The Adam Friedland Show Podcast - James Donald Forbes McCann - Episode 68

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Welcome to the Adam Freeland Show podcast.

We have JD McCann today.

It's great to be here.

JD.

JDF.

Two middle names.

I thought it would be the opposite of like Madonna.

You know, it's

fancy people can go by one name, and that if I went by four names,

that would make me seem humble.

John Jacob Jenkelheimer-Schmidt.

His name is

not my name.

But very close.

You have a podcast.

You want to promote it?

James Donald Forbes McCann Catamaran Plan.

I'm trying to buy a boat.

$500,000.

We're a long way away.

What is a catamaran?

It's the one with two puns in the middle.

It's with a net, right?

It It can have a net in the middle, but it's two hulls, we would say.

Yeah.

Two hulls?

Hull.

Hull.

Hull.

H-U-L-L.

You said it right.

He's being an asshole.

I don't know where the accent is.

Not an answer, really.

I can't say water.

I can't say.

That sounds like water.

We speak the same language.

That's true.

Well, I keep saying we throw that in the bin, and people look at me like I'm a little bit more.

He's so used to just having other people's words in one ear, out the other, that there's no context to it.

So we're talking about a boat, and I say, it's the one with two pontoons and you go it's got two hulls.

Now if you're listening to the conversation

now.

Yeah yeah.

If you're listening to the conversation you know we're talking about boats and you say we would say hulls and then he goes holes well is it kind of a comedy podcast thing that I'm on purpose, I knew you said I mean it's the one thing you don't want and I was like oh is that like a

pussy and a butthole you know and it wasn't very funny but yeah okay floaca I rescind my complaint I didn't realize you were joking.

Yeah, of course it was a joke.

I thought you were

racist towards a boat.

Why would a boat have a hole in it?

It's the worst thing for a boat to have.

Why was it an Indian person on last week, and they were like, I can't wait dog dinar?

And he's like, Dinar?

Dinar.

What is Dinar?

I thought that was a currency that they have.

You had an Indian person on last week.

Yeah, we did.

Modi.

The Prime Minister.

He's keeping India strong.

He is.

Yeah.

I have big conversations with every Uber driver I have about Modi.

Really?

Yeah, like.

He came here and did like a Nazi rally, and there was like,

didn't he do it at like Madison Square Garden?

You remember that?

In like 2015, there was like this big Indian

list event.

Yeah, they hate Muslims, right?

He didn't do that.

They go quiet about their hatred of Christians, but they're a very strong.

They don't like us for eating the cow.

And they're a big, strong anti-Christian, anti-

Did you see RRR?

Propaganda.

Triple R?

Yeah.

No.

There's like a

movie out there.

It's like you know the wrestler, Triple X?

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

It's like him, but he's retarded.

Yeah, yeah.

Like Triple H?

Yeah, Triple H.

Hold on.

I was saying, or the movie Triple H.

The joke works either way.

The movie Triple X.

I'm following.

It's a guy that's retarded instead of being into skateboarding.

Well, they had Eugene.

That was their last big experiment into retarded wrestlers.

Oh, is that a wrestler?

I don't know anything about wrestling.

Oh, that was the last great era of wrestling.

Was Eugene.

There was a man who would be retarded who would come out and was really good at wrestling, but he couldn't match shit up correctly.

Strong, knew all the moves.

Was he playing retarded or was he?

I think he was playing.

Yeah, because that's dangerous because they could accidentally of Meissen man like, you know,

like, you know, he doesn't know his own strength.

Oh, no, that was the thing.

The rocky was almost the radio.

When he was like choosing his persona.

Yeah.

Because the football thing.

Well, the movie had just come out.

Yeah.

You know, and he was.

And he was a football player.

He was like, I got to decide.

I got two choices.

All the catchphrases still work.

Yeah.

I'm going to shove it up.

Y'all can ask.

I want some candy.

Doesn't he say that?

What is the rock smelling?

What you cooking, Mama?

The rock has come out.

Smell good.

Santiago.

I smell good.

That's what a special man would say.

Yeah, right.

But then they left that.

They left the.

Everyone in wrestling now just seems like a normal person who wants to wrestle.

Yeah.

I checked back in with wrestling recently.

I never really,

it's not good.

They don't have star power anymore.

I never really got into wrestling.

And I'll bring this up to people who are into wrestling.

And to me, it's such an interesting thing.

And they're like, yeah, of course.

But there was a guy named Mr.

Ass.

When was that?

That wear underwear that says, hey, pal, look at my ass.

What era?

That was a good conceit back in the...

I assume that's the attitude era.

Yeah.

No, I think it was early.

What is the attitude era?

Late 90s?

That was WWF.

Yeah.

Yes.

And then there's a beautiful Renaissance right up until Chris Benoit murders his family.

Yeah.

And then there's a little sour taste.

I said, oh,

I was on a bus from Pittsburgh to Cleveland next to a man who was on speed.

And he spoke to me about Chris Benoit murdering his family for two and a half hours.

And he was saying that every wrestler was his uncle.

He was like, Kurt Angle, he's my uncle.

Do you remember all the Samoan wrestlers?

He was my uncle.

We start adding it together.

You're like, we're taking this bus.

And he's like, what bus?

It was.

Yeah, he showed me his girlfriend who was a Filipino pop star.

But he was on speed.

He let me know he was on speed at the start of the bus ride.

Oh, he disclosed.

And it's like that thing of you don't.

You know what?

Lying is wrong under all circumstances, but how much do you buy into a man's psychosis when you can't escape?

Anyway, it was great.

Yeah.

So Chris Banwell.

You have to agree with everything, though, if you're in that scenario.

He was like, there's God, but there's the devil.

And they're both good guys.

And we should be paying them both respect.

From the yin and yang.

Yes, he knows that's if you read enough of the Dow, that's what you turn into.

There's this man.

I feel bad talking about him just because he was such a sweet boy.

He was going to go to wrestling school.

You described him as a man on speed, but now he's a boy.

Was this a young man?

I mean, it was hard to tell because I think he'd done some hard living, but he was somewhere between 22 and 47 years old.

You never know.

Mercy me.

He had the chops and the moustache.

Dude, was he buff?

No.

No.

No, not at all.

He didn't have a body for wrestling even.

He was probably.

He was going to get one.

He was going to get one.

He was sure that he was going to get one.

And he told me he was strong.

And I gave him my Instagram, I didn't know he wanted my phone, so I gave him my Instagram handle.

And then it's great to meet you, JD.

Within a couple of days, yes, he calls you JD.

He wiped his Instagram.

I tried not to tell him my name, but I assume he did.

That's our thing.

I hope he's all right.

Yeah, I would never do that with him.

This is special with us.

It's our special thing.

Last night I went to a movie premiere thing at MetroGraph, and afterwards, I was in the same room as Elvis.

Not to brag.

Austin Butler.

Oh, right.

But the interesting thing was, I looked at him, I was like, oh, golly, wow, look at him.

Look at this beautiful Elvis over there.

And every girl I was with was like, he's unattractive.

And every guy I was with was like, he looks so good.

But I think that there is a type of handsomeness I just discovered last night that's just for guys.

Sure.

I didn't realize.

I think there's one other example of a handsome guy.

I think that Ryan Reynolds and what's his name?

The fucking fucking Blade Runner guy.

Barbie movie.

Ryan Reynolds?

Ryan Gosling.

Ryan Gosling, yeah.

No, women love the Ryans.

I think that's AstroTurf.

You know the opposite.

I'll tell you the opposite.

I think that's like the main thing.

What is it?

Is Timothy Shelley?

It's a conceit that, you know, like

men will be like, oh, look how hot that guy is.

And it's like, in what sense?

And you're like, on paper, right?

Like, my understanding of it.

It blew my mind.

Every girl was like, no,

he's not hot at all.

I was like,

what the hell?

He's beautiful.

But I think it's just for us.

For the fellas.

I was walking on the street behind two male models earlier today.

Very funny.

Listening to their conversation.

All I picked up was one of them goes, how crazy would it be if all the homies showed up in colored contacts?

So cool.

It's just that living Zoolander.

I wish

they were good.

It was good stuff.

Both of them very handsome and then just these sort sort of like wafish bodies to just drape clothes on.

It is weird when you see the supermodel.

I saw one on the subway, I believe, today.

They had the same gait as like

you know, like old Texas guys, for whatever reason, in like the 50s, there was this idea of masculinity where you had just this kind of skeletal, like weak body, particularly the lower half where they have like rickets or like some sort of bone disease.

Well, they have like spurs.

They're just saying,

like,

like a marionette.

Who's the North by Northwest guy?

Who's that?

Is that Carrie?

Albert Carrie Grant.

I wish it was Albert Brooks.

That would be wonderful.

Yeah.

It would be a much funnier movie.

But there are whole scenes based around him being so handsome that, like, there's a woman in a hospital bed who cannot believe she's seeing such a handsome man.

He looks like an old

skinny man.

Yeah.

He looks funny.

Who's

It's a Wonderful Life?

Jimmy Stewart.

Jimmy Stewart is portrayed as a very sexy man.

He doesn't look good to me.

Yeah.

Well, they would do that.

I mean, the best of that is Humphrey Bogart back in in the 30s.

Yes.

Just this guy that looks like a janitor.

But then he stops.

And he's like, listen, I love Rio.

People are like, oh, stop.

Stop.

Humphrey Bogart wasn't dancing.

Stop, Mr.

Fuck me, Mr.

Bogart, please.

Yeah.

No, go away.

I think the opposite of the Elevis guy is the bear guy.

Because when his Calvin Klein underwear came out, I was like that commander.

He looks like shit.

He looks like a rat, and his body looks like a penis.

No, it's the red cat.

Like a veiny shit.

It's Brana Carpenter's boyfriend.

Who is that guy?

He's a very John Carpenter.

John Carpenter.

They're bringing the band back together.

They've got to watch the NRSC of the soundscapes.

I like to imagine John Carpenter.

He's like at a family event and it's like maybe it's it's maybe it's a distant cousin or a cousin, right?

And it's Thanksgiving, but the guy, you know, he's not doing as well as John Carpenter, so the house is kind of small, right?

So they all have a big meal.

And John Carpenter, ooh, she had a little too much salted caramel.

And he's like, you'll have to excuse me.

I have to go to the bathroom.

And he goes in the bathroom, but he brings a very tiny synthesizer in there with him.

And through the closed door, you can just hear, like,

just covering the sound of him having very loud diarrhea

with synthesizer music.

As he's struggling, as you hear, like,

it gets louder, you know.

This is an American thing, is the loud fan in the toilet, the pointlessly loud.

Mine broke as soon as I moved into my apartment, and there's been a hole in the ceiling for

seven years.

They'll get right to that, your landlord, I'm sure.

Yeah.

So what you have friends and family over and they just hear each other defecating?

I don't have friends or family.

No.

I was once in a very bad apartment in Sydney and I was with a woman.

We'd moved in together.

It was one of the first places we'd lived.

And the toilet, it was such a bad apartment, there were French doors on the toilet.

So we'd have to

go to the bottom.

So you forget to open them and you'd shit all over the place.

Oh, just so that you can enter a saloon in a very dramatic way when you sit down in the toilet.

That would be great if the toilet itself had

wildware-style swinging doors.

I would set, well, they slide open like elevator doors.

I would do the end of Independence Day every time I took a shit.

But flying in the center of the street.

Well, I would set the doors to close as I'm shitting.

And I'd have a cigar in my mouth.

Welcome to Earth.

And then half the time it doesn't work.

I end up with shit all over the place.

It's constipated.

You could do it like the start of Indiana Jones with the doors closing closing very slowly and you're going to get the shit out of it in time.

That's what the idea was.

I don't have seen Independence State.

It's more of

an American thing.

I've just watched John Adams.

I'm halfway through the John Adams.

Great show.

I'm watching it with Chain, who just gets drunk and tells me that Australia is weak because we never declared independence.

But I don't know what your big kerfuffle was with the beautiful crown.

The sensitive.

They just wanted to.

Well, we didn't want to pay taxes.

They were taxing you so little.

Yeah, but they were fighting like seven other wars, so we just fought for a little bit, and then they were like, We have to go back to the other wars.

They did let you go.

The American Revolution's awesome.

Yeah, it's sick.

Well, it's yeah, have some fucking respect.

It's funny how you learn about the Boston Tea Party.

Are they still teaching the Boston Tea Party in schools?

Yeah, as if that was like a good thing.

That's like you learn that first grade.

I know, but even like, even

in like school, when you're learning it, you're like, what do you mean?

Why did they dress up like Native Americans?

Yeah.

And so they just

blame it on the fucking.

We're going to make the British perfect crew.

We're going to have to fucking savages dude.

Is that what it was for?

It could be a sign of respect to the native?

I doubt it.

It was a sign of respect.

No, I don't know if we respect it.

We need to be as brave as the Braves in their own land.

You guys do land acknowledgement?

Non-stop.

Non-stop.

It's a little awkward at the moment because we just had a big vote on whether or not we should give.

Who started that?

Canada?

Peter Dutton.

How do you know Peter Dutton?

Are you following that closely there?

People in Australia still don't know Peter Dutton.

Gillad.

Gillad.

We're talking about Gillard's out.

Yeah.

We like to change prime ministers every two and a half years.

Peter Dutton was the prime minister when we were there, and he looked like a penis, right?

A cop from Queensland.

He has full alopecia, I think.

No eyebrows.

A bald guy.

Yeah.

Yeah, he looked like shit.

There's a Voldemort-like quality.

Yeah, yeah.

Yeah.

But sadly, he's currently the most charismatic.

Who's the guy that ate the onion?

Like at that point.

That was Tony.

Tony.

Tony Adam.

That was his real personality.

He was like 75 IQ, right?

I think he was smart and he was afraid of

saying what he truly believed.

He was a very conservative Catholic.

Which is what?

Well, contraception should be taken off all the shelves.

Oh, yeah, you can't say that.

Abortion doctors should be treated with that respect.

But then he just ate onions instead.

Like an apple.

That was funny.

That's cool.

That's a cool thing.

I think it's awesome.

It's a hip thing to do.

It's a strong man.

Who's the guy now?

We've got Anthony Albanese, who's battalion.

No, he's.

We have a good, strong leader.

I would love one exciting, strong Australian to just declare.

You know, we've got nuclear weapons now.

We're taking over the region.

Do Italians in...

They would...

Australia doesn't have nukes, do they?

No, but we make all the uranium.

Yeah.

So we could do it.

Yeah.

Well, do they make...

How does that like they mine the uranium or they enrich it also?

I think we only mine it.

Yeah, okay.

I'd like to think we're like the Japanese or the Israelis where you secretly have a nuclear weapon, but they do.

I don't think we do.

Who?

The Japanese?

Apparently.

No?

No, I don't think so.

Well, they wouldn't want one.

Lickety split.

South Africa had them and got rid of them.

Do you know this?

Did they?

South Africa.

They had secretly had nuclear weapons from black people.

Yeah.

Yeah, basically.

That was their nuclear operations.

But then just before Nelson Mandela came in, they said, we've gotten rid of the nuclear weapons.

We'll have the black guys in charge, but we do not trust them with the nuclear weapons.

That's awesome.

The Klerk got rid of them.

I lived there for like a year when I was a kid.

In South Africa?

We moved back.

My parents are from Cape Town.

Boy, what is the Jewish-South African connection to the family?

His family is crazy.

He lived in South Africa.

He's lived in Israel.

Yeah.

And his family.

In the 1930s, they went from Brooklyn to Nazi Germany.

Yeah, yeah.

Why?

They go, they're going to need one.

Yeah.

Two.

They're going to need a couple of them.

No, we were like.

We'll help.

No, we were like, let's see what this is all about.

Can't be as bad as they say.

No, we all, they all,

they were there for like two generations.

I was born in L.A.

but when i was a kid nelson mandela like spoke at uh my grandma's synagogue and he was like tell your tell the kids to come back and like build the new country but like all my parents generation all left but all the grannies are still there yeah um complaining and refusing to leave i mean this is i think

whatever anti-semitism there is in australia is because we only have south african jewery they're awful i feel so safe here but it's not like but it's they all go to sydney though because it's like they do all go to sydney i live next to the Anne Frank museum my cousins all live in Sydney

yeah it's nuts they live in Bondi during World War II they thought the Japanese were going to come over the beaches and so the real estate went down and all the Jews got to move to the most beautiful beaches

north they moved they live in the north of Sydney is the north shore on the beach on the beach yeah you don't want to go out west it's so beautiful it's really nice place I went to the beach with soft.

Nick didn't come with us.

It was too hot.

It was like fucking 180.

That's why you go to the beach.

Yeah, I don't know.

But you survived in Austin for a...

This is my biggest Austin complaint, is it's unlivable for three months.

Yeah, you stay there long enough and then you adjust to it.

There was one summer I was there where the temperature just didn't go below 100 even at nighttime for like the entire summer.

But I was drunk the whole...

You just get drunk all the time and you don't think about it.

Did you go to the Springs?

Not Barton Springs.

I've never went to Barton Springs once.

Where I would go is Krausey Springs.

I didn't know there was a second Springs.

There's a lot of.

They got them all over Texas.

Krausey Springs is real nice.

I did my first flip last week.

Oh, really?

Yeah, there's a springboard and I did a flip into the water.

How'd it feel?

It felt incredible.

You should try a backflip.

It's easier.

No.

It's easier.

I'd refuse to believe that.

I was so excited to do my forward flip.

Did your wife see you?

What a bitch.

She was at home.

They feel more

natural because you just throw your legs over your head.

There was a man.

I told everyone in the line I was going to try and do a flip, and he said, you've got to look at your own butt.

So that's what I went with.

There was no cheering when I got to the floor.

I used to be able to do flips off diving boards easily.

And then one time I just fucking smacked hard on my back, knocked the wind out of myself.

And the fear got into you.

Yeah, it created a mental block, and then I just couldn't do it anymore.

Ah, you were Simone Biles of the backflip.

Yeah.

So she's back in the Olympics now or just commenting on it on Instagram.

No, she won all the stuff.

Oh, she's back.

Yeah, she did good.

But they changed the rules to let her win.

I remember.

No, they did.

She's doing all these big flips

in a slightly sloppy way.

And they said, that's what we want now.

Too sloppy.

There used to be a very skinny girl doing something unimaginative, flawlessly.

You like it.

I liked when there was a 14-year-old who'd do something that was not remarkable but didn't make any mistakes.

That was what gymnastics used to be, and now it's all big, sturdy ladies doing a million flips.

And then at the end, she's not big, dude.

She's like five.

She's like four quickly compared to the past.

We're going to delete this, but

we're not going to keep this joke in here.

You won't leave that in?

You just beep it actually.

Do you want to move tickets and you refuse to put that in the podcast?

Madness.

You don't want to that.

You have a solution right in front of you.

No, we're going to follow you.

Lots of tickets.

It's very funny.

Different kinds of tickets, different cities, but.

I kind of saw it coming.

Oh, you saw it coming.

Okay.

Sorry.

Adam already thought of that joke.

I didn't think of that joke.

I just know how your head works.

I was thinking that already.

Actually, I said it to you.

I actually told Nick that.

Actually, I kind of came up with that before.

Actually, I was the first person to say it.

Actually, I thought it, and then

Nick read my mind.

I was living just outside of Pittsburgh for my first three months in America, and I got to go to the Mr.

Rogers Museum in Pittsburgh.

It was so beautiful.

All the other museums are so...

We stole this land.

Slavery was a terrible thing.

You go to that museum, it's just a man in a cardigan saying, I love this.

They should start doing Mr.

Rogers acknowledgements at the beginning of events.

Where you take your shoes off and you let everybody know it's a beautiful day.

You'd have a moment of silence and then a tiny train goes behind you.

It'll be a step up.

Yeah.

It's weird when you go to a festival and they're doing the land acknowledgement.

They mandate it at every show.

In Australia.

Yeah, so you'll do like the Melbourne Comedy Festival and then they'll have a pre-recorded thing that you have to play at the start of the show.

And then like, you you know you're watching the fattest drag act in the history of time.

Now I don't really know too much about this stuff at all but my perception of things is that the like racial antagonism in New Zealand isn't as

no I think they have a better situation.

They have a better situation and it seems like the reason for that is because like the Maori won basically.

Oh, I mean I can go into detail on this.

I would love you to.

I think they'd be a part of that.

Geographically it's a better situation where New Zealand is small enough that you can basically have your own thing going on and then come in and have a call centre job.

Australia, that's never going to happen.

But yeah, the Maori got a treaty and fought them to a standstill and then took the guns that they got in the treaty and went and did another genocide, their own genocide, just so that they felt they could do it on the Chatham Islands to the Moriori.

Oh, okay.

Who are a peace-loving people.

As they were being invaded, they held a meeting and they said, should we fight back?

Should we break our pacifist principles?

They decided not to, and they were eaten.

Apparently, a couple were kept in slavery afterwards, but I think that has helped the Europeans and the Maori come to an understanding.

Is that they were also genocidal.

We're all drenched in blood, we're all bad people.

Let's do a haka dance.

Let's do the dance, yeah.

And the dance hasn't hurt them.

I mean, that's really the fact that white people know the dance, the dance eventually did.

This is the thing, because I always hated the haka, Nick hated the haka.

I always thought it was no, she was hated it.

I always, I always hated it.

I thought it was so stupid, and then, like, I mean, it doesn't, like, of all the things that Maori have, like, defending Zion in the second Matrix movie, you know, it's like they've done a lot of good.

Yeah.

And then Lord of the Rings.

Yeah.

But I always thought that dance was so stupid.

And then I don't know if you saw this, but during COVID, they did the Haka at the time.

The anti-vaccine haka.

And that, and then we never had to hear from it again.

We never, no more haka.

We're taking the haka away because everybody, it was crazy.

I remember said they did a haka for 9-11.

Yeah.

Oh, no.

This is a fairly common thing in the antipodes where you're feeling a bit emotional.

You'll watch a haka, have a little cry, watch a haka montage.

Yeah.

A schoolboy has died in a car accident, and the whole community comes together to...

Habata!

Slapping and the tongues out.

It's cool.

I'm from the beautiful.

I can't believe you don't love it.

When I was in Cape Town last time, I went kayaking.

I was out of this way.

I prefer, I didn't watch it.

I didn't even look at the controversy.

but I prefer the opening to the Paris Olympics

to the haka.

Any hacker

show versus, yes, the apparently

the trans Satanist, whatever, it was pretty cool and yeah.

It's pretty awesome, I think.

I don't understand it.

It got me ready for sports.

It's not even a good dance.

The haka?

Yeah.

It's like the worst line dancing I've ever seen in my life.

Achy Breaky Heart is better than the Haka.

The Haka

opened the door so Achy Breaku Heart could win.

Do you guys have a Hakka in South Africa?

No, I think in the 80s people started to have some Aboriginal dances that

they were trying to bring everyone together.

No, it's just like pretending to be an Emu and

hasn't taken off.

And also, they don't really like it when white people do it.

Yeah.

There was some of it in our breakdancing.

When she's doing the kangaroo dance, that was very evocative of a 1980s.

People are being too nice to that girl.

The breakdance girl.

Wait, you think they should be nastier to that lady?

Yeah, she's living living the dream.

She stinks.

She pretended to be good at a sport and got a free trip to the Olympics.

She's every Aussie.

What are you guys talking about?

There's a lady from Australia that was bad at breakdancing that went viral for their breakdance.

She was stinking.

Yeah, she stinks.

Boo.

Anyway, but last time I was in.

I'm going back her in.

I went on a kayak tour

in Cape Town.

Do they have video games at the Olympics yet?

Have they gotten the students

level?

South Korea.

They have Madden.

They have a lot of medal.

Yeah, they have Madden.

They have 2K and Madden tournaments.

They have video games.

Video games?

That is revolting.

I'm so excited for the 2028 Olympics.

They've got to bring back city planning and free voice poetry.

Yeah, so I went to the Olympics for Sim City.

Rollercoaster Tycoon.

Yeah, I went on a kayak tour and the guy was like, he was like, yo, I was on the South African ice hockey, national ice hockey team.

I was like,

are people good at that?

He's like, no, it's not that hard to get on it.

But he's like, yeah, I played New Zealand, and they tried to do a haka on the ice.

And he said, guys were falling down and stuff before the match.

You know, despite all this, I think what could restore the prestige of the Olympics if you just go no more professional athletes.

It should go back to what it used to be.

100%.

Which is just fucking like just idiots.

They're like, yeah, fuck it.

I'll go to the Olympics.

Gentlemen.

Seeing if they can run fast.

Yeah,

exactly.

It should be like late.

The aristocrats of the day.

Elon Musk should be glad to go.

I want to see like four or five cardiac arrests at every event.

Because it's a guy that's never done any exercise.

He's like, I can run faster than this fucking idiot from Germany.

When's the last time someone's died at the Olympics?

I'm sure it's happened.

I think it would happen all the time.

It should happen again.

To get the guys back into it.

Why are girls so into Olympics?

My girlfriend was taking it way too seriously.

Because it's not a girlfriend.

You don't have to commit to anything.

But it's a couple of things.

It's a sports, though.

It should be for the guys.

But it's a thing you only have to commit to for like four weeks.

It's not a real interest.

Yeah.

You know what I mean?

Yeah.

It's like being into Shark Week.

You know what I mean?

You're like, oh, my God, Shark.

I love Shark Week.

I'm obsessed.

Because you can't focus on anything but your phone for more than 30 seconds.

So here's an event that lasts two weeks.

You don't have to worry about being into it long term.

It's just a very short thing that you can get into.

Yeah.

I watched the ping pong final, girls' ping pong final.

I didn't see that one.

And it was two Chinese ladies that both looked like little boys, and they were incredible.

It was so exciting.

I watched the French get up.

I think the French got up in the ping pong, and they beat an Asian country.

They made it far.

I think they might have won the gold medal.

I could be getting the golden.

France beat Asia.

Asia was for the bronze medal.

France beat an Asian country.

They beat Asia.

They looked like the proclaimers.

They were pasty white, bespectacled French guys, and they were so...

The Japanese team was very disappointed with the people.

Ping pong doubles?

Ping pong doubles, yeah.

It's crazy.

Aren't you bumping into the other guys?

Dude, they should have beer pong in the field.

How How does that work?

One of them stands on the table?

They played doubles for a while, and then they went back to one-on-one.

But how does...

I've never seen ping-pong doubles in my life.

I don't know.

Maybe I'm misremembering this because it was Arizona and I was hot when I was watching it.

No, no, family.

You're probably right.

I'm saying I haven't seen it, and I need it explained to me, because I don't understand.

They're probably just two guys.

I thought they redo Challengers, right?

But it's ping-pong.

And in the sauna scene, they just got the smallest dicks in there.

These are just guys.

They're both.

Pete, what time is it?

I'm supposed to be intimidated.

You coming in here waving your tiny little cock around every summer is here and it's summer is hot.

If you're squishing when you're sitting, it's time for dry quick underwear from Parathieves.

Show them the underwear.

Wow.

Look at these.

These are dry, quick underwear from Parathieves.

Adam, respect the product, please.

Here.

Don't do that.

What do you think about this?

Shut up, dude.

Let's run that again.

Man, the guy on the box has a huge paint.

Let me see his cock.

Look at this tiny man with the massive paint.

Hold on.

Look at his penis.

Look at that.

He's stuffing in my version of challenge.

They really did get a big dick guy for this.

Look at this.

Yes, the same guy.

You really see the print, too, on the back of the pocket.

So if you guys are in the middle of the...

And he's doing karaoke and he's just got

whatever he wants with that.

He's wearing a fucking

Pharrell, like a...

Park Ranger hat and his cock looks amazing in this in this dry, quick...

I don't know.

Those could be his balls stacked together

look at this guy it could be one of his balls stacked in front of the other one

I'll tell you who's not gonna dry quick is the ladies when they see this man yeah you go

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It doesn't have a code, but I assume it's T-A-F-S.

This guy's dick is amazing.

We got the brief, the trunk, and the boxer brief.

They got long,

long-sleeve t-shirts.

These look amazing.

They got some

these shorts look awesome.

My favorite colour is penis look.

You don't see this guy's penis, though.

What's the point?

These are lounge pants, though.

So I assume.

Quick dry lounge pants for when you've pissed yourself and you don't want to come out and have a big stain?

I do that.

I've been going on stage with piss on the front of my pants.

What are you trying to give yourself a handicap to make stand-up a little more difficult?

I just don't care anymore.

No, it's funny.

It's just I don't I'll piss and I'll like I'll put my dick away too early.

There's just piss all over my pants and I'm like, hey everybody.

That's a cow you move.

That's a good move.

Right, yeah.

Yeah.

Somebody came up to me in Dallas.

They were like, we could see your penis the entire show.

And I said, I don't care.

I had a flight in Austin and I did that at the airport.

And someone wanted to take a photo with me.

And I looked at the photo and I had a huge,

great big piss stain on the trousers.

So hopefully that's...

I tried to hold the shirt over it, but I didn't make it.

How old are you?

33.

Okay.

Give it another year or two.

You'll stop caring.

If I get these quick-dry underpants, I'm going to be absolutely fine.

Yeah,

that's what you need.

Where does it evaporate to if you have a layer of trousers on top of the underpants?

Do you just

soak the trousers?

Don't you want the underpants to hold the liquid in?

Yeah, I don't know.

I don't really know how liquids work.

I never took that class.

I don't feel like humans should have liquid waste.

It seems it's dumb.

It should all be different.

But you have two different excretion systems, one's for solid and one's for liquids.

Yeah, it should be one system.

Yeah, you should poop out of your cock.

Well, you only have a gas on one of them.

Can you imagine

how violent society would be if men didn't have an asshole and you just shat out of your dick?

There would be no

doubt.

There would be no risk to prison.

There would be none.

It'd be like they'd come to the FBI.

We'd come to my house and say, we're sending you to jail for 45 years.

I'd say, fine, great.

Pay for my bed.

Make my day.

No, they don't want to fill it with with manga.

They don't want to shit down your mouth with their big shit penises.

Am I misunderstanding?

It's still hard to say they can get to a shit functionality.

He's talking about his socialist utopia right now.

Yeah.

Yeah.

When you're in prison?

Nick's big.

Well, that's what a socialist utopia is, is a prison filled with manga.

Manga and poop coming out of your dick.

Makes sense to me, honestly.

Yeah.

I don't know if you guys have that over there in Australia.

Mango and poop coming out of the dick.

Yeah, mangoes.

Manga.

I bet there is a man who has to shit out of his dick.

If they have gaming at the Olympics, they should literally have a pissing contest.

Now the term pissing contest has lost its weight

because of how we've degraded what we compete in.

I wonder how.

And you know what I blame?

The entertainment industry in the 1980s.

They made all of these movies about how you can be the best at all of these dog shit things.

That's true.

You know?

That's true.

They've got pissing.

They had to make stuff up.

That's true.

Fucking over-the-top.

The guy, oh, he's the best arm wrestler in the world.

Yeah.

Everyone's on steroids, too, in those days.

Yeah.

If you don't have over-the-top, you don't have fidget spinners.

You know what I mean?

Nah.

Well, you don't have,

you glorify things that are stupid, that should not be subject to competition ever.

And then it opens the floodgates.

And now a guy's like, well, I'm the best at Rubik's Cube.

No, it's a puzzle for children.

There's no way you can't be the best at at it because it's for babies.

Russia is starting slapping across the face as a sport.

No, I've seen those videos.

Dinah White, that's his second competition.

He owns the UFC and Power Slapping.

And slap.

Yeah.

Slapping competition.

Power Slap.

Yeah, there's a slap.

But you see, like, yeah, Russians are really good at it.

I saw.

Someone showed up.

There are a lot of videos with a racial subtitle.

It's a new fighting tool.

It's men on women fighting.

And it's one man having to fight two legs.

Yeah, I think it's a Belarusian league.

Finally, it's very confronting.

Because the man still does just one thing.

I want to start a UFC where you have a ring, right?

Okay.

And then there's no weight classes.

Well, there are weight classes, but the weight classes are like there's big fat guys.

Okay.

And then men of smaller stature who are maybe like, you know, kind of lithe and

they can move around quickly.

Ninja style.

And so the ring is a big circle.

Yeah.

And then on the top, there's like sort of a walkway.

And the fat guy has to jump off and try and land on the the smaller guy.

Nice.

Right.

And the smaller guy, all he has to do is survive that first.

Survive it.

And the fat guy will die

every time.

But they're called enforcers.

Well, this is bullfighting.

Yeah.

But with people.

Right.

Yeah.

I mean, maybe we'll just, yeah, well, and then it's also the small guy is Spanish and he's dressed like a pimp.

Get a bear, put him on a stake, have two dogs try and fight the bear.

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

This is real entertainment.

Well, you probably know about English blood sports.

You seem to be.

Only that one.

Only one.

There's a Shakespeare where someone is pursued by a bear because a bear would get out from next door.

But that was the big attraction, was the two dogs fighting a bear.

Two dogs in a fire.

If that was a fool, you'd go and watch Macbeth.

Yeah, there's a there's a

plague

on Wikipedia.

Next to it, that was the competitor.

There was an excerpt on Wikipedia about one of those where they had a chimpanzee tied to the back of a donkey.

Nice.

And then they sick dogs on it.

Okay, that was nice.

But then chimpanzee just started just punching the dog in the head.

So the chimpanzee could win the fight?

Well, I guess it was.

They're very strong.

Yeah, it was supposed to be that the chimp and the donkey were on a team versus the donkey.

But it just sort of turned into everyone against the donkey for their own reasons.

Yeah, we've got a story of Israel.

We've purged animal fighting.

We've purged animal fighting, which is sad.

The Japanese have still got dog fighting.

I've read a lot about that on Wikipedia.

I would like to see one of those Japanese spider crabs versus a battle bot.

What is that?

Yeah, you've never seen them?

You've probably eaten them.

Are they huge?

They're massive.

They've got big legs.

They're like

an H.G.

Wells kind of...

They're scary.

Yeah.

They have them at the aquarium.

They have one just sitting.

I've never been to that aquarium.

They also just have them in Chinatown that you can buy and eat.

That's the very funny thing about New York, is that within the same city confines, you can go see an animal that's being preserved.

Yes.

You know, by like a conservation society.

And then you can go to a neighborhood over and you can eat that animal.

But I tell you, if you go to Central Park and you take a duck and you hang it up by its neck, people will be very upset.

There was a map.

We have ibises in Australia, which you can...

We call them bin chickens is the other term.

They're like...

Birds with a large

crane-like.

They are crane-like.

And in some states, you're allowed to kill and eat them on the street, and in some states, you are not.

But there was a Vietnamese man in Sydney who was on the news, and he was saying, This is fine where I'm from.

You're allowed to just kill these birds.

And at the end, they revealed that was Queensland, which was 50 kilometers up the road.

It wasn't in Vietnam.

Everyone's just imagining the jungle, just huey helicopters overhead.

He's like, oh, fuck.

You got to get dinner made before the game.

Can you poach any game in a city in America?

No.

Certainly not in New York City, I don't think.

Well, there are a lot of Chinese guys fish off the piers, and there's signs that say that

these fish are radioactive.

Please do not eat them.

But the Chinese guys still do it.

Yeah.

Strong.

Yeah, strong men.

Metrospect.

Strong guys.

It's cool.

We could get

frogs to eat

within 20 minutes after we do this podcast.

Are there rats everywhere?

Yeah.

No, they're not.

Oh, there was a man on the subway who was asking for money for food.

It was very good.

I know that's a normal thing here.

Oh, yeah.

The way they keep the frogs.

in the Chinese grocery store, they're all just in a big bucket.

You can just go and buy the frogs.

Yeah, we can go get a bucket of frogs after this.

I thought you meant running around.

15 minutes, we get a bucket of frogs for you.

Take that to Austin.

That's very kind, but I will.

Are you charmed by that?

Are you like, wow,

the big apple?

I mean, we've got kangaroo tails you can buy sometimes in convenience stores.

We're in Austin?

In Australia.

Oh, never mind.

Oh, none of that here.

And then what do you do?

You cut it up like a catered sandwich?

I think Aboriginal people will eat them in the park.

Oh, okay.

Make a big fire.

I've only heard about that as a myth.

I'm trying to think if we have any.

Frogs in a bucket is upsetting.

We do have...

I think it's cool.

Seemingly the health and safety rules for the Chinese groceries do not apply.

No one's in the world.

Can we find their own world in China?

It's just a big bucket of tongues.

I remember the New York Times did like an expose on the fucking, like, the nail salon industry in Chinatown because a lot of the Chinese families that come over, they're basically indentured servants.

They come over, they get like a little tenement apartment, and they can live in it rent-free for like 10 years

as long as the dad usually will get on a bus every morning and go to fucking Pennsylvania and work in a kitchen in a Chinese restaurant for free.

And so they have like the living situation, but they get paid nothing.

The wife will work at like a nail salon and they get paid like

$11 a day, you know, like nothing.

And yeah, they did a big report on it.

If I'm remembering correctly, I might not be, but they did a big report on it and exposed all these places.

And then it was like, okay, well, the city came in and shut them down, and now they have no income.

And they like fucked up this

economy that exists there.

But yeah, they don't have rules.

They just do whatever they want.

They're like living in the 1800s.

It is impressive, though, because the rest of the city gets gentrified and they hang on.

Like they're immovable, the Chinese in Chinatown.

It's kind of like

no one else is running an El Salon.

Yeah.

No one else is running a massage parlor.

They're always Asian rub and tugs.

There's no white

shunk.

I got a white blue-collar rub and tugs.

Just a callous, decent made in America.

Yeah, imagine that five-year-old

in Bedstead.

You went to a place and it was like,

you know, like a black entrepreneur.

So rough.

Like, yeah, the guy that has like a master's degree.

He has like an MBA.

Yeah.

And he's just jacking me on.

It's a black-owned business.

Yeah.

It's a family-owned business.

Like, so, what do you do for work?

Pete, is it time?

All right, let's do it.

Also, before this, I mentioned I will be in Irvine, California at the Irvine Improv, September, I think,

21st, sometime in September.

You go to my website and you can buy tickets.

We got to move those tickets, folks.

Please, if you know somebody in Orange County, this is probably the last time we'll be doing Orange County because those are big rooms, and we've got to see if we can fill this one in a decent way.

So, yeah, mull.dog slash live

slash live dash shows.

Or you just go to my website and click on shows, and then it's there.

You can purchase tickets.

But please come out.

Third week in September, I think, third or second week in September.

You keep talking about this like you're managing decline.

Yeah, like this is the last time I do the big room.

Well, that rum is.

You could have big things in the future.

I don't think I could do that rumor.

That seems like it may be a bit rumor.

Irvine Improv is massive.

How big is the

660 seats?

Because you can't see the stage.

It's too far.

It's like a stadium.

Just take the cell.

You've got a strong level of fame and celebrity.

Just flip that with a scandal into the next one.

There's about 11 people listening right now.

And they're friends and family.

Everyone who liked the old show.

I've listened to this show.

Is dad.

Is it just me?

Yeah, I'm the the other one hanging on?

They all OD'd or games.

Yeah, they're all OD'd.

Also, guys, due to

massive demand, there's a fourth show added in London on the 21st of September.

Please come out.

I would love to see you guys there.

If you haven't gotten a ticket, I'm really excited to go to London.

Should be fun.

Sam Campbell is going to be on those shows on the 21st.

That's great.

He's a straight.

Stray comedian from Australia as well.

James Donald Force-McCann, Catamaran Plan.

Wow.

And where are you going to take it out on Lake Travis?

I thought it would be fun to sail around the world back home to Australia the opposite direction.

Okay, so you're going to come down and kill yourself, basically.

This is a very ostentatious suicide that I'm planning.

Last at sea.

That was my favorite.

I love that.

At the end of Band of Brothers.

Have you ever watched it, Joe?

Not to the end.

At the very end, the last episode, they have them all playing a baseball game.

They do like a sand lot ending.

And they're like telling about what happened to everybody.

And some of them were like, oh, he went home and he managed a general store for 40 years.

And then one of them is like, he got on a boat and no one ever saw him again.

It's like, well, he killed himself.

Have you seen American Graffiti?

Of course.

No, I haven't.

It's just a nice movie about young men in cars.

And then out of nowhere, it's like, then they died in Vietnam.

How do you like that?

Vietnam was coming along.

All right, guys.

We want to talk to you guys about,

what is it?

What the hell is this for?

Oh, a razor, some sort of razors.

Harry's

razors.

Okay, it happened to all of us, but getting ripped off is no joke, especially when razors are involved.

That sounds scary.

The people at Harry's were

tired of seeing everyday people paying way too much for low-quality shaving products, so they found a way to make beautifully designed razors without laughing.

These are actual prices.

Actual razors.

Let me tie it for like $19.

No, but no, these are actually good ones.

Yeah, in the podcast world, there is a lot of sponsors that deal with the business of removing hair from men.

And all of these companies, they sell electric users, right?

Then Harry's is the one they still got.

It's blades.

You go close shave for the ladies.

Ladies all agree.

98% of ladies agree.

They want it with a blade.

What?

Yeah.

That's a statistic that they're putting forward.

I just made it up.

But okay.

Does that sound good?

Guys.

Guys, Harry's was tired of seeing everyday people getting ripped off.

I already said that.

So get better designed and better value grooming products made by a company that forged their own own path in the grooming industry.

All right.

That's the good kind of the grooming industry.

These are German engineered blades.

And you can shave your dog with these.

That's true.

German-engineered blades.

Factory.

And they stay sharp longer.

German-engineered.

Customizable delivery options for scheduled refills as low as $2, half of what you pay for other big brands.

The crap you were talking about from the store.

This is half.

So shut up.

All right.

Let's get a five blade.

I was thinking about starting getting into shaving my face.

Harry should send us some stuff because I don't.

They may have.

I trim, but like, I don't ever.

I've never had a daily shaving.

I guess I used to, but I never, like, I don't.

I got this.

Maybe I'll let you.

Maybe I'll let Nick shave me on the show.

But

shaving every day with an electric razor is like, it's just, it irritates your skin.

It fucks your hair.

You have small bits of hair or like this.

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

I'm like a once every four days kind of thing harry's has five blade razors that's crazy weighted handles foaming shave gels and a travel cover just for three bucks at harry's.com slash t a f s

so they have a full line of uh grooming products uh you can lather you can shave you can soften your body soften your body you have scents like redwood wild lands and stone

Stone scent?

Stone.

Perfect.

Girls love a stone.

It's funny because it's it's the last word in the sentence.

Stone.

What does a stone smell like?

It smells great.

I think.

I bet it sounds great.

They've got three colors.

They have red, yellow, and blue.

But blue is not a scent.

Do you think blue is a colour?

Stone is not a scent that you can imagine.

Oh, my God.

Okay,

it's got the highest customer satisfaction in the shaving industry.

No risk trial.

You don't like your shave?

No worries.

It's on.

Well, there is a risk.

You could cut your penis off.

Yeah, it's blades.

Do you know what I think does have

generally highest satisfaction in the shaving industry.

You're in the old west, there's a beautiful woman there.

You're on your porch, you're all leathered up, she's got a straight razor.

You're talking about how you're going to have to go off and find that little boy who's lost in the woods.

She wants to make sure you look right before you head out on there on your own.

Gee, that'd be satisfying.

Yeah, there's other people.

It's the beginning of games in New York when he shaves his face and then gives the razor to his son, and he goes, No, you leave the blood on the blade, which you don't do.

You don't do that.

It's for shaving your face.

It's a cool line, though.

It's not a weapon.

Your whole family dies of AIDS AIDS a few years later.

That's part of your daily routine.

You should clean that off.

So get started.

The original script of that movie is he's brushing his teeth.

And then he hands the toothbrush to his son.

You leave the paste on the...

Don't clean it off.

You leave the blood.

The peanut MM stay on the toothbrush.

So you get started.

Where knows that I snack?

Handing his toilet paper on to his son.

You leave the shit on the paper.

Yeah, yeah.

So, guys, get started with a $13 trial set for just $3 at Harrys.com slash TAFS.

That's Harry's.com slash $13.

$13?

That's crazy.

$3.

No, but $13 is the MSF.

That's nothing.

It is nothing.

You can't buy.

Do they know how worthless the United States dollar is right now?

You get it the $13 set for $3.

That's really nothing.

That's what I'm saying.

It's an amazing deal, guys.

Harrys.com slash T-A-F-S for the $3 trial set.

Thanks a lot, Harry's.

And we're back.

Is it called Harry's or Harry's?

Harry's, like a guy.

H-A-R-R?

Yeah, Harry.

I was thinking Harry's would be a terrible name for a shaving company.

You wouldn't trust that guy.

Yeah.

And so those sound different to you.

Harry, Harry.

Harry, Harry.

Yeah, they sound the same to me from you.

Okay.

It's crazy.

We're different people.

Yeah.

Across the aisles.

Yeah, but we're kind of the same at the same time.

I know.

It's kind of beautiful, no.

I'm proud to be a part of the American Empire.

Yeah.

You moved here at a bad time.

You're

buying very high.

Oh, no.

Well, Austin, yes, but when I see garbage on the streets, I feel more relaxed.

Australia is too clean, and I feel like I'm not living up to our standards.

But here, I feel like I can.

I think that's more of a New York thing, though.

This is the only city that has that problem where we just don't know what to do with trash.

Austin has rubble.

I first moved to the Midwest.

I moved to a little town just outside of Pittsburgh.

It was just nice to see.

You see a car wreck by the side of the road, and it's left there for months.

It was crazy in the 70s in New York.

There would just be burned-out cars on the West Side Highway.

Just left there, just to fucking abandoned.

I saw that in Dallas.

I saw just where people had made a bad turnoff, and the car was left there.

Just a skeleton of a car.

Yeah, but a tow truck's going to come by in an hour and take that away.

It's just that there's that many cars.

They just didn't have, they did not have any of that set up back in the 70s.

That's when the city was good.

You should move here instead of Austin.

Chill with me and Nick every day.

I am enjoying New York a lot.

I would say that

New York will outlast the United States.

I believe that.

Yeah.

We live in the United States of New York.

We're New Yorkers first and foremost.

I'm yet to see anything I don't like, except that all the New Yorkers seem burnt out.

Go to Chinatown.

Go to Chinatown.

Go to Chinatown

and get the full experience.

I've been to Chinatown.

I went to Diamond Square.

You didn't need a bucket of frogs.

Dime Square was great.

I was looking forward to seeing

you.

People baptizing each other.

That wasn't happening.

Dimes Square is a carve-out.

They took that away.

You say it can't be gentrified, but they took Dimes Square away from the Chinese.

Well, that was always kind of the Lower East Side.

A little bit.

What was?

Dimes Square?

By that park was always kind of like...

Division?

It wasn't so Chinatown.

Division was at Essex.

Physician Chinese.

Yeah, yeah, that park.

Whatever it's like.

Oh, when I lived there,

that wasn't like.

There was no Dimes Square.

Right.

This is an invented.

It started in like 25.

I read an article about it in the New Yorker by Joe Lee.

Oh, yeah, great article.

There are a lot of really good articles about it.

It's like a block house.

It's like a lot of people hang out and then fucking post on Instagram.

It's three bars.

It's three bars, basically.

No, that was what I took away.

And they write 75,000 articles about three bars.

Captured the nation's imagination.

It's really young conservative Catholics who are sexy.

It's really, it's really insane.

It's the dawning of the age of Aquarius over there.

It's really, it's like Haight Ashbury 1968.

I just ate a bad salad and I moved on.

Yep.

They got bad salad.

They have sluts.

I like that the choking sign that you have to have in every restaurant here.

Oh, yeah.

They've done it by hand.

With the Asian guy.

That fancy guy.

I like the one with the Asian guy.

I don't know if it's an Asian guy.

I like the one with the Asian guy.

I think that's the Wiki How Asian guy, and he's getting the Heimlich Manure.

Yeah.

I assume it's his wife, too.

It's a lady giving it to him.

And it's in a very loving manner.

I've always projected that on the other side.

It's so funny that that even has a name.

Is that there was a guy that

named Heimlich, presumably, that was like, oh, if somebody's got food stuck in their throat, maybe try squeezing them.

And they're like, that's genius.

He's just waiting for a man to chuck so he can say, time for the maneuver.

Right, yeah.

Yeah.

And I assume it took him a while to get it right.

Heimlich Himmler was his name.

Why don't we remember the good things he did?

We don't remember the good things.

Do you go to Mass every week?

Yes.

Oh, sweet.

Yeah.

What type?

Latin or English?

Latin, yeah.

Do you understand the words, though?

Now, more or less.

It's kind of like synagogue, because I don't know what the hell they were ever saying.

It was just like, yeah, which is nice because when it's in English, you go, this is silly, and I don't believe it.

Even if they were speaking English, you'd be like...

Yeah, but it's a stupid language.

It's not even...

I wouldn't even have the option.

But Latin Mass strikes me as the same kind of thing, where it's just someone's saying gibberish to you.

But there's always like 40 Latin words.

And they don't change.

They're the same most of the time.

Yeah.

But then they'll say, you know.

Spirit tu sanctu san spirito.

Spiritu sancto.

Sancto.

Yeah.

When they go, you know, like, God, you are so beautiful and strong.

And then I'm thinking about shampoo and all the advertisements that have done it.

Yeah, you're that guy's dick.

Wow.

I don't know.

Have you had a close-up on the man's?

I mean, he's also singing into a microphone with a cowboy hat.

Can you see that?

I want to fuck.

He's so sick.

He looks so good.

I'm trying to lose weight.

Are you?

Why?

I've been on the.

Well, really, I'm trying to take care of my fucking

cardiovascular health, which I've never really put much of a serious effort into.

But

I'm like, I'm getting.

Are you worried that the nicotine is going to give you a heart attack?

This is my current big concern.

No, I don't really give a fuck about that.

But it's like the

it's up to you.

you know, you pick your battles, I guess.

But

no, I mean, I can't, like, even I would be like getting up off the couch.

I'd be winded walking to the fucking bathroom.

You just want to feel strong as you go around the old business.

I don't want to, yeah, I don't want to feel like everything is an endeavor.

Like, getting up, because it's at the point where I'm somehow gaining weight and not eating because I can't, like, I'm like, I got to make breakfast, and I'm like, I can't, I just can't get up.

This sounds like depression, Rob.

Yeah, it sounds like depression.

Well, I feel pretty okay.

Okay.

Yeah, so I don't think it's that.

I think it's.

Is there a wasting?

You're saying that getting out of bed and going to make breakfast feels like an exercise?

I think because I've spent most of the last six years, I mean, like,

we became podcasters.

Yeah.

Like, you know, I mean, I used to work jobs where I'd be on my feet and I have to be moving around.

No, I understand.

Yeah.

And then that got removed, and then it's like, I do nothing.

I mean, I would lift weights, but that's like a different kind of exercise.

Your podcast goes well enough to not have a job, and you go, my job has been removed from me.

Well, I mean, they've taken my

title out of the emotional yeah yeah all right and you just get a couple oh you do treadmills in the studio get rid of the chairs

I got it I got this yeah I got it exercise bike yeah I got an exercise bike but I didn't really know how to I've never really understood how like cardiovascular I never had an interest I've always hated running cardio has always been like math to me where it's like the heartbeat has to be the certain number yeah it's well not I mean I don't mean literally like math.

I mean in like I remember in school, other things I would enjoy.

I would enjoy learning other things.

But having to do math problems was like mentally exhausting.

I'm like, I don't want to fucking do that.

I don't want to think about numbers.

It doesn't bring me pleasure.

It's like exerting force with my head, and I don't like doing it.

You may have to find a cardiovascular activity that you love and forget the end of the day.

Well, that's why I'm in this.

I'm into

that.

I got into

indoor recycling now.

Yeah.

I don't have a problem with.

The last two weeks I've been able to do it because I just did the bare minimum amount of research into how you structure the workout so that you can see progress.

Because anytime I've done cardio in the past, it's been like you just got to get your heart rate up just to give your heart a workout.

But if I can't quantify it in any way,

if I don't understand what I'm doing, then it's like this is just, it makes me, I'm just making myself uncomfortable for a brief period of time.

You figured it out.

You know how to cycle to better.

Yeah, there's like, like anything else, there's, you know, I mean, it's like the same thing if you don't know anything about lifting weights and you get into lifting weights and you just fuck around and do whatever and you never get any stronger, it's like, why am I doing this?

You know, but if you understand programming and how it works and it's, you know, like look, I support that.

I just don't know.

Cycling indoors sounds really boring.

Well, you put a movie on, you watch the movie.

Okay.

Yeah.

You don't watch like a gay guy yelling at you about positivity and stuff?

No, no.

I tried doing that for a while.

I would do the Apple Fitness workout.

I was like spin class guys.

That beautiful lady with the ponytail who's on the side.

But they're like unstructured.

They don't, it's basically, it's just like a hit workout every time.

So you're not going to, like, I wasn't.

I thought you told me you hurt your penis from indoor cycling.

I have.

Every time it goes numb and cold.

And I don't know

what

happened.

You got cold from the cycle.

I don't know what happened, but I don't.

And you know, and you see online, they're like, oh, well, you need a different kind of seat.

And I'm like, look, I'm not going to fucking take a seat.

Either this is.

I'll just get the numb dick.

Yeah, fine.

It's fine.

I don't take the numb dick.

How long are these cycles going for?

Do you numb the penis?

An hour to two hours.

Okay.

Yeah.

Do you then translate to cycling outdoors?

I have a bike, but it's for going places.

I'm scared to bike because I now know two people that have died getting hit

in New York City.

One was a comic that we loved.

I heard about him.

Yeah.

It's scary.

I haven't been on a bike since I heard that.

I was looking forward to cycling without a helmet in America, and then I've heard about that.

In Miami, you can motorcycle without a helmet.

So sick.

Like terminating.

Guys are on like crotch rockets, just like wasted, like with cocaine smeared on their face.

It's a great country.

Did you see that Israeli diplomat's son that fucking like ran over a cop on his motorcycle?

No.

And the judge was like, we'll just, we'll let him go back to Israel.

They just dropped all the charges.

He killed a cop, though.

He might have been over a cop on his bike.

He didn't kill him.

He might have been doing it for like, you know, ACAP kind of style.

Yeah, definitely.

That was it.

He did it for

on his motorcycle?

Yeah.

He collided with the policeman on a motorcycle and they let him go.

They just let him go.

Well diplomats.

Have you not seen fucking Lethal Weapon 2?

Diplomatic Immunity.

I never watched Lethal Weapon 2, but I do know that line from it.

Diplomatic immunity.

Yeah, the bad guys are offering Connor.

How about a movie called Urethrow Weapon?

Yeah, okay.

Awesome.

I'll hear you.

He pisses his pants.

When the bad guy

gets a little off the bottom of the camera gets him and he's like, I might go fucking crazy.

He starts pissing himself and they're like, this guy's loco his power's disappearing he doesn't know why this guy's loco neo

uh i want to tell you guys about one more thing that's what i like it's like they like the brothers tank and dozer everyone else is either maori or black and then the one guy the computer guy is mexican yeah

he's like you're loco neo the rest of them are like ooga chaka ooga you know whatever

i can't find you you know whatever their language

love me and they're like well how are they brothers

I've always liked to think about that song that they recorded it fully and beautifully and then left the studio.

And one guy stayed up late and was like, I'm going to put some Uga Chuggas in the front.

Oh, yeah.

He had a friend.

And then released it to the radio.

And they're like, the song's on the radio.

And they tune in.

Hooga chugga hooga.

And they turn it off.

They're like, what the fuck did you do?

And we like it.

Tom Jones is fisted.

You fucked up my song.

What the hell is this?

I think it's Tom Jones, is it?

No, it's a Swedish group.

Hooked on a Feeling?

Yeah.

I thought it was Tom Jones.

A blue, Swedish group.

Blues?

The Blue Man?

No.

Can we look it up?

Yeah.

You want to learn a new language, James?

I tried getting Duolingo.

I couldn't do it.

It was too encouraging.

Duolingo yesterday.

Yeah, Duolingo is just a game.

I don't think it's a good thing.

Duolingo stinks, but Babel is awesome.

Duolingo is like the

fucking, it's like a product of the tech industry being, you know, all this whole, like, you need to gamify everything.

And then all.

You're winning gems and hearts.

All you got people to do is become addicted to trying to to learn a language without them actually learning.

Well, then they can be much more annoying because you think, I want this to annoy me and give.

As you go to remove it, it says remove Duolingo question mark, and then that just opens Duolingo again.

They've added a special button.

Wow, you're trying to cursed.

Well, guys, what's the best way to learn a language?

It's to uproot your entire life.

That's right.

Drop yourself in the middle of a new country and

figure it out from there.

But if you're not ready for that,

you can still learn a language the next best way, which is from Babel.

So basically, Babel is an immersion program to learn a new language.

And a lot of people have.

Do you have that on your bucket list?

Learning a new language?

Yeah, yeah.

Well, the only thing on my bucket list is watching the film The Bucket List.

Which I still have to do.

I don't have that at a point.

I'm actually

saving it for before I die.

It's the last thing I want to do.

When you get into the

Swiss euthanasia chamber, what's playing on the screen, and when it's over, the blade punctuates the body

back of the head.

Before the machine slices you in a million pieces with razor.

When credits are coming up, it fills with water.

Yeah, then before the Swedish euthanasia pod slowly cooks you to death with acid, it gets hotter during the course of it.

Yeah, right, as it rips your penis off.

It's Jack Nicholson being like, I've never had Italian cheesecake or whatever happens.

Imagine we don't know.

We know what happens.

So guys,

guys, we're more than halfway through the year.

Let's fast forward to the end.

Did you check off your dream goals?

Or

are you still daydreaming?

That's kind of an insane.

I don't even know what that sentence is.

This guy did not say that.

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Yeah, this is

a little bit of a wild ride, this one.

But why not actually speak the language in order what you want?

Because you don't eat bugs or anything like that.

So that's where Babel comes in.

Snails are good, though.

Yeah,

Scar Go.

Escar goes fucking great.

It's really good.

It's snails.

Yeah, but just try it.

All right.

I mean, it's good, dude.

Everyone tells me it's great.

There's French restaurants all over the city.

Just go in and get a plate.

Get a little coffee.

Try them.

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Type in BBL children and sign your children up for language classes.

Rules and restrictions apply, guys.

Call the FBI.

Ask them, I am looking for BBL children.

It's crazy to get your kid a BBL.

Yeah.

Just you're just one of those.

Your son boy moms.

We're getting her an ass.

She's going to win this year.

She needs a big fat ass.

I'm getting my boy a BBL.

Yeah, if it was a trans child, that would be fine because that would help them be who they wanted to be.

Obviously, in your own gender, having a BBL would be a good thing.

You know, I was thinking about you a fun movie.

It's like...

BBL children?

No, no, no.

It's like Stephen Hawking.

It's like Steve, like Stephen Hawking.

It's like a fictionalized account of Stephen Hawking.

And then we find out that he actually wasn't really that good at math and that he figured out if he pretended to be handicapped, he could have a computer with him all the time.

And so then when people were talking about math, yeah, he would just be like looking at the answers and the computer would do all the math for him, and then be like, What if it's a million?

And then people are like, He's right, it is a million.

It would be great if instead of writing PhDs, he was just doing school fair shows of adding two numbers together.

But that's the limit.

They're like, Do you want to join the PhD study at MIT?

Well, I mean, how do we know?

He's the only famous mathematician that just is constantly attached to a computer.

I mean, it's like, do we really know?

It's also he had ALS for a hundred years.

Yes.

They do usually die quicker than that.

Yeah, it's like a five-year thing.

Yeah, but he was getting the good medicine.

It's also, too.

To be fair, with all the other people that have ALS, we never try attaching them to a computer.

We kind of just

let them die.

You know what I mean?

So maybe it's the computer was what saved Stephen Hawking.

If you have ALS and you become like a vegetable, they just put you in a bed.

Maybe get a computer moving around.

You get a motorized wheelchair, but you don't get the computer that talks.

Hello, I'm a little bit more.

I had a better computer at some point for him.

Like we figured out text to speech, and he kept the bad voice on purpose.

Yeah.

Well, that was his voice.

It was part of his identity.

We should never be afraid to learn new things and to improve ourselves.

He's shackled to the past.

He's dead.

Is he dead?

Yeah, he just recently died.

And he was on the island?

Yeah, he was.

Yeah.

Yeah.

He was doing math for the kids.

He was cheating.

Well, I mean, if they're going to be involved in the sex trade, they should at least get an education.

Yeah, that's true.

Yeah.

That is true.

He was a good guy.

They should get their motherfucking degrees, them kids.

Yeah.

Did we find out what happened to the kids?

Did any of them go on to get,

you know,

good lives?

Like adopted by.

Well, you know, a lot of them sued Jeffrey Epstein and Ghylaine Maxwell, and then the media kind of just basically just ignored those

cases.

Sad.

Because they're like, Bill Clinton raped me, and they're like, Donald Trump is a fascist.

We can't.

We have to stop it.

We got to stop.

I mean, it's important.

That is bad, but

did you hear about Al Gore on the island?

It seemed like everyone went.

Al Gore was on the island, and one of the girls testified about it, and they said, Well, what did Al Gore do on the island?

She said, He was a sweet man.

He just wanted to to hang out with his wife and go swimming yeah and then he went home that makes sense but he didn't even know it was going on yeah it's just him chatting with Stephen Hawking yeah and he's like you know I invented that

Stephen Hawking's like I know for a fact that you did not

and then that's how Stephen Hawking died are you enjoying watching our election right now as a

foreigner in a strange land yeah I was enjoying it

I left just before Trump got shot it looked like that was a good time to go.

Feels like people forgot about that after like two days.

It was the same issue of Time magazine: Trump got shot, and Kamala is a bossy

boss.

Bossy number one lady.

I don't understand Kamala.

Why?

I can't understand it.

There's nothing funny.

There's nothing about it.

There's nothing that funny.

There's nothing to understand, really.

It's just like, I mean, that's why I think

the turn was so effective, at least in the first, like, two weeks.

Sure.

It's because Kamala is essentially hollow.

There's nothing there.

Even the baggage included, you're like, you know, you hear all the stories about her as a prosecutor and fucking hiding evidence and putting people in jail for marijuana.

And it's like, but does she even believe in that?

You know what I mean?

It's hard to tell.

It's like, it's just...

You can't really paint her as a radical because you know.

So they're like, Joe's out, Kamala's in, and then people can think whatever they want about Kamala Harris because we don't really have that much exposure to her.

I think that's probably good for America going forward.

If you're going to have a bureaucracy running the show, just have a nice, likable, nothing personal.

People are going really mean toward.

Yeah, but then in that case, it should just be like a mass state.

It should split up

the power at the top of the executive branch, and we should have a head of state and then a different, we should have a prime minister and a president.

And

the head of state, it could even be a fictional character, right?

It could be Kenny Powers.

That'd be awesome.

That'd be awesome.

All I'm saying is give that Kenny Powers a crown, never get rid of them, give him a big chair, give him a special

throne.

Monarchy.

But George Washington, they wanted to call him Your Majesty.

Yeah.

He was like,

we're not going to do that shit.

We're not going to do that shit.

I'm being one over watching the John Adams thing.

It's very cool.

The Republican spirit.

It's cool that's Giamatti also.

He's the man.

Yeah, yeah.

I don't think I've seen him in anything else that I can remember.

I'm trying to think of one other Paul Giamatti picture.

He's awesome.

Sideways, probably the most famous.

You got to watch him sideways.

That's a For the Fellas movie.

All right.

Yeah.

I got it mixed up with adaptation for some reason.

I thought I'd watched it and I hadn't.

He seems great.

Sideways.

Yeah, he's awesome.

Yeah.

He's always

in that line of an attractive little man.

Like My Dinner with Andre guy, who was in

Princess Bride.

Wally Sean.

Wally Sean.

Wally Sean, yeah.

Yeah.

Steve Buscemi.

Buscemi.

Great.

Yeah.

Dinner with Andre is such a good movie.

I love that movie.

Yeah.

It's funny because $20,000.

You can make it, but that's the other thing is because it's like it's clearly, it wouldn't cost a lot to make.

Yeah.

It's deceptive how much of a risk that movie is.

Because

it's one scene, it's one conversation.

To maintain somebody's interest for that long

in such a limited space is like such an endeavor.

I mean, it had worked with plays for a long time.

Yeah.

There's that Nixon movie where it's just

one secret honor.

Yeah, it's kind of like making like a

three-ingredient meal.

Yeah.

And then you look at it and you're like well how hard could it be it's three ingredients it's like get somebody to eat it you know what i mean yeah oh and there's only one movie like that okay my dinner with andre too you get the rights yeah action film that comes out of nowhere halfway through

i would like to see my dinner with andre but written by an extremely stupid person

you know what i mean so it's two guys this is a good dinner like they get 7-Eleven used to have oatmeal and they got rid of it

you know and I don't know I'm trying to think why the hell would they I'm buying it every fucking day.

Yeah.

You know, you're only tipping 10%?

Yeah, just two hours.

Just two hours of that.

Why don't we just kill it?

I mean, you have all the infrastructure.

The bees are just trying to get me mad that there's no more bees.

They're stinging people.

You could.

We should produce that.

Consider it.

I was going to push for you to cast it.

I think that's not a bad turn if you're getting sick of podcasting at any point.

We got to get like a firefighter from Staten Island.

Just like a guy that's like, there are too many many blacks on the jets.

Just a guy with the worst opinions in the world.

Cast yourselves.

A guy that's

a guy that calls into like New York, New York sports radio.

Like one of those guys who gets mad at like

Mike and the Mad Dog, which is like a local, whatever, it doesn't matter.

No, you angry sportsman.

Who does he talk to?

I mean, my dinner with Andre, he's been out and had a beautiful mystic adventure.

A cop on leave for police brutality.

I was thinking an 18-year-old girl who's just been to India and found a sports.

Yeah, that's a good one.

A chance to talk to the sports guy.

Yeah.

They sit silently having nothing to discuss.

She's looking at her phone the whole movie.

Yes.

Dude,

I think it should be dumber than that.

It should be a guy that just drove two hours by fireworks.

And then he's coming back to meet his friend that, like, you know, works at a Batteries Plus.

Yeah, he had to go to Pennsylvania for fireworks because they got the good work.

The guy working at the Batteries Plus, he's moved by his friend's adventure.

That's pretty good.

Our dream of going out there and getting them far work.

Yeah, let me tell you that.

But I guess I'll make it.

The apple cider is fucking.

I mean, I don't even know how to describe it.

Dude, they've got slash machines.

Every time he's about to say something, he has to stop himself because he can't paint any kind of picture.

He doesn't know the end of the sentence.

He can't quantify anything.

Nothing.

Dude, I had this, I made a spaghetti dinner the other night and it was fucking.

I mean, I can't.

It was good.

Let me say that.

You stretch that to 95 minutes, you send it to the Khan Film Festival.

Yeah, right.

Yeah, yeah.

You could do it.

So it could, the work of a weekend.

We have to make it a little queer, though, just so we could sell it in hallway.

Gay wider?

Yeah, a little gay.

My dinner with Andre's penis.

It's just, it's sort of hanging out of his pants.

You only see it in the.

Dude, you're shitting that you dick.

And then it goes wide so that the waiter.

That would be a good part of the movie.

If we have Nick's penis pooping segment, that'd knock out 15 minutes of dialogue.

Yeah.

Send me to jail.

Did we get through all the reads?

I think we did.

I got a piss so bad.

Well, we still got 15 more minutes.

Do we?

We've done an hour and 15?

Yeah.

It flew by because we're having so much fun.

Have you had fun?

I really appreciate it.

It's been a blast.

I haven't done any.

That was a terrible slap.

No, I think it was pretty good, actually.

That's the way to do it.

Thanks.

Thanks a lot, James.

Thank you for having me.

Check out James McCann's Catamaran plan.

We did do a Ketamaran plan extravaganza.

Oh, okay.

Yeah.

Well, how about just a Vaganza?

Let's not go crazy.

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Visit Carrington.edu slash SCI for information on program outcomes.

Take advantage of the EV lease incentive and leave the ordinary behind with an epic lineup of electric and hybrid vehicles at the ready.

And right now, qualified lessees of Dodge Charger Daytona, Jeep Grand Cherokee 4xE, and Wrangler 4xE may be eligible for a 7,500 EV lease incentive through Stellintis Financial Services to be factored into their lease calculation.

When leased through Stellantis Financial Services, not all lessees will qualify.

This incentive is offered by a third party as a cap cost reduction and is subject to change without notice.

Lessee cannot claim EFI incentive on personal tax return.

Consult a tax professional for details and eligibility requirements.

Restrictions apply.

Contact your dealer for details.

Offer ends 930.