I mean, I can have pro I can't.

Are you good?

He's incredible.

No, no, no.

I have the standard comedian set.

He's like,

I can do an impression that would work on an audience, but other impressionists are like, come on.

You know what I mean?

It's just not there.

Right, right, right.

You got to hear his musk, stupid.

He doesn't musk.

You do.

I don't do musk.

Yeah.

The good impressions I do are people who aren't famous.

I could do his.

He got so upset when he found out his lifelong friends I could do better than him.

Like, after I met him like once or twice, and I just nailed him.

What do you mean, once or twice?

Plenty of dozens.

Let's hear Jonah.

Yeah.

So

he said this funny recently.

Pretty good.

I'm a sucker for that shit.

I don't even know who Jonah is.

Yeah, he's one of Adam's friends.

He's like the DJ.

I'm Jonah.

I'm a fucking idiot.

I don't know.

Oh, sorry.

Yeah, it's crazy.

Yeah, it's one of my friends.

Yeah, so I'm Adam's friend.

I'm a fucking idiot, I guess.

That is funny.

That is funny.

That is funny.

He was like, I just did that.

No, but he's friends with him.

He's better friends than me.

Bring Jonah in.

I'll meet Jonah.

I'm going to hang out with you.

Yeah, I play the music at Fawning Hall.

I'm sorry.

Over to Adam's house.

Yeah, let's hear the damage.

I don't want to do any more.

After my William Hung American Idol.

Oh, dude, I tried to get him to cameo,

and his cameos are expensive.

Really?

Like Like 200 bucks.

What's he spending that on?

Hawaiian shirt.

Another one of those cats.

It's a painting that lights up so it looks like it's raining.

Dude, he was awesome.

Yeah.

You guys should get him on the show.

I actually don't remember who that is.

He did, did Ricky Martin, she bangs.

I know.

Yeah, but I wasn't, that was one of those things culturally where it started with like with this overlap with pop culture and meme stuff where I'm like, I have no interest in this.

Like, and the first sign of that was the quiz no's we like the moon, yeah, hamsters.

People are like, oh, it's their hamsters, and they like the moon, or you know, like, we like the toast, or something like that.

Yeah, they had a they had a slogan that was, like, weird.

William Hung gives, like, that vibe of, like, you know, when pedophile, like vigilante pedophile hunters find a guy and a target?

Like, William Hung kind of gives like why the guys that they would be like, I see those videos.

I see those videos because

they have a British version of, like, it's not a show, it's just a thing they do that's like to catch a predator.

But to catch a predator, it's like a newsman wearing a suit.

Like, if you're a pedophile, you're like, oh my God, is this meet the press?

Right.

You know, like for a second.

And, but the British one, it's like, it's always like behind the fence in one of those, like, the council home suburbs.

Right.

And they're like, you're trying to find, you're trying to fucking snog a fool, you're all.

And they're just like British goons.

And then the guy is always like a mentally disabled Muslim guy.

Well, there's that video.

The guy's like, I'm gonna lose my job.

Yeah.

Did you see that video?

No, but I can imagine they're all pretty much the same.

It's a very famous video of a guy being stopped for being a pedophile.

And he's like, I'm so worried.

And they're like, why are you worried, mate?

And he's like, I'm going to lose my job.

You kind of feel bad for him.

Yeah.

Yeah, me too.

And it's funny too because they call him nonces over there, which is such a casual word that it sort of implies.

Well, it implies that, like, okay, you guys are only now mad about this.

You know?

That guy's a dummy.

Right, well, you call him a nonce.

It's like, it was like, this was

this was, yeah, this was a thing that you really didn't, like, you know, you have a maybe a fun nickname for it, but it's not a crime.

Here, they've always just been pedophiles.

Yeah, that guy's the town nonce.

Yeah, yeah.

Well, even how do you know?

If we were like, if we were like, yeah, you know, that guy is apparently a goofball.

What do you mean by that?

Yeah.

He rapes children.

You'd be like, uh.

Well, they even call it pedophiles over there.

But that's a weird thing because they got extra letters.

So that's the same word.

They just have

that A that's also an E.

That sucks.

Oh, the AE that's together like that.

Yeah.

See, that's a lot of, like, book stuff.

Is it?

That's some book shit.

Oh, okay.

He's pretty much one of the smartest guys.

You're too smart.

Yeah, they call me the genius of

Mr.

Too Damn Smart over here.

Sold them fucking books.

What's the third college you went to?

Oh,

Pace University.

Really?

Yep, Pace.

Is that the one in

Financial Districts?

Yeah.

By the Brooklyn Bridge.

Was it fun?

It was fun.

I didn't really make any friends or anything, and I never got laid.

A lot of Chinese people there?

Tons of Chinese people.

A lot of Asians.

That's really the only thing I know.

About any school.

Yeah.

About any of them.

They're always smoking SIGs outside the library.

Yeah, and they're always like smoking SIGs while Crunch Down.

Remember that girl with the UCLA video where she's like, there's too many Asians in the library.

No.

Which is so fun.

That's like such a funny place to complain about diversity because it's impossible to disrupt anybody.

You know what I mean?

Yeah.

You know, it's like, that's so much more racist than like black people in the movie theater because it's like the presumption is nobody ever complained about black people just being in the movie theater.

It's that they were talking.

It's not all loud.

You know, you know, it's like, oh, the black people were were talking to me.

What were the Asians doing in the library?

Sitting there quietly studying.

Oh, God.

There's too many of them here.

Right.

They're cooking.

Yeah.

No, there were like a bunch of international students in my college that like would just be smoking, chain-smoking stokes, and then they had like supercars.

They had like Aston Martins and stuff.

Yeah.

I think they were just like telling their parents they were going to America.

Is George Washington University a very like expensive school?

This can be the best country if that's an option.

You know what I mean?

Right.

Because people say that.

It's like, oh, yeah, it's the children of Chinese billionaires.

They come here and they just buy degrees from prestigious universities.

And it's like, well, are we doing that?

Like, am I

rich people here just going to India and getting a fucking their PhD?

Like, that doesn't make any sense.

Why are they able to do that?

You start going, does America really have anything that we're like we should be proud of?

Star Wars.

Star Wars.

Yeah, that's good.

Movies.

Think about how many

think about

how many Star Wars properties we have now.

Yeah, Mandalorian.

There's way more than that.

Yeah, yeah.

The people like Mandor?

Mandalorian was like...

The Alcoholes.

People were still excited about it.

They were like, oh my God, a Star Wars show.

They're coming out with a new Star Wars show every six months now.

Sucks.

Yeah, and it's like, oh, it's fucking Han Solo's cousin's secretary.

It's like, they just came out with a Star Wars game that you're like not a Jedi.

You're not anything.

You're just this fucking girl walking around with a gun.

Yeah.

Like, I was like, what's the fucking point?

That was a kind of thing that bothered me about like Alien Romulus, where we've gotten far enough into like, oh, we should have more representation in movies now, where they've gotten kind of lazy with actually, like, all of the characters are very like nascent stereotypes.

Right.

You know what I mean?

So you have the diversity, but then I'm seeing exactly the type of shaved-head Asian girl that's the pilot.

And the female protagonist who's like, has this profound sense of loss that we're barely going to, you know, so she's sort of quiet and always on the verge of tears.

Like, levity.

Yeah, the British black eye.

It's like, there's not like this, could just be a Disney plus Star Wars show.

It's like, you know, you're kind of putting, you're putting them back.

You've just created new boxes, basically.

Yeah, fuck that.

Yeah.

I want just

white guys.

Yeah.

But I say that, and then half the reason I loved Alien Romulus is because the robot this time is basically radio.

Oh, right.

He's like...

He's a mentally.

That's the only thing I've heard about Alien Romulus.

Yeah, no, he's like,

I just want to help as much as I can.

And they're like, oh, yeah, his programming's messy.

Oh, he's a rope-tardy.

Yeah, and he's got like a limp.

And he's like,

I just want to to save you.

And then I'm sitting in the movie theater, like, fucking crying.

I'm like,

oh, Andy gets out of the spaceship.

Did someone build the robot?

Yeah.

So someone just built kind of a robot.

Yeah, I guess he was like an old unit that her dad fixed up or something.

This sucks.

Yeah.

I'm not into it.

No, but I want you to enjoy it.

Just

let yourself be like, yeah.

And then it ends.

He does die, but she's got to get...

The robot dies?

Yeah, but she gets him in a cryopod so that she can take him to the free planet and try and save him.

Dude, fuck this.

I'm not into this at all.

It's good, dude.

I cry in life.

It's good, but go in expecting to see absolutely fucking nothing new at all.

Yeah, I'm going to wear a shirt.

I'm just here for the robot.

Yeah.

I'm just here for the robot.

And I guess you could say that is new.

That's new to me.

I like that robot.

Well, yeah, I mean, most robots in things are like smart, right?

Or gay.

Like C3PO.

Yeah.

But you never see like an insecure kind of like...

That was my biggest complaint.

I've said it on the show probably a billion times about Star Wars.

There's two droids famously from the beginning.

Yeah.

One of them is

like a Swiss Army knife.

He's got tools.

Yeah.

Right.

He's like a video recorder and it can open doors.

He's got wheels for some reason.

The other one walks, but this one has wheels.

And the other one, C-3PO, what he is, is he's a translator.

That's his job.

That's his job.

His job is to translate stuff so they can invent a robot that can translate any language and then they have another robot where everyone has to learn his beep boop language

so the only language we see them speaking is this language of beeping and booping that they had to learn to speak to another robot

they're fully capable of creating robots that can talk right but that one doesn't talk also a lot of the characters in star wars can understand different things like people can understand Chewie.

People can understand Jabba.

Yeah.

Jabba the Hut.

And Jabba the Hut's the one the language they don't really speak.

And that one seems the easiest.

And then, yeah, Chewy's just like, bruh.

And they're like, of course we're going to the wedding.

It's like,

what?

He just screams.

Yeah, right.

All right, Chewy.

You can't even tell the difference between the spirits.

But honestly, that's kind of better because the flip side of that is Avatar where James Cameron's like, yeah, I got a bunch of Indian people to turn their language into a fake blue language and it's real.

And you're like, that pulls me out of the movie more.

No, I can't.

I can't.

I didn't see that movie.

Avatar?

Avatar?

No.

Why not?

I didn't care about that at all.

See, I didn't care about it either.

And that's the other thing.

Again, coming from someone that cried at the retarded robot.

You know, it's like,

if that doesn't work on me.

Do you cry a lot in movies?

No, no, not really.

It has to be really dumb shit.

Do you cry a lot in movies?

Yeah.

Constantly.

Big crier.

Yeah, constantly.

That's why I like it.

I know.

I watch Life is Beautiful, and I'm like, you're right, it is.

It's like the Amy Schumer vehicle.

No feeling whatsoever.

But yeah, something where...

I watched that movie, Coco, the Pixar movie, on a plane once, and I scream-cried.

It was so good.

They had to lower that.

It's so nice.

They teach kids what dying is in the nicest, sweetest way.

They're like, if someone dies, you have to remember them, and that's how they can keep living.

I'll tell you what, and I mentioned it before, we kind of just went right over it, but inside out,

okay, let's move right along.

Yeah, you've tried to bring this up a couple of times.

And we know every time you bring yourself up.

We know you're going to be like, the little girl was so hot.

I just have to fucking

sorry.

I'm a bit of a goose.

We tried to.

What's the new emotion in Inside Out?

Horny?

Rage.

Is it like a tense?

Anxiety.

Anxiety?

Oh, anxiety.

Anxiety started with politics.

Like shame or something.

Wrath.

This is the new Inside Out 2.

Glossy.

Busting.

No, I want to see Inside Out 3 where it gets real fucking horny.

Yeah.

It gets real teenager shit.

Everyone's fighting.

Yeah.

All the emotions.

Busting.

We killed the blue one.

Busting has thrown this world into chaos.

Busting.

A new emotion.

Busting.

Busting.

You go, oh, God.

Everything's so sticky now.

Busting.

That is really,

you know, that is the primary emotion for about three years of your life.

Busting.

I'm still feeling that.

Really?

Oh, yeah.

You had to.

You're giving me the wrong hand again.

Oh, yeah.

No, but it's your girlfriend.

Oh, yeah.

I don't want to do that.

That's actually.

I don't want to respect her.

No, you said you weren't going to, and then you did it for the bit just now.

It is a little bit disrespectful.

Yeah, you're right.

Does it actually smell like your girlfriend's?

No.

I wash my hands.

So you guys are just on the fingering stage of hooking up?

Yeah, she doesn't really touch me.

I just kind of like finger around through a hole.

Now we're banging.

You're banging?

Yeah.

You're busting.

I'm busting.

You're busting.

Inside out three.

Things more inside.

More inside than ever.

Is your girlfriend a celebrity?

Have you ever heard of Candace Zowens?

Yes.

No, that's not who you said it was.

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

You said Tila tequila.

I thought you said that.

Dude, I want to date Candace and get that like white boy dating a black girl glow up.

You know what I'm saying?

And what would that mean?

What does that mean?

You never heard of that.

You're just like sitting in a shirt.

You kind of have that

white boy dating a black girl.

Yeah, dude.

Look this up, man.

There's a whole fucking thing happening where white dudes that date black girls get this glow up.

That's like...

What is like Jersey?

Like Mitchell and Ness.

They just

loudly yawn.

Shoe polish.

Yeah, just like one of these fucking real cut-up haircuts and shit.

I don't think she dates a Wave Check white boy.

No, no.

I'd be whiter for dating her, I think.

Candace?

I don't really know anything about her.

I think she's great.

What does she do?

I don't know.

Yeah, me neither.

She's like a podcaster?

I think she's raw.

Do you know?

No, she's like Howard Stern.

She used to work at Daily Wire, and then she got fired by Ben Shapiro for criticizing Israel.

Oh, I thought she's Howard's co-host on the Howard Stern show.

Was she one of the Destiny's children?

Yeah.

I don't know.

I think that was her.

I don't know anything anymore.

I think she's running for president in the Democratic Party.

It would be funny if she replaced Trump.

And it was Kamala and Candace.

That would be fucking sick.

Yeah, and no black women vote.

Neither of them.

Everyone else is like, I'm doing this for black women.

Are you guys voting?

Yeah.

I haven't decided.

I probably will.

And I said this before.

It's just because it's so easy.

I live right next to a polling place.

Oh, really?

Yeah.

So I voted before just because I'm like, oh, there's voting today.

I'll go vote.

Is it like a polling place year-round or something?

No, it's a school.

Oh, yeah.

I don't know.

I'm like that retarded robot.

I'm like, you love Fred.

Sorry.

Would you be able to vote there all year?

That is a sick impression.

I don't even know that robot, and that's a really good impression.

Yeah, that's pretty exactly.

Yeah, you could change your whole face.

You got to start doing some impressions, dude.

I have impressions.

Hit me.

Obama?

But I love Delene Alien Romulus.

I'll see it.

Do you like the other movies?

I've never seen one of them.

Oh, really?

I haven't seen anything.

Yeah, well, then, yeah, then it's not your thing, dude.

No.

Unless it's animated inside of a teenage

head.

I fucking loved Prometheus.

I loved Covenant.

I thought both of them were awesome.

Yeah.

Yeah.

And it's like both of them, like, especially Prometheus, it leaves all these unanswered questions.

And then Covenant comes out and it just adds more, doesn't resolve, like, hardly anything.

Yeah.

And there's all of these, there's things that are just glaring.

It doesn't make any sense.

But I don't care.

You know, it's like the premise they establish is there's this like race of like super humanoid gods that drank the poisonous black goo to disintegrate themselves and seed the earth with humanity.

Cool.

And then they were gods and then they disappeared.

And then they use a star map.

This guy Pierce plays like a fucking old man that wants to find them so that he can figure out how to live longer, you know?

Yeah.

So, and then they have a crew, they go find this home planet, and they find the one living engineer on this planet with all of this stuff that's starting to make people sick.

And he's like, How do I live longer?

And then the alien just kills him immediately.

And then they find out this is a military base where they were planning the invasion of Earth.

They were going to kill everybody on Earth.

So somehow the gods that created people have now decided they're going to kill all of them.

But why?

It's like, I don't know.

Maybe because we stopped believing in them or something.

It's like, like, it's just not.

Well, that's cool, actually.

But even then, it's like, I don't really care.

Just the fact that they're adding stuff to the alien story.

Yeah.

It's like, I like this.

I like it.

Yeah.

I want to know more.

I don't care that it doesn't make sense.

It's like comfort for you.

Yeah.

Yeah, there's certain franchises that are comfort franchises.

Like Planet of the Apes is like a comfort franchise for me.

I'll go see any of those movies.

See, I don't like that because it's like, if I went to fucking space, dude.

Can you imagine how much bullshit it would be if you went to, you almost died in a vacuum with your blood boiling?

You know, you're going on a, you're getting on an experimental ship, your odds of survival are like one in 10 million.

Yeah.

And you get to some distant planet and it's just fucking talking monkeys.

I'd be like, all right, this is.

But actually.

This is fucking.

I could have gone to Denmark.

I don't know.

Like, why the fuck is this?

This is what space has, is chimpanzees that like talk

and have a society that's just ours, basically.

There's no difference.

And they don't even have to do that.

They don't even have a new type of politics.

Right.

Just invented.

They're like democracy.

Yeah, right.

Yeah, I know.

They're still into democracy.

Oh, and

one of them's the chief scientist.

Great.

Let's.

Yeah.

Because you have nothing different.

Your jails are all the same.

Yeah.

Is the new franchise also an astronaut?

Because I thought it's that there's a war.

It's all like prequel.

Yeah.

I love the new franchise.

I don't even think the original one is where he goes to a different planet.

It's like he travels time.

He realizes, yeah, that it's Earth, and then he does damn you all to hell.

Yeah, he goes, they took it all.

Damn you all to hell.

Even as a kid, I kind of thought Charlton Hesson sucked.

I never really liked him.

Because you're anti-gun.

I did know him as that as a kid.

I knew him as the NRA guy.

Yeah, he was the NRA guy.

He loses this.

Yeah, he's just an unlikable guy.

I think he's kind of cool.

I like that his voice sounds like that.

No, there's something.

There's something like

a femininity to him where he's like a woman that had an overbearing, or not overbearing like an overprotective libertarian father.

You know, like this, I don't know what you mean.

You know what?

He's like a Fox News lady.

That's what Charlton Hesson says.

He's like rebelling against.

Yeah, it's like, actually, racism is good.

Like one of those women, and it's like, somebody should just beat the fuck out of you.

You know what I mean?

Because you say all these things assertively.

The things that, like, if you were a man, somebody would kick your ass.

And you're not threatened by that at all.

Cold Dead Hands is very melodramatic.

But he also, that wouldn't happen.

You know what I mean?

Yeah, his big public disputes are with what Gore Vidal,

okay.

Tough guy, you knew I could beat Acho, right?

Yeah,

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And we're back to the show, Nick.

Oh, oh, how's the book?

Well, I don't know.

I mean, those reads should go on longer, so I have more time to.

How far down did you get?

We got shorts on the board.

I read every three sentences.

Brandon, why don't you talk about what it says on there?

Life is shorts.

Life is shorts.

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Although I feel dread now.

You feel dread?

Yeah.

I don't know.

Yeah, I don't know.

What's your biggest fear?

Yeah, it's just sort of a pun where they use the words.

Yeah.

Yeah.

But it's also like kind of it's a join the shorts stoffle.

Life is short.

You want to do that?

I don't know.

I understand it's a shorts pun, but then.

Okay, life is shorts.

We built these lounge shorts to do it all, or nothing at all, with the perfect blend of cotton.

I don't know what that word is.

Let's see.

And just sound it up.

I'm so embarrassed.

Yeah, spell it elastic.

Viscosi.

Viscosi?

Visconti, the director?

Oh, Viscos.

Yeah, this is a tough one.

Yeah, it's a hard word.

Viscos.

And spandex.

Let's just skip to.

You've done that.

You should have acted a little bit.

Yeah, cotton and silk.

I don't know.

I felt like there was a rule that I can't.

No, you don't.

There are no rules.

I haven't read that rules.

It's every man for himself.

There are no rules.

Okay, when it comes to reading, it's every man for himself.

I remember

I like this guy on here where he's like, man, I love playing the game.

Yeah.

Okay, soft for lazy days, built for frantic errand running, and styled for honoring leg day.

This is pretty cool.

You can keep those.

I'm going to rent a boat in Central Park this fall.

A duck boat?

You know, one of the little boats.

At the boathouse.

Let's do it today.

Actually, it's not really fall yet, and no.

What?

Oh, I can't wait for fall.

It's the best.

What do you mean, and no, like that?

I mean, and no.

You're going to do it yourself.

By myself, yeah.

You weren't just alone?

By myself, yeah.

And what are you going to do while you're out there?

Read your book.

Read your little electric book.

Here's the best thing about renting a boat at Central Park Boathouse.

They have no way of getting you to come back from the middle of that lake.

They have no Coast Guard.

They have no Coast Guard.

They have nothing.

You rent that boat.

It's yours as long as you brought enough food and you know how to fish.

You bring a fishing rod.

You had a fishing rod in your clothes,

so the hook is just coming out.

Yeah.

I'd like one boat, please.

And there's just like a police standoff.

There's like a sniper on the floor.

Now, of course,

there's no fish in the lake, obviously, but you can hook somebody's, you know, like you can see somebody walking by, they've got a Snickers or something.

Yeah.

shoot a harpoon at it yeah you can you can uh you can get him i'm so down for i'm just i'm pulling a chinese family into the lake

you get the dad trying to save him you're just

dragging them

release him back

i'll do this with you i don't know you if you want to release it no he said alone

all right can he do it with you and then what would the new york Post headline be?

We got to figure that out.

A guy.

Jay and Silent Bob.

You'd be the guy who was a guy.

No, a gay, yeah, a gay guy in a boat.

Yeah, yeah.

Yeah.

In Central Park, and he's dragged an Asian family to drown in the water.

Yeah.

Gong fishing.

Gong fishing's good.

But where's the gay part of it?

Something with wheat.

We're going to need a bigger boat.

We're going to need a bigger

gay guy caching.

I think gong fishing is the best.

No.

Personally, I'll have a

H-O-M-O-S

Chitanic.

Yeah.

That's sick.

Yeah.

I think that would just seem schizophrenic, though.

The New York Post is a little better than that.

No, no, no, no, no, no, no, that, that, that, the gay guy on a boat catching Chinese people.

That's a song.

That's not a headline.

You can't really put that in a headline.

Yeah.

Unless you put one of those little things that they put in cards and then you open it up.

You know what I'm talking about?

Like, they play music when you open the card up.

Like they do in the newspaper all the time.

They should do that.

They should do that.

Make the newspaper.

I mean, the newspaper is a a dying fucking.

We got one of those cards in the mail, addressed to my girlfriend, and you open it up, and it was Mayor Adams trying to recruit prison workers.

It was like, join up at, like, work at Rikers Island.

And there was like a hip-hop song.

It was like, like, sign up

for the prison cards.

Addressing my girlfriend.

Oh.

It was bizarre.

I would feel.

And now she's over in rikers island with those rough customers they haven't been with a lady they haven't been with a lady in years

licking their lips my my shrink told me he used to work in the in the court system and he's like you wouldn't believe how many people they just lose in like the nyc like uh like prison system and he's like he had so many clients that were just sitting on a bench for like three weeks that they were like we don't know where this guy is.

What do you mean, like in the...

He'd work with like schizophrenic people that were like going to trial and they'd find people like after weeks and he was just like a guy that was just sitting on a bench at Rikers.

Like just completely lost in the mess.

Yeah.

Jesus.

It's insane.

You ever been arrested?

No, never.

Hopefully never.

I'm still thinking about that.

You're still thinking about the news.

Yeah, something geijing and then

I get you Chinese and gay.

See, if

If we had a newspaper together,

I'd be like, I like every single thing you're doing.

Whoever does that at the New York Post, they've got to be a god around that office.

Oh, yeah.

That's Robert Rudford's character in the New York Post movie.

Yeah.

Yeah.

He comes in.

Just goes, hmm, hmm.

What is it about again?

Yeah.

Gay guy on a boat.

Hmm, hmm.

You still don't have an answer, do you?

I can't do it.

I can't do it.

That's not how my brain works.

Real rod.

I'm trying to think of other fishing stuff.

I don't have

trolling real rods.

Yeah.

Look, I'll just type it up.

I'll be your spelling guy.

Make sure everything's spelt correctly.

I'll be the editor.

Big

gay mouth Billy

Bass.

Fuck.

You're so fucking close, dude.

You're so close.

that really scratched a part of my brain.

Ugh, the big mouth billy bass.

But that's not a fishing thing.

That was a novelty gift.

God damn it.

Uh

octnopus.

Octnopus.

Yeah, but how's it Chinese?

Chinese people love to eat octopus.

Yeah, okay.

Alright.

Tentacle porn.

I feel like that's your reach.

Come on, dude.

We're so close.

I can taste it.

Um.

You just focus on your stuff.

Okay.

You can be better used to us saying something about

fucking something that's not.

While we're thinking about it, I want you on this.

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What did you say?

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Let's see what we're doing.

I'm thinking like, I don't know.

I'm saying like LGBTQ, but the L's and R.

You know?

Yeah, but that only gets you gay in Chinese.

Gay in Chinese is very easy to do.

You got to get the fishing in there, too.

Gay Chinese boat.

If there was a gay Chinese boat.

I mean, here's what I'm thinking.

I had something like maybe tackle boxer Rebel Wilson.

That's pretty good.

Rebel Wilson, gay.

Boxer Rebellion, Chinese, tackle box.

Fishing.

I thought about Rebel Wilson's gay Pearl Neckler.

She has to be.

Pearl Necklace Harbor.

Pearl Necklace.

Pearl Necklace is just gay.

Yeah.

Yeah, it's more with a girl with breasts.

See?

I'm bad at like name and stuff.

Okay, no, no, no, no,

you're good.

You're good.

No, thanks.

You're good at this.

Thank you.

This is fucking hard.

Yeah.

Boats and harbors.

Oh, how about this?

Fish and

boop.

C-H-I-N-K-S.

Comma, govna, question, right?

And then it's more like a New York Post headline.

And then it's not gay, but it's British.

So it's pretty close.

Oh,

British whole thing to it.

This is British.

British is close enough.

British is close enough.

And it does feel like a New York Post headline.

Fishing boop, Govna.

Yes.

I'm down with that.

Should we print that?

Gay to have me, my boats and

ch choes.

That's pretty good.

Boats and chose.

But what it's a Chinese guy named Cho.

The Cho is the Cho family you've attacked with your rod.

You're gay.

So it's gotta have me, my boats and hoes.

Gay to have me.

Gay to have me, my boats and chose.

Yeah,'cause he's gay.

I think that's great.

I don't even think we need to explain it.

No, no, no, no, no, there's a there's a better one.

Dude, I

Brendan, help us.

I'm trying.

You're the best in the business.

Help us.

Oh, God.

Surf and turf.

No.

Well, the turf is cock because it's mean.

Surf is

fish.

Ugh.

Damn, dude.

How about catch AIDS and release?

Catch AIDS.

That's pretty good.

Yeah.

And Chinese, you need Chinese in that.

Oh.

And re-rease.

Catch AIDS and Re-Rease.

I know, but that's too...

You gotta go...

You gotta get something else in there.

Sorry, yeah.

Like Big Blue Sea, but you say

gay.

Are there movies about fishing?

Big Blue Ball Sea.

There are movies about a ship.

Are there fish?

Yeah, but that's about a shark.

That's not about a fish.

Yeah, it's a completely different kind of movie.

Yeah.

I've said two jaws.

I only know about one movie, and it's about jaws.

Yeah.

But jaws could also be like jaws for cock.

Okay.

Like unleash your jaw for penis.

Deadliest cratch.

Deadliest catch.

Deadliest.

That is good.

Deadliest catch.

We said we're not doing that.

We're not just slopping and swapping L's and R's.

L and R is too simple.

I agree.

The fans.

They deserve better.

Hmm.

I don't know any other movies about fishing.

Moby Dick.

So the dick is gay.

How are there not any movies about fishing?

Grumpy Old Man, isn't that about fishing?

It's about grumpy old men.

Dude.

I think we need to focus more on what would the New York Post headline be.

Yeah.

And not so much just gramming all of these things in there.

Okay.

Right, right.

I mean, gay to give me my post.

I got it.

I got it.

I got it.

One fish, two fish, gay fish, Chinese fish.

This is going to be one of those situations where we're like, Nick, let us go home, man.

No, we can't go home until this.

Yeah.

I'll be fucking, I'll hear.

I'll be here all night.

Yeah.

I don't give a shit.

I got nothing.

I got nothing to nobody.

All right, we'll move on.

We'll table that for now.

I don't think we can move on.

I'm going to go back to reading.

Yeah, what the hell would the New York Post headline be if a gay guy accidentally drowned an Asian family in Central Park?

Because

that story is right up there.

Right.

Okay.

You can't get any better than that.

I think, you know what it would be, honestly?

It would just be fuck the migrants.

Okay.

Queen Mary, the queen, who's a gay.

Something about the Queen Mary.

It's a boat.

So, yeah.

Not a fishing free boat.

It's cruise.

Not fishing at all.

But it's a boat.

But it's not fishing.

But it's not fishing.

A Mary is also like it's an old school term for a homosexual.

Uh-huh.

What if it said

har-poon?

Question mark.

No, thank you.

I'm Chinese.

Yeah.

Like, poon, no thanks.

I'm gay in Chinese.

Their real headline would be something like, oh, no, no, your boat.

You know what I mean?

Yeah.

Don't even try over there.

Yeah, yeah.

I'd be homo, know your

homo your boat?

Row.

Row, homo,

row, homo, row your boat.

Homo, row.

Homo youro.

Row?

No, it has to start with row.

Row,

is that what makes it Asian?

How about R-O-E?

Because they eat fish eggs.

R-O-E, homo, your boat.

Roe, homo, your boat.

Oh.

Is that what makes it Asian?

The row, as close as you're going to get.

That's not Chinese.

Lo, homo, your boat.

You guys are.

I would say row, row, homo, your boat, or homo, row your boat.

Well then you would need one of the rows has to be replaced with something Chinese.

Which is very easy.

Yeah.

Hero homo your boat.

Although that's a little simple and I know that we're not

going that way.

We could change the subject.

That helps.

No.

You know, maybe get away from it.

Step away from it.

And then maybe you'll think about it while we're talking about something else.

When I would do this at the Pentagon, we would have to do that often.

When we came up with the New York Post headlines at the Pentagon.

That's probably where it is.

It's not even a guy in the New York Post.

You just get an email from the CIA.

Half their black budget just goes to coming up with the New York Post headlines.

Speaking of migrants, you hear about those.

No.

But go on.

There's Vietnamese migrants that are taking over apartment buildings in Aurora, Colorado, and the Hell's Angels are heading over there to start a war with them.

That's what it's so funny.

I've never heard like the MAGA people or whoever, they'll be like, oh, these fucking migrants, and I hate crime and all this.

And then they hear a story about a white gang going to enact gang violence on people.

And they're like, yeah.

It's like,

all right, well, like, that's exactly what I'm talking about.

That's what gangsters do.

Yeah, and they're like all

these videos I see of like the Hells Angels driving there.

They're just all like old guys.

They are.

I'm just like young Vietnamese migrants.

Yeah, well, the bikers are like that.

The bikers are old.

Yeah.

Scary.

They are scary.

Are they?

I don't know.

If a bunch of Hell's Angels walked in here and they.

I know a lot about it because I was a big fan of that show Sons of Anarchy.

Oh.

I used to watch a lot of Sons of Anarchy.

Which the guy Opie from that is in God of War Ragnarok.

That fucking game rules.

It's an awesome game.

Yeah.

You play video games?

Sports ones, FIFA, Madden.

He says that every time, but then he doesn't even play those.

Yeah, I do.

I played last week.

No, you didn't.

Yeah.

Yeah.

No.

He doesn't believe you.

They call this guy Queen Lafifa.

His nickname around.

Hell yeah.

No, I don't play any sports games.

I downloaded NBA 2K, and I couldn't even get past the tutorial.

I have no idea what's going on.

I don't know how to do this.

Fish, fish, chang, chang.

Oh,

gay.

Sorry.

Yeah.

Apology accepted.

Fish, bitch.

I thought about fish bitch, too.

When you said that, I went

fish, bitch.

And the Chang family is.

God damn it.

Let's just get it, and then we call it a day.

Maybe Pete's got some ideas.

I mean, you'd have to go a lot.

It's It's very slur-heavy.

But you start off with hook, line, and stinker.

That's it.

That is it.

I mean, the headline would just be a bunch of asterisks.

Yeah.

Yeah.

Hook line and

stinker.

You got to make some of my stinker.

No, the first word is the slur.

Hook?

Oh.

But there's word ever in nom.

Yeah, but they're not part of this.

It's a gay guy fishing for Chinese people in Central Park.

But you see what I'm saying.

While he's trying to just sit out on a boat and not return it.

C-H-I-N-K-E-R.

That's not...

Bookline.

No, you got to use Sinker for something with Stinker.

I'm sorry that I...

Twinker.

No, I'm sorry.

Twinker, Twinker, Twinker.

That's what it is.

Okay, so let's go from the top.

G-boop.

G-boop.

And

Twinker.

Twinker.

And Twinker.

All right.

Thanks a lot, everyone.

This has been the Adam Tweet Line Show.

Brendan, where can people see you?

At Brendan Sagalow, I have a special out called Thin Lips.

Guys, I will be.

There's some tickets, a couple tickets left to the fourth show in London on the 21st, I believe, of September.

It will be at Irvine Improv, at the Irvine Improv September 19th through the 21st, and in Boston at the Wilbur Theater on, I think, the 27th.

Nice.

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